Distractible - The Perfect Meal

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

The guys discuss their cooking mishaps and oddly satisfying food creations. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production with your hosts, Willing Wade, Buff Bob, and Muscular Mark. This week, the dilettante dandies discuss the depths of gastronomic skill required to create the most sumptuous of repasts. Yes, it's time for the perfect meal. Please prepare thy bibs and enjoy the show. Hello, and welcome back to Distractable. If you've never listened before, then not welcome back. I made this joke once already, but Mark's recording broke, so we had to delete it. I'm sorry. I'm forcing it now because I thought it was funny

the first time, but I'm realizing now that this is not funny. I'm sorry. Like a good meal, it tastes better the second time. Or no, that's not good. it's better coming up distractible is a podcast we're about to talk about some stuff i'm the host and also the judge and i will probably forget to assign points about halfway through i'll stop remembering that i have to do that and and in the end i'll just pick an arbitrary winner but pretend i didn't say any of that and if you don't know how it works by now neither do we how are you guys today? How's Mark? How's Wade? My co-host, how are you? I'm good. I just got some pasta in me. I'm feeling better now.

Did you taste it? Did you chew it? I didn't because I didn't have time. And thankfully, it was butter, just butter pasta. So it was lubricated. It went down really quickly. Swallowed the whole bowl in like three gulps. Pretty much.

I don't think I really chewed any of that. I'm also doing well. And if Mark's audio had not crashed, we would have heard the sound of his spoon fork knife whatever oh that's okay we'll edit in a lot of people eating like really close to the mic sound effects and even restaurant chatter yeah really loud restaurant chatter yeah louder than that come on be brave there we go like scary loud yeah like everyone the restaurant is looking at you. Like if you're listening in your car, the windows in your car should be feeling like they might shatter.

Everyone's favorite noise. Loud a-holes eating dinner. Now everyone at home, start chattering randomly to yourself. Yeah. Let's get the whole country shaking at the same time. Pretend you're in a restaurant with all the other listeners, and you're all doing background things. You're extras in a movie.

And we are, the three of us collectively, Ryan Gosling, about to walk on screen and steal your heart. Wow. I think the three of us could add up to one Ryan Gosling. I think we could do that. I don't know, man. I don't know if we have enough. We might have enough abs between us, but I don't know if we have enough

I don't know if we have enough smile eyes. And not nearly enough dick, collectively. Not even close. Not even close. Oh, he's an attractive man. I just Googled him. You knew. You know who Ryan Gosling is.

You know who Ryan Gosling is. I always confuse him, and there's someone else I always confuse him with. Ryan Reynolds? No. Ryan Seacrest? Is Ryan Gosling the one that was in the notebook? Yeah. I always confuse him for that one that was in the notebook? Yeah. I always confuse him for that guy that was in the notebook.

Never mind. That's him. So never mind. That's the one. You always confuse him with himself. Got him. Wow. Good job, Wade.

Yeah. All right. Well, Wade has no idea about anything as per usual, but that's okay because I'm the host. You don't have to know things. I know things. He kind of looks like Alex Smith, the quarterback who played for- I don't know who that is. I don't know who that is. San Francisco and washington never mind anyway ryan gosling

doesn't look like anybody everyone kind of looks like ryan gosling oh that's true he is the perfect being manifested into reality oh he's pretty hot um today's episode the theme i'm gonna announce the theme dramatically as the title maybe probably not at the title of the episode but kind of could be the title of the episode today's theme is cooking mishaps oh no i don't know if i like cooking misadventures oh uh uh uh uh scary cooking oh that's better that's better scary yeah horrifying cooking anyway today's theme is about cooking it can be you cooking mark i know a couple stories about you cooking things and you have cooked for me uh still one of the most delicious meals i've ever eaten uh which i'm eternally impressed by uh i cook a fair amount and i've cooked some pretty nasty stuff i don't know about your cooking history wade you don't strike

me as a big chef kind of guy but you love food so like i don't know if you cook sometimes or what so i usually don't cook anything that elaborate molly's got more into cooking i don't mind cooking and i think i'm pretty good at it but i hate doing it because i'm a perfectionist and it drives me insane like trying to perfect everything and like make everything perfect i don't know it's one of those things where i can do it and i can follow a recipe really well and you know whatever but like it just drives insane. The process of trying to perfect it. That's fair. Okay. I will say what spurred this for me. Uh, I cook a lot. I enjoy cooking and I do like weekly streams with Mandy where we cook and just hang out and uh, pretty casual. But what spurred this for me recently is I think I invented something and I'm not sure, like, there's no way I invented it, but I did this.

It's delicious. But like, I can't believe no one else. Maybe I just underestimate how many other people do this. So anyway, I was really hungry one night, totally off the diet, like eating whatever. And I was like, I'm kind of craving like salty, like almost like Chinese takeout or something like Asian flavors. And I'm kind of craving like Mac and cheese. There's not really like a good mix. It's kind of an either or situation between those two different sort of flavor groups, flavor profiles. And I was looking at our own pantry and we have some blue box craft macaroni and cheese. And I was like, I like that. That's easy. I can make that. And we had some nice, uh, like good quality ramen. And I was like, you know what what if i just cook the ramen noodles with the macaroni

and then use the cheese sauce and the ramen packet i could make instant ramaromi and cheese but so anyway i made like ramen macaroni and cheese with you know cheap ingredients it's good ramen but it's not like fancy it's still just instant ramen it was delicious am i a genius am i a culinary wizard putting things together that no one has or is that do you want like agreement or the truth no you don't have to pump me up i just i had never seen anyone do that and i was like why have i not done that that was really delicious like it was probably a food abomination i'm sure anyone who's a chef would hear me explain this and be like oh gross nasty but I loved it

it's perfect it's like salty ramen flavors and like cheesy you know mac and cheese it's good yeah but no give me an honest reaction well I just I just googled ramen and cheese and there's tons of recipes but I know for a fact there's this Korean I think it's a military recipe where it's like a lot of things that you'd get from like a convenience store in terms of like in Korean convenience store anyway like ramen and then american slices of cheese and like i think from a military basic game from like a lot of leftover foods that korean soldiers just whip together and i know for a fact there's one where they take ramen and they put american slices of cheese on it among other things they'll put like vienna sausages in it or spam they'll put they

cook with spam a lot that sounds good and it kind of hits a lot of those notes that you were talking about, like the little bit of salty, a little bit of what was the other flavor you wanted? Like cheesy. Cheesy, yeah. Creamy, salty, cheesy, creamy. And so there are plenty of recipes.

And I think even in countries that predominantly eat ramen, especially they always look for ways to mix it up. I mean, me, I just put an egg in, but you know, that's me. Cheese and ramen just sounds like a common sense combo to me it sounds like common sense to you i've never thought of that in my life and even when i was doing it i was like oh no what if this is terrible and it wasn't yeah it's awesome well so like mark ate buttered noodles right before we started this and like butter noodles are okay but to me like they're not

flavorful enough so i would always add something else to it i would i would want something like cheese or a marinara sauce or i don't i don't know i like more flavor with pastas well and that's the thing too like cheese on pasta is not weird but that's like an italian thing i've never seen a lot of cheese or creamy sauce of any type in like asian cuisine yeah there's no there's no like cheesy chinese takeout dish in the same way there's like cheesy mexican food or like cheesy you know italian food actually alfredo is a cheese sauce yeah it is and i think it's straight up italian yeah i just felt like putting cheese into ramen was like some sort of weird thing but can i just say this is a gross generalization korean people know how to eat man oh yeah korean

food is so fucking good that's not a generalization and it's so much more diverse than people think it is. And people probably are like, oh, there's quite a few differences. But most people's experience with Korean food is Korean barbecue. Like that is just scratching the surface of what Korean food is. There's so many different varieties. I only know a tiny bit like I barely know anything beyond the Korean barbecue. But every time I ever hear anyone, if they're like describing a dish and I'm like damn that sounds ridiculous i feel like it's not unlikely for that to be followed by yeah it's like this korean thing like it's just just from korea it's like shit man you guys love food and you do it right i'm gonna say this out loud right now because it's gonna happen in the future i've been talking to bob and wade about it at some point whenever travel restrictions get let up and

corona is under a certain level of control i'm taking these guys to korea and taking them for like a week to go restaurant hopping they can try all the different foods even way and wade i guarantee you there are so few taco places in korea you will love it oh i can't wait but we're gonna definitely make you try korean tacos just to be yeah i'll definitely do that yeah i have to i'm busy that day or i would suddenly you feel sick that day yeah that specific day that specific hour oh man my stomach must be that excuse works man write that down tend to be sick so anyway i made that culinary discovery for myself which is apparently not an interesting discovery tons of people know about that already but but like i'm not looking to be hyped up i just i like that that's an easy thing to make and it's delicious but like so yeah i don't know i stalled a little i give you guys some time what have you cooked or what have you seen people cook

that didn't turn out so well or that turned out amazing yeah i mean i mean a few different things here but if you want to go first mark i don't care oh i mean i just i figured i had to kick it off with my story. The my cooking mishap as opposed to anything else. Yeah, no, I know your big mishap. It's a hell of a story. Yeah, it's a hell of a story. Go for it.

But wait, if you want to go first, I will defer to you. Yeah, if you have a really good one, I'll go first. That way you can just top it easily rather than me having to follow up. So I got a few smaller ones. This was not me cooking, but I remember I think, I think it was one of my exes. Uh, and I came home, uh, I was still at my mom's house back in like high school days. And my younger brother had decided to make cookies. And, uh, we were like, Ooh, okay, cool.

Can we like try a bite of the cookie dough? And we were like, yeah, yeah, go for it. And we tried it and it was horrible. The dough was so bad. It was awful. And we're like, um, you're following a recipe for this, right? He's like, yeah, yeah. This one right here.

And he looks at the recipe. He's like, okay. And you've had all these ingredients. Yeah, all the ingredients are out. You've been using them in the right order. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, it just tastes like it's not sweet at all. Like, what'd you do?

He's like, no, no, no. I put in a, what was it? What did it call for? I put two one fourth cups of sugar. And I went, oh no. Oh no. So yeah, everything that was like more than just a fraction if it was like two and a quarter cups he thought it was just two one quarter cups no

so we had to go back through and help him figure out the math on everything he'd been putting in yeah i thought it was weird that it was asking for three one quarter teaspoons of vanilla i was like all right that's a weird way to measure that but sure like i guess without if you're not like applying your brain to it if you're just blindly following it or something i could totally see i guess if you've never cooked how it looks like it's two one quarter it's like that's just two quarters that's just a half do the half but yeah i mean that is how fractions are written yeah like it's not like normally fractions are written some other way.

And for cooking, they're like, write the big number and then the fraction next to it. They'll have to know our code if they want to follow this recipe. Yeah. Oh, wow. Sidebar. I was looking up just because I was curious, like what the most disgusting foods in the world are. And you got your basics, like, you know, your bull penises, your surstromming, and what we talked about in the other episode in Greenland.

The balut, those little fertilized duck eggs. Yeah, yeah, that's in your century eggs. But there's one that kind of tops the list for me here, and I've never heard of it before. It's called sugalu. It's from Sardinia. Sugalu is a cheese that ferments in the stomach of a slaughtered baby goat made from the sheep's milk that was its very last meal. So they get a baby goat to drink its fill of milk from the mama goat. They kill the baby goat, rip out its stomach, and then just, it looks like they just tied a string around the stomach, the bag, and let it ferment and i don't know how they discovered this was the most

efficient way i i think i could show them a bucket and maybe they would be able to get cheese that way but that feels like one of those witches recipes where they're like ah yes eye of newt and leg of frog the cheese fermented in that of a baby goat will be our potion i feel i feel like like there's a lot of delicacies around the world that i'm like okay it's a cultural thing i respect that when it comes down to like letting a baby goat drink its mama's milk all happy and fun and then killing it and ripping out his stomach to make the cheese in the milk i feel like that's a lot of unnecessary steps and you know maybe i could critique the process just a little bit you know i don't know if the stomach

acid gives it a little more zest to it or something like that it probably does but not the zest i usually look for um but yeah that's uh you know what sounds really good is we get tears from like a human baby we mix it up with some uncooked rice stick it in like the intestines of a i don't know a two month old bowl and then like whenever the bowl finally leaks it out you just cook the rice normally and then um nom nom nom what's that what's that coffee that has to go through the ass of a cat before you can brew it and it's perfect civet civet coffee yeah yeah that one yeah no yeah it's called civet coffee i found it yeah part digested coffee berries eaten and pooped out by asian palm civet cats yeah who was desperate enough because you know that started with some being like oh my coffee beans oh i guess i'll

dig through the litter box and hope and pray and i don't care if they turned out delicious i don't care it's like because like you can't wash them off because then there goes your coffee you know what i mean you gotta brew it straight out of the ass well i mean humans started from nothing you know man i mean i was i forget the context i was talking about this with mandy she does like scientific research right that's her job real job and i was talking to her about like she does all kinds of crazy stuff modern science yeah but science at some point in history, science was some dude who was like, I have a dead mouse and I have a pointy stick. What happens if I let that mouse just sit there for a while and I poke some holes in it with this stick?

I wonder what comes out. I wonder if that's edible. And like, that's, you know, like that's where humans came from. At some point, people knew nothing about anything. They just come upon something and they're like, huh, is this poop or coffee beans? Now we call those people politicians. But like, you know, if you know nothing about something, if you come upon an object that has never been seen before

and you're just like, do I eat this? Do I sit on this? What if I cook it or soak it in a liquid? Like, I don't know i think the base order of human instincts is can i eat it can i fuck it can i cook it i think it really goes in kind of a progression there why is eat before cook in that list i mean if you can eat it raw how would you cook it yeah you just enjoy it the way it is you test out your eat hypothesis and then that doesn't work and you're like whoa that was disgusting then you test your fuck

hypothesis try to fuck it and then you like when that doesn't work or it does i don't know i'm not judging i judge heavily i judge extremely then you try to cook it because you're like well maybe i can eat it if i do something to it you know you know it's experimentation the human experiment do you ever just go from eat to fuck to eat again to see if it's better after having been fucked someone definitely has yeah okay i have not uh but yes there was absolutely a phase in history or some specific people who were like oh yeah maybe it improves it maybe it tenderizes it a little i don't know it's like that first episode of uh dark mirror where the guy had to fuck the pig and like afterward like everyone had like some

really weird bacon that has definitely been a thing within the existence of humanity but i'm thinking that's a while ago 100 great great great great great great great great great uncle hunga bacon from the seat of your grandfather today kids nom nom nom that's like a private family delicacy some isolated uh farming family it's just like oh yes we will be having the fucked pig for Christmas again this year. Jeffrey's finally old enough. He's become a man. He will provide for this family. Oh god. Oh man.

With the seed of your potential grandchildren we shall feast on this pig. I'm hearing that now like echoing through eternity and I don't like that I said those words out loud in that context. Let's move on. No, let's not move on because i have a something to that is like you mentioned family secrets and that made me remember like every family has a secret and like some family dynasties have like incredible secrets we should definitely do an episode where we try to we try to talk about

like family secrets unraveling the secrets of the world's greatest dynasties dynasties dynasties you say dynasties if you're cool now it's just all i was gonna say but yeah anyway that cheese made with the last meal of a baby goat that's pretty messed up yeah i just brought that up because yeah i mean at the same time i'm reading this description of it that i found and it's like only a couple companies are even legally allowed to produce this cheese it's technically illegal but some exceptions have been made because it's considered a local delicacy and reading that my brain is like oh man that's some special cheese i want to try the baby goat cheese i want to try that i gotta get some but like if i think about what it

is i swing back towards i don't know i didn't want it but now i know it's restricted yeah no i'm good but it's so exclusive mark um that's all right it's so special uh-huh yep uh-huh like getting your dick cut off by a monkey just how many people can say they've had that no one can except you and all who come after you only the richest richest, most elite VIPs can get donkey sliced. Dunk, donkey? Monkey slice? Monkey dick sliced or donkey sliced is what the cool kids call it. We call it the donkey slice because we're cool.

Good God. Is it weird that I pictured a horrible YouTube thumbnail with like, I don't know, Logan Paul's face looking shocked and like a censored thing with like a circle of a line through it? There's the monkey with like a chef's hat holding a knife and like some blood splatter on the opposite side i got my donkey slice this is what happened you'll never believe what happened next he grabs the disembodied dick and starts waving it around it's like make sure you check out that maverick merch maverick who's he maverick maverick merch maverick merch that maverick merch down on the

link below that's how he talks. That's it. That's the one. You nailed it. Get your sliced off dick plushies. It's like Borat. There's like a black box following his hand, frantically waving it around as he's gesticulating about the merch. His editor trying to cover it all,

like sweating bullets, like... Get every frame. Every frame, every, every frame. Yeah. Why did we start talking about that? I don't but i gotta tell my injury story my cooking story your horrific injury i mean cooking story that all started from misreading the directions on cookies somehow it led to that yeah oh right right yuck okay so shifting gears in distractible fashion i had an incident with cooking when I tried to make chicken wings. I made a duplicate recipe

of buffalo wild wings, like spicy garlic sauce. And it was pretty good. Favorite sauce when we were in college. You ate so much of that. It was, I still love it to this day. And I made a pretty good duplicate, but I was off to a bad start

because I spent more on the ingredients to try to make the duplicate than I would have if I'd just gone bought a bottle. Like, I don't know what I was thinking. And so I was when i did that i was like it's pretty close all right time for the wings so i put on a pot of oil and i have a thermometer in it and i need to get it up to like 600 degrees or something like that very hot um and so it's getting up there and i i'm willing to bet i didn't need to get it that high not 600 degrees no you want to fry chicken wings at like 375 no no yeah it's not 600

no that was the limit of the thermometer it was it was the top of the thermometer and so i think i got it up to like 300 or maybe 350 and then the thermometer broke oh so it like got mercury it was a mercury thermometer it got in the oil and so i was like ah shit well that's not good it didn't like do anything didn't do anything but i was like well i can't use that now i can't cook it yeah exactly so i was like i gotta get rid of it and uh you gotta understand i'm very dumb so i'm like i'll just dump it down the drain and before i do that which would have been a dumb move i go like oh it's too hot for that it'll melt the fixings on the pipes good thing i didn't do that i gotta cool it down first and while holding the pot in both hands i put it in the sink and I elbow up the faucet,

putting water right into like 400 degree oil. Instant flash, bubble oil over my hands, which are holding the pot. I dropped the pot. Thank goodness it was in the sink or else I would have dropped it as I fell backwards. On your feet. Well, if I fell backwards as I did it, it could have splashed all over me. You would have died. I might have died.

I might have actually died. I don't remember much after that moment from getting there to the bathroom. But I remember running, basically screaming, you know, at the top of my lungs because my hands were burning to the bathroom where there was the next nearest sink. And I remember my brother came up the stairs because he heard the clang and the screaming and he ran up and he was like Right there at the top of the stairs as I was running by to the bathroom and he goes This is how quick it went. What happened? I burned my hands and then I was in the bathroom and then

I turned on the faucet and then I just have my hands under the sink for a while And i'm just like finally catching my breath I didn't feel the pain really because of the adrenaline Uh, and I look back at my brother who's at the doorway of the bathroom and I'm like, oh man, I was real dumb. I burned myself with the oil, but I'm good now. I was not good. I was very ungood.

As soon as the blisters started coming in, the cramps started happening. So the cramps were forcing my hands closed. Specifically, my thumbs were like shunted inwards to my palm as if you were trying to touch your thumb to like the bottom of your pinky finger like that and extreme cramping. So that hurt the cramp alone, but that was squeezing the burn. So I had to like go to my happy place and every once in a while the cramping would stop and my hands would relax, the pain would subside and then it would cramp back up again. And this would happen on and off like 30

seconds on 30 seconds off cramping, no cramping. Oh, drove to the hospital. The hospital I went to didn't have a burn ward. So they had to ambulance me to the nearest hospital with a burn ward. To be clear, you were a passenger. You didn't have to drive. I didn't drive. No, my brother drove me. He was there. Yeah. The funniest thing is when I was in the hospital, I got in there and clearly my hands are blistered to hell and my brother's there with me and i i go up to the emergency room front desk and i'm like oh god i burnt my hands please help me and they give me a clipboard and a pen and they're like please fill up this form and we'll be right with you i look at my hands and i look at the clipboard i'm like american health care everyone and i i like i have to step outside and i i literally walk outside my

brother fills out the form i come in to sign it and they're like all right come in here and then they put a blood pressure cuff because you know they do the triage thing and the blood pressure cuff forces blood down into your hands because it just squeezes it cuts it off that hurts it hurts a lot it made it really really painful so they get me in the room and then they keep one of them on my arm. So you know how the machine automatically over a period of time will like turn on and off. And so every like few minutes or so when it needed to take a blood pressure reading, it would like squeeze. I'm like, ah!

They didn't give me any painkiller until like the actual doctor came in. And as soon as the doctor came in, they took one look at my hand. And this is pre the ambulance. They took one look at my hand and they're just like, oh! It was literally like gasping out loud oh they didn't tell me this and then ripped the the cuff off my arm put it on my leg which is much better i didn't know you could even do that i was gonna ask if they could do it on your leg and your arm yeah apparently they can um and then gave me morphine like immediately and since then it was better i stayed a night in the

hospital just to take care of things but yeah that sucked you were bandaging and recovering from that for a long time six weeks it took six weeks i remember how long you had the bandages is all up your forearms and on your thumbs and stuff yeah it was rough but i took great care of it i have barely any scars from it and i had like uh second degree burns some spots were bordering on third degree but thankful i don't think it actually did get to third degree but my hands are totally fine now i have full mobility and the skin looks like it never does the only weird thing is back when i used to drink afterwards they would glow red like it looked normal probably now but because of the way it's like baby fresh skin it would glow red whenever i drank because the blood would flush

it's kind of strange that's weird yeah but that's my random dumb question but why is the third degree burn the worst whereas like first degree murder is the worst why do we change the degrees because the people that made the laws didn't make the medical terms i'm guessing i knew it it's because there's definitely a worst murder but there's not definitely a worst burn someday something's gonna happen the doctor is going to walk up to a bed that's just filled with a pile of ashes i'd be like whoa i think we have a fourth degree burn actually you know there's um there's a mysterious like unsolved crime thing i don't know if you guys have seen this where it's like the only suspected possible case of like spontaneous combustion where like someone was like sitting in their chair i think

it was only he was like sitting in her chair and um the evidence that was found was just like that she'd burned to death but there was like no charring of like the chair she was sitting in or everything else was fine it was just like her foot was left behind i think and it's like the rest of her just like burned without burning anything around her weird yeah I'll have to look that one up I remember seeing that but sounds like alien lasers to me yeah definitely alien lasers they definitely got her I was gonna say though I had an image of you at the reception desk and she puts the pen and the paperwork down and looks at you and you're like oh and she's like you got to do it if you want to see a doctor. And instead of getting your brother, you're just like, okay. You're like standing there screaming.

And she's like, I see the bar. You're so dramatic. Calm down. Do your paperwork. I don't know why. I just think that's absolutely something you would do in that situation. If someone was like, you have to do it. You would be like, all right, I'll do it.

I mean, yeah, I want to go in there and they're not letting me in for some reason please i literally showed them my animal i burnt my hands isn't this an emergency room yeah this is the strangest thing i know that like everything can't be like the emergency like i get that emergency rooms see people who are not actually like dying this moment or whatever yeah but i'm always curious what's the line to where you show up at an emergency room and they're like oh shit get them in there whoa it was like you showed up with huge burns on your hands clearly you're an agonizing pain and they treated you like what you got like a flu yeah we'll check you out yeah and you maybe

weren't dying like they could tell you know the person at the desk is a nurse or something they know enough to look and be like he's not gonna die but what's that line because i feel like if i was working there if i was like the janitor and i saw you walk in with that injury i'd be like whoa somebody help him look at his hands that's gotta hurt yeah and everyone was just like taking your blood pressure and paperwork and like yeah yeah the doctor is coming gotta see everyone you know like yeah what what is that line that seems crazy that seems like you should have gotten the emergency care i think the line is determined by how many people are in the emergency room and when i arrived there there was a whopping no one else there and they still took their time there was a bunch of important

stuff going on clearly oh yeah yeah yeah paperwork they got a lot of paperwork to process oh they need that that's crazy yeah anyway that's my cooking experience have you made chicken wings since no god no i mean i've baked them in the oven with like the frozen bag of terrible soggy chicken wings that are like 90 skin yeah those are only okay they're not great they're not great i won't even light like we have a gas fireplace i won't even light because i i'm afraid of burning whenever we had the house inspected the inspector like nearly blew himself up in the fireplace it's like nope never lighting it did he give it an approval afterwards he was the inspector yeah well the thing was he uh started like the gas up and then he lit something and put

it in there uh-huh after it hadn't been lit in a while i think what you're supposed to do is you're supposed to have something lit then you turn the gas on and then like it's not building up but he did it in the opposite order and after watching him do that i was like nope never lighting it you know now i'm understanding why your house had so many issues because your inspector seems like he doesn't know what he's doing that's so good you had a guy inspecting we had a live wire in the attic that was such a high voltage that whenever we called an electrician, he's like, I'm not qualified to actually handle that. Oh my God.

And your inspector approved it? Yeah. Yes! Who did your inspection? He was like, ah, it's a minor deduction. I love the image of your inspector, like, laying on the ground in front of the fireplace, like, screwing around with it, laying there. It's kind of going on too long you're like oh crap and then it's just like

oh he stands up and he's like there's a fire in there all right check eyebrows gone hair like burnt back no he stood up he's like yeah it works wait okay was the was the inspector from the people that sold you the house no um are you sure he was through our realtor i believe okay gotta watch out for those real estate agents was your realtor the same company that sold the house no i think they were self-representing okay good okay good just checking just checking anyway your inspector seemed bad yeah no i don't think it was a conspiracy i think there's just a lot of idiots that work in ohio wait so you know what though our house in north carolina was not as bad but we did have an exposed live wire that was also very perplexing luckily we had a switch on our

wall we never knew what it did and eventually when we were moving out and selling the house uh we were like we should have someone look at the switch like i don't know if it's like shorting or what it doesn't seem to do anything and he was digging around it was right next to the fireplace it was a gas fireplace so we thought maybe the switch was supposed to turn it on and off or something he reached up under the fireplace and just found a live electrical wire hanging under the fire what it wasn't related to the switch he couldn't figure out what the hell that switch was for at all he just found it and was like you guys know you got a live wire down here touching metal in your gas fireplace and i was like yeah i put that there don't touch it that's my special wire what do you mean what happens what happens to

houses man people do crazy shit when they're like doing home renovations or whatever yeah people that don't know what they're doing don't know how to keep things up to code like our master bathroom was self-done that's what caused all of our issues with the ceiling was that they'd self done it and it wasn't properly sealed from water So that's how water got down whenever it like overflowed Whoopsie, and then the live wire in the attic was because they rewired it to put different lighting in the bathroom. Whoops Yep Sounds great. Sounds professional that an aging toilets Great. Sounds professional.

That and aging toilets. To go back though, there's a few instances of this, like, I know human combustion's not the topic, but to bring up that thing, Mary Reeser was the one I was referencing, but apparently like she was on con... There was some other factors that mitigated human combustion in her sense. But there's another case, Margaret Hogan, an 89-year-old widow who lived alone in a house on Precious Street, Dublin, Ireland, found burned almost to the point of complete destruction in 1970. Plastic flowers on the table in the center of the room had been reduced to liquid.

Television with a melted screen sat 12 feet from the armchair in which her ash and remains were found. Other than the TV, the flowers, and her, the surroundings were almost untouched. Her two feet and both legs from below the knees were undamaged. There had been a small coal fire burning in the grate when a neighbor had left the house the previous day but no connection between this fire and that in which the flowers melted she burned or the tv melted could be connected there was no explanation that one's definitely the devil yeah that's the devil knees up is classic devil move this person burnt alive it's a classic fourth degree. Can't believe it.

Which direction were her knees? Up or down, you tell me. Was her chair facing east? Tell me right now. It's the devil's work in this place. Knees up, chair east. My God. What if you got a doctor that was like that?

You show up at the ER and your hands are burned. And he looks down and he's like look at these deep burns what were you sacrificing when this happened like no i was just cooking it's oil i was cooking wings yeah right the devil's work wings huh get behind me satan yeah chicken sacrifice i knew it he starts splashing holy water and you're like god it hurts and he's like i know it does be gone like oh my god what hospital is this why isn't this real that would be concerning a little bit a little bit also funny though i'm sure something horrible has happened like that in the past you know like your brother would have appreciated that he would

have been like damn that's funny shit you would not yeah i guess to bring this back to food a little bit i've not had any major major mishaps i majorly overfilled a pot of water one time when i was making pasta and caused a huge overflow that was a mess because apparently when water boils it expands and then can just keep coming up when there's pasta in there but a weird random side thing is the way i eat pork chops fried pork chops is sometimes concerning to people and i used to have people comment on my post-chicken wing meal and my skyline chili meals. I am.

What? Okay. So whenever I used to eat chicken wings. What do you do to pork chops? What do you do to pork chops? Does it have to do with that fuck pig? Pork chops? Okay.

Are you a fuck pig, man? All right. So the meal we eat with pork chops is my mom would always make fried pork chops with biscuits, mashed potatoes, gravy, and peas. It was that combination. Sounds good. And I got this from my dad, but instead of eating all this food separately,

the way we would eat it is we would chop up the pork chops into bite-sized pieces, rip the biscuit up into bite-sized pieces, and typically for me, it was two pork chops and two biscuits, and then mix it into the mashed potatoes, peas, and salt and pepper mix it up some more and it looks really really gross but it tastes so good all mixed together like that it's so good so you invented the kfc sadness bowls oh no my i took my dad did oh that's good i gotcha so your dad invented the kfc whatever those are called bowls yeah my dad invented kfc you know you know what speaking

of a dad inventing things my dad you know we ate a lot of chef boyardee raviolis and spaghettios oh yeah and he always had a secret recipe where he would cook the raviolis with the spaghettios and he called it like his special recipe and like he it was very special and then one day he goes to the store and he sees a can with raviolis and SpaghettiOs in it. And let me tell you, he was actually mad. Actually upset. And he fuming because it's like, could have been a million dollar idea. God damn it.

You know, just like really actually mad for his secret recipe of mixing those two together. Maybe as a kid brain, I was over inflating it. But just like I remember him actually being mad. You know, I think you actually taught me that Mark. Yeah. Did I? My dad was not a fan of canned pasta. He would do box mac and cheese, but never like raviolis or spaghettios or so much. But during college, I became a big fan of what I called raviolios, which I'm pretty sure you showed me. And then I just, I have done since you taught me that. I never realized that came from you. Maybe I did. I don't know. I probably did in college because I didn't know many other foods. So maybe. Weird. Weird. Yeah. I mean, I just thought I like

got those and did that because I was like, yeah, they just go together. But I'm having a memory of like learning that from you. And then that's so cute. It's good. Oh, crazy. You know, when you said ravioli-olos it did kind of like strike a chord in my brain like oh wait a minute i've heard that word before oh no shared some raviolos yeah you guys could have been millionaires damn it could have been millionaires god damn it oh speaking of cooking as a kid i had this bad habit when i was a child to say the phrase don't worry i'm an expert i would say that a lot before I would do something incredibly stupid. And this wasn't an- You don't say that a fair amount.

Shut up. Shut up. I don't consider this to be a horrible disaster, but I would often try to cook things and like play chef. But instead of having like an easy bake oven, I would just do it with the actual things in the kitchen with the real stove and whatnot in the microwave and nothing ever exploded there but i did try to microwave i think i had bananas and i like sprinkled garlic powder on it and i put like i think a scoop of ice cream oh with there and i shoved it in the microwave and i set it for like three minutes and then when i pulled it out it was like this congealed i remember the smell very strongly because it's like garlic and sweet don't really go together in my experience. And I ate it because I was showing my brother and I was like, I did it. I've done it.

I've made the perfect meal. Would you like to taste? And he didn't want to taste. So I ate it. Took one bite. It literally immediately threw up. Like it was as soon as it touched my. I've never had that visceral overreaction to food before, it was like touched my tongue like everything just slid out of me

so uh i didn't cook too much after that how often do you make the perfect meal nowadays he's in the kitchen and you just hear like clang clangang, boom, stuff splashing. And Amy's like, are you making the perfect meal? Don't hear about this. God damn it. That smells terrible, Mark. Amy, I've done it. I've made the perfect meal. I dare our listeners to be brave enough to try the perfect meal.

Bananas, garlic powder, and I think it was vanilla ice cream. I might have put chocolate syrup on the ice cream because i remember i never ate just vanilla i always had to have chocolate syrup on it so that do you put in two one quarter cups or how much garlic yeah how do you measure the garlic powder are you a real chef or not you just cover the banana in the garlic powder it's kind of a dusting kind of a crusting yeah exactly i love ice cream with a crusting of garlic yeah yeah and three minutes in the microwave so it's a banana i remember i cut the banana into slices that's what made me a chef i couldn't just put the ingredients in raw oh that's fancy i know right i sliced it so carefully into like maybe

like quarter of an inch uh like half a centimeter is about what it was all you're missing is some cheese fermented in the stomach of a dead goat yeah but that would go with that yeah why don't they ferment it in a stomach of a live goat oh living's overrated all you have to do is flush the stomach acid out every half hour yeah exactly hell with cheese is ready yeah 100 you're right who's afraid of a little work now have you guys ever had uh restaurant workers asked to take a photograph of your food no what of my food of the food yeah well they gave it to me so i would presume if they wanted while you're with what you do with it i just eat it as you're eating i have an idea of what you're about to talk about but no i've never done that so with chicken wings whenever i used to get

chicken wings i would order i think 24 wings is how much i would eat in a sitting now i'm down to like 15 to 18 usually toned down a notch healthy but uh the most i've ever eaten one sitting was 37 i used to get like 24 25 on average and as i would eat them i would have like a little like bone plate they would give you a bowl and i would always make a pyramid out of the bones oh i kind of get that so yeah it's like as i would eat i would just put like the drum bones usually on the bottom and i'd have like a layer of flats or whatever and i'd kind of mix and match ultimately making this nice little pyramid of bones and uh i always got comments on that but that was always after the fact skyline it's not like the weirdest thing in the world but i feel like if you're gonna get a three-way you know what i'm talking about at skyline um

which for those of you don't actually know what i'm talking about it's a spaghetti with a layer of like cincinnati style chili which is very different than normal chili since i style chili is kind of unique and then like cheese on top i think that tastes better with crackers and rather than like take a bite and take a bite of crackers it got very tedious i would just get like a whole thing of crackers and i would spread it out all over the top of the three-way first so there were always like two or three crackers per bite and i guess that wasn't something that many people did so i always got comments and someone actually asked to take a photo of me with my three-way wow that's um it sounds like a theme with you yeah food from more than one source exhausts you what what are you supposed to eat vegetables mashed potatoes and gravy and pork chops all

from the same plate but separately different no you mix them together you're supposed to eat crackers and a three-way separately? You mix that shit together. I get it. It does sound like that. But most foods, like whenever Mark and I ate at a Cracker Barrel the first time, he always gets his sides like in separate bowls. They don't like mix and match. And I used to totally be 100% like that with all my food.

And there's still a lot of things where it's like, I want my broccoli separate from my potatoes from my, like I wanted all that stuff separate too. But just a few meals, I mix it all together. It's either all together or all completely separate i don't know why yeah i don't do that anymore i apologize i'm not i'm not that kind of guy i don't separate my food anymore mark's just trying to distance himself from you for no reason no not for no reason i just want to put it out there like i don't ask them to put it all in separate things anymore not like that i'm not picky i don't wanna you know burden them i'm just trying to be reasonable you know that's just the way it is oh it's just wait all right all right all right sorry i didn't know this was a sensitive

topic i didn't want to the way it is just the way it's the way it is the way it is i didn't mean to bring up this traumatizing switch and dietary it's the way it is fine it's good it's the way it is you know what mark yeah i like the way that you don't do that anymore good for you thank you that's all i was ever looking for your approval i think as long as you were nice and tipped well they probably didn't care if you had two extra dishes i did well there's your problem right there i guess no i did well uh-huh i did i do i know i was agreeing with you okay i believe you not defensive yeah yeah okay good we're all clear yeah good for you you guys have weird eating habits too right I do. I know. I was agreeing with you. Okay. I believe you. I'm not defensive. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Good. We're all clear. Yeah. Good for you. You guys have weird eating habits too, right? It's not just me. No. I mean, I eat a lot and very quickly.

I eat quick too. I guess. I can't stand people eat slowly. We made a whole episode about your eating habits. That's true. Yeah. I mean, I could go on about my recent change but yeah you mr king of meat i do love food man but i've got to eat it hot people eat slowly it's like their food gets cold over

time it's like the last bite should be as good as the first if your last bite is lukewarm what are you doing with your life i'm not gonna name names i've got some friends if you don't taste it though well i don't know i feel like i tasted i enjoyed a lot more than sitting there taking a bite waiting 20 minutes and taking the next one i don't know man i feel like I tasted. I enjoyed a lot more than sitting there, taking a bite, waiting 20 minutes and taking the next one. I don't know, man. I really do think like my life experience has changed fundamentally ever since I started really thinking about what I'm eating. Not in terms of like,

well, you need to eat healthy, but no, just as I'm eating it, thinking about and enjoying it. A lot of people on this, on the distractible subreddit seem to misinterpret my, my previous statement where I didn't really chew my food as i never chewed and

swallowed everything like a snake and i unhinged my jaw and just like because someone posted like a gotcha video of me on a live stream eating chipotle once and they're like sure looks like he's chewing here and i'm like well yeah that's not what i said no there's a difference i gotta side with you on this one there's a difference between like chewing enough times to be able to swallow without choking and then actually like chewing your food thoroughly there's a difference yeah exactly because even in the video you can see that it's like three chomps and it's down for the most part on average and what that is is just like i'm just getting food in i'm not thinking about it never since i started really enjoying the food and

that's what i would call it it's like i really do enjoy the food for what it is as I'm eating it. It's changed my perspective fundamentally, because the flavor profile that comes from food in the first few seconds versus a few chews in is different. It's different. Things taste different once you chew them longer. That's true. And there are some flavors that are much more rich and dynamic once you give it like some flavor. And that's partially just because you're letting it like spread around. It's it's like the saliva is mixing in.

So it's like it's coating different parts of your tongue. There's different like sensations that only come through in a little bit later once like saliva touches because there's enzymes in saliva. It's all like part of the process. It all is. And so like my appreciation for food has changed i treat a lot of food like i treat when you get like fast food fries sometimes you get fries that are fresh you know they're freshly made and salted put into your little fry container and it's like oh man

these are fresh and then you get the fries i feel like they've been sitting there for like 45 minutes they're lukewarm and kind of like soggy and nasty that's how i feel about like every meal if i don't eat it fast enough the last one's kind of like if I got soggy fries, just like, well, this is a disappointing end to a good meal. I got you fast. Why don't you just eat until it stops becoming satisfying and then you're done? You don't have to finish it.

Because I have this ravenous hunger that says, eat more, Phil, you're not full yet. I have an alternate solution to that that I guess you just explained why it doesn't work. Maybe you're ordering too much food if you can't finish your meal before it's cold and old. Well, that's the whole 15 to 20 chicken wing diet. Yeah, it's a lot of food. When is this from?

Yesterday? But I eat one or two meals a day rather than like five small meals. I eat one or two big meals a day. I eat like five or six big meals a day so it's not like i have room to talk i do both i really enjoy food but also sometimes if it's like fast food or something kind of trashy i'll just really mark it down oh okay all right well can we make that a thing is that okay wait is marking it the eating fast or eating slow old market all old market down oh you'll wait it okay so i i relate to to that, Mark. The Mark that used to...

That's how I eat still. Yeah. I miss the old Mark. He was better back in 2014. You changed, man. You and your polyphasic eating habits. My polyphasic eating habits. How about that callback?

Yeah, you're right. He got me there. Wait, but when even was that from? That's not from this episode. You can't call back other episodes. No, I think it's valid. It's valid. It's valid.

All right. Thank you. It's valid. That's like a cross call. That's from a distractible many moons past. Like a cross check all call. When we mentioned ferrets a few episodes back i was i was trying to be like trying to make a ferrets with groundhog

day and punxsutawney phil and then someone mentioned in that one city where there's ferrets and i was trying to like ferrets and then wade just bulldozed right over me you're welcome i was salty about it in the moment and i'm bringing it up now clearly you're not holding on to it no not at all it was weeks ago at this point. Or there's the last episode where I lost by a single point. Not that I'm still upset about that. That was a year ago. It was last year.

That was a whole other year. Oh, then maybe, Wade, you should have tried a little bit harder. You know, you were one point away. I did, but apparently the polls had closed for points. All right. I think I'm going to call an end to this. You've both shared some cooking adventures, mishaps, horrifying injuries. I shared two one-fourth stories.

I mean, I knew Mark had the burned hand story in the chamber. So this one was kind of tilted toward him at the start. But Wade, your cookie story spurred some funny conversation. I appreciated that. That was definitely worth some points. I really liked that we got to make fun of how Wade eats. I liked that we talked about the korean food i think wade gets credit for that or no mark gets credit for that i better get credit for that yeah because i was taught yeah mark is some credit uh no i kind of want to whitewash that story and take credit for it bold move bold move thank you uh let's see let's see this is actually pretty close. Given my very informal scoring system, usually I kind of have a sense of who I'm picking

to win by the end of the episode. But this is actually a really fun one. We had a lot of good conversation. Everyone contributed talking about the gross cheese in the baby goat stomach, but that technically was Mark's find. Yeah. You lose some points for that. Ruining my appetite.

No, I like that. That was a good one. I mean, I don't want to eat that, but I kind of do. Well, he loses points for me. All right. That's find. Yeah, you lose some points for that. Ruining my appetite. No, I like that. That was a good one. I mean, I don't want to eat that, but I kind of do. Well, he loses points for me. All right, that's fair. I'll take that. Okay, you lose points to Wade. That's fair.

Wait, that's not what I meant. No, Mark lost points from your scorecard. Yeah, okay, good. Yeah, no, I'm with you. I'm with you. Anyway, I think I basically set this up as trying to give Wade the opportunity to steal it, but Mark with a horrific injury

and really coming through on that story, I feel like Mark's the winner. Yes! Yes! Yeah, that's payback for ruining my callback. I demand a recount. Too soon? I got to make my... Yeah, way too soon.

We're not doing that shit. This is going to be a peaceful transition of power on this podcast. Get out of here. It's not that important anyway. Don't worry about it. But yeah, I got to do my doctor who thinks everything is the devil's work joke. I was pretty hyped about that.

Good work, Mark. Oh, thanks. You got a winner's speech? uh i really appreciate it i can't wait to see you all try the perfect recipe at home yeah uh if you need an ingredient list just re-listen to the podcast full from start to finish uh it's secretly coded in and uh for those of you who are smart you will find it and be able to cook it properly if it doesn't taste good you did it wrong thank you if you put this podcast onto vinyl and then play it in reverse, there's actually a double secret version of the perfect recipe that you can get,

but that's only for the real hardcore listeners. Yeah, reverse and slightly slower, whatever the setting below. Poop! Anyway. It's the same forwards and backwards. It's poop. True. True.

You're welcome. Thank you so much for listening, listeners. You really did your jobs today. Make sure you're following. Not you. Make sure you're following not you make sure you're following this podcast or subscribe to it or you know plus it or whatever so you always know when there's a new episode they're always on monday check out the merch store uh now live

at store.distractablepodcast.com uh that's been tweeted and is maybe available just you'll find it you'll find it and uh yeah check us all out on our respective social media platforms video hosting websites streaming whatever we we all do other stuff you'll find it you'll find it then we have a podcast we'll distract them yeah we do it's good i've heard it's good it's pretty good all right that's gonna be it that's the end as we say on this podcast when it's time for the end podcast bye-bye oh oh podcast out