Distractible - Profession Confessions

Episode Date: February 13, 2023

One of us speaks in riddles...the other speaks in rhymes...and the other one hosts a conversation surrounding uncomfortable early job stories. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

So let's be clear. When it comes to shipping internationally, can I provide trade documents electronically? Mm-hmm. The answer is FedEx. Okay. But what about estimating duties and taxes on my shipments? How do I find all the... Also FedEx. Impressive. Is there a regulatory specialist I can ask about? FedEx. Oh. But let's say that... FedEx.

What? FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx. What? FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx, where now meets next. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection, free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda.

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For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Widow production. This week, Bob hosts at Harold's Limestone for cracks in erections and licks his hands clean after an expulsion. Mark saves groceries from being lost and gets caught red-handed in the condom jar. Wade stalks Mark, nearly gets stabbed in the back, and checks for anthrax. Yes, it's time for Profession Confessions. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted

and enjoy the show. Hello, listeners, and welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I am your host today, and my name is Bob. If you're new here, this is a podcast where I host, well, actually, that's not true. One person hosts and the other two compete. I'm hosting this week because I won the last episode, because I am the best friend in the world world and or I am a slightly better bad friend

than Wade is but whatever it's fine for whatever reason I won and as you'll see there are points sometimes or otherwise you know scoring or it's all it doesn't matter there's just gonna be a winner that's the ultimate the ultimate thing there's a winner could be arbitrary could be highly scientific who knows but one of these two men i'm about to introduce will be that winner either going to be mark or wade oh is that where is that where we come in hey hey i don't know man is me hi don't say hi hi bob you have 10 toes do i win Bob you have five toes on your left foot Which one is a righter? That's the real question

Unless you got your feet crossed over Then it's your left If anything Your left foot has toes that go incrementally Bigger from pinky to big toe So they're kind of escalating in a right direction Unless your second toe From the big one is a little bit longer

Which is a common thing in feet. Well, I think or not longer though. Yeah, I know your volume etrically Even if the one might be long. Well, you're assuming even volumetric Lee. He could have mentally he just said bigger He meant bigger longer Longer is longer. Yeah No, I stayed away from the length conversation by emphasizing the bigness of it which is inarguable girth and length both matter girth and length create bigness neither alone is big one is one is long and one is well what girth girthy yeah i don't know the fabled pancake dick would still be pretty girthy and big even if it's not very long

i don't know it depends how extraordinarily girthy or long it is but honestly i don't think that's the point if you want to understand what's happening listeners you better listen to last week's episode or else none of this is going to make sense but if you listen to the episode from last week this will all make sense clearly i think you'll see i don't think so i don't think anything that happened last week makes sense i think i think it'll make sense. All right. Well, what's the topic this week, Bob? Or do you care about us?

Oh, easy. Yeah, calm down. I'm a host. I didn't realize our small talk ultimately led to quizzes later on, so I just kind of want to skip it and go right into the topic. That's a strong attitude, and I respect it. One point for Wade. Thank you.

But before we get, we usually do small talk, you know? We usually skip right over small talk. What's up with you guys? You got any fun stuff? I don't know. Anything new? Wade showed up to my house with like a notepad and like binoculars. He's been spying on me ever since. Just muttering things to himself in the distance.

I invite him inside and he goes like, he shakes his head. I want to be clear about something, Mark. I didn't know where you lived, so I looked at a lot of people's houses before I got to the right place. That's interesting. You could have just asked. Well, I didn't want you to know I didn't know. But now I know, so I'm okay with you knowing I didn't used to know.

Okay. Is that fair, Bob? I don't know if that's fair. I can't judge. I don't know if fair is the word, but you know what? It's honest, and that's good. What, does he get another point for that? No, no.

Okay. I'll give one of you a point if you've heard of this thing that I want to talk about. Have you guys heard that they figured out how Roman concrete was made and how it's been so resilient? I'm lying, but yes. I'm not lying, but no. Ah, well, if you'd been telling the truth, Wade, you might have had a chance. I'm not lying, but no. Ah. Well, if you'd been telling the truth, Wade, you might have had a chance.

I was telling the truth about lying. I was telling a lie about not lying. One of us speaks in riddles. One of us speaks in rhymes. Who was lying all the time? Wade, this is where you join in. Hi, diddly-dee. Ha-ha-ha-hee-hee.

Give a point to me whoa whoa whoa pp ah classic does he get a point for that i'm just gonna take a nap right here until i die i don't want to get out of this labyrinth tell us about the roman catholic concrete or whatever you say all right so so roman concrete is incredibly resilient right the? The Parthenon in Rome has stood for centuries, over a thousand years. I don't know for sure. Parthenon. I thought that was made of marble. But like Roman concrete is so much more resilient than like modern concrete, right?

If they built a bridge, a modern bridge a decade ago, it wouldn't surprise me and anyone, you know, if you live with that bridge and you see how it is, I don't think anyone would be surprised to know the concrete probably is kind of crumbly after a decade. After a few decades, concrete, modern concrete starts revealing the rebar underneath it and all this stuff. It crumbles to bits. But Romans did something that people, researchers, think they finally figured out what they did that made the concrete not only really strong without any rebar or reinforcement to it,

but it heals itself, which is fascinating. The theory is that they think they figured out is that the concrete mix that Romans used had- Seamen in it. Close, but not at all. It had big chunks of uh limestone in it and uh like like way bigger chunks than you would normally want to have in concrete like you know they would they stick out they seem weird right it's a weird characteristic concrete you want it to be pretty uniform and well mixed and that sort of thing but the thing about the limestone is the way that they put it into

the mix it was sort of like scattered about and so the thing about the limestone is the way that they put it into the mix, it was sort of like scattered about. And so the thing about the limestone is when a crack would form, that would expose the interior of the concrete, whatever it was, building, bridge, whatever structure thing to water, right? Water would get into the crack. It would seep into that new hole in the concrete, but the limestone mixed into the concrete dissolves when water touches it. And it would actually create like a new calcification where the water would go into the crack, it would dissolve the limestone and whatever chemical sort of reaction stuff happens there. Basically it would heal itself. The limestone would create calcification that would

fill the crack and like expand out into the crack because of the water getting in there so literally the romans had a technique for making concrete where it it heals itself it fixes itself and it's incredibly resilient aqueducts and buildings and things standing for centuries when modern concrete buildings you know crumble to bits after 50 years so it's i don't know how this is going to be used in modern technology, if anyone gives a shit, but I think it's fascinating because I've been to Rome and I've seen the Parthenon and tons of other very old Roman structured things. It's insane that all these buildings have been standing for this long and they're made

of just poured concrete buildings. So it's the calcification. Interesting. Interesting. Yeah. So if they just gave the concrete milk, could milk build strong bones and strong concrete walls? Absolutely. If you ever see concrete with big cracks in it, looks like it's crumbling away.

Just pour some milk in there. And that'll... So he was right about semen. It's the same thing. Right, right. Milk is cow semen. Got it. That's white.

And both go well with Cheerios. That's white. Mm-hmm. And both go well with Cheerios. Mm-hmm. Mm. One of us speaks in riddles. One of us speaks in rhymes. Which one's telling the truth? You're all making this seem very boring, but it's cool, okay? It is cool.

It is really cool. Is limestone hard to come by? Could they get enough limestone to do that with roads and things? There's a lot of limestone. I don't think limestone... Yeah, I think limestone is a fairly common because it basically forms well no i'm not gonna say that i don't know how limestone forms but it's it's something that forms pretty commonly it's when limes fall into rocks and become i'll tell you how it forms limestone forms when these minerals precipitate out of water containing dissolved calcium

this can take place both biological and non-biological processes, though biological processes such as the accumulation of corals and shells in the sea have likely been more important for the last 540 million years. Limestone often contains fossils, which provide scientists for information with the ancient environments and the evolution of life. Okay, well, if we're going to go that route, you know what forms when calcite or aragonite precipitate out of water containing dissolved calcium. Oh, don't forget about that dolomite.

The solubility of calcium carbonate, otherwise known as CaCO3, is controlled largely by the amount of dissolved carbon dioxide in the water. So if you're going to go specific, at least give us, you know, the details. Well, okay, you're highly forgetting about how it's divided into low magnesium and high magnesium calcite. I wasn't forgetting. I was just trying to be... You know, the dividing light around 4%. Fair enough, you know. One of us speaks in riddles! One of us speaks in riddles! site. I wasn't forgetting. I was just trying to be the dividing light around 4%. Fair enough, you know. One of us speaks in riddles!

One of us speaks in riddles! My point to Mark for heading away with the hot spicy gotcha. Gotcha! Wait, didn't we both do that? No, but Mark did it last. So, thusly. But I did the last riddles. I don't know, man. Look, it last. Yeah. So thusly. But I did the last riddles. I don't know, man.

Look, it's very interesting. And I found that through the glorious app called TikTok. I spend too much time on TikTok, guys. It's a problem. Fair enough. Anyway, none of that had to do with anything that's going on in our lives. And that's the way. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. We like it. We're great. Thanks for asking. Is there anything going on? You guys okay? How you good yeah pretty good yes good i'm glad we stopped for that uh anyway on to today's topic and uh i actually honestly this was kind of inspired by last episode but it's not a repeat topic checked uh but today I want to talk about something I feel like anyone who has worked or volunteered or, I don't know, done any sort of group project, I think a lot of people will

relate to weird, funny, and or crazy stories from work and or things that are like work. I will never forget, I think I lied in the last episode too. I said my first job was at Kroger. That was actually not true. My second job was Kroger. My first job. You lied to Mark on the day of his quiz? That's minus three points.

I'm the winner. Yeah, I lied to win. I lied and then the subreddit knows the truth. It's a conspiracy. Well, technically it would have been only one point difference and he was two up. So he still won one.

But if you'd found out he was lying, you never would have given the softball blue Yeti question. I would have gotten that. Then I would have been a point up difference and he was two up so he still won one. But if you'd found out he was lying and everyone would give him the softball blue yeti question I would have gotten that then I would have been a point up. True. It's true. Wade's figured it out. Which one of us is telling the riddle and which one of us is telling the... I hate that. All the points are reset for that bit

continuing beyond the first part. Well you know it's going to keep coming. Have you ever heard of the ship of theseus my first job the guy was weird and he made us do boob stuff is that enough to pique your interest yeah there you go let me get to it where were you let me get to the thing so my very first job i got it was at a papa murphy's which is a take and bake pizza restaurant where we put together a pizza, but it's on raw dough and you bring it home and bake it in your own oven, which seems like a little bit of a scam. Okay. Boobs and pizza do go well together. Go on.

But so part of that job, I got that job because a friend was working there and was like, we need people in the store. Do you want a job? And he got me the job. And part of the job is preparing the dough, right? We made the dough fresh in the restaurant. And part of making the dough was you have to like mix it up and then make it into a big ball, but then you cut it into a bunch of smaller things. And then you sort of put it through this machine that like stretches it out, but then you put form it back into balls. So it's, I don't really remember, but basically there's a lot of making of balls what you end up with is little dough balls that are as the owner and weirdest man i've ever worked for i think put it about the size shape and feel of a nice pair of tatas uh yeah and the way you typically flatten them out if i

remember right is you duct tape them to your chest and you go jogging and as you're bouncing your breasts the dough flattens out into a perfect pie. It stretches naturally out into exactly the shape of a pizza. I feel like this is somehow offensive, but I can't put my finger on it. Yeah, right. There's something about it. Like this was a, this was like a 50 year old man. He and his wife owned this place, but he was in there a lot, showing us how to do stuff and, you know, teaching us how to run the, run the store and do the, whatever, make the dough, prepare the the ingredients and every time we made the we did the dough and made it into the the dough balls where then you put it you know put in the cooler and it sort of

like rests or rises or whatever dough does every time he would just talk the whole time he's like yeah make some nice tata boys shape them up real good. Like, use both hands. I'm curious. Make those tatas. What is the perfect pair of tatas? Because I feel like all tatas are pretty damn good. Small, big, medium, whatever. So I'm guessing he had a particular size in mind, or was it literally whatever size you made,

he was just like, ah, perfect. I mean, we made different sized dough balls, right? Because you want different amount. You would weigh the dough, and you want a different weight. Ah, because they're small, medium, large, and extra large. Yeah. Actually, the sizes at this restaurant were small, medium, large, and extra large. Yeah. Actually, the sizes at this restaurant were small, medium, large, and honkers. Okay, hold on.

I'm sensing a theme almost. One of us speaks innuendos. Is there a riddle or a rhyme over there? No, I'm thinking that might be an exaggeration. But anyway, this is just a thing that has stuck with me, right? It was creepy. I can't put my finger on it, but it's weird we were all dudes who worked in this restaurant so he was clearly like i'm one of the boys yeah right the boobs the tata make the top it's weird and it's just stuck with

me and i feel like i have tons of other stories too because i've i worked on a college campus and weird shit happens around college campuses but i feel like everyone who's had a job or anything like that there's gotta be these funny or weird or creepy moments that just stick with you quick question that's what i want the topic to be today what so i'm guessing all of your pie crusts were round right yeah if you made a square pizza would you roll it into a cube instead of a ball first how do you roll what how do you make a cube of dough well we didn't make square pizzas so to answer your question directly i don't know i guess yeah i don't know i i don't know i guess i was curious how you would do it actually you know what i i worked at another pizza place where we did make square pizzas and you actually do i worked at a jet's pizza which

is a detroit style pizza place and you make pizzas there. You do shape it into a rectangle to have it rise, but it's not a cube. It's way more of like a two-dimensional rectangular that only has a little bit of, you know, Z-axis. Anyway, why... What am I talking about? Uh, boobs. Uh, getting older. Honkers. Honkers, that's right.

Honkers that are getting older. You guys want a Honkers chicken bacon ranch from Papa Murphy's's oh yeah could open up honky's pizza we have a clown mascot tyler's favorite pizza restaurant this episode of go my favorite sports team is sponsored by honky's pizza sorry tyler yeah anyway i want hear your stories. I know we all have this weird job now where we do YouTube and we do this podcast. And there are plenty of funny stories from what we do. But that's because we have a fake job that's not real. And when are we going to get a real job, you dirty hippie? Us dirty hippies?

Whatever. Oh, so you're calling our audience? We all have worked like part-time gigs. You know, Mark worked in a restaurant. We worked there together. Kind of. Not together because you were a bartender, which means you were better than me. worked in a restaurant. We worked there together. Kind of. Not together because you were a bartender

which means you were better than me. I was a bartender for like two weeks. Yeah, who's better than who? I don't know. Damn.

But yeah, so hit me. What do you got? Give me some titles. Mark worked as a bartender for like two weeks, right? Yeah, well, I know him better than you

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And it felt a little like... life's a trip make the most of it at best western but yeah let's do it old school. Hit me with some titles. Tell me some funny stories. Some ridiculous things. Do it. Do it. And I shall judge you. Okay. I got a title. Yeah? I got a title too. Mark first. My title is If I Just Move

Slowly Enough. Yeah. Intriguing. I'm peaked. My interest is peaked. Oh jeez. I'm peaked. My interest is peaked. Oh, jeez. I'm peaking. What do you got, Wade? Yeah, I killed him. But hang on, I'm peeing. What the fuck?

I'm sorry, Mark. Wade has to go first. Damn, he picked the riddle, not the rhyme. Wade's leading off with a banger. Point for Wade. Thank you. Thank you. So I think you guys know this, but for a long time, I, like Bob, wanted to be an attorney.

So I got a job as a clerk at the federal courthouse in Cincinnati, and I was working in the clerk's office. And in the clerk's office as the newbie, one of the tasks I was assigned was to handle the incoming mail. And because, you know, we had federal judges in our building, the mail was on a completely separate ventilation system. So that way, if somebody sent something in like anthrax or whatever, the judges were protected and just us lowly clerks would die or blow up or whatever. So one of my first times being assigned to the mail, we had to put on full like masks, gloves, the works or whatever. It wasn't necessarily required, but it was highly recommended

because you didn't know exactly what you were going to be handling. And I think I might have mentioned this in the past, but one of the pieces of mail that was common to get was prisoner mail, where they would send mail from prison following up on their court cases or trying to get an appeal or you know sometimes just being an asshole to judges whatever and we got a box from a prison one time and i opened it up to start processing it and it was a toilet paper roll have i told you guys this story no no like the cardboard center of a toilet paper roll or just like a full toilet paper roll with toilet paper on it. With writing on it?

It was written on. So someone had unrolled like a toilet paper roll and written a murder confession. They detailed almost everything about the murder, as far as I know, on this toilet paper roll. And when they were done writing their murder confession, they rolled it back up. But after they rolled it back up, they pissed on it. All over it they soaked this toilet paper roll with urine that has then dried and caked and so we had to try to carefully process a murder confession on dried urine soaked toilet paper oh and that's like that's like one ply like he's in the sheriff's jail or in prison or something paper, right? This is, oh, I couldn't tell you because the toilet paper was hard as a rock and they didn't

allow us to even like try to unroll it. It sounds like CSI needs to get in on that piss paper. Yeah. But like the first, like you could see somehow whatever he wrote with didn't, or she, I don't know who remember at this point, whatever they wrote with didn't or she i don't know who remember at this point whatever they wrote with didn't like fully blur like when you know when you piss on it like the ink didn't just melt into like unlegible whatever it might have deeper in but the top layers were legible and like it started off with like this is going to be a detailed account of several murders i committed yada yada yada and so like it was a serious thing that had to be processed but i was standing there with like a

mask on these like you know like uh latex gloves holding just a toilet paper roll soaked in urine with a very important murder confession on it and we used to get all kinds of weird shit that was probably the weirdest but most of the letters we got from like the prisons and such had horrible weird stains all over the envelopes whether it was blood or something else it was disgusting and awful and i don't recommend anybody ever do it open that mail it's terrible that's interesting yep so there is my tale of the toilet paper murder confession at least interesting so so what did that come in like a box they allowed to ship packages to you from from jail i guess so i think i don't think come in like a box they allowed to ship packages to you

from from jail i guess so i think i don't think it was like a manila envelope i think it was an actual box so i'm assuming maybe if they told like the people at the prison like hey this is my murder confession i don't know i don't know how that works it's been so long i don't recall what it came in because like my memory is of holding it and trying to read what it said on it and then looking around for like a superior to be like uh i think this is a murder confession but what do i do with this i can't send it to the like because once you sorted the mail you would send it to like the appropriate judge or whatever so it's like i knew what judge was supposed to receive it it's like i don't think i can just put a urine soaked toilet paper roll in the judge's basket and be like here deliver it so there was a lot of protocol questions

that we didn't have answers to with that interesting i like to imagine at the jail prison whatever the inmate that did that let it fully dry up and then brought it over to like the post office or whatever the post window and there's the security guard or whoever's working in there he hands it to him it's like what is this oh i peed on it so now it's all dry and the guard is just like i don't even fucking wanna i'm not gonna ask just i'll just box this up and ship it god damn it i hate this place i want to make sure i put my personal seal on it so i knew it was for me that's uh that's really interesting and also concerning but yeah i hope that wasn't like a minimum wage job um no and you seven bucks an hour to put on your anthrax mask in case you get

dosed by a piece of angry mail. I think I made $12 an hour there. Oh, well, that's worth it. That's risking your life money right there. Hazard pay. That might be wrong, though. That might have been my other job. It was between, I think it was between 10 and 12. I can't remember exactly.

It was between 10 and 12, so it wasn't minimum wage, but wild. I mean, obviously, you didn't die of some kind of poisoning attack or whatever. Did anything crazy ever happen where just an envelope full of powder that turned out to be like flour or something came into the mailroom? Or was that not while I was there? Not a reality. Yeah, not while I was there. They do screen to some extent, I guess.

But ultimately, it fell to us to make sure that we weren't putting any of like the judges in danger. But no, other than that, and a couple of, like I said, weird stained envelopes, murder confessions. Most of it was like just filing documents or trying to get like appeals and stuff. There were some creepy things like some, I think there was a love letter to a judge from a prisoner once, but I don't recall the details of that one either because I don't think I processed.

I just heard about it. But no, thankfully that was the worst thing that I dealt with, though it was always scary whenever you had an envelope that looked like it had gone through one of the saw movies and you had to open it and figure out what the hell was inside well that's interesting i do feel like uh i wish you killed somebody in the story but you know what five points to wade for an interesting story and a really gross sounding murder confession as a bonus I didn't kill anybody, but there was a time where I came through after lunch and there was metal detectors on both sides

of the entrances of the courthouse. So people had to go through that before they could come in. And there was a time where I was going through and a guy behind me pulled out a knife and tried to run through the metal detector right behind me. And one of the security guys like ran past me and tackled him as I was walking there. That was scary.

That is scary. scary yeah that's not great yeah so that's my bonus almost murdered story i don't know if he was gonna stab me or if he was just i don't know what he was doing but he pulled out a knife and it's right behind me apparently anywho uh good dodging or whatever you did i'm not gonna add any more points though you have five points clerk's best job ever it sounds like it ish. Huh. Well, Mark. Yes. What if you just move slowly then? Yes. So this is back at my first job, which if I'd told the story sooner, you might know that my first job was at Kroger.

Oh, valuable information. I'll remember that. Yeah, I worked as a non-food stocking clerk, which means I'm in charge of everything that was not food. Even when I was working there, I didn't understand what the title meant. It wasn't until like many years later that I was like non-food. Oh, non-food. Oh, that was very dumb. I believe I was 15. And so one of my responsibilities, in addition to stocking the non-food shelves, was to take a shopping cart and go around every aisle and pick

off things that people leave behind. So people leave like random things in odd places and I'm supposed to go grab them, put them in a cart, push them to the back so they can be resorted later. Right? Sure. Very simple job. Very dumb. A few weeks into my first job doing this particular part of my job, I noticed something behind the baby food. I like scooted it aside and I saw a box of condoms. Now, like a box of condoms is actually in my department. But the problem with this one is it was torn open, right? Someone had ripped open a box, stolen out some condoms. Don't know why, just happens.

But the first time I had ever seen something like that. And so me being a 15 year old, I go, what? Condoms? Oh my goodness like i was actually like flustered at even the thought of someone seeing me like even handling this box of condoms but i put it in the cart and i started pushing the cart around i was like i didn't i pushed it out of my mind you know yeah but i saw it and i was like and i didn't have a girlfriend or anything at the time so it was like there was no urgent need for this but for some reason in my mind i went maybe if i had some condoms maybe i might be able to have sex someday i'd be ready for it at least and so as i'm pushing my cart through the aisles i start slowing down physically

like the cart because i'm thinking like okay it's in that it's in like where you know you you scoot out the baby thing and it's like you'd sit a toddler in there. So it's at the top part of that. And I had positioned it very carefully for there. So that as I'm pushing the cart, I could slowly move my hand like off of the grip and down and try to grab a condom out of it. And I'd be like, I'll just pocket one and then I'll have one. And then I will have the condom power. But I didn't realize.

I didn't realize the condom power. But I didn't realize, I didn't realize condom power. I didn't realize that, you know, I thought all the ladies would be like, Whoa, you have a condom. Oh yes. I want you.

Now that looks like the kind of guy that has a condom in his wallet. I didn't know you were a man. Did you know that six years later you would have sex? Was it with that condom? Man, you know the year. I know you. Please tell me it was with that condom that was definitely not expired by then. I hope not.

No. So I reach into the box eventually after moving to a snail's place because I knew they had cameras. And I felt like every camera i felt like every camera was gonna look at me as soon as i started making my move so i had to move very slowly and i reach in and i'm like i'll just pull out one and then i ran into the first problem which condoms are in a roll of perforated string you have to tear it off of the sometimes i guess other condom boxes are just single but this one was a roll most of them tear them off it's like condoms by the foot yeah exactly and i couldn't do this one was a roll most of them are him off. It's like condoms by the foot Yeah, exactly, and I couldn't do this one-handed especially considering as a small box I'm trying to like stick my hand in there's not enough room, so I'm like I'm panicking. I'm like sweating I'm in the middle of like I don't know what aisle but probably green beans or something like that

And I'm just like like so no my heart is pounding out of my chest because my hand you dial my hand is giant hounding out of my chest because my hand... My hand is... You're a giant. I'm a giant. My boss would come around the corner and just be like, what are you doing in the food section? You're not food. And just stomp stomp. I'm like

sweating and I just eventually I have to... Because my hand is in the proverbial condom jar, you know, like the cookie jar. I'm stuck in there. The worst possible place to be stuck. Who stole the condom from the condom jar? One of us speaks in riddles, the other

in riddles. So I bail. I bail. I remove my hand from it. I'm like, there's no way I can do this. I can't. It's not here amongst the green beans. No way. I couldn't do it. So I I start pushing the car These are watching You know the thing in animations where all of a sudden the the things around you just start looming and turn into shapes like the Trees turns into a wolf and you know the tree green giant crosses his arms and just shakes his head at you

Whatever the hell he said, I don't know. No, no, no. Green giant. No, no, no, no. No sex for you. And I pushed the cart around. And then eventually I made it back to the place. You've probably seen it in grocery stores where there's just a random cart with a bunch of bullshit in it by the back door.

That's where I would put it because then they would take it back and they would store it uh you would need a condom for the back door i'm 15 i don't know anything of what you're talking about this joke goes over my head so so don't laugh like that ever again but then i have like this surge of adrenaline i'm mad because i i like lost my quote unquote chance so i i look at it and i'm still i'm if the camera saw me it would look like i was encrypted because i was standing there at that shelf of like discount items just like fuming like and then in a flurry of motion i like reach my hand and rip off one as fast as i can and then shove it in my pocket and i actually got like two or three i don't remember how many but i shoved it in my pocket and i just stomped away i stomped and i sat at the makeup counter and i just stood there and i sat there and i didn't finish the job i was doing i didn't finish collecting all the

shit i didn't stock any shelf and i just sat there for like 30 minutes as my heart was like i did it it was only a few years later that i realized that you can just buy condoms at any age i thought you needed to be 18 year olds years old to buy a condom i thought it was like cigarettes so i was like oh man that was really i didn't need to do that i didn't need any of that part of that so uh that's how i got my first condom that trust me they went unused i'm expecting the uh the store to reach out with a lawsuit soon to reclaim their lost condom what's the statute of limitations on this i don't know come on lawyers give me a riddle give me a rhyme what do i got you're gonna do time you stole a condom. You're going to jail, you evil boy.

You'll also go to hell. I like that one less. One of us speaks in rhymes. Is that a riddle or a rhyme? I don't know why, but when you were talking about your fear of your manager just stomping around the corner, I went down a rabbit hole in my own mind of imagining ways you'd get out of that. Like he walked

up and you were just like, I'm just counting them to see how many were stolen. Several are missing. Or like the manager comes up behind you and is like, hey, what are you doing? And you're like,

you put your left hand in and you put your left hand out. I was just using this box to play this game. What are you doing? Here's a little balloon animal. Look, this is a doggy look it's a snake what are you doing i recreated how the thief did it he put his hand in the box and then took the condoms out we should give this information to the police i'm glad you're here you're just

in time that's how i talked when i was 15 If it makes you feel any better about this whole like didn't know condom age thing, the first time I saw a condom and it has like that little like blip at the end, I was like, is your dick supposed to have like an extra little tip on it? Like a tip of the tip? That is classic. That's like the, that's like finding the cherry. Yeah. It's like whenever I thought the pee hole was a third area on the woman's body yeah up until what a year ago you thought that yeah yesterday actually i learned it after that episode oh wow oh wait

my terrible memory i don't i think this was on the subreddit maybe i forget where i saw this but someone i saw something that made me think of you i think it was a subreddit it's a it's a tiktok or something it's like a video on social media of a group of uh young like teenage friends hanging out and they're all laughing hysterically and uh the girl there's a girl who's like oh my god stop stop i'm peeing my pants i'm gonna pee my pants and then there's a guy casually leaning up against the wall like the other side of the room and he's like how could you pee your pants you have a tampon in oh everyone in the room is like bro well and he's like what she has a tampon in how could how are you gonna pee around that can't be your pants you got a tampon i think it was in the subreddit because I think someone was like, This is Wade! Wade thinks this!

Oh, goddammit. Most of what I see on the subreddit is like, Ha! This reminded me of Wade. Great. I'm assuming it's not positive things, typically. It's a mix. Hey, I think you're winning the war or whatever the hell happened. I don't know. Oh, hell yeah. What are we fighting? There's like a civil war uh will has an

army now i don't know the details i can't be bothered oh shit we're winning go team or guys stop depending on the reasoning uh anyway i love that story mark i feel like i've had that i don't know how common that is but i definitely have had that thing where there was like an opportunity at work to where technically is like stealing but also you know mine was probably like i had the opportunity to get a free sandwich at jimmy john's and i was like oh sneak it into my bag instead of throwing it out like i'm supposed to not as cool as condoms but you know yeah it's like at a udf when the ice you're supposed to clean up the soft serve machines it's like well we're about to dump all this anyway i guess just put a little soft serve in a cup before we clean it out yeah who's who's getting hurt dude ichiban i ate almost everyone's leftovers and that's probably much more disgusting like i i am i'm not ashamed

yeah no this is an interesting thing i did not do that at Ichiban generally because I didn't. I was a busser, so I was out where people could see me more in the restaurant a lot of the time, even though I could have hidden in the kitchen. Yeah. But this is a thing I've seen hotly debated online. And I will say, I don't think it's that weird. I think if you're working in a restaurant and you have, you know, someone doesn't eat their food or whatever, especially if it's clearly untouched yeah what do you think wade i'm on the side of eating people's

leftovers whatever that they didn't touch on their plate i get that it's good food who's throwing that out i'm not gonna bite into something that they've bitten into like that's definitely out like i don't care if someone else does it i couldn't myself do it because my brain goes to like what if they sneezed on it or what if they touched it what if their plate started to slide and they grabbed it with their hand what if like I think all the weird what ifs and I could like I would not be able to do it you get that one person who's like I'm not gonna eat this but I'm gonna lick

everything on this plate one of the bussers thinks they're cool and eats my shit I paid for this I wouldn't do that but I worry that someone else would I I'm hoping I bet they're in the subreddit or wherever, there's going to be people who are like, Disgusting! But I hate to break it to you, anyone who's ever eaten in a restaurant.

I've been in restaurant kitchens before, and I can tell you that the level of caution that chefs and waitresses, waiters, whatever, servers take with your food and what touches it and how it's handled and who sneezes where and when that happens might not be as high as you might hope the standard is in a lot of places. Even pretty nice restaurants. Alright, next topic immediately. You know, it's good for you to get some other people's juices in your system.

Have you never worked in a restaurant at all? No, the closest I've ever done was ice cream. I dodged the food industry. ichiban wasn't exactly like a dirty restaurant i think it was it was pretty well it was pretty nice place actually it was really nice and everyone that worked there as far as i remember was like did their job was really nice you know surfers and stuff but this stuff happens it's people lots of people touch your food before you get it yeah there's several chefs who touch it there's maybe someone who moves it around on the line like the manager of somebody and then a waiter touches it or two

waiters touch it or there's a lot of stuff that happens and i mean if you've ever seen the particle simulation thing when covid was the first starting people were sharing that meme around yeah just imagine a restaurant full of people going i love that yeah sports team and then all those particles are floating in the air like everything is coated coated with everything. Yeah. There's no hiding from it. Never. My general approach to the... We'll always be together. My general approach to the world is...

Deal, my dear. If it grosses you out to like find a hair in your food, which I'm not going to eat a hair I find in my food. But if I find a hair, it's kind of like, ah, that's unfortunate. Hair I just pull out. If I see a hair, I'm just like, yeah, that's gross. I'll pull it out. There's a lot of stuff that can happen to food and you never really know. But it's not going like ah that's unfortunate hair i just pull out if i see a hair i'm just like yeah that's gross i'll pull it out there's a lot of stuff that can happen to food and you never really know but it's not gonna hurt you it boosts your immune system like i said so i never wash my hands

lick them clean use the use a public toilet then lick your hands clean never got sick a day in my life except all the times i was sick but just ignore that it was a coincidence unrelated uh but yeah interesting yeah i've never i really have never done that but i always avoided that more out of just like i feel like you know some restaurant managers probably would you would get in trouble for that potentially if they saw it and also i didn't want the customers to be weirded out because i i want them to come back to the restaurant i work at so i can get more tips but uh i think that's totally reasonable to do i'm sure that won't be controversial anyway interesting stories that's a five point story mark oh thank you which what yeah thank you your your initials the condom one yeah the condom you know what

plus one for a side side thing there that i found interesting thank you you want more titles i got more title yeah should we do another round i'm into another round you have another one wade uh yeah i think i've got another one let me think of a title real quick um wade's title first this time so whenever you're ready don't rush it though do a good one no pressure okay i've got a title you got yours mark you ready yeah i'm ready give it to me wade two scoops and sex advice ew well maybe it was too harsh how about what's your title mark mine is keep going sorry i didn't mean to cut you off that's the end

oh okay it's a long title it's a rambling title no it's concise that's a tough one I'm gonna give it to Mark oh yes yeah no I think using words for a title was way too cliche for me.

It's too normal, Wade. And if I expect anything from you, it's abnormality. Let's be honest. By all means, Mark, but I hope you sing only in musical notes and tell us no words. I assume Mark's story is just him playing banjo for eight minutes. Well, you'll see soon. It's actually not too long of a story. This actually took place while I was doing my deck building job.

There was one day where I think it was a situation where we didn't know if it was going to rain or not. It was like the weather looked like it would be raining. So we didn't go out to a job site. But my boss, who was just a character in and of himself many stories from him alone but none that need divert us at this time he decided that like oh i he still wanted me to work so that i could get paid and i thought like oh man i'll just get paid for today and you know oops rain happened but no he needed to get work out of me so he took me to his parents house

and i was extremely confused like it didn't make any sense at all. He just kind of like vaguely said that he was going to take me over to his parents' house and he would find some work for me. And I was basically captive. I was in his truck. He drove me to the job site. So I didn't have any choice in the matter. Like we, we carpooled basically. I drove to his house and then he got his truck. It was a Ford like F450 that could haul all this lumber and all this scrap so that we could build decks properly. And he drives me to his house and then he got his truck that it was a ford like f-450 that could haul all this lumber and all this scrap so that we could build decks properly and he drives me to his parents house and we get there and i get out of the truck and he immediately walks in and leaves me standing there and i'm like he goes and talks to his parents and whatever as it turned out his parents actually

owned the company quote unquote that was the deck building company they didn't do any of the manual labor of course that was it was like co- didn't do any of the manual labor of course that was it was like co-owned between him i still don't know what the situation was but they're talking in there and i'm standing awkwardly in the driveway just like oh i don't know i'm being paid for this and so eventually he pops around the side of the house and he waves me back so i go i follow him and he points to a tree and i look at the tree i'm like yeah boss that's a tree all right uh tree did i get it right do i get paid um well it was a cherry tree and there were cherries on it so what he wanted me to do was pick cherries and he was like that was the job

that i had and i i didn't understand i've never picked cherries or any kind of fruit in a day in my life but I was like okay I can figure this out. But they didn't give me a ladder. So it was kind of the same. A cherry tree is not very tall right but there's cherries all the way up in the branches. Taller than you are though. Well for a normal sized human being yes. Listen I was this is no time

for you. You. You. Shush. I was just agreeing with you. I don't know what the hostility is for. Shush. Very cutting You. Shush. Wow. I was just agreeing with you. I don't know what the hostility is for. Shush. Very cutting, Mark. Yeah. Good work.

So to give a perspective of what the situation is, there's the tree that's like by this shed that's the typical Midwestern shed that everyone else has seen. And the biggest compost heap I've ever seen in my life. And I have not seen many compost heaps in my time this thing was taller than the shed by far and it was just this enormous mound of like grass clippings rotten food like all this stuff it smelled horrendous like it hit me in the face as soon as i got close to the tree it was just like this wash and i know that composting is like a very regular thing.

Some people do it. And his parents seemed like very old fashioned with a larger yard and stuff like that. But I'm like, OK, I just got to pick the tree. So as I'm looking at the tree, the parents both come out bringing lawn chairs with them and they set it by the cherry tree. My boss, who is their son, gets another chair and they all sit down and the chairs are facing me and the tree okay this is where the comes in because i thought like okay they were gonna talk and hang out while i was doing this and you know sure they they said some words but the vast majority of the time like they initially were talking and then they went silent because they were all watching me fumble as I was trying to clamber up this tree with a bowl, grab a cherry, which is on a two-stem weird thingy, and yank it off, put it in the bowl, and do this one at a time through the whole damn thing. They set me up.

And I know this now. They set me up. They were not paying me to pick cherries. They were paying me for entertainment as I fumbled around, scraped my arms, trying to climb this goddamn tree. And I was like, they started laughing after a while. And then eventually there's a ladder around the back of the shed. And I'm like, you're telling me now the bowl's half full of cherries. And they kept criticizing me

every time one would fall to the ground. I was like, well, I can't eat that one now. And I'm like, why not? And it was just like, it was just the most frustrating thing. What the fuck? I don't know. It was just so strange.

The story kind of peters out there because I just like, I go get the ladder and then I finish the rest of the tree and then they just start talking. But it was just like, why? Why? I didn't understand why any of that had to occur. And also I had to walk of the tree and then they just start talking. But it was just like, why? Why? I didn't understand why any of that had to occur. And also I had to walk by the giant compost heap.

That compost heap really sticks out in my mind. I feel like the job and everything else was pretty clearly set out at the start. No, no, no. I thought you were going to like fall into the compost heap or climb up it to get to the... No, no. There just was such a big compost heap that you felt like you had to set that part of the scene up just so that we knew it was there yeah it was a red herring look it exists in my mind forever it has to exist in the mind of everyone that hears this story more than

the cherry tree the cherry tree was whatever it's picking the cherry was whatever the semi-circle of chairs of two very old people staring at me like slack-jawed watching me pick cherries that and the freaking heap of grass clippings just really sticks out in my mind that's i mean that's really like questionable and concerning behavior to me i mean you're fine no i mean like what my what the guy went in the house who drove you over there and was like, Ma, Pa, I brought you a boy to watch. I mean, basically. Get the lawn chairs. We're watching a boy today.

What the hell? What is that? I don't know. To this day, it still is very, very strange. What did they use the compost for? Did they have like a big garden i i don't know they just had a huge compost heap and i'm assuming it's just to break down their lawn clippings and stuff like that and let it do that naturally whatever compost

heaps are for i don't think they used it for well maybe they did they they might have had some like crops grown down the other side of the thing i i don't remember anything besides a giant pile and the only thing i remember seeing a pile of shit that big was your Octodad playlist. I fucking got him, dude. Roasted. I'm trying. I watched those.

I thought those were funny because Mark almost lost his mind. They are funny. But I can't remember. Was that a reference? I totally damaged my voice, but yeah. No, it was just an insult. Dude, that...

Okay. I just picked a random playlist to be honest. Not to blow smoke, I don't watch all your videos necessarily, but there have been a couple playthroughs. All of your Dead Space content is fucking great, and I've watched all of it, and your Octodad playthrough

is some of the funniest shit I've ever seen in my entire life. It is really funny. See, that thing, I think it's the expansion even, that thing where you're on the climbing, you're like the playground equipment, and you gotta climb around and cross the bridge and all this stuff, and you couldn't do it.

You kept falling down. Oh, man. Holy. That was the first time that you reached the level of anger that everyone who's the newer might be more familiar with in your um getting over it videos yeah yeah with the with the violence committed against your hand and the chair and controller that octodad playthrough oh man i'm glad we got to relive this god that was funny i remember that uh well it's funny too because we this is a thing

i don't really like rage games but very particularly octodad i played that with mandy we loved that game it was really fun we had an awesome time and you fucking hated it yeah and then uh i am bread too i played i am bread and like i'm not good at it but i was like ah this is crazy this is fun you flop around oh i thought you were gonna murder someone after i watched she play I am bread I am bread pissed octodad was okay. I am bread pissed me off Yeah, I love it so much where there's a game that I like that you just like can't handle I don't know why I'm sorry

Simulator is the one that I can never forget because of like him playing with you then almost killing me after yeah I dropped a spoon. I will never forget that I thought our friendship might be over when I dropped the spoon in game because the way you looked at me, I thought we could never talk again. Man, I don't even remember it because the rage blocked it from my mind.

I had never seen you that mad. I remember that morning because I feel like i had to leave after mark and i played but i watched a little bit you did and he was so mad after he we were just playing and fucking around and generally kind of having fun i don't know what happened now people don't believe me when i say i get a temper and it's real and i don't like it. It's not fun. But it's a very funny and like a scary can't tell what's going to happen

kind of. I get that to a lesser degree in Rage games. But whenever you were legitimately pissed off in a game like Surgeon Simulator or something and being the person

sitting next to you it actually feels like I'm a crash test dummy about to find out what life is like being ripped to shreds and thankfully you survived it and we'll never have to experience it again no one will we should get together and play surgeon simulator there's surgeon simulator 2 that we were we were playing for a bit there that had multiplayer yeah that's true we should play that again no we got to finish raft first guys you're right we do actually

did you know that scp game i've been recording some of that scp game that has some multiplayer to it too like the the one where you see the weird vagina face dude you can't look at it or you have to stare at them and you can't like the one where you're blinking and it's like random layout that's multiplayer now oh cool sorry that was random sorry we're gonna actually take a break from the podcast and just uh schedule some recording we're going to actually take a break from the podcast and just schedule some recording. We're going to record some games. We'll be back.

You know what, Mark? That's a four-point story. I love that story. I brought a bocto, Dad. I'm glad you survived. And at the end of it, they weren't like, all right, now fill that wheelbarrow up with some compost and bring it in the house.

Just bring it in. Don't ask questions. Just bring it. We're going to put it to use. Put it in the house uh-huh just bring it in don't ask questions just bring it we're gonna put it to use put it on the bed and look so i will say point for you wade for the octodad uh tangent yes because i love that very much but uh i will say that i've had people like come and work on the house you know like in my lifetime i've hired people to do stuff right to come and fix a thing to come and like do like pesticide stuff whatever like you have i've had people where it's like they're at the house and i can never tell what i'm supposed to do because i don't want to just like go off and and be distracted if they need me you know sometimes people are like well i need to find the your attic how do i? Or whatever. But I also don't want to just stand there and watch them and be like, what are you doing?

What are you doing now? But like, I would never do that. I would never put chairs out, sit and watch like it's a show. That's so concerning. You guys do that? Is that normal? Is that more normal than I think it is? I hover when people are in my house a bit, but I don't grab a lawn chair, get some lemonade, sit and just

watch them work. Yeah. I just frequently check in to make sure that they're working and not robbing me blind. Wow. Yeah. I don't know. You gotta trust people, Wade. I don't. But I'm glad they didn't do anything, you know, concerning to you. Well, not any more than what I

saw. Who knows what they did when I left with those chairs. Somewhere in that basement there's ahs tape with a secret recording of you picking jerry's maybe that's the real first video you ever were starring maybe it was you might be right all right well that was such a jaunt that i can't even remember the boring old words that wade used to make his title what was your thing wade two scoops and sex advice yeah that sounds good that sounds good not as funny as a song title but yeah i'll keep that in mind did i say that was a four point story mark yes good work thank you and a point for me for octodad oh i wrote it down i actually wrote it down this time great well i feel really

confident and built up for my tale so i guess i I'll get started. Then if that's all right, Mr. Bob. Yeah, I have pretty low hopes, so surprise me, I guess. Well, I worked at United Dairy Farmers for a while, which is an ice cream place slash convenience store slash gas station here in Cincinnati. What kind of songs played in this store? Can you sing one for me? We weren't allowed to have music except for Christmas time. Oh my God. Wow. There was no music. There was no joy. door can you sing one for me we weren't allowed to have music except for christmas time oh my god wow that's kind of there was no music there was no joy i'm sorry did you grow up in the town from

footloose and after i left they installed cameras even in the back room so if you took a break to eat they would know what you ate and how long you took to eat it fascinating that sounds fun this is big brother dairy farmers 1980 udf the dairy farmers aren't paying you to eat especially if you ain't eating dairy products no like we couldn't we weren't allowed to take quote-unquote food breaks because technically since we worked in a place that served food we were expected to just have fine time to eat along the way like it was uh it was something but on this particular occasion i've actually got kind of two tales blended into one because they happened around the same time one day i was

working just normal midday shift and this kid comes in i don't know how old uh somewhere between 12 and 16 probably with guys sometimes it's hard to tell because guys hit puberty at different ages which tend to be slower developers sometimes so it's really hard to tell somewhere in that age range I would guess and he walked over and typically whenever people that age come in they come and they grab like a Gatorade or candy Bar they go to the ice cream whatever but he goes over to like our medicine section I'm like, well, that's a little weird and so whenever people do something kind of out of the ordinary you tend to keep an eye and He kind of kept looking over at me while he was over there and i was like okay this is like two red flags already dude's like eyeing me and

he's in the medicine section what is going on and before i can like get around the counter to go like walk over and offer to a system or whatever to actually you know kind of imply hey i'm here what the fuck are you doing he looks at me over the shelf and he goes hey uh where the condoms and i'm kind of taken aback because i had never been asked that before in this store because typically you know people come for ice cream and milk or whatever and uh we don't sell condoms here really you guys have all this other stuff uh no we don't sell condoms because well united dairy farmers at least at that time did not sell condoms uh all right uh well you kind of look like you get around and I'm going to be getting some tonight.

Do you have any advice? Is what he followed up with to me. I was like, what? He's like, you know, I just haven't really done it before. You got any tips? Oh, he said I haven't really done it before? He said that.

Oh, I thought this dude was out here just bragging around like, I get a lot of puss, so I need some condoms. Well, he's about to get some for the first time, apparently. And I looked like I got around, so he wanted advice. You know, this weirdly reminds me of the first time I ever bought a condom. I walked in this UDF, maybe. Was it you?

I realize you can buy them. Where you got your condoms? My God, you guys were about the same height. You know, I only ever stole these before. I didn't even know you could pay for them with money. Where are they? I'd like to procure some for sex having. I thought they were earned like Highlander.

Oh, I got it. I don't even remember how i responded at this point i was so taken up because at first i thought he was coming to steal something because one he went to a place that you know kids typically don't go to and then it's a good shoplifting spot yeah when he kept peeping at me our udf used to get hit all the time for that yeah well it's right by our medicine was kind of like by the door too so if you were going to grab something and run like that was a good spot to go to i guess but also the fact that he kept peeping over the shelf and looking at me maybe because he was nervous you know about looking for condoms or something or maybe because he was like i don't see him maybe i should ask i don't want to

ask maybe it's embarrassing but you look like you get around do you have any tips was this wait was this afro wade well wait what version no no that i i didn't have an afro okay for many years before this i this was like right before i could see have an afro okay for many years before this i this was like right before i could see that for afro wait this was like 2010 2011 so this is like shortly before we started youtube so if you go back and look at my first youtube video i looked like that but you also have to imagine that i'm wearing a white udf shirt with a red or maroonish apron khaki pants black shoes whatever like i'm wearing an apron working at a retail place. And this dude tells me I look like I get around.

And to give him sex advice, I'm a 20, 22 year old man, somewhere in that range. And this kid's asking me for sex tips. And I just didn't, I had so many different lines were being muddied and crossed at that point. I didn't know what to do. So I don't even remember how I answered him. Fast forward two or three weeks. I'm working behind the ice cream counter. We are actually

very busy. I think we had three of us working. Two of us were at registers. I was over what we call dip side where we serve ice cream. So you come over and you get like your scoops of ice cream, your milkshakes, whatever. And I am helping customers over there. Two other employees are helping people at the front registers. Out of nowhere, one of the people at the registers like asks a question and I see one of like my coworkers look at me and I was like, what's up? He's like, oh, this guy has a question for you. And I was like, okay, what's up?

I'm helping kids get ice cream. I'm scooping ice cream for like little kids. And this dude goes, hey, my girlfriend and I want to role play. Do you think she should go for naughty teacher or naughty secretary? But specifically, I was the one that they asked to answer this question. This is a different customer, mind you.

You must have given off such a strong stench of an alpha. I must have been in the heat or something. It must have been Wade mating season, and I was given off a vibe for about a month. or something it must have been wade mating season and i was given off a vibe for about a month but twice in a month just as an employee at an ice cream shop i was prompted for sex advice you just radiate such undeniable sigma male vibes that anyone who's even in the same vicinity as you can sense that you i'm scooping ice cream for probably like a five or six year old and this dude asks me naughty teacher or naughty secretary over everyone in the place and not everyone just looks at this person like they're a madman. I feel like everyone's

eyes turn to me like how's he gonna answer this? well what'd you say there's a right answer i think i said i don't really know i'm trying to help somebody but uh good luck i think i said something along those lines to try to get out of it because i you know wanted to keep my job that's not the right answer there's something about having a scoop of blue moon cookie dough in a cup for a five-year-old that makes you not want to answer sex questions from someone you're not helping i don't know just in my brain it didn't seem like the right time what's the right answer by the way i need to take notes uh obviously school teacher teacher got it thanks well those are my udf sex tales i hope that i know they weren't musical or full of shit or cherries but i hope they were still good for you i like the idea that you you somehow by doing nothing and not knowing how to respond to these weird

questions gain the reputation as the sex guru who scoops at udf yeah they're like he scoops ice cream but that's not all he scoops with scoops like those you know he's getting some can you imagine asking a retail worker for sex advice i mean no i i get i get that you know a young man might feel uncomfortable asking well uncomfortable or also might get is get chewed out pretty good asking like your parents or someone about what to do or like condoms or safe sex or role-playing questions i guess uh but doing that in public to a stranger who's a shopkeeper of any sort doesn't seem like the first place i would go probably at least the first dude i was the one already talking to him i don't know why i was singled out the second time around you're just a sexual you know you're just a monster dynamo

yeah it's undeniable it's just gonna happen me was there something you did was there something about you did you was there clothes you did was there something about you did you was there clothes you wore or cologne or something what what was this what was the heart of the did you get around were you really getting it back then i guess no i was in a relationship with one girl throughout college i had a literally a white like semi three button UDF shirt and a red shirt. Well, Mark, to answer your question, it didn't go well. Oh. Yeah, see?

Don't do secretary. Gotta go school teacher. That's your problem. Damn it. I guess it did go well because I'm pretty happy now, so it all worked out. That's true. It was tough at the time. So you'd do it again? Well, no. I married. If I did, I'd be cheating. Oh, okay. But if you mean if I go back and just live the same life, yeah, I probably wouldn't change anything.

I'm pretty content. Ah, fair enough. I like that. And I've gotten away with not knowing anything about my friends for many years. It's been great. Well, we've only confirmed one. You might know something about Bob and whatever friends you might have elsewhere. That's true.

I don't. All right. If this was a Molly asking me questions quiz, I, oh man, let's just be glad it's you guys, right? Wow. Maybe, do you need to just talk to Molly more? Do you need some time off of the podcast? No, I need to listen and remember more.

Oh, that's right. Talking's not the part. I'm great at talking. It's everything else that friends do I'm not good at. All right. I'm good at being the one talking. Well, I got to tell you, wade that is definitely a whoops that's not how you type numbers that's a three point story right there we've gone from five to four to three but all right i'll accept it

well listen i don't know how many more stories we have i'm sure there are more but i'm gonna i'm gonna call it there and Can we tell a bonus quick story? I got a bonus quickie. Just like in Mario Party, I'm gonna be a douchebag and add random points to random people's scores here at the end. Yay! This always works out. Mark, do you have a quickie?

This always works out. Mark? I have a quickie. Do you have a quickie? No, no quickies. No quickies. This is the wrap up. Mark, you get one point for just probably looking so good in your deck building jeans.

I'm assuming jorts. Yeah, you guess right. One point for jorts. How many people asked you for sex advice while you're wearing your jorts? Weirdly enough, my boss did. All right. You know what? Touche.

Wow. My boss talked about sex stories all the time. That was kind of his thing. That's a definite point. Jorts, you look like you Touche. Wow. My boss talked about sex stories all the time. That was kind of his thing. That's a definite point. Hey, it's George. You look like you get around. How do you fuck? But Wade, luckily for you, your raw sexual magnetism is worth a point.

Plus one bonus point for each random stranger that accosts you in public and asks you for sexual advice. That's fair. That's fair. At least two. That gets you plus three sex points oh hell yeah if my math is correct which i don't know why i wrote it like this because it's really hard to read but if it's right that leaves wade with 12 points wow that's more than 11 uh-huh

let me see if i can add marks up yeah but it's just you wait wade oh wait i made it a tie mark mark also has 12 points yes man I really feel like I lost some points here I don't know what happened to what what did you lose points? I really thought those three bonus points at the end were gonna put me over the edge now something happened You do get his bonus point for having an extra story though. We're not gonna talk about it But Mark was all saying nay and in like that so you get the point for having a quickie wade great i will never tell you all what it is but he didn't appreciate it i believe him he's he's such a believable alpha sigma man fellow that i believe him what does that mean i'm a little

turned on what i don't know the beta oh you looking so handsome today oh that feels pandering uh one of us speaks in riddles one of us speaks in rhymes well that way definitely wins it's okay mark you got a bonus point in my book but i'm not the host all right well you look like you will be so i'll remember it you can't defeat wade's raw sexual magnetism his prowess his obvious stud like essence you can't beat it dude when i walk in the room with an ice cream scoop and stains all up my apron you know i fuck plus he risked his life probably because of the powder maybe that was in the thing and the piss toilet paper oh yeah i came closer to getting stabbed than dying from the mail. But yeah, the mail was also just terrifying in general because you never knew. I don't know.

I don't like this. Actually, keeping points makes everything so final and decisive. I think I'm going to go back to just randomly picking a winner next time. But today's winner, because of numbers and math, is Wade. Congratulations. Wade, I win one time and you're like, I don't like this system. I want to go back to Mark winning. Something's wrong with this system. I don't like this system. I want to go back to Mark winning. Something's wrong with this system.

I don't like this system. Hold on. It doesn't work out in a way that I like or enjoy. And I can't quite put my finger on it. But there's some kind of problem here. Anyway, Mark, do you have a loser's speech? You want to pick some cherries for us? I feel like I...

Wait, no, hold on. There were two there's two three of us? No, chat GPT. Hold on. Hold on. Will, don't cut

this out. Hold on. Hold on. We're waiting. Good math. Oh god, I gotta re-log.-log hold on oh it's at capacity no hold on um wait what are you doing he's trying to get a chat gpt loser speech aren't you a loser i gotta go i gotta go another uh route hold on uh loser uh i got it in okay the answer is within but i will not reveal it do you want to know what the trick is it's Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sitting in our apartment in Toronto on Saturday afternoon. Me and my computer, braced across from the other couch with our feet propped up against the edge of my bed.

Can you solve that one, guys? One of us speaks in your eyes. Please. Oh my god. Wait, no. Real quick. Oh, it goes on?

No. Okay. I got a rhyme for you. Oh, great. If I'd been on the side of the angels, I could have stopped Hitler dead in his tracks. Graham Greene attributed the third man. Graham Green attributed the third man There is something that can be called an ironic

story only when there has not been any humor involved What a great loser speech 10 out of 10 If only we had been angels If only we had been angels Oh my god AI you did it again

I'm really glad we went there I was thinking talking about career, sex advice, compost, we should talk about angels and Hitler. Obviously. It's so obvious. It's not even, it's too obvious. Yeah, good. This episode has flowed like a river.

Wade, do you have a winner's speech that sounds like it's written by a human? Yes, let me tell you the tale of another short story of work some other time. Thank you for having me. I'm the best You everyone out there wearing an apron, you know, we fuck we'll insert the mic drop sound I hate both of those speeches good work, I guess I wish I could undo that but that's not how this podcast works. We scoop we score baby It's not how this podcast works. We scoop, we score, baby. Is that the official UDF employee motto?

It's the unofficial UDF employee who bangs motto. Wow. Well, congratulations, unfortunately, to Wade, I guess. Make sure you follow Mark at Markiplier and Wade at LordMinion777 or Minion777. My username is MySkirm. Follow my stuff, too. Check out our merch. There's merch.

Store. Store. Store. DistractiblePodcast.com. You'll learn that one. One of us speaks in riddles. The other speaks... Stop. Shut up.

No more of that. That bit dies here here it's over now don't worry about it there's no riddles or rhymes because that's the end if only we were angels podcast out the leftovers were stacking high until Mark arrived

with gusto known only to a young man he rampaged across the plate and whirlwind like he cleared the lot we hope you have untouched food in all your future dining experiences. Until next week, on Distractible.