Distractible - Perfect Crime

Episode Date: July 26, 2021

This week Mark, Wade and Bob answer the age-old hypothetical question: what is the "perfect crime?" Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable, a Wood Elf production, with your hosts, the brilliant Bob, majestic Mark, and witty Wade. This week, the side-splitting tri-form of comedy honed their sights on conundrums that would defeat a Holmes, Marple, or Columbo. For today, they discuss the perfect crime. Please prepare thy deer hunter hats and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to Distractible, where we discuss anything that interests us and two of us compete to see who can bring the most interesting and or dumbest sounding story they can imagine. Whoever brings the best story, as judged by me arbitrarily will be declared the winner of this episode and earns the right to host next week's episode since i won such a stunning mind-blowing victory last time i get

to be the judge like i said i'm pretty excited about that but before we get into all the shenanigans and whatnot so i'm joined of course by mark and wade my co-hosts. Hello. Hello. Hello. You matched my cadence. I appreciate it. You're welcome. You can stop. It's okay. Oh, thank God. I appreciate it.

It's over now. That doesn't have to happen anymore. How are you? How is your time on living going? Man. Good. You all right, man? Yeah, I'm fine.

Better before you worded a question like that, I think think now i'm a little concerned about my time living you gotta enjoy it while you're still alive right are you enjoying it yeah i think so yeah yeah man life's good life's real good i recently got a new bed i don't know if you guys care i'm not gonna say the the brand because it's not we're not sponsored yet But it's a bed that has it like active water cooling in it. Oh shit legitimately. It's a bed It's got a little like pump and it's got a little like fan radiator that you put by the side And it keeps everything cool and so as a challenge last night I turned it up to its maximum coldness and let me tell you I think it's frigid I was sleeping in a hoodie because it was so cold and I turned it up to its maximum coldness. And let me tell you, that thing gets frigid. I was sleeping in a hoodie because it was so cold.

And I loved it. Did you think about maybe turning the temperature back up? No, no, no, no. Why would I do that? It can get cold. Dude, that sounds amazing. That sounds like my actual dream. It is amazing.

Like, no joke. It's not like fake in terms of its advertising. It gets freaking cold. i love that i just want to always be cold when i go to bed is it like the whole bed or is it like half and half so like it's split into two sections so like you can temperature control each side right is it like uh one person half or like cuts you in half no one stop at bottom it's either top half cold or bottom half cold. It can't be both. Or diagonal.

It could be a diagonal cut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a nonsense bed. That sounds sick, though. Yeah, I want random spots across my back to be hot and cold intermittently. I want to wake up in a nightmare. Oh, yeah, like a plaid pattern or something. Yeah.

Is that classy and self--contained or are you sleeping on like an early 2000s computer liquid cooling rig with like a tank on the side? No, it's actually fantastic. It's not uncomfortable to sleep on. It's just like a fully, we got the bed and the top because it's like the actual radiative part is like this, almost

like mattress cover you put on and zip it up to their mattress and you can kind of feel the water pipes running through it, but it's really not that bad it's uh it's quite nice i like it a lot how much is a 16 core water cooled 4080 ti bed i'm not gonna say because i don't want to talk about the thing itself until they pay us money wow it's like sleeping on plumbing but kind of comfortable they better sponsor us company who definitely knows who you are and listens to this. They have all my information. They know exactly where I am.

They know how I sleep. That's the only problem with it is it's got very sketchy data collection about your sleep patterns. Oh, no. And so it knows my heart rate, my breathing rate. And, of course, this is all for your health. But you have to sign up for an account with their app. Oh, that's not good. And I'm sure it communicates it back so they know exactly my sleep.

Is it going to get text in the middle of the night if I get up? Why aren't you asleep? Is your bed like a Peloton? It's like a subscription service bed. If you don't subscribe, you don't get the cooling features and stuff. It's just a normal bed. It's like, man, 50 bucks a month? Damn it.

It just folds in half, keeps you from even laying on it. Some guy named Jerry's going to call me up the next day like, Hey, you weren't sleeping so good last night. You okay? You all right, man? Just starts to see a bunch of really weird tabloid headlines about your sleep patterns. Like, what the fuck? Kind of weird ass conjecture.

Oh no, the mattress. On June 17th, Markiplier awoke at 6.30 a.m. 6.30! Why? We'll find out why he wasn't sleeping that well that night bad news coming to you live i mean i do get up at 5 45 in the morning so well therefore you were awake oh my god i predicted the past yeah man is there a job for that no dude speaking of sleeping and or not sleeping i don't know what's happened

but in the last week i've lost the ability to sleep even when i'm exhausted i lay in bed and i just start having like crazy fever dreams of like bo burnham's inside playing on repeat in my head at all hours i was up until like 4 or 5 a.m last night and the night before just like can't stay asleep but i'm exhausted i think i need one of your magic beds mark yeah my magic beds that i make or i have an alternative join me more often on gtarp and then stay up till 6 in the morning and then have to get up at like 10 or 11 and be so tired that every night when you do lay down you pass out immediately i've solved my insomnia just don't get enough sleep i'm willing to try stuff at this point you guys want to play right now you busy rp no i can stop and look we're

here to do something okay that's enough small talk very sleep focused small top this week but it's fine we're here to play a game do you like games uh yeah i like games good well this one has no rules and the outcome is completely arbitrary but i'm sure you'll enjoy it okay this week's prompt is what is your perfect crime i feel like i have this i think most people have this i'm sure you've thought of like maybe you had a job or there was some situation where you had some knowledge or access to something and you were like you know what i am the one person in the world where i could do this i could steal this thing or i could do this one thing and get away with it no one would ever suspect me and i can pull it off perfectly to be clear this is a crime

we would do not one we have already gotten away with yeah don't describe clear, this is a crime we would do, not one we have already gotten away with. Yeah, don't describe past acts. This is a new theoretical crime. I just googled what the statute of limitations is. I mean, it's up to you. If you can get in trouble

but you want to win that badly, then do what you're going to do. You can invent anything you want. It could be a crime that only you could commit. Steal your own rectum or something. I don't know. I typed in statue of limitations. It's very different than the statue.

The statue of limitations is just a really boring statue that had all these rules about how it had to look. Very limited. Okay. Non-violent felonies committed by a minor. Two years, so I'm good. No, that's Connecticut. Ah, shit. Non-violent felonies committed by a minor. What so i'm good no that's connecticut oh shit non-violent

felonies committed by a minor what the hell better make sure you're covered very careful i'm not saying i did anything particularly heinous but you know just like if i want to start talking about things i better be ready your perfect crime would be a non-violent felony and committed by a minor i got away with it didn't i am i in jail right now no yeah i mean as far as i could tell it was perfect because he did get away with it i assume it was the perfect crime yeah it was a perfect crime all right well the tradition is for you to do titles or whatever it sounds like wade's still thinking don't mark you you got a title well i don't even know my title but let me great give me give me five seconds i don't even know my crime this is a concerning pattern we have where i feel like

people are starting to be like, no, you go first. No time. Make it up. No, I want to go first. I just, you didn't give us any time to think about it. Oh, okay. Well, we'll edit in like the Jeopardy theme or something, but not, you know, copyright free version.

A royalty free version of the Jeopardy theme. The Jeopardy theme where all the intervals are inverted. That sounds horrifying. Finish it out, Will. Is your name Will, motherfucker? Where there's a Will, there's a Wade. You're supposed to be thinking right now. I came up with something.

I know for a fact you can't think and talk. Done. Title. My player two. Oh, I've got an even you can't think and talk. Done. Title. My Player 2. Oh, I've got an even better story. Okay, well. See, Mark's out here thinking. Let me come up with a title for this one. It makes me look terrible and stupid, but

it's fine. You ready? Are you guys ready for it? Oh, yeah. The title is called I Did It For Love. Oh, okay. Alright, so Mark, we've got I Did It For Love. Oh, okay. All right. So, Mark, we've got I Did It For Love. Are you sticking with yours, Wade?

My player, too? I'll think about it. I'll let Mark go first, like I said. Maybe I will. No, no. Come on. Come on. Play the game.

Otherwise, this whole show falls apart. I just yelled something. No, I'm keeping player two, and I'll make it fit. Just because I'm super curious, I actually do want to hear mark's first i knew i know i'm totally letting wade cop out and think even though he's not gonna think he's just gonna say some bullshit i had a crime ready sure yeah who did you do it for who's love okay all right so i think i was 15 years old at the time i'm not 100 sure but something like that maybe 14 and so there's a preview story of this

that I have to explain because it kind of sets up the reasoning of why I did this. So it was like sophomore year at homecoming and I'm going with no date. I'm just going with some friends. And I could get into more description of this evening, but let's just say in summary i went there alone and i left there not alone you know what i mean yeah um no not nice all right not nice because one of my friends came with a date oh and i don't really remember how one event led to another but at some point during the dance uh i received my first kiss from their date at homecoming you're not invited to my house anymore this isn't the perfect crime this is a setup for this right okay so like i accidentally or

intentionally or i didn't care i stole one of my friend's dates for homecoming. And so like long story short, we were going to hang out at a later date. And I think it was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was having their midnight release premiere thing the following week. Dude, I went to the midnight release of that one too. Yeah, yeah. So did I kind of. Was that the one that came out before Order of the Phoenix? Yeah, that's the fourth one. Okay.

Yeah, the fourth one. Got it. Yeah. So this person, the fourth one. Got it. Yeah. So this person, I forget what their name is, so I'm going to call them... Smithers. Yeah, okay, Smithers. Yeah, so Smithers wanted to go out to the midnight premiere

of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and invited me, and we were going to make it like a date, but they were also going to be like with friends. Um, and I dumb name Smithers. Yeah. So Smithers really wanted me to come along to this and I really wanted to go, but I, you know, I had a very strict bedtime, you know, 10 o'clock and I'm in bed and I can't go out. So I planned it perfectly that I was going to sneak out and go to this movie premiere and like i had everything prepared i went to bed i waited to hear my dad and my mom go to bed and i like waited another 30 minutes i slept in my bed with my clothes on because i was ready and so i when the time comes and i hear them close the door and

although it's quiet for a while i slowly get out of bed. You know, it's squeaking, but I'm like being real careful about it. And like, I'm tiptoeing as carefully as I can. And before I left, just in case they came in my room and were wondering where I was, I left a little note being like, you know, I went to a movie premiere. I'll come back to that note later because it's important, but like I'll get it at the end. Um, so I sneak out of the house and i don't go out the front door i go out the back door it's not like our doors had like beep beep alarms or anything but i just thought the front door was not sneaky enough oh too obvious yeah too obvious right sure so i sneak out the back and like we have a sliding door in the back and it also is like way squeakier and

way louder you know how sliding doors are? When they're old and they got dirt in there. And so. It's like an earthquake. Yeah, exactly. I sneak out the back and I creep around the side. But I don't go around the side where my parents' bedroom is. Because they could see me.

Even though there's no windows that look out. The side yard. When I sneak out that way, I went around the other way. Through the gravel. The very loud, crunchy gravel. So I sneak out the side yard when i actually got that way i went around the other way through the gravel the very loud crunchy gravel so i sneak out the side and i get in the car which i had i was like still learning how to drive so technically i guess i was going to be driving illegally anyway but i didn't care because i was doing it for love and so i uh got in my car and for some reason my dumb ass you know didn't put it in neutral and like roll it out of the driveway.

No, I just turned that baby on in the driveway and then I flipped the lights for some reason. Like just blasting the house with lights. I'm like, oh shit. And I waited a few minutes in the car. Like I was waiting for the comical like light in my parents' bedroom to turn on. What was that? So sneaky. So sneaky. So sneaky.

And then I roll the car out of the driveway and I drive to the movie theater. And at this point, I had taken so long to get out of the house. You know, because the midnight premiere isn't always at midnight. It's sometimes at 11. Sure. So I think I snuck out at 1030. But it took me half an hour to go from my bedroom down the hall downstairs out the back through the gravel path and then in the car and out so by the time I was leaving it was 11 o'clock

so I get to the movie theater and there's no line or nothing it's like because everyone's in the theater watching the movie like every every single one is open so everyone's already in and so like here I am like and I don't think I had a cell phone at this point. So I couldn't like text them and say hey I'm here which theater are you in? And so what I did was I got a ticket because it was like yeah I'll take a ticket. Because it doesn't matter just get a ticket and you go in. And so I didn't know where they were. So what I did was I poked my head in every single one of the theaters. Leaned over and just kind of scanned the crowd for a bit.

And like people were like looking at me all shifty like what the fuck is going on with this guy and i'm like where are you smithers where are you and so not that theater so i go over to the next theater dumb name and i'm catching like snippets of harry potter as i go into like the rooms at one at a time and i go into every single movie theater and i could not find smithers no matter how hard i looked and at that point it got so far into the movie that i was just like man i'm missing out on the movie so i just went into a random ass theater and just sat in one of the handicapped seats and i was like i might as well watch it i'm here so i watched the movie didn't find him i waited outside when

everyone was filing out of the movie theater and i couldn't find them smithers was nowhere to be seen so i i go back into my car and i'm like scanning around and i wait until everyone leaves the parking lot i'm like oh my god they're not here i'm all alone so like and then in part of my perfect planning i drive back home and i fill up the gas tank perfectly because i remembered exactly where it was i thought desperately about how to roll back the odometer to make sure that it wasn't any indication that i was out that night because of course i thought my dad would check first thing in the morning what the odometer was or even remember and so i like snuck it into the driveway I retrace my steps going back through the gravel

path and in through the sliding door which I had left unlocked sneak up to my room and I just look at the note that I wrote and it was the stupidest note because it said like dad comma I know you're probably worried about me but don't be I snuck out and I, to go see, like, Smithers at the movie theater. I know you probably think less of me for this, but just know that I did it for love. Signed, I think I wrote sincerely,

Mark. Do you need to put it in an alternate name? Do we need to edit in something for dad and Mark so they don't know it's you? And your dad? No, no, it's fine. I don't think people are going to be confused that it's their dad. I love the vignette of your dad. He hears the car driving away and peeks out the window stealthily as you're driving away. And is like, oh, no, he didn't.

And then just goes to your room and picks up the letter. And it's just there reading it like, oh, no, I don't think less of you at all, son. You go get smithers oh that's my point and he just like puts the note back and is like i'll just pretend it's fine such a well-crafted plan oh god and and really like i got away with it but honestly there was nothing really to get away with but i didn't even go on a date i just saw like two thirds of Harry Potter and you just went and saw a movie by yourself in a movie theater that could not be more crowded where there was only one handicapped seat

and it was like right by the path that goes out the exit so I just like sat down there and just watched two thirds I still to this day don't think I've seen the beginning of Goblet of Fire well it's too sad at this point it's painful well Harry probably starts off with the dursleys and goes to school so there you go you're welcome all right autumn thanks man

you're welcome thank you yeah so that is that is my perfect crime that i did for love literally no one was any the wiser i love it was anybody loved uh no actually great sadly no because i like the quote-unquote relationship between me and smithers kind of fizzled out after that they kind of stopped responding to me so i should just get more desperate i was hoping you'd be like i started by peeking in i didn't find them and then i just resorted to just running from theater to theater and just peeking around the corner be like smithers smithers! Smithers! See if anyone looks. A whole movie theater full of hundreds of people's

experience of Harry Potter was ruined because trying to find Smithers. I'd like to think I'm like awakening some strange memory in someone who went to this premiere and they're like, yeah, this weird guy walked into our movie theater. It was very strange. Just like looking around shouting for Smithers! Smithers, are you here? Smithers, it's me, my love! I'm curious around shouting for smithers smithers are

you here smithers it's me my love curious if i know who smithers and the boo are yeah anyway so that's my perfect crime no one will ever know no one will ever know so this is unrelated but it's a picture that i've saved across multiple cell phones and for quite a while and I believe it's from the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire that I went to because it's a picture a very grainy old android picture that I have currently saved on my phone of a theater sign that just says Harry three dicks because it's Harry Potter 3D IMAX or something, but it was just like the way the sign cut everything off, and it just says Harry Three Dicks outside of a theater.

And to this day, it's the funniest thing I think I've ever seen. Doesn't really match your love story, though. I gotta be honest. No, no, no. And I don't even know if you could call that a love story, because there really was no love, and I hope that somewhere in my parents' house that letter is saved. Unless for some reason I would believe that I burned it.

I believe that I probably burned it. 100%. There could be no evidence. You got back. You had like a trash bag sitting. You put your clothes that you wore into a trash bag so you could take them separately to be disposed of. So they wouldn't smell the popcorn butter on your clothes when they were doing your laundry the whole thing yeah oh man i feel like everyone has done that i don't have a specific story about sneaking out but like all of

those things you described are such big emotions from my childhood our back door was so fucking squeaky and the way my parents have the way my parents house is structured the back door is like under their bedroom you know and there's actually like a laundry chute from their closet to a closet that's right by the back door which is also by the garage door so there's like no good way out i have so many memories of i mean i was a good kid don't listen to this mom and dad but i have so many memories of like getting to the back door and just like taking one tiny step at a time and then unlock the lock and it clicks and then echoes through the whole house like all that stuff yeah kids are morons pretty dumb very dumb but also get away with it i guess perfect. Literally, no one was hurt.

That may be your pride. And no one was caught. I wonder how Smithers is doing. Hope they're okay. Call them up. Smithers, do you want to come on the show? Smithers, you went to a voice changer interview on the show where we only call you Smithers and you have like that low, like...

Yeah, I remember that movie. It was a fun night i wish mark had been there though oh no i like to think they're on like a really torn up couch like in a one room like apartment sitting there watching like a really tiny like 1950s tv but they've got like it tuned in somehow where they can listen to the audio for the podcast where there's nothing but snowy static on their screen they're smoking a cigar and they hear that off and they're like you know what i would like to come on the show and they put out the cigar and they go to a library they log into facebook or something and try to reach out

to us yeah that's your life smithers reach out we want to hear it i really liked it in your head an old 1950s black and white tv and facebook are the same level of outdated technology that one person has access to. That's what everyone born after us thinks anyway. Wow. Well, good story, Mark. Definitely some points for that. Points for you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. X number of points. Ooh, good number. Wade, did we sufficiently stall for you to come up with something? Yeah, so I had two stories. I forgot them both, so I'm still going to end up winging it. All right.

Well, are you sticking with my player two title? My player two. It's perfect. It's going to make so much sense. All right. So you know how some people meet via online forums, or they'll have those text dating things where you meet somebody, you don't actually talk with your voice or video or photo or anything you're just gonna get to know each other via messaging

online uh-huh sure like texting yeah but typically more like through your pc not like through your phone oh like chat rooms and stuff yeah that kind of thing cool so you go on you make a username get like a little avatar or something maybe and you meet someone you connect you get to know them a little bit right and eventually you find out plenty of info you plan like maybe a date and you figure out where they live to go pick them up one night or something okay but you stall that first meeting okay you figure out where they live at and you know what you do you go apply to become security there at their house in a perfect world it's more like an apartment complex in this scenario right okay if it's a house you break up and you find someone else i have to tell you i recognize the tone of voice that you're using right now and it's making me really concerned about the trajectory of

this story but i'm going to allow you to continue this is a perfect crime is it not oh let's see it doesn't have to be about like murdering someone or something this is getting a little murdery already i'm i'm just concerned it might be murdery we'll find out oh good all right so you get to be security there right so you get to be security you figure out okay well they said to pick them up an apartment so and so and so and so and you get to see what they look like you see them you kind of learn their routine you don't like spy on them stalk them like go sit outside their door or anything but you kind of figure out when they're there when they're not there so here you know what we'll go we'll even dodge the murdery you're welcome oh good so you don't need to do anything but you do wait till like maybe they're like hey

i'm gonna be out of town for a while and you go and as security you access their apartment you go in you get on their computer you find their account where they're logging in and chatting with you and you send messages to this stud muffin that they're talking to and then you run home and you message back and then you get to be your own player too and when they come that they're talking to and then you run home and you message back and then you get to be your own player too and when they come back they're very confused perfect crime i cut out like nine tenths of that for you to dodge the murder you're welcome well i have to say it barely seems like a crime if you cut out the murder i guess oh it's breaking and entering yeah well only a little plus you know no one was there so is it really a? Is it not a crime to break into someone's house when they're not home?

I'm pretty sure. If I've learned anything from TV, it's that you can do whatever you want as long as there's a camera on you and no one else is watching. Wait, what crime did Mark commit? Didn't he just, like, break his dad's rules? House leavery. Yeah, exactly. Is house leavery worse than breaking and entering?

Grand take auto. I did drive without a license. Oh, yeah, that's probably illegal. Yeah, that's very illegal. Extremely illegal. Super illegal. You know what? I lockpicked into their apartment without a lockpicker person.

Locksmith is the word. But maybe you were doing it for security reasons. All right. So you don't like the being your own player, too. I've got another one here. I'm just curious the payoff for that. Who's better for you than you? Fuck that person.

Well, so i'm getting at something here you get to flirt fuck yourself via text i know it's not the same if it's not from a house you've broken into but couldn't you accomplish essentially that exact same thing without any of the hassle of getting a different job and breaking into a place and couldn't you just have some other account on some other computer or something oh god boring who suffers in that scenario i mean it sounds like the only one suffering in any of this is really you but that's for reasons unrelated to the criminal aspects loneliness should be a crime how about you try your second story all right well i'm well prepared for the second story and I've thought it out a whole lot. Good.

Lots of details. Lay it out. Can this be murder or are we dodging the murdery? You can murder. Go ahead. You know what? I don't have to murder. I got it.

I don't got it. Alright. What do you guys think of water balloons? They're nice, right? Big fan of water balloons, man. I like water balloons yeah all right so what if i had like one of those wagons full of water balloons okay one of those wagons we talked about these on the show like the red wagon with like the wood thing around

okay okay like a like a removable side red wagon okay like normal normal pulley wagon okay so you get a bunch of water balloons however much it takes to fill up they're ready to go these are water balloons that are ready to go and uh you go to like a park okay a park where people are having picnics walking their dogs doing that kind of thing like you know just a good old-fashioned relaxing park you find a spot kind of like hidden where not too many people go but it's still within range of like being at the park And you bring a shovel you dig a hole And you put the water balloons in there and you kind of loosely cover them up to where they're not gonna pop from like The weight but like they're still covered. Okay, you get the wagon you get out of there and you come back at a later date

Next day same day, whatever and you dig out the water balloons It's like a crowded, warm day. And you just start launching them at people. Where it's like Armageddon of water balloons. And if they start to catch on where they're coming from, you fucking book it out of there. Perfect crime. Did I do it that time? Is that a good crime?

I guess I'm trying. I'll call it, the title is the park wettening. Moistening of the Park. Yeah, I was going to say that kind of just sounds like you mispronounced The Park Wettening. All right, The Moistening of the Park. I feel like there could be way more that could be done in terms of the perfect crime. All right, the water balloons are full of syrup. That's better.

I still struggle to find any serious criminal activity in that story. A serious criminal activity. Okay. It's more like a public nuisance. They're full of oh my god that escalated is that a crime that's definitely crime yeah yeah i got there yeah i got it battery acid balloons i don't know if that's perfect though i feel like you're just standing in front of a crowd of people throwing acid balloons at them they definitely know it was you you build a catapult and you launch them okay you're still standing in kind of a public place it'd be hard to conceal the sounds and activities of a catapult you invent a jet pack and you fly way overhead where they can't see you okay so you're sort of

jet pack hand bombing people with acid balloons yeah i would steer away from like acid stuff because like those are actual attacks that happen and they're horribly disfiguring and they're pretty depressing to talk about all right uh well we'll go back to syrup syrup with oh criminal levels of sugar you're gonna get so much sugar you get throw up you're trying to induce hyperglycemia you know what i got it okay fuck the ass and fuck the syrup what you do is you build a shrink ray Okay, and you become like a monkey tamer and you tame a bunch of monkeys and shrink them and you give the monkeys little tiny Shrunken life jackets, okay, and you put them in the balloons fill them with water But you leave enough air to where the monkeys can float and get some oxygen and what you do is

You get a small plane and you fly over the park and you drop your monkey bombs. Okay. But it's like the, remember the egg drop thing in physics where you drop the thing and the egg has to be okay. So you get to where the monkeys land safely because of their life jackets and balloons. Maybe you cover them in peanut butter or whatever the hell. But you train them to run around and steal everyone's valuables. And they're so small that it's hard to detect them. All they can see is like their watch running away.

And then they meet up in an undisclosed location. But you got some other monkeys that are trained to make sure they're not followed. If they're followed, they're like, you're ex-monk-monkicated. There's a pun in there. And then you get rich from the trained tiny water balloon monkeys. That actually is a fascinating idea. Thank you. Not 100% with it.

But like, okay, what if you trained a monkey to kill? Like, legitimately, what if you, I'm not saying this is a good idea. Sure. But if you trained a monkey and, like, showed him a picture of someone and you, like, psychologically tortured the monkey. And I'm not saying do this. This is, like, obviously this is what a horrible person would do. But what would happen if that monkey was successful in its mission? horrible person would do but what would happen if that monkey was successful in its mission like you made an assassin chimp and you just let loose and it's like a guided missile because this monkey

is like on the prowl for this one target and you like release it into the ventilation system of the building and like i don't know what would happen if a monkey that you trained it's not like it's gonna squeal on you like if a monkey just like somehow got into the vent like what are you gonna what are you gonna do like you teach it how to ride public transit so it knows exactly what the stops are. I mean, if we're in a comic book, no one has any ideas. You're the brilliant supervillain, the zookeeper, who trains exotic animals and they do your bidding. And yeah, sure, maybe if you build a reputation,

people will know, but no one will ever figure it out. I think if we live in the real world, it would be pretty hard to get a monkey without there being some sort of record and it would be even harder to have a monkey without that showing in your like financial records no no no you get rich enough to have like a private jet and then you just fly to where monkeys live and you get a monkey and you fly back on your private jet i feel like if you are able to get a monkey you already exist kind of outside the realm because I don't know if it's legal to own a chimp.

I'm pretty sure it's probably not. Okay, just move to a place where there's monkeys and just live there. Go to the monkeys. Don't bring them to you. No, no, no. I mean, like, if you're there, you're already in the realm of kind of living outside the law. So people don't know that you have a monkey is what I'm saying.

It's illegal to live in a country where monkeys run around? No, no, no. That's not what I'm saying. You're misconstruing my ideas. Of course. I'm saying if in America, if you have access to monkeys, no one's going to know that you have a monkey, right? Because you got the monkey to kill all the people that gave you the monkey.

Oh. And then everything is a closed loop from start to finish. You train three monkeys, one to go after the people that sold you The monkeys one to kill the other monkey so it doesn't squeal and then the one to complete the mission This is sounding kind of murdery with the killing. That's the entire premise of this. The perfect crime has to be the most heinous possible It's about getting away with the absolute utmost most devious thing that you can and getting away with it perfectly, right? Bob am I wrong? wrong uh i'm gonna go with yes absolutely 100 correct all right so my water balloons are full of uh uh damn it they're

still monkeys i don't think you can improve on monkey water balloons i gotta be honest they're tiny monkeys that they hold hands and get into a circle and they go around someone's neck but they slowly like one monkey leaves it's like duck duck goose one monkey leaves one monkey leaves until like the the group is so tight knit that it's choking you to death with a circle a monkey necklace yeah but that's the question what is the most heinous crime like you could blow up like the world but that that not necessarily a crime i don't think there's a law written for don't blow up the world i think it's eating the last chicken wing and not offering it to someone god you think so small think big death okay come on think bigger i think the most heinous crime has to involve like the limits of human technology what you

got to do is you find someone who's just like deeply in love like a couple of people that are deeply in love and then you figure out which one would be easier to sort of you know snatch up whatever you're a rich person so that's easy to accomplish i assume and what you do is you put the one that you've taken on a spaceship you buy out all the seats on a virgin galactic flight and you rig it so that it doesn't just go into low orbit and then come back and land and everything. It goes permanently into a geostationary orbit directly above the home of the lover that you stole them away from. And you angle the Virgin Galactic space plane, whatever the hell it is, their craft. There's a big reflective bottom on it, I assume, because space stuff. Angle it so that it shines the light of the moon or the sun or whatever you can catch

directly onto the house that the lover lives in, into the windows. Their entire life is ruined by the existence of the spacecraft that houses their beloved in space where they shall never reach them. Plenty of plenty of food air and water by the way on the spacecraft not trying to kill the person but you just have them endlessly suspended a couple hundred thousand feet above the love of their life and they just know like this is not going to end well there's nothing they can do you can't just go into space on your own that would be such torment right yeah yeah but. Yeah. But I mean, like, crime. I'm thinking like, you know, comic book levels of heinous crimes.

Like stealing Mount Rushmore. How would you perfectly steal Mount Rushmore? Or like the Eiffel Tower? Well, you take my monkey shrink ray. You have a monkey shrink ray? Just specifically for monkeys? Or operated by monkeys? Well, that's what I used it for primarily.

But you just hit Mount Rushmore with it. It becomes like a small little rock you put in your pocket and you got Mount Rushmore. Okay, well, if we're in the world of magic technology, then I guess you could just do anything with that. Oh, condensing and atoms, isn't that out of the realm of possibility? I think the way that you steal Mount Rushmore is not by actually like taking possession of it. And you don't like put other faces on it or something that would basically be impossible. But you artistically alter the faces so they're like really off-putting oh it's like when people restore art and they do a really bad job of restoring the art but you do it from out

rushmore damn i'm just gonna call art restorers out like that but yeah some of them are awful good god no no that's specifically that one what was it it was like a picture of jesus in south america somewhere like jesus art restoration no i'm dead serious is that's specifically that one what was it it was like a picture of jesus in south america somewhere like jesus art restoration no i'm dead serious is that the one that looked more like ronald mcdonald after they were done i mean i don't know what you think ronald mcdonald looks like but if this looks like ronald mcdonald oh okay no yeah i i can see that it's a botch up for people that still can't see anything because our website is so good, how would they find this image? I don't know, look at what I just said.

Jesus art restoration. Bad. Monkey Christ is what that picture is referred to as. Oh man, what the hell happened? He kind of looks like a really poorly drawn sloth. It kind of looks like they showed the original damaged painting to a child and were like, can you paint a new one and the kid was like okay and had a really good time look at the mouth i mean the eyes are bad but look at that mouth

look at the demon eyes he has no irises the fully blacked out eyes yeah i think that's like a glare you know like the little glint in the eye in that, in that case, he has no white of his eyes. He just has black eyes. Also, the neck on this man. The neck. What a neck. The beard is gone. It's just hair, no ears, and neck beard. Ah, damn.

In 2012, Cecilia Jimenez, an 82-year-old widow and amateur painter, attempted to restore Eche Homo, an almost century-old fresco of Jesus crowned with thorns in her local church in Borja, Spain. Despite a valiant effort, the tragically failed restoration went viral and Jimenez, Jimenez, I don't know, attempt was met with mockery. Jimenez. Jimenez. Uncivilized swine. I took four years of Spanish, therefore I have no excuse.

I should be ashamed. But oddly enough, the impact of it drove so many people to come visit. I believe it was like in a church or somewhere i don't know but it like drove like a pilgrimage for people to come see this thing and in a lot of ways you know art is just what makes people feel something so like people look at this and they kind of feel hey look at that i 100 feel something when i look at this when i look at this restored painting I wouldn't insult someone's art yeah the difference is this is supposed to be a restoration as close to the original as possible

if you ask to restore something that isn't the idea to make it look like it once it did like when it was first made I thought that was true until I learned about this there is not a single part of this that looks close the hair is different there's no longer the crown i mean i guess the closest you can get is the nose the color of the shirt is the same i guess but even that has weird like uh what are those like frilly things clowns wear like on top of their shirt like their neck part where it's like the white frilly thing yeah the the poofy thing yeah their entire shirt looks like a wine soaked per feet per poof you know yeah right what are the ruffle things that clowns wear around their neck it's called a ruffle or a rough it's called a rough

oh okay it's a rough r-u-f-f well yeah this is pretty rough it's a rough restoration you set it up i just hit it out of the park. Yeah, you did, man. Park of the monkeys. You crushed it. You crushed it. You know what? This is the perfect crime. We found the perfect crime. Become paint restorers and ruin everything ever.

This woman was like, yes, I'll convince them that I know how to restore art. Yeah. And then I'll take their apparently worthless piece of art and absolutely desecrate it. I'm shocked that there isn't an NFT being sold of that restored painting. Just to really smash it into 21st century. Really pull this all together. This isn't the only one of these, right? There's like several really awful art restoration things.

Oh, there's been tons over the years. I mean, it's hard. You essentially have to be a good artist to do it so i imagine it's quite difficult to restore art and make it look good and actually make it match in a way and stuff yeah well i agree it should be really difficult but you shouldn't volunteer to do it unless you can you gotta learn somehow yeah you gotta learn this is a different type of idea i just put something in the discord just like this building no one can see this no one knows what we're talking about ah yes i too want to take a castle and then turn it into like a mustached white castle yeah it is literally

white castle like it's a restaurant now oh that's pretty cool god the world of art restoration i like the big arching windows that turned into tiny little cubes. Gotta keep it storm safe. Baby Jesus! Baby Jesus! Okay, Baby Jesus literally has a red demonic head in that sculpture. Baby Jesus! Oh, well that's just undried clay, okay?

Listen. When that dries, it's not gonna look any better, man. That is satanic. That's a shrunken head on top of a baby body. That's no good. That looks Photoshopped. That doesn't even look right. That's not Photoshopped.

That looks like someone really did it. No, it doesn't. Look at the angle of the light and look at the blurry blending of the clay onto the dried stuff. That's Photoshopped. No, it's not Photoshopped. No way. That ain't real real it's just so bad it looks photoshopped like how could someone mess up that much but nah it's real 100 so what

we're looking at right now i googled literally bad restoration statue went to images yeah and there's one called like monkey christ painting i thought it was a statue that's the one we were talking about monkey yeah that's the one yeah echo. That's the one we were talking about. Monkey. Yeah, that's the one. Yeah. Echo Mono is what the one we were originally talking about is referred to as. Behold the monkey. Behold the monkey. Behold my monkey. Oh, that brings up

an interesting conundrum. So back to Mount Rushmore and the perfect crime. Oh yeah. What if while you were there, you were like some kind of restorer, but you did a very meticulous job of replacing Mount Rushmore with a perfect recreation that you made. You know, like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption, you know, he carried like little bits of rocks in his pocket. Like every day you went home with like a piece of it. And over the course of like 40 years, you replaced the entirety of Mount Rushmore so that what is Mount Rushmore in Mount Rushmore is no longer Mount Rushmore.

And you have the real reassembled Mount Rushmore in your backyard somewhere. Like at what point does it not become Mount Rushmore anymore? And you have the real Mount Rushmore and if no one knows is it the perfect crime because no one ever thinks that they were robbed but you know you've got Mount Rushmore in your backyard isn't this the story of the boat where like they you slowly replace like the wooden boards of a boat over the course of like a lifetime then eventually all the boards have been replaced is it the same boat yeah exactly that question it's like if you and i exchanged atoms one at a time and we replaced each other like my nose atom to your nose atom and we just replaced at what point do i become you and you become me do you look like you and like are you still

technically you just with my atoms at this point like you still have your memory no it's recreating you with me so like we'd start from the feet well it's essentially like teleporting too right yeah exactly if you have a teleporting machine like a star trek teleporter or whatever it is not physically the exact same atoms in the exact same arrangement even if it's mostly the same atoms yeah no well this is an interesting philosophical discussion but i think the thing about the rushmore crime is like the thing that makes mount rushmore valuable is its location in whichever dakota it's in i don't remember because i don't know anything about the dakotas but like is it in the u.s yeah it's yes yes i know okay i couldn't tell if you were serious or not because i know you too well i figured the u.s president's son the rocks i'd be pretty american

if something like that was in another country though just because some american was like god i love our country i just gotta carve this mountain now went to canada to see mount rushmore but anyway the value isn't really transferred like if someone came over to your house and saw your real rushmore in your backyard and be like oh cool you got a replica of mount rushmore and even if you could empirically prove to them like no no no this is the real route but they'd be like no that the real ones the mountain up on the mountain it's still over there well the moment you replace the first rock wouldn't that become part of mount rushmore right well that's what i'm saying any anything that is a part of the monument where it stands as it stands. Unless people know it's been tampered with.

I don't know if you've really stolen any of the actual value. True. You might gain some self-satisfaction. But in terms of committing a crime. I feel like you do need to gain the value of whatever it is. Whatever you've done that is criminal. If it doesn't gain you anything. It may technically be criminal.

But also it's essentially pointless. Was it criminal though? Here's another scenario. What if you wanted to kill somebody but you made a perfect clone and you got a brain scan of them you put it in the new body let's say this body thought this was the person lived out their life just as if they went to sleep one day they woke up back in their bed but they were replaced with the new one you made but you've got the original one in your basement and you tell them everything that you did and you let them know and you kill them like you murder them but no one would ever know even if they found the body of the person that you killed they'd be so confused because the person who you killed is still living their life as if nothing happened but they're a

different person just they think they're the original. Like, is that a crime? Did you get the satisfaction of killing that person? Yes. You'd still murder someone. True. But the question isn't whether or not it's a crime. It's like, do you get the quote-unquote value? Like, say this was a horrible person that wronged you in a terrible way and you needed revenge and you did this to get revenge. I feel like you do kind of get the value for that if it's purely vindictive

and you just want the person that you despise to know that you've done this i feel like if you do it the way you describe and you tell them what you did and they live with the horror of understanding that a clone is like replace them yeah and then you kill them yeah i feel like that is some kind of crazy deranged form of torture like that's really messed up for that person and the value is all yours too like this isn't like everyone else has to be in on it this is literally just like satisfaction for you and if you would get satisfaction out of it then yeah that would be the value it's not the same thing as like would their family suffer that they never knew because they would never know man what if you changed your

physical appearance to perfectly match the person you're killing and you take over their life now that would be sweet revenge i can't remember what it's called have you guys seen there's a there's a netflix show an original show starring i guess jason bateman where almost this exact premise takes place have you guys seen that well we only take our ideas from other places i know nothing i steal everything i say yeah this is like that 2005 movie remember that 2005 movie uh clone wars something our hair episodes the clone wars is about yeah i think so with the padme and anakin sure i don't know i mean so just because i have a lot in green

everything legally speaking it's not funny but like watching that play out in court would be kind of weird because in court essentially if someone found you know the body of the person you killed and their clone was still living you have to prove that you killed someone right yeah to be found guilty of murder the prosecutor has to prove that you killed someone i mean obviously they could prove that you killed like a human some person i guess because you've got this dead body in your basement but you can prove that the person they're accusing you of murdering is not dead because you can literally call the person they'll be subpoenaed or whatever

they are and you show them to the court and you're like look they're not dead i don't know what would happen like obviously you killed someone they'd have to figure out that they were a clone and they'd have to prove that there was a cloning process and some of that have to prove that i mean i don't know they could probably go to the supreme court to decide whether clones constituted real people it'd be a hell of a there'd be a lot of questions to answer. I mean, just twins alone, I think, already establish a precedent for genetically identical people being independent. Sure. But also just like a clone with the exact same thoughts.

Like, technology questions aside, it's kind of an interesting conundrum. Like, here's the body of the person you killed. They have all the evidence. But also just like you just, hey, here's the person you say i killed like ask them anything they'll be just as confused as you are yeah well and it really what would really be a nightmare is when the cloned person looks at the pictures of themselves all murdered or whatever you know they look at the picture of their dead body in a freezer yeah that's messed up i hope cloning never actually happens man humanity is so fucked if cloning becomes a reality

what if they could clone your body without cloning your mind and that way you could just like if you need to like an organ replaced or something that's another movie god damn it we did that movie yeah we i mean we thought of that we thought of that oh but like no have you guys seen the prestige yes wait have you seen the prestige i don't remember it's like the the two magicians who hate each other it's got a hell of a twist yeah i have seen that okay yeah so like uh spoilers for anybody who hasn't seen the prestige you should go see it it's a pretty cool movie but you know they hire tesla to make like the teleportation machine but it's not a teleportation machine it's a duplication machine and it makes perfect copies and like the way that you know uh Hugh

Jackman's character kind of like approaches it being like uh it's a 50 50 toss of whether I end up here or there and it's kind of the same the same thing about Soma is like you don't really know like where you're gonna be but you do know because it's just a delusion of yourself it's not a 50 50 shot you make a new version you copy your mind in there that is you but carrying on in a different way You're stuck in the original one and like who kills who and who like goes in the box and drowns It's like it's always the original goes in the box. It's like there's no 50-50 shot It's just you're making a duplication that appears over across the room and it's just like but who is who and what is?

Identity and what what is like the reality of life and and being from your perspective like it's just it's a fascinating idea if you eat a clone of yourself do you gain your own power and double in strength only if you eat the heart yeah everybody knows that yeah i would eat my own heart i don't think i could do it but partially because heart is really kind of gross and chewy especially big ones like like humans have human heart before I've eaten like beef heart before, I think. That's a crime. I don't think that's a crime at all. What happens if you replace someone,

but not with a clone, but with mechanical organs and they don't know, so you replace their lungs one day and they don't know and then you replace their heart and their liver and their guts and until their entire insides is mechanical

and then you bring them over one day and you just show them your big rack of organs and it's like laid out in a perfect recreation and then you say to them all i need now is your skin to finish off and then you will be over there but it'll be you and like you take the skin off of them and you put it on their organs again and then they're back alive like you make them fall asleep and then you put them there and then you show them the mechanical version of themselves and you just really back alive. Like you make them fall asleep and then you put them there and then you show them the mechanical version of themselves and you just really mess with their brain. You know what I mean?

Mm-hmm. Wouldn't that be cool? Mm-hmm. Cool. Was the question, would it be cool or a crime? Because now I'm a little bit more concerned. I'm pretty sure we've decided these are all crimes, but wouldn't it be cool?

No, I thought you were going to say we've decided these are all cool. These are all cool ideas, guys. All crime is cool. I think we can all agree. Yeah, yeah, man. Guys, I really want to go out and commit some crimes.

Specifically, art restoration and body replacement crimes. I want water balloon monkeys. All right, well, I didn't say it, but at the conclusion of yours, Wade, points, I guess. Some points. i really like monkey balloons but i really have mixed feelings about all the other parts of your ideas so mark's

got more murdery than mine for the record i dodged the murdery for you what's wrong with murdery i was really feeling mark's ideas until the the last thing he got really overexcited about there i don't feel comfortable. The organ replacement by mechanical? When I visit you, I'm staying in a hotel, just to be clear. You don't know how many organs you've had replaced already.

Yeah, well, I don't want any more. You might go check. No, thank you. What if he just needs your skin? Yeah, I just, I really do just need your skin. Well, if you just need my skin, I guess we might as well go all the way.

It won't be any different to you. It's not you giving me your skin. It's you getting all your organs back. Wait, if I get to be Mecha-me, does that mean I live forever? Can I stay Mecha-Bob? Well, no. Mecha-Bob, like, I just need to copy your brain, but I'm going to take your skin and brain and put it in this. Actually, maybe I've already

replaced your brain with Mecha-Brain. Oh. Would you ever know? Does not compute. Yeah. Have you gotten a call about your Mecha-Brain's extended warranty yet? Instead of with the Westworld. That doesn't look like much of anything to me. It's over. That's the end.

No more ideas. Please. It was a bit, and now I'm honestly a little concerned, Mark. I don't know what sort of technology you have access to. And I know you're a little insane, so I'm a little worried about it. Actually, wait, no, before we end this. What? Did you guys see there was an article about this 11-year-old college graduate?

No. 11-year-old boy graduates from college as summa cum laude. Got his bachelor's degree in physics at the age of 11 after only a year in university. And I'm sure it was a situation where they were making a lot of corners cut because completing it in a year. Yeah, it's very impressive, but you can't get that without the professors giving you a lot of help along the way and being very lenient. But also this kid said that I've already completed a few courses, he said in an interview. The boy added that he wants to work as a scientist in the future and plans to eventually

quote, replace as many parts of the body as possible with counterfeit organs. That is literally a quote from this kid. Oh, that's questionable phrasing. I totally am on board with. Yeah, I want to replace as many parts of the human body with, you know, with with surrogates and organic replacements as possible. Counterfeit organs. Yeah, yeah. This kid's grummy dad in the background just like,

yeah, yeah, graduate. I want to get that organ business started. Come on, grow me some lungs. I mean, it probably is a situation where the parents are super pushy because it seems like he was previously at the University of Technology in the Netherlands, but there was a dispute between his parents and the school. He was set to become the university's youngest graduate,

but was not permitted to finish his studies. The school found it unrealistic for Simons to graduate before his 10th birthday, but his parents claimed their son was a victim of bullying behavior. So it's clear their parents are like really pushing the super genius route, which is super stressful on a kid. Like I can't imagine the kind of expectations you would have heaped on top of you,

but they are clearly very, very smart and like like gifted but no matter how smart you are i feel like there's no version of that that's completely healthy for a person to deal with but yeah boy 11 becomes second youngest graduate ever plans to make humans immortal oh see now that's the way you phrase that that's the good shit plans to make humans immortal plans to invent type of gum that never loses its flavor it's one or the other i would like that kind of gum that would be mark's favorite kind of gum i don't know if i want to be immortal what if like the sun explodes and we're just like left here miserable and being tortured for all of existence yeah there's too many people that are trying to be tony stark there's not enough people

trying to be willy wonka and really i feel like like the Willy Wonka aspect is where the real fun's at. Like, if I was to be an evil genius, it would be a Willy Wonka genius. Yeah, food. Candy. For TV dinners. In the palm of your hand. I like dinner. Okay, so Mark has some points.

Wade has some points. Really trying not to try. What was the prompt on this episode? The perfect crime. Yeah. We really wandered, really got out there. Art restoration. That lady must have gotten so much shit on the internet.

The thing did not turn out very well. And it's very funny looking. Also, sorry to her because I can't imagine a poor lady who did her best. I hope someone really liked it so much where they like hired her on full time. Like you must paint everything for me. But anyway, because Mark brought that up, uh, points, some points because Wade got all the way to monkey balloons, a little bit of points. Mark got pretty creepy with the replacing my organs and Mecca Bob situation.

He just needs your skin. Take away some points for that. Fair enough. That's fair. Wade didn't threaten to essentially kill me kind of in a confusing and roundabout way. So I guess some points for that. And after a final tally of definitely some numbers, I think Mark wins. Yay!

Oh. Hell yeah. was it close i actually kind of was close because i do you ever get that thing where like what we were talking about was completely surreal and it was just a bit you're just dreaming about technology mark you get excited yeah but that bit where you were like maybe i already didn't replace your body maybe that got to the point where some part of my brain was like, wait, it's a joke, right? Yeah, yeah, man. And like in the back of my head, I had an actual sense of dread.

You almost lost it. You almost drove me to Wade. You almost creeped me all the way to Wade. I don't shy away from the extremes. I just go where the truth is. Quote unquote truth. Hell yeah. Well, you definitely found the truth. Yeah Quote unquote truth. Hell yeah. Well, you definitely found the truth.

Yeah, yeah, man. I think. Yeah, man. Anyway, congratulations, Mark. Thank you. Thank you very much. Good try, Wade. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like you could have tried a little harder, but. That's all I could ever offer. I'd like to thank my first love, Smithers, for supporting me through all of this. Really been. I thought Smithers was the one you stole your first love Smithers for supporting me through all this really been well that Smithers was the one you stole your first love from yep now to both can be true yeah I'd like to commemorate this

to them and just big preach across the board for everyone involved in this wind all right tasteful speech thank you that's gonna be the end of the podcast wait wait wait what if you slowly replace people with the atoms like you were talking about, but instead of making two, you just absorb the other person? You become both?

So you grow twice in size. Yeah. At what point do you stop being you and start being someone else? What if we start replacing points slowly? We could be together forever. Okay. Thank you, everyone everyone so much for listening to distract. We'll make sure you subscribe or follow or do whatever the platform wants you to

do. So you hear the new episode every Monday because there is a new episode every Monday. You could find all of us online at places, but don't worry about that. Just listen to this. This is the best thing we have to offer collectively and individually. None of us has achieved anything even remotely as good as this podcast. I feel comfortable exclaiming that to the world. I hope everyone, I'm sure everyone agrees with me. I'm happily married.

No, no, no. This podcast is the pinnacle of our existence. Fair enough. And I don't think any of you can dispute that. I wouldn't. I refuse to.

So yeah, good win, Mark. Thank you. Good effort, Wade. Kind of. yeah good win mark thank you good effort wade kind of and uh thank you that's it podcast out