Distractible - Pet Stories

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

The guys reminisce about hilarious, chaotic, and pet-related memories. Prepare for poop pick-up! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production with your hosts, Babbling Bob, Mammoth Mark, and Warping Wade. This week, the Batty Bunch brandish bardic blandishments about the bounteously brave and brilliant of man's best buddies.

Yes, it's time for Pet Stories. Please prepare thy treats and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to another episode of Distractible. I will be your host for today's episode. My name is Bob and I'm joined, as always, by Mark and Wade. Hello. Hey, hey. How you guys doing? I don't know why I said that.

Hey, that's how you always scream i don't know if you just heard it for the first time hey hey my normal intro every video every stream you've ever started hey hey hey hey kind of valley girl-esque or something hey we know your intros in and out yeah clearly uh how are you fellas how's your week how's your day hour how's this hour for you? Pretty good. Yeah, pretty good. Pretty good.

No crazy stories? Decided to get this show over with and get some lunch. I'm so hungry. Let's get the fuck out of here. Let's bang this out and shit this turd out, dude. Let's put even less effort into this than we usually do. Can we just edit in some words from all the other distractibles by now and just pretend that we're here? Yeah, Will. Can you build this episode for us? Thank you.

Yeah. Uh-huh. We'll call it the episode we didn't actually make. And then, yeah, we're done. Great topic, Bob. Yeah, the topic for today was Florida. Will edit something in there that's topic-ish and then edit the rest of it. And the winner was Wade. Oh, I'm sad or happy. Congratulations. Can't believe that. congratulations what a surprise i'm sad and

or happy ah you earned it beautiful anyway today is a magical day whoa oh it's the 22nd day oh wait am i should i not date this that hard i don't know when this is coming yeah come on man come on man it's a magical day it's just an ordinary but magical. I woke up this morning not in a pile of my own feces, but in a dry, clean bed. Is that an unusual start? I didn't even have to change my underpants to come and do the podcast. Hey, congratulations. Yeah, I did it. That's awesome.

I'm more worried about the other days after hearing you say that I am happy about today, I think. Today is a uniquely special day for those reasons. Don't we all normally wake up in a puddle of our own diarrhea? Not usually, no. Never once even, actually, except for maybe when I was a baby. Lucky for you, though. Actually, that's a good point. We all have woken up in our lives in a puddle of our own feces.

That is a universal experience. That's true. That's a universal experience and if we live long enough we'll get to again it's like a bar bet yeah like at the bar with a bunch of like bro i bet you i know a story about you where you woke up and you had shit your pants yeah and the guy's like i have never done that i've never shit my pants you're like i bet you 100 bucks i can tell you a story from your own life when you woke up in a pile of your own feces and you follow that up immediately with what's your mom's phone number no well you don't

have to you can just be like okay when were you born okay like that 1987 okay it's january 26th 1988 you woke up in a pile of shit because you're a baby you owe me a hundred dollars boom boom oh i want to get punched for asking for their mom's number i mean that's when you already have it you know you pull it up once you once you disgrace them by winning that bet then you're like all right you don't want to pay me a hundred bucks give me your mom's number and then they punch you oh wait already got it i'm your daddy boy whoa okay and then get punched twice as hard right well i don't know children aren't really supposed to punch their parents so i would hope if they're a good person they would show you the respect that you deserve i guess oh that's right respect your elders random stranger who might be older than me

anyway look today's episode the way it's i didn't even do this the way this works it's a podcast uh mark and wade are competing i'm the judge and uh and and and at the end i will select a winner based on an arbitrary judging system that i implement and uh you know definitely keep close track of over the course of the episode today gentlemen you will be competing uh to tell me a story we're gonna go old school i'm gonna ask you to to i like this mark brought this back a few episodes ago i think i'm gonna ask you to conceptualize something title your story for me or a couple stories whatever you got and we're gonna we're gonna do it like we did it back in the day years and years ago i'll give you i'll give you a little preamble i'm in my family's home and i'm feeling curious that's why you didn't

shit yourself i'm i'm not myself this is a story about someone else oh i start i start to wander around i go up to my uh brother see what he's doing nothing interesting go to my mom glass of wine in her hand it doesn't interest me go to my dad he's eating nachos and i'm like i want some nachos and i start thinking what can i do how can i convince my dad to give me some nachos what can i do i sit on the floor in front of him and just stare into his soul i lay on my back on the floor in front of him and just stare into his soul i lay on my back on the floor in front of him and look up at him being cute you know he's my dad he thinks i'm cute just playing it up maybe i roll back and forth a little bit you know maybe i flop around i just ham it up i

gently approach him put my hand on his knee and i'm like hey i see you have some nachos none of this seems to be working finally dad sets the plate of nachos down to go grab another drink whatever it goes out in the kitchen and i'm like this is my chance working. Finally, dad sets the plate of nachos down to go grab another drink, whatever. It goes out in the kitchen. And I'm like, this is my chance. I jump into my dad's chair, frantically gnashing, destroying even the nachos. I down a bunch.

I run away into the front room, hide under the coffee table. Dad comes back, sees what has happened and exclaims to the entire family. Goddamn dog ate my nachos. Wasn't anybody watching the stupid dog? Get out, get outside. You get outside right now. Dad is so mad, but I got some motherfucking nachos.

I don't know if you caught on. So you're a dog? I'm the family dog. Ah, yeah. Because today's theme is pet stories. Pets are so goofy. They're adorable, but we treat them like they're a member of the family. Manny and I treat our dog Lexi like she's literally our child.

We talk to her. We hold her like a baby. She can get anything she wants if she looks at us the right way. She knows this. You guys have pets. Yeah. They're a member of the family, right? Uh-huh.

Yeah. Wade? Yeah. You like your dogs? Sorry, I'm in another place. I was thinking about my pets. You literally asked about pets, and I zoned out. I was like, oh, my pets. I could be up there petting them right now. How's your dog? Is your dog sorry i'm in another place i was thinking about my pets you literally asked about pets and i zoned out i was like oh my pets i could be up there petting them right now how's your dog is your dog okay yeah dogs are great man thanks for asking yeah okay i was hoping

to never recall that happening for the rest of my life but i'm glad we brought it up on the very next episode that i had to host oh you're you're very welcome, man. It's fine. It's fine. It couldn't possibly happen again. We haven't talked about pets, have we? No. No, we did. It was the third episode. Don't you remember?

Shit. And it's reminiscent of that 1994 movie, Pets. Remember that one? Yeah, if you tell me any pet stories that are from pet movies, if you tell me Air Bud, Air Bud 2 through 8 movies if you tell me air bud air bud two through eight you tell me about uh the pet cemetery story if you tell me about that monkey uh dunstan who checked in to the hotel none of that okay i'm looking for stories i i will say i picked this topic because i have a specific story that i know is from your life mark that i really really like

oh yeah i'm already thinking of the same thing but yeah you guys can talk about your pets pets in the world that have done things that are amazing if you tell me the plot of balto though that's not really that doesn't count that's not your story i love balto i had a little stuffed animal i carried around for years of balto oh balto balto was awesome yeah this episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't.

Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. I already have a title. Oh, man. All right. Do you have a title, Wade? How close are you? Do we need to stall?

Yeah, I've got one. Mark, go ahead. Let me refine my title. All right. What's your title, Mark? My title is The Day the Roomba Killed Itself. Oh, that's not fair. my title all right what's your title mark my title is the day the rumba killed itself oh that's not fair i know i can't compete with this story

okay well you know you'll have multiple chances we can go back and forth you never know pets do all kinds of goofy things yeah gotta have stories like not even current pets i could think of stories from past pets and stuff like that. I like that. I know this story. This is the one I was hoping for. I'm excited. I'm happy. Do you need a minute, Wade? Or do you want to...

You can let Mark go first, I suppose. Oh, no. I'm going to call this... I got a title, The Front Porch Massacre. Ooh, that's good. Ooh. Interesting. You know what?

I'm going to let Wade go first. That is a compelling title. That's an interesting title. Yeah. Points for that, probably. I don's it that's an interesting title yeah points for that probably i don't know who's in charge of points but they probably gave you points all right i think will or baltimore so i guess i'll just dive into it we're gonna rewind time back oh man i think this was still high school years for us so we'll call it 2018 to make us sound younger uh okay okay it's

probably 2006 man yo you know us fresh out of high school i can't wait to grow up you know us 22 year olds i can't wait to grow some hair in my nards man i want to be an adult so bad wait i can't believe you outed us as being so young people have been thinking we're older than we are duder so now they know we're young god you sound older by the moment way continue your story fellow zoomer oh yeah okay yeah let's go flossing. Sheesh. I'm going to just continue now immediately. I love backpack kid, right? He's cool, right?

That's what the kids like. I mean, us kids like. We are the epitome of the how are you doing fellow kids. All right, so it's way, way back. It was probably 2006, 2007. My mom had a house on a cul-de-sac. i think you guys visited that house with like a nice kind of garden i guess garden that's the right word it's a what do you call flower bed area flower beds there you go sure yeah one of them we called the island it was like this big mound of dirt with a bunch of different flowers and plants on it and

uh because we were in a cul-de-sac we were kind of far back we were more relaxed with our pets being outside so we had a wiener dog named bella and a cat whose name is shadow we've always called him keeters he's still around but keeters loved hanging out outside and we lived far enough away from like busy roads where it was like we didn't really worry about him being out there there were no other real cats he had to worry about so he would just spend a lot of time outside lounging around in the flower beds relaxed and soaking up some sun and every now and then you know he'd kill a creature we'd find like a dead mole or a dead bird or something why is he going and killing all these house elves what the fuck well because it's a serial killer okay this is called the front porch massacre do you remember that yes so one particular

evening i came home from i don't remember where, somewhere. And as I approached the front door, I noticed what I thought maybe was either toys or some packages, something on the front porch. I don't know what all that is. And as I approach, there is not one, not two, but there are three butchered animals on the front porch. There is a dead squirrel. There is a bird with no head. And there is a mouse split into two with the top half still moving its legs. Freaking out and realizing I probably need to do something about this,

I open the front door and out of nowhere comes Keters, who grabs the top of the mouse that's still moving, the top half of the mouse, runs inside with it, drops it, and the thing starts trying to crawl around wait wait wait important important detail was it dropped on a hard surface tile linoleum or something or carpet thankfully that was a tile floor it was dropped on at that point that was lucky yeah so uh had to scoop up try to get rid of the half a mouse all and he just kept trying to bring in other things but he had this propensity for wanting to i guess all cats do it i think where they kill animals and they try to like present parts of them to you like

you're their family and they're trying to show off or something yeah yeah they're providing yeah so trying to get this half of a mouse from him was not fun, but it was like, you know, the front porch massacre is specifically for this one instance where there were the three dead critters. But there were times where he would bring in like an alive squirrel or mouse and let them go and they would take off and we would try to have like catch them or he'd like just enjoy the hunt. Bella liked to skin snakes like she would find a garter snake and just skin it alive oh wow uh what the

hell and they both liked killing moles we always had holes all over the arbor bella would dig for moles and then like try to murder them and deliver them to us so our front porch over the years just became a hotbed of murdered fauna great yeah never had like an outside dog and i've never had a cat so i've never really experienced this ours are indoor like a lot of murdering yeah i mean bella was like a wiener dog right yeah that's not really yeah she's not like a big hunting outside but like skin snakes alive was bella a sociopath i guess i mean whenever she'd get a mole she would usually just like kill it you know it was pretty like quick just crunch murder, but with snakes I mean, I remember my mom out in the garden one day

She was like weeding or something and then just went to reach for a weed and looked over and under her hand There was just a skinless snake still like trying to live Bella ever laugh while this was happening It's like strung up and the snake is like And Bella's like strung up and the snake is like please and bella's like and then starts peeling the skin off yeah our critters were straight out of like texas chainsaw massacre or something i don't know it was nice sometimes though there was a there was one point where we had like squirrels living in the walls and we cut a hole like in the wall to try to get it out and uh i think keeters tracked that one down it was like well at least it's not in the

house anymore i remember there being mice every now and then you get like a mouse in the house or something keeters would help take care of that so it was great for pest control whenever they were already inside but there's something about seeing something cut in half still living being carried by your cat happily into the house that's just like the worst and will always stick with you and uh we still have keeters he's still our cat we stole him from my mom because whenever molly uh moved down here he became her cat my mom's like yeah you gotta take him and uh i remember i think i might have been out doing something with you guys or something i was traveling and molly was home alone and uh she opened the door on like a rainy thunder lightning

night and keeters had like gone outside as like the storm hit and she was going to let him in and there on the front porch was a bird just like with a little bit of life left in it trying to like exist and keeter snatched it up ran it in you see keeter's in the doorway the door blows open with a slam into the wall and a lightning strikes illuminating peters from behind but her eyes are still glowing and the bird is hanging please help me and then crunch crunch crazy part is catching birds and squirrels and stuff whenever we got him he didn't have front claws He has no front claws and he still manages to somehow get birds and squirrels Oh, it's like how I don't think he can climb a tree. I don't know how he gets them Oh, yeah, obviously they're on the ground at points, but you think they would see him and flee

But he's just a natural murderous killer. I think I see him out of the corner. Hi Keters You fucking talking about me you telling my stories oh is there a lightning strike illuminating him from behind there is uh i don't know if anyone knows this today but you two do but we have a big storm system rolling through my power even went out a little bit ago man you better wash yourself i haven't checked the porch no you're gonna get out on that porch and you're gonna be like well there's nothing here and then there's another lightning strike but from within your house and you turn back and keters is in the doorway this time you're the bird between him and bella we had to have no less than 20 murdered animals left on our porch between those two animals there's quite a few so i'm ignorant of cats let's say i've lived with dogs had dogs my whole life never lived with a cat plenty of friends who had cats but i don't

know what a day-to-day is like with a regular house cat is it normal for cats to go outside that much i feel like i've heard stories about like if the cat gets out they're gonna escape forever or like you know that do cats go outside more than i think they do this is a thing i think it depends yeah some people they have indoor cats they stay inside people have outdoor cats that mostly stay outside keeters is a really strange cat because he's very person dependent most cats are very independent from what i know at least keeters loves attention like he loves being pet he loves to snuggle up on people's laps and stuff. So whenever my mom had him, it's like being outside was not really a problem, but he would always come back inside.

It was pretty much only like summer days. He would go lay out for a few hours and he'd be back inside the rest of the day. So it wasn't like he was spent most of his time outside. It was just, he was allowed to go outside, enjoy the weather. And he never really ventured too far from our yard. He was a very unique cat in that way. He's very like loyal to staying with us and such. So I don't know about the normal cat, but I feel like Keters is not very normal as far as his behavior goes. That's interesting. I had a cat named Maximilian when I was younger

and he was strictly an outdoor cat. Like he loved being outside. He could not stay inside, but he always came home and he was equally a murderer murderer. And you know, you just look at cats and there, there's some, there's some psychopathy going on because I remember going outside one day when I was a young lad and I saw that Maximilian was slapping the grass. And I'm like, that's strange. That's very strange. And what it was, was there was a mouse with no back legs that it was smacking around the grass and it was desperately trying to get away i'm like that that was burned into my brain as a child oh my god they will maim their prey but like leave them alive so they can toy with them for a while exactly yeah that's kind of messed up

it is you think that like when you're dangling a toy mouse in front of their eyes you know it's all happy fun games but to them like if only that were a real mouse if only the blood from its entrails would be dripping into my mouth as i bat this with my claws yes i wish there was suffering involved in this gameplay when we first uh when we first got the puppies i was very very hesitant it took cuters over a year to acclimate to them but there were times where they would go and like try to tackle him or whatever and they were i mean they were really small when you get like a baby dachshund they're pretty small they were very tiny and i remember one time like press i think it was presley was like chasing keeters around and

keeters warmed up to presley faster than ginger but like they were playing and then all of a sudden keeters pinned presley down presley was on his back keeters pinned him down and had his mouth around presley's neck and i was like oh my god he's gonna kill presley and he still plays like that sometimes where he'll like chase them wrestle them then like one will roll on their back and he'll like have his mouth around their neck he doesn't like bite them but like he could he just wants to remind them that yeah next time there's a big thunderstorm there might be half of a presley on the front porch only when the strike of lightning touches the ground will your neck be slit from my teeth uh sounds like a

real tense situation you got going on over there it was for the first year i legit thought that he would treat them like a gerbil or something and try to murder them they weren't that small but like i've never had pets that like well so i've only had two dogs we had one dog for like my entire childhood we were we adopted shadow when i was like seven or eight or something i want to say and she lived for 17 or 18 years she lived forever but like she was an idiot if you let her outside and weren't watching her and she wasn't like on a you know on a run or whatever she'd just disappear she usually showed up back on the front porch but they just wander away like outside dogs like big outside like farm dogs are crazy to me

because they just do whatever and they're so rugged but cats outside cats is interesting because like they're not that big and rugged they're more like slinky and you know stealthy i guess but i would be so worried like what did they ever just not come back oh yeah i mean a lot of night you're gonna let them in and they're just not there and you're like oh i hope they come back i guess i don't know i'm nervous about that here because there's other cats and raccoons and stuff and i've heard keeters like start to get into a fight with one before we've had to run out and try to intervene so yeah it's definitely something to worry about so we tried to let him out too often here but he loves the outside so much from when he was younger that we still try to give him

some time out there that just reminded me it's not a pet story but it's related to raccoons i was up early in the morning sometimes i wake up as early as 3 a.m this night i woke up at one for some reason that's and uh morning it's morning okay grandpa technically anyway i went to bed at six and woke up at one i was i was i was up so i was like maybe i'll get some editing done or play a video game. I go to my office and I'm just on my computer and I hear what sounds like a child in pain. And it's one in the morning. And I'm going, what the fuck is happening? That's not great.

I look out my window. It's pitch black. I can't see anything. So I turn out the lights in my room, try to see out the window. Still can't see anything. So I go downstairs because I'm still hearing. It's the start of a horror story where something is calling you from the woods right and uh this is just like two years ago so i go downstairs and i'm kind of freaked out i i

creep down the stairs and i still hear it like it sounds like something is in pain the closer i get to the noise the less human it becomes right so i hesitantly after looking out my front door i open my door very slowly and i can still hear it playing this day and the moment i take one step out on my porch the sound stops oh good you can go back inside then it's fine and i am like thinking coyotes or something because there was always like some coyotes maybe like uh not a mountain lion but you know the smaller one a bobcat and so i gingerly take a couple steps more onto my porch i'm looking around and then suddenly to my right there's this enormous crash into the ground and then these two animals i couldn't tell what they were but these two animals just started fighting intensely. And I was startled by the noise alone, but they start fighting and then sprint around the side of my house. And I still don't know what they were, but I know that, okay, it's two animals fighting.

I want to see this now. I'm not scared of it. I go back inside. I close the front door. I go out to the back because I can hear them fighting through my house all around the side. Like there's a long side yard at this place and they go, and then by the time I get to the back door, they are rolling in the ground. It's two raccoons. And what happens is they both roll into the pool.

Oh God. So now I have two angry fighting raccoons in the pool. One gets out immediately. The other is like struggling to get out, but because the one got out first, it keeps knocking the other one back in the pool one gets out immediately the other is like struggling to get out but because the one got out first it keeps knocking the other one back into the pool so it's like i have the high ground anakin you can't win you underestimate like and then so what happens is though they finally both get out and then they notice me so they immediately stop and roll up their sleeves they do that raccoon thing where

they're standing on their back legs with their arms out you know their little hands in the air and they're just looking at me and they slowly look at each other and they look at me like just panning back and forth it was like a it was a mexican standoff you know just like everyone's guns out and then they decided their fight wasn't worth it and they ran off into the woods but i don't know why that just reminded me of that have i told you a story about where i caught a raccoon you caught a raccoon why would you do that okay i thought i told this story before uh my buddy uh and i were playing diablo the original diablo on playstation one night again back in like high school and uh we stayed up all night so it's like seven in the morning we are purely on adrenaline and caffeine sugar at this point

to stay awake and uh outside the window we see a raccoon in the front yard and we're just like we look at each other we're like dude we could catch that you want to try so we go into the garage we get a dog crate a fishing net like one of those really long fishing poles with like the uh the netting where you can grab like a bass or something if you catch one on your line you sure and we go outside and we try to sneak up on this raccoon to catch it and it sees us notices us right away and just runs up the tree but this tree is a little isolated and we're like dude this thing has no way out of this tree so we go we grab a ladder and we try to climb up into the ladder and the raccoon climbs higher up and we're like okay well there's only so many branches i get a tree trimmer and i grab the the tree trimmer and

i go up and start cutting off the branches of my mom's tree in the front yard thinking they'll grow back or whatever yeah yeah that's how trees work so uh after 30 or 40 minutes of removing limbs from this tree and trying to sneak out or 40 oh this was a multi-hour endeavor uh after a while my mom wakes up i mean so it was probably earlier than that so my mom usually gets around like 7 7 30 so she pops outside like in her uh pajamas or whatever and she looks at us and she is what the fuck are you doing because there's just a dog crate a fishing, and tree limbs all over the ground. But you haven't caught the raccoon at this point. So clearly she didn't stop you.

Nope. Nope. We're like, don't worry, mom. We're just catching a raccoon. I think she muttered something to Beth like it's too fucking early for this shit. She goes back in the house and like makes her coffee. We have the raccoon isolated on one limb by soon after whatever. Yeah. A little while later and uh

it's i guess it was a saturday night into a sunday because my friend gets like a call from his parents like hey you need to come home we're going to church now okay he has to leave so now i'm alone with this raccoon it's on the final branch i can't get to it and i'm like well raccoons are pretty like sprightly it'll be fine i'm just gonna cut the branch it's on and then get it with the net and so i start hacking away at the branch it's on and as the branch starts to crack i fly down the ladder grab the net the branch hits the ground the raccoon starts taking off toward the woods i run and i dive and manage to somehow get it in the net and scoop it up and this net does not have big holes in it it's got really small holes like you would think a small fish couldn't even get through these holes this

raccoon is ripping and clawing and half of it is outside the net as i get it to the crate scoop it in there it somehow runs off into the crate i managed to close it i only keep it for a few hours just long for my friend to come back and see it the thing is going wild hissing and spitting and just making the scariest noises imaginable Like I had to like get a stick to help open the crate to let it out because I was so afraid of it It was so pissed off, but I guess after two hours of taunting it and trying to catch it Um, the tree only made it another year or two before we had to take the whole tree down So I might have done some damage to the tree

It was quite the cleanup effort I was imagining young afro wade on a huge fucking ladder leaned up against one one tree trunk with one limb on it and a raccoon on the one limb a big tree not like a giant tree but like this was not a skinny you can wrap your arms around it and hug tree this was like two or three people would have to touch arms to get around this tree this was a big tree that we annihilated very sad actually oh yeah let's try to justify it to that tree it woke up one morning it opened its eyes you were there lightning struck behind you with your afro a glow and a tree trimmer in your hands even keeters was afraid of this lightning strike and he knew his time was up and then 40 minutes of agonizing sawing later you got a raccoon you skin that tree alive man my mom walks outside there's

three dead animals on the porch there's a dead tree in the front yard a raccoon in a crate a skinned snake in the garden she's just like oh must be another Sunday. It's that meme. What do you got there, son? Uh, a raccoon. We caught it, though. We did it. We caught it. I felt really horrible for it afterwards. I didn't really think about the trauma we'd done to the raccoon along the way. That raccoon is never going to trust a human again, ever.

Yeah. I don't think you had another thought after, we can get that raccoon. Everything else was null and void. No, we did not. Well, because, you know, my friend and I, we like uh we were we were buddies but we were also kind of competitive we played like basketball against each other all the time we'd play like some competitive games and stuff like i was a lot more competitive back then than i am now so whenever he and i looked at each other and we said we could do it it's like whenever he had to leave it was like well now

i'm gonna be the one to catch the raccoon. He'll see. You showed him? Yeah. You sure did. I sure did. Yeah. Now it's just a really great, also horrible story to tell that traumatized a raccoon and killed a tree. It's kind of messed up. Yeah.

Honestly. I feel like you framed it like you were telling an animal story. I think you just told a tree murder story. There's an animal involved. The raccoon's partially to blame. If it hadn't gotten in the tree, the tree would have been fine. Oh, yeah. Blame the raccoon's partially to blame if it hadn't gotten the tree the tree would've been fine oh yeah sure blame the raccoon yeah it was an accomplice to the tree murder the raccoon picked the tree it was not my fault bad day to be a tree yikes it knew we were gonna get it no matter what it put the tree in my way and it knew i had to cut anything in my path

i think this is what mass murderers use to justify their actions. Pretty sure. Same logic. As the host of this episode, I want to thank you for your adorable, fun and light-hearted pet stories. Great contributions, but I think we must cede the floor to Mark and I'm very excited for this story. Oh, thank you. It's a great story. I appreciate it.

Possibly the best story that anyone will have ever told on this podcast. No pressure. Okay, this is pretty high pressure. Tell your title again for everybody listening. This is The Day the Roomba Died. So I have Chica. Chica is adorable. I got Chica when she was about eight months old.

She was just super cute, lovable, bubbvable bubbly really attentive would look in your eyes and just stare at you also stares at walls so i don't know how much of a conclusion you can draw from that she has some unique quirks my dogs have unique quirks too i feel like every dog has like those one or two quirks that you're just like huh how did i roll the dice and get this yeah she could stare as good though she'll stare in your eyes for a long time and she'll pant while she does it and it's really really adorable and also kind of concerning after a while. Yeah. She purrs.

I remember we were planning the tour and I was wearing a watch that was reflecting sunlight onto the brick wall and she spent like 20 minutes trying to eat the brick wall and I had no idea why for a long time. Yeah. Oh, she loves lights. She loves lights. That's true. So she's adorable, right?

She's a perfect dog in every way. Yeah. Except that she wasn't pot's adorable, right? She's a perfect dog in every way. Except that she wasn't potty trained, right? So I was struggling to get her to learn the concept of outside. And it was going well. But on one particular day, I had a very busy schedule. I was out for many hours most of the day. And I get back late afternoon.

And all of this is pretty burned into my brain because I remember it very distinctly. For reasons that will become self-evident. I get home. No one else is there. I open the door. Actually, before I even open the door, I notice that something is very wrong. Because there is an odor emanating from the door. And it's a very distinct odor that any pet owner would be able to identify.

It's the smell of poop. And I'm thinking, oh no. Chica must have shat near the door i better be careful opening it i don't want to smear it all over the floor what an ironic thought because the moment i open the door a wave of smell punches me in the face it is the most barbarically horrible odor of pure shit stabbing into my nostrils and i think holy crap how could this possibly be and my eyes are kind of stinging from the odor and through my blinking tears i notice that there's a new texture to the wood grain on the floor and i'm like i don't remember there being such a stain to that wood. Upgrade. An upgrade. Yeah. And this is true because my brain couldn't possibly fathom what I saw.

And after a few moments of bearing the stench, I look long enough to realize that's not the wood. Somehow, someone has paintbrushed poop over every square inch of the floor and when i say every square inch i mean every square inch of the floor in a perfect lawnmower like pristine lawn alternating lines this is a big floor too this is a good size floor big floor it's like a kitchen living room dining room combo area right i'm remembering where this is yeah it's a big area and i i stare at this and my brain just can't process this because there is so much poop everywhere and i'm i'm looking around and and thankfully the one area where there wasn't poop was landing from the front door and

there's like a balcony dividing it and like two steps going down to the main living room. That's the open area. And I look over the railing and I'm just surveying it, you know, like, oh, this is my kingdom. But this is this is my poop kingdom. And my eye is tracing this path all the way to the left. And I find the culprit in the corner. And it's not Chica. You may think that Chica would be sitting ashamed. No, Chica was actually wagging her tail next to me ready to greet me all happy and bubbly and looking at me with a smile on

her face in the corner was a rumba that was tangled up in fur smeared in poop and somehow upside down and that's the biggest mystery to me that that is the biggest mystery to me i i don't know how else to explain that that rumba was upside down other than the idea that it could not bear the sin of what it did and it killed itself and it was just like either that or it was murdered but the evidence suggested otherwise she's like i'm gonna be in so much trouble for this and just like takes it out i mean that is an option that is an option uh but chica was suspiciously clean you know she wasn't smeared in anything so i don't think that she was involved because i would have seen paw prints of her walking through it all right and i i mean and i

know how pristine it was because i had to clean this up so we had a roomba and if you don't know what a roomba is it's a robotic vacuum that automatically cleans your floor and what chica had done is she pooped as far out from the living room as she could but she pooped right next to the roomba dock because it automatically goes back. And while I was away, it decided that now was the best time to clean it. And it just rolled over that first poop patch and it carried it the entire way through its entire journey of cleaning, quote unquote. Well, I know those Roombas are meticulous. They get every single square inch of floor

so that you know you're confident you've got a clean floor. Yeah. You don't want to miss a spot. I can attest to a Roomba's thoroughness and I can't believe that it waited until it got every square inch before dying. Like it really wanted to make sure

its last job was done right i remember the first time you told this story i had tears in my eyes for like an hour afterward i was laughing so hard because the thought of you having to like figure out how to even start cleaning this up yeah and the mystery involved you know i'd love for you to tell the story of how exactly you approach that did you have to walk on the poop floor or did you just like how did that start thankfully the access to the kitchen so it's an open floor plan so there's like no doors bridging but the kitchen is a separate unit and the living room and the the like the back like not a room but back area was where the poop was contained so the room had only gotten that area a part of the kitchen and all of the living room.

So there's another path to get there. So I, I mean, I'm literally in shock for a good 10 minutes, just looking at this, looking back at Chica, looking at the dead Roomba, looking at the poop. Like I, I have to get my bearings. And thankfully I had the foresight in this house to have a mop and a bucket. But that, that, that kind of like, you know, me saying, oh, good, there's a mop. You don't realize how much poop water you create from having to meticulously mop up smeared poop over everywhere. And not only that, the smell.

But what I was worried about is that how quickly I got used to the smell, which made me think that the nerves in my nose got burned away from the sheer quantity of poop in the air. Like I was I was part poop. And that's why you have to chew your food for five minutes. You can taste again. All my nerves got burned away in that horrible day. So like I'm going at this with bleach. Right. So I got like the harshest cleaners.

So like I'm going at this with bleach, right? So I got like the harshest cleaners. I don't care about the wood anymore, like because the wood is already a lost cause if I don't get at this. So literally, it's just like I would mop as much as I could, which was not as much as you think. Like before I could, that water was not good anymore. And I spent the next probably like it was day when I started. It was bedtime when i was done and so i spent a good

four or five hours just cleaning this and i would go through it again and again because i worried that the smell would never go away and it still concerns me to this day that it got i got to the point where i was tolerable of it but like maybe i wouldn't know if the smell was still there. That was so much poop. And she was such a small dog at the time, but she pooped so much. Oh, she pooped big. She pooped big. Why don't you try replicating it and see if you notice the smell again? Then you'll know if you're cured or not.

Oh, man. I don't know. It was weird because after that moment, that was the day that she stopped pooping inside and she understood the concept of pooping out of the sky. She had to sit there and smell her own shit being smeared for hours and was like oh my god this is what I've done. I mean what does that do to a dog's brain to see that you know you pooped if you're a dog but then to see this horrible robot that you don't understand what it is take your poop and put it everywhere so god no yeah no i i can only imagine the progression because probably she pooped inside and when you're not there you know dogs don't really worry maybe they didn't worry a little but like she probably looked and was like this is my house now yeah and then the robot comes and starts then she's like hey oh he's spreading it around oh cool cool cool wait a minute wait he's spreading he's spreading it everywhere wait dad's gonna come back yeah oh no like she's just sitting here

terrified watching this happen for however long an hour or two hours whatever and you get home and she's like hey i didn't do it never again before that moment she's watching this all happen and she noticed the roomba's paws in the corner and she's looking at it she gets a glint in her eye she crawls up behind it there's a lightning strike behind her she's back illuminated next thing you know the roomba is dead in the corner the story should be the day the Roomba was murdered. Anyway. So we have the front porch massacre and the shitty living room massacre. Yeah, you right about that.

You right. Imagine like if you'd called a cleaning service. Like, hey, can you guys get someone out here to help me clean today? They show up and open the door and there's just shit everywhere. Yeah. You know how in movies the cleaner's always like, we've always seen worse. This is the worst thing that they've seen that they compare it to if they walked in the door. They get home from that day, they're like,

it's happened. I've officially encountered the worst home I've ever seen in my life. It was shit everywhere. It was nothing but shit. In fact, the house was pristine if it weren't for the shit. But there was so much shit.

And they quit their job that night just imagine you on the phone with that and you're like no listen i don't even know if you want to come like i'm trying to warn you and they're like hey buddy we've seen it i've worked at udf i've worked at jimmy john's i've cleaned those bathrooms nothing can be worse than that you You have no idea. I tried to warn you. They were fucking wrong. Yeah, Chica destroyed that house. There's other stories. Chica destroyed that house?

Yeah. Not Chica. Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, well, she also, what I did is I didn't have her in a crate. I had her like in a pen area. And it was a large area. She had like almost a bedroom-sized amount of space. But there was one patch of that, because it was a large area she had like almost a bedroom sized amount of space uh but there was one patch of that because it was mostly railing but there was one patch that was wall and

i come home one day after she's been in this pen and there are bite marks in the wall no like literal bite marks in the wall and i look at it and again it takes me a moment to process to realize that chica had been chewing the wall and she has toys all over like her pendants are like littered with toys and i don't even know how she got her mouth in a right angle to be able to bite the wall i just imagine her nose like smooshed up it's not like a corner right it's like a flat wall surface. She had been... Delicious wall. It's weird, though, because our dogs... When we first got our dogs, I had them in a crate with a pen connected to the front of the crate.

So we could leave the crate open. They could come out and get their food and water, potty, play, whatever. And they seemed so miserable whenever they had that open. They were always whining and crying. They hated it. But I took the pen away at one point because they just kept destroying everything kind of like chica But that's smaller scale cuz they're a lot smaller I took the pen away and it's like they were just in the crate and they were happy as can be just being created

It was like something about that open area made them go fucking bananas Whereas just being in the crate like to this day Ginger and Preston will go like sleep under a couch or they'll go into their crate on their own They're like den animals They like have that like tight little space to go hide in but that open area makes them go fucking bonkers and you think you're doing them a favor but i swear for ours it was not i've always had kind of small dogs like lexi right now she's 15 pounds she's pretty small and our childhood dog was like 30 pounds maybe 25 30 pounds like a medium small medium dog and i've always heard you don't want to have too big of a

crate for them because dogs are like dead animals like you said their safe space needs to feel like cozy and small and that makes them feel protected yeah makes sense and they are perfectly content they will not whine or anything in the crate they're they're happy as can be they'll go squeeze somehow under the couch which i feel like is terrible for their backs but i can't get them to stop doing it but they're happy as can be under there but yeah having that like open space it's just like they paced around and wine jumped chewed at it chewed at the floor tried to dig at the floor it was just like they were freaking out moment you took that away it's like all right well I guess you guys

don't get to have this anymore and it's like oh thank you we're much happier now it makes no sense to us but for them like it was a world of difference yeah oh animals have you guys ever had any uh crazy animals crazy animals ginger's weird ginger i don't know if she's crazy but she's weird as can be the first time she locks herself in the bathroom sometimes and the first time she was in there we had no idea we were looking for her for what felt like an hour freaking out i was like there's no way she got outside she must be trapped under something we were carefully moving all of the furniture searching over the entire house. I'm checking all of the doors and the bathroom is closed,

but we sometimes kept it closed anyway. I guess we hadn't closed it. It was cracked open or something. And she got in there and closed the door on herself, opened the door and she's just sitting there with her tail wagging, quiet as can be, didn't make a noise. And she had to have been in there for no less than three or four hours. She's just hanging out, I guess.

Yeah, we go to go on walks. She loves being on a walk. She hates the thought of going going on a walk if she knows she's going on a walk she goes and hides as far away from us as possible makes it as miserable as she can for us to get a uh her harness and leash on her but the moment she's out the door she's perfectly fine she's got weird quirks like that that's weird but i i meant more like actually just insane mandy's parents had a dog uh she passed away recently not that recently a year ago two years ago uh but anyway it's a it was a she was a snoodle schnauzer poodle mix his poodles are very smart and she had like the smarts of a poodle uh but with something was not

quite right with this dog it was a thing where like um she was kind of jumpy she would bark which is not weird she would bark at noises she would bark at people that was normal dog behavior but one time she was my dad was traveling with uh mandy's parents and and my dad had this dog roxy on his lap for like five hours like it's a long drive it's like an eight hour road trip and roxy sat with my dad for a long time and they were cool they hung out and then they stopped somewhere to go to the bathroom or whatever they stopped at a rest stop my dad lets the dog jump down out of the car gets out of the car holding the leash stands up next to her and roxy freaks out like she's never seen him before in her life and starts barking at him and screaming

like a psychopath and like it's one of my dad's favorite stories because he was so fucking confused because he just spent all this time getting to know this dog but also she uh she had to eat her food on the floor because the sound of her own collar occasionally hitting the bowl because the edge of the bowl sticks up up into the neck area uh scared her and she was afraid of bowls so like she was a fun dog she'd run around she's she's still a dog but she had like human problems she was smart enough where she would sort of understand kind of what's happening and she kind of did that thing where she'd talk if you you would ask her a question and she would kind of answer you know it'd be like

you do you need something and she'd be like oh out outside and like you could kind of tell she kind of tell she kind of was like kind of there but she was fucking nuts like some there was a screw loose in a bad spot somewhere uh but that's like the craziest dog i've ever known uh lucy is not crazy i hesitate to say crazy because lucy uh my mom's dog who there is another poop story about Lucy. It's not nearly as fun. Well, for you, those stories are fun. For me, not fun at all.

You have to clean up that one, too. Yes. I'll just tell it quickly. The day before I left to come to Los Angeles, I was moving. Literally the next day, my mom decided to buy a dog for me. And I'm like, this is strange. Why would you do this? I am leaving. And it just so happened that that dog was Lucy. And Lucy is a great Pyrenees. And a great Pyrenees is a big dog, even when they're a puppy. And so this is a quote unquote, tiny puppy that is suddenly in my room as I'm packing to leave. My flight is early in the

morning tomorrow. And I'm like, okay, I have a dog here. So I leave the room for maybe like five minutes to go get a snack because I'm like, okay, I'll watch the dog. It's fine. Come back. And I open the door and then that same wall of smell hits me. And I'm just like, what? No, it can't be. Oh, this is before.

So it's not like I had horrible memories. I was predicting the future with my visions. But there was poop all over the door and floor. And I had a carpet here. I didn't have hardwood last time. So what happened is Lucy had pooped on the floor and then dipped her paws in it and decided to be artistic and paint my door with poop. And so instead of packing, I got to clean.

And so, yeah, that's that story. But Lucy is a little nuts. Because if people know Great Pyrenees, they're very large, and they're working dogs. I think they've been quoted as saying like a Great Pyrenees will follow commands, but begrudgingly, you know, as if it knows it doesn't have to, it only does it out of politeness. And that's kind of Lucy do it. Lucy wants to be outside all the time. But also, Lucy does not like other dogs. And this is why it's very important to keep your dog on a leash if you are walking your dog. It's not that Lucy is a bad dog.

Lucy is a working dog. And Lucy's job in her lineage is to kill coyotes and wolves and protect livestock. That is Lucy's job. And my mom also has like four tiny little dogs so that is the livestock that my mom's dog lucy protects any other dog even chica she does not like she doesn't like anything getting close to her babies and and even chica who is like the sweetest dog in the world she would growl at chica but if if lucy meets another dog when they're walking very aggressive But if Lucy meets another dog when they're walking, very aggressive, very like, don't come near.

This is my mom here. You don't come close. And it's like one of those things where it's like, yeah, some dogs are meant to work and that dog has a job and that's protecting those tiny puppies. So no, no, nothing bad has happened. But she's a she's 125 pounds of very aggressive dog. Not very aggressive. She's the sweetest girl in the world.

Like it's only when she doesn't know another dog. That's literally it. She's very protective. I mean, some dogs are just like that. I feel like you raised an important point. I see this online quite a bit. I'm on Reddit and TikTok and I see these things. This is not usually an informative or factual thing, but since it came up, I feel obligated

to say, keep your damn dogs on a leash. I understand that your dog may be the best trained dog in the world. I understand that they might have perfect recall that if no matter what's happening, you can be like, come here and they'll come and heal and sit right next to you. That's not what this is about. You leashing your dog is not to protect other people from your dog necessarily maybe you have a dog that's that has you know an abusive history or something they have some reason where they're not safe and you need to keep them from doing anything

and keep them safe but other people's dogs you have no idea what the hell is up with them like lucy i've seen lucy i've not met her in person but she looks like a sweet dog. Pyrenees are often described as very chill, good guardians, very relaxed until their family, their pack is approached by a stranger. And then they're just protective. But she's like you said, she's 125 pounds. These dogs are huge. For the law of God, just leash your dogs. There's people in my neighborhood and their dogs are like elderly, so they don't do anything. They're fine. But they just walk around with their dogs unleashed and their dogs do not listen. And it's not a problem. Luckily for me, Lexi is chill.

Lexi loves dogs and she's tiny, so she can't really hurt them anyway. She's harmless. But like if I was a person who had a big dog like Lucy or another breed that was defensive or not dog friendly, it terrifies me that people walk around and you're like trying to keep your dog safe and do what's best. And then someone else is just going to let their dog run up and do whatever. And then if your dog bites their dog, your dog gets in trouble because their owner is not being responsible.

So just use a leash. I know it's not fun. Yes. If you want to go to a park, get one of those 50 foot long leashes. But like, it's a mutual respect thing. It's not just to keep your dog safe. It's because you don't know what other dogs are around, for the love of God. Yes.

To rewind to the crazy dog story, have you guys ever had a dog that has separation anxiety? Not too bad. Lexi a little, but not too bad. We had a German Shepherd with separation anxiety. And German Shepherds are notoriously brilliant dogs. They are very smart. Yeah. Very capable of doing like a lot of things normal animals are not.

And Max was no exception. We tried to keep him in in a crate he found ways to open it and get out we locked his crate and he found a way to disassemble it from inside and get out and uh among the victims of max's escapades were a couch that my mom had from like her marriage with my older siblings father that was like a very valuable couch he annihilated it two doors two floors floors floors he destroyed like the carpet ripped it up dug to the wood oh okay um jeez he also spent time outside he had uh we had like an invisible fence so he was able to like run around outside well one day he was out there my mom went to work it was a beautiful day so he was outside however when my mom went to work he It was a beautiful day. So he was outside. However, when my mom went to work, he was like, oh, I want to go too. And his idea of going was somehow opening up the car door to my car and getting into my car, which it was a beautiful day.

But in my car, which had like black leather interior, it was not a beautiful day. It was way too hot for him to be locked in there. And he managed to open the door and get in my car. He didn't end up going and then he started overheating couldn't get access to water anything uh and tried to get out he did not figure out how to get out of my car but he tried to eat his way out oh my god and he did four thousand dollars worth of damage to my interior by trying to chew his way out and i remember waking up because you guys know me i don't get up early i sleep in late yeah and i remember getting up around like guys know me i don't get up early i sleep in late yeah and i remember getting up around like i don't know 10 or 11 o'clock in the morning and looking around

for max and i was like i cannot find him so i called my mom she's like oh yeah i left him outside i mean he has the fence on he should still be in like he's never escaped it before and so i'm looking looking looking and i go find my car and all of the windows are fogged up and i remember opening the passenger door to my car and just he flew out full speed to go into the house to get access to water and as i open the door he runs out just pieces of leather start falling onto the floor from the door i look inside my seats are all clawed and bitten to pieces the dashboard the steering wheel everything is just annihilated and i couldn't even be mad because like i saw the condition that he was in i felt how hot and humid it was in the car but i remember

making that second phone call to my mom and i think i started crying i was like mom my car is destroyed and she's like what and i remember her coming home from work and uh we ended up having to give max away that was like the final straw because he just we all weren't home all the time and he needed someone there all the time and he uh yeah destroyed everything with his separation anxiety he was so smart but it's like if he thought he was alone i i can't even tell you how many thousands of dollars with the damage he'd done to the house and the car i think the car was like four grand by itself the couch i figured how many thousands of dollars that was worth the doors the floor i toilet paper roll i mean you name it he destroyed everything yeah well it's lucky he didn't die yeah that's crazy i know

yeah i understand the car but yeah everything else oof yeah yeah the car like i said i couldn't even be mad at him because it's like it was very obvious he just wanted to get out and couldn't find a way out but i mean i was devastated about my car but i we didn't like yell at him or anything for that because it's just like my god how long were you in here yeah that's crazy that's unfortunate we had dogs with separation anxiety but they just like pee yeah on the floor or whine a lot well even small like you know small dogs are to me if they get upset like they can do some damage but like a german shepherd just the power of those jaws and claws is not matched by another animal i've had quite bitey yeah well now we know how weight's dogs are that was a big concern and dogs a reflection of their owners oh god lightning strikes my car in

the distance a semi-truck lightning strikes behind it no all your fears are coming to fruition too soon man we're coming up on the it's right around the one year anniversary of that happening i still don't have a car can't imagine not like we've been allowed to go anywhere but anyway that's the end of the episode uh now i have to pick a winner like i always do i was keeping track of points during that and entabulating things i don't believe you privately on my end and then the same as i always have done and then never haven't not done um oh it's close it's kind of unfair because i i i didn't laugh like you said wade the story that mark told about chica and the

boomba i also like couldn't breathe laughing the first time i heard that that's just such a good story it's so close yeah i'm sorry mark but uh looks like i went again really you really got your points for the murders wade yeah and the lightning bit and keeters being the cat that's never gonna die go on uh but the winner of the episode by two points is mark still what there's no i was also keeping track of points i won by at least 33 hey mark had to clean up like so much poop thank you come on give him a pity win come on i had to deal with dead animals come on just a pity come on what's worth death or shit ah that's a weird choice do you have a victory speech mark um i do uh wade is an incredible person he's a great contestant he really tried i did um he told some good stories i think i must have eked it with my

assists on those lightning jokes keeping it going that must have been the only difference otherwise you know it was a good game it's a good game wade it was a good game good game it was rigged from the start but other than that yeah it was a good game i did rig it pretty hard yeah it was but you know that happens it's like the super bowl or any other professional sport the winners are predetermined i didn't even ask to have points deducted this round i can't believe it i didn't even deduct any points for you mark just had just an absolute gem of a story it's not your fault it's not your fault wait thank you it's not your fault not you man not like this it's not your fault it's not your fault anyway thank you general listeners for listening to yet another episode of distractible don't forget make sure you follow this podcast wherever you like to listen to it

so that you know when there's a new episode but the new episodes come out on a monday so just listen to it on monday and then on every other day of the week and preferably multiple times a day if you can uh you can find mark at markiplier on you know youtube places wade lord minion 777 or minion 777 he does things and find me my skirm on facebook you'll never spell it right so good luck uh yeah that's gonna be the end of a great episode a real uplifting uh episode about pets murdering and shitting on everything you'll love to see it everyone probably feels great right now i didn't we do this episode already no wait oh yeah come on no no no we did it actually it was like episode 20 something yeah oh there it is oh dogs pooping our souls that's the episode wow guys actually it's the third time

we've done it we also have a dog's poop for the mother's soul. It's kind of a joke, but it also kind of hurts my soul. That's the end. Don't. Don't. Okay. Podcast out.