Distractible - Subreddit Enemy No. 1

Episode Date: August 11, 2023

Reddit nemesis Marq-Eye-Blier urges his fellow burls to pitch him their best (and worst) Distractible episode ideas. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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We're talking yummy, creamy, hearty goodness. Choose from loads of delicious, more-ish flavors ready in only two and a half minutes. It's not cup food, it's good food in a cup. Visit Knorr.com to learn more. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable. This week, it's dire threats to the world of Reddit, as host

with the most mark asks the gents to get their creative juices flowing in the wrong way. Bob threatens to break through Wade's back door, and proposes Mark go abroad for his drugs. Bonking Walken Wade judges by Richter investigation, courts cancellation, and goes AWOL. From gum grafts to distracty land.

Yes, it's time for Subreddit Enemy Number One. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to Distractible! I am your host, Markiplier. Yes, that guy, the one and only the best host of Distractible, Mark I. Plyer. The humblest, the most modest. The cutest little Marky Poo-Poo. Well, you're only embarrassing yourself there. But anyway, we all know that I'm the greatest host, but I wouldn't be the greatest host without the greatest guests. Bob and Wade.

Okay. It's back to an and friends type deal, huh? Markiplier presents Distractible featuring and friends. I'm just trying to get back to our roots, you know, our true roots. That is our roots, really and truly it is. So enough of my ego. Well, not enough of my ego. My ego will have its time later. But how are you guys doing?

Good. I'm honored to be here on Markiplier and friend and guest. So thank you for having us. Wait, who's friend and who's guest? Which one am I? We got to figure that out later. But that's, you know, I'd like to retain my historical title if I could. I don't want to be demoted from friend to guest.

Well, I guess I'm demoting myself. Good. Well, can I be markiplier can you be guest oh yeah mark can be guest can i demote myself just to guest i think that's within my power if i transfer i like soul transfer into your body the host is basically a the genie of the lamp you are um omnipotent um omni, you get to body switch with one of us. Who's it going to be? Bob, because he's already in Ohio.

Are you kidding me? I would take Mark's body over mine in a heartbeat. Are you joking me? Yeah, but I'd take Ohio over California in a heartbeat, because it won't really matter what body you're in when you're on fire. I was going to say that's not a real argument, but it's not. It's not not a real argument. Is there a fire right now?

I don't know. If there's not a fire, there a real argument it really is there a fire right now i don't know is there is if there's not a fire there's a landslide if there's not a landslide there's a lightning storm starting 200 fires god damn if i ever ask any of you guys in california how things are going it's like oh everything's on fire or oh there's a drought or oh the traffic and that's pretty much all i know you just sound like every conservative radio host ever whenever anytime california comes up it's just a wasteland well i'll have you know that the drought is over there's no fires right now and i don't drive what's oh heck yeah i don't have my driver's license right now so screw you is there a story here no i do believe that i 100 believe that that's a thing

that's happening do we have a markiplier lost his driver's license mugshot uh no i lost my driver's license because i lost my wallet but i know where my wallet is it's in the dump somewhere. Oh, well, when are you going to go get that? I'm not. I just let that one go. Dig around a little bit? No, no. Because the thing is, I know exactly where it is because I know I did something that I never have done before and I shouldn't do. And I know exactly when I did it because i can trace the last purchase that i had

for this time that i used it would you like to know where my wallet currently is and how i lost it i was assuming you would tell us yes please this feels like one of those treasure hunts that if we figure out the clues and we find the treasure we get rich or something you know maybe i shouldn't tell people this because then people might go to the dump and find my wallet because I'm going to say exactly where it is. Look, if someone out there goes and finds my wallet, I basically canceled all the cards. But if you find that wallet, the wallet is very special to me, but I don't want people going out into the dump. That's like super dangerous to do.

Dumps are not good. I don't know if anyone out there would hear that that's where all the trash goes and be like oh that's cool i should go hang out there but it's worse than you think i bet it's like really toxic and there's gases that can it's a great place to light up a cigarette and blow up yeah needles probably everywhere used or unused things can cave in and also landslide down in ways it's really it's not great imagine dying by suffocating in garbage that sounds like i'm sure it's happened oh it's definitely happening probably happening right now anyway so what happened was is i got mcdonald's and then i went home and i got not only did i get large fry and a chocolate shake and a large Sprite.

Oh, hell yeah. Okay, you were thirsty. I don't usually get two beverages for myself. So I was having trouble walking in my home with all this. So I ended up putting one of the drinks in the bag with the fries and then I had my wallet out and loose because I pulled it out of my back pocket to go pay. So I stuffed the wallet in the McDonald's bag. Oh.

Which is something I never really do. I don't know why I did it this time. Yeah. And I can't confirm that this is what happened. But I have not found my wallet since this moment. And I just so happened to do this the night before trash day. So not only did I throw away this bag after i was done with it but then i took my trash out because the trash was being collected the next day because i'm so responsible i think

what happened was i never got my wallet out of there and i threw away my wallet so the new california gold rush is on every look i haven't been able to get my prescription for adhd meds in like weeks so funny how we had like an episode about that and somehow it's still a problem almost like the american healthcare system isn't improving no here's the thing i talked about this on fnaf um because like i need to for for a prescription even with my prescription even though it's like a majority of the medication in my prescription is a class four drug. And if you don't know what class drugs are, class two is what most ADHD medications are. Four is high. Four is good.

No, four is better. Oh, okay. One is like cocaine and heroin. Oh, okay. Okay. Low is that. Got it. Four means you could get refills so in this medication is 70

of a class four but because there's 30 instant release is still a class two which is annoying as hell because you cannot get a prescription with a refill of adhd medication that is a stimulant even though the majority of it is a class four it It doesn't matter. Whatever. We talked about this on several past episodes. I've been taking ADHD meds. They're non-stimulants. Yeah, there are non-stimulant ones. Non-stimulant treatments, like a very low-key treatment. I can't even get prescription with refills.

And that totally fucked me during the move. So what I take is it's an antidepressant that also helps with ADD symptoms. When you just cold turkey stop taking an antidepressant, even if you weren't depressed before you started taking it, it acts like a severe depression takes over your entire soul and being. And holy fuck, was that rough. Yeah, that's awful but i can't even get mine is like a generic long-standing treatment for several things i can't even get refills i every month i have to remember

to talk to the doctor which is challenging because i can't remember to do anything even though the medicine is helping but like yeah yeah it sucks i i my problem is unique because my doctor just stopped answering the phone. So here's the thing, though. My doctor has never answered the phone for the past like five years. It's always been a thing where you call and leave a voicemail. I swear I've been going to this doctor for eight years. I didn't know what the receptionist sounded like.

She's only ever answered the phone once in that five years. And then it's just like I just constantly leave messages. I'm like, please, I'm'm so desperate i need a prescription the prescription is a star just please get the doctor to write it i met with him a month ago i know it's been a month but he didn't it didn't get over there and so basically uh they didn't call back so i don't have anything so i'm looking for a new doctor you know what you should do mark is you should go to korea once a month i should it'd be easier because they'll get you squared away in like five minutes you just dip off the plane hang your head out the plane as it's like

taxiing and be like oh adhd and some doctor will just like hawk drugs right at your face do you know what i discovered on this most recent trip to uh korea that i've been breaking the law before uh you cannot maybe i shouldn't admit this i don't have the limitations on this allegedly allegedly allegedly not not in association with me but you cannot take amphetamine-based stimulants over to korea even if it's prescribed forphetamine based stimulants over to korea even if it's prescribed for adhd no when you go to korea to get their wildlife to bring it back into the u.s you can't also take drugs uh allegedly allegedly allegedly sure allegedly right yeah but allegedly you can't do what i said but you can take the medication that I'm currently on. So as everyone knows, I'm a law abiding citizen and I'm perfectly within my means to take

this prescription. Mark would never choose to break the law. Well, it's not like they can identify you anyway, because you don't have an ID right now. I did just get my global entry card, though, and that works as a functional ID. He's basically off grid at this point. That works as a functional ID. He's basically off grid at this point.

If it makes you guys feel any better as someone without ADHD, I also can't get ADHD meds right now. That's the thing is you probably could. You got a guy, you got a Cincinnati guy. I got an ADHD meds guy. Yeah, Cincinnati just has a pervasive drug problem. It's all full of like horrible. What do you mean? Isn't your doctor's name mr stimulant

giver no i don't have a doctor right now he doesn't answer my calls oh i got a bevy of doctors and they all give me drugs hang on a bevy of doctors all right anyway enough med talk it's either medication prop we really are getting older we just talking about, I can't get my meds. The doctors don't answer no more. These dang kids coming into our yard. Look, I got a new ring. Wow. James gave it to me for Father's Day. This is my father.

How the hell is he shopping? That's crazy. He's very sophisticated. He's like four years old mentally even though he's only eight months old physically. That's very sophisticated. He's like four years old mentally, even though he's only eight months old physically. That's pretty impressive. It's made from a whiskey barrel. It's very cool. Whoa, that's a small barrel.

Edit it so I turn invisible when I do this. Where did I go? Whoa. Now you can see me. Oh, he's back. Man, you can only get this great content on Spotify that's what you get for not watching

the invisibility gag is only for lookers make sure to put in a sound effect of so that people know when they're listening in their car when to crash well edit in little sound bites of just a our voices in ai just being like you should look at the screen now just to try and see if we can up the number of vehicle accidents we cause i can't imagine how many are gonna be crashing into the dumps right now yep just diving off the freeway

anyway so we all know how i'm the best host, right? So that's the reason I'm the best host is because I am the champion of the subreddit. I don't think that's true. I am the one they respect. I'm the one they love. I'm the one they adore. And I am the one that's going to bring back everything they've ever known and loved. Because I'm bringing it back to the classics.

I'm bringing it back to our roots. I'm bringing it back to our roots. I'm bringing it back to where we started from. You remember where we go turn by turn with titles included. Oh god, oh no. And it's going to center all the content around it. So do you want to know what the theme of today's episode is?

Clowns parachuting from planes. Clowns parachuting from planes. We, well we, I say me, you you you guys are going to each take turns coming up with the best distractible topic you're gonna name it you're gonna explain it i want titles first and i'll pick based on the title and then you tell me what the greatest idea that you have for a distractible topic is going to be. I'm going to write them down.

They will be mine and mine alone. I will. We have a contract that says that anything that you guys come up with during my judgment era is my property and not your own. Even if you think of an idea and you don't say it out loud, that's mine and actually mine. So this is kind of like a DT clause? Yes, exactly. Whatever that is.

Don't take that clause. Yeah, that thing. Is that the real name of it? That's not a thing. I just made that up. What do you think exists in this world, Mark? Oh, all right. Anyway, I'm ready and everyone on the subreddit is ready.

All the lookers are ready. The listeners, I'm ready. And everyone on the subreddit is ready. All the lookers are ready. The listeners probably aren't ready. I am so ready to be thrilled. And the people are going to be so excited because the future is going to be filled with the greatest ideas we've ever had right here, right now. Okay. Okay. Wade, what'd you say?

You want to go first? Yeah, please. Yeah, sure, man. I'm ready. I thought I heard you say that uh so i think one of the best distractible topics would be uh-huh bald man's confidential terms where the bald guy has confidential terms that you guys have to figure out. It's like a bald confessional.

Yes, sure. You know, I got an idea for later. All right, continue. What's a bald? So it's not a bald confessional it's bald confidential terms yeah yeah yeah so basically i would i mean a bald host any bald host of us uh would come up with a a catalog of different terms and terminologies sentences and assign points if one of you other one of us other hosts were to say those things wow but they don't know that saying them gives them points they just have to be confused as to

why they're getting point that's incredible i i didn't even give bob a chance to come up with the title of his future episode that i'm going to do so i'm going to award you the points and the points for the title because thank you just clearly swept and and and deserved it all because he told me to go first and i went for it i appreciate that and i appreciate you you got big points coming your way that's legit that is legit um yeah so the title of my episode is call it's gonna be oh i didn't think of the title i have a concept i think actually is pretty funny but i'm sorry you just look like a toddler giving a book report just my favorite i read charlotte's web it's about a spider and a pig

what would the title be called uh the title of the episode is frankie my dear i just don't give a damn what all right so the premise for this episode is feel free to award me title points if you want to uh the premise for this episode is there's this guy who has he's big on like tiktok and social media and he makes these videos where he has a rig with like a laptop on a frame and then a green screen behind him and he attends zoom meetings like for work while he's like riding a motorcycle playing baseball he attends zoom meetings with this green screen so it looks like he's in an office kind of but he's he's doing other things. It's very popular videos. His name is Frankie.

What I want to do, now that I live in Ohio, is I want to get a rig like that and start hosting an episode and just get you guys talking about whatever. And with the help of Molly and or just some lockpicking tools, eventually burst into Wade's office mid-episode recording just to scare the shit out of wade and or maybe hide somewhere in his house or maybe like say that i shipped some food to his house there's some kind of premise here where i'm in wade's house and it looks like i'm in my normal office but but it's with a Frankie set up. And then I just scare the shit out of Wade. I love it.

Specifically me, though. Well, I live way closer to you now, so it would be much easier to do it to you. Yes. Going across the entire country to do Mark would be like quite an endeavor. But maybe that's part two. Frankie again. We do love our sequels in these episodes and i think that's a fantastic idea i think you you get big big points i can't give you the bonus point for the

title because i did go with wades could you give me the next points for the next titles before we even say any of them absolutely 100 if you don't win i'll have to deduct double okay okay cool good am i up well it's technically no if we're going back to classic roots you both have to give a title and then i pick which one's which bob i went first last time why don't you give it the title first uh this title this episode will be titled oh i'll put it it in there okay um less than four dicks within un shell what because there are less than four of us and we used to have a three-person show we did in a sort of shell if you will oh it was a riff on peas and peens in a pod what do you? This is an original topic where there are always less than four of us. And we are

within Oon's shell. Greater than two, but less than four dicks in a dock. You gotta be alliterative, you fool. Imagine us within a turtle, if you will, holding our little lighter, talking about whatever

we want. I think a title should really speak for itself. I don't want to undercut my competitor too aggressively, but... You're right. It should speak for itself. But that being said, Bob, I don't even remember what your title was. Oh, I'll put it in there. I remember and I picked that title. What the fuck?

I did preemptively give you the point. I was here about this episode, Bob. Yeah, please, by all fucking means, Bob. It feels as fair as it ever is. So this episode, you're throwing a bone to the subreddit in this. And with your hosting today, this episode that I'm talking about is another one strongly requested by the subreddit if you recall one of the last episodes we did before adding the video component was the ick and we talked about things that gave us the ick and one of the things that happened in that episode

where there was no video was i put my microphone into my mouth and I was doing that thing where it's all and everyone thought that sounded like really like that like really good yeah yeah and now the subreddit and apparently I promised in this episode that if we ever did video I would do an episode where I just put things in my mouth so the whole episode is, I'll send you guys a list of things that I have available, and you just select things for me to try to put in my mouth, and that's it. This is what you want, subreddit, just to be clear. You ask for this repeatedly. So in Mark's theoretical future, it's going to happen, but not really, but maybe.

All right, good. That's great. That's worth to happen, but not really, but maybe. All right, good. That's great. That's worth full points. And you got the bonus point. Do you want me to make the sound again? No. Oh, okay. I just won't even talk about my idea.

So yeah, let's move on. Go ahead, Wade. Same topic that I gave the less than four. Yeah, why would you change it? Well, no, I just want to make sure because you gave them all the points already. So I didn't know there was a point in me talking. We can each get points. We can each get points for the story.

The bonus point is the title. Remember the classic way we did it? No, I don't remember what we did last episode. So like, how would I remember? Whatever. Well, we used to back in the day, just sit around and talk about various things. Wait, what was your title again? I've totally forgot.

Less Than Four Dicks Within Un Shell. Right. Okay. Got it. Got it. Got it. Okay. So we could have recurring topics like we used to. i've totally forgot less than four dicks within un shell right okay got it got it got it okay so we could have recurring topics like we used to like imagine a rapper named soldier guy and we talked about him um i think you mean military man army guy army guy Air Force Youth. The well-known rapper. He's coming. You know? Current events.

That's a good one. This is an Air Force Youth bulletin. We need to be updated on the goings on. We could all have little, like, sound bites we play where we, I don't know, turn around and look at the camera and talk about whatever. I just think we're getting back to our roots. All right. Okay. All right.

So clearly this was a pimping idea. I have an alternative. If you guys are totally down with this topic. I'm fine along. I love this. You love this? We can continue. But I'll tell you what my other idea was yeah why save it for the next time you host tell us you know we've never had an episode

where the host consciously changed topics mid-episode i'm open to it you don't want this one never mind we already had to sing for you once what what is it now welcome to distractible today's winner is who has the best asshole boys let's see those rectums and whoever's i judge to be the best will win this episode say save the gold man that's a great episode you would have gotten so many points for that one anyway so my other idea i had a whole bunch of ideas so the first one was i was going to present you guys with a random youtube channel of my choosing and you give your honest opinion of them and i was going to give you really controversial youtube channels people i know you don't like i'm just an effort to get you guys cancelled. My other idea was that

I was going to draw a random celebrity name out of a hat and then you had to do your turn as doing an impression of that person. And I know how much you guys love impressions. Oh god, please. Christopher Walken three times in a row. Anyway, so, but if you guys don't want those

we can keep going. Seriously guys, I had so many ideas for episodes that were just absolutely terrible ideas. So the topic of today actually is what I wanted to do was, what's the worst distractible topic that we could possibly do? Okay. All right. The worst. I have one.

I have one that I actually have written down. A purely awful idea, but i can't get it out of my head like i really still want to do it but i know it's not a good episode okay i love this i want it so badly i don't want to steal wade's if you have something way we can do the whole thing and you have a chance to go first if you would like but i've got a couple of bad ideas but if you have are we doing titles still are we just talking now your titles i don't know whatever fuck it i just want to hear the bad idea because i have a boy i i come up with ideas all the time that are just like that would never work that would never work my title will just be the weird canceled finale

i don't know what specifically you're gonna do but i could see that going in a lot of fun directions yeah my title is just and the quiet before the words is part of it do it interesting i'm so curious about that one i have to admit wade yours is great what is it bob you you get the point for that. Wade will be relieved. It's a very short idea. Part of what makes this such a terrible idea is that the episode ends immediately once the thing that I'm trying to convince you to do happens. The episode premise is, I'm the host, you two are competing.

Whoever pees their pants live on camera so that it's visible first wins the episode no points or any other shenanigans that's it well you're not hosting i was gonna start guzzling water but you're not hosting so i was imagining i would prompt i would set this up and you guys would be like i don't think that's worth it and then i would spend the episode trying to convince you that it's totally worth it to piss your pants on camera to win a pointless episode of a podcast that means almost nothing and has no rules or semblance of order. There's so, like, yeah, so many of my ideas are just like you guys just doing something terrible.

I mean, that's a lot of YouTube channels' ideas, actually. It's just like making your friends do horrible things that they would always regret we should do one where we hook up muscle stimulants and we eat a bunch of sour shit what what do you mean I don't feel so good actually if we're gonna do that again even better cause the sicker you are the more points you get as you do it

I think that video literally led to me when I had my last like oral exam what do you call it dental checkup checkup or something oral exam uh they said that my gum line had been eroded away so not a lot like but enough that they were like you should probably consider doing a uh gum graft and i'm like oh man and it doesn't like grow back you have to have like surgeries or whatever to try and fix that not great yeah you gotta like steal gum from somewhere else and put it on there sounds like a nightmare i hate it i mean it's better now so it's all good so but yeah no the

sour that was bad idea did it even get like a lot of views let me let me see was it even worth it i will never forget you guys bleeding from the mouth that day and me thinking I was the smartest person in the world. I was like, those fucking idiots kept the warheads on their tongue. I put it in my cheeks like a smart person. And then the next day, the inside lining of my cheeks on both sides peeled off. Six years ago, 6.2 million views. How is that a lot? Is that worth it?

That's pretty good. That's not bad. That's pretty good. it'd only be my second best video ever so yeah i'd be pretty decent that'd be my best video ever but mark gets like tens of millions of views and depending on what if it's a you know five is your best video still meow yeah meow wolf and moo top three baby and then five nights at freddy's i was gonna FNAF's got to be up there. Yeah. Yeah. But no, if I don't make a disclaimer that I don't actually give a shit about views,

people are going to be like, oh, I care about doing stuff for views. Milk them. Just like this podcast. We're milking them good. But anyway, that's a great idea, Bob. Full points for that. Wade, what was your stupid, dumb idea? We're canceled finale finale so we've talked

about doing a live show yes and we've streamed uh three peens i don't know if we i think we streamed distractible but we've streamed our stuff in the past but we do a stream or a live show and the stakes are thus as we are going through the episode whoever gets us canceled first wins but you have to like start small and amp it up and see how far we can go before we completely destroy our careers and lose our audience. That's such a great idea because the audience is complicit in it. So it's like they're the determinator of when we're canceled. If they're still laughing, we're not canceled. Yeah, you have to reach a point where they they turn on you.

Yeah. Live on the. Yeah, no no that's which would be even harder because if you get them in on the joke they don't want to turn on you because they want to like you know they want to laugh and have fun but then you guys say some really horrible stuff and we just have to keep amping it up until we're canceled whoever gets us canceled wins the episode and they win the finale they're the ultimate distract abuse it is the finale because yeah it would be the last winner that is that's not a well okay that's a bad idea i don't want to make

anything say that's a good idea mark's like no when do i want to end this retirement's coming up boys we're getting older oh man i mean you know i I'm just saying you get full points for that. Thanks. I have a mid episode news bulletin. There's really nothing else to it. I just saw the headline and I. Right as you said that I got a Windows security alert that popped up as a bulletin. And that was a kind of a freaking coincidence.

Yeah, don't you know how I was about to blow up? Man thrusts American flag through another man's head at Sonic. Through another man's head? Like through T-H-R-O-U-G-H. I've heard of trying to like beat the patriotism into somebody that, you know, dedication. Also murder, probably. Maybe. So basically witnesses just told police they saw a

man there's a name here i won't read to protect his identity i don't know we'll call him mr flag man mr flag man charge at the victim and stab him with a flagpole through his head the person said that's what he gets he deserved it oh god oh wow the oh man i shouldn't read this and here i go the poll entered the we'll bleep this this is just for these guys the poll entered the drive-thru and got himself an ice cream cone with chocolate sprinkles, then listened to Distractible on Spotify. Ooh. The American flag was still attached to the pole at the time. The thruster finished his attack and then stood back at it at attention and gave him the old... I don't think we should laugh at this, but there's something so horrible about it. That's like, if you don't laugh, you'll be depressed for the next week.

Well, miraculously, we're told the victim will survive his injuries, but will likely lose an eye. Yeah, I was gonna say, there's no way you're not losing something important from that bleeped out description that you gave us. Unless this is like one of those little like stick American flag. I'm picturing like a full out metal pole. Yeah, I think this must be like took it off the back of his pickup truck, mounted on top of his truck nuts,

and then attacked the man with the flag type deal. That's more believable than like started undoing the bolts of the giant American flag like at the Sonic and just charge at the man. Yeah, how big this flag pole really depends on how incredible this feat is but i do think it was probably a truck nuts i mean having anything stabbed through you your head especially and you being able to survive is pretty impressive even if it's like a you know coat hanger thickness versus a free trunk so in no way am i trying to defend the stabber oh boy but but i love news articles

always like this always make me wonder what the context was because they don't they report it right it's like man thrust flag through head of victim well i always just my brain goes off on tangents of like what if the context of this is right up until the moment the news story started the guy who got the flag through his head was like actively like sexually harassing this guy's sister or wife or something like just like the because in the news story you're like oh that poor victim like whoa that's really messed up but in some of these cases the the context is like, yeah, well, the guy who got attacked and ultimately injured was shooting a gun at the other guy. He just missed. And then the guy stabbed him with a flag.

And he's bad. And it's like, this is like Mel Gibson in The Patriot when he stabs the evil British guy with the American flag. Did the stabber have some motivating thing or was it was the stabber just like completely out of his mind for no reason i totally forgot that there's isn't that how that movie goes does he stab him with the flag he does at the very end he like stabs the guy through the chest with his flag he's like my sons were better man and then like the mic drops and all the people like drop their guns like oh get them Mel and then it ends it was a real twist when you saw it in theaters

yeah it was really surprising you saw the Patriot in theaters wait what you're oh yeah no I was like four years old five when did that come out was that 90s I'm looking it up right now I want you to know my last google search was for fuck synonym I hope you're happy no that was

2000 really that sounds right why do I think that was way yeah that feels older than that no i remember i feel like that's around the right age pre-teen for us i thought that came out before braveheart did oh no braveheart was like early 90s wasn't it yeah it's 95 oh i thought it was like super old my dad had the uh six vhs copy of Braveheart because it was like the extended edition. What's the regular edition? Like three hours? Yeah, it's quite the long movie, even in the theatrical cut. Two hours, 58 minutes.

I want more Braveheart. Can't get enough brain fart. Anyway, that was our mid-episode news break. Oh, the guy was charged with maiming, which I didn't know was a charge. That sounds like a maim. Yeah, but I would have thought it would have been an attempted murder. You'd think something when you stab a man through the head with a flag, but he was maimed. That's not incorrect.

The prosecutor got the case and his boss was like, yeah, go for murder. Go for murder too on that one. He stabbed him right through the head. But the prosecutor's like, but how often do we get to run with maiming? We never get to charge maiming, come on. It's either battery, attempted murder. What if I just want a good old maim charge?

Everybody jumps right past assault and battery right to murder. Nobody ever tries to maim. This was a maim attempt. Plus, I got a vacation and three weeks of murder takes forever. I mean, probably you're not wrong. I don't know much about lawyering, but I do think that... Let me tell you that working in a courthouse and having to mess with all of the physical files from the 60s and 70s to murder trials versus any other charge in the federal courthouse murder cases have like fucking shelves of these giant things dedicated to themselves whereas like

every other charge is like one little file thing murder cases are nuts as far as the paperwork like nuts i did not know i mean i kind of knew but i didn't know it was that bad when i was a clerk they were like listen we need you to go alphabetize all of these murder cases in the basement and I was like yeah sure that shouldn't be too bad and it was everything that was in paper up to the point that they'd switched to like digital and that was a it was something trying to organize that shit but there were like several federal murder cases down there and it was a shit show trying to find all those right ones man people should just stop murdering people out and it was a shit show trying to find all those right ones. Man, people should just stop murdering people out there.

It'd be nice. It'd make the clerk's job a lot easier and probably everyone else's. Not to derail this episode further, but I have another headline that popped up too. It might send us down a rabbit hole. I don't know. Do you guys want to hear it? I do. But can I give you one of my bonus bad titles from earlier that i was saving

yeah we should get back a little bit i'll tell you this one in a in a in a second in our original little bit we were doing at the start where you had us just like coming up with shit and i was like oh yes uh less than four dicks i did come up with bonk thine fantasies coitus thine night terrors and i am kind of proud of that one wait you you said the cute stupid thing we were doing you mean the majority of this episode you mean yes you mean the whole beginning the cute adorable little stupid thing i was doing you mean my whole topic for the episode well it was stupid but i liked it is that why you're friends with me that's why you're friends with yes that's why we get along all right good okay good uh bob

do you have any interjections before i read this definitely it's just gonna be i'm reading it and then we're right back to it can i compete with this title you can't beat fuck your dreams fuck your nightmares redone it's called um cars that's it bonk thine fantasies coitus thy night terrors competition is cars i pick bobs i know you bob wins you always you guys live together you have like this unspoken bond of pick me pick me i am big pick me energy it's true you are a big pick me energy but you know i pick you too whenever i have the option wait i heard that term recently a pick me girl yeah pick me girl is like a thing online right now what does that mean do i want to google this or is this bad i know it's not bad it's i think it's it's meant to be pejorative though it's the thing right it's

not it's not a good thing it's like meant to be making fun of people who give off a certain vibe no it is slang derogatory a woman who asserts that she is unlike and sometimes better than most other women in order to gain attention approval or validation from men man nothing will kill like a colloquialism or a meme or anything faster than like ah slang derogatory oh interesting slang used commonly by the youths well it's plural pick me girls if you want to know i see i see okay all right anyway cars um Anyway, cars! So what we do is I get a script for the movie Cars and then we just read it and I get to be Lightning McQueen.

Can we do show cars where we redo the movie Showgirls but instead of having the girls it's cars that are doing the script dances. Oh, I like that. No, that's a whole series. That's a multi-part series. You could do uh karmageddon the uh the asteroid movie that was also a video game i think karmageddon that is a

video game it's not like one of the worst n64 games of all time karmageddon 64 i think worst i think people like that one a lot maybe i'm mixing something up i also think i played it on pc it was kind of like twisted metal wasn, wasn't it? It was like racing, but Twisted Metal style or something? Well, no, it was racing and running over people. Yeah, it was fun. Maybe I don't love it. I like show cars. Anyway, Wade, do you want to go over your dumb idea?

Bonkthine Fantasies, Coitus Thine Night Terrors. I really feel like it speaks for itself. It gives you that really Bonkthine Fantasies, Coitus Thine Night Terrors energy, you know? Ah, yeah. Sure. How does the point scoring work? Well, I get infinite.

What you do is you give me eight and then you flip it 90 degrees. That's the second time you've said that recently. You've said that before. Where did you get that? What movie did you steal that from that you're now quoting it all the time? Well, the 1993 movie, Fuck You, Mark.

Actually, that joke actually appears first in a 1987 comedy written by uh james cubeman i forgot 1997 came before 1993 that's my bad i'm gonna give way to point for gaslighting but i'm gonna give bob some points and less than one point can also is said plurally so you don't know if it's a more i'm gonna give him some points and less than one point can also is said plurally so you don't know if it's a more i'm gonna give them some points how many points do i get for bonking line fantasies one what about coitus thing that night terrors zero if we're going by that because it was together anyway hang zuzu says our bears are real, not humans in disguise. It's all this.

What is this about? I have such a funny interaction about this exact story. So basically, I don't want to steal your thunder. Do you want to read the summary of it, Mark? Sorry. Oh, no, no, no. You give, you give. Okay.

So basically, Wade, there's this bear. It's a sun bear. It's a kind of bear in a zoo in china i think and it stands on its hind legs and like you waves its arms in a way where it just looks like a person like a human in a bear costume and a bunch of people took videos and pictures and were like did you just put a dude in a bear costume in an exhibit like it was a real bear? It looks like a human in a costume. It really does. It does.

It really does. Well, so the thing that was funny is this was on the news was on TV today where we just moved to Cincy Wright, but we don't have our stuff. So we're like spending a lot of time at Mandy's parents house because they live really close to where we live and they have stuff like furniture and it was on and Mandy's mom was like it does look like a person like I know they're saying that's a real bear but just looks like a person it even looks like when it's standing the fucking like pants are wrinkled up in a weird way like it's pants but it was just funny because the whole look you know we're sitting there watching and everyone else is like yeah but it is this is just how that species of bear looks and she was like yeah but it's just i don't believe it it just looks like a person and we just have this like back and forth of like it really does just look like a person in a costume do you guys want to start a zoo who's

to stop us if we did start a zoo let's start a zoo but we don't need real animals we will be like the most animal friendly zoo of all time yeah what do we put in the exhibits like you know like these sun bears oh i see what you're getting that we'll get like sun pigeons we'll get sun antelopes sun giraffes we could get some of those apes from where there's a planet of them sun apes this is a whole nother subset of good slash terrible distractible ideas where we could expand distractible llc into different you know there's a zoo like i think that we should get into fossil fuels i believe that that's going to have a resurgence very soon electric cars are just a fad i I have a business idea for Distractable. I love this. So,

do you guys, are you familiar with the sports-themed hair salon called Sport Clips? Yes. Yeah. It's a Distractable-themed salon, but there's a limited number of locations, and we appear at the locations, and anyone who has a haircut here signs a waiver and agrees

to be in an episode of Distractible at random and either we appear at locations and film random people while they're getting their haircut or we have videos of us that like play and they interact with a video where we're like asking questions or something and we use that to make episodes of the podcast i love that that's great okay expanding the zoo idea we could also you know how like there are multi-night cruises like on cruise ships so imagine like a cruise experience that lasts i don't know three days five days something like that and we have people in animal costumes but also electronic like animals walking around like animal electronics that you could spend five nights with them on this cruise ship.

I feel like there's something there. We need to work together on it. We can name them. No, no, you're on it. Five nights? Five nights with animatronics. But I feel like we should name them. We'll give them like human names.

Five nights out at sea. That's good. That's good. We'll keep working on that one. Can you imagine how terrifying it would be if we opened a Chuck E. Cheese-style restaurant with us as animatronics? Five nights at Bodie's.

It reminds me of the SNL skit where they've got... What's it called? They have the SNL cast playing animatronics and they're like, If you join with a friend and a friendly song then you'll have friendship all day long. I don't know if you guys know the one I'm talking about.

Man, you just doing that was terrifying no no that was a very good impersonation of it it was because people don't realize how tall you guys actually are so if your animatronic versions were even bigger than yourselves i'd be normal size of course but you know if you did just these giant looming human type animatronics i'd be pretty terrifying you know the group the wiggles yeah the colorful shirt ones they had their own part in a theme park in australia like why can't we get distract to land yeah why can't we get our own thing we could have a whole franchise of distractible we don't need our whole park but you know how universal has like it like indiana jones

well that's at disney i think but like you know, there's like the undersea adventure. There's all these like rides. It's like a story. We could be like the Fast and the Furious ride at Universal about family. We could be one of those rides, like a motion simulator 3D adventure ride. How do you even get that deal? But instead of like like, 3PO standing there turning around, it's one of us that, like,

comes on, and you never know which animatronic you're gonna get. Yeah. A different one of us will host your motion sensor ride each time. Yes, absolutely. This is what I've always wondered is, I'm not even joking about this, I don't know if I want this, but how do these other groups or whatever keep getting these rollercoaster

deals? How do you get a roller coaster deal? When do you know that you've made it and you're able to get a roller coaster deal? I don't want to spoil everything for you, Mark, but I think that happens because the company that owns the park also owns the movie. Let's sell in space to somebody. What happened? Who makes movies still paramount paramount's in space with marketplier then paramount stock parks they sold king's island never mind who owns uh king's island now who owns cedar point is it just called cedar what's their name it's uh owned by the six flags group i think right is it i thought it was someone else oh cedar

fair owns cedar pole cedar fairs in space you're making a movie right now cedar fairs submarine boy what's your movie called iron lung i remembered cedar fair submarine adventure with fire you would not want to ride that ride. I just want to say that straight up. We get him to sign waivers, man. It's fine. You didn't have any adverse effects from all the fake

blood or anything. It was fine. Oh, definitely not. Yeah, we'll put you in a nice metal tube. We'll dunk you in a vat of blood and it'll flood real fast. Did you just like did you know how fast the titan to get on the subject of the titan submarine go on do you know how fast it collapsed it was like measurable in like milliseconds right oh it was single digit

milliseconds yeah i imagine that i mean that that doesn't surprise me because as soon as one part starts to give out the entire structure will be compromised, right? before like pain registers through the nervous system and the implosion took place over the course of like seven like less than like you said single digit less than 10 milliseconds is that the full thing like fine to completely done in that amount of time fully pressurized to fully depressurized in like less than 10 milliseconds i didn't even perceive it happen they just yeah no like that's not that's terrifying i don't well in terms of ways to go it's not that bad i mean that that's true because i mean i imagine there was some creaking beforehand like we're gonna be straight up i imagine you don't think the pilot

had the little logitech controller and was like all right keep descending everything looks good and then that just happened out of nowhere you You think there might've been some signs? I think there might've been something. Yeah, that's probably usually if I know my submarine movies and I do, there's some noise before things happen. I've never even been on, on like one of the submarine rides,

like different theme parks, much less a real submarine. I can't imagine what it would be like, even when things were fine to be that deep on like a submarine and like the sound of things around you because i would just it's such a different experience anything i've been on i didn't know that james cameron was actually a submariner until after this submariner submariner i didn't i watched his documentary about his submarine adventures i did not know that that guy really loves submarines that guy was trained kid but for submarines and then made his entire

life about it that guy knows submarines i mean hey if you make enough blockbuster movies you can make anything happen yeah absolutely mark you need one or two more big hits and you can open your own theme park just like that wait if something's happening in ohio does that mean i i mean i don't like to win like this but it seems like the right thing to do i mean you were pretty up on points it was a fairly crushing victory in your favor but i can i can make it seem like it was close, so he feels good. All right, so Wade, he is no longer a part of the podcast. We do not condone his statements. We do not condone his actions.

Whatever he has done or will do, we disavow. It was bad. I'm with Mark. All right, cool, good. We stand in solidarity until one of us uh says something terrible and then we never believed in the other hey hey you're back yeah i keep having to restart my ethernet adapter like every day for like 10 minutes i have this issue meaning your router or no literally i have my ethernet adapter on the computer. Like, I'll just go in and restart adapter.

How old's your computer? This is brand new. Yeah, you just bought it from Micro Center. Ow! Go on! God damn it. Is this a motherboard issue or what would this be? Man, you wouldn't be having these problems with a Mac, would you?

I'm not that guy. People think I, would you? I'm not that guy. People think I'm that guy. I'm not that guy. So, Wade, you are down bad, but you are also down on points. If you want to get in any desperate last minute attempts to redeem points, now's your chance. What are we doing for points? Bad ideas for the podcast. Still,

whatever you got. Okay. I liked Bob's idea earlier that I'm going to steal because he didn't use it as an idea. And it's that we all three have to do Christopher walking impressions. And the episode is just called. We're walking here. And the whole time doc like this,

talk about whatever we want. And then at the end of the episode, whoever was the best or worst walking wins, you know, guys guys come on wow wow good idea i mean it's really his that was more of an offshoot of my idea that i nobody claimed it it was floating there i grabbed it i adopted it went and got tags put on it it's mine now well that was an admiral attempt you do get a point for that but unfortunately you just come up short on and the confessional where you guys confess all of your

horrible sins to me and i don't confess mine just short on points to clinch that and we could have a catalog of like rankings and we rank topics and like subcategories and put like the best parts at the top and the worst at the bottom on tears yeah ranking catalogs tier a list of tears

tears ranking catalogs just short on victory unfortunately Wade you are the big loser unless some random chance event occurs like a big wheel what if I had one

put one in my hand you got a real coin I don't have a real coin though I can flip a real coin oh wow good flip it no it doesn't count. Then why would I flip it? I'm not going to waste my- Doesn't count.

Just because you have a coin doesn't mean that it counts. I don't even have a lens cap. I have a lens cap. I do, too, and it's not even. I have a magnetic pop socket that'll flip. I don't think- No, the point is that we're not flipping. This is back to our roots.

I have this Mass Effect replica of the M8 Avenger. Flip it. Throw it in the air. Shit. It landed on its side. Wait, no one called it. You have to flip it again. Yeah, flip it again.

Call it. Man, I paid money for that. I don't think I will. I think I'll just eat my loss. Alright, Bob, it seems that fate has not smiled upon Wade and you are today's

winner. Congratulations. Yeah, I earned it. Yeah, you came up with the worst ideas. They were pretty bad. They were pretty bad. What if I just proceed to make those ideas that I said today my next several episodes whenever I have to host? I think that that's a perfectly valid thing

to do, and I think that all the people on the Starbred, it should be threatened that that will occur if they ever, if they ever, give us Lip again. If they ever think if they ever give us lip again, if they ever think that they could sass us for any particular reason, we will bust out the worst episode you've ever heard and or seen.

Yeah, well, because you made me lose the next time I host, I'm going to do the weird canceled finale. Wait, I think I just guaranteed I won't win. Guys, wait, hold on. I changed my mind. If you don't pick me, I'll do it. But how?

I don't... Blackmail? I don't know. We disavowed you when you went offline, so... That is true. You did? You guys talked without me? I didn't say much.

Mark talked a lot, but he said some stuff. Okay, well, that's not cool, but all right. It was pretty cool. It was pretty cool. Anyway, winner speaks, loser speaks. Who was pretty cool. It was pretty cool. Anyway, winner speaks, loser speaks. Who wants to go first? I'll go first. I should've won.

Alright, thanks for my time. Cool, Bob. I should've won. So I did. See? That's why he's the winner. That's why he won. That right there, that's why he won. He doesn't come up with the idea, he makes it better, and that's why he's the winner. That's why he won. That right there, that's why he won. He doesn't come up with the idea. He makes it better. And that's what it's all about.

Iterations. Learn about it. Is iteration another word for stealing or are those separate things? Oh, I am not an expert on that. Well, you should be. Bonkvine fantasies. I don't know what that means. Thank you everybody so much for listening and or watching to Distractible.

Be sure to tell your friends tell your neighbors Kidnap people force them to listen and then bring them in your cars You're going to the dump to find my wallet and then if you crash don't worry you'll land in trash and trash is always soft Thanks so much for being a part of this if you're part of the distractible subreddit. We hate you Is that not I thought we all agreed that's why I made this whole episode like we were like fuck the subreddit well it turns

out that we're cancelled finale has been held already um what what's that oh guys I gotta go okay all right well okay um his internet went out handshake deal I win? No. Podcast out.

I apologize for nothing.