Distractible - Wade's Silly Choices

Episode Date: January 30, 2023

A major tone switch from last week, today Wade makes Mark and Bob parse through strange and hilarious scenarios such as having the worst super power, living in a clown-ruled Earth, and many more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. A fresh voice can speak to you and open your ears and your mind to new views and new perspectives. The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you, taking you to greater heights. Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at Michigan.org. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production.

This week, the Fridge Appreciation Society meets again. Bob underestimates the utility of micromass drivers and nearly tongues himself to death. Winning Wade puts the boys in the doghouse with farts. And Mark has a magnificent mantle and wants sonic boom inducing erections. From improvised musicals to clowning around. Yes.

It's time for Wade's Silly Choices. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Will, I'm gonna eat crackers the whole time. So please cut out all my crunching. And make his talking sound like he's not chewing while he talks.

Thanks, Will. I'll fix that in post, okay? I'm going to be eating Altoids. I'm both going to be biting them and rolling them around between my teeth. So if you could just get that out of there. I'm going to be hosting. I'm not sure which of these three things

is more annoying for you to deal with, Will. I'm gonna be eating live puppies, so please cut their screams out. Oh, God, no! I mean, wolf. You're allowed to laugh, Mark. This fucking guy is fucking guy. I know you hate that you find some of the shit I say funny, but I really enjoy that you laugh and then hate yourself for it.

This guy right here, he's hilarious. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I'm your host this week. It's finally time. I'm back. It's Wade's turn. Oh, it feels good.

If you're new here, well, I always win. So this is not a surprise. If you've not been here in a while, I can't believe how long it's been since I've won! But the way this show works is somebody hosts, they pick a theme or, you know, an episode format, and the other two contestants, who I'll introduce in a moment, compete. I assign points, or the host, in which case it's me today, and whoever has the most points at the end wins.

Or loses, I guess, if the host decides that that's the way it goes. Who knows? Up to me. I decide everything. And I'm joined today by my lovely, beautiful contestants, Mark and Bob. Hey, guys. Hello. Hello. Which one of us is lovely? Which one of us is beautiful?

Yeah. Whoever wins gets the title. Of both? Yep. So only one of us is lovely and beautiful, and the other one is what? Nothing? Ugly and horrible. If you guys work hard enough, you could tie, then you could both have it.

Is that possible? We've had ties before. Shake hands. True smirk. It's a tie. Okay, shaky handy. All right, episode over. If only it was up to you, but it's up to me.

It's a draw. We decided. Silly fools. But really, how are things going? Um, I, well, you know. Wow, that's great. Bob, how are you? Everybody remembers and loves my refrigerator. We got a new competitor for appliance in my house that makes me the most angry. Oh, the dryer is a real a-hole. The dryer. I would have thought the washer.

My goddamn dryer won't dry clothes. Oof. Have you thought about air drying? That's what we do. Oh. He was giving this error and turning itself off, saying that the airflow is 90% blocked. D90 error. And it's not.

Are you sure? I bought a brush And brushed I did with the drill I zooped out the whole pipe That goes to the outside There's no lint in it There was a little bit

And I cleaned it out My dad helped me do it And then we looked at the dryer And there was nothing blocking nothing There's a maximum amount of airflow space available So there's no way in hell it's 90% blocked. Ah. Hmm.

Anyway, our dryer sucks. I don't know if it's risen to the level of the refrigerator, but I also don't know if the refrigerator gets all the credit for all the problems that we had, because it was kind of on the shoulders of the delivery guys. The dryer sucks on its own accord. It did it all by itself. Well, if you don't get your clothes wet, you won't have to dry them.

Ah, just dry clean them. That's true. Yeah. What do you wipe them with a napkin? I think you just get like dry shampoo or dry Febreze and spray them and then you're done. Dry Febreze as opposed to... Wet Febreze, silly. Yeah, isn't normal Febreze

wet? I'm with him. You know, you're right. That's egg on my face. The spray bottle is full of water. That's egg on my face. You goose. I'll take that one. You're not a goose. You of water that's egg on my face you goose you're just a goose bob do you think you have the most famous fridge in america it's got to be close what fridge is more famous there's that guy on tiktok he's a cooking tiktoker he's like a chef when he cooks something that's delicious for some reason he beats the shit out of his fridge great and he's a pretty famous tiktoker so he might be his fridge might be

kind of famous but otherwise who's got a who has a famous fridge i don't think anybody i had one at one point when i first started youtube i had a fridge in my background that people liked but that was like three people that cared about my fridge back then you've got to have like millions that care about your fridge now how could any of your viewers have torn their attention away from the riveting settlers of katan content long enough to notice a fridge in the background? I don't know how y'all feel about your original content, but if I go back and watch me, the fridge is much more riveting than anything I said. I hate everything I made before yesterday. And once I realized what I've done today, I'll hate that too.

Didn't you technically make your baby far before yesterday? He said what he said. Content. Baby ain't content. Oh, okay. Listen, we're not going to start the family vlog channel until he can talk, okay? That's when it gets funny. Not at all abusive or manipulative.

I see, I see, I see. The child is abusive and or manipulative uh well it really depends on the content but my understanding is family vlog channel is code for we hate our kids watch them suffer interesting duly noted to answer the question about the most famous fridge i haven't gotten most famous fridge i've got most popular fridge brands i've got which is the best fridge to buy not mine and i was hoping the answer would be not bob's but unfortunately it's just another brand name so i'm not getting an answer as to who owns the most popular is there a brand of fridge you should

not buy i'd be curious if it was the brand i have i'm sure worst fridge to buy i put a five in the middle of the word worst for some reason so it's were fives fridge to buy and there's no D in fridge. So apparently I can't spell. Well, you're just late hacksaws now. No, I'm only getting good recommendations. I guess I have no answer for you. I'll just say it. My brand of fridge is Samsung unless they want to sponsor us,

in which case it's some other brand. Thanks, Samsung. Will, just censor over when he says the brand and then insert like bad fridge and robot voice or don't you can also list the brand you have to do that will we're not going to get sponsored by samsung unless they wouldn't dare they wouldn't dare unless blessed oh well i'm glad that you know you guys are you glad that my appliances suck ass i'm glad that mark's and your appliances suck yeah i didn't actually say anything so it was the lack of saying that really said it all Glad that my appliances suck ass. I'm glad that Mark's and your appliances suck.

Yeah, I didn't actually say anything, so. It was the lack of saying that really said it all. Unless you have something to now say. Ah, five points for me. Sure. Oh, that's not fair. They don't count for this episode,

but in a future episode that he hosts, he can give himself those points. Can I redeem the pending points that I have in the past for this episode? How many points do you have pending and from what? I believe several hundred if I remember. Yeah, exactly. Well, if you both just agree,

then sure, Mark has several hundred points. Yes! Yes! Fair's fair. Fair's fair. I gotta give it to you. Plus five, I guess because I'll count the plus five he just gave himself. So Mark has several hundred points plus five. Bob, do you have any pending points or deductions or anything? I think I have negative

twelve points remaining from a previous episode. So right now, the score before we've even started is Mark, several hundred points plus five. Bob, negative 12 or something. That seems good. I hope that everyone on the subreddit is sent into a tizzy trying to find all these mysterious points we're referencing. Subreddit, no matter what's happened in the past, we have now equalized it.

We have decided as a group that in order to equalize things i guess i'm fine mark has several hundred points plus five he was owed that he now has and bob has negative 12 or something which sounds about right i think these are exact measurements so no need to go back well actually yeah we need the views please go back make. Make sure I'm right. Listens. Whatever. Chat, audience, team guests, listeners, viewers, whatever you are. Keep it up. We need the slizzies. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Please give us more slizzies. Now, after last week, which was a great episode, I absolutely loved hearing the story. I've been dying to hear it. Thank you, Bob, for sharing it. But it was a relatively serious episode. I've tried to go a little bit more light-hearted this week and i will admit before we start we have done similar type discussions as this this is not meant to be a new completely innovative will

sound the repeat episode alarm not a repeat well we had it ready just for this occasion will play this is intentionally just a light-hearted discussion discussion episode where I've come up with some different scenarios that I want us to talk through. And you guys can be as serious or as silly in your answers as can be. Some of these questions are silly. Some are serious. I will award points however I deem fit. However, Bob, you're in a slight hole with a minus 12 or something deficit compared to Mark's several hundred points plus five. Does it really say 12 or something deficit compared to Mark's several hundred points plus five.

Does it really say 12 or something? It's literally, I've written on my paper, minus 12 or something. Or something could be like plus a thousand. Like, you know, it's something. It could be. It could be minus more. It could be plus more. Only I know the something's value.

Maybe we'll decide that at some point. I don't know. Yeah. And several hundred. Is that 300? How much is several? I guess. Yeah.

Several is three and only three. That's the only correct answer. All right. Well, there you go, everybody. Several is not four. What's that? What's four? Four is four.

Four is four. Yeah. I don't like this. Four is the point at which a handful begins. It's 100 or a hundred. It's a couple hundred or 200, several hundred or 300, and then just four. Wouldn't a handful depend on the object that is in your hand? Or what kind of hand you have?

Handful is a range. It's relative. Yeah. Handful is anywhere from four to like a dozen. Well, then a dozen is a dozen. A baby's handful is very different than a giant's handful. Or if you have a baby in your hand, that's a giant's handful well if you have a baby in your hand that's a handful of baby but it's one baby and what if the baby has things in his hands then

it's all in your hand but it's also in three different hands oh you're right yeah handfuls very complicated what if i'm holding a big old boob then you're lucky it's a handful of boob that'd be a mamful ah you're right then you're lucky and you also have a mamful. You're right. Gotcha. Then you're lucky and you also have a mamful. Five poison popper though. Oh no, he gets more than that. He's getting something more. Wow.

The mythical something more. Minus 12 or something plus something more. There we go. It's on the sheet. All right, cool. I'm going to love calculating points later. Good luck, future me. This episode is brought to you by Secret.

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So whatever ideas come to mind, good, bad, funny, serious, let's just share them. Okay? Great. Okay. Glad we all agreed. Excellent. Excellent. I blanked out.

I got a fart coming. I feel like I mentally blinked and I missed the actual explanation. So I'm just agreeing and I figure I'll figure it out on the way. Perfect. Well, should be pretty self-explanatory. Here's the first discussion. Bob, I guess I'll figure it out on the way. Perfect. Well, should be pretty self-explanatory. Here's the first discussion. Bob, I guess I'll let you... Well, you know, I'll let you guys decide who goes first

based on whether you have an idea or not. First prompt. What would you do if you were stuck with the worst superpower? And what, in your mind, is the worst superpower to have? Do we buzz in? I don't know if I have a buzzer. What in God's name is happening? I think it's Morse code

for help me, for the love of God, help me. I do have a buzzer. I have a buzzer too. I don't like that. That buzzer sounds like Styrofoam moving together. I don't like that one. I don't like that one at all. Oh wait, I do have a buzzer. Alright, well I'm glad our contesters

both have buzzers. However, I think it was a close one, but I think Mark buzzed in about, I don't know, five seconds faster. So Mark... I've forgotten what the question was. Great! What is the worst superpower and what would you do with it? Oh, yeah.

Are we talking like comic book superpowers, powers that exist? Because I could just talk like shoot spaghetti out of your fingers and, you know, I don't know. However you interpret it, this is open-ended. Oh, interesting. I mean, immortality is probably like my worst superpower and a lot of people might go like oh maybe but not but i think i've talked about this before the idea of living forever through everything and never being able to uh die means that you exist after everyone else you know is dead the sun explodes or whatever the sun's gonna do i think it's just gonna turn into

a big old red giant and then cook the atmosphere off of earth and you live through that you live through the earth the sun collapsing down to a whiter brown dwarf and then you just sit there in cold loneliness for all eternity i think that's pretty terrible yeah yeah that's definitely up there how would you try to navigate the end of everything if you had that super what would you do what would i do i don't know what you do with it it's one of those you have eternal life what do you do with it it's something beyond our ability to comprehend like you go through so many eras yeah technology is changing and all that but humanity doesn't really change like you see all these things and you kind of have this thing where you don't have super strength you don't

have super intelligence all you could do is just not die. So it's not like you can really change the world. It's not like people listen to you because a worst case scenario, they put you in a cement box and then just leave you in the bottom of the ocean. And then you're stuck even worse. So you don't really want people to know, but they might find out eventually, but you kind of want to keep that to yourself.

I guess that's true. I feel like the potential even worse part of that is, like you said, there's no other superpowers. It's not invincibility either. So, like, you can be maimed. You could be injured and or, like, lose, you know, get a limb chopped off or something. You could lose things that would make it more difficult

for you to just go about your life or, you know, if you live forever but you don't have any fingers, that's tough. Do you regenerate? Like, what happens if your, like like head gets blown up or something it's blown up uh i think vital organs and body parts are invulnerable but your entire self is not invincible to harm so only like deathly blows and or deathly effects would be prevented okay to be fair that does sound pretty bad being stuck living like that forever. It's only an eternity of misery.

Only an eternity of misery. All right, Bob, ruling that one out, now you're left to pick up the pieces of what to you would be the worst superpower if it's not living forever. Well, I was kind of thinking in that vein, but when Mark took that, and I'm trying to be original here,

so I'll say I think the worst superpower other than living forever would be to be able to throw a rock no matter what size it was. Any rock in existence I am able to throw. But that's it. How far? And you can't carry them. You can't otherwise do anything special with them. You have the ability to pick it up with one hand and throw it like a baseball

and achieve superhuman range and power. So like I could throw any rock, you know, 500 meters or something, half a kilometer. So an impressive range, no matter how big or small, but that's it. Can't fly, nothing else. You could drop the rock on yourself. If you were to throw it straight up in the air Would it would switch you if it landed on you? I think that would be a terrible superpower and What I would do with that

I would probably try and find some sort of like video game speedrunner s exploit to like throw a rock That I'm on to the moon or something, you know get a spacesuit that I'm on to the moon or something, you know, get a space suit, see if I could do it. But then once I'm on the moon, is the moon arguably a rock? Probably not,

but I don't know if we're using scientific definitions. Is my magical superpower considered the moon a rock? No, just some escalations. See, I don't know. This sounds pretty cool. This sounds dope. Like you're on a journey of self-discovery

and you just got like on the moon, you're spinning the rock or the rock that is but i'm not invincible or anything i have a limited amount of oxygen i got no way back this is like a fuck around until i accidentally die kind of situation can you throw a rock and then stand on it while you're throwing it and you just use it as travel and you're just like i would hope so until you crash until you land like i guess if you're just a normal person who can throw a rock how would you throw it and then get to it in time to ride it like a trampoline or something some kind of that'd be the downside though right like throw it into a trampoline and then it bounces back and i'm in a position where i can jump onto it as it flies by i think you just get crushed this is gonna going to be perfect.

You could probably pick up a rock that has other people on it. Like they could enjoy riding on your rock. I don't know if you could ride on your own rock. Well, then I don't know what I would do. It's just an awful superpower. It did actually. It's bad at everything. I don't know.

You can throw like incredibly huge things. That sounds pretty awesome, actually. But what's it good for? What? To lift heavy things? You know, you're in a quarry. Justry rocks what if someone's trapped under a rock 127 hours would have never happened on your watch that's true but those aren't rocks those that's like a mountain that's a cliffside still technically a rock maybe it was one rock that was like wedged down so i think if

your definition has to be a spherical ish okay no okay rock. The Earth is just a big rock. Well, right. Arguably. It might depend on how the technicalities play out. Is it horrible? Because as soon as you touch it, is it like King Midas where it glues to your hand like a video game? You have to throw it?

You have to throw it. So if you touch the ground and then twist your wrist like 90 degrees, the whole earth would move 90 degrees In accordance with your wrist and so everyone would be thrown off immediately of the rock. There's the earth. Is that why it's bad? He's on stone mountain. That's power though. Yeah, that's power that might not be so bad You're on stone mountain down to the land Everyone's like hiking up and you like slip and your hand touches it You're like, oh no

I mean like you go to shake your hand off But you pick up the entire mountain and throw it and everyone just falls off you shake the mountain if i'm on the mountain and i pick it up to throw it while i'm on it does that count as throwing a rock that i'm on that i could use for travel i say yes does it just need to be a big enough rock sure yeah i guess so i say yes what if you go to throw it and you put like your left hand out in front so whenever you throw it assuming you throw with your right arm, vice versa, if you're left-handed, but whichever hand you throw with your other one, you keep reached out. So the moment you throw it, that hand can latch on and you throw it and catch yourself

that way. So you can ride it. And you're just yanked through the air by your attachment to it. That's pretty cool. By your own rock throwing strength. This is pretty dope. You know what? Maybe I didn't pick the worst superpower.

Maybe there's a lot to this. It's just very technical. You guys went a different route. I was thinking like, man, I can grow my ear hair at will. Like that'd be the worst. Like something like that. See, that's why I asked like if it was otherwise it would be shooting spaghetti from my fingers, which I don't think would be the worst.

I feel like to call it a superpower. I guess that is superhuman because it's something that a normal human can't do. Yeah, control like the growth of like hair. But like, is a superpower something that a human can't do? Or is a superpower a version of something that a human can do, but it's super? I want to have the power to piss so hard. It's like a water jet cutting things. Got Mario Sunshine dick.

cutting things got mario sunshine dick i don't know clean off the oil spill but i have to stay hydrated all the time i don't know about the limitations of this like some superpowers like a homelander has like the laser eyes that's not something a normal human can do but it's still a superpower whereas other things yeah like superhuman strength or just something people can do but they can do it better i think it works either way yeah that's why my super piss that's my power and it's terrible yeah super piss you already pissed but now you're super piss i feel like superpower is applied too broadly i feel like some powers are more like mythical powers or magical powers like like the green lantern i don't know if that would qualify as magic but it strikes me more as magic than anything else so what if it's like just pertaining to the human body,

but it's just you're incredible at it? Like you can get a boner in the most fraction of a second. You can go from pure flaccid to wham! Like there's a sonic boom when you get a boner. I like your thing, except I want it to be shit. My arch nemesis. That's a way more convenient angle for, like, flying and stuff, you know? It comes out the right place for your center of gravity.

It's you, shit blaster. So instead of shooting lasers out of your eyes, you turn around, bend over, you fire a shit, and then, like, it cuts to the villain, like, looking down at the hole in his heart with, like, a brown stain around it, just like, You've got me, Bob. Oh, like I would just stand on the ground and turn around and face my butthole at him. I would launch myself into the air

in a very carefully targeted corkscrew and fire a violent shit right at the right moment, obviously. Sorry, I didn't build up the proper height for the scene. Well, it's really uncool to bend over and face away from someone. But if you launch yourself into the air, then anything's pretty cool. Even pooping.

Yeah, exactly. It's like you're constantly floating with your legs crossed in like a meditation pose above your fountain. See, me with my piss blaster, I can't sit on it like you can so elegantly I have to float I mean, how do you how do you hover with your with your TP blaster? It's like I'm skydiving, you know, my arms and legs are out You have to balance Very precarious narrow stream, you know I like the idea that neither one of you can fly

But you have like a toilet seat spaceship that you sit on that powers your shit and urine into like a propelling Vehicle so you can fly around by utilizing the power seat spaceship that you sit on that powers your shit and urine into like a propelling vehicle so you can fly around by utilizing the power what do you think the butthole is the butthole is a perfect funnel you know what could fix it mark what you could get specially shaped cups oh you're right out of uh vibranium you're right that would direct you to have like a vector thrust situation i'm liking this more and more see it's like spider-man he didn't like in in the comics he didn't have natural web shooters he had to make them so i have to modify my powers you're you're like that oh this is gonna show a big empty spot in my knowledge you're like that laser eyeball guy from x-men's if he doesn't wear his glasses his laser just

leaks out everywhere yeah that's the one i couldn't remember i'm sorry i have to put in the cork you know so all right i'm going to assign some amount of points we've got more topics to get to but i like our i like where this went i think really do you for the sake of this podcast yes for the sake of humanity yes awesome i look forward to receiving my superpower okay let's go with this question what would you do if you had to choose to either live in a world that's always a musical or live in one of those lifetime movies that's kind of like a thriller where you can't trust anybody and you know the people you care about at least one of them will betray you at some point so wait it's either a musical everything's a musical or or it's like a suspense tv movie yeah is it a musical like hamilton where like 90 or more of the dialogue

is all song or is it a musical like i don't know like the wizard of oz or something where like no there are songs interspersed almost all song like almost every conversation you have has to be sing-songy it could be fun it could be fun it could be fun i'm thinking about it do i get to sing the good part or am i in the chorus a lot in the musical am i the main character basically it's not clear where you'll be cast you just know that whatever role you have you'll have to sing it so even when you're going through like tough moments in life you know you've got to be sing-songy about what's going on the good and the bad i have my choice me too right right right damn it mark beat me i can't believe it yeah mark's buzzer went off first again mark i'm gonna

go with the tv movie because i feel like the musical would get old after a while or you'd get used to it and it wouldn't be any different but the movie it always is the most ridiculous bullshit that you both see coming and then don't see coming, but it's usually kind of harmless, but sometimes not I feel like it would keep things interesting at the very least you never know what's gonna happen There's never a boring day in that world because everything is always doing something I feel like a lot of the Lifetime movies I've seen like my mom used to watch a lot of times She probably still does it's like so many of them the husband ends up being like some horrible serial killer or something So I feel like

probably true to real life a lot of men are just really shitty wow but now they're like also secretly serial killers too everyone's a serial killer that sounds pretty cool there's a bunch of serial killers in a room talking to each other which was like a walmart for victims everyone just goes they're like oh hey bill who are you killing today oh i don't know i figure i go to the gardening section find a farmer or something all right see you later tim man bill sounds like a prick so i'm gonna kill bill there's two volumes of that oh that's actually already a movie franchise stealing that from no went in to rant to know no finally it's not me yeah fair enough well i would pick musical yeah yeah i like it i don't know if

i'd be a good singer and i don't know if i'd be the main character but i like the idea of everyone clearly stating how they're feeling what's happening what has happened unavoidable foreshadowing of what's going to happen i like the idea of a world where everyone's really up front about stuff. And everyone, you know, you just have an emotion and then there's a song about it. So everyone around you is like, oh, he's happy. Got it. In theory, I feel like that sounds true. But like, imagine the story you told last week, right?

Where like you had a really serious moment where Mandy thought she was dying. And like, then you hear like Dan, the piano man, you hear like his musical cue right after she says that, and you know, one of you two has to sing about it like there'd be some really awful moments that music would come and you'd be like oh i have to sing now like it'd be appropriate music it's not a i mean that's true it's not gonna be like i could be i guess it could be yeah could be i guess for me music is a music is a way is one of the strongest ways that helps me deal with emotions. That's fair.

A lot of, like law school was a really hard time for me because I was conflicted because I wanted to quit and it was very difficult. Law school itself is a hard thing to finish and it was just like, it was very hard. It was a long time of a lot of effort. Music is what got me through it in a lot of ways where I'd get in my car after a day at law school to go home and have dinner or whatever and i put on specific songs and i would like cry it out on the way home and by the time i got home i was like singing along with the music feeling better it helped me deal with uh tough times i feel like that would apply if if everything was a musical it would definitely be not like there'd be moments where i would hate it but there would also be moments like in in sad moments and hard moments

i think it potentially would be really helpful because i'm not otherwise i'm not great at like dealing with emotion i don't like talk it out i'm not good at expressing it a lot of the time i just sort of keep it inside and uh so i feel like that'd be okay for me is it one musical that's a shared experience or is everyone having separate musicals in different rooms i was just thinking that like your kid and your parents are trying to sneak off so they can have sex and you just hear from beyond their door i'm banging you like is it just had sex are you gonna like so you see your neighbor outside outside he's like by the way tim i'm fucking your wife you get a robber in your house i'm sneaking in here stealing shit not gonna get caught this

robbing your shit robbing your shit people people still have secrets in the land of musicals in the sound of music the nuns don't have a big song and dance about how they're tricking the nazis they just keep it cool you know that's because it's all one one coherent movie but this is the like what if everyone is the their own main character right my head i'm filling this in it would have to work in some sort of way where like you know how life feels sometimes like there's like scenes like you're in one place and there's like there's a set group of people in this place even if it's like hundreds or thousands of people if you're like at a concert or somewhere there's like a set group of people in a set location and then like you walk into the parking lot and then you're in the car and that's like another scene i feel like it would have to be i almost just died oh on my own tongue i feel like it'd have to be like that where it's like each

new scene you travel to is a musical and in between it's like when they put the curtain down on the stage and they roll the pieces of the set around and they put the new stuff out and then the curtain comes back up and that's a new scene in the musical it would have to be something like that does everyone have to stop their life to do that? You know, in some, it's like you're in the road and buses just like completely careen off to the side. Everyone has to dance. Like, oh, yeah, I forgot this part was happening today. Your daughter, your daughter.

Honk, honk. Yeah, that could be part of it. That would definitely be a negative to it that makes sense to include, though. Would there be a social stigma against ruining other people's big moments yeah like the serious moment like in the hospital the doctor walks in he's like i get off in 10 minutes and i really don't care i'm so sorry about all your despair but i get off real soon and then the nurse looks at him and it's like yeah you do when we meet in the break room because it means two things because get off is a sex thing too uh funny funny funny funny no yeah i mean that absolutely would have to be part of it because you gotta have villains in a musical you gotta have obvious villains you know oh yeah yeah you gotta have obvious antagonists and then there's like clicks

you know there's a normal musical people and then people fucking hate the operatic like group over there. It's like, oh, God, I don't know. It's like, Jesus Christ. We are singing. You have that one friend who's always really dramatic whose whole life is an opera. Yeah. So which one, were we picking which one was better or worse? Because I'm, I don't know. I'm confused.

I don't know. I'm just going to assign some amount of points here for this and we'll move i just want to live in musical land that's what i pick musical land does sound interesting but so it sounds interesting so does the like suspense thriller world granted it would also be really stressful not being able to trust anyone because you're like i know someone close to me he's the traitor i know it i found the one last week which means there's got to be a new one now. You have to kill everyone you know, then they can't betray you. But they were already dead the whole time. Playing 10D chess.

Would that just make you the one who betrays everyone? Exactly. I never would have suspected me. Me the whole time. We're spending a little bit more time on these than I expected, which is good. But it also means I'm going to cut out some of these topics. I guess we're going to stick to some of the sillier ones.

I had some serious ones in here too, but I kind of like the silly vibe we got going, so I'm going to keep rolling with those. He likes the silly vibe. He's just a silly, goofy mood, this guy. It's a good, silly vibe. Hey, he's just in Honda the right vibe. I'm not going to judge him. Yeah.

All right. I'm not going to harsh it. I'm not harshing it. What would you do if you had to live in a world where clowns had taken over everything this is tyler's biggest nightmare but we're in like a clown tater ship where everything is run by clowns am i a clown not necessarily is this like fahrenheit 451 type dystopia where never we have to play along and be clowns to fit in with society or else we get re-educated. Yeah, do I become a clown?

Well, I guess we got to figure that out. What would clowns enforce? Would they force everyone to be clowns or would they want people to not be clowns so that they had an audience that would appreciate their clownness? Is this like hand clowns tale? Is this like everyone has to wear clown outfits when they wake up? The clown maiden's tale. Yeah, the scarlet clown letter.

I don't know. I don't know. What would a clown run world look like? Would they make everyone. The clown maiden's jail. Yeah, the scarlet clown letter. I don't know. I don't know. What would a clown run world look like? Would they make everyone dress like clowns? Or like I said, would they want people to not be clowns? Why would they be taking over the world then? They got to have some nefarious clown reasoning for it. Who knows the inside of a clown's mind?

Not me. I feel like the clowns would want to maintain their status though. If we live in a clown dictatorship, then the clowns are the ruling class you know they probably want to be the only entertainment too right they don't want you laughing at something that's not a clown well they wouldn't work if they're in charge they're trying to get out of the the rigmarole of their normal circus existence a clown is just hunting for the ultimate audience a captive audience that has to enjoy their performance it's a dying art you know what's a clown's performance it's not like mimery it's it's you know it's a dying art you know what's a clown's performance

it's not like mimery it's it's you know it's a they do the balloon it's it's like an interactive vaudevillian performance he's dramatic there's sketches yeah they juggle clown car bits they do little comedy bits they squirt water out of the flower they pull scarves out of their ass all kinds of stuff what was that i just i don't know what this means i think uh don't question it all right i don't know what this means but i just the brian reagan joke comes to mind where he's talking about like you'll see judges on tv you know i'm like judge judy type stuff who are like you know he's a no nonsense judge and then he's like what's the opposite the judge comes on screen and he's like i'm a nonsense judge like a silly hat and stuff and like that vibe right everything would have to be kind of silly clown clownly yeah i just gotta know how they how many clowns are we how many clowns

because we early on in our podcast history know about the dangers of parachuting clowns that's how they took over okay one day planes just flew overhead the clowns came down they took over and now we're living in the clown world that was the inspiration for this idea this would have to be like hundreds of millions of clowns right yeah so what like six clown cars are there clown traders clowns who believe in their cause guys were laughing well yeah yeah well yeah i mean can you look at it during the clown uprising can you become a clown can you join their ranks yeah and become like a lesser you know like a like a non-official but like a second class clown maybe they'll recruit there'll be some like clown boot camp where like

the strong make it and the weaker i don't know discarded or thrown to the lower tiers of society i feel like this is also gonna have forced clowning like involved here people are gonna be made into clowns like this has got clowning the clown well that's that's how you get through the checkpoints you get stopped at the checkpoint and they make you do it they make each person in the car do a clown gag yeah you slam on the horn but nothing happens so you squeeze your nose and they hear the honking they let you through yeah the spring lapel lapel flower the uh the twirly uh propeller on the hat gag the silly flower type you know out of the sleeve that's kind of magic magic's probably not cool do they kill you if you don't do they kill you they shoot you but the gun just hits

out a flag that says bang on it unless there's like the horror movie version of clowns that are like the enforcers. They send you down where everybody floats. I've never seen that movie, by the way, so I hope that reference was accurate. That was perfect. It was right on the money. Okay, good. Hey, Georgie, would you like a balloon? I think Wade referencing Pennywise is the most I know about that entire IP. Yeah, he offers balloons, and that's pretty much it now

if it was a if it was an invasion force of nothing but penny wise then i think things are a little bit more precarious it could be it's hard to say it's not happened yet we don't know which version of clown we're getting it could be all of them could be a mixture like i said maybe they've already taken over already maybe maybe the clouds are already in the government all the life's a stage are you dying because of clowns or are you laughing at clowns got too close to the truth so i'm oh okay being expunged you're gonna get a stern letter from the clown ruling class but be careful when you open the letter it it squirts you. I don't know, what does a joke letter do? Acid. Oh. Pure acid. Melt me on the spot. A clown shows up outside your bedroom window.

You sleep on the second story for this joke. And starts juggling bowling pins. And one of them shoots a little dart out of it right into the side of your neck through the open window as they're juggling. And then they unicycle away. You open the letter and it reads this letter will self-destruct you in 10 seconds like wait self-destruct me is that a type and then you just explode and the letter's fine funny two points to me all right excellent all right i was processing i was thinking about if that made sense or not i didn't get there i'm trying to picture it in my

head great i'm glad the subreddit made me feel better great um clown world it might be good it probably will be awful tyler i'm so sorry he wouldn't make it would tyler be the first to go i would want to live in that just to see what tyler would do you would go mad and murder every clown in existence and it wouldn't be a problem it's the end result i predict tyler would be the rambo of like clown i don't know is rambo the right term is he is he I don't know his Rambo the right term Is he I don't I've never watched Rambo. What do you think Rambo is wait? No, hold on What do you think Rambo is just a really powerful soldier who goes into places that like bad things are happening like? Overthrows the whole government and army by himself to bring justice and order. Yeah, you had it perfectly

Why were you doubting yourself? I've never seen it I just assumed that like the 80s action movie trope was kind of like that. It is the 80s action movie trope. Okay. Well, yeah. So Tyler would be the Rambo of the clown world. I was just wondering what your fear of like being wrong in this case was. What could Rambo possibly have been?

Anyway, continue. Isn't Rambo that elephant that can fly because he's got big ears? No, that's Crumbo. Both my things were real things. What's's crumbo you don't want to know i actually don't know it's crumbo something i feel like it was the clown who runs the uh penal system actually his name's crumbo because that's what you get to eat apparently crumbo's a person this was not meant to reference woody crumbo for the record that was just a coincidence sorry woody should have remembered that you exist woody crumbo i don't know but you certainly topple over

oh you're right the clowns are here don't don't don't patronize that that was awful oh god i'm making wade laugh more than than Mark. I've turned down another path here. Woody Crumbo. No, buddy, you're Dumbo. God. All right. What would you...

I'm going to read this one. I hope you guys aren't offended. What would you do if you were invited to join an actually good podcast? If we were invited? To join an actually good podcast if we were invited to join an actually good podcast yeah as a permanent this is not an indictment on go this is specifically insulting distractible all right so mark you might already be exempt maybe you're already on a good one but bob and i are only here i mean there's a lot to unpack here but i'll abstain for now i don't know why you were more

offended but i said i wasn't insulting go but those two syllables are surprisingly weighted oh no no i'm not insulted at all i'm just because i was like i was gonna be like no no we're at a good podcast definitely but what would define a good podcast that's the question i was invited to be a new co-host on the dollop which i would say is a widely accepted good podcast i would love it those guys are funny as shit you would leave distractible immediately to go have to leave we have to leave forever i have to leave is that part of it? Can I lie? Yeah. How good am I at lying in this universe?

I don't know. You're you. I just lie about it. And I would do a voice while I was co-hosting the dollop. Oh, I'm here on the dollop. I'm definitely not Bob. Yes, I would be Guru Harold on the dollop. Well, what other voices you got? I was thinking I'd be Two-Toes Johnny. Oh, yeah, the dollop.

I don't know what the dollop is, but it's definitely missing a two toes, Johnny. Oh, it's a great podcast. Very funny. Very funny. I don't listen to podcasts. I think they're kind of awful. Podcasts suck. I don't know.

I'm just lying. I don't listen to them either. Awful. Dead medium. Out the door. I mean, I would I'm ride or die because I'm assuming this is a scenario where the distractible quality has really gone down You know we've gotten into the triplicates of episodes. We've done. We're getting older like ten times already

I'm riding it down to the bottom. I'm going down with the shit. So basically give us six more months Today is it today is it God the clowns are back Hmm we just pull newness on us on this episode and just end it with screaming and have Today is it! Today is it! Oh god, the clowns are back. We just pull Nunes on us on this episode and just end it with screaming and honking in the distance as it slowly comes in. Like, oh no! Ethan! The clowns are here!

Oh! We always plan on ending Distractible on exactly this many episodes. Such an iconic ending formula i mean it's it really is i think half of all the videos ended in that exact fashion i mean it really was perfect with the the echoing voices and the whatever sound effect for whatever thing was happening and then just fade in the tiktok iconic bonus years and seven months or however long it's been for us been more than that

yeah it's it's almost it's almost gonna be two years not too far from now I guess it's four months or four-ish months is it really

he might be we launched May 17th of 2021 I think he's pretty close he's pretty close I think it's like nine months

but pretty close four months eight so it'd be a year and eight split the middle i don't know all right so we'd all leave distractible immediately is what i'm getting that cool i didn't what i said mark hates us he would be out abandon us at the drop well i'm glad we all agree die before you ride excellent answer excellent answer hmm what was that wait I would ride or die.

With distractible? Yeah. Fool. Minus at least 100 points. All right. At least 100. Oh, God. That's fair.

That's fair. That's fair. I'm going to mark that on the official sheet with all the other scorekeeping I've done. Mm-hmm. Okay. We all here have significant others. You know, Mark and Amy, Bob and Mandy, Wade and Molly. with all the other score keeping I've done. Okay, we all here have significant others, you know, Mark and Amy, Bob and Mandy, Wade and Molly.

So what would you do if every time you touched the person you love, hold hands, kiss, snuggle up, hug, whatever, you had to smell the worst B.O. for at least like a couple of minutes, just pure B.O. Uh, if I already do. Would you do? Whoa! Where's my buzzer sound?

There we go. Got it. I don't know if that's the appropriate buzzer for that. I don't know why it's so long. I pressed it one time and I'm talking. What do you mean? One of your buzzers was like... Which one was that? What are you hearing? Yeah, no. We both just One of your buzzers was like do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- it's kind of like morse code maybe you're just imagining that yeah yeah i just answered the

question i don't remember what the question was the question was wait that sounds like that buzzer i was referencing no that's not it uh i i made a joke implying that i stink and that i hug mandy all the time oh i thought you were implying that mandy just had a horrible bo at all times i thought you were just putting yourself in the doghouse for life. Someone could infer that from the way it was phrased, but that's not what I meant. All right, I'm going to add one doghouse to your points. Oh. Plus one doghouse.

Feels like this works a lot. Probably is. Are we going like pawn shop value or like antique auction value? Well, it's for the distractible podcasts where probably definitely pawn shop quality. Oh, well, that's less good. How would you handle that horrible smell?

Would you just deal with it? Or would you, like, try to plan out your handholds accordingly? Uh, you know what? I, I, are we waiting in line? Or I have a, I have an answer. I've realized something important about this. And I think I know the answer. I don't remember who's going first.

So, you know what? Go for it. My answer is is we already talked about that and wade's repeating a topic we've covered on this show minus at least a hundred points we talked about i believe during the body odor episode or possibly in one of the other very early ones a contraption through which farts could be captured and fed through a tube directly to a mask on another person's face.

I believe it was me talking about Mandy wearing a fart capture mask device that connected to my face, thereby training me to associate that smell with good things and retraining my brain to enjoy the smell of farts and associate them with mandy that we already decided and that applies to this scenario not bo farts you could re you're my my brain oh what's the word i'm trying to say neuroelasticity is that a word neuroplasticity neuroplasticity it's like a barbie doll in there

it's all plastic and i could retrain my brain to associate any smell with good things and thereby like all right it's not a smell you feel a strong uncomfortable electric shock are you so i get to choose where i feel it yeah nope random oh that's a good that's a good chance i feel like you could still accomplish what i'm saying but you feel like a toenail's being ripped off that could be a good thing i i could learn oh you're both not masochists right i could so how okay you're just going to increase the number of pain uh that it's going to be for each. The number, yes. What about with barriers? Like eight pain.

What if you had gloves with condoms? What about condoms? All pain. What? Condoms are all pain? So it's not whether it's skin to skin contact. It's whether the emotional decision to make contact is happening, whether or not there's a condom or something in between them yeah so if you guys are touching each other even with some layer of thing in between

up to something like i don't know what the thickness would be right but like if you were touching a wall it wouldn't have the same effect but if you were touching each other through some kind of like fabric or thin plastic or something like you know you can move around and still have some feeling through where it would have the same sensation, it would cause that feeling, that discomfort. Mmm, wall sex. Or does that have to do with it? I must have missed a step.

You could have sex on the opposite sides of a wall so you wouldn't have to deal with the pain or body odor or whatever punishment, but you could do it together still, even though you wouldn't be touching each other or anything. Glory hole? Is that what you're talking about? Well, no, that's too close.

It's got to be a thick wall. Oh, okay. Like an interior insulated wall. Interesting. I don't know why an interior wall is insulated, but... I do want to give a score update here while we're discussing this so people know I actually have been keeping score. Uh-huh.

Mark, you were at several hundred points, plus five, plus some amount of points, question mark, minus at least 100. Oh, yeah. Bob, you were at minus 12 or something, plus something more, plus points IDK, plus one doghouse, house plus one wall so that is our current score update and clarifies things i think we all know what we need to do here sounds like one of us is coming out of this with a new place to live yeah you are starting to build a home that's what what if in your scenario where where you cannot touch significant other without punishment well i i i

i can't even commit to this hang on oh please i marry a new third party and mandy marries a new fourth party and we touch those people and then they either touch each other and or we swap and so everyone's touching everyone except mandy and i aren't touching each other so the punishment's not happening but there's a lot of touching and and everyone's cool and there's no problems with having multiple people all married to each other but you're thinking you're thinking about the other yeah it's it's it's yeah it's giving you emotional gratification even though you're not actually doing any act or anything remotely resembling touching the person you're not supposed to uh cool so you're getting you're cycling in new partners in order to keep that from happening so you're keeping like that new spouse smell it's like an interstitial spouse

couple that passes along intentions without passing along skin-to-skin contact what if you catch feelings for said other person does it start to hurt no no you better not care about them at all you're gonna hurt yeah it would wouldn't it it would start to hurt would it hurt less with your original significant other though then could you stop caring okay i got it i got it okay not maybe i shouldn't nope no i'm gonna i'm going to bail. I'm going to bail immediately. I'm going to bail. I'm bailing. That's alright. You can give the points to me. I'll take one other couple

inside of our relationship. You got that new spouse smell going for you, Bob, because you're swapping out new spouses to keep feelings from coming in. Mark, I just gave you plus one escape vehicle points for bailing out of that thought. Thank you. Cool. It was going to involve taxidermy and it was not a good thought.

I think you could have just said taxidermy and everyone would have understood what you meant. No questions asked. I feel like I do anyway. I feel like you let us there even while also bailing on it. That's quite the move. Thank you. All right, good. I feel like I do anyway. I feel like you can let us there Even even while also bailing on it. It's quite the move. Thank you. It's a very delicate balance. What a what a maneuver Doing this one taxidermy to s. Oh, I added that to your point

You guys are really building up quite a case for winning here, uh-huh We've never had points quite like these. Okay. We're getting to that point where it's like, okay, should I wrap up now or do I try to do one quick banger? Do I have a quick banger? I know a quick banger. Oh, yeah? Guy at work named Steve, but it's not his fault and there's a medicine for that.

What? All right. Adding Steve to Bob's points. Premature ejaculation joke uh quick banger ah plus quick fire steve perfect ah i see i got quick fire steve on my side he's got quick fire steve oh hell yeah i didn't know quick fire steve was in town if this comes down to a duel no one draws faster than steve at least that's what his wife tells me i got mark's real laugh i did it guys i mean that makes me not feel good to do it brings joy in my soul i don't know what you're doing wrong

it fills my lungs with less oxygen than they want hmm that's weird any uh final points you guys want to add to any of these topics before i give out the final score uh bob i challenge you to a duel of your shit powers versus my piss powers okay all right All right. Point, question, point of clarification. Yeah. I'm imagining if I'm this poop-themed superhero type person that I have the ability to choose what state of matter the poop is when I'm evacuating it.

So, you know, liquid, solid, semi-solid. Does that include frozen or are you pretty much limited to liquid and i guess if you wanted to steam theoretically this is your guys's oh yeah no i was asking mark i just wanted to give you steam and control over the solidity if i can also shoot uh kidney stones at will oh yeah same amount of pain yeah but at whatever velocity i want any number you want like you could machine gun it yeah you just feel the ripping agony of a fully automatic machine guns amount of kidney stones blasting out all at once it's like my finishing move you know it's like a rail gun i just gotta when you use it you do like an anime scream but it's because of the agony not because you're

winning the fight it's like my hero instead of like saint louis punch it's cincinnati kidney stone exactly it's but it's like you know this thing could go through a tank you know it's like it literally could destroy heavy armor piercing stone it is this is high velocity can i charge my attacks then absolutely using the power of constipation yeah but you gotta be careful about that you could backfire right yeah you could get a rupture yeah yeah so it's there's risk reward i like this very balanced okay uh so what are we what are we super fighting this out or yeah we'll just meet at dawn in the big mountain valley with no one around you know that one I feel like that's a tough toss up. I obviously want to just say like, oh, I would shit all over you.

But I'm not sure who comes out on top. Yeah. I mean, the smack talk's good too. You shit over me, I'm going to piss on your grave. I'm going to eat some spicy food and give you the acid attack. Acid attack. I got a lot of asparagus last night oh no oh no that's uh that always gets me wait you could end every time i eat a spare we're ending it now i what i have come to a decision but who wins wait how does mark's

ejaculate work in this scenario it's not part of the same bodily system, but it's attached to the same... I'm going to read the points and I will tell you who the winner is and why. Okay. Mark, you have several hundred points plus five plus some points minus at least 100 plus one escape vehicle plus one taxidermy significant other, plus that bad laugh you have. Bob, you have minus 12 or something, plus something more, plus some points, I don't know, plus one doghouse, plus one wall, plus new spouse smell, plus quickfire Steve.

For what it's worth, Mark, you have more letters in the things you have than Bob does. What is that worth? Quickfire Steve has got to be worth a lot. Yeah, what is that worth? None of what i just read matters at all mark you're number one bob you're number two because mark you picked number one and bob you picked number two as your superpowers ah damn you guys chose the winner and loser for me there's nothing i can do all right fair enough but two is bigger than one and we

traditionally consider the winner to be the person with the highest score are you arguing that first is the worst and second is the best and the third is the one with all the hair on his head wait and that makes you a third i guess huh oh you know i do like that but this is out of my hands unfortunately based on the predisposed societal ranking of urine as number one, Mark, your piss takes the day. I thought, didn't Bob just argue that, I'll take it! Well, yeah, so that's fine.

I like the argument. I would love to be the one with the hair on my head, but the facts are, I just don't have it. All right. And now there's Bob. Well, someone's bald, aren't they? I sure am. And I just have to live with that. Try to give you the hair back on your head. Couldn't take it. Yeah, it's too late for me me and it's too late for this episode it happened i'm so

sorry everyone who listened i hope you learned something useful or at least got a nice laugh and if you didn't then well that time that you had is gone so hopefully you killed some time and now you're in a happier spot you're welcome bob i'm gonna allow you to go first with the loser speech i feel like we all know who would have won the fight in the valley uh that mark and i were setting up but you know that's fine that's maybe violence doesn't solve everything uh even if it would have been hilarious and disgusting i feel good about quickfire steve and i'm going to take solace in that. But only for a second. Well, and Mark's hosting next week, so Mark can decide that you guys can still have your Battle Royale if that's what you guys want.

Okay, we will get the winner of that when the next week episode rolls around. And Mark, winner speech? That was my winner speech. Great. Excellently done. Thank you guys for participating. Congrats onently done. Thank you guys for participating. Congrats on our winner. Thank you everyone who listened.

If you haven't already, we have merch. Go to store.distractablepodcast.com. Hopefully I said that correctly. You can get shirts and stuff. I don't know. We also have our own individual channels where we post stuff. You can find Bob at MySkirm, Mark at Markiplier. I'm Wade, Minion777 or LordMinion777.

Thank you guys for listening. We'll see you next time for whatever Mark decides to do. And until then, podcast out. The X-Mansion was never the same since Cyclops was dug, the laser eyeball guy. His authority eroded. He neglected the new recruitment roster. So when the explosive Pooper and Sonic Erection Boy took to the field against Magneto,

he knew they would never adhere to the Comics Code again. Until next week on Distractible.