Distractible - News Flash!

Episode Date: March 2, 2026

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25. All rights reserved. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Madding Future Mark hates dicks K-pop, trips balls, and plays whose line is it anyway? Weepy Wade tricks himself into tears, does his duty by his fluffies, assist in an orgy, and with a billionaire. Bear Muth Bob struggles with understandable strain, and gets a dirty nose full. From format genius to mushroom messires. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

It's time for news flash. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hi and welcome back to distractible. My name is Mark Iplier and I'm here hosting this episode because I won last time. And if you don't know how that, that, that thing, that that works, it's because that's the entire thing of the game. And I know there's probably one person that's been listening to this and or watching this the entire, probably listening to this.

Let's be honest. Let's be honest with ourselves. It's probably one of the listeners who has been looking at this, slack jaw, drool dripping out of the mouth, not understanding the concept of how this show works. The only reason that our longevity is still longevity is because we were geniuses when we made this podcast, and we set out to make a formula that,

could be repeated at infinitum, even if we repeat the same episodes over and over again, and that everyone could find entertainment value in every single moment. It doesn't matter if they have eyes or years or none of the above. They'll love this podcast, and so will you. And so you will. And so you do? Oh, look, it's one of the guys joining today. Oh, a fresh, beautiful face.

I just come falling in from the top of the screen. Yeah, the editors will make that happen. This is Bob. Bob stands at a lovely 6'4.5. He's got a smile for days. He's a glasses man. Purple is his entire personality. It's Bob.

That's me. I wish I could be more purple. This is as purple as it gets. Ignore all the stuff behind me that's not purple. Or that doesn't sound purple. Editors put in the sound of purple. Oh, yeah. Wow.

And Wade, the human equivalent of a mushroom. always in the same place persevering through death, despair, anything, you'll always find fun guy where this guy is because he's such a fun guy. Wade! Hey, Mark, phoning it in from Ohio today. It's funny every time.

You too. Weirdly, you get a segue point. I don't know how you managed to get the segue point this early. I told either. I don't know what I had this part. Jesus Christ, that's really, you are weirdly six cents about the topic and getting that, I think. Anyway, we got a fun episode for you today in that it is a new one, and I have no idea if it's going to work or not.

So whether it's fun or not is entirely dependent on future me, and that's not me right now. So I'm not responsible for that guy's actions. That guy's a dick. And frankly, I don't like him. So if anything happens with Future Mark, that, you know, screaming obscenities, a lot of racial slurs could happen. That guy, not me right now. Just gotta say that out there. I don't like from my perspective when you were pointing him back at future Mark, it looked like you were pointing at me.

Yes, you are secretly future, Mark. Hey, man, things get tough. Things really go crazy, man. You would not believe. Really thought Iron Lung 2 was a good idea. Mark, don't do it. Turns out nobody wants to see an ocean of hair. We ran out, so I had to donate my own.

It didn't come back. Ew, an ocean of hair. Don't worry. I pulled so much out. There was still a lot of blood. Yeah, I don't know why ocean of hair is more disgusting than an ocean of blood. It is, isn't it? I think somehow it's, it's even past like an ocean of piss or something like that or an ocean of poo.

Ocean of hair, that really sounds unpleasant. Well, think about how it feels, you know that, like, it's maybe not every time, but when you get that surprise, single hair, your mouth and you're like, oh, that's one hair, an ocean of that. Just constant misery. Just, ugh. Yeah, no thank you for that. I chapsticked before shaving my beard and all the little tiny hairs got caught in the chapstick.

And then like, I ate something later and like licked my lip and just all of that hair that up on my tongue. And it was like 20 minutes of misery trying to remove it. God, that's so gross. Why would you even say that out loud? I don't know. I was a little bit of no idea. I was trying to be hashtag relatable.

How dare you manifest that into existence by making it happen physically, not manifesting it at all? It was in my mouth, you know, I lived it. Yeah, and I hate it. At least it was my own hair. Yeah, well, if it's a notion of it, I doubt it's going to be in all your hair. I don't have much to grow. Unless you used to have the densest hair in the world and it just... I did. I had really thick hair when I was young.

It's like a cat tail, you know, when you see the video, the person biting into a cattail. And yeah, and they go... Don't bite into my bald. You won't find the... What? Biting your... What? My bald.

Oh. Don't bite to my balls either, but I don't care. I'll pass on both. Thank you. Spend a little bit since we last chat, almost exactly a week like it almost always is. So what's new with you guys' lives? I have weird small talk this week,

so I can go first and get out of the way. And maybe it's not weird. Maybe I'm undercutting myself, but I had a moment earlier today, I guess. And I don't know if you guys get this, but it's been a tough. time, like generally, like emotionally. James is a toddler and he's been struggling with tantrums and like pretty normal toddler stuff. It's been harder than I have expected to deal with on

my end. And I think it stems from, I feel very protective of Mandy. And so when James takes things out on Mandy, that's pretty normal. That's his mom like that, but goes from like, oh, he's a toddler. Like he's a toddler. He's having hard time to like, don't. fucking mess with Mandy, right? Like something triggers in the back of my mind that's very confusing because I'm protective of both of them, but I was protective of Mandy first.

Anyway, I've been struggling with like that, right, trying to process stuff, kind of confusing stuff. And I don't know why, but today I was driving and system of a down came on. I didn't like choose to play. It just came up in a random thing. And like, I don't even remember.

I think it was lost in Hollywood from mesmerize. I don't know. It's a random song that I used to love when I was younger and haven't listened to in forever. And it came on and like just triggered an instant emotional release for me. Like literally it came on and it was just like system of a down and it started started singing. And I was just like, oh, and something opened and I like teared up and just like it's just like a weird thing. And it struck me like I get that sometimes.

I've had that there was a point in law school where it was really fucking miserable. And I was thinking about quitting and I hated everything. And then on my drive home from school occasionally, like a song would come on from high school or from before. And I would just like have a huge release, figure something out, process something. And it just made me curious if that's like a me specific thing or if you guys have ever experienced stuff like that. Because it just, I forget, right? I love music and I'll just forget. And I'll be in the middle of something where I'm like having a bad time or I'm really angry about.

And then if I just chose to turn on music, it would probably help. But I like, you forget about everything else when you're wrapped up in, you know, your own stuff sometimes. It's like magic. Like it just like poofed. And I felt so much better from one song in the car on the on the radio randomly. And I thought that was crazy. But do you guys get that? I do.

I'll wait unless you want to jump in on the discussion. But I think that there's something interesting here. I mean, I've got stuff to add. but if you want to go first, you can. I mean, you're a host, man. I don't know why I said that's so weird and somberly. Like, this is a sacred topic. Oh, no.

No, it's weird because I don't listen to music on the regular, right? I don't listen in a car. I don't do anything. But there are certain times when I realize the power that music has, because I like music. People probably hear that I don't listen to music in the car and think that I don't like it. I know, I like it. I just never, it's not in my DNA to go seek out music or listen.

to it casually. But when K-pop demon hunters came out, I was like in the middle of one of the many final stretches of Iron Lung. And it wasn't Golden, the song that everyone was listening to. It was like the last song of the like, this is why it sounds like, I would listen to that on the drive to go work on the movie. And I'd just be like, I can do this. I can do this. And it's weird. It like gets to be hyped up more than anything. I don't even know why. But it's just, it's just, it just. It just hits something, right? It just hits something. And I believe there is a real tangible thing.

And music in human history has been very much about that. That's why you have drummers going into war. You know, bat, but... Yeah, yeah. I love war. That's my favorite war drums. Love that, Diddy. All right, wait, it was to help me.

First of all, the song you just mentioned from K-pop Demon Hunters is also the one that stuck out to me the most when I watched it. Golden's good, don't get me wrong. They're all bangers, but that one also has one got me. I go through like phases of just wanting to get the tears rolling. So I'll seek out stuff. Like I'll watch people react to like James Blunt, like his song, Monsters. Like I'll watch people react that I've never singing.

I'm like, yes, here we go. Pain! And I don't know why I do that, but like I'll occasionally be like, oh man, I just, you know what I need to watch soldiers coming home videos? People reuniting with their pets videos. Like, I need that today. And I'll sit here for like two hours, just like, Yes, drain my eye fluids. Why?

I do that. And I like movies with like somewhat predictable, cheesy, like emotional ending sometimes. It's like, oh, yes, I'm getting the feels out. I don't know why. Because like typically I'm pretty like held together, whatever. I don't cry a lot publicly or anything. But sometimes when I'm by myself, I'm just like, you know what? I want to laugh for a bit.

And then I want to cry my fucking eyes out. And I don't know why. So give me that emotional song. Let me watch those emotional videos. Let me just feel. Let me get the feels. I think we need it. I think humans need it.

It's in today's society, we're very, well, a lot of us comfortable, you know, with air conditioning. And usually there's obviously starvation and there's famine out there in the world. But for the most part, you know, people to have the opportunity to get bored are bored because a lot of our needs are basic, basic needs are met. And so this kind of, it turns from being comfortable to being just in a very middle, non-dynamic state. and your average can be average because you're sitting in at literally at number five out of 10 or your average can be average because you're swinging from zero to 10 so often just like iron long you know it's not average there's zeros and tens you know it's really really spread but the average geo gets down it's it's dynamic i think that we as as even says need that experience and sometimes art and um music and movies can have that kind of cathartic balance or bring a little bit of it. We're meant to suffer. Why are we still here?

Watch puppies reunite with their owners, man. It's so cute. You're right. You're so right. Other small talk. If I randomly look like I just got punched in the nuts, it's because I fucked my neck up real good. We took James to a trampoline park.

And I did not jump on the trampolines, but I had to walk around on them. And at some point, I did the classic, almost fall down, give myself whiplash. And I just, my neck is just great. It feels really good. So I'm fine, but if I don't point, I'm just like, ignore me. I'm fine. Just old. It's out of shape.

It's all good. I don't remember much about the past week. Not going to lie, because last night was a really rough night of sleep. Dogs and cat went to the vet yesterday. So we'd have to drop the dogs off at like 7 a.m., which for me is like 2.30 in the morning for normal people. I actually passed out, got like four hours of sleep, took the dogs in, came back, tried to sleep a little bit.

Then we'd take the cat in later because he can't go into anesthesia after he had the near death experience a couple years ago. Then we were at the vet for like an hour while they examined heaters. And we got all the animals, came home, and Presley and Ginger had to be put under for dental cleanings. And they were still kind of out of it when we got home. Presley got sick a couple of times. And he just kind of kept throughout the night, like looking at us and whining a little bit. And that persisted throughout the night. We went to bed at like one or two last night, which for us is pretty good. But every couple of hours, I woke up to Presley whining and I would try to comfort him. And then seven, eight at the clock this morning, I was like,

I give up. I'm just going to go downstairs and sit with you guys and I don't know. And then Presti was like, ah, father, you're awake. Now I will sleep peacefully next to you on the couch. Yeah, well, he was real tired after a long night, you know. Yeah, I didn't get a lot of sleep and it wasn't really good sleep. But we were worried about the babies and Molly's with him now. One of us is probably not streaming tonight because of just wanting to be there, make sure they're all right. Just I don't know, for whatever reason, anesthesia does not sit well with Presley. Not like Keaters did, but like he usually takes a day or two to be back to his old self after he gets put under. Anyway, that's all I know. I don't remember what happened prior to that.

I think I've been playing a lot of Pokemon. I'll call them fan games. What does that mean? He means porn. Oh. Well no, I just, the term Romahack sounds illegal. Uh huh. It might be illegal. So is it illegal or not illegal? No. Yeah, he knows what he's doing. He knows what he's doing. Okay, only one of the three of us has a video about passing or smashing all the Pokemon and it's not me. Who is it then? We'll never know. I would never point the the finger at our host and I won't do it now. Okay. All right. Well, you point one forward. You got three pointing back at

yourself. So, wait, that's it for me. They're pointing straight up, idiot. You got them there. Oh, man. See, the trick is you got to shove your end and point all four fingers. You got to point,

you point aggressively. You point, like, velpity. You. It was you that wanted to smash the Pokemon. Bring me the god of war. Unlimited Pokemon. Nobody likes Garbador except me. Where are my gloves?

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Many promotions are available both in-store and online, though some may vary. Now, you're probably wondering why Wade got the segue point. I remember what I said back then, so yeah, I sure am. It's going to earn him the privilege of going first in this lovely competition. Now, this is going to take a little explaining. I know the last time I tried to explain a game. people at home, mostly the listeners, we're like, oh, brains just exploding.

Comprehension plummeted. Test scores took a nosedive, you know. It'll be simple. We're doing news flash. Like, no, get pouring off your brain, man. It's like the who's line game, News Flash. Uh-huh. So, what I have collected are various news stories,

real news stories that have occurred over the past month or so, some stretching a bit farther back in time, but for the most part, it's relatively topical news stories. When one of you is going, you will be the man out in the field with your microphone and listening in closely. That person will have to, by the honor system, minimize their riverside so that they can't see us and they will just be blind out in the field because I'm going to share with the other person in this case, Bob, what the article is. So Bob and I will both be asking the man in the field questions about the news story that the editors will put behind him. So I'll link the articles to the editor. So there'll be pictures, maybe video if we can find some royalty-free video to make it make sense.

And we will be asking the host out in the field or the person out in the field, the reporter, questions. And they have to guess what the news article is. It could be the title of the news article. it could be the general concept of what is happening behind him. Makes sense? Okay, I'm not seeing this game in like 20 years, but you know what? I remember it, and I'm sure I will be fine. I've seen the actual game on the show, I don't think helps in any way as long as you

understand the premise. Well, it kind of like gives you an idea of what questions to ask or how to answer them to get clues. So I don't remember any of that. I will judge this in a kind of similar way to the drawing one where they will be, I'll give points based on how well, your questions are helping the person. And obviously I'm part of that, but my questions will not have any factor in on the person,

other person scores. I'm just there to give you the other person time to think so that they don't have to constantly barrage. And how it worked on the show whose line is two people were asking, one person on the field. Wade, in this case, you would be Colin mockery because they almost always had him out in the field. Did anyone else ever go into the field? I think maybe Ryan did once, but it was like Colin was clearly the person to do that.

Yeah, what else to Colin and I have in common? Being short. Oh, okay. I thought you were going to say bald. So when Wade, you can respond however you want, but just pay attention to the questions being asked and start to formulate in your head. Do I need my green screen up? So the editors can clearly put this whole news story right behind me? I mean, it would help. Yeah, actually. That would be help. You got this news story video, right? Bob has benefited because his background actually is mostly purple, which does help give a distinct color to key it out. No, actually, this is great. Okay, Perfect.

And then also for the listeners at home, you'll get a text to speech of what the title of the article is. And that way you can know what's going on beforehand. So the audience at home, you'll know what the article is. And the editors will be also tasked with playing sound effects that are happening behind. And just getting a general scene so that everyone is part of this. You said this is going to take a lot of imagination and work on our part. I think this maybe takes more work on the editor's parts.

It might. It's all hands. Don't worry. We just need this ready by tomorrow. Yep. No work. Chip, chop, chip. Let's get this together now.

All right. So go ahead and minimize your screen, Wade. Fun. All right. So I'll do your favor. I'll ask the first question because I know what these are. I'll ask the first question all these. All right.

Is everybody ready any questions before we get served? I think we're good. I'm good. I should have had music queued up. for this for news music, but editors, I'm going to put it all on you. Cortina condom shortage. Astellites were given 10,000 free condoms, and they disappeared in three days. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the nightly news.

I'm your host, Dixon Smash'em, and I'm joined by my co-host, Bob. Oh, I'm your co-host, Reed Fenus. We have a breaking news story. We have our man out in the field, Wade. is in the midst of the action. Wade, can you hear us? Yes, yes I do. It's a bit crazy out here, so I've got headphones on it, make sure I can pick you up. Yeah, yeah, even through the headphones, I can hear it all happening. Wade, have you ever known an event like this to happen so quickly? No, no, Bob. It started off real calm. If you can believe it, looking around, it started off

very calm, but as the day has gone on, well, you can see. Well, do you think the cold has anything to do with it. Oh, that's a good, good possibility. I, I mean, temperatures have been going up and down, as you know. Things have been crazy around here. It's been zero degrees, been 70 degrees. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Yeah. Indeed. Wade, a skier was quoted as saying, they promised us more will arrive, but who knows when? Do you have any idea when those are going to show up? Uh, no, I've been trying to get an update, but based on the chaos around me, it's been hard to really get anyone's attention. Everyone's been kind of focused on the, uh, the events going on. Yeah, I'm sure. Which events would that be? Well, you know, I would tell you

more, but I, I think, uh, your eyes can tell you pretty much. Based on the, uh, the events happening, uh, you know, uh, we've been on the, the hills over here. We've been on the planes over here. A lot of pushing and shoving. Oh my gosh, there's so much pushing and so much shoving, I bet. Yeah, I think I would define this event maybe as a mixed singles type thing. But wait, you know, this actually started originally in 1988 in Seoul. Can you remember a crazier year than this one? Or maybe a specific city that this happened in that sticks out to you?

Well, every four years it seems to get crazier and crazier, but I won't forget Atlanta. What was that? 2000 Atlanta? That one was pretty wild. but the weather was a lot calmer that year. Well, as you know, the previous record is 300,000. Do you think that it's going to break the record this year? Well, every year people train harder and harder,

and we see records broken all the time. You've seen some records broken? You've seen it. You've been in there. Well, in order to do my job, to the fullest, yes, I've had to dive straight in. Oh. So you're saying you contributed to this, actually. How many would you say you contributed?

Well, just because I'm hands-on reporting doesn't mean I'm two hands-on. Go on. For the sake of my job, I'm not sure I should. I'd like a number. I feel like you could guesstimate a number. 17. Wow. That really is impressive.

If there was a chart for who was the, you know, who was leading this, that must, you must be competitive at very least. Yeah. Did you manage while you were in there in the midst of the, action. Did you manage to get any quotes from anybody? I can see, you know, there's not many people that seem to be conscious at this moment, but, you know, maybe, you know, before the exhaustion set in, they said something to you. Oh, a lot of ooze and ahs. How many? 34. Exactly double your number. Interesting. That was fascinating. Hmm. Not that I'm counting.

Not that I'm counting. Clearly not. Clearly not. You know, this is actually banned in, uh, in, uh, watch out. Yeah. No, look, there's definitely going to be video of this on the screen behind you there. Don't worry about it. This is actually banned in Beijing. Do you think part of this, the speed with which it happened this time around, has anything to do with the ban for the previous games? I think that they have tried their best to keep things under control. But, I mean, whenever you've got people working out so much and testosterone and estrogen flowing everywhere,

things are going to get crazy fast. All right, wait, do you have a guess for the artist? and where you are. Am I in the midst of a bunch of Olympic athletes having sex without condoms? That is pretty close. I would say that's really, really close. If you had to guess the title of the article, I saw something about there being a condom shortage or within like some.

Yeah, that's it, that's it. Cortina condom shortage. Athletes were given 10,000 free condoms. They disappeared in three days. I'd say that's full points for both of you. That was well done across the board. I got to the Olympics pretty quick I was like oh man I don't know the different Olympic events

Then the context clues of what was going on started to come in So I just want one big mosaic blur By the whole time It's 17 and 34 I don't know how I feel about that So we don't really have to minimize I mean I guess I will Yeah no no not necessarily

Should I leave that I don't know if it's easier to leave that up or bring it up and down for this I don't know Oh bring it up and down come up All right there's you guys easy I was trying to to find another like event-based one to get it similar but I don't think that these are gonna kind of be random you know new since these are real news stories it's kind of just a little difficult but this one actually might be tough but I think we're just gonna go with it so wait I'm gonna send you okay I know right that's a weird one ready everybody all right cue the music

how much cocaine is in Nantucket sewage a lot Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Sir Sniffs a lot, and I'm here to report you on some breaking news. I'm also joined by my co-host, Enda House Tonight. And we have our award-winning, Pulitzer Prize winning, and also whatever the journalism one is, reporter out in the field, whose name escapes me. Terry Porter. Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry. I got to ask, you know, just because I feel.

feel like there's some legal ramifications for it. You haven't compromised yourself, have you? No, no, I learned those lessons in journalism school. Never compromise my ethics, never compromise my sources, never compromise myself. I'm just out here reporting on, you know, facts. I got a follow up here. Do we know exactly how much ended up there? Scientists are saying anywhere between 10 and 10 million.

My sense is it's kind of a lot. Yeah. Do you think you're at risk, though? The reason I ask is because obviously you're knee deep in it right now. And given what we know about the circumstances, I just fear for you. I fear for you. Yeah, I feel okay right now. They did tell me to bring, you know, knee high boots, which I did.

If it gets any higher, I'm not covered. I don't think my jeans are going to do very much. I think if the level goes any higher, I'm going to be in a little bit of trouble. But it seems to be settling. It seems to calm me down. I think we're at the peak. We're at the zenith right now. I think I'm okay.

Oh, Zinus, good word. That's why you won the Pulitzer, man. And that other one. I'm assuming a lot of police involvement, maybe FBI involvement in this. Oh, sure. Sure, yeah, though. They called everyone. The paramedics are standing by.

Dick Amble Control is out here just to help manage any strays that come up. It's tough for everyone to get around. So they kind of all pick their spots and we're all just sitting still tell the level goes back down or it starts to get cleared out. But everyone, everyone's here. Strays, you say, strays. You're saying that the local wildlife is getting into the supply. And I've heard reports that crocodiles were emerging rather more active than usual. Is that something you're seeing? Yes, yes, I've seen that a little bit.

I've heard reports, it's not just crocodiles, any ground-based sort of animals, definitely getting flushed out. And then, you know, once they're out and about, they're sort of joining in, it's an attractive supply. I think it's really, once they realize what's happening, They can't keep their mouths off of it. Do animals with a stronger sense of smell seem more affected? No.

No, not really. They're all pretty equally excited about just eating as much as they possibly can. I don't have a great sense of smell. So maybe I've just not noticed it. Maybe that's why they sent me. For our listeners at home, listeners at home, can you give a 360 spin and just kind of give a general lay of the land? Maybe just give some description of what's going on. So right here where I am, you could see it's pretty static. I'm almost on kind of like an island.

If you look up here, you could see there's a lot of movement. There's a lot of downhill movement. It's sort of a flow. When you look over here, you can see the authorities attempted to erect a barrier, and it's really starting to crest the barrier. They were thinking a double high wall would be enough to retain, but I think you could tell that convoy of police cars is pretty eminent danger right now, being overrun. Our sponsor over at Grindr sent over a question. They wanted to know if women's restrooms were being focused on a bit more to make sure that women were being careful when powdering their noses. Well, I think we all know the men's restrooms are the ones that really get dirty. I don't know if it's a cultural thing or if it's, but men don't take care of our spaces.

You know, we do what we got to do and we leave it, how we leave it. I think the women are just so much more respectful in general that there's are sort of normal. There's nothing that crazy. It's like a different world for the women's restrooms. I can tell you that. Well, it's just such a fascinating story because everyone's asking, how did

how did that much get in there? How? It's so far above the national average. It's about four to five times the national average. I don't know who thought it would be a good idea to open the day

with the spiciest chili contest, but I'm going to guess that that has something to do with it? Do they suspect any kind of cartel involvement? Not that I've heard. It's really hard to hear over the smell, if you know what I mean? None of the authorities have officially pointed in that direction. It could be out of fear.

Can't rule that out. But right now, no, this is really more of a grassroots type of origination. Now, we've heard rumors here in the studio that other up-and-coming low-life members of society have taken to repackaging what they have been able to scavenge from the outskirts of the overflow and they have been selling it on the streets and they've been calling it the brown but you know they want to put it out there you know try to make a buck is that what you're seeing to or is this just internet rumors it's a little bit of rumors i think maybe blowing it out proportion there definitely are some people who are leveraging the chili cookoff and the future

chili themed events that are scheduled and trying to sort of, you know, make it seem like they're part of that, you know, they're selling the brown and it's related to the event. You know, it's not very much different from bootleg merchandise outside of concerts or sporting events, but I don't think that's any more prominent than you'd see in any other big sort of event, you know? Oh, I got, sorry, just correct. Just sell correction. Like I said the brown, I misread it there. The street name is the, is brown sugar. It's, I'm sorry, that's a small correction. Yeah. That makes more sense. is there any concern after processing that, you know, things aren't as clean as we hope they'll be?

Nothing is ever going to be clean here again. Chemically, scientifically, yes, I think that we have the technology to clean everything. But if you were here experiencing what I'm experiencing, I think you'll never be able to look at any of these affected areas the same way. It's just really going to have a lasting impact. Yeah, you know what they say about that city. Just fuck it. Man, fuck it. I've been saying that a lot

The whole time I've been here. Various dude observation from the studio. Thank you. That's what we're here for. Hold on, I'm getting an urgent... Hold on. I'm getting a message. From our R&D department. Do you think that any of the police are in on it?

I don't have any actual evidence, but don't they usually, you know, take a little on the sign? have you taken one? Look, if my boots accidentally fill up with a little bit of overflow, I don't know who's going to be able to tell me that's anything but an accident. But no, I certainly, like I said at the beginning, I would never compromise my ethics, my journalistic integrity, or myself. And I'm not compromised.

I apologize for questioning. I apologize. Man, man, fuck it. I just, you know, that's on me. Are you ready to make a guess? You'll be asked more questions, Bob? Can you possibly guess? I can I keep asking.

I just don't know if you, I don't, you, you, your answers are starting to hint that maybe you know. Is there a record amount of sewage on Nantucket Island, which is overflowing their sewage system? You are so close. Let me give you one more clue. Oh, you got, you got a little stuff around your nose there, Bob. You got, you got some kind of, clean that off, you know. Is there a record amount of cocaine? Spilling out?

of a boat into the water supply. No, no, go back to what you were before. Everything you said before was correct. Record amount of cocaine in the sewage? Yes! In where? In Nantucket Island? Yes.

Wait, but what is the news? Wait, that's the story. The story is how much cocaine is in Nantucket's sewage a lot. There is a record amount of cocaine by a margin of about four to five times the national or regional average in Nantucket's wastewater. Okay, I feel a lot better about my... I was like, man, powder your nose was too on the... It was too much. Yeah, yeah, no.

That was, it was all very, very good. You got the sewage pretty much. It was just really hard to connect the sewage to the cocaine, so yeah. Does that mean it's getting flushed or you don't shit out, cocaine when you like use it, do you? I think they're trying to figure that out. They don't know why there's so much cocaine. That is the strange thing.

It's actually lower than the average for fentanyl, methamphetamine, and whatever xylazine is. Nicotine's about the average, but for some reason, cocaine spikes in Nantucket. You're right, Mark. That was a really weird one. That was a weird one. Yeah, I was like, okay, that's why you keep, okay, that makes sense. It's why you kept saying no to my cartel and police questions. It says, oh.

All right. Okay. Are we ready to swap? Oh, yeah, yeah. Bob, I'm sending you and, you know, you could, if you think. Oh, no. Wait. That doesn't vote well for me, does it?

Bob, I'll give you a chance to skim the article. Just to re-familiarize yourself. Is it weird? I found it a lot harder asking the questions than I did being on this side. It's tough. Both sides. Oh, I didn't score that one. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I think the questions were good. I believe that one was a tougher one, so it's hard for me to deduct anything from either. Bob, you definitely get three out of three for your guess because holy shit, that was great. I feel like my questions were bad, but I don't think that reflects poorly on you. Wait, I'm good. Oh, really? I thought mine were. I thought I was like, oh, man, how are your, well, I don't know, maybe. I don't know. I'll deduct a point if you want, if you think it's fair. No, no, no, no. I mean, let's not be crazy. I thought you had some good, like, diverting it towards cocaine. I thought that was pretty good. I did try to bring the drug up and then that was hard to do without being direct.

It's really hard to hint something hard without being too direct with it. All right, let's try this one. It's hard to think of a newscaster name that's not just stealing directly from Colin McRey. Everyone I was like, oh, what are some pun? Wait, he did that one. Ready? Cue the music. Elon Musk and the history of the Roman salute.

Good evening, everybody. My name is Smallest Dickus, and I'm here to bring you the nightly news. I'm joined by my co-host. Yes, I'm shares, what happened? And I'm here to tell you what happened. We have our ace reporter out in the field. Oh, wait, no. Oh, our ace reporter was out sick.

We have our backup reporter out in the field. I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with your name. Faye King. Hmm. All right, Faye. Mr. King? What do you prefer? All right, all right, Faye.

I'm going to call you Faye. What is you, Faye? just happened. It's been kind of crazy over here. Uh, one minute things were calm. Next minute, well, uh, Fay, uh, share here. Is that what smacked the hair off the top of your head or? Well, no, I've been bald for quite a while, but, uh, it could have. It definitely could have. Yeah, I was seeing the, the slow mo of when it was happening. I was watching it over and over again, just, you know, my jaw on the floor, but I barely noticed you. When it came by, it was right across your head. Uh, yeah, it got.

a lot closer than I think a lot of us would have liked. Now, I know this is your job to cover a lot of stuff like this. Uh, I think the audience was really riled up. There's a strong emotional reaction to what happened. Did you feel a similar emotional reaction? What did you get, uh, what sort of sense did you get? Yeah, yeah, how'd you feel about this? A bit of excitement, a bit of fear, uh, and a lot of confusion.

Yeah, but which way you lean in, you know, left, right? Oh, away. I'm leaning away. Good answer, good answer, good answer. Was it just the one time? As far as I know it was, but my heart was racing so much after that time that if it happened again,

I might have still been in the days. Heart racing because you were happy, heart racing because you were mad. I think you can tell. Oh yeah, no, we can tell. I think I know what you're thinking. I do have to ask, though, this really harkened back to something

that I just think about every day. Do you have any thoughts on the historical connections here? Well, now that you ask it that way, I'll have to think about it. But, you know, this does seem connected. It does. In what way? Historically. Fascinating.

You know, I am getting an update from our producer, actually, that academics are coming out and say that it's not as historically connected as other people might like to think. Are you hearing any discourse on that where you are? Are people disagreeing? Or is everyone pretty much on the same page? There's one thing that I know is a constant that people will never all agree. There's been a lot of discussion, argument and disagreement, but I think the true answer is obvious to those of us in the know. Well, I mean, all I can say is from corroborating reports, there was a lot of people that were jumping around like a dipshit after and before. But, you know, that doesn't pertain exactly to the events at hand, and that's all circumstantial.

I do have to ask. I know you're sort of pinning in where you are, maybe, there's a lot of activity. Would it be possible for you to roam around at all? I can try getting into it a little bit, but uh... Yeah, if you wouldn't mind roaming, I'd really appreciate that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can roam a little bit, but it is very tight. There's a lot going on around me.

Uh, the energy levels are high. Well, there's not much left to get smacked off, so, you know, got to be careful. I don't know if he'll talk directly to you. Could you ask him maybe if anything touched him, it caused him to behave that way? I can try. Uh, you guys think I've been any danger? Is it safe to approach to action? that kind of question.

I mean, it looks like it's winding down there, so. No, that's okay. You know what? I think you'll be able to find them on social media later anyway. A lot of this will play out on the site formerly known as Twitter. Yeah, I think that that makes a lot of sense. In other news, as we jump over to our next segment in musical news, the hit song, My Heart Will Go Ones, is reaching back up into the top 100.

Oh, man, what a resurgence. Oh, man. A blast for the pass, much like this. Oh, late 90s Had a lot of good hits My heart will go on Definitely among them Great song, yeah

I said mine out all the time Great Where did you like to guess? Do you know? I don't have a fucking clue I'm not gonna lie Oh, I thought you were getting it Oh, I thought you had it

I really thought you had it I know you haven't covered a lot of Political events Some might argue This is not exactly a political rally per se Do you have any sense of the, if the excitement here is partisan, if any from any particular party, or if it's sort of, you know, just pro-American.

Well, you know, based on the specific amounts of waving you have to get people's attention, based on the musical selection, I think it pretty much goes without saying which way this one leans. Yep, I hear you. Hey, hey. Sure, sure. Yep. Do you need a second for your eye?

Yeah, I've completely lost a contact lens in my eyelid. somewhere, so I can only see out of one eye, which makes it hard to know which way they're coming from. I know. All right, I'll give you another hint, hopefully he fixes up. Some people even wonder why he was there in the first place. I mean, he doesn't really have a role. Everything else is just, you know, kind of a, kind of a meme, you know what I mean? Kind of a meme in being there. It is, it is. And a lot of people have been kind of saying people like him should stay out of politics and leave it to the politicians. You know it's bad when citizens are saying, man, I wish we had more politicians and less of this guy.

Yes. And, you know, now that things have settled down and I've had a moment to catch my breath, I think it's all kind of come together and we're realizing that, well, we should let Mr. Musk lie for a while, right? Yes, we should. I'll call that there. But what's the headline? Well, before I give you the headline, let me tell you through the weird, amounts of thought I had.

First, I was like, ah, I've had some kind of air show. Something swooped low and took my hair. And I don't remember where I went after that. At one point, I was like, oh, it's Elmo from Twitter, the Elmo account. And then I'm not going to lie, 1996 Titanic threw me way the fuck off. Oh, Titanic. Oh, my heart will go on from Titanic. I didn't make...

Yeah, for some reason, I went to the movie Titanic. And I was like, oh, yeah, the big hit from Titanic. Where am I and what's going on? I don't know what the hell the article title is about. if I'm being honest. It's a strange title. Elon Musk snatches people's hair and attempt to make sure his children are genetically perfect.

That's a good title. There was only side long references like, you know, everywhere you roam, you know, you're roaming. Oh, there was a lot of roaming. Yeah, that's true. I don't know. I don't know what happened to Musk, and I'm not going to lie, the one eye is really fucking with me.

That's fine, that's fine. We'll wrap it up. It's Elon Musk and the history of the quote, Roman salute. All right. Go take it over your eye. I'll be right back. So I'm sorry. That's driving me nuts. I think I'm going to give everyone two out of three, but just because it was a tough one. We were dancing around it almost intentionally to the detriment, but also I feel like some clues that were pretty good didn't land.

So I think two or three for everybody. No, that's fair. In hindsight, a lot of it made sense. I think I picked up on the wrong parts of some of the clues you guys were given and I was like hanging on to them. I thought there was an airplane involved for the longest time with the swooping low thing. I well I realized what I should have done is I was like it almost went right over here I'd like I should have done that yeah that would have been a much better clue so that's my bad well I couldn't have seen you you're right you're right because we had you going down there you're right any kind of physical clue you guys gave me I wouldn't have been able to see I think I thought about the

minimizing because I was going to share the screen of the article but I realized soon that the editor can put that in but just for fairness we'll keep it down for for this one as well all right so This is a super weird one, kind of. So this might be really tough, but I also think it could be pretty funny. What am I reading? I know. Funny boy, Mark, how are we asking these questions? I don't know.

I'm excited, but how are we asking these questions? I think the benefit here is that we can be as direct as we want because it's such a strange one, so we don't have to dance around it too much. Yeah, I agree. Okay. All right. I'll do my best. I will do my best.

Bob, you got this. man. No worries. This is easy. It's so easy, man. All right. Here we go. Cue the music. Jesus was a psychedelic mushroom. A controversial theory suggests, could it reshape Christianity forever? Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm your host.

I'm a dripping bowls here to give you some breaking news, and I'm joined by my co-host. Herefo, Mope. Yes, and we are both here with breaking, breaking news, ground-breaking news that might shake up the entire foundation of the world as we know it. And the only person that we have is our ACE reporter who's out in the field joining us live. Yes, that's right. I'm here. Texts going on here in the field bringing you live coverage of this event. And I'm just happy to be back on the air after last time. Yeah, yeah. It was pretty disgraceful what happened last time. It was. It was. So this is obviously a huge, huge ordeal. Are there people that are in denial?

are they accepting what's going on out there? This news is big. Huge. I think people are struggling to come to grips with it. I don't think when it's all said and done that anyone's going to be able to deny what we all saw here today. Has it been hard keeping your balance

with everyone tripping around you? Oh, I have pretty good balance, but it has been tough. Grabbing on to the side of the news van kind of helped. Consider climbing up on top to get above everything, but that didn't feel necessary quite yet. Maybe that'll be my next move if I feel like I'm having trouble to keep my feet.

Do you think that this could all come down to a translation error? I mean, a couple thousand years. That's a long time. You know, words can get lost or mixed. You know, I've never really trusted Google Translate. I think you lose a lot when you go back and forth, back and forth, let alone if people are translating things like this. Who knows? It's probably just whatever the last person who translated it wanted it to be.

You know what I mean? So what do you think? you think a fun guy or not? Way more of a fun guy than you might think. You know, this would explain a lot. It was explained a whole lot. You know, I never bought the whole making more fish thing. That never jelled with me.

It would make a lot more sense if it was these circumstances that we're seeing. It's a tough story to believe. But I think if you really listen with your heart, you could just go along and sort of accept it, you know? Kind of ironic that people are being so cross with each other about this topic. It is, but, you know, that's the nature of the beast. You don't get to have a secret club with the gates and the guy garnet and all this stuff without a feeling a little exclusive. And, you know, for better or for worse, I think the people on the inside know that they have

one up on everyone else, right? They have the high ground, you could say. Well, I mean, I've heard this before. Not that I've partaken myself. I have many times. I've done what's called a heroic dose, and let me tell you, it felt like I died and came back. It does feel like that. That makes sense.

You know, we talked about last time I was on air, I do want to say that might have something to do with this. It was a harrowing event, and I regret what I said, but I don't regret the experience. So have people been shittalking him, or have they been nice about it? Some shat-talking, some chantarelling. It's kind of all over the place. Some people probably want to participate. got a little psyched out. Definitely, definitely.

And I think that is happening now. It's echoing into the future here where people's belief systems are being upended. You know, some people take this quite personally. Are you seeing, you know, some maybe some instigations of going a little too deep? Oh, definitely. Definitely. If there's ever been a place where I felt like the Reddit comment section flooded with,

it's not that deep, bro. It would be here. People are going all in. whatever they had stashed away, they are burning through it all right now, just trying to take advantage of the moment and comprehend what's happening, you know? We'd heard blood, flesh, but I'm not sure what the most recent term is for consumption. Tears, actually. Sort of doesn't make sense, but it's thematic if you think the way that I'm thinking right now.

And maybe if you should talk of yourself a little bit. And if you think about it, if you tie this in and look at it from this perspective, it all kind of makes sense, you know, eat the body, a drink of the blood. It all ties in with this prevailing theory, doesn't it? It does. You know, I've been thinking to this myself for a while. Just so happened to be a side to cover this as a news story, but it really does make sense. You know, if you look at the numbers, you know, a pie, you know, a perfect circle, there's a way you can see it where it all makes sense. Do you think future artwork will portray him with a cap? And a huge dick.

I mean, we all know this to be true. We all know this to be true. I mean, the similarities between the two, it's just undeniable. It just, it looks like that. That's not my question. Do you think, though, this will lead to more believers, or will it be less believers? It's definitely going to lead to more believers. Whether they're right or wrong, you know, it's not for me to judge.

He's going to take care of that. But no chance this leads. anything but more believers. No concern about a fear of more cult-like behaviors. You know what I always say about cults. It's nothing to be afraid of as long as you're on the inside. Right, you are, right you are.

Do you have any idea where you are? Is someone high on shrooms claiming to be Jesus? That is shockingly close. That's pretty close. If you had to take that more literally. Is mushroom Jesus getting people high with his psychedelic flesh?

I'd say that is so close. I'm going to give it to you there. I'd give that one. This title is, Jesus was a psychedelic mushroom. A controversial theory suggests, could it reshape Christianity forever? I am very impressed.

Both of you did a great job on that. So honestly, I'll give you both full marks. And what that means is that you both got the exact same points throughout the whole thing. All right. Perfect. So we're going to wrap it up there. That was well done, guys. Very funny.

Really, really clever, clever boys. But the points are the dictator of who is the true winner. Bob, you got a point for ocean of hair and then musical release. And then you got three out of three, three out of three, two out of three, three out of three, which puts you at a whopping 13 points. Wait, you got the segment. way point, you got things get tough and then rough night's sleep

and then you got three out of three out of three three out of three three with puts you at 14 points going into the bonus round you have one up on Bob All right Well I guess we should spin the wheel And I'm sure that chance

will fall in my favor this time Of course it will He says winningly Also do you have your submission for the wheel Mark? Oh and We haven't actually had a three in a bit.

Let's see. What could we do? Offended the most people in the audience. Sure, sure. I think that's going to be tough to judge on this one, but I still love how the wheel is getting increasingly out of frame on this. I don't think this app is meant to go this far. Perfectly round and fine. All right.

Three spins. Here we go. Spin number one. Shortest. If it's between competitors, it's me. It's Wade. Wade is half an inch shorter. That gives him the plus one shortest point.

That's a rather inauspicious start for me, but I'll take it. Spin number two. Still could be yours. Most distracted. You both were pretty locked in. I mean, I was very locked in. I would say the only thing I, my contact lens. Yeah, distraction is Wade had the contact thing.

That is a good point. That was literally distracting him. That's a contact point. 4 distracted. All right. Just got to avoid golf rules and sudden death. That's going to be tough to come back from. Tell you that.

And host wins. I think there's three options here that could screw me. That's it. Well, we've never had that happen before. No, what are the odds of some chaos right at the end of a fitting victory? Also, sudden death could happen. And it's half a point for Wade. All right, sweeping.

With a crushing victory 16 and a half to 13, Wade takes the crown Wade, congratulations. Would you like to give your winner's speech? Whose heart does your heart go out to? Oh, my heart goes out to you, Mark. Thank you for hosting such a beautiful episode and definitely not having me have a green screen up

to do some questionable things that can be used against me later. Very excited. Editors, be nice to me. And Bob, Bob. You know what? It feels good to make the podium either way. I'm not going home with the gold today, but it's hard to complain too much.

When you said that today's episode was a bit that Wade basically does by choice because he likes it and generally kills us when he does the bit, I was like, well, guess I'll just participate. But I honestly had a fun time and it was pretty fun. I expected to lose, so I guess my expectations were accurate. Can't be disappointed if you set yourself up for failure. That's great. That's what I'm saying.

So I'm teaching James. Thank you at home, everybody. so much. You can go and check out our merch at store. Distractable. No, sorry. I did it wrong. Distractable. Dachia! I know what I'm doing. The Valentine's merch obviously

is coming to a close and most of it is sold out. The next drop will be coming soon, which will have some generic designs, maybe even bringing back some things that people missed out on before. And we will see everyone. There. This has been Myskirm, Bob, Lord and Minion 777,

Minion 777, Wade, Marka, Marka, me and you have been the viewer and or listener and listeners look no you can't listeners listeners listen we still love you listeners look look damn you look at me coward have a lovely day follow the podcast for more fun stuff here podcast out watch new episodes on spotify