Distractible - The Bobs & The Bees

Episode Date: June 6, 2022

Mark and Wade play Daddy, teaching little Bob life lessons in only the ways they can. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listeners, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production, with your hosts, Warmongering Wade, Morrist Mark, and Beautific Bob. This week, the boisterous barbarians blather bluntly by buzzing betwixt Bob's bed and boners. Yes, it's time for the Bobs and the Bees. Get it? Please prepare thy hives and nets and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to another episode of Distractible. I'm your host today. My name is Bob.

Hi, Bob. If you listen, you probably know that. Yeah. Don't talk. Hi, Bob. Don't talk. I didn't prompt you yet. No, not yet.

Not yet. This is a show where there's rules a rules kind of it's kind of a competition i'm the host and we have two competitors as always i'm joined by the two competitors that will be competing today in the competition uh now that's your time to talk mark and wade say hello hi bob hey hey that's all i got all right that's mark and wade if you're new here basically i'm the host i have an idea or a topic of that's mark and wade if you're new here basically i'm the host i have an idea or a topic of some sort mark and wade are competing to win because whoever wins gets to host next week yes but we don't have to jump into that yet the unbridled power yeah i

mean you win the prestige the power get a staff which uh comes with a couple spells you're able to cast uh you know pretty cool pretty cool cape yeah woke type situation cool stuff and then when we surprise end the podcast on one episode that people won't even know about beforehand and it just suddenly all goes away at once the final winner who has the most wins will get the grand prize oh what's that yeah wait it is what's the grand prize oh even i don't know what the grand prize is but it's incredible it's amazing where's it kept in a secret location do you know geocaching never met oh yeah i love that's cool geocaching is cool yeah well we did geocaching by instead of actually

picking a place with gps coordinates we actually just threw it out of a plane after blindfolding both pilots did they land okay yeah does it have like national treasure style geographical and geological landmarks and indicators and things nobody knows and also to answer your question wade i don't know because that would give away if they had an idea of where they would even land and or crash that would be able to triangulate the position of the grand prize oh so someone who was blindfolded found and packaged it and then they handed it off to a blindfolded uh door guy in the plane and then two blindfolded pilots took the plane off from an undisclosed location because they were all blindfolded when they were brought to the place they're driven around in a car for some amount of time there's no idea completely disoriented

they know maybe that it's in like somewhere north america i guess probably but maybe and then the pilots were just told to fly in a random direction which they did and then the doorman was just told at some random point to randomly open the door and huck the thing out yes this is the greatest thing that's ever happened now i need to win this i know were they naked too oh everyone was naked they couldn't have phones or anything. I want this grand prize. I know. No underwear, no phones, no shirts, nothing.

You know what the best part is? What could be better? Your lip movement? The best part is that whatever it is, might be a chest, might be a suitcase, might be a case, might be a box, might be nothing. Might be no container at all. Either way, it's time locked. Much like Eunice Onnes, at a certain random time

that was randomly set anywhere between zero and 100 years in the future, it will open, simultaneously deleting every episode of Distractable that we've ever recorded, even the tester ones that never made it to air. And then it will open, and a GPS beacon will start blinking and we'll be able to find it. And given that the winner will be the only one left standing, the winner will be able to claim it. I'm sorry, when the box opens, does it kill the two losers? It doesn't kill them. Is that what you're implying?

No, no, no. It's indirect, right? So it's not killing. Is this like Final Destination where like eventually something will kill us? Well, it will kill you at the timer. Or, you know, it may not be kill. It may just purge you from existence. That sounds a lot like hill

oh we get like uh we like blipped yeah yeah well that doesn't sound so bad bob can i win please no hell no i gotta have what's in the box all right so we have inherent bias i see i rooted it out i'm not letting mark win either i want to win uh-huh well you can't let yourself win i'm the host i can do whatever i want you don't knowhuh well you can't let yourself win i'm the host i can do whatever i want you don't know technically maybe he could i don't know that's true that's true who knows he never has to let us win again mark he could just win them all from now on i do all of these podcasts blindfolded i don't even know where i am you don't need to talk to see or wait you don't you don't need to i don't know how blindfolds work we'll come we'll come find you and put one on you and do some stuff

yeah what oh god all right whatever i guess i'm gonna be blipped anyway might as well live it up i got you're just assuming the loss now well okay i just skipped the stages of grieving usually go straight to acceptance i am excited for the stretch where one of us goes completely maniacal with the host powers and actually just lets themselves win a couple of weeks in a row. It's just the same host back to back. Found to happen. We're pretty insane people. We might be.

We might be. I declared two winners once. That's probably the craziest finish we had, right? Yeah, that was a wild one. What was the result of that? I don't even remember. Didn't we co-host an episode where wayne had to just do whatever we wanted what episode is that for people listening who may not know those early that was early i can't remember i don't even

know if i even won being the only contestant i think you didn't i don't know good times good times it'll all be missed yeah it'll all be gone and then one of us will have the ultimate reward and or punishment who knows could be anything it could be might be nothing speaking of life altering events did you guys see the james webb space telescope took the first ever photo or whatever image direct guardians of the galaxy this. The black hole at the center of our galaxy. Don't mock this moment, Wade. This is too important. This is actually like some of the craziest, coolest stuff that's happened in science in

a hot minute. Okay. I don't know what James Webb is. I'm Googling it. How do you know? He's a guy. It doesn't matter who he is. He's some astronomer.

All right. What'd he do? He has a big ass space telescope. It took an image of the black hole that's keeping our galaxy together presumably it's at the center of our galaxy we have a picture of that i i'm looking i didn't know we had a black hole i thought those were bad are those good that's the the force that is keeping this galaxy as a big spinny nine-legged whatever it is i don't even know if that's the right number of legs but maybe maybe maybe it is presumably but not known not known it is not known not known that's pretty

and or apocalyptic looking it's cool did you link it or is it um do i gotta google it oh i think wade i'm not actually looking at it i looked at it for a long time today already let me open it back up here oh oh i did not see this one oh my god oh my god oh my god that looks like from warhammer 40k not to equate it to that but like any uh the eye of terror in warhammer 40k let me let me find it also looks like if i was watching jurassic park and they were holding up the amber with the mosquito in it but i wasn't wearing my glasses and i was trying to like squint from across the room i just i just linked um the first thing that came up for eye of terror and uh or hammer 40k but that picture does kind of look like it which is pretty cool the eye of terror is cool yeah anyway that happened huh yeah that's pretty sick i just last night watched

a video talking about the uh the alignment checks that they were doing and the various like cameras that they have on the telescope focus testing and how they focus and the fact that they're able to adjust the mirrors down to the nanometer like oh yeah the fact that the james webb telescope exists and was deployed and is being calibrated and stuff is a fucking miracle of modern science-y insanity. It's so beyond nuts. It's so nuts. God, the pictures that we're going to get out of that thing.

It's going to be so cool. Isn't it cool, Wade? We're all going to die. Wade, you have to agree. It's cool. Yes, it is very cool it makes me want to watch jurassic park again is that good why i guess uh because now i see the amber and i'd want to see the amber you could google a picture of the amber yeah but that's not the

same as watching the movie you could you could buy an amber i mean if james gunn or webb what's his name james webb makes a uh uh black hole movie. I'll watch Jurassic Hole or whatever he calls it. I'll watch that too. I'm sad now. I'm very sad. How did Wade take that? Well, it's supposed to be an epic moment of reverence and wonder at the crazy thing that we've gotten to take a look at for the first time ever and turn it into just sad

deflated agony probably because i'm an idiot it's just not acceptable how stupid i am i i that's what i'm that's what i'm taking out of it just pretend to be excited you don't understand how mad you're making people wade i just want you to be aware of how how long you're going to get shit for this mark i haven't known this for a decade and i still get shut up ways so i believe me if anyone understands the scope of what can happen it's me all right well it's really cool it's exciting i don't know exactly what it means why couldn't you have just said that that i wouldn't be me you could have just said that you could have just said that first and then been like, I don't really care.

Oh, God, no. It's much more fun getting under y'all's skin. Minus 1,000 points to Wade. Can we make it 1,005? Because people on the subreddit are still upset about that five points I was supposed to lose. I'm never going to correct that. I don't care. All right, cool.

Then we'll make it 1,000 even. Screw you, everyone out there. Fuck your math. You know how mad you're making everyone out there, Bob? Do you understand? No, I'm the nice one. They don't get mad at me. Damn it.

All right. Anyway, I'm the host, and I say it's time to do what I want. And what I want today is for you, competitors, to be my daddy. You know, I'll take my thousand point loss and I'll just concede this one. What? No, no, no. You have to participate. You collect, well, actually separately and unrelatedly.

Both of you today are my daddies. Well, sport, I've been looking forward to this for a very long time. All right. Well, it's not going to be as creepy as i made it sound sorry to spoil anyone but we do have five rounds four normal rounds of competition and then a lightning round to cap it all off which i'm hoping will be quite entertaining here's the premise okay you are my pop old pops and uh i am your special baby boy and we are going to go through the different stages of my development and growing up and you are going to have to handle and deliver to me at each stage

of development one of the tough delicate maybe awkward uncomfortable talks that parents have to have with their kids uh-huh and it's competition. I'm picking whose talk I like better. It could be funnier, could be better advice, could be- A question, are you going to pick based on just better things, what you think would prepare you more for the future of whatever this thing is, or funny? Are they all equal criteria? Sounds like either one.

It's anything goes. It's whichever one I end up liking more. If one of them is really funny and one of them is really good advice, whatever strikes me as the most effective one. What leaves a mental imprint on this developing mind. Yeah, I'm impressionable, okay? And I trust you because you're my parent. Trust you inherently. That'd be a good podcast name.

Impressionable. Impressionable. Oh. Trust you inherently. That'd be a good podcast name. Impressionable. Impressionable. Oh.

That's one hosted by Wade where someone else picks topics and Wade has to host and then people come on and just tell him about things and he's like, oh, okay. Yeah, that's interesting. That makes me want to watch Naked Gun. Dude, Leslie Nielsen's amazing. I could go watch that. Because you were talking about nails. And I was like, huh, Leslie Nielsen. I'm like, you understand me.

And I appreciate that about you. Yeah, well, doing it a long time. Anyway, you guys ready? You're ready to be responsible parental figures? No, but no one is, you know? And or horrifically irresponsible comedic caricatures of parental figures no but no one is you know and or horrifically irresponsible comedic caricatures of parental figures hey i have so many kids that i'm prepared i've been preparing for this moment i believe you you shouldn't let's do it

round one infant i am a newborn infant child. I am helpless. All I want from you is to be reassured. All I want from you is to feel like you love me and that I am as special as I hope I am. Obviously, I'm not conversational at this point, okay? I'm a small little baby. You're holding me in your arms. I want you to give me the speech that i think every parent gives their baby you tell me how special i am how much you love me inspire my life what what is so funny what i remembered the episode of when it's honest where me and ethan are raising that the

like teach you how to be a parent baby yeah and I just I just remembered him spinning the baby round Cuz it's like it was only funny because after I had no idea what Ethan was doing After watching it is a very pure experience of his his chaos like it was only funny because after i had no idea what ethan was doing the entire time until after watching it it's a very pure experience of his his chaos parenting anyway sorry what did you really not listen to the whole prompt i did no no i got it i got it you're a baby and we're just my my segment will be called rockabye bobby oh. Sounds like a crazy rockabilly music video. It might be. All right.

My segment will be throw everything but the baby at the wall and see what sticks. Well, Mark's got more of a reaction, I guess. I guess you would. Sure did. I don't know why that made me laugh that much i feel stupid that that made me laugh because i think wade is actually i did what i did you pictured only the baby being thrown well maybe all right throwing only the baby at the wall and seeing if it sticks father mark inspire me tell Okay. All right, baby. You listen up.

Your brain is developing. Every single thing that you see, hear, touch, interact with is going to define who you are as a human being forever more. So I don't like that kind of pressure. I'm going to just try absolutely everything possible to make you the best human that you can be. I'm going to make you into a super baby. Number one, there is a scientific study that higher levels of protein in developing countries leads to significant increases in height. Not only are you tall now, but imagine how tall you could be if you got a little more protein in your diet. So you're getting steak. I'm going to chew it up for you,

and then I'm going to spit it out. That way it's soft enough for you to eat. You get steak three times a day. Not only that eye contact, apparently eye contact is incredibly powerful for a newborn's developing brain. So you're never looking away from me for a moment. I am putting pictures of eyes on the walls, just printing out close up large eyes. So no matter where you look on every toy, your baby bottle, there's a little, you know, those little marching band, like what are they called? Where you put the mini music?

Oh, the lyre. The lyre. Oh, your baby's going to have a lyre with just like a pop-up book of eyes that you turn a page and like, eyes are going to poke out at you. Oh God. It's Beethoven and Mozart

from every room of the house, each room of the house, of which I am carrying you through, of course, because the movement and going into nature is very important. But you also have one AirPod in the right and you have a Beats Pro in the left. And there's an iPad and an iPhone putting concerto after concerto into your brain because they say and studies show that classical music does help increase the intelligence of a baby's developing brain right uh-huh i'm with you then it's essential that language development starts as early as possible which is why i'm going to have in addition to all those eyes there's going to be various tvs around the room playing kids shows from every single country on earth every language is going to be blasted into your brain from all sides.

And in addition to that, when we're out doing our hourly walks, which we do every hour on the hour, even at night, that way you can see the difference in the day-night cycle and you get enough melanin or you get enough serotonin, which will convert to melatonin so you can sleep well at night. You have still the AirPod in one and a Beats Pro in the other. And then you'll have your carriage.

If you pull it down, it'll be three different screens on top, still showing you different languages, but they're guided nature documentaries. So not only are you seeing the nature around you, but you're seeing nature from all different parts of the world. And that way you get all of this input.

You see all of these fractal patterns because there's studies that say that fractal patterns are really like the key component of nature that really entertains the brain and that's why the the human brain really likes to take walks outside because you see all these repeating patterns that way it never gets boring and then i will breastfeed you. Personally? Yes. Wow. If I were to want to sample this for science... Sorry, what? Are you asking how you can sample Mark's breast milk? Or how you could sample this lifestyle he's describing? Which one? I mean, if the second package is all inclusive

than that one but specifically the breast milk you're getting upsold on the breast milk there i mean that's fair i mean come out to la look man done i'm booking a ticket right now do they do they make those uh market plier uh shirtless mouse pads with the big bazooms where the milk actually comes out of them? I'm sure you could rig it up if you really wanted to. I'd like that to exist. Every time I go to shoot somebody in Valorant, a little lactate squirts out. It's like a 4D experience. You're going to kill the RGB goes and then the milk starts shooting

god that i just i the whole time i was just picturing the life that you were describing i just love the idea of walking into mark's house and him carrying a baby around staring just menacingly right into the baby's eyes with ipads flanking mark's face mounted on a headset thing so he's got the tv shows mark is just stomping around just like i love you i love you so much the house is just an unbearable cacophony of every sound in existence that baby's gonna be a fucking savant a savant you know a savant you it's you it's your baby no me i'm gonna be i'm a savant you're a savant i am well all right thank you you really did you threw everything you have to accept the baby you didn't throw the baby you kept your word yep thank you all right wayne until i get a scientific

study that shows chucking babies at walls is good for development then i might consider y'all better do some studies that prove that you should not employ more than one scientific study at a time or something overlapping scientific studies may have unintended consequences good god what was it what was your title wayne rock rock rockabye rockabye bobby oh that sounds consequences. Good God. What was your title, Wade? Rock-a-bye? Rock-a-bye Bobby. Oh, that sounds sweet. That sounds calming. Already, that sounds calmer than what Mark had going on.

So, my thought process is if you're an infant, what are you going to really remember from this talk other than maybe some sing-songy little lullaby? So I wrote you a little lullaby so i wrote you a little lullaby oh beautiful oh wow that hopefully will stick with you for life oh okay all right so i'm just gonna sing it to you you ready for some cringe everyone out there oh do it

on the treetop Mommy is dead but you still have pops Now that she's gone the money go by So sleep little Bobby so Papa

can cry And when you wake Pa will still be sad. So grow up and deal, cause that's life with dear dad. Wow. That's your first lifeless. I'll take my L, Bob. I'll take my L Bob wow i am stunned i'm really fucking yeah complaint rhymes and everything there's a whole how did you very good at taking pre-existing songs and changing the lyrics so whenever i saw the opportunity i ran with it

yeah no i mean mark i really liked your vision, but... Oh, no, it's fair. That's Wade's round. Yeah, no, I get it. I understand now. Oh, shit. It's going to take me a minute to recover from that. You guys can find that on Spotify right next to our podcast one day, maybe. Probably not.

Someone out there, please edit that into a song. Put some nice strings with that or piano or something. I know one of you out there is talented enough to make that absolutely slap. Oh, my God. Well, we absolutely should because if people have been looking at the YouTube channel, they might by now notice a change. We've moved to highlights and that'll be a great one, and I think that could be an animation pretty easily.

I think I said it to you guys. Did you guys see the Butthole Sun version of the Soundgarden song? I did, yeah. I saw the one on the subreddit where it's just you with the corners. If they can get that together, that's going to be it. Butthole Sun. Butthole Sun. Butthole son. I even sang all this in their Ikea.

I was pretty proud of myself. Unless they totally fixed that. Wade, you win. You win the infant round. Yay. That was beautiful. That actually made me tear up. From laughter, not from how touching it was, but also kind of sweet.

That was, you know, very real. It'll stick with you for life some i hope to god not but i the odds are pretty good that some single dad out there you started singing and he was like oh i could use this oh god and it hit like you just like described like punched him right in his soul and he's oh god ah why wait what are we doing what did i do to you i'm just gonna avoid this subreddit for a couple weeks why is this dad aging like he's dying because wade ripped his soul from his being and poured sadness all over like the song hits you like that indiana jones when you drink the wrong goblet? He just starts aging. His skin starts falling off.

The song hits you like you're a Nazi looking into the warehouse where the Ark of the Covenant is stored. The Ark of the what? The Card of the Covenant. The Ark of the Covenant. The Ark of the Covenant. Come on, man. Come on. We've all seen that in Indiana.

In B.M. Jones. In B.M. Bones. Come on, In B. In B. Bones. seen that indiana imby amma jones yeah of course imby amma bones imby and the bones come on imby imby bones wow please oh okay okay okay uh good round wait around wait around one wait around okay wait around hell yeah uh round two toddler i'm uh i'm a precocious little scamp I'm starting to crawl And maybe hold myself up on the edge of the couch And waddle around a little bit I'm really starting to be a real handful here I'm getting cranky

Having moods Maybe I'm talking, maybe I'm not Communicating a little bit And you know what? I was at daycare And we were all just hanging out, doing stuff And I just took my pants off Because I was like, pants And everyone was like whoa what's that i was like what do you mean that's my my little peepee and all the girls were like what what is that and it was this whole thing and i was like

why why what why do they why am i different what's up why is my body different what happened am i okay is other people's bodies different what's the deal with my body different what happened am i okay is other people's bodies different what's the deal with that please explain to your toddler how bodies are all different and special and then mine is just fine and i'm fine and i'm healthy and i've got a special little peepee uh okay all right on my wheel of uh things i thought I might talk about today, toddler peepees was not on the list, but here we are. It doesn't have to be about the reproductive organ. It could be about how bodies are just different. Some kids are tall, short, fat, skinny, whatever. Just tell me that I'm, you know, it's OK. I'm special. My body is OK. Affirm me.

OK. All right. You don't have to do titles. I don't know. I guess I'll leave it up to you guys. I don't care either way. Do you want to alternate who goes first? So like this time, Wade gets first track? Yeah, sure. Or do you want to do the title thing? No, we could alternate. That'd be fair, I suppose.

Wade had a real come from behind victory on the first one, I've got to say. Thank you. Thank you. Fair is fair. So you can title if you want, Wade, but you can also just have a crack. I told you they might be awkward. No, you're right. I'm just thinking about how I want to approach this i might i might just need like a minute here

to gather my thoughts if that's all right okay well well you know kids are just curious kids this is the point where kids are starting to establish the idea of self the idea that they are they are a person everyone else is a person they're just kind of curious don't teach me body negativity teach me body positivity that's what we're going for here all right all right so i'm just going to call this i guess if i've heard new titles i'm going to call it look over there that sounds ominous look at the rabbits look at the rabbits you contend the rabbits now look now look over there sorry look over there. Look over there. Sorry, look over there.

It's me loading a shotgun, guys. Is that a reference to an ad that we recorded for an episode that came out weeks ago? Yes, it is. To a pit that may or may not have even made it into the ad? Yes, yes it is to a pit that may or may not have even made it into the ad yes yes it is you know yeah you have to really get a hold of the distractible bts to fully get a grasp of all of our shenanigans that exists that doesn't exist that's that's a joke for the real hard listeners those that listen the hardest even beyond the episode itself. Listen into the ether.

Some amount of listeners were like, oh, I love that ad. And you know we have those listeners. I know you're out there, you detail-oriented enjoyers of... Anyway, Wade. All right. I want to look over there. Tell me about it. All right. Look over there, Bob.

Do you see that puppy? How that puppy's real curly with its fur and kind of small compared to the one next to it, the big white one with the black spots? Mm-hmm. So some puppies are different than other puppies, just like some people are different from other people. Look over there. Do you see that dad with his child and how that child has a lollipop and you don't? Mm-hmm. See? Sometimes we're just a little bit different. You see, look over there.

You see how that daddy has hair, but you've stressed all of mine out. So this daddy is bald. Sometimes we just have to accept that we're different from one another. Just like you're different from some of your classmates. Do you see how you're wearing a potato sack, but some of your other friends have shirts how you're wearing a potato sack but some of your other

friends have shirts and pants that zip up and have buttons i feel like you're using different to mean better or worse not always but it can are you saying that we're worse than them dad well in some ways probably but in other ways better nobody's perfect son and you have to accept that you're flawed well how are we better than them uh because we believe we're better and that's really all that matters it's a mindset now look over there do you see how mommy and daddy over there with their child are going over to the playground we used to do that back when we still had mommy but now we're different son oh my god and that can be better too is it better it is on the nights where you have step mommy come in even though step mommy might be different five different

days a week i don't like this talk i'm i'm curious anymore. Oh, sorry. I was channeling something else. What were we talking about? What? Uh, yeah. Uh, but, you know, maybe if we go and get you that new toy you wanted and that not all of your friends have yet, you'll have something different and better. But sometimes different doesn't have to be better or worse. Like, look over there. You see how, uh, you have glasses and, uh, that toddler doesn't? That's just something different. So I'm better because you have glasses and that toddler doesn't?

That's just something different. So I'm better because I have glasses and he doesn't? Well, it depends. Sometimes it's better to have glasses. Sometimes it's worse. Sometimes it's neutral. Just depends on what you're doing. Glasses really aren't something that's better or worse.

You see how you kind of have curly hair and that toddler has hair that's straight? That's a difference that's not really better or worse. It's just different. Okay. I think I'm getting it. We're sad, but also we're better than people. Those usually go hand in hand, I think. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Good messaging, Dan. I feel better. Now when CPS shows up, we just say that we're good and smile. God. Jeez. Man. shows up, we just say that we're good and smile. God, jeez. Man. You all right, man? Doing all right?

I shouldn't be allowed to do this. You okay, man? Is this some kind of reaching out for attention situation? God, jeez. It's about to be light-hearted i just want to throw that out there i just really enjoy dark humor i'm sorry i really set the tone with my song and i can't get out of the dark despair pit look over there uh well i my story's gonna bring a real light-hearted spin to this yeah no turn turn this sad train around all right that's how trains work i call left i call this life lesson the

biological nightmare that is you so i love it oh no little bobby bobby you had a rough day didn't you hmm uh-huh yeah you were looking around, everyone saying you're different, there's different, there's different. None of that really matters, you know? What? Why? But they said it. I'll tell you why. Do you know why you're even sad in the first place? Um, no. It's because your emotions are dictated by neurotransmitters in your brain that are carrying chemical signals to other neurons in your brain that reflect in a feedback loop to allow you to feel sad.

But even sadness is an evolutionary advantage that creates sympathy among other humans and they see sadness and in turn they reflect that sadness within themselves and create a feeling called pity. And that allows people to have outreach and have sympathy for each other and to help people you know what i mean i feel like we just web md'd two different ways to help a toddler and they're both like the worst approach no no no no this is good bob have you ever heard of the ship of theseus no no i've never heard that ah well the ship of theseus it's a thought experiment, you know, and the whole concept of a thought experiment is just rogue electrical signals in our brain that echo from one mind to another.

We'll cover that another day. But the ship of Theseus is basically this ship. You know a ship. You like a big ship, right? Yeah, I love boats. Boats are cool. A boat, right? It's made of wood or metal or whatever, right?

You following? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Big boat. So if you have the ship of Theseus, right? It's old. You know, you ever seen like an old wagon, the paint's chipping off of it, you know? So maybe the one, the wheels are falling off, right?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So you have this giant boat about 40 feet long. One of the boards off the starboard bow start to uh erode the sea just kind of like digging into it a little bit it's leaking so you replace that board right you replace that board wouldn't you replace that board yeah you don't want to sink you know a boat

to sink absolutely you replace that board and then you replace another board that guy you saw it was another one was kind of corroded had some mold on your place that one sure then you replace another you know you got to keep this ship in ship shape it's got to be in ship shape right right champ that's what it is yeah yeah yeah so you keep replacing it you keep replacing it you know you keep replacing and replacing and you replace this oh that the steering wheel the big uh the big wheel on the top you know that's not looking so good although the sail is not looking so good oh you, the sail's not looking so good. Oh, you know, the mast, you know, maybe replace that. Put that there.

You know what? Why not just replace every piece? Replace every piece. You almost got like a brand new boat, right? Yeah. Right? I like a new boat. Now, is that boat still the same boat that you had before?

Still the ship Aethesius? I mean, it's the same boat we've been on the whole time i guess right that's the exact yes you're so smart that might as well be the ship of bob isius if you know what i'm saying right no so think about that with yourself you're actually a collection of individual cells that are constantly dying they're fighting an eternal war against other single cell organisms that are trying to kill you at all times. So when you think about your body as a holistic being and another person's body as a whole being, it's not really true. All those little cells are like little boards of wood,

you know, that you replace on the ship of Theseus. If your body was the ship, you replace those, replace them. They die all the time. You've got millions dying in you right now you don't even notice you don't even worry about that they're dying and fighting and screaming and dying but you replace them yeah and you just keep doing that in about seven years every single cell in your body will be replaced now are you still the same bob i guess yeah of course because you think you are right does that mean i am though just Just because I think I am? That's the question. Oh. Now the other question is if you in this brain, which is really the seat of who you are, if we were to just like carve open your skull, pull that brain right out and at one of

those bullies in your class, you know, you just like carve open the head, pop off the top of the skull and you just swap brains in there. You just swap brains. Then suddenly you're in their body and they're in your body. Are you really still Bob? I don't think I would feel like me. Interesting. At least you would understand where they're coming from.

And they would understand where you're coming from. So you're saying that I could become the bully. You could. That's your choice. I want to be a bully that's my boy oh look it didn't expect the green light on that one i feel like we've reached that part of the episode where we realize why none of us are parents yet a perfect conclusion that's my boy that's my boy that's my boy. That's my boy. That's my boy. Or is it?

If only we could have replaced Mommy like we could replace the boards in the ship. Are you feeling good, Bobby? God. Uh-huh. I gotta say, if it was consistency of theme, it'd definitely go in Wayne's direction. But I think the sadness was not outweighed by the the comic relief of it all i think it was too sad for me this time i think i think this toddler

years go mark's way yeah well you know life doesn't always let you choose when you get to be happy or sad bobby but that's fine wow okay calm down no no you see it doesn't matter because you're just a meat puppet! That's the truth of it all, the difference in bodies or whatever! It's a collection of cells. I just imagine Bully Bobby like beating someone up like it doesn't matter if you're sad, you're just a collection of cells that'll change. Your bruise will fall off.

This is how Godric the Grafted in Elden Ring got started. Like it's whole body's mine. Oh! I am the king! It's perfect. Makes sense, makes sense. Elden Ring got started. Like, it's all about his smile. Yo! I am the king! It's perfect. Makes sense. Makes sense. That's my boy.

That's my boy. That really brought it home. We hit him with the old, that's my boy. That's my boy. Oh, man. What's the next stage of life if we get there ruined? Man, this is quite the journey. I feel like I'm growing up. I have to be honest.

I feel like I'm going, I'm experiencing things and learning about myself this is more vulnerable than i thought this would be but somehow less realistic than i thought it was when you got parents like us that's my that's my that's my mistake that's my naivety that's my mistake but still you know we can i feel like i'm learning things we're learning things uh okay well it's tied one to one next round boys all right i have decided to break it up now basically by school because i don't know what ages kids are called and i don't know what ages kids the next one is like primary school okay this is like elementary school i'm thinking like third fourth fifth grader maybe i'm annoying as shit right now. I think I'm hot stuff.

I'm learning swear words. I'm throwing rocks at other kids on the playground because I'm an a-hole. All kinds of stuff. I'm learning how to be social. Okay. And you know what? In class the other day, we were doing show and tell.

David got up and he didn't bring anything for show and tell, but he told us that his parents told him that he is going to have a new baby sister. And that made me think, how does that work? Where do babies come from? You know, where did I come from? Where did you guys get me? Did you like buy me at the store?

Like a baby store? Or like, how does that? So I'm just like curious, you know, and I'm talking to everyone about it in public. It's cool. I'm like, how do babies work? And everyone's like, oh, you better ask your dad. And so I just thought I should ask you, dad, where do babies come from? What's with that?

So, you know, you can go whatever route you want with this. I'm a believer. I will believe whatever you tell me. I just want to feel reassured and feel like I understand. Because David's going to have a new sister, and I hope they didn't steal her from some other family. I hope they got her, you know, got her themselves or however. I don't know.

I just want to understand, you know. I just want to feel confident, feel affirmed, and feel like you are explaining the world to me i can stall more if you guys need more time no no it's totally fine i've got ideas already but i think i'm going second this time right yeah so mark you get first dibs yeah yeah i'll take first dibs okay hey bob bobby boy have a seat have a seat have a seat yeah come on have a seat. Have a seat. Have a seat. Come on. Have a seat. Okay. Have a seat. All right. Okay.

So I heard from your teacher that you were asking some questions that the teacher was legally not allowed to disclose to you. Given the laws of the current state, I'm going to bail on this one. I'm going to bail on that. No, I love that bit. That's perfect. I love that. Don't bail. Oh, man all right yeah uh given the the laws currently implemented in the state that we're in uh was not legally allowed to

answer the questions for you so i have taken it upon myself to create a slideshow presentation to guide you through this process but but why don't you just ask me? Ask me anything. Ask me anything to start it off. I've got a whole thing here, but I want to hear from you. I'm just curious, where do babies come from and what are they made of? Excellent question. Excellent question. Have you heard of the ship of Theseus?

You know, I have a memory of that. Almost like a fever dream from earlier in my life but i think so yeah good good okay all right so a baby uh think of it like a ship you like ships right yeah ships are cool yeah so so but instead of a built ship you gotta you gotta like build a ship at some point right it it starts from nothing sure in the shipyard but an idea it's an idea of a thing right yeah okay so um let's think of the ship yard as um uh a penis right you know what a penis is ah yeah my penis is a shipyard let's just think of it that way okay this is our there's a world of imagination right now okay all right so the uh shipyard is looking at let's say the ocean

think of the ocean as what's called a vagina let me just show you the slide of a vagina and you probably haven't seen one this is a vagina right uh you see the clitoris the clitoral hood the mons pubis you've got the labia minora and majora right where hmm what is where is where is that don't worry i have one of those this is just so you think of the ocean when you look at this think of the ocean okay you're looking at this think of the ocean you know the ocean with the waves and splashing all around right oh okay don't think of it uh let me go now to the penis right now this is a penis that's not what mine looks like that's okay don't worry it's um uh don't worry about it right now yeah so okay you see this is the shaft this is the cavernosa uh majorum this is the

perineum here uh you have the glands, you know, the foreskin. Well, depending. I mean, another story for another day. Okay. All right. But I really want you to focus down here on what are known as the testicles, right? Okay. Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. But again, don't think of this. Think of a shipyard. Okay. This is a shipyard. And in a shipyard, you have a bunch of people running around, right? Yeah. The people that actually like build the ship. Okay.

All right. Shipwrights. Yeah. Yeah. Shipwrights. Sure. Yeah. Shipwrights.

Very good. Very good. Okay. I know stuff. And let's just assume that one day the shipyard got really drunk. Okay. They had a party. Woo.

Yeah. You know? Okay. Sure. Do you know what that is? You don't know what that is. Okay. Anyway. I know what a party is. They had a party. Ooh. Yeah. You know? Okay. Sure. Do you know what that is? You don't know what that, okay. Anyway. I know what a party is.

They had a party. That sounds fun. Yeah. Yeah. They had a party. They had a party at say, let's say a ski lodge or something like that. Okay. There's a ski lodge in the shipyard.

Got it. Yeah. And then there was a beach where the ocean was um there okay ski ski beach got it exactly okay so um one of these shipwrights was looking at the ocean and the ocean was looking at the shipwright and they locked eyes and they were like oh yeah you know okay he likes the ocean then the shipyard decided well it wasn't really a decision okay ordinarily shipyards they have a safety precautions known as osha um uh but you know let's just say that osha failed at this moment in time sure and uh one of these shipwrights started getting really really productive okay and built a ship okay more like okay imagine there was a glowing ethereal orb in the middle of the shipyard

that was birthed from the ocean and then the shipwright was like this is my hole it's meant for me and dove headfirst into that glowing ethereal alien orb and merged into being part of the dna from the shipwright and part of the dna from this orb which there was inside of it emerged together and then that started building a boat okay yeah sure and then that's like a man boat yeah exactly exactly except that the shipwright was like melted as he entered into it so the entire being that was the shipwright kind of like dissolved and all that was left was the primordial goo within him okay so then this boat starts growing and growing and growing and then one day in a cataclysmic, extremely painful, catastrophic, bloody event was launched. You ever seen a ship launch before?

Yeah, it kind of slides in and makes a big splash. Yeah, big splash, but pretty big because you're pretty small, right? I am small. OK, I'm going to show you this next slide. This is in the middle of a childbirth. OK, now you'll see. Yeah, you'm going to show you this next slide. This is in the middle of a childbirth. Okay? Now you'll see. Huh?

Yeah. You'll see the head is starting to emerge. It's a boat. It's a boat. Which part is the boat? The head is the boat. The vagina is the ocean, and it's called birthing a boat. Uh-huh.

It looks like somebody's dying no sometimes sometimes if if let's say like uh the boat gets stuck and doesn't get enough water i'll bearp i gotta eat alcohol for the rest of this normally it's fine and this boat is you oh that's where babies come from okay oh okay yeah and now i'm gonna this is a slide of a ship like launching torpedoes i had a bunch of different analogies here's a cannon like blasting off the starboard bow well those are cool i like them uh this is a uh a scene from big booties nine um wait and here's another boat um shooting a rocket there's a rocket i come back to big booties no and um you know i think that uh you got any more questions i think i might have answered them all i don't want to ask any more questions all right ever doors always open no questions about anything ever okay all right well doors always open i love you i hate you oh so wait so just to clarify did you just show me a picture of my own birth

after telling me the story about how i'm an accident because the condom broke and also in your metaphor does the baby grow in the penis look look if you had only asked a few feels from the ocean into the penis. And then the baby is birthed out of the penis. Look, look, if you had only asked a few clarifying questions, I would have been able to clarify the information for you. The baby is stored in the balls. Right. I love when mommies come and they go and plant their eggs in the daddies.

Oh, shit. Uh-huh. Well, I'm really curious. You know Dragon Ball Z, how Cell, you know Cell, how he has the tail that like absorbs the other androids and stuff? I just imagine the penis opening up and sucking in the egg. Oh, God. you didn't need to say anything man that is possibly the most real level of awkward discomfort and metaphorical inaccuracy you could have achieved mark thank you like that talk has been had i feel like you

stole that from somewhere yeah you know from that the talk you got? No, no, no. No, no, no, no. My dad bought a book. Damn. Well, that was a whole journey, a nautical journey. Yep. I got to follow that up somehow. All right.

What's yours called, Wade? Like making Kool-Aid. Something about that I don't like and I can't describe it. Uh, what's yours called, Wade? Like making Kool-Aid. Oh, yeah. Ew. Oh. Ew. Something about that I don't like, and I can't describe it. Go, I guess. All right. Yeah.

So, Bobby, sometimes when two parents, in our case, a mommy and daddy, decide to have a baby, they have to make the baby. Kind of like how, you know how we make kool-aid and we have a pitcher of water and then we'll mix the sugar and the kool-aid together and then we put it in the water and stir it up you know okay well it's very similar mommies have the pitcher of water and daddies supply the kool-aid and sugar mix now some people they like to just take the sugar and kool-aid mix and eat it straight up some people swallow it some people spit it right out how does that make a baby that doesn't aid in making a full pitcher of kool-aid oh okay so you have to uh take the the mix and you have

to connect it with the pitcher of water and stir it up and give it some time to sit and maybe you know and for kool-aid you refrigerate it for mommies and babies you don't typically put them in the fridge where does mom keep the pitcher of water? In her tummy. Just below her tummy, really. There's a pitcher of water just sitting there waiting for that Kool-Aid mix. In her butt? No, not in her butt. But, you know, the general area like between the tummy and where like your hips are. There's just a little storage area right there waiting for Kool-Aid so that a baby can be growing and then born a few months later. Oh, how does sugar and Kool-Aid so that a baby can be growing and then born a few months later. Oh, how does sugar and Kool-Aid mix make a baby?

Well, it's not exactly the same. It's just a simpler way of explaining it. So eventually, you know, you're probably going to have a class and school that goes over this and more details, but I'm happy to answer any of the questions you have this was just kind of a simple explanation i didn't want to get too into it right now being as you're still kind of young but if you have questions i'll answer them so if i drink a bunch of water and then eat a bunch of kool-aid mix because you said some people like to swallow it um will i have a baby in me no you'll probably just have a tummy ache and then maybe vomit.

What if I put it in my butt? Then will I have a baby? No, then you'll just have a wet and probably we only have red Kool-Aid so probably a red butthole. No baby. That sounds kind of funny. It would be pretty funny.

Is that how you made me? Am I a Kool-Aid baby? Based on some of the questions you have it sounds like maybe, but no. Do you know how when you wake up in the morning and you're kind of groggy and you get out of bed and you're rubbing your eyes, but you still feel like you're half asleep and the world doesn't really fully make sense yet? Sure.

So mommy and daddy had some adult drinks one night and we felt that way. And then we made some decisions that led to you when we were feeling kind of groggy. We made Kool-aid just late at night completely by accident why don't either of you have kids on purpose what is this what's happening look who you're talking to this is mark and i we don't have kids man i know this is a theoretical world we don't understand the child mindset it's allowed to be all right that's fine unlike yancy and he, we want to be free. High five, Mark? High five?

High five. Want to watch Big Booty's 9? Big Booty's 9! All right, well, now that I've learned that I was an accident in two different ways, I guess I have no further questions, father. Fathers. Well, I'm only asking one of you right now. Okay.

Do you have any more explanation you got big booties 10 you know after after the uh glorious explanation that was uh other daddy's explanation i feel like i don't have much more base to cover here i feel like we've covered it all well you're not allowed to take credit for his what do you want me to give you points for mark's efforts exactly what i want yeah oh well that's fair if if that's how you would like to do it then you get however many points i was going to give mark thank you uh plus three which means that technically the third round goes to wade i guess hey wait thank you hey fair's fair that seems patently unfair but fair's fair mark what if i get what if i get

double what he got no well you should have included that in your initial proposition yeah you're right you're right and in the most possibly the most unfair decision yet uh especially given the fact that wade is supposed to have five less points than he does have uh just in general in life than the negative one thousand that i just started with uh yeah i guess w Wade wins that round. Each round was worth 10,000 points, by the way. Hey! I feel this is unfair. Which means that Mark won the second round,

but Wade won the first and third round, and Wade is currently ahead by like 9,000 points. A little less than 9,000 points. Tight race. Tight race. I actually did have a middle school round, but these answers have been very thorough and thoughtful, points. Tight race. Tight race. I actually did have a middle school round, but these answers have been very thorough and thoughtful and

thought-provoking. So I think we're going to skip middle school. Middle school sucks anyway. It's a hard time. It's a pain in the ass. Kids are annoying. We're going to skip straight to the high school lightning round. Okay. All right. Lightning round. So quick answers. All right. Yeah yeah so the idea here

is i have a number of prompts i would like an answer in like two sentences okay quick so no time to think two sentences got it whatever comes up first i'm in high school you're sick of me at this point it's been 16 17 years of this shit you're tired of me when i come to you with a problem you just rattle off whatever pops in your head and get back to what you were doing because you want me out of the damn house you want me to move away this is easy for me get a job this is the lightning round because you're sick of it and i'm so i'm i'm first first and then mark will be first for the next lightning question so on and so forth right yes this is my turn okay all right got it so lightning

round yeah wait yeah i really want to ask this girl to the dance but i can't get her alone and the guys say i have to do something crazy and i don't really want to do a whole thing i just wanted to ask her what do i do run up to her ask her basically just scream in her face be like hey will you go to the dance with me i really like you we can make kool-aid together eventually maybe and then see what she says all right mark stuff yourself in her locker is that the full plan that's the full plan don't say anything when she opens it just be in there ask her when she opens it god damn i love that mark wins hiding round two uh i turned in an essay and the teacher said i didn't

read the book but i did and then they hate me teacher hates me. They give me really unfair grades, and I hate them. And I want to get them fired. What do I do? Mark. Uh, just all of it's murder. I can't. Yeah, don't. Anything but murder.

Okay. I'm not going to kill the teacher. Don't give that advice to your child. Okay. All right. Release a greased pig inside of the principal's office with the teacher's name written on it. I don't know what that would accomplish, but it sounds very effective. The principal will think that the teacher put the pig in there because the teacher's name is on it.

Oh, I see. I see. Brilliant. All right. Wade, what do you got? Advise me. All right. No need to be petty.

Don't hold grudges. What you need to do is drop out of school and become the best drug dealer you can to really get back at them. I'm taking a sip of a drink. That was my mistake. I really like the grease up pig, but I think Wayne wins that one. All right. Lightning round three. Wade, you go first.

Yep. I have discovered that i love pottery i just want to sit at a wheel and throw bots and mugs and plates and i want to just i want to just make pottery but all the guys are making fun of me what do i do except that they're right that there's no future for you in pottery you need something that'll make you a lot of money forget about what you like and just go for cash okay thanks dad uh mark what do you got make pots large enough to fit them in uh put them in the kiln cook your friend well they're not really your friends if they're making fun of you are they make fun of this losers they're not very nice that would show them you know what

wades is a long game but for the immediate and satisfaction that mark's advice provides i think mark wins that one thank you thank you be very satisfying all right wade murder is always the answer as we say it's always it's always the best thing uh wait you're up first this time no mark you're first this time mark mark mark so there's this nerdy kid at school and like i think he's cool but he is kind of nerdy and all my friends just like make fun of him they like kick him and push him and they throw his books on the ground and they want me to join in they think i'm i'm a narc or something they're trying to pressure me to bully this kid but i think he's he's fine what do i do oh yeah uh uh do they have glasses some of them yeah no the nerd the nerd has glasses yeah take the glasses

off instantly uh will be cool oh save the nerd interesting interesting approach wait what do you got well shit i was gonna say that so i guess i'll give the opposite advice you beat the fuck out of that nerd teach him a lesson teach them that life's not kind to you no matter who you are what you know life's not being the strongest That's not advocating in favor of bullying Okay, but beat them up too far Nobody suffers psychological anguish from a murder where do we draw the line on this show all right wait you get first crack at this one so no one's gonna steal your answer oh good uh dad everyone tells me i smell bad what do i do shower i do

shower shower better use soap because god you do. You smell awful. Oh, Mark, Dad? Better advice? Start a large misinformation campaign about COVID. It'll eliminate their sense of smell. Remember when I started off as the one with the dark storm? Oh, shit. I guess Mark wins for being just the worst influence I could imagine in an entire world. What the fuck? All right.

Mark is officially up by one now. I had a thousand point comeback? Hell yeah. Yeah. All right. All right. Well, Mark, you get first crack at this one. Uh-huh.

Mark, Dad. Dad, Mark. My shoes aren't cool. Everyone says that they're stupid. I need new shoes now. now okay we'll go to the store then oh you're just gonna give me new shoes yeah if you want new shoes of course i'll buy you shoes son oh okay i was expecting pushback all right cool wade dad what about my shoes i need new ones i know this really cool group of clowns they parachute in they've got like really amazing

weapons so we'll call them we'll have them parachute down they're gonna look so amazing that your shoes that are kind of clown shoes are gonna be cool by default after they see the clown jump in okay well i thought that was going in a murdery direction i appreciate the a-team style i pity the fool who doesn't wear clown shoes approach, I guess. And Mark just folded. Mark was just going to give me what I wanted after I started. I guess Wade wins. Clowns have it. That's fair.

That's fair. That sounds kind of impractical. But if you have the connection to the clowns. I do. It's based on a really early episode of Distractible. That's actually from that 1996 movie. Oh, for fuck's sake. Oh, God.

One more. Wade, you get the final crack at the last one dad uh becky invited me to go on a spring break trip with her family her uncle has a condo in um daytona beach and he'll be there so he'll like be you know it's like a chaperone um so can i go to florida for spring break with Becky and some friends? Yeah, you can. Take condoms just in case. And make sure the uncle's sleeping if you decide to fool around. Oh, shit. Got the cool dad.

All right, Mark, what do you got? Have you ever heard of the ship of Theseus? Oh my god, damn it. You fucking know I have. What about it this time? right here's big booties nine you go get them lightning round i thought you were gonna explain the whole fucking thing that was so thoughtfully set up earlier in the episode exactly so that you could use it as a reference in the lightning round you just packed so much knowledge into one sentence that one goes to mark thank you well done which i believe means, you guys, that Mark won.

Wait. Mark wins the lightning round. Hey! Okay, that's just the lightning round. Who wins the overall round? Wouldn't you know it that the lightning round is worth whatever the exact number of points it is for Wade to still win by one point? Negative 1,000? Is that what it was? Because the song that you done sung.

Yeah, no, it's going to be worth negative points. It's whatever. I don't care. The song that Wade sung, the lullaby that he wrote for baby Bobby, it's going to haunt my nightmares forever. Oh, so what you're saying is from that moment in the very beginning of the podcast you had decided the winner and everything else was moot wade wade wade started off by building an enormous lead that was completely secret and only in my mind and you had the entire rest of the episode to overcome it

and you almost did almost yes almost you ever heard of the ship of Theseus, Mark? Maybe if you had not pieced yourself back together throughout the episode, but just been the original you. Oh, wait, you know what? Wade's winning by one point, but I forgot like six episodes ago, I was going to deduct five points from Wade's score. Oh, God damn you. All right, how about, you know what?

I have to, because people have brought it up. I have to do it. I know I swore I'd never do this, but Wade, you actually lose five points, which means that Mark wins by four. There's never been a bigger tease in my life. Hey, all right. I'll take it. Thank you. And justice has been served this day for that imbalance.

This is the strip club of episodes. You're just dangling your boobies in my face and I can't touch. You can still come to LA, man. I'm stopping you. Anyway, congratulations, Mark. Hey, thank you. You have a winner's speech. Are you excited?

Are you happy? I just want to ask everyone at home, have you heard of the ship of theseus um it's no no no no uh thank you to everyone who believed in me party at my house i got big booties 10 we're gonna have a great time can't wait for 11 to come out wait do you have a loser speech yeah rockabye wait he's still on this show i thought i won but then bobby said no so now i'm sad i guess i'll leave i'm crying real tears i'll wipe on my sleeve and you're really good at that he's really good at that thanks you go on some kind of competitive comedic show. I bet you could win. Next episode, I think it'll be like a lullaby off. Oh, God, no.

I already lose that. Are you kidding? Oh, shot, dude. All right. Anyway, well, thank you, competitors, for competing. Congratulations, Mark. And, you know, consolations, Wade. You tried.

And honestly, you earned the win. You just didn't receive the win. That's going to be it. Thank you so much for listening. Listeners, make sure you're subscribed to this podcast. Hit the plus sign or the bell or the follow, you know, whatever. And every Monday, new episodes of Distractible. Also, make sure you check out our merch.

Store.distractiblepodcast.com is probably the right URL, I'm guessing. Oh, I really don't remember that. And check us out on our socials. Markiplier, LordMinion777, me, MySkirm. We stream, we have social media, all that sort of stuff. Thank you so much for listening. Real quick, real quick, viewers. Can you do us a solid and just get one or two of your friends,

family to listen to the podcast? Force them to download, listen to the podcast. Spread the word. Tell them that you've got a life-changing song that they need to hear. Performed by a sad man with a sad life. Oh. I mean, not the life you were portraying. Oh, okay.

I thought you were just reading one of the social commentary on my life, and I was rethinking everything. That's the most savage. Anyway, Wade sucks, and the episode is over that's that's where I'm leaving it thank you so much

for listening podcast out