Distractible - We Are All Going To Die

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

Birds falling from the sky, climate change, solar flares, Jeff Bezos... What will be humanity's ultimate demise? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production with your hosts, Wealthy Wade, Magisterial Mark, and Bantam Bob. This week, the Tunturning Cherubs chat about the lessons of longevity, or the lack thereof. A tears-in-rain realization, yes. It's time for We Are All Going to Die. Please put thy affairs in order order and enjoy the show hello and welcome to the distractible podcast I am your host Mark Markiplier fishbach here to judge the stories with my co-hosts Bob and Wade how are you guys doing today good good feeling good good good are you gonna feel good when I tell you we're all going to die? Less good.

I love it. Yeah, let's go, man. Get there. Do you want any small talk before we get into this? Well, death's inevitable, so what's the point, Mark? I know, right? No, shut up. I wanted you to hear something.

I'm going to play something for you. And for you at home... I turned around. Shut your whore mouth. You know, sometimes I feel like you don't take this seriously. Duh. Sometimes I feel like you're just here to enjoy, have a good time, and you're not here to tackle the hard issues.

You're not here to get to the bottom of the truth, to see into the heart of evil. At the heart of every story. Hey, back off, I'm a reporter. Markiplier is there to report what's real. Look look i'm all for fuel economy but blood just don't work that way no matter how terrifying it may be so how good is bone broth for you this is nightmares of futures past now i want you guys to listen to something

okay if you're listening at home you'll need good headphones to hear it. Are you hearing something? I'm not hearing anything. How good do our headphones need to be? How about this? Oh. Okay. Yep. I'm going to kick off this episode by talking about a phenomenon known as the Windsor Hum. Have you

guys ever heard of this? I tied a Windsor knot once. No, but maybe. It rings some kind of bell, but I'm not specifically remembering it very well. The Windsor Hum is a hum that originated in Windsor, Ontario. And it's a sound that's been heard for years by multiple people. And it's a noise that has been perpetuating this town and plaguing this town and its heard for years by multiple people and it's a noise that has been perpetuating this town and plaguing this town and its inhabitants for years is it a full or a half windsor you guys hate me and i get it you can ignore it you can ignore it i'm going to ignore him i'm going to ignore him the reason the name of this episode is we're all going to die is because there are multiple occurrences across the world of either strange noises weird booms like extravagant displays of light that aren't auroras that

occur throughout the world and are unknown and their sources aren't understood so what i'd like to open up the discussion today is every single possible way that we're gonna die what is plaguing the world what is going on out there and how we all going to meet our untimely end? Humanity is the biggest plague. That's how we're going to end ourselves. I mean, I kind of agree. That's not my answer. That's not my answer.

But humans are pretty bad. Yeah. Point for Wade. He was actually correct. The Windsor Hum, which is, I don't, can you guys not hear this? Right now I'm hearing nothing. I heard like a and then like nothing yeah you're not hearing that nope that is i think the true sound the other one is like a recreation of the sound but this one is the true sound that people actually heard in ontario and it wasn't until the pandemic ended that they discovered the source of the hum was a u.s steel facility because the

canadians were living near the u.s border and they heard a steel facility which had a blast furnace that was going non-stop because that's just what it did it was on a thing called zug island and in the pandemic when everything shut down the steel facility shut down and the blast furnaces finally went quiet and then everyone in the town realized that they weren't actually crazy because the noise went away just like suddenly so this isn't necessarily about dying that would be such a weird experience i know right whole town so that i'm reading descriptions of the windsor hum yeah Yeah. It says for over a decade. Yeah. This has been going on and that there's a low frequency component to it that would rattle windows,

shake houses, that it would sort of come and go. But like, so you're just in your house. You live in Windsor. You're a Windsorian and you're just sitting there enjoying breakfast and suddenly your whole house is just

like your spoon on the table is just like ting ting tinging a little bit i don't know that'd be so weird like for a decade and everyone in the whole town is like yeah you hear that what is that yeah what the hell i feel like i'm insane and then it just stops yeah it's so weird because this is the kind of thing that people were talking about in this town they were talking all the time like oh oh, you're crazy. I don't hear anything. Or like, no, it's nothing. It's nonsense. It's in your head.

People thought that it was just in their head. Yeah. But it was really a steel facility. And like, oh my God, number one, how powerful was this blast furnace that it was able to generate this frequency that shook the earth, like legitimately shook the earth. And I know that we have things that can do stuff like that, like fracking it, like blast stuff underground and like destroys, you know, the base layers of the soil and whatever.

And it's just like terrible to do. But it's like the fact that we can have these like profound effects and who knows what other effects that we have that are unknown just because it's part of the technological process. Like remember when all those birds were just falling out of the sky?

Do you remember that? Yeah, that sort of just happened and then stopped happening i know right birds just freaking fell out of the sky and people were just like oh that's weird and i don't remember ever hearing anything about it and that's weird yeah i don't know man that's the sort of thing so i'm not a big conspiracy theorist i'm open to the idea of like ghosts and supernatural sort of stuff. But like, I'm not huge on like, oh, some mysterious supernatural thing is going to get us or whatever. But like stuff like that where it reads as supernatural, maybe. Like I'm sure some of the people in the town were like, this is a sign.

This is bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no way humans are causing this. We would be able to figure out what it was. It's plaguing an entire city. And we have no idea what this is. And it was just us. But like stuff that reads like that, that's the kind of stuff that will drive people insane.

And that I feel like, like you were saying, like we don't fully understand the consequences necessarily of everything we might do. And technology advancing, you know, people are going to try stuff and something might just blow up the whole earth destabilize the molten core of the earth or you know reverse the magnetic field which is happening on its own anyway or something but like that's the kind of stuff that i believe might start to happen yeah as technology gets crazier and people get more reckless and things get desperate right like you know there are huge weather events happening there are huge parts of our country and other countries around the world living on the coasts especially like ocean coastlines where it's like we you might we might need to retreat a little bit in the next century you know if you live a hundred feet from the ocean that's maybe not a great place

to live as things are changing as temperatures are rising ocean levels are rising like all of these changes so like people are going to get desperate it's going to go from like oh we need to advance technology in a responsible way to like oh we gotta fix this so what do you do and some guy is just like let's drop a nuclear bomb in the bottom of the ocean and it'll make it deeper we'll suck the water back down what do you do if your tub's overflowing you get a bigger tub obviously like i don't know people are idiots even smart people are idiots so that might be the way we go steak just like a series of unfortunate self-extinction activities well yeah our own panic because throughout history every time we've had something that

we can't explain we were like oh it must be something supernatural it's a witch they're a witch not that long ago i favor this is called but you know those like machines they'll use to um they'll go and like remove like little circles of dirt like all over a yard and stuff like that aerators oh yeah yeah yeah like they poked the little holes and they leave little turds all over yeah i remember when i was uh i was young and i went someplace that just had that done and uh i didn't know that was a thing and i was thinking to myself i was like what is wrong with this field to where every animal comes here to take a shit why are there so many turds in this one spot yeah i was like there must be something weird with like the grass or the dirt because every animal seems to come here to shit that's so funny

because i also had the same kind of idea it was just like what in the hell happened here that all of the worms like pushed dirt and dug a hole here i had a different idea of what happened there but both were wrong and it was just like because we didn't know where there was a tool that could just aerate a field like that like and it's weird to think about there's a specialized tool that doesn't just punch a hole in the ground it goes out it's a tiny mini shovel that goes and grabs dirt and pulls it out and plops it on the top like that's weird yeah that's really weird and just like the guy in the blast furnace that's like he has 13 headphones over his ears because the noise is just like gonna explode his head if he actually heard it

he's like oh i can't imagine where that windsor hum comes from fucking idiots over there they're crazy and then he cranks some more steel out okay i have two points one is very unrelated and one is kind of related okay about the aeration thing that's not even the weirdest yard care tool that exists i just want to say this oh yeah what's that there is i forget what it's called there's a thing i've been going down this youtube rabbit hole of lawn care people there's a whole community of lawn mowing people of different varieties there's this thing that like it like rakes up the dead grass that apparently fills your lawn i don't know it's like a weird little knifey spinny thing you run it over your grass and it like pulls up all the dead grass things and then you like mow you know suck it up off

your lawn or rake it up off your lawn or whatever lawn care is weird man well lawns are weird in general i mean the whole principle of a lawn it's a weird phenomenon it's such a strange use of land because when i went over to korea to visit my family everyone in their neighborhood had a garden in their yard their yard was a garden and like the neighbors right across the street from my grandma's house they just grew peppers and they grew so many peppers like they were harvesting them last time i was over there and they just had buckets and buckets and buckets of peppers and i'm like that is so many peppers you're good forever and it's like if everyone just had a garden in their lawn where they do just as much work to maintain the meticulousness of the grass and like the level and the greenery it's like they could just grow vegetables and fruit i remember i had an orange tree and a grapefruit tree at my old house and

we had more oranges and grapefruit than we could ever eat. Like it was so many fruit. And it was just like, man, if I went to the store and I bought all this, it would cost me so much money. And I have so much with two trees that I don't even know what to do with it all. Yeah, it's crazy to think about how we waste our land. Like we just waste the space when we could be making our own food. Food just comes up out of the ground. It doesn't appear at the grocery store.

It comes up out of the ground and it's everywhere. I tried planting some ham, but i didn't get a pig tree you have to actually plant a live baby pig oh okay what about a fetal pig the one you dissect is that no no those are scary you don't want those i'll give you a haunted pig tree pre or post dissection oh i don't know both are bad post dissectionsdissection is way worse. A tree that grows up out of the ground and one day just fruits just pigs head and they're all screaming and squealing at you. Keeping you up at night. Oh, God.

It's like some Harry Potter nightmare shit. Well, there's an explanation. You see, there's a platinum plant just down the road that caused the pig trees to grow. Is there a reference to something? I get you. I see the reference. I see the reference. I don't.

I'm not going to give a point. It's to the steel plant because it's like he's trying to, the Windsor noise and all this stuff. Oh. It was causing. Well, that circles back to my other thing I was going to say. You're welcome. About the Windsor hum.

Windsor hum. I know for the people at Windsor, it must have been maddening. And they were like, what is happening? is this you know 100 at least one dude in charge of that steel factory knew exactly what the fuck was happening i don't know how far windsor was from zug island you know just a hundred percent chance that one of the like middle management or upper management dudes lived in windsor or like one time he went to Windsor for a meeting or something and was there and was like, your windows are rattling, guys. That's weird. And they're like, yeah, it's a hum.

I don't know where it comes from. And he thought about it for a second. He was like, that sounds a lot like our blast furnace. I better not say anything. And he went home. And for years, this one dude was like, ah, we need steel. You can't shut down the steel factory. Just because we're slowly driving an entire town full of humans insane.

I can't do anything about it. You know, that's just how it is. It's just, it's fine. It's fine. They'll be fine. Or like he told someone, he told the boss, he's like, boss, I think our factory is the source of the hum in Windsor. You heard about that, right?

And the owner is like, yeah, I heard about that. And no one else is going to hear about this. Okay. Or we're going to have a problem. I would hate for anything bad to happen to Jessica. So I think you're just going to keep this to yourself. Like, I just, that's like, that has to have happened. There's no way that no person from that plant ever went to windsor or heard about that and didn't piece together like hey we operate a fucking loud plant

that shakes my entire soul every time i'm inside of it i wonder if that's the thing that's shaking the ground in windsor 10 miles away i don't know not even 10 miles away i just looked it up it is one mile away right across the detroit river that's not even far people lived in windsor and worked at the plant god they come home from the plant every day like god this fucking home sounds like my job i can't get away with it my head is still ringing for me at the plant we need better headphones over there there's no shot that someone didn't know that and then someone was just like we need the steel plant god dang yeah no someone had to know and they were just like oh i can't tell anybody it's like just how all the petroleum companies knew about climate change in the 50s

and you know there was like well i can't tell anybody about this or else we'll never be able to do oil again you know we should release some studies showing that babies that breathe in a small amount of gasoline vapors whatever exhaust actually grow up bigger and stronger i'll get people on side they're bigger and stronger the tumors really like increase their height like when their spine expands from the pressure from the teratomas inside them muscle tumors just extra muscles everywhere how do we prove that yeah you know the mutants from fallout yeah they're gonna look like that but you know uh good yeah real good there were a couple good super mutants there was one there might have been two i think there was one that's twice as many that's a hundred percent more yeah you're right you're

right i'm wrong and I'm stupid. Yeah, that's a good point. That's a good point. I won't give you a point for it, but it's a good point. What was the original prompt here? Oh, how are we going to die? Yeah, we're all going to die or death or whatever, you know. Wade, have you had the dream yet that tells you how you're going to die?

Because I've totally had mine. I'm sorry. That's the thing, right? Eventually you have a dream and that's how you die. Dream explains how you're gonna die because i've totally had mine i i'm sorry that's the thing right eventually you have a dream and that's how you die dream explains how you're gonna die i don't die very often in my dreams but i had one a few years ago to where uh what's that convenience store in la ralph's is that the name of it yeah that's a grocery store grocery store grocery so uh i had a dream a few years ago it was a really good dream there was like a group of uh friends uh i don't remember who all was there. You guys might've been there, whatever. I was in California with this group of people

and we met up at like a Ralph's parking lot. And we were just like sitting around chatting and laughing in the parking lot. Like, cause we all hadn't seen each other in a while. And all of a sudden a plane flew overhead and dropped a nuke. And I looked up, saw and like, you heard like the and like everyone started screaming and running.

And I looked up and I just sat down on the on the ground and like crossed my legs and i just like i knew there was no point in running so i just accepted it and like as it hit and exploded i woke up so uh i imagine based on that prophecy i'm going to die in a ralph's parking lot to a nuclear bomb if you avoid la forever that's how you don't die because ralph's aren't where you are you're gonna live forever if you just don't ever go to la again i think that's the answer bro makes sense now why you refuse to move to california a clearly superior state i can end the world by moving to california i think this is all part of a subconscious thing to make him never move to california like this is why he hates us

leaving he's like no no no the nukes you guys coming back we can live happily i come there we all die you listen to hypnosis tapes as you're falling asleep about how bad and evil la is and have dreams about how you die if you go to la it's your own training coming true but anyway yeah mark have you had your death dream i don't know i've had many dreams where i die um like lots and lots of dreams i've dreamt of the moon crashing into the earth don't fuck around with us mark tell us your death dream the one yeah you should know man the one the one death dream man you know i guess i haven't had it yet you know when when does it ordinarily come this is just like something that happens before death that is accurate

you know what way you write check the words right out of my mouth then you're right you're right you're right oh man no no no this thing is too small i don't have my death dream yet i don't know what that is i'm talking about world ending calamities i'm talking about the things that are going to be the bane of our existence much like uh mass coronal ejections are about to fuck us all into last century dude that shit's terrifying dude yeah you guys know what are you talking about coronal mass ejection yeah whatever sun stuff is that that covid vaccination no don't don't no a coronal okay not corona coronal yeah for everyone at home who wants to be permanently paranoid from now on and forever, a coronal mass ejection is a significant release of plasma

accompanying a magnetic field from a solar corona. They often follow solar flares and are normally present during a solar prominence eruption. The plasma is released into the solar wind and can be observed in the coronagraph imagery so basically to boil it down the sun farts and it blasts material from the sun not just light but like intensely heated magnetic material that gets shot out like a stream of water from the sun and it can blast out towards the earth and hit it okay but it's probably fine look at this corona graph and then just the world ends yeah i mean it legitimately this happens so much more frequently than people know the last hit i believe was in the early 1900s and it caused telegraph stations like across the world it's essentially like a global emp right

exactly yeah it has similar impacts so like now everything is digital every satellite in the sky is an electronic yes if a large enough ejection occurred it could essentially disable every piece of electronic you know probably not every single one but most electronics on around and near earth yeah exactly it's not like we need electronics to do everything in our that would probably have an impact it would probably have a profound impact because it would damage satellites electronic transmission lines because you know we just hang them out in the air have you ever thought about that? We just like all of our power is just like strong about in horrible nests of wires. Like I was driving through LA and I just was looking around at all the wires and I'm like,

God, that shit's just everywhere. It's all over the place. Like recently my pool was electrified and this wasn't even because of like the wires were above ground. No, they were below ground, but there was a fuse box that we didn't know was damaged because it was hidden around below it and when we stood on the ground next to the pool and touched the metal railing that was nearby you could feel the electricity flowing through your body and it's just like man that's no good and that's just from like a faulty wire that occurred imagine if like all the wires across the

whatever side of the world got hit at that particular time just like we're flooded with electromagnetisms and like sparked and shorted out and like burst and fuses pops and whole substations exploded and transformers blew i wouldn't get to watch my soaps do you watch soaps wade do you even know what soaps are? Yeah. There's like Dove and... God fucking... Yeah, real quick side tangent. Growing up, my sister was always home before I was. And if I wanted to watch TV, I had to sit and do my homework while she watched her soap operas.

And that's all I got to watch. I got to watch General Hospital while I did my homework. Otherwise, I had to go to's all I got to watch. I had to watch general hospital while I did my homework. Otherwise I had to go like to my room and do my homework. And I have preferred to have at least some TV in the background. That's fantastic. I mean, not fantastic for you, but that is just a fantastic story. I appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you for that. I'll give you a point. I'll give you a point. Okay. So you're, you're looking for theories about how humanity ends. Yeah. Anything like that or anything could could or some badness for humanity the competition that drives us in everything uh politics sports uh just existence toilet paper paper towels all

of that will lead to the infighting where we destroy ourselves and rip each other apart to shreds and then like someone in charge is gonna start slamming the missile buttons and then all of them just let me flying around colliding into each other and the lasers will be like someone trying to play uh galaga whatever the hell that game was called just like they can't hit them all and then we all explode and die you really got about this whole nuke thing i had a dream yeah ralph's is the key ralph's is the key man ralph's is definitely the key now when you were talking about something uh before um before we started recording you want to talk about that because it's not really like a world ending thing, but it kind of makes you lose faith in humanity. I was?

Yeah. Yeah. I don't remember. What was the topic? It was 10 minutes ago. Okay, 25 minutes ago. Yeah, I, well, before, yeah, I got a bad memory. What was it?

What were we talking about? Say a word. I'll remember. Jeff Bezos. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole SpaceX thing. No. What? No. No. i'll remember jeff bezos oh yeah yeah the whole uh spacex thing no no no there was a meme that led me to this uh it was a meme of jeff bezos with a mustache saying hello fao i have concerns

about the spacex launch site and i was looking into that we were like i was just like look reading the replies or whatever it's a reddit thing and um there's a i don't know how this had to do with the world ending but uh i think it was William Shatner was talking to him about like, this is the story you're talking about, right? How's this world ending? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, it's called distractible. Anything.

Make it relate. Well, William Shatner was talking about like, you know, dealing with alcoholism and recovering from that and stuff like that. And like mid conversation, Jeff Bezos just like, Hey, hang on a second. Hey, shut up. Shut up. Hey, bring that champagne over here. And they crack it open and just start celebrating yeah oh my god if anyone's seen this it's kind of nuts just because william shatner is literally talking about the most

profound experience i can imagine it's so emotional it's beautiful it makes you forget about all the problems and then jeff bezos is like i gotta do this and you just see william shatner put his hands in his pockets and turn away god it's like it's like that shit makes me think that oh man does humanity deserve any of this there's just so much like instant me me me me me that people don't even realize what the hell's going like do people even listen to each other when they converse anymore no i don't know man i don't think so especially jeff bezos you think jeff bezos listens to anybody no i think he waits for them to finish talking or gets bored of them talking and it's just like

but here's what i want to talk about yeah exactly 100 i mean it's just like such an egotistical thing to be like i went to space like as if that is like the golden accomplishment of like the reaching everything of like i have so much money i can shoot myself into space and then someone goes along like william shatner like comes along and he's just like able to look at the earth from above and have that overview effect and and that is life-changing like astronauts have always said about having the overview effect it just changes your entire perspective about the world because perspective is important for people and then jeff bezos comes along he's like you want some caviar i got champagne getting my rolls royce let's get out of here. Go to space again next week.

That'll be fun. That'll be great. I mean, I yearn for the day that space travel is so easy that anybody can go there and people can get bored of it. Like, I'm really looking forward to that. But we won't get there unless we're like pushing boundaries, at least. I think that the amount of interaction we can have now with social media, with texting, with all like just so much access, all of like the discords and

Skype to the world and things like that, that we're used to being able to converse via these like quick means as well as, you know, listen to music at the same time or watch a video or play a game or combine. We're so used to all these multitasking things that we're used to giving such a sliver of ourselves to so many different things at once that we're losing focus on giving all of ourselves to one project. And there once that we're losing focus on giving all of ourselves to one project and there are times where we have to you know buckle down and just focus like you know oh i gotta turn paper do so i gotta do nothing about this paper for a bit i gotta make sure i crank it out like i'm not saying we can no longer do that but we're choosing not to a lot

more often and i think that you know you can see it interacting like affecting social interaction like that because who does that who listens to someone talking about like you know something so serious whatever and it's just like alcoholism champagne or you know cutting someone off like that and like looking like a total asshole normally there's more self-awareness than that but i think i mean one the privilege and stuff that that guy lives but uh it's not that uncommon i don't think dude there's no self-awareness i have a completely unrelated tangent story but like i thought of it new zealand council ends contract with wizard after two decades of service as written by eva corlett uh the wizard whose real name is ian brackenbury

chanel 88 had been contracted to christ church city council for the past two decades to promote the city through acts of wizardry and other wizard-like services however he was fired after an appearance on new zealand today where the wizard said he liked to tease women by telling them they were devious and said they use cunning to get men who are thick quote i love women i forgive them all the time i've never struck one yet never strike a woman because they bruise too easily is the first thing and they'll tell the neighbors and their friends and then you're in big trouble and i'm like that is the most contradictory like quote i've ever seen i've never hit one yet but i know exactly what happens when you strike a woman yeah it's just like and

then he got fired and it's just like but this city had paid this guy sixteen thousand dollars a year a total of three hundred and sixty eight thousand dollars to promote the city through wizardry and this guy gets on a show and says that it's just the most completely unaware thing you could possibly say in your life and just the most revealing that you're just a piece of shit but also who hired the guy like what what does it mean to promote a city through wizardry not to overlook the ass holiness of this dude but also what the fuck did you just say in my ears here dude i'm telling you man it's this is legitimately what the quote of the article yeah okay i actually have a twitch stream and a youtube channel i'll actually promote for hundreds of thousands cincinnati if you want me to promote your city through online means i'll

fucking wear a hat and grow my beard out a bit i'll be a wizard that's exactly what this guy was the guy who hired him is guy named mike moore who was the prime minister of new zealand at the time the prime minister and he said quote i am concerned that your wizardry is not at the disposal of the entire nation i suggest therefore that you should urgently consider my suggestion that you become the wizard of new zealand antarctica and relevant offshore areas did he like watch king arthur he's like king arthur had merlin i need a wizard they found lord of the rings down here i need a gandalf in my court there's no vetting his character or past at all because this guy was 88 so he was hired when he was like 65 or something like that no no no you're good you got a wizard hat i like you this quote is so good and also makes me die a little inside they asked him about how he felt

about being fired and he's not very happy about it but his statement about the council was quote it's just they don't like me because they are old boring bureaucrats and everyone likes me and no one likes them it's like a five-year-old you pull you pull aside on the playground and you're like whoa whoa why are you throwing people why are you throwing basketballs at people's head why would you like don't they even let me play with them and it's because they're boring and old and everyone likes me and no one likes them and so i threw the ball i was like what the what no that sounds like something from a five-year-old but being as he's a wizard maybe we just can't interpret the words he's got the childlike wonder of a wizard and also the

childlike speech and language abilities of a child how do you hire a wizard to promote what who are they promoting to the other wizards and witches dude do you know why we know about new zealand right now it's because of the wizard of new zealand obviously the only reason that you're welcome to wherever went to new zealand was because the wizard contacted our touring agents and they're like hey you're right you're right bring them boys down here we'll cast eternal fame and fortune on them now they must have missed us but they were supposed to do that that was the deal they were going to sacrifice a frog a newt i like to imagine that just like the the mayor of the city the mayor of christ church where he was the wizard was just a guy who was really into like kids birthday party magic and so it was the thing where the mayor was like no we need to have a wizard he's my wizard he's the wizard of the city the council's like okay it's like at a meeting

and the mayor is there and the wizard comes up to the the mayor guide it's like oh what's this behind your ear it's a quarter oh you, you can keep that. And the mayor is just like, see, that's why we need a wizard. And the whole rest of the council is like, oh my God, I fucking hate this guy. How is this guy in charge of our city? It's an inauguration party. They've got a big cake and a clown and a wizard.

They're just running around saying what's what entertains them the most. He's like do we need a court jester or do we need a court wizard oh my god why not both tell the one about how you don't strike women again do you ever wonder after seeing uh in game and like really contemplating time and timelines do you ever wonder what the fuck happened to put us on like a timeline that shouldn't exist we talk about 2021 and like oh

how can this happen in 2021 there's a fucking leader of the goddamn world who has a court wizard okay calm down what in the fuckity fuck calm down it's a's a city council. It's a city council. It's a big city. Even if it was a small town in Foxville, North Dakota, I don't care. How? Dude, it was the 90s? 23 years ago? Yeah, it was the 90s.

Oh, thank God. Man, what a prehistoric time the 90s were. The 90s was a different era. Things happened crazy in the 90s we didn't have things to worry about it's all good it's all good so in like 2050 we're gonna look back like oh it was it was the 2020s man they didn't even that did they even have toothbrushes back then fucking 2020 years yeah yeah if there is a 2050 all right i guess i'm curious wade so this you find comical and ridiculous how do you feel about japanese town

mascots i don't know if you know this trend no there is a trend i don't know if it's exclusively in japan and i know about this mainly from john oliver because he did a piece on this and also made a john oliver town mascot thing but there's this trend where a lot of towns around japan invent like you know how like the olympics has like a mascot and it's like you know sometimes it's horrifying or like college teams like the uc bearcat and stuff like that sure okay japanese towns for advertising and like tourism purposes are inventing mascots and they're big they're becoming sort of famous they're kind of like the domo guy don't domo coon or whatever the you know nom nom nom guy yeah but like do you think that that is stupid i guess is the point of this the mascots and the wizard is the point of it just like a big public

spectacle to like i don't know distract from the shitty stuff the leaders are doing it's like look at our dancing boy over here he's dancing look at him be happy yay cheer we got a mascot we got a wizard i think mark said this but if he didn't the point of the wizard was to quote promote the city through acts of wizardry and other wizard-like services he's he's an advertisement that sounds like the way it was worded it sounds like the fucking leader actually believed that he was going to go cast a spell and promote. Is he just going to go on TV?

Is it just like the car salesman who's like, ah, I've got a Santa hat on there. But, you know, come buy my used cars because I'm actually Santa. Like, is it just a bullshit marketing scheme? Or is there like this prime minister actually believed that this dude's going to cast a spell and help him lead better? I'm pretty sure it probably started as just a gimmick. I think it's a marketing gimmick. But I have such little faith in humanity that even if things like that have like an innocent

beginning like oh it's just a wizard but also someone's gonna be like i fucking respect the magic and power of the wizard of new zealand and if anyone besmirches his name i will shoot them in the face that's an actual audio recording of the drunken prime minister at a party i fucking respect you and your magic and i could not sign bills into law if it weren't for you i mean is that how rasputin got his start like isn't that kind of the story of how it was like whatever the the the who was the princess that like had him as an advisor and he just kind of like yes i have powers and i can make sure that you're good and and people believe it and that's probably how like back in the day when wizards were if when wizards if there were wizarding type things and people that were like yes i'm magic and i can make things

happen like that's how it gets started like someone's like oh shit oh shit a wizard i can have my own wizard in my court like it's kind of like i feel like it goes hand in hand right yeah i guess yeah i can see that yeah anyway off topic get back to the point at hand how are we all going to die well that wizard is gonna hear our podcast he's gonna cast a spell to kill us end all the humanity you think he's a distractible listener oh absolutely out of pure spite isn't that our audience only old people listen to podcasts i'm pretty sure and it's only a person who is a self-proclaimed wizard would possibly have any interest in half the shit we talk about yeah exactly they're like writing down they're like oh that sounds like a good spell teratomas nowis got it permis pleases i'm surprised that your nuke dream hasn't like morphed into clowns parachuting down while you're

in a ralph's parking lot you're just like oh god no look i peaked early on this podcast i can't go back to the parachuting clowns i'll never live up to the hype that i started uh yeah you just made two callbacks and you're like no no no not the clowns like you shut your faces teratoma and herms no i don't deserve my own clown reference it was so good all right calm down it wasn't that good i think it's pretty highly of their ideas yeah pretty much i just looked into some tea leaves and it told me i will never be as good as i was during my parachuting clowns moment yeah anyway humanity is going to end in a whimper with the world leaders telling everyone that everything is okay and most of the population starving to death and then the remaining ones the rich people who do have food and money basically killing each other for the

remaining food and whatever resources they're fighting over until there's you know like one cadre left and they're out of everything and they just die whimpering in their big palatial mansion okay well that's a pessimistic way we're going to die. What about an optimistic way? Make it happier. Optimistic way? Yeah, give me a half. I want to laugh when I die. Come on. All right.

The end of the world is actually going to be when the Martians from Mars attack show up and everyone thinks it's like a weird, they're redoing the movie or something, or it's like a marketing thing and they're just going to kill everyone. And everyone's going to be so entranced and think it's so funny because they're all bad and then everyone's gonna have a great time until humanity is uh completely eliminated but we're all gonna die smiling change um humanity is going to realize that we forgot our cell phone at home and uh we should have aired up the tires in the car and we're going to take that one corner that we always take a little too fast even faster because we want to get back because our

phone is probably full of great messages and tweets we've missed and uh and the the front it's a it's a right turn we're going around and the front left tire is just really low and it's old and it's dry rotted and it just goes out and humanity slams into the guardrail and flies down the side of this mountain and we die hanging upside down in our car wondering if there's a missed text from that girl that we're into waiting for us on our cell phone i don't know if this is all of humanity in their own cars at the same time or all of humanity in one collectively yes and also no i picture one car like a doyle's rule like just humanity rules going back and just going off the cliffside that's how it ends baby yeah all right

wade give me a happy ending uh enough rich people are going to launch rockets into space that they're going to poke a hole in the atmosphere that can't quite close fast enough and oxygen all the air will be sucked out and we'll all just be suffocated and dead and then after they're done popping their champagne in space they're gonna come back down to find all of us like floating corpses on the planet or for us i guess and they'll just continue living their lives on their rocket ship change make it happier oh uh well they're gonna bring champagne down and they're gonna throw it up into space and go woo go and the champagne's going to rain down and expand because physics and so much champagne will hit the earth that we all drown in our own alcohol dream boat i am impressed that there's enough billionaires in the world that they would throw enough champagne into the sky that it would drown

us collectively i think that's an ambitious and very happy not enough billionaires the billionaires have enough money to have that much champagne. Oh. Yeah, no, the billionaires aren't doing the throwing. They're having their people do that for them. Right, right. They're a court champagne thrower. They're just watching it and enjoying it.

They're court bathers. They're court bathers. Well, yeah, if you're that rich, you don't bathe yourself. Someone else comes and does it for you. Jeff Bezos is sitting in his court in his mansion does he have a throne god does jeff bezos have a throne a throne listening to a row of stand-up comedians all in a row just coming up and they tell a joke that doesn't land he's just like next kill him at some point jeff is just like i stink that's the court bather and everyone has

to awkwardly watch jeff bathos get like a sponge bath yeah and he has no shame whatsoever he stands up and just goes full naked minutes before the court bather is even there he's just standing there naked just like tell a joke comedian yeah come on jerry seinfeld what are you doing i'm old so you're the kind of stand-up comedian i like jerry seinfeld the idea that a billionaire's good time is hiring as many comedians as possible i mean that's what i would do if i was a billionaire come on god oh my god who's not here for stand-up acts am i right what i would do is i would hire pairs of comedians and i would give them a set and i would like i would have them each do the set and you'd have to whoever wins gets to live it's not your material

but you have to make it your own and you can change it but you can't really go off script too far it's just you know it's like a gladiatorial comedy death match. Yeah. Oh man, there should be a comedy death match. You think Joe Rogan's going to toss some people around in there? Or do you think Bill Burr is going to come stabbing? I hope Brian Regan comes in with a submachine gun. I love the idea of a comedian death battle.

Oh, that's beautiful. Someday when I'm a billionaire. Dreams can come true you know wait if you were a billionaire what would you spend your fortune on i'd create a zombie apocalypse okay wow just to see if i could and then i'd create a vaccine and be like here's the vaccine i'd see how many people would be like taking it and i'd be like ah i don't trust you and wouldn't take it i'd laugh at them and i'd put them into a pit and watch them battle other undead. Jesus Christ. All right. So never make Wade a billionaire because this is a horrible experience.

My idea was normal, Wade. What's wrong with you? Yeah, exactly. I would dress them up and like, it won't be like Roman gladiator zombies. And they'd be going against like the gladiator was my thing. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. was my thing come on come on there carlos mencia yeah how dare you i don't get it isn't he the guy who was notorious for stealing jokes i don't know

if it's true or not you get a lot of shit for that i don't know i've never stolen any jokes from him that's true i have no beef carlos i know you listen it's okay buddy your idea was dressing up zombies and different things make them fight to the? I specifically said the word gladiatorial deathmatch. I referenced gladiators and that idea explicitly in my description of my idea. So not the zombies, but the rest of what you were saying. Yeah. It's different enough. I changed up one thing.

You can't copyright at all. You can't have all gladiators. Mark turns to Wade and is like, Wade, what's your idea? I would hire dramatic actors i would give them the same script and i would have them face off in one-on-one gladiator style acting battles that's my idea no it's actors yours was comedy no yeah that was different that was a different idea bob you know wait that was actually a movie a 1996 movie starring uh sean penn oh yeah that's right remember when every

idea we ever had was a movie and no one would let us forget it well actually it was based on a 1946 book first um actually um actually um actually the world was gonna end this way every idea you guys said was from uh different ways people have already actually the world was going to end this way every idea you guys said was from uh different ways people have already thought the world might end because people thought about how the world ends before stupids i think the world is going to end because wade is going to tweet something that is so patently false and infuriating on its face that so many internet people all collectively at the exact moment they read the tweet as it's sent out will um actually so hard that it will cause a reverberation at the exact right pitch that

will resonate the entire earth and shatter it into chunks like one of those chocolate orange balls that breaks up into slices when you have at christmas sometimes everyone has those right oh yeah absolutely 100 take that way you're the end of the world how's that feel i had to be something so i guess at least i'll go down doing what i love most and that's tearing down the entire fucking planet in all of existence wait i'm gonna ask you a question and it's some points of writing on this if there was a button in front of you okay that launched every nuke in the world to cover every square inch of the earth in atomic hellfire would you press it no i wouldn't think too quickly what need to have these zombie apocalypse more of like a slow burn kind of uh tear the world down okay if i launched every nuke

and every nuke went off it would just be we're gone like you know there's not enough suffering and darkness all right okay well thank you for answering, honestly. I'll take that into consideration as I bring this episode to a close. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yes. I hate to say for the record that I don't actually want to cause the world to end. I wouldn't want to cause a zombie apocalypse. But if we were in a zombie apocalypse, do you guys think I would live?

No. I don't think I would live as long as you might but i don't think any of the three of us would last very long in a zombie apocalypse no i think mark might because i think because he's short hard to see okay come on man inducting points i could see him like the final thing he tweets is like hey humanity's last bastion is in markiplierville oklahoma and everyone like flocks there and they go to markiplier town and it's like that um that city he had in minecraft like way back when yeah where everyone's just going around building like thrones and statues and like he totally loses himself becomes like the wharf stash persona and is like leading this like

horrible i think mark would lead the zombie apocalypse monster town thank you i appreciate that no definitely welcome i would have fans that try to rescue me and inadvertently bring the zombie apocalypse straight to my doorstep and uh i don't appreciate that because um like i may i may be able to outrun some zombies here and there you know like but eventually people would kill me for sport i believe it i think you'd be with a group of people you'd be laying low you know sort of skulking around a town trying to gather some supplies and stuff and then uh the zombies that are sort of shambling out in the streets just sort of looking around not paying attention one of them will be peering in the store that you guys are in half aware and they'll see you and they'll just be

like and they'll nudge their buddy and their buddy will be like and all the zombies will just be like whoa it's more that's more and then all the people that you're with will be like oh screw this dude and they will bail on you and you will have to sign autographs and hug zombies until you die thanks man that's that's a good way to look at it, and I think that's very accurate. All right. Thank you very much. Well, I'm bringing this to a close. Thank you guys so much for your stories and suggestions and research about how the world is going to end,

all the things that are going to cross grounds. Oh, we're supposed to look into it? I just talk. Yeah, I know. That's what you usually do. We can tell. Yeah, we can tell. Huh.

Okay. All right. News to me. You remember the whole part about bringing interesting stories to the table no i just wake up and show up we know we know all right anyway but thank you so much for uh listening at home i'm tabulating the points i based them on interesting points and humor and with a uh six points for interesting points and eight points for humor. Bob has a total of 14 points.

And with three interesting points for Wade and then seven points for humor, you have a 10 points, which makes Bob the winner by four glorious points. Congratulations, Bob. All right. You are a fantastic participant. You really swept it it i can tell the effort that you put into this episode and i appreciate it yeah all right bobby would you like to make a glorious speech i want to thank my parents for raising me right i want to thank

the public school system for usurping a lot of the parenting that my parents were supposed to be doing and raising me mediocrely and i want to thank myself for being so fucking funny. Yeah. You're welcome. You're welcome. I'm welcome? No, you're welcome. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Give me my trophy. Do I get to give a loser speech? Not at all. Will, please mute Wade. No, make him sound like he's behind like a pane of glass and he's kind of obscured. He's in the other room. He's in the other room.

Guys, come on. room loser's room yeah the loser's zone hey don't forget about me all right so thank you everybody at home we appreciate you you can find bob at facebook.com slash my skirm that's m-u-y-s-k-e-r-m you can find wade over on his various channels uh Twitch, Minion777. My name is Mark Blair. I've been your host. Next week, it will be Bob hosting the glorious winner. Be sure to subscribe and follow wherever you're listening to this podcast, and that way you can enjoy it every week. We upload new episodes on Mondays. And thank you so much.

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