Distractible - Solar System Tier List

Episode Date: February 27, 2026

Who's that peeping back at you through your telescope? Is it Mupiter? The Death Star Boob? One can only wonder... Get set up quick and connect to their fast speeds. Valid on restaurant orders only. Learn more at ⁠bit.ly/GHEatTheFees⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ucla Speed Test. Intelligence data, second half, 2025. All rights reserved. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers and welcome to Distractable. This episode. Bathroom-loving Bob boldly goes to his buddies for their celestial selections. Whizened Wade gets brutalized by Pokemon and derides Pupiter and your anus.

Mercury-hating Mark, love stalking, ends his rending rain, despises computer dictasing, and respects the moon but rips Mars. From sublime innovation to mystery orbits, ha ha ha ha. It's time for Solar System Tier List. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome back to Distractable, a podcast on the internet. That's right. You've heard of podcasts other places, but have you ever seen a podcast on the internet?

No, I bet you haven't. We're first of our kind. That's why we're so special here. We're always innovating. That's our hallmark. That's the show's hallmark. We're always innovating, which is why today's topic is going to be so exciting and innovative.

It's going to be something we've never done before. It's going to be unlike any previous episode you've ever seen of this show, and you're going to love it. There's one thing I know for sure. It's from previous experience I've learned that you're going to love it. But not because we've done this before, because it's really good and unique. and innovative. Did I say innovative?

It's innovative. I said that. Good. If you've never seen this show before, I'm the host because I won the last episode, and this show is competitive. Competing for today's victory trophy? There's no trophy. Competing in today's episode will be the same guys who it always is when I host. It's Mark and Wade. Say hi, boys. Hi, boys.

You both listen, that's a point for each of you. That was a test, and you passed. Innovation. Yeah, if you've ever seen the show, before you'll know everything I just said is a lie and there are no rules and I just give out points arbitrarily but that's a lie I'm going to give myself a lie point and then we're going to

get right into it by which I mean small talk how's it going? I have so much to talk about. Give us those juicy deets. All right I want you to open your ears real quick. I can't hear anything else but god damn it well there goes on my

I got a new keyboard and it's like semi it's not mechanical but it's like it's a little clackety What kind of bored is it, bro? I can almost tell what keys you're hitting by how they sound. No, no, I was typing all of my passwords in one long string. I could tell you typed, ah, Bob's that innovative again. It's the new keyboard that has the stream deck built into it, which seems so obvious now.

That's a thing? Yeah, they just came out with it, which makes you go like, why didn't they do this before? Is that, wait, who, what? So Corsair bought Elgato a ways back. I can't remember when, but Corsair owns them. Coursair makes many things, keyboards included. Not always my favorite keyboards, but this one was just like, oh my God,

this saves desk space. And I'm always like losing my stream deck or not sitting it up. It'd be nice if I could just blah, and it's there. And it's there, and it works. And there's way more settings than I would ever do on it. I haven't programmed. There's a whole bunch of pre-programmed stuff. But there's also like a little numpad thing. So it's where the

numpad is. It's not quite as nice as a real numpad, but it works. But it could be a numpad if you so required. And usually I'm very against mechanical keyboards. I hate loud clacking. But this one grew on me. At first I was like, oh, no, it's got some clack.

But it really doesn't. It's got this nice, like soft. They call it thawky. Whoa, you can't just say that. No, that's a big word in the keyboard commuter. It thawks. Yeah, it's the first one that I've ever been like, okay. Now, usually I like my keyboard's silent.

I don't want to hear them. I just want, I want the mushyest softest, you know. But this one actually, I'm like, you know, I think I actually kind of like that. That's the first time I've been like, that's pleasant. You like a little thawk? You're fawking? It's a little, I think I like a little falk. Not a big thawk.

I don't want big thawk. A reasonable thawk. You're down to thawk? Yeah, yeah, you know now? You know, as I grow older, I find that my desire to thawk kind of has increased a bit. You want a thawk? You guys want to thawk? We're going to a fork together?

I think that's interesting. Let's talk around and find out. I don't know if you know. Wait, you use Stream Deck. Is it the same? Is it just the regular Stream Deck software that just interfaces with the keyboard or is it his own thing? Oh, yeah, no, you just use a Stream Deck software. You have to update it, but it works on this.

And so... I gotta get rid of some of these built-in presets because they suck. I haven't programmed my Streamdeck since I switched to computer, so it doesn't do anything right now. I forgot about it until you just brought it up. It's been a while since that happened. It's not been that long. It's sitting here just staring at me. It says stream deck. Yeah, with the default logo on it with no, you know, you could just copy, it's like a pre,

you could copy that file over and it's like a preset. Didn't do that. Okay, well, interesting. You know how I love my peripherals. Mark knows how to pander to the host, that's for sure. That I do. That I do. That's just a warm up of my small talk. I've got so much more. Wade, do you even want to try or just want to let Mark have all the small talk? I've got one, and this will appeal to no one, me and maybe some people out there like three of them. I have found

a new Pokemon fan game pain experience. It's brutal and it's destroying me. This is not the one you were playing in your web browser. This is something else now. Yeah, this is a different one. This is Emerald Rogue 2.0 EX.

Actually it's 2.0.1A if I'm being technical right now. Oh, okay. It's like a rogue light. So instead of like Pokemon where you wander around, whatever, like It has that, but you have like an overworld screen where it's like, you know, like in the old Mario games where you'd go to like move around from level to level. You'd like have the little like tan or whatever color bars. You'd move around the little dots where the levels, you'd move around, land on a level and pick it.

So there's like a little overworld thing where you'll have like four or five choices or two choices or no choices, like depending on where you're at in the web. And you'll kind of like pick, oh, do I want to go to a place that has a trainer, go to a place that has steel types, go to this event, that event. and then it'll load you in, you'll do the level. I was playing on stream, and chat had me do brutal difficulty. And you basically have like, I don't know, name a random Pokemon, a meowth, whatever, with starting moves, crappy, like, scratch and growl. And on Brutal, the first person you fight has like a full team of six, basically, that are all like probably max IV, best nature, held items, strongest moves in the game.

You're getting earthquakeed whenever all you have is like, mud slap. It is the most brutally unfair experience and I got annihilated. In four hours, I couldn't beat, I think two trainers on a run. I beat one, could not beat the second one. Sounds so fun. Kish or something. Again, this is brutal difficulty, but uh, it doesn't not sound not fun. It was brutal. What did I just do? Uh-oh. Okay. Something either came unplugged or fell off or the cord. Everything's fine. Everything's fine. Sounds fine. It didn't freeze, so I'm assuming everything's good. Mark, you had more talks, right? I'll be right back. I sure do, yeah. All right. I guess all the points are going to be mine.

No, I'm not conceding. Wade's conceded the whole episode. Just have fun with it, Mark. I've not conceded. Big news, basically. The render farm is no more. Whoa. Oh, okay. It's a little overwhelming. It's gone. I mean, it is big, it is big news, but it's gone. I feel like it's been, that's just a part of life. Wow!

Fucking odd. Why are you acting like you're not listening, man? I know you hear what we're talking about. I am listening! I'm reacting! Oh, okay. So yes, the render farm has left the bathroom. Woo! I know. That is a big deal. And you burned it in a bonfire in your backyard? I covered it in glower salt, which as we know, very flammable, extremely flammable, one of the big problems that everyone was trying to warn me about when I stuffed it inside my servers. It's hard to get up when you're old. It's moving to an actual, not a bathroom. Like, wait, you're all right? Oh, yeah, this is about me.

It's about you. Go on. Anyway, it's moving to a place that actually should have a rent of arm, a server room, a real, real deal server room. Purpose built specifically for that. Oh, fuck. What is happening under his death? We got a moleman or tunneling up from his basement floor. What the fuck is happening?

I just squirted water all over. Well, geez, man, don't do that. I'm really trying to stick with the story of this one. Mark's render farm is going to a real room like a big boy. And I'm selling some of it because with the current computer prices and RAM prices, don't give me that face way to get that high. Oh, man, you're not lying. There's some extra stuff that I think I'll try to sell.

might even make some money off of what I got off eBay for that. I don't understand what's happening with Wade. I got to be honest. I'm super distracted right now. I thought this was sealed. It wasn't. So I grabbed it and it squirted out and just spray like a fountain of water came out on my keyboard and my desk.

And I kicked something and undid my wire tie. It was like to the bottom of my, everything's fine and I don't mean to detract. I think the render farm moving is great. And also whatever Mark was just talking about is also very important. I give Wade. jealousy point. Very jealous.

Jealous of Mark's real small talk. Big chapter of my life closing. Or is it? So what's the new movie? I don't know one yet. Wink?

You heard it here first. Wink-wank. I was expecting that to be my big Trump card like sweep, you know. No, that's a huge. I mean, it's just a bathroom now, which is good. We need bathrooms in our lives.

But that's just crazy. I feel like the saga from when you were like, guys, eBay and Chinese server parts, they don't need them. I bought a pallet of server stuff and I'm gonna build.

There was like a whole saga all the way back. It's like a chapter of our lives have closed. My favorite version of Mark was dinosaur. I like dinosaur bone collecting Mark. Man, do we talk about that? Not the Trump marks Trump, but I think I'm cursed specifically.

First, my eyes broke. So I'm in glasses. then my wires broke and then my water squirted and the next obvious thing is immediate death or water breaking because that's... Yeah, I can't believe he didn't go with water broke, but whatever. Well, I don't want a lie point. I want a real point. They are real points actually, apparently.

We were doing it wrong. Like every time we bring up a rule like that, we remember it wrong. I don't know how it keeps happening, but it's almost always the case. At this point, I just want to bring up incorrect rules just to piss everyone off. So if you were hoping, hoping that we would start doing it correctly, subreddit.

I wouldn't hold your breath. I thought we had a rule where we're not allowed to correct ourselves unless we have a tribal council aside. Not a full episode, but like an aside. I don't. That doesn't sound like a rule I've ever heard before. That definitely doesn't exist. I probably just made it up, which makes it true.

No, that is the rule, though, is if we make it up, it's true. That's true. That's two out of the three. I don't even need to agree for that to be true. Plurocracy. I'm ready for the episode, despite my life falling apart around me. one last thing to bitch about, by the way.

I don't yet. Hold on me bring something else. The tech problem. I'm so tired of these tech companies announcing a product and then it not being available. Where it's like, well, coming out. Intel's like the new, laptop, CPU, and every

reviewers like, it's incredible this product. It's like, specifically it's like this dual screen thing that has like the new, the new CPU is very good. I'm like, actually, I've been looking for a new Windows laptop portable. Oh, where I buy it. You can. No, uh, oh, it's great. But you'll never see it. It'll come out sometime, never. Like, I literally, I everywhere is looking like, this was announced a month ago. It's like,

oh, that's exactly what I need. Too bad. Why would you want this? You want to buy this? Ew. Get away from me. So they announce it, release it, but then you can't get it? Yeah, you can't get it. It's tons of reviews come out about it. And then it'll be like a sneak. in the wind six months from now, it'll be like, listed for sale, and I'll forget about it. And it's just like, how are they making money? How is anyone in those other companies making money? Right?

It doesn't, like, I'm here. I'm like, I'm in the market for a new Windows laptop. Investors, I guess. I don't know. Oh, my monkeys turned into the beach. That sounds like a completely psychopathic statement. I don't know. Okay, grandpa.

Everybody's monkeys turned into the beach. today. Okay, listen, before we start recording, I don't want to hear the actual explanation. No, no, no, your monkey's turned into the beach. There you go. This episode is brought to you by Grubhub. I order food a lot. And then you see that line that says, fees.

Grubhubs change in the game by eating the delivery and service fees on orders over $50. Oh, that's not how you use chopsticks. Get no delivery or service fees on restaurant orders over $50 when you order on Grubhub. Visit Grubhub for more details. Bye fees. Bye-bye. I won't miss you. Today's episode topic, like I said at the beginning, so groundbreaking, so innovative, so fresh and new, we're going to be making a tear list.

We've got to this forever. But not just any tierless. This is going to be a tier list of stuff in space. I know at least three things out there. You probably know more than that. Yeah, this is very unbiased and completely fair because everyone here equally likes things in space and has the same strong positive vibes about it in general.

This started as the idea of, I wanted to do a tier list of the planets in our solar system. But then I was like, well, there's some moons that we could talk about. But also, if you guys have any other things that you like about space, like the ISS or like specific nebulas or something or like it could be space. It could just be space stuff. But I want to start. I want to go inside out. We'll start with the sun and progress through the planets.

No, Pluto's not a planet. We could discuss it later, but it's not a planet. It doesn't count unless it does. I don't know if they switch that back or what exactly. But we're making a tear list. I unironically like tier lists. I know not everyone watching and listening did, but I do enjoy it. I like it as a pretext to just talk about stuff.

That's what it is. It's like a reason for us to talk, but also give something. I don't know what some of these things is, but I like the way they look. I like the way you look. I'm going to guarantee it. We could start with the sun and we can work our way through the planets. We could talk about moons with the planets or we can save the moons for later. It's very whatever we want here and there, whither and dither.

I just want to talk about space stuff. I'm curious where all of these things land, and I'm curious how we're even going to decide that. The sun, first number zero in our solar system. The actual center of the universe probably can't unprove me scientifically. I think this picture says, is a deadly laser. I have this, this starts pretty high up for me. This could go as high as S tier for me,

but I'm curious what you guys think about. Look, if anything was worthy of being an S tier, it would be the sun because in power, in other categories, orangeness, melts snow, flares. Mm-hmm. Burns our enemies when we leave them outside, tied to stakes. True, true, all true. Yes. I think it's, it just is, unless it's so overdone that it becomes kind of generic. You know.

I do. I get that vibe, but I feel like giver of life gets to be S tier, I guess, you know. We sort of do need that guy. I don't think we've ever started a tier list with an S. We'll see if it stays so hot, but I feel like sun belongs in S tier, and I'm comfortable with that. All right. Let's talk about this next one. Big piece of shit.

Mercury. B for bitch. Nah, got to be A because it's closest to the sun. No, I'm just kidding. It's not an A tier. It's just getting smacked around. It's on a little leash, but the sun's got it on a leash. It's not tough for being annihilated with that much heat.

It's not like Venus, right? Venus is crazy. Venus is nuts. So I remember what's the limerick for like, my vagina eats men just so? What's the one we all learned in? My vagina eats. My vagina eats many monkey penises. There's two M's Mars.

Muppeter. Muppeter. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Okay, fine. My vagina eats monkey penis's other ones. Pee. Pupiter.

Pupiter. Yeah, you know, why am I so hooked on pee? I don't know. I was looking at Fobos on the thing and being like, God, the next one starts with pee. Ah, you got me moons. You moons. Mark said B for bitch, Mercury.

I've got nothing really against it, but nothing really for it. Well, we have six. B or C? So I guess C. C, you don't get points for being first in line to be exploded, you know? No, no moons. No moon. Not even a moon.

Venus. Does Venus have moons? I don't think it does. Here, I'll show you my cheat sheet, apparently. Venus moons, zero. Okay. Venus is crazy. Well, V rhymes with B, so I say B.

We recognize Venus for its... Venus way tougher than Mercury. I don't care if Mercury is closer. Venus, its atmosphere, the pressures, I don't even know why it does all that stuff that it does, but it rains like sulfuric acid or something like that. It's nuts-o. Nutso, but-so, B for But-So.

Avoiding spoilers, I'm pretty sure Venus is also, like, it has significance in the plot of the book Project Hail Mary. I wouldn't know. I haven't read it yet. I'm not going to go into any specifics, but you know, that put it on my radar even more than it already was. So I think, I think B-tier is good for Venus. Earth, this son of a bitch. No, no, no, come on.

People are from there, and I don't like people. See, that's where I'm coming from. I like people. Earth is a planet. Pretty cool. Lots of water. Nice ecosystems. You add in humanity.

Knocked it down a little bit. Obviously, Earth bagged a hell. of a moon, right? Huge moon for its size. Second only to Pluto for bagging a moon in proportion to its size. Pluto, P for planet. But, okay, Earth, have you seen that animation of Earth? Have you seen Earth?

You've seen Earth. You've seen Earth. This animation was like a TikTok edit where it's like, you know, the sun's given off its electromagnetic radiation, splashing mercury, just, you know, Oh, no. And then Venus is like, but Earth is, you know, it does like the super tough edit of Earth's electromagnetic field. It's tanking all the sun. You know, it's Earth's tough. You know, Earth is real tough. I got to give Earth a lot of credit for that. Let's, I mean, we could talk about the people problem, the entire D of this episode. So I'm objectifying it from outside of the people perspective. Okay. What do you advocate for here? A? S?

How high? I think A. I don't think quite S, because let's be honest, we've discovered that the habitable zone is a lot wider than we think. There's probably plenty of Earth-like planets out there in the whole universe. I'll give you A, but only because of Soto and Fogu de Chow. I think that's fair. I think that's a fair exchange, and that's a good point. There's a lot of things on Earth, but there's also meat and pasta.

Is our moon the only one doesn't have a name, or does our moon actually have a name? It has a maiden. It's called Luna. Oh, okay. Just a moon. It's just the one. we know as moon. I mean, that's a reason for S-tier in my mind.

It's not a moon. It is the moon. We're not biased. We're not biased. But let's be honest. The Earth didn't bag the moon. The moon bagged the Earth. And that's because it came from a, you know, you know.

No, I don't, but I like the way you're. And I like this sun, moon, both being S-tier. That feels good. Yeah, that's true. I vibe with that a little bit. It's true. I mean, we've talked about before on the episode, but I'm still, I still think the, the cosmic coincidence of the sun and the moon being the same relative size in the sky

and the only place where a total eclipse could possibly happen that we know of. Bonnie Tyler. Who? Monty Tyler. She wrote the song, Totally Eclipse of the Heart. Well, it didn't write. She's saying. It's written, but never mind.

So, yeah, Moon, S-tier. You got me with Eclipse, S-tier. Total Eclipse of the Heart, S-tier song. I'm easy to please, man. Pasta, good music. Alright. Mars. Thinks he's the sun, wants to be orange, actually turned red. What an idiot.

Mars has ghosts and Mars attacked. Two things I didn't like about Mars. Dude, that movie traumatized me when I was a kid. Which one? Ghost to Mars or Mars attacks? Mars attacks. I never actually saw the movie. I want to point out, Phobos and Demos, we're not, I know we're not there yet. They don't even deserve to be on this list.

Those are rocks. Deal. But no, wait, we need something for F. Out of here. Nope, they're below F. They're deleted. Look, Mars is a wannabe in a lot of ways. Maybe I'll give it credit for at one point having life, but who has life and loses it? That's really...

Yeah, lost life. You know, you know what happens to a doctor who loses life too much? Not allowed to be a doctor anymore. And Musk likes Mars. That drops Mars too, right? Yeah, what's that making it? Like, D? I think Mars might be our fur to D.

I don't know if it deserves F. Olympus Mons kind of gives it a little bit of credit. Biggest Mountain in, or it's a former volcano, but it's a mountain. Let's be honest, not going to be a volcano ever again. But biggest mountain in, as we know of. So biggest protrusion gives it some big D energy. That's a good point.

That's funny. Thank you. That is funny. I hope everyone out there, so I heard that joke and they went, that is funny in the same monotone voice to prove how hilarious. as it was, just by saying that you're going to have people come up to you and go, that is funny. I'm going to miss bald.

It's still so often that the clip comes up where Mark is like, and Bob has a baby and I have a movie, and I'm bald. Forever, the rest of our lives. Jupiter, baby. Fobos, Damos.

Crew, rise up, Fobos, Demos, crew. Fuck those idiots. They're just rocks. Jupiter's where men go to get more stupider. Is that good or bad? Bad. Probably bad. Well, I mean, if I've ever been to a place that makes me stupider, it's usually a fun time. So I'm not going to say too much negative about that.

It's also real big. Doesn't Jupiter have like an infinite storm? Isn't that what the spot on Jupiter is? It's just a never-ending storm. I don't think it's an infinite storm. I think it's actually shrinking right now. Well, it's cold out. It'll get bigger when it gets warm.

Infinite storm is actually, I'm skipping head, but Saturn. I believe Saturn is way. cooler than Jupiter. Jupiter gets a lot of... I'm not saying Jupiter's bad. Jupiter's very cool. Lots of moons, kind of weak maybe ring, kind of, you know, it's kind of a little cringe ring. Can I say something embarrassing?

So Jupiter, Saturn, others, these are the gas giants in our solar system, right? They're getting that they're gaseous. I still struggle to conceptualize what exactly that means. If it's a gas, if it's a gas giant, if it's a planet made, of gas, how do you determine the surface of the planet? I guess there's no like atmosphere, technically, I think. But then is it just like once you're inside the gas, that's the planet? But if you're not inside the gas, is there a line or some shit? Is it ever solid? Like, does the gas solidify anywhere or anything? Like, I don't understand. I don't get it either because it must be

so big that there is like a gradation of the density of the gas, but it just ramps up really quickly. of the pressure because it's so big. And it probably is a thing, I believe there is a core. Is there a core? If it storms and a gas, where does it land? I don't know. I don't know. To Google!

Jupiter is not just a ball of gas. It's a complex gas giant with no solid surface, primarily composed of hydrogen and helium, the transition from gas to liquid and metallic states due to extreme pressure. It was a thick gaseous outer atmosphere, most of its mass is liquid, hydraulic hydrogen surrounding a dense, possibly partially melted rocky core.

Man, I could have understood this if I just Googled it earlier. Yeah, wow. Okay, so there is a rocky core. That makes sense to me because it's like... But it says there's, it says there's no surface. You can't stand on the surface of it. The pressure just increases until it becomes impenetrably dense, which sounds terrifying. I don't want to penetrate it.

Oh, hold on. Okay, maybe Wade wants to penetrate it. I won't speak for all of us, I guess. That sounds like a challenge. I think it's very B. Yeah, I was going to say, it can't be higher than B. I'd give you a B. I like B.

B's good. B's a fair score. I feel like it's happy at B. Oh, God, we gotta do their moons. So we could skip, we could do the planets first and circle back to the moons or whatever. Well, then I'm not going to know what moon goes to what. Well, actually, I do know Europa, Colisto, and I-O. No, I know I-O because it was in Destiny, right? Isn't I-O one of the places you can go?

Calisto is Colisto Protocol, and Europa's the... the one with the giant ocean. What's the first one? Candy medic. What's it called? Ganymede. Candy Medic. Yeah, yeah. It's my favorite moon. I don't know Ganymede. I like its little like sideburn it's got. That's cool. Calisto and Iyo look pretty. Yo is very pretty. Ganymed, forgettable. Ganymede, D. I don't care. Whatever. Calisto, Colisto Protocol. Not a great game, but, you know, had an interesting graphics thing that I was talking about before. Europa kind of looks like someone spelled cinnamon on some whipped cream. C for Colisto? C for Colisto.

I like Yo just for the name. Not gonna lie. Oh, yo's a B. It was fun to go there in Destiny, probably. Oh, is a good place in Dusty. Very yellow. Europa makes me think of a cinnamon roll. I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't know anything else about it.

So probably a C? Yeah, I don't object. All right. Cranking through the moons. I appreciate it. And Ganymed's down. Yeah, I think those are good choices. Still no F's.

Pretty good solar system. I think Saturn 8 tier for me. Saturn is awesome. that ring, that ring is unreal. And you want to talk about like, okay, Jupiter's got this big red spot. Have you seen Saturn's fat ass? No. Go on.

Hang on, let me Google that. Saturn's fat ass. Saturn is the most oblate planet in the solar system, meaning it's significantly flattened at the poles and bulges at the equator. This gas size's wide shape makes its equatoral diameter about 10% larger than its polar diameter. It's like an hourglass figure if the hourglass was just cut in half. Saturn is actually the least dense planet in the solar system making it a very lightweight yet fat planet. All right, Saturn is fat. I like it. Look up Saturn's hexagon. Saturn's hexagon.

How the hell is that happening? Aliens, probably. Oh, definitely. Way cooler than a red spot and that shit will never go away apparently. It's like a bronzer. If you know, you know, right? Pokemon fan. I think Saturn's cooler than Earth.

I do too. I would agree. Yes. I think Saturn has so much going for it. Like, it might be the only S-tier planet. Oh, it'd be pretty up there. I mean, it's ring, it's just shape, it's uniqueness, it's fat ass. If you go to the context of Earth having life, it's really cool.

But if you're looking at the solar system and you see Saturn and you're like, that's so cool. I know. The whole pale blue dot thing was taken from. Saturn, you know. Doesn't Uranus have a, have rings, or is it Neptune? Doesn't have like vertical rings, but they don't look nearly as cool, right? I know there's cock rings. I don't know about Uranus rings.

I'm okay with Saturn at S here. I mean, I just look at Saturn. Saturn, just so cool. The alien hexagon on the North Pole is top tier. I have to agree with that. It is super cool. Does Saturn have all of these moons? Saturn has a whole fuckload of moons.

Jupiter has 92 moons, plus possibly up to like 600. other tiny tiny ones. Saturn has 145 known moons. And the first six are the Galilean moons, right? Isn't that the thing? Is there visible using like land-based telescopes from Earth? Because they're fucking huge. Quick glance, I like my mass.

Mimaz. I like M-M-M-A-S. It looks like a Death Star. It does look like the Death Star. Look at that. Titan is another one from Destiny in it. Titan is in a lot of fiction. Warhammer Titans very important.

That bumps those two up on my list. How big is Titan compared to Earth? That's a good question to ask Google. Okay, Titan is bigger than our moon, but it's about like a quarter the size of Earth. It's like half the size of Earth, 40 to 50% the size of Earth in diameter. It's got more water than Europa.

I didn't know that. Damn. I definitely didn't know any of this. It's much less dense. Its mass is only about 2% of Earth's mass. Oh, you're still showing the hexagon. No, wait, you're not. I am.

I've got a tab open. I'm an idiot. Boys, I think it's time to put me at a home and retire me from this podcast. It's been fun, man. It's been fun. I truly think after today it's time. Send your applications to replace me because I think it's time. I need to go. I need to go.

Titan seems kind of cool. Titan seems pretty boss. It'd be up there. I'm split between A or B. I'm not sure. Give Titan an A. Give Mimas a B and the rest can go C, D. I don't care.

I feel. I feel like I like Titan more than I like Jupiter and Jupiter's in B. So I feel like it has to go in A. Okay, I'm fine with that. Like I would say below Earth in A, I guess, but like... But the fact that it's in A tier. Yeah, that's pretty good. Mimus next to yo to me.

Got it. Mimus next to you. Death Star Boob. Oh, man, that might be S tier. Hold on. Let's talk about them. Death Star Boob, would you say it like that? I'm going to say Tethyst D tier.

Can't pronounce it terrible name. Ayapidus looks like it's being. Thanos snapped. The rest of them are just round and gray like Pethyst. The rest of them wish that they were our moon and they're just not. I don't know. What's default for moon? Do they start at C? I think yes C. Nah, D. I think moons have to start at D because it's just like they're. Because it's like default for planet is C. Default for moon is. Okay. All right. Do we want I apadis anywhere else or I apadis can go see. It also has a death star. Yeah, I like it has a little death star nipple. I like it has cool coloring situation.

Actually, is it hexagonal too? Are both of those kind of hexagonal? Oh my God, are they? To Google. You know, if I was aliens, if I was aliens, I would make my base on Saturn because I'd be like, okay, this is just far enough away from Earth that they wouldn't get suspicious. But then I would make my big hexagons and people aren't the most shapes, those fucking idiots. We had to show them how to build a pyramid.

I can't believe. Never get a square hexagon. And they said, nice triangle. It's a pyramid. It's in the name. All right. We're on a big business, boys. Oh, boy.

Uranus. Funniest planet name we've got going, I think. But it tripped the other planet and knocked it off the line. Like, we all know the one in the back is the one that tripped Pluto, right? It had to be Uranus that did it. Well, it's not in the back. Are you talking about Neptune? The planet that is next.

I forgot Neptune existed. You know what? Uranus is fine. That's a bad side for Neptune, man. That is not a great sign for Neptune. Uranus move, we're back up, baby. Other than being a joke, it's so boring. It is just the blandest planet. It is one color.

It's just there, you know? But at least it's not Neptune. Is it high C tier or low B tier? I feel like Uranus deserves to be above Mercury. I agree. I would agree. But so like top of C tier. Yeah, that's fair.

That's fair. Yeah, Uranus comes below the boob. I got to say, these are some very interesting moon names. Titania. Well, I got a Titan, too. Titania. I like Oberon. I think Oberon's a cool name. Oberon and Umbriel are badass names. Those pair them up where. Ariel, first mermaid crush. Only mermaid crush, probably. Yeah, what was your second mermaid crush? King Neptune.

Ariel in the sequel. Ursula, which he's the hot version of Mermaid Ursula. Titania just feels like it's trying to be Titan. It feels like it wants to be cooler than it is. Fucking F. We give that an F. Oh, F. Wow. First F. I feel like Oberon and Umbriel get a bump up to C just for their name. I don't know if they need to go higher because otherwise they're fine.

Did I had crushes on them? Listen, Miranda and Mass Effect and Ariel and Little Mermaid like, hold them all at sea. How horny do they make you? That will rate how high that means they should go. Oh, man. Well, S is too high. Let's go. Think me with Umbrile.

Below Umbrile and Obron, but on that. line. Okay, so you'd rather fuck Oberon. Got it. All right, we're really working it. We're really banging out a bell curve here and I appreciate that. This I think might be a contentious one. Neptune. Blue. I like blue. It's a beautiful color. I love the look of Neptune. I want a bowling ball that looks like that. That's about all I know about Neptune. But otherwise, kind of fuck Neptune. I don't know. It's fine. Like Wade said, it probably is the one who pushed Pluto, made them lose planet status. Like it, what's the, and Neptune? is the god of the ocean?

Is that the Ocean? The Greek one or whatever? It's fine. It's very pretty. Oh, Neptune isn't as big as I thought it was. I see an Earth to Neptune comparison. And I mean, obviously, Earth is much smaller, but it's about the same ratio as the Earth moon to Earth. It's just inverse.

So it's actually not that big. No, it's smaller than you'd think. Way the fuck out there. It's too far away. It's a long drive. Nobody wants to go that far. It has a spot, apparently. It's got a spot.

That's kind of cool. So like is it above Mars? I feel like to me it's either top of D tier or in the mix of C tier. I like the maybe put it next to Mars at the very top of D tier. Yeah, give it top of D. It like it just it earns that spot. It's not a it's not a leftover wannabe has been like Mars. It looks better than Mars.

Mars doesn't look bad. Red planet kind of cool. Neptune looks way cooler. Ork. Orkis are scary in the ocean, so I don't know if Orcus is scary as a moon. Yeah, wait, what's going on with Orcus? Orcus whale. Does it have its own little mini moon?

Oh, that's what that photo would imply. A moon with its own moon? I Googled Orcus Moon Moon Moon and came up with Vance. Ah. Okay, Vance is the moon of Orcus. Orcus is a dwarf planet. So Orcus is not a moon of Neptune Orcus is a dwarf planet

I mean Orchus never even kind of got to be one of the planets Often called the anti-P Pluto Well Pluto's high on my list It's just in opposite orbital phase from Pluto So they just keep their distance Oh so people might have mistaken them for each other at some point It was only discovered in 2004 Oh it's like a third the size of Pluto

Why is this even in the running If Pluto's high on my list an Orcus is not. The Ntman's Orcus is pretty low. I like the name. I like both Orkis and Vance. I feel like those are cool names. I don't like the vibe.

I feel like he wishes he was, but he's not. F or low D? Given that I've only just heard of it, I feel bad if it got put an F. F feels mean, I guess, but... All right, so above Mars? Oh, okay. Either F or above Mars.

There's no in between. Arc, Triton. Hark. I'm sensing that Mark is a bit. What's that from? It's from the lighthouse when Willem DeFoe goes, he's like, stands up, gives it a heart. Hark! Hark!

Curs this guy! I like Willem Defoe, so Triton must be pretty high up on the list then. That immediately gives me positive feelings about Triton. I like some Willem DeFoe. Very B energy. I feel that right next to hexagonal death star titty. Willem Defoe, you did this? you rose Triton.

Series. No, no, oh, you know what? Low D or F because it made my phone go off? That's really funny.

Because it sounds like the phone lady. I don't know. I got nothing for it or against that it exists. I mean, default. Okay, hold on. Sears is not a moon.

Series is a dwarf planet that's inside the asteroid belt. You got to be tough to live in there. Oh, yeah. That's not a good. place to live. Almost as tough as Miranda. Bottom of seat here. All right. Okay. No argument? Okay. You just gave me that. You just said it so definitively. I believe you. All right. Now for the big one.

Pluto. Pluto. We grew up knowing Pluto as the pizzas that my very educated mother just bought us, nine of, but now it is nothing. Do we love Pluto because it's a fallen planet? Or do we hate Pluto because it lied to us for our entire lives. How do we feel about Pluto? If Pluto is the yen to Orcus's yang, it has to be A tier. I think Pluto has so much going for it. It didn't ask to be labeled a planet. It was just there when planets were being labeled planets.

It just made its orbit there. And it kind of was like, oh, oh, okay, no objections here. Here's my big fucking moon. Look at my. Huge moon. You know, I think that, you know, you gotta give it tons of pride. And that heart. It is dealt with being last in line and then forgotten its whole life.

And it's not complained once. Not once. A tier Pluto. Those other dwarf planets, they're not spherical. Pluto, beautiful sphere. A tier Pluto. Sharon! Rest a piece, Ozzy.

Does that big ass moon get to live with its tiny ass, not planet? Or does it get the default moon treatment? It is impressive. It's like Mark had pointed out. It's Pluto really pulled a good one. Right now, it kind of looks like it has my hairline. It's kind of shaded on the back and sides. It has a little fluff on top. I'd give way to be. Oh, babe. Be for babe. Be for babe. Be for babe. All right. This is a, whatever this is is spicy. Selassia. Transneptunian object in the Kuiper belt. Likely a dwarf planet discovered in 2004 has one moon named Acteia. It orbits the sun once every 274 years. Classified as a cube one-o, which is a...

Cube one-o. A K-B-O? I don't know what that is. A K-Mart big offer. Sure, sure, sure, sure. It's a trans-Neptunian object. What's Huame... I don't care.

Give it whatever. I don't know what any of these things are. I'm more interested in Huamea. Whoa, Huamea, what the fuck? You want to talk about fat ass. You know, Saturn ain't got nothing on Huamea. rapidly rotating egg-shaped dwarf planet in the Kuiper Belt beyond Neptune. What if that actually is an egg?

Well, well, that's a problem. What if it's the egg of the next sun? What came first? The sun or the egg? That's what I'm talking about. That's, I've never seen this before in my life. I've never heard of this. I didn't even know planets could be oblong like that.

I wonder if it's in the process of ripping itself apart or something. Like, I don't know how it's holding together. like that. That takes, that's, that's definitely urns B tier at least. No parents are sitting on it to help it hatch either. It's abandoned, yeah. All right. I'm, I'm cool with B. That's it. That's an interesting thing. All right. We should probably speed this up. I mean, we don't have to go through all. There's a whole bunch of shit that we don't have to talk about on this. I mostly wanted to get through the solar system, which we have done. I just want to say, what is make make? Oh, I've heard of this.

Make, make, dwarf planet. I mean, I assume it's probably like Makay-Makeh or something. Yeah, it's a Cooper Belt Dwar planet. In case you ever want to come back, I won't spoil it. Bob, you got some funny stuff on here. No, I know, yeah. I just borrowed this. So this is, you know, there's...

Okay. There's two more I think we should look at it, which is Planet 9 and Thea, because those are interesting ones. Whatever's happening on Thea looks crazy. Planet 9 is just a circle on this image, so I don't know. So Thaya is actually what they think is slammed into Earth, like primordial Earth, and exploded it to make the moon. And they think they've looked at this recently in the geological conglomeration of surveys of the Earth. They think they see pieces of Thaya embedded in the crust of, not the crust, the mantle of the Earth.

They think they can see evidence of this other thing that slammed in and the pieces of it are still in the planet. Interesting. That is pretty cool. I mean, lost. Fought Earth and lost. But, you know, still, it made the moon. Earth is A tier and it put up a good fight with Earth because it did make the moon. Earth is still wielding the scars.

Mark just said that. B, hi B. High B. I'll put a high B. I'm going to say a high B. Yeah. I'm going to say above moons, but below planets and B. Yeah, it gets a lot of props for giving Earth what it has right now. It made a moon, so it has to be above the moons.

I agree. That's good for. That's fair. That's fair. Planet 9, a hypothetical, massive planet believed to exist in the far outer solar system, far beyond Neptune, proposed by astronomers Mike Brown and Constantine Batigan. its existence is suggested by the clustered eccentric orbits of distant Transeptunian objects, which indicate a gravitational influence from a hidden large body, potentially five to ten times the mass of Earth, taking 10 to 20,000 years to orbit the sun. I can't, I've heard about this before,

and I'm not at all like an astronomy nerd or anything, so I don't look into this stuff very deeply. I could never tell if this is like a conspiracy theory that's only pushed by wackos who are like, there's a secret planet and there's a civilization on it and they plan they sheeted earth orifice is like a real thing because it seems to be scientifically backed and a theory that's put forward by actual like astronomers. I don't know. I like seeing the orbit, how its orbit goes completely different direction than everyone else is. I also like the image where there's an actual just question mark on it. That would be weird if we got like, oh, Voyager

just so happened to do a flyby. What the face? The riddlers. That's where the riddlers from. Yeah, there you go. Why didn't I say the Ridler? I thought it got milk for some reason. Mmm. I mean, it's kind of cool. I like this. Kind of like a, you know,

scary story you tell in the dark kind of thing. That's kind of fun. I like stuff where science is like, well, this should exist. Doesn't make any fucking sense that there would be this huge planet so far away,

but also all the all the things we have, the gravitational readings we can get. They suggest that this should exist. So I guess we're just going to say it's a thing. Maybe put it next to Uranus. It's another mystery hole. I do like it better than Mercury.

I don't think it's quite as cool as Halmea, because like Halmea was just so weird, we had more images of it. I think Planet 9 is just suffering from our lack of knowledge. But it's cool. But if it is out there. Yeah, it would go up. The more we know, the war would go up. Yeah. Or it could go down if it turns out as lame. That's true.

Yeah. It's a good tier list. I feel like we did a good job. I think astronomers will agree for us for decades, ages even. What kind of time measurements to astronomers' favor? Light years. That's time, right?

Light years. And our only F here is Titania. Titan, because it wishes it was Titan, but it's not. You know why I'm having such bad luck today? Hamea's in retrograde. Ah.

But Triton is in Hark. I left. I left. You didn't even point in me and say, that's funny. You actually left, which I appreciate.

That's going to be the end of the episode. Let's go over who got points for which. And no particular order. Wade, you got points for saying hi boys when I prompted you to. Yes. Pokemon again, I guess. You got a jealousy point. You got a point

for Bonnie Tyler for still being bald for yo, fun moon, fun name. You got a point for you're still showing the hexagon. Oh, yeah, that's, um... And you got a point for got milk for some reason. Mark, you got a point for saying

Hi, boys. You got a point for Thaki, for pandering. You got a render farm destroyed point. You got a wink-wank point. B for bitch. You got a point for moon when you were describing how the moon was made. You got a point for accurately selling us on how much Saturn fucks. You got a point for Hart, Dryden! And you got a point for the Riddler planet. Because we both set it at the exact same moment. And that's what smart people do. That makes the final score. Well, that's not the final score. The current score, 10 points for Mark and 8 points for Wade. Oh, I'm still in the running. I thought I was getting destroyed. I'm still in the running. You're still showing the hexagon really saved you because...

I still have the tab open. I'm not going to lie. It's there. I didn't really have a thing planned for what I want to add to the wheel. I don't really want to do like a planet, a tier list one. I want to do one that takes away a point. You know what? minus one point for I'm going to say either making fun of Mark for being short or making fun of Wade for being bald.

Ooh. Did someone have to do it or? You don't have to do it. I just feel like those come up a lot, but it's like if you made a Mark as short joke or a Wade as bald joke, minus one point. If Wade makes bald jokes, it still counts. No self-deprecating. Oh, I self-deficate all the time. You defecate all over yourself.

Uh, anyway. How many? That's the first thing we do. Woohoo! 8, 8, 8, 8. Oh, just enough. Just enough. So you're saying there's a chance. Two is not the number that I would have picked. Tell you that. You're not going to do your little wee-woo? You're actually doing it?

Yeah, I'm going to spin it for real, so there's no cheating or anything. Most personal attacks. We were only attacking Mars there, so I guess that would be the personal. Yeah, well, we talked a lot of shit about Mars. Mars and and Titania. I came for Mercury pretty hard. I was pretty straight out of the gate, you know. B is for bitch.

That's true. Mark had the strongest personal attacks against, against some of the, some of the debated issues today. I feel like I have to agree with that. I might have come at Mars the hardest, but Mark went for more planets harder. All right, golf rules.

Yeah, barring any terrible things happening. I'm not going to be spit on the winner's wheel today, basically guaranteed the sudden. death wedge would not possibly pop up again. Right? Okay. Nah, nah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think anyone used any accent.

I don't think anyone used any accent. Is the Willem Defoe reference an accent? It was more like a dramatic. I think that's a re-spin. I don't think there were really any serious accents. Good. The sudden death tile would never come up again. Ah.

Does that count? I think that does count. Swapped again. So if it landed on that and no one's made a joke and then it landed on minus one for the short joke. All right, I'll take it. The wheel loses one point. Yeah. If the wheel lands on shortest and then the wheel lands on lose a point for short jokes,

I feel like the wheel loses the point. I say if the wheel has to lose a point is to spin and we have to remove one of the options. Oh, I like that. I'm sure we'll remember that when it comes up. But anyway, Mark remains undefeated in today's episode because he won on base points and then he won both the spins. It's true.

Making the final score 12 to 8. You know what? The only thing Mark is going to be defeated by is that he doesn't get to make a loser's speech. Wade, loser speech. Not going to lie, this episode started a little rough. First, my eyes were burning so I had to run and take out my contacts.

Then I removed a wire from under my desk. Then I squirted water everywhere. Then I proceeded to get trampled on at every possible stop along the way to getting crushed by four points. But you know what? I had fun. Our tier list ended up turning out pretty good, I think. Therefore, I accept my place at the bottom of the podium.

I think it's a great tier list. I'm a fan. I only wish we could put Saturn higher. I wish we could put Mars lower. It could be lower. It's not even F tier yet. Anyway, Mark, winter speech. At first I thought Wade was employing psychological warfare against me during my elite small talk.

But then I remembered, that's just Wade. So then the rest of the episode was just pure confidence all the way through. I knew that this was his... He rolled his dice for how his day was going to go today, and I knew he rolled a critical one from that point on, and I had it in the bag. So, yeah, thank you for allowing me to get this win, hand of fate. I rolled a four. pretty low.

Congratulations to Mark, our glorious and brilliant and beautiful winner, and congratulations to Wade for having the privilege of losing to Mark. Make sure you check out their channels. Mark Plyer, Lord Main 8777, 77, I'm Ice Cream. Make sure you follow the podcast, and then you'll always get a little beep on your phone when the thing comes out, and you'll watch it or listen to it or whatever. Well, you should watch it, though. And make sure you check out the merch and keep that bad boy up there,

because it sells out real fast. Every drop we've had, it sells out real fast. If you actually want to get some, you got to pay attention. Maybe there'll be more someday. Distractable.com is where you should look. Anyway, that's the end of the episode. Mark's going to host the next one. And Wade will be there too.

See you on the next episode, Distractable. We're out of here. Podcast out. Watch new episodes on Spotify.