Distractible - Old Men

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

Let’s face it: Mark, Bob, and Wade are getting… up there. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production with your hosts Babyface Bob, Mature Mark, and Wizard Wade. This week, the wily whippersnappers wax lyrical about the wonders of Teresa Spotted, Senex Musculum Hominis. Yes, it's time for Old Men. Please prepare thy Zimmerframes and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome once again to Distractible. I will be your host today. My name's Bob. If you're new here, that doesn't mean anything to you. If you're not new here, you probably knew that already because the host is the one who

always... You know what? Why do I even say anything? Joining me on today's episode, as always, will be Mark and Wade. Say hi, boys. Hello. Hi, boys. Hi, boys.

Hi, in general. Hi. Hi, boys. I mean, I was kind of a test, and you both passed and failed at the same time. So that's a success, really. I feel like that's the theme of this whole podcast, is we pass and fail every test all the time. What's that meme task failed successfully exactly yeah you know the launch of this podcast failed successfully you know

now the continuation of this podcast it's almost meaningless to describe this podcast but we're here and we talk about stuff and it's usually random there's often a topic and usually what we talk about barely relates to the topic in any way so i'm the judge there's points there's a winner it's meaningless the only thing we haven't had yet is a judge declaring themselves the winner of the episode i'm not going to do that today i'm just going to start by saying not going there but i expect that someday some judge probably wade will end up declaring themselves the winner of their own episode just so that they can host again i'm just guessing that is some truly ominous foreshadowing and i have a bad feeling about it i just want to say that i don't know why you think i'd be the one to declare myself the winner i'm

so generous i'm the only person who declared both of you the winners yeah you've got so much magnanimous magnanimosity magnanimosity what's that word that you like so much magnanimous magnanimosity magnanominosity what's that word that you like so much magnanimous i've got so many magnets you're so magnetic anyway how are you boys i don't know i'm calling you boys today but apparently that's the that's the move hey boys how's your week how's your life very good whoa that's not very good oh wait which one of you said very good like that couldn't tell not me that's way that must have been mark no it's not me oh no is that the ghost oh god it's the mysterious fourth person in our discord that is still there to this day i'm pretty good oh hey wade oh yeah okay how are you i've been doing pretty good nice Nice. I've been getting busy.

I've been trying to get back into a nice schedule, you know, work efficiency, all this crap that no one cares about and people get mad about because I'm living my life better than anyone ever listening to this podcast. Would you say you're living your best life? I'm living my best life. That's really all you can ask for. I'm doing pretty good as well. Not pretty good, but like pretty good.

Like almost as high. Yeah. I'm not sure what that means but that's how i feel anyway do you guys want to know the topic sure yeah it's almost meaningless like i said but i do have a topic and i think i think i want to go with today's topic is we're old oh oh it was recently my birthday right so i'm i'm feeling old it's not like a huge deal it's not like i get super negative or anything but every time my birthday rolls around these days i look at the number of years i get on my calculator do some math to figure out how many years ago i was born because i can never remember and then i feel old and i've been it got me looking at like i don't know maybe you guys don't feel this do you feel like there's stuff in your life like from your childhood or from your experience

growing up that the younger generation is just never going to understand? Well, life before phones. Is this a topic or is this just a random like conversation? This is kind of what inspired the topic, right? I found this Buzzfeed article that's clearly targeted at like our age group of all this stuff. That's like kids, kids, zoomers will never understand. Imagine setting a time to meet your friends at the movie theater.

And then once you've left school or whatever, you have no way to contact them. All you know is we decided there's a movie that we called movie phone and we learned is showing at 7 20 PM at our local whatever movie theater. And I'm just going to show up and god i hope there's other people there kids these days man they'll never know what that's like you get everyone to print out like map quest directions to where you're gonna go dude i hated that i always felt before a trip if you print it out like a map quest you're like oh i got directions if you miss one fucking turn with printing out directions you're

so screwed yeah the paper doesn't magically harry potter itself into a new map that's like oh you gotta loop around you turn you miss a turn and it's like oh you should have turned left a mile ago good luck idiot well that's why you're supposed to have like uh different maps and stuff like whatever state you live in like i remember my my grandparents had like a full Ohio map and like Kentucky and Indiana, like whatever other states just had maps in their car, like on the door. So that way, if they did need a bigger map, they would just reach in, pull one out, like pull off at a gas station, like lift that up. Or else you go into a gas station. I think you can either buy or just get for free. They would have like paper maps in a lot of the gas stations that you can grab. Okay. But honestly, that's not a bad idea even to this day because I've had many situations where I'm pulling up my phone's GPS

and it does not load because I'm in a low internet area. What are you going to do? You're back in the stone ages of 1990. You got to have a paper map. I have to say my parents always had maps in the cars. I have never in my life had a paper map of any sort anywhere near me yeah like i've never used one that's probably a good idea same with jumper cables and spare tires those are so like 30 years ago to have in your car i think those are probably still useful yeah i still

have this i don't know how long it takes to charge a dead tesla off of a 12 volt car battery i'm not sure if that would work you get your double a you put it into your tesla and you're good to go man can i can i bitch about this for a second because my i have a tesla no way uh like i went away to texas and did i talk about this like it ran out of battery because it was plugged in but it blew a fuse so it didn't charge the entire time i was gone so it died oh and the 12 volt died i didn't even know there was still a 12 volt in a tesla because there's a giant honking battery there why does it need the 12 volt i'm sure there's some legacy car systems that are like regulated

to need that battery in there but it died and you know how those car batteries are once they die they're kind of dead forever you need to like go get it replaced. And to do that, it's an impossibility in a Tesla because it's not built for that. So I had to get an appointment and I had to schedule it literally a month and a half in the future. So my car has been telling me that at any moment it could shut down because the 12 volt might die. And it's like, what do I do? That's like a modern convenience. Yeah, modern convenience yeah modern convenience all right kids these days will never understand the trouble that you just dealt with kids these days

because they'll never be able to afford it because job security going into the future and the minimum wage will never get risen you gen z-ers are doomed just like us millennials we're all fucked like 20 years there's just a bunch of Gen Z people sitting around like, you remember when people used to own cars? Yeah. What the fuck? You remember when home ownership wasn't a pipe dream? You remember.

God, you remember when we didn't live in a dystopian hellscape? My parents had it so easy. Yeah. I mean, easy for me to say. I own a home and i have a tesla so i'm not really representative of millennials at a whole oh people should revolt against me fucking hypocrite no absolutely i'm i'm part of the hollywood elite i have a house yeah yeah i'm not barely surviving so i feel very superior i must say yeah i'm part of the

cincinn Cincinnati suburban elite. Is that a thing? I don't know what that exactly means, but I've got at least like five grocery stores within 20 minutes of my house. You guys have like a Facebook group or something? Facebook. You all just talk about how you saw a 90s Honda Civic

in your neighborhood and you're really concerned about the type of people that are hanging around. Yeah. Anyway, listen. I'm listening. I just, I have a lot of memories, I i guess from childhood that i feel like are gone and i'm not like sad that they're gone but did you guys ever get to hang up the phone angrily on someone with like a landline oh yeah telephone where you get to slam it down do you ever do that yeah i remember cordless phones

i never went from a corded phone to having like three cordless phones in the house it was like oh wow we have one in like two different rooms and they were always dead because no one ever put them back on the charger right it was always a little crooked and so it was just dead and then you just don't have a phone and so you have to go to like the back office or the guest room in the house where the old landline corded phone is sitting and used out yeah no old technology is awesome, man. I slammed the phone on the police once. Oh, shit, dude. Yeah. Yeah, man.

What'd they do? I was six, right? Well, they pissed me off. That's what... It was six-year-old me, full of rage. I slammed that shit down. No, of course. It's like my brother and his friends told me to dial 911 on the phone.

And so I do that, not knowing what 911 was or what it would do and so when I dial in and I hold the phone up to my ear and remember I'm six this you know 911 operator answers and like hello 911 what's your emergency and I go like uh uh uh bam and I slam it down and you know I I do that but the problem is when that happens they call back yeah and so when the phone starts ringing I just like my heart drops into my stomach. I stare and sweat just starts falling down my forehead. And I pick up the phone and I go, hello? He's like, sir, do we need to send officers

to your house right now? This is an emergency line. And I'm getting like lectured by a 911 operator. I'm just like, I start crying like immediately. And then I slam the phone again. It was like super epic. Six-year-old Mark just blubbered. Fuck the police.

Bam. Got him. They never called back. They were so scared. They were shaking. I know this. Actually, they called back right away again. And so I picked up the phone and I listened.

It was like, this is not the line for prank calls. Like, we're going to send an officer down. And I run up the stairs to my mom and my mom gets on the phone and I listened. It was like, this is not the line for prank calls. Like, we're going to send an officer down. And I run up the stairs to my mom and my mom gets on the phone and just starts screaming at them. It was like, my son is six years old. This is an accident. Shut the fuck up. Like, you know. Yeah.

I don't remember what my mom said. I can kind of imagine. I can kind of imagine. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. What a rebel. I remember good old dial- up internet deciding between whether i wanted to call my friends or be online waiting for the like to dial up and then connect the

internet for a bit and they're like even the pre like instant messenger days i think where it wasn't like you'd hop online and chat with your friends on the internet it was like i'm gonna get online and load up i guess you could like type them like a diablo 2 or something like that but god having to stop between the phone lines and your family like get off the internet i need to use the phone man well i never had friends it was never a problem for me it was the internet all the time did you ever use the aol kids like interface like the kids only no thing that was a thing um it's a special i'm trying to put a picture i mean you google it google it i'm not gonna set it google what uh america online kids interface kids interface

trying to send a picture but i'm apparently technology illiterate i can't i can't do it oh man do anything man none of this looks familiar to me i'm not finding it i'm not finding it no well i never had aol we we we didn't do it how'd you get on the internet i mean we had something else i don't know my dad had a modem and some other thing you didn't have to have aol we had aol but we never did anything with the kids stuff yeah i honestly didn't know that there was another way to get on the internet at that point in time. I thought it was just AOL. You remember all those AOL disks? Yes, the free trial disks that you get a thousand hours.

And I don't know how they put a thousand hours on a floppy disk. Listen, no one listening to this knows what the fuck we're talking about. The Sims games back in the day, I don't know if you remember installing the Sims, but if you had like their Sims and the expansions, there was like a booklet telling you what order you had to install them in and there was like 15 discs you had to go back and forth on oh yeah like reinsert disc one reinsert why didn't you finish with disc one what's wrong with you just because you're growing older doesn't mean you can't have fun i've got a story homes people have sex a lot. I mean, pretty much.

That's not my story, but you're right. Oh, I thought I was contributing. Go ahead. Yeah, I call this Grandma's Boneless Waterpark Adventure. Oh, what the hell? Sounds like we do have the same story. Yeah, yeah. I just, I was looking up and I found this article that the headline just grabbed me because it was rogue grandma breaks bones on slide after sneaking into water park at 2am.

Oh, God. And I mean, legitimately, it just was captivating because not only did they say a rogue grandmother and her friend broke their legs after sneaking into a water park at 2am during a drunken night out, but the fact that this grandma, okay, so grandma, right? What are you picturing like an older lady like maybe a little hunched over maybe walks with a cane whatever like an older woman who's kind of slow i'm picturing a lady with a walker chain smoker who's got like her cheeks are sagging so low they're like three or four inches below her bones of her cheeks if you guys didn't know the band chain smokers is actually there's two grandmas on like a little two grandmas on jazzy scooters that zoom around on stage her

fingers have lost all muscle mass they're just bones with flesh and when she points her hand shakes a bit no no no this is what is uk woman claire vickers 46 oh well okay and friend barry douglas 44 now if that doesn't make you feel old that someone can be a grandma at age 46 and before like not so many years ago that was probably commonplace you know that'll that'll make you feel but they were having fun they were they may be crotchety old 46 year old people but they were having fun they got stuck in a water slide flume for two hours with fractured shins and shattered feet before they were rescued the pair had snuck into aldershot lido water park early august the drunken duo splashed water down the slide from the top in a bid to generate lubrication and speed before stepping into the slide but their drunken ride soon became a nightmare when they slammed

into a barrier towards they bought oh no their legs collided with the barrier blocking the exit shattering their feet upon impact and fracturing one's shin vickers vickers described the incident as like a scene out of the horror film saw we've talked about how i have a thing about lower leg injuries right oh man this must have been horrific that sounds terrible you want to play a game go down this water slide yeah exactly well that sounds fun i mean that just sounds like i'm just imagining like two drunk people at the top of a water slide with like they both have like a bottle of water yeah like one little bite and they're like this will be enough it just needs to be a little wet right if you want to live

hold my beer oh no it says in the article i found the article they wriggled their way under a fence at miss vickers poured water from a foot bath down the water slide why did they have a foot so they brought with them a little a little foot tub of water and they're like ah that doesn't work yeah there's a lot of water i couldn't even drink this much water all at once way better than a bottle of water she's a grandma after all so she had to bring her foot bath with epsom salt straight up this water slide and they must have climbed up far if the speed caused them to shatter their feet upon impact oh man i mean that's that's also like why the hell was there a barrier blocking the exit? Did they like close that down? But not at the top.

They don't close it at the top. They close it at the bottom. That seems so dangerous. Well, did they go down an actual water slide or did they go down like a log flume thing? What did they actually go down? It said water slide. There's a picture of what looks like regular water slides, but it does say log flume. No, no.

It said there's a picture here. It says they went down. The flume's tubes. no. It said there's a picture here. It says they went down. The flume's tubes. They went down the yellow slide in this picture. Okay, yeah. Which is just like a fully enclosed, straight down water slide situation. It's like not that big.

Maybe like 20, 25 feet. Yeah, not super big. Not huge. Enough to get some speed, no doubt. Like as a kid, I've gone down some pretty slippery slides and you pick up some speed yeah well with how much water they put in it they were definitely cruising a whole foot bath's worth see that you know you have a point though whoever closed that yeah let me just make a suggestion if you operate a water park yeah yeah maybe you put the barrier at the top of the water

slide yeah instead of creating essentially a human fly trap where if some idiot happens to go down they will both be severely injured and trapped at the bottom of a 40 foot long pipe that they can't climb out of yeah god they should have done is put a loop there at the bottom yeah man can you imagine if like they were there with a bunch of their friends and you know they get Yeah, guys. What they should have done is put a loop there at the bottom. Yeah. Man, can you imagine if, like, they were there with a bunch of their friends, and, you know, they get down to the bottom and they crash, and there are other friends up top because of the way the tube is. It sounds like screams of elation and hilarity.

And so they're like, oh, yeah, our turn. And then their friends slide down and slam into the people at the bottom. And then the other friends at the top, and then they just keep going going down and then the cops that come by to investigate they're like oh water slide it's already lubed with a foot bath worse and then they slide down and then at the bottom of the tunnel it just like crams more and more and more the police are there to investigate they're like oh water slide see the headline now drunken idiots create non-surgical human centipede that's rough oh have you ever been on a water slide and you managed to stop yourself i don't know why but as a kid i always tried to stop myself when i was going down and uh i did this until uh the horrible experience of having someone actually slam into the back of me

when i was stopped in the middle of one it was one of the ones like in that picture it's kind of like to the right where it's kind of loop-de-loop and you don't go as fast but me and slides didn't mix i only did the water slide one time i think i only went to the water park like a couple times but i only did water slides like once and um the open top ones were okay but that like claustrophobia feeling combined with like the water hitting me in the face and like pushing at my contacts and stuff and just feeling like i had no control i did not enjoy the tubed water slide at all i only did that like one time i never did that again mark you were you were one of those kids who ruined water slides for me i did yeah i had the opposite problem i've always been big even when i was a kid i was big tall dude big dude that means

a lot of surface area right uh sure and so at our local pool there was a kid i was big tall dude big dude that means a lot of surface area right uh-huh sure and so at our local pool there was a slide that was just like you know 20 feet up maybe you go down one little twist around and then you go in the water if i didn't like from the top do like a jumping swing throw myself in at full speed and like aerodynamic like lift my butt up off the slide with my feet and try and maximize my uh slipperiness yeah i would get stuck unintentionally but like that was the game right right kids kids would always try and stop and goof around and so the lifeguard at the top of the slide was always like hey don't stop don't stop keep sliding i'm gonna ban you and so i would

get stuck sometimes and they would yell down like don't stop and i'm down there scooting sliding i'm gonna ban you and so i would get stuck sometimes and they would yell down like don't stop and i'm down there scooting like i'm not trying to stop i'm just trying to have fun you you ruined that for me you made those lifeguards so jaded they didn't even know that i was just a fat kid stuck in this line you're right it was all me it's my fault you bastard i take full responsibility for all that i've blamed you for that for my entire life it feels good to get it off my chest yeah thanks man even before i knew you i mean you're welcome you're welcome thank you thank you thank welcome you the dumb thing i did with pools we didn't have a water slide but like my mom had a pool when i was uh elementary age i

guess elementary school age i'm a richie rich over here yeah rich man over here with all the money yeah well you know we had 15 water slides in all actuality but uh decided not to use them oh no we would do we had these like um oh god what are they called the floaty things you lay on what the hell are those things called inflatables pool toys yeah i guess so but like these weren't like the actually inflatable they were um they were made of some kind of material where you didn't like put air into them but they would float and like they would hover if you laid on it just under the surface of the water so like there'd be a layer of water that would like hit your back and we saw those as an opportunity to have like oh we have like surfboards in our pool so we would jump off the side and try to like

stand on them and like surf them yeah which in hindsight probably should have led to some broken necks and deaths but never did for us thankfully i don't know how broken necks and death yeah we would try surfing on those and i remember we had a friend who uh agreed to do a belly flop for some reason off the diving board and when he went to do the belly flop we slid one of those in front of the guys so you're an asshole not only are you rich but you're an asshole wow yeah yeah we were filthy filthy rich you had a swimming pool growing up you were at least a thousandaire i never had a swimming pool in my life i've only ever been able to go public swimming pools like a peasant so sad all right listen i'm gonna try and spark more stories i like that story mark in my head i gave you points thank you both for the title thank you and for the

grandma mislead and then for the disgusting uh injuries that those people suffered for being morons uh so points how many points for my wealth and cruelty uh you already have enough you don't need points. You'll have everything else. Anyway. Watch where your belly flop, Bob. I'll be there. You youngsters out there, you'll never understand this.

But you fellow old people, did you guys ever find, I have done this and it's a great victory. Did you ever find quarters in the change return of a payphone? Did you ever mine the mysterious gold of a payphone and receive your reward that is such an obscure reference that i feel like a lot of people know about because it's such a strange experience but yes i know exactly what you're talking about and it would never exist today again old vending machines i remember used to go around we'd press like the coin return button there's a little like metal thing you could push we'd always push those on uh vending machines and stuff to see if coins would come out occasionally you'd get lucky that's so satisfying yeah and the weird thing was occasionally it did work like you did get coins yeah yeah growing up our town had a

rec center which was like there was a pool there was a gym it was like a local community center and there was like a kid's place which was kind of for like middle school, high school kids. You could hang out. They had, you know, board games. There was like a guy there sort of watching. So it was like a, it was like a safe place to hang out that wasn't at home. So after school, we would walk over there a lot and hang out.

And they had those vending machines. And man, when you push, you push down that big metal lever and it clunks. And then you just hear like the bottom and you're like yes oh my god i'm getting the twigs god damn uh weirdly the sound of that the clinking of coins like when's the last time i held a coin like going to the arcade or something and you go the change machine or it's like you know it's not always quarters but sometimes it's tokens but either way you put a bill in and then like that's the most magical sound that like i love that sound it's not always quarters, but sometimes it's tokens, but either way you put a bill in and then like, that's the most magical sound that like, I love that sound. It's taking me right back. Yeah. Holy shit. Not only do you hear it like sliding down, but you hear it like hit the pile

of other coins. I feel like that's definitely going. No, you know what though? Literally two days ago, I used a vending machine with a quarter. We were at Costco. We did a bunch of shopping, you know, grocery trip sort of stuff on the way out of costco they have those vending machines where you can it's like 25 cents for a bottle of like you know kirkland whatever bottled water and we didn't we didn't have anything with us we didn't have a drink and we were both kind of like mandy and i were there together we both kind of like thirsty and she looked at it and was like oh i really want to drink and i was sad because i was like i think i have cash and i open my wallet i don't have cash who the hell has cash everything credit card or pay with

your phone but man he had a dollar bill wow and i put it in and it gave me a water and three quarters back it's very nostalgic to like use a vending machine not just like touch my phone to it and it's all beep boop here's your shit dude this is what i'm talking about like the physicality in the world like i think that's something that people are not just missing but it's all beep boop, who's your shit? Dude, this is what I'm talking about. Like the physicality in the world. Like I think that's something that people are not just missing, but it's kind of coming back around because Polaroids kind of came back a little bit. They kind of peaked and plateaued in terms of popularity, but there's something very, very like important about tangibility.

And this harkens back to when I bought like a silver bar offline because I was like, you know, when I first got money and I was like, I don't know what an investment is really. And I was like, maybe I'll buy silver because that seems like a thing that I'll do. But I bought a silver bar and it was just like a like a one ounce little tiny little tablet. I remember that actually. That was when you still lived in Cincy.

Exactly. Yeah, I remember that. I kept it in my wallet because when I pulled it out and I like felt it, there was something I don't know if it was just like me in my brain, maybe that's all you need that's all it really is but I felt it and I felt value and I don't know how to translate that but when I touched it when I held it I looked at it I was like this has value and I was just like holy shit that's crazy that like this feels this way I know it's just because like I psychologically attributed to that but that also applies to different things like the Polaroids like I have some Polaroids that I've taken on adventures adventures quote-unquote

like excursions excursions that's a big word for it don't judge yourself use your language I went outside in the world and then I went on this broad adventure like glorious expedition and um I had a Polaroid and I cherish that polaroid above all the other professional pictures or phone pictures that were taken that day i keep it with me that's because it's like it's important i don't know has value there is something about that i have a similar thing i don't have a polaroid camera but we had a couple years ago we had friends over and one friend had a polaroid camera and was just snapping pictures and they took a picture of lexi our dog just like sitting on the couch just kind of being cute whatever and they snapped the picture and they

handed it to me and like i have a hundred pictures of my dog in my phone and mandy has hundreds thousands who knows she loves taking pictures but that one polaroid there's something about the idea that like the actual photons or whatever the light hit that film it's a physical manifestation of that moment where our dog who's not gonna live forever you know she's fine she's not like sick or anything but it's like i that holding that picture for the rest of my life and i have coveted it and it's like it's not you know polaroids aren't like great quality pictures they can be fuzzy it's pretty low contrast it was like lexi's a gray and white dog and she was laying on a dark blue blanket on a gray couch so like it's not an amazing picture

but there is something absolutely about that i totally get why that and other trends kind of like in that vein of polaroids are coming back of like tangible things that's completely unnecessary right you could take the exact same picture on a phone it'd probably look better but the physical thing i get that yeah it's interesting yeah it's nice other than uh the polaroid do you remember like just family photos in general my grandma always had like what was it kodak canon and like you didn't get instant feedback on what those photos would look like so it's like you'd all get together for a family picture smile take like two photos you have to go to like uh walgreens or cvs develop the whole role i mean just like the concept that you could redo things because it's so easy on a phone to be like oh i

don't like that picture but with a little disposable camera it's like that is that picture whether or not you were good in the picture that picture exists and if you develop that photo like it will be and what it is in that moment and i think that's what beautiful about those kind of things and polaroids in general is like you can't really redo that picture. You can take another one, but the picture that you took, no matter what you looked like in the picture,

is that picture and it exists and it can't be deleted unless you burn it. And it's like it's kind of one of those things where you have to acknowledge its existence and that that picture exists because it does. Once you take it, it exists. And it can't be

photoshopped you can't put filters yeah or whatever you know stickers and things on it man they still do like school pictures i assume right kids go into school and they do picture day or whatever for like yearbook purposes i think so i'd imagine but my parents used to um when we were kids every couple years they would do like a me and my brother picture session at like Sears. You know, you like book the photographer at the department store and you go in and you wear a nice outfit and they like pose you on some blocks or whatever. It was like childhood pictures of like me and my little brother just sort of sitting there. That's weird. I feel like that doesn't happen anymore.

Yeah, we actually had physical stickers that they sold. We have one family album where we visited like family in like West Virginia or something where like on the photos, we put physical stickers on the pictures that were like you could use to decorate your photos. Like what? Like sunglasses and mustaches or just like things to put around the edges of the picture? Yeah. Just rant.

It was literally random stuff. Like some of them were like little speech bubbles where you could write something and like put it on there or like there were predetermined words or like whatever that's pretty funny i never saw that wouldn't that make sense yeah music's another topic that uh oh yeah is different now having to listen to like even pre-cds and cd players we had to carry around clips the cassette hit clips well cassettes like you used that to rewind your music if you wanted to listen to something you had to either flip it to the other side of the cassette or rewind it and to find a specific song you'd have to fast forward or rewind to listen to those hit clips and that's

dude hit clips i don't know what the fuck hit clips is you don't know what hit clips is i never had that i never even had a hit clip now that i see a photo of it it looks familiar it's like a little tiny boom box and things like little i'm guessing those are one song per little cassette thing yeah it's like little shitty plastic cartridges that you carry around they're like keychains and you put it in your hit clips player and it plays that one song i don't even know if it was the full song i think it might have just been a little bit of the song like it's so funny because it's it's like technology it's barely what they could have possibly done like the most disposable little chewable piece of this thing you could never duplicate it you can't like re-record it you can't cassette player it and it's so useless like it's incredibly useless like i

found another picture i'm posting picture on our discord you guys at home can't see it but you can google it yourself or whenever we get the website oh my god it's just a huge pile of hit clips yeah like 80 or more hit clips i never had a hit clips but i feel like hit clips like dug a psychological hole into the middle of the millennium like them and pogs and uh tech decks and shit like that all the miniaturized little toys like it made no sense are these hit clip earrings oh my god so talking about music though music is an interesting one right i won this may be obscure or it may not be i can't tell did you guys ever do so pizza hut had this thing where it was like order a large two topping and you can create your very own mixed cd you can pick the tracks from our list of tracks and then we'll burn the cd and it will

come with your pizza did you guys ever do that i don't remember that at all what the hell is that i had like two or three of these where it was like while you were ordering a pizza you also could select a track list of like 10 to 12 tracks like a cd-ish length and it was literally like they would burn a cdr they would print a label for it that was like bob's pizza mix or whatever you called it and then with your pizza you would get a cd mixtape thing and that and like that was unbelievable to me because up to that point you lived in a world of you have to buy an entire cd if you like one song you buy the whole cd and then you learn what other songs that artist has done because you're like oh i've never heard this

this wasn't on the radio yeah what the hell is the beat goes on by britney spears what is that what is that song but like also i feel like younger generations i don't know if you guys did this will never understand the bonding of like i didn't have a good walkman when i was a kid but i used to have friends who had or discman who who had like good CD players that you could walk around with that had anti-skip and stuff. And you'd split headphones, right? We would be like, oh, let's walk around the neighborhood. Like, let's just hang out. We'll split the headphones. We'll listen to this CD. And then, you know, maybe we'll go, we'll head back home. We'll switch to another CD. I feel like no one, no one in the MP3 era is going to get that. Cause why would you do that? Even if you wanted to listen to music with somebody, you both have

like your own, you know, wireless earbud, whatever your AirPods or whatever, you're not going to like share. I don't know. It's just like a different thing. We used to just share headphones all the time on the school bus, walking around, just listen to like a whole CD front to back and just like walk around the neighborhood and talk about shit. That's like such an image from my childhood. I think even the concept of an MP3 is starting to become lost because on all the streaming services, you know, and all the music services on your phone, they're not called MP3s anymore. It's not an MP3 player. They're just songs. And yeah, there's different like quality levels of it. But like the concept of putting an MP3 on an MP3 player, even the thing after CDs, that's lost.

That's not really a thing anymore. So even these incremental steps of technology are becoming overridden. Pre-YouTube, pre-Twitch, it was like MTV. You had to watch MTV to see music videos. That's true. I remember the first MP3 player I got. It was a little plastic thing, had no built-in memory. It took two double

a's didn't have like a rechargeable battery change the batteries in it i had one sd card that i swear to god i think it was 32 megabytes it could hold like six songs and i used to sit at home on my computer and very carefully like okay i've got aerosmith i need it's something lighter i need like pop music i have six songs this is what i have to listen to for the whole day today i really gotta narrow this down and make the right choices and then like the batteries didn't even last the whole day you know if i brought it to school or listen to it on the walk to school or whatever the batteries lasted like maybe as long as six songs yeah like it was barely an mp3 player now you know even when ipods the advent of the original ipod came out i think the original ipod was measured in like

gigabytes right and it was like yeah you have 10 000 songs i remember even that i was like what the who owns that much music where do you even get the other day i saw a tweet from someone that was like oh my god adele put out a new song two seconds later i was listening to it on my phone streaming it no no barrier to anything aside from issues with platforms certain platforms having whatever exclusive artists like everything being everywhere so wild i feel like music was such a thing in my childhood and it's so different that's why vinyl is coming back like it's a retro technology, but the reason it comes back is because it's so tangible. When you remove any of the tangibility to anything, like even music, like which is just an auditory thing,

like in the air, but music, like with a vinyl, you can actually touch the music. You can see the physical imprint of that music. The waveform is there in the vinyl. And it's kind of crazy to think about, but it's also reasonable because people need the connection to the physical world. We are physical creatures after all, until our brains get uploaded to the great computer in the sky and we all become one in the cloud. Can't wait for that. But for now, you know, we can touch music through vinyl and we can touch memories through photos like polaroids

and then we can touch money sometimes you know money whatever it is you know whatever but you know tangibility it's important we all have a kiddie pool with at least 10 grand sitting in our guest bedroom right or or maybe at your like your vacation house for fun right no we spent all of our money having a pool growing up so i don't have a kiddie pool in the building you spent all your wealth too early you fool you fool you fool you need the generational at the mere age of seven i'd spent all my wealth before like amazon and everything i remember when ebay first started becoming like a popular thing where people could go and buy stuff. But like if you wanted a CD, CD player, whatever, it's like you had to get an empty disc and burn it. And usually it was because you downloaded songs on like Kazaa or, you know, one of those torrent sites.

Yeah. It was like literally you had to go. You had to go shopping. Like going to the mall was a hangout. Like I remember my ex and I, it's like we used to go to the malls and walk around all the time and now it feels like malls are ghost lands comparatively well sometimes especially during the pandemic but even before that but do you guys remember the old consoles the disc you had to have but like uh cheat codes disc cleaners like was it doctor dr disc or something if you if your disc got scratched you had to like put it through this

process of trying to repair it yeah like you put it in and crank it yeah like buffs out your disc i never used one of those i thought it was bunky game shark cheat central it was cheat cc cheat code central planet cheat and all that stuff where you get like your up down left right left right yeah whatever dude yeah printing i used to print out like walkthroughs of levels and like and i remember i had a sheet there was like the holy sheet of golden eye like codes right because you could turn you know you could turn on and i forget how it worked in golden eye did you unlock the ability to just turn cheats on and off or did you have to do inputs don't remember i think you could put in codes or something but would like permanently unlock it right like just go to a cheat menu and enable or disable like paintball

mode and all that there was like one one of my buddies had goldeneye and it had everything unlocked and one of my other buddies had the sheet of all the codes that was like someone has a cartridge without all the cheats unlocked we got to get the sheet from this dude and go over and unlock all this yeah that's a special that's crazy remember invincibility mode unlimited ammo playing as minion twisted metal where i got my username dude big head mode minion and twisted metal forgot my username dude big head mode yeah big head paintball all right so this is this is another one yeah i don't know how universal this was i was never allowed to have a tv in my room i was always jealous because i had some friends who were allowed to have tvs in their rooms but in our house as a kid we had like a little quote unquote portable tv which is like a little 15

pound incredibly heavy and awkward thing that you could move around because there was a handle on top of it it was like a little tiny black and white four inch screen like impossible to get a clean picture on it but it could get the broadcast stations right so i have vivid memories of watching like when i was a kid watching like the Nagano Olympics. I would sneak into my parents closet and snatch up the TV and like prop it up on my bed under the comforter and watch the Olympics late into the night because it was in, you know, on the other side of the world far away. Or like Saturday morning cartoons. You wake up on Saturday, you flick on the little portable TV thing, get the tuning right for the, I think it was ABC. tv thing get the tuning right for the i think it's abc that intro that would play the with this the little goldberg device machine things going in and out of the schoolhouse i don't know maybe this is just me but i was that little portable tv or like the little handheld tvs later on right i had

friends who got those we didn't have that we had a tv that probably weighed more than a 70 inch now and it was like a 16 inch little box tv and i remember watching um probably 1995 96 i remember being a kid and watching michael jordan playing like for the bulls one of his last few years and stuff on this little tiny box tv that probably weighed more than i did because those tvs were so fucking heavy i have no relation to this because i was too poor therefore i'm going to segue into something that I have prepared that is completely unrelated. Uh, I don't watch TV. Yeah, I don't watch

TV, but I've got even, like, uh, let's, how do I tangent to this? There, some, uh, this, this is what's gonna happen to you if you watch too much TV. I went searching for the truth, and, like a fool i found it but some truths

are best left undiscovered well i turned around and there was uh it was bigger than i could have imagined the hikers claimed that when they turned around it seemed as though their friend had simply It seemed as though their friend had simply vanished. When I turned around, my whole farm was gone. I don't believe in ghosts! But when I turned around, I couldn't explain what I was seeing. This is Morbid Mysteries of the Missing Millennium. Viewer discretion is advised. I found it again, I found it!

I will never get fired if you turn again. I found it. Shut up. It's just, it's an intro. Man ejaculates from anus, urinates feces for two years before seeking help. Are you curious?

I remember being a kid and I remember today's kids wouldn't understand the reason this tangential is because we're all in our 30s and this man 33 turned up from see see it's related it's related turned up for medical care after experiencing pain in one of his testicles for the previous five days he also said he had been passing a substantial amount of urine and sperm from his rectum over the previous two years doctor i got some pain in my balls also for two years i've been shitting semen and pissing shit that is exactly

what the story is that's exactly it's like the joke we had before. It was like, well, you know, you got some slight ball pain. Also, you're shitting sperm out your ass. I just this this title grabbed me so much and I had to work it in because it's so fascinating. And the doctors, wait, I got a quote. I got a quote from the doctors. The doctors at the University of Texas described the case as unique and curious. What a bunch of tactful doctors you know that they went home they were they fucking violated their oath they went home they were like honey honey you'll

never guess what i got to do today i'm sorry what oh i had a case of the semen shit what oath do you think that doctors take that prevents them from talking about cases that they've worked on do you mean hippa yeah because that's not really how hippo works yeah no we don't go home and just talk about your patient you can talk about the case itself we don't know the name all they went home they were like thomas b thomas b seaman shitter god he came and i should have known by the name he's 47 he lives at one two three hawkerly lane did you know he shits urine you might be right that they're not supposed to it's not part of the hippocratic oath far as i understand it but uh that's to do no they definitely do yeah doctors

absolutely talk about the crazy shit that happens yeah it's just like this such a weird case because this guy comes in after two years like imagine you were shitting semen for two years and you were pissing shit yeah and you decide to come in only when your balls start hurting like you know what i'm gonna give you that this is connected because this is how it feels to me getting older yeah i haven't had anything quite this crazy but like like right when i when i was a kid even through like my 20s you get sick and it's like oh i got this cough it went away i don't know i'm better but now it's like you're staying home from school i wake up and it's like oh my ankle hurts uh-huh that's weird yeah and also i feel like allergic but i don't usually have allergies

and also i fart every time I move. Are these related? Is this some sort of crazy illness that I have now that I'm 30? What's happening? It's fascinating because like, I think that is kind of very pervasive in Generation Z because it's kind of thing when I was in college, you remember when I fell off that building and broke my ass? Yeah.

I kind of remembered tangentially that every time I went to the gym and did a workout where I did like a torso rotation like a trunk rotation thing i would have to go to the bathroom and collapse on the floor for about an hour because i suddenly was losing all the blood to my head and arms and legs you never went to the doctor for that i never went to the doctor i went to the bathroom and i let it take care of itself and then when i felt better i went right back to working out again like and i never in my head i never went like maybe i should go to the doctor for this it was like no no no it'll pass i'm sure this horrible spinal trauma that i did when i fell from a two-story building onto my ass has nothing to do with this this incredible horrific almost dying feeling you

know well there is that like feeling of invincibility when you're young where it's like sucks for them but i'm not gonna go through that like there's i don't know there's this mentality of just like won't be me i don't know how else to explain other than that but that's the thing it's like i did not feel invincible when it's happening i was like man i think i'm dying never did it occur to me to go to the doctor not once well doctors cost money. Yeah. Let's be clear.

If Obamacare hadn't passed you, I was not about to go take care of my health. Even still, anytime I feel anything, and this is just a side effect of growing up in the medical system that we have, I can absolutely afford to go to the doctor. Like, I'm an adult now. We have health insurance. Yeah. Not that it does very much but i could if i was really serious i could absolutely at any whim be like oh i don't feel

so good maybe i'll get this checked out and still i think like oh i don't feel so good i don't know if i need to go to the doctor though yeah i don't know if i need that bill how is this worth is this a three thousand dollar illness yeah i don't know what if they order a scan what if i go in and they're like oh you need a ct and i'm like ah no i want to have kids i got car payments there's definitely enough like things that come up like i i'd have like heartburn if i eat like past a certain point in the night i know i'm gonna be miserable laying there with like heartburn and uh acid reflux and all that yeah i just have like a random pain i remember um just a few days ago the right side of my rib cage i had like a pain in for like two or three days and i was like this persists

long enough i guess i'll go in but like but that stuff always happens there's part of you it's aching it's like is this the one i'm gonna go and spend six hundred dollars on do i want to live or i want to be able to afford food i gotta choose i've had that i forget what it was it was like from tour i or something i got back from like when we did the live show or for a convention and like one of my you know like my knee hurt like i twisted it or something and i was like for a while i was like this this keeps going maybe i'll get this checked out it was like a month later i was like it still kind of hurts not that bad if this keeps going maybe i'll have to get a check yeah i could go on indefinitely yeah well did they cure him mr seaman shitter it just says there did some investigation and found that he'd been in a three-week coma two years prior

due to drug intoxication um and they said the result was that it was a fistula which is an abnormal separation or connection between two supposedly separate organs oh i know about fistulas i watch grey's anatomy can a fistula be comprised of teratoma not really no a teratoma might cause a fistula maybe yeah okay maybe maybe can a teratoma bridge two organs then like turn into a pathway between the two i mean i turned around and the teratoma had fistula in my inner fistula in my ass what is that what did you just say i said innards but fistula my ass i guess anyway what'd you do last night i got fistula i think that's enough reminiscing about how old we are and how sad that is i turned around and my whole life was behind me i turned around and

it was a zoomer on their cell phone taking a picture of me um it wouldn't be a picture let's be honest it would be a tiktok uh yeah yeah you right you're obviously you're right they took a polaroid but thank you thank you for walking with me down a memory lane crotchety though we may be we gotta go back uh gotta go back i gave mark points for that first story and way did you didn't you didn't really you told us kind of a story i don't know you were in some amount of points i feel like mark really dominated the uh contributions in this you know i came to win today i came to dominate you did man i was so fucking ready i feel like i'm getting fistula

right now i was so fucking ready you said you were ready and you proved it and you know what mark yeah you earned the dub mark Mark wins. Thank you. Thank you. I did deserve this. I did. You guys should go to the doctor right now because all I hear is shit coming out of your mouths. I deserved this.

I worked hard for this. And I will be such an incredible judge next round. Thank you, general listeners, so much for listening to this episode of Distractible. Thank you, Mark and Wade, for joining me. You can find them at their social medias youtube.com slash those guys mark flyer lord minion 777 twitch probably you find me on facebook fb.gg slash my screen you don't know how to spell that so it's meaningless but you know check it out or whatever that's gonna be the end of the episode mark wins weight

is sad thank you excellent round everybody excellent excellent go to the. Thank you. Excellent round, everybody. Excellent. Excellent. Go to the doctor if you're weird. If you're weird. And with that sound medical advice out of the way, podcast out.