Distractible - The Election Episode

Episode Date: November 18, 2024

Distractible: America's #1 trusted news source brings you all of the exclusive and unbiased coverage you need for the 2024 presidential election. Pig orgasms. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Magnific Mark, Mrs. Nick's Legs, Quits Gambling, Wonders About the Clues, and Allegious Elon Annihilated Antartica. Bunny Loving Bob has Ornithological Baurum Observations, Mirage Big Boy for Renter Ears, and P's Geometric Shap weariful Wade touts Viagra for droopy, gore's big Al, and outspider pig scientific standings, from fapsessions to horny hogs. Yes! It's time for the election episode. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Welcome, everyone, to a very somber, distractible, a very serious distractible.

You know when like a PBS show would come in and there would not be the happy-go-lucky music and all the bright color for opening it, it would just be some guy sitting there, hey, listen, things are all explodey right now and well, we're here to just tell you it's okay in the scariest way possible That's what I'm trying to do right here. It's working cuz yeah I was like man only than the worst of events to remember it being like that

This is the time three weeks later from when the day that it is because we're so far ahead in our recordings because we're Such efficient efficient boys that we are on the pulse of the news and we here are with Distractibles live election result discussion. I voted today. Wow. I did too. I'm just a show-off I brought another shirt in case we didn't want to date the episode. No, we're dating Good what a crazy election it will be and was and is. The results of which resound across all time. Even here in the future past. Isn't this just the future future?

No, we're in the past of their future. We're in the past of our own future for their present. Ow. How did you hurt yourself? You're sitting at a desk. I'm fine. Don't worry. Okay.

Listen, my name is Markiplier. Or maybe it's not anymore. I don't know who I'll be in this future present coexistence that we have. The changes that we're going to affect to the future will ripple. And this will be the only surviving message from a past that no longer exists because the future that you're listening to this branched off from a causality effect that broke the universe. Wow. The only two surviving members of the human race along with me from this branch of the timeline are Bob and Wade.

Is this like Interstellar? Exactly like Interstellar. Okay. No, I understand what's happening now then. Oh, that's really awkward that the knocking on the wall came during a fap session then No! No! Sorry Don't go! Don't do it!

I don't know if that joke will make the cut Why wouldn't it? Why wouldn't it make the cut? I don't know, that's pretty raunchy even for me This is a selective show mark What do you mean? Why wouldn't it now Bob will sing a rendition of wet-ass pussy? Is that song and now? Baltimore will sing a rendition of wet-ass pussy. There's some holes in this house There's some holes in this house is some holes in this house. Yeah, who's in the house?

It's it's important for us to say I hope Baltimore has gotten his channel back by now because once again finger on the pulse this is very far in the future but also it's right now balder mart apparently has been super hacked which sucks it's fixable though as long as the right people start doing the right things well I sent a message because I have a contact to YouTube and you know he's very nice and he's very good I'm trying to call him on or anything I said like hey Baltimore channels have been hacked and also was Twitter But you can't you can't really do anything about that and they're like, okay. Well, well escalate it. All right

He should be getting a reset email very soon and I go Yeah, I think his email has been compromised guys cuz it's kind of Google and YouTube's the same email Email's been compromised guys, cause it's kinda Google and YouTube's the same email that you have for that thing. Yeah, anyway, I think they're gonna fix that. Ignore the flashing lights on my face, what the fuck? Mark, I think the rave is leaking in from behind the camera. I'm remote desktopping into three computers and they're installing things so they're just... Ah, reboot system, it was done, okay. That's weird, you're still doing that in the future, past.

Look, I'm trying to save the preserve our timeline. The work that I'm doing right now is what keeps our psychic waveforms preserved as they go forward into time. The signal denig, den, den, de, de, de, de, pfft. Are you trying to say denigration or degradation? Yes, that's one.

Yes, degradation is what I was saying. The Dagobah system? The signal Dagobah. It's from Dagobah. It's coming from the Dagobah system. It is. Is it accelerating or something? I don't know.

Pretend I said something good. Oh. Yes, it's true. Yeah. How are you guys in the future past? Being that I know now that we are in the future past, it explains a lot why I feel the way that I do, because I feel like I am, was in the now, then, future. I'm tired.

And for no reason, because the baby finally has. He's been sleeping really well. He put himself to bed last night, for possibly the first time ever, and woke up, and put himself back to sleep. That's not that crazy for the baby of his age but for our baby of our baby's age he doesn't do that shit normally so it's been... Oh we have a bunny in the yard. You guys ever have a concerning bunny live in your yard? We have a couple different rabbits that live under like a tree. Concerning bunny?

It's concerning because we have a window in the our stairs is cut into like two flights to go from the main floor to upstairs and there's a big window on the stairs. Out the window, there's just a bunny laying out in the middle of our yard in the grass. Not hidden, not in a bush, not there's no hole or burrow or anything. She's just laying there and she doesn't move. But unless people go out there and like go towards her, then she's all, ah, and runs away. But there's literally a little bunny shaped ass print in our lawn. And so we were like, does she have, is there babies in there? No, there's not. Is she injured?

She seems fine. She seems like she can go whenever she wants to. This bunny has just decided to live in the middle of the grass in the middle of our yard in the wide open area. I don't understand why this is not a normal behavior as far as I can tell. It's just weird. So it's a concerning bunny,

because it's like, what are you doing, bunny? Like, why are you just watching, staring at the house? I don't know, it's concerning. Maybe the bunny is looking at you and is like thinking the same thing, like what the hell are you guys doing? Hey, it's my house. I can do whatever I want.

Just because I like to run up and down the stairs naked at three in the morning, see if any of my neighbors notice, doesn't mean it's her business. Do you do it until a neighbor notices? No, I just do it like every night at the same time to see if anyone ever says anything about it It's an interesting game because I think even if they do notice some of our neighbors are not likely to bring it up They'll just pretend it's not happening. But I'm curious which ones will say something Do you ever like show off pictures of your house and there's like accidentally like your thigh in one of them or something?

I wish. But it's full rear roll, full back roll. What's the opposite of frontal? Back roll. Back shots. Somehow your full back roll in your mirror reflection. Like you took the picture with the phone behind your head so you knew you'd be in the mirror but it's just all back.

That's not even illegal. We've got this guy. Whoa! Is that some kind of bird? It's a tree! Yeah it's like a hawk. It's a pigeon hawk. It is definitely a tree. Yeah there's a tree but there's a bird and that bird I was outside with the dogs and I heard like something fall and I was like damn squirrel's trying to kill us again and I looked up and that bird I think was taking a dump trying to see if it could hit Presley because Presley was like, damn squirrels trying to kill us again. And I looked up and that bird, I think was taking a dump trying to see if it could hit Presley.

Cause Presley was like sniffing around right under it and I kept hearing noises and the bird was just like, like looked away whenever I looked up at it. It was like, oh, you piece of shit. You're trying to shit on my dog. I'm sure, yes, actually. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that that Hawk and I are fighting now. Hawk will win, but we're fighting now.

You guys ever seen the way that, I think it's Peregrine Falcons hunt? It's really mean. They dive bomb basically, right? They're fighting now. You guys ever seen the way that I think it's peregrine falcons hunt? It's really mean. They dive bomb basically, right? They're very fast. They travel insanely fast. But one of the tactics they use in hunting is they dive at small creatures and they don't try and like hurt them necessarily or grab them.

They just dive bomb them and smack the shit out of them. And there's, if you look it up, there's all these clips of peregrine falcons going into like a super fast dive bomb and just like kicking a little bunny in the head or something and they try and stun them and so they basically just kick the shit out of these little creatures until they're like so so stunned and out of it that then they can go in and try and eat them or whatever they do but it's real mean because it kind of just looks like the falcon is just like mean because it kind of just looks like the falcon is just like bitch ha I'm too fast like they just fly in and out it's like man that's messed up it's impressive like it's a press about fast they go but it's it's a little messed up

you're not saying birds hunt like that I think I saw a pelican with a fish once it's all seagull with a french fry classic seagull prey all right who's got the most interesting bird with a food object? We got seagull with a french fry I've seen a penguin with an electric guitar. Holy shit. Is that a food object? You know that huge baby penguin? What's his name? Bungus? Yeah Bungus He has he has a electric guitar sometimes. I had a blue and gold mccall holding a cat by the tail Was it flying? The cat? No It's a cat dude What kind of question is that? You're right. I have seen an

ostrich with an emu on its back or maybe an emu with an ostrich on its back. I can never tell the difference. What were they eating? Was it like a drive-thru or something? I don't know. It looked like some Donda script takeout pizza. That wasn't really the cool part. Weirdly enough, the penguin with the guitar doesn't qualify it as food. It's very cool, but not pertinent. And the emu on an ostrich or vice versa. Or maybe it was like an emu and an ostrich

doing the thing where they're kind of back to back and they keep flipping their legs over and over. It's a very Banjo-Kazooie type relationship. Yeah, it doesn't pertain to that. Wait, did the peregrine falcon or whatever it was eat the cat? No, they were both our pets. We used to have a blue and gold macaw named Sydney. And our cat used to go try to attack it.

And Sydney would like nip it in the cat's tail and got it one time. Didn't cut it off, thankfully. But it did like. We used to hand feed her bananas, too. I don't know. She would say banana, banana. We'd just give her a banana.

I saw this leggy blonde bird down three dry martinis at the bar. There's alcohol food. Well, that's a question I'm gonna just give her a banana. I saw this leggy blonde bird down three dry martinis at the bar. There's alcohol food. Well, that's a question I'm not qualified to answer. The bar was called the Pink Flamingo. How leggy? How many legs?

The correct number of legs. They just went all the way up. Legs up to the top of her top and face down to there. Face down to there, where? She had face for days. She has a mid face that rivals even yours. You know the movie... You're like, cut me off at the pass.

I don't know if you're gonna say my joke or something. Oh the movie, come on, I didn't even cut you off. Something about the movie Long Legs, I don't feel like it. To Long Legs, I was gonna say, I haven't seen the movie but I keep going DADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY that clips that got popular from the movie, because I've seen that a bunch also. Oh, this movie just came out this year. I was like, this must be some old movie I've never heard of. Came out this last year. It's Nicolas Cage, so I mean, I've watched pretty much all of Nicolas Cage's

shocky horrors. It's got an 86% on Rotten Tomatoes and 68% of people liked this movie. It's well-reviewed, but I think from what I've heard, it's not really the most enjoyable. It's kind of one of those movies where you go like, oh, I don't know, but I haven't seen it. I don't know what your last words are, but it sounds like a baked beans. I didn't know either.

Unmake me is what he says. I had to see captions because it's literally said, well that was daddy mommy. I like baked beans. I'll make beans. It would be a whole other movie if it was about baked beans. Gotta go to the bathroom. I'll make beans! First direction, I'll make D. Oh, Fred's popping over for a spot of chat and ketchup. I'll make D! Hey, do I need to cook this pie at home? I'll bake free!

Oh, God, I drank my icey too fast. I'll bake freeze! Nicolas Cage in this movie? I'll make freeze! That makes sense. No, no, it didn't, but it was still funny somehow. Long legs in Sequoia National Park. I'm big trees! Trying to be hip with the kids?

OMG! He's reaching for a tissue box. I'm big knees! I can't tell if this is funny or not. Blood on the leg? A scraped knee! I can't tell if this is funny or not. Hahahaha Hahahaha Blood on the leg, a scrape knee! Hahahaha The dumbest joke that we've left, the hardest stat in a while.

We finished at a restaurant, A TRIP PLEASE! Ow, I pulled my... I'm old. I'm doing good. My render farm is rendering. It's very powerful and it takes a lot of electricity You're in the future now. So maybe it takes less no more, but you got your solar all fixed probably right? I

Didn't I bought a 30-foot pole, but then I hesitated or I didn't hesitate. I didn't hesitate at all that's the wrong word forget I said that word I or I didn't hesitate, I didn't hesitate at all. That's the wrong word. Forget I said that word. I underestimated how unwieldy a 30 foot pole is, because when you extend it all 30 feet, it's not only extremely heavy at that mechanical leverage disadvantage, but also the pole itself just goes,

just droops all the way everywhere. And so it's really easy to whack it on things. And you know, solar panels aren't exactly the most They've got things to help with droopy pulse. What? FIAGRAH Not sponsored, I don't think. I don't know, it's the future man, who knows? You know Mark, I'm surprised that this episode, three weeks in the future, you're talking about the big day today being the election

But for you, there's a bigger reason today's a big day. NFL trade deadline sports podcaster. Oh. Oh, yeah. The Bengals made a trade already, at least one, which they never do. Did they get rid of T? No, they acquired a running back from Chicago

for a seventh round pick. That doesn't sound like a thing that we need, but okay. You know, the offense has really been struggling, so they thought they would boost it up and say, screw that defense. We really have been having a hell of a time establishing our run game, except for last game. I mean, to be fair, it's against the Raiders, but. What?

Hey, lots of content from that NFL trade deadline. I'll bet you got a lot out of there I sure did but I don't like to talk about all of my massive massive sports beddings Which are massive and I do all the time quote me on this for sure don't please I disavow that past man I'm changed. I'm a new man. I apologize for my former behavior. This was a big Like three seconds. Look the timelines are converging. They're going... Love to gamble. Don't do it anymore. Never did. Forgive me for what I did.

I moved on. I'm better now. Ah, I'm going back in. I'm done. Look, it's... it's... uh... The... I live a roller coaster of emotions so that I can average out a perfectly boring life. That's what I... I go for that average. Uh, but today, you know who's not going for that average? Oh man, three weeks from now. Um...

Al Gore. What was the question? It was more of a rhetorical thing. I was trying to like do a terrible segue of, you know who's not going for that average? But Al Gore is the current contending answer for that. Bob, do you have a competing answer for that? Bungus the penguin who plays electric guitar? Bob, do you have a competing answer for that? Bungus the penguin who plays electric guitar? You're right, he's way above average. He's not going for average.

We got Bungus the penguin. You got it. Nailed it. So we all know the results of what happened. We know the country that we're living in right now. We know what it is, except we don't. So whatever we say in this episode is not true unless it is. And then it's sadly ironic looking back on anything that we say.

So take this episode with a grain of salt. It is not gonna be a serious political discussion in any way. We hope you vote Ted who's Ted I didn't vote for Ted no Ted Cruz guy all right here's the over and over Oh voted you just said voted in a weird way. How did you not think I said voted? I hope you vote. I can never tell if you're doing a bit or if you're actually just honestly confused anymore. Well, the way he said, voted, was like the emphasis was so wrong. I hope you voted. Do you think? Do you think we still have Ted Cruz?

Do you think he's still with us? I didn't know he was up for election in Ohio. No, I'm just, I'm just, I'm so curious because I've heard, I've heard that nobody likes him. I mean, it's hard to imagine why anyone would like him. Even in Congress. I don't know if this is true or not. It might have just been a comedian's joke, but it's like even his own party members, even worst enemies, will hide in rooms when they know he's coming down the hall.

And I don't know if that's just a presence thing, or an odor thing, or just like he'll start talking at you and that's bad enough. Did we start spreading rumors? I already smells real bad. I know, you know what? At this point, we're in a separate timeline. I've disavowed everything at the beginning of this. We are immune from any criticism because of the disclaimer

I made earlier in this episode. So I think that we can say whatever we want. Ted Cruz is probably a little stinky. I don't know, Bob, do you hear a lot about him? I don't hear a lot about him myself here. I mean, I hear a bit about Ted Cruz. He's he's pretty covered nationally I I always just like to imagine that people don't want to talk to him because they know He's about to start telling them more stories about his most recent trip to Cancun

Wait, do you know about that? Is that a joke? Cuz his last name's Cruz? No. Oh, he's the Cancun guy remember that story Yeah, I just anytime anything happens. That's what he does, right? And this he's been busy. So I just imagine that his colleagues on the hill are just like, God, I don't need to hear another story about how pale he was on the beach on his jet ski. Just hide in here. Hide in the cloak room. The cloak room. The cloak room is a place. It's not a good hiding place because there's a cloakroom for each side of the aisle I think in the outside the chambers But is it where they hang cloaks or is this like the lion the witch in the wardrobe type cloak cloak got the White House sponsorship Go in there there's just a bunch of cloak merch on the walls President comes out like the FNAF cloak combo. Look, the government contracts are where the money is. That's where you really really want it.

I heard that Mitch McConnell's been trying to talk you guys up about a McConnell-Palpatine crossover art thing, but it's really hard to get the licensing for that sort of thing. It's great though for the snipers in the US military. They're hidden in plain sight It's a huge advantage the military branch of cloak Well when the secrets come out about that it will bury me but and for now I am enjoying the the the rewards of these contracts. They are lucrative, but yes Okay, so was it or was it not crazy that Elon immediately activated his starlink orbital laser network and wiped? Which country do I say?

I don't know man this is your bet. Who do you want to take off the map Mark? I thought you were gonna say he was gonna wipe out the offices of the NLRB or something What's the NLRB? The National Labor Relations Board The people who get you in trouble if you like treat your employees like they're indentured servants and, you know, that sort of thing. Yeah. And then impregnate the other half. Whoops. I don't know what's happening anymore.

All right. So I he activated horrible laser and wiped Antarctica off the map to fight global warming. Oh. It was a cold move. He turned Antarctica into a bunch of crushed ice, thus lowering the global temperature by a few degrees. Like the kind that Frish's has, like vanilla Coke? Exactly.

This is unrelated. A bunch of Frish's are closing in Cincinnati and I'm really sad about it. Buy them. Did you see there's a big pile of the big boy statues that's just like locked up behind a gate somewhere? So a small group of people were like, we should get these things released and set them up around town like the flying pig statues. I'd rather have the restaurants back myself. I don't ironically enjoy frishes. That's a good restaurant. Okay, wait, I'm looking, I'm Googling the big boy pile. Oh, I, wow. It was exactly what I said.

They're not in a pile. Statue graveyard is a more apt description of it. I don't know why is that circled? What? Why is there a red circle in the top? Because that the 10 man's dick is also in there. Oh no. They were like, hey, we should get these big boys,

hey, that looks like a penis. We should get these big boys statues out of here. It's yeah, it's not a pile, but definitely once tipped over. I mean, there are, there are a little piley as much as you could pile something like this. It's a pile. It's a pile ish. You know, I'm surprised there hasn't been a horror game about this particular mascot because I've always thought even when I was a kid that this statue was terrifying. No, I feel that. Cause it's like a child holding the giant hamburger. So like not only is a kid is huge,

but that burger is even is too big for that child. Who is getting that burger? There's so many questions that I have that are unanswered. And also why did they have the greatest soup and salad bar? They do have a pretty good one. I like their fish meal too. There are still some of them. They're not all gone. They're just dying. Look at that one on the ground sleeping with a cheeseburger pillow, foot kicking out to make sure no one comes in to disturb.

He's just laying there holding the gate shut, keeping their privacy. And is it just me or is like if you're looking at the circle and you're facing it to the bottom right, is that one in the back especially scary? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, no. The one where all you can see is some of the face that one's somehow scarier than the rest It doesn't have eyebrows is the problem. Maybe that's why yeah So if you were in a horror game would be like 90% of these are not moving actual statue. That's the real one That's the real ones gonna come after you when you turn your back if somebody makes a frishe's big boy horror game And we play it can we save the frishe's franchise so after you when you turn your back. If somebody makes a Frish's big boy horror game and we play it, can we save the Frish's franchise

so I can get the, do they have the best vanilla Coke on the planet? It makes the Coca-Cola vanilla Coke cans look like garbage. Isn't it cause they just make it like you're supposed to, like the old school way where they just put real vanilla in it? I don't know, but they have like the crushed ice that floats on the top of the cup.

They have the fun cups to hold and I don't know, their Coke. It's like, people are about how good McDonald's Coke is. I think Frish's Vanilla Coke is better than that by far. Interesting, fun fact. So Frish's uses those red Coca-Cola cups, right? That's like the, one of the sort of like restaurant standards. Yeah. That has like the ripply outside texture.

You can buy those. That is a patented design. You can buy those red restaurant grade cups online. I didn't know this, but apparently the plastic they make those out of, because they're very thin plastic cups. So it seems like they're just like not that special. Apparently that plastic is a relatively high insulation rating. Even though it's a thin plastic cup, it actually does keep your drink colder,

longer because it's a special kind of insulating plastic stuff. I don't know what you're talking about. I know what you're talking about. Share it. I don't wanna. It's like those red cups that like a lot of restaurants use. It's a specific kind of thing.

It's a patented design. Yeah, yeah, they kind of look like the old school police siren red things but upside down and you drink out of it. Like a cup. Anyway, I didn't mean to distract us from this important three week old stuff, but I wanted to talk about frishes. I don't even remember what we were talking about.

No, hold on. I was, I had a point to make. Ted Cruz stinky? This is so like a niche Ohio problem. I guess the rest of the viewers and listeners don't really care about my frishes woes, but man. Big boy is in other places I don't know if they're closing elsewhere or not but they being evicted I think I think they were being evicted is what it was

Evicted? Why Big Boy close? Why Big Boy close? Oh they were facing eviction because they failed to pay millions in rent Well that sounds less unfair with all of the context but I forget what I was going to say, but it was very important. I think the timelines are starting to get disassociated. Okay. Do you think that blasting Antarctica off the face of the earth was the right move? Genius move?

I mean, it may have been if Al Gore wasn't there saying I invented the internet right as it happened, trying to save the one Antarctican tree. You know, this is what I always wonder because I know that's a joke. And I believe that he probably said that. Did he actually say that though? Because I start to question everything I've ever heard. Because the internet nowadays, you can actually like get video, but also like in the near future with like AI manipulated videos,

it's gonna be even harder. Back then when that happened, you just had to wait till the news cycle would play it again. It's not like you had it, like the original time you said it. Why I like had a stroke. Who said what? Al Gore saying he invented the internet. Oh, it's such a meme. It's a meme but it's like, I don't even know. It's a tragedy that Antarctica had to get blasted into cubed ice but just think about all of the cute penguins floating around on chunks of said ice.

There's a whole new tourist industry of boat cruises through penguin ice flows. That's true. So like you used to have to venture onto the continent. Now it's just penguins stranded in the middle of the ocean all over. Oh, that's cute. Do you want to hear Gore's quote? Absolutely. I'll be offering my vision when my campaign begins. It will be comprehensive and sweeping and I hope that it will be compelling enough to draw people toward it I feel that it will be but it will emerge from my dialogue with the American people I've traveled to every part of this country during the last six years during my service in the United States Congress I took the initiative and creating the internet

I took the initiative and moving forward a whole range of initiatives that have proven to be important to our country's economic growth and environmental protection and improvements in our Educational system so his sentence what, part of his quote was, I took the initiative in creating the internet. So I'm assuming what he actually meant was like he helped ask some bill or something. Can we have internet? Yes. I'm not saying that Al Gore is the perfect person in the world, but... I know nothing about him other than that quote.

You don't know anything else about him? He ran for president. He did. There's probably more to that story, but he did run for president. That's all we need to know anyway. And he didn't win? Question mark? Didn't he though? That's where that quote comes from. Al Gore and a Bush are worth two on the ballot. Have you ever seen Al Gore and George Bush in the same place at the same time? No. I. I mean, no. Sorry, sorry. I misread the tone. Well, there is one right answer

and one of you said it and I'll write down who. Yeah, Antarctica, that sucks. They had probably a few people, animals and ice. Melty ice probably. Oh man, I hear the water flowing. What? What? What the fuck was that?

I think Wade might be suffering a little bit of decline. I've really gone over the hill in the last three weeks. Here, I'll pose it to you this way, Wade. If you had a button to activate the Starlink laser orbital barrage network and they were all pointed at Antarctica right now, would you press that button? No, Antarctica has done nothing wrong to me. Now, if it was aimed at Pittsburgh.

OK, if it was aimed at Pittsburgh. Okay, if it was aimed at Pittsburgh. No, that's too close, man. That would scare me. Are you crazy? How far away does it need to be? Does it not matter what place it is? Your equal opportunity, orbital bombarder. You know what?

I feel like Jupiter gets a pretty good rap and everyone ignores poor Saturn. So like I named it Jupiter. Just fuck Jupiter, dude. Everyone ignores poor Saturn so like I named it Jupiter just fuck Jupiter dude. Everyone ignores poor Saturn? I'm sorry Saturn is probably one of the only planets in our solar system that if you showed a picture of it with zero context to almost anyone including elementary school children they would be able to name it because it's the one with the big rings around it. Yeah it doesn't get the love it deserves. No you. Yeah, it doesn't get the love it deserves.

No, you were just saying Jupiter doesn't get the love it deserves. No, no, Jupiter gets too much praise. Guys, I solved the Saturn hexagon. What? I solved the Saturn hexagon. Three weeks ago or now? Three, four weeks ago. Then now. Time is speeding up, tell us Mark.

Quickly, quickly. Alright, so in the bottom of Saturn or the top it doesn't really matter in space but in one of the poles there's literally a Hexagon and this is not an exaggeration. It is hexagonal in shape right on the pole It is a hexagon like a prism or just a drawing of one or the yeah, someone drew a hexagon No, it's a hexagon God drew it on there as a prank and he's still getting people with it They would have telescopes for thousands of years, but they'll get this once they see it Oh, there's a straw hole in the middle. You just pop a straw and drink Saturn. Why just cuz it's a hexagon It's kind of a Baja blast color. Do you think it tastes like a Baja?

I hope that's not the color of the Baja blast that you've been drinking. I explained the cognitive decline What are you drinking bottles of Baja blast for 2009? It's not good man. I didn't see the expiration date it wore off. So there's a hexagon, right? I was doing dishes, right? And so one of the things I do if I'm making Brown meat for pasta takes a bit to clean it, so I like to soak it. You're into soaking, got it. So I set the pan flat on the counter, right? Because I wanted to fill it up and I set it in a place where I could just angle the faucet and blast it in.

But I could blast it in from the side, right? So I was blasting at an angle because I was like, I'll put soap in there as it's filling, it'll spin around in there And it'll do some it'll mix it up do it Maybe a little light bit of washing so it'll make it easier for me to clean later, right as it was spinning it it was moving obviously the the water inside and the suds were mixing up right and Because of the angle that it was hitting and it was spinning the water inside the way the suds and the water Separated in the pan perfectly round pan Formed a hexagon. Not joking, not lying, I didn't take a picture of it because I was just like, oh, that's interesting.

And then I realized like where I had seen something like this before. The spinning of this pot with a just force of something coming in this way in a circular pan created a hexagon by the separation of the soap bubbles and the water inside Legitimately just like that one in Saturn. I solved it. I want my Nobel Prize The hexagon is just God doing dishes. It's him peeing at an angle into Saturn and it just

He pees like I pee You also pee hexagons? No, remember when I was cutting things in half? That was a lot of last episode or something. No I was with Wade I was thinking the exact same thing just comes out as a hexagon. Watch I can do a bunch of I can do a star. Mike like Gandalf with the blowing smoke ships but it's my pee. Hey you guys want to see a monkey that could dance? I gotta hop around a little. Guys want to see a whale that could dance? I gotta hop around a little

Guys want to see a whale come up and take a breath in its blowhole. It's two-dimensional, but you'll see it Don't you have to explain the solution to get a Nobel Prize or do you just have to figure I just explained it It's soap and water Bob. What didn't you get? But what was cooked on Saturn that made it need soap and water in it? That's the real deep question. I told you meat Beef browned beef browned beef. I browned a lot of beef You never seen those space cows man. You need a whole plant to cook one of them. It's true You laugh, but it's true. I'm with no one was laughing. No one was laughing. You don't laugh, but it's true. Oh Come on You don't laugh, but it's true. Oh, come on! That was funny. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no UN meeting where they they proved Simpsons right once again where Russian representative pushed the button and flipped his sign from Russia back to Soviet Union. Do you remember that? That was crazy. I've seen that. I saw the one where Homer drank beer.

What an episode. That was a great one. It's been like 20 years since I've seen a Simpsons episode. What kind of beer was it, man? Oh, Duff. Whoa. Have you seen the image of the, there's a flash forward episode where Lisa becomes president and she's wearing an exact outfit down to like the jewelry and everything that looks like there's a picture of Kamala wearing the exact same purple blazer and... Well clearly she saw the episode and was like, well I gotta dress up like this. Dude, what if people are doing that? Trying to make the Simpsons things come true?

Like what if Trump saw the Simpsons episode and was like, oh yeah. They go to the debate and they're wearing the same Lisa Simpson outfit. Dude, I built a golden escalator. Why is why would that not be perfect for such an announcement? You remember how many debates they do after the election? I can't wait for those. Well, it's easy to debate when it's, you know, it's lower stakes. Everyone's in when it doesn't really matter.

I, you know, honestly, truly, I don't think that that wouldn't happen because I could see some kind of, you know, person on staff that would look at that and be like, hey, someone will make this connection. It'll get traction. Someone will share it and it will gain traction and people make the comparison. People will be talking about it. And then people are talking about you. And then that'll help promote the message because everyone knows

it's a meme like like Simpsons predicting it but it's like you know it's a self-fulfilling prophecy at some point because people want it to happen you know what I mean? So are you working on breeding a spider and pig? It was just a regular pig wasn't it? It was a regular pig in a Spider-Man outfit. But it was on the ceiling. Homer was holding it like that. I don't know.

If you look up the picture, I will Photoshop out Homer and make him right. I will make him right. Just like everything that we're saying right now, these predictions, they will be made right. Does Spider Pig make his webs internally like Tobey Maguire? Or is he more like an Andrew Garfield, Tom Holland, where he has to have web shooters, where he mixes them up and it's like a thing that attached to his wrist.

I feel like hooves make it tough to use beakers to make the web solution. So it's probably gotta be real internal. There's gonna be a real test here, guys. I'm about to put a question forward to you guys. This is related to what we were just talking about about pigs. Why-

Bacon. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Finish your question. Why do I and I'm going to assume and hope that you guys well I don't know if I should hope that you guys know this. Why do I know that pigs have 30 minute orgasms? And why do you guys also know that? You saw that episode of black mirror where the guy fucked one. I forgot about that. I've only seen like two episodes of Black Mirror, and I think that was one of them. Me too. I couldn't. I got it by Phil.

I haven't seen any! What is that show about? I thought it was about cell phones! What the fuck? I haven't seen any! I thought it was about scary cell phones! Oh, sorry, spoiler! Man, the Choose Your Own Adventure library episode was real funky. Did you get the pig in there? Did you fuck the pig? Or did you go to Antarctica? I couldn't decide.

I still hung... I paused it. I just... I was really... Because the web shooter thing made me think of that, and I'm like, why do I know that? I'm going to be honest. That sounds like a fact that I would know.

I've never heard that before. Was it just female pigs that have 30 minute work? Cause what is- I hope the male doesn't. He's going to be dehydrated. He's going to need IV fluids if he's going for 30 minutes. It's got to be probably both. Cause I think it's only cows that go to In-N-Out.

The pigs, they last long. That was a bad beef joke. Yes! Insert Shia LaBeouf clapping in the auditorium meme. Pig's very last lung, that was a bad beef joke. Yes! Insert Shia LaBeouf clapping in the auditorium meme. You know, it was funny in my head, then the moment it started to come out of my mouth, I was like, it's not funny, don't.

Too late. I'm giving you a standing ovation point, but I didn't. Sitting ovation, sitting ovation, you get the sitting ovation. Standing desk ovation. So the conclusion is web shooters for Pig's internal, I guess. I don't know, I didn't know that fact about pigs. I don't know why you know that I think that's weird Yeah, where'd you learn that but I'm trying to understand where I would have learned it. Is it true? Is it even true? I don't want to Google this. No, you're just trying to trick us into

Why did auto-correct when I made the pigs have 30-minute oranges? It's really unfortunate that the thing I googled right before this was where can I find some pigs? Yes, a domestic pigs orgasm can last an average of 30 minutes, but it can be as long as 90 minutes This makes the pig the mammal with the longest orgasm why damn Who's got that kind of time? I mean, pigs don't have anything going on. What, do they gotta get back to rooting around in the dirt? I just feel like, wouldn't that expose you to threats?

Well, these are domesticated pigs. Maybe they're not incapacitated. Maybe that's a walking around orgasm. A walking around orgasm? Can you imagine trying to have like a conversation afterward, like, that was great, we have to wait 90 minutes and stop screaming the kids are at the petting zoo and in the distance you just hear a pig fucking squealing its head off and the farmers like oh just ignore her best he's kind of a slut let's go look at the goats 90 minutes later later... Alright, who wants a pet of pig? NO!

Nooooo! I was expecting to have a cigarette. You didn't confirm whether it was just the females have 90 minute orgasms or if the males. And if pigs are also the species where the male dies immediately after mating. I didn't suspect it, but it's probable.

The female pigs actually consume the male pigs. That's how you get guanciale's You know the scene is scary movie the sex scene. Yes the one with the bats and the mowing But it's like in that scene they did this I'm sure I haven't looked up the scene in a bit but I'm sure incredible VFX of the guy just like all of his muscles just like and like he just turns into like a skeleton right then and there I imagine that's what happens to the pig I want to expunge this episode from the roster I like it I think we're having fun good thing this timeline got obliterated I realize now

it happened because I I expunged the universe that we're currently in does that mean if this up whenever this episode ends that we're gone? We're gone, yeah. Well, I feel like we should stretch it out a little bit. Let's watch a full-length video of a pig orgasm and see what that looks like. Apparently boars, not pigs, domesticated pigs here, but boars, the male boars, take five to eight minutes to ejaculate, to complete their ejaculations, measured in minutes not seconds

God man, isn't that average? Yeah Why did you grimace what are you imagining in there wait you were like isn't that average or Wade was like yeah I'm just thinking that's a big mess. That's a lot of mess. If you're spraying and praying for minutes, that's a hell of a clean-up I've had long long trips to the bathroom that have been shorter than that. I've had long ejaculation Listen, we're all in the midst of I believe when this episode is coming out. It's still no not November It's right towards the end. This is the election episode. I've looked up pig ejaculation three times. Why specifically that term?

Why that term? I went, dude, I found the 30 minutes. I was like, all right, we gotta dive deeper. We gotta ask ChatGBT this. That's really who we gotta ask. That's the- Oh no, I'll get my ChatGBT account. That's really who we gotta ask. That's, that's, that's the- Oh no, I'll get my, I'll get my ChatGBT account,

don't worry, I'm working on it. Ugh. What did we say about No Nut November? We failed? We just passed? How are you guys doing? Are you holding strong? I'm about to have a three hour December,

if you know what I mean. The shortest December, it's gonna be over for you after three hours. The clock strikes midnight, we're gonna paint the town white. I love that poem. It's my favorite one. Say the rest. Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm coming, I'll get back to you. Alright, I'm gonna give you points so you can stop. Alright, I'll take it.

You get the stop point. Man, this is really an episode that I'm gonna regret having said when my family members and in-laws and friends. Don't worry, this timeline is expunged. We don't exist anymore. Can we not air this till after the holidays so that way I don't have to address family face to face? I hope this is the one they put on

for everyone to listen to. My cousin is such a good. Is this like the Black Friday episode? Everyone's off work for the holiday in America. You have Thanksgiving. They wake up and they're like, all right, we got Friday off. Let's go shop and listen to my favorite podcast. I have so many regrets about this episode, man.

We get that Walmart deal and they play it over the speaker. Attention, Walmart shoppers. Pig ejaculation lasts 30 minutes. You remember during the cringe episode we talked about play it on the whole house so the family can listen? This is a new one of those episodes. This will be part of the cringe episode if that were to happen. No, this isn't cringe, this is informative. I'm informed. That is interesting. I didn't know that. I still wanna know why exactly you knew that.

Yeah, I don't know why I know that. Let's flip this back on Mark. This is your knowledge. But my other question is, is that the record? For mammals, it seems to be. I've Googled enough. One of you two searched that one, man. For anything. For anything? My search said mammals, which could imply I've googled enough one of you to search that one man for anything for anything

My search said mammals which could imply there's some kind of bacteria out there that is No, there there are there are birds also There's other species besides mammals that do the sex forgot about the fish and the birds Insects. All right. I think it depends I think it depends on how exactly you define it, because what I'm seeing is octopi can take up to four hours to transfer the sperm from the male to the female, but it's not a four hour orgasm. It's not four hours of boolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolool with eight legs think about the foot rub and back massage you have to give to convince the octopi

anyway no we're not segueing out of this one we're staying on this topic so al gore we're giving people the election covers they deserve apparently rattlesnakes have been recorded 23 hours and 15 minutes but again that's not like an orgasm the whole time if that's more like yeah They also take three days to swallow This is great man, how is your elixir? Hey your head's the same color as your shirt that's impressive we need to come up with a term like the opposite of hawk to a what's the swallow noise that we can, we can coin. If you can figure it out, you get a podcast deal.

Gulp. He did it. He figured it out. He got the swallow noise. Like discovering the Higgs boson. It does exist. Quaggulp. Take away everything you ever had.

Okay. Delete him. Okay. So this has been quite an election. We have all voted. We've done our civil duty and this has been a time. Did not expect Dark Brandon to rip open the fabric of reality atop Capitol Hill. Aliens visiting finally was really underwhelming, thought it would be more exciting. And then, you know, the predicted false vacuum collapse that is rapidly approaching us at light speed is going to be really, really, really interesting.

And yes, we, um yes we we we is that why the piggy went we we we all the way home it sure is Bob it sure is man that that rhyme goes a different way whenever you think of that did you know oh no this is dark like there's kids listening to this at what age did we all discover and or realize that the piggies that went to the market were not just going for a nice shopping trip? Now? What do you mean? What do you mean?

What do you mean? Well, I just put it out there. Why would a piggy go to market? To buy food? Uh huh. No, they get food from the farmer and I'm pretty sure the farmer's the one who brought them to the market. To buy food? Uh huh, no they get food from the farmer and I'm pretty sure the farmers the one who brought them to the market and I just think all the way through why exactly a farmer might bring a pig with them. Okay this

little piggy went to market uh-huh but this little piggy stayed home. Sure the lucky one. But where did the third pig go if it's going wee wee wee all the way home? That's the market pig right? Didn't the third pig go if it's going wee wee wee all the way home? That's the market pig, right? Didn't the third little piggy like eat Wheaties or something? I'm not gonna lie, I had never thought that deeply about it, and this is the first time I realized now that you're saying it that that piggy did go to market for reasons that I did not.

The rhyme should go, the first little piggy was slaughtered the second little piggy was spared Just a third little piggy killed an a to cow cuz he was left alone on the farm And the fourth little piggy had an orgasm for 49 minutes That's a weird rhyme man, it's all part of that that book. All right, cool. I'm gonna wrap it up here It's all part of that that book. All right, cool. I'm gonna wrap it up here It's all part of that kids book. All right, cool. So this is the farm All right, I love that book. Betsy's kind of a slut It was more than likely butchered and sold off to a market. That's my toe My big toe is the little piggy that went to market. All right, you wanna know the standings?

Yes, say Wade first. Don't make me feel better. He got a point for Shitbird. He got a point for It's a Cat Dude. Which is still funny. I don't remember that one already. A point for Don't Laugh. I don't know why I wrote that,

but it was either to tell you to stop laughing or don't laugh in a certain way. I don't know, don't laugh. I give you a sitting ovation point Just one even though I did twice I gave you the stop point and then three days to swallow which in my head reads a lot like you have seven days to Die the porn parody of the ring Three days to swallow

You're gonna swallow in three days. I'm not gonna lie Bob I probably should have wrote down a lot more points for you because you had quite a few zingers. But I've got a concerning bunny, which still, I still don't know why the bunny's so concerning. It's concerning. I gave you the baked beans points because that's burned the jokes.

Like I said, I probably should have wrote some more bangers from there. A baked bean! You know, that stuff, but you know. That entire bit, I get credit for that. Bungus the penguin you got a point for that. Same bush different gore and then Betsy's kind of a slut. That was the last point I earned? That was a while ago. Well I know yeah but I mean that's what I mean I probably should have wrote down more but I didn't. I think

I should have had some more I had some great zingers in there. Alright then you both are underwhelmed but Wade you got six Bob you got five. Damn. I'm happy with my points. Shit, that's shocking to me. I can't believe it that you're suddenly happy with what's happening here. I honestly think I probably should have given Bob a lot more points. Well, thank God we don't have a way to challenge for that. I'm gonna give my winner's speech. Right?

I'm gonna be 100% honest. I know that I can throw the red challenge flag. I don't remember what that triggers. A vote. A vote in the subreddit. But don't I have to challenge a specific point? What do I just be like, I challenge that I get four more points. If you guys ever think that I paid attention to any of these rules, you got another thing coming. I think you can just present your argument. If you want to say that on the subreddit, you can, but they have to vote You know yes or no. Fitting for election night to have a vote, but they will be very confused

as to the contents of the episode that they are voting for. So in this episode We talked about how long pigs can orgasm a lot. It's the election night episode by the way Anyway Bob demands a recount on election Tuesday for an episode that comes out in three weeks So there you have it whatever you have there you have it Wade congratulations. What's your speech? That's it. He got it. He's got the gulp to a he'll be Preparing his new podcast gulp gulp today Starting Wade gulp to a hardly Noah all right Bob loser speech

Hey your has the same color as your shirt again. Yes it is. That's really impressive. Is that why you wear shirts that color so much? So I can be a disguise. I'm hiding in plain sight. I think we all know that I didn't lose today, but also honestly, I just don't care enough

to throw the red flag. I'm done with the subreddit. I don't go in there. I don't talk to them anymore. They burnt this bridge and they know what they did. So I don't want to force myself to have to go do anything there for any reason. So for that reason, I do not challenge this obvious injustice. And if anyone feels badly that I should have won and I didn't it's the subreddit's fault

You do got to be careful over there. You better not complain too much. They'll get you You better not say anything you stick your head up. They'll bite it off. They're like a praying mantis They'll fuck you then they'll eat you you imagine a pig bit off another pig's head after orgasming be pretty metal Would you rather have let's not say 90 let's say 30 30 minute orgasms or or no change. I guess. Or negative 30 minute orgasms. Expound.

Answer the question. I don't think I want a 30 minute orgasm, but I definitely don't want whatever inverse orgasm is. I don't want that. You hoover up everyone else's orgasm in a vicinity around you. We would all be like SpongeBob when he had the anchor arms just like walking around Our little legs are never gonna touch the ground again

God no. Yeah, I guess I've taken the 30 minute orgasm on that one. All right He's got the 30 minute orgasm. That means Wade gets the other one. Ah You got to hoover up everyone's orgasm for 30 minutes go Oh, it's not going in there Well, thank you everybody for listening to this horrible episode all of our sponsors have left our podcasts and shambles, but this is why I am deleting us from reality. This is a containerized version of ourselves that never, technically never existed and never will exist.

It's a reality completely separate from yours. It's literally horrible universal death on a galactic scale of which we cannot possibly imagine. All life in this universe is now going to cease to exist in an instant blink of an eye, it could happen to you, but it's not right now. I only regret not being able to release Iron Lung in this universe.

It was gonna be way better than the one in yours. It was really good. Well, I saw an old version, but it was very good. Can this be our time capsule episode? If we ever bury an episode in the dirt for future generations to find, Can it be this episode? We'll etch this into a titanium record and send it into space So the aliens will know what they're dealing with.

30 minute orgasms. We gotta go. The Beatles, Blackbird, George Bush's speech from the deck of the aircraft Carrier, the mission accomplished and this podcast episode. The aliens will know not to fuck with us. All right. Thank you, FooswoldsFuckYes, in your timeline for more, much better episodes than this. And we have been Markiplier, MiceGroom, and LordMinion888

checking out that was the only difference between the universes. Literally the only difference. Podcast out. At least I'm not nine, because seven, eight, nine.