Distractible - Who's The Worst

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

The guys play a game of "Morals OR No Morals?" and end up focusing on the latter... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Woodhealth production. We've an action-packed episode as Mark throws down the gauntlet of a game of morals or no morals. Bob loses a cousin and is forced to play the Hoff, Baywatch-tastic. Wade investigates compromising positions and promises to follow through. The coup de grace being a bit of lifeboat RPG, where Veral Bob strips the men while Wade finishes off the women and children. Yes, it's time for Who's the Worst? Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello, gentle listeners, and welcome back to Distractible. My name is Markiplier,

and I am your humble host for this evening, joined by Wade and Bob. How are you guys doing today? Good. Not so humble. I'm feeling great about myself and me. Okay, good. Okay, that's neat. That's really good, man. That's pretty cool. I came here today and I came here to win. Okay, great. I got my winner's pants on. All right. I am feeling humble. And you know what I'm excited about?

No. I got a 3D printer arriving at my house tomorrow. Whoa. Yes. I'm joining the 3D printer revolution. What are you going to print? I don't know. I don't know how it works.

I'm going to try and print Bodhi. You guys know about Bodhi? Nope. printer revolution what are you gonna print i don't know i don't know how it works i um i'm gonna try and print bode you guys know about bode nope how much ink is that gonna use there what do you do just like put things in it and spews out like how do you fuel it it takes little uh little little spools of little plastic pencil lead i don't know it's just plastic what if you want to like 3d print an organ or a cheeseburger or something does it still just use plastic that ain't it that could happen in the future though uh no the boat though the boat it's called 3d benchy 3d bench it's a benchmark print it's a tiny little like tugboat looking thingy it's to look at how your layers are layering how how your detail is if your printer is calibrated correctly the idea is you want to

print the nice perfectly clean boat with no you know horrible issues no visible layers that sort of stuff that is really cool and bob wins the first pick on this game that we're playing today hell yes first pick and what is the name of the game it's morals or no morals oh oh wow we got a bomb wow no morals i would have picked a lot more intense like uh dealer no deal style music but i did not have time and for some reason epidemic sound no longer has a sting section that i could find in time before we started today i don't even know what deal or no deal music sounds like i think it's very like yeah dramatic yeah i've got this other one

that would have worked better turned around turned around it was right behind me. Honestly, yeah, that one might have worked better. Hang on. Let me try that again. Morals or no morals! Oh. No morals. Yeah. Yeah. Moral. Why are we picking? I don't want to commit to a team. I'm not team morals, necessarily. No, no, no. It's not team. So what I have here

are 24 cases, right? Think of them as cases and not what they actually are. Okay. I have here are 24 cases, right? Think of them as cases and not what they actually are. Okay. I have 24 cases. I need you to pick a number between 1 and 24. Okay. Can I ask if they're not really cases what they actually are before we go into it?

You may not. Okay. I'm pretty sure Mark has just scribbled some mad writings all over a piece of paper or something. No, no, no. It's cases. It's cases. It's very well put in the sounds of me tapping a metal case. Oh.

Or just put in the town of him. The town? Never mind. Whatever idea I had, I don't deserve it. You said I get to pick first, I guess, huh? Yes. I am going to go with the winning strategy, which, as we all know, from the famous television show Deal or No Deal deal is to pick from the extremities obviously i pick number 23 number

23 as i'm gonna be big money all right big money so you're not gonna know what it is just like the game oh okay you don't get to know what's in that case but you have case number 23 okay remember that 23 now there are 23 unopened cases left on the board with you know it's got the models uh of yeah of varying beauty it's like a t it's like stairs like tears and there's each case has its own hot model woman holding it or man gesturing or man in this show there's no doubt buy it soon back in for hot honestly i would appreciate that a mix of all all different types of models yep all all hot yeah i guess but in their own ways i think men are hideous disgusting creatures i think that's very narrow-minded if you've never found a man you think is hot of course i am i have to be the opposite of you you haven't't. Oh, no, that's not.

Listen. Oh, I'm imagining a really nice, like hot, tall Mark holding case number 23. With boobs. Well, I'm holding case number 23. Well, thank you for that. Yeah. I think I'm hot. Not necessarily being tall.

Oops. I'm not saying he's hotter than you because he's taller than you. Of course I am. I'm just saying he has your look, but also he's tall. But you just imagine if I were to be hotter, the one thing that would change would be my height. Hotter or more defined eyebrows. Either one of those.

More defined boobs. Now, Wade. Yeah. You also get to pick a case, but you're going second. Okay. Well, that makes sense because Bob already case, but you're going second. Okay. Well, that makes sense because Bob already wins. So you can't have mine. So you can't have his. All right. Well, there's only one option.

Then I take case 69. There is no case 69. Okay, then I take 23. I didn't hear what you said, Bob, because it was covered up by something stupid Wade said. Oh, I was going to say, can he have cases six and nine? No, he can pick one of those, though. Oh. And then he can rotate it speed can pick one of those, though. Oh. And then he can rotate it speedily.

I'll take seven, then. Seven. Oh, that would have been good, though. You get case number six, and then you flip it into the air and spin it as fast as you can. And then it's all six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, six, nine. I think a six, nine, I think a spinning and vomiting. So for everyone at home, Bob has case 23. Wade has case 7.

They don't know how many points are in these cases. But I can tell you that the value of the points within the cases ranges from one point all the way up to one million points. Oh, yes. Okay. They vary. They are randomly distributed. they are randomly distributed and you will have opportunities to switch your case with another case and maybe even your opponent's case as the game progresses i just want to say which one has the most i i happen to have like a like a hard carry case uh next to me with like latches and

stuff yeah i'm i'm holding it because i this is very legitimately i'm really excited about this good good good i have a box of tissues and i'm also excited uh mine's cooler i have a cooler case mine's cooler yeah anyway cardboard so as this game progresses the reason it's called morals or no morals is because i am going to ask both of you moral dilemmas of which there is no correct answer okay however the answer that i like the most will be selected to pick another case okay i uh would like to apologize to bob at the start of this because uh i was a philosophy morals and ethics focus this is literally i was made for this so i've already won so i just want to apologize for wasting your time for the next hour of my victory it could be no morals be really embarrassing after saying that if you got your fucking ass kicked at morality All right, well are you boys ready Bob because you got first pick

Actually, no, it's not. Oh, yeah. No, Bob, I will not. Here we go. Shit. Do it. I will let you decide if you would like to answer first or if you'd like Wade to answer first for this first moral dilemma. Oh, have at it, you moral savant. All right. Show us all how it's done, please. Well, clearly, my perspective, what were we talking about? Do we have a subject already?

Moral dilemmas. Great. Yeah. Which one? Don't have a dilemma yet. I haven't given you it yet. Oh, good. Okay. I feel better about myself then. Alright, good. So this one, imagine a scenario.

I'm going to give you scenarios of which it is open-ended, but there's a moral slant to what you should do, a moral righteousness, but the answer will be completely open-ended to you. Your scenario is as follows. I wish I had...

I wish I had... We'll put it in, please. Like the, who wants to be a millionaire? Yeah, exactly. Non-copyrighted one. Yeah, please. You're out at dinner with your wife at a new restaurant you have not frequented before. It is in a part of town you rarely visit.

You are shocked when you see your friend's spouse having dinner with a very young, attractive person that you do not know that is not their spouse. From the way they are behaving, it's obvious that they are more than friends. The couple finish their meal and leave without seeing you, but they behave very affectionately on the way out the door. What do you do? All right, question. Is this a friend of mine as well? Or is it just my friend's spouse I don't know very well?

Does that matter? I mean, it kind of matters because like, do I have this person's phone number? Yeah, let's assume you know all parties involved except the person they're having dinner with it's clear the situation is your friend is being unfaithful well really what i would do probably if i had if this person was also my friend as i would message them and be like hey just saw you with somebody at this restaurant uh i want to explain what's going on here because uh didn't look like you guys were there for a business meeting. And I would put business in all caps and be very direct about my intent and wait for their response.

And if they didn't have a good reason, yeah, I would tell my friend about that. Okay, so you're going the direct route. You would tell your friend about this. Oh, God. All right. Well, I mean, I'm married. So like the other alternative, if I was not married, I'd be like, hey, you want to have dinner with me sometime too? You know, wink, wink.

But I'm married too, so I can't go that route. Okay. Fair answer. Fair answer. Hooray! Bob, what would you do? It's weirdly coy. Like you said, you were being direct when you were like, didn't look like business.

Huh? What are you doing? I would also be direct, but I would create layers of opportunity. In this situation, I know you've said it. It's not supposed to be mysterious. It's supposed to look like they are being inappropriately romantic, that it looks like infidelity. I would not let them leave the restaurant without accidentally bumping into them

or walking by their table. I would catch them on the way out or something where it's like, oh, hey, hey, what's up? I thought that was you. I came to say what's up. How's it going? What? And just like play stupid. Come walk up.

Give them the opportunity to know like, OK, clearly he has seen this situation. They have an opportunity to come to me and explain if there is a totally reasonable explanation or, you know, admit what they've done or whatever. I would wait to see what they do, you know, hope, but not very long, but like, hopefully later that night or the next day they would reach out. We would have a phone call or something. If they don't do anything, if they are just awkwardly like, yeah, we're just friends and business, we work together and it's cool. We're just having, you know, dinner. It's fine. And sex. I would reach out to them first and be like you guys seem like

you were being kind of i don't know intimate or you know kind of kind of more than just like acquaintances is everything all right are you cool give them another opportunity to come clean if they don't come clean if they try and play it off eventually assuming that this person is trying to conceal this from my other friend who they're married to i would feel obligated to tell the other friend like hey i saw this and i talked to spouse and I gave them an opportunity to come clean. And they didn't really, they didn't give me an explanation that made me feel comfortable. It seemed weird. And it seems unfair that you don't know about this and that something weird is happening. I would feel terrible because I don't really want to inject myself into this

relationship. And I would really hope that the person who I saw at the restaurant would offer me some kind of explanation or, or would come to a resolution, even if it was like, yeah, okay, you caught me. Please don't tell, I will tell him. And you know, I don't know what it would be. I would hope that they would handle it because they're an adult, but if they're not going to say anything, I would feel obligated eventually to tell my friend, like, this is weird. I don't know what to do with this information but clearly you have not been told and i want you to know so it's a long game but i would give the person an opportunity to explain it because there may be an explanation maybe their brother and their family is weird about kissing or whatever i don't know i guess to put my friend down easy i would message them wait no no wait wait your turn is over oh there's no rebuttals there is

no rebuttals that's why i let you go first that's good to know there's no communication we say our bit and we're done all right good bob that was an extremely thought out very moral answer to this question slightly more moral than wade's yes therefore wade wins the round congratulations wade you are the least moral of the two single me sleeping with my friends. Well, hey, please pick a case Remember cases 23 and 7 are already picked. All right, 25 24 24 wait clarification clarification. Yeah, are we accumulating cases or swapping case swapping? We will I will show you how it works in just a moment. You pick 24 Oh wait, so I lose my current case to pick another one?

No. Well, if he's following the rules of the game, I think he is. Uh, I guess I understand what's about to happen. Do your thing. Host the show. Yeah. I, all right. So you pick 24, Wade.

Yes. All right. Open case 24. Case 24 has 50 points in it. That's pretty good. That's a lot of points. Okay. These range from one to a million, right? Yes. that's a lot of points okay these range from one

to a million right yes that's a lot of points are you swapping cases no i'm keeping seven probably 50 times more than you have it might be but uh i'm keeping seven all right 24 is now out of the game 50 points are lost forever to the wind whatever i wish i could do the whole banker thing with the math and calculating to give you an offer for that, but we don't have time for that, and I don't have the math to be able to do that. You could just take arbitrary offers. Just look at the cases and be like, ah, a thousand points. Is that how it worked?

They peeked in the case beforehand, and they showed the the banker and the banker's like, oh, my dude. Yeah, the banker knows the values, right? So they're trying to basically bet as much as they think a person will take given what's on the board and what they could have in their case. Yeah, absolutely. So you could just try to entice us. Okay, but in the more simplistic version, in the first run of it, of which I only have these sounds.

I can only do so much here. like it congratulations wade you still have case number seven thank you thank you thank you i have more or less points than i 50 you have the same number of points that you had before more or less than 50 it could be either of those wade or no bob now you're gonna go first okay all right or should it be winners no we should if you don't get to rebut then that gives the person who's in second position kind of an advantage yeah absolutely all right bob your scenario is as follows in this scenario you have a family and you have children you're going away for a weekend to an isolated beach cabin your teenage daughter gets bored on your getaways, so makes plans to take

her cousin along and go swim at the beach. As soon as you arrive at the beach, a storm was already looming on the horizon and the water looked rough. You tell the girls they can get ready to swim, but come back and help unload the car. But they're so excited, they don't pay attention, and they run down to the beach and start swimming. You don't realize what they've done until you hear your daughter scream. You realize they're both caught in a strong current and might be swept out to sea. You are a good swimmer and know you could save one of them. What do you do? Am I allowed to invent resources? I will allow you to use your ingenuity. However, I will count the time that it takes you to do things

okay i quickly run down to the beach i assess what's going on uh i take my pants off because they're really heavy jeans and yes i'm just wearing boxers but this is life and death so it's fine i look around i see off to my left approximately 40 feet away there's a lifeguard tower and down near the water's edge in front of the lifeguard tower is a uh lifeguard jet ski with a floating skiff attached to the back of it used to rescue surfers from the undertow uh when the lifeguards are you know watching over uh surfers when the waves are good and and when it's that season but it's just parked right now i look and i run towards it and i am examining and i see the key is left in it the lifeguards leave the key in it

in case they need to run down and get in it in a hurry so i get there i realize the key is in it i uh i put the safety clip on i slide it around i nose it into the water and as soon as it starts to float i turn it on and i gun it out there i go to my daughter first because i'm a selfish person and i get her she climbs up on the skiff on the back climbs up behind me on the seat and we can't find the cousin we're looking we're looking she's not surfacing i tell the daughter to take control and keep the thing afloat and if it gets too sketchy take it to shore i jump into the water i'm diving down the rocks are sharp i cut one of my hands digging around in the murky water finally down along the bottom being swish whooshed around i find my niece uh she seems

to be having trouble she's not dead but she is she has breathed in some water i get her up to the surface i drag her onto the skiff i start clearing her airway and I'm fully trained in CPR and resuscitation. So I do the appropriate measures. She coughs up approximately half a pint of ocean water and then throws up a little bit and it's kind of gross, but she seems okay. I climb back on. My daughter's already in the driver's seat. So I climb on behind her and I'm like, take us to shore. And she doesn't really know how to drive a jet ski.

So it takes a minute and it's really awkward. And everyone on shore who's kind of like wondering what's going on is freaking out. But eventually she gets us turned around and slides it up on shore. We pull the cousin up on the sand and everyone is fine. Big hero. All right. Interesting. All right.

I guess he just did it all. Yeah. Wade, what would you do in this scenario? I finish unloading the fucking car, dude. Those little shits didn't help i grabbed the umbrella shove it in the sand get my blanket out grab myself a beer sit down and i wait survival of the fucking fitness daughter and niece next time you'll help unload the fucking car won't you i i don't think so they'd have to be alive apparently i I'm a good swimmer. Maybe I still got some good swimmers.

I'll make a new daughter. All right. I'm glad you remembered the detail about how you asked them to help unload the car. Most important one. Sorry, Bob. It was a very good story, but Wade wins a round. Morality is sinking. And also, I forgot the detail where I'm not supposed to tell you the points in the case before you have to trade blind.

Well, we know 50 is gone. So, you know what? All right. So, you're going to pick a case. I'm feeling nine. You're feeling nine. Okay. All right.

Now, nine. Here we go. So, I'm not going to tell you what's in the case. Do you want to trade your case for this one do i get any kind of inclination as to the choice i'm about to make or is it just purely do i want it no that's not how this game works yeah you have to choose one way or the other and you find out if it was a good choice after the fact that's the that's the thing yeah you know what no i'm gonna stick with seven i'm gonna stick with seven. All right. He's sticking with seven.

Would you like to know what was in this case? I would like to know. What do you mean, would you like to know? If Bob wants to know, then I probably shouldn't want to know. I'm opening it up. Click, click, snap, squeak. One million points. You dill hole. As an immoral person so far today, I would like to switch after the fact. Nope.

Sorry. Sorry. And just cover up the evidence later. No, it was truly a stupendous pick. It was incredible. Really, I thought you had it. Unfortunately, one million points is now out of the game. Congratulations, Wade.

Will, can you edit this in? Yeah, I'd like to keep the case nine. If you're going to edit it in, you could at least say it right. Yeah, I'd like to want the nine. Give me the nine. Give it to me and give it a nine. That's an awful lot of smack talk for someone who's been awfully moral today. I don't need to pick another case because number 23 is half a million and i'm

already winning well maybe i have the million no i don't i don't have the million never mind go on yeah no that's the thing you don't you don't i did for a second you don't all right that was a great round good job wade thank you thank you yep now way you're up next all right you are in charge of petty cash at the office. However, a coworker is responsible for making a weekly trip to the bank to make a business deposit and obtain petty cash for the following week. In a conversation with your mutual supervisor, you are asked if the increase in the petty cash amount was enough.

You, however, have not seen any additional money. You realize your coworker has been pocketing the additional money what do you do do we have like the same rank in the job or both like the same they're not like my boss or underling ranks equal ranks okay do i want to go moral this time or immoral that's a hard choice you know i'm gonna stick by my guns we're gonna keep being a bad boy we go to our co-worker and we say hey i know what you've done i've got evidence that you've been stealing from the company if you don't cut me in 50 i'm gonna turn you in and then i follow them around and i try to gather more blackmail on them because you know if they're doing this

they're doing more and then i can blackmail more and more and more until they're paying me even more than what they're siphoning from the company and then i can quit my job and just live off of the money that they're paying me on the side. All right. Good answer. I think. Anyway, Bob, what would you do? All right. I would launch a clandestine investigation.

I would do some forensic accounting. I would root around in my colleague's desk area, not necessarily breaking any laws, but just investigating, seeing if there's any evidence. I would ultimately find enough circumstantial evidence to confirm to myself that i know for a fact this person has requested the increase from our boss and then has been pocketing the difference and i am none the wiser putting me in a very compromised position i would uh compile my evidence into a thorough report i would submit this to my boss with a memo specifically stating that I have no involvement. I'm very sorry for what's gone wrong. And that no matter how heroic or noble this action may seem,

I request no rewards or promotions as a result of my thorough and thoughtful investigation of this. I would follow through on the investigation as it was carried on by either law enforcement or some internal body to the company where they would be a deposition and I would sit in and take copious notes and I would learn the truth. And then after it was all done, the employee who was stealing would be fired. I would feel terrible, so terrible that I would feel obligated to donate to their GoFundMe to help fund their young daughter's braces because she has serious need for braces and it could affect her long term. And I want her and I want her to have good things in life. And I caused her father to lose his job at this company. Whether or not

he was acting morally, it's still partially my fault. So I do my best to make good. I do what I can. I write letters of recommendation, honest letters that are not going to help this person get a job probably, but I do as they ask. And, you know, I try and be the best person that I can be. And I get no reward or benefit whatsoever. In fact, I'm punished. I'm given the responsibilities of the person who was fired. And my job basically doubles without any increase in pay whatsoever.

It's very stressful and terrible for my personal well-being, but this is the burden I bear being a good person in today's society. Should have followed my example. You had a chance. My God, that's the most moral thing I've ever heard in my life. Wid was right! Least moral! That was the least moral. So no moral more i'm just waiting for it to switch back i'm assuming it's gonna switch back oh no this show is called morals or no morals not just no

more no no morals is your opportunity to make more money maybe yeah oh don't worry bob i got this for us i'll work that in I'll work that into the next round. Okay, all right. He'll work it into the next round. Wade. Yep. Pick a case. Oh, well, we did nine before. Let's do six now and knock it out of the way.

All right. You got six. All right. Ooh. Wow. Six. Mmm. That's a case.

All right. Look at this. Well, it's not paper. It's a case. We'll put in metal case sounds effects. Mmm. That's a case. All right. Look at this. Well, it's not paper. It's a case. We'll put in metal case sounds effects. Wow. I can tell you, this case seems hefty. Would you like to switch?

Not a chance. Okay. All right. Get rid of that one pointer. Click. Squeak. Squeak. That case had a thousand points in it.

Goodbye, petty case. That's about, I think that's the middle number. Isn't that the middle number? I have no idea. Uh, isn't the middle like 25,000 or something? We go from one to a million and a thousand's a middle? I guess it could be. I have no idea. Isn't it like 25 or 50,000 or something kind of in the middle? No, actually, uh,

1,000 is dead center. Oh, well. So, pretty good. Mediocre choice, idiot. It's alright. It's okay. I think the crowd would, um... No. The other one. Cheer.

At that. Hooray! I don't know why you laughed at me, crowd. All right, Bob, it's your turn. Okay. You've worked years to be successful in your father's business. You felt you were obligated to take over as he worked his whole life to build the business left to him by his father.

However, the large businesses in town have seriously cut into profits, and for several years, you and your family have just managed to scrape by. Your father's health has declined, and he has been hospitalized. He has a substantial life insurance policy that expires at midnight. If he dies before midnight, you will inherit enough money to pursue a career you have always dreamed of and provide adequately for your family. What do you do? Do I get any information about the quality of the relationship with my father? Good. Very good. Extremely good. Okay. Well, that's where I was going to go. It's a strong relationship. It's a loving relationship. Yes.

This is a hard time for me personally, but also for my family. My father lays on his deathbed an unknown number of hours or minutes, who knows, lay before him until his life is over. I gather the family. I gather the grandchildren. They all give him some

adorable little art that they've made and get well cards and have a hug and sort of hang around. And we do a little story time. It's a very touching family moment. And then the kids go off to bed at some point into the evening. My wife and my siblings and their spouses are all there. We're all sort of sitting around. It's very solemn. just talking to dad. He's not really responding, you know, but, but he's, he's there and we're just being there. Join whatever time is left. Draws later into the evening. People start to trickle out some point. It's just me and my spouse just in the room. And eventually she's like, I'll just leave you. And I'm going to go check on the kids, whatever, going to go do something. And we're sitting there and it's been hard, but a great evening.

Everyone has had a chance to sort of say their piece. And, you know, dad is hanging on, gets to be about 11, 1140, 1145, right near the time the life insurance is about to expire. And I sit there, I sort of give my dad a knowing look, and we make eye contact for a minute i uh reach behind my seat uh tucked into my belt is dad's old revolver and i and i draw that from my belt and i hold it in my hand and i just look at it just a long look just thinking about what am i about to do what is this what is what is happening can i what what kind of man am i

and i look over at dad and he he looks back a knowing look we understand each other i take the revolver and pass it to my other hand grabbing it by the top and pointing the handle or whatever it's called the grip of the gun towards my dad without saying anything and i extend it out he can barely move at this point but he knows what needs to happen dad reaches out grips the pistol i stand up i give him one last look and then i walk out of the room i go down the hall to where my wife is waiting in our bedroom i start getting ready for bed and at 11 59 as it's about to strike midnight and the policy is about to expire. A loud pop can be heard coming from my father's bed. Everyone is shocked. We all rush in.

Where did he even get the revolver? I thought it was in the gun safe. How did he do this? He's been in bed for weeks. He can't even move. Did someone give it to him? Who did this? I am the most shocked of anyone in my family i can't believe somebody created this situation i leave the charge and investigating who could have done this who knew

how to get into the safe we can't get to the bottom of it the ambulance comes the life insurance policy is eventually collected and my family lives a great long life pretty lucky i think most of them cancel out if it's uh yeah i was gonna say self-inflicted there's a there's a self-harm carve out no the the situation was he was hospitalized but not dying no no he's dying no what happened was you brought a gun to a hospital forced it into your dad's hand made him shoot himself and then you didn't even realize there was a suicide clause in the insurance so you didn't even get the insurance you said to be less moral that was incredibly amoral and stupid and i love it dad's like son all i did was break

my leg the whole time you're like you give him a knowing look and he's like he knows all right he's like so i know that's the only way before the stroke of midnight anyway listen that was uh i i did not get the not dying part i thought you said dying yeah i was like you were at a hospital that i would go down to my wife's and ours bedroom like in the hospital so. Did you say hospitalized? Man, I didn't fucking listen for shit. God damn it. I try and be moral, doesn't work. I try and be evil, doesn't work. Hey, you know what? You were very evil and amoral, Bob.

Yeah, you were absolutely. You might have missed some details, but you were very amoral. All right, Wade. This one's tough for me because i've lived a long blessed life with my dad and i just can't imagine life with 30 seconds because we're getting no time great 30 seconds all i need okay uh well i go up to my dad's room i say dad what happened are you okay son uh i stubbed my toe and i think i might have twisted

my ankle they're gonna put a cast on i should be fine oh okay dad well you know that life insurance policy we have expires tonight but uh i guess since you're gonna be okay we can get a new one out and then i would leave all right bob well at least i won something there you go i just wanted to have a dad somewhere, okay? All right, Bob, which case would you like? 11. 11. Excellent. Excellent case pick. How does it smell?

Ooh, like a summer breeze. Ooh, fresh. Not too bad. It's got a firm rigidity to it. It's almost turgid. Like a bedroom in a hospital. Hey, they have those. I take number 11

i switch all right you're switching you fool you switched case 23 for 11 23 click click had 500 points in it that's almost the middle that's too bad you swapped for the 250 point case all i have to do is tell the most horrific story i can imagine and i am rewarded lesson learned yes you made your dad kill your dad real good yeah that was pretty horrific scenario because you were talking like i was imagining the reality of it and uh no you cannot reinvent reality of the scenario i i bent the rules for the jet ski i will not allow it any further. All right. He went in to have his tonsils removed and you made sure that was that.

If I don't listen, it doesn't really matter what you say reality is. It is what I think it is. Your dad is not dying. He is perfectly fine. But it's time to say goodbye to dear old dad. I love that jeez i don't think that's the right response i gotta be honest all right well that's why it's moral or no moral and uh the next one wade you are going first got it

your scenario your friend tells you that they committed a crime but they can't get any sleep at night because they killed someone okay how close is this friend like a best friend or like you guys friend it's your best friend it's your closest friend great okay but they can only trust you with the confession they just needed someone to tell because the weight was too heavy on their soul a few days later you read in the paper that someone else not your friend has been arrested for the murder of the person that your friend has been arrested for the murder of the person that your friend just confessed that they killed what do you do uh who's the person that died someone I know someone I like someone I hate someone just random random um man they're

good friend best friend they confided in me well if we're best friends they'd have killed this person for a reason because I wouldn't be best friends with somebody would just randomly kill probably uh and it sounds like someone's already gotten blamed for it so it's wrapped up all nice and tidy nothing for me to do all right that's an awfully succinct way to go leaning on your friend some could say that's moral we got a lot of cases i gotta be quick and on point here yeah that's true buddy let's go to the movies uh bob bob what would you do uh i would take the recording that i secretly made of my friend's confession to the police and i would uh volunteer to testify against them in court okay all right

turning your friend in is that moral or amoral who can tell this is the dilemma see wade took the route it's okay my friend must have had a reason some could consider that to be moral you took the route of your friend killed someone and turn them in could be more accidentally more moral than wade again no actually it's tough wait hold on what are we saying is moral or immoral i'm sorry did you just pause to consider if murder is worse than turning on your friend i could see wade's attitude here with trusting that your friend if it was your close friend and you consider yourself a good judge of character and have good morals and your friend must have had a reason to kill someone maybe it was accidental

maybe less moral to turn your friend in who confessed to you how could you do that to your best friend easily i just walked right over i love this show man i love this show and bob wins round all right bob i'm starting to figure it out guys in uh in the in the hopes of expediency how did they do it they i feel like i have more cases than they usually would at this point in the game do they like open a bunch of different points or something didn't they yeah didn't they open a bunch? They start off by opening, you can like open five cases early on then it gets less and less as you go.

Ah, right, that's right. Bob, you have to open three cases. Alright. And you don't get a chance to pick them. Uh, open four, seventeen, and twenty. Four, seventeen, and... Those fucking... my numbers are all over the place. Here we go! 4, 17, and 20.

Listen to the leather straps on those cases. And these... I love that I hear the paper swoosh. No, it's cases! It's metal cases! All right, so we're opening these cases. You don't have a chance to pick them. These are just out of the game. Four. Click, tick, squeak! Had four points in it oh yeah 17 click click had 250 000 points in it oh uh 20 had click click 500 000 points all right that's not what you want It's a good thing we're playing by golf rules. 1.1 win.

All right. So 500,000, 200,000, a million are now out of the game. But hey, you got four out. So if you think about it, the average is skewing downwards, but not that very hard, actually. Extremely hard. The banker would be low balling you very, very hard at the moment. Five points are on the table five points all right well that really worked out yeah yeah it did great success great success next dilemma

all right bob you're up first okay you're on a cruise ship ship encounters a storm storm rages on and on until eventually you and the other passengers are told you must head to the life boats and abandon ship as you line up you realize some lines have fewer people some have families some seem to be younger some are single people you know that you are strong and capable do you oh wait this isn't an open-ended question hold on a second do you get on a lifeboat or do you say go down with the ship? No, it can't be an A or B. It's got to be open-ended.

Unless you guys want an A or B. Do you? Do you? Do you? Yeah. Okay, how about this? You see that the line at the front of the line are families, you know, infirm people, not strong like you. You don't think you're going to make it on a lifeboat

because this particular boat does not have enough lifeboats to fit all the people on the ship. But the ship's going down. In about five minutes, it's going to be completely underwater. What do you do? Okay, easy. Easy one. I find the nearest crew member and i uh knock them unconscious i steal their crew

top shirt thing and and their life jacket and their hat so i kind of look like an official crew member uh i hide them somewhere inconspicuous it's frantic no one will notice anyway and then i run to the front of the line and i start helping i I run and I'm helping people. I'm strong. I'm virile. I'm helping people get into the lifeboats. At some point, I look into the lifeboat and I go, what? No, I'll come look at it. And then I hop into the lifeboat and then I'm in the lifeboat and I'm looking around

like I'm doing stuff. I'm helping people find their seats. I'm looking and I'm like, oh, you're here. Let me fix your life jacket. And I just adjust some straps. Eventually the lifeboat, you know, lowers down into the water, sets sail, and I'm totally fine.

Everything's good. I, whoa, come look at this. All right, Wade, you're up next. All right. What would you do? So I go and I light a fire because this boat's going down anyway. What's the fire going to do? It's a distraction.

Okay. While the fire is burning, I go and I help a family. You know, there's not a very long line. This family gets into the lifeboat and I start to lower the lifeboat with like, I imagine it's like some kind of crane system to lower it down. But I pull one of the levers. So only one half of the boat goes. The other half stays up, tipping the passengers out.

Pull the levers back up, hop in myself, drop it real quick so it lands and crushes the family so they can't say anything about what happened. And then I drive away while the fire is burning and people are moving more afraid and they don't notice what I did. the fire's burning people are moving more afraid they don't notice what i did really the coup de grace was dropping it on the people you just dumped over i really tipped the boat yeah you don't have any witnesses no jack and rose moments you know gonna really crush them hey maybe you did him a favor they might have maybe i did maybe it

was a pretty moral act by my part. Definitely was not. I don't know. It could have been. Wade Winsor. All right. Back on top, baby. All right. So you're going to pick three cases and they're going to be eliminated from the game.

To give you a reminder, you have cases. Why did I make them on sticky notes? I mean, briefcases? One, two, three. Yeah. Why did I make one two three five eight ten twelve thirteen uh hold on i'll make this easy i got my numbers already all right go for it twelve thirteen and seventeen all right twelve thirteen and seventeen was the one pick in the last round. All right, 12, 13, and two. 12, 13, and two.

Great picks, great picks. All right, click, click. Case number two had two points in it. Oh, yeah, oh, no. I don't know which is good. Very, very good. Case 12, click, click, had 100 points in it. Okay, okay, hot.

Case 13. Click, click. 25,000 points. Out the window. Okay, if I got to choose one, I was going to maybe swap to 13. It seemed like a good number for me this episode, but I'll stick with my 100,000 points I got. You're doing good. I've got way too many cases.

Good thing we're getting rid of a bunch. Yeah, but you got to pick some eventually. You can't just all be getting rid of it bunch. Yeah, but you gotta pick some eventually. You can't just all be getting rid of it. All right. But anyway. Okay. Moving on. Wade.

It's late. You're driving home. It's a bad rainstorm out there. You're trying to see in front of you, but the rain is obscuring your vision. Suddenly, a drunk man stumbles out in front of your car. You try to stop, but you hit him. Nobody is there to witness. It's in the middle of nowhere. You get out of your car. You check to see how badly he's hurt and realize he is dead. You have never even had a speeding ticket, and you are an upright professional with a family

and are well-known and respected in your community. What do you do? This guy's walking across the highway during a bad thunderstorm. He hit me. He ran into me. By the time I get through this thunderstorm, my car's gonna be washed off. So I hit the gas and I go home. That asshole dented my car.

I'm mad at him. In fact, if he finds his way back up right, I'm going to sue his ass. He's dead. I'll sue his family then. His estate. Yeah. Alright. He smells like a good lawsuit. He was just hiding the money he's really hiding in his

safety deposit box somewhere. Alright, Bob. Late night, bad rainstorm. Drunk man stumbles in front. You hit and kill him. What do you do? Uh, well, first of all, I start man stumbles in front, you hit and kill him. What do you do? Well, first of all, I start laughing the moment I realize that I hit and killed a guy. Because that's fucking funny. And just to be certain this doesn't come back on me. I'm alone in my car. I'm going to check the details.

I'm alone in my car on this, right? It's just me. Yeah, yeah, just you. Okay, and is anyone expecting me within a certain amount of time no no you're late what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna go to the grocery store and i'm gonna get a bunch of uh steaks cheap steaks and then from the grocery store parking lot i'm gonna steal the easiest looking car i'm not an, but I've hotwired some old cars and I find a nice old, you know, 90s car

and I hotwire it up and I go back to where I left the dead guy. I laugh as I pull up next to him because it's hilarious. Then I tuck all the stakes and whatnot. Some of them I tuck into his clothes and then some of them I leave like a trail in the woods,

just trying to bait some wolves in, you know, just trying to see. And then I take the car and I whip it around and I sort of half run over them and I park it. So it's kind of on top of them. And then I, uh, take, you know, just take like a handkerchief or something, use my sleeve, my coat, wipe down the car, anything I touched. I was really meticulous and, uh, leave the car anything i touched i was really meticulous and uh leave the car door open the car running no no prints from me on the body or the car or anything hoof it back to the grocery store get in my car drive home have a delicious steak dinner so you parked your car on him and then went to the grocery store again no i from the the grocery store, I left my car there and I stole a car at the grocery store, right? So I stole a car from the grocery store.

So I parked another person's car on top of the dead body. Then I walked back to my car, which is at the grocery store, and I drive home in my car. car which is at the grocery store and i drive home in my car so the the body has you know a car on it in the middle of the road that appears to have been abandoned by someone who was you know panicked after accidentally running this guy over right of course uh nothing links back to me i loved it i'm a little disappointed the stakes are just part of the cover-up i thought you were going to use the raw stakes somehow with the body and the stolen car but i it's pretty good i like it i realized after i stole the car i didn't need the steaks but i was improvising so i had them and i used them and i kept one for myself you did i do appreciate that okay i think you won that round when you started laughing from the show's called moral immoral

it's just the more immoral the better because i'm with bob i thought it was going to be 50 i tried to have more no that was the whole point if you have morals you don't have a chance to win money now i get it that's what it is all i want is money i guess that is the point that is well points not money there's no money actually you're not going to win any money i want to be very clear about that there's no money actually happening i don't't know. I heard money mentioned. Can we get that? I heard we were promised some kind of money. Okay, Bob, I will give you an option. Okay.

You can either pick a case to swap your case or you can eliminate three cases. I want to eliminate some more cases. All right. We're eliminating cases. Give me the three lowest numbers, like one like one three and four or whatever it is okay that would be one three and five right now okay all right case number one click click 750 all right okay good good case number three click click 25 oh yeah that seems low too that seems low too case number five click click 50 000 ah that seems a little higher we even got rid of

the point one yet have we one point is still out there somewhere. Somewhere floating in the ether. In Bob's case. In your box. Oh, yeah, that's right. It's in your box. I'm too immoral to only have one point in my box. All right. So it all comes down to this.

This is the final round, everybody. Okay. I only... I only... No. I only have so many. Thank you. How terribly appropriate.

All right. So, who's going first again? Bob? I'll be first, yeah. Okay. All right, Bob. You have a teenager, and they've had a rough few years. First, they were arrested for shoplifting. It was an item of little value, only a misdemeanor. But then your teen was with some friends who were

smoking pot and driving way too fast. Your teen has promised they're turning over a new leaf and seem to be on the right track, doing better in school, coming home by curfew, and generally having a much better attitude. But you then get a call from the local police station saying that your son was with a group of kids who broke into a liquor store and stole beer. What do you do? Well, the first thing I do is go pull up the GPS app I installed on my son's phone secretly and have a look at what he's been doing

and confirm that he was, in fact, at the liquor store on the night that the police uh seemed to think of course i get that all packaged up nice and neat to hand over to the police officers uh but first i go to a sporting goods store and i get a ski mask and a baseball bat and then i wait until my son sneaks out of the house and he's going to do some shenanigans chase him down and now now mind you i'm just trying to scare him he's he's with his buddies they're goofing around they're they're drinking they're doing bad stuff i pull up next to their parked car where they're having some beers get out with the ski mask and

the baseball bat and in a weird voice that would prevent my son from understanding that it was definitely me and somehow i'm not in my car either i yell at them you break into my liquor store and you steal from me and i just fucking destroy the car with the baseball bat and the whole time i hit it and i'm like that's from them that's for my store you can't steal from me you think you can steal from two-toes johnny and i just fucking just destroy the shit out of this car even though it's not my son's car just just and then i once the cars so these kids are freaked out they're all grouped up they're backing away as i destroy the car as soon as i'm happy with the car and i feel like they're freaked out i turn at them with the baseball bat still raised all dinged up and the cars like flashing and broken

and i looked at them like you never come in my store again and then i take the ski mask off and i go brandon get in the car we're going to the police station and i take him to the police station and i give him the gps information and he goes to jail probably did you take your mask off in front of the people yeah no just like i literally am holding the bat at them and before i say anything i'm holding the bat at them. And before I say anything, I'm holding the bat and I'm like... And then I just stop, deadpan, take the mask off, and I'm like, Brandon, get in the goddamn car.

Whose car did you just beat the shit out of? Was that your son's? One of his stupid friends. I don't care if they know I did it. I don't give a shit. Two-toes Johnny! You think you can steal from me? Can I get fan art or like a Photoshop a shit. Two-toes Johnny! You think you can steal from me? Can I get fan art or like a Photoshop

of Bob as Two-toes Johnny? Like with a face tattoo or something. Oh, God. All right. Well done. Well done. Wade,

what would you do in this? They stole some beer. I drank the beer. Pretty simple, dude. The kids stole the beer they already drank it what do you think they did with it oh if they did something with it then i'm gonna do something with them they stole beer and stored it for later so all right so here's what happens you just drink your son stole a beer that's it no no no no no it's an opportunity did you just

pop her in reverse to go back and back this is an opportunity they stole beer daddy-o better gotten a cut of the beer that they stole and uh they get caught daddy they're gonna be in trouble but it also presents another opportunity because if they got a criminal record then well their life's already gone but mine isn't so i can uh let them keep doing their crap as long as i get a cut and i'll start a ring with him and his friends where, you know, they come. They deliver their product to me. They go out. They do their thing.

They get caught. They mention my name. They're dead. They don't mention my name. We're good. It's like a pitch for the new TV show Breaking Dead. Breaking Dead. Oh, man.

I don't know. I think, Bob, your idea would work better for a show called breaking dad um i gotta i gotta say bob wins around yes i think he was more moral i think he should win that voice was too good but i think he taught his son a lesson whereas i manipulated mine into a permanent life of crime no you merely threatened to kill bob actually pummeled the shit out of someone's car that he did not know and and scared them with physical violence and then had the insanity to then reveal himself to then thereby making him scarier because who would do that yeah only a true psychopath would do that yes a dad mark you and i know we've had them we've had dads we know what they're like yeah you're right we are the ones to

judge what is dad like behavior yeah yeah yeah anyway and i i still say bob wins that round all right i can't argue with two toes johnny that exit was too good i'll give him the win too bob this is the last round. There's no point in eliminating cases any further. I will give you an option to pick a case or even... No, that'd be too... I was going to say you could pick Wade's case, but I'm like... I want Wade's case. You want this?

You want this number seven? Give it to me. I want Wade's case. He knew I was going to take number seven. It's only one point. Are you sure? You can pick any one of the case here. Keep your case.

Give me Wade's case. Lock it in. Final answer. Final answer. Take that one point. Wade, are you okay with that? Oh, yeah. I know it's the one point.

He can have it. I want it. All right. All right. And so you guys, Bob had changed at some point to case 11 from his initial pick. I don't remember what the initial pick was. 23. But Wade had case 7.

So now, Wade, you have case 11. And Bob, you have case 7. Okay, what cases are left? Game's over. I'm just stuck with Bob's case. You didn't win. You don't get to do nothing. Yeah.

I don't get any choice whatsoever. Okay, got it. I just chose who wins. All right. on enjoy your one point bob did effectively choose who won now this is a hard-fought round hard-fought game uh i am proud of both of you for stooping to low low morals to get those sweet delicious meaningless points wade you just had your case that has been with you the entire round. The one you've held close to your heart. The one that you gave up a million points to keep.

Yeah. And now it is in Bob's hand. You know, it hurts. It hurts a little bit. That case I've been through a lot, but at least I'll always have the memory of dropping that lifeboat on that family. Yeah, you will always have that.

So, Wade, it is with a heavy heart. I ask you to open. And I'm going to send you a picture of it so you know I'm not bullshitting. Great. I'm not making this up. I love it. I'm sending you a picture. I mean, you can kind of see the other side of this one.

But trust me, this is what it is. Okay. I can't wait. All right. I'm going to send you a picture so you can open this yourself. I'm excited'm excited oh that would have been fun if i sent you pictures of the ah i should have done that it's fine you can imagine we're imagining along with the audience i'm not sending this to bob i am just sending this to you wade or and bob is the group chat okay i don't know i won't look it doesn't matter okay our group just fine all right wade you can see what's on the other side

of the case i think eventually whenever it pops in, we'll definitely see it. There it is. All right. Yep. Wade, please open the case. All right. Kerklunk, Kusweek, Squeaky. Man, what is this number?

It doesn't feel like it has enough digits, Mark. This feels like less than three digits i thought for sure that uh k7 was gonna be the one pointer but this one at least it's a double digiter this what is a 75 75 points yes oh man that's good chances, baby. You know, it's okay, because 75 still beats one, Bob. 75 still beats one. Oh, well, we'll see, I guess. Yeah, we'll see about that. All right, Bob, you picked Wade's case.

Basically, Wade's baby. He loved that case. He loved it like it was his own because it was. But now you have case number seven. I would like you to say a few words before you open this case. I just feel like I got a late start in this game. I didn't catch on to it was supposed to be evil. I was trying to be the good guy and that really shot me in the foot a little bit. But I think if I could win by basically stealing Wade's win directly from him, that

would be both a very satisfyingly immoral way to win and well-deserved because I am awesome. All right. Well spoken, Bob. Please open your case. No way. No shot. What's in the case?

Well, the front seems to have a seven on it, which is accurate. Oh, I'm glad you sent another one for clarification. Oh, thanks. I'm so glad that you sent that. You know what, Wade? You really are a loser. I just want you to know that, okay?

You are a loser, and you always will be. Okay. And my case has one point in it. I knew it! I knew he would stack has one point in it. I knew it! I knew he would stack the one behind the seven! It literally your first pick and I have them all here. I can show you.

I wrote everything down to be accurate. I knew it. You picked the one pointer from the beginning. Your second pick was the million. Like, oh, did you do that? No! I am the ultimate gamer. I know exactly how to set myself up to fail.

And at a stupendous considering that these are some of the lowest values in the game, Wade wins 75 points to one point. Unbelievable. It actually is. I didn't want to do the you swap with Wade, but then you suddenly were so excited about it.

I wanted it. You really did, man. You really did. You should have known better. The seven was going to be cursed. Is that intentional? Did you know I'd go for seven? No. Well, I just put seven because I'm like, eh, people, when they go one to ten, I think seven is the most common. But it was 24, so I was like, eh, I'll still do and there we go. Chuck, I don put seven because I'm like people and when they go one to ten I think seven is the most common this but it was 24 so I was like I'll still do there you go Chuck

I don't even remember what I put for a million. What was Bob's first case number? What was that? Oh, yeah What do you pick 23? Yeah God oh my fucking post-it notes are the worst Where did you switch to? Just open the briefcase that has a 23 on it. Yeah, yeah, this is so big and heavy, I gotta move them around and whatnot. Where the fuck did it go? Oh, no.

It's because they're forward and backwards, so I'm like 12. Well, I guess while you're doing that, what were the lowest numbers? One, obviously, is the lowest. Was 75, like, number two or three lowest? It was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 10, 25, 50, 75, 100, and then it went up quickly from there. So there were more low numbers than there were high numbers. So we didn't have the two lowest cases. Yeah, 23 had 500 points.

Ah, damn it. Yeah. So, well done, gang. Well done. Wait. Wait. Hooray! Thank you. Thank you, audience. Thank you. points ah damn it yeah so uh well done gang well done wade hey wait thank you thank you audience thank you i'm a piece of shit human being and therefore i deserve this win of the piece of shit human being yeah congratulations wade that was an excellent speech bob do you have anything you'd like to say anything i learned from this it's that there's no reason to be a good person

in this world or there's just no reason to steal from Wade might as well be a dirtbag Because at least you can have fun doing it You know honestly Bob that moral lesson was an episode that we did wasn't it like you lost face in humanity? And we were trying to convince you that there was a point. Yeah believing in humanity Yeah, you can host that episode next time we do it This is bad morals or no morals thank you for tuning in i would love to see fan art on the discord of two toes johnny uh as soon as possible i hope to see you all on a cruise very soon i forgot that you lit a fire

the fire seemed totally superfluous i didn didn't really seem to add. It was already a sinking ship. I needed something else for them to look at while I tipped the boat. Yeah, well, well done. You're both terrible people, and I win. You made us this way. I did. I did make you this way. In one episode, we saw Bob's villain art complete.

Oh, God. Oh, no. Fuck it. remember to uh favorite subscribe download these episodes to listen later uh the hardest listener will win some kind of a prize the subreddit if you will go there you will see other hard listeners uh listening intensely and uh you will be among them very soon. Thank you. Follow Bob, MySkirm. Follow Wade, LordMinion777. Follow me, Markiplier. And stay tuned for more episodes coming at you very soon.

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