Distractible - Superstitions

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

Bob hosts while Wade reveals his secrets for Cincinnati Bengals' success and Mark theorizes how compulsions might come from “the simulation.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable, a Wood Elf production with your hosts, Mutinous Mark, Wheezy Wade, and Buzzing Bob. This week, it's Hubble, Bubble, and Pinches of salt over the shoulder as the gents debate the oddities of antiquity in the form of the silliness we sustain. Yes, it's time for Superstitions. Please prepare thy lanterns and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome once again to another episode of Distractible. I'm your host, Bob. I will be the judge for today.

Joined as always by my friends, Mark and Wade. Hi. Hey, hey, hey. If you're new here, this is a podcast where the host judges the other two guys in a competition of wit and wisdom and merriment. And we just talk, we tell stories and talk shit to each other and and at the end the host picks a winner and they host the next episode so your prize is you don't get to have fun the next time you have to listen to two idiots talk to you sorry i mean i love this i'm looking

forward to this yeah come on man we can make it fun for you i'll make it so fun for you listen i'm just so anxious that i'm gonna rehash a topic we've already talked about that i don't i don't feel i don't feel good about it i'm worried it stresses me out uh but we usually this is the point at which we usually catch up talk a little personal stuff shop talk whatever how are you guys doing how's your how's your i don't know any near-death experiences since we talked last man just every time i sneeze yeah sounds fun tell fun. Tell us about it. Yeah. What happens? How does that happen? I sneeze. It's booming.

It's loud. My whole body shakes. Then afterward, like my chest and my arms feel really weak and achy for like a few minutes. That is weird. I looked up some stuff about this. If you hold in sneezes, because full transparency, we were talking about this and we lost the recording, but I did look up some more additional information. If you hold in a sneeze, you canpture the the blood vessels in your brain you can have an aneurysm or you can break your ribs you can literally break your ribs trying to hold it because all the pressure goes back down

into your lungs and it could just like shatter your ribs from the inside out that sounds not good i never try to hold it so why are mine still so painful well no so i'm curious i don't know if you can describe it or what. When I sneeze, you get the itch in your nose. My spine straightens up. I sit up or I sit back and I do all big like my sinuses close up. Like I cover my face because I can feel it. My mouth is open.

Air comes out of my mouth. So I let it out. Do you like close your throat? Close your mouth? Do you do anything that makes it like this because i can't imagine why it hurts so much i think i throw my head my neck and my back forward a little bit and i think that that quick jerking motion is just so intense like you know how like a chicken bobbles its head when it walks if you like try to imitate that if you do that like

really hard and really fast and you throw your back into it a little bit more too after you're done you feel it in your chest the middle of your back and your shoulders i think that's why it aches i think it's just such an intense jerking motion i want to see a video of someone listening this trying to recreate what wade just described because the motions there were too many motions happening put it on the sub reddit put it on the subreddit recreate wade sneeze but don't hurt yourselves but yeah we're not responsible for anyone hurting themselves please only professional sneezers let me describe it in order you sit up straight because right as you said it's like the huh yeah as i go uh i sit up straight and then like i start to tilt my head back and as i chew i lean forward a little bit

but i throw my head forward a lot harder and then it kind of like my head reaches the point where it can't really go forward so it kind of like tilts down and pulls back up and then i end up in that straight position again but in the process i've thrown my head and shoulders forward so hard that it makes my body ache a little bit this it sounds like an instructional video on how to do a back flip i'm not gonna lie or a front flip how to do a back sneeze what i was thinking as you were describing that is it sounds like you're watching a video of jack black performing something and you just he did this move and you were like that's how i want to sneeze how do i capture this because that sounds like the jack black is all about the like dramatic head jerking and jumping and he's crazy man i would not recommend it it's painful and i hate it i hate sneezing it always hurts you know what that reminds me of we're getting older guys and oh let's do an episode

about that yeah what about you mark any near-death sneezes no accidental poop in your pants what's going on not not to date yet um it's been pretty ordinary. I did a stupid live stream. And for some reason, people tolerate my dumb ideas. And someone just stopped me. But that's about it. I thought that was a funny idea. Thank you. I did too.

I did not watch all of it. Cards on the table. But I thought that was very funny. Weak. Wow. You're weak. Okay. I was just trying to be supportive.

I mean, you're strong. You're so strong. Oh, thanks. That fixes it. That feels better. I'm terrified. I might have to sneeze again. I'm just so paranoid.

Do it. I want a live example. I'm like looking around my room as if I'm like looking for the sneeze approaching so I can dodge it. Wade lives in constant fear of the sneeze. He sees a dandelion with all white and fluffy looking. And he's like, no, you get back. I hate sneezing. They're really loud, obnoxious.

And Molly gets like angry whenever like random loud noises appear out of nowhere. So like I'll sneeze and she's like up mad. She's like, oh, shut the hell up. And then I'm like in pain. Oh God, it hurts so bad. Nothing good ever comes from these sneezes. It's ripping my life apart that is a weird thing when i sneeze it's not quiet but like i don't do there's not a lot

of histrionics i'm just kind of like like you know it's like a cough but there are people i've been around people who sneeze and i don't know if they like they're just always surprised, but they'll sneeze and they'll be like Did you try and make that louder than it needed to be Like they're like no, that's just how I sneeze every time I sneeze no matter what's happening It's like a big wind-up and it's like an anime scream. Yeah, and it's like what why why is it like that? What happened my grandpa used to sneeze like eight times in a row he'd hot you hot you hot you hot you just back to back to back with no break and no breathing in between i don't know how he'd survive that either but what i don't understand is why molly is mad like when you sneeze it sounds like you just know a sneeze to come here like oh

no get back well normally there's no warning it's not like she knows i'm about to sneeze it's just like it's like her fear response if something like startles her that's a loud noise it just like her fear response is just to like be angry about the loud noise i mean i get that i kind of do that i guess it's a fight response to like hearing a loud, sudden noise out of nowhere. I don't know. Mandy does not have particularly loud or outrageous sneezes, but if there's ever like a loud bang, you know, like accidental things that happen, I'm,

I'm that person who's always like, God, what the fuck? It's like, I dropped a thing on my foot. It really hurts. I'm like, he scared me.

Yeah. Jeez. I have that same response a little bit. Ah, sneezes, man. is there a video of molly playing five nights at freddy's because she screamed at one point i think ah fuck you yeah just punched her monitor and destroyed her it's really summit 1g that stuff anyway this episode sounds like it could be about sneezes but it's not what a twist i've got a quiz i've got a quiz that i want to start this episode with i did one of

those once i'm curious interesting i want to i want you guys to answer you can no don't take too much time but answer instinctively i'm gonna ask some questions and i just want to hear hear what you think question one which direction should your head be pointing when you sleep uh cardinal directions like north south east west what what what's the best direction how about that okay uh southwest no no no no that's a fool's answer it's gotta be east east east finally west away from the sun i'm gonna say mark is more correct than wade what you really don't want is north or west because if you are in japan and you're asleep with your head facing north that's how the deceased are laid so that's a bad sign

and if you're in africa the deceased are laid with their head pointing west so you don't want north or west east is good southeast is the best it's furthest from dead if you you know if you follow this uh all right question question which hand is it better to have masturbate with itchiness on which hand do you want to be itchy not the one you masturbate with wait the hand the hand itself is itchy or you're itching with that you got an itch you got to scratch an itch and it just popped up which hand would you rather it be on left uh i agree left yeah keep it away from the penis wrong right in turkey if your left hand is itchy it means you're about to lose a bunch of money. If your right hand is itchy, it means you're about to come into a bunch of money.

The left is the wrong one. My right hand has never been itchy. I'm going to go intentionally put my hand in a bag of mosquitoes so I can get a lot of money. Which is better? Who has a bag of mosquitoes? Me, soon. Hold on. Let me find a website.

Like a weird con man move in Turkey. Buymosquitoes.com. Is that a thing? Keep your jar of mosquitoes around so you can have the itchiness in the right spot at the right time. Convince people. You got a guy in a trench coat in an alley. Hey, you want some itch? And he opens it up and mosquitoes start flying.

All right. Next question. Where is it better to whistle? Inside or outside? Your mouth. Oh, outside. Inside, the beat counter. Wade is correct.

In Lithuania, it's forbidden to whistle indoors because that noise summons demons. Oh. You can buy mosquito larvae. How much? Groups of 100, 200, or 500. That's a lot of bites. God, I remember one time when Matt Watson bought a bag of ladybugs off of Amazon. That's the end of the story.

He just, like, he just, like, one day a package showed up and you know he probably hey look ladybug it was just a bag full of ladybugs and that's it last question okay last question one more question i'm gonna get this one this is an easy one got it what color flowers should you get for someone who you like who you like you're trying to get someone a nice gift flowers for a person you like or you're cool with what's get someone a nice gift flowers for a person you like or you're cool with what's a good color to get flowers yellow blue mark you have to be joking me oh did i get it the only wrong answer is yellow yeah giving yellow flowers in subcultures means that you're cursing that person with infidelity. You're cursing them to be a dirty adulterer.

With specifically, like, oh, you gave me yellow flowers. Now I have to cheat. You bastard. You could have guessed any color other than yellow and been correct on that one. And somehow you got yellow. What about like a kind of yellow-ish color, like mac and cheese? I mean, that's borderline. You don't want to push it.

You don't want too yellow of an orange bunch of flowers. That's for sure. So yellow flowers will cause someone to cheat, not be cheated on. You're cursing them with infidelity. It's sort of general. It could be either. It could cause them to be cheated on

or cause them to commit infidelity. It's a curse. I hand out yellow flowers on the street randomly to people and instantly their significant other starts cheating on them like that moment teleport into a brothel yeah so if you have a crush on your friend's girlfriend or boyfriend give your friend some yellow flowers yeah oh yeah it's gonna be a big influx of yellow flowers in the high schools all around the country the amount of sex we just caused anyway have you figured out the topic these questions are all very pointed

and about they're all surrounding a specific topic have you figured it out I'm curious maybe this is the last question mosquito hold on geriatrics geriatrics what is what did you type? Geriatrics. Geriatrics. What did you type and why is that?

What? A magician never reveals their secrets. Oh my god. Do I get a point if I say the answer? Yes. Supercision. Aha. I feel like Wade knew that.

You never know what Wade knows. A magician never reveals their secrets. I'm going to sneeze. It's like me knew that. I don't know. You never know what Wade knows. A magician never reveals their secret. I gotta sneeze. It's like me on that stream is like, no, I'm not an idiot, or am I? I lost. If I lose my sneeze, do I die? Yeah, that's actually a superstition I just came up with. If you feel like you need to sneeze, but then you don't sneeze, that's actually your soul leaving your body.

Oh, no. You'll be dead soon. Well, hopefully I make it through the episode. Is it like you sneeze the demon that's trying to take it away? Everyone knows the sinuses are the soul's entrance and exit of the body. Sneezing shuts down the sinuses and prevents the soul from escaping. You know the old saying, the sinuses are the windows of the soul. Yeah.

No, everybody knows that. No, if the eyes are the windows, the sinuses are the doors. The sinuses are the doors of the soul. Yeah. They're right next to the windows. You're right. Where they belong. When you're right, you're right.

The rest of you is just soul walls. That's not interesting. That is a good way to describe the human condition. You know, it's just like our skin is just the soul wall. The butthole is kind of like the basement window that no one could enter or exit of the soul right you got to get some light in there sometimes i don't know yeah that's why you sunbathe your asshole so you can let your soul get some fresh air yeah it's generous um anyway superstitions point for mark hey cool excellent work i guess how many for the geriatric community

none for them they're not playing and no points for that answer was that the word you were trying to say the whole time and you couldn't remember the word so you try to google i thought geriatrics was something else so i don't want to talk about it no no i'll give you a point if you tell me what you thought geriatrics was come on now uh i thought it was related to um uh people who just uh are into strange hobbies what that's not embarrassing that's not the right answer he just made that up people so i i it is embarrassing because i should definitely know old people he made it up he made it up uh i promised a point that felt kind of disingenuous but another point for ways you have to say it'd be a good answer

you just said if i told you well i was expecting Wade. You have to say it'd be a good answer. You just said if I told you. Well, I was expecting an honest answer. Didn't specify it'd be good, but honesty helps, Wade. Honesty is the best practice, okay? Navigating adulting isn't always easy. You're not just working. You're working late. And dinner dates are all, what's your five-year plan?

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talking about some superstitions that we hold maybe just sort of discuss you know funny ones ones that you have oh yeah i'd like if you have any stories about times where your superstitions like came true where you were like ah i don't have to i'm not that's silly super and then you did something and you were like ah i should have done it do you have any of those or if there are any good ones you can find and pass off as your own i'm open to that i feel like there's a lot of relatable superstitions so think of the weird ones that you have okay i'm only super superstitious like about one thing i probably have some superstitions but there's one particular thing that i am ridiculously superstitious about and i do all kinds of stuff centered around that superstition so i don't know if we want to jump right in or if we want to do i don't know mark if you feel like you've got a whole saga of superstition uh you

can hold on to that if you'd like to come up with a title best title might win some points they're saying hmm well the problem is i can't think of any superstitions that i personally have really so not even like simple stuff like you're laying in bed and you're mentally you're like oh don't let your foot hang over the bed the bed demon will get you stuff like that. If that qualifies as superstition. OK, that's a different category of stuff. Stuff like that, I would say is superstition. OK.

Webster's Dictionary defines superstition as a belief or practice resulting from these sound really mean, but OK. Ignorance, fear of the unknown, trust in magic or chance or a false conception of causation so anything that you do because you believe or fear something is going to happen that's not based in like fact or reality that's purely ignorance or so by that definition title you must have something can i ask my question before he gives his title yeah yeah yeah mark first so like the whole concept of like karma in general is kind of a superstitious belief based on that definition yeah because like causation um leading from one thing or another yeah uh i'm not a big proponent of karma okay i defer i humbly bequeath the first go to wade humbly i'll allow the first go to Wade.

Humbly. I'll allow this. What's your title, Wade? What's your title? All right. Mark, you're going to love this one. Are you ready? What?

Go my favorite sports team. Okay. I see what you did there. Oh, man. Is that that great sports podcast that people can listen to on Spotify or wherever they listen to podcasts? Like this one? Yeah? Yeah, it is. I thought it was just a Brian Regan reference. I'm a Cincinnati Bengals fan.

Football, NFL football, American football. I didn't really like it when I was young. My dad watched it, my grandma watched it, and then around 2004, 2005, I started watching, and I got super into it. And immediately, the superstition started coming in. Went to the University of Cincinnati, and our football team was good while we were there. super into it and immediately the superstition started coming in went to university of cincinnati and our football team was good while we were there and i remember we were watching a game i think we

were we had an undefeated season this is back in like 2009 and we were playing pittsburgh it was barricades versus pittsburgh and like everything was on the line in this game and we were losing like big and tyler was over at the house with me and i remember he we were sitting like i was sitting on the couch he was sitting on a chair and randomly like at one point in the game he instead of sitting on the chair he laid across it for me to like stretch out his back but when he did that we got like an interception or we had like a punt return touchdown something big happened and i was like tyler you're not allowed to move the rest of the game you have to lay in that position and he was so uncomfortable but he did it and we came back and we won the game he started to move at one point or he like stood up and pittsburgh took

the lead he laid back down they missed an extra point we came back down the field and won the game at the very end and like that clicked something in my brain where i was like i can control whether we win or lose and i have been toying with the formula for over a decade to try anything to make the bangles win and this year i thought i had it guys i did yeah what'd you do what's this what's the recipe i've had this shirt uh it's a gray shirt with the cincinnati reds who's the major league baseball team here in cincinnati it has their logo on the middle it's a sleep shirt that i've just used as a sleep shirt. And I was watching the game.

One of the games this season, I forget which one it started with. A game we weren't like expected to lose or win or whatever. It was kind of like a 50-50 toss-up game. And we won like pretty big. And I was like, huh, maybe if I wear this shirt every game day, we'll keep winning. And we did.

We beat Baltimore. We beat Kansas City. We made it to the playoffs we won our first playoff game like in our lifetimes since like 1989 1990 uh basically since we were old enough to watch at least we won our second playoff game the first road playoff game ever in bengals history we won a second road playoff game we made the super bowl so while watching these games on top of having to wear this shirt, I also had to sit in a particular way. My drink had to sit in a particular spot.

On Super Bowl Sunday, we stopped and got a coffee on the way there. I got a cider and the cider was made wrong. Like it tasted like burnt coffee. It was awful. And I told Molly, I was like, this is a bad omen. I don't normally get these on Sundays. And this one tastes bad. We're going to lose because they fucked up my order and then

they lost the super bowl and now it's like i'm never getting a coffee or a cider i'm never getting a drink like this i'll only drink water on football sundays forever now i've got my football shirt i've got my football spot i've got my i cannot wear anything with bangles on it during game days every time i've worn like bangles gear or a jersey or anything we've lost or someone's gotten hurt. I have so many superstitions tied around this because we just suck and we don't ever win. This is another first like good year in a long time and something always notoriously goes horribly wrong.

So I have just built in instead of stopping my belief in superstitions. I just keep adding to it. I need more things. Eventually, I'll be good enough for us to win a super bowl i will do whatever it takes well okay i hate to like burst your bubble man but i just want to put it out there i don't think you have the power i think tyler had the power or rather i think your couch had the power because in none of your replications did you ever bring tyler back over to lay on the couch in that position i have the chair that he laid across

it's in our house i couldn't let my mom get rid of it you didn't bring him back for any of those i would chalk those up to like uh the skill of the players that they won those games you know i would chalk that up to that no that has nothing to do you lost us the super bowl because you didn't kidnap tyler and put him on your couch i'm going to mail him this chair so he has to no no no no you keep trying to change the formula it has to be in your house yeah we don't have that house anymore that's why do you keep letting things getting in the way of the bangles success you're actually making me rethink things stop what do you mean rethink things you thought it right in the first place do i is that house for sale i need to find the house

you gotta go back man you gotta go back if you want them to win hey mark will you buy me a house no this is your responsibility sell your current house you gentle listeners no no no that would break the formula yeah your mom has to buy it for you yeah that's the deal it was your mom's house she didn't buy it for me in the first place it was her house yeah exactly there you go well then she's gotta buy it live there again move out let you live there what was the address of that house yeah see see you keep trying to like add things and mix things to the recipe when you really gotta face the truth you had it you had it in your hands well it worked for the bearcats kind of it didn't work for nothing has ever worked for the Bearcats kind of. It didn't work for... Nothing's ever worked for the Bengals, man.

I don't know if I have their recipe. Wait, wasn't this for the Bengals? No, the Tyler thing was for a Bearcats game. That was the... It was UC. It was the Bearcats that Tyler laid across the chair. I see. Okay.

I think I watched that Bearcats game. At that point, it was the biggest game in like Bearcat Sister. Is that the one that finished 43-42? Yeah, it was the one where they literally got like a touchdown touchdown that they missed the extra point we came back and we won because of an extra point i think it was i like fell out of my chair i remember i was watching that game in my apartment that i lived in on like just off campus and i was just sitting there glued to it every moment and when they won i literally threw my arms up and fell over in my office chair because it was the most unbelievable sporting event I had ever watched. Wow.

It was a good game. Thanks, Tyler. Thank you, Tyler. Everyone give a round of applause for Tyler. The final score was 45 to 44. That was close. Yeah. Yeah, no, I remember that game.

That was a hell of a game. Even I think I remember that game. I don't really watch football. You might have lived with those guys who might have been watching it on the big tv in the living room yeah maybe yeah maybe that probably was it they were football guys and then i made the mistake of hanging out with our group of friends i'm not gonna say all their names but they were like hey let's have a let's have a sugar bowl watch party and uh we got together and we watched tim tebow and the florida gators annihilate us we We broke the formula. Yeah. Great quarterback

Tim Tebow. Anyway, I can't believe you let the Bengals lose the Super Bowl then. I'm trying so hard to find the perfect formula. You found it. You had it. And you let it slip away and you have angered the universe. We've gotten the coffee the week before and it worked. It's because they made it wrong. They did this.

Stop blaming other people. You should have gone back blame yourself take responsibility starbucks is responsible for this they are rams fans confirmed no no no well maybe wait do you think there's a limit on the extent to it like will there ever be a point where you're doing you know a hundred things you're wearing the shirt the socks the underwear has never been washed you're sitting in the chair that's all ruined and torn you're drinking a thing you don't even like anymore because it's been a decade and your taste has changed and you're sitting there and the bangles lose and you're just like i'm not gonna do this anymore it doesn't work i've lost it is there a

is that a thing for you no i always find an excuse i'm always like oh man i got up to pee at the halftime i shouldn't have got to pee or it's like oh dude i eat lunch during the game i should have went until after or it's because my dog wanted on my lap he was sitting next to me we were winning he got on my lap and we started losing i always think of something there's always some weird rationale like i know logically none of this makes any sense and it's all just bullshit but like in the moment it's like i my brain for some reason just tries to find any excuse i guess we just naturally we want to have control of things. So whenever something like that happens, it's like, oh man, the butterfly effect. I could have affected it.

The wind could have shifted just ever so slightly if I had, I don't know, farted to the left instead of to the right on the couch. Why did I aim my cheeks to the left? Well, you heard it here, Cincinnati football fans. It's all Wade's fault, apparently. Sorry. That's really the only thing, though. I know it's a thing you're like a fan of.

You get really excited for football, sports in general, I guess. But clearly Cincinnati sports. There's nothing else you go in that hard for. There must be other things you like and enjoy that you have that same desperate desire to have control over. Honestly, I mean, no. I have other minor superstitions like if i get like a weird feeling at night and like i'm warm and i have like a leg outside of the blanket to cool off if i get like a weird feeling i immediately like have to put my arms and legs under the

blanket and it's like okay now i'm safe like i've got weird little quirky things like that but nothing that i'm like bat shit crazy about other than like the the superstitions over football because i mean i am an absolute maniac it makes no sense how much i'm like oh i'm sitting with my my ankles crossed over each other i need to have my left foot sticking out slightly right foot bent in yeah that's when we scored the last touchdown we didn't settle for a field goal that possession like my brain operates like that during a game for like three or four hours straight my brain is just like body positioning should your hoodie be zipped up no no it should be exposed i need to show as much of this lucky shirt as possible

you should live tweet this inner dialogue sometime monologue i guess yeah i would watch that i don't know if i've ever even admitted to anyone other than molly how like much of the obsession is during a game i want to see it uh it's unpleasant i don't recommend it i recommend just being a rational normal human being well you get 18 points he admitted something very private and and some people might think it's silly and and you know embarrassing or something i appreciate that that's very bold of you wade i'm trying to think of like anything else i do i guess the knock on whoa whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, whoa, whoa, hey, yo, God, how many turns is this guy gonna get? Holy shit. Well, you should have deferred.

Do you have something, Mark? Yeah, of course I got something. I'm buying you time. Got just a Wade show here. I got stuff. All right. Oh, you know what it's called uh what's your title mark what do you got uh all right i got a few more

your shiny yeah uh uh knocking on the door of history oh yeah pretty good right lame bold yeah how's that mark wins the title yes what three points for your title thank you thank you thank you very much all right so uh in general i don't really have that many superstitions but there are things that i do unconsciously and i think that have been baked into all of our brains and the first and foremost is like what wade was saying well what really i was going to say you know i had the idea before is knocking on wood like that one is so ubiquitous i do it all the time if someone says like if i say something because i'll always make statements like nothing can go wrong and everyone's like knock on wood knock on wood and i will go and

i'll find you know real wood and just try to knock on it but i was curious as to what the origin of knocking on wood was and apparently there's a bunch of different theories about where it's come from but apparently the superstition originates in a 19th century british children's game called tiggy touchwood oh that sounds dirty it's not like a weird period piece pornography tiggy better not uh i mean it probably is because just the name is there, but it's basically tags. So people will play and you get immunity from being tagged by touching the nearest piece of wood and adults picked up on the habit. And in Britain, instead of saying knock on wood, they still say touch wood.

Well, you know what? I have heard that. That's interesting. Yeah. I figured that British people just like to say things weirdly because they're British, but that makes sense yeah there's some kind of like celtic indo-european beliefs about like how good spirits reside in trees you know they can be called upon for protection or whatever but really probably the reason why it's so in the common vernacular of

knock on wood and people do that is because it's from a game and it's kind of like you grow up with that and you remember from your childhood there was one study where there were 10 monkeys in a cage and there was a ladder with a banana on a string only reachable if you climb the ladder but when one monkey tried to climb the ladder the whole like enclosure of 10 monkeys was sprayed with cold water and then like they introduced a new monkey into the cage uh and that monkey would try to climb and the whole cage would be sprayed with cold water. And then the next monkey came in and then all the other monkeys, when that new monkey tried to climb for the banana, tried to stop that monkey. Right. They tried to stop it because they knew cold water would be sprayed. But then eventually they replaced all of the monkeys that were originally there that got sprayed.

So by the end of it, there were 10 monkeys that had never been sprayed with water but all of them didn't climb the ladder not because they knew what would happen but because they knew they would be punished for it but none of the monkeys were part of the original thing anymore but all of them because they were introduced one at a time prevented the other ones because they knew something bad would happen so yeah so it got to a point where the water never even happened exactly it was all monkeys populating it no water was ever sprayed on them but they they learned and anytime a new monkey was introduced the other monkey stopped that monkey from climbing the ladder and then that new monkey was like i guess we don't climb that ladder we just don't do that so yeah i think that's kind of like where that originates and that kind of explains a lot of

these superstitions because there's a lot of big ones like throw salt over your shoulder you know uh they're walking under a ladder um you know a broken mirror or something like that or um a step on a crack break your mother's back i'm just looking at a list of like the most popular ones there are a couple that apply to us i think um whenever we were doing the you're welcome tour yeah the crew would always be like hey break a leg when we go out there break a leg before going on the Like, they don't say good luck. They tell you something bad because apparently saying good luck is like, there's a superstition about saying like, I don't know, have a good show or something.

It's always like the negative, like break a leg, break an arm, break your ass, you know? Break your ass? Yeah. Hey, break your ass out there. Hey, break your ass. I don't know the context of that one, but I know that that's another one that people do, right?

It's been a while, but I do actually remember because i didn't understand it because we were outsiders stage people who knew they would be like break your leg and i'd be like die yeah yeah step it up yeah that's like the worst thing that could happen right like hey burst into flames go get them you're the reason our show is so successful bob everyone loved it because you told everyone to die beforehand you brought that positive energy by getting the negative out single-handedly i want a really superstitious director to just before every performance of play or whatever the show go and find a different person each night and just walk up grab their shoulder hold them eye to eye look into their eyes and be like i hope you fucking die tonight okay just go out into the audience they find one random audience member

yeah and the person is like ah it's me fucking little suzy a little lollipop like i can't wait to see my favorite show director's i hope you die tonight he's like oh boy i got chosen you know uh wade this is what you gotta do to make the Bengals win, right? So you got to go to the games and, you know, you got to be in the seats that are right where the players come out. And as they're coming out, you just go like, go die. Break your legs. Have your back broken in half.

And they'll all thank you. So I just have to act like opposing fan bases. That's easy enough. You're sitting by the player tunnel and all the the other teams fans aren't doing that and you're just sitting next to them like you're actually wishing them good luck you're doing the opposite of what you think common vernacular break a leg applies to the situation i'm gonna bring a whole bunch of usbs with a powerpoint just hand them out and be like this is why whenever you say negative things to our team you're actually helping us win

yeah here's one for you and you for everyone know that is how wade talks at every sports game this one for you oh you're playing right into my hand i've not gone to a game in person in a long time i don't know if i ever can again because the last one i went to our quarterback got hurt before halftime and we lost like 43 to 3 were you at the game where carson ballmer's career was ended no no it wasn't that one there was one that dalton got hurt it was not the playoff game it was like a couple years later i was like i don't know we were playing the browns and uh he got taken out before halftime with like a hand injury we lost like 43 to 13 or something and i was like i can't go any

more games that's it i'm done what if your superstitions lead you one day to be like oh well i can't watch the games anymore i guess i'll try like listening on the radio oh can't listen can't listen live there was a game that i spent the entirety of the game in a bathroom because we did well when i was in the bathroom so i refused to leave it nobody said anything about that everyone was like oh that's just wade no i stepped out i i stepped out like the other team had a big play like go back in go back in everyone encourages it we all understand the importance of superstitions when it comes to watching sports but at what point do your superstitions start to overlap and you're competing with superstitions like one person says that they should wear a shirt, but the other person says that shirt's

cursed. Then you cut the shirt in half and you wear half the shirt. Ah, that's smart. But what if there's a guy who's like, no half shirts. That's what made me lose last time. Well, then you cut the shirt into a different fraction and you just wear most of the shirt. Two thirds, three quarters, whatever works. I'm usually the most superstitious one.

So normally everyone else just kind of like feeds off of my weirdness. So back to Mark's thing. I get what you're saying about the touching wood thing. Like sure, that kids learn that touching wood is good, keeps you safe, whatever. You can see that there are a bunch that I refuse to believe just developed on their own because it's a natural situation. Step on a crack, break your mother's back. How many kids had to step on

how many cracks at the exact same day that their mother's back was broken for that to stick how many people are breaking their backs was that a common injury in a different time i have no in the first half of the 20th century where there are a lot of broken backs because the housewives were doing something that broke their backs or something i don't understand yeah i don't never believed in that one i remember a friend and i were like running around one day intentionally stepping on the cracks we're like sorry mom maybe i should have gotten a pb and j instead of a ham and cheese today mom wow that's pretty mean man that's harsh this is why the bangles are losing i wanted the wild cherry capri sun mom i did just have a

great video idea though okay we should all get together break our mom's back live on camera and get as many ladders mirrors cracks and other such things together as we can and just just violate the universe until something bad happens to one of us and the first one who's mom's back breaks or whatever you lose video boom it's like the hot potato of superstition. We each do increasingly more quote unquote dangerous superstitious activities. And it's all going to build and build. The energies are going to swirl between us. And then the last one is they're going to explode.

We're just going to. I just imagine like we push it so far. One of our moms actually passes away the other two show up like with a video camera like dude how's it feel to be the loser lost your mom loser we're live at mark's mom's funeral ha ha ha suck it when did how did the karma like have a blowback upon you guys to turn you into California douches? Yeah, it started sitting terrible people. Nothing else bad happened, but we just turned into a-holes.

The backwash of energy. Whoa! 405! We're about to get a lot of angry emails from every person who's like my mom broke her back the day your episode came out you did this god you know like because that's a crazy thing with the number of people out there statistically speaking it's possible and someone may attribute it to us yeah it's likely even we are not liable for any mother's broken backs i'm not stepping on any cracks right now i don't think i hope everyone's mom is perfectly safe knock on wood okay so there's a thing like because a crack in the ground is different from like just like a seam like connecting like wood panels or something

like that between between cement sections or whatever or seams or yeah oh okay i always treated those as the cracks maybe that's why my mom's okay those are supposed to be those aren't cracks those are gaps i gotta call my buddy up we gotta find some real cracks your poor mother because i only believe in football superstitions mark the rest are dumb yeah fingers crossed that i'm right about that i'm not a extremely superstitious person but like there's no reason not to avoid stepping on cracks. You know, it's not really an inconvenience. I'll do that.

I won't walk under a ladder. Like, you know, I'm always nervous about the parameters. How small of a crack are we talking? Yeah. How under the ladder do you have to go? Do you have to pass under it all the way? If you stand under a ladder, but then go back out the way you came, does that not count? the way if you stand under a ladder but then go back out the way you came does that not count what if the mirror breaks by you know you're there but someone else breaks it near you but

like you could have stopped it from breaking so your inaction causes me how close do i have to be to uphold these superstitions that's what i want to know if only we had some kind of a guru yeah no we own a black cat every time he passes by in front of me is that bad luck i do feel pretty uneasy i know caters is cool you guys have had him for a long time but every time i come over and he looks at me i'm kind of like ah yeah don't look at me yeah it's actually a thing where people legitimately do fear black cats like whenever my mom got him way back in the day the person who had him was really thankful because they're like yeah a lot of people come and they adopt black cats close to halloween just to like torture and

kill them or something like awful no people like people oh my god legitimately are cruel to black cats especially around halloween oh yeah why because they're sick i don't know but i'm not saying you're like that bob but like that fear like does manifest it's like the angry mob around i don't know around like days like that like oh black cat get it and it's just horrible well it's just we kind of got through mark's stuff and i feel like he might have more to say but i feel like we covered the bulk of it i'm gonna go ahead and award you 12 points for your story mark yes okay all right cool love that love that love that okay i'm still up by some number i don't think that's what the math will show wade i thought

i thought i was up i'm about like four right now right no i don't think so 12 and 3 18 and 1 right yeah did he get bonus points somewhere else yeah he did can i have them can i get mark's points because i promoted his podcast, his other podcast? You get points from me. Yeah, Mark can give you as many points as he wants. Okay. I choose the right to reserve those points for a day, Mark Host, so that I get bonus points on that episode.

Thanks. Oh, okay. Oh, it's kind of between you guys, I guess. Uh. Yeah. Okay, I need more points. I need more points. Uh.

Got any superstitions to help you win points, Wade? No. I do. I do have one thing. It's not really a superstition. Maybe it's more like an OCD thing, which might be where some of these stem from. But whenever I do, say, step on a line in a sidewalk, if I do it with my right foot, I have to step on it an equal number with my left foot.

So when I'm walking down the street, I'm constantly watching for when I am stepping on like lines or cracks or anything like that. Not because I think my mom's back will break, but because it bugs me if I don't step on it with the other foot evenly in the exact same place on my foot that I stepped on it. And if I get out of sync, I will like change up my stride to try to naturally. So I don't just look like I'm from the ministry of funny walks, like just going down the street to hit the exact spot where it was before. And I've gotten like pretty precise, I think anyway, because I'll know if I'm like, oh, no, that one was close, but not now I have to compensate for that one and another one on the left foot.

So like I got to hit that spot on my right foot. It's it's kind of weird. Like that does kind of put an obsession in my brain when I'm walking. If I get in a loop like that. So kind of on a little side tangent here, some people get really upset when you say like an OCD thing, because I guess OCD has to be a specific, it has to affect you in like a certain way that has to be like somewhat debilitating to your like everyday life or something. Right. Because I've always attributed like I have this counting thing that I've always called like an OCD thing too.

And maybe that's not the right terminology now now and apologies if it isn't everyone out there listening but like if we go out to like a pub or a tavern or a bar or something or even a restaurant and there's a brick wall i am compelled to count the number of bricks in because you know how bricks are like offset so like one row will be you know however many across in the next row it'll be two bricks that meet and like that meeting point will be in the middle of the brick above and the brick below so there's a different number of bricks in each row i have to count both of those rows and figure out the number of bricks and half bricks quarter bricks whatever and then i have to count the number of columns too like i am compelled to count bricks that's a lot oh man what if okay i'm gonna expand on this because you know how there's

this theory that the whole universe is a simulation, right? You know, it's all just run on a big computer or something more of a fact, but sure. Oh, anyway. So what if like the computation for that simulation is offloaded and like divvied up between every living thing in that universe? So like you counting bricks is like some algorithm that needs to count bricks and that's why you're compelled to do that and me stepping on like lines on the ground is like some measuring thing and it's just like a small sub like process that we think is like weird it's like oh why do i have to do this it's like we have to do this because we're all

like feeding data back to the simulation or something like that what if the higher power is just superstitious and it makes us do all of these things to like help protect its own superstition it has a sports team it's rooting for and it's like dude we haven't won yet i'm just going to create a whole fucking species to help me alleviate my superstitions this guy's wearing the same shirt every week you're gonna step on the cracks you're gonna avoid the cracks just in case we're gonna cover all the bases we were made in god's image and god was really fucking superstitious you feral black cat have 30 babies all of you are crossing this guy's path today you you'll never

see a black cat in your life guess what you get sir ladders nothing but ladders and you're gonna go under them so you're offering me thirty dollars an hour just to walk under ladders all day yes i don't know why johnson but i'm compelled to do it well that's a ladder safety inspector clearly you have to go under the ladder and observe the stability as well as measure the angle it's the whole process you know it's willie's job to climb the ladders, Johnson. Your job is to walk under them. I don't know why your names are Willie and Johnson. It's coincidence.

Yeah, why are all the guys in your theoretical scenarios nicknames for penises? It's Peter's job to break those mirrors. Dick decides whether they're wooden ladders or metal ladders. Peony, we need that safety harness. I don't have any more dick names. Hey, Chubb, come over here. Cochran, those cracks

aren't going to step on themselves. Did we do Cocker? Did you just say Cocker? I don't think I got Cocker. I said Cochran. Oh. So Cocker would be different. Cocker could be a guy's last name. Cochran Cocker. His name's Dick Cocker. Dick Cocker. Richard Cocker. Hey, male genitalia, get over here all right well

how do we skip peter well no one of you said peter i was thinking that i think mark said peter i didn't say peter oh one of you absolutely said peter it wasn't you wade hey pecker phallus no someone said peeny i heard peeny which i was like i said peeny but no i said peeny because i was gonna say peter and then it's a whole that we they we got there morning wood go tell shaft it's time to examine the tool hey schlong johnson we're gonna keep knocking on that wood no watch out watch out there's a gap there actually schlong johnson just knocks on his dick is it true that there's certain things you can't name your kid like could you not name your kid schlong johnson like is that one of those names like they just won't let you do it i mean by can't what do you mean like the government won't

let you like legally isn't there like like can you not name your child like certain things i don't think there are any rules or laws on the books unless they're maybe like local state ones that i'm just not aware of. I don't think there's rules about that. Freedom. I don't think government has any say in that. If you named your kid like fucker, there might be, it might cause an issue of, I don't know, obscenity. There might be laws. Cause like, you know how to be nude in public, right? Like America has all these prudish laws about nudity and upsetting the the peace of the whatever so if you named your child something that was obscene like you know you could imagine

you know stacy adams we have stacy adams uh little dumb shit raise your hand little dumb shit right here by no means am i an expert but i did go to law school i don't think that's really even a power that the government has like it's definitely not a federal power i guess all other powers are kind of reserved to the states but like there's not really a good legal justification for laws about what you could name a child i found a list of names there's a list of 50 baby names illegal around the world what so in california you can't name your baby three numerical like ones why okay name meaning three or the third reason for ban it's inherently confusing i mean wait what was elon musk's newest kid's name oh side who knows yeah but i mean okay

so that's for california if you just have a baby in a state that doesn't allow it you just pop that baby back in go to another state and you're good lucia i don't know if i'm pronouncing it right lucia is banned in california as well with an accent on the eye accents and special characters aren't permitted in california that's a problem for the spanish-speaking population i am i'm just don't know. This is stacker.com. I don't know. You know, I don't know the legitimacy of the website,

but that's where I'm finding this list. I really hope these are true. I've got some good ones. I found a list from WBZ news radio of, uh, baby names that are illegal. So a list of the U S and then a list of ones from around the world. The ones in the U S are fine.

Santa Claus, Messiah, the at symbol, a little a with the circle around it the international ones are fantastic apparently in new zealand it's illegal to name your child chief maximus oh you can't name your kid panties in australia because it's obscene as a synonym for underwear wow in mexico you cannot name your child robocop harry potter is on one of these lists wait i skipped this one apparently in new zealand you cannot name your child sex fruit you can't name your kid sh letters and numerals BRFXXCCXXMNPCCCCLLLMMNPRXVCLMNCKSSQLBB11116. Okay. I've got one here for you. I'm going to post it in the Discord.

You guys can see it for yourselves. The name is everything between the 42 and the colon before New Zealand. That's a great name, though. That's a great name. I don't know why you didn't say it yeah what are you doing so the name for those of you out there listening in new zealand you cannot name your child talula does the hula from hawaii which is a great name at least that one's fun yeah and you know you can go by talula or hula or from yeah i wonder about like you know, how Fanny is like Fanny Mae. It's not a common name or anything, but is a name, I guess, in America, but in the UK or Ireland or wherever.

That means vagina. Yeah. Does it? I thought it meant butt. Uh, pretty sure. That's what we think of it like here as, but no, I do believe it's a, I do believe it's a vagina. I believe it's in certain places.

It is straight up vagina oh dag so most of these names it seems like someone has actually named their kid that and they've been exposed like extreme bullying and stuff a lot of these stories are like well they've worked like the court was like no no more of this so i guess they got made fun of a lot for that which i don't know what parents were expecting sorry i just i read a googling fanny and you know in the u.s there's examples of how it's usually u.s versus like okay get off your fanny and, you know, in the U.S. there's examples of how it's used in the U.S. versus like, OK, get off your fanny and get back to work. That's what it means by buttocks. But in the U.K., the example sentence is this club is full of fanny.

Wow. And I'm sure that's horribly offensive and people don't say that in the U.K., but just like. Yeah, here in the U.S. we just say this club is full of vagina. Well, I am seeing it more specifically might mean vulva uh-huh which is like not the entire driven one of those i have yeah uh yeah yeah you thought you had me you did uh i don't that's this club is full of fanny. Bro. There's so many Volvas in here, bro. I love all the safety features. Fine.

I'm just piling on your Volvo. I was laughing. I was laughing. I was laughing. Wade made the Volvo joke. I played along. I was just trying to. It's fine.

It's fine. What's up with all the fallopian tubes in the house? Bro, last night, four tubes won me. Oh, God. Two per woman, right? I'm removing myself from this discussion. What is up, my fellow urethras? Everyone.

That's very inclusive. That's very inclusive, man. I'm proud of you. Instead of saying, what's up, dudes? Or how's it going guys you can just be like what up urethras bladders in the house say what they really mean to anyone who happens to not have a bladder for medical reasons i guess i don't know how common that is i don't think we're being nice here you know i don't think that this discussion is a positive

i thought we were discussing uh warm welcomings and ways to address large crowds of people inclusively i get the bullying aspect but don't kids bully any like i i got made fun of for my name like what does wade rhyme with most commonly people like wade the maid wade the mermaid no one ever said like wade the spade no i don't think anyone knew what a spade was gotta wait in the shade to bring it back to superstition there's one superstition that i do actually believe in that i just realized is oh beginner's luck okay i 100 believe that is not a superstition because i experience it all the time uh whenever i'm playing a new game i'm always better in the beginning like at first i'm good or if i'm trying to fight like some boss or something i'm good at first and and i think it's like, this goes beyond just superstition.

It's just because when you don't know anything about it, you don't have any hesitancy. You don't like know what not to do. So you just charge forward. Like the majority of the time, not always, not like 90%, but like above 50% of the time, that's all you really need is like just to plow forward with confidence to face most situations.

So I truly believe beginner's luck is good. It's like when like picking teams to win or stocks or whatever, like, you know, stocks specifically, there's like they have a gerbil that tried to pick stocks or trade crypto or whatever, and it did better than hedge fund managers. It didn't know what the hell it was doing. So when you don't know what the hell you're doing,

you have beginner's luck because you don't think you know what not to do. wade when trying to make the bangles win you lost your beginner's luck so i should just find a really young child and tell it to invest all my money for me honestly and i'll be rich that sounds reasonable to me probably better than going to like any hedge fund like pick stocks that you like the names of i think that honestly would work better that kind of makes sense though i mean a lot of brands are more marketable if you like the name i definitely do believe in beginners luck yeah especially as it applies to things where you're where you're winning like games board games anything where

there's rules where you go through the phases because i feel like when you're learning anything get anything that's kind of a game where there's rules and you learn the rules and you learn how to play it there's like phases of you're a beginner you barely understand what's happening so you're just making decisions and then you get into that phase of you kind of know the rules and you learn how to play it there's like phases of you're a beginner you barely understand what's happening so you're just making decisions and then you get into that phase of you kind of know the rules but you don't really know how they apply and situations get complicated and you hesitate and you're not sure and you make the wrong choice and then you you know if you play it long enough you push through that to understanding the rules gaining you know skill and all the way that escalates to like mastery right eventually if you do something and you practice it correctly you could master a thing you master the rules and perfect or close

to perfect beginner's luck absolutely applies to stuff like that for me too does not apply to things like the lottery no pure chance things i've never played the lottery but i always thought like i have that i don't know if anyone else says this i have that thought of like all right it's like it got big right it's like 500 million dollars in the mega jackpot thing or whatever i've never done this before i've been saving all of my luck i'm gonna buy tickets for this one lottery drawing and i have to win right beginner's luck that's how it works spoilers i did not win the lottery when i did that nor did i win it the other time when it got up to like several hundred million or whatever it doesn't work that way maybe it it would work if you had Tyler lay across a chair while wearing a Cincinnati Reds shirt.

Well, you have to be wearing the Cincinnati Reds shirt and drinking your burnt cider. No, the burnt cider was a curse. That was a loss. But now you have to drink the wrong cider because that's what you did. And if you change it now, you're going back and that's never going to work. You have to keep moving forward. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I can't stick with something that doesn't work.

It's an evolution, not a devolution. Devolution? Yeah, I don't know't know yeah the formula was close to perfect i i know what i have to do i'm a somewhat rational person and it scares me how much like sports superstition affects me it's like what to all like the people that are not as rational as i feel like i am like how the fuck do they control giving yourself a lot of credit yeah you're saying a lot about yourself i am one of the best like there is not many out there in fact none better than me you're sitting here claiming to be rational and you're also the guy where mark and i are talking about like tennis and mark is like yeah well it turns out if you cut a tennis ball open it's it's hollow

inside and i'm like wow and you're like no i put my feet in it and it stinks like feet and you're hitting my feet with a tennis racket and i'm like oh no my feet wow that's you that's rational way i have heard that from way yes your voice sounds different but that exact experience has happened way too many times for me to believe you when you say you're totally rational all right now what are you imagining how the foot tennis ball thing would play out now i kind of like the thought of it uh-huh well mark for bringing us back to uh superstitions no no i'm going to give you uh no four more points damn it thank you which you know what wade you were right before i had written down in the notebook i'm keeping in my brain six but it was three that i had given mark for the title so you were in the lead yes until i

just gave mark four points oh now mark is in the lead uh but i think that's gonna bring us to the end of the episode and i'm just gonna do some final tallies um i feel it that's good because i gotta go sneeze and maybe poop oh you can sneeze on command i'll give you some points huh i will turn on every light in my office is going on so i can try to sneeze no don't this is gonna be the one where your brain explodes don't do it do you guys have to sneeze when you random aside when you guys step outside of a vehicle and it's like a sunny day do you have to sneeze i always sneeze like four or five times the sun man sun definitely makes you sneeze yeah don't do that don't do that good okay i must find the sun for sharing such an embarrassing and personal story, Wade, five points. Huh? How many?

Five? Five. What? No. And I think that's it. That's it. That's enough. I win.

Mark has nothing else, no chance for rebuttal. I think I'm happy with the points. I'm running over everything in my mind. And clearly I have a beautiful, perfect, eidetic memory of everything that's just happened. Hey. And if my math is correct, which it's probably not, that means that Wade is our winner. Ah! I'm back, baby!

It's been a drought! which is probably not. That means that Wade is our winner. Ah! I'm back, baby! It's been a drought! But you're all about to have the hostess with the mostest, the besties of the testies. It's me! Bob, you did this. I'm really upset that I liked besties of the testies, but that's very funny.

I'm trying actively not to laugh, but this is very funny. You got me. Damn it. Oh, do you have a speech? Was that your that your speech way or do you want to go longer? I'll see you next episode my fellow urethra You have a loser speech mark that you big sad mark. Yeah, I got feeling I didn't knock on enough wood. I actually my roof is made of ladders you know i want hey no need to worry guru herbert's

here you're not guru herbert who the fuck are you are you sure ah you know guru herbert came over to my house uh he spoke to me at length i i know his voice yeah mark remembers mark remembers. Mark definitely remembers. Get out of here. Get out of here. All right, leaving. See, Guru Herbert would never leave on a house. Shit, you're right.

Oh, God. You thought I left? Oh, God, no. You did this to me. That's what you get for losing. You have a guru now. Thank you so much everyone for listening to this episode of distractible make sure you follow the podcast and you'll know it

happens every monday so you just check it on monday but if you follow you won't have to remember it will be pop up on your phone or wherever and uh you can find mark at markiplier on platforms youtube places you can find wade at lord minion 777 or minion 777 on youtube twitch You can find Wade at LordMinion777 or Minion777 on YouTube and Twitch. You can find me, MySkirm, at Facebook, YouTube places. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. Random shout out here at the end. I believe this episode's airing right around the time

of Mark's 10-year anniversary on YouTube, which is what just started our careers eventually. So congrats on 10 years, Mark. Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you. That's true, isn't it? Yeah, go watch Space. I don't know the exact date, thank you that's true isn't it yeah go watch space i don't know the exact date but i know we're right around it go watch space it actually might be the

day of because april 4th is monday and we release on monday so might be might be or maybe it's next week if not uh it's been out for a week why haven't you seen it yet yeah who knows but that's it knock on wood throw some salt over your shoulder kiss your grandma all those good superstitions that's the end

of this one podcast out