Distractible - More Broken News

Episode Date: January 31, 2025

Wade gets himself canceled. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Uber Eats. Thankfully, you can now get almost anything you need for the season delivered with Uber Eats. What do I mean by almost? Well, you can't get a car, but you might be able to get stuff to clean your car, which you might need to do if you're going to be driving people around. You can't get fire, but you can get something cozy to wear around the fire. Maybe you can get the stuff you need to make a fire. A refrigerator?

No. I checked. Anything you want that goes inside your refrigerator? Yes. So whatever you're looking for this season, know that you can get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Download the Uber Eats app today to order now. Alcohol in select markets, product availability may vary by region C app for details. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Mantic Mark states the gents are now the news and asks for their reports. Weensie Wade gets his points purloined, gets mucky about Medusa, describes hard blows and misplaces France. Blooded Bob is saddened by his bored, goes into cataloging porn and advises a VPN to indulge from sucking chickens to rat reefers.

Yes! It's time for more broken news. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Good 1201 AM to all of you loyalist of listeners and viewers out there who waited until this episode releases, which for some reason releases at midnight.

That's not our choice. That is a- Oh, that was an interesting bleep you just said. Yeah, you're probably right. You're probably right. Anyway, we're starting off the episode with censorship and oh boy, are we gonna keep that up. So welcome to Distractable.

If you were up late and you didn't know what you were doing with your life And you just happened to stumble upon this as opposed to a deep rabbit hole of other types of videos that you could probably go Down because we're back on YouTube as well welcome to distractable This is our show where we take turns hosting to give these guys an entertaining Adventure we give them torture give you an entertaining adventure. Wait, give them torture. Give you an entertaining adventure. I'm your host, my name is Mark Blar, very famous Five Nights at Freddy's YouTuber.

Not an- Hey, me either, dude. I think I gotta bleep that out too. Just a big, long bleep. Anyway, yeah. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA movie 3 and a shotgun shell just pops out there. Oh man. Inventors out there make it happen. Are you hunters? Inventors? Oh I thought you said hunters. You sure you didn't say hunters? I guess hunter inventors. I heard hunters. Pretty sure I said inventors out there. Roll it back! Inventors out there. And, tears out there.

All right, I'm really rationing out this paper. I feel like I'm in a FIFA dream right now. Why, what's wrong? I don't know, you guys were just having two separate conversations with yourselves and I was just in the middle, like unsure which one to engage with, but like neither of them was directed at me, so I wasn't really supposed to engage with either.

My brain was just like, do we not listen? Is this rude? Are we eavesdropping? I'm gonna give you a politeness point because that was great. I ain't been dropping no eaves, sir. What's that from? It's Samwise. When Ganondorf pulls him out from being hiding under the window there. Oh, it's Lord of the Rings, right? All right, fair. Very fair, extremely fair. These guys are Bob and Wade. They are gonna be participating in my adventure today,

but introduce yourselves first. Hi, this is Bob. Hi, I'm Wade, I'm bald. That's the only thing about me. Bob, how about you? Any interesting facts about you? Yeah, I'm Bob. I have a weird thing on my counter behind me that looks like a grenade

with a sexy leg up in a triangular pose. What's happening? This? I have been staring at it all day. Leg up in a sexy pose? This is Lyxian. The slightly blurry visual I've had of the tiny square, I swear to you the entire day, I've been wondering if that's a grenade with a sexy leg. Oh I'm just gonna leave it in grenade pose I guess. I don't it doesn't look as much

grenade-y now but it looked very grenade-y with like a big nice leg. I just can't imagine a world where a gray stuffed figure like that looks like a grenade but. Welcome to the world of my mind. It sounds scary I don't like it. I'm Bob. I Bob. I'm Bob. All right. So I'm confused as to who's who, because the scoring is going to get real weird here. As Wade, I would just like to say that you should give all of Wade's points to Bob. Okay, hold on a second. You're Wade. I got all Wade's points to Bob. Wade says give all all Wade's points to Bob. Wade says give all of Wade's points to Bob.

Wade agrees with Bob. Yeah, Wade agrees with Wade. But he's Wade, you're Bob. We're Wade. We are Wade. We are Wade. Anyway, I'm not awarding any points for that until we clear that up. But before we clear it up, clear up your lives. What's wrong with them? Clear them up.

I have a new thing. Have you ever waited years for something and just thought it was going to be just really exciting and then been just so thoroughly whelmed by it? You're unsure how you actually feel about the thing. It is not sponsored. I bought this with my own money I've been waiting for this keyboard. I ordered this I think it's 2022 it feels like it's been for fucking ever This is a keyboard by a company called work louder not sponsored not affiliated and I was when I ordered it

I was like, oh my god, it looks awesome. It has everything I want. It looks cool as fuck. It has its own operating system. It has its own little Tamagotchi creature that lives on a screen on the side of the board. It's not bad, but it's also not good. And I feel really sad. Like, I'm not mad at it. It works fine. Mostly as advertised. It's got a different key spacing.

And so I've had to like relearn how to type on it. But I like it kind of anyway I don't know. I'm very confusing This is my main keyboard that I use on my main computer most of the time. It just makes me sad Is that make sense? Yeah, I'm whelmed alongside you. It's very whelming. Wait, who do I give this to? Oh gosh, Wade's points go to Bob. Okay. All right, I got that. That's really sad I was gonna make a zinger about, you know, the Cybertruck or something,

or people still waiting for the Tesla Roadster, which was promised like fucking six years ago. Yeah, that's totally gonna, that's coming. And people put deposits down for. They're just hoping that people forgot at this point. That was so long ago. Nice, the old Republic remake. Someone was working on it, Star Wars or Disney shut it down and like,

we're making our own. Still waiting on that. Apparently there was a Grand Theft Auto thing where someone had remade Vice City, like which I think was what, Miami? They had remade like Miami in one of the games and then as like as a mod. Apparently that was recently just like out of nowhere,

shut down and disappeared. A lot of disappointing things going on apparently. Oh man, it can't be that disappointing. Pretty disappointing. However, you know what's not, I talked to Piano Man Dan yesterday. Yeah. For the first time in a while, we chatted out,

he was streaming, playing some music. That boy plays the saxophone now. What? I got him to do the Careless Whisper saxophone. It was beautiful. I bet that's never come up, streaming on Twitch, playing saxophone. Probably not, but I got there.

No, people wanted Saxman, which I think is the Oh, yeah. I think that's what people usually ask for with that. I felt pretty original. And anyone request the equity sax, because that's what I would like to. Not while I was there. But I did hop into a call with him and I asked him an important question. Medusa, right? Head, snake hair. Does

the carpet match the tree? And if it does, armpit hair, toe hair, is it all snakes? Has Dan slept with Medusa? Is this a thing he knows? Yeah, why does Dan have insight on this? Well, he didn't, but he was like really nice and innocent. He was avoiding saying words. He was like, I'm not going to say curse words. I'm not even going to say the word boobies. And so I opted to call it, of course, the first thing I had to do was try to corrupt the poor guy. So I asked him this question. Okay. Well, I,

I'm sure that guy's actually secretly corrupted beyond all of our imagination. So I don't think you need to do anything about that. Probably, but it felt good to pose the question. Yeah. Did you know he wrote the theme music for a porn website? That's still one of the best stories of all time. I love that so much what you know that story mark No I think it was it was while we were on tour and he told the story and it was like you were busy because you were Always busy doing shit. You were doing sound check or something with your guitar and we were all just sitting around

Apparent and I I don't think this is secret or private anymore, but maybe this will be a very long leap. Anyway, Dan told the story about he writes music, right? And he licenses it as royalty free music, which on sites where you can like pay you buy a license and use it in your YouTube video or whatever. And apparently, one of the things he wrote was like this really cool, like drum beat kind of thing, like really, really cool. And a website had purchased a license to use it once. They purchased like a cheap license for it. And then they used it for their main like title sequence.

And this website was a porn website. So it was a website with thousands of videos where at the beginning of each video was like 15 seconds of like the sweet titties dot com and then Dan's music just be like, and apparently he didn't know this. And he discovered at some point that they had bought the incorrect license and used this song like thousands of times. And he had to go through and document each video in which his music was used because he had to make like a spreadsheet of like, here's all here's what you've used.

Here's what you paid me for that you owe me for all of these other uses or otherwise you're violating my copyright. Right. So you're stealing this because he was like, that's they would owe me a all of these other uses or otherwise you're violating my copyright, right? So you're stealing this. Cause he was like, that's, they would owe me a lot of money. They used my song a ton and I'm just trying to get them to pay for their usage. So Dan watched and categorized into a spreadsheet thousands of porn videos. It's the most brilliant way to get away with watching porn of all time.

It's so funny. Cause if you know him, it's like Wade Describe, right? He's like the purest soul you've ever met. And even telling the story, he was like so embarrassed. And we were just like, Dan, this is the funniest fucking thing that's ever happened. That's amazing. And he's like, it's not amazing. It's just, I don't like it.

So fucking funny. But anyway, I just remember for the long time afterwards, I would just randomly be like Cuz it was it was like a drum beat and it had like hits and on every hit was like a smash cut to like boobs and God I don't even remember the websites name because I'm sure they're still out there somewhere where you could put it's very Dan I love you, and I hope that those porn people paid you your money Shout out to you Dan music is code music is code is this twitch handle I guess who gets the segue point probably me Wade

You get the porn segue whoever you are Wade you give all my points to Bob Okay You are? Wade, you give all my points to Bob. Okay. I'm not gonna change anything on this list then. I don't even know how to argue this anymore, man. I feel like this is just the 2025 tra- I'm just riding the wave. Basically today's episode is going to be catching up on current events. Occasionally in the wide wide world world there are events that occur in our lives and it's our job as the number one news station and reporting truth and facts to make sure that people get an unbiased opinion of everything that's going on in the world. Porn was the segue? Yes.

Okay, just wanna make sure. VPN sign up skyrocket in face of porn bans in specifically red states if you didn't know the hypocrisy abound porn very bad but the states that are banning it are seeing unprecedented levels of VPNs accessing porn to this day discuss apparently it's gone beyond people now hmm Hmm? What? It's gone into like air and water bending because we have the Red Sea and blue sky. It's getting crazy out there. Not just red and blue states. Oh, did I just miss five minutes of conversation or?

Back to you in the studio, Bob. How do you get throw it back to yourself in the studio? I met Wade. Oh, thanks Bob. Oh, thanks, Bob. I, George Wade Barnes, just want to come out staunchly in favor of porn bands, but also staunchly in favor of VPNs. I'm fascinated by this because it's just an outright ban. It's not like you have to be 18 years old.

No, it's a, I think it's an ID ban or something like that. I understand the notion. I understand that there are people who think that porn is like a social ill. I don't agree with it, but people think that, and I get the idea, but the mechanics of requiring someone to one, generally verify their age online at all, which is just inviting underage people to verify their age to an online system of unknown levels and types of security and safety is fucking wild to me that that's a thing

that's even allowed to happen. But to how much money are we spending that way? How much money are they spending on? Let's build a whole infrastructure. Let's build a whole website or whatever. Let's force all these other websites to use it. Let's spend all this money on the IT and back end for a thing where it's like you have to upload pictures of your state or federal ID card.

It's a lot of effort to go through for a thing that can be circumvented by like five bucks a month VPN subscription. Or free! Some VPNs are free! Yeah. Unfortunately, the way they're doing it is they're putting all the onus on the porn companies so when you're watching porn, ads pop up on each boob and you have to pay to remove the ads or keep clicking the X repeatedly because they just fire- ads fire like machine guns now to make up for this cost. I might have made this up. Sounds true enough to me. Back to we in the studio, Mark. Okay. Yeah. Thanks guys for your hard hitting reporting.

The reason I bring it up is because for most of our lives and most of our time on the internet, there has been this idea of internet anonymity, right? So you can be on the internet and you can just be whoever, anonymous, you're not known, that's not just the group, it's just like literally, there's a very difficult way to actually tell who is who.

And nowadays it's even harder with bots and whatnot and foreign spies. Yeah, definitely, that's definitely happening. Waiting to see if anyone, either of you or one, but you know It's I'm not which is not a thing a foreign spy would say we'll never tell they can't lie It's like the cops they have to tell you The one weakness the Achilles heel of spies are you a spy yeah, you got me That's not the game we're playing Come on

Even if anonymity ends on the internet and everyone has like a everyone knows who everyone is, I don't think that's gonna make it in any friendlier place because Facebook, you know, people would have names associated to their accounts and faces and they're the meanest sons of bitches on the internet, those guys love

fighting, then next is Twitter of course, but you know, that's a whole other story And there are the meanest sons of bitches on the internet. Those guys love fighting. Then next is Twitter, of course, but you know, that's a whole other story. What would you feel like if you, if internet animamity died? As a purely like philosophical experiment, having a system by which you could no longer remain anonymous on the internet might do some good. I think you still struggle with the issue of it doesn't feel real, even if you know you're not anonymous. I think people, like you said on Facebook, people with their picture and their real name right there

will still just say, I'll land a shit or be horrible to each other. It's because it still doesn't feel real. People just still will just type things like it's not the same as saying it to someone's face. But not being able to get away from shit, especially people who go to like dark corners of the internet to say, you know, things that are illegal or talk about doing things that are illegal or dangerous,

or I think that might do some good. But the reality of that would basically mean that you would essentially have like an account number or something that represent, you'd have something, some token that represents your online identity, right? Which would just mean that every company and all of the government agencies would know exactly what you do everywhere online. The practicality of that is the part where it completely falls apart for me.

I don't do anything online that if the public found out somehow, I would be ashamed of or would be illegal. I'm not like ordering heroin off of the Silk Road or whatever. I don't not worry about it. You know about the Silk Road? I don't want them all to know that. I don't want the advertisers to be able to target specifically based on what individual

things I click on or hover over. That level of data mining, I have no faith it would be secure from anyone and that would be terrible for people on the internet in the similar vein there's a darker idea that if they knew who you were and what you were watching they would be able to determine people that might be gay but not out in the open. Mm. Glee gay. I said that terribly. I said that horribly.

But... Sure. ...it would allow government institutions or companies to identify people's sexual orientation based on what they watch. And, you know, that by itself isn't bad, but depending on the people who have that information and have certain opinions about others sexual orientation or otherwise could be very

extremely excessively bad so like the the the bad sides are pretty bad the good sides are limited Wade in the field. How you feeling that hurricane? Uh, it's real blowy It's real bad. Thankfully. It's all straight out here There's none of that gay wind blowing around Not sure what transition you wanted with the hurricane It's one hell of a data point for them to suss out on your personal internet record, I'll tell you what The personality analysis algorithms are gonna be confused. We did say there's none of the gay wind, I don't know how to interpret this.

Do we get him? Do we not get him? I don't know. Why is it Oscar the Crab? Why are you a Muppet character? Oh my god. I say we get him! Elmo needs to know his next move.

Elmo needs to know right now! Back to you in the studio. Good. Well, great reporting. That's why you won those awards. Next up on the docket, in other news, Progresso Soup Drops. Company offers chicken noodle hard candy. Quote, soup you can suck on how is this gonna change your soup enjoying day? whoa okay that's for a second I thought that was going in a different direction

nope oh is it a hard is it sweet at all? this is probably a hoax or made-up bullshit but I have a picture here that you'd probably hate to see. The worst part is even that there's candy. You should avoid the chunky at all costs. Soup you can suck on. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Out to you in the fa- where are you- whoever you are Not me this time, I'm in studio I can't tell if this is real or not though It's- I'm finding things that don't look like jokes about this Really? Oh no If you go to progressosoupedrops.com which seems to be actually affiliated with Progresso

Maybe? Oh it says they're sold out A New York Post has an article them nasty as hell. Oh my god It says we're super sorry, but don't stew Check back next Thursday at 9 a.m. Eastern That I there's that can't be real apparently Out in the field, I'm hearing rumors that this may in fact be real.

Wow, that's tragedy. Wade in the studio or wherever you are, how's how you feeling about this? After trying one of the hard candies, I can tell you I've been intentionally trying to get COVID ever since. I never want to taste again back to you Geez all right you heard it here first. That's the hard-hitting reporting from Bob

Man Bob this might be your best performance yet. I am killing it out here. Oh man. It seems real. It seems real, unfortunately. It really does. Someone said, isn't that just bouillon, which is a good point, because you could suck on a bouillon cube.

No, but bouillon is like gross and melty. Like it turns into like gritty. If it's not in enough liquid to dissolve properly, I haven't actually done this, but I assume from the texture, it dissolves quickly. It's not like hard candy texture. You have a Jolly Rancher or something. It doesn't go away, right?

When you take a bite of soup, you're like, taste it goes away and maybe you have a soup aftertaste. This is like, you have a mouth full of soup, you can't swallow. And it's not warm or refreshing like soup? No, it's like tepid soup. Do you think it's like Starburst or something where they're gonna have like, oh I've got chicken noodle soup.

Gushers! I've got broccoli cheddar! I've got mystery flavor! It's got a little soup in the middle and it explodes when you chew it. The liquid middle. God. God. How many licks does it take to get to center of a Progresso pop?

One. Yeah. Watch them actually be the most delicious thing of all time and we're all wrong. I cannot imagine how this tastes. I have no concept of this is actually good or something. I will say I'm will say I've been reading scanning over articles by like people like Food Network articles and people who taste test things and that's their job and none of the articles has anywhere in it and I ate it and it tasted really

good. All the articles are just like, Progresso says it tastes just like soup. And that's it. So I don't know if that means they couldn't get them or that they tried it and they were like, oof, let's leave the review out of it. We don't want to make Progresso angry at us. I will say though, like at least the hard candy variety, something about it being chewy or like gum would be worse in my brain than a hard candy

It's like the shape of a piece of chicken, but it like doesn't it's like chewy Just keep chewing it They're like I'm going through the five stages of discovering a new food thing that I hate cuz I'm right now. I'm in my head I'm like, yeah, I should try it. I should check back next Thursday for everyone listening to this. It's a it's a different Thursday You'll never get it, right? Yeah, we're way in the future. You don't even know. You'll actually know you have psychic powers if you get a weird feeling on Thursday at 9am that you need to do something but you don't know what. You'll know. You want soup but also it's wrong? You'll know.

Alright, moving on. Champagne sales! Sinking! Drastically, dramatically, because apparently nobody wants to celebrate anything Weirdly enough like there are many things that are like happiness indexes in the world I've never considered champagne sales as an indicator of happiness given that it's an inversely related to it Do you think land in champagne Italy is like really cheap right now, too Should we invest? So I'm sorry, where's Champagne located? Italy, France. I meant France would have meant. Live, Wade's live from Champagne, Italy.

How's that there? This is where we stop the grapes. Hey guys, there's a sign here, but no buildings. There's no bottling whatsoever, no Champagne. Just this sign behind me that says, welcome to Champagne, Italy. These lazy Italians here just can't get off their ass to produce more champagne. There is some graffiti on the sign that says, Forget about it.

I was going to laugh, but the yawn intercepted it. I'm so sorry. I was honestly going to laugh. Forget about it. Very, very funny. Very funny. Bob, thoughts? Like, not that I don't empathize with the notion that there is less and less people might be excited about to celebrate in general in the world, the way things have gone and are going. But I also wonder if this is generational because I feel like for me, my thought is definitely like, Oh, it's new years. We should make sure we have champagne or Oh, it's like, it's my birthday party.

We should make sure we have champagne for everybody we'll do a toast but I wonder if that's like generations younger than us are moving away from an interest in that because I don't know it just seems kind of played out I feel like that's one of those things where you know stuff comes and goes and champagne has kind of had its moment and so now it's like people are just like ah just cheers whatever drink drink what you like you know why do you have to drink champagne I'd rather have a whatever Manhattan I'll just do it cheers with whatever I am drinking that's true I usually have to do cheers with a bottle of water I'm back I'm back hello yes yep hey I'm coming to you from

about 90 miles east of Paris in Champagne France France. Just arrived and I gotta tell ya, spirits down here are way down and I don't just mean because of the alcohol. Ah, what I mean is people are drinking Heineken's. They're crying, they're selling their land. No one's popping bottles. Everyone's smashing them. The scene is tragic.

Is Heineken a sad beer? Is Heineken a French beer? It is in Champagne, Bob. Wade, you. I mean, they definitely have Heineken a sad beer is Heineken a French beer it is in champagne Bob Wade you I mean They definitely have Heineken in France. That's like it's kind of an everywhere beer, but kind of just picked one that I saw all right Thank you. That's our award-winning reporter in the field Bob my skins He's up for a Pulitzer which I think is about writing and not a Pulitzer Pulitzer hardly even know it and not a Poo-litzer. Poo-litzer? Hardly even know-litzer.

No points for that. Okay, speaking of celebrating and or not celebrating, TikTok, it's Schrodinger's talk at the moment. We don't know if it's alive or dead. The 180 on TikTok has been such a fascinating social experiment in the 36 hours leading up to TikTok going dark, it like went offline early, right?

Like it was supposed to be at midnight on the night of like the 19th or something or whatever. And it went offline at like 11 and it just had a message popped up that was like, sorry. The 180 is crazy. In the 36 hours leading up to it, people were like, this is our land, we claim this app. I will never leave TikTok, this is our land. We claim this app. I will never leave TikTok.

I will die here. TikTok goes away. I go away. And then like it was gone for like less than 24 hours. It's like 18 hours or something. It came back on and everyone looked at it for a second and was like, wait a minute. I don't love this.

What the fuck? What the, who the fuck are you? What is this? And to be fair, there are some pretty staggering differences for how short it was offline. And there's definitely some stuff that stands out, including a very weirdly sweet thank you note to Trump, who was not yet president when it happened for saving TikTok and all that. But like the 180 was so hard from like TikTok is my soul to oh this is TikTok is the enemy now. It's like not hard to understand but really interesting to see everybody. Everybody just turns back on and it's like fuck. It is fascinating because when it was announced that it might be banned for realsies, you saw a ton of people on TikTok jumping ship and going to an app called Red Note.

Have you heard of that? Yes, isn't it? It wasn't it? It's a Chinese app. It's that's basically a TikTok clone. It wasn't in English and still like a large parts of it are not in English because it's it's not for us. It's for like people in that market who all speak Mandarin or whatever language it's in. I looked at it. I downloaded Red Note. I thought about it. I decided to stay with my TikTok spy instead of getting a new Red Note spy. That's where I'm at right now. I see. Wade out in the field, been interviewing Jen's ears all day long. What are their thoughts? What are your feelings?

Well, I'm coming to you live from TikTok HQ, which is located here in Beijing, Singapore and Los Angeles somehow all at once. It's been mad out here. TikTok was feeling very blue, but now they've got red in their eyes. Red banners have been coming down all day. Jen's ears were saying bring it back, bring it, take it back, take it back. It's been a wild time out here. note going blue tick-tock going red back to you wherever you are all right thank you whoo incredible reporting from Bob Meisskins in the field able to traverse the time and space to be in all those headquarters I had other thoughts I don't remember them this is old news now

but can I just say that the CEO of TikTok sitting in front of the congressional panel and repeatedly just going Senator, I'm from Singapore. And the guys just be like, okay, but are you Chinese? And he'd be like, I am from Singapore. But are you also Chinese? Singapore is not China. I am Singaporean. Is that Chinese in nature? It's like, what the f- What the hell is this conversation? I hope the same senator that asked Mark Zuckerberg if he could help fix their internet was there. Like, I understand you're from Singapore, but my constituents need better internet. Can you help them? Might've been the same guy for all I know.

Probably. It was just a fascinating exchange of one man desperately trying to explain one piece of information and a panel of idiots asking the same question repeatedly, not understanding. Are you American, Chinese, or Russian? I'm from Singapore. I saw what I asked. Sounds pretty Russian to me. Or Russian I'm from Singapore. I thought when I asked sounds pretty Russian to me In other news not political probably rats get a taste for drugs in Houston police evidence room. Oh Yes, apparently I don't know if there's a ratatouille situation where they're piloting police into the evidence room and then Making them stuff drugs into their hats or if they're actually breaking in I haven't read the article

I'm just reading the title thoughts sounds like some cool rats to me. Holy shit I'm sorry. I didn't mean that Rats could never be cool. I would never think that it sounds terrible What holy shit what's happening? I actually opened the article and I was just like, Holy shit. Police Department officials lament, quote, systematic- systemic problems and say rats, quote, enjoying 400,000 pounds of marijuana in storage.

I have two questions. How many rats were there? WHY DO THEY HAVE 400,000 POUNDS OF MARIWANA? Storage. I have two questions. How many rats were there? Why do they have? 400,000 pounds of marijuana. I don't know personally. I've never been in an evidence room or whatever But like I have a general notion about the sort of thing It does not surprise me that an evidence room at a police station or whatever the evidence Blockers would be the kind of place where you might also potentially have rats because like it's storage, right? It's like guns and stuff but also it's mostly like paperwork and pictures and not terribly interesting things but important

pieces that might need to be used at trial or whatever, right? So it's just like storage with a very high level of security. Padlock. Why do police departments store huge amounts of drugs? Marijuana is different because it is legal now to like have that. But I don't think it's legal to import it illegally or to have 400,000 pounds of it or however many pounds a person might have and traffic it and then be like, wait, and then start doing it legally.

I think those are illegal drugs. Why don't they destroy them? I feel like the cops are just like, well, we'll just hold on to it. We're not gonna, it's illegal, right? But we'll just hold on to this, because it's pretty valuable. I'm trying to contextualize this

because even I can't wrap my head around how many bricks of marijuana it probably is. Because you know, they probably wrap it in like the standard drug duct tape like brick right and it's usually a kilogram right i think that's usually what it is because it's it's leaves yeah they go kilograms to pounds okay so this is a 400 000 pounds is 181 000 and eighty one thousand kilograms. If they were on pallets. And so that's one hundred and eighty one thousand one kilogram bricks of marijuana. You can fit.

And I did cereal boxes because it's the only thing that I could think would actually have evidence of how many would fit on a pallet. Given a cereal box is like probably roughly similar dimensions. It's got gotta be close. You can fit about a hundred cereal boxes on a palette. What? No, more. That can't be right. Wait, no.

That can't be right. Wait, no, six. Alright, six by twelve by four is the box, right? And you got a forty eight by forty palette. You can fit, auto assigning it, it load height you do 10 layers of it Yeah, that looks good one kilogram has dimensions of eight and a half inches by 11 inches by two and a half inches if that Hell the mark was close 240 packages per palette of that size which is about as much as a brick

181,000 let me bust out my calculator 181,000, I'm gonna bust out my calculator, 181,000 divided by 240, that's 754 standard pallets of marijuana. That's a big fucking evidence room they got down there. What the hell? These pallets stacked end to end would be 3000 feet long, almost two thirds of a mile. Is this the same police force that ordered 300 machine guns

or whatever it was? No, that was a small police department. Yeah, it's those guys. It's three guys. One of them that likes the guns and one of them likes the giant warehouse full of marijuana. Like we need a parking garage that's like 18 stories. Are there only like six of you?

Trust me, we need this. And they're casually being like, yeah, the rats are enjoying it. I was so distracted by that, that I couldn't ugh. I mean, I have no idea if that's a common thing. I know police departments in general, like you confiscate, you know, when you make a bust, you confiscate whatever, confiscate the drugs or the guns or whatever illegal stuff. Why would that not be destroyed? And maybe the case is ongoing and it's required.

I feel like you take a picture and you'd be like, yep, that's all was on them. See this picture of them standing next to it. And then we destroyed it because it's illegal. This didn't actually happen to me, but I'm going to pretend it didn't. Like when I was a kid and my dad came into my room and looked under my bed and he found the Playboy that I had got the older kid to buy for me from the gas station, you know? And he was like, you're too young for this, but he didn't throw it away. And he was like, I'm just going to put this away in my nightstand and

you don't look at it, okay? You're too young. It's like, but you're not getting rid of that. That feels similar to me. But that's not a thing the police are supposed to do. I'm pretty sure that's illegal for them to do anything with the drugs other than continue to confiscate it. That's why they fed it to the rats. Anyway, out to you, Bob Wade live reporting out in the field. What's the story? Bad news coming to you to let you know that Gustos is shutting down after Remy and all of the fellow rats have been high as fuck all week Unfortunately, he's not been showing up for work. No cooking is getting done

The quality has dropped dramatically and now mr. Gusto is shutting things down Augusti August August Augustay Shut it down. You're so close, but he was dead before that movie even takes place. Well, his son is a junior. What's his name? Yeah, what's his name? Gusto. That's his last name. Junior. That's not his last name at all. Yeah, well that would be his last name because he takes it on later. Timothy Gusto.

September Gusto. I'm sorry. the answer we were looking for is Alfredo Linguini. He's correct. Oh he's long been dead. The rats got the munchies, there was no cheese to be found so they ate Linguini right away. Remi sitting on top of a desiccated skeleton just like, ah come on man, come on. Only the hair remained. A nasty scene, nasty scene. Only the hair remained a nasty scene nasty scene All right, we're closing up on our news today Judge sentences woman for setting fire to a Springfield home using Takis tortilla chips, dude Not talkies in particular but like corn tortilla chip type things in general, like Doritos and stuff. Excellent fire starting.

Are they? They're like very thin and crispy, but they're covered in like greasy flammable. If you're desperate to start a fire and you have everything except like a fire starter, if you take like a handful of like Doritos, put that and then put your tinder on top of it, very flammable.

And I don't know for sure that Takis are, but I'm assuming, because it's the same kind of thing. It's very, very good fire starting stuff. Fascinating. I did not know that. All right, well, Wade is applauding the arsonist. I believe that's what Wade's doing there. Wade is on the side of arsonists, yes.

Wade, Bob, out in the field. This just in, there's been an arrest. A rat in California broke into a precinct that was holding some illegally imported talkies Apparently running around all of Los Angeles spreading the very flammable talkies causing mass destruction Don't forget my name is Bob I'm reporting on the cause. Clearly he's talking. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.

Oh ho ho. Back to you. Hahahaha. Well, that is hard hitting reporter Bob out in the field always getting the truth and the scoop of the truth.

Any other thoughts? Boop. I just surprised that the mice that were all high truth in the scoop of the truth. Any other thoughts? I just surprised that the mice that were all high off their asses didn't just eat all the talkies. Who knows what their motivation was. Too spicy turns out. You have a firsthand account of that. Do you have someone to corroborate that evidence? I've been shitting flames all morning. All right, fair enough. All right. I'm out of news articles. We got to fill time. All right, fair enough. All right. I'm out of news articles. We got a fill time People will be very mad if we ended early I think a couple might be mad anyway

It's out in the field there. Whatever that field is you're in get out that that field is not good Yeah, you gotta leave did you get all of this information from the same field? Cuz I feel like that as potentially a problem for the for the you know the veracity of it uh very different fields one was in Italy one was in France one was Singapore Beijing and LA all at once I did reuse the same field for the other LA report I'm really sad that you didn't say Italy France underpants but uh unfortunately I Bob missed that one you wouldn't have though. Oh, I do have one more article This is the most breaking news this appeared just an hour ago Elon Musk You ready?

Go appears to admit he's guilty of cheating in gaming scandal This is might be the worst thing he's ever done in the last hour my heart goes out to him I can't believe this is come out if he just admitted to boosting in the first place, no one would have given a shit, but trying to claim it was his own work? Very unfortunate. Coming to you from one of the tier 15 maps of Paths of Exile,

where I've been dead for the last hour after not knowing how to play. Alright. Where did this come from? I don't... I don't know. There's an article on fortune.com. I love their stuff. And it's Elon Musk let slip he may have secretly had help in what critics say is the biggest gaming fraud in history. This is obviously the most important takeaway from recent activities.

Well, we all know Path of Exile is a very competitive game with real stakes. It's the number one e-sport right now with all of its competitive nature and only cooperative play. So I can see how it could be the biggest. It's like kind of like when you fake beating the world records and like Pac-Man and such boosting in Path path of exile too. Worse than murder. That's true. Probably.

Bob, wait. I'm just catching up on the lore. I didn't realize this news had broken and it's fascinating. I'm coming to you live shackled in Elon's basement and I could tell you he's been throwing a tantrum all day. I just want to say if that's really what you said is really the headline, or not the headline, but the biggest fraud in gaming, Billy Mitchell is sitting

at his home right now. Absolutely seething. I don't know if you guys know who Billy Mitchell is. He cheated to have the number one cheating scandal. I know. Oh man. And watch listeners. If you don't know who Billy Mitchell is there are plenty of videos online talking about his exploits and his legal proceedings and man has that guy gone through great lengths to ensure that he did indeed have the biggest scandal ever in gaming, unstated by a guy who doesn't even know how to play Diablo 4. Not anymore. Elon Musk has been jumping with a full six inch vertical and one arm flailing about wildly all day. Well, not wildly, one arm flailing very specifically. Oh, you're also here. Really calculated angle, honestly. I can't believe I missed this. This is definitely

high octane stuff coming out about a guy who as far as I know doesn't have much else going on. Yeah it appears nothing else going on actually because I'm not sure what his day to day is but it's definitely not gaming or doing anything of value. I don't know how he has time to cheat in path of exile with all the X's he posts or all the... You mean all of his tweets on twitter? Yeah, it's still Twitter. Sorry from his basement I was trying to say the right thing. I'm quite terrified right now. No, don't worry. It's everyone knows it's a Twitter He's tweets on Twitter. Oh, that's fair. Yeah, it's Twitter But honestly like I wasn't posting much on it before but yeah

Just like Twitter's just become truly assessable and an unpleasant place to be which I don't know why people would stay in a place That is unpleasant to be but my goodness that is an unpleasant place to be, which I don't know why people would stay in a place that is unpleasant to be, but my goodness, that is an unpleasant place to be. There's a lot of people who do use that site regularly and tweet or post or whatever and are contributing to like the terrible bitreolic part of it. Do they get enjoyment out of that? I mean, I guess they're on the attack, getting their gripes out. They're winning! They must enjoy gripes out. They're winning They must enjoy something about it hard to imagine what I believe it's the Takis because they've got some spicy takes

All right, I'm gonna wrap it up there that has been your world events update everyone Hope you paid attention because this will be our award-winning episode I believe that this we're gonna get some accolades for this headlines will be written about this episode I guarantee you I feel like my 2028 bid for the presidency might have taken a hit today uh actually no nothing but boosts your poll numbers are through the roof oh I meant a hit of marijuana I somehow came across these pallets They kind of overflowed out this building door

I don't know where this is in Houston, but hey, it just keeps going rats each running around carrying a brick of their own All right. I'm gonna calculate up the points. I have no idea who's who or what's what I think we're both Bob I'm gonna discredit any ability for you guys to Say who is the other and any rules declarative of who assigns points to the other. That's only my job and I'm gonna do it. About time. In no particular order, Wade.

Yes. The real Wade, the real Wade. Oh, I'm not sure if that's better or worse. I don't know if that's me anymore. You got points for Medusa pubes That's where we started. Sorry. You have a Medusa pubes in your mouth Red sky Lucy, I think that's what you said I couldn't remember double points for none of that gay wind Trying to get kov since. High as fuck. Spreading Takis all across California. Oh no!

And my heart goes out to Elon Musk. Just go through it. Bob, you got a polite point. I can't imagine I earned any other points, but go on. You got a whelmed point. You earned the Segway point. I gave you the TikTok thoughts points for pertinent information. That's thoughts T-H-O-U-H-G, fuck. THOTS point.

You got the holy shit point. And you got Alfredo Linguini's true name. September. That puts Wade at a whopping nine to Bob six. Yikes. Congratulations, Wade. This was the most dominating performance even though you're masquerading as Bob the entire time. If I did follow the rules, Bob would be winning and I feel like that just wouldn't be fair to your incredible and probably career-ending statements that you have made today. What do you have to

say for yourself? Do I have to give the winner speech? Yes. It was a good streak, but unfortunately here I am victorious. I gotta say, I don't know if I feel like a winner. I just hope my mommy is proud of me, because none of the rest of you will be. Hahahaha Back to you in the studio. Alright, took it over to Bob......the sports.

I've had this feeling at the end of several other episodes that we've done. I still can't tell if it's a good feeling or a bad feeling. I don't like it. I'm glad I lost. Or maybe not. Anyway, I don't know what's happening. I'm scared. Can we end this?

Yes, we can. Thank you everybody so much for watching and listening. Be sure to follow, or I guess you could... It's the same button that unfollows, so press it whichever way you want to and we're gonna be here Again next week unless the authorities stop us But then we'll be broadcasting live from the Houston evidence room where we will start our new Weed-focused podcast where we all will all be high for every episode. Thank you everybody so much. See them, MyScream, LordMending777, me, Markiplier, Pacquisto.