Distractible - That's Stupid, Let's Do It

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

Wade, Bob, and Mark recount memories of painful, embarrassing, ballsy and butt-y moments of stupidity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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What a... FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx. What? FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx, where now meets next. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built in, so you can change the music.

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It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, it's a fantastically festive nutcracker suite as whimsical Wade fondles then bounces on balls. Meandering Mark breaks rule one And goes underground to hammer his nuts Baffled Bob

Buys a busty walrus Explores dark rooms And serenades us with silly skateboard stunts From destroyed dicks To tensioned tumors and anal fisting Yes It's time for That's stupid

Let's do it Now sit back and prepare to be distracted It's time for That's Stupid, Let's Do It. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Colin does on Whose Lines Anyway, but I couldn't think of anything. I'm going to say like near, but not farther. It's Father Wade or something, but it didn't click. I'm your host, Howie, doing tonight. Yeah, something like that, but it didn't come. Anyway, I'm joined by my friends, Mark and Bob. Hey, boys. Why did you say it like that?

Say it like what? That's how he always talks, except every other time he's ever talked. I might not. My friends. Mark and Bob, is that better? Actually, it is better than what the original one I heard was, but good job, buddy. I don't like the thumb appearing.

I know, I understand what that is now. I just don't like it. Sam, you know what to do. Anyone who's not watching the video, you don't get to know what's happening. Why we're so confused and thrown off. Right. As we started to go live with this recording, we were thrown off by Mark's thumb. Uh-huh. Yeah.

It's really weird today. Don't know what to do about it. Going to get it checked out eventually. That's a weird sound bite that people are going to have now. They've got worse. They've gotten much worse at this point. That's true. That's very true.

So what's new in your lives? Oh, yeah. I'll just get mine out of the way. Bob said he had a banger. He might take over the episode. Yeah, whole episode. Yep. As you can see, I have moved.

I'm not in my normal space. That's going to raise a kerfuffle. Okay, hold on. Brickhouse picture frame. So somewhere in Oklahoma. Uh-huh. I'm seeing white paint. So I'm thinking like somewhere in the southwestern region.

Mark, I'm going to figure out exactly where you are and the world will know. All right, cool. But yeah, no, just doing VFX stuff for the movie. So yeah, just more movie stuff as usual. I could talk about lenses some more. How about the sequel to your movie? What's the sequel going to be? Have you filmed it yet?

No, surprisingly, I haven't. Is it a trilogy or is this more of like a cinematic universe where you're going to have like 50 movies a year coming out? Well, no. Short answer. Follow up question. Who's going to play you in the adaptation of the novel of the behind the scenes story that you're going to write about this?

You're going to write a novel about the behind the scenes stuff. I think Mark Ruffalo should play you. I think that's an interesting choice. I don't think it's a good choice. What about Mark Hoppus? He's already got your name and he performs in a band, Blink-182. He plays bass. It's not good that you have to explain who he is. I had no idea. To be fair, if we told Mark Hoppus about Mark, we'd probably have to explain too. So, you know, just saying. Very offensive for him to not know that. But no. Yes.

What was the question? Who plays you? Yeah. Who's going to play you in the screen adaptation of the behind the scenes? It's actually going to be. Oh, man. Who played Cruella DeVille? Meryl Streep.

Yeah. It's going to be Meryl Streep. I was thinking Emma Stone. I thought it was Emma Stone. Emma Stone was. Oh, wait. No.eryl Streep. I was thinking Emma Stone. I thought it was Emma Stone. Emma Stone was... Oh, wait, no, yeah. Was she? I don't even remember.

Emma Stone plays the girl who becomes Cruella DeVille. The main bad guy in that movie, the Emma Stone movie, is the Countess or whatever. Oh, was there a new one where it's like a young Cruella DeVille? The Emma Stone Cruella movie is like the origin story type deal. I see. I see. It's either going to be whoever the Meryl Streep, Emma Stone or Catherine Zeta-Jones is going to play me.

Why Catherine Zeta-Jones? Why not? I get the Cruella connection. You get the Cruella connection? Good. Not many people would. Me among them. Real lore aficionados get it yeah absolutely

we don't need to explain it it'd be just be reiterating it'd be like me talking about lenses again people just know we've hidden clues throughout the three of our playlists over the last 10 years on youtube so if people really go back and re-watch those they'll find what we're talking about specifically the ones that are still monetized those playlists so that's what's going on in my life um you know nothing new yeah pretty boring it sounds like you're really enthusiastic about it like you're not sick of it at all no i i'm happy with it it's just like i've it's the same stuff this is what even wade was talking about when i came in here i was telling him like yeah i mean you know i'm out of town doing movie

stuff and he goes like oh man i thought you were done with that and i go nope it's not out yet but it's the same stuff. There's nothing really new to say. It's just like- Well, and as soon as it comes out, you have to go back to working on the 10th year anniversary edition and all that's like, yeah.

This has been coming out very, for a movie, this has been coming out on a very fast timeline. Movies take a while. Oh, I know it has. It's insanely fast. Okay, but when do we get to Christopher Nolan cut? That's what I want to know.

The Christopher, does he digitally replace me? I, I can't even talk about it because it's like got to get into spoiler territory, but we just had a conversation of like turning every shot into a VFX shot, but I can't say why. That sounds like a really positive place to be after a movie with so much practical filming. Don't, probably don't spoil this thing you've been working on for over a year but is almost out but is not unless you want to hear first breaking news exclusive distractible i bet we could get that fish to come on here and say

breaking news just so that then you can spoil your own movie breaking news uh but yeah that's it anyway bob you're vastly superior small talk okay yes uh i i'm sorry that's all the time we had for small talk i'm just kidding bob you go ahead okay that was well now i don't want to tell the story but i will because i love the listeners and the watchers so you know sometimes uh like people who have shows or youtube channels sell merch we don't do that but uh you know sometimes people do people who have shows or YouTube channels sell merch. We don't do that. But, you know, sometimes people do that. I bought one of those times some merch. There was a YouTuber called Alan Fan, Alan Pan.

Sorry, I didn't say your name right. He aspired to be a MythBuster and like almost was, but they didn't accept him onto the show. He was going to be like one of the like Tory, Belichick. I actually know this story for once i don't know this one you know this story i do yeah but go on i actually know something for once he aspired to be a myth buster and his whole youtube channel is like him making outlandish very myth buster kind of inventions and like lasers and magnetic shoes where you can walk on the ceiling this kind of stuff and he discovered at some point point in the not too distant past that the Mythbusters trademark had expired, like the Discovery Channel or whoever owned it,

like didn't renew it or however that works. And he, for like a couple hundred bucks, I think, got the rights to sell Mythbusters merch. It was like a limited part of the trademark, but he basically did a lot of like T-shirts and a couple things. And, um, one of the shirts, I thought this was very funny and, uh, he got in some trouble and got a cease and desist letter. And I don't know what the resolution was, but I think he had to stop selling it eventually. But I bought one of the shirts, uh, before they were no longer available. And the shirt is called Busty the Walrus. If you remember Jamie, Jamie Heineman was one of the hosts of the show. And he kind of had like a walrus-y look. He always wore a beret. He had like a very big mustache. It's him, his head on a walrus with a huge rack.

That's it. It's funny. I wasn't even sure if I'd wear the shirt in public, but I bought that way the hell a long time ago. And this week I got a notification that my package had been delivered, that my Busty the Walrus shirt was ready for me to enjoy and i was like that's weird i didn't get a package today and i looked at it it's delivered to the house we used to live in before we moved several months ago and i forgot that i had ordered this thing literally more than half a year ago uh so the people who bought our pre who moved into our previous house got a random package delivery of busty the walrus and it says myth busters like like written by a five-year-old really sloppy underneath it i like i wish i had like i don't know hidden cameras or

something i don't that'd be super illegal well i just love to see the reaction of like oh no i got this package it's's for the previous occupants. Oh, no, I wonder what's in it. I hope to God they opened it. And I hope to God they wear my Busty the Wall Wish shirt. But I have low hopes for that. Well, you learned your lesson in the previous house. Like you go to dinner or lunch

with the previous homeowners once a week. You're close to them. That way, if you need to find like any water shutoffs or anything for fridge installations, you can. So they naturally would also be keeping in touch with you as the previous homeowner of their current house. So you should be able to get your package back easy, right? Just over lunch.

They live across the whole country in California. Only technically. Also in every other way, including technically. True. What did you say? All those words. I'm having like a... Listen, don't listen to that, man.

We keep in touch? Is this a thing I told you told you i did no do you remember during bob's fridge where the uh guys working on your house they were all like yeah did you call like the previous homeowner and have them like tell you how to where the shutoff is and you went on this rant about how you yeah you go to lunch with her every week your best buddies because you bought their house ah it was a classic reference to that that episode was recorded a couple years ago now i just want to throw that out there and i do not re-listen to it with any irregularity i've got to be honest but you lived it so you remember like right here's what you actually do what you do is you have started the process right you've started the process of confusion for this family whoever they are you started with

busty heinemann right so now what you need to do is you need to get a cardboard cutout of jamie heinemann attach a rack on that cardboard cutout hide it in the woods outside of their house like in the backyard and then slowly and steadily incorporate more uh like make it so sneak into the house change uh put a dvd in whatever entertainment player that just is a digitally altered version of mythbusters but jamie heineman just has huge tits the whole time like you say i to add boobs to jamie heineman in a mythbusters episode okay if there's one thing i know about ai it's very good about adding boobs to things or buy a sex doll and slowly over the course of time you cut it it up and you build your own Jamie Heineman with Busty. Cut the tits off of a sex doll and put it on a

sex doll that you custom make of Jamie Heineman and place it in their bed, right? And in the attic, you'll slowly, as they're discovering these small things, be slipping in more cutouts of Jamie Heineman with Busty in the attic. Was there an attic? In like a Hey Arnold style shrine, like Helga's shrine to Arnold type deal. Okay. What you do is eventually you've stuffed the attic and you've slowly drip fed. And then they'll look into the crawl space of the attic

and they'll notice some strange fluid and a few hairs drifting down from the corner. And eventually they'll peer their head in. And that's when they see the entire attic is covered head to toe jamie heineman with tits at that moment their doorbell rings they go to answer it you spent your super bunny man money i'll actually get the real jamie heineman a boob job and he's just at their door naked leading up to it you get cameos you order cameos from jamie heineman edit them with ai to have tits, and say, call out their name, wish them happy birthday and Merry Christmas.

And then you get him to announce his new Discovery Channel show, Mythbusties. Ooh. By commercial time, only in their TV, like for their specific targeted ads. You go on Google ads, you target this specific house, and then you replace it. target this specific house and then you'd like replace it by their ip address send them targeted ads and only them change their dns settings so that they get rerouted to my internet yeah this all sounds like it'll be worth it the end cool good idea mark does this end with do i feel like murder the whole family or something when this is all over or what's the no why it just seemed like it was going in a dark direction that was the end that was it oh at some point they'll probably cut their

own head off and float into the treehouse outside if i know my horror movies probably or just get naked and stand in doorways so i thought you were gonna talk more about the guy who bought the trademark i know he was like getting cease and desist and all kinds of stuff. So have you actually got any more updates on what's happened with that? Because what you said is as much as I know at the moment. I don't know him personally. And I believe the last video he posted on the topic, he was like, yeah, lawyers are involved

and I'm not going to talk about it anymore because the lawyers are involved. The merch is available until this date. And then that was it. And I don't know if there's been a resolution. But I imagine whoever owns the other Mythbusters trademarks did not find that as funny as the rest of the people on the internet did maybe next time they'll get their trademarks in order well that's what you get for not remembering to re-up your t-shirt and printed mercantile trademark but whatever it was

i think i just really hope that they wear my shirt i hope you get it i hope you reach out and get it i don't think i'm getting it back. I don't, that's, they're not going to take time. They, they have our info, but that, I don't know if they have our new address. Probably at some point we communicated or sent documents or something, but like, they're not going to do that. They're either going to throw the shirt out or keep it or donate it to the Goodwill. And then maybe someone else can enjoy the Busty the Walrus shirt.

I just want the shirt to be enjoyed. That's like my main concern. That's fair. It's very noble. How many of those are there? Maybe, maybe a couple hundredrus shirt. I just want the shirt to be enjoyed. That's like my main concern. That's fair. It's very noble. How many of those are there? Maybe a couple hundred at most. I don't know. Very valuable, I assume.

I have not personally yet seen a Busty the Walrus shirt. Do you think it was print on demand or did he have to order a bulk order to get them in so he has a garage full of Busty Walrus tees? I don't think he's got extras. I think he took all the orders and then processed them once the ordering window was closed. I think that's how he did it. Never again.

Busty's dead. I'm sorry. But that's a nice segue into our merch, which we don't have. So I'll just go into the topic, I guess. Only got small amounts of time but want big amounts of flavor? Knorr has got you. Our new Knorr rice cups deliver all the taste without the prep or wait time. We're talking yummy, creamy, hearty goodness.

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ideas that we either did anyway or encouraged our friends to do. I think I don't know if I've talked about this or not, but my friend's mom had an exercise ball, one of those big like round balls you can like sit on and like stretch on and stuff. It sat in their family room surrounded by sharp furniture with sharp pointy wood corners and we thought it'd be a good idea to jump off of things to try to land on it balance ourselves and become circus whatever that's called when you balance on a ball circus folk that's it and thankfully none of us died tyler was there he was actually very good at it and never got hurt. Whereas my friend Jared and I always pretty much landed the most painful yet not damaging ways.

Whereas Tyler somehow acrobatically always landed like on his feet and was always fine. Say always. How many times did you circle back to this activity? Just like a weekly thing? I don't know how long it lasted each time. Probably like 15 to 20 minutes, which felt like a much longer time when you're getting rug burn and scraped up and stuff all the time.

But we probably did this at least four or five different occasions before I think we broke the ball. My buddy's mom realized what we were doing and was like, I'm just not going to get another one of those because I don't want you all dying. No, up to that point, no one had noticed the thing. Parents are out in the kitchen or in the other room just hearing you guys just like oh oh you go you go they were doing this stupid thing called work where they trusted us to be responsible teenagers at the house did you see silly billies fall down again oh my goodness that is pretty much everyone's child

just hearing your kids screaming and yelling and then laughing. Hopefully after a period of silence, wherever it was. Did I have I talked about nutball? That sounds familiar. I is that where you sit with your legs spread open and roll a thing? Is that that? Yeah, that is that. I don't know if that was on this show or if that was just elsewhere that we talked about that, though.

I think I've talked about it like maybe three peens, but I think it's been long enough and I haven't told the full story in a while that I could reiterate it here. I did talk about it on Unus Onus, but there's probably people that haven't heard about the mythos of Nutball. That might be where I know it from, actually. So Nutball started out. This is like Kids Are Stupid and Hold My Beer sequel all in one, right? Kids Are Beer, part three. I'm going to name drop. I'm going to name drop the people that were there. started out this is like kids are stupid and hold my beer sequel all in one right kids are beer part

three i'm gonna name drop i'm gonna name drop the people that were there this is drew theal matt house and brandon lechner in my basement bored out of our minds right we're bored or something like that we must have been bored because how else could you come up with this idea we had we didn't have a ball at first it wasn't't a ball. It was this weird, like Dave and Buster's novelty foam hammer. And when I mean hammer, it's like the size of a cell phone. It's got a tiny little hammer head on it, but it's made out of that like shiny, smooth, not leather, like kind of fake leather plastic that I don't think they make anything out of anymore.

Was that dangerous? I think it's just they have stuff that's cheaper or easier to make now or something or it was poisonous probably asbestos based i think it's the type of material that after like even a year it starts to flake and peel it's just asbestos with lead-based paint it starts off-gassing mustard gas once it's out in the open air for more than 12 months uh-huh uh so we we have this hammer and we basically are sitting on the basement you know it's long we're in the finished part not the unfinished part because that's the place of demons and despair we never go there of course and we're sitting across and i think we just start hucking it back and forth and then playfully uh aiming for

each other's testicles uh because you know sack tapping was a thing in that era of junior high. Oh, it was in vogue. Yeah. It's in vogue. You knew you were in with a group if you were participating in the sack touching. No, no, not touching. Tapping. Tapping.

We did it differently in Ohio. The sack fondling, you know, where you just fondle your bro. Sack touching was not in vogue in this time i am not standing by that statement i meant tapping i meant tapping no i we did the tapping version in my area as well so same yes tapping so it quickly became a game where we would we would be like no flinching, come on, you gotta let it go. And for some reason, the rules became like etched in stone. Like, okay, no flinching or else it doesn't count. Whatever counts, I don't know.

So they throw it across the room. The hammerhead was great because it spun when it flew through the air, like Kratos throwing his axe. And eventually, one of us got nailed right in the nuts. But it was foam, so it was okay. You know, it wasn't going to be devastating or hurt, but it was no more than sack tapping. So we started going back and forth and then we start throwing harder.

We start pulling in that thing. And we're all the way across the room, so it's fair, right? Somehow that makes it fair. You're all the way over there, so I got to throw really hard. Well, it's got to be accurate. Yeah, skill-based.

So it's that moment like, you know, we get hit in the face too. Oh, oh get in the eye oh god man i'm lucky you know i mean this can't be going that fast but it feels like a shuriken like and it's that moment where you're just like like because it seems like it's going straight for lefty uh but you know it misses by an inch um and it's not that bad we play it back and forth but you know it can't end there but it does end there for matt brandon and drew but for me the game lived on and i know this is just fuel for people's masochism thing they have about me he still plays to this day he just finds a steep driveway and plays nutball solo. I throw the ball up the

hill and shh shh. Just one last thrill. Mark Crabb walking around at the bottom of a hill like ha ha ha ha ha. Someone walks by a dark alley and they just hear psst hey and they look it's so shrouded in shadows but they see a

bowling ball roll out of the darkness and then I light a flashlight under my chin roll it come on roll it come on don't like that one you open up your like jacket you just have a whole bunch of different balls and things or the mario spiky balls just uh yeah anyway i introduced it to the band mates. I don't know why, but they took to it immediately. Suddenly everyone was playing nutball with not a ball. It was a half-filled Gatorade bottle spun across a linoleum floor because the half-filled made it like spin. You know how people did like the bottle flip challenge?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was like that, but landing perfectly was landing perfectly bottom end straight into the sack of your opponent. That was the equivalent of landing it. Anyway, long story short, the band directors did not like this game, so we had to build an underground ring of nut balls. You had nut club? You had nut club? First rule of nut club, don't talk about nut club oh man that does not sound like it means what i

know it means in this context no no nut club you know we are all shirtless we're all in the the instrument storage room you had to be well groomed no hair to block anything you need to have just pure balls on ball action we We inspected. We inspected beforehand. Actually, we did because we had to make sure people weren't coming in to Nut Club padded up. No, you had to get one free tap on the way in just so someone

can test if you're padded up or not. Drew's wearing sweatpants! Get him out of here! He's got three pairs of jeans on! This really is true. He took steroids to shrink his balls for some reason in my head i i'm like this couldn't have lasted more than a few days but no we came in day after day and there were rules where i was like come on you had to wear one layer it had to be underwear and then shorts or jeans or something equivalent of like that you

couldn't have more than two layers so there had to be time built up to have this i feel like for a little bit there people were excited like you go into the instrument storage room yeah nut club's on you go into the instrument storage room wait have you ever been in the instrument storage room in the high school no in junior high i think there was one in junior high, wasn't there? You ever think about that? That there are places in high school that you have not physically been? Just now, I suppose. I didn't go into the weightlifting room inside the high school inside, not the external one

by the junior high. I didn't even know there was a weight room in the high school until senior year. This is like unlocked a core memory for me. And now I'm curious, am I the only one who made a point of trying to explore parts of like high school or like I did this in college to parts of buildings that I was allowed into, but that I had never been in before? Not like private offices or anything crazy, but like in my high school, I would just if I was there like

after school for a practice or club or something and i would went to the bathroom or i was waiting to get picked up or something i would like wander around and be like oh i've never been down this hallway before and just go look and like oh there's a there's an ox that's where the auxiliary gym is or like oh this is like the back of the library i think i had been in every area in my high school and i was in a lot of places on uc campus that I'm not 100% sure I was allowed or supposed to be in. Yeah. Just because like wandering around,

just to see, like, right? Just like to go into those liminal spaces and just be like, what is in here? I never did that, no. I wanted to do it more at UC, but there are places in the high school that I still have no idea. Like the, there was a photography room.

There's a room for the yearbook people. There's a photo development lab. There was at least in the high school oh yeah the dark room the dark room at my high school was really cool i heard about the rumors of the the girls locker room pillow fights but i never got to see those uh the men's room i did get to smell those not great the men's room pillow fights were obviously better the men's room nutball league but all of the pillows were like uh good old fuck his name tommy hasselhoff are you talking about david hasselhoff yeah are you talking about tomothy shamalan that man who played willie wanka talk more about your experiences oh speaking of not at all not at all speaking of, not at all. Not at all. Speaking of that, did you guys realize that Fruit of the Loom has been gaslighting everyone? I saw that.

What do you mean? Okay, wait. Think of the Fruit of the Loom logo. Describe it. Don't look it up. Don't look it up. It's like a cornucopia with like some different fruits, right? Right.

Yes. Cornucopia. We talked about this on the episode where we talked about the mandela effect and we looked it up and the current the modern fruit of the room fruit of the loom logo no cornucopia it's a pile of fruits and it just says fruit of the loom why did they get it was real though right it was but if you went to the fruit of the loom website they had a history and we i think we brought this up as evidence that it never existed they had a history of the fruit of the Loom website. They had a history. And I think we brought this up as evidence that it never existed. They had a history of the Fruit of the Loom logo. And it said over the years, they've never had a cornucopia. And they actively put out the story that there has never been a cornucopia. And the thing is, I think on that episode was very adamant. Like, I swear, I know,

I know for a fact, but the company was gaslighting everyone that there was no cornucopia why i don't know and they've been doing this for years like even before tiktok existed or like you know i mean it was probably during the era of social media but is there was there just a really successful like knockoff brand who copied fruit of the loom and their fake non-real logo was the one with the cornucopia? Because I can't imagine another reason that the company is straight up just lying and saying they never had a cornucopia in their logo other than they didn't. And that was like some pirate, that was like, you know, knockoff products or something weird. Is that it? Because there's no reason that that makes any sense. It might have been some executive was like a cornucopia. No one's going to know what that is. That's old. No one's going

to care. We need to be modern. We're fruit of the loom. This website, there's a picture of a shirt that has the logo with the cornucopia. And that's how I remember it. It wasn't even that long ago. It was like when I was in high school, which i guess admittedly is getting a longer time ago but that the fruit of loom as a company has been around for many many many years and they say in their history of their logo they didn't have a cornucopia i don't know how far back it went but my entire brain and history says that there's always been a cornucopia 100 there was like that that cannot be a mandela effect that has to be real it's not but it was an imposed one so now we can't trust any of these so-called mandela effects all of them are true that people believe because this is the domino effect that fruit of the loom has created

we can't rely on anything so sinbad was a genie yes okay do you think what happened was mr loom played nutball and was hit so hard his balls just vaporized in order to compensate he took his own logo and ripped out the cornucopia because it reminded him of a sack and it just hurt him to see and he said erase it from all of history so he didn't have to think about it you think nutball caused this was he at our school mr loom yes i i'm gonna confirm this this reminds me of something else completely unrelated i don't know think about it. Do you think Nutball caused this? Was he at our school, Mr. Loom? Yes, I'm going to confirm this. This reminds me of something else completely unrelated. I don't know why, but I feel like I've been talking nonstop. I'm going to say it anyway. What you just said reminded me of this really weird comic that I stumbled across on the internet. I was bored and I found it and then I

read all of it, right? And it was such a bizarre comic and I don't know what it was called. It started off with two robots telling each other a story. Some people probably know what I'm talking about from this moment. The story evolves that it's a bunch of like generations of basically the same dude, but it's not really a resurrection thing. But anyway, at some point in the story, the guy's dick gets shot off and then everything about the story becomes about this guy trying to reclaim and or prove his manliness and or have a child and so he builds this space plane or this supersonic jet that he plugs and controls it by attaching the controls to his non-existent dick and the entire jet is shaped like a dick and then he flies around blowing everyone up but when he got his dick shot off he was riding a horse and there were dinosaurs i think i don't know what was

going on in this story what this comic was where it came from i've never seen it referenced ever again people probably know what i'm talking about that was the first tenth of the comic. And then it goes on and on. And eventually he meets a witch who takes his blood and they have not sex. But then she gets pregnant and he has a boy and he crushes his legs. But the kid can take the pain. He doesn't need legs. And then he floats for some reason, but he needs boots, heavy boots to not float. And that's great because he's super powered. And then he has a kid. And it's like an eternal challenge of seeing who can take the pain. And they keep crushing each other's legs and balls and ripping their dicks off.

And I don't know what. And then, then, spoiler alert, everybody watch out. Turns out at the beginning of that comic, when it was the two robots talking to each other, the one robot, the dumber one was actually the evil son of the dad that was put in a robot body to not remember who he was ruining everything. And then Dick spaceship has to come back. And then it's like a hologram that becomes real and is the dad, the son. I don't know. And then they fight. Does he get his dick back? Hmm.

And he finds out that the real dick was the friends he made along the way. I think, yes, I actually think, yes, I don't know what the name of this is, but someone on the subreddit who had this has unlocked another core memory.

Please talk about this on the subreddit because everything I've said about this comic, I might have some details wrong, but that is exactly what happens. I can't wait to look at the subreddit and see it all being about Dick shot off comic. And it was like 500 chapters. It was, I stayed up all night reading this comic. Oh, the one piece of lost Dick. It went on forever. It was, I stayed up all night reading this comic. Ah, the one piece of lost dick. It went on forever. It went on forever.

I can't explain it. All right, I'm done. What's the topic of the episode? Am I supposed to talk about something? Uh, dumb things that we did or our friends did. Oh yeah, my, uh, I stayed up late reading that comic. That was the dumb thing that I did. What was nutball was your original answer, but we somehow devolved into dick comics it's all dick related anyway nutball my

friend got his balls blasted off and then the band director said we couldn't do that anymore nutball fruit of the loom dick comic it's all part of the plan you know the end of fight club that's how it ended isn't there like an explosion yeah yeah there's there's it turns out they're terrorists or something and it's and there's explosions and that's it gets real crazy it got really crazy nut club was you say i can't i won't i'll laugh i didn't it took me a second to figure out what you wanted me to say, which I'm embarrassed about now, but I, were you, were you going for, it was nuts? Yeah. Um, how many points do I get?

Um, not sure. Uh, Bob, do you have, I don't even know if you've told a story yet, Bob. I can't remember. He hasn't. He hasn't had a chance. I haven't talked yet. I mean, to be fair, I told the busty wal Walrus story, but that wasn't that wasn't part of this.

I did say a little bit ago that like I have another thing that's unrelated, but I've talked a lot. And then there was silence. So I just jumped in. Yeah, well, I was curious what it was. I am glad that we got to hear about the comic thing. I'm curious about that. And I hope the subreddit gives us links and stuff

I want to see it This is not as grandiose As Nut Club But it's painfully stupid So my family was getting ready It was the morning we were getting ready To go on a big Family trip to Disney

This was planned for over a year, long time coming, huge trip. We were like packing the car. As my parents were packing the car, for some reason, I decided that that was the exact moment that I needed to see if I could ride the skateboard down the driveway that I had owned since like my previous birthday, but that I had not one single time ever ridden for any reason. And while my dad is putting all of our belongings into the car, so we're, you know, it's like a long drive down to Florida, getting ready for this thing. I just start, I get the skateboard out and I start trying to skateboard down our driveway and I do what I'm doing. Okay. Uh, you knowumbles but i'm like i'm getting rolling down slowly down the driveway and at some point i'm like yeah i'm killing this

i bet i could do an ollie which is where you which is how you jump on a skateboard it's a it's a specific foot movement basically that you do to get the board up into the air and still be on your feet and i very loosely know how that works in theory. At that point in my life, I had never even tried to do one. I've still never successfully done one. And at that moment, I was like, yeah, 20 hour road trip ahead of us. Now is the time I'm going to do an ollie. I don't even know what an ollie is.

He just said. It's just literally like how you jump into the air on a skateboard. I did explain it in a good amount of detail well okay but i i didn't know if there was like another twist to it a spin no it's just it's the it's the almost the most basic skateboard like it's easier to there are a couple things you can do on a skateboard that are a little bit easier than an ollie but still pretty difficult basically like one of the fundamental things you learn when you're trying to do skateboarding as like like tricks and stuff wait Wait, Sam, please rewind. And as Bob is explaining what an ollie is, zoom in on Wade's

face. I just want to know what was going on. And if you want to, you can just put a little green screen here and just play whatever you want in my head, I suppose. It's a specific foot movement basically that you do to get the board up into the air and still be on your feet. I don't even know what an ollie is. What I was trying to think about, if you want to know now that the moment has passed. Okay. Is I was thinking about an ollie and then I was like, okay, an ollie. And you were explaining that you kick it up in the air.

And I was like, is that where you like flip it? Is that where it spins? Is that where it just goes up? Like I was going through the different things that I could remember from skateboarding. So as I was saying out loud the answer to your question you were just yeah my brain was playing the other options i see i see that's what my brain does sometimes i'm with you i'm with you you know what points for honesty would thank you wait a minute you could pretty much guess what happened because it's it's the it's the it's the disney channel version of what happened i go to do an ollie my back foot comes off the skateboard i do the splits i fall i'm scraping my knees and my

elbows all of me is bleeding and literally like it couldn't it could not have been more perfect like my dad walked out of the garage and was like all right i think it's time to go. And then cue me being like, Oh no. And my dad is just like, okay, get in the car. I mean, we're not, this has been planned.

We're not stopping because you're bleeding. Get in the car. And I did, I got in the car, bloody, bloody knees and everything. And for the whole road trip, sat there just like,

ah, oh God. And my parents were just like, you shouldn't have done that. I mean, maybe you'll learn your lesson, idiot. How old were you when this happened? Oh, you know, middle school. You know, last year. Young teenager. I mean, old enough where I, it's not like I could skateboard and I was just doing something I had done a bunch. It's not like I was even that athletic, right? I played sports, but I was, I was a lineman. I played lineman in football, which is not an easy position, but it's not like an athletic skill position. I did not have nimble

feet. I was not good at catching myself and not falling to the ground. I was like strong and, you know, had good leverage. That does not make you a good skateboarder there was no reason on earth i should have thought oh i could probably just do an ollie except that kids are morons and i was a kid oh that's fair i remember uh the razor scooter i don't know if you guys were part of the razor scooter phenomenon oh dude i had a wheelie bar i had custom low profile wheels i had a grind plate put on mine couldn't grind it even remotely but i had it so when i rode around you could tell i was cool my friend had a um a sidewalk from his door that curved and kind of went down and around and then came to like some like kind of high up steps and then my mom's house there was like this flat patio area then like a little rock wall kind of thing

wasn't high it was like a foot high but like the a little rock wall kind of thing wasn't high it was like a foot high but like the other side of it was more of a drop off and we got braver and braver with the things that we thought we could do with those on our razor scooter because the street was relatively flat we tried like going and grinding sideways on the rock wall and we actually shattered and broke the rock wall it collapsed one time and of course when that happens you don't look cool you fall and you land in the broken rocks and grow and rebel and you have to get up and like crying my friend like rode home on his scooter uh or whenever i was at his house and i tried to ramp off on the blacktop and tried to like spin the thing around while i was in mid

air and it just didn't and then i landed sideways flat on the blacktop and scraped my way down. I had my moments where I thought I was cool and then life humbled me very quickly. You should be glad that you could not successfully do most of a tail whip because the way worse way for that to happen is you jump into the air and try and spin the bottom of it around.

Your feet land on the ground and then the very heavy heavy very sharp edged metal thing it's both of your shins with maximum velocity once they're locked in on the ground with all of your weight holding them steady so it feels like your legs are about to get chopped off by a razor scooter no thankfully i landed sideways and just scraped myself up because if i've also laid this straight on my feet i probably could have like broken my bones and had them pierced through my thighs or something oh 100 100 yeah that's how yeah yeah definitely all right well points for being a real big idiot before road trip this episode is brought to you by tresame once silky smooth hair that's still full of

natural movement the tresame keratin smooth weightless collection is your simple solution this new collection features a wide range of products from nourishing shampoo and conditioner movement? The Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection is your simple solution. This new collection features a wide range of products from nourishing shampoo and conditioner to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish. Wave goodbye to frizz and say hello to three days of smooth hair with the Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless collection. Visit Tresame.com to learn more. I can trace back when I should have known that I had a tumor two years beforehand. So here's the thing. I went to the hospital and they found that I had a tumor when I went in because my appendix was going to explode. So that was the urgency with which I went to the hospital for that, right?

Bob, do you remember freshman year when I would go work out with, I think it was like one of your friends who needed a workout buddy and I went to the gym with him. Almost every single time that I went there, I would end up having this strange physical ailment that occurred. I don't know if I even talked about it when I went back as a freshman in college and as like a fully fledged adult, but just stupid about the world. The concept of going, seeing a medical professional was not something that even occurred to me. Like if I, if I was in pain or hurt it, but like we were invincible back then. It was just like, yeah, it'll, it'll go away. Uh, so if I did a specific back exercise,

this was it. It was any kind of back exercise that had me like extending backwards like kind of flexing my back to raise my torso something like that or twisting to the left right specifically to the left of torso rotation stuff like that I would suddenly feel like my body was going into shock my hands would get tingly I would have to go lay in the back wood I was going to the bathroom I would go in a stall I would have to go lay in the backwood. I was going to the bathroom. I would go in a stall. I would tell the guy I was working out with, like, that's happening again. Go into the bathroom, lay on the floor, shiver, and then it would go away in about like 30 minutes.

God. Perfectly normal exercise. No, that just means you're working out really. I mean, you're doing it right. Stretch, shiver on the floor of the bathroom. We'll come back. Stretch some more. This sounds like an exaggeration this is legitimately the process and bob if you ever like asked if you've ever connected back with that person he would tell you like this was a weekly occurrence it wouldn't happen every workout but it happened a lot uh and it always happened

with that specific workout so after the fifth or sixth time that happened i realized i probably shouldn't do that workout and I'll be fine. And I realized the specific type of tumor that I have is called the ganglioneuroma, which is a nerve tumor. It affects the nervous system right in my adrenal gland. So the tumor was in my adrenal gland. So something about exacerbating the left flexing of that spot would probably press on the tumor causing some like crazy release of either

adrenaline or some kind of hormone or like shock in my adrenal gland that would cause my whole body to kind of go into shock. This was three years prior to me actually discovering that I had a tumor. And you know, the whole time there was these weird occurrences where like suddenly I was just like, oh man, I got to go collapse for a little bit. I remember I was working at that sushi restaurant and I went in one day. I was like, man, I don't think I could work today. My back, it feels like I'm being stabbed in my kidney. Oh, weird.

And that was months prior to me going. If at any point in any one of these times I had gone to a doctor and they had even done the most cursory scan of anything going on, if I'd gotten any kind of scan of my abdomen, they would have found it. But I didn't. So don't be dumb like me. If you have an ailment, see a medical professional. But just think all the other times that you were like, ah, it'll just go away.

It did. And you probably have no other tumors or anything to worry about. Yeah, absolutely. It may not be a tumor. did and you probably have no other tumors or anything to worry about yeah absolutely it may not be a tumor uh but if you end up in the bathroom collapsed on the floor uh for 30 minutes or more at a time maybe when you're that age it's more embarrassing than anything it's like oh god i can't let anyone see me be in a state of mortal panic the toxic male like can't show weakness thing you know yeah i can't even explain why but i feel that too and i i'm not at all like a macho dude in any way the other dudes

weren't allowed to see you be weak like that's just the way it was if that if that had happened when i was in college at that time in life yeah i would have gone to the bathroom and like just waited it out still to this point i've got i need to have the shoulder surgery i've not had the shoulder surgery at the for the slap tear. And like I go to do things like lift a box and like my hand goes numb. My arm just starts aching horribly. And I'm like, I'll just tough it out. I'll be fine.

I'll get the surgery eventually. But like I got I'm busy. I got stuff to do. I can't do it right now. I don't want them to see that I'm struggling. I need the surgery. They'll be like, wait, you should go have surgery. It's like, I'll just shut the fuck up.

I'll get to it eventually. You're going to have a great story in two or three years about why he only has one arm we'll call it adults are stupid instead of kids are stupid adults are stupid it's not the first time i told you guys about how when i was trying to call my ex on the phone and i was on a golf cart my cousin wouldn't stop the golf cart so i was sitting on the back and i was like well if you won't stop i'll just get off and make the call so I got off running the opposite direction what the golf cart was doing took two steps went flying backwards on my tailbone god and then two years later sitting in class all of a sudden I had trouble sitting flat I was sitting on like one cheek I was like man it's really

uncomfortable sitting like normally and then it got to the point where I was excruciating and I started going to doctors and they would like better check in there nope your intestines feel fine and then one day I just bend over look in the mirror and see that I've got a second bloody butthole and it's like that's weird that's what the doctors missed they didn't check second butthole they didn't they didn't see the big

bloody fissure where the bone and hair and everything else was trying to escape from where I'd fractured my tailbone nobody noticed that thing that I'd caused whenever i jumped off of a golf cart probably well doctors don't look that's embarrassing you know they just reach around and feel in there and dude by the third time after there's a doctor i've told the story he had the biggest fingers of any man i ever met i to this day cry remembering his fingers going into my butt. Rather than have that experience, I would so much prefer a doctor to look at all of me.

You can please examine away. Just keep your fingers out unless they are normal human sized hands. Because if your fingers are the size of a gorilla's fist, keep them away from me. I just imagine every time you go to the doctor and the doctor is like all right well let me take a look at you you just get naked all the way and you're like just just look look and don't touch no inside ease i go to the dentist strip down what if there's teeth somewhere else you haven't noticed look you shake their hand and you go nice to meet you oh it's a pleasure.

All right. All right. Yeah, this will work out. There were many times where it was fine. There was one man who I've never forgotten. The fact that he became, I think it's a gastroenterologist, gastro whatever the fuck.

Enterologist. It's cruel unusual that with fingers that size, he went into that profession. Can we talk about this? Can I get an honest answer? Sure. I think we know Wade's answer. i'm just curious i guess pulling and pulling you guys i'm trying to think very carefully i've never had a doctor put anything in my butt for any reason no fingers no butt thermometer no is that normal or abnormal how's your butt mark you get butt

examined a lot not a lot but i've had it. We're getting to the point where we're going to start having to have like prostate exams. Yeah, like I know it's time. It's almost time for prostate exams and stuff, but. I don't think it's normal for that unless you have something going on. Did you have a butt problem, Mark? Why did you get butt tested? After, it was actually after my tumor surgery and also after, I believe. No, I don't uh to check for bleeding it was uh

after the any kind of abdominal surgery they have you on the lookout for uh any kind of like blood in your stool basically this is an unpleasant were so dumb back then i was an adult i don't know what you're talking about no we were kids you're your kids anyway i know that it's going to happen and we don't have to continue talking about it's just curious because it is this one of those things where everyone everyone talks yeah i I mean, it's going to. That's just. Colonoscopies, too. But that's a whole camera. Oh, we're not that old. Yeah, we're staying there.

We're closer to 40 than we are in high school. Are we? Yeah, we are. I hate to tell you, man, but yeah. I hadn't thought about how old I am in a minute. But yeah, no, that's accurate. That's accurate. I'm sorry, Bob.

I hate to be the one to tell you. Listen, I had an idea for an episode that i was going to talk about how we're getting older because it's really catching me off guard but we should we should we could use a part two or three of that i don't know if we've ever actually done the episode what do you know didn't we do it the first time probably the time where i tried to do it and it was a repeat and it turned into the worst piece of shit episode ever but we have to do the episode. We are now older. That's what has to happen.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's in the pipeline. We done got old. I actually have a thing. Mandy ordered a thing for us to use for that exact episode. So that's on the way. It keeps getting delayed in shipping, but like it's supposed to get here in the next couple of weeks.

And that's going to be fun. OK, I guess I'm'm gonna take the time to wrap up here i feel like uh how many points do i get for never having a doctor in my butt oh 30 mark any questions or requests for points from you no i i trust the judgment cool um bob who do you want to win this oh i'm gonna get a green light like that uh I think yeah let's go with me Okay mark preference on who wins this I think that it should be In accordance with the points And if the points happen to favor me

Okay and who should have more points The winner No backtrack Yeah but Bob thinks he should have more points Retract retract retract The person who should have more points is the person Who had more On topic things to say points retract retract retract the person who should have more points is the person who had more on topic things to say retract retract wait retract uh the person yeah i like that no that's

a good way to yeah we should have the most points should have should be the person who talked about the most number of walruses not necessarily But maybe But maybe because maybe I talked I talked about a lot of walruses Did you? I did I did Talked about Jamie Heineman a lot And he's a walrus we all know

It's an equivalent exchange Full metal alchemist you know what I mean You are really struggling to say I deserve more points here Mark I don't know why Is it because you don't believe it? No if I was the winner that had more points No if I had more points here, Mark. I don't know why. Is it because you don't believe it? No, if I was the winner that had more points. No, if I had more points in the scoring, what I'm saying is

I believe that there was a proper scoring system occurring throughout the episode because the judge is of sound mind. Retract, retract. The judge is of mind and sound. You know, I should deduct points, but that's fair. May we approach? May we approach the bench?

May we approach the bench? Of course. I'm having horrible flashbacks, but yeah, by all means. My favorite funny bit. Yeah, you love that bit. That was great. Don't laugh, Your Honor. I think what my opponent's trying to say, Your Honor, is that he thinks

that I should win and he just doesn't. He's too proud to say it out loud, but that's okay. I'll say it. Is this true? No, it's not true at all. So you think you should win? I believe in many things. Great. But belief has nothing to do with the law. That's true.

Kind of. So does the law say you should win? This is a really weak closing argument. I yield the remainder of my time to my opponent out of fairness. I take his time, I will take your time, and I

will use it to craft up more time. It's what time rich people do, which I am, and as is evident here, the person who should, who took the most time in the episode should have the most points, right? Because time is points, as the saying goes.

I've never heard that saying. Unless you're saying time is money and money are points, in which case you're going to offer me money for points. How much money are you willing to pay me for points? How much have I got? Like right now? Hundreds? Thousands? Hundreds of thousands? Billions? money you want to pay me for points how much have i got like uh like right now hundreds thousands hundreds of thousands billions do you do you have money on on on you mark like in your pocket or

see this you seeing this it's money there's a crit no it's a crisp jackson i don't know which one he's on i'm sorry i thought it was the 20 is that a 50 it's a 20 jackson's on the yeah see bob it's not a 20 it's a crisp jackson which is on a 20 oh Jackson's on the... Yeah, see, Bob, it's not a 20. It's a Chris Jackson, which is on a 20. Oh, he's on... Oh, the 20. Okay. Do you guys think that with inflation, the 50 is going to become more common? Yes, I think everyone's going to get rid of their debit and credit cards and go back to

carrying cash. In fact, I think the $1 coin is going to become a lot more valuable here soon. Any day now. Why do you guys not carry cash cash is an important thing to have on you at all time i usually i usually have a small amount of cash but not like like that much maybe or less at all times oh i'm sorry am i flashing my massive stacks of 40 dollars here a little a little i don't even carry a real wallet i carry enough to tip my personal chef or limo driver or valet but you know i don't even carry a real wallet i carry enough to tip my personal chef or limo

driver or valet but you know i don't have enough money to carry 40 around has there been some advanced deflation happening is this is this worth a lot more than i mean it's not nothing i'm not gonna say it's nothing but gas here in cincinnati was 250 the other day mark so it might be gas is like seven dollars i bought gas for a dollar 97 the other day it was with like our kroger discount you know but a dollar 97 a gallon that's fair uh our winner today is bob as the episode winner um it feels really good you know i just want to say even though mark tried to literally bribe you live on camera and i feel like he earned it but your closing argument was just so much better

where you said you should win. Mark absolutely trounced me all up and down the episode. He talked way more than I did. I feel like his stories were better than mine by any measure. He had just had a lot more to contribute, but I earned the win. Win.

Wow, okay. He's really bragging. He's literally begging to get mugged next time he goes down the street. Mark, I will give you one point per dollar you send me. You got Venmo? No. I got Venmo. What?

Why are you showing me cash and asking me about Venmo? I'm trying to bribe you. You guys don't carry cash? Yeah, I'll take your cash. You got Venmo? You have neither? What do you bed mo when you have neither what do you have do you have money no that's why i'm trying to take yours how do you do business he doesn't bob how much for every one of your points wait how many points do i have uh a billion no no

no okay mark i we can say with confidence that i earned at least 30 points because i asked for it and he gave them to me so we'll'll say conservatively, I have 50 points. Yeah, that's fine. Since it's a premium and also it's an episode win, I will give you my points at a rate of, well, let's call it gas. One point equals one gallon of gas. So it's about 275 a point. Thank goodness you're not going with California rates.

Thank goodness. Oh, no, that's right. You live in California. $8 a point a point nope nope nope nope two 275 is that what you said 250 well premium so uh we're looking at probably 391 oh my points aren't premium let's not deceive ourselves but my wins are when i give out a win it is pretty premium i don't know. We'll see, I guess. If I send you, oh man, 140 something dollars right now, I get the win? Yes. Or if you don't want to do that, I will rescind his win and give it to you. If you send me $1,200.

Oh, that's just a good deal right there. I think. I'm not good at math though, so don't trust me. $147 Bob dollars or $1,200 to Wade? It's up to you, Mark. I think he's making his decision right now. Maybe. Could come down to a coin flip.

I don't think I have your contact. I'm not a contact in your phone after all these years? Can't you just send me Apple Cash, Mark? No, his Venmo contact. You wouldn't know about this. I don't have a Venmo. Isn't it attached to my phone number? If you all out there would like to send us money

through Venmo, you can send it to I don't know. I don't know how that works. I don't have it. I'm going to give them their winner and loser speech, but while they're trying to figure out their money, I'm just going to go ahead and say, if you want to look for us, you can find us. Bob at MySquare, Mark at Marketplier. I'm Wade, Minion777 or LordMinion77777 you don't exist

i'm pretty sure we exist you can find us online podcast pause here mark i don't think it's a little grainy no no it'll totally work washers listeners i'm thinking of a number between one and ten uh what do you think it is it's not not working. It was four. The number was four. Mark, loser speech. Turns out I can't bribe even if I wanted to. I really tried. You could mail me a check and then win the next one. Do you accept checks? Or money orders.

Yeah. What is a money order? Or uncut gems. You don't know what a money order is, Mark? No, I actually don't. How does it work? I'm actually not 100% clear. I'm pretty sure you get money orders from the grocery store. I honestly don't how does it work i'm actually not 100 clear i'm pretty sure

you get money orders from like the grocery store i honestly don't know i couldn't tell you you pay the value of a money order and any associated fees when you get it then you send the money order to your intended recipient they take it to their bank or another place that cashes money orders to exchange the money in order for cash so was it it's a check yeah that sounds like a certified check type deal but i think you can take it to places other than a bank to cash it, which is what makes it different than a check. You can take a check to other places too. You can cash a check anywhere that takes checks, I think.

I don't know, man. I just read the description. All right. All right. As the winner of this episode, that this really strong, really funny bit that we did at the end here that really paid off for everybody. I just want to say that this is, it feels good to earn a win the wrong way, to win despite

having definitely less points than my opponent, and to win despite barely even contributing to the episode as a whole. It just feels good to be me, I guess. So congratulations and thank you. Mark, did you say your bit? I can't remember. I zoned out. Uh, yeah, I tried to bribe and it didn't work.

Can you please get more technologically advanced, Wade, so I can bribe you? Uh, yeah, I'll send you my PayPal. Why are you saying it like that? Literally, can't you send Apple money through iMessage? I tried. It didn't work. Whatever. I, whatever, whatever.

I just, I. People have done that for me before. I've gotten Apple cash. I don't even get my loser speech. Bobble host Apple cash. I don't even get my loser speech. I don't even get to talk about my loser speech. Didn't you give your loser speech? Did I just ask if you gave one and you said yeah? I tried.

Which time? I don't even know him. Do you have more to say? No, I don't. Podcast out.