Distractible - Oh Sh*t Moments

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

The guys discuss their bathroom close calls. Expired meat and hospital visits included. Underwear left behind... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production with your hosts, Wired Wade, Bombastic Bob, and Macabre Mark. This week, the tantalizing trichotomic troupe confer concerning events, actions, and experiences that fill the pants and induce white-knuckled weariness. Yes, it's oh shit moments. Please prepare fresh underwear and enjoy the show. I'm not a good host. Am I allowed to admit that up front? I feel like I'm the worst host of the three of us. And I know we give you a lot of shit, Wade, because you're always like, hello and welcome to Distractible. You have that like, Kate. I still think that's preferable to me not understanding how to set anything up

or start an episode or give you guys introductions or anything. Man, this is a self-deprecating episode, I guess. I know there's a competition between the hosts overall, too. It's like a sub-competition I keep in my own mind. And I'm losing, which I don't like. Get good. It's okay.

Get good in me. Yeah. You could just act like you want to lose the hosting position after you get it, like Wade does. It's kind of Wade's bit, isn't it? Every episode, Wade's just like, take my points. No, I want to win. The world stole my hair. You can steal my format.

It's fine. Did the world steal your hair? Is that really how it works? It did. I just got a text from Molly saying some teen's trying to get her Snapchat. So teens are trying to steal my wife. The world stole my hair. You're stealing my format.

The house is stealing my water. It's whatever. Oh, she just needs more mud. Yeah. Wait, my wife or the house? All right, man. Look, anyway, listen. If you're here, I'm sure you you know but this is distractible we talk

about literally anything usually it's utter nonsense but there's like a competition right i'm the host which means i'm the judge and i will give points or maybe i won't because sometimes we forget to give points and we just pick a winner but at the end somebody wins and they get the honor of hosting the next episode doesn't really matter but that's the pretext that brought us all together and traditionally we start this with like you know small talk or something so how's how's everyone's dogs oh they're good we all have dogs right yeah ginger keeps shitting in the house oh bad dog the house is trying to steal her shit oh god it is the carpet it's eating it it's your carpet growing it's getting stronger it's getting replaced whenever i'm actually able to save up some money from all this stupid what have we have we talked

much since i had to replace five toilets wait what when did you have to replace five toilets that's like all the toilets at your house yeah for some reason in in ohio some of these houses are built they're like three bedrooms but they're like you know what you need five bathrooms and everyone's like oh man five bathrooms no you don't you don't want you at five bathrooms everyone in ohio only eats junk food so they just constantly have the runs right so you need toilets close by in case you got a diarrhea i guess so i don't know why there are so many bathrooms but let me tell you all that it means is literally more shit to clean so much it's so bizarre in my entire life and i have owned a

house i have lived in apartments i have never had a toilet break on me i've never seen a toilet like just in my own home at least just yeah i've never seen a toilet shut down three of the five have broken and i was so mad i was so fed up because we had water damage in the same ceiling that mormon guy was. I was just like, you know what? I'm done. I don't care what it costs. I called.

I was like, bring me five toilets. Install them. Do my bidding today. Like, oh, we can do it tomorrow. I was like, fine. Tomorrow. I literally replaced every toilet in the house because I was just like, I'm so fed up. I'm tired of like every six months

finding more water damage they're like we replaced the spickity spookity inside the back of the back of the you won't have any more drips it's like oh well fuck right off because i will that plumber who talks like that is definitely a key component of your problem i think if you paid a guy to come into your house and he was all oh just spickity spookity at the back that's a red flag way that's a bad start okay yeah that's no good yeah how did we get on this angry topic i asked about your dog i don't know man okay i'm good bob the dogs are great goddamn like it's my fault dogs are great yeah my dogs are good they're coming to set every day they're getting lots of love your dogs are adorable yes thank you i don't know how my dog is because i abandoned my child i abandoned my boy man like on a doorstep well i'm in i'm in austin texas right now for a

quasi extended stay doing a thing you know just some dumb shit or whatever i don't know but uh i like austin uh yeah it's a good town except that it's a million degrees and a million percent humidity everywhere i do like not abandoning my dog more though yeah i haven't seen lexi in like two weeks i think she's good i think mandy's been sending pictures she seems alive okay fine oh that's good minimum requirements you know no vid you know what now that I think of it, no videos. Mm, weird. She might be weekend at Bernie-ing me. Mm. I'm a little concerned.

Yeah, now I am too, and I wasn't before this episode. The vibe of this episode is really strange. Well, it's really good. It's pretty shit. It's- oh, you don't even know how shit it is, Wade. You don't even know, because that's enough small talk. It's time for the real meat and potatoes. And you know what?

This week, I started off with some self-deprecation, admitting that I think I'm a subpar host at best. I have my weaknesses. You know what I'm not bad at? What I'm actually really good at is beating your asses at winning these podcast episodes. I'm too good at this shit. I'm sick of it. You guys need to bring your game, okay?

You guys need to turn it up a little bit. This week, I don't have a topic. I'm issuing a challenge i guess if i had to if i had to give you a prompt it would be oh shit moments but i'm gonna start it by telling my own story because it's a story i'm really really proud of and i am excited for the world to know that this happened to me also i kind of hope that one specific person hears this and is like that fucking guy i knew i'd find you i've never felt more attacked in any episode of distractible i have no idea hey man i'm trying to i'm trying to mix it up trying to help you guys you know no i appreciate it i think i do anyway

continue oh glorious judge yeah well so i think it's pretty undeniable that I'm the greatest. And just to clear it up, I know we've talked about this before. My fridge is fine. Please stop asking. Yeah, I know. That was very funny how mad I was. It's fine. That's a long time ago now. I don't even remember. I'm glad you cleared that up. But how's your fridge? Don't. Listen, today's story starts at a very different fridge in a very different city at a very different time. When I was a sophomore in college, I lived with some roommates in an apartment and I lived very cheaply.

I did not have a lot of money for food. I tried to buy cheap stuff. I would buy meat that was almost expired because it was discounted. I was broke, but I was cheap. I was trying to live on the cheap. And my favorite thing to do was to get ground beef that was like just about to expire, because they mark that shit down. They basically give it away. And ground beef could be anything. You make chili, you can make burgers, you make all kinds of good stuff. One of my favorites was

to make like a like a bolognese, right? Get some ground beef, just sort of brown it up, put some tomato sauce in, cook some pasta, boom, delicious dinner. I really like to push the dates, those expiration dates. And when I was younger, I didn't understand the idea that stuff could spoil even if it was frozen. So what I would, a lot of the times I'd get the almost, you know, almost out of date ground meat and I would freeze it. I'd be like, good, perfect. Frozen in time. I still have exactly, you know, I have two days left before it expires. And, uh, just one time I did that and I like forgot about it. You know, sometimes you just find stuff like way in the back underneath. I found this pack of ground meat and I could not remember when it was from. It was all freezer burned,

real messed up. And I was like, sweet, it's frozen. Can't possibly have gone bad. I got a big road trip tomorrow. So I need a good dinner tonight and they'll wake up bright and early and I'll drive over, see my buddies in Indiana at Purdue University. And so I made myself some delicious spaghetti bolognese with this ground meat. And as I was cooking it, I had a little bit of a thought where I was like, hmm, smells different. It doesn't smell bad, but it smells different. That's weird. But that's not going to stop me from enjoying my cheap dinner.

And then I was eating it, and I was like, hmm, tastes different. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, bud. I don't like where this is going. But I ate the whole thing because I needed some delicious, hearty dinner for my big road trip in the morning. It's fine. Ate it up, played some video games, whatever, went to bed,

and woke up the next morning bright and early at like, I don't know, 10 o'clock, whatever was early for me when I was in college, and hopped in my car and started on my way. It was like a few-hour from cincinnati over to where my buddies were at school and i started you know had some tunes on in the car whatever cruising on the highway and if you've ever driven from cincinnati like through indianapolis up to where is purdue what is that city called west lafayette is that a thing yeah yeah that's it that's it yeah if you've ever done that drive there's fucking nothing in indiana like there's huge stretches where it's cornfields and nothing no gas stations no bush

nothing like flat fields and a road that is a lot of the midwest though like even ohio aren't in one of the major cities is mostly just flat cornfields that's true there's a lot of that i've driven from cincinnati to iowa a few times a lot of that. I've driven from Cincinnati to Iowa a few times. A lot of that drive is kind of like that. There's nothing going on, which is kind of nice. Not a huge deal. Unless when you're right in the middle of one of the most desolate stretches of the drive, you start to get a little flippity-floppity action going on in your lower stomach regions. going on in your lower stomach regions.

I don't know if you guys have ever had body-shakingly violent diarrhea, but have you ever experienced the start of that? Yeah, I'm sure we all have. You know, you're just sitting there, and something inside of you is just kind of like... And you just start to get that feeling, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I was trying to listen to my body i was trying to let it tell me what it needed and be a responsible caretaker but there was nothing i swear to god there weren't even exit ramps it was a straight highway for hundreds of miles that you could not get off of for any reason i couldn't find a gas station and

i'm sitting here time is, half an hour passes, the flip-flops in my stomach are getting more aggressive. It's feeling like it's wanting to go somewhere, right? It wants out. And I just can't find a gas station or anything. Rest stop, nothing. Beads of sweat start forming on my forehead. I'm by myself in the car, but I'm out loud.

I'm just like, ah come on like talking pepping myself up try to hold it in it's getting bad it's getting desperate I considered pulling off and just running into the ditch on the side of the highway just seeing what happened because I don't want to get it inside my car or inside my pants that That would be embarrassing. Yeah. That would be terrible if that happened. And it just keeps getting worse. I finally get to an exit that looks like it's maybe near a town. It doesn't have a sign or anything indicating that there's a gas station or a bathroom. But I'm like, I just, I gotta get off here and drive towards a place where there's a toilet.

Even if it's just like a house, I will knock on the door and tell them, urgently, the shit is either going on your doorstep or in your toilet. Even if it's just like a house, I will knock on the door and tell them urgently, the shit is either going on your doorstep or in your toilet. Please choose. It's terrible. It's painful. I'm driving the car like squirming, like going, like I feel like I'm about to have an alien burst out.

Finally, after I would say about an hour of not finding any place where I could stop, I pull off, I go, there's a little small town not far from the highway, and they have a gas station. And I'm like, yes. Fuck, yes. Made it.

And it's one of those, I don't know if you guys have ever had this experience, where, and I didn't realize this until I was already inside, the gas station's like around back. It's like an exterior door to the building, you know? And they have like a key. You have to get the key from the guy at the gas station and then go. So it's the least convenient type of bathroom. So I go in and I'm frantically in this store, in this gas station, just like, where is it?

Where is it? Where is it? I don't see one. I go up to the guy and I'm like, do you have a bathroom? And he must think I'm out of my mind on drugs or something. I don't know what he thinks. Cause I'm drenched in sweat, panicked, clenching. Just, I don't look good.

I imagine. And he's like, yeah, we got a bath. You need the key. Here's the key. You okay? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine. Just give me the key. Take the key, scramble out around to the back.

And this is where stuff really goes downhill. I'm fumbling with the key. This is where? It's been a great story so far. Happiness and joy. Everything is contained up to this point. But at this moment, I'm approaching the toilet. I'm almost there.

The pain in my stomach is just really intense. I get the door open. I get it closed behind myself. And I start frantically grasping at my belt and everything. And there's an almost beautiful almost enjoyable moment of release that happens right then my pants are still fully on and I'm trying to undo everything and get get onto the bath the toilet and it feels just it feels joyous right because finally, the pain is subsiding. Finally, I get to do what I've been wanting to do for an hour.

And it's relief. Until I realize that I'm standing in front of the door across the room from where the toilet is with my pants on. And it's bad. The relief quickly turns into absolute horror. the relief quickly turns into absolute horror and a realization that there's not enough one ply gas station bathroom toilet paper in the entire universe to fix the problem that i have now created for myself turns out i was not the one who had the worst the worst part of the problem i told you i had the kind of spoiled meat I'd never had frozen meat that really spoiled on me before. This was the worst, probably the worst case of food poisoning I've ever had. I gave it to myself. Thank God I didn't share that food with anyone. But I, that, I don't want to get this podcast like banned from, I don't know, platforms. What happened to that bathroom

has got to be the most unholy shit that i have ever been a part of i don't even want to describe it but like i had to give the key back to that guy like he's the only one working right it's a small town guest i had to walk up to that dude after having been in the bathroom for 45 minutes because there was cleaning that was attempted. I had to get myself situated so I could be in public. I left my underwear. They were gone. I never saw those boxers again.

They were sacrificed. And I had to walk up to that dude after being in the bathroom. And he knew I was in the bathroom because he gave me the key and I'm sure he was sitting there just like man I hope that dude's not doing some crazy shit in our bathroom I hope he's not doing like drugs or something terrible god and I just walked up to him on the way out and literally looked him in the eye and gave him the key and just sort of nodded couldn't bring myself to say anything and fucking drove off wow i would love to know that reaction that that guy had i can't imagine i also don't imagine it might have been the worst thing he ever encountered judging by wade's experience at udf but i don't know man

it was everywhere a demon was purged for me that day so i don't want to be too graphic i gross myself out but like it wasn't one movement right it wasn't one bowel movement so like the first accidental uncontrollable release with my pants on was really unfortunate and was gross but there were subsequent moves where i was like okay if i move very carefully i don't have any leakage or seepage and i get to the toilet and then it didn't there's the outside of the toilet the floor the wall behind the toilet what then i had to i was trying to clean myself and things right so i used the sink and just man we had this conversation before and it was the situation where we were like how how we wade and i were like how how could this happen and you had the answer the whole time

that's how there's there's no way that every other person who's done this to a bathroom gave themselves food poisoning and had the most violent diarrhea they've ever experienced in their entire life. You don't know that. You don't know that. I don't believe it. That was a singular experience. No, no, no. It cannot be.

Food poisoning is too common. I, in Canada, gave myself food poisoning because I cooked meatloaf and it was fine when I cooked it, but I left the meatloaf in the fridge for 10 days. And 10 days later, I came back uncovered, by the way. I did not have any Tupperware at this place I was staying at. And I came back to it, and there were weird white spots on it.

But I said, hey, if I microwave it enough... What? If I microwave it enough... What? I said, if I microwave it enough, maybe it'll probably be okay. But apparently that's not how the toxins that become present in food after it spoils works. You can't cook them away from having existed in the first place. This meat is green, but if I grill it till it's charcoal black, I know it'll be edible.

Yeah, and thankfully my body purged that shit before it got through me. And in that night, I threw up so violently that i burst blood vessels in my face like i came in i was shooting you know the edge of sleep and when i came the makeup person looked at me the next day and was like what happened to you i said i don't know please cover it up or something like all around my eyes there were just red splotches and like a one blood vessel in my eye was like kind of like kind of burst but it was thankfully okay up there but just like you are not the only person that has ever had this curse befall you but you were at home but and you weren't you weren't you weren't trapped in a car on a highway in the middle of an empty state but if

my body had processed it enough i would have been on set and had to like in the middle of the take go and then run off set into the nearest bathroom and and we were we were at a location that was not what we were actually shooting at we were trying to make like this airport into a hospital and i would have had to sprint through security and like go for the nearest bathroom. Like it would not have been okay. I don't know, man. This for me, this is like etched into my memory. Like this was over a decade ago and I go to the bathroom every day and I've had some, I've had some doozies. I've had some stomach troubles. I've eaten some stuff that didn't sit right. I've had all kinds of experiences on the toilet and with myself.

This is not even in the same ballpark as any other stomach issue, bathroom issue, diarrhea issue I've ever had in my life. It was like I gave birth to the nastiest, juiciest baby that's ever existed. I don't know, man. There's no way there's people just walking around and going to jimmy john's and like whoop insane food poisoning have you never been the guy that walks into the bathroom and like you think you're the only person in there you're like standing at the urinal or something and then like from behind you realize there's one closed stall as you hear like a and it's just like the sound of war in that stall i've been both of those guys yeah yeah it's not that that uncommon though and i don't know about the ladies room but the men's room it always looks like that guy has been in there and destroyed the bathroom i don't know maybe i'm underselling it

it was i i could not stop my body from expelling that stuff i've never experienced that before i'm an adult and and'm like I've been in situations where I couldn't go to the bathroom for hours and I just sit there and you're just like well it's kind of this hurts my stomach really hurts but I'll be fine I'll make it to the bed that was like I was battling a demon and I lost and it killed me and then it put me back together after it scooped out everything within me and placed it on the walls. I walked out of that quick stop bathroom a husk of a human.

So dehydrated that I nearly deflated. I don't know, man. I lost 30 pounds in the 15 minutes I was in there. I call it my stank meat diet. You want to cut weight? You need to lose 30 pounds by tomorrow. Just get some spoiled meat and go nuts with it, man. God, that reminds me of the sugar-free gummy bears that you can buy off of Amazon. Do you guys know about that?

No. Oh, wait, you don't know that? Okay, forget I said anything. You should get a whole bag and just eat them all and see what happens. Yeah, they come in five-pound bags just to have at it oh no they're currently unavailable we don't know when or if this item will be back in stock i don't think i want to eat these after you guys have encouraging it what happened no it'll be fun you got all these new toilets you got to break them in here let me read this and because this is just how your experience bob cannot be

like singular because i will read the top review right now on this thing and there are let me count them 1 359 reviews all of the same story and i quote from amazon customer i purchased these gummy bears thinking sounds like a nice purchase Five pounds of delicious candy for a decent price can't go wrong. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way. It can go very wrong. Within 15 minutes of consuming these high-powered laxatives, my stomach was making noises that I should have seen as a message from God warning me, you should turn back around and go home.

I excused the funny feeling in my stomach as I was on a mission to replace a Keurig machine that broke from Walmart. Yes, I said it, Walmart. As I parked my car, I felt my stomach growing more agitated by the minute, making gurgling noises that struck me as unusual, but I proceeded into the store as I really wanted a new coffee machine. Dot, dot, dot, all caps, GOD HELP ME! As my situation had just gone from a- on a 1 to 10 scale, beginning with a 3, to an instant 12. I said- I said out loud, Fuck the Keurig! And I ditched my cart and went running all the way to the opposite end of the store to the bathroom, while what sounded and felt like I had firecrackers exploding in my underwear.

People were pointing at me while their kids were laughing, and I finally made it to the bathroom to find one stall available, the handicapped stall. I was simultaneously crying and pulling my pants down. I jumped on the seat, not realizing it was literally covered in urine as I began opening the floodgates. Realizing the evil that moments prior had begun rearranging my insides, I realized after the fact that there was no seat paper and I began holding on for dear life while begging God to kill me, sounding off gunshots out of my ass that most likely had people running out of the store. End quote.

So, Bob, I would love for you to have had a singular experience but there is no way that both resonates with me and sounds very familiar i mean have i told the story about the apple juice the apple what so a friend and i used to go play basketball like every day year around at this neighborhood basketball court and i always had this big water bottle and obviously always usually full of water but I forgot to bring my water bottle and we were up there playing basketball for several hours and We walked back to my mom's house afterward and I went to open the fridge To get like this pitcher of water to pour into a glass and there next to the pitcher of water Were two containers of apple juice like

two of the big i don't know if they're gallons or half how much it is but you know so i looked at it and i was like oh i'm really thirsty i should get water but this apple juice looks really good and i poured a glass drained it i wanted some more i poured another glass drained it i don't know that i went through both containers of apple juice but I went through at least one and maybe two containers of apple juice I can't remember at this point goddamn and I had plans to go stay at a friend's house that night So this is probably like I don't know 4 or 5 p.m I go over to a friend's and he pulls out his old PlayStation 1 We get the original Diablo out and we start playing and

we're listening to like the creepy eerie music and like the swinging and the dude's stupid lines and all of a sudden my stomach so loud that we could no longer hear the tv and i was like oh i didn't feel very good and he's like you all right he's like yeah i don't know i don't know what that was keep playing he turns on like some music or whatever in the background my stomach and all of a sudden it just doesn't stop like for an hour it just makes all this noise i don't have to go to the bathroom or anything i just am sitting there unable to hear the tv or the music or even my friend over the noises my stomach is making. And I was a little bit worried. I was like, oh God, this can't possibly end well. But nothing came of it.

We went to go lay down, go to sleep. The moment I laid completely flat, my body let me know that I was not going to be okay. And my friend went to sleep. I spent most of the night on his toilet. And I don't want to go into detail, but I also didn't leave their bathroom looking very pretty uh-huh so moral of the story do not substitute water with apple juice

if you're going to drink a metric shit ton yeah why would apple juice make your stomach so upset i mean it's sugary but like i just googled and there's lots of reports where way too much apple juice or drinks that are high in sugar can cause intense diarrhea just because it's just like the pure liquid but also sugar. It messes with your entire system and just expels it out. It's very strange. I also just looked up why the sugar-free gummy bears were so bad. And it all comes down to this sweetener in it called lycocin. It's the sugar alcohols, right? It's not a sugar alcohol. Is it a sugar alcohol? It's a hydrogenated glucose syrup. One of the major components of lycocin is maltitol, which

is a sugar alcohol, but lycosol is a hydrogenated version of that, believe and it's like any candy with this particular sugar is just a laxative like that's what it is and they discovered that like this chemical serves as an excellent laxative after all of these anecdotal things because it tastes nice and it makes your whole body explode oh they taste delicious they taste like regular old gummy bears, but they're sugar-free. It's amazing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh my god. Intestinal distress.

Trumpets calling the demons back to hell. Guttural pronouncements so loud it threatened to drown out my own voice. 100% liquid, flammable liquid. Napalm. I bought one order for Westboro Baptist Church as a donation because we all know how much God hates irregularity. Heh. 40 grams of Lycosine increases frequency of bowel movements.

In a five-pound bag, there's 2,200 grams. Oh, no, man. Oh,200 grams. Oh, no, man. Oh, my God. There's something to be said about your stomach making noises that are louder than what your vocal cords can produce. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah, no, that's no joke.

But I actually will say I have never shit in my pants. No. I've had some close calls. I'm talking, like, full on. Okay. Like, full on shit in my pants. No. I've had some close calls. I'm talking like full on. Okay. Like full on shit in my pants. I've never done it. Have you ever like, like you were running for the toilet and you like pooped on the seat or something? Like you missed because you were so frantically. No.

No. I just, everyone shits their pants, right? That's totally normal, right? I have not. Well, you just said you were a singular experience, but in my lifetime like i've never full-on shit my pants i have not either i don't think i'm not it's not that i'm proud to say that i'm sure at some point in my life i will definitely poop my pants but to this day i have not yet i have not either i will say one of the worst experiences i had was relatively recent i uh got some buffalo sauce from a place that I hadn't really gotten buffalo sauce from before. Really good, but it was really, really, really spicy. And something about the way they did their sauce, I don't know if it made it indigestible, if I just had too much of it.

But I will tell you on the way out, it felt like I was pouring hot sauce directly on my rectum. That's not good. That's never good it burned so badly and there was nothing i could do but sit there and cling on to the countertop and cling on to the shower door and just pray that the flames would burn out i man there's this one dude on youtube called the fire breathing idiot and i used to watch him a lot just because he just stepped up his craziness higher and higher and the amount of spice that he would do it got to the point he was like drinking pure capsaicin just drops of it just pure capsaicin there's no scoville rating for it it's just capsaicin and um he he would talk always about how he had like toilet paper in the freezer oh my ready to go and i'm like how do you live like this

why is this your life like i get it anything for views but oh it cannot be worth it like it can't be worth it also is this episode like about pooping our pants or is it just i mean it wasn't specifically supposed to be about that it was a challenge right like i i was just hoping you guys would would one up i didn't poop my pants but i think what's really happened is that you've all told me that I'm not special and I'm just a guy who pooped his pants.

No, we're all in this together is what we're trying to say. Oh, okay. Yeah, and I don't think we can one up you either. I think you're not necessarily special, but I don't know that I've ever had

a shitting experience as intense as yours was. No, definitely not. Oh, there's gotta be. Don't give up. There's gotta be embarrassing stuff or shocking things. I believe in you guys. You can do it.

I have an oh shit moment that doesn't relate to anything to do. It tangentially relates to my intestines in one way. That's fair. I can keep it on theme. Yeah. Yeah. So I had woken up in the middle of the night let's say and i had intense pain and i was like oh man maybe i gotta go to the bathroom or something

and i was like oh no no that ain't it and i sat in the toilet for a while and just like pain pain and it got so bad that i had to crawl back to bed oh like on the floor literally like i couldn't stand up and at this point i still had not considered the idea that I might need to go to the hospital for some reason just in my mind that wasn't a thing so I'm just like oh man this sucks this really sucks and I crawl back into bed and uh this was uh many years ago now and my girlfriend at the time uh noticed that I was in pain and was like what's wrong and I'm like man only the most intense pain i've ever had in my gut and she freaks out and i i'm like yeah yeah no it's real bad been going on for hours and he's like what and so uh we go to the hospital and they do a scan of my abdomen and they come back and they

give me you know some drugs for the pain afterwards to make sure i wasn't faking it. They wanted to see. And they're going like, oh, yeah, no, your your appendix is about to burst. It needs to be removed immediately, like within now. And so they they gave me drugs and they were prepping me for surgery. And then the doctor, as a side note, said, also, by the way, you have a tumor, but don't worry about that right now. And it was exactly you know the jojo mean of like the to be continued where it's like literally like looking at this doctor like okay and like it's as they're giving me the drugs for surgery to put me out so i'm just like and they leave the room and it's just like they'll come back to take me away but i should be like i don't even know if they said you don't even know if you'll remember

it by then i just remember like looking over to my girlfriend at the time like what happened and then i passed out and that was it so that was my that was my like oh shit moment like going into surgery there well one you would be so casual about a pain so bad that you're crawling around on the floor a normal person in that situation goes to the bathroom it keeps getting worse they're like oh i can't i can't stand up oh god and they're like your girlfriend help me mark is just like oh i can't stand up oh i'll just crawl back i'll just i'll just go like i just i could like hear your voice you're like i'll just crawl back in the bed like you you're get back in the shot of the bed over a sleeping girlfriend mark's hand

like a little zombie hand just like i can absolutely see you doing that yeah i'm fucking idiot i mean honestly you're not wrong that's exactly what happened and the only reason my girlfriend woke up at the time is because the bed was pushed against the wall and i usually sleep on the side that's like against the wall so i had to like crawl over to get to my side again because like i couldn't do my normal like hop in from the the foot of the bed or anything like that. So I had to, like, ah, ah, ah. I'm sure she saw, like, a cryptid walking in the bed, just like, ah, ah, ah. But, you know.

You know, Mark, pain is usually a sign from your body that something's bad. No, no. Something. No, no. Yeah, you're fine. I mean, you survived this long. How bad could it be, I guess? Now I look at pains more seriously.

So I learned my lesson. Most people in other situations might not have learned my lesson and my appendix would have exploded and then I might be dead. But who knows? There is that period of life where we feel like we're invincible and it's like, oh, something hurts. I'm sure it's fine. And like, you just kind of shrug it off.

There is like, I don't know. I worry a little bit more now than i used to for sure but there was definitely a time where like i was like i'm not gonna go through that the only thing i'm truly afraid of experiencing is a kidney stone i don't want to go through that that sounds so bad i don't know how people do that that sounds i don't either i don't want rocks in my pp yeah no no rocks in the pp no rocks in the pp no no no no no no no no no no did you guys ever watch uh was it deadwood was it deadwood it was deadwood the show deadwood yeah you guys ever see deadwood no so in deadwood i forget if it's like season one or season two but one of the big plot points is the saloon owner played by that awesome actor that i love unless

he's a terrible person and i don't know i haven't looked into it and i'm always why do i feel like i need to make that caveat about anybody these days just qualify keep qualifying come on you know that actor who is a really good actor he was in like john wick or something but you know i don't know his backstory what's the internet ian mcshane ian mcshane he's a great actor unless he's terrible oh i love that guy maybe i'm aware of his acting skills and nothing else about his personal life i'm sure he's a wonderful person i also don't want to paint him as a villain i don't know anything about him anyway aside uh one of the main plot points was he got a kidney stone and then for like three episodes he's in bed just like i want to die i want to die i want to die and then the

last moment of it spoilers everybody like he up as, like there's a pastor there that's like, please, I'm begging you, God, save this man. And this Ian McShane rises from the bed like, it's time! He stands over a chamber pot, like as he's birthing this kidney stone baby and it just like plinks into the chamber pot with this echoing clink, and then also blood and it's just oh god it's a

terrible this entire show is like about him passing a kidney stone yes that would not have been my guess yes it is and it is it may not have been three episodes it might have just been one episode but man it felt like so many episodes like this poor guy is that why it's called dead wood because afterward his penis was broken probably how could it have survived i just imagine like as the stone passes it's like firing out of a wooden gun and like just the tip explodes and horrific awful pain yeah it'll like cut to his face and it cut to his legs over the chain product and just this cannonball just like fell out oh we go back to shit yeah this has not been a pleasant episode

for listeners at home i bet a big thank you to our sponsors today no but so seriously though what the fuck was that doctor thinking? I mean, I guess they have an obligation to tell you. But like, if I'm that doctor and I'm like, OK, I got to put this dude under sedation right now. He needs an appendectomy or he's going to it's going to explode. That's a serious problem. And he's like, it'll be fine. We're just going to just going to yoink your appendix out.

As long as we get there fast enough, you won't die. You'll be fine. Also, you have a huge tumor. All right. See you later. Like, that can't be the best way to do that. Yeah, I have no idea. Because, like, I'm just imagining they put you under,

and you went into, like, you know, like, anesthesia fever dreams of, like, the tumor. It's like the Indiana Jones scene, but it's a tumor rolling down a thing, and you're just like, I'll put it back. I don't even want the idol, or whatever. Yeah, God, I don't even want the idol or whatever yeah god i don't even like at that point like they didn't know what type of tumor it was so it could have been like a teratoma or anything like that and and literally i'm not exaggerating that was the story it was your appendix is about to burst we need to get you in surgery immediately also you have a tumor but don't worry about that right now that is the quote i remember it so

vividly because it was burned into my brain sure don't worry about that right now i'm like how could i worry about something like that get me in surgery now you have a broken toe we're gonna get you a cast you're also dying we'll talk about that one later you got a hangnail real bad your lungs exploded don't worry about that we need to get you into our dreams we gotta pull a tooth also your heart exploded as they're like giving you the the nitro you start to go under you're like but you're a dentist congratulations it's a baby boy. Also, your family's dead. We'll talk about that one later.

I don't know, man. I feel like there was a better way to go about that. Yeah, yeah. I mean, clearly everything worked out for the best. God, I love the fucking good news, bad news angle. This is my favorite joke set up now. Actually, no. It's bad news, worse news. It's a baby boy.

A baby boy? I'll say your heart exploded. See? Bad news, worse news. Bad news, worse news. Unbelievable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you just going to one-two punch me like that doc yeah this hurts my ego to admit but that's probably a more singular experience than my apparently super common uh

demonic diarrhea situation demonic diarrhea man it felt like i was a different person i don't know comes out speaking in tongues well i mean mean, you gotta think like in human history throughout all of us before refrigeration or anything. Sorry, Bob, you okay? I mentioned a refrigerator. You all right? How's your fridge? It's fine.

How's your fridge? It's fine. Anyway, before refrigeration or anything, if someone was like starving, imagine someone like actually starving and they come across like this carcass and it's obviously not okay but they're so hungry they're like it's either die or experience my very regular occurring horrible explosive diarrhea and he's like oh well i guess i'm eating tonight i'm talking i always wonder like if you imagine who

had the worst diarrhea and all throughout human history like where would you look like at what point in time would that have occurred it's gotta be well i'm no histolorian but it's gotta be uh like peasants basically right my mind goes to medieval times sort of generally but like it's just gotta be peasants from every era because they they don't get processed foods they don't get the high cuts of meat they They get whatever shit's left. You're eating like cabbage that was in the street. And the street is the sewer, by the way, in old times. Or the street is just mud and shit mixed together that you walk on. I don't know.

It's like, you know, it's horrifying. There's no sanitation for a long time in human history. But yeah, that must have just been constant. If you were of a lower class, if you were a peasant or otherwise of like the low class in whatever era, you ate garbage. Yeah, absolutely. And when everything was run by horses, you know, like they don't really wait for a toilet. They just in the street.

Not only was sewer in the street, but also the roads were powered by horse poop. Like that's just the way life was. Powered by? Yeah, powered by. Well, that's just the way life was powered by yeah powered by well and like humans have known what fertilizer is right yeah that animal manure is fertilizer that that's that's beneficial humans have not had running water in modern times they still basically put poop on food to help it grow yeah it's chemicals and it's more advanced but like if you get like some organic lettuce it very probably had some kind of manure or something as part of its, you know, process. Yeah.

But you can wash that shit off. I get in the sink. I get the sprayer on. I wash every little speck of anything off of there until it looks like it's a nice, you know, dew covered, freshly cleaned. They didn't clean shit. Literally. They didn't clean shit. For hundreds or thousands of years of humanity's existence.

There was no such thing as cleaning. You just ate it. They were just tougher than us back then. You know, we're so weak nowadays. We don't, we clean our vegetables. What we need to do is just go and actually grab the muddy shit, just eat it raw and toughen ourselves up again. Are you my dad?

We do not condone such behavior. And also thank you, our ourselves up again. Are you my dad? We do not condone such behavior. And also, thank you, our sponsors once again. You're right, Mark. There's been a lot of diarrhea in human history. I just joined in that beautiful shared experience that is humanity. That's not even a sad story. It's a happy story.

Yeah. I'm glad I didn't say it like the 25 minute mark being like hey for all those of you listening now's the part where we're not gonna talk about poop anymore because we sure did talk about poop the whole goddamn episode it's fine throughout human history billions have lived and billions have diarrheaed welcome to the journey to the human rectum. It's like David Attenborough narrated like planet earth style grand documentary, but it's just about how much diarrhea there's been in the world. Oh my God.

Starts off in like the pipes of the toilet and you go up the diarrhea waterfall straight into the butt and just all of a sudden. At the end of every segment, David Attenborough is just like, and that is how humanity survived this period even though everyone nearly died of dehydration because of all the diarrhea oh the shatacious period now we move on to the 18th century god wait hang on sorry it's hard to shift courses i don't know why i'm still going down this rabbit hole i'm looking at lycason and the creator of lycason has it on their website. And the statement for it is, Lycason, it's a registered trademark.

Maltitol liquids are widely used as a vehicle and humectant for syrups. And I'm like, the fuck does humectant mean? And I scroll down on the website, and it says, functional properties, excipient, humectant, vehicle. And I'm like, what the fuck is this liquid like it's literally like excipient i don't know what that means humectant i don't know what that means vehicle i think i know what that means but i guess i don't know what it means in this context there's a product made by aliens and they're like i can't believe they're actually doing it quick make a website put some fake words in there. Some really creative, non-certified, non-official chemist was just like,

yes, yes, it's a great chemical. It's a humectant. It means that inside of humans, it ectentates them. And also, it's an outstanding vehicle vehicle i know that already has a meaning but in chemistry it means something else it's exipact certified no that's a different word there's excipient and exipact certified multi-compendial what is i'm reading these words nutraceuticals I love multi-compendial foods you guys lost me and I'm still

looking at lucremia whatever the hell you said you were looking at it's functional properties excipient humectant vehicle other properties and benefits exipact certified multi-compendial I don't want more in lycosine mom I don't want to take the lycosine

i want some apple juice oh my god i'm craving some gummy bears man tell you what what if we combined it what if we dissolve the gummy bears in the apple juice and just drink it all oh man been in texas been eating a lot of brisket i need to clean it out dissolve the gummy bears into the apple juice mix that into the apple juice. Mix that into the bolognese. Eventually, if you take enough different types of like laxatives, they're going to cancel each other out, right? Yeah, it's like time.

Eventually, it comes back around. It's not linear. It's circular. Yeah. Also, I realized why lycocin shouldn't be in foods because I'm looking at the applications and it says oral dosage for pharmaceuticals, loenges medicated confectionery syrup suspensions and liquids this isn't for food why did this thing become the thing they put into sugar-free gummy bears what happened

flavor oh god I mean it tastes delicious if that's what that chemical tastes like, then sure, I guess. But what the fuck? Ah, they have another chemical called Neozorb. Sorbitol liquid. Neozorb is my favorite Power Rangers thing they did. Oh, my God. Is that what their sword was called? The Neozorb?

Oh, yeah. No, I'm actually going to be doing some Pokemon Neosorb pack openings. I'm getting an early booster box. Is it Pokemon? I thought it said Power Rangers. Oh, wow. Lucky, man. You got the Neosorbs?

Oh, man. I only got the Manatals. Ugh. Yeah. Oh, man. Some Kleptos or Berlital. What is Kleptos? Do I want to know?

I want to know. Kleptos. Ah, not only is it an excipient, it's a solubilizer. Solubilizer? No. Solubilizer so solubilizer no solubilizer are these real words yep solubilizer you could actually just be making this up and neither way i could tell even remotely excipient solubilizer stabilizer i know that one and a taste making agent that's it does that just mean it has a flavor? I don't know, man. I don't know.

Go to a restaurant. What kind of taste-making agents do you use for your food? Gotta get more taste-making agents in here. Or is this chemical just really fashion-forward? He's a taste-maker. He was carrying a man's purse before it was cool. He's a taste-maker. Yeah.

Look, you sort of told the story, Wade. Is that your submission? Man, we are are up there's been so much shit yeah you know what yeah whatever i said yeah you can have that your apple juice story oh yeah i hate to shut down the chemistry talk because i know that's just endlessly fascinating for you listeners i'm sure but uh i feel like we're crashing into the end of this bad boy. Okay. I feel like I've been humbled. Oh, yeah.

I thought I was special. No. I thought that that bathroom and I shared something, and that whoever cleaned that up was kind of in on it, but not in the same way. But I'm not special. It's like they say in first grade, everybody poops. Sometimes it's liquid. They didn't tell me that in first grade.

But I i my story would be hard to beat and i think you guys proved me wrong i gotta be honest i especially think mark proved me wrong but hey i didn't give any points yet i'm just saying okay never mind i retract everything i liked your story mark but that doesn't mean that you win you know no you know what i'm willing to concede i think mark is shittier than i am uh-huh but that's i mean that could be the title for this episode yeah who's the shittiest i thought i mark is shittier than i am uh-huh but that's i mean that could be the title for this episode yeah who's the shittiest i thought i was the shittiest uh and when you started your apple juice story wade i thought you were gonna be the shittiest i might have been and i can give you

points for that a moderate amount of points and then mark had the very hilarious and only vaguely shitty story about his poor appendix that really just took hell of a turn still not shit related but i would say that your surprise tumor as you were going under anesthesia probably the shittiest story mark all right so congratulations is that official you are officially the shittiest of the three of us yay wait no no i agree you should be happy about that nicely done dude i think i think it's something to celebrate uh well I don't feel too celebrational about it. No, I think you did a shitty job, Mark. Shittiest job I could have hoped for.

I agree. You really shit the bed. Thank you. You're welcome. Crappy performance like that deserves a win. Alright, I just want to end this by saying, remember how I said I'm a bad host? I still think that. This is a terrible topic. I said I'm a bad host? I still think that. This is a terrible topic.

I'm sorry we talked about diarrhea for the last 45 minutes. I really didn't think that one through. Disclaimer, put this at the end. Don't eat while you listen to this. Yeah, put that right at the very end. Please don't have eaten while you had been listening to this. That's going to be the end of this one. Thank God I don't have to host next time. I might throw in the future just so I don't have to host again.

I'm terrible, guys. But yeah, listeners, thank you for listening. If you're still here, you really like poop. And make sure also you're following the podcast or you tap the plus sign or you're subscribed or whatever. Wherever you listen to this, make sure it tells you

because every Monday there's a new episode and you don't want to miss out, because you'll miss great content like this. It's just the best. I don't know if this is the episode we want to plug our podcast. Oh, no, this is what you can expect. Let's just get out of here. You can find Wade at LordMinion777 or some variation of that on websites.

Oh, please don't plug me. You can find Mark at MarkPlyer on markPlyer.com slash YouTube or whatever your website is. Don't look for us. Please don't look for us. Don't perceive us. If they stuck around for this long, I don't know if we want them to watch our other content. I'm really sorry, guys. It was a shitty episode, Bob. Podcast out.