Distractible - Oregon Trail

Episode Date: July 28, 2025

3 men, one trail, and a whole lot of dysentery and grandfather clocks. This episode is brought to you by vitaminwater. Grab a vitaminwater today. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode of Distractable is presented by Vitamin Water. Some drinks are fun, some are functional, but Vitamin Water said, why not both? There is nothing more refreshing than like a nice Vitamin Water ice cold sip in the heat. I only drink zero sugar drinks, so of course I'm a fan of the zero sugar, rehydrate, pineapple passion fruit. I'm a big pineapple guy. Pineapple good. Born in New York City, built for people who work hard and play hard. Grab a vitamin water today. Copyright 2025.

Glaceau Vitamin Water is a registered trademark of Glaceau. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Balneel Bob is sanguine about small talk, deems waterfalls worthless and sends the guys on a sojourn. Wagoneer Wade trades his nips for knackers, negates Niagara and suggests hunting head. Magenta Mark does disco, tantalizes with Twilight, extols ecology, collects castrated bulls, measly meals and defeats death. From sunbathing sphincters to smashing scores. Hello and welcome back to another episode of the world's purplest podcast. That's right, I'm really holding down the fort here.

You other two losers in your totally normal neutral looking color scapes got nothing on how brightly colored and purple my shit is. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Holy Christ. Hold on. That. Ah! Holy Christ! Ah! Hold on! That's not right. The stargate's not stable, Mark. You're gonna have to shut it down!

Hold. Oh. Oh. Ready for it? Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm sorry, are you tuned into the world's most purple podcast? Look, purple! Oh no, he's colorblind. Alright, well I guess this is it now. I don't know. Oh Mark, you look great.

Thanks. You look like that girl from Willy Wonka. I'm the purple Hulk. Listeners, you don't know what you're missing right now. Mark looks like he's in the most uncomfortable tanning bed I've ever seen. For all I know that is probably blasting me with ultraviolet. God I hope so. It's like sunbathing your butthole except with ultraviolet. Oh Mark show your butthole to the light.

You can do it. Anyway this is a podcast. Welcome back. This is Distractable. If you are confused what you're listening to yes it is actually distractible and I'm your host Bob because I won the last one the two other guys you've heard already are Mark and Wade they're competing because whoever wins host the next one that's the rules of the game and there's no other rules except for the Constitution which we follow just as strictly as the United States Supreme Court follows the American Constitution

BAMPA-NAN-TA-PA-NAN PFFT HAHAHAHA BANANANANTA-PA That clip came across my social media again where I forget what you were ranting about but you just hit it with the old BAMPA-NA-BAMPA EXCEPT IN ITALIAN It's the same episode as Adios Mio, but Italian.

I don't remember it's such a such a classic moment. I bet it was. Can I get something besides purple? Yeah, you can. We're still ooh, whoa. Elmarq's in a brothel.

Now you can develop your photos while we Oh yeah, that's also what dark rooms look like. That guy, he likes lenses, that makes sense. This is safe for all my film, I'm sure. Yeah, it's probably fine. It's so bright, I have to squint like when I'm looking around. That is how bright it is. It looks unpleasantly bright, I have to give it to you.

My eyes are kind of watering you turn that down man that's okay why why would i do that i mean do whatever you want there's no point on the wheel for having close to bob's lighting oh okay all right i'm gonna wait i got i got effects here i can i can have faulty bulb. Oh, strobe it, baby. All right, so this is faulty. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, I would have a flash warning on this one. Yeah, no, editors, put the warning. Holy fuck.

Oh, my God. It looks like someone's trying to torture you. OK, wait, here's explosion. Alright, get ready for explosion. Explosion? Oh no. I don't know how to start it. What if it just actually explodes? Does it just randomly explode once you turn it on and put it in that mode?

I don't know, it's not exploding. Explode, dammit! What if it just makes the actual light actually explode? Maybe that's more dangerous than it seems. That's what I was expecting. There's gotta be a button that does it, right? No, that ain't it. Wait. Explode, dammit! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! It exploded, right in Mark's face. Are you saying it was bad that your eyeballs were six inches from the quote-unquote explosion? No. Boom. It's called kaboom. That looked a lot brighter that time when your face wasn't blocking it. That's pretty nice, that's pretty nice, right?

Welcome to a definitely not visual episode of watching Mark play with his life. It didn't physically explode you, but that definitely undid a little bit of your Lasik surgery. Said that unlasered something that's gonna really cause problems in eight to ten years. Yeah, the last is, I could just keep it paparazzi, and so, you know. Which is the same as the faulty bowl. Yeah, it's just, it's just off more instead of odd more do you have random lightning strikes that you can just leave on and then every time the editors just put thunder in every time they catch it

that's the fucking brightest light. What the hell? Yeah, I know, right? It's a two foot by two foot square over here. I don't remember what it was before, but I think it was like, pretty close to it. You look about right? You look pretty good.

I think that was so bright. I could see the paint color of your wall before it was repainted. Anyway, that was fun. How much time did that kill? So much small talk? Are we done with this episode yet? I was playing with my lights for hours.

That's allowed to be your small talk, buddy. That's okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I'll stop stealing the show now. We all enjoyed it. We were like five-year-olds watching a toy light up again. We do usually do small talk. Mark's small talk is seizure warning. Wade what's up with you? I had the weirdest dream last night.

Before we started rolling I was like I don't know if I should tell this story. It was like a nightmare of I don't know I dreamed that my body was like changing in a very specifically weird way. My chest on each side became a dick and balls but like it wasn't comedic it was like I had some kind of medicine caused like this transformation and I had to go find a surgeon who could fix me because I just had like Squidward nose dick and balls instead of my chest wasn't super obvious through a shirt but like you could definitely tell and it sounds really silly stupid and funny out loud But was actually like a very not comfortable dream. Mm-hmm

This was just this was literally last night. I told Molly this dream when I woke up. Don't feel embarrassed I think we've all had that dream. I mean I've never had that dream, but I'm sure many other people have oh me neither Yeah, I'm just mean like, someone listening to this definitely had that dream. For sure, for sure. It was actually really freaky, because it's like, that's not where they're supposed to be. No, you're right about that.

That's not where those go. Give this man an A in anatomy. I was going to be picked on and bullied. Is that the whole dream? Did anything else happen, or was it just like you had that life now? Most of the dream, it was flashing between like going to see different doctors to see what we could do. And they were all like perplexed.

They're like, well, based on this, if we try to remove this, it could cause complications because the connections through your body are like, I don't know, it was like weird dream science that made sense at the time, but like you wake up and it's like, they didn't actually say anything. It was just, it was like weird dream science that made sense at the time But like you wake up, and it's like they didn't actually say anything It was just it was implied in my head during the dream that like Shaking of the head meant this

That was most of the dream most of the dream was trying to find the right doctor And then my alarm went off and I swear to you the first thing I did was feel my chest it was like oh Thank God that reminds me of something editor sensor this you guys heard of don't look it up editor please your God sensor every word that I'm saying except for these words right here there's something that was like on a while ago it's just but I saw one and that was enough and that scarred me for a very long time. So Wade, that's what I'm picturing. I'm not Googling that no matter how much you tell me not to, so... Thank you.

I'm also not... I'm not dicking... I'm not dicking that either. You're not dicking that? I'm not dicking that either, nope. You dicking this? Maybe. That's some of the most out ofof-pocket small talk I feel like we've had in a minute. You guys got some crazy stuff going on, huh? It's certainly stuff. You want good small talk? Like real brief good stuff? No, no, it doesn't have to be good.

No, that's not a requirement. That's fine. I mean, if you have some, you're welcome to share it, but... No, no, no. I'll save it for a different episode because I don't have much in my life and I need this one thing to hold onto for the future. I believe that. I'm trying desperately to think of anything that's happened in my life, but I've just been so tired, I'm not gonna lie. And that feels terrible to say in front of Mark,

because I know, like, are you still doing all-nighters? Are you still trapped in that? No, no, no, God no. I started to almost get shingles again, so I was like, I should probably not do that I'm not doing that, but I've just been so tired. Mark had like a week and a half of rough sleep You've been a dad for like two years. I think you win. That is true. Yeah It's not a competition, but like Mark loses. James is fun except for the biting. He's a little bitey comes and goes

Be fine. I sleep a lot sleep great. Yeah I've kind of been prioritizing it I've been trying to make sure that I get good sleep and that that is important everyone get good sleep out there but at the same time you know it was kind of refreshing pulling an all-nighter there is a time of day that I love that I had to look up what the name was because I thought in my head it was uh I got up this morning and it was like 5am. I know I just said I was trying to get good sleep but I had to get up early this morning. But it's 5am and I go outside and it's overcast and there's the sun isn't over the horizon yet. So it's just you know, just a little bit because of the clouds. It's like everything's this like gray blue, you know, like steel blue color.

And it's real quiet before even the birds are starting to go. And I had to look it up because in my head, I was like, is this Twilight? No, it can't be Twilight. This is this isn't what Twilight is. And I looked it up. That actually is what Twilight is, which is like when the sun is below the horizon, but still casting light. There's three different twilights. I forget what the other two are, but the one in the morning is civil Twilight. I think, oh, I might be confusing them.

But civil twilight is like just before the sun rises on like that kind of cloudy overcast day where it's not like a beautiful sunrise, I think. In the evening you get uncivil twilight. These distinctions don't make any fucking sense to me. How is there a third twilight? There's civil twilight, nautical twilight, and astronomical twilight. They're not as unrelated as they sound.

Civil twilight is when the sun is between zero and six degrees below the horizon. Nautical twilight is six to twelve degrees, and astronomical twilight is the darkest kind of twilight Twilight right before it's actually just dark 12 to 18 degrees below the horizon. So the Twilight hours are my favorite but specifically in the morning like it's such a beautiful time So I I thought it was very refreshing to pull these all-nighters because you'd see times of day or night that you wouldn't ordinarily Because you'd see times of day or night that you wouldn't ordinarily see. I think I was probably born to be a night shift person, but I had the upbringing of a military man and therefore I am a 6am waker, but I rebel against that. I think in all honesty I should be a third shift kind of person, but I'm just not.

Like staying up all night? Yeah, exactly. And then going to bed at like 4 or 5 in the morning? Like... No, you'll miss the twilight. No, no, no. Go to bed at 4 or 5 in the morning? Like... No, you'll miss the twilight. No, no, no. Go to bed at 5.30 in the morning? Like 6, 7, 8, 9 AM. 10, 11, 12.

Oh! That's naughty. That's like naughty hours to be awake. Nautical twilight. Naughty twilight. Oh, is that what that means? Naughty twilight. You got naughty dusk and you got naughty twilight.

And then you got astro-naughty. Is that why they means? Naughty Twilight. You got Naughty Dusk and you got Naughty Twilight. And then you got Astronauti. Is that why they're called that? Yeah, probably. God, I'm learning so much from you guys right now. Yeah, that's what we're all about here. This is a learning podcast. People come to us because of our expertise and our accumulated knowledge.

The years of wisdom weigh heavy on us. The more you know, less copyrighted, the more you know. Just by saying less copyrighted, it's like... The logo will be a little bit less on brand, so it'll be less copyrighted the second time. Oh. When you're slightly more knowledgeable. When you gain some insight. Don't sue us reading rainbow whoever that was that had that I don't think that they're the most litigious but you know since PBS

funding got cut maybe maybe they're coming now they need it reading rainbows had fallen hard times it real bad cut the reading rainbow leaning against a brick wall with a paper bag. Mr. Rainbow, no! I'll pay you back. Mr. Rainbow is my father. Times have changed. I was just gonna ask what we were talking about, but we weren't, I guess we were talking about Twilight. Yeah, a little bit, yeah. I do like that.

I, this is not a thing that I can, I feel like I could get away with anymore because it feels weird and creepy. But when I was, when we were in college, do you ever just like walk around campus in the middle of the night? Like I pulled it all night or at like four in the morning, I'd be like, I'm just gonna get some fresh air

and go walk around campus and like sit in the football stadium at UC and just be like, it's four in the morning, that's good. No, it is good though, it is. How many times in life do you really have that where you've worked so hard and you just like are just at this time? Because 4 a.m. Is a beautiful time 3 4 because very few people are awake. Nothing's really moving Definitely nothing's open besides like the donut shops and they're still making the donuts, you know It's just such a quiet moment and I I'm such a solitary person that I'm like,

I'm not meant for the cities and yet I live in one of the biggest. It's like, I just need the quiet. I love middle of the night, even before the sun starts to come up, just going out in the middle of the night, like a summer night where like the dew is on the grass and you just hear like the insects in the trees and stuff. Hazel creepy scurrying, like a raccoon or something, but like no road traffic or anything, it's just the insects and the night, I don't know, the night sound, but it's different. Like the midnight one is different than like you said,

like two or three in the morning. Yeah, cause even the bugs are asleep. Like the bugs actually do get quiet at night. They start to shut down. Well, and there's just a relatively short window because people are out working like late shifts until like people work at bars and they work some factories run until late in the night. There's a sweet spot between after work, but before the early douchebags who are out on

the road at five in the morning where it's like even in the heart of a city, you get a little bit of like quiet. What's that? What's that word solitude is not the right word peacefulness Solips solips solips solips ism. That's probably it You know a really cool example my grandparents had a cabin down on lake cumberland And I remember a night we stayed out on the pontoon overnight and we woke up really early It was actually kind of fucking freezing But when we woke up there was no other boats out on the water that were moving there was no like even the river was asleep so like we stood up and looked out on the

water and it's like we were in the middle of this lake and it was like looking at glass because the water was so still completely still and that this is a very busy popular like area right because Cumberland's big and everyone goes down there to vacation. But seeing the water still as glass was really cool. You know, that, that kind of thing is something that I think everyone can agree with. There's some people that might be like, I prefer city and people,

but almost everyone can appreciate the beauty and serenity that is in nature. And that's why I always am flabbergasted by the political divide of like Environmentalism is like protecting that landscape is sometimes a hot bun issue, but this isn't even about politics I'm not even talking politics like everyone wants that the people that want to go fishing You know and and want to go hiking and one go there's so many overlaps where the human experience is just like a naturally now and one go, there's so many overlaps where the human experience is just like a naturally. Now, time out. Oh, okay, I'm sorry, yes.

That shopping center could be two minutes from my house instead of 10. You have beautiful nature two minutes from your house. Well, I did, but now we have three shopping centers instead. Got a nice highway, but a thoroughfare through there for business. Yeah. I agree, I agree. You're right.

I'm a pretty chill person in general, and it's hard, I agree. I agree. You're right. I'm a pretty chill person in general and it's it's hard I will admit to like slow down enough to appreciate that So I don't hold it against people if you're not in the place where you're you're ready to appreciate like a dead steel You know a glass lake that's like smooth. It's like five in the morning and it's misty. That's beautiful But if you're not in that place, it's really fucking boring Like you're sitting there and you're like, I need to be doing something. Like mentally I'm in a place where I need to be,

I have all this stuff on my mind. I need to, I can't relax, whatever. I get that, but you're right. Like I don't understand why it's so, even people who struggle to find the like mindset to really appreciate it, you have to understand that that's a valuable thing, right? Like you have to appreciate it sometimes. That's a pretty universal human experience, I feel like.

Marveling at nature or appreciating a tranquil scene or something, like, maybe you don't get a lot of opportunities for it. But I feel like, for everyone I've ever talked to that I feel like I know well enough to guess, if you ran through like, so what are your favorite memories of life or whatever, at least some of them are like, oh, this one time we were at this waterfall or, oh, we were on this river. And it was like just this crazy scene. It's because it's beautiful. It's a pretty universal experience. I think. I don't know.

Maybe I'm wrong about that. I think that's why Niagara Falls was so disappointing to me because Niagara Falls I thought I was gonna get that experience and then we went there and it was just So built up around it because it's such a tourist destination like the falls themselves are still beautiful But like you can't really see the falls without seeing literally Sky spin restaurant and everything else around it not that those places are bad But like it wasn't the how we we gotta hike 30 minutes up a trail to actually get to where we can see the falls. Like, I really wanted to have like that nature experience

of getting there and it's just creeped into it. Niagara Falls, I see what you're saying and I've never been there, but I believe you. I always, I generally have a thing about waterfalls though. I feel like that's something, if you had someone to pick out a thin air, they'd be like, oh, I love a beautiful waterfall. And in pictures, you look and you're like, oh, I love a beautiful waterfall and you in

pictures you look and you're like god that must be just the most beautiful the reality of any Waterfall that's more than like a few feet is you go on that long hike up the mountain You're deep in the woods and come into the opening and you see the waterfall and you're just like This is a beautiful waterfall It's like a constant explosion of all the natural things that exist a waterfall has got to be one of the least pleasant Holy fuck. I've never been close to a waterfall and just been able to be like isn't this beautiful? Yeah, it's always like what? No

Let's get away from the waterfall! I can't fucking hear you! There's a reason why in a lot of movies the disaster moment is Oh no! Oh waterfall! We're gonna die! Yeah, Vasilis, pretty cool. The majesty of it is nice. But like, it's beautiful and pictures and stuff, fantastic.

But standing next to a waterfall? Fucking hate it. Yeah, they're better fantastic, but standing next to a waterfall fucking hate it Yeah, they're better observed from a little bit of a distance if you're right next to one. They're a little loud Well, I get anyway your point stance Niagara Falls sucks take that New York. Yeah for Canada Yeah, both of them pick who you are Only just take the Americans like get it out of our country. Get that out. Get the American side down to El Salvador.

Bronto. It's a deportation joke. I don't know if it landed. I said, no, I just I'm just slow. It wasn't you. It's a funny bit. I just my brain was like, how would you even do that? What are you suggesting? How many airplanes would it take? My mind immediately thought, I don't know where El Salvador is.

Oh, down there. Out of this place, that's what I'm saying. I was like, I don't know El Salvador, New York. It's actually in Quebec. El Salvador, Quebec. This episode is brought to you by Hulu. We've waited 15 years. 15 years is more than half, less than half my life. Oh god, I'm 36.

I'm old, just like Hank Hill, newly retired, and his wife Peggy, they're back. They returned to their Texas home from the Middle East, and things are different. One thing's for sure, the alley guys are right where Hank left them. Same hill, new day. Mm-hmm. An all-new season of King of the Hill arrives on August 4th, streaming on Hulu on Disney+. You guys wanna play a game?

With you? Always. You're gonna regret that. Okay, fuck. How many easy questions, how easy? This is a very original idea. I just came up with this and I definitely wrote this all out myself and I call it Oregon Trail. Oh, dysentery is coming my way again. Yeah, well, so we've talked about this before and I'm gonna

admit something. I'm gonna be really real with you guys I've never actually factually played Oregon Trail it's like a part of my childhood in terms like how I know about computers and like I've seen it I never sat down and actually just played it so I have no idea what's gonna happen so I'm gonna be in your wagon and you guys are gonna be joint gonna happen so I'm gonna be in your wagon and you guys are gonna be joint wagon leaders and I want you to show me the majesty of the Oregon Trail. Joint? Like we're in the same wagon or we're side-by-side our own wagons? We're all in one wagon and you guys are in charge. Oh god. Don't worry buddy we got you. Okay how many grandfather clocks are we loading this bad boy up with? Well, it's important to know time.

So like at least one. Wait, also wait, who brought up nature? Wade brought up nature, right? I brought up nature. Did Mark bring up nature? No, he brought up nature. No, he did bring up nature. All right, good.

Wade, you get the segue point for nature. I'll take it. All right, I could, maybe maybe I did bring up a little bit You started with twilight, but I yeah, that's true. It was very natural natural twilight, but all right, whatever fine fuck me then Rolling my dice. Yeah and have no idols Oh man, so real talk i I've not played Oregon Trail since probably I was 10 I'll give you 10 guesses of how the game goes I'm expecting you to get me safely to the end of the Oregon Trail. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, you start in fucking

Town and you shop You got limited funds you shop for some shit and then you go There's a lot of caulking, some hunting. There's an important first step. So you guys are one body, two heads. So you're just, you're the same person because the first choice you have to make is are you a banker from Boston, a carpenter from Ohio or a farmer from Illinois? Do we get to start where that our origin is

or do we all start from Philadelphia? I don't literally don't know the first thing about how this game works Mark. I believe this is classic Oregon trail, but that's all I got for you. It's like, doesn't it start in Philadelphia or am I wrong about that? It starts somewhere over in the East.

All I know is it ends in Oregon, I assume. You'd think. Anyway, ever heard of the Dahmer Party? Anyway, you will. The Oregon Trail officially starts in Independence, Missouri. Is that where the game starts? Well, if we played it, we might find that out. Well, that's like cheating. You're already halfway there. Am I? Where's Missouri? Isn't that basically one state over from Oregon? How far could that even be? That's halfway there. Yeah. From where you started? Where are you starting that that's halfway? Missouri! It's in the Midwest! Middle! Ohio is Midwest. Yeah it's all Midwest. I think California is Midwest now. We're all

we're all Midwest. I think California is the only one that's actually West West. Probably. Well what are you? What do you do two-headed demon that leads our He is Midwest now. We're all, we're all Midwest. I think California is the only one that's actually West West. Probably. Well, what are you? What do you do two headed demon that leads our party? Carpenter, farmer or banker. Those were our three things. Those were your options.

One of us speaks in money. The other speaks in crops. We're never gonna have time to grow crops while we're on the road. Like, you know, how slow is this wagon moving? You're right. He's right. He's right about that. Six months to tend corn? That's stupid.

So, farmers out. Screw farmers. Alright. We hate farmers on this podcast. Bum-ba-dum-bum-bum-bum-bum. Hmm. If we're a banker and we sell good, we barter goods, can we charge interest? Banker gets bonus money, and then the carpenter has bonus skills I think if that's what the bonus is hours a farmer have extra food because food's usually important actually probably don't forget that No farmers farmers are out of here. They are off the list fuck farmers

I love the farmers only theme song Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob- Your body only has one profession. It's gonna be a long trail if we can't get past decision number one We can buy more grandfather clocks if we have more money. I like all marks talk about clocks I think that's a strong strategy skills are only important once we leave money's important right now. Yeah, exactly I'm hearing banker. Yeah, we could pay someone with skill on the way Yeah, and we can talk them down because we're money people and we know money better than they do. You are a baker from Boston. I'm from New York.

Fuck, Boston. Same thing. Your name is Mark Wade. You have me. Who else is in your wagon? You get three more people. So who else do you wanna bring with us? Our wife.

Tanya. Tanya, our wife Tonya Tonya our wife got it and who's number five teenage son god they did not name people as creatively as they do now back in the Oregon Trail times well I thought mark would give a name to our teenage son since I named Tonya no no no no we don't he doesn't get a name until he knows he's gonna survive until we know when he comes of age then he gets a name oh this is like a god of war he's just boy yeah boy all right our party consists of Mark Wade Bob Tanya Tonya, our wife, and teenage son. Wait, is Tonya not our wife or is Tonya our wife? No, Tonya's an unrelated person.

Hahahaha! Are these correct? Yes. Yes, yes. Alright, it's 1848. Your jumping off point is Independence, Missouri. You must decide which month to leave. That's why they got the arch,

because it's the gateway to the west. Oh. The Independence Arch, I remember that. Yeah, the Golden Gate Arch. When are we leaving? March, April, May, June, or July. Oh. Well, it is July, technically, so I guess...

Hold on, hold on. listen, Bakerhead left. Mark votes for July. What if we leave toward the end of winter, when we actually have supplies? I'm not gonna wait around until the end of winter. But we could bank more! Look, everyone knows you're warmer when you're moving and we're gonna sit around be cold all winter Are we gonna be moving and keep the heat going through the winter? Think think think

Yeah, are you thinking when your name does come first of ours? So I'll do you're right We should leave now in the heat of July and that way whenever we're getting low on supplies. It'll get cooler It'll get colder, but that's what we'll be running out of food and we've killed the farmer no we just told him to fuck off he's fine oh we killed his dreams that's what i meant and same thing honestly yeah what's a farmer without his dreams all right we're leaving in july i love this decision i can't imagine why picking the latest possible month would cause us any problems how long does this trip take by the way takes me me about like you know three four days. Yeah it's like a couple days drive. I don't even see why the leaving in the summer mattered. Any of those

months would be fine. According to pathfinder rules if you have a wagon you actually move slower than just walking so it's gonna be really slow if we play by pathfinder rules. Well that's pathfinder. But thank god we're not doing that. Yeah we dirt road all right gate master tell us what's happening next mark that's you what no it was the one talking about pathfinder rules and all this stuff well yes I'll take to get there and I said depends what system are you all right I think this is the step where we buy our grandfather clocks before we're leaving we need to buy equipment and supplies. We have $1,600, which in 19th century money, I'm pretty sure is like $30 million today.

Holy shit, we're rich banker. All right. Okay, we got the whole bank with us. All right, we have $1,600. You can buy whatever you need at Matt's general store. How many grandfather clocks you got? Why do you look at my grandfather clocks? I'll tell you, here's the strategy. Is that actually a thing you can do in this game? How many grandfather clocks you got? Why do you look at grandfather clocks? They're fat. I'll tell you, here's the strategy. Is that actually a thing you can do in this game? Okay, good.

I don't remember grandfather clocks in this game. I thought you were just throwing that out there. No, you can definitely buy grandfather clocks. Here, I'll even voice characters for you guys. Hello, I'm Matt. So you're going to Oregon. I can fix you up with what you guys. Hello I'm Matt so you're going to Oregon I can fix you up with what you need. You're even a guru are you? What? Guru? No, no maybe. Do you

need one? Nope, no don't need one. Okay. We're good. What you want first? A team of oxen to pull your wagon or clothing for both summer and winter? Well we don't need that for sure. Or plenty of food for your trip or ammunition for your guns or spare parts for your wagon. What do you want? We have to pick how many oxen food, clothes, bullets and spare parts we buy. So there's two strategies in Oregon Trail and every other strategy is wrong. I see two paths Or all grandfather clocks wait, what about the bullets? Smollets am I right all bullets hunting was the funnest part hunting this guy in hunting

No, that's a good idea. Actually, we should hunt or you know what? It does say I could press the spacebar to just leave The store then we just take our money with us and money never loses its value. We have a wagon with no locks and pulling But we have $1,600 we do have Tanya and our wife. Yeah, they could pull Tanya our wife and teenage son get out there Is how you earn your name alright ok you need at least two oxen i know that because one could die what about four oxen and you have like a santa sled kind of thing going how much money would

that even cost what do you want to see how much one costs yeah how much does one cost there are two oxen and a yoke i recommend at least three yoke of oxen i charge forty $40 a yoke. How many yoke do you want? Oh I didn't realize this was math. Fucking what the hell? This game is school. Does the yoke come with oxen? A yoke comes with two oxen. He recommends at least three of them which would be six oxen. Well this guy doesn't know what he's talking about he's an idiot. Well I know all about the Oregon Trail. All right, we need four yoke. Okay. Wait, how many yoke could we technically buy? I

Wasn't prepared to do math fucking hang on. Hang on. It's a 40 yoke. Is that 40 yoke worth? We could have 80 oxen Yes, we could buy 40 yoke worth we could have 80 oxen can we Yes, we could buy 40 yoke of oxen. Yeah, I gotta be 40 out here in my my wagon Can you eat oxen? I assume you can eat if they die then you eat them. Is that what happens? That's that's what i've known i've known you could do that unless they're sick and then you don't want to eat them 80 oxen Could get us to to oregon if needed to. I feel like that's... Yeah, how fast we haulin'. Dude, if it's like horsepower, then that's a fat little piece right there. Plus, if we need clothing, I mean, Oxenohide is commonly used for clothes, right? Commonly.

We just treat them like Ton-Tons. How about we go split it? go half ox and half grandfather clocks How many grandfather Clucks yeah, I don't know. I don't recall grandfather clocks. Also, are there other stores or is this the one store? I don't know the game I played you could buy them in independence for it says a hundred dollars but I'm guessing they don't have them. Well because that because it said I could leave the store right? Does that I assume that means there's other stores we could go to or does that just mean? I don't think so. I think that's just I think in the original it was

just one. All right so what I'm hearing is we're buying 20 yoke of oxen. Is that where we're sitting right now? All right that would still leave us 800 bucks. We might want a couple spare wheels for the wagon. Oxen don't need wheels, just drag it on the ground. Who cares? Cause we've got enough, we've got enough oxen. It doesn't really matter. Honestly, this much power, yeah,

you're hauling no matter which way you got a wheel. I don't see how this could go wrong, you're right. All right, that sounds like concurrence to me. 20 yoke of oxen it is. And the rest in bullets. You may only take 20 oxen. Apparently we picked the maximum already. All right.

Wait, it said, I put 20 and then it said, oh, you can only buy 20 and then didn't let me buy. Oh no, it said two oxen per yoke, so you can eat 10 yokes. Oh, we can only take 10. Okay, 10 yoke eat 10 yokes oh we can only take 10 okay 10 yoke 10 yokes it is boys well that only cost $400 we put on a mustache and we buy 10 more yoke people here Tanya go buy some more yokes all right whatever we'll do that then maybe I don't know food clothes food and bullets. We've begun. Do we need a gun, too?

Is there an auto fill after that? Can you just auto fill it? I can just do what he recommends He recommends 200 pounds of food per person and I see you have five people so our son's all of a sudden for We need a thousand pounds of food. oh I thought he counted as four. you're not a growing boy anymore or at least not for long. we've got a thousand pounds of food that's only 200 bucks. how much clothes do we need? I recommend taking at least two sets of clothes per person. 200 pounds of clothes. 200 pounds of food, 200 pounds of clothes 200 pounds of food 200 pounds of clothes Barely sets of clothes are one cowboy hat and one boots and that's it. So

Wait, there's no recommendation for the bullets Wade you were pretty hot on bullets He sells them in boxes of 20 is $2 a box. How many boxes do we need? Oh like at least $200 worth of bullets was that a hundred boxes? Yeah, I cannot type in a three-digit number into the slot. I'll get you 99 boxes of bullets All right. We got a hundred and ninety eight dollars of bullets. We have enough for the oxen and for Tanya She decides to get sick. We've only spent eight hundred ninety eight dollars and we did we do need some spare parts We've only spent eight hundred ninety eight dollars and we did we do need some spare parts Yep, wagon wheels and such wheel axle and tongue. There are ten dollars each. Oh boy. How many wheels hundred? Six give me a ballpark ten ten. I cannot type in a two-digit number man. There's a bunch of rules in this nine

Nine it is Our wagon may only carry three wagon wheels man What an important piece of information to have that I guess is three Good god, how many wagon axles may we hold? store, man Our wagon can only carry three axles. I'm guessing three is the number boys. All right three We spent nine hundred and eighty eight dollars. Look we're forgetting something really important here carry three axles I'm guessing three is the number boys all right three we spent nine hundred and eighty eight dollars look we're forgetting something really important here well then you're ready to start good luck you have a long and difficult journey ahead of you we don't need to say that you could say it's nice

and easy god there's sound Jesus fuck it's so loud! Oh God! I thought our seller was dying No, I just hit the button and it just went Do do do do do do do Add fucking 150% volume for some reason Did we buy medicine?

That wasn't an option We're fine What even is medicine? We don't even believe in that. It's 1840 something. But we don't have any beer or grandfather clocks either. It's July 1st, 1848 and we're leaving. The weather is warm, our health is good, our pace is steady, our rations are filling.

What do we do? Well, cut those rations. Alright change food rations. Got it. Get them down, Billy. He doesn't have a name. The options are filling, meager, or bare bones. Well, we gotta save it for winter, right?

It's gotta be meager. Meager it is. Meals are small, but adequate. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that'll get rationale up. That'll get rationale up. Not morale, rationale. We got rationale up. That'll get rationale up. Not morale, rationale. We got rationale up.

Onward. Uh, from Independence is 102 miles to the Kansas River crossing. 102 miles? We're practically all the way there. Miles traveled, zero. We're doing fine. Wait, we left the game, we're like, ugh, small lunches, small lunches. Oh wait, we're approaching a river.

Do I stop and assess? Or do we need to cross it? Yes. Our pace is good. Our rations are bigger. Assess! Assess. Oh, that just means we can stop and... Oh, we can change the pace, guys! Faster! Faster? We gotta make up ground early before things get bad.

Yeah, we should have left four months ago. We have four months to make up. Options are steady pace, a straight U. S. Pace or a grueling pace. You know which one I want. Yeah, fuck it. Let's gruel. Let's gruel right through the river. If we go fast enough at the river, we go on top of it. It's true. He's right. All right. Here we go. Boys. it it's true he's right all right here we go boys we're rivering you are now at the Kansas River crossing would you like to look around oh apparently I stopped us five pixels before we got to the automatic stop at the river crossing we've traveled 102 miles that's pretty good that's pretty good oh yeah we weren't even gruel got 940 pounds of food

health good why do we need to look around? It's a river. I mean good lord There is a bridge. Oh Are you vetoing Wade? Are we looking? No, I didn't see what was it? Wait said maybe there's a bridge are there bridges in this game. Is that a thing? Yeah, probably. Yeah, right Usually you cock or die Kansas River crossing. We're looking around. There's no bridges We can stop to rest. We can attempt to trade We can look at the map or we can get the fuck out of here I think we get the fuck out of here. What do we need to... who's tro- we just left. We just traded.

On we go. You must cross the river in order to continue. The river at this point is currently 603 feet across and 1.4 feet deep in the middle. That sounds pretty crossable. 1.4? Easy. Attempt to ford the river, cock the wagon and float it, take a ferry, or wait to see if conditions improve. Ford that shit. 1.4 feet? That's tiny. We can afford that. We're bankers. I like that face. That face is good. Oh, we're fine. That's good. That was a good thing to happen. We made the crossing successfully, guys. Yeah. Easy. See you later, Missouri.

From here, it's 82 miles to the big blue river crossing. Oh, we can make that in a day. We are gonna make that in a day. We literally made it in a day. It's one day later. We're at the blue, oh, it's like the middle of the night. How fast are we going? Wait, how? It's grueling, Mark. It's like the middle of the night. How fast are we going? Wait?

We have 40 oxygen no 40 40. Yeah. No 20 our health is fair We're at the big blue river crossing our health is fair. Our pace is still grueling. Our rations are stillager. It's still warm out. Oh health's only fair Do we need to up rations temporarily fair? I don't know what your definition of fair is fair is fair fair fair fair is fair That's what yeah, fair is fair. But what were we before we were we were better than fair good or something fine Well, we weren't even great fair is at least as good as whatever we were previously. And we're like three days from Oregon at our pace, so let's keep going. Let's keep going.

We must cross the river. At this point it's currently 222 feet across, 1.3 deep in the middle. That's even less deep. Get on it. Oh, we're going. Why are there so many rivers? I don't know. Whoever designed this place sucks. Stupid America! It was a muddy crossing, but you did not get stuck. Because it was a foot deep. Yeah, you know what they say,

over the river, no, through the river and over the woods, through... Nope. Mark, you okay? I'm gonna headbutt you a little bit. You know what they say, under the river and over the woods. Over the river, through the, through the river and through the woods, through the mountain, through we go, through, through, through. Through grandmother's house I charge.

Through, through, through, through, through. I love that song. Our wife has exhaustion? Oh god. Tell her to sleep. What the fuck? It's all that sex just wearing her out. Ugh man. Grueling am I right? At our pace. Can't she just ride in the wagon?

Yeah, what's grueling about sitting in a wagon comfortably riding across the country to Oregon? I guess it is a wagon going at a grueling pace to stick it through. You can't really... Yeah, it's fine. We found an abandoned wagon that had one set of clothing and 21 bullets in it. Loot? I guess, yeah, we looted it. It didn't even give me an option.

We just did loot it. This is barely anything. What were they even thinking? We made it to Fort Kearney, boys.! Man this is easier than I thought it would be. Yeah Fort Kearney is like in Oregon isn't it? It's July 13th 1848 we've been on the road for almost two weeks and we're already at Fort Kearney. How many miles?

200 and some miles. Where does it say that? It doesn't say that on any of these screens that's fine we have supplies uh do we want to change our pace change our rations do we want to stop and rest and do we want to buy any supplies uh we should rest we should rest a day yeah we should rest today but yeah buy supplies yeah we should do that i hope to god they have grandfather clocks at Fort Kearney. I hope so. I hope so and oxen All right, they have oxen clothing wagon wheels wagon axles wagon tongues food and leave store Oh, we might need more food. Do you more food? How's our food? We still have like over 900 pounds of food. I get to a thousand. Yeah, let's get to a thousand But we're not changing the food rations. Got it

Look winter's coming. Gonna have something to eat when we get there. There's no food in Oregon All right We're back up over a thousand up to a thousand pounds of food anything else we need I mean we haven't gone through anything right? Oxygen. We haven't lost any should I just see how many oxygen a little less Let us let us see if it'll give us more oxen. We want more oxen. I can only type in single digit numbers apparently All right one yoke. You may only take 20 oxen lie to him tell we only have two We should have thought about that before we started talking to him. That's all right. It's all right All right, let the wife rest and then we'll be on the way

Stop to rest? How many days are we resting? One. One day, got it. I mean, it's one whole day. That took our health from poor up to fair, and weather's still warm. Maybe we should go from fair to maybe one more day? Wait, was all of our health poor?

There's only one health rating and it just says health, fair. We need to go up one more notch. Can we rest one more day? Yeah, we wanna be better than fair this time. We're gonna gruel. We rested one more day. Our health is still fair. One more day, one more day.

Come on, all right. The best things come in threes. We don't wanna over commit to anything. Health is still fair. One more day, four is the magic number. One more day. Health is still fair. We have now arrested, what was that, for four days? Man, that's too much time. We need to hit the road. Just for context, we still have 20 oxen. We have 11 sets of clothes. We have 2001 bullets.

Oh wait, we only have 940 pounds of food. Oh, wait a minute. I did my math wrong. Wait, wait, wait. Yeah, hang on, hang on. Well, I'll top up the food and then we'll get out of here. Yeah, good. How much money we got left?

$587. Oh, that's more than the farmer ever had. Yeah, stupid idiot farmer thinks plants grow. On to the trail, boys. It's 250 miles to Chimney Rock. Inadequate grass? Apparently we've encountered inadequate grass. I don't know what that means.

Is that bad? Go faster, through it. There's no grass here. We're coming upon a tree stump. What do we do? Oh, we pass a grave. It was not a tree stump. It was a grave site.

Would we like to look closer at the grave site? No. Nope. All right. Onto the grueling base. Let's go. Very little water. I'm sure that's fine. Weather's hot. How many rivers have we passed?

Health is poor. Oh, hey, we're at Chimney Rock. Oh, God, man, a lot of stuff happened. Yeah, we went. We have now traveled 554 miles. Our health is poor and the weather is hot, but we reached Chimney Rock on July 24th, 1848. All right, we rest three days.

And we should probably eat something while we rest. I think our problem was we rested and didn't eat anything. So you wanna change the food rations? Yeah, give us some good food while we're here. All right, filling food rations? Yeah, give us some good food while we're here. All right, filling food rations. Three days of rest. You know what we haven't looked at yet is the map. Do we wanna look at the map or is that for losers?

No, we know where Chimney Rock is. It's right next to House Rock. Okay, okay, okay. I'm gonna, do we wanna attempt to trade? Doesn't say with whomst we could attempt to trade, but it says we could attempt to trade. Yeah, someone, it looks kinda shady. Oh wait, could attempt to trade. Yeah, someone looks kind of shady Oh, wait, that's our supplies. Yeah, we have all the same supplies. Hang on. No one wants to trade with us today

Apparently we look shady. All right. Well, we're resting for three days Was that the consensus and with with food with good food? Yeah, good food good food food rations are filling resting for three days Health went from poor to fair. Awesome. Fair has gotten us here. Do we change rations before we hit the road? How much food did that take?

That's an interesting thing that you asked. We're eight hundred seventy pounds of food right now. Jesus Christ. Three days. Well, I guess so. No, wait, that was from the travel before, right? Yeah, we started before the long the 250 mile travel with a thousand pounds of food. We're not even hunted yet, we have two thousand bullets. Yeah, we better start shooting some stuff, shit. I really wanna start shooting.

We gotta be cautious guys, we can't be willy nilly in bullets and food out there. Two thousand bullets! We can all just shoot two guns at a time and we won't run through that. I think we've got unlimited bullets over here. I mean that does sound like a lot of bullets. I sort of thought there'd be more shooting on the Oregon Trail, I'm not gonna lie. I did too, I thought we'd stop and hunt more. I thought that was gonna be kind of a big part of it.

But we're grueling, we got gruel. Alright, should we eat more as we grueling pace? I'll give you that, but you know, and if you want to hunt it's fine But we're gonna be grueling. Let's eat more for this one stretch and if it gets to be too much, we'll cut it again Okay, we're gonna continue on to the trail with filling rations at a grueling pace Do we slow down a little? No, we gruel! We gruel, we gruel. They got full bellies hey hey where are the leaders up here it's 86 miles to fort laramie it's easy oh yeah we'll be there in two minutes how much can we possibly eat 86 miles very little water health is fair oh weather's rainy heck oh we have water

yeah open your mouths water we ate down to 825 pounds of food and we have arrived at Fort Laramie that was stupid easy this game is easy, I don't know what everyone complains about yeah July 31st, 1848, Fort Laramie wherever the hell this is Fort Laramie? that's in Oregon is it? I don't know

oh okay good every place we've gotten to I've've said, is that in Oregon? We could buy supplies here, guys. Grandfathers? Food? Grandfathers food? We have 825 pounds of food. Let's buy supplies. We could buy oxen, clothing, bullets, wagon parts and food. This is stupid.

Are we buying food? Are we topping up on food? Yeah, top it off. Well, I don't know. Mr. Hunselot over here thinks that we can get some food. Why do we need to waste our money getting buying food? Are we topping up on food? Yeah, top it off. Well, I don't know. Mr. Hunselot over here thinks that we can get some food. Why do we need to waste our money getting more food? Am I topping us up to a thousand pounds of food or how much food? No, don't even top us off. We're gonna need room for all the food we're gonna hunt.

Alright, I'm buying zero pounds of food. Yeah, do we need to rest? Are we bad again? No, we don't even need to rest. That was 84 miles. It was tiny. We don't need to rest. Well, then again? No, we don't even need to rest. That was 84 miles. It was tiny We don't need a rest. Well, then we're hitting the trail, I guess Alright, and we're hunting as soon as you see that hunt pop up. It's a hundred and ninety miles to Independence Rock Wait, did we start in Independence? We started in Independence, Missouri, which is a town in Independence Circle that's not good. Maybe we should have looked at the map.

Boo's trail, we lost today. We got lost. It's fine. I think we're fine. No one looks at the map. No one dares look at a map. No maps. Weather's hot.

Health is fair. 795 pounds of food. We need to hunt. Do we want to try and hunt? Just hunt. Just give them the hunt. All right. We're going to hunt for Do we want to try and hunt? Just hunt, just give them the hunt. Alright, we're gonna hunt for food. Alright, um... Oh, this is like a game to play. Bob, you got this. You got this, Bob.

Enter key to start or stop walking, spacebar to fire, to point the rifle. This really is RNG because it's entirely out of our hands how this hunt's gonna go. Wow. Yeah, I hope I'm a good hunter, heck. Oh Oh that's why we brought you you said you were the hunter probably. I didn't realize I had to do this. Alright guys what should I kill? Animals. I got a deer. Get more than that yeah you think that's 800 pounds? I don't keep hunting. Shoot more just really lay them out just you got bullets just yeah I do have a lot of I'm just gonna go go go go go go Yeah beer Buffalo wolf rabbit squirrel. I got a squirrel. Oh Buffalo come here, dude. Yeah kill that I got a hundred and thirty four pounds of meat I was only able to carry a hundred pounds of it back to the wagon apparently cuz I'm Lizzy

Why didn't wife Tanya boy help? Yeah, I should have brought Tanya with me. That's my bed. That's my bed Why didn't our stranger wife son help all right well we got 100 pounds of food from that we're sitting at 880 pounds of food look at us wow we could even hunt one more time you know i don't really want to do that i'm not gonna i'd like to sit in the wagon some more, please. All right. Fine. Gruel. All right. We're moving again. It's hot out. Health is fair. We're 118 miles away from our next landmark.

Oregon. Oh, we lost the trail for, we got lost for five days. Oh my God. What is happening? Why? Why? Okay. Who's leading this thing?

You guys, what do you mean who's leading this thing? What kind of question is that? No, I can't be right. We would never get lost. Tanya is dysentery. Well, we didn't even know Tanya. Our health is listed as fair. Yeah, that's true. I'm not very attached to her, but I don't know Tanya. Should we just press on? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Tanya is dysentery. That's too bad. That's too bad. Very little water. All right, Tanya's just scary. That's too bad. That's too bad. Very little water or health is poor Where we've reached independent independence rock. Are we rest for five days? Well, you may this seems very arbitrary. What are you saying? You just say the stuff I say we roll a dice between one and seven and let that decide. Oh, let me just get my d7 out No, I have I have my d10 with commandments

D6 plus 1. Okay. Yeah d6 plus 1 Wade Wade D and D's this guy D and D's here's what what about D 10 minus 3? You know what? I like Mark's idea better. Mark, roll it. D20. D20 minus 13. Yes, D10 minus 3, baby. Roll 1, D10 minus 3. Oh, it's a 2. Have no idols. Negative 1 day. Press on. Alright, we're going.

Damn it. I hope Todd, you had a good negative 1 day of rest. Alright, wait, hold on. Okay. I'm beginning to think maybe that was a good idea oh really you're thinking that huh well the dice said i guess why'd you roll the dice with our health we can't have any idols so we can't idolize tanya here she'll get better it smells like shit we could have rested at least cleaned her up we if we if you're walking poop stays behind. If you're staying in one place the poop's there.

Yeah. You don't want to hang around in your own filth. You want to hang her asshole out the back of the wagon? Well, we're not having her in the wagon in case she poops all in all of her stuff, so she's gotta walk. Yeah, she's walking behind the wagon. Yeah. Okay. Well, so are we just... Negative one days of rest? We better get the fuck out of here. The dice spoke, we all agreed. Well, hold on, two of us agreed

and one of us shouldn't even be talking because they're in the back, but well, we have an official means to do to raise objections and I'm not doing it. No, Wade's happy, Wade's happy, Wade agrees. Unfair! Okay. Well, let's get it over with. It's not. Wade's happy. Wade is re- UNFAIR! Okay. Well, let's get it over with. It's not gonna go your way.

Three heads and it was fair. Three tails and it was unfair and Wade gets something. We'll decide what happens after the fact. I thought heads went to the person who called unfair. It's heads. Heads, Wade wins. Tails, Mark wins. Yeah, he wanted to rest, I think. Tails we- not only do we not rest, tails we wanted to rest I think tails. We don't only do we not arrest tails We have to cut rations too. Yeah. Well. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. It needs to be made even more fair All right, let's let's flip them gentlemen

Tails oh fuck wait, okay, just cheap To both cheat give me heads. All right, it was fair as is. To the trail, my boys. Yeah, fuckin' Tanya's dying. Better not give us anything. We're 102 miles from the South Pass. Easy. Two days, we'll be there. Weather's cool, health is poor. Let's rock this bitch. There's good air up in the pass. Oh, there is good air up high, that's true. Good air, good air. Alright, there's very little water apparently. Bob has a broken arm, what are we doing?

We didn't know you were on this trip, why are you on this trip? I'm in the wagon, you're taking me to Oregon! Since when? I thought it was us, Tanya, our wife and our son! And me, I was assumed to be there. When did he get here? He hunted for us. Why are you confused about him being here now? Oh, I guess, yeah, that makes sense.

Whatever, I'm not looking for sympathy. I just have a broken arm. Let's do this. Unless you want to stop and size up the situation, see if you should help me or... Can you walk? Yeah, oh, I can walk all right back to the grueling not broken leg yeah let's gruel all right how'd you break your arm then inadequate grass weather is hot very little water easy made it we made it to the south pass weather is hot health is. We've traveled 932 miles. All right, we rest for five days. We rest for 10 minus three days.

That's seven. D10. We have 610 pounds of food left. We rest for 10 minus three days. Come on, man. What is it? Maybe we shouldn't pay attention to this. But hey, it says, it's four. So you know, we get a day of rest. Oh, we rest for one day. All right. And we get to honor the Sabbath. So that's pretty cool. I liked my D6 plus one a lot more. I like this stupid D10 minus three.

Look, you can roll that next time and then you're gonna laugh. We rested for one day and we still have poor Alf. We're still eating filling rations. So that's good. Pretty good, right? All right, and back to the trail. How far to our next destination?

We could talk to people or attempt to trade. What's our food situation like? What did I say? 695 pounds of food right now. Could buy like a hundred pounds? Well, it's not a store. We would have to attempt to trade and see if anyone wants to trade with this.

Oh, I don't like strangers. Okay, nevermind. We don't like strangers. Oh wait, Mark likes strangers. No, he said I want him to have his opinion. All right grueling pace hit the road. Grueling pace let's go. Oh we have to do we have to choose here. We can look at the map that's not an option or we can head for Green River Crossing or Fort Bridger. How far is each one? Doesn't say. I bet the map knows. Green River sounds really cool. Sounds like it's wet. We do need water. Yeah if everyone's

gonna keep complaining about water we should probably go to where there's water. Yeah yeah. Fort River. Fort River. Fort River. Fort, yes, the most confusing fort ever named. Fort River Crossing. All right we're going to the Green River Crossing. Let's do this. We are 57, Alright, we're going to the Green River Crossing. Let's do this. We are 57, we're only 57 miles from the Green River Crossing. Our health is still poor, but the weather is cool. Let's go boys.

I feel like we're gonna make it. I think we're gonna make it. I think we're gonna make it and no one's gonna die or have any inadequate grass popped up, but whatever. That doesn't seem to really matter when we get to green river all the grass you can eat august 25th we are at the green river crossing we rest for 1d6 plus one days right here you can roll your six plus one roll it five days four plus one we're resting for five days

by the rest of August. Yeah, August kind of went by. Health went back up to fair. Fair's fair. We still have 20 oxen, 11 sets of clothings. We have 475 pounds of food and I don't have any information. Wait, we could talk to people. Can we talk to Tanya?

Is that the people we can talk to? I don't know. How does that work? Let's talk and find out. Big Louie wants to talk. Is that Tanya's middle name? Five dollars to ferry us over the Green River? Those ferrymen will take a hundred dollars before breakfast. We'll keep downriver until we find a place to forward our wagon and animals. What little money we have left we'll keep thanks big louie so we should take the ferry i don't want to go all the way down the river we should ferry there's no store is there there's no store no the river is currently 400 feet across and 20 feet deep in the middle we cannot just cross that that's 20 feet deep we can attempt to ford it we can cock the wagon and attempt to float it.

We can take the ferry or we can wait and see if conditions improve. 20 feet is not changing that dramatically. Yeah. Let me let me. I'm usually the person that's like, let's go, go, go through the river and through the woods, you know. Yes. I feel like we we should exercise caution here. I got a bad vibe Fairy all right fairy it is I almost just mistyped it and made us float our wagon hang on Number three is what we want got it 20 feet deep pretty deep a fairy operator says he will charge you five dollars

And then you will have to wait four days Are you willing to do this and we should have rested after talking to this guy cuz that's the days of rest we could have man Maybe we'll get up to good health again though. All right, fine. We'll wait. It's now September September 3rd and we're on the ferry. These ferries can't like sink or anything Can they it takes them four days to move 400 feet doesn't matter Ferry got your party and wagon safely across. Five bucks, you know, actually that was pretty good. I don't know why the guy was saying a hundred bucks, like five bucks.

That was nice. Big Louie, more like big dummy. Old cheapskate Louie over here. Alright, it's 143 miles to our next landmark, Soda Springs. We have 415 pounds of food. Health is good. What the fuck? Health is good. Oh, you should have listened to me. Get those rations down. Get those rations down. So do we want to stop and hunt here somewhere? Is that where... is that...

Alright, let's hunt, let's hunt, let's hunt. Alright, very little water it says. We're gonna hunt for food. We just crossed the fucking river! We don't have any like jars or pans or water skins this is not a good hunting ground is there an option to hollow out one of our oxen and fill it with water and have it be dragged behind I think they already have that it's called a bladder we just got a pump them full of water and then we'll get water out of I have a bear and a deer already I got another deer all, there's no way I'm gonna be able to there's no way I'm gonna be able to carry all this shit back to the thing. I'm being attacked by a bear. Okay got him Never mind. We're good. Watch out for those bears. Yeah, those bears are all right

I got us I got us 80 pounds of food for some reason I killed two bears and two deer and brought back half of one deer. Alright, well hey, you know... Well we have 485 pounds of food. And we can go to meager rations. Oh that's true. Fair health? Wait what?

Why is our health fair now? What happened? Weather's warm, health is fair, pace is grueling, rations are meager. Let's go! It's fine, we're 60 miles out from our thing literally not a single complaint up inadequate grass. It's fine. We're fine bad water Oh God, we're in Soda Springs. It's fine Coke zero actually, please whether school health is poor There's no store here, but we could attempt to trade if we so desire

I'll roll to see how long we rest why he gets a roll you did roll twice in a row Cool, health is poor. There's no store here, but we could attempt to trade if we so desire. All right, I'll roll to see how long we rest. Wait, you get to roll. You did roll twice in a row. You did twice, yeah. All right, well I got the next one. Four days, three plus one. All right, we rested four days.

It is now September 15th. You know, God only rested one. We're going back to your D10 minus three for the next one. That's all right health is fair Do we want to try and touch people or trade or anything or just get the hell out of here? Yeah, we need more food right don't need more food now. Yeah, see if anybody wants to treat Yeah, we are currently at 385 pounds of food. That's half of what I want. See this is what happens when you have filling rations No one wants to trade with us today. We must stink or something. Well, so we can hunt again I guess. Yeah, can you like bring more people along so they can carry more food? I... nope, I have very little

input honestly. Alright, then you hunt. We're going... we've got... we got to continue on the trail. It's 57 miles to Fort Hall and then I'm gonna stop and hunt on the way. Oh, you don't have bullets you got bullets we have 1,985 bullets left. I think we're good. We should be hunting a lot more than we are All right, here we go hunting time baby watch out for bears I killed a bear Nice. We're gonna a fucking fast animals over here I killed one bear and there's a bunch of demon bunnies who are running past me at a thousand miles an hour I killed the deer. Oh my god. That's the fastest deer in the history of deers, but it's fine This is great. Is this riveting gameplay as you get closer to Oregon the animals do get faster

I remember that I got us 295 pounds of food what the fuck holy shit we're up to 400 no that's not how math works we're up to 455 pounds of food that's not how math works at all did you carry any of it back I'm gonna be honest I was in the in the act of hunting I hit the spacebar and I kind of skipped the summary screen because it just ended with no warning but we have 455 pounds of food is fine we're fine that's good I swear it's where we started now we had 350 I think we got a hundred pounds from that we can go more than meager you know are we

turning up rations is that we're saying no we'll not yet but we will it's September 20th and we arrive at Fort Hall God. We're almost out of September almost When does September end someone remind me somebody somebody find me on the after the 30th day Whether it's cool health is fair. Everything else is good. They do have a store here OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH They sell all the same shit. It's 40 cents per pound of food here. Shall I top us up? Wait, 40 cents per pound of food. That's about double what it was previously. How much money we got? We have $567. Spend it on food. Grandfather clocks. I wish, dude. Now all I want in the entire world is a grandfather clock in our wagon. All right. Yeah, just get the food 300 pounds of food. Yeah 300 pounds of food. We afford that Yes, that was about $100 or how does math work? That's some number of amount of food

Yeah, we're not gonna need money out in Oregon. They got gold Falling out of the hills. They don't have food. They got really fast bears. So we want as much food as we can get all right, we have four hundred forty seven dollars and Now we have seven hundred thirty five pounds of food. We still haven't used any spare parts. We have 20 oxen Well, I feel like I feel like we're we're way ahead of the game. Are we resting? Are we 1d 10 minus 3 resting? Oh, yeah, Mark. That's your role. Can I just say we don't rest at all? No roll is three resting oh yeah mark that's your role can i just say we don't rest at all no roll six we rest for three days and do not murder while we rest are we upping the rations the rest of the way now we should up them while we're resting but then never again okay so we're leaving

it on meager rations well no up it then rest up it up it then rest yeah i definitely already rested before you even asked if we should change our rations. Cause it takes two button impresses to do that. Well then up it for a few days, then we'll lower it later. Oh yeah, fine. Up it, I guess. Are we topped on food? Topped, tipped up? We're 700 and what was it? 709? 705 pounds of food. What's tipped up? Up to a thousand? Is that tip was it? 705 pounds of food. What's tip-topped up to a thousand? Is that tip-topping it?

Yeah, top it up and then filling rations for a bit. All right, we're gonna buy 300 more pounds of food I swear it's Tonya's just shitting all this food straight out. Yeah, Tonya is really wasting it You're not getting any value out of this food We're at a thousand and five pounds of food and you want me to up the rations to filling? All right, we got filling rations. We're still in a grueling pace and our health is fair. Excellent. Gotta gruel.

Back to the trail? Yeah. Do we want to stop and hunt or anything on this next stint? No, we got food, go. All right, 182 miles to the Snake River crossing. We're going. It's gonna be good weather. Snake River, I love Snake. Impassable trail we just lost nine days

what why nine oh it is it is now October 3rd oh well I wanted to celebrate Halloween up there very little very little water health is fair very little water Bob is dysentery oh shit wow I probably caught it from Tanya. I didn't say this out front, but if I die, everyone loses this episode. We better rest! How you feeling, Bob? Shitty. Is resting an option? Oh, it is an option. Look, you could rest and die.

Or we could gruel. We grueled with Tanya. Or we could gruel and live up with Tanya or we could gruel and live how far until the next place it's a hundred hundred miles hundred miles okay all right Bob I'm gonna pull you aside you may not be the leader of this expedition but I have a feeling that when you die and it's not an if at this point, it's a when. When you die, we're all dead. So you just gotta get through these next hundred miles and don't die. Whatever you do, if you see the light ahead of you, don't go towards it. But follow the wagon because you're not riding in it because we don't want you pooping all

over our stuff. Those sets of clothes that are in pristine condition that we've never changed out of, you gotta make sure they stay safe. So when you're walking behind us, and you eventually start to get away, just remember, go faster. We're gonna keep the pace, we're not slowing down for nothing, because you're gonna make it.

And then you're gonna die. Okay, speech is over now. Allah Allah, can I stop plugging my ears now? I'm connected to your body. No, you could have listened. That was an inspirational speech for everybody. No, that wasn't private at all. Alright, back to the trail, nerds! Alright, well, you missed the most inspirational speech of your life, so that was your loss, buddy. Well, I thought you and Bob wanted a moment, so I thought I'd give you a moment.

It was a hell of a speech. There's no way I'm gonna die now. No way, no way, yeah. We're down to 795 pounds of food already, but it's fine. Well how are you gonna hunt if you're shitting yourself? That's what I'm saying. All right, there's very little water.

There's bad water. Tanya has dysentery. That's not good, it's spreading. Health is very poor. Health is very, oh, we made it. We're at the Snake River Crossing. See, told you. Oh, hope we rest a good amount of time here.

Well, we're gonna find out. It's October 12th, 1848. We're at the Snake River Crossing. Mark, we could just decide to rest for a while. Health is very poor. Are we doing Mark's role? Er, yeah, it's my role. Snake River Crossing. Where is this?

I'm looking at a map, but I'm not. Yeah. Should I look at the map or no map? You don't look at a map. I'm just going to make it. I'm going to look at a map and you look at my face and that's where we are. OK, all right. and that will judge where we are. Okay, alright.

Actually! We're at the Snake River Crossing is where we are. Yeah, we're at the- wait, no, that's- this is a completely different thing. Sorry, this went to Three Island Crossing. I'm sorry, hold on a second. Snake River Crossing, hold on. Oh. Father. Or it's close

It's either really close or really far It's gotta be close by now We've been going at a grueling pace the whole time For so long So long Alright I'm gonna roll Let's see what 10-3

We need a good rest 3 we need a good rest bud. We need a good rest Hey honor your parents 5 minus 3 two days Two whole days of rest the foods up right the foods up foods up our health went all the way up from very poor To poor do we want to try to trade or talk to any big Louie's? Maybe that's someone that can give you an inspirational speech. We have 690 pounds of food left. So we're doing okay on food I'm gonna use 300 pounds. I guess we get lost for nine days. Yeah, we spent more than a week Just randomly wandering around lost Yeah, you really think three two day stupid dice

It's okay The next one assuming everyone survives the next one will be your good roll Wade And you definitely will get a lot of days of rest on your good roll. Oh Boy, I hope so back to the trail. Let's fucking go Yeah, unless we want to try and trade or talk to people or Let's try Maybe okay, Wade. you're you're you're equal parts of this body that we share, right? Thank you for noticing. How do you feel like a bitch

or like a brave, brave, brave Oregon trailer? A poor trailer. We're a banker. We're never poor. That's true. How much money we got left? 300 and some amount of dollars $327 that's less than we once had but more than some have wait $1849 to 2025 how much is that? All right. Look we got $12,000 is that all right look we got $12,000 five people can live five people can't live but let's say four or three could right you know what I'm saying three definitely could yeah but if Bob dies we all die I don't know about that his heart is connected to ours our fates are

connected yeah that's true that's true. Alright, okay, I'll leave it to you buddy. Tell you this, you roll your dice, I'll roll my dice, I'll subtract my dice from your dice, we'll rest that many more days. If your destiny holds it true that we should rest, then your dice will beat my dice I rolled a five five plus one so it's six minus did you roll a fucking ten this time exactly six but you do minus three so that's six minus three right oh yeah if you did okay all right okay so we're resting for three days is the, is that how we're doing it? Or is it a solid number?

All right, you're right, you're right. You're so right. I forgot about my penalty. Wait, PEMDAS, are we doing PEMDAS correctly? Wait a second. Cause if we're just doing a flat D6 minus a D10, I feel like I was at a disadvantage. Yeah, I said that.

I didn't do anything. Yeah, no, I think that was his point. All right, we're resting for three more days. Oh, that'd be a five minus six. It's either three days or negative one. You got your three, you got your three. Resting for three more days and our health went from poor to still poor. Weather's cold. It's October 17th, 1848. Hey, tomorrow's my birthday boys. We gotta get moving. It's his birthday. We should probably should probably change clothes back to the is that an option i don't know he says cold it's not a it's not an option all right let's go well hit the road look at the nice clothes we bought yeah we've got all these great clothes

for later oh with this is a river crossing we have to cross the river the river is currently a thousand feet across and six feet deep in the middle six is pretty deep for a wagon and oxen isn't it? Yeah. Can we ferry without having to wait a week? We can attempt to forward it, we can cock it, we can hire an Indian to help, or we can wait to see if conditions improve. Those are the listed options. That was a new option.

I haven't seen that option. That's a new option. I like new. New option's cool. Oh, doing new stuff? Yeah, I think we hire an expert. Alright. A Shoshone guide says that he will take your wagon across the river in exchange for two sets of clothing. Will you accept this offer? We don't even need all that clothing! We got so many clothes!

Plus we can give them the clothes that we took off the dead people. Yeah! Yeah! We accept! The Shoshone guide will help float your wagon across. Wait, we're floating? I thought we were... Okay. We're floating apparently.

Yeah, but with an expert. Expert floating? Floating expertly? Everything's fine? Big river? We had no trouble floating the wagon across the river. Thousand feet was pretty long, but we were longer. Two sets of clothes clothes well bartered

alright oh yeah it's 113 miles to Fort Boise weather is cool health is poor but it is Boise that's in Oregon it is my birthday wow happy birthday happy birthday are you still on this day are you feeling better? 630 pounds of food shall we?

hunt or go oh are we stopping to hunt? no. 630 pounds pretty good. oh wait no it's his birthday. very little water it's not my birthday anymore it's now October 21st. ox wanders off. ox wanders off lose three days. nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Okay, we could've food but we just lost one we have 30 oxygen inadequate grass Damn the grass again. Oh, we made it to Fort Boise. Everything's fine. We have 510 pounds of food left Okay, who rolls this time? I've lost track. Uh, couldn't tell you your role We still have 20 oxygen parallel. We got the ox back 510 pounds of food We rest three days two plus one is three minus oh it was only a one you're looking all right we rested three days it's October 29th

our health is fair hey we're fair yeah fairs not bad there's fair are we gonna buy any supplies do I do anything here Yeah food and then we gun it straight for Oregon. Food is 45 cents a pound here. All of it! What is all of it? As much as we can afford. I'm gonna buy 500 pounds of food. We are so close to Oregon. We are so close. We're basically there. If I remember right Boise you can throw a stone and hit Oregon. We have102 left and we have 965 pounds of food there is no way that Bob dies two inches from Oregon do you want to change the rations at all or we just nah we just bought more keep it filling but gruel it

well maybe we should meager it daddies? ha ha ha daddies are fighting well yeah headbutt all right he all right he hit me so I guess he wins Wade wins violence trumps everything else let's go boys hey I've given you the whole trip at grueling grueling it is from Fort Boise it's 160 miles to the blue mountains 160 oh we're gonna get lost like six times everything's fine

everything's fine it is now now November. Weather still cool? Health still fair? Keep Wife Away, no nutting this month. Literally nothing is happening. We're just casually walking. We're now at the Blue Mountains. What an easy trip. Health is fair, weather is cold, and we're at the Blue Mountains. We can attempt a trade, there's no store. This is literally Oregon. we are in Oregon. There's no way we don't succeed from here right now. Well then we definitely don't need to rest, we just go.

Are we resting? Well Mark, it's Mark's roll, right? Mark, do you wanna roll or are we just skipping? Oh, I got a one last time I rolled, so it's negative two, so definitely no rest. All right, back to the trail, let's go. We got 860 pounds of food, let's get the hell out of here. All right, back to the trail. Let's go. We got 860 pounds of food. Let's get the hell out of here.

How far is it to the other mountains? Oh, wait, we have a choice. We can head for Fort Walla Walla or head for the Dalles. How far is each one? Do we know? Doesn't say. We could look at the map maybe if we wanted to know, but. Ah, well we don't do that.

Yeah, I didn't think so. I like the sound of of Walla Walla but the Dalles could be where the gold is I was gonna say I like the sound of the Dalles the Dalles could be where the gold is let's go Dalles the fort they've already taken all the money go into the Dalles all right no oh no I was gonna roll for now we came to we concisely we decisively concise yeah those forts never really did us any good anyway. It's 125 miles to the Dalles. Shit, let's do it. Unless we can stop and hunt,

I still have a whole shitload of bullets to shoot at stuff. Nah, nah, save them, we're gonna need them. Nah, save it for the people taking our gold. All right, let's walk to the Dalles. A thief comes during the night and steals 11 oxen. Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him. I wish I would. Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him. He's I would! Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him!

He's gone already, he came in the night. 11 oxen, that's like half. 11 oxen! They stole 11 oxen, inadequate grass. Well now we gotta shoot one to make it even again. Now we have an odd number of oxen. Very little water, severe blizzard, lose one day. Oh, should we stop and reassess?

Why did we go to the Dalles? Should we stop and reassess or should we continue? Gruul. Gruul, we're grueling. Those thieves are gonna get us. We're not gonna wait by the thieves. Bad water, health is very poor. Bob has more dysentery.

Cold, impassable trail, lose six days. It's November. What? Ah! It's November 17th. We're so close, 22 miles to the Dalles. Bob, just don't shit for 22 miles. Inadequate grass.

I'm holding it in. I'm holding it in. We made it to the Dalles. Well, Tommy, this is the end of the trail. Where else are we going? Total miles traveled 1,771. We are at the Dalles. November 19th.

Weather is cold. Health is very poor. We can talk to people, attempt to trade, rest or... Oh fuck, we gotta rest here right? Very poor? We gotta rest, yeah we gotta rest. It's your role isn't it? Yeah I think it's Mark's role. Oh ye of little faith I got an 8 minus 3 that's five days of pure rest. Five days of... He won't die. Liss die during these five days. It is gonna be almost December

by the time we're done resting. Our health went all the way up to poor. Hey! That's enough to get us there. We have 575 pounds of food and $102 and 1,982 bullets. Okay. Back to the trail, try and trade with people, or what do we think?

Yeah, well, how far are we to our next destination? Where are we going? Don't tell me until we already passed this choice, so. All right, hit the road. We're grueling. The trail divides here. You may float down the Columbia River or take the Barlow Toll Road.

What is your choice? How much is the toll? It doesn't say. That's... I read you every single word on the entire screen just now. If we float down the river, we'll have water. Everyone keeps moaning about the water situation. But also, it's winter. Poll road means it's in good condition. That's probably true.

We started this as a banker for a reason. If this was a farmer, they would be down that river like fools. If we were a carpenter, they'd be like, I can build a boat, I can build that, and they'd be dead. So we're paying the tolls? Paying the toll. Put our faith in the money. That's why we got it.

You must pay $9.50 to travel the Barlow Road. Are you willing to do this? That's so little money. Easy. Oh, pay him 10. Flex on him a bit. It's a hundred miles to the Willamette Valley. Is that where we end the trail?

God knows, Wade. I told you, I don't know the first thing about this. I thought we just had to get to Oregon. Let's gruel, boys and girls. This has gotta be the last stretch, it's gotta be. You find an abandoned wagon and there's one set of clothing inside of it. Hey, perfect.

Put it on Bob, he's shitting everywhere. Ah, broken wagon wheel. Would you like to try and repair it? No, replace. No, no, we got spares. So I just say no My option is broken wagon wheel. Would you like to try to repair it? Yes or no? No, you did not repair the broken wagon wheel. You must replace it with a spare part. Okay Yeah, I feel like if you try to repair it you would have gotten ground up in it for some reason right right right

Uneventful we have arrived at the Willamette Valley on November 30th, 1848. Excellent, and we're there. This is the end. Congratulations! You have made it to Oregon! Let's see how many points you have received. We grueled. Five people in four health, 1500 points. One wagon, 50 points. Nine oxen, 30. Oh yeah, I forgot we lost over half our oxen on that last stretch.

Stupid thief. 36 points. Eight spare wagon parts, 16 points. 10 sets of clothing, 20 points. 1,982 bullets is worth 39 points. 485 pounds of food 19 points 92 50 in cash 18 points for a total of 1698 points not gonna lie. I've never won Oregon Trail never I don't know that I did either

I've only heard that you can't win it I thought the joke was that it was so impossibly hard that if you actually finished and got to Oregon, it was like a weird miracle and you weren't supposed to do that. If there's one thing we've learned, it's gruel, hunt, pay for the ferry, and only rest in town. Guys, we made the top 10 list.

We are the sixth highest score on the top 10 list. Steven Meek has over 7K, Celynda Hines has 5,600 points, Andrew Sublette, Ezra Meeker, both in the 2000s, David Hastings also in the 2000s, and then us. What the hell?

They all cheated, ours is the only legit score. We are the sixth best, oh, should i put distractable or mark and friend or what uh distractable distractable distractable yeah we got advertisers free we know most of our fan base comes from the oregon trail leaderboards distractable is number six at 1698 points how did we do that how the hell did we do that? How the hell did we do that? Was that just the stupidest luck ever? I don't know. Yeah, I was not making good decisions I was I was doing the opposite of what I would ordinarily do in a game that entire time Grool and starve, Grool and starve

I don't understand. I don't either. We also left during the worst possible month, I would have thought, so. Yeah, well, we didn't arrive until December almost, so we traveled into winter. Yeah, that last stretch was pretty bad, but honestly, you know. Most of that was fine.

That's not what I thought the Oregon Trail was gonna be like at all, I'm not gonna lie. Well we're happy to have popped your Oregon cherry. I'm not as happy about that, but I'm happy for you. We did that for you. And I appreciate it. And Tanya, wife and boy are still alive. Yeah, Tanya survived, our wife survived, and teenage boy, teenage son survived. On top of us making it, I guess it's time to read the points. Wade, you earned points for penis nipples, naughty hours, sleepy river, segue point,

tanya, rationale, two guns at a time, an equality point, and for popping my cherry. Leaving you with nine total points. Mark, you earned points for... What in the fuck did I just say? You earned parts for... Purple mark, seizure warning mark... parts for what in the fuck did I just say you're in parts for purple mark seizure warning mark make sure you censor that editors solipsism our wife fuck farmers bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum fair is fair through the river and over the woods and D 10 minus 3 leaving you with 9 points. Oh, I've got to be honest. I got so into the Oregon trail stuff

that I sort of stopped paying as much attention to the points. So they really, they really slowed down, but that was, that was actually, I thought that was going to be miserable. I thought we were going to have to like restart. That was just fun. We did it.

It was a reason it was a great game when we were young. Yeah. Next Amazon trail. That actually is impossible. It is impossible but God it's so fun. Alright, there you go. Oregon Trail to part 2. The Amazon Trail or the Wrath of Bezos. What am I looking at? Oh this is the wrong wheel. This was for something else. I do other... I have other wheels, okay? I did- Uh, that's alright. I keep other wheels.

Are you cheating on our podcast? Maybe. How many bonus points? That's the real question. And it's three, just like it always is. Okay. Just like it always is. Gotta keep it interesting. That's good for you, Bob, because we're tied right now. Pass results.

Three, three, three, two, two, three, three, three. We never get one one our last one was on June 10th oh that was three dissent areas ago oh I had an idea for this actually I wanted to add a fuck you tile at zero points that's a good point oh yes that's clever just so that we have more up fuck them fuck them god damn it no point fuck you no point fuck them and three spins starting with happiest contributions I don't know we had some weird dreams mark had probably the least happy contribution with the which I which I'm sorry, I just have to censor again. Which weirdly enough wasn't, I think.

And I wasn't exactly the nicest during the game. Yeah, I think this is Wade, I guess. Yeah, by default. I win by default. Yeah, like Wade wasn't like painfully happy, but he was not Mark during this episode. Can't argue that, that is true. Which is funny because happiest doesn't mean funniest and I do think some of your stuff was funny Mark. It was just also it was really reckless. You really risked Tanya a lot okay and I like Tanya

I think. She shit a lot. She shit. Basically I dissed her the whole time. Donnie and I just most callbacks. Oh, what an applicable thing. Mark saw two paths. That's a callback to a previous episode. Yeah, the two paths callback was probably the best callback to another episode. I did, I did, I did, I did. We both called back to the same jokes during this one,

but Mark had the callback to the two paths. I did, I did. I'd give that to him i want to say it's mark which means that this third spin will be the deciding factor unless there's no point fuck you i'm certain it won't land on no point fuck you just to give it to myself or a point for bob don't do that oh wait what happens if we oh that'shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uh for me with 11 points, Wade takes the Oregon Trail victory. Woohoo! I'm on a losing streak. I was doing so good.

Didn't you host the last episode that I won to host this one? I'm on a losing streak. God, I'm on such a bad losing streak. He's lost one in a row now. One loss in a row. I know, I know. Yeah, feel only so bad for me.

You might have a sponsored loser's speech. Oh, he do. Wade, why don't you go ahead and give your winner's speech first. Well, I thought this was a really fun episode that harkened me back to the days of my youth. And I really enjoyed Oregon Trail. And back then we didn't have nearly as many gaming options. I remember it was like we had Mavis Beacon typing, which was kind of like a game, and then it was Oregon Trail, in school at least.

I mean at home I guess there were other options, but like in school getting a day to play Oregon Trail was so cool. So it was really nice to play it again. Thank you. Today's Loser's Speech is brought to us by Venmo. You've probably heard of Venmo, but did you know that Venmo is for more than paying your friends back? With the Venmo debit card, you could spend your balance in so many ways. You can Venmo this and that and, well, everything. Sadly for Mark, he couldn't Venmo

his way out of being today's loser, but that's okay. You have a speech, bud? Loser speech for the loser? So, thank you for taking all of my advice. I do credit myself with the win of Oregon Trail as a whole, but you know, I still lost and that doesn't feel fair, but hey, it's probably not fair. Well, what can you do? It's almost definitely not fair. I mean, we all made it to Oregon and somehow Mark was the only one of all three of us that lost.

It's weird. Yeah. If only I could toss the coin, but Wade wasted it by, you know, arguing about resting. I think that was strategical. Wade knew the outcome would be weighted in his favor and he burned that before he could. Anyway. Well, thanks. Is that are y'all done? Yeah, I'll find a way to pay my friends back. I don't like that very much. Oh, Bob and I will determine the amount you owe us.

Yeah, I'll send you a request. E E B I T to learn more. Venmo purchase restrictions apply. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the VanCorp Bank and a pursuant to license by MasterCard International Incorporated. Card may be used everywhere. MasterCard is accepted. Good game boys. That was fun. I was honestly unsure if that would work and I can't tell if anyone other than myself had a lot of fun with it, but I enjoyed that immensely. Wade said he had fun. I believe you. Listeners, viewers, thanks so much for hanging out through this. Don't worry, I didn't show anything on screen, so if you only listened you didn't miss anything. If you thought there should have been information that you didn't hear, it's just because we didn't explain it at all. It's not just you, nobody got that, it's fine.

Make sure you follow the podcast so that you get notifications when episodes go live. Make sure you follow all of us on our socials and other platforms Markiplier Lord minion 777 minion 777 7 How many 737 and my scrim that is it for this episode mark? Mark's not gonna host the next one cuz he's a loser Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry that got mean I got mean sorry Wade's gonna host the next one good Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, that got mean, that got mean, sorry. Wade's gonna host the next one. Good job, Wade. Until then, thanks for watching and listening, and that's it. Podcast out.