Distractible - Record Setting Guessing

Episode Date: August 8, 2025

Distractible has officially set the record for World's Best Dad, World's Baldest, and World's Shortest. Shopping. Streaming. Savings. It’s on Prime. Visit Amazon.com/prime to get more out of whatever you’re into. Visit www.rocketmoney.com/Distractible Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Oh hungry, oh Henry. This episode of Distractable is presented to you by Amazon Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. And I'm into a lot. You can't look at my order history. I won't let anyone. A lot of the show, I think, comes directly off Amazon. I think we all got our coins of fairness on there.

Where'd you get your stacks of paper, you scribble on, Wade? Amazon. Whatever it is, Prime helps you get more out of whatever passions you're into or getting into. head to amazon.com slash prime and follow your obsession wherever it goes good evening gentle listeners or watchers and welcome to distractible this episode bewildering bob belittles hero beans screen snoops then gets a guy's giddy over guinness water boy wade disbelies donar sees calell and the f f underestmates ishmael but supports the swinger methodical mark lord's galactus's massive head

Ed, PXBTA porn, Guerns, 69s, and Risks, Lady Luck. From myocardial infarctions to truly deranged tears. Yes, it's time for record-setting guessing. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome back to your nephew's third favorite podcast. Yes, that's right. You're listening to Distractable once again by accident. Thanks to your favorite podcast app. It's okay. You should stick around. This one's going to be really good, unlike they usually are. I don't know. I'm in a mood today. It's not my fault. It's yours. It's yours for listening.

Okay, good. Oh, yeah, not you guys. I would never blame my co-hosts, Mark and Wade. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks. You sound sincerely overjoyed at my letting you off the hook. well I was concerned because you said your hand smelled like barbecue chips and you did not eat barbecue chips which is you know yeah you never get that no no just you know is that just a me thing I think that's a very specific type of stroke but you know it's like in that

Molly Shannon movie a superstar where she's all and then she's a superstar mine smell like tears and chloroful what the fuck is Molly Shannon is that funny all I could think was chloroform doesn't have a smell. Stupid. Oh, okay. Does it not? Isn't that the thing? Isn't it odorless?

I don't know. I've never been chloroformed. We'll have to do it to each other sometime when we're all hanging out. That sounds like a nuisance video that we would have done. It really does. Is it done? I think it's a lot more dangerous in real life than it's conveyed in the movies. Yeah, I don't think you actually just like, uh.

Oh. I don't think that happens. I'm pretty sure. It seems likely that there's some. kind of brain damage or something that can that might result from that yeah pretty sure that whatever effect it has on the body is not a good one well any time that you've got in a movie or tv someone passing out or getting knocked out it's usually not that uh oh and you know they just go down like i've passed out when i had my mini heart attack and uh let me tell you that was uh that was a whoof that was a trip and apparently i was standing for much longer than i was awake and wobbling

So, yeah, I didn't realize what was happening. I was out of it when I went, oh, it's not going away. Oh, it's getting worse. That was the last thing I remember thinking. But apparently, it was enough that I bumbled around in the bathroom, knock things over. Someone came in was like, Mark, you okay? I looked at them, and then I fell down. That's what happens when you pass out.

That's a lot of actions to take without being conscious of them. Are all those required? So I want us to come in and say, Mark, are you okay before you allowed to pass out to any of us? just you. I mean, me, that I've the only sample size I have, really, so I honestly, I couldn't tell you. We'll do it again real quick. Let's find out. Oh, God, actually. Oh. It's actually not physiological. It's the words. If anyone can trick you into saying it to yourself, you pass right out. Like, wait, Mark, are you okay? He might not be. I don't let me, Mark. Are you okay? Oh, man. Felt a sharp pain right behind my eyes.

That's probably fine. We'll just keep rolling and make sure we get it on video. Yeah, I'm going to stand like this so you can tell if one side of my face starts drooping. Jesus. Just for my safety. But actually, though, maybe don't do that again. Yeah, don't do that.

Yeah, don't people don't do that. Don't make yourself pass out. It's probably not very good for anyone. If you remember when Eddie Hall, like, lifted 500 kilograms, the dead lift. Did you see that Wade? oh man it's crazy oh listeners i was shaking my head no i just thought about it because uh the guy plays the mountain on who did play the mountain on game of thrones the third guy thor half thor biornson i think he just pulled 505 which oh he beat it yeah he beat it well he had already beaten it by

one but it was kind of unofficial this was like at a sanction thing weighed plates and everything and he pulled 505 which you might be like 505 5005 kilograms that is that's big how much even is that in pounds, like at least 506. Hey, you're right on that one. It's 1,102.31 pounds. I got 1,11313.33. What's stupid conversion am I looking at? Oh, it's close enough.

Like, who wants exact numbers? Well, I didn't even hit Enter. It was actually the auto-fell thing that popped up, so it may not have been right. But either way, my point is, when Eddie Hall pulled it, like, you have to squeeze every muscle in your body for a deadlift pretty much, so he's squeezing all the blood. He gave himself a concussion. from the force of him squeezing his blood into his head. Like, you saw as he lifted, before he even got to the top,

blood was streaming out of his nose. Like just, it was. Jesus. Yeah, he almost killed himself, trying to lift 500. It's crazy. They go into like a fugue state. The lifters who like set those records and stuff. And then when they finish it or whatever, when they drop the weight,

they just like, and crumple. And it's really scary looking and crazy. And he even at the top, he was all like, Yeah. But he did it. He did it. He definitely did it. He's really fucking strong. I believed him before he did it. But now I extra believe him. Meanwhile, I carry like four water bottles down to my office. I got like between my fingers and my fingers are starting to hurt from the corners of the water bottle. And I get down and I sit him on my desk. I'm like, yeah, baby! I got a four! One tramp! Then you pass out.

We're not all built the same. You could be. You got the frame for it. Wade's built different. Not better different. Just different. Dead lifting, no. Lifting's dead to me.

But in a different life, Wade, you are like, have the height and I don't know what really else goes into it. But you could have been a strong man, I'm sure. Okay. No, that wasn't a discredit. I don't know what else goes into it. I mean, you kind of just need to have a big enough frame to carry enough muscle, right? Like, there's an upper limit on how tall and how broad you are.

of like eventually it won't stack out anymore you just need more i don't know the technical parts of it but i wonder what the ideal height for that is because like you look at some of the really tall people like the yow mings and stuff and they look really skinny for how tall they are how tall is eddie hall uh c-6-2 you're you're taller than him so how tall is half thor 6-9 is his name half thor or like what do you call him half thor this is his name he came out in his parents parents were like, oh, he's Thor. Oh, wait. Oh, he's like half Thor. Three quarters, Thor doesn't sound very good. I'm just, is that, like, such an inch, is he born and his parents named him half Thor? It's, it's just a name. It's from a different country, man. Yeah, it's not an English

name. Okay. Well, I don't know. Man, I don't know these things. He's just, he's got a name called Half Thor Bjornson. Do you think he's from Louisiana? Where do you think he's from? I don't know. I know some Bjornson's growing up. That's a strong Colorado. Braden name if I've ever heard one. Hmm, true that. From the mountains. It just, it sounds like a stage name, you know, like a wrestling name, like Halfthor.

Sorry, that's somehow offensive. I'm not, not on your side. I just think it's funny that you're still not letting it go and Mark looked it up and was like, yeah, his name is Halfthor and you're like, is it though? Maybe his name was Steve Bjornson at birth. I don't know. Mark, you know what? Segway

point for you. We're not even getting it to it yet, but just you already got it. I forgot you were even hosted, Bob. We've tried to have been chatting. I thought we were in recording. We haven't even gotten to small talk yet. No, we jumped right in, and you're right. We usually do small talk.

Do you guys have any small talk? I do, kind of, but, you know, I'll let Wade. Well, that's so kind of you, because I was definitely prepared for that. The thing we've always done in every episode of the show that we've done several hundred times plus now, you were prepared for it. I got a small talk. I'm fine. Go ahead, John Travolta. I saw movies recently

I saw Fantastic 4 I saw Superman I don't want to spoil anything but I actually enjoyed them I heard there were no sky beams in Superman Sky beams it happens not exclusively

in superhero movies but it's like a lot of sci-fi and supernatural stuff with something so powerful happens when someone is like summoning or big or whatever and then they just goes and there's like a laser

into the sky and it evaporates the clouds and that whole apparently this is the first Superman movie not to have sky beams in some amount of time there's some horizontal action there is not a vertical beam that sounds weird out of my mouth but that i like it i like it sounds good in my ears i like it a lot good that's what i was intending well yeah i mean i've heard good things about superman i've heard nothing about fantastic four i don't know i feel like there was a collective agreement because i saw people posting about fantastic four right when it came out, they're like, oh, man.

But then, like, I went and saw it, like, two days after I saw it, they, their posts were like, all right, now that some times passed, yeah, it was good. But I feel like when it first came out, everyone was just, like, collectively, let's either not talk about it or lie about it. I thought it was solid. I thought Fantastic Four was solid. Superman, I think James Gunn directed Superman, so it has a lot of, like, the Ragnarok slash Guardians vibes to it, which is very different than, like, the DC Superman movie.

But if you enjoy that vibe, he didn't, he didn't make Ragnarok. Gunn didn't direct Redenart? Oh. He was a Tika Waititi. What was the name? Oh, yeah, Tycho, Tyco, what's his first name? That's weird, because it has like, Ragnarok has the same kind of Guardians vibes though, doesn't it?

No, he does, did the Guardians of the Galaxy, for sure, but not Ragnarok, yeah. Okay, well, Ragnarok still has a similar vibe to the Guardians movie. That's why I thought it was gone. Because it's a lot more like lighthearted, silly, and musical. That's also Tyco Wai Tico. Tidi did. His project just before that, I believe, was a, a, like, Hitler movie where a kid had an imaginary friend who was Hitler. No, Jojo Rabbit was actually really good movie. It was actually really good, yeah. I heard it was good. Yeah. My description of it sounds worse than it is,

but it's like, that is actually. I've seen one thing about that movie, and it was a major spoiler, I'm pretty sure. Well, I mean, it came out in 2019, so I think. The Nazis lose. It is imaginary. I got to go back to. to Vegas and change my bet. That would be such a funny sportsbook. Like, hey, you owe to bet on the outcome of World War II? Take it all bets. If it doesn't change the next three years, you win.

We'll let you know what happened. But, yeah, well, anyway, it has that kind of vibe to it, I guess. Which is different for Superman. But I enjoyed it. And Fantastic Four was just a really solid, good Marvel movie. I have to say, when I saw stuff coming about like, oh, there's a new Fantastic Four movie. I thought it was a I generated it at first, because I was like,

Why would there be a new Fantastic Four movie of exactly the same one it was previously? But then I remembered that's how they, that's how they do that. I didn't know there was a 2015 one. I knew about like the early 2000s one, but I didn't know about the one that came out like 10 years ago. Oh, yeah. You didn't see the 2015? No. With all what's his face is Dr. Incredible?

What's his name? Mr. Super duper. You're really close. Stretchy McGee. What's that guy's name? Yeah, he got it. He got it. He got it.

Oh, stretch pants. Oh, yes. The Fantastic Four with Dr. Incredible. Yeah, who was that? Isn't John Krasinski, Mr. Fantastic, in like some of, in like the multiverse or something? No, no, that was in his cameo. Yeah, he does like a cameo in one of the other movies. 2015 Fantasy Form has 9% on run tomatoes.

That's not, oh, it's got the, uh, oh, what's your name? Her last name is Mara. Rooney Mara? Or is her sister? I didn't realize. And it has Miles Teller. as Mr. Fantastic. I think Kate Marr was the same one

that was in House of Cards, right? It's Michael B. Jordan is the... All right, I don't remember this one either. As Michael B. Jordan is The Human Torch and Miles Tellers, this are fantastic. I saw this on a plane and I gotta tell you, on a plane, you know, you don't have many options.

I didn't finish it. I actually stopped watching it on a plane. That's a scaling review. I've done that before to. I tracked on a plane with a movie on in front of me. I was like, oh, this is bad enough. I'm just going to sit here in silence

I was captured and being tortured I could either have my finger and toenails removed or finish this movie I didn't finish the movie I mean I was kind of embarrassed watching it because you know Amy I think was next to me I believe no 2015 you're like God I hope no one sees this on my screen

oh what if they recognize me they'll tweet about it oh god that people will know I think I like it but I mean yeah that actually was kind of it I didn't want anyone to be subjected to do it. Because you know, if someone's watching a movie next year or across an aisle, I'm

also watching that movie, just without audio. And honestly, I've watched more movies on planes like that than actually listening to it. So, uh... You know what happened to me? In this save vein once. I felt really uncomfortable about it. I forget what it was, but I was watching some movie on an airplane on the seat in front of me. And it was something that had a fair amount of

like violence. And also at one point, there were just like, there's some nudity. It was just like there were some boobs on screen or something, right? There was top, top nudity of, I forget what the movie even was. But I'm just sitting here watching it and then it gets to like the nudity scene and there's just like a half naked woman like doing whatever. And the scene goes on for a minute and right in the middle of it, I'm like, other people can see this. And I like looked around and there were like little kids a few rows back. And I was literally just like, oh, turn it off.

Oh, I'll play cartoons the rest of the trip. I'm so sorry. like it didn't occur to me because yeah i i look at i look at other people's screens obviously was not much going on and then i just had like a panic attack yeah anyone out there that is like have it ever said had someone say to them or them thought no one cares what i'm watching no i'm watching what you're watching and i am judging you but i'm also watching so i won't say anything but i'm watching it's the worst when you're watching someone else's thing and then they like reposition and block the screen and you're like oh come on we're like the movie's almost over come

now i got to pull it up yeah i'm not gonna pull it up on mine and like fast forward to the spot we were at and plug in my headphones or something like fuck i've had that feeling on a plane where it's like you're watching something it's like oh dear god i hope no one's looking at this scene but do you turn it off or do you just keep watching and be like don't look don't look don't i keep watching i'm too i'm not gonna this far into it i'm not going to change now speaking of fantastic 4, their popcorn bucket set a world record for the Fantastic 4 movie. Hottest popcorn? What's the record?

I read the full title of this article is Marvel's $80 popcorn bucket sets world record. And I was like, oh, God, the world record must be how fucking expensive that is. It's just popcorn inside. It doesn't have cocaine sprinkle on it or something. It's a full galactus head with glowing eyes. So it's not just a plastic tub, but it's not $80, but it also, the record it set was it's the biggest commemorative popcorn bucket. So whatever people decide it's worth the $80 are sitting watching a movie just like, I love this popcorn. I'm glad I didn't even see that prior because I knew I saw like almost none of the advertising.

So I didn't even know this dude was in it. Galactus? Galactus? The Fantastic Four villain? Once I watched it, I knew he was in it. I was trying to avoid spoiling that, but I guess with the popcorn bucket to say that's been revealed. Yeah, I don't think that was a secret at all. You know, I saw that Silver Surfer was a lady, and I'm not a comic guy, but I'm willing to bet everyone was totally cool with that, that there was no arguments, and all was well. I'm not a big comic guy, and I thought she did a good job and it was fine, but maybe, maybe I don't think that.

Yeah, appeal to them Yeah, appeal to them You're surrounded by 20 people Whose opinion you need to sway No, she did a great job Like everything was solid I had no issues with any of it But there are what is it

They call themselves the comic book purists Historical accuracy you son of a bitch I might have just made that term up And assigned it to them But that's what they call themselves I'm sure that there are people that are like Yeah, comic book purists But I also know that comic books change

Every fucking time They relaunch it Not the original. They're purest of the pure. Yeah. If you're a purist, you know which one is the correct one, and that's the only one that you care about accuracy for. You ignore the rest of them.

Unless they're fighting another character from another universe, then they're their most powerful version, and that's the canon one, period. Oh, wait, there's a, wait, sorry, this is so funny. There's a silver surfer variant called Silver Surfer Black. And you know it's called that because. as they didn't want to call them black surfer. Yeah, well, I think that might have been the right choice probably, given the way the internet functions.

Sorry, I'm just, wait, hold on. I'm just going to show you. I'm not sure if this is that comic. I'll share some real quick. I just, I went to click the first link I saw about it. God damn. What an angle, Jesus. For us listeners at home, it's, I believe, the Silver Surfer, or it might be Dr. Manhattan from the Watchman, but it is about 180 degrees below the top of their head, which means that we're absolutely looking straight up the taint.

Look at the, there's abs, and then there's side abs. Side abs, yeah. There's two rows of side abs. Wow. My armpit abs. Oh, he has four fingers. his pinkie's just doing the thing where it's like weigh the shit down okay weird are they walking is this a kick why are they making that face why are their pacman ghosts in the background

behind them who could tell that was my favorite scene in the movie i loved the silver taint scene gun actually used the shot a lot the the gooch shot was a big innovation in this fantastic four movie anyway uh good small talk wade Didn't even get anything. Oh. Yeah, I was just trying, I was giving, setting mark up. How are you doing, bud? Oh, good.

I don't know what happened in the past few days, but it, you know how my news source, which is a mystery and no one will ever know, has been dry, dry as a bone. An incredible slew of news has poured out of the weekend. There was the Oklahoma Board of Education meeting where nude women just suddenly started appearing on the TV in the office while the meeting was taking place. I heard about this. That was interesting. Wasn't one of the board members or the sub-president or something like watching porn?

And that's why that happened. I thought I heard that story. I thought I heard a story about during a meeting, a member of a school board or whatever was like watching porn. And then something like that happened where everyone was like, hey, hey. The article here just says Walters, who, was running the meeting and the guy who wants to put bibles in every classroom and whose office is now pumping out official press releases with gloriously deranged headlines like response to the most

absurd false and gutter political attack from a desperate failing establishment i'm pretty sure he was in charge of the meeting so i'm not sure who he's talking to as any suggestions that a device of mine was used to stream inappropriate content on the television set is categorically false i have no knowledge of what was on the tv screen during the alleged incident the alleged incident and there is absolutely no truth to any implications of wrongdoing. So yeah he was watching porn. Allegedly. Allegedly

there was a meeting that he was allegedly in charge of. There were allegedly naked women on an alleged TV. I love this. I don't know. I think this is the same story. This is another board member who was apparently dealing with some parents discussing an issue with

them and saw the video in this guy's office on the TV screen and describes it as containing or featuring multiple nude women and some sort of chiropractic table. That is a really great description.

Thank you. I'm glad that we know that now. I don't know what you all are accusing me on. I told you I needed 15. This is my cycling uniform. I stay healthy. The zippers are for wind resistance. Chuckie Cheese was arrested in Florida

No, Chuck Florida mouse strikes again Like full on Let me show you the picture Because you're gonna want to see this It's just him I hope it's just Chuckie Cheese behind bars Like still full costume

Or animatronic or real mouse Oh no Oh okay He looks like such a punk That poor officer's face He's arresting his childhood idol I love that they got the slogan where a kid can be a kid right above.

Now, he was arrested, just so everyone knows, for, I believe it was credit card fraud. So it wasn't for inappropriate behavior. He wasn't streaming nude women to the Chuck Echise TV. And they still haven't arrested him for the combining old pizzas into new pizza scandal. Unbelievable. They wouldn't do that, would they? Categorically not, according to the statements released by Chuck. you cheese.

Alleged pizzas. It's just a conspiracy. And then I got one last thing that I'll throw out there real quick, and then I swear you can get on with your episode. No, I'll save that. If we ever do another episode of this, I'll save it for that. Is there a chance we won't? We should, like, make this a real thing.

I think we should keep, I think we should kind of, there might be some potential here. It's a lot, honestly, like, I'm, we're not, we're not even, I mean, maybe halfway in this one, I'm pretty exhausted, but you could probably find a way to do it, I guess. For you, Mark. Nah, I forget I say anything. Anyway, bye. Just roll credits for two seconds. We have credits?

Mark, you got like four segue points. You can't even... It's just starting off so uneven. Is it the word alleged? Is that what it is? No. Five segue points. Keep guessing, though.

Maybe I'll give you some more. segue point. Oh, God, is it golf rules day? Oh, no. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. What do you guys think of when people say financial knowledge? Money, holding money, touching money, and then letting money go. Does it come back? If you let it go, will it come back to you? If it loves you? No. Oh. Interesting. I think of like stock markets and investment opportunities, portfolios, retirements. But it doesn't have to be complicated or weird. Good financial knowledge is knowing that you've got more money coming out than going in.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that shows you all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you forgot about. Oh, I just downloaded it. Their dashboard lays out your total financial picture, including bill due dates and paydays. I can automatically create custom budgets. Editors put it in my hand. Go to rocketmoney.com slash distractible today. That's R-O-C-E-T-M-O-N-N-E-E-M-E. E-Y dot com slash D-I-S-D-R-A-C-T-I-B-L-E, RocketMoney.com slash distractible.

Well, you guys want to play a game? How easy is it? I found an article. I feel like that comes up a lot on the show, but I found an article and I thought it was funny, and I had an idea. You guys are going to try to guess how many, how much, how far, how long, different Guinness World Records are four. I have a list of some kind of funny

and some kind of fascinating Guinness World Records and I'm going to, you guys are just going to try and guess how long can someone hold their breath, how many plates can you balance on the tip of your penis, whatever. I was going to say, we've done a Guinness episode, but not like this. Tip of their penis? I don't know if that's in here. We'll get to that later.

Are you supposed to tip a penis? Like how much? 30%. Depends on how good it was. This is why I like European. penises um no tips oh that sounds really bad

are you sure it sounds bad I don't know cut them off at birth no tips well that's America so that's just a Lincoln log you ew but funny but ew I can't decide so both you get both

hey baby I'm stumped you got me stumped up stop I'll give you a point to stop to stop. You never have that thought again. I'll give you a point for that. Just don't know what he said.

I'm going to roll a D20. Whoever the number looks more like is going to go first. I hope it's not a hairy one. It's a six. Oh, it's definitely Mark. We didn't even play the game. I watched him just,

and I was like, you know, I don't know what looks like a six, but I can't do better than that. Oh, Wade, I forgot you don't know your numbers. I'm sorry, that was pretty, you know, you'll get it. It's fine. I only know sevens and nines. It's like beating a toddler, but, you know, it's all right. A win's a win, you know?

A win's a win. All right, Mark. I mean, it doesn't really matter if you get to go first, I guess, that much. Okay, well, it's still, come on. The longest, the world, the Guinness World Record for the longest time, holding your breath voluntarily. I'll tell you who did it. Budimir Shobat of Croatia. Boudamere?

Yeah, old booty. Booty did that? Booty Booty. Hey, Siri, call Booty. I just revealed side chicks for people listening everywhere. Oh, well, that's gonna be a couple complicated conversations. Anyway, how long did old Booty hold his breath for? If he was born somewhere else, they would have called him half ass.

I'm gonna give you a point for that even though I didn't laugh, because it was funny. I was just mid-sentence. Give him half a point. Half a point. I spent this full 20 seconds deciding whether I should make the joke or not. And then I decided I had to. Uh, is this above what is, is this on land? What the fuck?

Is this? Wait, phrasing this is very, Are you asking if this person was submerged in water or not? Yeah, is it underwater or out of not underwater? I think they're just like sitting in a chair holding their breath. This is not like swimming holding their breath or anything. If it's submerged, is it supermerged to be above water? Isn't it e-merged?

Was this emmerged or submerged? Well, I guess emerging is the verb. So you're submerged, then you emerge. What's the opposite of sub? I thought it was super. Like superscript, subscript, superscript? Airplane is the opposite of submarine. Dom.

Dom merged. Dom merged, yeah. Was it submerged or dom merged? It was Dom merged, yeah. I'm glad. We're back to the Gip suit. What was the answer? Was he Dom or sub?

Dom, he said that. He hasn't said it, you said what? He did say it. But you just said he didn't say it. Then he said it and you're like, oh, so he said it. No, I said he did say. I said he just said it. I didn't say he didn't say it.

I don't believe you. What's wrong with your ears? Everyone calmed out. It was Dom merch and I haven't said how long yet. But it's surprisingly long, just like me. but not you I'll either show or tell I guess Mark you have been asked

I'm gonna go with like 30 seems too long but it's probably like crazy like that 20 minutes 20 minutes when was this set this happened in 2021 yeah I guess the advantage would be to go second

am I not I guess I'm not right I guess I'm very wrong. We're doing like Price's Right rules. Oh. So the first person gets to go first and sort of set the bar. Oh, so if I say 1959, it'd be a real douchebag, but man, I'd have those entire 20 minutes to live with. I'm trying to remember, like, I remember some magic shows where they're like, oh, he held his breath for like six minutes and it was crazy or something. I'm going to go like 12 minutes.

12 minutes does sound like a lot. That feels like a really long fucking time to hold your breath. Sounds like a lot. Yeah, maybe 20 was too hard. Old Booty held his breath for 24 minutes, 37.36 seconds. How is he not dead? 24 minutes? I don't know.

That's a long time to not add any new oxygen to the system. This dude must have unreal, like, breath capacity and red blood cell efficiency or, God, I don't even know how it works. It doesn't say that he died. It says that he did this and survived, so. You should call him trilong. I can't imagine doing it. doing a plank for longer than a minute. Oh, God.

A 24-minute plank. How big is your pirate ship? We're on something else today, aren't we? In 2001, Ismail Rivas Falcone from Spain hold a train over 10 meters using his beard. What record-setting weight was the train that Ishmael pulled with his beard. I'm guessing the train's on a track

and he's pulling it down a track. Yeah, it's like a, it's not, he has no assistance with the moving, but it's like a normal train that's like rolling on a track. And how much does his beard weigh? What was the question? How much did the train weigh? I don't fucking know how much a train ways.

Kind of Monty Python-esque question is this. African or European train, Twain. Twain. I think it was probably a Spanish twain. It was a 10-ton train, because I like the alliteration. 10 tons of train. Metric tons or imperial tons? What's a difference?

I'm not sure. A ton is 2,000 pounds. It's a metric ton. A metric ton is a 1,000 kilograms, which is approximately 2,204 pounds. So a metric ton is slightly more. So what'd you say 10 tons? 10 tons. Got it.

10 tons. So that would be 20,000 pounds. I feel like trains are probably heavier. But I don't know how many cars were part of it. Was it just the engine? But the engine is the heaviest train part. The thing that gets tricky is the fact that it's already like on a track and stuff, which... I just can't believe his beard didn't rip out.

Yeah, the one time he fails will not be pretty. They kept adding more cars until the beard came all the way off. and then he immediately just got medical attention. Okay, I've definitely seen people pull like a plane. I mean, planes are big, but planes are not so heavy in the way, because planes are made to be light, even though they're big, right? Yeah, but I'm pretty sure it still is crazy heavy because it's just a big hunk of metal, even if it's hollow,

that's a lot of metal and the wings. And if you can pull that, it's not the beard, mind you. Yeah, that's the part that gets me. I can see you pulling more with it, like on a train track, with your beard. I just have no idea how much a train weighs. That's the thing. I know, okay, I'm going to look at, is it just one car or is it?

Can you tell us if it's the engine or not? It was more than just one car. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. So it's got to be, it's got to be a lot. Then this has to actually be stupid high because I could believe like one car would weigh 10 tons. But if it's the engine plus, it's got to be like 50 tons. Are we doing this in tons?

Do we have to do this in tons? We're doing it in tons. 50 tons. All right. 100, thou pound. Okay. I feel really bad because I just actually looked at a picture of this. Oh, no.

It's a Fisher Price train. And this is the most misleading, this is the most misleading gin I've ever seen. You motherfucker. That's so funny. What did you do to me? Do we see the picture? Yeah, I'll share the picture. 50 times.

That's a picture of him breaking the record. Wait a minute. I feel like we were both this left. This is a car doing a train cosplay. All I had was words. All it says is it's a train. It's the heaviest train pulled by a beard, okay? For anyone who's not watching, it's one of those trains that they drive around. they drive around inside the mall.

It's literally, it's literally a kid's train that's designed for giving joy rides at like a carnival or something. It's just, it just is like a little golf cart that pulls tiny little trade things behind it. Admittedly, pulling that with your beard is impressive. I mean, it still looks cool, right? Look, he's got it's attached to his beard. Look at that.

Wow. I will concede that if you were to describe what he's pulling. it's a train with it is multiple cars but I really only see one behind it so you really tricked me it's a car

and there's multiple there's people on it I didn't even tell you there were people on the train plot twist it's still 50 tons uh yeah well I got bad news about that too I'm guessing it's not even 10

the the train weighed I'll do it in tons for you. 2.75 metric tons. Wait, metric! We were imperial tons. All right, whatever. It weighed 2.

Slightly less tons. It was like 6,000 some pounds, 6,069 pounds. You know, if you did told me he pulled a car, I still wouldn't have gotten right, because I've been like, what's a car weigh? 10,000 pounds? Now I'm scared about the rest of these, because I did, I have words.

And I was like, Now, this must be accurate descriptions, right? Says he pulled a train. Mark and I are picturing like the biggest fucking train in existence. I'm like, man. I had, I had, yeah, I had Eddie Hall in my head. I'm like, man, this must be some beard. It must be some guy.

I know. All right. Hey, you know what? The next one will be a thing that we, none of us have done, but we know something about. All right? We're funny guys. We do. This is a comedy show.

We're not stand-up comedians, but we know some things. So Mark, tell me, how long do you think David Scott from the United States stage name The Midnight Swinger had to perform stand-up comedy to set the Guinness World Record for the longest stand-up comedy show by one person? Do people have to keep laughing? I don't think there was any requirement of even people watching. It could have been this dude alone on a stage with a Guinness World Records person just there making sure he was making jokes. Where's the Dean with airline food? Either the Guinness Records Keeper there had the greatest time of their life and was just rolling for however many hours.

Or that was the toughest thing. Does it have to be original material? That's the question. So it's not super clear if he was allowed to like repeat material. I would assume that the point is you can't just say the same joke over and over until you pass out. God, imagine 24 hours of that. He could have, like, written down in memory.

I'm guessing he had to memorize. Whoa. Guys, breaking news on April 25th of this year's, this record was broken by, oh, it's his name, Benny Elbows. So we're now, we're talking about a different number now. Betty Elbows holds this record, okay? That's why you to know.

How many years between breaking it? Uh, the one I have was set in 2013, and on April 25th, 2025, Benny Elbows snatched the record. It took 12 years to break this. He wasn't waiting for the guy to finish his set. Don't worry. Did he have to?

It just stand out of the edge of the stage for 12 years. Like, come on. You're giving you the signal. Wrap it up. Flashing light means you're done. Do you know any of the constraints did it have to be memorized? Or was he allowed to have like it written, the jokes written out, anything like that? There were no constraints about like,

Because obviously, stand-ups do that where they have notes and stuff on stage. I feel like that's normal. The thing was couldn't leave the stage, couldn't stop, had to continue to, like, banter and make jokes. And it's not specific, but I have to assume it had to be at least relatively unique jokes. Like maybe it was just doing an observation and humor about whatever shit he thought about or whatever. But he was on stage for this amount of time and no point did he stop for long enough that, like, the person judging felt like he stopped. to doing stand-up comedy okay man that poor judge uh alone with a judge just stone-faced for months listening to this stand-up okay so they've done like dancing

records not that i know what those are but i know they're long uh people have done marathon streams you know for more than 24 hours i'm guessing it's more than 24 hours i'll give you that it's more than 24 hours all right i'll take it all right both of you can have that way to have that knowledge. Thank you. Probably wasn't two days because it is still an energy intensive thing. So I'm going to split the middle

and go with 36 hours. Wade? 54 hours and 30 minutes. I love your optimism, Wade. On April 25th, 2025, good old Benny Elbows broke the record by doing stand-up

alone on stage for 40 hours and 16 minutes and 48 seconds by himself. Wait, what did he say? around. What would we say? He said 56 hours. I said 54 hours and 30 minutes. He said way too many. Ah, hell yeah. Okay, so I actually was close. I thought I was going to be way up. But we could beat that record. Give me a stage. Flash a lie to me. I got this. I actually

100% believe that you could break that record. Given some time to work up a sub material and have some ideas, I could see you talking for 48 straight hours on the stage. Even if no one was there, you would just happily, you could talk. But you can't take a bathroom break, you can't take a... I wonder if he, like, had a diaper on or had, like, a catheter put in or something. Like... I always think, like, they must have something like that. That's too long to go without actually physically peeing, right?

Like, you can't do... It doesn't mean no eating, no sleeping, no pissing, no shitting. You can have, like, a snack. As long as you can make a joke while you're doing it, I'm sure it's fine. I just... I can't wait till that special comes out on Netflix, you know? Yeah, I can't. can't believe the uh the midnight swinger got knocked off by bennie's elbows i know benny elbows took out the midnight swinger in a classic stand-up showdown good man mark's killing it i knew you'd be good at this

one mark i'm killing it too right okay wait you get to go first on this one longest bout of hiccups Charles Osborne of the United States USA triggered a bout of hiccups while lifting a hog to try and weigh it on a scale started having hiccups and they lasted for quite a while

how long did they last and I'll give you a hint on this one we're going for a number of years here it is measured this record is measured in years because I remember here there's people like can't stop hiccuping aren't there This is not anything where like he had a disease or a condition that caused him to have hiccups. This was a, as far as I could tell, and it's Guinness, so sure they checked really thoroughly.

This is just like a bout of hiccups that he got and they lasted and they ended not with him dying, but they just ended on their own and he stopped having hiccups. Coincidentally, his favorite brand of music is Hickhog. I don't know what that is. I'm confused. Is what? Say it again. Louder. Hickhog.

It was a hip-hop, a pun. I like it less now. Six years. Six years. All right. Mark, what do we think? Have they figured out why you get hiccups? I don't actually know that.

Irritated diaphragm, nervous system disorder, metabolic imbalances like low electrolytes, low calcium or magnesium levels, medications can cause it, and gastrointestinal issues like gastritis, gurd, esophageal cancer, other things that would affect your diaphragm in ways. also can be caused by emotional stress, like anxiety or intense excitement. Yeah, lots of animals get it, though. So I wouldn't think it would be a disorder. I mean, almost all animals get it. Anyway, it's a topic for another day. When was this record set? The record was officially set and recorded in 1990.

I believe he's still hiccuping to this day. 35 years. Well, the record was set when his hiccups ended, just to be clear. Damn it, fuck me, man. You can still guess 35 years. It just stretches the other way. You thought it was being so clever. I thought I was really sussing that one out.

You know what, Mark? You were being clever. Charles Osborne attracted his bout of hiccups in 1922. Hickuped for 68 years. Holy shit. I said six. You did. Six was in there.

You're right, buddy. The T8 was implied. In 1990, his hiccups went away, and that's when the record was set at 68 years of hiccups. Damn. That would suck. Yeah, that would suck. Well, I guess he'd get used to it. He, I like the, I like the color commentary on this.

In that time, while he had hiccups, he got married, had a family, watched his kids grow up, watch them have grandkids. And then was an elderly man when he stopped having hiccups in 1990. He lived his whole life. Everything important that happened to him, probably, mostly, except for the pig part before the hiccups. He had those hiccups. I guess sex with hiccups could add some, like, interesting moments. It's very surprising.

I do wonder, no, it wouldn't have anything to do with, like, Tourette's or something like that. Because it can't be a disorder because every animal has it, right? They ever seen a squirrel with Tourette's? Hey! Sorry, sorry Sorry That's offensive That's offensive

You can't make those jokes Probably is I'm sorry I guarantee you That's probably really funny To anyone with Tourette's I don't have Tourette's And I'm not speaking for them

We can ask someone with Tourette's But I'm pretty sure they might say That was really funny If you're out there on the Reddit If you happen to have Let me know I read all the comments Or if you're a squirrel

Dude if there's squirrels out there on the separate it I want to meet them I don't know if I've seen I guess I've seen a dog with hiccups I'm trying to think of animals I've seen with hiccups I've seen dogs I've definitely seen like bigger animals I feel like I've seen a cow have hiccups

Cats have had cats I think I've seen a cat have hiccups Yeah probably I say like kittens or something I believe that it's not like Tourette's So I had another point To make while I was saying that it's gone It's completely out.

We're solving the mysteries of hiccups on this episode or something. Anyway, Mark, you get to go first on this one. That one took a long time. So let's go for a speed one. How Les Stewart of Australia set this record. Less typed numbers from one to one million out on a computer keyboard, the words, not the numbers. So like one, O'N, two, T-W-O, one to one million.

set the speed record. Fastest time ever to type all the words from one to one million. How fast did Les Stewart type one to one million? Okay. So he had to write like 100,000 da da da. So this is more than a million words he's writing, way more. Oh, it's an ungodly amount of words to be typing out. I can't do math that high.

It was a speed record, though. must have happened quickly, right? Yeah, but if I was going to go based on like average words per minute that you could type, but I don't know how many words that is, it would probably take so long that he would have to sleep. I hope that that's true, given what this record is. Yes, I think that's almost definitely true. If you were doing 50 words per minute, like average. And I, I would say, I would hope he was a more above average typeer. So I don't know where that falls, but like, 100 to 130 is like fast, like really good. At least by. By the time he's halfway through this, he's going to be fast anyway, right?

Man, those hyphens, those hyphens would get you if he had to put those in. So let's say, I would like to think he was fast, but you can't keep that up forever. I get tired typing. So let me just round it to 100. If you were doing a million, that would be 10,000 minutes, but it's more than a million. How many hours is 10,000? Can I give my answer in minutes? Sure, sure, sure.

Okay, 10,000 minutes will be a million word. It's probably way, way, way, way more than that. 100,000 minutes. How many days is that? Hey, nice. 69 days. 69.4 repeating days, but 69 days. Nice.

Yeah. All right, Wade. How fast do you think less, oh less typed one to one million out in words? I mean, he has to be basically doing only this all day, right? You're going for the record. It's like you're doing this all day. 12 days And Mark's official guess was

69 days I mean wait my math was sound That was good math Mark did math Okay He did a lot of math I'll give you the answer It's 16

Years What 16 years So I will say I may have misled you Apparently it was on a typewriter Not on a computer I saw a picture that I think was not of him It was like a stock photo

Of a person typing on a computer It was in 1982 Les started typing out all of these numbers on a typewriter but that also makes sense because that means

there's an official record of it right? He has all of these pages they're not saved somewhere digitally they are they exist they are typewritered out and over the course of 16 years

until December 7th 1998 he just worked at it as much as he possibly could and successfully typed out all of the numbers one to one million in word form.

So no one else is attempting this, I'm guessing, so he probably said it by default. There might be attempts in progress right now. So I win again. I win again. Apparently he was partially paralyzed after a tour of combat duty in Vietnam and did this with just one finger

and had a lot of free time because he was a paralyzed veteran of Australia's armed forces or whatever. And so he did not exclusively do this for 16 years, but he spent a lot of time doing this, but he used one finger to type out, I don't even know how many words that is, but it's got to be 100 million plus.

There is a picture of him, if you would like to see, there's a picture of him sitting in a pile of paper that looks like this. Holy shit. yet. Yeah, I feel like a typewriter in one finger would have adjusted our math a little. And you also said, let's go for speed. Anyway, I don't know why Mark's mad. Mark got another point. Oh, I'm not mad. That was me. Did it sound mad? I wasn't mad. No, I wasn't mad. I wasn't mad at all.

Wait, you haven't got a single one of these. Well, yeah, I had some assumptions going in that ended up being incorrect on the speed round. Hey, so did Mark. Listen, let's not discount how wrong Mark was, too. true it's true no frills delivers get groceries delivered to your door from no frills with PC Express shop online and get $15 in PC optimum points on your first

five orders shop now at nofrills.ca I think we should do one final round that it turns out is worth don't say it's fine just let me lose two points

three points we'll do it three points unfair unfair all right I mean I feel like this one I feel like that's the most clear I could do yeah no okay so I said this final round is worth three points so it's either gonna be worth normal points or six points I guess yeah yeah I think that has to be it oh I got heads I got heads hell are you six Sad, you get it. Oh, is that good for me? It could be if you get it.

I was just hoping something funny would happen. Uh, I met heads. Ah, there he is. There we go. No, no, no, no. All right, this, this, like I said, this one is worth three points. This record is for the most apples held in own mouth and then cut in half by chainsaw in one minute. This is a person taking an apple and going, uh,

and then taking a chainsaw and going, and cutting the apple in half while holding it in their mouth. Jesus. And I have a picture, and it's not a small chainsaw. If you fuck this up, it's like you're done. There's no practicing this. Oh, no, you don't want to go into this with no practice, Wade. I swear to you.

Well, yeah, but I mean, like, you speak. Yeah, so this is most apples held in mouth and cut by chainsaw. in one minute. And I just want to say, I think I know exactly why this happened. This record was set in November of 2020. So this person was in the heart of COVID lockdowns, trapped in their house, trapped in their apartment, whatever, and was like, God, I'll do anything for a thrill.

And they landed on apples in mouth cut with chainsaw, obviously. All right. Well, I don't think many people are going to be trying to beat this record. Who goes first? I go first Uh, Wade, you go first For three points 12 I'm gonna act this out

Because Mark, do some science Mark, do some science Do some science Yeah, no, no I got There's no better science Than Expeer science Recreate it for us And go

Oh Oh I was thinking they To put the whole thing in their mouth And then like Paff spit it out and cut it You did just put it in solid Put it in salt

Oh that's a close one scared. I dropped it. 10 or something. I don't know. I'm going for it. And now I'm speeding up because I'm hitting my rhythm. 13. 14. 14. 15. 16. My clock went away. Why did my phone lock? 17? 18. 18. 19. Okay. Slowing down and getting tired. Getting scared. I'm nervous because my hands are shaking because I might be at it. Adrenaline, world records right there. Everyone's watching.

Okay, there's 22. Get one more, 23. 23. And Wade was 12. 12. Well, I'll let you have a look at the record holder for most apples cut. Oh my God.

Yeah, look how big that trade saw is. I was thinking it would be like one of those six inch long chainsaw. chainsaws that you used to, like, cut a shrub. This is not, like, a big, full-size crazy chainsaw, but that's over a foot of chainsaw blade, right? He does have an assistant, so I didn't factor that. I thought it was alone. Being handed the apples, I guess.

I guess I was being pretty light with the chainsaw, so. Yeah, I have no, I don't even really know how fast a chainsaw cuts through an apple. I assume kind of fast. About as fast as it will cut through his face, which is fast. well it was pretty fast because wang wang lee of china cut a total of 28 apples oh mark your science was so sciencey you almost got it dead on which i didn't say anything but i would have probably given you bonus points for oh my god what a bunch of science who did there anyway because there is a limit there's a limit to how fasten that was worth three points

Wow Redoosies You know the rarer unfair Oh he called Redoosies Too late The ones per season unfair Redoosies remember

All right delete the episode If it lands on ads We delete it We start over We do it with the same questions And I go first I'll still get them wrong And Mark was just all over this episode

I was trying to cut stuff In your favor Wade But Mark got Just Mark couldn't say segue hard enough into the topic of the episode. And then didn't let you have but one of them. The train one, the train one. Didn't mark get the train one?

No, I didn't get the train one. I was way over. I said 20 tons. That's right. Good job, Wade. You did get one. Thanks. I'll do Wade's points first.

Wade, you earn so many points for Saw movies, wind resistance gimp suit. It's like a Lincoln log. half-ass joke, wanting to know how long Mark is, pirate ship joke, old midnight swiner, you got half a point for the number six, and you got the point for the train record. In my brain, there's a point for Hickhawk, but that's fine. Well, I like your brain. That's a much better place for your score.

Mark, you earned points for. Uh-huh. Eddie Hall? A segue? I didn't finish the movie. Chuck E.C. he's getting arrested. Another segue.

Stop. I gave you the point to stop. And you did. Dom merged. Old Booty. You got the, uh, booty was the breath holding one.

You got the stand-up comedy record. You got the hiccups record, 68 years of hiccups. You got the typing numbers record. And you got the Apple chainsaw record. Leaving the point totals at Wade with eight and a half. and mark with

13 it is statistically improbable golf rules golf rules yeah I think golf rules and maybe a couple other things are basically your only shot here

golf rules and sudden death unless you add minus five points to the wheel I mean we don't have a bankrupt I suppose but then it would have to be spun for a person and we wouldn't be able to assign What's a good record? Try to think of like record themed ones

We already have the most points That's already kind of a record themed one First contestant to say my ass out loud Did we already do that or we have to do it after it comes up? It's a reaction one As it spins once it's selected And you can there's no like starting point Oh you have to say my ass my ass

You have to say, my ass! My ass! My ass! First one to say my ass gets the point. It's like you with the squirrel with Tourette. Squeak! Whoa! It's not three! For the first time of almost ever, it's not three spins.

It's one spin. All right. Well, so you're saying there's a chance. I mean, there's not, not a chance. I'm just going to, it's just going to say, say my ass on the wheel. So we'll be like, oh, but do, do, do, do it. say my what and someone's going to realize then it'll happen a couple shuffles one spin for all the glory come on that's all i need is one i believe in you win oh that feels a little bit like a

slap in the face i'm not going to lie well there wasn't a comeback let's say that so yeah there was there was no comeback so there's a re-spin i think re-spin you Yes, yes, yes. I think that is actually fair. I won't argue. I mean, I'm trying to be fair, man. How many times his best-looking come up? Quite a few.

My air has been... Amy got me this new curl-activating leave-in conditioner. Yeah, well, I showered last night, shaved my head last week. I guess I haven't showered in a bit if that is the criteria because my hot water has been broken. I even wore stripes today And if I learned one thing from Catch Me if you can It's that stripes are the way to my pins I will say you look good

You look good today And you polish it so I was up to Bob Since it really doesn't matter And it seems like you could use it I'm gonna give the point to Wade That's fair Okay I don't like the criteria To let up to it but I'll take the point

You're aware of the situation buddy You're welcome Since he looks like he could Since he looks like he could use it Pretty much yeah that's basically what I was saying. That puts the final score at Wade with nine and a half. And Mark with 13. Thank you. Congratulations, Mark. Would you like to give her winner speech? I used my brain to deduce the answers here, which means that I don't even need to set records.

All they need to be able to do is guess records. And I think that that is moral of today. So long as you put your mind to something, you'll figure it out. The great morals from a great competitor, the best competitor in this episode, you might say. Uh, Wade, loser speech. I had this loss coming. I deserved it. I realize now that karma was out for me ever since I made light of the name Half Thor. Uh, I found some humor in it early on. I shouldn't have. Uh, I should have understood and respected rather than go in with the joke.

Sometimes you shouldn't go in with the joke, but I've realized that, that mistake too late. I take this L. It is my cross to bear, and I deserve it. Well deserved. Thank you for your speeches. Congratulations to Mark. That means Mark's going to be hosting the next one, because that's how the show works. Make sure you follow all of us. Our names are on screen, but if you don't, cool enough to watch, it's Markiplier, Lord Minion 777, or Minion 777, and My Skirm. Make sure you follow the show on your favorite podcast platform of choice. The video is available on Spotify and on YouTube, but you can follow it on all the other podcast platforms where it's available for listening pleasures and so on and so forth.

I'm not going to say the thing. I'm going to leave that be. And we're just going to move right on to the end of the show where I say podcast out. What is with this motion?