Distractible - Wade's One Man Show

Episode Date: January 23, 2026

The reviews are in, and critics are raving: "Finally! A star that out-shines the rest!" - The Minion Chronicle "If I said I didn't like it, that would be a bald-faced lie." - The Hairless Herald "I can't f**king see!" - Bob Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Warning. This episode contains harsh noises that may be unsettling to those with sensitive hearing. And wait. Listener discretion is advised. Baa Baa Baa Baud. That is all. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, the coming Bob a mundane mark, put their pal through his paces, bringing white smiles to his brother's faces. As weirdly Wade takes on the trials, rating strange unrighteous sounds, chewing small nuts and identifying cats,

tonguing foam and surviving abject oral torture. From Spittle Cam to Sautay Stand Up, Ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's time for Wade's One Man's Show. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Come with me and you'll be in a world of bald imagination.

Take a look and you'll see your reflection. If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Sub-Breddit defend me. Do it! Want to rig the game? There's nothing to it. Wade finishes his song early and suddenly looks scared. Why not supposed to read that part out loud?

No, you can read, yeah, read my own. You're good. Oh, still me. Is this still a song? I don't know the song. But first, step into my mind for a world-first view of my thoughts during literally every recording of distractible ever. I should have read parenthetical singing in some of these I guess.

Yeah, you probably should have, man. This is the not singing one. The next one's singing again. Oh, good, good. Whoa, I can't believe where I am. editors recreate the tunnel of terror from Willy Wonka 1971 Is this still from the song

I sang all the parts I know from the song It's sing songy but it's kind of spoke You don't know this song? I've not seen Willy Wonka so I was like eight Okay all right All right Directors cutting in there Doe do

Knowing Ha da na da Na na do you knowing And now Ohing Ohing Ah Okay

All right There's no earthly way of knowing Which direction they are going There's no knowing whose points are growing Hope my bald head isn't glowing Is it raining, is it snowing Boy, my hunger is a-growing Uh-oh, now their words are slowing

So the danger must be growing Are the fires of hell are glowing? Is my turn here without me knowing? Yes! The danger must be growing. The conversation keeps on slowing. And they're certainly not showing the signs that they'll keep going. Why's right, sir?

I am bald. Oh, there's more. That's not it. There's four, yeah. Oh, man, wow. What a great tunnel that was. Parenthetical singing for this? Nope.

No, no. done sick. And that's how I keep on winning! Welcome to distractible boys and uh, uh, uh, Roroaggy! Welcome boys. Go go go go go go go go. Is it hot in here or am I just bald? Anyway, uh, very pleasant evening to all the gentlemen, uh, the, uh, the, the, uh, vaginaed people out there. That was a close one. Oh, looks like I got some sweat on my lens. Oh, well. Don't need to clean that, ever. Just like the drop of spit I spat into the lens three months ago and has been there in every episode since.

I can see it. That's true. This is not a joke. This is real. Sam, our editor, has been laughing at the same drop of spit that's been on my lens for the past 24 episodes. And I've just never bothered to clean it or noticed. Oh, I've noticed.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Good thing that's not embarrassing. You've noticed it and you've never cleaned it. Sam told me about it recently and he was like... It's funny that Sam thinks there's only one. Wait, Sam. He has the exact moment. the spit landed on your lens that's bedded every episode since that he's noticed.

So play play the moment when he spits and it's there. And throw shit, they throw feces, the feces blocks up my pipe, they come back up, and it's like, oh, somehow the shit's got in your air conditioning unit. This is your fault, sir. You gotta replace the whole fucking thing. How does shit get the AC to it? I don't know, because I guess this wrench is actually a screwdriver, actually a power drill, which is actually we don't fucking know anything. Funny thing about the tunnel of terror, there actually is a moment where he just, he's like, boy, da da, da, na na na na, blah.

It's just like, I watched it to try to write down. I've not seen it since I was so young. I remember, like, the first part, I remember the tunnel, but I do not remember the cadence of any of that. It's, uh, they literally cut a chicken head, head off a chicken in that scene. I forgot that that is actually just there. They do? Yeah.

That's pretty hardcore. Yeah. It is a song. Great, uh, great intro. Well, well written. I was, I was, the, the gulp was not an action. It was actually dialogue. So it should have been gulp and then go la l lulp.

It's okay. They'll, they'll fix it. Sam will fix it. Take it out. Take it away. Start the show. Hey, everyone. Welcome back.

I had a horrible misfortune of having these two tie last time. At least the last time we recorded a real episode. It's been a minute since you guys have seen us fresh. We're fresh. And after a nice break, We're coming back and I don't know how to intro this because I don't know what the hell's happening. I don't know if we're doing small talk. I don't know how I'm being punished.

I don't know. Maybe it's already over. Who says you're being punished? Here, I'll give you a hint. I love tier lists. Oh, yeah. No, you're going to love this tier list. Is Wade's secret tier list a canoli?

These images at the bottom. That's what you're tier listing. It's so small. Okay, hang on. I'm going to maximize this. See, my eyes aren't good. Yeah, I would make the screen bigger probably so you can see it. I don't know what the first pictures.

I'm getting. in some kind of food or centipede then we got green drugs a praying mantis a toilet a couch made of that's that is this is this all fucking styrofoam i want to play a game in front of you you'll see various forms of styrofoam all of which you will have to listen and review if you want to survive rape them fairly and honestly and don't worry we will play the sound again for you if you didn't catch it the first time so that you can give the most thorough Review possible. There is no way out of it.

You can't complete your one-man show unless you review all of the styrofoam in front of you. You could always quit. Abstong the podcast. Lose your status as the third of three equal members plus the fourth. But if you leave, just remember. The subreddit will never defend you again.

And we will simply find someone else who is even more bald. And even more... Wait, then you, good luck, have fun, and don't worry about a time limit. We'll be here as long as you need. That's what friends are for. This is bullshit. That was such good timing, Bob.

That was so good if you played that solo. That's what I was hoping what happened. Oh, my God, that's so good. Oh, man. The first three images give me no indication. I was like, wait, that toilet looks weird. That couch looks weird. Why is that cat covered in, oh no.

Not only do you get to look at the visuals to race. these. They have accompanying sounds. And you know what, buddy, since it's your show, we could start wherever you like. Which one you want to rate first? I'm trying to figure out what even some of the images are. Do I get clarification on that before the sounds if I have questions? I'll tell you the name of it right before I push the button and play the sound of it. We don't need the sound of the cooler. The cooler's D tier. I don't want that one. Cooler first. You got it, buddy. Oh, why is there more?

Yeah, gone. Get rid of that. I don't know if he got that. Wait, let me just make sure. Is the level okay on that? Because I can make it louder. No, it doesn't need to be louder. It was so loud.

In fact, you could turn it down. Yeah, a little, little up, actually. That was good. It was a little quiet on my end. Are you sure this belongs in D tier? Yeah. I don't know. We got a long way to go, man.

There's a lot of... I'm thankful that that sound is actually like just on the cusp. It's not quite the one. Yeah, well, that's definitely the worst one here. Don't worry about it. I mean, I can usually drink out of styrofoam cups, so I guess we could put that and... Well, well, before you're ready, you gotta hear it. You can't.

You have selected cup. That's not a cup noise. Who does that with their cup? What is that? It's sliding around the table. It doesn't make a sound when you touch it to your mouth. It makes a sound when you... Yeah, no shit. That's why it's okay, usually. A cup can go A, I guess.

A tier? Bold choice. Does that mean I like it, or does that mean I just... It's better than the others. It means it's A tier Okay, I want to get this one out of the way The very last image The broken thick styrofoam

That is my absolute fucking bane Thick styrofoam is the worst Alright, you've chosen the break Okay, that one's okay That sounds different than I remember Wait, that's not so bad Yeah, that sound is fine Wait, make it louder, let me hear it

I want to make sure we're getting in the fair Yeah Here, we just do it like this Oh, there's a little more subtlety in it Than yeah, okay Yeah, it still doesn't, it's like the breaking noise rather than the rubbing noise so it's okay

I don't know where I want to rank that yet because like the image D tier the sound that you actually just played of it breaking not bad that that's the best tier sound compared to the rest of the rest okay well we can come back and listen to that more later once you've heard some of the other ones let's do the third to last the ball the ball

big ball shouldn't be bad yeah that's probably fine they're doing to it they're rolling and squishing it like this okay um that the sound itself wasn't, I give that a B. B for ball. I do not want to.

Do the hat. I hate the thoughts of one of those on my head. Let's just get it over with. Hat, you got it, buddy. Oh, that's a good one. Just imagine that sound coming right off where it's touching your head. Yeah, because it's like it's on your head and you're doing a stylus, like, draw your finger around the brim, like, I don't know if it shows, man, but I've had goosebumps since we fucking started this.

It's killing me. Put the hat in detere Styrofoam hat is the worst fucking invention It sounds delightful It's insolative So it can be stylish And keep you warmer or cooler

Probably mostly warmer I guess But Do the hand holding the little balls Little balls shouldn't be bad right Oh the small nuts It's like the hand And then you squish them You know

Thankfully no squeak It's horrible Not good noise but no squeak I guess toss those in B as well Okay you don't think Keep on it Sorry which one That was really loud.

Which was you say? B, just get them out of here. Let's do the cat. Cat noise can't be bad. It's just a cat. Cat with styrofoam on it. Oh, no.

I labeled one of them twice. That's fine. Oh, no. I'm pretty sure. Well, you know what? It sounds probably like the small nuts. But like with a, imagine there's like a meowing.

It's a cat. You can't put it low. You love cats. Just think about, think about keaters. And then think about meow. Okay.

Here, Bob, but just out of fairness, Let me give you one more just so you can be sure to have it. I want to make sure that's a fair judgment on this. All right, here you go. Here's your first one. Is this one a cat? Oh.

There's no cat. Oh, that's like a fucking windshield wiper. That's F tier. Make an F tier for that. Is this one a cat? It's a minute long. Dude, I can't. I can't do that for a minute.

Well, you just got to say what you? one's a cat. Was that one the cat? Or was it this one? Oh. Oh. Oh. That's harsh. Oh, stop. Yeah, that's a cat. It's scratching it. This cat. Fuck cats. D tier. Are you sure? Are you sure? Yeah, all those sounds are D tier. F tier. Stop. I heard it. Yep. That's the bottom tier. Well, maybe it's the one that I said was laughter. You look, there's, I sent you a file. It says laughter. Was this a cat? That's a funny cat That's a hilarious cat right there Yeah the cat's D-tier

You know the cat, the ball noise Cat was gonna go up there Those no cat's fucking D-T I never want to hear those again Cat bottom tier Cat D-tier You got it buddy Is that a bathtub? No that's like um

Like computer packaging It's like the thing Oh that's awful Yeah do it get out of the way I hate that shit I have to have someone else get my computers And stuff out I had to get my parents

To unbox my toys for me Oh, thank God, do squeak. Yep. You know what, C tier? It didn't get the squeak in, so C tier. And he's really all about the squeaks. Like, I don't like styrofoam, the feeling of it, and then the squeak that it makes.

The crunchy I can live with. Did you know if you imagine yourself licking anything, you can vividly tell what the texture is? I've got to throw up. Just like, think of your tongue running. I'm not listening to you. I can't. I can't picture that man.

I looked for so long for pictures of people eating styrofo. I'm not even lying. It turns out nobody likes to eat styrofoam. I couldn't find a picture of a person eating styrofoam, Wade. Thank God, Vin. I would have, I couldn't, I would have thrown up on camera. Which is why I have a bucket of styrofoam right here. There's no way.

There's no fucking way. This one I called poop. That's it. It's just a short sound. I'll play it a little, play it some more for you. D. D. D.

Got it. Okay. You sure? Yeah. Um, I guess let's do the first one. one, the weird. Oh, I like that one. That one's got an interesting story. What is it? So it's worms, but it's a, it's a species of superworm that actually subsists on styrofoam. The scientific

researcher who, I don't know if she bred them or discovered, I think she bred them, but she has a lab. And when you walk into her lab, there's this insanely loud sound of all of her thousands and thousands of worms just crunching their way through styrofoam. And as far as I know, it sounds something like this. They're just the coolest, the coolest little worms, and they just dig, they tunnel through it. Now, you want to talk about eating styrofoam. Those bugs love eating styrofoam. They're mostly made of styrofoam. Yeah, more D. All right, D tier. Oh, do you want to sort the tier? Should we go back and revisit some of these

sounds so you could say which one's higher or lower within the tier? Or should we save that? Oh man, let me tell you, last three or F tier of D tier, perfectly, perfectly sorted. Okay, perfect. Got it, okay. Whatever the first, is that peanuts? Is the first one peanuts? Oh yeah, those are regular nuts. Dude, that's what my friend used to fucking chew on.

I can't. Okay. This is kind of the sound of chewing on them. So you have to imagine they're in your mouth and you're hearing this from inside your own head, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So you're like, oh. It's pretty.

We don't have an S. You're right. Those are D tier? But where in D tier? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, try again. Try it. Where do they go?

Yeah? Okay, you think that's right? Between the cat and the poop? Perfect. Let's just go in order, man. Do the fucking praying mantis or whatever that is. Oh, that's Pennywise carved out of styrofoam. This one's more...

This one's sort of how I think it would sound. It doesn't actually make a sound, but this is kind of how I think that would sound. Please just be Bill Scarscard. we all float down here, am I right? That's kind of how I imagine the like death light would feel in your ears when it's happening to you. Because that's not how it sounds in the movies and stuff, obviously. I think that's a solid deed here, right below the peanuts. Yeah, some of these we had to take some creative liberty on because, you know,

kind of hard to find a sound that is exactly really good sound. Uh, toilet next. Toilet next? Oh, you got it, buddy. So you have to imagine this is coming from your own butt while you're saying. sitting on it. Or maybe you're wiping, so you're like shifting your weight, you know? You know, we'll toss that and see. Hang on, I have a, I have a noise for this that might actually apply.

I just found it. It's, uh, uh, well, you know, I'll just, I'll let Bob play it. Here you go, Wade. Maybe this is the toilet. Just, maybe you want to change your ranking. I didn't like that. Oh, more. Supposedly that's spraying styrofoam with water. I don't know why it was so pul- style. It's like the tiniest little squirt bottle. They're just like, does that make you want to rethink your, your D tier? No, I don't want to revisit D tier anymore because I'm afraid you make me listen to it.

So that's C tier. Toilet of C tier. Above or below the packaging? Above. Packaging would be much worse, probably. I guess couch before the styrofoam nuclear warhead? Couch, it is. Again, you're kind of sitting on it, right? It's sort of. Yeah, I can, yeah. Maybe you have your arm up on the,

back. I wouldn't. Yeah. You know what makes your hair stand out then? Because it's kind of staticky. Or maybe you're watching the game, the Bengals just lost again, so you're sort of sinking into it in sadness. Yeah, we can assume a couch, solid. You know, when you get out of the shower and you don't towel off and you just decide to, oh, not a styrofoam couch and just kind of rub your arms all over it and you make little starfoam angels. Yeah, we can just toss it in D-th here and call it a day. It can be below the hat. Below the hat. All right. All right, nuke.

New. Oh, that's not a new. Whoa, that's not a nuke. Those are clouds. It's an art exhibit made of styrofoam where the clouds actually undulate. So they're on articulated mounts. It's actually really beautiful. Sounds like this.

But you have to, yeah, so you walk in the room and they're kind of up high and they, it's like a, you know, it's like a three-dimensional. It's very cool. It's very pretty. And there's lighting. There's lighting behind. I love art. I never have to go to a museum to look at it.

So put it in a nest here. You could just close your eyes and really just imagine the styrofoam on the ceiling and you're right Beautiful toss it in S tier so I can never have to go see it again. Oh yeah Face? Yeah It's just a quick one it's like you're taking it out of the box right and you sort of like you finally get a hold it and you're like yeah Yeah bottom of seat here I have a I actually maybe have another option for this if you were if you were oh interesting oh definitely interesting interesting in it I have to buy this sound It's such is so good. Spend the money.

Spend it. I found the sound of someone chewing on styrofoam. I found it. Please know. Come on. Buy it. It's not letting me buy it. You're lucky.

I mean, I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah, man. Next time you get a one-man show, I'm just going to show a bunch of fucking holes for an hour. What sound should we listen to next? Is that a baby? Made out of starphone.

Oh, it's a bunny. Sorry. It's a bunny rabbit. Oh, you know, we built it up. Let's get it out of the way. Bonnie next. I really hate the one that comes after, and that's the one that scared me the most since we started,

so I hope it's chill. Yeah, let's do the bunny. You know, thankfully the sound for this one almost sounds more like whenever you're cleaning glass with like windex or like a mirror. Yeah, it kind of sounds like a squeaky bunny, but also it definitely is styrofoam. Imagine the bunny just hops right into your lap and you start petting it, but it's all styrofoamy.

Okay, I was going to say A tier, but you just said that out loud so it can go into B. for Bunny. Right where it's at. So this next one, Wade, you don't know what this is. I know, but it's a car. So, I mean, you've never seen one before. Worst bit of this show is people still tell him I need to get a car. All right, a car.

What is that? Well, it sounds like this. Oh. Oh, that one's crunchy. That one's in there. Trying to open the door of the styrofoam car. Yeah, you realize it's not a functional car. you rip the door handle off and you

it like almost wants to squeak but it doesn't go all the way there it also kind of reminds me of the sound of like a car driving down a gravel driveway you know is there a word for for play to torture is it just foreplay? Gore play yeah I feel like that's what this noise is it's like it's not quite terrible but like it gets you it gets you right there in the mood for pain

you know what comes next yeah so car um see below the toilet. Surprised he didn't go S-tier because I know how badly you want to have a car. Not that bad.

Not that bad. Hey, if this one fell off the boat like your other one, it would float, so it would just come to you eventually. You wouldn't have the same problem at all. Mark is dead on with that.

Rather than fill it with concrete and let it fucking die. You know, boats are made of styrofoam, right? Yeah. You like boats. They're not. Are they?

No. They're filled with styrofoam. Man, stop. I don't want to think about that. It's between the metal. It doesn't make the sound unless you're on the water and the boat is floating because then it flexes and then the two the two metal sides of the hull kind of like you're not really slow intense squeaking that you can get when you like just barely move styrofoam against you know surfaces. He's really enjoy this bit. You guys really really enjoy this bit. You said it was a good bit. Everyone's enjoying this. It's brilliant. I think everyone's going to hate you. I hate you, but it's brilliant. I did not see this coming. Let's do the the cony crate. Oh yeah. So you have to imagine.

you're eating hopefully your favorite food while and this sound is happening also as part of the whole experience. That's pretty actually legit. Also whenever you like have it on a table and you have to like cut in it, yeah. Or like you have it in the car and you get home with it and you go to grab it and the box isn't quite lined up and it just like, you know, and then you have to squeeze harder and you're like, ah, not my conies. I'll save you conies. Or when you're done with your conies and you pick up the pack, you're trying to lick all the goop off the inside, you're stretching it. They got the special habanero cheese, and you're like, oh, give me the extra cheese. Habanero cheese in my mouth.

I don't want it that bad. None of that. Or when your buddy ate your conies and you're picking up the empty cana, and you're like, ooh, you're squeezing it. Okay, this is bottom of seat here. And honestly, Styrofoam Cup goes down with it because you guys are making me remember all the feelings of putting that on my lips. So move cup back down. But you're not we're not done until we have something in every tier you can't have an empty tier that's not how tier lists

Oh, uh, ball goes up to a ball is pretty okay Well do you let's hear the last one again we do have to put this one somewhere just crunched for right yeah Yeah, that's not so bad it's not like this one Oh dude, this one's way better Yeah, oh you know what's more realistic though in in real life if you were breaking such a big piece of star phone? I think it would sound like this. All together now. No, no, no, no. What's the time?

How many buttons can you press at the same time on a stream deck? Ooh. Oh, whoa. That's wow. Anyway, where does the breaking go? The broken, the, you know, snapped piece. Dude, it's been, the breaking part of it, the actual snap doesn't bother me, with those two pieces. two pieces if someone grabbed them and started rubbing them together. That has been what has plagued me my whole fucking life.

So that goes to the bottom of D tier because that image is one that haunts my nightmares. Ball, ball A tier. Ballless life. And we're done. Great job. Good show. Good bit. Fun. I think this is a really bottom weighted tierless. This is kind of negative today. Styrofoam is a bottom so it makes sense. But you know what's at the top? Art. Art's great. Love art. Art is good. That's Wade's S tier styrofoam sound Not the sound It's all part of it though

The smell, the sound The taste, the texture They let they give you a piece And you can chew on it or whatever you want Stick it in your pants It's art I can't believe there's worms that eat this shit Those need to be exterminated immediately

No, they're gonna save our lives They're going to consume all the excess sight You want the worms This is the sound you want to hear Wade You want to hear Wade You, because that's the sound of the worms eating all the styrofoam that's otherwise never going to degrade, that's always going to just be laying around, piling up. Styrofoam is going to choke out the world unless we can make more worms like that. All right, then do it, I guess.

I'll just get rid of it somehow. All right, we're sending some to your house. I'll send you a big, big styrofoam box full of worms. Hopefully they're still inside by the time it gets there. It'll go with the rest of my boxes unopened and in the corner. I'll find their way out, don't you worry. Oh, man, what an episode. Good episode.

Oh, we're not done yet. Yeah, we're not done yet. What are you talking about? Okay. I don't feel so good. I don't feel so good. I know what I'll help you. Reading another scripted bit.

Oh, fun. Don't worry, buddy. This one's actually a little bit longer than what Mark has. It'll go fast. It'll go fast. I'm going to put the script in the chat. And you could just read it from it. the chat. Wow, that looks long in that chat. Jesus, I had to scroll for a minute there.

Editors were fading into the interior of distractible, whatever that means. Sorry, no, no, another camera there. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out tonight. We've got a great line of a comedians for you and we'll get to those right after this first guy. He's bald. He won't shut up about philosophy and for some reason he's here to perform for you right now. It's Wade. Woo! It's a little more enthusiastic than I was. I was inspecting, there you go. Whoa.

That's accurate. Do do, do do, do. This is not in the script, so I just want to put that out there. That was a good bit of improv, Wade. I appreciate it. Like, fuck you guys. Fuck you all for watching and listening and fuck you too for putting this together. It's scripted.

Do you not see this? Is it too hard to read the scripted part? It said I began my comedy routine, which I did. And then you guys had to talk shit. And it says I'm an asshole. so I'm trying to be an asshole, which is I think what I'm doing. The part where it says Wade in Capitals, that's, oh, you know what, this is too hard to read. I thought it would format it better than this.

This is too hard to read now that I'm saying. Send it to me. I'll put it in script format for it. I can read this part. I was just doing my comedy routine and being an asshole. Here, Wade, can you open this link? What happens when you click on that? I'm signing in with my Google account to something.

It's fine. It's fine. I encountered an error. Son of a bitch. The only thing I see is. Fade in. It's dark and stormy. Well, that's not it. Here, I'm sending you with a PDF.

The PDF finally happened. I'm sending you the PDF. Okay. I really thought that would work better, but, uh... Oh, I didn't know that you were supposed to read the other part, so I'm glad that you broke the silence with that, because I didn't see the word Bob anywhere. Yeah, I was...

I thought you were just letting it cook. That's fine. What's up, douchebags? That's right. It's time for Wade's big philosophy funnies. How many of you idiots? Know what philosophy even is? Oh, do you know, Mark?

Do you know? No. You probably don't fucking know. No. You dropped out of college. Bob, do you know? Oh, you were so smart. You went to law. I went to law. Where I practiced my law? Not at all. And you guys out there, what are you doing with your lives? Not doing anything productive because you're watching us.

You have to be antagonistic towards the show. Wrong, wrong, no, no, no, double no, idiot. Look at this guy. Hair. Anyway, you're all stupid. So I'll just tell you. Philosophy is whatever someone smarter than you tells you what to believe. Since I'm clearly the smart one here. I'll just tell you all how to live. So Jean-Paul's Sartre, I don't even know how to pronounce his fucking name, because I'm also an idiot,

is writing Being and Nothingness at a local cafe when the barista comes up and asks him if he wants anything. Sartre says, yes, I'd like a coffee, please. No milk. The barista responds, I'm sorry, Monsieur, we're out of milk. Would you like it with no cream instead? Don't you just love Jean-Paul Sartre? Jean-Paul. No. Oh, yeah, Mark, you have a line. Say who. Oh, who? Who! Anyway, Descartes is sitting at a bar having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another.

I think not, he says, and disappears. You guys don't get it because you're fucking stupid. What do you get when you cross the joke with a rhetorical question? Two behaviorists have sex. One turns the other and says, that was good for you. How was it for me? Oh, these are the jokes.

Is that philosophy? How many philosophers does it take to change of lightball? Depends on how you define change. Well, that's my time. you're welcome for all the wisdom I just dropped. Stay stupid. All right, the script just says he has to decide when it's time to come back that he's supposed to just stay off camera until he thinks it's time to come back.

So we're free now. Well, that was way shorter than I expected. You guys complimenting my performance? You think that was true to the script? You think that was a long enough break there? I thought you'd be gone for... Oh, I thought it said, I decide. I didn't know what...

Do you know what any of those jokes meant? I didn't honestly... I expected you to be able to pronounce the French guy's name. I don't think I ever read any Sartre. I never read any of his word. I finally got the rhetorical question one way too late. That's great. I got the rhetorical question.

What about Descartes? I think, therefore I am. And he says, I don't think, therefore he disappears. He's not since he doesn't think. What was the question? Descartes. He said, I think, therefore I am. And then the answer if he wants to be here, he says, I think not.

And then he isn't anymore because he doesn't think. think. Oh. He disappears. I see. I got it. Philosopher's changing a lightball, but like the word change depends on what they do to the light ball or how it line ball. Okay. Do you know what behaviorists believe or what that? Do you know what that is? I don't know that one. But I really like that it was good for you. Was it good for me? I think that's a hell of a line. Yeah. I imagine behaviorists focus on other people's behavior. So like, they're probably like, I don't know. I've never studied behaviorism. Do you know anything about philosophy?

You're pretty rude about the whole thing. What is knowing? It's when you know something and you could tell someone else what it is. See, for me, philosophy was more about learning to think than it was remembering stupid facts. Like, facts get in the way. I think facts are knowledge. I think you're talking about wisdom. Explains why you didn't get any of the humor.

That's the only scripted bit I have. Not a very good screenwriter. No, that was great. I loved it. I enjoyed it. I liked my intro with the coin and the cigar and I liked my comedy philosophy jokes. I thought that was all great. Much better than the last bit with the noises and pictures.

Ah, the noises. Okay, man. Great show. Great episode. You guys did a good job. I apologize, Wade. I didn't write you an outro, so you're on your own. Oh, is this the outro time?

Unless you got more show. I'm ready. I don't know. Bob, is it my outro time? Would you like me to come up with something on the fly for you to do? Or would you... No, no. If you're good, I just want to make sure I have satisfied the requirements under one-man's

Show constitutional law. All good. I'll do an outro. Look at me. He he. I just did all of that dumb shit. Bald! Hope you enjoyed.

I was super toied with. Thanks for watching Distractable. One of us, probably won. I'm going to hand it over to these two now to determine who that was. Oh, well, you know, it's a tough choice. It was a real tough battle out there. I think that, you know, hmm. I wrote down a lot of points.

And almost none of them were for Wade. Yeah, almost none. Who else could they be for? I just said anyone who's not Wade on my scorecard. I don't know. I guess technically Wade has to win it, though. Yeah.

If we're going to follow our own made-up rules that don't mean anything. Yeah, I mean, it's his show. He's the only one competing, so. Congratulations, I guess are in order. You did it. Over. It's done. Your prize is a lifetime supply of packing peanuts.

going to be flooded by hose into your house. Every window, we've already tapped. We've conquered your HVAC system. We're going to be pumping it in from below and above. That would actually be, okay, the noises, sir. Oh, not that one. What the fuck was that? That was the intro again.

I think packing peanuts in the window, like filling a house with packing, even a room would be the worst prank someone could pull on me. Noted. You guys want to give like a loser? your speech. Do I give the loser's speech? We didn't lose. Who did? Me? I think everyone lost. I definitely think there should be a starful morning on the

top of this episode. I know you're not the only person who dislikes those sounds, and there was a lot of that. I'm thankful that most of those were relatively mild. There were a few that gave me the chills, but most of them were relatively mild, and I appreciate that. Try to keep it fun here, you know? Most cases worse than the actual noise. There were some

bad noises. You got some bad ones. Well put. Good to see you, boys. Glad it came back like this. Man, I've got so many ideas for the next episode. I still know which one I'm going to pick, so stay tuned. I guess one of us should do the outro, huh? Do check out the follow the podcast or the merch? But what did all that shit we usually say? Anyway, people keep saying, hey, why don't we just stock more is like we have been each time we have stocked more than we did last time. It's not a ploy. You guys just buy it. And so next time we'll order more where we're working on it. there's Valentine's Day stuff coming that no one has not been public yet.

So see if that's there. Unless you catch it in the first hour, it's probably sold out. So you really got to be on top of it. Okay, bye. Podcast out. Watch new episodes on Spotify.