Distractible - Uplifting Children's Stories

Episode Date: April 22, 2024

Once upon a time, in the land where podcasts remain, Mark and Wade write very strange stories for Bob's son James. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Bonable Bob tells of Tyler's desert destruction, then gets the gents to play Brothers Grimm. Masticating Mark gets Gratis Grub, is mobbed by matrimonial management, and heralds hope. Western Wade gives Giraffe parental guidance,

stoically stands for the circle of life, and pays homage to homework from Trevor Noah to Bob's wagon trail Yes It's time for uplifting children's stories now sit back and prepare to be distracted and Enjoy the show

Hello and welcome back to yet another episode of the best podcast that's ever been made, that you've ever heard, that you ever will hear, and that I've ever been a part of. It's Distractable. You thought it was gonna be something else, but it was, it's not, it's this one. This is the best one.

Is this a podcast by Trevor Noah? Why did I? Trevor Noah. What? Wait, do you not pay attention to things or? Of course I don't, it's me. Hell, my last episode didn't even have a topic. What do you think?

He was the guy who hosted the Daily Show for quite a long time until recently when he retired from that and now he has a podcast. Have you seen some of the episodes where Jon Stewart is back hosting again? Yeah, they have a really good team right now. Top tier Daily show stuff. John Stewart just has like an it factor about him that like not many hosts of any show do.

Yeah, I don't know. It's it's nuts. Like he's not hosting every night. Mondays. Yeah, Mondays. And it's that they're great. To be fair, I never saw any of Trevor Noah's. He might have been great too.

I never saw him host, but I have seen a lot of the John Stewart ones because for some reason the YouTube algorithms like Did you see John Stewart? I'm like, oh god, please don't watch leave me alone Okay so it's funny that you're saying that as a description because that's exactly what we're talking about with the Trevor Noah thing where it's like Have you heard about his podcast? And where it's like the John Stewart thing is just like it's popular so it gets recommended because YouTube's algorithm

Is just like based on recommendations of what it thinks it is. These are just advertisements going, BAH BAH BAH! Anyway. So what about Trevor Noah? He has a podcast and it's getting recommended everywhere? I don't know anything more than it's a podcast and Trevor Noah made it. Oh. Why don't we get popularized like that?

We should be thrown in people's faces. I think we have and do. We should more! I want to be the Trevor Noah of podcast faces. I think we have and do. We should more. I want to be the Trevor Noah of podcasting. I think we could. Yeah, that's look, it's a, there's a, I'm the host because I won last time fair and square. Cause I was a master of the topic at hand and I delved deeper

and swam more broadly around in the pool that was Wade's incredible topic. The ocean really. Immeasurably large ocean. The Marianas Trench of a topic that Wade set us up with for last week's episode. He is like the James Cameron of ocean exploration, guiding us to places unseen. And I was the eight foot tall blue guy who mastered it. James Carr is Avatar, right? That's that's. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Good. Nailed it. My competitors, Mark and Wade, will be competing for points.

The winner gets the most points theoretically. It could be the lowest points. Who knows? The points are arbitrary, but they are tracked in the book. This is my book. It's not a poop book, which feels inadequate now compared to Wade's poop book. Could have had a poop book. I don't have a topic that compares to what Wade put up last week.

Really catching some strays here, man. It's not strays, they're aimed directly at you. Feel like I'm really catching some strays that aren't meant to hit me, but they are pelting me. No, but small talk, how's it going? How's it going, dudes? I defer to Mark. Mark's been sitting on small talk for like a month

I can't wait to hear it. Mark's over here crunching up our ears Yeah, editors will meet me every time I'm crunching so And the crunching is done because it's time to get your brains crunching onto a mystery That I've got for you guys, right? So this is something that occurred very recently Amy and I we were out at dinner and we were sitting at a booth munching away and this other table gets seated and it's immediately confusing. Well other people are allowed to go to restaurants Mark. They knew they put his name on the list as Markiplier plus one. They should have known.

I'll back up a step because this restaurant that we went to that I should probably say the name of but I can't remember right now because they're very nice. Markiplier's Foods. It's- one of the managers there was a fan. And I think his name was Ethan, and he was a really nice guy. I don't want to say it happens a lot, but it happens with way more frequency than I feel like I deserve. But I'll get recognized at a restaurant and they will bring out so much free food. It's almost always free dessert, but it's this guy devastated us with food. It was actually, it was a nice steak place.

Again, I can't remember the name of it, but it's in Austin. I just wanna say, I know we've told the story probably multiple times before, but are you saying they brought you so much free dessert that even Tyler could not have finished it before you got back to the table? That's just one of the funniest things I feel like I've ever seen happen. For anyone who doesn't remember, we've told the story before in full, but like we were all at a restaurant together, like Tyler and Wade and Molly was there, like big

group of friends and the waiter or the manager or someone recognized Mark and was like, oh Mark, I love you. I love you YouTube,. Whatever. And they sent out like a dessert that was on a plate that had like written in chocolate, like, Oh, Markiplier, we love you or something. And Mark was like, you know, it was like a whole cake or something. It was a big dessert. And Mark was like, I got to go to the bathroom, but like, we can share this. I'm not going to eat this whole thing. You guys have. And Mark gets up, goes to the bathroom.

And as Mark is walking back to the table from the bathroom, Tyler scoops up the last bite of the entire dessert, locks eyes with Mark as he's sitting in his chair and goes and Mark sits down and looks at the empty plate and is like, you didn't even say me like a bite? And Tyler's just like We all ate it, we all ate it! It was so fucking funny! It was very funny, it was very funny He did feel bad he wasn't being a jerk But it was so funny!

Yeah, that made me even funnier Okay, the place is called J Prime Steakhouse, right? So it's a really nice steakhouse in Austin It was a lovely place This guy sent out pretty much every appetizer they have Damn And when I go to a steakhouse, like, I'm not there for appetizers really, I'm there for the steak. And so I would usually get maybe a salad and then a steak. It was like this trio of incredible bone marrow, which I don't think I've ever had.

You've had it in a soup form, bone broth, never just the marrow? I mean, pretty much, yeah, but it was like the straight marrow, which I may have had like a different form of it, I've never had it where the bone is there and you take a spoon and you pull the marrow out. We buy those for our dogs sometimes. They had a huge charcuterie board, like an enormous charcuterie board with like three different types of cheese, three different types of meats, olives, nuts, almonds, like honey, the whole thing. They had, uh, god, there was another one that I can't remember. There was another appetizer amongst these things.

Oh, no, they sent out these like wagyu strip little cubes that you cook on a hot stone that they bring out. That was the other part of it. Oh, those are fun. It was super fun. And he brought all this and I was like, oh, this is way too fricking much. And at the end of it, he like comped it all.

He comped all of it. And I'm like, what do you do? What they do is everyone and at the end of it he like comped it all. He comped all of it and I'm like What they do is everyone else at the restaurant they add a little fee It's called mark is here and they're like, oh why am I paying an extra five dollars? Then it adds up to where they pay for your meal and then they look at it and they go I understand I know my duty So after my my my grand treatment we sit there and another table gets sat there This is the other part of the story. It was very nice, great place. Initially about ten people sit down. It's like a fourteen top table. Ten people come in. Nine of them are women. All probably in their late twenties to mid thirties.

Maybe a little older, maybe a little younger. This man does not fit. It's nine women and one man. The man is like in his forties. Larger, balding glasses, you know blue button down No suit jacket just a blue button down no suit jacket and all the ladies that look like they're dressed up like fairly nice But not like you know not like they're going to a gala or anything like they're going for a nice night out as the night progresses more and more of these women come in and sit down and We can't figure out why it's fine fine, whatever, we're not judging, whatever the scenario is. But in your minds, what is this?

Is it a business? Cause it's like, he's in a button down shirt. It looks like a business blue button down shirt. There's singers in an all female choir and he's the conductor. Could be, could be. But I'll give you some more information about it. There's a few key details that I want you to try to puzzle this-

Did he get to eat food? He was eating. Oh. Not- It wasn't like all of the women weren't like looking and talking to him, like they were fawning over him. He was talking to like the women across from him to the side, and everyone else was having their own conversation. The last person to arrive is a lady in a cowboy hat. No one else is wearing a hat. She sits at the end of the table, the only person sitting.

The other end is empty. She sits at the end. There was an open seat that she could have taken near this guy, but she sits at the end. Only person with a hat. I don't know what it is about a hat, but no one else had a hat. Seems like a figure of authority. I don't know. And it's a steakhouse, so this is gonna be a big bill. Like, just me and Amy there was expensive, and it's like, this is a big team of people, right?

Here's the even bigger kicker. The guy was wearing a lanyard. What does that mean? He's Philip Rivers, and that's all of his kids. Like, around his neck, a lanyard with, like, cards clipped onto it or something? I couldn't see what it was, because I never got close enough. Like, I did the same thing, I'm going to the bathroom so I can get a better look at what's going on here So I go to the bathroom come back I can see he has a lanyard with like what looks like a tag of some sort a badge. Yeah, it's a badge It's not a business card. It's a badge, but it's a lanyard and I'm like is this he's a college professor

He held a class and he made a bet that his students couldn't all ace the test They did so we had to treat them to a night out that I think they're older than that because this could be grad school like but it seems like these are working Professionals or at least past college typical college age It would be abnormal for a large group like older people can go to college of course But it seemed like they were above all of them the average age range for college was there a Pharmaceutical sales rep convention in town? So we looked up conventions. Really? Yes, that's what our thoughts went to. We did. There was no pharmaceutical convention. There was no other convention. There was nothing except for a convention that I'm gonna hold off on saying what it was. I want you to try it.

Accountants? No. Okay. Okay, there's a wedding and the groom only had one groomsman, but the bride couldn't decide on her bridesmaids So she just picked every female friend she had and they went out to dinner together And it was just really awkwardly lined up because there were like ten of them and one of him You know you're very close if that person wanted to get help planning that they would have gone to this convention It's a wedding planners convention? Wedding planners convention, and then everything fell into place. It was like T planners convention? Wedding planners convention. And then everything fell into place. It was like, oh, like it made perfect sense.

Because these are the, these are predominantly women that are of the age that would be in kind of a business that seemed like that would be totally understandable. It's definitely more women than men are in the wedding planning business But not all and so this guy did seem like he either ran a booth or was part of a company that was part of Wedding planning he's giving off big vendor vibes with his blue button down He's a wedding planner is a man or a woman is a person who dresses pretty stylishly to me like there They are fashionable. They know what is and is not like currently. They would not wear button down pleated khakis lanyard around the neck. I'm sure that was like the convention badge, right? I'm sure

none of the women who were dressed nicely had a lanyard around the neck. I'm sure it was in their purse. It was strapped on there. Yeah. No one else had a lanyard. They had that somewhere where their look wasn't spoiled by a lanyard hanging around their neck like that so that dude that dude definitely like it runs a catering company or is like a table rental vendor or something like My other guess was that he was playing daddy war bucks or whatever his name is like the new production of Annie and they Were all competing to be the orphans. He adopted I think you're thinking really like way too young for what Mark described pretty explicitly.

Well in the play, yeah you're right. It's a bunch of adults with an adult one. Daddy Warbucks was like, yeah who wants to get adopted? Huh? Do I'll need a daddy? Oh, yeah I didn't like it even before I said it out loud that it was, can I just say it doesn't sound that outlandish but the dude really throws a,

unless he was like clearly in charge, I get why that's like, he didn't seem to belong. Yeah, it wasn't like it seemed scandalous, but it's like us as we're trying to desperately hork down all the food. Oh, I forgot about dessert. They sent out free dessert, but you know, instead of like, when we had a big table of like eight

people, it was a large piece of, it was a cake that was like six layers high. It was about this big. I'm holding my hands apart in the size of about a football. Not even Tyler could have stopped you from trying it. I made that joke. Yeah, I know, but I made it again. I actually have more small talk that I was,

I was really holding back. Yeah, you gave me nothing, dude. You gave me nothing. You deserve to lose. Mark had so much small talk and he just gave it he just saved it for me i got literal shit as small talk and he saved all this for you well wait do you want to turn do you want to break up all the mark centric no no no but listen i i gave it my all let him go let him cook all right let

him cook all right so i gotta give a shout out to i know i've said before um and this is probably still in the vein of a little bit of preferential treatment, like I wanna preface that with like, I don't think that they would do this harder, but Stagger Dynamics. I gotta give another shout out to them. For those who don't know, they built the computer that I had, and they helped me out, and they really, just like I emailed them, and they get back to me, and they try to work through any computer solution that I've had. So I'm in Austin, right? So what I find that I need,

cause I know that there's a possibility for like cloud computing. You can rent GPU power online, especially nowadays, like people want like the AI inference and GPU power like that. I'm not really about that. I don't know about the security of that, especially when it comes to like making a movie, putting things on the cloud. I don't know how to make it robust and make sure it's fine. So I reach out to them. I send an email and I'm like, this sounds crazy. I know. Short notice, I know. Is there any kind of loaner computer that you could send out to me? And I know this is a huge ask, and of course I'd pay for it, but it's like, is there any kind of loaner computer? I don't know if you guys know this, but I've had to, I've tried to do this with computer manufacturers a lot.

I've tried to have someone that's like a partner that can work with, I go around the country a lot and I find like it's very difficult to bring a computer because it's easy to get damaged. So it's like- And you need more than a laptop for a lot of stuff. Exactly, and if I do get a laptop, like that's why I do like the MacBooks

is because for editing specifically, the new Apple chips are very good for that specifically. But when it comes to graphical rendering of CG scenes, you need those GPUs, you need the horsepower and that these Apple chips can't provide right now. So I reached out to them and I'm like, is there anything? And they're like, well, we've been thinking about like a loaner program, but we haven't gotten very far,

but maybe we could like throw together one of our test machines and send them out there and we could work out like a fairly, a fair weekly rental rate and I'm like I almost start crying because I couldn't believe every other time that I've had to do this like I've had brand deals with computer manufacturers where I've asked for these kinds of things and they're like oh well man I we don't have an advertising contract with you and I'm like it's not about advertising It's like I actually need computing equipment. I need computers

I I work with computers on the regular basis and as I progress in what I do I need more and more powerful computers It doesn't exist. We can't negotiate that with you. It doesn't currently exist as a thing We do we couldn't possibly find a way to say sure the answer's no Couldn't say sure no. It's just like so I just gotta say and I don't know it's like we're not sponsored by them I'm not sponsored by them. I'm still paying I still pay for the stuff that I get but it's just like man shit. That's customer service right there and God that's really nice It's such a simple thing that you're right. You cannot find people do not like just do things outside of the normal scope like that Very often. I will say I do understand a lot of the companies you probably dealt with mark are bigger like corporate companies There's a strict there's a structure that comes with corporatization of something like

that where it's like Dell has a structure and has a lot of rules and one person can't just be like, well, we don't really have a system for this, but I'll just make it up. It's not, I'm not saying it's good, but you're not allowed to do that. But Stygian Dynamics is more of, they're not a small company, but they're not a corporation. They're a smaller shop than like a big international corporation. And so, they, I can understand why they would be like, we could probably work some, because they have, they don't have all, you know, they don't have a board, they don't have 30 executives above them telling them what they can.

There's probably one guy with enough authority on his own to be like, yeah, we can make something, we can work that out. That's cool, that's cool. I'm surprised that's not something that's, it's not super common, but you're not the only one who needs that. There have got to be a population of people who do something related to what you do or similar enough to where it's like you travel a lot, a laptop is not adequate. If you could rent high end computing stuff where it's like, I'll be here for a month. I need I need a workstation. I'm not bringing my workstation.

They don't have one. Yeah, it would be. I would pay, you know, I'd rent a computer if I could. I'm surprised that doesn't exist in a way that's more. It is even rare for me to need to do like high fidelity CG work. It just so happens that some of the things in the movie that I'm making you can do by yourself. The blender nowadays is good enough that you can render movie quality graphics in there.

You know, the tools to make really high fidelity stuff is more accessible than ever. It's just a hardware limitation. Yeah, it's like the the gaps are getting smaller in between those things. But yeah, it's just like sometimes that is necessary. Even big companies, production companies probably need that stuff. The big production stuff, I guess you bring your footage to whatever post house or effects house or whatever. And they but like as stop media is getting increasingly run and gun, even big productions kind of have a lot of more of that, like run and gun style to them where it's like you're not this is not in a studio in L.A.

where everything is. You're doing this on the you're doing this wherever you can. You know, you're doing it cheaper, which is not always good for the people who are doing the work. But like, seems like that would be a thing, but I guess it's not. But that's cool. Good job, Tiger Dynamics. Just wanted to say another appreciation. Really cool. I can't promise they would ever offer that for anyone else. Yeah. Well, it's like not an official program or something, right? They just, they were just cool with you. So they were like, yeah, this is maybe overreaching, but I feel like this gives me the vibe of like you could tell when a company, the core of the core of a company like that is people who are just genuinely like into what they do. And they're not their immediate concern isn't like, well, how do we do this in a in a business smart way? Their immediate concern is like, oh, that would be cool.

Yeah, I bet we could make that happen. Because they're interested. They're interested in the tech, right? They're like computer nerds. And they're like, yeah, we could do that, couldn't we? And that would be really cool Yeah, I bet we could make that happen. Because they're interested in the tech, right? They're like computer nerds and they're like, yeah, we could do that, couldn't we? And that would be really cool, wouldn't it? And then they figure it out. Yeah. People that have the capability like they're allowed to, but also just go out of their way to provide good customer support and service. It makes a huge difference. I think that's really cool.

I should buy something from them. I never have. Sorry, Stiker. It's fine. How often do you need like a high powerpower computer I mean they do other computers too but well for our movie we're making next year Bob and I are coming together to make one it's gonna be called more blood than mark used good fucking luck man it's called tanks of blood it's a horror story about a man who makes the world's largest tanks of blood it's very scary it It sounds less scary than it is. We're very early in the storyboarding. Like all good episodes, it's time to move on to the topic.

Are you guys ready for this one? It's a zinger. It's a bing banger. I have a child. We don't, so we lose? Yeah, that's it. If you have a child, you get points. No child, no points.

No, I have a young one and he, you know what's tough? He gets bored with things quickly. He moves on. He needs a lot of stimulation. He needs a lot of intellectual stimulation and he needs to learn valuable lessons about life and the universe and everything. And I don't wanna have to go out and get more books cause I'm lazy. So I want you to make some books for me to read to James. This, before we get started, this reminds me, there's an SNL skit that always makes me laugh. I don't know if you guys have seen it,

but it's Bill Hader dressed up as the cat in the hat. These kids like, obviously two adults on SNL are playing kids and they're like, we're bored. They like make a rhyme-y wish. And then Bill Hader walks in He's like, oh girls. I'm the cat in the hat. And then like the mom is looking all nervous. She's like cat What are you doing here? And he like looks over he's like Linda It's very obvious they like dated once and the whole skits about how the cat might be these kids parents

Really funny. I do remember that, it's pretty good. I have no idea what you're talking about. Children's books are easy, simple. So simple even you can do it. Usually they have a fun whimsical cast of characters. Maybe it's animals, maybe it's fruits and vegetables, who knows? So we're gonna start by picking what kind of characters

you're gonna be working with. Also children's books frequently have like an important life lesson, a moral to the story. So I'd like you all, so we're going to work through this together. I'd like you also then to move on and pick what lesson you're going to be teaching James through your book. Oh, okay. And then we can, this last part is sort of freeform. I want to sort of like brainstorm, give you guys a chance to work it out.

Because what I would like the culmination to be is for you to perform the book. Because I also don't like reading, so I don't want to have to read it to my son. So we have to come up with more than just like a title and a subject we have to write the fucking book to? I mean, you could improvise it or you could use AI. You could, you could come up with your things. No, no, I won't use AI. What are you? You can do what you will

I'm just saying children's books so easy Easily entertain these children and so I think that you guys could help me out here and give me some interesting new Reading material though it I don't have to read because you're gonna read it for me and I'll just play that for James And then it'll be bedtime and I'm sure he won't have any nightmares or anything Excuse me while I don't type anything into AI at the moment. Let the brains cook. I do want to start with, I would like you guys to pick what sort of characters and setting this is gonna be in.

Animals on a farm, is it animals that live in a city? Is it fruits and vegetables at the grocery store? Are they in school? What's going on? What do you you come from? Alright, I gotcha. Yeah. So the first and most important thing a kid needs is to understand social hierarchies, right?

Like we need a character that is alpha, we need a character that's beta, omega, sigma, and whatever else the other ones are. Because it's important to get it started early. Just like a Harry Potter house You got to be sorted into your Greek Category kids need to know who's who's better than them and who they're better than very clearly you want to make sure everything's categorized No, that's good. That's healthy in your in your cast of characters mark. Who would you say is the protagonist? Is the Sigma the protagonist or that doesn't feel very Sigma I guess. I don't know who's- No no yeah.

Because the Sigma doesn't have that kind of pick me energy. The Sigma doesn't need to be the protagonist. They're too confident. Maybe it's a thing where it's like kind of copy green eggs and ham. You're trying to get the Sigma to try to be something. Yeah, yeah. But it's like I will not be alpha no ma'am I will not be alpha in sand I won't be alpha here or there I'm Sigma and I say it rare I love that word that's a good vocabulary word to teach the kids rare that's what I'm all about here. Working in vocab is just extra points, really. Yes. Shakespeare, often known as one of the greats. He made up words all the time.

Also known as Shake-HRAER. This was supposed to be for James specifically? I mean, you don't have to tailor it for him, but it is going to, I'm going to read it to him. So hopefully it applies to him a little bit. Oh no, I might need to revise my script. No, go with what you got. Go with script. No, go with what you got. Go with what you got, go with what you got.

Don't, yeah, come on. Look, let's generalize, let's generalize. It's not for James. I might read these to James, I might not, but this is just a children's book for the good of the world. This is for kids who go through things like I did when I was young and have parents who maybe... Okay.

Ahem, so hope this doesn't happen to you, Bob. I wrote it, I wrote the whole thing out though. when I was young and have parents who maybe split up. Okay. So, I hope this doesn't happen to you, Bob. I wrote it. I wrote the whole thing out, though. You want to hear it before I give you the title? You wrote the entire book? I just wrote it real quick. It's a short book, but I wrote it. Well, that's not what we're doing. I wrote it for you. He wrote it. Let's just see what he's got. We can chuck it out. We can chuck it out. We can chuck it out.

All right. Wade wrote the entire book go for it daddy's come daddy's go so dad should be quick to get to know no need to be down or to get sappy so find a new dad who makes you real happy don't you love mom with a smile on her face don't you want parents to go every place don't be sad that dad is now gone meet your new dad who's out on the lawn so there's no need to get down and feel saddy walk out with gone. Meet your new dad who's out on the lawn. So there's no need to get down and feel saddy. Walk out with mom and meet your new daddy. Okay. It's called don't get saddy meet new daddy. Okay. So are the characters, they're not animals or anything whimsical? They're not talking postcards? They're just, they're giraffes. Oh, they're giraffes. Okay. That that's pretty wh whimsical They're giraffes who are dressed like people and live in like people house

But they have big giraffe shaped doors giraffes that live in the suburbs, but the houses are real tall Yeah and it starts off with a picture of like the giraffe kid looking sad is like giraffe dad is just like walking out with his Briefcase and it gets a lot more light-hearted after that. Oh Okay. Okay Interesting, you know what? I respect it gets a lot more lighthearted after that. Oh, OK. OK. Interesting. You know what? I respect it. I'm trying to try to describe the point that you just heard.

Look, sometimes you need a niche book for niche circumstances. Not every kid goes through. I don't know if that's that niche in today's world. That certainly is a thing that kids have to deal with. I don't know if James is going to need that book. Let's hope not. Kind of felt awkward about that part after you said it. You're really manifesting a lot of stuff into my life right now that I, you know, you know, these things are preparing. It's preparing. It's good to have this in case case I ever

go to get the milk and then decide I changed my mind about what I'm doing with my life. Yeah, man. Second idea is a little bit more applicable and fun. Well, okay, you just read a whole lot. Let's give Mark a chance to rebut here. He got to go first. I think I should go first now. I got it, I got it.

Okay, all right. You could throw this one away. I don't care, I don't care. In a land where the tall mountains touched the sky lived Alpha Alpaca, noble and high high not far in the forest under a mighty oak Sigma squirrel plotted with the woodland folk alpha led with might Sigma with mind both sought to leave their mark on their kind Alpha's voice boomed across the land while Sigma's plans were quietly grand.

Alpha learned from Sigma the value of thought. Sigma saw in Alpha the battles he fought. Together they found much to their surprise. Their differences were their most valuable prize. You didn't write that, did you? That was an online written thing. What do you mean? Well, online written thing. No, it's not that thing he said. He said it was a thing, it's not that thing. I'm going to believe you. Did you write that yourself? I'm all I'm saying is it wasn't an online written thing. I didn't find it online

Did you yes or no? Did you write that all I'm saying is I'm not answering that question It's a yes or no question, which you don't have to answer apparently. Oh Wade. This is what we're doing now What do you have? So, you know the book Everybody Poops? Yes, great book. Good read. Alright, I've got the Life Hits You Hard one called Everybody Dies where it goes through loosing everyone in your life and how you cope. Okay, alright. This is why I'm not a parent. But you know, they're all like animal folk of different types.

There's squirrels and dogs. Oh, okay, it's animals. Good. Cute whimsical. And the lesson is life sucks deal. Are you it's are you gonna are you not reading the I didn't write that one out. I just I thought I didn't know supposed to read the whole one out. So I was just like, you know, I'll give you synopsis. Well, you just went right for that the first time I thought you were that's fine. That's okay. That's okay. I was inspired the first time and I really feel like I went the wrong way with it so I thought I would tone it down a notch okay man all of my ideas are all of a sudden a lot less fun than

I think normal children books are mark what do you have hit me with a winner I've got it okay you know the book I want my hat back sure yes I've got a new one it's not based on that at all so it's not copyright infringement I want my son back okay okay so it's like oh there's a bear call him Bob the bear going through the woods and he's like I want my son back I want my son back and then there's that panel where it's like where's my time it's over there over there and then the panel where the Bob the bear is sitting and it's all red and it's like I have seen my son and then it's like the son's over there with a new daddy and

Murder and what's the lesson mark don't take my son. That's basically that book I gotta admit that's that's that book So this is more of a children's book that's kind of for the parents in a lot of ways Aren't they all some of them really aren't. Some of them have nothing to offer parents. Some of them are just for the kid and the parent reading it is kind of like, oh, okay. I agree.

Like my next book, Children Learn to Pay Taxes or Live Off the Grid. Poof. Where you teach the valuable lesson we never learned is how to deal with your taxes and if you don't want to pay them, don't let the government find you. Okay, what are the characters in this valuable lesson book? Oh, you know! Well, I guess, is it giraffes that live in the off of the grid homesteading?

Silly, Bob, no. There's a slippery snake who lives off the grid, but thening? Silly Bob, no, there's a slippery snake who lives off the grid, but then there's that slow moving sloth who just can't get away. And then there's the good lemur family who always pays their taxes. Okay.

Anymore questions? All right, I got it. Mark, save us. I think that was a terrible idea. I've got it here. This is gonna teach kids a life lesson that they need to understand Bob the bonobo had a curious quirk Do you mean bonobo a bonobo? bonobo bonobo

He said Bob the bonobo. I hate the way you say that word is so much All right Bob the bonobo had a curious quirk, drinking hot tub water with a big silly smirk in the jungle so lush where the wild rivers flow he'd skip all the streams for a hot tub's warm glow. Bob, oh dear Bob the Bonobo. They didn't say that I added the name. Drink- I mean, I added- I wrote it. Uh-huh. Ihuh I wanted that there drinking that water you must do no more But Bob with a laugh would jump right back in sipping and gulping with a mischievous grin Then there's some lesson about yeah one by one day to Bob came a wise old toucan

Drinking like this was never the plan nature's own water is clean and it's free. Try it dear Bob And then you will see. From that day on Bob changed his ways. No more hot tubs in his jungle maze He drank from the river He drank from the rain and never once did he sip hot tub water again You did that thing where people try and rhyme again with words that sound like rain and I dislike that very much Interesting. I think it teaches kids that you just need to go out and drink the river water That's the best which we all know is true living off the land, right? It's what Wade was getting at but not in the right way

Showcases that man-made hot tub water is full of lead probably. I don't know if it's man-made water that one felt I'm gonna catch a lot of strays over here I felt like it almost was aimed at me, but not quite. No, it's about James Do you know what a bonobo is mark just scared? Yeah, those sex crazed monkeys. Is that an accurate? Are they sex crazed? That's an accurate description my friend. Why are they sex crazed? That's an accurate description my friend. Why are they sex crazed? That's an accurate description I don't like the way you're inside me bonobo, but no bow. That's what you're saying. We're saying the same thing You're saying bonobo. The first O is not stressed like that. It's bonobo No, my emphasis is on the second syllable bonobo bonobo bonobo bonobo

bonobo bonobo bonobo bonobo bonobo Bob you're looking very bonobo. Thank you syllable. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no do you, bring it back. Well, you know how some kids like start to act out and they're mean and they have to be like told to behave a little bit. So I've got a book called, Children Who Do Homework Will One Day Be Your Boss. I'll read it to you. Oh, you wrote this one out. Oh, I appreciate that. Okay.

Right now you're mean, but you should be nice. So take that bad temper and put it on ice. Do good in school, be nice to your friends, or you may not like where your goals end. You'll be working hard for that kid you were mean to, instead of with them on the design of a new lean-to. A good time camping out in the night, or working hard being stuck out of sight. So do your homework and be a good kid, or watch out as your life's on a skid. That story has a threatening aura and I like it. Well, sometimes you got to really let them know.

I appreciate that it doesn't hold back in terms of making sure that kids know everything can go wrong and their entire life could be ruined based on whatever they're doing right now in this moment. Yeah, my character for this one, it isn't a cat in a hat. It's a bat in a vat and that represents the bad kid being stuck in the vat unable to escape because they were naughty. Is it just an empty vat? Is it a vat full? The bats in there.

Yeah, but there's no like liquid or anything else. No, it's alone in this vat that it can't get out of. It's very sad. Okay. Okay. I feel like I'm nailing this. I mean, that's a good, there's a good, there's a decent lesson in there for James. Do you guys have anything positive for my son to hold on to? Can we, do we have anything? I do love a good threat to a child to make sure they understand the dire consequences of their actions. But what about like tales of friendship or like learning how to, I don't know, how to persevere through when things get tough or I don't know, you guys got any positive ideas?

Stan I wrote another quick one called Good Morning Sun, kind of like Good Night Moon. when things get tough or or I don't know you guys got any positive ideas? I wrote another quick one called good morning Sun. It's kind of like good night moon. Oh that sounds pretty positive. Okay hold on what? Okay never mind I guess I didn't. Wait wait hold on stop him stop him. Uh Wade stop. Can I go now? Can I go now?

No no no no I got an even better one I've got an even better one that's topical but still teaches joy and wants and needs and the futures of the world Are you ready? Oh, okay in a world where robots hum and toil lived Bob the Bobby Roosa Free of turmoil AI had taken jobs both big and small But Bob knew joy wasn't in work at all. Look around Bob would cheerfully say there's beauty and fun in every day though machines may work in our stead imagination can't be led. Bob danced in the fields under the sun's glow teaching children everywhere to let creativity flow paint Paint with your paws, sing with your heart. In every ending there's a new start. Though AI's here to stay for good, let's play and laugh as we should for

machines may mimic, but they can't create, the love and dreams that we generate. So bob the bobby rusa, wise and true, spread happiness and a new point of view in a world of AI Don't feel blue. There's still so much for us to do Wrote that that's why I was in a rush. I was so hard to write that was that was technically Why'd you pick a bet Bobby Russo a Bobby Russo? Do you know what that is? Yeah, it's like a pig deer It's yeah, it's called, it's called the deer pig. Kinda gross looking. It says sex crazed pig deer.

I don't... How many are all... Why is it sex crazed? I'm just telling you, man. That's a pretty apt description of it. What's going on with animals? Is that really... I mean, I don't know enough to question it, I guess, but maybe we should pick some less

sex crazed animals for the children's book characters. Well, I don't put that in the book. guess but I just maybe we should pick some less sex crazed animals for the children book characters Well, I don't put that in the book. Can I go to good morning, son now? Yeah. Yeah fine I gotta say this one's not as refined as my other ideas. I got the ending I'm still working on a little bit. So bear with me. Okay. Okay. This is a rough draft Good morning, son warming the trees. Good morning, son from the fish in the sea Good morning, son up in the sky. Good morning, son until one day you die. Good morning sun from the fish in the sea. Good morning sun up in the sky. Good morning sun until one day you die. Good morning sun, please don't go out.

Good morning sun for then I will shout. Good morning sun, please don't leave. No really, please don't leave. For all the love of things I'm scared of dying, please sun, please. That's all I've got so far. I get, I appreciate the aim towards positivity. It gets a little dark, no pun intended. That's why it's got so far. I get I appreciate the aim towards positivity. It gets a little dark.

No pun intended. That's why it's a work in progress. I'm trying to really find that positive. What's the what's the lesson, I guess? Appreciate the day and the things around us because you never know when the sun will go out. Technically a positive message, I guess. Can we give some that that will will be just nice and safe and entertaining

that I could definitely read to James? No traumatizing things or stuff like that. Just for one. Just to see. Yeah, I gotcha. I gotcha. This one's more about, you know, going to sleep. Okay, that's good. Okay. In a moon base far, where stars gleam bright, lived Rosie 8 Spoonbill Robert under the moonlight. His home was unique, an experimental dome, a place that this bird had come to call home. But oh, one day the air grew thin. Rosie 8 Spoonbill Robert felt a spin. I must fix this, he said with a yawn, but his energy waned from dusk till dawn. Though he'd tired, he felt, through corridors he'd roam, Rosy-Eight Spoon Bill Robert was oddly alone.

His steps grew heavy, his vision blurred, yet I'll try my best was all that was heard. The stars outside twinkled a silent cheer for Rosy-Eight Spoon Bill Robert, whom they held dear. I'm just so sleepy, he whispered a flutter in his heart, but his spirit was strong, refusing to part. The darkness crept in, a soft, embracing friend. Rosie ate Spoonbill Robert, didn't want it to end, but with each step he showed courage,

a fight, even as his world turned into a night. So close to the goal, his feathers brushed the switch, but Rosie ate Spoonbill bill Robert stumbled into a pitch I did my best He sighed a smile so mild as sleep took him gently the brave spoon bill child It's about it's okay to go to sleep some kids are afraid of going to sleep, but it's okay That makes me feel really positive about is he dying? He's going to sleep! He's tired. Oh, okay. He's choosing to go to sleep.

Oh no, not choosing. Oh. Does he- does the story continue? Does he wake up? No, no, this book's gotta end somewhere. There could be a sequel. There could be a sequel, but it would be another character. Is Rosate Spoonbill Robert... is he good? He'll be mentioned in the second one, like on a plaque of the book. Like a synopsis of the previous one or something. Yeah.

Yeah, like where the answers are, the plaque of the book. Some kids are afraid of going to sleep and... I'm afraid of going to sleep now. Yeah, so don't be afraid. It'll come take you no matter how hard you try to stay awake. You know what? I do feel like I could read that one to James. I'm not saying it's because he definitely won't understand

what's happening anyway, so it's okay, but I'm not not saying that either. Marshall. Okay, all right. So, that's not your... I felt like that was pretty hopeful. Adam. That could be... There could be more hope. Marshall. I'll work on that. I'll work on that. Okay, I'll work on that. Okay. Adam. Wayne? Wayne. Be happy child, for I need some points. Be happy child, enjoy need some points be happy child enjoy your young joints So run around child enjoy life around smile my child. I need not expound There's plenty of life and love all about life can be grand both inside and out

So be happy childs and sleep cozy and warm from the time in your crib through the time in your dorm Then life will get hard and we'll revisit this chat, but be happy now and don't fret about that You know what that one I got to say overwhelmingly compared to everything else we've talked about so far Ominously cheery. Thank you. I tried really hard. I didn't think ominously cheery was a was a combination that was really achievable But that was definitely ominously cheery So what was that been at the end about how it's gonna it well It's gonna get worse or you're gonna have to revisit the comments? Oh, you know, just after college, you know, whenever your student loans come due and like you gotta

pay taxes, worry about your career, then it's like I picked the right career, trying to find love and make love work, because you know, parenting and relationships are tough. On top of that, when you're struggling and it ends me, or to paycheck to paycheck, you know, life just gets a little hard so that's why you talk about it again later but for now be happy you know enjoy childhood the message is enjoy being young there's no rush to get old because there's so much goodness around now sure sure you know what I'd like that I'm coming around on it it was it was it was a little unsettling the first time I thought about

it but the more I think about it the more I feel like it's true and there's nothing wrong with a true story Thank you You got anything else mark? Um, I mean, what do you want? You want hope? Cuz I that was pretty hopeful but it seems like I only love a little more hope some stronger hope hit me with the hopium. All right Bob the bee buzzed high and low in fields where wild flowers grow. He danced in sunlight, sipped from blooms in a world brimming with sweet perfumes. Life is sweet. Bob hummed in flight. Each day a gift, each flower, right.

But the flowers dwindled, day by by day as meadows met their slow decay Bob searched wide his heart grew Sore for each day's joy less than before he found a field Untouched pristine a sight so rare so lush so green hooray cried Bob My search is done yet this new paradise had won for in this field so lush and bright lay a secret This new paradise had won, for in this field so lush and bright lay a secret just out of sight. A land that time would soon betray, where flowers bloom to wither away. The field, a trap, a final test. Bob worked till he could barely rest.

His hope a veil for deeper fears, for joy conceals the path to tears. The final bloom, so pure, so sweet. Bob savored his deceptive treat. Life is beautiful, he sighed in peace as darkness crept, a silent beast. Bob the Bee, in fields of doom, found beauty in impending gloom, a twisted tale, a hope in pain, where sunshine masked the coming rain. Yet in the end, Bob smiled wide wide despite the darkness that locked him inside. For hope, however bleak or slight, kept his little heart alight.

So what's the lesson in that one then? Hope! Oh, okay. Hope against relentless doom? Or hope in the face of guaranteed failure? Or what? No, well, it's like, you know, you gotta hope that flower is not gonna eat you.

Oh, yeah, I guess that's a good hope to have. That one didn't make me feel very good. Aw, man, what do you want from me? What do you want? I'm giving you hope. I'm thinking maybe this was a bad idea. What do you mean? What do you mean?

I've got another one. He's gotten all, you get to go first. I get one more. It's been back and forth. Yeah, it's been back and forth. So, yeah, so he's left a bad taste in your mouth, but I got this You're gonna save everything way. Yes, this one starts tough, right? But it ends in a good positive hopeful message. Sure. It's called I'll give you the title later Oh, okay. The world was cruel and we made some mistakes while you were young and nibbling on cakes

You didn't deserve the world we leave you but it's what you get. We wouldn't bereave you. I hope you can fix the problems we've made. Don't judge us too harshly. We also had no aid. We did our best and though we did fail, we sent our mess to you right through the mail. We know you're mad and we could have done better, but wipe those eyes. Don't let them get wetter. We know you're smart and have lots of tricks, so our mess is now yours and you'll find a fix And it's called the problems we leave you what titles work in progress But you know it's about how like the world's a mess and always has been and we've all had to deal with it now It's the next generation's problem to fix but we know they can do it. That's the hope right?

This was a mistake guys I you put this some real good stories here And I think maybe just they're just for like slightly older audiences than I was hoping for no they rhyme they rhyme So they're for like three year olds, and I appreciate the effort I'm too we were at mark we rhyme yeah, we rhymed We just wrote like ten books between the two of us in less than an hour I think we deserve a lot of credit for the amount of effort we've given. Sure.

What I got? No, this is everything you want. I swear. Okay. Are you sure? I've got one. Mark, can I have one more? I'll have one more.

I've got mine ready. Wade, you know what? You've been complaining the whole time. Go ahead, buddy. I think I did once, but I'll call it the whole time. I'm gonna say at least three times. Okay. So Mark, I'm jumping in.

Mine's still a work in progress. I did this quickly. Just want you to know, it's a couple of things that to replace. So it's going to be really good. Okay. Happiness, blah, blah, blah. Good message, good message. Ha ha ha. Probably need points to win this thing now, but that's life. Please don't have a cow. So smile and joy and laughter and stuff. Drink milk, eat veggies and grow strong and tough. Go out to parks and have a good time and finish this book with your own rhyme. It's called Creative Outlet, the book where you can kind of fill in the message yourself to some extent, but it's all positive. There's nothing

negative there. It was very positive. No, it was very positive. I did that for you. I hope you enjoy that one and feel comfortable reading that one. I did, you know what? That one made me feel the best out of any of them have so far. What do you got, Mark? All right, I gotcha. In a world of wagons rolling west, on the Oregon Trail, a daunting quest lived a tiny bonobo, Bob by the name, the smallest of his clan, but brave all the same. Bob was often left behind,

so small and slow. As the caravan moved, he struggled to follow. Through forests, dark, and rivers wide, Bob stumbled and panted, but kept his stride. Wait for me! He'd cry beneath the vast sorry sky, but the wagons rolled on, and the night would sigh. Each evening's campfire, a beacon of hope, Bob's tiny heart would struggle and cope. One night, the darkness was deeper than before, Bob lost his way, couldn't find the shore. Wolves howled, and the cold wind blew. Bob shivered and wondered what to do. The night was a blanket, thick and unkind. Bob feared he'd be forever left behind. With every step he felt more alone in the vast wild darkness so far from home.

But Bob never stopped. He pushed through the fear, remembering the campfire, hoping it was near. His tiny legs ached, but he couldn't give up for the hope of warmth and a friendly pup. The dawn was breaking, cold and blue, when Bobble, Bob, stumbled into view. The kids cheered, Bob, you made it through! For love and warmth, like morning dew! Bob the Bonobo, small but fierce, taught them all love's power to pierce. Through the darkest night and fears untold, bravery and heart turned lead to gold. So remember little ones, when the night seems long, let Bob's courage make you strong. No matter how dark, no matter the plight, morning always follows the longest night. I wish I had assistance right in my shit, damn. I wrote that all

myself! And it's based off of the true story of the Oregon Trail where kids would often be left behind because they were too slow to keep up with wagons and the parents just hoped that they would arrive there later in the night. And they did sometimes. They sometimes made it. Stan You know what? I'm not going to play it up too much. That was actually pretty uplifting, Mark. It got really sketchy in the middle and there's some complicated life lessons that probably don't apply to modern civilization as much as... But you know what? I appreciate that.

I think those both of those last two are very serviceable children's stories. I think they've all been. They were very brother's grim. Everybody dies, pay taxes, don't get sad, meet your new dad, going to sleep is okay. All right, I'm gonna take those last two and really hold on to those in my heart. And then I'm going to just read you the points that you guys got. I didn't even write stories for high school be the best time of your life or why grownups are sad. I skipped those two.

Those sound like complicated stories. All right, Mark, here are your points as scribed in the Book of Things. So famous, judging people, googled conventions, coercing companies to help you, rar, alpha alpaca, don't take my son, bonobo, sex crazed pigs, roseate spoon bill in space, not the bees, and more bonobo. Giving you a total of 12 points, Mark. Wade, you got doing nothing, Mark withholding love, still nothing, wrote entire book, Saddy Daddy, Everybody Dies, lemur taxes, bonable, threats to children, technically positive, ominously cheery,

next gen problems, and creative outlet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I sort of wrote that one over top of a lot of the other stuff I had written. Anyway, it was a close fight, but Wade, those earned you a total of 13 points. That's more than 12. It is more than 12.

Wait, does having more points mean I win? I didn't say that it doesn't. Do you want it to mean that you lose? No, no, I'm glad to win. Just at the start of this episode, you applied that like having more points doesn't do you want it to mean that you lose? No, no, I'm glad to win just at the start of this episode You applied that like having more points doesn't always you seem concerned Do you want to give any of your points to mark because you seem really bothered by that amount of points that you have? No, I want to keep them on with that bold decision today's winner

It's Wade are you acting like it's not gonna be what you said something in the intro of this episode where you're like Yeah, the host can decide who wins. It's not always who has the most points. So I was just afraid that that was some nugget of information you were implying. I'm not gonna foreshadow this episode in this episode. That's for later. I have, you don't have to give me points,

but Wade said something about, the story about peeking in high school. I actually have that story in front of me right now You have my children's book in front of you. Yeah, I got it I bought a copy. Would you like your loser speech to be your story about how you peaked in high school? Yes, I would. Here we go. In the heart of the jungle not too wide or tall lived Bob the bonobo Smallest of all his siblings were bigger much stronger indeed, but Bob had a spirit that none could impede. Peeking in high school,

It's perfectly fine, Bob would sing out, swinging from vine to vine. Being the best at such a young age is like being a star, bright on the stage. His friends would all worry, but Bob, what about later? He'd laugh and he'd tell them, I'm a now, not a later later high school's my jungle where I shine and roar and if that's my peak I couldn't ask for more Bob dance through his days his confidence unshaken his joy in the present never forsaking peaking early he'd say is a treasure not a plight for living in the moment makes every moment so bright so Bob the bonobo taught all who'd listen that shining right now makes the whole world glisten. Bonobo. It's bonobo. Bonobo.

Get her in more points if you could say it right. Bonobo. Bonobo? Bonobo bonobo. Good story. Good story about yourself, Mark. I appreciate the honesty. But Wade, congratulations. Probably. The episode's not over. Nah, I wouldn't do that to you. That'd be very mean. Do you have a winner's speech?

My winner's speech is also my last book of why grown-ups are sad. I'll read it to you. How uplifting. Thank you. Grown-ups are sad because they can't always win. Grown-ups are sad because they're out, not in. Children can laugh, cheer, and then cry, but adults must always keep a dry eye. So love being a kid as long as it lasts, because when you're old, you just want the past. So

enjoy being young and happy and stuff, because when you get old, it only gets tough. So you like being old? Oh yeah, it's great. Go to bed whenever I want, have mac and cheese whenever I want, have dessert at like midnight. Hell yeah. I gotta say, this didn't go exactly how I thought it would, but I appreciate you guys putting in a lot of work. There are definitely one or two stories here that I could read to James.

Good morning, son. The space one. The Rosate spoon villain space one was pretty good, yes. That would probably, the bees one also might, is maybe could work, but it's still. Meet your new daddy. Saddy daddy could work. Saddy daddy is an important lesson.

Learn to pay taxes. That one's not very exciting, but that is a valuable and important thing to talk about. They don't teach it in school. Someone's got to teach it. Might as well be children's books. I feel sad. Thanks for listening to this episode or watching only on Spotify. You could find Mark at Markiplier, Wade at LordMinion777 or Minion777. My name is MyS my skirm on the internet check out the merch at distractible store calm and New new and exciting stuff not yet out but soon coming book market Well, we'll tell you probably when this when this stuff comes out, but that's I feel genuinely depressed

I got one more you want one more. I'm so god got plenty of materials for James. I got one more Don't know save that for next save that for was something else tell somebody else I am done and I regret everything I've ever done. Thank you for watching listening. That's the end podcast out He asked mama bonobo. What happens when we're gone. Do we disappear before the dawn? Mama sighed. Bob, my dear, it's true. All things end. Me and you. Bob tried to smile to find some joy, but the fear lingered. Oh, poor boy. He laughed and played, yet deep inside the dread of endings never died. Bob lived with a heart so weary in a world he found quite scary.

He loved, he lost, he felt life sting and feared what each new day might bring. Remember, Bob, when you feel small, facing fears that make you feel appalled? Live with love, let joy ignite, but know all things end like day tonight.