Distractible - The Atrocities of Summer

Episode Date: June 27, 2022

Bob and Wade trade stories about summer injuries, while Mark shares a story about... um, Penis Man? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production. And this week, Bob and his Boston Cream Donuts entices Mark, but Wade admits he thought that they were filled with sailors. Mark explains how containing the spirit of Penis Man would be hard to get a grip on as he may have originated in band camp. Wade waxes lyrical about his grandparents' house and playing human cannonball armadoni in a t-shirt. And Bob admits to being tossed off on a lake. Yes, it's time for the atrocities of summer. Now, sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to another episode of Distractible.

I will be your host, Bob, and I'm joined as always by Mark and Wade. And yes, we just started recording. No warm-ups. No, unless you count all that other stuff we were doing before. No warm-ups. We're jumping right into this. We've been talking for like an hour straight. What do you mean no warm-ups?

No warm-ups. They'll never know. This was private. Listen, we usually hit record on these and then do bullshit around and then and then willis to cut a bunch of garbage out just good stuff only the best today only the best this is like a whole basket of just just boston cream filled donuts wow those are the best kind right i actually had a boston cream for the first time i thought that there's a different type of filled donut that's not jelly that i thought was boston cream and then i actually had a boston cream donut and it was life-changing feels like holy shit this is amazing yeah it is

it's way way better than cream filled yeah it's like a cream cheese frosting kind of filling or something like that sturdy kind of thing yeah it's a whole thing. It was way... I always thought Boston cream was like a euphemism for something else. For what? You know. For what? If you're in Boston, you know.

I'm not. I'm sorry. You guys know. What are people in Boston doing to their donuts, Wade? Expound. They're not doing it to the donut. The donut is part of the euphemism. What does the donut have to do with it then?

They are the figurative donut. Who? So what are people in boston filled with wade expound sorry i like that word well they were filled with uh love and happiness but no more okay they were what are they filled with now what are they filled with now yeah what's the cream i don't know whatever takes the place of it once it leaves you. Air? What? Regret? What are you talking about?

Air and regret. Expound! Expound! Expound! I thought it was a sex thing! That's what you said before! That's not expounding! A penis in vagina.

What about it? Cream is another euphemism for... You just said penis in vagina and then you were uncomfortable saying that cream is a euphemism first oh no that is uncomfortable to say you know what you're right say say say not so easy is it i still don't know what it is guys i still don't know what we're talking about no no one tell mark no one tell mark i'll just go to one of your favorite sites and search boston cream see if something else pops up just google boston cream see if something else pops up just google boston cream donut it'll definitely explain what wade's talking about boston cream donut uh it's a donut god though do you know what the most uncomfortable thing I ever saw on Twitter was. The ship of Thessius?

I'm sorry, did you just mispronounce a word that was said to you, pronounced correctly previously? Did I say Thessius? Yeah, you said Thessius. Oh, damn it. The ship of Thessius. Have you ever heard of the ship of Thessius? Wow. Have you ever heard of the shabbathassius

son listen uh no but the most uncomfortable thing i've ever saw on twitter was it was a tweet from ethan klein of h3h3 um and i'm i'm sorry for everyone that is reminded of this tweet but it really existed which was a gif and he said uh every time ela is ovulating and it was a gif and he said uh every time ila is ovulating and it was a gif of someone filling donuts i think boston cream donuts i'm just like why why why would you do this why and i'm just like ethan just wanted everyone to know he's hitting that and man he has been muted ever since like my god anyway i just wanted to remind everyone else that i had to witness that i wonder how many donuts were bought on that day because of that post probably not many you know i didn't go i didn't look at that and was like boy out here i want a boston cream donut right now why

donuts are part of a healthy breakfast just like eggs it's part of a balanced breakfast okay balanced on a tray on your lap in the bed you can't get out of because you only eat donuts for breakfast yeah um god how did this even get started i have no idea look this is distractible i never even said that if you're new here is a show where i host which means i judge and the other two guys compete to win and the winner is the judge slash host next week the points are literally made up, especially when I'm the host. Mark writes them down.

Wade wrote them down like the last couple of times, which was kind of new territory. It also worked against him somehow. Yeah, I don't know. But it's like, you know, it's all made up. It's all for fun. And that's the whole premise. And also, i don't want

donuts anymore so you solved that problem for me i want more of them that's uh interesting way that's a that's a unique response what about it makes you want more is that the filling what is being inserted expound expound i don't even usually get donuts with filling i get like the chocolate and strawberry with sprinkles on top because I'm three. The what? The what? Those are the ones they keep in there to fill up the shelves because they can't only have the good kinds of donuts.

What's wrong with chocolate and sprinkles? Boo. All right. Well, I guess you can shit on my hopes and dreams. Fuck your dreams. Fuck your dreams. Fuck your nightmare. Well, you know, he said he got the ones that are-

Fuck your donuts. Fuck your sprinkles. I'm going to beat you. Chocolate and strawberry with sprinkles? Well, separate. It's like you can get chocolate that are donuts. Fuck your sprinkles. I'm a beat you. Chocolate and strawberry with sprinkles. Well, separate. It's like you can get chocolate with sprinkles or strawberry sprinkles. Yeah. And then you get like the pink frosting.

Is it like the cake, like the plain donut with the chocolate? Yeah. The cake ones are good. Yeah. I don't always go for cake ones. It's just a donut. They put some icing on top and they put some sprinkles. Okay.

Not boo as aggressively, I i guess but still moderate boo yeah no i get it you could have a bear claw you could have a sour cream donut you could have a boston cream you could have all those other ones and you choose those ones which are what you get when you look and they're out of everything else you all know i'm a plain and simple man i hate to say but i'm on wade's side here i'd love a basic donut you know just like chocolate frosting even just glazed you know sprinkles it's like i'm pretty basic when it comes to that stuff i got nothing against those donuts but that's literally if i'm having donuts and that's the last thing in the box it's like okay sprinkles donut i guess that's fine actually my favorite

donut my favorite donut is a marble frosting which like it sounds fancy but it's just a chocolate frosted donut with a little like vanilla frosting white frosting whatever it is drizzled on top that's stuff that wade gets excited about yeah well i get excited too i was wait i say we team up against this judge quote unquote yeah i agree yeah let's abstain from whoever wins we win together no matter what no skin off my back we lose together make him do this again nobody can win what if i'm just the judge indefinitely and you're losers for the rest of your lives? Well, I guess we're going to get some repeat episodes, right, Mark? High five.

Yeah. Woo. Anyway. You're short. Okay. Why don't you insult Wade, too? Why does this just got to be me, man? You only have one college degree, Wade.

That's accurate. Oh, God. That hurts. I still feel insulted by proxy from that one. No, Wade. That's accurate. Oh, God, that hurts. I still feel insulted by proxy from that one. No, no, that's targeted at Wade. It was directed specifically at Wade. I don't know. Somehow it hit me, too.

I got splash damage from that one. Anyway, are you ready for the news? Yeah, news. It's time for the segment we always do. In a world full of darkness and sin system, all 37 puppies were found alive sometimes a shining beacon of light can shine through the olympic gold medalist sold his medal to buy food for the hungry which was him better than okay this is the greatest good

turned around all right i should have done a scarier one because this news article that I've got in front of me is actually very frightening. Play another sound effect. Play another one. Play a scary one. What do I got here? Here we go! Yes!

Like a fool, I found it. But, some truths are best left undiscovered. I turned around, there was... It was bigger than I could imagine. The hikers claimed that when they turned around, it seemed as though their friend had simply vanished.

When I turned around, my whole farm was gone. I don't believe in ghosts! But when I turned around, I couldn't explain what I was seeing this is morbid mysteries of the missing millennium if you never turn around you'll never find it viewer discretion is advised

I don't know what I gotta change that the name of that one to just like this is don't turn around like that's just gotta be what the name of that says yeah if there's anything we've learned it's that you should absolutely never turn around and look at what's behind you someone taps you on the shoulder you move forward god i made those like

three quarters of a year ago which is a weird way to measure a year i've never done that like 0.75 of one whole year ago yeah weird and i don't i don't think i have the original project file so i just i have to make more i've been wanting to make more of those for so long. Anyway, this story. Arrested Arizona, quote, penis man, unquote, claims there are more penis men like him. In what way is he a penis man? I need to know.

I'm just imagining a dick with arms and legs walking around, maybe with a mustache on like part of the tip it was both a much less frightening and then as you read it much more frightening story than you could possibly imagine okay so many believe that the infamous penis man graffiti artist who tagged dozens of spot in arizona was brought to heavy-handed justice by tempe tempe tempe tempe tempe tempe police on thursday but containing the spirit of penis man will be much harder than anyone would have expected oh no of course so they they basically they this guy said um dustin schumer posted on facebook said he was arrested in his phoenix condo

by a SWAT team a SWAT team broke down his door quote I've they raided my condo and vehicle and swarmed my entire complex in West Phoenix with 25 heavily armed SWAT officers 25 and pointed a silenced assault rifle in my face end quote he was booked on 16 counts of aggravated criminal damage eight counts of criminal damage and one count of criminal trespassing All related incidents where he spray-painted aggravated criminal damage, eight counts of criminal damage, and one count of criminal trespassing. All related incidents where he spray painted Penis Man on various buildings and objects. Is this a word or an image of Penis Man? Just the word. I'm going to show you.

What is the message? I'm going to put a picture in this. This is what got a 25-man SWAT team to bust down this guy's door that's what he did dude the artistry is unbelievable literally doesn't at all look like he did that as he was walking past that wall and didn't stop to focus on what he was doing for even a moment but why what is what is the meaning behind penis man uh-? It's just probably just a guy who wrote penis man on this. It can only be one explanation.

But however, the article asks the important question, is Schumer the penis man? The one that's been tagging spots across the state for two months and captured nationwide attention. Schumer says no, he's just a follower who did a few of the taggings quote i am not the original there are hundreds of copycats with very distinctively different handwriting schumer said that he heard some people in a tempe bar talking about the real seemingly phantom like penis man and got inspired to do some of his own. Quote, I thought it was a good message, but he doesn't seem to be the only penis disciple. As documented by the Twitter account Penis Man Fans, at least one new tag has been spotted since Schumer's arrest. I just imagine

someone walking up to tag a wall and like there's another person already there tagging it. And they're like, this town ain't big enough for the both of us. And they just holster out their penis pins that they're going to raise graffiti on their penis wall. It's like, oh, wait, you're a fellow penis man. Exactly. Are you a follower of the penis? Of course I am. And then they embrace.

What is this? What? Why is there a cult about just the words penis of course i am and then they embrace what is this what why is there a cult about just the words penis man but look the mystery goes deeper than this article explains but there's one final quote that he leaves us with which is quote penis man is neither man nor woman you nor me we are all penis man end What? I have thought that so many times before. Yep. I know. Me too. You ever just been sitting, you know, just sitting in your backyard, looking up at the

cosmos, taking in all of the beautiful satellites and light pollution from the city around you. And you just have that moment where you're like, we are, it's not, it's not me or anyone. It's all of us. We're all penis man. I get it now. We are all penis man. I get it now. We are all dickheads. I get it too. Yes, exactly.

And that is the story of the penis man. May his unjust 25 heavily armed SWAT officer arrest be overturned and all of his counts of aggravated criminal damage be expunged so there's literally nothing else that this he didn't also like commit murder or something not that i see i would have to look up like the court cases or like look up some documents of some kind i'm all for i guess i'm not against in any meaningful way apprehending people who are like vandalizing stuff it's annoying as a business owner if someone wrote penis man on my building i would look and be like huh ah shit now i gotta clean that off yeah there has to be something they're not sharing he tagged like a witness

protection safe house or something like he did something somewhere that was like that's such an unbelievably incorrect response to a guy some some officer comes running in like sir we've narrowed down we found the location of the penis man graffiti guy maniac spray paint man we found him and the guy the captain of the whatever is just like all right fucking mount up everybody grab your rifles and put your silencers on so we won't see us coming. What are you? What is happening? We got a drone strike coming in, sir. Tanks are on the way.

Yeah. Are these guys bored? Is this what happens when the police department has no real crimes? Like, geez. Get the National Guard. Look, man, I don't know, but apparently it struck someone the wrong way on the wrong day. But all I know is that we, by talking about it, will spread the news of the penis man and people listening.

As the original founding members of the Boner cast, I think it's our duty as Bonarians to really see that this message carries on. Yeah, we're kindred, you know, or maybe not members of this specific group or follow this specific tenets, but we're clearly kindred souls. Exactly. Clearly related. What if we find out we were the inspiration for something like this?

Yes, we came up. What if we are the penis man and we didn't even know it? Somehow we did all of this. Oh God. Oh no. One of these penis man messages is just going to have bring back the boner cast underneath and then we're all going to be brought in for questioning and we're going to have no idea why.

Look, I don't want to point fingers, Wade, but you are the one that kicked off with a euphemism for Boston cream pies that had to do with penis. You said penis first on this episode. Uh-huh. Yes, you did it. I went to the dick first. You're right.

You broke the seal or some reference to penises. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think penises have a hymen of sorts look we all know i don't think we need to explain or discuss the message of this i think the message is clear we all understand it we're all you know enlightened people here yeah but i think there's a second more overt message that maybe we're not in on overt to someone else not to us of course this is clearly targeting like the chief of police he did he did something uh-huh or you know someone high up someone in that police department

high enough that they could have you know called in the SWAT and had that many officers out there to apprehend this dude someone knows what they did and penis man serves as a stark reminder of the i'm assuming horrific acts they perpetrated what we gotta do is we gotta go into the archives look up old newspapers of the penis man the phallic man of like the 1600s who terrorized the streets of london way back in the day that's what we gotta find what if it's like a weird like da vinci code standoff of like centuries old like like you know knights of the whatever and it's this this guy's running around spray painting penis man and that all the heads of the police are vaginas and they're like no what we gotta do is we gotta go to the original man

is spreading we gotta go to the declaration of independence and we gotta really look at those signatures because i'm willing to bet if we look close upside down like flip it backwards penis man was there john handcock please i'll bet you the letters p-e-n-i-s-m-a-n appears somewhere in the declaration of independence independence there's already the p and the e and the n and if you put lemon juice on those letters and then cut them out with an exacto knife and glue them onto a sheet of construction paper they spell penis yeah actually i'm not gonna look this up or confirm it or think about any further but i'm willing to bet if you rearrange independence you get penis 100 100 i'm confident about that no question in my mind you're right yes i am thank

you this is some kind of like assassin's creed assassins versus the templars penis man versus the whatever they're called the gynies then the nemesis of the penis man is the vaginies i don't think so i i feel like peni and vgini get along real nice i don't think that they're nemesis they do seem to fit together really well nemesis that is the plural i'm not looking it up but i'm confidently saying that's true i'll give you that one i guess i'll choose my battles here i turn around and the penis man and the vijay and i are getting along all of my nemesi had gathered directly behind me i knew they were there but when when I turned around, they vanished. Well, good news story, Mark.

Thanks, thanks. I feel like I learned something. I have more! Oh, God. That's not right. Hold on. Oh, God. It's that one again. No, God.

Hold on. Why is that still like that? No. Oh, fuck. There we go. God. What did I have? I had enough.

Oh, it's loaded up my old sound bank. God damn it. How's the market? Never mind. It's fine. Oh, what's your news, man? Oh, this was it. Hang on.

I got it. Hold on. This might be extremely loud. Hold on. Oh, my God god please tell me JD Vance porn hunter is coming for your porn what what that's it that's it how, I guess, is the part of the question. It's just a guy that wants to ban porn. I don't really have anything further.

Oh, so he's not only trying to come and take away the porn he thinks I have. He's just trying to... Oh, yeah. I thought he wanted it all for himself. Mm-hmm. Millions of tons of a strange new chemical were discovered in Earth's atmosphere. Uh-oh. KFC Australia forced to swap lettuce for cabbage. Oh, that sounds terrible.

Sir Fapsalot does indeed fap a lot. I'm going to Google Sir Fapsalot. Is that news? I don't know. I just wanted to say something. There's a YouTube channel with 1.47 million subscribers that's called Sir Fapsalot. Oh, well, you're welcome for the shout out sir faps a lot on urban dictionary is defined as that guy you know who's open about fapping tells you when and how and what he faps to and can be really chill but when he gets home he's

got a fap first now right hand food there you go you're welcome everybody was food the what to or the how did yeah wait, wait, what? What? I gotta leave some things up to your imagination. No, well, I guess. I guess. Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

Sir Fapsalot can't reveal all of his secrets. Are you Sir Fapsalot? I'll never tell. This concludes our news broadcast. I don't have an outro. You're definitely my Sir Fapsalot. I don't have an outro. You're definitely my SirFabs a lot. I'll leave it at that. I turned back around and the turnaround was done.

Thanks, thanks. I'll record that for next time. Perfect. Anyway, that segment that we always do in every episode is concluded now. Thank you. And we can move on to the topic that I had prepared, which is, I'm going to say it's a throwback, but not in the way that you might expect from me as the host. I don't think we've talked about this before, but it is just kind of a general discussion

topic, and I will be awarding points in my traditional manner of willy-nilly. As we are getting older. Yeah, I feel like I'm getting older. By that, I mean I'm less young. I didn't say i didn't say the top oh oh sorry go ahead so yeah the topic is summer vacations because it's summer now and maybe not maybe it's summer jobs i don't know summer stuff summer stuff what do people do i did stuff in the summer what did you do uh you want us to answer do you want us to

answer in this in the form of a story i actually did i have a story i almost died once in the summer oh god i yeah i mean it sounds it sounds serious and i guess it kind of was but also it's kind of ridiculous but i was uh i i was a musician in a past life when i was a kid i was a musician i was in a lot of groups i was in band and i was in brass bands and i was in jazz band at school and and i was in the Columbus Youth Jazz Orchestra, which is an audition thing. And I honestly feel like I barely belong there. There were a bunch of really talented musicians and also me in that group. But one summer, the summer between my junior and senior year of high school, I don't know if we got a grant or what exactly happened, but we went on a tour. We went on a tour in Italy.

happened but we went on a tour we went on a tour in italy literally a bunch of high schoolers basically a bunch of like juniors and seniors and maybe a couple sophomores flew to italy and rode around in a bus playing jazz at cool places and one of the places we played was a monastery and it was pretty it was very cool it was in the rolling hills somewhere in the north of italy and we like set up and played the gig and it was super nice we played in the middle courtyard this was like a courtyard in the center of this big monastery building and we like set up and played the gig and it was super nice we played in the middle courtyard this was like a courtyard in the center of this big monastery building and we were packing up and the courtyard had this stupid wall around it right and we we had to like carry everything by hand down to the buses and it took a long time and the wall only had one cut out so like there were people who had watched us play who were milling around doing whatever and we were just

trying to get our crap onto the bus so we could head out and go get some dinner, whatever. And I was like carrying stuff, waiting for people, took forever to go back and forth through this one little hole in the wall. And I had this idea. I was like, what if I just jump over the wall? I'm a young lad. It's maybe a knee high wall.

It's like a stone wall, super old. This monastery was centuries old. I don't know. I didn't know any details about it. It was just an old, old monastery that was now like a stone wall super old this monastery was centuries old i don't know i didn't know any details about it it's just an old old monastery that was now like a vineyard or something and i was like i can hop this it's so low and uh i couldn't and it didn't go well i'm just gonna cut right to it i tried to hop over while carrying my trombone and i literally was like a couple inches short i did that thing where i tried to like hop one leg up and over my toe hit the front of the wall and instead of just like falling down and like oh haha you know idiot i fell shin first right onto the centuries old very like eroded and and

jagged uh rock stone wall thing and i fell literally onto the point of the pointiest little piece of shit on the wall and it stabbed through my shin through my pants through my shin all the way down to bone oh yuck there was a hole it wasn't like a cut there was a hole like someone had taken a little like sample coring thing where you core dirt out of the ground oh no don't describe it like that poured a hole out of my shin you could see bone oh and it was a solid half inch around oh wow and so and so i had pants on i had long pants on so i've i didn't know this at first but i did this i tripped and fell and fell on my leg and then kind of fell over and everyone was like ha ha and i was like god fucking ow shoot

and stood up and i thought i was totally fine and then i looked down and my entire pant leg was just blood red like immediately soaked with blood not like oh no i'm bleeding like i i looked down and thought for a second it was like oh and then felt immediately like oh lightheaded like losing too much blood going to pass out. Oh, no. I slumped down against the wall and I'm just sort of like, hey, blood, guys, blood. Just a reminder of the setting.

This is centuries old, you know, a couple hundred years old monastery in the middle of the hills. We're not in a city. We're not near a hospital or anything. It's a bunch of high school kids and our band leader and his girlfriend at the time who was like a nurse i think she had she did something medical i don't remember what she may have been like an x-ray tech or a nurse i'm not 100 clear don't remember she was kind of there as like our you know medical person but she didn't have stuff with her like she was just hanging out but we're at it's this

place it's a monastery i keep saying it's a monastery there were i don't know why they were there there were some kind of nuns there there were some kind of i don't know if they were caretakers medical nuns but like i'm on the leg look at that what are that kind of like she didn't have any you know she had like band-aids or something and i was like that's more than a band-aid probably and she eventually after a minute where i'm kind of woozy and i feel like i'm gonna pass out she looks around and and gets the attention of one of like the the caretaker nun women who was there. And they speak mostly Italian, but she sort of got her and was like, look, blood.

And the lady was like, oh, and all the nuns burst into a flurry of action. And it was like nuns getting sheets, nuns getting clean towels, nuns getting buckets of water. And they all run around and come over. And I don't know why they blew a whistle before this. Like they all run around and come over and i please tell me they blew a whistle before this like they all took one i they might as well have the one that came over and looked at my she kind of came over very calmly and i was like what what do you want and then looked and saw my leg and was like ha and just gathered the forces and at this point i sincerely was very close to passing out like it was a lot of blood i left

a big puddle on the ground where i sat why don't you just walk it off i mean that's essentially what i did the nuns all gathered around and they found a bucket of water and and eventually it was they had like kind of tourniqueted it and bandaged it and i was it was as good as it was gonna get and everyone was like well let's get on the bus, I guess. I hope you stop bleeding. And I was just, the bus ride home is a blur of me sitting in a seat and then the nurse being like, hey, don't die. Wake up. Hey.

And me being like, I'm not dead. I'm not dead. I'm just, yeah. I'm good. I'm good. Did you? Did you die, though? I don't think I did.

Okay, that's good. I don't remember for sure, but I don't think I did did you don't think that all of this right now is a fever dream as you're slowly Bleeding out in a monastery dude. What if what if this is my test whether I get into the good place or the bad place right? Now you're going to the bad place if this is your Although all the nuns when they saw you just like Jesus fucking All the nuns when they saw you were just like, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! GOOD FUCKING GOD! HOLY SHIT!

Kinda. YOU SAIN- But in Italian, you know. It's all good. If only Ethan was here. Lay Jesus fucking Christ. Lay Jesus! Lay Jesus.

I don't know Italian. Yeah, that's clear. I don't know if you fooled someone out there, but I kinda got that. I just wanna put a disclaimer fooled someone out there, but I kind of got that. I just want to put a disclaimer in case I did. That one person that believed that that was Italian, it was not. Super Mario, is that you? It's Lemmy.

The government of Italy was about to call you up right now to hire you for something, but good thing you said that. The government needs a translator, guys. I got to go. Your password is about to arrive in the mail any minute now i'm sure of it you're just invited in i'm gonna be teaching italian at the local school anyway i didn't die but my the treatment was essentially keep that shit keep band-aids on it and let's keep playing music and stuff i thought you're gonna say keep that shit inside your body

blood's supposed to go in your body moron come on numbskull we took the bus back to the hotel and like the our nurse woman went down to the desk it was like hey do you have a band-aid el band-aidos sir because she spoke a little bit of italian ah my favorite italian she got like some band-aids and was like here's five band-aids use them sparingly and i just kept i was fine i guess i drank some juice or whatever uh and i survived my summer trip to italy where we were essentially a bunch of high schoolers wandering around italy by ourselves oh that was nice on that trip we we didn't play a gig in venice but we had like a couple days off and one of the days all the high school kids were like there's a train that goes from where we're staying straight to venice we should catch the train and spend the day in venice and we went and talked to the band leader and he

was like i'm not fucking get out of here it's the day off leave me alone he was actually pretty chill but he was essentially like do what you want kids have fun so a bunch of high schoolers took a train couple hours to venice and then wandering around the streets of it's a miracle i'm alive basically yeah yeah um yeah it seems like that would mostly end in death especially the way you described a borehole into your leg oh it's fine i still have a huge dent the skin healed over but none of that meaty stuff inside came back so there's basically just a part of my shin that's skin over the bone and that's it yeah no it's not cool it's not my favorite i had something kind of similar not not the same exact situation but uh five points for me sorry

i don't know if this counts as summer vacation. I was over at my grandparents' house and it was summer. But I had a friend... Here's the map layout, okay? My grandparents' house is like three quarters of the way down this street. It's like a normal-sized street. Not particularly long or short, but whatever. And then I had a friend who lived in the same neighborhood. But they were like, let's see, one, two...

And that kind of like curves around. Three, like four or five streets away. Okay, I had to do the... It was a bit of a hike. Oh my God. Okay. Your map descriptions are just perfection. I'm right there with you.

All right. You go, you go down the street. You turn left. Okay. You go around a curve a bit. Then you turn right. You go past two other streets. Then you turn left down another street and his house is on the left.

All right. You got that? All right. I'm with with you i'm at his house what are we doing great well unfortunately i never got there so here's what happened uh it was a particularly rainy uh summer's day and this is back before we all had cell phones like before it was normal for everyone to have a cell phone so you either had to call them on the house phone or it was like somewhat normal. You could just, if you wanted to go hang out with your friend, you went to their house and knocked on their door to see if they were home. That was relatively normal, which sounds really weird now,

but that was the thing. It was weird. So I decided to do that. I was like, you know, I'm sure he's probably home. I'm just going to hop on my bike right over to his house. If he's there, if he's not, whatever. I'll just ride back and I'll get a bike ride out of it. And on this rainy day, I get on this bike and i go down the street make my first left go this this was a

little bit of a longer road go around the curve get all the way to the next street as i'm getting ready to turn right onto that street there's a car coming and it's kind of driving like it looks like more in the middle of the road so i'm like okay well i need to stop and wait for them to turn then i'll go and i go to stop and my brakes don't work the bike just does the brakes on the bike do not work did it did it actually speed up on you no no it didn't speed up it does well maybe you know for the sake of the story and whatever animation may come of this one day yes it sped up yeah that's the stuff it was down a really steep hill oh it was a flat road if anything i was going uphill yeah, the bike sped up instead. Someone changed out the wiring. His description

of the neighborhood, just a lot of down hills everywhere you go. Everything's a hill. It's all uphill. I walked to school and it was downhill both ways. Super easy. No, it's opposite. You go to my friend's house, it's uphill. You go back, it's uphill. I just stood on my scooter and it just

took me there. I didn't do anything. I turned around turned around there was another hill you kids have it so hard all right so this car is coming and i can't stop and they don't realize that so they get to the stop sign they kind of blow through it a little bit and they just turn so now i'm either going to ride my bike into their car or i have to turn at full speed. I try that full speed. I turn my wheel a lot sharper than I probably should. And on a bike, it's not a very good idea to turn your wheel very sharply whenever you're going full speed. Cause what happens is all of a sudden your momentum is hitting the wheel. The front wheel is just facing the wrong way. And the bike doesn't keep going and sliding on that wheel the back wheel then lifts up and throws you off the front of the bike I didn't have a helmet I didn't have any kind

of pads on I was wearing a t-shirt and some shorts and I very much regretted that because what happened was I got launched off the bike it felt like I was in the air for a while I mean it was probably all really fast but in that moment it felt like I was in the air for a while looking down at the pavement trying to look up and see the car panicking putting my arms out trying to stop myself and i didn't succeed at any of those things because what hit first was my head my face rather and my left shoulder hit the pavement and then just bounced and skidded the car didn't stop they didn't even see if i was all right they just kept going they were like oh that guy's dead we're out we didn't do it and i'm halfway between my' house and my friend's house.

And I get up off the pavement because at first I don't feel anything, right? There's like that moment of shock where like you don't feel pain or anything. You're just like, oh my God, I'm alive. And I go to look at my bike and the seat has broken off of it for whatever happened to the bike after I got launched off. The seat is broken off. You clenched so hard. You took it with you.

I guess it was wet still between my cheeks i couldn't find it it was just launched into my butthole is that why you had to get that surgery later in life i always wondered what a seedectomy was yeah three tailbone surgeries and a seedectomy following that accident wow i went to pull out my cell phone but uh this was before we had cell phones so that thought never even crossed my mind no walkie talkie no nothing i'm just in between the two houses on a rainy day probably about half a mile from either house maybe a little bit less than that but pretty close to half a mile or so okay five minute walk yeah uh well i was a little bit beat up and i thought i lost my left eye in that moment uh i was bleeding so much from my left eyebrow that my eye i could only see like red

and like whatever haziness and it didn't cross my mind that that was seeing something i just i thought that i'd lost my left eye and i looked down and from what i could see out of my right eye on my left shoulder uh my shirt had ripped open on my left shoulder and i also had i believe some bone exposed on my left shoulder from where it scraped against the pavement so furiously because that's what hit the hardest and I dragged on the ground on. And the rest of me, my chest scraped. I'm just, I'm bloody and torn up everywhere. And I look at the bike, no seat. And I know that I've got to either walk or ride somewhere because there's just nowhere, there's no help. I'm not going to go knock on a stranger's door because that's just not something you do, apparently, even whenever you're dying. you probably could have done that yeah you could have done that

i probably could have but that thought didn't cross my mind i think i was around uh 12 years old uh at this time i don't know why but my brain was like you said it already around halfway come on no no i was about 12 years old so the decision i made was i'm gonna get on my bike i don't know if my friend's home but i know my grandparents are home so i'm gonna just I'm going to get on my bike. I don't know if my friend's home, but I know my grandparents are home. So I'm going to just ride back. So I get on the bike holding the seat in one hand standing because I can't sit. And I pedal back to the house, bleeding profusely in tons of pain, thinking I've lost an eye. My left arm is numb and I get back to the house and I'm just all I can think about is my eye.

And I get back to the house and my grandma's like, oh, is that you? And I don't answer. I just walk in, go up the stairs. They looked like a tri-level. So I went up like the stairs to the bathroom and I turned on the light and looked in the mirror and I just started crying. And my grandma came up and she's like, oh my God, what happened? And ultimately I had to give stitches in my, uh, my eyebrow. I did not in fact lose my eye, spoiler alert.

And my shoulder, I don't remember what they ended up doing to my shoulder, but it healed up. I still have a spot on it where there's like no nerves or no feeling like i can just do whatever this one point on my shoulder and i don't really feel anything but uh yeah helmets smart walkie talkie cell phone might save a life uh don't don't do that thing well goddamn yeah that's uh that sounds really painful i hate uh asphalt grinding on human skin that doesn't sound good having to get on the bike and pedal home was such like a i have no choice i have to do this moment i don't know this qualifies as summer vacation but uh i don't know your your story made me think sorry bless you sir bless you there you go i feel like kids a lot of kids have that i don't know

anymore but i definitely have stories in that state not quite as crazy with the flipping and stuff but i have one where i went over my handlebars and banged up my one of my shoulders pretty good and things where i like laid my bike down because it was wet or i was doing something stupid and you're you're like far from home and you stand up and you're like oh no i guess i gotta walk home and you have that like long walk where you know people are looking and they're like oh his knee's all bloody what happened yeah i definitely have some i have one of those as an adult do you guys remember the last pop con we went to in indianapolis i don't even know if you guys were there it might have i think you might have been there wayne we all went to one in like 2015 then you and i went to one in 2016 i think it was the one that it was just you and

well you and me and a bunch of other people mark didn't make it yeah i i hard bailed on going to that the day i got to indianapolis for that i like checked into my hotel and i was like i'm gonna want like some drinks in my room right i'm gonna want i don't know some water or something to stick in the mini fridge and i was like i got time there's nothing going on today it's like you know travel day i'm gonna walk down to uh cS or something and buy, buy some snacks and some drinks and just walk back real quick. And I don't know why, but I was walking back with a bag full of food and cans of drinks. And I just, at the exact wrong moment, some guy was like, Hey, you have the time, which it's check your phone. Like it's 20, you know know it was like 2016 at the time it wasn't like

we all had pocket watches and his had run out of wine don't you have cell phones yeah don't you don't you don't you guys have phones but right at the wrong moment he was like do you have the time and i looked at my watch and stepped there was like a cutout for a driveway and i stepped down off of that and i ate shit into the street i didn't fall like on the sidewalk i fell sideways out into traffic and my bag of goods of cans of things exploded across the road and like you know how cans when they hit the ground they're kind of all pretty good like i was this i was this idiot where a dozen people were like oh are you are you okay, clumsy guy? I had to be like, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

But I fucked up my whole arm. I spent this whole weekend, like, you know, meeting, doing meetups and things that you do at conventions with like huge bandages all up my arm and being super sore. And it was awesome. Then I had to pick my trash up out of the street,

walk back to my hotel in sadness. I didn't even have any drinks because they all exploded i i just didn't know that this was the horrifying injury episode where we talk about all the terrible things that have happened to us it's a summer vacation mark hey summer vacations when you get hurt man it's when stuff happens dude what happened to you guys at summer i i didn't even like have that many extravagant summer vacations but i feel like mine was normal i just want to update everyone after mark's new segment and wade's wade's story uh wade's sitting at a plus two differential cool on the scorecard good good good as we traditionally keep it but yeah no you've never hurt yourself on something

i probably have been hurt you know biking or fell out of a tree or something no honestly none of that uh i can't remember ever falling out of a tree and significantly hurting myself i mean i've fallen out of a tree sure um but i don't remember like biking and hurting myself no i i kind of stayed on my bike and stayed in the trees but my whole my one experience in summer that's like a typical summer thing is i went to summer band camp um and i know any time you say band camp they think of that one movie what was the movie american pie allison hannigan in american pie yes yes with the flute and the what was it called wade what was it a pie it's in the title mark yeah wait i'm not sure where you get that mark in some no no you know what she said about

in the band camp the quote the movie flute and the you know i'm snapping wade the dick in the pie wade i'm snapping that one time at band camp that's the thing is that what you were waiting for i thought you were looking for i didn't know what you were looking for they were looking for an instrument that's what i was waiting for he didn't actually say the thing but he was mentioning early in the episode all these penises and vaginas that was like his bit i was trying to prompt him up for something oh i thought that was this episode we've been on injuries for so long i forgot all about penis yeah you can never forget about the penis i i think i've mentioned uh this band camp before with uh the the date store i don't know if that's ever actually

been an episode but i've talked about it but I've never talked about the experience as a whole. I went to Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp, which is a camp up in Michigan. It is predominantly about band and like instruments. I played trumpet at the time. I want to I want to make a disclaimer to any parent that is thinking of sending their kid to this camp. I remember exactly 0% of any of the music that occurred doing that. It was like the vast majority of my time at that camp was just the awkward, like you're in the midst of puberty, but no one knows what the fuck is going on. You're suddenly in a camp where you're away from your parents. I'm not saying it's rampaging, like some kind of horrible sex thing. It's like just a bunch of hormonal, like basically kids that don't know what the fuck they're doing doing but everyone is bragging about all

the things that they have done and imagine a bunch of kids who don't know what the fuck they're talking about trying to like brag about oh yeah no i've had the sex oh yeah no my dick is oh huge i remember this quote from this one guy in my in my in my uh cabin that he would not stop saying in this exact inflection yeah my dick's eight inches around and it's just like that was like the thing he said all the fabled pancake dick yeah and it was just like it was just it's exactly that the most obnoxious possible cesspool of nothingness where also we played instruments sometime there was nothing that occurred there that furthered my education in terms of being able to play trumpet more all i got from there was lower and lower self-confidence about myself like steadily weird steadily crushing

my own thoughts of where i stood in the world and in life and and it culminates with that dance quote unquote that was organized for like towards the end of the camp where the the the kids who were there we were paired off into like dates where camp counselors would go around like you and you and you and you your dates you're gonna be at the dance and then nothing hurt more in my life at that moment not even my parents divorce hurt more when the girl i was paired with came up to me afterward and said with a friend was like oh she doesn't want to go to the dance with you and at no point did i even want to go to the dance in the first place but now i was crushed more than i've ever been crushed emotionally in my life

i had never experienced such pain that is what i took from blue lake fine arts camp i'm sure it's a fantastic institution but i think the whole concept of just sending your kids off into the woods which this was just in the woods go play your instruments among the trees it's good for you go go i can honestly say uh terrible experience terrible terrible isn't that kind of what camp is supposed to be for like high school kids though i wasn't in high school terrible i was in junior high oh whatever i was in seventh grade are arbitrary and meaningless i was in seventh grade adolescent either way you were fully mentally developed and ready to handle trauma like that that's not trauma some dirt on it you'll be fine so like maybe this wasn't your experience at school i guess and it's longer and more tempered

at school than it is over the summer uh What you're describing sounds like normal middle school, high school experience to me too. Like, no, absolutely. It's normal, but it's just concentrated at the sleep away camp. That's what I'm saying. But also that was my first experience with that kind of thing. This was like, I think I was exactly like 12 or 13, maybe 12 at the time. So I was just like brick wall of puberty and puberty just like fucking sucks across

the board uh and then suddenly i'm thrust into a camp with no one that i know exactly zero people that i know pimples are exploding out of my face like just hair is gushing nowhere because i'm not a very hairy man um but it's happening and it And it could be anywhere lurking around. And it was right behind me. Yeah. So it's like that was my first experience in terms of like these new social dynamics, other than just being kids playing in school or whatever. And it's just like all of a sudden you have to experience all this. And there's all these other kids that are bragging about how much of the sex they've done and yada yada. it's all lies but you don't know that at the time because you're just a kid and you're like how far behind am i and anyway it's a it's a nightmare it was a nightmare

but anyway good times good times fond memories of my summer camps including band camp i don't i don't you think penis man originated a band camp i think maybe you're right probably so here look this is the kind of stories that i have from then this was high school band camp i will say but it's really stupid now and i'm a little afraid i damaged some nerves in my sinuses or possibly gave myself brain damage how many nerves did you guys do i thought i was the injury based one. So we we used to in a band camp for my high school. Marchie Mann was like away.

We used to go to a camp in southern Ohio. There's like in the woods. I forget where exactly. It was somewhere south of Ohio. It's like a couple hours away from where we were in Columbus. And every morning you wake up, you go to the like cafeteria area and they would serve breakfast pretty early. You get going, I don't know cafeteria area and they would serve breakfast pretty early you get going i don't know 7 or 7 30 or something pretty early and they would before breakfast one

of the parents because parents would volunteer to help out would go around with like a big jug like the old jug of hand sanitizer right one of those like industrial size ones where you squirt it out and it's like five days worth of hand sanitizer squirts at once we used to get there in the morning and everyone be half asleep because we were high school boys and we were all my buddies we all sit around the same table the parent would come with that we'd all hold it in the palm of our hand until all of us had the alcohol then we would all like make eye contact and do like a ready you know like silently just be like okay and then quickly you rub it between your hands and then you hold your hands over your nose and mouth and breathe in deeply and we called that band camp coffee That's the kind of shit that we did at summer camp. So it's a bunch of boys just be like

Yeah Breathing in alcohol fumes all right that's the kind of dumb shit that we did those are the memories i have from summer camp what why didn't you how you gotta you gotta make gotta get buddies no not friends not friends okay not friends no buddies i got in my first fight at blue lake trying to defend mario who was in my cabin, from these other kids who, for some reason, really wanted to beat him up. So I had to hold the door closed so they couldn't get into my cabin. And I'm very proud because, like I said, puberty hits like a truck.

I happened to get my muscles at this time. So I was like, I can hold this door because these two kids, I'm so strong. But also- Your penis is eight inches around right now it's so around eight times turned around eight times and but it was just like man yeah it wasn't really a fight it was more of like shoving and then mario ran in the cabin and i went in after him and i held the door closed and mario was like hiding and not helping me so it's like wow and then i was friends with mario and then mario was a nerd

no one liked mario and then i was the nerd i thought you were gonna say that you beat him up for not helping you sounds like fun that was not that's what did you not listen to my story i'm glad you had a good time at summer camp oh man i wish i'd got to go to band camp after listening to that story don't worry son we'll send you back next year it was also a thing where i flubbed my audition to get placed in the uh the orchestra for or not orchestra whatever but like the band for that uh camp and so i was second chair but i flubbed it really bad and it was super embarrassing because it's an audition not an enclosed room you're out in the woods everyone can hear you fuck up so i fucked up really loud with a trumpet and it was super embarrassing

because i couldn't hit you know a high c and i was just like i could do it i i can't i've done a million times for some reason super nervous and then the that that like set the tone for my entire time there because i started off with this embarrassment of like oh god i'm not that good and then the the band teacher leader what do you call him not composer the band director band director that's it really hated me because for some reason, the person who was first chair said that I was better than them. I don't know if that was true or not, but they know I flubbed my audition. So they let me do all the solos. And so every time I would do the solo, the band director would like look over because they would mess it up a lot, the person who was

first chair. So they let me do it. And then whenever I would do it and I would do it well, the band director would like be, you know, conducting over on the right side and i'm over on the left would turn over and be like oh good and then see that i was playing and then all of a sudden the smile on her face would go frown and then oh it's you and then turn away and then i'd be like oh man oh come on before you said her i was imagining like the band director is like a council of ricks and you were like a mark morty trying to play trumpet i don't know why that was the imagery i had but i thought i would share that with you i don't watch adventure time i don't like it that's fair got him i just imagined that you were at your audition you ate shit and messed it up and the band director is just like there's a couple of

them sitting there and one of them to the other is like, I bet his penis is barely two inches around. One and a half inches probably. Did you hear that? I like to imagine that the currency of that camp is dick size for the men. I don't know what it is for the ladies, but probably not dick size. No, same thing. I don't like that. That's a bad image.

Yep. What have you done, Mark. That's a bad image. Yep. What are you doing, Mark? That was Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp. Well, did you have any summers that you liked? Because you're still sitting at a minus one after the points for that story, Mark. Not really. It was a summer where my dad... No summer was good for you? I mean, I don't really do anything.

You guys had horrible injuries. You're telling me that your summers were good? Yeah, it was the best summers of my life. For the best of times. You're out there, you're goofing around with your friends, you're snorting alcohol fumes from hand sanitizer. It's great. The best of times.

I remember going on like this long-ass car drive with my dad to go see this person that he was dating. She's a bitch. I don't care. I think she might be dead and that's probably good um so like this 10 points it's okay honestly i couldn't i couldn't give two shits about this human and yeah and you'll find out why partially in this story and it's just we went down long history because they lived in arizona and so that was a fucking drive from ohio to arizona you drove to arizona from ohio absolutely and then we went there to visit this person and then we uh go back and for some reason i don't know they hit it off which is fine i'm a kid you know parents divorce my dad's dating again it's like whatever it doesn't

mean anything to me because i don't even know what it means but they're they're terrible this is the person that i i shot in the face with the uh little uh suction cup plunger thing uh because i hated them and uh what happened was they broke up evidentially because she was awful and after the breakup at some point the all this is the only thing i remember about this being we drove down for there's a first time we introduced to this person and then after they broke up let's say it's the end of summer. I don't know. To keep it summer topical. Sure, sure.

She apparently drove up with her son and stole my dad's car and drove it back to Arizona. That's not a good thing to do. Nope. Yeah. And it was just one of those things where I think my dad, you know, obviously called police reported and they were just like, well, we're not going to do anything. They're standing in the driveway and the cops like, and it was a, you said it was a red and a gay as a red, a red pine and the cops like, all right, well, she's gone.

Have a good one. Looks like she got away with it. Thanks for your investigative work. Sir, normally we'd help you, but Arizona's kind of hot. Arizona's kind of hot. It's the dead end of summer, sir. And you think we're going to go traipsing around out in the heat? Just because you don't have a car anymore?

Jeez, this guy. Maybe you should go drive down there. Oh. Maybe you should take a bus, you hippie. Doesn't even have a car. You said this happened earlier today, not right now, right? Yeah, it happened earlier today. Ah, statute of limitations and all. Nothing we can do.

Perfect crime. I don't even think she's made it back to arizona well too fast for us to catch up to she's right there at the mcdonald's down the street i could see her from here like ah sounds like it was a morning crime i'm kind of an afternoon shit guy well that's it it's this is just my work you know i i don't work i don't live to work i work to live you know what i mean so i'll just write this up for you and then uh yeah i'll never hear about this again that's fine yep and that is uh that is the the other summer story i got and those are all all the two summer stories the only things that have ever happened in summer yeah but you got it man is anything good, even small? Did you ever get an extra nugget in your order

or something or I don't know? Nope. Did you ever find a nickel on the sidewalk? Never. Has anything good ever happened to you any time of any year? Ever? Never.

All right. Wow. Not in the summer anyway, not in the summer. And today's a summer topical thing, so I can't. If I have to visualize your summers, it's the Council of Ricks and you as a Morty trying to play trumpet. It's you with really beefy arms, but like tiny, like child body trying to hold this door back as ravenous rabid band bullies are trying to get in to get after Mario.

Huge dicked bullies are trying to beat down the cabin door the circumference unreal you wouldn't even believe and then it's like stickman police with like blank expressions on their face writing on their papers as like your stepmom's driving away in your dad's car and he's like standing there with a mustache just crying not my stepmom do not sorry do not get d lumped in with this d is a saint this is not d okay uh uh could have been step mom was once dad's girlfriend calm down step help me step girlfriend i'm stuck you okay man really want a boston cream right now

I really want a Boston cream right now. All right. They just stay there writing on their tablets while she's driving off in the car. And they're, yep, nothing we can do. Sorry, sir. Get a new car, I guess. They didn't have tablets at this time. They get out their iPhone 13s and their iPad Pros and they're taking notes.

Paper tablets. I don't know. What do you call paper pad? Paper tablets. I don't know what you call paper pad. Paper pad. What do you call a paper stack with the little thing that holds the papers together? It's a notepad? Are you talking about a notepad? Paper tablet.

One of them scurvy tablets. Tablet tablet. What you chisel into with the hammer. Stone tablet. Right, right, right course good old summer and now you got the full picture that is my summer wade has some form of time amnesia and he just randomly mixes together different eras of technology he can't help it they're all the same that's why i tried to call on my cell phone before i had one way back when i knew one day i would have that time yeah i feel that high school wayne stands up from falling off of his bike and is like man i miss going to have my iphone i wish i did it already i haven't i don't know time travel is confusing i think some of my worst injuries happened in

the summer but also some of my best memories in summer like i guess we're kind of at the end here it's because the best shenanigans happen in summer my grandparents had a cabin down in kentucky and we would always spend like weeks or even months sometimes like all summer just down there they like a pontoon we got in the lake there was this like uh exercise we did in health class in ninth grade where our teacher had us like meditate for a moment like think of a peaceful spot and like i don't know why of all the things we did and have learned over the years that's one of the things that have stuck with me is like sometimes i'm stressed out i will just like close my eyes and the spot i imagine is laying on like the front seat of the pontoon with like hitting some light waves have like light water splashing up and just i don't know like that's my spot i go

to in my mind so whenever i think of summer the first thing i always think of is riding on that pontoon with my grandparents that's so nice yeah my family almost sunk a pontoon boat once we almost got sunk once tell me more that's interesting that's interesting no we almost sunk our own boat we were we had like a fully loaded we were up in northern michigan and we know okay and we all had a fully loaded pontoon boat and uh i don't know what happened but a lot of people were sitting in the front and the way pontoon boats work is basically floaties with a table on top for anyone who doesn't know so if you sit everyone on the edge one edge of it that edge will get very close to the water well like most of us are sitting in the front because there's big couches out in the sun in the front.

And at some point we were just cruising around the lake and I don't even know who it was. It might've been my grandfather or someone was like, oh, I want to sit out in the sun because usually the front is sunny and the back is covered. And he tried to move up towards the front and that caused at full speed,

which is not super fast, caused the edge of the boat to go under the water awesome and it flipped it was i swear to god we were vertical in the air for a second and like i don't no one got flung off my mom got cut a little bit everyone just kind of got tossed around like a human salad and then the boat flopped back down onto its floaties but everyone on the whole lake saw it we were right in the middle and everyone all the boats everyone like water skiing whatever just frozen in place the water the guy had water skis just stops yeah literally spray flying off his heels frozen in

the air we splash back down and everyone's like oh are you alive are we okay oh and the whole lake just starts like slowly coming over like hey you guys hey are you okay you need it you need it and we had to endure the embarrassment of the whole lake just being like look at these fucking idiots rewinding a bit your mom got cut a little was it by the boat or was there like a fish with a switchblade that popped up uh it's like i'm gonna go with the switchblade fish it's actually a vagrant living on the underside of the boat and when we flipped it up his uh tent blew away in the breeze because he was not he was living under the thing usually he was protected he was real pissed that we ruined his little hideaway so he had a little switchblade and i hate this joke i like switchblade fish'm going to keep that in my mind.

All right. It was an angry grouper. No, actually, there aren't groupers in that lake. It was an angry smallmouth bass. Yeah, there's some of them in there. Yes. We got to be accurate to the lake. That's true, because catfish have little pistols they carry.

Catfish carry revolvers, so it had to have been... Right, right, right. You got to watch out for those open- true because catfish have little pistols they carry catfish carry revolvers so it had to have been right right you gotta watch out for those open carry catfish you know i just realized i i just told i told the like my story of the blue lake fine arts camp there is going to be someone named mario and the other guy who was like my dick is eight inches around that will suddenly connect the dots and i i'm hoping that they listen to this podcast or like are a fan of me and just like that fucking nerd was this fucking nerd that i'm listening to right now and i i really hope cosmically like that happens because i'm like oh man that would actually be kind of nice you know to know that their stories really lived on in my brain and the traumatic experiences that i had at blue lakes fire in our camp people from our school people from our camps if you're listening and you were the dick in school

we remember i'd love to imagine the bully kid is like in the car or something he's in his jeep with the roof down and the doors off cruising around and he's got this blasting and right when you say he's like yeah well one kid was like yeah my dick is eight inches around he's like yeah now everybody knows eight inches baby screaming at people on the street like man you really didn't grow up did you no you're just jeep guy i gotta i gotta visualize i've never what is eight inches around what is the diameter of an eight inch circumference circle yeah literally picture a pancake and that's their dick okay uh diameter of eight inch circumference uh no the the circumference is eight inch okay it is circumference today uh something over pied oh my god eight inch

two diameter an eight inch circumference is approximately two and a half inches in diameter okay so that's not crazy i didn't a dick that's a thick some people have hot dogs that's a bratwurst how does that relate to like a like a like a monster can a monster can is like three inches in diameter maybe uh i'm thinking inches are bigger than they are this is interesting stuff to try to google for am i a am i a small dick i don't even know anymore what all right this is we're all penis man don't worry about it a can of monster is wait what is this aluminum 8.16 inches is a can of monsters circumference 8.16 so this guy's

claiming he's got a monster can going on down he's got he's packing a monster can down there hey baby you want an energy drink he's cruising in his jeep right now like yes they're expounding on it there you go buddy i know you'd enjoy that. You're welcome, pal. You're welcome. Wait, what matters more? Is it length, circumference, or diameter? It's the motion of the dick, my dude. Oh, the motion. Yeah, but in all honesty, it's the circumference.

What? It's the circumference. I don't know if that's true. No, 100%. So literally, if you had a quarter inch long dick that was eight inches in diameter. Ah, the cheese wheel. Yes. In diameter.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes, yes. We're switching around some of those parameters there, buddy. No, I want to find the fabled pancake. You and every woman on the planet, Liz. Well, not every woman on the planet list well not every woman of course there's a pancake out there for all of us somewhere oh man this podcast we know what women like that's for sure it's like a dilophosaurus they love dinosaurs we know women love dinosaurs we can say that for certain. I got a dialogue for you right here. A dialogue for dinosaurs?

Is that the guy with the wingy things on his neck? It's the thing that, like, in Jurassic Park, whenever Nedry, like, wrecks his car, his Jeep, it comes out and, like, frills out its thing and spits at him. He's got sails on his neck. Yeah, the wingy things. Yeah. Yeah.

Frilly spits? Sounds like penis man to me bob can you wrap this up i'm just i'm enjoying where it's going i don't really want it to end i'm having a really good time now i'm looking into dilophosaurus i love summer all right that took a steep dive i'm gonna tabulate the points here to end this up it's like an eight inch circumference dive straight down i hmm it's a tight race i think the final score is going to have mark at plus one half point. Which, to clarify, does mean that Mark wins.

It's like sports rules. Not golf rules. It's like, you know, normal sports rules. Highest score wins. It's a good thing that Wade and I agreed that we would abstain from this winner, so I abstain. Right, Wade? All right, well, I guess then I win by default.

Unless you choose not to abstain, Wade. Technically, you got second place, so if Mark withdraws, I guess that means you win default. Unless you choose not to abstain, Wade. I could, technically you got second place. So if Mark withdraws, I guess that means you win. Unless you don't want to. I, Mark and I agreed to abstain. I better, I think I got to hold true to that. Yeah, that's my boy. That's my boy right there.

If I'm one thing, it's like, it's words. It's words that I keep. What do you think of that, judge? What do you think of that? What is a diameter of that? Huh? What is a diameter without words? Oh, I just remembered. I'm the judge and Mark wins.

Mark, give a victory speech. What? I abstained. There is no abstaining on my distractible podcast. You either win or you die. So I guess you have a choice you could make. All right, Mark's dead. We agreed. Can I ask how I would die?

Is that possible? Oh, it's my choice, really. And I'm not sure yet. We are sentenced to two full years at Michigan Diamond Band Camp. Blue, blue tuna band camp. What was it called? Blue tuna? What?

The blue tooth band camp. No, don't tell him. He can get there. You can do this. I believe in you. What's it called, Wade? Tubatune Blue Blue Trumpet Camp in Michigan. Blue Falls.

Blue Gravity Falls. Blue Balls Band Camp. Blue. Ah, true. Ah, true blue. Oh, my God. What do they have a lot of in Michigan? Especially northern Michigan.

They have a lot of blue balls? Yep, actually. I mean, probably, I guess. I suppose. Get laid, Michigan. All right. lot of at michigan especially northern michigan they have a lot of blue balls yep actually i mean probably i guess i suppose get laid michigan all right ben camp i i defer i would like to take my winner speech and put whatever the hell wade said in that spot wade speech is your winner speech you co-opt it yes i will allow this i'm co-opting i thought we were taking the death penalty but okay i guess you win oh no mark mark does not choose to abstain as you agreed mark you broke your agreement wade you have been betrayed give your loser speech i choose death it's not lose or die you can just lose that doesn't really violate any i abstained you

abstained from winning which you did not i choose to either win or lose i choose death to stay neutral I'm not gonna kill you I would have killed Mark probably but I'm not gonna kill you uh huh I called your buff your buff bluff it was a very strong bluff you called my butts alright this is a fucking train this is over now

that's the end of this it's over Mark wins I abstain from the end that's not how this works thank you so much listeners for listening so gently and yet also so fiercely we can tell how gently and how fiercely you listen so uh you really have to get the slack if i'm honest you're doing kind of a bad job but i believe in you you can do better i think you can do it uh make sure you follow us on our socials and then you know on YouTube and places like that.

Markiplier, LordMinion777 or Minion777. And Micegurm. You'll never spell it. Good luck. That's going to be the end of the podcast. We have merch. It's at a website. It's every Monday.

I haven't done an outro. I haven't hosted in a long time. Hope you bought your U2s while they were or are available. If they are were, buy a U2s or you can't. Unclear. Sorry. Should have while you could have can. Do.

Did. Will, edit that out if it's accurate or anything. Or maybe don't. Just leave it in. That's the end. I don't know how to end these things, so I'll just end it by saying mine is eight inches around as well. Podcast out.