Distractible - The Best Episode Of Distractible Anyone Has Seen or Heard Ever

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

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Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, mutinous Mark changes the podcast trajectory and wants to feel, dammit. Weakened Wade explains cheetah totters, drops desolating lens fats, and tugs on Mark's strings. Baby-brained Bob dunks on dragon's dogma despite big booty and gets nasty with edibles. From Shakira's truthful hips to cream pies Yeah It's time for the best episode of distractible anyone has seen or heard ever now sit back and prepare to be distracted and

Enjoy the show Hello be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello. Welcome to the podcast. It's so good to have you on board and listening to this. Distractable is the name of it. You forgot, didn't you? I legitimately forgot the name of the podcast. It sounded like it. That was not a joke, everyone. I, for a moment, I forgot what this was called. But I don't forget what I'm called. I'm called Markiplier

Hi on his birth certificate and everything you know that's actually a question that I'm trying to answer right now I don't know how I'm gonna credit myself in this movie because I'm doing multiple things like I'm editing it And I directed it and I'm acting in it So it's technically I could have different names for different roles like oh my god Yeah, starring Markiplier directed by mark fishbach directed by mark edward fishbach edited by that mark guy yeah written by markey moo produced by mama pliers son okay but you got like okay zendaya right where where did zendaya come from is that an internet

name or is that actually her name? I always assumed that was like either her first or last name or it was somehow related to her family or something But I could just be made up. I don't actually know. Her full name is Zendaya Marie Stormer Coleman according to Google But just goes by Zendaya, right? I mean, it's a hell of a name I hope she goes by all four and wherever you address her, you must name all four names. Now, what I'm saying is definitely that everyone should take from this is I'm saying Markiplier is just as cool of a name as Zendaya, which is a real name versus my real name Markiplier. If you're really trying to get in with Tom Holland, you can see if he's interested in you, but I think he's in

a relationship. You know why I appreciate you Wade is because you look at problems that aren't there from different angles that no one predicted. If you were Napoleon, you'd win a lot of battles. Or he'd be an excellent polo player. Cause that's not a thing Napoleon did. Okay, it was a little too far. I feel like your jokes are coming out of the Wade bag of jokes. Increasingly that is where I'm at and I think it's because I'm spending too much time with a baby. You know, this would segue into my topic really well, but I'm gonna hold off on it, and I'll come back. No, but don't, though.

Yeah, but I'm gonna come back to it. I'm gonna bring it up again so we all relive this moment. But before we get into the main topic of the episode today, how are you guys doing? I'm not a parent, man, but sleep has been merely a dream that I've thought I've accumulated over the last week and yet it eludes me. It eludes me like a warm summer's night in February in Ohio. What month is it? Like March you know, like April in Ohio. It's still March technically. I don't remember the

question but yeah, I would. I asked how are you? Oh, thanks for asking man. Oh, I thought of something. Well, wait your turn big boy. Someone sent me a tweet and it showed that there I think it was Jimmy Fallon or something. They had Shakira's hips hooked up to a lie detector test and honestly, I saw it's getting me through this week. I defer the rest of my time. I feel like they stole that from you because I'm pretty sure you must have made that joke at one point or another. It's amazing. I think it's a lie detector test. I think it's getting me through this week. I defer the rest of my time. I feel like they stole that from you because I'm pretty sure you must have made that joke at one point or another. It's amazing if I haven't. All right so I'm gonna give you

a point for stealing from Jimmy Fallon. I'm called Bob. I am an over an hour late to this session, which might be a new record for me. I don't know, have I ever been more late than this and still showed up to record or? I feel like I've definitely missed sessions before but I was- it was already like an hour or two after time and you guys were like Well, I don't think he's coming. Let's move on. Technically I missed yesterday by 24 hours so I've been here both days Hahahaha

We're the reason he hasn't gotten any sleep, Emson I'm doing great! We can't all bat a thousand like you, Wade. That is true. You are predictably here every time. Almost always the first one in the room, so I'm very impressed by that. I'll give you a punctuality point there. You get a PP, yeah.

That's very deserved. Anyway, so I just, I bring that up just to say I take full credit. If this episode is like way out of pocket and completely off kilter. I know Wade's tired. It's only made worse by the fact that everything is messed up and it's the wrong time and everyone was texting me and trying to reach me and I just misplaced my phone and so it's my fault. It's not Mark's fault. He's the host. It's not his fault. If anything comes out of left field in this episode, it's my own fault. So that's my fault. What's happening here is clearly my fault. Also, I watched the Reds opening day game. Mark, I know you're a big sports guy because that podcast. And I think his last name

was Martini, but the guy who bats like eighth for the Reds hit a home run on his first at bat and then hit another home run on his second at bat. So he was not only batting a thousand for the first two at bats of the season, he only hit home runs. Damn. It was outstanding. Also, the Reds were pretty they looked pretty good. I'm stealing this, but I was watching somebody recap the Reds game and they said that right around 5 p.m. is whenever that happened. And they said that you're not just getting one but a double martini and it's five o'clock in Cincinnati or something like that. What a call. I really poorly paraphrased that but it was funny the way they said it.

You should laugh at that. That's that I think you told it well enough to earn some. I think Mark is slowly being engulfed by hell the more we go into this. Yeah, Mark, are you... Second circle? Third circle? How far down? What the hell's happening to you? People are just listening at home. I am slowly sinking into a pit of lava, and I am really embracing the pain,

uh, and taking it like a champ. You just want to see if your body can take it? Yes, exactly, and surprisingly, it can. It can. Didn't you look normal like two minutes ago? Yeah, no, my- my main light, I- Yes, exactly and surprisingly it can it can Yeah, no my my main light I there's just these little battery powered lights right now because that's all I could bring with me one of them just went out Cuz I don't have enough plugs for anything my camera was running out of power before this so I had this is my accent little Like flavor light now. It's my main light. Is it only red. It's not like adjustable or no I could turn it to another color, but it oh no

Well, leave it though. Yeah, exactly. Okay. I see I'm not I'm with you. It's freaking wait out wait Let's say he's gonna have a panic attack I know it's funny and scary at the same time and I I realize that I'm not mentally stable at the moment But it's really everything's really funny this better. Oh, that's way better. I love that That reminds me the thing whenever you put up to your finger and you're like, oh I see my finger bone Oh, yeah, there you go, uh-huh. Yeah, if you don't watch this show now you have to any who I wanted to segue into the Episode Bob I was gonna give you a point but I've since forgotten what it was for

Wait, wait said he was tired. And then Napoleon was gonna play polo. No, all I heard was that it's all your fault. We are in A-plus form today, everyone. Thank you, Wade, for segueing into the topic of the episode so beautifully. We weren't in our A game for this podcast episode. Man, you segued a lot better than I'm currently doing at this juncture. I'm with you. I'm following.

Here's the deal, guys. I hate to break some bad news for you. We fell off. Uh oh. We've slipped. We've slipped. What does that mean? We've slipped. In a good way? No, no, not not good not good at all

We have enjoyed in our complacency enjoyed a lovely spot at the top of the chart Not the top high up on the charts of podcasts, right? Oh way up there. We were up there sometimes top 10 Sometimes top 10. Yeah, we've fallen off. We're now right now if I was looking at it right now We're in the 31st position of top podcasts mark. You failed us so badly. Wait, whoa. Yeah, we've fallen off. We're now, right now, if I was looking at it right now, we're in the 31st position of Top Podcasts. Mark, you failed us so badly. Wait, whoa, hey, hold on. Yeah, we were just talking about how it's all your fault, Mark. What are we doing here? Wait, what are you, what could you possibly be getting Wade? What, what prop do you think is gonna rescue us from the 31st position? What, uh, fake cigar, fake cigar, $100, fake cigar. I know what a level this out!

What were you leaning out of frame for? What were you leaned over for? I was gonna throw up. I felt sick from our horrible failure. Wow, see, this is why we've fallen off. This is why. Because we have allowed the quality of this, uh, podcast to slip. Which is why today, we're gonna change that. Welcome to the best episode of Distractable

anyone has ever heard or seen ever. That's the name of this episode. The best episode of Distractable anyone has seen or heard ever. We've exceeded the character limit. What's the character limit? I don't even know. You don't know what the character limit,

he's lying, he doesn't know. Don't listen to him, he has no idea. He fell for it. No, this is it. If it fits in there, good. If it doesn't, we'll cram some words together. The best episode of Distractable anyone has seen or heard, ever! Go ahead and name it, the file that, right now. Okay, I'm doing that right now, I'm doing it. Yeah, yeah, currently recording the greatest The best episode of distractible anyone has seen or heard ever best episode of distractible

Anyone has ever wait, what are you typing? You don't have the ability to rename the file I'm tweeting this out man. Oh, you're tweeting. Oh,, currently recording the best episode of distract only what I've seen or heard ever Okay, look forward to it sometime 2024 Probably next week. No, you should say q2 2024 by the way. How are you? I'm good No, you should say Q2 2024. By the way, how are you? I'm good. Thanks. Cool. See ya. Mark, how are we going to make this the greatest best episode ever?

I'm glad you asked. I do have a plan. Yes. So I'm actually going to scrub all points off the board right now because you'll see why. We're gonna need to start at a clean slate. And it's a good thing I don't remember what you got a point for Bob because it's not there So so I I'm just scrubbing these points here and because I lost that poll and this can be attributed down the road Wait, I want you to know for fairness not for this episode But for a future episode there's two points here that I'm going to defer later If that's alright with you and Bob

Didn't you two give me shit like three episodes ago for carrying points over? I didn't I thought that was fine The beginning of my sentence was because I lost the poll on Reddit He did directly address that yes. I didn't know what poll you were referring to I was like we just did a poll The one that pertains to the second half of my sentence That thing that you just said? That one. Yeah, I'll take points whenever man It's fine. They're like fine wine Maybe- can I invest them?

I'm just saying, you have two points that you can redeem down the road because of the precedent set by the subreddit. That's fair. That is the rule of law as voted by the people Bob, if you lose this one man, you might as well retire because I am not even in C form today.

All right, well that's okay because this is the best episode already that anyone has seen or heard ever. Woo! What are the emotions that people can experience from any sort of medium, right? What are the emotions? Fear. Fear. Diarr emotions? Uh, fear.

Fear. Diarrhea. Pfft. Goes with fear. Hunger. Wehhh. Good emotions. Good- of good medium.

Good media. Excitement. Excitement, I like that. Ecstasy. Lust. I'll take lust, we'll just put that as lust. Tongue quivering. What were the first ones?

I've already forgotten. Oh god, I should be writing these down. Oh no, this is the best episode, we don't need to write anything down No, I need to because we got a we got to prove it. There was lust excitement fear sadness weight said sadness lust Okay, sad lust got it eagerness Anticipation maybe eagerness. Oh, that's the word. Yeah anticipation is the word. You gotta leave a pause in the middle of that word and oh

Wait still hidden on all cylinders. Antici... Tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, Amusement very different from amusement. What about anger anger? There we go anger. Okay. All right I'm struggling to name human emotions names my alien ones, please That's what I have been naming Glankiness is a good one I'll put it down. I guess you ever just feel blankie. I got lots of stuff that makes me feel blankie What about disapproval is Is disapproval an emotion? More of a judgment. Disapproving, I guess. Yeah, sure. No, yeah. Existential crisis-y.

Okay, existential, sure. What is it when you like see a cute baby or something you're like, aww? Just, I'm pretty sure that's called aww. Aww. Okay, all right. I'm looking at a chart also apparently aggressiveness is an emotion pride Seven deadly sins of the episode sometimes like oh there's like uplifting commercials I make you like proud of like I don't know an industry or something. Okay proud pride got it. Okay pride acceptance, okay? Exactly. Oh, I think I Yeah, okay. I'll take it. What about angry lust? Is that different than normal lust that well? We already have sad lust so angry lust would be the other kind. It's like you're hangry, but with lust

Husty, ooh, I'm husty. All right, husty. God damn it. Sometimes you just want a cheeseburger Take one or all of the above. I found the one! Distraction That's good. We've almost got too many probably. Okay, man, this is your exercise. I wasn't saying that critically. I was just looking at the list. I'm like, oh, we probably got too many. I feel like we basically covered every emotion that you can have as a person. Yeah, except I just want to point out when no one said happy.

Yeah, no one feels that. That's a lie. We've got fear, sad, lust, eagerness, confusing, bemusement, dummusement, blankiness, anger, existential crisis, disapproval, proud slash pride, awe, acceptance, husty, serenity, bored, distraction, and disgust. That's pretty much all the emotions I feel on a daily basis. Yes, these are the hallmarks of a good piece of artistic content. And this being the best episode of Distractable that anyone has seen or heard ever, has all of these emotions in one episode.

If someone listens to this, they better pull over to the side of the road because they're gonna have a bombardment of emotions that they are ill equipped to handle. You were mad whenever I tried to redeem my points and you told me not to. I thought about Shakira's hips, so definitely some loss. Oh, stop.

Yield, yield your time. I unyield, I wield my time. I choose to wield it like a hammer. You haven't tamed this stallion. That would make C-span so much more washable. Does the congressperson from Massachusetts yield their time? I wield my time! I think that counts for demusement for that one. I'll give that to Wade.

That was both demusement for that one. I'll give that to Wade. That was both demusement and clankiness. Well, I can't give them two at once, so the way this is gonna work is I know this is the greatest episode ever, but because we have a list of these emotions, I know all of these emotions are gonna be in this episode, so the points are gonna be assigned by who makes me feel any of these emotions, but only one at a time. I know it's so dense that they'll overlap, but the game is on. I will no longer, from this point on, repeat what the emotions you said are, but I will let you know when I feel that particular emotion in this episode.

The episode begins now. I am excited. I'm ready to feel all of this. Go! Oh, okay Are you lustful? No, it doesn't I don't feel that I'm not feeling that disgust You know if you feel disgust that was on the list, baby. It's not quite discussed I don't I've got something that will make you feel several things. This is at its heart I think we all know a video game news podcast. That's where we started and that's really our bread and butter. Did you guys hear about Dragon's Dogma 2? The microtransactions?

Did you see this? No, expound. Wield. Wield your time. It's a weird situation, but it's an action RPG, right? So it's like an RPG game. You make a character, they have a class, you do things, you level up, blah, blah, blah. Aside from the performance issues of it running

at very low frame rates and very inconsistently across platforms, it's a full price game. It's a 70, $80 game. There's even, I think there's like a special edition version for ever much more. It's a full price ass game. It's not free to play. It's not cheap, and it launched with like over a dozen microtransactions, including stuff that is kind of pointless, which seems kind of like bait. You can buy things such as camping sets, right? It's like an RPG game, so part of the thing is like resting, right? You can buy these with real money, camping set things. You get that item in the game. You get that item naturally over the course of playing the game. The one you can buy with money has like two benefits. One is I think it can't be destroyed potentially,

which some of them can be destroyed depending on what kind you get in game. And then two is it's like really lightweight. So it's like, wait, it's easier on your inventory, but it had, there's like, it's just filled your inventory but it had there's like it's just filled with micro transactions which doesn't remotely surprise me i've got to be honest it's a capcom game that's just that's just the state of it now but why do they charge so much money i feel like you have to pick one if it's like a 20 game with micro transactions that doesn't make me like them anymore but then i'm like well so they're hoping to make you know they're hoping to sell a lot of copies because pricing it low and then they're hoping to

make more money on the backend with people really enjoying the game and choosing to spend money on micro or it's free. And then it's like, yeah, well, microtransactions make a lot of sense because you can't be free, but they're, this is the model. How is it going to be a full price game and still have all this stuff? And you don't need to do the microtransactions to win and it's not really paying a win, but like, I don't know. It made me feel angry in all kinds of ways it made me feel unhappy but not in a way that surprised me in the same way it always does

because it's just greed you know I'm gonna make you feel something here I don't know what I'm gonna explain it to you so normally you've got like the teeter-totter effect right where it's like low-cost game lots of microtransactions no microtransactions high-cost game but if you snap the teeter totter effect, right? Where it's like low cost game, lots of microtransactions. No microtransactions, high cost game. But if you snap the teeter totter in two and you push up both in, you're thinking outside the teeter totter. That's what they did. But that's not how physics works. Why obey the laws of physics whenever you can speed? People break laws all the time. I don't think people break laws of physics all the time. I think we're pretty bound by

that generally speaking. I just broke a teeter totter right in front of you. Not in real, not in real. Not re-real. Okay, alright. Well, great contribution, wait. Bob, who, who, but I totally get what you're saying. Microtransactions are a problem because games haven't been the right price for a very long time. But who dis? Oh, that's Suzy from Baldur's Gate. Oh, that's SS Sphinx Girl, 1704932-115565.

Does this game have uh, does this game have Big Lady? I don't actually know that. I'll google that. Cause I looked up Dragon's Dogma 2 and I saw a lot of pictures of what seems to be big lady if you google that phrase that you said the top videos that come up are mostly titled big hot orc wife time dragons dragons dogma 2 so i think the answer to your question is yes dragons dogma 2 has big lady damn all right i'm gonna give you the husty award uh you made me feel Husty in that moment because I'm angry about the microtransactions, but also Big Lady.

I've got Resident Evil Village news, Mark, even more lusty. Well, I mean, sorry, Husty's already been taken, so it'd have to be pretty. It involves Big Lady herself. All right. What do you got? Take your time, I guess. One day ago, Stephanie Stone uploaded a video, Shadows of Roses DLC 2 of 2.

Wait, I love the effort, but you've already gotten Demusement. You can't keep hitting that one because you already got it. Mark, I know how to make you feel both pride and embarrassment all in one fell swoop, and that's not one fell swoop.

And that's not even on the list. I just know, I just know that's part of this. Oh, I can't wait. Mark, have you heard your favorite podcast, Distractable, finally has a merch store. Oh! They did it, those crazy bastards. Wow. After literal months

of saying a website that no longer exists and is really unfortunate that there's dozens of episodes with us saying a website that really doesn't exist at all. If you go to distractible store.com, it does exist. You feel proud? Are you proud of me, dad? Okay. So the emotion I feel isn't quite pride because I know you're working in basically a merch promo What you are?

In the best episode anyone has seen or heard we need to be honest with ourselves Wow What do you feel? What do you feel be honest? Okay? Here's the honesty I feel like this is the state of the world and what we are and we have to understand that everything we do is motivated purely by money and purely by greed and even this episode itself as being the best episode ever is merely a ploy to clickbait people into getting this and then hopefully that they enjoy. I'm accepting it. I'm giving you the acceptance one. This is the state that we are in and it's the state of the podcast industry as a whole, and we as a cog in the machine must accept our place in that.

So go to some distractiblestore.com, check out the merch. I got something for you, Mark, that's gonna make you feel every negative emotion possible. I wanted positive ones, but okay. Non-L series Canon lenses just aren't built to weather longevity. You can't keep using them them or they will wear out faster than other lenses.

I don't think Mark used this Canon. Well, he's definitely not going to after what I just said. Imagine a lens, Mark, a lonely little lens, just wanting to be unboxed and played with like Woody from Toy Story. And you get it out and the arm falls off right away and you have to pitch it. That toy never gets played with.

The Canon lenses are lasting a while actually, but not as long as other lenses. Certainly not as long as Konica Minolta lenses. We can say that with confidence. Wade, you did make me feel an emotion here, but it is purely in the disapproval category because if you'd heard anything I said, one of the top things I said was that Canon lenses I feel are overrated and honestly if they're going by the wayside So you should feel some pride in the fact that I'm agreeing with you

You should feel ecstasy in the fact that I'm having a lens discussion with you You should feel disgusted about Canon lenses longevity. I'm giving you For disapproval. That's good. All right. Well done. That's four of the emotions assigned. What were the others? I'm giving you a point for disapproval. That's good. All right. Well done. That's four of the emotions assigned What were the others? I'm no Alright I'm ready mark. I've got a new story. That's gonna make you feel some things. Oh, okay I don't even know what they're gonna make you feel but I like it. I like where this is going. Yes the Associated Press reports children raced to collect marshmallows dropped from a helicopter at Detroit area

park. It rained marshmallows at a suburban Detroit park on Friday as children raced to snatch up thousands of the gooey treats. The annual great marshmallow drop, this is an annual event, took place at Catalpa Oaks County Park in Michigan, hosted by the Oakland County Parks. Hundreds of children participated in this. Hundreds? Hundreds of children underneath a helicopter where a passenger just unceremoniously dumped out sacks of marshmallows onto the grass below.

Please tell me they threw them out as full sacks so kids were like getting hit and dead with sacks of marshmallows onto the grass below. Officials stressed ahead of time and reiterated repeatedly that although they look tempting, the fluffy treats must not be eaten once they hit the ground. Instead, kids could take their marshmallows and exchange them for prize bags containing candy, coloring books, or a one-day pass to a water park. The supervisor of the event said that approximately 15,000 marshmallows were dropped from the helicopter. How big?

Are they just the mini marshmallows or are they full-sized? Normal-sized marshmallows like roast-on-a- sized marshmallows like roast on a fire marshmallows okay when asked the question that i'm sure you're thinking why the director said it was just a celebration yeah the weather is nice so we're just trying to go outside and pick up some marshmallows i give you the confusing point there were cat wait there were categories of kids wait I didn't even know that what do you mean there were categories of what do you mean categories of kids they were they were age groups it's a competition okay oh I thought oh and that's nice so there were four four years and under five to seven year olds and eight to twelve year olds and there's actually a second drop

that was specifically for children with disabilities so that they would have a fair shot to get out there and Collect some marshmallows, which is nice. Should I give you the aww point for that? It's I don't even know I mean it deserves to be applauded because people don't do stuff like that But wouldn't that just be basic human decency? Feelings? Yeah, you I was confused. I was very confused extremely confused, but then you really turned around and I went aww That was confusingly adorable and I do not know why they thought that was the best idea Especially considering yeah as soon as they hit the ground don't eat them all like half those marshmallows got eaten Yeah for sure absolutely although

I will say if you tell the kids beforehand you need to exchange your marshmallows for the prizes that might be enough to prevent Them because if there's one thing kids will do it's make sure that they get the prize from the glass case at the end of the day that they want. But what if they have extra marshmallows? What if it's a hundred marshmallows for their prize? Like I've got a hundred and three. Yeah well that's a hundred percent that happened. Yes. The other thing kids are good at is counting accurately and deferring for rewards. Well done Bob you got two emotions right there. This is already off to a screaming start We are well into the top ranks of both podcast charts and this being people's favorite episodes in their hearts Dad alone is worth a top spot at you. Joe Rogan's not talking about marshmallows being dropped from a helicopter

He's not he's not there's only like anger over there or something. I don't know what they're what they're feeling I got something that'll put some fear in your boots. Within the last few weeks, Tyler came back from Thailand. What? He's back. He's back. He's back. What do you think Tyler's presence in America should make us feel?

Fear. Ouch. On Tyler's behalf, I think, but also sure. Okay. Look man, I'm really scraping the barrel here. I could be searching for stories like you, but my tab is so far away from where my mouse cursor is. I'm here working through this on my own with no assistance. There's nothing to be externally motivated to feel these emotions. We're we're friends You could tug my my fear strings my lust strings You know how to make me feel these emotions. Imagine a bunch of holes Mark tiny put together Oh, God fuck you man. Is that how you like it, baby?

I mean you do get the disgust point, but I'm not happy about it. Well, you're the one who told me what to do. Mark, I have a question, and I want to know... I think this is... Is Glankiness still on the table? Oh, for sure. I just want to put this up front. This segment is crafted explicitly to make you feel Glanky.

In the whimsical village of Whimsybrook, where colors gleamed brighter and laughter rang louder, lived a small peculiar creature named Glonk. With a heart brimming with joy and a head full of mischievous ideas, Glonk decided to bring the village together in an unprecedented way. A talent show featuring the quirkiest acts from around! As they arrived, the stage was set in the village square, and shimmered in the afternoon stun. Sun, sun, there's no T in that word. Mrs. Puddlequack, the talking duck, opened with a water

ballet in a puddle, while Mr. Tinkleton, a sentient teapot, enchanted all with a melodious whistle. Yet the true spectacle was Glonk's very own act. Unveiling a curious machine, he transformed everyday noises, the whisper of the wind, the croak of a frog, into a symphony that made hearts lighter and feet eager to dance. The villagers, spellbound, danced together, their laughter rising and weaving through the air, creating a moment of pure ecstasy.

The town swept up in the unbelievable wave of ecstasy, danced their way from the town square down the main street to the lake that was tucked next to Whimsybrook. And as they danced into the lake, gleefully unaware that they were dancing into the deeper, deeper water, ever darker, ever deeper, they forgot all of their worries, and they also forgot that they can't breathe underwater. And that's the story of how Glonk got his revenge on the town that never stopped making fun of his name. Oh. Glankey? Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's Glankey, I think. Um, I- I'm gonna give it to you. And I don't know why, I had the weirdest- you're not gonna gonna believe this I had the weirdest sense of deja vu when you were telling that story Really did you've heard you've heard of Glock and whimsy brook before I swear to God There is some other either in this or three peens where you or Wade were reading a Fairy tale to me and I or I was hearing it and it was it was bizarre and Something like that and it made me think it was like Some website we went to that had like this weird fairy tale on it for some reason and I was getting this sense

And I've heard this story before I don't know where you got that story. Do I get a bonus feeling point for making you feel feels that aren't even on the list Of feels I'm approaching and there's nothing here that I think fits the bill I think you were lucky to score Glankiness with that one, but I'll leave it at that. Can I let you know the secret? You thought Glanky was a joke, but it actually means a mix of gleeful and funky, and is a very specific emotion that does exist. I'm ready to jump in. Is Smurfiness still on the table?

Never was. That was not a thing. Wait, it wasn't? That was not on the list. No one said that. Okay. Um... Well... ...Bob, do you? Hahahaha!

I seem to be confused again. Confuse has already been taken, man. Uh, Mark, this'll make you feel. Alright! I have another absolutely amazing news story. Okay! And it's not even an old one. This just happened. Because it's been happening an old one, this just happened because it's been

happening for over a century, Mark. In Paris, this past week, waiters and waitresses, more than 200 servers gathered to compete in the race called Course des Cafés, which is probably not how it's pronounced. The waiters had to race around a 1.2 mile loop starting at City Hall and ending back there wearing their traditional crisp white shirts, black trousers, neatly tied aprons, bow ties, whatever their uniform might be, vests, some of them, and they had to carry a tray loaded with one croissant, one full glass of water, and one empty coffee cup. And without running, without bumping into anyone, without spilling anything on the tray or dropping it which disqualifies you from the race and Without using two hands at any point to carry the tray you do doing the waiter thing words

They had to could try to be the first one to complete the one point two mile race They had a run weekly. You're not allowed to run. Oh not allowed to run. Okay, you have to be professional No running no no bustling or shoving or bumping No one one hand and the other hand is just very politely waggling along as you stride quickly But safely around the race course was there just one guy at the finish line at one table and every time a waiter came up They just slammed their face. Well, how long how long do you think it took for the fastest finisher to complete 1.2 miles? A relatively flat walking on a blocked off course, so there's no traffic or anything. It's like a race course. It's blocked off.

If they were bustling, it would have to be around 10, 12 minutes. Maybe. Oh, maybe. No, you're pretty- you're actually- Alright. The- the men's winner, Sammy Lemrou, finished in 13 minutes and 30 seconds. And the women's winner, Pauline Van Wermersh. Vier- Viermersh.

Uh-huh. Took 14 minutes and 12 seconds, So just a little bit behind Sammy Well damn, I'm proud of that That's fun, that's whimsical Was whimsical on the list? No, but I gave you proud Cause it's like, wow, that's well done, well done Tag me in coach, I'm back

Alright Wade, what do you got for me? So I found a story here about a fish who wanted to be a tree So the fish one day was contemplating heavily becoming this tree. So long in fact that the fish forgot to eat. So whenever a fisherman threw his line into the pond, the fish saw it and was like, well, I need to eat sometime and went to take a bite. The hook went through the fish's cheek

and it was pulled up into the air, seeing the beautiful trees and things around it. But then all of a sudden being like, I can't breathe, I can't breathe. Fisherman got the fish, took him off the hook, put him in one of those little coolers with water in it or whatever so the fish is swimming around all of a sudden engulfed in darkness and the fish is only thinking

I should have eaten sooner rather than thinking about becoming a tree The fisherman takes the fish home, kills it cuts it up and eats it Do you feel anything at all Mark? Yeah, I feel a lot of things I'll give you Exist existential crisis for sure, for sure. And again, again, you would have got confusing or demusement, but you already got those. So I'm gonna

get, you got existential crisis because that was um... Tag me in competitor. This is sort of targeted, but this might make you feel lots of other stuff too. I found foods that have dirty names. Oh shit. Number one is obvious and we can just sort of, we need to get past. Number one, obviously, Boston cream pie. Okay, alright, yeah, that's a given. That's a given, yeah. Number two, pretty obvious as well, pig in a blanket.

Do you want to be the blanket or the pig? I mean, it is pretty self-explanatory. Number three, Memphis dry rub. Pretty there. I mean, sounds a little unpleasant given the dry, but. Number four, sloppy Joe. Yeah, that's yeah, that's yeah. Number five, banana split. Huh? Yeah, this is yeah, it it's, I'm, I'm.

I said, I said number six would surprise you. Six, yeah, woo! The Mississippi Mud Pie. That just sounds like poop. No, no, it's the Mud Pie. I didn't, I didn't like this list as much as I, I thought I would. Yeah, I thought it would just be like, wiener and. All right, no, wait, it comes back, it comes back.

Wait, number seven is Kumquat. Kumquat. You know, you putting more emphasis on it actually kind of... Alright, number eight is Hot Pocket. Oh, man. Alright, well, actually the actual reason I picked this list is number nine. I've got to be completely honest. Okay, number nine will surprise me.

It's something we can do together and we have done before. Number nine is the Cincinnati three-way. Because I'm pretty sure we've gotten Sweeney and Skyline together before. Maybe not all three of us but I know I've had Skyline with you guys before right? Yeah probably maybe maybe? Anyway, had nut butter, animal style, pulled pork. These are great! Why are you glossing over them? Muffaletta, these are all- these all suck. What do you mean?

Clam chowder. Gross. Why? I don't- I don't think that- Stuffed cabbage. Pretty funny, actually, I didn't see that one. I don't even know what that is. And finally, five guys. Okay, is five an orgy or is it- I mean, three is a threesome.

Six is a crowd. Is four a foursome or is anything greater than three an orgy? I don't know. I feel like we might've discovered this before. Yeah, I feel, yeah, this is deja vu again. I wish deja vu was on the list because I really feel like there's been a lot of deja vu.

An orgy is a wild party characterized by excessive drinking and indiscriminate sexual activity. Thank you. So wait, but how many is an orgy? Four or more people is an orgy according to the New Zealand Herald. I'm gonna give you, I'm giving you emotion, but here's why. I'm giving you sad because I was so I was really really excited and I was hopeful and excited is not on the list just so you know oh you know what eagerness is now here's the thing I was very eager I was eager you were list number six I was ready for that but I'm very sad because it didn't work out the way that I had even remotely hoped for it to be so actually

Weirdly, you know and I think that's what makes a good episode is like this this turning of emotions, right? You have expectations and you devastate them. Yeah, you that's why you're actually getting to those eagerness and sadness deserved deserved But Wade here ready to pick it back up and Bring it back. I'm looking at this like wheel of emotions and they've got different colors associated with them But the three main colors are like red yellow and blue but red yellow and blue are kind of somewhat closer together And then they've got green across from red, which is a little bit weird and for the life of me I cannot figure out why in the world it's designed that way instead of having red, yellow, and blue equidistant from each other and I'm just curious why green

gets like two shades of green and a light blue but red and blue just have one pink between them red and yellow just have one orange between them and I don't know why green gets so much love on this Are you trying to distract me? Is that what you're saying? What do you mean? Oh is that on the list? That's crazy I've never been more focused on anything in my entire life. Are you kidding me?

Oh my god For those who weren't watching for that moment, there's no words I could describe. Except yes, I have words to describe that. Oh, sorry, my little weird paper towel ball? Yeah, I'll try to describe it listeners. Wade sat with his face barely in the shot, and that's why he sounded so distant. And then he was just waving a weird crumpled up paper towel in and out of the other side of the shot the whole time. He was talking about the colors Oh, man, Mark says was the best episode ever. I had to give it my all to do. I want to shoot you down

I want to show I want to talk shit about that, but that was gold. That was actual gold I'm giving you the Bumusement point and the distraction point because it was it was effectively distracting and even though it did turn to focus like I The principal was there and Bumusement because wow that might have been the most whimsical moment in the episode Thank you for turning that around from Bob's eager and sad Emotions, it was really a palate cleanser. Yeah, he got he went to horny foods And I was like, you know what horny foods makes me think of balled-up paper towel distraction All right

There's only a few emotions left on the board and only so much time left in the episode There's no way we could hit all of these emotions in one Mark. Hmm. I've hacked your computer and I have the latest rough cut of iron lung and I'm about to upload it to Vimeo Some people might see it, but don't worry. upload it to Vimeo some people might see it but don't worry It's just Vimeo. That's really hilarious. You think I have an assembled rough cut of something? Hey you got something I saw those folders. Yeah. Yeah, I got something but I'm not exactly fearful of that because I don't believe you Bob man are everyone's gonna die!

(*both laugh*) You're gonna lose people you love! Are you scared? Would you guys like to- need to tell you... Yes, please. ...the emotions that we have left? Okay. We have fear, there's fear remaining. There is still lust, because there were two lust categories. I showed you my shoulder, man.

There is anger left, I have not felt angry. Boredom, which I am very close to right now. And then there's serenity. Those are the ones that are left. Can I ask who's winning right now? No. Subreddit, I think you know that I'm being unjustly represented in this episode.

Classic, excellent. I love that for us. I wanna smash cut of all the times Wade went, Uh, Bob, I yield my time! Bob, go! You know what, Mark? I'm not, I'm done playing your game. Your title is officially a lie. This is, this is and will never be is, this is not and will never be the greatest episode,

because we will not reach these last emotions. I'm not participating, I'm shutting this down. If Wade tries to talk I will interrupt him It's over. I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to take you're trying to claim the best episode You're trying to unthrone Bob's fridge and or all the other episodes I hosted which are clearly the best episodes of the show I'm not gonna help you do it. How do you feel about that? Man, I don't know just well, I kind of bored actually. I don't know. I didn't believe it I didn't feel like you were really in there there which actually yeah that I think that land you bored I was I was kind of bored. Why would you take boredom for me? I was gonna start reading the dictionary

Go ahead see what it does at Dash-a-dash capital a a 1c a a tripleL, triple A-S, double A space cell. What? These aren't words. Ali, A and M, A-A-R, guard wolves, ironic, Aaron's beard, Aaron's rod. All right, stop. I'm so afraid because I don't know what's happening. Is that really the dictionary?

Because these- I looked up Merriam-Webster dictionary letter A. That's what you Googled? Well, that's where I'm at Miriam Webster.com I thought literally you typed that in no of course not okay mark I've got one I've got one for anger okay ready are you ready to feel angry buddy hold on is that the newest post it's your friend no this is six months ago there's a lot of stuff to go over. Your friend, A. James McCarthy, Mark. This is possibly the best moon picture he's ever taken, but it's hard to say. Don't you just love that?

Look at all the detail in the craters. But also, here's what looks like the ISS with the Oceanus Procolarum on the moon in the background captured using two separate telescopes yeah you love that look look here's a jet blue fight transiting the blue supermoon mark i'll give it to you remember the spoon mark i dropped it spoon gone hair gone why anger gone hair gone why anger okay Bob yeah this one might be angry lusts but I'm just gonna go back to the same well I just want to say did you just share a picture of a boob I'm not gonna count it no it's not a picture of a boob look it's a picture of a penis cloud taken by your friend a James McCarthy. It's clearly a huge, it's even got a little coming out

the end. It's clearly a huge, huge erect penis cloud. Man, you gotta editors, you gotta blur that cause that, that is just damn, you know what you slash a James McCarthy on the, on Reddit. Thank you. Oh, you're so right. I'll give you that one. Wait, do you want to try to use surplus? Yeah, yeah, hold on. I know something that'll turn you on Does he immediately win or immediately lose if he just whips his dick out right now? I don't know We'll have to see nothing turns you on more than you Right, baby, I know what you like it took you that long to type in Markiplier into Google? Yeah, could you not spell my name or something?

Is that where we're- No, I was clicking on specific images trying to just get one big one, but I couldn't pick a winner, mainly because they were just leading to websites. But man, look at you. Wait, are you telling me that you don't know how to open an image from a Google search like that where it's just the image in a new tab? Okay, Bob, it's not about our talents. It's about the emotions they make us feel.

I'll give you this, Wade. Looking at myself like that made me feel very serene to know that there's that much. So I'll give you the serenity point. I didn't know that was an emotion that was left. It sure was buddy. And you were the only one to make me feel that which wraps up this game and wraps up the best episode of distractible that anyone has seen or heard ever.

Can I just share one more image before we wrap up fully? I don't want points for this, but this is now permanently a part of my search history and this is the emotions image apparently and I just don't know how I feel about it. Oh my God, is one of those emotions on fire? What the shit? What's the one like on the right second from the bottom

with the blue hat and what is that? That's absolutely constipated. Yeah, I'll give you a bonus point if you can accurately replicate that face Wait... Actually... I think the eye is supposed to be way more up and... Yeah squinty Brow more frowd

You somehow elevate your nose a lot Hahahaha No no the inside of your nose Okay less buck teeth, more all teeth open your mouth a little more All teeth all teeth more teeth and then handsome Squidward it No, I misguided you. Sorry. You don't get a point. That is Mark's fault, but I'm on board with a no point for that one All right. Well, congratulations guys. You have ran the gambit of every emotion that comprises good Content on the internet and I think we have solidified our standing back into the upper echelons of podcast rankings forever and ever,

and ever, and you guys should feel very proud. You guys should feel lots of clankiness and plenty of demusement. But there can only be one winner. And I think we saved happiness and joy because we knew that the only happiness and joy would come When the winner was declared. Are you ready? So Wade? Wait, stop come back wait wait you got fear B-amusement D-amusement existential crisis disapproval serenity distraction and

disgust for eight points Renity, distraction, and disgust. For eight points. Suck it, Bob. Bob, you got sadness, lust, eagerness, confusing, which I thought Wade would have gotten, but I do realize you got that super early. You swept it out from under him, which made- Yeah, I had to snatch that. I knew Wade was gonna come around on that one. And then you got blankiness, anger, pride, awe, Awe, Acceptance, Husty, and Boredom. Suck it Wade. Oh, yeah. I would say that overall somehow Wade got more of the pot-

Nope, he didn't. Bob, congratulations! You won this game! Well, my friends and family do call me the master of emotion, so it only makes sense that I would win a game that was about eliciting so many, such a range. It's not as easy as it seems. No, no, no, it's hard to reach the best episode ever. Is that my, is that my, wait, was that my winner speech? Yeah, I thought it was, but-

Oh, also, suck it Wade, and congratulations to me. You know, that's deserved, I thought we only had like 12 emotions on our color wheel, so whenever I had 8, I thought I had the super majority. It turns out I did not. You know, I think I've brought the best prop today. I think I brought the most confusing answers and least knowledgeable choices to go down with which to speak. And therefore, uh, L'chaim.

Alright! That might have been the most gracious loser speech Wade has ever given. I appreciate that. That makes me feel even more serene. Which you did get. Thank you. And I deserved to suck it, as Bob said. So, Bob, well played. And as a reminder, just before I relinquish, Wade, you have those two points in the future at some point. Would they let me win if I redeemed them right now? No.

How many points did you finish with? Eleven. What'd I have? Eight. God damn it, why don't I listen to this shit? You said it! You did say that in your own speech. You said, I had eight points, I thought that was a lot.

Good job past me. Okay. Okay, let's, let me out. Let's- please. His- his IQ is on a sinusoidal curve. Like, it's just really, really highly free. Ugh. Alright, well thank you everybody so much for watching the best episode extractable that anyone has seen or heard ever. Hosted by me, Markiplier.

I will unfortunately have to relinquish hosting duties to Bob who Glankenously won this episode. Thank you for being such Disapproving demusing listeners. We're I'm glad to have left you husty and bored and full of disgust check out Distractable store calm check out Bob and Wade wherever they are and have a good day podcast out even softer after crumpling