Distractible - We're NOT Getting Old

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

Bob takes Mark and Wade through a list of strange, unorthodox, and disgusting anti-aging methods to decide if the treatments are worthwhile. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection, free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH- ph balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils so whether you're going for a run or just running late do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't find secret at your nearest walmart or shoppers drug mart today good evening gentle listener and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production. This week, Bob thinks he got caressed by an alien, but he's actually a Kirby.

Wade wishes he could be with aliens, have his brain melted, and butt chugs pills. And Mark wants a huge tool, um, cybernetic extension for his body, but would settle for a placenta each day. Yes, it's time for We're Not Getting Old. Speak for yourself. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome back, listeners, to another glorious episode of your favorite podcast. listeners to another glorious episode of your favorite podcast probably uh this is distractible and i am your host for the day my name is bob joined as ever by my two i never know what to call you i'm gonna call you co-hosts thank you not really co-hosts because i'm the important one today but you're here could be friends you know itchy my friends why am i so itchy all of

us what happened what have what are you okay okay wade's having a problem i get real nervous when we record i guess wade's the itchy one and mark is also here welcome friends thank you hello welcome for me oh man this is off to a weird start welcome for me too look last week we had a really heartfelt episode. It was very genuine and overall weirdly positive and not off-putting. Wasn't that a while ago now? Shh. Shh. Shh. Wait.

Hey, cut that out, Will. Man, I can't keep it straight. Listen. Last week we had an episode I don't remember and i can't tell you anything about uh but that's not important because it was a small talk is the thing you know that's what we start with like we've never done this before hey you guys are weird too you're like i'm the only one doing this yeah you're right together who have never done a podcast episode and we're like let's figure this out yeah i can't believe we spent 50 minutes just warming up, chatting, talking to each other

and then we come into this with this in mind. Me included. I'm not blaming you guys. I've been perfectly fine. This is all on YouTube. Yeah, okay, itch man. Yeah. Mr. Scratchy. I can't help that I have early morning itch. It is afternoon for you, my guy. I don't think you could call it

early morning itch. It's early morning on my schedule that's weird that is weird that also doesn't change what morning is it's fine listen it's distractible there's points it doesn't matter you're all mad about whoever wins unless it's wade it's fine why are they're mad about it mark fair enough morning subjective haven't you ever heard of global morning it's changing we're not even talking about mourning anymore. Global mourning. God.

Yeah. No, isn't that like when the celebrity that's really beloved, you know, dies tragically in this global mourning? Hmm. Oh. That doesn't make sense. Me one day. Hopefully many days from now.

Years even. You'll feel something and mourn the death of a person or? No, people will mourn me. Oh, I wouldn't count on it probably not anyway how was your past week gentlemen past week is good at this point in this moment in time when people are listening to this i have been not sprinting with work for many weeks now and so that has been very therapeutic and relaxing i have been taking my time to make things and enjoy life and all this nonsense i've been doing that too but i

always do not to rub it in god how do we not have any small talk we were literally just talking for 40 minutes we got i have one i was gonna let you guys go first my body left my soul recently or vice versa whichever one leaves the other one happened to me i was listening i was having trouble sleeping one night this week and i was listening to uh i started by listening or watching some youtube videos that were sort of about like physics you know just generally about like one was about dark matter so on but it progressed you know you if you let it play youtube progresses into weird areas it progressed into alien stuff so i got i'm sitting here at like 2 30 in the morning unable to sleep just sort of watching youtube and i start watching this video about alien theories and you know just extraterrestrial stuff not super creepy but that

kind of creeps me out i kind of think like there probably are alien life forms and so i start thinking about it it weirds me out and it's the middle of the night and i'm wearing i'm just in boxers i'm naked walking around my house just wearing boxers what pattern blue stripes blue and gray stripes thank you and while this alien video is playing i'm i reach a point where i'm like i'm kind of tired maybe i could sleep now maybe i'll fall back asleep so i just i go to the bedroom on the way to the bedroom in our house there's like a sliding door that divides one half of the house from the other for reasons i don't understand you're so rich you have a sliding door

in the house yeah i basically have two I don't understand. You're so rich, you have a sliding door in the house? Yeah, I basically have two houses. Wow. And I opened this sliding door to go to like the bedroom area, to go back to the bedrooms. And I'm watching this YouTube video, right? So I'm not paying attention.

I have earbuds in, so I don't hear anything. And right at the moment where something in this video is like, and aliens could inhabit a fourth spatial dimension that humanity might not even be able to perceive they could phase in and out of our reality basically like ghosts like there's something like that where it's like oh you know kind of creepy and uh as i'm opening the sliding door lexi apparently had woken up and was like waiting right on the other side of the sliding door and as they're talking about phasing in and out of our physical dimension, Lexi sprints past my legs and her tail swipes both of my legs.

And then she runs into the darkness behind me of like the other room of the house. So I don't see or hear her because I'm watching my phone. And then that happens. And my whole body is like, aliens! And I'm looking around frantically. And there's nothing there. And I'm like, I know I felt that. And then I'm standing there forantically and there's nothing there and I'm like I know I felt that and then I'm standing there for you know

five seconds and then Lexi comes out of the darkness and it's just like hi why are you awake and I'm like let's go to sleep so that was awesome but honestly for like a couple seconds genuinely

terrifying because I was like the aliens heard they heard that we're learning So that was awesome. But honestly, for like a couple of seconds, genuinely terrifying. I was like, the aliens heard. They heard that we're learning about their dimensions. Oh, man. God, if the aliens could hear everything that's going on in their world. Number one, maybe they have the. OK, let's just for a second posit that there are aliens that are observing us. Right.

Like that's kind of like the common consensus of people that are aliens. Like, oh, we see all these lights in the sky they're watching us okay let's say they are advanced enough to have the computational capacity to like take in all our internet and be like this is pathetic like you know they have the bandwidth to be able to do that what if it's a step further and they can hear our thoughts as we're thinking them they know exactly what we're going on so they know that we're thinking about the aliens that are up there and we're thinking about them and they know exactly the moment when someone actually does get a thought of when there's really a thing and then wouldn't they just evaporate you when when they're getting exposed or something like that the moment if they could do that i mean if

they can read our thoughts i guess that doesn't necessarily imply that they're so technologically advanced that they could just vaporize us but it kind of does yeah yeah i feel like we don't pose a real threat to them is the real thing of it yeah like i just had a vision of like george w bush meeting an alien and on the outside he's like oh yeah it's great it's great to have you here on earth but but the inside his thoughts he's just like i'm gonna nuke these aliens so good and the aliens are standing there like yeah okay okay these guys okay that's adorable that's terrifying like they're not worried about us are they i don't know i don't know i guess depends what if we they're like pacifist aliens what if they're just fans what if they listen to us and they're just like fans they come to meet us

they're the fans of us specifically well of humans but yeah no us three earth is their favorite reality show. Aliens have come to Earth just for Distractible. Oh, God, they bootlegged some Markiplier videos back in the day. I love Five Nights at Freddy's. Oh, wow. They come here, they just make game requests. Like, can you play this version of FNAF?

Mark, I just wanted to ask a question when are you going to play back rooms you realize during the interaction like in your like species how old are you and like i'm an adolescent i'm basically a you know young teen in your light in your relative experience you're like how did you get here in your crazy ass spaceship like that's the equivalent of a bicycle for us that's my space bicycle it has pedals they're pedaling through space little bell yeah but yeah i hope that there's some uh aliens what oh i don't know just i don't know hey he's a lot to hope for aliens don't squash his dream all right that's fair, I guess. Yeah. Well, we've all had interesting weeks then, I see. Absolutely.

I wonder about the whole concept. There was an article that I didn't read fully, but it was not an article. It was actually a research paper that was talking about the idea where the sanctity of the mind actually expands and the consciousness is unique in that it can adapt to whatever like exterior thing about it that's what like learning to do anything to control anything or using tools is not so much learning how to use a tool but making a tool an extension of your body and so like in a way like cybernetic enhancement if i have i have a sharpie in my hand right now and if i'm writing with this i don't so much know how to use this is like it's so subconscious in using it that it's a part of my body and it was a paper that was backing up the idea that the brain can actually expand to different things. And the commonality behind it is everyone who knows how to drive

kind of understands the idea that when you are in the car, you have a general sense of the size and shape, and you kind of embody the car. That's kind of like the idea behind it. You expand to your vehicle. Your consciousness extends into the car. That's of like the the idea behind it you expand to your vehicle your consciousness extends into the car that's why you can drive places and not even be aware of where you are i've done that many times where i'm like i'm focused i'm my eyes are open i'm not tired or anything but i'll just like subconsciously i'll go to where i'm going and my brain will become somewhere completely different and i'll have made lane changes and turns and i don't remember any of it which with the reason i talk about this like because it leads credence to the idea that there can be cybernetic enhancements that extend mental capacity

beyond it and you can put a chip in your brain and eventually probably be able to read people's thoughts maybe not as intrusively as like unintrusively as aliens beaming our thoughts out of our head from space i feel like that would have a lot of microwave or radiation of some kind and would have long-term repercussions but But if there are chips, there is a possibility of expanding the human mind and consciousness. At least theoretically. You must be reading my mind a lot, because man, my brain feels melted all the time. I don't know if you can

feel your brain being melted. I feel like it's kind of like a lack of awareness if your brain is actually melted. So if you're aware of your brain being melted, I think you are okay. Yay. I think he just complimented you, Wade. Yeah. I'll take it your mental capacity is well within uh acceptable parameters it doesn't seem diminished very much at all babe stop anyway just thoughts interesting you know what the name of the paper was or who wrote

it i'd have to look it up i'll get back to you on that one. Bob, were you saying something? I'm sorry. We're taking over this episode here. Two points. I just like the idea that I become the car like I'm Kirby and I get in the car and then the car looks like me and it has my haircut and we drive around together.

I mean, kinda. But then it spits me out. I want to drive a planet. God, what a cool name for a paper. Homuncular flexibility, the human ability to inhabit non-human avatars. Homuncular? Isn't a homunculus a small... It's a legendary item in Diablo 2.

Like a small undersized human or something a homunculus the original definition was this concept that a sperm cell had an entire human inside of it in the very little itty bitty tiny human inside of it and the idea was like they called that a homunculus or something like that it is there are also homunculi in terms of art or this kind of like nebulous concept so yeah so it's more of a different colloquial definition that it's applied to like people yeah i think so unless i'm mistaken and one came before the other maybe the statues did come before the other i could be totally wrong about that that's interesting yeah pre-formationism was a popular theory that animals developed from miniature versions of themselves that i love that that was 1695 the actual statues

came from 14 the late 1400s we've probably committed a lot of murder between us then i got my tissues ready boys that is not the theme of the episode. Oh, shit. Okay. Shut that down right now. I do love that image, though. Thank you. Dude, being a scientist centuries ago must have been so fun. Some guy who comes from a wealthy family because he went to a university or something, went to college, is sitting there and is like, how do humans come from sperms?

Damn, may you strip for me? I need to do some research. Each sperm must have one very, very tiny man in it. Once it gets inside of an egg, then it can grow into a normal-sized man. I mean, if- That must be it! If you're looking at all the evidence of the time

and they don't know what a cell is it kind of makes sense you see a baby that's small it grows into a full human you see that happen and then you see the mother their belly not big then their belly big so you kind of infer like that baby's fucking growing in there you kind of like i could see the leap of logic i'm just saying it would have been fun like i would have been a great scientist all you have to do is have plausible sounding explanations for phenomenon that we don't we don't understand at a very fundamental level that sounds really fun also i can imagine that guy who had who developed that theory in front of a classroom teaching about his theory and he's a jar he's like this is a jar of horse semen he pours it on his hand he's like so many

tiny horses all in the palm of my hand if only we could harness the power of these tiny horses it's like dr octavius from spider-man instead of the power of the sun in the palm of my hand. The power of these horses in the palm of my hand. My hand is currently three dozen horsepower. Who do you think you'd win in a fight against? This adult horse or a million tiny horses in the palm of my hand? Not an easy choice, is it? I just pictured

Dr. Octopus saying all this stuff while holding semen in his hand on his little purple glove. I don't know who Dr. Octopus is, but... You ever saw Spider-Man? Yeah, Spider-Man, Octavius. I didn't think he was called Dr. Octopus. Well, that's his formal you know, formal name.

That's only for graduations. Otto Octavius. I thought it was Doc Ock. Is that actually in the comics? What do you think that stands for? Oh, God, is it Dr. Octopus? They call him Octopus because he's got all the legs. My father's Dr. Octopus.

He called me Doc Ock. Oct doc octavius octopus they call him he becomes a villain he becomes octopus his actual name is octavius i just like for some reason the it like calling anybody octopus it's just like it's a mouthful and it's not the mouthful of what i want so i don't know i i've seen i withdraw the power of these octopi in the palm of my hand. I withdraw. I withdraw from this discussion. I withdraw. You know what, Mark? I'll never call you Octopus.

Thanks. I appreciate that. I make no promises. Alright. Well, you know, guys, we're really sort of rambling. Sort of getting away from the point of what we're here to do. And you know why that is? Why the point of what we're here to do. Oh. And you know why that is?

Why? It's because we're getting older. Oh. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay, I'm with you. But that stops today.

Oh. Okay? We've talked many times, dozens of times even, about how we're getting older on this show. And it's a very funny bit. But I have found a list of ways that we can stave that off stave is that the right word sure stave stave yeah yeah shave it or stave it probably we're not getting any older that's my point i've got a list of solutions for you guys that will prevent you from aging okay anti-aging treatments even you could say okay they're very interesting everyone knows that they sell creams and lotions and serums and injections and stuff that will

prevent you from from getting old those are all just commercial crap those don't work oh you got the real ones these are the real treatments that we need okay i get a point if i guess one i'm sure that you could yeah i'll give you one point if i guess one i'm sure that you could yeah i'll give you one point if you guess one of the one i've always wanted to try virgin blood bathing in it it's i'm not what about baby blood this one doesn't specify virgin blood what god i hope so yeah man will make me sound good. I'm not going to clarify it, but I feel like I have to give Wade a point. Okay.

Thank you. So we'll get to that. But that's sort of maybe a version of this. Anyway, we're not getting any older, guys. It stops now. Okay. Just like how we stopped repeating topics and no one's done that and none of that was embarrassing for me uh we're not getting any older and uh and let's talk about it okay we'll see if you guys are interested in any of these maybe you'll have your own thoughts you're free

to submit ideas but i have a whole i have a whole list okay okay step one to not getting any older to fixing this problem that we all face urine i do pee pee pee everybody pees and everybody pees a whole rainbow if the rainbow only included versions of orange and yellow colors oh you can actually have all kinds of crazy pee depending on if you're on medicines or supplements or if you eat certain foods. Or bleeding. If you're in trouble, it's kind of red, yeah. So it's a whole rainbow. But we're really dealing with what you really want

if you want to stop getting older is the nice, light yellow one. You want it to look like a light beer, you know? Kind of pale yellow. If it's too dark, it's not going to work. If it's a different color, probably not good signs. But real nice, crisp, refreshing of pale yellow. If it's too dark, it's not going to work. It's a different color. Probably not good signs, but real nice, crisp, refreshing, light yellow urine.

That's the ticket, boys. If you're peeing that and flushing it down, you're wasting it. Okay, what do we do with it? What do you mean? Why do you look so shocked? We're fighting off the ravages of time. Look at you, Mark.

You're clearly already using it. Don't fake it. Wait. Yeah, no, you haven't aged clearly already using it. Don't fake it. Wait. Yeah. No, you haven't aged a day. Do you bathe in it? Do you imbibe it? Deer drops?

Do you butt chuck it? What do you do with it? Do you send it back from whence it came? What do you do? Nasal spray it? Yeah, you actually... You eject it back in. You put a catheter in to reuse it.

No, what you want to do is if you have a nice pure sample. Butt chug it! I already said that. No, it's good for your skin. This is good for your skin. Urine has essential nutrients that your body is basically wasting like an idiot. And if you keep it

and rub it on your skin and especially on your facial regions, it can help with skin discoloration. Damn you! And rub it on your skin and especially on your facial regions. It can help with skin discoloration. It can help correct pigmentation issues. And also, it's delightful. It's delightful? Have you tried it?

Can you tell me it's not delightful? You know, I haven't. I feel like this particular entry was written by someone with a particular fetish in mind and i i gotta say i guess an m i'm not really about it because so when you sweat you sweat out some of the same waste products that you do in your not all of it definitely not you don't sweat urine if you're sweating urine that's problem in your sweat is uric acid which is what what is in urine, what gives urine the name. So if there are any benefits from rubbing piss on your face, I doubt there are any more of a benefit than what you would get if you just sweated

and then rubbed your sweat on your face. No, hold on, Mark. I have to counter this. If you're sweating, you're doing something to sweat. Are you pissing hard? You don't have to do much to pee. That's right. You pee all the time.

You can pee casually. We're saving you some work right you're right this is perfect for someone like me i'm a fool well also i just have to say sweat is hard to capture you know you don't necessarily want to be doing a skin treatment while you're doing something that's making you sweat you want to bottle that goodness for later use urine is just sweat that comes out in a nice concentrated stream really yeah it's so much sweat cream we could sell this you're right well you know what that's only that's really only true for guys so maybe maybe men should do a service and bottle their good pee and then give that to women so that women can have an easier source the girls have bad pee well if they don't have like it's a different physical situation you know but it's not it's not chaos no but it's not like a stream

it's not listen i don't know the details i've never done it myself but i've heard never girl peed now once have i ever girl peed no you got me bud my god what happens but you know i'm just saying it would make it simpler plus i'm sure getting someone else's pee is even more beneficial than your own because your body is clearly trying to get rid of whatever's in there, but someone else is going to have, you know, nutrients, minerals, different uric acid, maybe, if that's how that works. You know, it's a whole thing. Yeah, it's got some isomers of it, you know, the chirality is different. What you really want to do is get a pee buddy and then you can swap the buddy system. I just, you know, I hate i hate to disagree bob but is it really

better to bottle it and then rub it over every square inch of your body or pee on each other dude no that's not where i was going with that what you want to do is lay on your back and pee all over yourself so it's as fresh as possible oh my god you could you could give yourself a full urine treatment like a nice fountain uh-huh I've got it even better. I built special underwear that has an atomizer, like a humidifier, so you piss and then it just a mist of piss wherever you go. Oh, urine sauna? Pee sauna! We come full circle! No wonder! Unisana's really like made us eternally young, like we were onto something.

That's why you and Ethan both look look so young the peace on us that's it that's it yeah that truly is the heart of irony you made that experiment to remind everyone that time waits for no one uh and that death comes for us all and yet you used that to defy death itself we are hypocrites i've just been trying to protect it and keep it for myself i've dodged pp like the plague which is why i look like the crypt keeper you've never let anyone pay on you ever what happened to you oh man i've made mistakes yeah well do would we do this gentlemen are we signing up pp triangle we trade i give it to wade wade gives it to mark mark gives it to me if it worked i've already done it so i i'm abstaining for now i i imagine i'll start

reverse aging if i do it anymore well when does it wear off it must end at some point your protection what's the counter p what's the counter what the antipy the yeah if you're if you're reverse aging and you got to turn it back around i, what do we rub to reverse the reversal? Is it poops? It might be poop. I don't know. Might be poop, but... Is poop the opposite of pee?

I don't want to get these images in my head. And I doubt anyone listening wants these. Those both come out like the same end. What comes out the other? An earwax? Snot? Vomit? Spit?

All of those, I guess. You have to have one of each type and mix them together into a solution. You can eat the infinity gauntlet of biological fluids. We are inevitable. Snap. God, man. The power of the bodily fluids in the palm of my hand. Well, this is horrible.

I love this. I crave death. Hey, listen. I was not lying, okay? We're not getting any older, and we're going to do whatever it takes to avoid that. I'm all in. Will I get my hair back? Yes.

Sure. All right, I'll take that. That wave of confidence is all i needed if you buy my miracle cures you'll get all the hair back plus extra bonus hairs yeah in places you didn't even know you could have hair oh like your tongue oh no i was thinking like okay where could this possibly be terrible oh i should yeah i wish I hadn't gone there. Anyway. God, your eyeballs like cornea hair.

Oh, God. Anyway. Young us more. Yeah. Well, for the infinity gauntlet of bodily fluids, Mark definitely gets a point for that one. Because I love it. It's great. Thank you.

But for the vision of hair on your tongue and your eyes, Wade also gets points. Thank you. Oh, God. Let me make a set two points for Wade and one point for Mark. All right. That's fair. That's fair.

That's fair. All the points really came at the very end of that discussion. Well, good job, everybody. So we're all going to pee at each other or something, I guess. That will help. That will really find out. We're making a small section of our fan base very happy today you assume it's small uh the next thing is this is gonna be harder to get okay everybody pees i i've come to understand uh but not everybody

can make breast milk i like where this is going and also breast milk is kind of important to like feed babies or move them from the equation i've been reading the parenting books you know so i'll send them to the aliens as sacrifices we'll just like ship them off why are we what are we getting what what are we babies we're shipping the babies that way we can keep the breast milk for ourselves yeah i missed a step so we're sending the babies away so that we can i don't know if we need to do that yeah i don't know if we need to do that. Yeah, I don't know if we need to do that. How else do we get the breast milk? I just, you know, if there's extra...

I've seen on social media a lady who has gallons of breast milk just stored away because she apparently has a condition called hyperlactosis or hyperlactasia or something where she just makes breast milk excessively at all times regardless of having a baby or not so they're they're you know they're i'm not saying it's impossible to get they're just our sources but specifically you know what this is great for it's great for rubbing on yourself like with the urine but we've already got one for that it's also excellent for drinking it what breast milk drinking does not compute yeah it's great it's great for you okay this does say that it can be

really hit or miss um that ordering milk from other people strangers and and rubbing it on yourself or drinking it may be dangerous can you butt chug breast milk you can butt chug anything yeah that's possibly the best way to get the benefits of it i'm sure possibly yeah probably possibly definitely will you hold the funnel for me well one of us has to yeah one of us is not it that way it has to do it yeah way it has to do it man i gotta funnel my own breast milk into my ass all right so okay breast breast milk right so is this more or less mortifying than urine? Are you guys into this? Are we doing this one? Weirdly less mortifying.

I'm not happy about it. There's something kind of like, oh, God. Because I don't think of it as breast milk. In my mind, it's human milk. I think human milk. And when you think of it as human milk, that weirds me out. If I'm drinking milk, I love milk. I've been drinking milk my whole life.

As far as I know, I'm not lactose intolerant. I enjoy cheese and various dairy products, but the concept of like drinking human milk, even if it was something that I wanted to do for my own health and benefit, I don't know about the general health of the average random human that I'm getting this milk from. I don't even know if it's actually going to be human milk. What if it's skim human milk? I don't know. Skim is disgusting. Skim milk is awful. Okay, 2% human milk. Anything but whole milk is bad.

Whole human milk. There we go. That's what we're talking about. Now we're talking. Good old WHM. Yeah, the most it's going to be, it's going to be pasteurized. Hopefully. Hopefully it's pasteurized. Because I know about that whole thing where there was a big campaign like,

let us drink raw milk. And then when the politicians like, cheers, and they drank raw milk, they were incredibly sick. There's a reason we pasteurize milk. It's not for the lack of like nutrition. It's for health and safety because there are animals of human milk. We're meant to ingest. You don't want to drink human milk from the source. You know, I don't.

You know, I'm not really a fan of warm milk in general i know some people are i like an ice cold glass i didn't know i was gonna sexualize this but here we are where was the sexualizing it now i think it was when he implied that you would drink the milk directly from a woman's breast that's not a look you're just sexualizing breasts in general which is causing a problem that's that's you guys implying that that's sexual in the first place which is on you you're right i was never there i love boobies all right i don't think that's helping i think that's a step in the wrong direction it helped me i feel much i feel younger already uh but what was i saying i give up i i yield my time human milk is a concerning way to put it i will not disagree

with that does it concern you to say like cow milk or goat milk no is that okay because you just accept it at this point because it's normal i've accepted that they're not humans yeah it's no totally yeah listen it is weird to me that we drink milk from other animals but that's a whole other discussion we should transition to human milk and make us younger well it certainly make us a self-sustained species and it has a bunch of health benefits that are probably very real and not at all imagined by someone who just wanted to drink breast milk yeah we're using i guess not reuse if we're reusing urine and we're sustaining ourselves on breast milk that we're already producing if we can just find a way to use poop we're sustaining ourselves on breast milk that we're already producing if we can just find a way to use poop we're we're honestly gonna be fine well just you wait for the rest of this list that problem's really not as much of a problem as you might think i have a growing suspicion

that this is just a fetish list to try to normalize these things in the general population but go ahead if we beat each other with leather whips we we'll be younger. All right. I got to be honest. I think Mark is the only one who really contributed to that one. I didn't really get a chance. He yielded his time, and then we moved on to the end. Yeah, well, do you want to talk or what? Jump in here. I'm not prompting people.

No, no, it's fine. Let's just wrap it up at this point. So are we doing this one, yes or no? Yes. Oh, God, yes. Okay, excellent. That's where I was, too. I'm glad we're on the same page.

A point for Mark for that one. Thank you. And half of a pity point for Wade for me literally not letting him talk. All right, that's fair. That makes me two and a half. I'll take it. Yep. So technically, Mark is at two and Wade is at two and a half.

The lead is shrinking. For now. But still a lead for Wade. This next one, finally, we're moving on to something that doesn't sound as pleasant as human bodily fluids do okay and this one does pose some problems because some people can have an allergy to this one but uh this i think is a very exciting experience on top of being good for your aging go on bee venom take it back according according to sources uh-huh bee venom has strong anti-inflammatory properties which is

not my experience with bee venom yeah but it's said to have strong anti-inflammatory properties that give a youthful look to skin and can help tone and keep skin young looking. Injected? Ingested? Or can we butt chug it? When they sting you, that's what we're talking about, right? The venom. No, we're talking about, yes, the venom that comes out of a bee's stinger is good to make you look youthful. But it's good when you're stung it's really like a

nicholas cage in that movie type situation where they put a cage around your head and then you go not the bees and then they sting you everywhere nicholas is that you yeah that's what he sounds like yeah wow okay but what if you harvest the venom and instead of injecting it like a needle into your skin, you rub it or ingest it? It needs to be subcutaneous. In English? It needs to be injected. Okay.

So you do need to get stung. You do have to get stung. I mean, theoretically, if you could harvest bee venom, maybe you just get a whole hive of bees and grind them into a paste and then strain that out so all you have left is the venom. And then you inject that. But it does have to be like injected okay good all right so we get like but instead of having a whole bunch of bee stings you could have the venom in one syringe and give yourself one nice injection yeah but you have to murder a bunch of bees for that which is honestly just really fucked up i mean i want to do a lot to look young i'm not we never even talked about

the premise of like to be young. You already look young. You don't know what I go through. We have so much time discussing how we're getting older and that's terrifying and embarrassing. Yes. This, I assume we were all on board with this. We are on board with this. You are, Mark.

Yes, you are. I'm on board with this. Majority rule, Mark. Yes, you can, Mark. All right. Okay. All right. majority rule mark hand mark all right okay all right i would not do the bee venom because all of these are pretty unsustantial claims i haven't seen any research about it i haven't seen any

kind of like before after picture haven't you ever heard of faith i'm doing research over here i'm doing i'm doing research on my ass over here take a leap of faith man look i i mean i met but i imagine the before after picture of the bee thing is one guy looks like perfectly normal and then just but he's got a youthful glow like just lumps everywhere but you really gotta wait for the after after picture on this one right we inject it into our anus can we butt chug the bee sting yeah but then you just have a really youthful anus i'll take that what you do is you get a funnel and then you stick a beehive on the other end of the funnel and you get funnel bees into your anus and they see you from the inside out and you can digest the bees with your anus too so then you're getting the nutrients from the bee body and the

beast the anus the digestion center of the body. We all know this to be true. We can just anally chew up the bees and digest them. How much control of your anus do you have, man? A lot when it gets younger. He's got such a youthful anus, it can do anything. After the milk and the urine, it's going to be great. Oh, good. Well, you know what? That does hold because if you have a whole beehive inside of you eventually the youthiness has got to get to the outside you're younger from the

inside out yeah what i'm thinking is like this is just giving evidence that the breast milk and the urine should be injected subcutaneously as well yeah how else can if it's just topical you know not all of it's going to get absorbed you know you need to really get to the source you need some on top of the skin some under that we need to get our organs too do we need to be sting our hearts yeah we need to make like we need to make like uh with the the french thing with the million baklava no that's not french with breast milk that french thing uh uh uh tortellini

blood pudding wait where's france you know what i'm talking about with the layers the layers croissant croissant yeah croissant you know there's a word for the the type of

pastry yeah sure the laminated also is like many layers you know it's made with phyllo dough it's not made with puff pastry it's not about the layers it's just a very different kind of dough mark really about the dough okay can we butt chug the dough yeah yeah okay so you're what how does the chris what oh so the croissant of layers of layers you put the treatments in the layers yeah so you divide your skin into layers you shave it off so if you get open heart surgery you can just like peel you open get some bees to sting your heart pour in the urine in the breast milk and your heart will be in great shape. Exactly, yes.

This is it. And that'll circulate it throughout your body. Yeah, no, I see what you're getting at there. I just feel like I have to say I don't want to eat that croissant. The bee venom breast milk urine croissant. I don't know if I want that. Yeah, you just got to heart chug it, you know? Go past the butt. You got to heart chug your bees.

Get the catheter of bee stings. Just a bunch of bros at a frat in college and one guy's like, dude, have you heard of heart chugging? You really want to feel the effects of some gold slog? You gotta heart chug it

here's a scalpel some rubbing alcohol chug me chug me i love this episode bob what a great idea i yeah i can't believe i feel younger just from talking about these things i feel way younger and that's Good. And that really went places. I thought Wade was going to get the only point for anal chewing, but then Mark invented a whole new way to get drunk and or young, and Mark gets a point for heart chugging. Unbelievable.

We're getting yunk over here. He's been yunk. Dude, you guys want to heart chug some yunk bombs? It's a whole glass of Jager with breast milk, bee venom, urine shots, and you drop it in, and then you heart-chuck the shit out of it. There are so many applications.

You don't need to smoke anymore. You can inject directly into the lungs. Yeah, lungs. At the beginning of this episode, we're going to need a disclaimer that's like, none of the things discussed in this episode are actually healthy. Please do not attempt heart-chugging or lung chugging god i shouldn't say

wait what shouldn't you whisper it so no one can hear who is going to heart chug and then i went like god what if someone just does what if that actually happens someone heart please nobody do any of the things we've said please unless you're please. Unless you're a baby and you're being breastfed, then you should drink your mom's milk. Don't heart chug babies. What are you talking about? No, I'm saying babies should drink breast milk if they're being breastfed. Oh, okay.

To all of our baby listeners. It'd be so easy for a baby to heart chug, man. To all the one-year-olds out there listening to the podcast. Somewhere out there, there's a one-year-old holding up a bottle of liquor and a scalpel who's like, oh, I won't, I won't. They said not to,

so I won't. That's a smart and dumb baby. That's really incredible. A one-year-old who can talk. Genius. Who wants a heart chug. Oh. who can talk. Genius. Who wants a heart chug. Oh, that's confusing. Yeah.

This next one, you might also want a heart chug, but it might be a little chunky. You might need to blend it up. I don't know. Cook it. Is that a chunky chug? Is it poop? Is it poop?

No. You could definitely heart chug regular poop. Well, you know what? You can't know is that a chunk a chunky chug is it poop is it poop no no you could definitely heart chug regular poop well you know you can't heart chug is sheep placenta shape sheep sheep placenta like got it yes the place where wool comes from is that comes from the placenta is that available do you know how many sheep there are just in new zealand alone i don't five thousand hundred thousand five million there's some amount i don't either i was hoping one of you really would here wait let me look up how many sheep in news wow that it auto completes to how to in new zealand if you ask how many sheep it does there are 26 million sheep in new zealand over a billion sheep in the world how does that tiny little place have 26 million of anything

how many people are there like seven or eight billion in the world eight billion we just crossed eight recently so we need eight person to a sheep there's only 5.1 million people in new zealand got a lot of sheep, we don't care about New Zealand. We're in America. We need to worry about us. I don't agree. They've got their sheep. We've got to get ours.

That means there's five sheep per person in New Zealand. Oh, there's only one sheep per eight people in the world. So I guess, yeah, that's a lot of extra placenta if every time there's a sheep born unless there's like... You think they're sheepless in Seattle? I can't imagine how they wouldn't have sheep in Seattle. No, I think you're right. I think you're dead right on that one. What a timely reference that all of our audience will get. Will puts in like a little boomer disclaimer like,

Sleepless in Seattle was a movie in the late 90s starring, I don't remember, and another person. Okay, so the idea of like eating placenta kind of i know is a thing where some weirdos when their babies born well maybe i shouldn't say weirdos i don't want to like no it's weird yeah freaks they cook and eat the placenta afterwards as like either a ceremonial thing or like it's got health benefits like oh yeah but i don't know if I want that. Cook and eat's a lot less worse. I thought they were going to say like the baby comes out and they just like dive in and start nomming on the raw placenta.

I do. I think raw eating at raw is also maybe a thing, but less that seems less palatable. Yeah. Even if you wanted to do that, I feel like if I had a firmly held belief that that was beneficial and important for whatever reason. Yeah. That seems like it would be tough to do. Can iv drip it into yourself it's not liquid it's a thing can we butt chug the placenta yeah i don't know only if you can anus chew it up so that you can anus digest

it well you could put it like a blender first and then it could be like more liquidy before you butt chug it i'm sad now i look i hate everything that's happening right now okay but the the thing is like we as whenever we're thinking of like eating things we as a species currently in society kind of have this hesitancy to eat anything that is outside of the normal just meat the muscle of animals those that do they're obviously vegetarians and vegans. But that's kind of not how things should work in nature, because when animals eat other animals, they eat the entire animal, right? That's true. So the idea of eating livers, lungs, heart, all these other organs,

there's different nutrient profiles in all these different organs. And I get the idea that like a placenta would probably have all of it or a wide spectrum because it's needed to sustain a full development of an entire creature so essentially the placenta is the funnel with which all the other it's it's the heart chug of the of all the nutrients for the baby to go directly in the bloodstream and that actually is how it works that is the we all started heart chugging in the womb my god uh but it's just like why would you go for the placenta first versus like the liver or the kidneys or the heart or something like that well it's it's such a it's such a rare delicacy you know it's one of those

where there's there's not always placenta to be had i actually don't know if that's true because if if a sheep has i don't have one right now if a sheep has an average of more than one lamb in its lifetime there would be more placenta than it has organs right so it's not as rare as the other half the sheep species will never have a placenta oh you're right yeah but it's not too far off i guess a rare delicacy but it's just like what we need is we need to rick moranis this shit shrink ourselves and then go into the sheep and we have like a lifetime supply of placenta because we're tiny i feel like we're skipping over an important part of this which is also that you can't just harvest the placenta at any time. What do you mean? Or like eat part.

It's a less worth slaughtering sheep fetuses inside of them in order just to get the placenta, which I'm going to guess there are some moral as well as just a general, you know, humane moral theories issues with. Yeah, well, sure. It depends what your morality is based around and how you feel about, but I think a lot of people would agree. That's not good to do. That's why we shrink ourselves and we just share the placenta.

Our morals shrink with us. Our big morals here, tiny morals down there. Almost no morals at all. Yeah, less moral, the smaller you are. Immeasurably small morals.

That's why small men are always the conquerors, because they've got less morals. You're right. Mark, you better be careful. You're on the brink. We're lucky on this one. We don't have to get too deep into the arguments around the morality of all of this, because this one has already been capitalized. Ooh. Oh. Monet monetized i don't know

cell labs will will sell you the revitalizing capsule which is 30 000 milligrams of fresh sheep placenta all condensed down into one i'm sure way bigger than you'd want it to be capsule that you just you know ingest can i ask a question yes other than that one that's not a question can you butt chug the pill i mean it's almost made for butt chugging you really wouldn't have to even chug it at all you could probably just you know suppository it probably would go right right in there if you wanted it to excellent how much does one of these pills cost i'm asking for a friend it's under a hundred dollars but i don't have the exact number

it's 30 000 milligrams oh that's pretty cheap they'll stay young forever a normal dose of of of like ibuprofen is like 400 milligrams 30 000 is a lot how often do you need to take it once a day once a month once a life according to the manufacturer it lasts about a month the benefits will last a month for a more eternal life yeah basically becoming unkillable a youthful never aging being who will live for eternity 100 bucks a month not that bad seems worth it all i do is butt chug a pill and spend 100 bucks a month. I feel like the majority of these things are just boiled down to a lack of general nutrition in most people's diets. And they're finding that like, Oh, if you eat diverse foods, you get more nutrition. Your body is actually able to repair.

Like I was talking about this before with, I don't know if it was you guys or someone else, but it was like the concept of this carnivore diet that a lot of people are getting into now. And then everyone's like, Oh, the health benefits. Oh, like I feel stronger and my skin's glowing and I sleep better. It's like, I don't think you were getting enough protein in your general diet. You know, I don't think you were getting what you needed every day. Cause I don't think most people get enough protein. And this concept of just like, wow, I feel better. It's like, cause you were lacking a lot of different things. I don't think that there's a magical ingredient in placenta that is going to give you eternal life.

But I do think that if you want to max out your life, you should be getting a complete nutritional profile every day. I think that's a basis. If that comes from placenta, sure. But there ain't no magic in it. Eat placenta. Markiplier 2022. Got it.

Coming soon. Distract-a-centa. It's only $ 150 a month and you'll get all the pills you need to be as youthful as a as a wee babe what about we need to rebring placentable oh that's good that's good it's not good it's like edible distractible and placenta all in one it's not good but is it bad i don't think so i don't think so if i feel i feel like we we kind of skip well i just feel like i know you guys said we talked about basically what why do you guys want to be youthful forever because we're getting older mark and it's scary people will stop asking me why i look so much older they're like why do mark and

bob hang out with this old guy you don't know what it's like to be the old guy and i'm only a couple months yeah no i i know buddy it's okay if all it takes is some urine placenta bee stings and milk i'm all in human milk human milk yeah you gotta say it right that's fine it's less scary than like i don't know possum milk or something well i mean okay so in actual practical things the developments in terms of like anti-aging as far as i know there are very few things that actually cause a reversal of aging like the the extreme edge cases in terms of research are probably very very tiny things there was like some mouse article i can't remember a while back that said like they artificially aged mice or they had aged mice and then they did something to them their like

hair grew back and like it grew like darker and they were stronger and something like that there was some tangible effects of anti-aging but all of that is so niche and specialized it's one of the things where i want everyone to know that there is no magic bullet to anti-aging, but that doesn't mean that someday they won't be like, but it's, it's going to be a while. I wouldn't count on it being now there are benefits that you could do to taking care of yourself and your skin and getting exercise, being healthy in general before everyone goes heart chugging placenta. I just want everyone to know that there's a lot of people that want to make money on anti-aging things and it's almost always a scam it's almost always a scam yeah i know and what mark what mark is saying is definitely

true except for placentable make sure you check out yes we have the cure for you ours works go to store.placentable.com oh man do you guys want to live forever is that actually a thing oh no not live forever but at least look young and feel good until i die i kind of would want that but it's more like i would want to be able to see the future having to actually live through all of that in order to get there doesn't seem worth it for me but i'm super curious about the future in a lot of ways personal and non-personal things just to like see what happens you know but actually living that i don't know i don't think i want to live forever that sounds awful no i i do kind of i a lot of people like you know they're scared

of the concept of death i've never really been bothered by, I know as I, if I approach closer, like I, I've would probably have different feelings, but for right now, like I've always been of the mind, like, I don't want to live forever. I want, I want to know that there is an end because that it's very motivating for me to work and live my life as best I can, knowing that there is some end. I'm not playing for any reward or anything like that. I just like, I kind of like the idea that you pass on and that you pass things on to the next generation. I think a lot of problems in today's society are come from this idea that like, I'm going to only live for me and not for those that come next. And like that, that lack of foresight for the next generation that's to come leads to a lot of problems where you steal from the future and give to the present. That's why

if you look into like huge things about debt and credit, it's all about like borrowing from the future so that you can have prosperity now, but it's, you know, you got to pay for it. Eventually you're, you're like falling down a staircase. If you just keep running faster and faster, but eventually you just make the impact at the bottom harder. But when it comes to this science, there's no stopping the science. There are enough people out there that want to not age and want to live forever that the science will rampage on. And whether or not I personally feel one way or another won't matter because it'll be out there and accessible. And then when genetic therapies are able to target a person specific like telomeres or whatever it is for anti-aging and is able to reverse anti-aging, put you in your prime again, like people will do that. People will pay for it.

And then we'll enter an age where there's kind of like transhumanism as as a whole because if you can if you can genetically edit like your own aging you can pretty much genetically edit anything about yourself to give you whatever you want and then like what's even the point of being in a biological body in the first place maybe we'll have like the option to transfer into like cybernetic bodies or something like that this is all very futuristic but you know it could happen we don't know where the direction of uh it could be brains and vats right now we are brains and vats very complicated vets inject my vat with some bee venom yeah well i do want to say there were a couple other things and one of which had to do with blood injections yes so i implied that you were correct in guessing wade and and even if we might

not talk about that good job thank you i will take that was a very nice button mark that was a very interesting discussion of much more complicated implications and complicated science than I thought we would even get into with this really simple and kind of dumb topic. But yeah, you know what? That's worth a point. Good job, buddy. I'll help you butt chug your points later if you want. I'll hold the phone.

Thanks. Keep me young. That's what placentable is here for. That is interesting, though, because what you laid out kind of, at least if you choose to to see it the way i do leads to the idea that all of this effort in doing these crazy treatments with questionable underpinnings in terms of actual efficacy is basically a lot of effort to maintain our very complicated brain vats which is interesting i never thought of it that way it's our brains we need to keep young i would definitely agree that your brain is probably your most important asset in terms of your entire life and existence but you know so so mark had an opportunity to make a really great

button wade do you have any grandiose statements or philosophical quandaries that you want to offer up to wrap up such a frivolous topic and Yeah, don't do any of the shit that we said, please. We can't afford a lawsuit. We need to afford our butt-chugging methods. Thank you. What? Okay. Button.

Press. Beep. There you go. I pushed my button. Mark pushed his. And it's perfectly tied, like all things should be. Definitely Mark is ahead. Oh, well, it's just like the last eight years of this show i am gonna give wade half a point for making an effort and

giving an important disclaimer that uh although everything we talked about is in some form actually a real practice that someone somewhere has tried or is actively doing like the placenta pills don't try them yourself important disclaimer good half a point wade don't heart chug unfortunately that leaves you tied and the current only point that i haven't really given out is a half of a pity point to wade i get pity we're looking so much older than us okay oh all right i'm so no no it's but this is a nice thing i'm doing a nice thing yeah please have a point to wade for being so uh uh desperate to try all of these these wild out there things now that sounds mean too is that less mean or more mean would you rather look so

old or be so desperate uh no this is half of a point goes to wade holy shit oh my god oh my god oh wow i wish that everyone could see this let me just tell you that it's worth half of one distractor point man you gotta brush the hair on that wig or something this thing's full of dust and i feel it settling on my head for putting a wig on literally putting a wig on and and doing and having a cigar way to get to half a point which means i think if i did my math correctly wade wins congratulations is that true wade wins i think i don't know you're keeping track of the points i don't even see him this never happens on this show i'm not gonna double check my math i'm just gonna say no i agree don't know. You're keeping track of the points. I don't even see them. This never happens on this show. I'm not going to double check my math.

I'm just going to say... No, I agree. Don't. Wade wins. Do you want to try and lose any points or anything, you weirdo? No. God, no. I'd forgotten what it felt like. It's been so long. I feel like I'm a win virgin. It's been so long. You know what's funny is it hasn't, but that's fine.

Oh. Well, it feels like it has. I'm hosting this because you chose me as the winner of the last episode that you hosted. That feels so long ago. Yeah, well... That was one not win ago. That's fair. Yeah, so anyway, sorry

Mark. That's alright. I'm not. I really liked your very impassioned speech about science and humanity and the future of what humanity even is oh wait sad yeah you have an only fans you look young you've got hair you've got everything i want and only fans is one of the things i want most you know that and i can't make one they banned me for being bald. Here's a question, Wade. What's your daily routine to take care of your skin and general health? I'm supposed to do that?

I thought we were filthy rich and we had people do that for us. Ah, interesting. Oh, we do have all that. I've been trying to find that butt wiper that we had many episodes ago to someone to come wipe for me, and that's hard to find. Yeah, has that started yet? No. Has that kicked in? Now I've got to find someone to butt ch that we had many episodes ago to someone to come wipe for me, and that's hard to find. Yeah, has that started yet? No. Has that kicked in?

Now I've got to find someone to butt chug for me. I want the benefits. They have to do the work, but I want the benefits. Fair enough. I mean, I could write you up like a skincare routine or something. Are you going to do it for me? No. Come rub me.

I don't think. You're not the judge yet. You can't dictate that. Two points if you rub me. Mark, you must go rub Wade. Oh, God, yes. Judge. At least once every three days, you are responsible

for rubbing the Wade. That's fair, that's fair, that's fair. It doesn't have to be piss or, I guess, all of it. We're going to make a cocktail. You could make it. What are you cheaping out over here for? I'm going to have a youth bartender to mix some cocktails up. We're going to have Long Island milk stings and all kinds of stuff.

A youth sommelier. Like to really give you the idea of where the piss came from. All right. That was good. All right. Well, I hate a lot of what we just talked about, but at least we all know how to keep it young now. Winner speech, Wade?

Oh, I forgot. I get to do that. Yeah. For the love of God, don't do any of the things we said. know how to keep it young now. Winner speech, Wade? Oh, I forgot. I get to do that. Uh, yeah. For the love of God, don't do any of the things we said. Uh, that being said, spay and neuter your pets. Shit, I wasn't prepared. Well, how do you spay and neuter something? Is that a different type of procedure? Uh,

with a baguette. Hmm. I'll allow it. Thank you. Mark? Loser speech? Uh, the future is coming at us hot and heavy. Be ready for it. We all grow older someday until the day that we all don't, and that'll be a weird day definitely for sure. But don't waste your money on things that probably don't work.

You can get urine for free. That's true. You don't have to buy that. Everybody's got what they need to stay nice and youthful. But don't do it. Wade could not be more right. Please don't do it i wade could not be more right please don't yeah probably horrible things that could happen anyway uh great episode considering that i brought a thing that barely even counts as a topic of discussion you all

really made that quite enjoyable that's what we're here for yeah i needed hope you gave it to me bob thank you it was an excellent group effort and and I appreciate you. And I appreciate you, listeners. I pointed at you mentally. Metaphorically, I pointed at you, but not physically, and you couldn't see it anyway. I appreciate you, listeners out there listening. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of Distractible. Make sure that you follow Distractible on wherever you're listening right now, probably. It's a podcast, so you're probably listening on the podcast thing.

Click the plus button, or the bell or whatever it always comes out on monday but somehow people still forget that so make sure you follow you'll never miss an episode make sure you check out mark at mark plier on social media youtube places uh wade lord minion 777 and or minion 777 that one's on twitch specifically and And check my stuff out. All you have to Google is FriendOfMarkBob and I will come up. Also, make sure you check out store.distractablepodcast.com I'm still

not 100% sure that's the correct link, but there's a store. There's some cool merch. If not, someone else is making a killing. Yeah, I know. And if there's not what you want, just go to Redbubble. They have all the merch for all of your favorite shows, and none of it's licensed. Some of it, maybe. But anyway, thank you so much for listening.

That's going to be the end of the episode. Stay young, but not in the way that we suggested during today's episode. Podcast out. The clinic guards locked the doors, checking each one again and again. guards locked the doors, checking each one again and again. Their hands would hover over their sidearms whenever they were near the windows or entry points, all new of the danger that stalked the night, forever searching for a way in. A vampire of sorts, but it always, always went for the placenta.

They called it the Iplia, for it was known to shout it when it had broken in, bloody bored and cackling. It would scream its unholy victory cry, Mark the Iplia and his butt-chugging miscreant minions. We are immortal. And so did they mark him.

And so did they fear him. Sorry, shut up. Gotcha.