Distractible - Wade Games

Episode Date: February 16, 2024

They conquered the “Escape Room,” they outsmarted the “Riddle Realm,” but can Mark and Bob survive the treacherous challenges that await them in the “Wade Games?” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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it's good food in a cup. Visit Knorr.com to learn more. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built in

so you can change the music. Oh yeah, Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, weaponized Wade bear traps the boys and acts the gruesome guru with a sinister RPG.

Bullish Bob licks hair, shits his pants, eats vomit, and can't get his fingers into holes. Hello everyone, games. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I'm your forever host, wait, why? Because I very fairly won the last episode and I'm joined here by my, uh, close friend? Acquaintances, at least. At least. There's a lot of pausing going on oh must be the internet connection we have i just want to say it's just a streak of unprofessionalism that uh if this were any other person hosting there wouldn't be this kind of uh stop and go it'd be all action all the time straight until the finish uh question unrelated to anything that might happen after I asked the question, is the

piss pants rule still in effect or is that used up now? You're certainly welcome to try and I will let you know. That doesn't sound worth it at all. How are you guys? I'm supposed to give you time for small talk and I'm, I'm nothing if not fair. What's up in your lives? What's new? What's old?

What's in between? I'm nervous. I feel unsettled. After the way the last episode played out and after your weird tone and pauses so far i'm nervous i feel unsettled after the way the last episode played out and after your weird tone and pauses so far this episode i feel unsettled i don't feel unsettled at all i feel confident more confident than ever i made a lens discovery and i'm gonna talk about it go on i super see you stopping me from talking about lenses and i'm quickly shifting gears i'm talking about ADHD. Everything's fine.

Still on my medication that I have. The stars is working. Okay. I'm shifting gears again. I noticed you're cutting me off at the pass and I'm going to talk about the moon. What about it? You thought you had me there. I'm going to talk about some expensive things that people can't buy and how I'm not just

frivolously throwing my money away, but it's all purposes for business reasons. Okay. What are you buying? Oh, almost got me there. Dodge, a movie update. Okay.

Yeah. No, how's it going? How's that going? Good. In the final sprint, you know, I stare down danger and I always foresee obstacles coming my way.

You almost had me there. I'm less unsettled now. I feel better. That's normal. You don't have a car. Ooh, a semi. Counter attack time. All right.

I'm going to mark down. Mark got me. All right. Hell yeah. Bob, anything else you want to add? Because I feel like Mark took us on a whole journey there. we were um on break just now i before we got on here i was i um looked at my phone and ios apparently has a journal app now and i feel prompted to start a chronicling of my life and adventures i have no entries you know what bob i'm gonna give you points i don't deserve points

no you get points i don't want points. No, you get points. I don't want them. Well, you get some because of your beautiful segue. For you see, I've been working diligently on a new game, and you guys get to test it for me to see how it's working. Okay, so how is this a ripoff of a good episode that Mark or I already hosted? Got it. I'm glad you asked.

So here's where we begin. You find yourselves in a small town. Night's descending as the sun goes down. You look up and see it on the horizon. It's a clear night, some clouds in the sky. You look around and you find various buildings around. You see what looks to be like dungeons to be explored in the distance.

Right in front of you, you see a sign. A sign pointing you in several different directions. There's a meeting, you see a sign, a sign pointing you in several different directions. There's a meeting hall, a gift shop, a great wheel, the arena, the moral combat dungeon one, parentheses, WIP parentheses, and the wheel of destiny. You've been wandering around for months trying to find purpose and something whether it's a guardian angel or a guiding i don't know fairy or something has just been pointing you in this direction something has been tugging at you pulling you in this direction and now that you're in this town you feel like you can fulfill your purpose how big how big it's a fairy oh can fit in the palm of your hand it's

too small is there any slightly larger fairies around? No. What does that... Don't ask Bobby. It's funny. I'm just asking, man. I scoot further away from Mark's character. I eyeball his pockets for more fairies. In what direction do you scoot? Because you see the sign points in different directions. Very slightly towards the gift

shop away from Mark's character. Without moving in any particular direction, you guys are sitting here faced with either wandering toward an unmarked destination or one of the marked ones I have listed for you. Ooh, I like unmarked destination. Yeah, I was, well, he's going towards the gift shop. I nudge towards unknown territories.

You walk face first into what appears to be an invisible wall, Mark. I see that and I run at it full speed ahead, head down thinking that I'll punch a hole in it. Bob, as you collide with this invisible wall where you see part of your face, your hands, your knees even go through the wall, but then they're thrown backwards onto the other side of the wall

not with enough force to throw you down, but to keep you on this side of the wall. Like rubber? Okay, I'm holding my broken nose and I'm going, hey wait, why did he get the rubber portion? And then I run at the place where he ran into the wall full speed, breast open. You have the same kind of thing that happens to Bob. Your breasts, your knees, your hands,

perhaps even your chin break the plane of this invisible wall. And then you're bounced backwards. I turn to Bob. Bob, I think we almost have it. We just need to run harder. After many hours laboring of trying to get through this invisible wall, you find yourselves have made no progress

and you've given up and have decided to try a different course of action. That doesn't sound like what I would do, but okay. Can I roll for inspiration? I'm going to give an inspirational speech to Bob about not giving up. You are able to give the speech. Bob, I know you're tired. I give up and walk away. Mark, you rolled a one. Damn. Do we have to go to the same place or are we going to different places? You can try whatever you'd like. Mark, do you want to go to the same place or do you want to split up? Depends on where you're going.

I still want to see the gift shop. I'm just curious. Yeah, I'll go to the gift shop. All right, we go to the gift shop. You approach the gift shop and you see a barrier preventing your entry saying level two required. I get a sharpie out of my pocket and scrawl a very terrible looking two across Mark's forehead. And then I run at the wall. You run smack into what feels like a solid wall, Mark, and you re-break your nose. It starts bleeding again and you fall over. Ah, damn it. All right. Well, I followed the sign. That's some sort of indication. Arrows emerge from the ground. mark and you re-break your nose it starts bleeding again and you fall over all right well if only the

sign had some sort of indication arrows emerge from the ground pointing you towards the great wheel well i'm on the ground today is that am i okay one lifts you up and puts you back on your feet wow that's a gentle arrow is it a fairy arrow is it a pharaoh it could be the arrows have probably misspelled terturial written on them, pointing toward the great wheel. I don't know what a terturial is, but I think we should go over there, Mark. All right, sounds good, Bob. Before I leave, I give the arrow that lifted me up a big wet kiss on the tip of its arrow.

The arrow, now slightly dampened, remains. As you approach the wheel, a voice from a place unbeknownst to you, perhaps another space and time, says, You see in your minds, parentheses WIP, parentheses, next to the dialogue. I say, uh, sup? I'm glad you asked, for your fate is before you. The wheel shall spin, and its results you shall honor. Is there anything visible on the wheel?

The words, or? Not yet, but the wheel begins to spin before you. And as the wheel comes to a stop in front of you, you see the words fair is fair. A bonus win is assigned to Wade. I take Bob's Sharpie and I scroll a Y at the end of each fair. Fairy is fairy. A bonus winnie is assigned to waitie wait what wait so that's

that's an episode win it is thank you appreciate your spin mark you want to spin the wheel of fairness or whatever the fuck it's called the wheel bursts throwing you back toward the center of town new arrows emerge thrusting you from the ground pointing you in another direction the meeting hall i just walked mindlessly towards where the arrows were pointing not even paying attention to what it is as you get more than about 20 feet away from mark some weird glitchy stuff happens where mark is and he finds himself rubber banding to catch up man the lag bob it doesn't seem to be able to handle you two being very far apart so he's force loaded into where you are you enter the meeting hall no invisible walls or bullshit on this place nope in fact the door is

seemingly non-existent it's just open and ready to receive as we're about to cross the threshold to enter the meeting hall i act like i run into an invisible wall and i look at mark and i go oh i can't go in i guess oh you better do it I'll just sit out here and I just let Mark do whatever the problem is. Okay, all right. I boldly charge headfirst and I sprint with my lips ready to kiss whatever's on the other side. You two emerge into the meeting hall

where dozens of people whose faces you can't quite make out are seated. There's a path lit before you guiding you almost to a stage in the front, where there are two spots, one for each of you to stand in. I smudge up my face and join the faceless people in the seats. Unfortunately, you hit an invisible wall

when you try to approach the seats themselves and are bounced back to the hallway. God damn, this is just lazy game design! These fucking walls, man. So clearly, we're supposed to go to the stage, I guess. Mark, get your lips ready. Mark, are you backing up? Yeah, I'm backing up to give a good

charge on this. Unfortunately, as Bob approaches the stage, Mark is force-loaded up onto the stage as well. Before you, a prompt appears. It says discuss the following. Your favorite things. That's vague. I bet Mark talks about lenses.

I learned out into the first row of the audience and I whispered to the first person there like, but you ten gold coins he talks about lenses. I don't hear him. God! Lenses! Optical perfection in imperfection it's a glorious contradiction.

Ah, what a wonderful world to live in where the sight you see can be tweaked by the tiniest little nuances. It's um... How long does he have to talk about lenses before the guy pays me? Do I get my 10 gold coins or what? Okay, that's not happening. Mark, you know what I like? I like phone cases. Have we talked about phone cases recently? You know what's an interesting new thing that phone case manufacturers are dealing with, Mark? Is that the iPhone 15 Pro, instead of a little switch, you know how iPhones have always had the little mute switch?

This is a button now. And some phone cases, like this one, have put a little button on the case, which is convenient. And some of them just leave a little hole. I have fat fingers, and I can't get my finger in the hole well enough to like push Anyway, it's a real conundrum three two one the topic disappears Okay, a new topic emerges in front of you. It says discuss the following you are forced to adapt one historical event You would change or alter in some way which event and what would you do a leaderboard emerges next to it and it shows both of your names with zero points

fascinating okay all right bob i turn to bob i go like do you think that maybe this is a trick where it's wade's weird words and he's trying to get us to say words. Oh, probably. Applesauce. Potatoes. George Washington. Happy birthday. The French Revolution. Hair.

What historical event would I change? 20 seconds appears. I would go back to where Apple was talking about changing to USB-C, and I would make them have done that a long time ago because I have a lot of lightning cables in my house right now but see I have airpods and those still use lightning and there's a version of airpods that uses USB-C

which would be convenient but I don't need new airpods I have airpods I would want that I would change um the the trojan horse instead of a horse, penis. Dude, that would make the Trojan condom brand so much more lucrative. No idea.

I would change the injustices done to Wade. The topic disappears. Oh, okay. A new topic pops up. Mark, I feel like we're not doing a good job. Yeah, I think we're trying to, like, I don't know, know cheat the system when in reality probably sincerity will win the day what are your goals for the future oh man i have got many goals for the future you know to start this movie's gonna come out and you know i'm gonna i'm gonna take a little breather from doing big projects like

that i'm gonna really focus on finishing learning korean and uh that's gonna kind of be my main focus uh looking forward to just kind of like stepping back from always having a big project on my shoulders and just being able to enjoy life, travel, camp, something like that. I have a personal goal to learn more about my car and be more hands on with it. Specifically, I have a couple of pieces right now that i want to install that involve trimming a little bit of plastic shrouding and stuff but i i want to get a front mount intercooler and potentially upgrade some of the like the j pipe and the exhaust and i might want to do like uh suspension work i want to and i want to do it myself i want to learn enough and have the confidence to like

do it and do a decently good job so I don't make my car insanely dangerous. But then like, like I want to learn that skills and knowledge about my car. The topic disappears. You look at the leaderboard. There are zeros next to your names. However, a one flashes near Bob's name for a moment and then disappears back to a zero. Huh. I guess that didn't count then.

The crowd's faces begin to emerge. You see friends, family, Wade's, all looking slightly disappointed. For you see, there were some correct things you should have said during this topic. A banner emerges in front of you

and you see our favorite things, colon space, Wade winning. Historical events we would change, Wade not winning enough. Goals for the future, making Wade win more. Favorite things, colon space. Wade winning. Historical events we would change. Wade not winning enough. Goals for the future. Making Wade win more.

The banner disappears. You are thrust out of the building face first and scrape yourselves on the ground as you're back in the center of town. You look up and the wheel is in front of you. It's moved aggressively. It looks down upon you as you're on your hands and knees looking up at it and it spins again. I stand up off my hands and knees.

I stand up off my hands and knees. Am I still looking up at it? Please tell me I'm eye level at least. Mark, you're definitely looking up at it. Bob, you might be eye level. Ah, frick. Ah, you two each possess a cannoli. I eat mine.

Bob eats his cannoli. I suck the center out of mine. It's a really good cannoli. I eat mine. Bob eats his cannoli. I suck the center out of mine. It's a really good cannoli. It tastes very good. The innards taste good. The whole thing tastes good. Bob, the scrapes on your hands and knees disappear. Mark, yours mostly fade but not entirely. Mark, you contain

you still possess a cannoli outer. Mark, you want to split your cannoli shell, Mark? You want to split it in half? No, I'll save it. I'll save it for when I need it. If you put it in your pocket, it's gonna turn into cannoli chips, Mark. No, no, no, I'm gonna hold it. I'll purse it between my lips, ready to slurp it in at any moment.

Signs emerge from the ground, arrows even, one of them perhaps with a damp spot. And they point you towards a gift shop, unassuming, off to the side. Hey, I want to go check out the gift shop. Do we level up? You walk up to the gift shop, and you find that the sign barring your entry...

Before I go, I squeeze the arrow's ass a little bit and give it another smooch. The arrow slightly vibrates after your slap, staying damp and otherwise unmoving. You approach the gift shop. The sign barring entry saying required level two is gone. It seems you've leveled up. I run thinking the invisible wall will still be there at full speed towards the gift shop. You run plowing through, falling into the gift shop

where a familiar face is standing before you, Bob. Mark, you're force loaded in because Bob got too far away. Hey Mark, I got through the wall, Mark. A poorly voice-acted representation of one of... Who could this character be? They speak to you, Bob, as you try to place who they are. Hello! I am

the guru, and this is my gift shop. I have all of the items that could help an adventurer on their journey, yes I do. I have no idea who this could be still. Something stirs within Bob and you feel like you know who it is even if it's just at the tip of your

tongue. Mark, you notice a sign that says Guru Harold's Gift Shop. Maybe it rings the bell, maybe it doesn't. I look over at the sign and I go, huh. And then I look back. Ooh, we've some quiet adventures I see. That is fine. I have many items for sale for you.

And in fact, for strapping adventures as yourselves, I will give you... What will I give you? I look over at Mark and quietly I'm like, there's two of us and one of him. I think we can take him. And then anything we want is ours.

Yeah, let's wait until he opens the cash register and we'll jump him. I will give you one item a piece of what I have for free. Here are my items. Oh, yeah. Here's a 20 for a tip. Before you, he lays several items. Your 20 disappears, somehow ending up in his cash register. Wait a minute.

Oh, the guru appreciates your donations. Wait, I go to my pocket. I pull up my last 20. I tie a string to it and I go, here's another one. The, I go to my pocket. I pull out my last 20. I tie a string to it and I go, here's another one. The 20 appears in the cash register. You see the string also going to the cash register. I pull hard. Somehow your wallet's pulled out of your pocket.

It ends up also in the cash register and the string disappears. Damn those chain wallets. God. I want to say as the developer of this game there are some items in this shop that were put in the shop because i knew they would appeal to you before your town hall discussions i promise you these were already on my list before you see them laying before you we did go to the gift shop first on the on the counter you see a rare lens the perfect phone case there is no a lock pick a loaded boxing glove that you can just tell packs a punch what a shakira statuette and a pile of what you presume to be hair oh i take the hair

no questions asked i just rush over and start shoving it in my pockets. Oh my, okay, the hair's for you. I take the Shakira. Ah, good choice, good choice. I look over at the man I don't recognize and I say, ah, well, if you're willing to give us one thing each, surely it can't be too much to ask for two. Oh, but it is so much to ask to take two objects, for you haven't even paid for the guru services. This is simply a taste of my wares to see if you'll hire me on. I feel like I contributed a lot of money to the guru fund. Oh, your donations are appreciated. Oh, who am I to say no?

Fine, fine. Grab another item. Why not? Does the phone case fit my phone? It looks like it would fit perfectly. That's still not a good way to judge it, honestly, because between the different years, the buttons move a little bit. That's a gamble.

On closer inspection, it looks like the perfect phone case for your phone. Every feature you would want for the phone you have. A boxing glove, a lock pick, the phone case, and a rare lens sit before you. I take the boxing glove. I stroll up sideways like a third grader and I casually try and grab the lockpick and the phone

case in one swoop of my arm and hide it behind my legs as I walk away awkwardly. With movement you could not have anticipated, the guru has made a karate chop, hitting you and paralyzing you in place before you can grab either item.

Ah, ah, ah, one item only. I gave you an extra already. Let's not be greedy. I shit my pants in fear. Ah, the smell of confidence. I approve. Now your item. Which will it be?

I slide up past, but I'm just as sneaky. I'm going sideways and I'm looking really suspicious and my eyes are going back and forth in wide-eyed fear. And I just grab the boxing glove and nothing else. So you took the Shakira statue and the boxing glove. And I whistle as I'm walking away. Bob, you feel as if you're starting to be loaded away before you grab your second item i lunge at the whole table and try and grab everything

you jump onto the table landing on every item that's left and as you furiously try to scoop them all up right before they're in your grasp mark takes that last step plummeting you outside with only some hair oh hi bob oh hey mark i thought you were done no but that's okay the guru appreciates it you hear as the door closes and you're back outside so let's be clear when it comes to shipping internationally can i provide trade documents electronically? Mm-hmm. The answer is FedEx. Okay, but what about estimating duties and taxes on my shipments? How do I find all the... Also FedEx.

Impressive. Is there a regulatory specialist I can ask about? FedEx. Oh, but let's say that... FedEx. What? FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping.

FedEx, where now meets next. Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, well, I don't know. Mom's going to love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14.

$14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deals so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. Arrows emerge, and almost like a carousel, pick you up and ride you back to the great wheel oh i know which one's the moist one which spins ah both of you lose a win and wade gains one oh okay i i offer wade the hair in my pocket in place of a win a tempting offer but unfortunately i have to keep my hands off of this and just allow the game to play itself.

So I'll have to refuse, but I appreciate that. Okay. Well, that was fruitful. Down a win, but you know, to be perfectly honest, Bob, we have so many wins that we could afford to lose like 10 or 20. It's true. I gave three wins during the last episode

and I still think I probably have more wins than Wade does. A pixelated path emerges in front of you. Jesus, how horrifyingly obscene is that path? It's kind of half-loading. Invisible walls are kind of appearing and clipping. You can tell that it's really poorly rendered. Oh, I thought it was like a road of dicks or something. No, it's tempted to be good,

but it looks like there wasn't much time to work on this particular thing. It was kind of thrown together at the last second, so just really poorly implemented. I'm going. Mark takes a step. Unfortunately, the path isn't fully loaded and he falls through the world and is in a loading loop of falling. Is this like

a portal on the ceiling and floor situation? You feel yourself slowly being tugged in that direction bob i don't i don't nope i look around and i just go uh nope a loading screen emerges but the a and loading is kind of like not fully completed either and a bar loads before you very slowly very slowly the bar fills am i still falling. But you also see the loading screen, but the loading kind of is bouncing back and forth. Just as soon as the loading disappears,

it reemerges beneath you. Gotcha, okay. I time out what's happening to Mark and I try and dive across his loading loop and pull him out of it heroically. Watching Mark fall as this loading screen hits 3%, 4%. Bob can't take anymore. He dives out, arms outstretched to stop Mark from this falling loop.

And he catches him. Going across the gap of loop, he lands on a part of path that seems to be complete. The loading bar speeds up immensely. Completes. Uh, wow, Bob, I can't believe that worked. Where are we? I set Mark down, astonished. For sure, we'd be dead.

I don't know. You seem to be in a dungeon of some kind, a jail cell. It's hard to make out. And as you start to make it out, a hood is thrown over each of your heads. Hey, wait a minute. Your hands are cuffed behind your back. Oh, hold on. You're dragged down a dark, damp corridor to a room

where the stifling claustrophobia of the dungeon seems to dissipate. Pero, what are you doing? Your hands remain cuffed, but your hood is removed. Through a transparent wall to Mark, your right, Bob, your left, you see each other in the same circumstance, but across from you are two very different, what you'd presume to be opponents. Bob, you see none other than a known rival from your past. Six-toes Timmy.

Mark, you also recognize the person across from you. Oh my god, it's you. It's Tyler. Fuck. Tyler's gonna beat your ass. You don't stand a chance. Before you can say anything, a voice rings out from speakers above. Defeat your opponents before

they defeat you i launched the boxing glove i don't even know how to activate it but i just starts pressing buttons on it your hands are cuffed behind your back but you grab the boxing glove you go to launch it unfortunately you got gifts from an item shop from a place run by a guru as you put the glove on and prepare to launch, bees inside the glove that are loading it start stinging your hand, repeatedly swelling it up. Ah, okay, all right. However, the glove pushes and launches you

into the air in the direction of Tyler. Bob, cutting back to you. Six toes Timmy's across. I frantically eat the hair from my pocket. How do you get it into your mouth from your pocket with your hands cuffed behind your back? I get it. I dig it out of my pocket, sprinkle it on the ground, and then lick it off the ground. Because hair sticks to your tongue, right?

So I'm like... Six toes Timmy rushes at Bob. Bob grabs the hair from his pocket, drops it on the ground, and starts eating it. He doesn't know what's on the ground here. What kind of blood or shit or vitriol could be here, but the hair is there and all that matters is that he's gobbling it up. Timmy approaches and is disgusted and disturbed at what he sees, which gives him pause. Mark, you're flying through the air. It seems to be a permanent state of being for me.

You're headed right for Tyler. Hands behind your back, boxing glove equipped, bees stinging you ferociously. With nothing else but half a cannoli and a statue of Shakira in your pockets, what do you do as you approach Tyler? I'm kind of flying in the air. I don't know if I have any... I don't know, with my handcuffs... Thinking to yourself, what do I do?

It's already too late. You collide with him. But Tyler's nimble as your foot makes contact he dives to the side shit shit bob you're eating hair timmy looks appalled like he might throw up you finish the last strand i decide to go all in on this strategy i look at look up at six toes timmy just absolutely manically, and I'm like, you can't have it. It's all mine. And I just start licking the floor anywhere there's anything to try and eat it. And I keep like eating whatever's on the floor and then

looking at him and be like, mine. No. And I'm like writhing around, just licking and eating anything I can get my tongue on and making eye contact every time I look back at Sixo's Timmy. You know, Timmy's got some strengths, but unfortunately his constitution is not one. Timmy begins gagging, perhaps even vomiting slightly as he watches you lick the floor. I flop onto my back so I'm face up and I inchworm over underneath him

and I go, in my mouth, ah! Like I'm going to catch his catch his vomit Bob how's your Constitution are you you're athletic invincible hopefully all right Bob loaded in with a 20 20 in strength and a 20 con uh no other attributes said anything don't need any more attributes that's all you got that's all you need if you're gonna be dumb, you better be tough. That's what I always say. Bob, you managed to stomach the contents of the floor and Timmy is doubled over

hurling at this point. Mark, Tyler dove out of the way. You still have boxing glove in hand. The bee stings are starting to really hurt. You stand up. Tyler is kind of on the ground from his dive. No, I don't stand up. I don't stand up. I don't stand up. I kneel and I pray and call out for an arrow to come to my rescue.

An old friend, a lover, perhaps. Bosom buddy for certain. With my hands tied behind my back, bees stinging my poor fingies, I pray for the arrow to come and save me. And I call out, arrow, please. I need you now. Tyler looks over as Mark stays on his knees, praying for the arrow to come and save me and I call out, arrow please! I need you now! Tyler looks over as Mark stays on his knees, praying for an arrow, and he sees bees fly out of a boxing glove behind Mark's back, just starting to sting him all over. Mark's looking

slightly delusional as the bees slowly escape from the glove and begin stinging him elsewhere, and Tyler can't help but let out a chuckle and he starts laughing. His eyes grow wide. His breathing seems to be interrupted as his laughter erupts at the sight of you praying for an arrow being stung by bees and cuffed behind your back. Bob, Timmy's doubled over vomiting. With my iron constitution, I just numb that right up. I'm absorbing his power or something. Whatever benefits I get from eating the vomit, that's what I'm getting that right up. I'm absorbing his power or something. Whatever benefits I get from eating the vomit,

that's what I'm getting right now. And if I can, I continue to try and make eye contact with him. It's difficult, but between vomits, like maybe I can catch his eye or something and just like remind him. Timmy falls to a knee, unprepared for this strategy, prepared to duel you with weaponry, guns, clubs, baseball bats, but not with a will of constitutions.

He doubles over. Mark, Tyler has started laughing. The bees are starting to really hurt. Really hurt. Okay. All right. Then what I do is I pray even harder. I'm committed to this.

I know that I'm going to be saved. This arrow will hear my calls. I don't even try to get up. I don't even try to get up. I don't even try to fight back. I start screaming at the top of my lungs. Arrow! Arrow, please! I need you now! Save me! Remember what we had!

Mark with a swollen face at this point from the bees just stinging him everywhere kind of has talking like Rocky Balboa trying to do a godfather impression as he screams to the heavens for help and tyler doubles over further falling to the ground laughing tears streaming down his face as the goose call honking laughter that we all know tyler to have completely envelops the arena timmy vomiting on the ground also starts to laugh bob and mark you also can't help yourselves but to laugh and the arena timmy vomiting on the ground also starts to laugh bob and mark you also can't help yourselves but to laugh and the arena a message pops up and says error question

mark and you're thrown back to the town center so so the arrow never came and saved me it did not that's that's messed up so not that you saw but your face was pretty swole up from the bee sting so like you couldn't really see too well by the end there. Are we still like bound up? Your hands are free. Your health, not the greatest, even though you didn't have any side effects. Your constitution, your health still took a hit from licking up all the horrible things on the floor.

And Mark, I mean, bee stings. I mean, that starts to do something after a while. I look over at Bob and I say, I don't think that guru was there to help us i look i meet your gaze and i reach into my mouth and pull out one hair and i go oh it worked out okay for me arrows emerge from the ground one underneath mark with a thick rump a slight vibration and a wet top it carries him toward the wheel i go running after mark we're gonna talk about this later arrow i needed you and you weren't there. I go running after Mark. We're going to talk about this later, Arrow. I needed you and you weren't there. Bob, you go running behind,

keeping just enough pace to not be force loaded in. You arrive at the wheel. The wheel says, whip. Okay. I say nay nay in response. The wheel lets out a chuckle and you get a bonus trip to the guru. Oh, excellent. All right, Mark.

I think definitely this time we should try and rob him. Okay, cool. Gotcha. I still got the boxing glove, Mark, I think definitely this time we should try and rob him. Okay, cool. Gotcha. I still got the boxing glove of bees, I think. Ah, I see you're on the ground in front of me. Welcome back. Welcome back. I throw the boxing glove at him.

Oh, we don't take returns, especially from used products. But thank you. Thank you. As he restocks it, but it disappears, unable to be gained again from you. Well, I wasn't expecting you just yet, but oh, I've got items aplenty, items aplenty here, take a look. You see the lockpick, the perfect phone case, and the lens still sitting on the table. Are they still free?

Oh, of course, the guru's nothing if not, eh. I pick up the lens and I hand it to Mark. Ah, nice. Mark, you feel power swell within you as this lens makes contact with your hand and you realize this is the lens you've been hunting for. Will it help you on this journey? Undetermined.

But is it what you want? Yes. Mark, is that the fabled MD-100F2.0 lens? 135 you mean? Yes, yes it is. Oh my god. It is exactly the one you mean? The 135? Yes, yes it is. Oh my God. It is exactly the one you've been hoping for.

Oh, wow. Look at that pristine condition. Is that a Konica Minolta or Minolta Konica? Just Minolta. The guru is confused. You gave your item away, so I suppose you get to choose again or you get to pick one for him? I'm not sure this is supposed to work like

this. Yeah, Bob, um, you can take my pick, I think. A lockpick and a perfect phone case lay before you. I pick up the phone case, but I also hand it to Mark. Oh, sweet, cool, grab it. As it lands in Mark's hand, it disappears and goes back onto the table.

Oh, man, this thing's... Mark's unable to accept it. This game's all foolproof. What if I trade in my Shakira statue? Oh, no returns, no returns. But if you don't want it, the guru will take it back. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I shove it up my ass before you can take it. It's uncomfortable, but somehow fits.

Bob, you can outsmart him by shoving it up your ass. Oh, interesting. I just take the lockpick. You grab the lockpick. In your hand, it feels like it could pick a lock. The phone case disappears. Oh, good choice, good choice. However, for being such good customers

and offering to return several items, I can't help but feel you deserve something else. Almost like you were sent here by the wheel. I have a couple of other items for you. There's a lot of free stuff. On the table appears a small boat and an item that whenever you look at it seems to flip the other direction. Like it flips every time or like it's like you're looking away. You feel like you can see something, but you look at it and it turns and you can't quite

make out what the other side had. I grab the flippy. Okay, the flippy goes into Mark's hand. The boat is left. You know, I suppose to give you a choice. The guru waves his hand and the phone case reemerges next to the boat. Bob, you can choose either one. I aggressively look at and then away from the thing in Mark's hand to see what happens.

I flip upside down. You can almost make out what's on the one side, but you just can't quite do it. It has no effect on Mark or his hand or anything. He's fine. He just... Oh, no. No, it's just he's holding it

and kind of like a fidget spinner just fidgets away from you so you can't see. I take the phone case and put it on my phone and without looking, try and take pictures of the thing in Mark's hand the picture just as it flips away there might be a slight blurred edge of what you were hoping to see but it's just too little is it like you can't see the surface it just goes sideways it goes bleep it's almost like you had a chain and there was like a spinny duty in the middle and you want to see what's on one side maybe an engraving or a picture or something

but the moment you go to look at that, you just see the backside of it. See, Bob, I thought that this thing would flip the thing that it was on too. I thought it was like a flippy thing. It's actually kind of useless now. I feel stupid for getting it. I feel stupid for getting it.

Oh, believe me. The guru says he sees you looking disapprovingly. This might save your life. I grabbed, i could see it and i grabbed the boat i'll just take the boat unfortunately the boat disappeared when you put the phone case on but that wasn't a commitment i was making sure it fit you grabbed the phone case and put it on your phone the guru saw it as a commitment i see you have your items and no one chose boat interesting interesting huh that's because boats are dumb guru and then i'm like

come on bob this guy sucks. Is anything dumb if it's useful? He says as his voice trails away and you find yourself back in the center of town. Mark several arrows approach you. Hey what's up? Hey. They rub across your leg like cats and pick you up and

guide you over toward the wheel. Haha Bob you're not getting the arrow treatment like me. Bob, as you look disparagingly like, why don't I have an arrow, friend? You find yourself force-loaded over to the wheel, which spins! In the distance, while this thing is spinning,

I see Mark's damp, bootylicious arrow staring, looking very jealous at the Mark and the three arrows he has around his legs. The arrows point at Mark. Uh-huh, yeah. Mark, you understand that now for the next challenge, you may be forced to speak in rhymes as part of the challenge as an added part. Just him or me also? Just him. Oh, darn it. It seems Bob was spared. The wheel looks at you, Bob, and you can tell it's asking, do you want to risk something else coming up or would you like to step away oh i'm feeling lucky let's spin again to see what else mark has to do wait what oh uh my fair is fair oh fair is fair i forget what that means a bonus win to wade no no no

remember i sharpied that that's not fair as fair fairy is fairy. Ah, a bonus Winnie is assigned to Wadey. Yeah, it says fairy is fairy. I want to eat a big bowl of berries. A big bowl of berry. Berries and cream. Berries and cream. You're a little boy who loves berries and cream. Yes, that's true.

Yes, that's right. Big cream berry is my delight. Bob the Wheel again looks at you. I feel like a lot of stuff is happening to Mark. Mark feels the tug pulling him away from the wheel. But Bob, you have time if you want to stay here. Spin it, baby. One more spin.

Why are you so upset, Mark? It's fine, probably. I'm not feeling sad. I'm just not quite glum. But I'm happier now that I'm joined by my chum. Bob, you also get to speak in rhymes. Ah. You are pulled away from the wheel,

its last possible option being tugged away from you. You may never know what it was going to say. Perhaps it was something meant for Bob if the previous choice had been deleted properly, but this is a whip after all. All of a sudden you see a red carpet flow before you toward the arena.

Mark, I think towards the arena we should go that way. What's within it we could know. Arrows of all shapes and sizes emerge to pick Mark up and form a sort of throne to carry him toward the arena. Me oh my, my oh me. This fills me with so much glee.

Look at my throne. Look at it now. Look at my throne, you big fat cow. Bob a boat emerges, but appears to be out of gas. I just walk behind Mark because that's what I deserve. You two emerge in an arena. You're in what looks to be a locker room. In the distance, do we hear Tyler going,

I'm Tom Brady and I'm the best. Perhaps you do. You do hear something, but it's hard to make out. But if that's what you hear, then that is what it is. Is the Coliseum full? Is the Coliseum bright is you're

in a locker room right now well i guess i'll never rhyme oh sorry go ahead no no no i don't feel like it now i don't want to go i always never rhyme and here's a cow oh compatriot mark is short as an elf i think wade is saying go fuck yourself some arrows emerged to lift bob up appreciating his statement however the arrows set you down and then grab a hood and drop it over each of your heads again with this trick the guy who made this is a prick you're being dragged out through a corridor feeling similar to the one as before when the air opens up again and the hood is removed you seem to be on a football field of some kind however you're in an end zone with no goal post at the other end you see a goal post far away from you you look down and you see you have a vest equipped to you with all kinds of

lights and sensors your feet are also locked into place by some kind of device that seems to be holding you here. Next to you, you see each other. Mark, Bob's to your right. Bob, Mark's to your left. Bob, I could be wrong. I really could be wrong. This vest, it might be a bomb. A voice from above rings out. Be the first to reach the goalpost. A horn bursts in the distance and you feel your feet freed. I run, I skip, I jump so fast. I will not be arriving last. Mark, you valiantly dash off, leaving Bob in the dust. However, every foot, every yard, you move toward the goalpost.

The goalpost seems to move too, further away from you. I shout to Bob, hey, what's going on? This doesn't seem something on. I make no move because I know the auto loading will with Mark make me go. In the crowd, you notice four brunettes standing, one with a microphone and a hat, a large hat. Into the microphone, they yell, I said, hey, what's going on? I look to Bob and I go, is that Shakira? I know her voice anywhere.

Point of query. What am I seeing exactly? Is the field getting longer and it's moving away? Or does it look like Mark's not getting closer to it, but it's not getting further from me? What's my relation? It seems like the field is getting longer and the goalpost is moving further away.

However, your eyes might be deceiving you, but it feels like the goalpost is just as close to you as it ever was. And yet it seems further away from where Mark is at the same time. It seems like an optical illusion. I face my back toward the goalpost and walk slowly backwards, assuming that I'm getting closer to it. Mark, after seeing this band erupt out of nowhere and almost repeat the words you said, you see Bob ignoring your question and start moonwalking in your direction now don't forget you have items of the guru's blessings with you i squeeze the statue within my ass and then i pull out my looking glass where was the lens not in my ass but i't tell. You'll just have to watch this spell.

Looking through the glass, you see that there are sensors on the goalpost that look similar to the ones on your vest. Squeezing the Shakira statue beneath your ass cheeks, you feel pain because her arms are out and kind of sharp. And when you squeeze, they kind of cut your butt a little. Ow. Bob, you're moonwalking towards the goalposts. It doesn't feel like you're making much progress. I take off the vest. It seems to be locked on you. I take it off anyway.

You go to remove it from your body and, man, this lock just won't give. It's just a little bit too tight to slip off. Despite your perfect dexterity, your perfect endurance, your perfect constitution, your perfect strength, it's just not quite enough to remove this vest. I take my phone and the perfect case out of my pocket and I Google how to vest off body.

You see that if you press the sensors in a certain order, it just might remove the vest. I push a sensor to see what happens. The sensor presses in. Mark, Bob's standing around touching his vest. You saw the sensors on the goalpost. You have Shakira's hands cutting your ass and you have your own vest equipped. I look around and see no hope.

So instead I fall to my knees. Before you fall to your knees. Oh, grope. You turn around. And when you turn around, you find that you've turned around and you turn around Oh, grope. into like a little mini firework because turning around was the key and it's something you're known to do. It was meant for you to turn around because when you turned around, what you saw was what I described.

Bob. Can I respond to anything? No, shut up. No, you're done. No, shut your hole. I want to rhyme. I need to do something now. Can I get closer to Mark in hopes of Spark?

An idea can spark in my brain. Spark. Pressing the buttons of your vest, you walk toward Mark. Mark spinning in place seemingly faster than you can perceive. His vest falls off of him just as you press the last button on your own, which starts to fall. You're standing side by side and you see before you the goalpost. I remove the phone case from the phone and huck it right at Mark's face bone.

Mark, how good is your dexterity? Uh, I mean, I'm spinning, right? Mark rolling with disadvantage. I was more thinking like I'm a deflection shield, you know, I'm spinning so fast it would deflect. Mark, the phone case collides with your cheekbone. It hurts. Your face is partially numbed from all of the bee stings from earlier.

And while it does hurt, not enough to really interfere with you. For what pain can you really have through the swelling and numbness from the bee stings? I don't get mad. I don't think twice. I run with the strength of a thousand mice. For some reason, Bob, Mark gets down on all fours and starts moving toward the goalposts, scurrying almost, sniffing a little bit into the air.

You don't know what he's doing. However, he's not moving as quickly as he'd like to. It seems something, I don't know, with his butt is bothering him and making this journey more difficult than it should be. I, my brain is empty, but my muscles full. I charge at the goalposts the strike the one bull mark scurrying with the power of a thousand mice moving with shakira slowly ripping apart his ass as he crawls trying to outpace bob who started a little bit after him

but has the power of a bull charging at the goalpost you get to the edge who's you wait important information oh also i eat my cannoli bob you're 10 yards away mark's more like 15 to 20 you hear a chomping noise and you hear a as shakira is launched from his ass into the sky mark gets a speed boost catching up he loses his dex penalty but bob's got like a perfect score in everything this is going to be a difficult task you both cross the goal line seemingly simultaneously unless i look over my shoulder as mark is catching up and shout pamplona motherfucker and come at him like a trucker bob veers off course at the last moment before he crosses the goal charging straight into the scurrying mark's side time slows down i see my doom but there's some hope inside the gloom i close my eyes and pray so right please arrow come beat this plight come rescue me tonight you charge full speed bob right into mark however at the last

moment you hit something else it disorients you as he goes shooting straight into the air seemingly underneath an arrow taking him straight up you charge with such might when you collided with this arrow it seemingly knocked you unconscious mark you go flying up and the arrow saved you from bob however the skybox was set kind of low because I wasn't expecting you guys to fly. You collide with a seemingly invisible surface really hard. Oh. And the last thing you see is the little smooch mark on an arrow

as the lights go out. Bob, you open your eyes. You see fireworks in the sky from the center of town. Mark, your eyes open. You see fireworks in the sky from the center of town. Mark, your eyes open. You see fireworks in the sky. I say, hey, Mark, look up high. There's fireworks in the sky. Oh, me, oh, my.

Look at that sky. A voice emanates. The rhyme challenge is done now. That's over. You guys are good. Good work. That wasn't really what I had planned for that final run. You're supposed to just one or both of you across the goal line neither of you did so uh i'm gonna have to improvise this last bit but uh thanks please leave a five star rating

and a wheel but a different wheel finds its way to be in front of you since neither of you truly won we'll leave it up to fate. Oh, God. Wait, why is break a lens on there? The words you see may not mean what you think they mean. Hmm, I got a feeling break a lens means exactly what I think it means. The wheel shall now spin, and fate has said a coin shall flip. Okay. That's just unlikely is all I'm gonna say.

According to the rules, a win is assigned to either Mark or Wade for this coin flip. For we all know Bob can't win a coin flip. Oh, okay. Wait, can I win if it lands on edge? Sure. I have this unbalanced,

unfair lens cap, Mark. Okay. Would you like heads or tails? I'll take heads. All right, do you want me to let it hit the floor or do you want me to catch it? Wherever it lands. I feel like landing on edge is sort of erased if you don't let it land on a flat surface.

All right, flat surface. Triangle of fairness. I'm watching you. Yeah, he's definitely cheating. The fix is in, Mark. I'm trying to grab it. My hands suck. Your hands suck?

It was. This is the tail side because heads was on top. Does that mean it was heads? Yeah, I think so, right? Mark gets a win. Yes, yes! I did it! However, the episode's not done.

Whoa. A win goes in Mark's column of wins, but he doesn't win the episode's not done. Whoa. A win goes in Mark's column of wins, but he doesn't win the episode. We spin again. There's a lot of different things on this wheel. Yeah, there's quite a few. James wins!

James gets a win in his column. All right, that's pretty good. But it takes a village to raise a baby, so each of the three of us loses a win that we sacrifice to give james a win i feel like he's basically a part of me so like i get his win probably i know you should lose more than one but i was trying to be fair it's like a it's like a celebrity he's like my celebrity child right i i hold his win until he's old enough to use it responsibly yeah but it's like in the bank gaining interest so you can't really do anything with it yeah in my bank gaining my interest you can feel about how you will but it's james win and we all three lose a win for him to get one uh then it says re-spin

oh f your dreams f your nightmares you actually wrote f why didn't you just put fuck uh one i don't know yeah no all the rest of this was totally fine it's good thing you didn't put he swears in F your dreams F your nightmares is Wade gets a win but re-spin Wade wins again so what does this one mean if it doesn't mean what the words say what does it mean this one says Wade earns another win but re-spin audience I hope you're keeping track of this like you did Mark's fucking five bonus points. I really do. Alright, we all win!

Oh, cool. Alright. We all get wins and the choice is up to you two as to whether we all host the next episode together or I re-spin again. Oh, how would that happen? I don't know. I'm saying the choice is yours. it's what i wrote and

passed me knew what he was doing i kind of want to see what that is but i am afraid of what it would be but i am curious what all three of us hosting episode would look like yeah if we all three have our hosts that means we all co-equally get all the powers that the host gets. Yes. Which means that we could actively cancel out things that each other are saying as we're saying them. But we can't remove each other's host ship. But we could remove Wynn's all willy-nilly and whatnot. Yeah, but once you do it, the other host could also do it because you can't take away a host's powers.

I feel like this might be the rare opportunity for us to do the Council of Distractible and actually define some of these bylaws take away a host's powers. I feel like this might be the rare opportunity for us to do the Council of Distractible and actually define some of these bylaws and agree to them with a majority vote because it'll be the first time in Distractible history where we all have power. I don't know, Mark. Do we pass that up or do we do it? I feel like I don't... We gotta do the Council.

I think we gotta do the Council of Distractible. Three whole years later, we're finally gonna get together and really hash out some rules for this bad boy good choice that is it would you guys like to know what the uh other options are here what is break a lens that's the one i'm desperate to know uh what i wrote was not really but don't fucking test me again respin audience wins was wade or bob when mark can't win that one because he's usually the least favorite of the viewing audience and listening audience. I don't know about that.

I mean, clearly Bob and I are the best hosts and have the best things. Mark and his lens discussion has really been causing a negative stir. Audience wins was Bob or I win because we know that's what the audience want. To be fair, Flip A Coin was only Mark or Wade wins. That was the other option. We all lose was we all host together, but as losers instead of winners. Hey, my streak maintains. No, no loser speech for me, baby. Mark and Bob win meant spin again, but Wade gets a win from that. Mark wins meant that Bob wins. Bob wins meant that Mark wins. Oh, well, that's fair. Hold my win was Wade gets the win, but Mark or Bob get to host the next episode pending another coin flip.

This time Bob could win. Then I put LOL next to that. And I think that was it. That covers everything, right? I hope you all enjoyed this series. If you guys could, while you're in the center of town, still pending the final wheel spin here, this episode is in early access. So if you guys could while you're in the center of town still uh pending the final wheel spin here this episode is an early access so if you guys could give it a rating out of five

uh i would appreciate that where five is a really perfect rating for the episode and one's a really bad rating i don't know if you want my rating or not uh there's five stars emerge in front of either of you uh to tap on the rating you want to assign I awkwardly just stare at the ground and kick some dirt. I press the X button. Mark presses the X button. All five stars light up and a thumbs up appears as the stars disappear. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Bob, you ignore yours?

Yeah, I just ignore it. A loading screen starts to appear. A screensaver starts to appear. And then all five stars light up as a thumbs up appears and the stars fade away boxes appear in front of either one of you you think you need to type something in but then you're like no wait this is going to recognize my voice where you get to give some feedback for this early access game uh how did you guys feel about early access uh wait game i type in needs a lot of work. Seams cobbled together.

Half finished. Didn't like the NPCs except for the arrow. Needed larger fairies. Loading takes way too long. Half the game was like loading. As you review your feedback, it says perfect game. Wouldn't change a thing. Love the characters.

Arrow OMG. Fave. Markiplier endorses. And then a gif of me going like, this is my favorite thing. I love this thing. Bob, would you like to leave any feedback? I look up to the heavens and I just shout

as loud as I can, Alt F4! Great game. Plan on closing down to restart my game progress right now. Can't wait to replay it. Appears before you as the game shuts down. Well, thank you guys for participating. I appreciate it.

Thank you for the five-star ratings and the great feedback. Everyone out there, I hope you enjoyed my early access game. Make sure to leave a review on the subreddit. I hope you enjoyed watching and or listening. Boys, winner speeches. Should we all give them simultaneously? You want to do three-headed expert winner speech? Let's go in alphabetical order.

Bob, you first, then Mark, then me. I wish that I could play more of this great, fantastic game. It was something that I will never be done remembering. I will never be done remembering. Furthermore, I enjoy nothing. But sometimes fairies help me get up. No. Up. Period.

Up. Period. Oh! I forgot. Something that is very important. And I want to say that

sorry, fuck. Sorry. Fuck. I love you. That does it for this episode. You can find Mark at Markiplier. Bob at MySkirm. I'm Wade, Minion777. I hope you all enjoyed the Wade games or whatever the hell you want to call this. I don't know.

I just am glad to get to host again because God, nobody deserves it more than me. Stay tuned for the next episode where we will all host somehow, someway. Any final words that aren't from a three-headed expert before we close out? Follow! Arrows.

And the podcast you can watch on Spotify or listen to a lot of other places. Follow us. Follow your dreams. Follow your nose. Follow your nose. Follow your nose. Podcast out.