Distractible - There Is No Excuse

Episode Date: May 13, 2024

There is no excuse for not listening to Distractible. Except maybe when driving... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Fizz. Hey, you know what I like changing every month? PEEF I can read between the lines of your thoughts, Bob. Are you looking for a new mobile provider? Well, Fizz does things differently. They offer complete transparency, no contracts, no hidden fees, no false promises. The more you stay, the more you get rewarded with dollars off and free data.

And you can even roll over unused data each month. Try the other side. Switch to Fizz. Check out Fizz.ca. That's F-I-C-Z.C-A. Conditions apply. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable.

This episode, Waxom Wade says no to ninjadom and makes macabre mistakes to be defended. Mustache-twirling Mark is allergic to marketing money and answers like the truly imperfect parent. Bungling Bob gets booed giving a phone case for him kills a kid due to a shoot and is Gordon in disguise. From Fortnite frolics to bald pride. Yes, it's time for There is No Excuse.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractable. I'm today's host, Wade, and I'm joined by my co-host, Mark and Bob. Hey guys. Howdy. Hello. If you've never been here before, this is a show where the three of us kind of rotate who hosts, whoever hosts, makes the other two compete for points the winner whoever has usually the most points at the end is the winner gets to host the next episode we talk about whatever we want but we normally start off with small talk.

We don't just rotate the host okay you have to earn it. It's a hard fought meaningful battle every episode the outcome is unknown until the very last moment okay don't give the people the wrong wrong idea I'm glad you feel that strongly about me hosting today Bob. I appreciate that. There's been precedence for Extraordinary streaks of bad luck based on coin flips that era was a fascinating era of our history of which we have a grandiose one We have a grandiose history Fascinating is a word for it. Why is my microphone buzzing? history. Fascinating is a word for it. Why is my microphone buzzing? Uh, Sea Lion! What a great reference to the greatest episode of Distractable ever. The best choice to listen. Way better than this one, maybe. Anyway, I just wanted to clarify that the game is not rigged, we do not choose who wins. It's all very important and meaningful. But Mark was gonna do small talk or something, what'd

you say? That's right, Mark specifically, you were gonna do small talk. Well, hold on now. Let's just say, ever since we've had this written thing, which has been incredibly inconvenient, but has actually been holding us accountable, I'd say it's more fair than ever. I say, until we decide again, that the biannual, biannual, biannual. Biannual?

Bidecadial. Would that be twice a decade, or would that be every other decade? Biscorial? Biscurial? Bifordnightial? I don't know. God, what would that even be? Is that a quadknight?

Be twice every two Victory Royales. I've never won one so I don't think I'll remember. You never won a Victory Royale? No, I never have. Oh, Mark, you've never tasted the sweet release of victory? I've never won any battleground kind of thing, like PUBG or big battle, what is it called? Battle MMO, what is it?

Um, uh, uh, uh, pub, um, no, wait, what are they called? Battle Royale! Battle Royale, that's the one. I've never gotten first place. Forget this episode, let's go play. Yeah! We were gonna do a Helldivers episode while we play Helldivers.

That's true. Yeah, that's not this episode divers episode while we play hell divers. That's true Yeah, that's not this episode, but we definitely should do that No, my friend JP JP still plays PUBG every now and then I know some people still play for tonight For tonight had like a Lego mode then they had like a non-building mode and stuff So I don't think you're allowed to talk like fortnight like it's still hanging in there. It's still like the most dominant game Yeah, it's not even time it close If it like peaked and like came off the peak a little, it's still just billions. And they're printing money over there.

They can't do it fast enough. It's ridiculous. That's too bad. That's too bad. I don't disagree with that sentiment, but Fortnite never wasn't the king. You know, I played Fortnite before it was cool. I have YouTube videos when it was just a PvE mode. They emailed me and they were like, hey, we might be doing like like we're gonna be reorganizing our game and changing it up a bit

We'd love to partner with you and I responded I was like I appreciate but I don't think so I feel like I've gotten what I could get out of the game. What could I possibly get out of a partnership? With you guys, you know what's a revelation? Wow That doesn't sound like it's gonna be anything. Ah, career regrets. Holy shit, you could have been Ninja. I could have, but the thing, well no, I'm not good at PvP, I'm okay, I'm not good. You don't have to be good,

you just have to scream at eight year olds. What did you say to me, you little shit? The true magnitude of your loss of opportunity from that very poor decision is so much bigger than you know. I will say, I don't have that, it was not a career opportunity, but I happen to have friends who know people at Epic. Mandy and I got to tour Epic Game Studios

because it was in, it was like five minutes from where we lived in North Carolina before the Battle Royale blew up. But there was a whole roadmap of all the Battle Royale shit on a wall. And they were like, we're gonna walk you down this hallway. This is all like NDA stuff. And we were, we had, you know, signed an NDA or whatever

cause we were in the studio scene and stuff. But they were like, this is part of the NDA stuff. Okay, so you could look at it, but like, don't pictures, don't like, this is top secret shit. I saw all those plans before they happened and then they happened and I was like, wow, they were right. That's the thing.

I know there's tons of game companies that would probably love to work with me. And then I always pick like the ones that want to do a really big thing and then it happens right when I'm in I don't know making a movie And then I have to go like I can't I and they're like why you this works for everyone else They do it. I'm sorry. I can't I gotta tell you that doesn't work for me With companies reach out they're like hey, do you want to maybe do it? And I'm like, Oh, I'm real busy. They're like, all right, see ya. Wait, you suck anyway.

You were like our eighth choice. We'll just keep going. There's a man who's posted like five YouTube videos in the last month who's like, these game companies keep trying to throw bags of money at me. He's sitting in a tub that looks undersized. And right in the mirror like, Oh man, I couldn't possibly take more money.

Look how well I'm doing. Look, look. Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right. Alright, here's the thing. This is not gonna, this is gonna sound like pettiness, but I'm actually kinda curious what you guys think about this. You know how when MatPat retired, there was like a big celebration? Celebration? I don't know. Celebrate? He'sONE! WOOOOO! You're talking about that YouTube creators like threw a huge party right?

There was like a whole thing that was like- It was a whole thing. It was like from- it was through YouTube. It's like a big deal. If I retired would they do that for me? Is that like- They would play that ding-dong the witch's dead song. They have a YouTube plaque that's just like Markiplier. for me is that like they would play that ding dong the witches dead song they have a youtube

plaque that's just like markiplier they have like your starting date ending date and people just line up to spit on it as they leave but the thing is I feel I feel like I've been one of youtube's biggest supporters on the platform I'm usually the guy going like now youtube creates one of the best opportunities

for creators in general. Like TikTok is great and all for getting discovered. Plus you don't need money. Yeah, exactly. There's tons of videos now coming out about like the creator fund that they provided. It's drying up, right? They're not doing the same thing, which is a actual revenue share. They didn't create the copyright system, which a lot of people don't like. But we've talked about that before, how it's like the alternative is it don't happen because they got sued and This is the only way that it can still go and you can still have things

I don't know that YouTube gets as much flat Like I feel like it used to be a couple times a year all the creators would come out and like there was a big kerfuffle about YouTube I don't feel that's happened in a while where there's been like a whole lot of people coming out upset about YouTube like now people just Accept that things are what they are. I don't know if it's, it just feels like this, but it feels like Twitch took that mantle. I don't know if it was a shift in where the focus was, but yeah, it felt like that for YouTube.

And then now it feels like every few months there's a new thing with Twitch does where it's like the same type of backlash, but it's aimed at them instead of, yeah, I don't know. But can you believe that I'm actually in the final stretch? The final stretch? You've never said those words. Yeah, I don't know. But can you believe that I'm actually in the final stretch? The final stretch? You've never said those words.

Yeah, I looked at Mark's roadmap and it was two months of working on movie and then there was about two years of just something called final stretch. No, seriously though, actually, I don't wanna like induce a panic attack in you. Does that make you uncomfortable or are you like, yeah, we got it?

No, it's been really good. Actually, the past few weeks, you know, Lixie and Rachel, Marcus and Molly, who's a newer part of the team, CG artist, Molly did all the concept art and made the models. Thank you for clarifying. I was like, I wonder where my wife's been. But they were all here, so they flew in to help

with the final stretch and that was monumental because a lot of, it's not like I've done this alone, but I've taken on several parts of it by myself and having them in town just to be able to kind of ease the responsibility in person because I've haven't often been an in-person kind of I've had like teams working out of office. And those are mostly the most productive times. But for the past few years, since like a little before COVID, it was remote and always has been remote.

It was nice to have everyone in town. They're still in for a little bit. Lixian even came in from Portugal. Like that was huge. It was super great to have him here. Like love that guy. Big shout out to Lixian. Bob, I gave you points for final stretch for some reason. So just so you know, at the end, whenever that's marked down, I wrote it and then I realized I was next to your name. So you get those points. Hey, you know what? I'm gonna take a page out of Mark's playbook here guys. I think I'm in the final stretch of raising James I think we've made a lot of progress in the last 16 months I think we're really we're really homing in on you know Like the final targets and I think this is gonna be the final stretch with the baby and then everything's everything's gonna be smooth sailing

Yeah, those college applications go out pretty soon Uh, and Daisy has to go get a job start bringing money into the house I wish they could be YouTube channel baby YouTube channels very popular people love that I'll just buy him toys and then open them in front of him and call it a review channel Is that still legal on YouTube perfectly legal encouraged mark? I want you to know I give you two points for YouTube has been You both have some fortnight points all right anything else y'all want to talk about small talk wise before i bring up something that i i found out everyone will be very excited about this big phone case news everyone oh your favorite probably wallet company maybe is delving into the world of phone cases and mag safe accessories

This is completely not sponsored. I've never been sponsored by this company I just I like their wallet ridge ridge wallet released an official mag safe ridge wallet Which is actually just panels you could put on the thing and clips to your phone and they also put out a case and I'm Excited to see them What boo Everyone's favorite. Whoa, everyone knows Bellroy is the superior wallet company Yeah, yeah, Bellroy is the is the hipster new one on the block rich Magsa phone cases way longer than ridge has what do you mean new?

Well, this is literally a new product that Ridge is releasing. So yes, they have definitely had it. Yeah, those turtles over at Ridge finally got out of their coffins long enough to be able to scrape together their arthritis so that they could cobble together what a phone is. Good for them. I don't want what Bellroy has to offer.

And I'm not gonna argue that Ridge is not overpriced because it is, but you can always get it it on sale which you should. I go with Walker wallets there's this guy Steve, Steve what's his name wallet maker or something like that he walks around and he has these custom-made wallets where he takes his old shirts and he folds them up and he says I'll buy a wallet and I was like how much? He says like two bucks I give him two bucks he gives me his folded up shirt thing it's like streetwalker Steve wallet. You can only find him around Cincinnati.

He walks around selling wallets. I still can't tell if this is a real thing or a bit. I'm hoping it's a bit. Listen, I got nothing against Bellroy. I just, Ridge is my preferred wallet that I've tried, okay? And I've tried a fair few of them. I actually had a tragedy with Bellroy wallets, not because of the quality, but I had a wallet from with um, Bellroy, uh, wallets, not because of the quality,

but I had a wallet from them that was one of their limited edition wallets. It was my favorite wallet. I love that wallet. It's not the one that went to the dump. No, not the one that went to the dump. It's the one that went, um, in the blood. Oh, that's not great. It turns out that if you have your wallet go in blood, it stains it it red and you'd think that that would look cool It doesn't because the the blood I've talked about is kind of like a it's like a paint thinner So it's like and it was such a good pattern and I was just like oh it's also been through the wash We try to wash it got worse And it's just like I was so sad and they didn't have it again because it was a limited edition and ever since then

I've been looking for a while Man, I hope someone drives the long distance to get you this wallet to ship to you while watching and or listening to the podcast I know cut all this up cut out Bob segment cut it out Why no you know every word that Bob has said this make my segment longer put it in twice Make all of a sentence just go what andup! And then he stops talking and then, kip! All right, so March 10th, a little while ago, via LipstickAlley.com, Soulja Boy tells Instagram goodbye

after making $17,000 on TikTok Live in one day. Fast forward, April 24th, via at Soulja Boy on X and or Twitter, how much y'all want for TikTok? I'll buy it at TikTok underscore U S. TikTok is about to be owned by Soulja Boy on X and or Twitter. How much y'all want for TikTok? I'll buy it at TikTok underscore U S. TikTok is about to be owned by Soulja Boy. He can afford it. He will buy it. He will run it.

Is this the topic or is this your small talk? This is the small talk. This is not the whole thing. I would live in a world where Twitter is owned by Ellen Musk, but then somehow TikTok is owned by Soulja Boy. And those are the dominant social media platforms we have to live with. It wouldn't be a bad world. Can't be that much worse than it is already, right?

There's no way. Oh, it can. I feel like there's been even more Soulja Boy news, but that's the, that was the stuff I'd seen and wanted to talk about and I kept forgetting to bring it up. So it might be a little bit of old news. It's old news now. By the time this episode comes out, it's going to be slightly older news. That's not really a great segue into my topic, so no points to me for segue.

That's unfortunate. But today I want you guys to give me bad excuses. For what? I'm glad you asked. I have a variety of small scenarios, little things here, and you're going to give me a bad excuse as to why. This would have been a bit more fleshed out, but I'm lazy and didn't have it prepared until about half an hour ago. I feel that. That's a good excuse. We'll start simple with simple, common, everyday things that people deal with. Don't worry, I'm firing up Chatchie P.T. right now! Great, I was hoping you wouldn't come up with original ideas on your own everyone loves when I You have bad excuses I've got thousands well, let's start simple you're late for class

Give me a bad excuse as to why my parents died chat GPT tell you that that fast No, that was me. He just used that one before do I win? Thank you guys for coming to this episode. Mark has been the victor He just asked for it. So that was the secret. All you had asked for was the win. Now you win No, you don't win. Oh, I didn't ask if I won. I was just like, oh did I ask if I won? You said did I win? I meant the round but okay. Yeah, did I won? Okay, cool. Sure Bob your turn, but if Mark already won, I don't know waste to waste my efforts. Do I have a chance to get points here? Yes.

Yeah, I'm late to class because I forgot to take a shower. I like the way you said that with confidence too, so the teacher is clearly going to believe every word. They're going to be hanging on it. Well, you can smell if you want. This is a provable excuse. I will pass. The teacher might take you up on it.

I'm not sure. It depends on the teacher, probably. Okay. I will pass the teacher might take you up on I'm not sure it depends on the teacher Probably. Okay, so parents died forgot to take a shower. I got a different one I was trying to get on the school bus But then I remembered that I forgot my homework and so I turned around and then the bus driver closed the door on my Backpack and I was stuck outside of the bus then it drove me to school and I was at school But I don't have my homework. I was fine on the stuck outside of the bus. Then it drove me to school and I was at school, but I don't have my homework. I was fine on the bus, outside of it. No other kids were picked up after I got trapped.

I was the last stop before the school. Very inefficient, these bus routes, because I was the farthest house away, so I couldn't go back and get my homework. But also, you could save a lot of gas money from the school bus system if you rerouted it, so I'm the first one. And then I might've been able to get my homework. But also you could save a lot of gas money from the school bus system if you rerouted it. So I'm the first one. And then I might've been able to get my homework

cause then it would have dropped me off and I would have been able to run home after the next kid gets picked up, but I didn't. So I mean, politics, you know? I feel like that's a really good excuse. I felt like parents died. Yeah, parents died. I think might've just gotten the point.

But your remake is just so thorough. Too good, too good, right? I did give you a point though, Mark, whenever you said I turned around because it made me chuckle. That was the only part that made you chuckle, that's it. He did the thing, he said it, he said it. I peeked when I made those, didn't I?

I peeked and I don't even have them anymore. They're lost. You've never even been a funny since then, Mark. Tell you what peeked and I don't even have them anymore. They're lost. You've never even been a funny sense then, Mark. Tell you what, Mark, you got two points total from that. Bob, you got one. For what? I wrote down you smell. Bob, I accidentally gave you the point for parents died.

So I guess you got that too. You can't keep doing that. You can't keep doing that. You know what, Mark? Here's a point called sorry, Mark. Fine, even though I should get the point, it's net zero. You should, but I keep writing things down under Bob that go to you.

You can cross your mouth. I have an official record here. I don't know how to fix it, you know, so. On the bright side, you guys are tied right now. All right. Well, that's what it would have been, right? All right, give me the next one. You got bad excuses all over the place here. This is in theme, so...

You have an important court case, but you're late, and you're the prosecuting attorney. This is the same premise, we're just adults now, but that's okay. You are, it's the same premise, but you're adults now. My parents died, but this time I'm an adult. It's more likely, statistically speaking. What are you eating, Mark? It's jerky, but it says it's like wagyu jerky, but I doubt that. I'd just be a waste Plus I'm pretty sure it would be more tender than that. Mark. Why are you late to your court? Hold pause. Oh lawyer words

I met this guy. I always felt bad for him. He was going through like some tough times He got diagnosed with cancer and I was like, okay, maybe I'll throw him some pity I thought he was just a chemist. Turns out way way weirder life than I thought. Long story short I don't like the color blue anymore and also I am so high right now but ran into him again because I thought he died. I thought he died. He didn't die. Came back and just really threatened to kill me and then coughed in my face. So I'm like, I might be sick or whatever he had.

I don't know if cancer is like contagious. I'm a lawyer, not a doctor. Anyway, that's why I'm late. Okay, I gave you Breaking Bad Zombies point. I just want to say, Saul Goodman is a defense attorney, not a prosecutor. I never said I was Saul Goodman specifically. There was a burning building.

Little Timmy was in the window waving his arms frantically. The window was even open. All you had to do was run over, pick him up, grab him, pull him out. You didn't. Why? Parents today, they just coddle their kids, right? I can't do everything for him. Honestly, I'm glad he's dead.

Because frankly, if he can't figure out how to open a window, what's gonna happen? Are we just gonna give him handouts for the rest of his life? Well, I mean, not anymore. Thank goodness. The window is open. Oh, it was open? That's even worse. God, man, you tell me again. Ah, kids back in my generation could climb over things. All right, don't coddle your kids. Listen, we were on, it was an all-day shoot and the fire just have to be right next to where we were. And I was the guy in charge of flying the first person drone. And this was like, we were on our last take, like we were out of light. We're out of time. The fire was actually helping with the light situation,

but I, I had to get the take. And so I just had to keep the headset on, even though I could hear Timmy screaming from the window. Oh god. I'm dying Oh, I'm so young. I'm too young to die. I was like this is not what I'm getting paid for right now I got to do this job. So we got the shot, but we got the shot. All right I have marked some points for your all's answers. All right. We have a trolley on one side There are four people tied up laying on the track and the trolley is clearly heading right for them And the track is currently set for the trolley to hit them on the other side This track that goes right around keeps on going will clearly go to its destination All you got to do is pull the lever no negative consequence

Pulling the lever you don't pull the lever. Why bob? Well, look i'm you say there's no negative consequence, but we all know that regulations can be very confusing and who knows what sort of union rules there might be, what sort of state local regulations, not to mention federal laws that would apply to pulling a switch that would change where a trolley is going. It's effectively a railroad and I'm sure governed by the same or similar type of things. You just like to casually throw out that there would be no consequences. But I think we all know that that's just not how this sort of thing works. And I'm not going to be the one that they slapped a book down on top of for, you know, pulling the lever

that I thought might save those people by switching the track. And actually that's the lever that blows up the entire trolley car and kills all of them. That's fair. I was just thinking about don't make assumptions got it my bad Do you know how hard it is to tie knots around four people so that they're perfectly mummified by the rope? Do you know how much rope I had to get to get those people onto the train track you think I'm just gonna Divert it at the last minute does my work not mean anything to you? Does my passion not count? I maintain this long, curled mustache. You know how much effort I have to do to get this

and my top hat on every day looking spiffy? It's not easy! Oh yeah, just come over and undo everything I did. You know, what if Van Gogh, he was about to cut off his own ear and you walked into his like, oh, you flipped a switch and the scissors just like fell apart, what kind of messed up person would that be huh that's not how I thought you talked at all I was I thought you had a kind of an accent thing going on oh okay all right we

got mr. prejudice over here I didn't know that I didn't know that someone's being so judgmental I think it's interesting it's very progressive of you to drop the transatlantic accent thing that you had going on. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Mark, I gotta say I was not expecting the villain who put them on the track to be the person.

I was creative. I'm just gonna formally lodge a protest that once again, that's actually a really good excuse. It's not like a good reason, but it's a very valid and good excuse from the perspective of Mark's character in that story. I suppose I could see it from that perspective. I could see where you're going with that however I think that it's a bad excuse and that most people wouldn't accept it. Well just cuz they don't understand him

that's not his fault. Which is the basis of my argument I will understand that yeah. I'm gonna go from this more from the lens of people won't accept it. I think it's more, I think it opens up more creative and fun routes that way. I'll allow you guys to think outside the box on that and approach from that kind of lens. Cause I don't want to stifle creativity. Plus I could just totally see like an SNL skit or something where like someone's doing interviews and they interview the guy and that's what he's saying. And he has like a Yosemite Sam mustache. And that makes me laugh.

Yosemite Sam mustache, not the curly twin spinning one? Yeah, I don't know why I pictured the big long red mustache. Big long mustache? Wait, did you go down for the mustache? Like, goatee style? Hold on, am I picturing the wrong guy? Yosemite? No, yeah, that's Yosemite Sam's mustache like goes down. It's very long. It's like an exaggeratedly long handlebar mustache, right? Yeah, that's what I was picturing.

I was picturing that, but like- But it still goes out. It actually comes out from the sides and slightly above his nose, which is strange. You know, looking at him, he looks very strange. I'd say him and the Tasmanian devil. Have you ever seen them in the same room? No, that's a good point.

There's some good ones. Anyway, you're part of like this well-known celebrity couple and the world loves you but you just broke things off why I could give you an excuse that I think I've heard before not for personally but of celebrities whatever whatever you want man besides murder. I can't Anything but murder Don't you hate that when your brain you're like brain anything but this your brains like this Well, you know, it was really nice being with her cuz you know

world's famous actress it didn't work out and we just, you know, some people drift apart. And then I killed her. I don't know. Hold on. This sounds like a real sad interview at first. Hold on. Stop. Wait. Let me get there. Let me get there. Let me get there. I'm gonna be real with you. I'm gonna be so real with you. It's me.

I'm both of them. Shwoop. For everyone listening at home, I just removed my face. I was- I'm- okay. I was getting on the bus, right? And then I forgot something. I turned around. And oh no, I got caught in the bus! And then, man, I was like, HONEEEE! And she was still on the bus stop and she was like, I'm bad with directions! And I was like, nooo!

And I like, I knew bus stops in the city, it was actually the last bus stop on the very end and she was like, I have bad with directions! And I was like, no! And I like, I knew bus stops in the city, it was actually the last bus stop on the very end of the city. It was going towards New Mexico of all places. I don't know what the fuck's happening right now. And I'm like, oh no! And so by the time I got back, she broke up with me. Okay, you killed her, you are her,

you got on the wrong bus. take your pick take your pick all right that bob i don't know if there's any excuses left i got the trifecta i i have to say i'm considering not even submitting an answer just to let mark continue to have a mental breakdown ever try heroin you ever try it bob you just got some points for not being Mark's answers. Bob, do you want to give one? You just want to be satisfied? I... I... I cheated. So I dumped her out of spite. Oh, I thought you meant to get points. You cheated.

No! The relationship... It's a relationship. I... It's me. I cheated. And then I was like, I'll just end it. Alright, alright. Cheated points. I'm pretty off balance from what Mark's got going on over there. He's really killing it right now. Yeah, there is a lot. Just too good, tough competitor.

Fast forward, you're in a new relationship. Not even a celebrity anymore. The world's forgotten about you. You're just a guy on a date. You're over at their house, her family's cooking, take a bite of food. It's awful! You spit it out.

They all look at you. She's looking at you. You feel horrified for what you've done, but you know you need to make an excuse for why you just spat out her cooking. Her mom's cooking. I jump up, rip my shirt off, revealing a chef's jacket underneath, and I shout at them, don't you know I'm Gordon Ramsay? And then I take two pieces of bread and put it around my mother-in-law's face I scream right in her face. What are you? Pretty good mark. I spit on the plate. I turn towards the baby

I go like ah don't worry everybody and I go over to the baby and here you go champ Open the baby's mouth and I start shoveling it in I chewed it really good for you And then I I help the baby chew it. It doesn't have any teeth. So I'm like, oh No, oh he likes it. No, no, no I pat him on the back a few times and then I go sit back down and I go like, you know That's why they say women and children first, but people forget the children part and then I sit down You know, well done both of you. I enjoyed both of those answers. Feeding the baby, I'm Gordon Ramsay.

Hehehehe. Uh, okay, Mark, you're up first this time. You're hosting a podcast episode. He's not though. There are two other people on the podcast episode that are competing. One of them, we'll just call him Bob, gets a bunch of really easy animals to identify by sound. Whereas the other one gets a lot harder animals to identify by sound and calls you out on it. What's your excuse? Oh, man

I'm sorry. I just thought you were smarter. I thought that your big brain That's I mean, that's why I assumed where all the hair went could make room for more brain. Wait I never said this person was bald. Yeah, I'm made up scenario. I'm just like I'm imagining something I can't help where my mind goes. I thought that your massive dome and capable abilities would be rising up to the challenge, other than dumb and dumber, both of them over there in the other seat.

Like, you look at that other person in the eyes and see if you see a soul. There ain't nothing in there, okay? Dead eyes, right? There's not intelligence, there's not consciousness. Sapience, out't nothing in there. Okay, dead eyes, right? There's not intelligence. There's not consciousness Sapiens out the window there. I at least thought It's going see he doesn't even understand that word. He doesn't get it. He couldn't get it He's got to have the whole the core

the cow goes Like that's the basic level we're working with. I yeah you well you did you graduated But you didn't go to law school, but you you're college educated who we're talking about me. You're the person this time I'm talking this is hypothetical scenario. So in all honesty you I know you're capable Okay, Bob. I have a different scenario for you for some reason. I had an excuse for that one What's mine if you want to give you want to give one sure go for it? Oh, I was just gonna say in that story. I'm Bob, so you're not talking to me. So I don't have to. Bob, for you, you're on a podcast and one of your co-hosts gets distracted because out of nowhere,

you regurgitate something shiny, metallic looking, and it happens so fast that barely anyone catches it. But one of your co-hosts notices it. And as it goes on, you do this over and over again, and they keep looking at you. And they finally call you out on it and say, what are you doing? What are you spitting out? What's your excuse? I actually have a bit of an iron deficiency. And my doctor told me that I need to take this piece of metal and hold it in my mouth for as long as I can. But in fact, when you hold a piece of for as long as I can. But in fact, when you hold a piece of mostly pure iron in your mouth, it actually begins to oxidize and it actually burns a little bit. It's kind of like PopRox except it'll really get you. It'll like chemical burn your mouth and stuff. So you got to keep

spitting it out, drying it off, putting it back in. I would try to do it subtly because it's kind of a personal health thing but I need to do it every waking hour of the day. And so I don't really appreciate you pointing it out and I don't really want to talk about it anymore. But thanks for making me explain myself. Mark? No, no, pass.

Who's up first this time? Is it Mark first? Yeah. You're a content creator. You post videos on YouTube, you stream, so on and so forth. But lately you've been either working on another project or doing something. You haven't been making enough YouTube videos to satisfy your audience What's your excuse?

Those pe- people, alright, okay Did you see something? What? Go on Hmm? I dunno, Bob's just got a weird look on his face Mm-mm A half smile. Oh, it's a full smile. Okay. That's- that's his smile. That's his good- That's what he's done for it, that's the face

Anyway, uh, it's my life That's his smile. That's his good... That's what he's done for it. That's the face. Anyway, uh, it's my life. I fucking saw the CPU fall out of your mouth. I don't know what you're talking about. Uh... I'm working on a movie. Those people, they're just numbers. I'm working on a movie. Is that what I got written down? That's it. You got it.

Uh, Bob, do you you wanna tackle that one? Look, when you've already reached the top, it's hard to stay on the grind. And look, I've given these people enough. It'll happen when it happens, and you'll love me for it. You're welcome. You're greedy, you'll get what you get when I give it to you.

I kinda forgot the premise. What were we talking about, Mark? No, not me, not me. I'm not gonna lie, I also got distracted by everything visually that's been happening. I don't know what we're talking about. Ha ha, blah. Ha ha ha.

I gotta say, I didn't realize what shape my tongue would take when I started speaking. Almost went the wrong way on that one. Fuck man, I don't know. I had another idea that was even better than some of the things I had written. It's gone now. I don't have an excuse for having a better ending topic. I did have one

I didn't write it down because I was listening to an answer and per usual I waited it and I forgot it I'm sorry. I'm a terrible host a worst listener and an even worse friend. That's where we are minus 10 points to me Any any final excuses you guys want to give on anything for bonus points? Any kind of topic that you guys just think you need to apologize for? My dog ate it. I believed that the end of the world was about to occur. Many people were really excited about it and I got swept up in the fervor.

I don't know what you guys are even apologizing for, but that's fine. I shit my pants again. I was trying to pull an elaborate prank on a friend where I made him think he shit in his pants, so I shit in his pants. Then I ended up, I shit in my pants again. I was trying to pull an elaborate prank on a friend where I made him think he shit in his pants, so I shit in his pants, then I ended up, I shit in my pants because I was thinking about it all day.

I tried to do that prank where you leave a bag of flaming dog poop on someone's porch, but I misunderstood the point of the prank and ended up lighting myself on fire and running away. That's funny, I thought you were gonna say I misunderstood it and I left it on my own porch. I fell asleep on a beach and then when I woke up everyone was gone and I thought I was in Castaway. I had dreamed that I had been in a plane and it was crashing and when I woke up it was like

I was just on an empty beach and so I carved a friend out of a coconut and then I was there for many days. I thought the other people that showed up the next day were hallucinations so I lost quite a lot of time in that one. I'm not gonna lie I went darker. I thought the other people that showed up the next day were hallucinations, so I lost quite a lot of time in that one. I'm not gonna lie, I went darker and I thought you were gonna say that you thought it was a coconut, but it turned out it was another person that you carved a face into that was just sun tanning

on their stomach. I like weights better, points to weight. I'm at negative eight now. Okay, let me tally up the points here. Mark, I have Fortnite, YouTube has been sad, wallet turned around, blood, statistical parental death. Sorry, Mark. Feel the, it looks like it says feel the boy.

I don't think that's what it says. I think feed the baby is that. Feed the baby, that's what it says. Feel the boy. Man, my handwriting sucks. Don't waste rope. Me the wake tire? I can't be what that says. Dent, coddle, don't

coddle kids. Podcast thought you smart. Uh, my pen went out. So it looks like it just says just tits move. Uh, just numbers. I think is what it says, but it looks like it says just just tits move. Uh, end of the world and breaking bad zombies. Five, 10, 15, 20, 23 points. Mark. That feels like a lot. Bob. I wrote fertile. Five, 10, 15, 20, 23 points Mark. That feels like a lot. Bob, I wrote Fertile? No, Fortnite. I'll give me both of those things.

Come on now. Saul plans Fortnite. Phone case news. Final stretch. Dump. Smell. Parents died. Got the shot.

Legal, no assumptions. Gordon Ramsey, dog ate it, iron deficiency, spit, for not being Mark's answers. I know at least two of these points were meant to go to Mark but they went to you which is why Mark got the sorry Mark points. So Bob you ended up with 5, 10, 15, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24. And I forget how many Mark had. 23. Oh, that's less. So you probably earned 22, but I wrote down 24.

Well, thank God you gave Mark exactly enough points to make it fair and didn't short him any. Well, I think I gave you two for an accident. So I gave Mark two for sorry. So that should have balanced it out. And actually, you know, if I've really been smart, I would have given Mark more points to offset because just tying them up doesn't mean he would have gotten a net positive yeah that's

what I've been kind of saying the whole time yeah it feels like you're just choosing him to be the winner anyway that seems fair oh shit I threw my red flag oh I forgot to post about it what day that's too late man another episode came out no it might be tomorrow it might be tomorrow. No yeah I think I think it came out on Monday. But you know what Mark I will I will give you the offsetting points that you should have had from the other things instead of tying it up I should have given you four to make up for the two because you deserve to have a net two so you do deserve 25. And Bob still wins.

No I still can post about it because the last episode was bad or worse which I hosted so the next one must be unfair. You're about to get your ass reamed out of your ass. I honestly forget what you even threw the flag about. Was it in the- Oh, don't act like you don't know. Was it in the 20 questions episode? Was that the one? Yes. Yeah, it was you, Bob. It was you! I threw it for that because you- Oh, you better look out Mr. Fork Plastic. You know Bob, I should give you some points for Mark threatening you, I kind of feel bad for you. Because right now Mark's up by one point, but like I feel like I should give Bob some pity points for being threatened and stuff. Bob, how do you feel about it? Should I just give Mark the win or should I give you a couple bonus points?

Do you feel like you earned the win with the last 30 seconds of conduct you've displayed? Yes. Well, that's just a straight up lie. No, no, I was drunk. You always sound like you're choking down a whole cob of corn when you lie. I was drunk. I've never eaten corn in my life. I don't know.

What do you mean, dude? Isn't corn part of your cracker barrel order? I haven't seen corn in many years. Del Monte is his favorite sponsor. I don't even know how to spell it, let alone eat it. I think you should give me the points. No, because I'm making a bad excuse and therefore I should get the points because- You weren't making any excuse, you were just lying.

No, that was a bad excuse. You didn't accept it. Did you accept it? You didn't. Technically he did say he's never even seen corn, which is a pretty shitty excuse. Either accept my excuse and I win, or accept my excuse, not accept my excuse, and give me a point, which means I win. Checkmate, I have cornered you into a logical trap that you cannot beat, because if you accept my excuse, then I win, and if you don't accept my excuse, I'm in theme. Bob, if you beat that, I'll let you in. I'm not the judge. I accept your excuse. I can't give you any points for that.

Well, if he accepts your excuse, that makes it a good excuse. Well, there's definitely no points for that. I mean, I guess you get the moral victory of having your excuse accepted. I think Bob just 5D-chest you. I just had my queen fly a B-52 bomber across the board and carpet bomb your logic right off the three the chess three playing field okay mark you have more points you have unfair you have solve this Bob has pity and then he has 5d chess right now the total is mark 25 Bob 26 because he out chest you just me I mean he accepted your excuse and then

couldn't award you points because he accepted it and then I had to look at it as a good excuse, he accepted your excuse and then couldn't award you points because he accepted it. And then I had to look at it as a good excuse because he accepted your excuse. And bad excuses would have gotten you a point. I'll make you a deal. Huh? You can have as many points as you want, as long as Wade is then allowed to give me whatever amount of points he deems necessary. To what end? Necessary for what?

I don't know, it's just his judgment. I'm leaving it, I'm not, this is a clear opportunity for you to win, leaving it in the hands of a person that we know to be very fair and not biased against either one of us. I have, I think, a fair scenario where either one of you could emerge victorious. I'm playing by your rules. So Mark, answer Bob's quandary about the number of points. Alright, yeah, I'll play this game. Yeah, okay, alright.

Listen, if I were to say the right number of the points that I would need and then Wade has a scenario in his head where the number that I pick has two options spawning from it where one I win, two I lose or heads I win, tails you lose or is it not that situation? Because it couldn't just be I think of a really big number and he's already gonna give you a number It couldn't be that simple because if I just say a very big number that probably sounds too greedy And he would that he definitely has he has an upper bounds and a lower bounds I'm gonna select a number and type it into my phone as a text to you win Okay, I should message you what my thought is don't tell me I'm just gonna tell you what I think would win mark the game

Because I think I understand I think I understand the gauntlet Yeah, we all do of course we do and then I I know I know the number I know it I know it. I know it I request 777 points oh Interesting Bob win mark. Here's what I thought I thought okay No fucking clue of what mark asks for any number of positive points. That's being greedy, I'll give Bob more.

Mark asks for no points. Maybe it's a tie. Mark says, you know what? A couple of my points have been given to me unfairly, you can take some away. I'll take even more away from Bob, for you being humble, and then you get the win. Being as you asked for any number of points that was a positive number, had to give more to Bob well I didn't have to figure that either thank God mark was one who had to guess yeah I didn't know what the fuck was going on the whole time yeah I didn't either Bob kind of put me on the spot I had to come up with scenario I was like you know what if someone's nice and says take points away that person shows true heart and spirit and determination and they

should get the win it was a false quandary because the negative scenario is hypothetical I didn't I had I didn't have unfair points added. I had unfair points taken away Yeah, I son of a bitch. I'm sorry you had zero deductions And in fact, I gave you four points in the end. You gave him more I gave you four to make up. So you were supposed to get two. I accidentally gave him two. I gave you two to make up for it. Yes, which doesn't make up for it. That's how it works.

You ended up with four. He ended up with two. When instead you should have just had two. You still end up at plus two. No, I didn't get the four. They're on here. I wrote them down. No, you didn't tell me that.

Who are you Wade? Yes, he did say that out loud. No, you didn't tell me that. Who are you Wade? Yes, he did say that out loud. No, he didn't say that out loud. What he said was we were all at the net zero part. Editors play the tape. But you know what Mark, I will give you the offsetting points that you should have had from the other things.

Instead of tying it up, I should have given you four to make up for the two cause you deserve to have a net two. It's in there. When, when? After you said, but that's a net zero The last time you said it he was like oh shit. You're right, and then he gave you two more points, okay? All right, I got I got a way to make all this fair. You know it feels great to be a winner

This has been a great time keeping track of the points accurately except this one this is a hard fought one and I really put his all into it but at the end of the day I'm just a little more skilled in this department of making excuses and I wish that it could have been any other day but today was my day I was really on my A game I can't say anything negative I can't say anything negative from him But it was fun. It was ultimately it was a fun time. He's a good person His character has always been I really appreciate you hosting a great episode You know the most fair judge I've ever known so it feels great to be the winner

I'll now toss it off to the loser Bob Mark. Go ahead, buddy Have a good speech buddy Bob you won this episode, but I feel like all of a sudden I lost it. So I'll give the loser's speech. Everyone out there sub rated, I hope you can defend this episode of what it was meant to express and be. However, you all know I'm lazy. Watchers, listeners,

per usual I've probably let you down to some extent. However, my excuse is that I'm unapologetically me. I'm bald, I'm tall, I'm proud. These guys gave up and down amounts of effort, but in the end I believe the correct winner was assigned. We had a fair ending game that Mark had a chance to win, but he chose greed over humility and that was his undoing. So Bob will be hosting the next one. Thank you all so much for watching. You can find us at our respective channels. Meet me at million777 or lordmillion777, Mark at Markiplier,

Bob at MySkirm. We have merch, distractablestore.com. Hopefully there's new stuff coming there soon. I don't know what's left of the original stock. We'll see. Stay tuned for the next one. Until then, Bobcast out.