Distractible - Whimsical Headlines

Episode Date: June 30, 2023

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Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable. This week, the gents are in fine fettle as they discuss master baiters. Bob discovers a dealer fighting authoritarian rectal inspections via buttock clenching. Mark gets shocked by dire TikToks and a disgusting doctor who dies in an aeronautic handjob. Wade fixates on seeing iners and avoiding Canadian super swine.

From dead alien pilots to bad smiles. Yes. It's time for Whimsical Headlines. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hey everybody! Welcome back to another episode of

Distractible. I'm this week's host Wade, because why? I dominated last week, crushed the competition aka Mark, and now I am here leading the way. If you've never been here before, there's a show where one of us hosts, the other two compete compete for points whoever has the most points at the end gets to host the next episode and the host can kind of do whatever they want assign points how they want whatever whatever and as always i'm joined by my co-hosts my competitors my underlings

mark and bob i just want to say as the host last week i feel like i i very well could have been your competition and i graciously just allowed you to win, even though I could have just chosen to make myself the winner. So you're boasting a lot, but I really think everything you achieved is on my shoulders. Look, what happened happened. We're here now, and this is my Mount Everest, and you guys are my climbers. Climb me. That didn't come out.

How are you? Good. We're doomed oh great tell us why yeah okay okay cool cool yeah oh everything we know and loved has been turned upside down oh yeah you okay that's it oh okay no it! Oh, I thought you had something to tell us, or there was some breaking news. Incredible news breaking three weeks ago at this point, which may mean that the world has ended. Considering that this is a message, much like Wade's message to Molly, oh, so many years ago, we're sending this out from the past to the future and we don't know what the future is but when you're listening to this you do know what the future is because it's the present to us it was the future and now we're talking in the past ufos are real

that's not news everybody knows that come on go on tell me more intelligence officials say us has retrieved craft of non-human origin i'm gonna put on my chapstick for this one go on go on i can't believe you didn't just put the cigar in your mouth i would have bet fifty thousand dollars that was gonna be a cigar you would have lost you would have lost so they recovered a actual non-earth ufo that's what you're saying they're saying well what this is saying that they're saying is that this hasn't happened recently this is a whistleblower who has been saying that apparently a high-level military intelligence official with direct experience working and heading uap investigation for the department

of defense's whistleblowed that he has direct knowledge has reviewed official military documentation of recovery programs, some successful of non-human made craft. These claims are being backed up by additional intelligence officials corroborating his claims both on and off the record. He has also testified to Congress under oath for 11 hours. So just 11 hours of aliens, man. They're real. Look at this photo.

You see this dot? What is it, man? Congress members just being like, now on June 1st, 2017, you sent an email to, and the subject of that email, you recall and the guy's just like aliens are you listening to me they're here they're already here then there's that one guy that was interviewing zuckerberg who's sitting there like do you think mark zuckerberg can get my constituents better internet yet? Aliens! Now, are these aliens

on TikTok? And do they have scans of my face from TikTok? Now here's the interesting thing. He wasn't talking to Congress trying to convince him that there were aliens. He was talking to Congress

testifying that there were not aliens. Okay. So he was the person that was at the forefront of lying about the presence of alien craft that were recovered. He was trying to reassure Congress that it was not true. And now he is coming out and saying as a whistleblower that he was covering up a lie i i found this this is an article from intelligencer so i i don't know if that's trustworthy but this quote he apparently this if it's the same person i think it is he says

well naturally when you recover something that's either uh landed or crashed, sometimes you encounter dead pilots. And believe it or not, as fantastical as that sounds, it's true. It's true. I think he's meaning to imply that they found the dead alien pilot of the UFO, but he literally could not have been less clear about what exactly it means in the quote no no when you recover a craft that has landed or crashed the person inside is often inside it's true it's true i'm just saying people have said that the united states government is definitively in possession of alien corpses. Yes. And let me tell you. No.

And let me tell you. Period. We already knew this. We saw President Pullman walk by them in Independence Day. That's true. You're right. You're right. So I don't know what the hell is going on with this, but

I'm scared. I am afraid. And I do see this. So I don't know what the hell is going on with this, but I'm scared. I am afraid. And I am horny. Because if there's aliens, you better hope they're not sexy. That's all I got to say about that. I mean, even if they're not, it's aliens, you know? Like how? Shoot your shot, really.

I will. I do want to say I Googled this. And there's a bunch of stuff coming up, I think, related to your initial thing. But also the very top thing on Google is like, you know, it looks like the results below are changing really quickly. This topic is new. Sometimes it takes time for reliable sources to publish accurate information. Come back later and see if this is still a true story. So Google's trying to cover it up. Google is in the pocket of the government, and

they're trying to hide the truth from us. Or maybe the other thing that Google said. You good? They're getting me! The horny aliens! Are you sitting backwards in your desk chair right now? Yeah, my back was hurting because this chair has

no back support, and so I'm now front supporting, but even this, it's very uncomfortable. That doesn't seem like a good solution. Can't you just like put a pillow down your lower back or something? I don't have a pillow. You have a boar spear. Yeah. Can't you put a boar spear down your back?

That'll keep it straight. Stab that, stab that boar spear through the seat of your chair into the floor. Oh, okay, got it. Yeah, prop yourself up. Mark, you know how to swallow swords, right? That visual wasn't what I wanted on camera. Look, it's just that's what I visualize when the aliens abduct me, man.

Gulp, gulp, if you know what I mean. Gulp, gulp, gulp. We all know what that means. Look, I was a menace in Mass Effect. I'm going to be a menace in Ass Effect, if you know what I mean. Gulp, gulp, gulp. We all know what that means. Look, I was a menace in Mass Effect. I'm going to be a menace in Ass Effect if you know what I mean. Ha, ha, ha. God, I want a fucking alien.

Come on. 100% of men are lonely. We learned that recently. That's true. That's the math. The math is the math. It's true. When you ask men if they're lonely,

they'll say things and i can tell you that and also i might be scammed in the near future did you buy something from the soldier store i sure did what you do what what happened okay look uh you guys know all about nvme u.2 drives obviously sure obviously so they're pretty expensive so data center ssd storage is you know it's in it's in a state where it's still not quite like affordable so i was looking into like sata ssds because it's older technology but i mean like technically speaking the actual flash storage inside of them is the same as it would be in an nvme but it's the controller itself that is what allows for faster access speeds um so that's the important thing the underlying technology is still the same

but for some reason sata ssds are cheaper than nvme ssds even though they're basically the same the controller is more complex yes but the materials are actually less because the enclosure yada yada anyway so you can get like a SATA SSD at 8 terabytes for about $450. It's been going down. It's still expensive compared to hard drive disks. It's way too expensive. But I just saw this listing on Amazon for NVMe U2 drives at 8 terabytes for $430. $430 per 8 terabyte. And I'm like, that's pretty damn cheap.

That's cheaper than the SATA SSD. So I bought some. And then damn cheap that's cheaper than the SATA SSD so I bought some and then afterwards there's no reviews zero reviews it's just the box of course cause it just came out I'm first in line right you're gonna get a

you're gonna get a box full of 8 terabyte USB flash drives yeah and so I might get scammed out of that but we'll see i'll see also i looked at my search history because i was like i was trying to find him and all i see is asl vagina that's not me looking up porn that's american sign language for vagina if you didn't watch the end of the last episode you don't know this is totally fine mark's got a big crush on asl really trying to see that veg don't say that don't call it that that's not a good name

or vaginas that's an awful name way to go wade always bringing the podcast down i guess it's just it's just so crude you know yeah stop being crude so should we just say inas and just eliminate it from the word vagina to just call them Ina's? Jesus Christ, man. Disrespectful. I just want to see those Ina's. That sounds weird. Someone's in the kitchen with Ina. Someone's in the kitchen with Ina.

Just give me my points and move on. Look, that's a lady's name. Stop. Don't take the Barefoot Contessa's name in vain, okay? The Barefoot Contessa? Yes, there's a woman whose name is Ina Garden, who is a host of a TV show called The Barefoot Contessa, where she lives

in her fabulous Hamptons mansion and buys things from her fabulous Hamptons artisanal shops and then makes really elaborate fancy boozy stuff for her Hamptons friends and it's a TV show, so stop stop that she's a

person all right you guys ever heard of the barefoot contessa no i mean i'm not saying that i'm a fan or i watch it but i'm aware of the show mainly because there's an entire tiktok account dedicated to making fun of here we go with the tiktok have you guys seen ai spongebob on tiktok breaking news like that one no no there's you know how they did the endless seinfeld which was which was like ai seinfeld just endless kept going kept going there's an endless spongebob ai generated endless spongebob thing going on that i that i i don't know if it's on tiktok originally i'm seeing it on tiktok it's like every other video is that is recommended to me and so it's it's just scenes where it I'm seeing it on TikTok. It's like every other video is that is recommended to me.

And so it's just scenes where it'll be like Spongebob and Patrick talking and they'll say like two lines and then it'll just be like a few moments later. And then it'll be just them in the same scene talking again. It's AI, but it's pretty funny. I had the funniest thing happen because there's a TikTok account that it's just the fish from SpongeBob, the news fish going, breaking news! But it was talking about,

who's the guy from that 70s show? Topher? No, Danny Masterson, the actor from... Those two things I said are also actors from that show. Don't dismiss me. Ashton Kutcher and Topher,

what the hell is his name? No, no, no. No, an actor from the show don't don't dismiss me ashton kutcher and tofer what the hell is his name no no no no an actor from the show bob oh okay okay mila kunis are you talking about mila kunis no an actor from the show oh okay i'm talking about danny masterson who was found guilty on two counts of rape oh that's that's a lot less fun that's a very serious thing to bring up but i heard about this because the spongebob news fish on tiktok came up randomly it was like breaking news that 70s show star danny masterson is found guilty on two counts that's and that's how i found out about that news and i'm like what era am i living in i deleted tiktok afterwards that is a weird way to learn that's not good yeah no that's not the right

tone and that's the second time i came across that account the first time was breaking news volcano in mexico threatens to erupt thousands evacuating. And I'm like, this is a joke, right? No, that literally was happening that day. Okay, well, I thought that was a funny TikTok account, but now I see it's a little... Yeah, you guys, yeah, you feel bad now. You feel bad now. No, well, I was just talking about AI SpongeBob episode.

Come on. Yeah, you feel bad. Well, breaking news is a funny voice, and then it's not so funny what you said after. Yeah, no, that's a... Give me points. Give me give me points come on uh three i wait i did stuff first i should get points before mark gets points two no no he made everyone feel bad i did way more stuff than mark how do i only have two he talked about whatever it was before that we were talking about vaginas nah i don't think that was worth points i already gave you points for that mark you don't get more

right now one more no do i get more points clean off your plate before you get more points here's one what it was under my tongue the whole time you have to encourage him or else he won't eat his vegetables so at least this is encouraging him we're training him believable um well that's great stuff guys uh some of it, but all of it stuff. Harking back to where we started, what was the first article we were talking about? The UFOs. That kind of gets me to our topic for the day. And I prepared a soundboard introduction for my episode today.

Holy sweet monkey anus. I did. I did. Are you guys ready for this? Yeah. Yes. Now, I didn't do any editing, so there's no music. So just imagine some good music for this.

That dog can do what? Technology, man. It's just gone so far. I can't believe what I'm hearing. You can read the news on a computer? Wonderfully weird and wacky world of whimsical headlines. That's right! I too can use my

XLR! XLR! Wait, Mark, that was such a journey of your facial expressions. Did you just die inside a little bit? What was that? I am both proud and dying at the same time. I'm just like, you did it.

Oh, oh, God. Oh, man. You remember before we went live, I was like, oh, I need one second. That was to record my button. Wow, that's, uh. Did you just press button after button in sequence? Is that what you did? I did.

I did. I can press one randomly here. I can't believe what I'm hearing. You can read the news on a computer? Oh, man. I've got four buttons for that. Oh. I knew you guys wouldn't be ready for the kind of preparation i do we thought mark had

some kind of secret sauce lighting in a bottle it turns out any old monkey can do it even a technologically illiterate man oh wow i uh i'm impressed thank you thank you i knew you would be if you couldn't gather by what was happening, I want to talk about wonderfully weird and wacky world of whimsical headlines. Chat GPT generated that title for me. I love it. I said, I need a, I need alliteration for weird news story headlines. And that's what I got.

So really, that's, that's really something wonderfully weird and wacky world of whimsical headlines what does that mean though that's very funny but what the hell is happening what do we do so we were doing an episode a while back i forget when and i came across this article and the article was highly intelligent and possibly invincible super pigs are invading america that doesn't sound good but i've got the story here and i read that headline and i was like well i have to click that and i was thinking like dude clickbait i'm aware of it but somehow it's still like on occasion it definitely works on me there are definitely things i see where it's like i know you're playing me but i'm a click and this was one of those times so i was like what

if we do an episode where we just find things that like are clickbait enough for us to just be like so curious either weird enough enough, wild enough, interesting enough, scary enough. Just we see stuff and it's like it jumps out to where it's like it's going to be mundane, stupid, probably. But I have to know what is this about? I want you guys to find that kind of thing and whatever jumps out at you. But before you do, I'll talk. I'll give you some time while I talk about, I guess, this article I'm looking at for the very first time by uh tim newcomb newcomb thank you tim a special breed of hybrid super pigs have started to come into the u.s uh from canada they're a mix of a domestic pig and wild boar

they were crossbred to help farmers uh deal with the cold temperatures up north how are they so intelligent stuff the pigs are proving tough to eradicate. They can survive in a cold climate. Where's the intelligence? They're called super pigs. What's super other than they can deal with the cold? This is what I mean. I clicked on this and I'm generally kind of bored reading it.

I don't see how intelligent they are, but it says they are. You done got clicked. I done got got. Well, apparently, despite the article not telling me how intelligent, they're highly intelligent and possibly invincible super pigs. I clicked it. I'll probably forget about it later, but I've been holding on to that article for like two weeks. It just turned out to be a bust.

If only you had read it ahead of this episode. The point was the headline. The headline got me and that's where it got me. All right. Well, I didn't know that we were going to be so topical before you even got the topic out so can i get some bonus points because i feel like i feel like i've did this i already gave you some you're up eight to four right now i didn't even ask you for points can i get points for not asking for points you just

ask for points you just have four points give them and take them back no i didn't even ask now it's eight to six well i already have i already have an excellent headline i'll let you go first just see what you got okay this headline is out of spokane washington the spokesman review headline reads police get search warrant for man's rectum police officers recently obtained search warrant for a man's rectum. Police officers recently obtained search warrant for man's rectum. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is just the title, man. He's got a pick. He's got a pick. Okay.

Oh. Alright. He's got a pick. This is like the core of who we are. Yeah. Alright, wait. I also got a title. Let's see which one you want to click on. Fertility doctor accused of using own sperm dies in crash of hand-built plane.

That one just keeps escalating. I know, right? It's pretty good. It's pretty good. Bob, you go first. Oh! Well, don't worry, Mark. Mine is short and and hilarious not as convoluted as yours the it's bouquet in washington september 10th a 31 year old man was arrested for a misdemeanor uh warrant uh that was out for his arrest uh for a misdemeanor so to serve a warrant they

typically knock on your door right they're, we have a warrant to search the premises. Well, this fellow happened to be in a traffic stop. So that's not what's happening here. So they knocked on his rectum. They were like, sir, we have a warrant. Well, so, okay. So also, I don't want to get too bogged down to this, but you're thinking of different things.

A search warrant is when a police officer goes to a court and says, I have probable cause that we're investigating this crime. And I have probable cause that we're investigating this crime. And I have probable cause to believe that at this address, at this location, we will find evidence of the crime. A warrant for arrest is not a search warrant. A warrant for your arrest is a statement that we have, it's either probable cause or some other standard to say, we are accusing you of this crime. We are going to charge you with this crime so we have a

warrant that we have the legal right to arrest you in connection with some specific crime or event or something so this dude this person just happened to have an arrest warrant out on his name he was stopped in a traffic stop for like speeding or running a stop sign some traffic stop

in his backpack court documents say police found a knife some marijuana marijuana, a digital scale, and a decent amount of cash, indicating that maybe he was dealing drugs, selling the marijuana, just reading it. But the suspect, when further searched, refused police orders to bend over, spread his butt cheeks, and cough. Police orders to bend over, spread his butt cheeks and cough. According to the warrant, he stood with his buttocks clenched tightly and refused to cooperate with any further instructions. A judge went on to sign a search warrant authorizing officers to search the man's body cavity. And he was transported to Providence Sacred Heart Medical Center so that they could conduct the search in a medical setting i guess with doctors there in case a jailer thought he saw something said officer brian eckersley spokesman for the spokane police

department but for whatever reason it did not come out he's going turtle head poking out why is he an accent the jailer you know spokane washington in england he's got a tall head spoken yeah no that's how they talk there in spokane that's the whole story the cops thought he had something and dude probably just really had to take a dump and the cops were like bend over and cough and he was like no man i'm gonna shit my pants and they were like it anyway. They didn't even find poop in there. He must have gotten, he must have pooped in the car or something. I don't know. I love that for them.

Great job. I thought it was a search warrant. Like a judge had to sign off like, we got to get to this man's house and get into his rectum. I know he had to sign off, but. A judge did sign a search warrant, but the search warrant was subsequent to the arrest warrant, which was part of the initial reason he was stopped and searched i got you i see but the search warrant was technically a search warrant for the inside of his anus area not too big of a search area really you'd really hope you'd come up with something if you go digging around in there but whatever that's the whole thing that's

the story yeah that was fascinating uh bob really good story great headline oh thanks appreciate it that sounds so sincere disappointing as wade's first uh story in that it definitely wasn't disappointing i'm trying to make that a negative comparison to that it was super interesting very cool and fun and you make good choices wade by definitely picking the more interesting one right off the bat. Anyway, I don't know why I'm so sorry. I'm not sorry. Fuck all of you. A New York fertility doctor who was accused of using his own sperm to impregnate several patients died over the weekend when the hand-built airplane he was in fell apart mid-flight and crashed dr morris wartman 72 of rochester morris wartman look i i hate to make fun of names great name strong name it's straw yes a strong

name um was a passenger in the experimental aircraft that went down sunday in a pasture in orleans county the pilot earl looseuce Jr. of Brockport also was killed. And I'm like, who hand builds an airplane? And I'm like, was this just some big conspiracy to lure this doctor into this plane so that he would die? Like he walked up to a plane and saw it was like ramshackle together with two by fours and like bend out nails you know like you'd see in cartoons and it was like yeah it's flight safe yeah it's sturdy it'll take to the skies and then die a horrible death um because apparently this guy was well known in western new york he was sued in 2021 by the daughter of one of his patients who became pregnant in the 1980s. The lawsuit said the doctor secretly used his own sperm while telling the patient the donor had been a local medical student.

It said the doctor kept the secret even after the daughter, his biological offspring, became his gynecological patient. So all bad across the board. And then he dies mysteriously in a hand-built aircraft. Was it one of those things where like he thought he was walking onto a normal jet and like the door closes but like the cardboard cutout falls and it's just like this little rinky-dink plane?

He's like, man, it looked really different from the outside. Bob's method of making friends with like his cardboard facades and deep layers and stuff like this? Ooh, there's a wiki how on how to build an airplane. Wait a minute. My head instantly started hurting when I heard that. Oh no. Don't you have to have like a license and like clearance to fly and shit? Like isn't that complicated?

No, no. Choose what you want the plane to be made from. You wouldn't fabric. they're light but weak cardboard cardboard oh man purchase a building kit online assemble your plane's frame they've got a welding torch here install the engine connect the propeller place the flight panel inside oh just place the flight panel easy you. Place the flight panel. You know, the thing with your altimeter, your airspeed. Just set that in there, and that'll work. Yeah, it says order a flight panel online or on an auction site. Expect to pay around $1,000.

Some modern avionics come with a control module. You plug the panel components into the module for easier installation. Unbelievable. Heck, just get an iPad app. Who even cares? Just mount an iPad up there. That'll have all your gauges on there. That hurts me that people don't care enough about their lives to fly in that.

Part two, fly. Get your license in your free time outside of your airplane building time. Bring your plane to an airport. Find a place to store it register complete your inspection and have your first test flight whenever i pull into the airport i always see the uh uh cheap parking long-term parking brought my own plane parking wait this is hilarious the step after have your first test flight is have an inspector verify your work. Well, that's clearly what they were going to do.

It's not even a plane until it flies. So what are you going to have them inspect? Your pile of garbage? I mean, apparently. Well, there you have it. You can build your own plane. That's super easy. That's way easier than I would have thought.

That's only like a dozen steps. Yeah, that'd be like a day, maybe. You trip to Home Depot and you're good. Yeah, I mean, day and a half if you want to take it easy. Should we do a distractible episode from our self-built plane? Yes. Mark, you have a whole wall of Ryobi tools. Can we use your tools to build an airplane?

You know what I haven't looked up is if there's been new Ryobi stuff put out there. How expensive is an airplane kit? Ryobi. I bet you could make a plane out of some Ryobi products. I bet Ryobi is actively calling their lawyers to stop me from saying such things, but I bet it's possible.

Do you mean, like, use the tools in order to make a plane, or, like, make a plane out of... Oh, that's an excited Mark face. What released, Mark? What Ryobi product is out there now? Do you want to make a plane or like make a plane out of that's excited mark face what released mark what ryobi product is out there now you want to get a ryobi 24 quart hybrid power cooler oh yeah actually that's sure yeah what you thought i was faking my expression that's dope as hell i thought you literally found a plane kit from them or something. No, but I wouldn't doubt it. Yeah, you put two batteries in. It'll keep your food cold. It could be a portable freezer, too.

It can get down to negative four Fahrenheit. Oh, shit. This is awesome. That's life changing. I'm buying that. That's great. You do that. Great story.

I will assign some amount of points to you both. Bob, do you have another headline? Sure, sure, sure, sure. I do. Yeah. Uh-huh. Do you want to hear it? Oh, whenever.

You know what? Are you ready for me to hear it? I can press one of these buttons again if you want. Like, technology, man. It's just gone so far. See? I can't believe it. Unbelievable.

You know what? I like yours even better than Mark's because yours can be broken up and used throughout the episode. It's so versatile. Oh, I know. I mean, no, I like Mark's. Mark's, wait, why do I care?

You're not the host. Feel sad, loser. The killer mentality. He's really got it. All right. My headline is, eight-legged mom has 50,000 babies. Two-legged woman watches.

Holy shit, I want to know that. Oh, okay. I guess I'll give you a point from Mark. I would like more than one point from Mark. I would like several of Mark's points. Mark? Well, no, not from his pool of points. Just the points he assigned it.

I got one here. A true crime fanatic in South Korea killed someone she met online, quote, out of curiosity to see what murder would be like for real, police say. I actually saw that one. Ominous! Alright, alright,

alright. Mark, I would love to give you the point there, but you were so excited about Bob's wanting to hear it, I gotta give it to Bob again. Alright, alright, alright. Mark, I would love to give you the point there, but you were so excited about Bob's wanting to hear it, I gotta give it to Bob again. Alright! You did this, Mark. My hands are tied. His hands are tied, Mark. What do you want from him? I'll cut your hands off with my Ryobi angle grinder.

Okay, now they have to talk. You would need quite a large cut-off wheel to make that happen, Mark. You're gonna get in touch with their lawyers i think you'd be much better served by a ryobi reciprocating saw with a with a good strong blade well maybe the ryobi new hp plus seven inch circular saw might be just the ticket or did you know ryobi has an entire table saw So that you can have perfectly clean cuts on those wrists whenever and wherever you want them to be. So my headline is about a person in Seattle.

Man, I got a lot of Washington stories. Washington, weird stuff happens in that area of the country. A person was diving not too far down off harbor avenue in downtown west seattle we all know where that is not far from shore she discovers a giant pacific octopus having babies my understanding is that octopuses yeah no that's probably it uh-huh the it's that they they lay like eggs right so anyway this diver comes upon a giant pacific octopus in their underwater den protected by rocks uh and braids of eggs are blowing out a billowing out of the octopus and the the mom the mom to puss is uh circulating water to keep them clean and aerated and it's apparently a video but i'm not going to

show the video uh but apparently a couple a couple minutes after this diver comes upon the scene the eggs just start hatching the octopus is there just like circulating water and whatever and then they just start hatching. Whoa, that took a turn. And this beautiful scene unfolds. The diver is just watching and recording. Apparently, this was the

final act of love of this mother octopus because a few minutes later after most of the eggs have hatched and all of the action is kind of over the mother octopus just croaks and sort of sadly sinks away

from all of her freshly birthed babies. After the diver stabbed it with a spear to take it home for dinner. Well, you don't want to waste tasty, delicious octopus. But yeah, anyway, a giant octopus had a bunch of babies and then died take it home for dinner well you don't want to waste tasty delicious octopus but uh yeah anyway giant octopus had a bunch of babies and then died and it's all on video wow beautiful that is uh indicative of like octopi or sorry octopuses um they often do die immediately after uh taking care of their kids it's such an arduous task and

you know it is yeah i was expecting honestly like a centipede or a millipede i was not thinking octopus yeah you know all centipedes have eight legs we said eight legs i guess for some reason i was thinking many legs instead of eight legs said to you it's greek for eight can i have some points yeah sure oh cool can i have some points oh Let's wait and hear what your story's all about, man. All right, fine. Let me remind you what it was, because you probably forgot. It's been so long. Bob was just taking his sweet time with his stupid octopus story.

With my fascinating and delightful and tragic story. It had everything, really. All the stuff you could ask for in a story. It was all there. By the way, if you guys like Ryobi, just know this episode's probably brought to you by craftsman or somebody else it's not them but it could be ryobi i don't think any tool company is gonna sponsor us why we're three tools am i right bros yeah exactly anyway a 23 year old true crime fanatic was arrested in south korea in the in the south k the South Korean city of Busan on Wednesday in connection with

the killing and dismembering of a woman, according to law enforcement authorities. Police say they believe the killing was done out of curiosity, driven by the suspect's desire to experience what murder was like firsthand. South Korea's oldest newspaper, the Chosun Ilpo, reported. The newspaper said that Jung Yoo-jung

confessed to the killing and was indicted for murder on Friday. Initially, Jung claimed that the kill, that to have killed the victim during an argument but later retracted the statement when presented with contradictory and evidence by investigators a police spokesperson said they suspect the murder was premeditated and was driven by jeong's desire to kill someone for real after she quote became obsessed with murder from TV programs and books. An investigation of Jeong's phone revealed three months worth of search history on how to hide a corpse, according to the newspaper. The investigation also revealed that Jeong had watched true crime TV shows and borrowed crime books from the library, the Chosun Ilbo reported. What if we did an episode

on how to hide a body? If I win this one, the next one's going to be how to hide a body if i win this one the next one's going to be how to hide a body you google search all the stuff on your computer and we'll be here and you too will search for how to do this oh okay next time i win bob you just got some more points all right all right today uh please say jung searched for the victim online eventually finding one through an app that connects parents with private tutors per the newspaper two days before the killing jung contacted the victim posing as the mother of a ninth grader to arrange a visit to the victim's home and then jung went home to the home disguised as a student wearing a school uniform she had purchased online once inside police alleged that she fatally stabbed the victim.

Then dismembered the body, placing some of the corpse in a suitcase that she dumped in a wooded area by a river and leaving other parts of the corpse in her home. Jung kept the victim's cell phone, ID card, and wallet in a bid to try to commit the perfect crime. What? The taxi driver who took her to the wooded area alerted the police oh i got for someone who's quote unquote obsessed with true crime awful execution just just terrible attempt at committing the perfect murder it was really stumbled at that don't call a cab to take your body parts into the woods part of the lesson. Yeah, this is pretty dumb. Don't murder people.

I think that's the moral. No, no, no, no. That's not the moral of the story here. That's not the moral of the story. Anyway, I'll take my points now. Don't even give him points. I already have another one and I deserve more points. So listen to me.

Look at me. Look at me. Don't worry about what I'm doing. Mark, for having the scariest story yet,'m gonna give you 10 points thank you that doesn't sound like very many at all how about more it doesn't sound like many i'll take 20 no he's good he's got enough yeah i have a new one this one's sad it's a it's a surprising headline but it's it's sad real quick though mark 10 points is the most i've assigned for anything yet at the time of signing yeah so we gotta see what happens now yeah i don't trust the mark he's he's probably lying to you okay headline reads people in japan who got used to face coverings during covid are attending smiling lessons oh people forgot how to smile i have some questions

about this one but uh am i giving Mark a chance to to rebut or do you want me to just jump into this? I don't know. Everybody's give your best smile for the camera. Let's let's all smile. Let's see if we remember how. Beautiful. Two points to everybody.

Anyway, my headline is a family thought they were adopting a six-year-old girl. Now they claim she's an adult con artist. That would be confusing. I can see where the family's coming from. Mark, you're on a roll. You get this one, I think. Yes! Yes!

Take that, Bob. No, you don't have to pity him. You don't have to lie to him, okay? Guess who's going to be looking up murders in the next episode anyway oh this this this article is a little self-aggrandizing because it starts off being it was perhaps one of the strangest stories ever in headlines and i'm like i know i won this one but come on now natalie grace barnett a little person with a rare bone growth disorder was adopted from ukraine by a family who thought she was six years old.

Her adoptive parents later claimed that she was a, quote, sociopathic adult pretending to be a child. Michael and Christine Barnett of Indianapolis said Natalia wanted to harm them and their biological children. Meanwhile, authorities charged the parents with neglecting their disabled daughter. The convoluted tale is chronicled in the new docuseries, apparently there's a new one, called The Curious Case of Natalia Grace, which I have not seen that one. The filmmakers tried to find out the truth behind the affair. Michael Barnett defended himself during extended interviews. Christine Barnett and Natalia chose not to give their sides of the story. Interesting.

So there's going to be a lot of revelations coming from the one person they talked to yeah exactly it is just fascinating it is just michael barnett who is now divorced from christine said the family was quote living with a con artist and a psychopath the barnett's adopted natalia in 2010 from an adoption agency barnett said in the film that they were given a day to decide whether to do so they They said, she has dwarfism, you have 24 hours to sign, otherwise she is going straight to foster. We adopted Natalia because we wanted to help somebody who was in danger of never being loved, Barnett said, adding that her Ukrainian birth certificate said she was born September 4th, 2003. They adopted in 2010. He said they had no reason to believe she wasn't a six-year-old orphan.

She had spondylophysial dysplasia, the rare kind of dwarfism that can cause skeletal abnormalities and issues with vision and hearing. Natalia was barely three years old. But she wasn't a baby. How old was she? I don't know. Wait, hang me otherwise i'm there's a long yeah that's what is the punchline here is that it is actually a child this person is a child and the guy was just like that's not a child that's an adult woman is that

the punchline that this is leading to i don don't know. And I'm trying because a long article here, it said interviewing the series, Natalia's eldest brother, Jacob Barnett, said he, quote, didn't feel safe around Natalia. I was just scared. Natalia spent time in the state mental hospital where Michael Barnett said a therapist diagnosed her as a sociopath who was making she was released after making she was released after making, quote, inappropriate sexual remarks to male patients. By then, the Barners were convinced that their daughter was an adult. She's cured!

Let her out of here! That was incredibly inappropriate. Is there not like a test they can do to find out if someone's a kid or an adult? Natalia appeared on Dr. Phil and maintained that she was six when she was adopted natalia's claims have never been proven now at least in the eyes of the law she's a 33 year old woman whatever the case speaking in the documentary michael barnett said he had compassion for natalia even though she testified against him in court he said that they exchanged a discreet wave after the jury gave its verdict i tried to look her in the eyes barnett said in the series adding quote i mouthed to her this is

hard i'm sorry i have no idea if they see her as 33 now that would mean that they see her as being 10 years older than what they originally thought so that is they thought she was six in 2010 and now she's 33 13 years later instead of 19 yeah but i i have i have no idea oh my head it's just like wade you don't know if you're really your age you could be 10 years older my god that dog can do what? Never mind. Oh my god. That dog can do what? This is Da Vinci Code of Mysteries. Yep, that was an odd one, even for me.

That's a tale. Let me give you some amount of points. Thank you. I deserve it. Bob bob what you got i i feel like the title of mine was very much most of the article but i have questions people in japan who got used to face master and covet are attending smiling lessons all by japan's public broadcaster and hk last month showed 55 of people are still wearing masks just as often now as when the government guidance was in place during the pandemic. So, I mean, and this article goes on to say, but this is also just a

fact, face coverings were already more widely used in Japan and other countries in that region of the world, like if you were sick or for seasonal allergies or during flu season, It was already pretty common practice for people to wear some sort of face covering in order to avoid contracting illnesses in public. But apparently, a 20-year-old is quoted as saying, I hadn't used my facial muscles very much during COVID. She has now hired the services of a smile instructor, saying that it's good exercise and will help her prepare to enter japan's job market i feel like the title is the whole story

here and very interesting that there is such a thing as a smile instructor i love that a one-on-one session uh costs 44 pounds or 7700 yen to get a one-on-one smiling training session. Do people only smile because they want other people to see them smiling? I don't know. I mean, I smile all the time, but I'm weird. I will also say that I can see this being a thing. Like if you have some kind of like facial paralysis or an injury or something where like you have to recover and like you damage the muscles trying to relearn to use those muscles but from wearing a mask kind of surprises me that that would just not smiling

for a while you wouldn't smile at all they're not watching distractible i guess i'm just lucky or maybe i'm an ignorant fool or something but like i smile i smile. I smile when I'm alone, when I know no one will see it, because sometimes I have a good day or it's funny or something. I don't know. Mark, do you smile or is that all just a show? No, I never smile. This is actually an AI filter on my thing. Whenever it detects something that you guys say that's funny is I, it, it automatically makes me laugh and smile. And that's why most of my responses are so jaded and antagonistic and hateful, because that's actually what I'm saying all the time. But the AI actually just replaces half of what I say with actual nice things.

Man, I got to shut that thing down. Wow, the quote, wait, who said this? There's a quote in the middle of this article as well that just says, culturally, a smile signifies that i'm not holding a gun and i'm not a threat to you i mean yeah dude you can tell yeah wade is not holding a gun neither am i we are not a threat i feel not threatened but definitely unsafe i just want to threatened but definitely unsafe i just want to shake your hand uh pass i'm good i don't want to i don't even want to pretend to shake hands through the edge of the screen or anything like that i'm good i'm good you both of you need to agree on the bit here wow that's awful wait i

don't know you gotta reach off okay you know if you reach across your body, I'm not going to reach out to Mark. The problem is I don't know where I'm placed at relative to you two for you two. No, no. It was perfect. Thank you. Will can fix it. Yeah. Will, you got this.

Fix it. Just green screen my arm and move it wherever it needs to go. Ow. He slapped me with my own arm. I can't believe it. And then there's an explosion, Will. ow he slapped me with my own arm i can't believe it and then there's an explosion will and now now i'm running through a field a meadow full of flowers and bees will the bees whoa will where am i now oh god oh yeah no that's that's definitely not gonna make the episode um

i don't know i guess i guess i find the idea that you need smiling lessons. Maybe do a lot of people have like bad smiles? Is it hard to smile good? That's something you shouldn't put out there being like, everyone's like, no, I got a good smile. Like, no, there are definitely some people out there with bad smiles, right? You out there, you have a bad. Why would I?

I don't know. Maybe this is just not a thing that resonates with me. I would not need a smiling instructor you just you just smile you just you know think of something there are some people that hope that do like try to uh change up their smile you know they want to have a more more um i i'm not i don't mean to say like good smile but it's like you know well they're going for a certain look or something right i certainly understand people dress a certain way you do your hair you do your makeup whatever if you want your smile to look a specific way because you feel like that matches with how

you want people to see you i guess maybe i get that but i guess that's not a thing i would do maybe it's not sad maybe i'm just a judgy piece of shit wade take all my points away i'm bad i'm a bad person wade i'm being judgmental towards people who are just trying to better their lives i don't deserve points all right took all your points away thank you you're welcome so you guys got more headlines um quick round fire round we don't have to read the article just fire around i don't want i'm tired i've Just fire round. I don't want it. I don't want it. I'm tired. I've got rapid fires. All right, fine.

Man and youth arrested after baby donkey stole it from farm. That one's not that weird. Indiana man is dead after grenade found in grandfather's belongings explodes. Three teenagers arrested after stealing prized swan and then killing and eating it. Utah woman who published a children's book about grief after the sudden death of her husband has been charged with his murder. Undertakers create quirky coffin designs to, quote, break the taboo of death. Oh, I read that one before.

Oh, man. Hold on a second. No, no, hold on. I got this. We're holding. No, that was too sad. Oh, I read that one before. Oh, man. Hold on a second. No, no, hold on. I got this. We're holding. No, that was too sad. Oh, no, they're all sad. That's wild, man.

Oh, no. Okay. Oh, no. I don't know why. This actually does make me want to know more. The Ford Bronco is being recalled because people may get, quote, discouraged trying to use the seatbelts. I actually have to go into this one.

That's that's pretty funny. Teenager secures U.S. National Spelling Bee Contest win by spelling obscure 11 letter word samophile. Police attempting to respond to a person crying for help find a very upset goat. I think we can... Missing dog found in an ambulance 50 miles away eight months later. Overdue book returned nearly 100 years late to California library. The book's title, you ask? Quote, a history of the United States. That's going to be a little outdated.

Why about a century? Nuns non-decaying dead body attracts hundreds to U.S. city. Omaha couple finds loaded pistol in playground porta potty. PPP? The triple P? PQ? New Zealand's ratio of sheep to people

falls to record low. Alright, uh. Quote, the best feeling. Woman in labor walks across graduation stage. Gets degree. Alright, we're gonna wrap this up. You guys did great. Killer whales deliberately hitting

boats, causing some to sink. Well, Mark, you gotta get one more to even it out. Why Starbucks new olive oil coffee is allegedly making people poop a whole lot. That's it. We're done. We've gone too far. That's it.

No more poop. I'm going to assign some amount of points. Here we go. Good work, everybody. Good good work thank you for participating in wonderfully weird and wacky world of whimsical headlines appreciate that very much thank you thank you or weird par four weird no no it is not weird no no no this is not this is not this is not not weird thank you for participating in the

bit making fun of that episode idea I guess I can't believe what I'm hearing you can read the news on a computer

see it's about headlines old me said so I can't be weird what I'm weirding you can read weird that's what it said

don't play it again. Okay. Don't look at me. Don't look at me. Ultimately, you guys came in with some great headlines. I enjoyed it. Thank you very much. Hotel guest wakes up to manager sucking his toes.

You ordered the deluxe package, sir. Injured Swiss cow rescued you ordered the deluxe package sir injured swiss cow rescued rescued via helicopter I am going to tell you who won now I'm going to regret everything else you all say it was a close one

it's a one point difference despite Bob telling me to get rid of all of his points which I did the final score Mark with 29 Bob you had 0 but you ended with 30 oh and do you know why this was

because Mark said if he won we would have to google search how to hide a body and so I made a rule for every 1 point I give to Mark Bob has to at least be 1 point over that. Mark, you couldn't win. Congratulations.

Wow, I feel like that happens to Mark almost exclusively. Well, he shouldn't have threatened to make us Google how to hide corpses, because I don't want that on my search history. Mark, in honor of you, I will do whatever topic you want for the next episode, and you don't have to take me up on that, if you have an idea I will absolutely do it no no no I'm good okay well then I'll do my topic then okay good the murder thing later I don't want I'm

gonna be sick on murder thing we're gonna have Wade at home Wade from wish.com just substitute I gotta sneeze all right Wade we'll we'll create a like a God why did you lead so far away to Steve? We still heard

him. You heard him. Imagine if he was in the microphone in that moment. Just cover your... We'd be dead. So congrats Who did I say won? Bob, congrats It was really good. Oh no, actually you said I won. Wait, sorry you said I won. Oh no, you did say that actually

Oh did I? Alright, well, you said I won. Oh, no, you did say that, actually. Oh, did I? All right, well, as the host, I changed my mind. Who wins? Nobody, but I guess you. What if nobody wins? Can we do that? Is that allowed? I did have, because of the headlines,

Bob had read more of the headlines first for me picking his. He was winning before he said to take away all of his points, so. Oh, so I won twice, basically. Yeah, you won twice. Mark, you really didn't stand a chance today. You really dropped the ball. Loser speech.

Competitors in Zorb Ball's race go through gator-infested waters at Gatorland. You know, I'll give you half a point for that. That was really good. Police say this is the, quote, very last warning for an 82-year-old German convicted once again of dealing drugs

this is your last warning this is the last time we cannot do this anymore Hans please how many times must we tell you is that your guys losers and winners speeches is that it yep that's it

great well thank you all for watching i think to this is not weird for this is wonderfully weird and wacky world of whimsical headlines otherwise just called interesting headline i don't know what the hell's um well it'll have a title and it'll be so good you guys be oh man i can't wait to watch we'll come up with a wonderfully weird and wacky world of whimsical headline for this or we will in a minute anyway if you haven't already go follow my co-host Mark at Markiplier Bob at MySkirm

I'm Wade Minion777 or LordMinion777 we might maybe have merch probably not but there's a chance store.shotballpodcast.com make sure to follow the podcast and watch on Spotify where you can see our wonderfully weird and wacky faces and smiles and other shit that we do and I guess stay tuned for the next one where Bob will host and we'll can see our wonderfully weird and wacky faces and smiles and other shit that we do

and I guess stay tuned for the next one where Bob will host and we'll find out what wonderfully weird and wacky shit we'll get into. Thank you all for joining. Until next time Podcast Out A brain implant changed her life then it was removed

against her will Rolling Thunder Contestants chased Cheese Wheel down a hill Then it was removed against her will. Rolling Thunder. Contestants chased Cheese Wheel down a hill in chaotic UK race. Don't fish with a gun in Kansas, Game Warden says. Indian officials suspended after draining 200,000 gallons of water from a reservoir to retrieve the phone he dropped while taking a selfie. Seagulls quote high on spice end quote after making off with stashes of drugs. Man steals backhoe for 10 mile drive to Illinois airport to catch flight.

Auschwitz Museum criticized tasteless ice cream stand near iconic death gate. Now, I don't know if they're just saying the ice cream was bland or if it's just in bad taste. Bad taste. Chirping sounds lead airport officials to bag filled with smuggled parrot eggs. Man turned into King Kong and threatened partner with knife after being served cauliflower cheese on his birthday. We don't like. When you adopt a desert tortoise,

prepare for a surprisingly social and zippy pet. You know the episode's over, right guys? Eh?