Distractible - Why Animal There?

Episode Date: August 18, 2023

Bird hit window. Mouse in pool. Raccoon with... Grandma? Some time animal in place it shouldn't. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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This week, it's Dr. Dolittle time, as the gents discuss our furred and feathered friends. Psychotic Scooby Wade gives the ultimate sanction to Mole. Criticalling Mark admits his mood can summon the Grim Reaper. And bug-crushing Bob divulges his experience with stalking possums. From skyrim stealth pooping to hawk-induced

deceleration trauma and sack-squatch. Yes. It's time for Why Animal There? Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I'm today's hostess with the mostess, Wade. Joined by as always, I said it, by my co-hosts, Mark and Bob. Hi, guys.

Hello. Baz, how are you? Baz, good to have you. Baz, always. I could redo things to try to make it sound better, but I decided not to because, well, it's me. You look confused, Mark. What's confusing about this?

I don't know. Just like you said, the vibes. I feel like you and me, Bob, we're always on the same wavelength. We're like right vibe in the beginning of the episodes. We're always like this. So why should you give Bob all your points because you're just taking it from his vibe? I don't know if it matters what I say, whether I win or lose. So fuck you.

You know what, Mark? Two points to you. You're winning. No. Keep my ass. Fuck you. Fuck you. Bob, your name is Wade now because I put Mark and Wade instead of Mark and Bob.

So just suck my ass. After class. Or class? After episode. Teacher. ass. Uh, after class or class after episode teacher, teacher. Yes, Bob. My ass. My ass.

Look at my ass. I'm going to move on from this bit before I get canceled to the curb. Uh, but welcome to the show. Everyone. If you've never been here before one person host to the two people compete for points. Can you pat my head? Call me a good boy.

Good boy. See, that's worse see that's worse why would you do that and not want worry about being canceled there well because i'm probably a psychopath i could see it i could do it yeah in any case uh one of them will win they'll host the next episode i can talk about what i want but first small talk time i'm glad we just announced that now we don't try to like subtly like imply like how are you guys doing it's like we literally just like small talk time. I'm glad we just announced that now. We don't try to subtly imply, like, how are you guys doing? It's like we literally just, like, small talk segment. It's a segment of the show. It's a predetermined segment.

It was never a mystery. We always just tried to do better transitions. But we literally just jump randomly from topic to topic. I suppose that's fair. So in honor of our segment, talk smallly about what's new uh uh points are at stake james takes man poops james is my baby he takes man poops like steals them or has big poops some of his poops smell like baby poops which which is not not one singular smell but there's like a it's like a vibe that baby poops give off. Like puppy breath. Some of his poops

smell like a full-grown man took a dump into a baby's diaper. It's horrific. Have you ever pranked him and taken a poop in his diaper and then tried to frame him for it? Once, but I got caught. I want to go on the record and say I've never stolen any poop in my life. There's no

poop stealing, there's poop giving. The sneaky giving away of poop, Mark poop stealing, there's poop giving. The sneaky, sneaky giving away of poop, Mark. No, never done that either. It's like whenever you're stealthing in Skyrim or something and you try to place a poop on someone's person to frame them as the pooper. Like when they're sitting on the toilet? When is this occurring?

You stealth up behind them and then you equip poop in your left hand and then you clap your left hand on their back so you smear the poop and kill them. Like the Jarls giving his big speech about the dragons and you're like poopy the trick is you put a bucket on their head first and then you can cover them in all the poop you i don't want to talk about that i hate this conversation fuck you mark minus two points for not cooperating with that conversation you guys are both tied at zero again i'm glad so what's new with you james is taking man poops. Mark, what's new with you?

I take man poops every day. You don't see me bragging about it. All right. Two points to Bob for bragging about his baby's man poops. What a four point swing that was. I think that just because the only thing I've done is live, eat and breathe and edit doesn't mean that I shouldn't get points for that. That's fair. Two points to you. Okay, cool. Yeah.

Bob talked about his baby for like months there. Every week I like talking about his baby. I want to talk about editing a movie. You have been talking about editing a movie. You talk about it all the time. Yeah, I know, right? I want to talk more about it. Like almost as much as I talk about my baby.

More maybe even. I talk about what? Moving and not putting up foam panels? Is that right? I can't believe how long it's been since you were supposed to have foam panels and don't still. It has been quite a while. Trust me. They are ready to go up.

I said that last episode. Uh-huh. But based on our attire, can you tell how long it's been since we recorded last episode, dear viewers? The thing is you could literally take two seconds and drag them into your office, and it would dramatically improve the sound environment. Oh, you silly fool. Yeah, that has nothing to do with your ability to drag foam in there. Me being a fool does not apply to your predicament.

I have a torn shoulder. Foam is very light. That torn shoulder was a year ago it had to have healed by now was that really a year ago it was july i think of last year yeah i've had perfect vision for over a year now and i've done everything in my power to change that since i was gonna say slash back to the image of you looking super cracked out just staring at the camera yeah did i did i tell anyone that like shingles almost spread to my eye did i say that oh no i think you might have off camera i don't

know if you said it to the viewers maybe yeah so i talked about like me getting shingles which was hilarious to sounding not fun in the execution of it um but it can spread to your eye um and and it's like it usually just stays on the one side of your body but it can it can spread to different parts of your body and i started to get it in my eye and that was extremely concerning it'll do damage to nerves and blind you yeah exactly but i caught it all very early so it's all good now um and my vision is still very perfect well that's that's good and also scary yeah can you stop, horrifically injuring yourself and or getting crazy diseases

for, like, a year? Just, like, take it easy for a year. I don't know how. All right, two points to Mark for brutal honesty. You just want to see if your body could take being healthy and uninjured for a while.

My body's been able to handle everything so far, so it's not like that'll ever catch up to me. The limit does not exist. The limit does not exist the limit does not exist didn't you break an ankle locking your dog i don't know if your body has held up super well you know great or whatever it was it wasn't just or no you were stepping down a curb

or something yeah i will say that like i i feel like that was partially caused by the type of shoe i was wearing because i was wearing one of those sock shoes, you know, with that has no ankle support. It's basically like a, it's the illusion of a slipper. And so when you roll, there's nothing standing in the way. And actually I feel like the stretchy fabric leveraged my foot in a way that caused it to wrench it even harder than it otherwise would have. I literally think so so so i don't know if that's entirely uh my fault also i feel like i had some my diet is basically just cheese and salami yeah it's literally blocks of cheese and salami and i feel like ordinarily you'd think like oh

the calcium but i feel like there's various other nutrients that are not included in cheese and salami uh that your body needs on a daily basis like two maybe like two i actually want i'm curious about that what was in their site like a nutrition of what nutrients doesn't salami and cheese have okay here we go fooddata.gov here we go okay so you got like it's got macro nutrients got calcium iron not much iron a little bit of magnesium tiny these are tiny well if you eat enough of it those amounts add up yeah you see more of salami and cheese is there any resource that like shows you if you plug in a food it'll show you what's missing because that that's probably more helpful it sounds like a thing that should exist i would yeah i would guess maybe is the answer what a strong commitment wade i'm gonna say definitely i think that might maybe exist

that's why they call me fence rider rate raid fence rider raid scooby doo is announcing this episode well what's new with you wade the host never gets a small talk, except all the time. But how are you? How's it going? Very busy. It turns out, when you move into a new house, if you have, like, let's say, three trips planned to travel around the country, and you also have, like, six groups of people who want to travel to see your new house, and they come to visit back to back to back to back to back to back, you don't have a lot of downtime to do things other than prepare for the next group such as wash and dry your foam panels so you can hang them up excuses i like it it was a little bit tricky we had to order a new vacuum or i need to get like a shop vac i think they're called shop vacs like the stronger vacuums that clean up like more heavy duty messes. When they did this office, they did a good job of cleaning up the office inside.

But the other parts of the basement they put the office in, they did not clean up all the drywall dust and little like sticky black ooze spots. I don't even know what those are. And there's just like little metal pieces that look like non-sharp nails without the heads. They're just like metal crooked rods everywhere and those are just kind of laying all over the unfinished part of the basement and they look like staples but they're like there's no it's like long one long side of a staple and they're all like that so i don't really know what the hell they are they're like pins just big metal pins but there's like all kinds of crap like that we cleaned up we actually did

clean it all up but it took some time to like scrub all the sticky whatever the hell it was out and all the other things. Because we want to use the unfinished part as a storage area for all the boxes from the other house that are just like, I don't know, yearbooks and childhood memories and things like we did hold on to. Stuff you don't need, but you're going to keep. Stuff, yeah. Stuff you don't need, but like you say you're going to throw it away. And then you look at it and you're like, fuck! And then you keep it anyway and you move it we have all that stuff to put in the storage room now but that also just finding time for all that we got like the top two floors of the house like

ready the upstairs and the main floor the basement those boxes need to be cleaned up and then we're pretty much fully moved in minus just a couple little things like office panels we've been pretty good just really busy molly's parents visited we got friends in town. My aunt's coming into town for a family reunion here in a couple weeks. And there's just been a non-stop kind of revolving door of company, which is really nice. We love having people here. But Molly and I have not had a week straight

of just living in our house. We just haven't had that yet. So we've made tons of memories in a month of being here, but no time to actually just exist. Boohoo! Oh reason like a month of being here but no time to actually just like exist yeah boohoo oh no i've been busy 16 hours a day all i do is wake up and work and oh no you have friends over oh you have fun times to be had the difference is mark i Mark, I kind of, um, I think I work to live. I think you

live to work. You think I'm happy? No. I've had three consecutive hours of sleep one night in the last month. Oh, here we go again with the baby. Oh, this guy with his baby. Alright. Moving with the baby. Can't be that hard i just

moved without one and i'm fine i'm glad you interrupted me that was really messed up that was about to make a prostate cancer joke but that's oh i'm also glad i interrupted you then glad you didn't say that i don't know why i'm turning into mickey mouse yeah you wouldn't want to be canceled yeah for that come on save your career here anyway i have a baby and he doesn't sleep i thought he was sleeping better is he back to not sleeping the whole moving across the country ruining his schedule changing time zones by three hours thing really didn't jive with him just barely starting to get into a routine we're basically totally fucked back at square zero with him sleeping consistently

and helping us out with that yeah because if you're trying to put your kid to sleep at like seven or eight o'clock and then all of a sudden seven o'clock becomes 11 o'clock seven or eight o'clock listen this kid stays up till midnight okay this kid does not fuck around so this kid's got my schedule he's like 3 a.m baby babies are supposed to go to bed at like eight o'clock nine o'clock something like and sleep for like 12 out he does are supposed to go to bed at like 8 o'clock, 9 o'clock, something like that, and sleep for like 12 hours. He does not want to go to bed until like 11 o'clock, midnight. When he was really little, he would stay up until 2, crying, and then fall asleep at 2, and then sleep until like maybe like 9, and then wake up and get back to it. And people are like, oh, you just need a schedule.

You just need a routine. You just need a routine. You just need a bedtime routine. We've tried all that. We're familiar with what all of the resources say to do. He just doesn't sleep. He doesn't like sleep. We got like a weird broken baby who thinks he's an 18 year old

who doesn't like to go to bed. I hope he eventually gets on a schedule for you and then like someone shows up and they're just like, see, I told you. Anytime you have something that goes wrong, I just imagine that guy showed up and they're just like see i told you anytime you have something that goes wrong i just imagine that guy showed up and just the subreddit guy it's the subreddit guy he works for woes that marks that's a reference to our classic episode bob's fringe remember the

guy who came and measured and is like see i told you oh i told you there should be a shut off valve for the water i told you i see i see it's like the one episode we've done that i can like quote because i've seen like the animations and listened to it so many times because that just makes my day hearing mark and i just laugh for an hour while you rage out i woke up today to still more tweets asking me how my fridge is that will be the rest of your life it does not go away welcome to my shut up wait era that one was a little meaner but i feel i feel the vibes that you had to live with it was meaner but there was less like actual trauma associated with it whereas your fridge was truly like a horrifying experience whereas shut up way was just something we said while gaming which was fine because you guys the new fridge at the new

house seems to be working perfectly and i'm never buying another one fridge saga over but what will go wrong we had ants we had to get rid of a bunch of ants and they were like the little ants the old house we had like little ants so we could buy the little ant bait traps this was like the big like carpenter ants if you have a bunch of big carpenter ants there's no like kind of seeing them it's like like you see them everywhere because they're fucking enormous even that's not so bad though ants aren't so bad ants are bad what are you talking about i mean you can't take care of it mark what do you thought you didn't have ants we're talking about the thing is like with ants is is taking care of it is almost like a fumigation level thing. Once they find their way in, they don't ever want to leave.

And they always find a way back in. You, like, cover the entrance that they came in with every kind of poison, every trap possible. They will overflow your traps with bodies and then climb over them to get to the one piece of meat you left the single slice of salami that's in the middle of the island in your kitchen they'll go for it they will go through anything to get that one piece of meat and then bring it back so they can be celebrated by the queen who poops out a few more babies as soon as you crawl back with poison and die in the cave i just imagine that piece of salami sitting on your counter covered in ants

and you're like oh what do i do to get rid of them and you leave the salami but you go and you put poison and stuff everywhere else and you like come back and they're still on the salami like oh they're still here what do i do to get rid of these ants i've tried everything They're still here. What do I do to get rid of these ants? I've tried everything. But ants is a nice segue because the topic I want to talk about today is animals in places they shouldn't be. I have an interesting story.

Molly texted this today. It's an old story. It's from 2019. But the story goes, this is from time.com a dutch bird was spotted the scene of a crime and police evidently had a lot of fun dueling out a punishment they arrested the bird and put it in a cell with bread and water and then in the photo to protect the bird's identity they put a black bar over the bird's eyes in the crime photo i saw this this is very funny and that prompted me to think about like times that animals have just been in places they shouldn't

and i've got a couple of tales to tell but i thought i would open up the door for you all to talk about experiences like ants if you want but funnier ones too like we had a squirrel in the house at one point raccoons in the house. My grandma, speaking of salami, would take lunch meats and she would try to lure in woodland creatures into our house in our older years because she thought they were cute and wanted them in our house. So she was trying to lure a family of raccoons into our back door in my childhood home growing up because she wasn't all there anymore and she wanted a raccoon in the house. That doesn't sound great.

Was she ever successful no we caught her and we had to figure out ways to convince her that having a raccoon in the house might be a bad idea but our cat keeters he's 16 years old now uh he used to go and catch things like mice and bring them in the house alive so he could toy with them while they tried to flee for their lives because he's also a psychopath blood sport nice so we've had our share of times um i had a german shepherd that managed to get out of a dog crate that was still locked when he got out of it get into my car and destroy the interior of my car and that's where i found him one day was just pieces of leather of my interior falling all around as he couldn't get out of the car he knew how to open the car door from the outside but not the inside arrested birds dogs and cars raccoons in the back door sometimes animals get to where they

shouldn't be and whether it's a personal story you guys look it up i don't really care but i just figured a nice wholesome pet topic or animal topic i have one that's a real quick one um from right before we moved actually um our our house we moved from, out of, had a fenced-in yard, and it was like a tall fence, like a six-foot fence. And it was designed in a way where little squirrels and animals could walk across the top of it, because you could climb down from trees onto it. So that would happen a lot. Squirrels would use the fences to run around. But also, sometimes possums would use them. Even though I thought possums were really more of like a ground animal.

Like they don't do possums climb trees. I don't know. I've only ever seen them on the ground, but I imagine they can. I don't know. Wait, no. That's a whole thing about possums dangling from trees by their tails. Oh, that is true. That's a whole thing.

Is it? I don't know. That's a whole thing. Anyway, I always imagine them just more like mice, like they live on the ground. So it always freaked me out to see possums on the fence. But one of the last nights we lived in that house, one of our bathrooms, the one I used in the middle of the night,

was like on the back corner. And it had a window that looked out right at the fence. And the fence was maybe like 10 feet away, like pretty close. And I would like to keep that window open because it would get a good cross breeze. So that window is open and I go to the bathroom and I'm standing in the bathroom peeing in the middle of the night. And I look out the window and there's just a possum on the fence 10 feet away from my face, standing there staring at me. And I'm just like, huh. Okay.

And so I like, I finished peeing and I try to not, I try not to move, right? I try not to spook it. And so I finished peeing. It stops hearing the noise. And at some point, I don't know if it didn't see me or if it assumed I was just playing possum also or something. Like I wasn't moving or anything. And he was just like, okay, he's gone and started to like relax and move and then i took one like i took a breath and i was just like oh and he was like

me and this possum had like a weird like stare down situation i wasn't gonna do anything he was just on the fence but he he was absolutely terrified i don't think he could see me or what but they have like good night vision because they're kind of they're nocturnal right or i don't know it's just weird like he wasn't he's allowed to be there it was outside on the fence but he's just he was terrified and i was just like go away like shoo don't i'm peeing you know leave me alone so i don't even know if that counts i mean he wasn't he wasn't in a place where he wasn't supposed to be but it was just a weird in your mind he was it was a weird interaction because he was like what's happening in that window and i was just like i'm sleepy

why isn't there an opossum why is there a four a.m opossum on my fence what's happening did you ever get up at the same time and find him there like habitually no well i don't know if it was the same one but another possum was on the fence in the backyard. And one time we let Lexi out and she immediately spotted it and ran and jumped. It was on a fence where she couldn't reach it, but she started barking and sprinting and jumped at the fence and scared this possum so bad

that it fell off the fence into our yard. And as soon as it hit the ground, it fell over and then got to its feet and did that thing that possums do where it's like kind of like hissy noise sure that wasn't a cat no it was definitely a possum oh they do do hissy noises they do hissy things we're learning a lot about possums as a group here as soon as that happened and the possum started hissing lexi went from like barking like she was gonna murder it to being like oh hey I thought I didn't I'm gonna go and she like very casually walked back over to me and was like we should go inside

I was like I didn't think so dog you don't have it in you anyway we had a lot of possums in California I've never seen a single possum in my life. I don't think in real life anyway. Really? Yeah. Where would I have seen that? They're kind of reclusive, but they're around. Like if you really look for them, there are a lot of possums around. I told you guys about the raccoon in the middle of the night story, the two fighting, I think a long time ago. I feel like i attract the fog of death there are many animals that die around me and i feel like that is partly you know explained in places that they shouldn't be and i guess the shouldn't be is around me birds fly into our windows a lot um they do that at an alarmingly high rate how many bird strikes do you guys experience? There was one at the last house we lived in.

There was one big blue jay who had serious beef with one of our windows. It wasn't like he would fly into it accidentally. He would come up to the window and grab onto the screen with his claws and just like bam bam bam with his head and his whole body i don't i've never seen another bird do that and i don't know why this one was that way but that was the that's the only bird i've ever had fly into any window in any house i've ever lived in so i don't know what's wrong with the birds in your area mark ours do it the old house daily like we had birds daily flying to the windows of the old house daily i think it might have partially been because molly had bird

feeders on the deck and i think when birds would just like fly around or get scared of each other they would think that the window because the way that the sun hit our windows were very reflective outside so it probably looked like a reflection of the trees they probably thought they could fly through it they weren't attacking it but they would just like get freaked out daily might be a slight exaggeration but it was at least several times a week like it was very frequent you'd hear a donk oh okay so you're you're the summoner a summoner of death not me then ours didn't die they were always fine they never died on their windows ours died every time oh my god what kind of windows did your windows have turrets no i'm just saying they came at it with more speed

I guess maybe having a bird feeder close by means that they don't get it. Yeah, they would hit it That sounded bad, but they always flew off. Yeah, I think it's just because like we're where we are There's a there's like a path through that they kind of want to dive into But the thing is they only get summoned by sadness uh so if there's ever any reason to be sad which isn't terribly often but like you know if you're having like a uh get some bad news you read some saturday having a tough conversation you know boom yeah without fail without fail the sadness summoned bird to die you have a sitcom that birds are watching when things get dramatic they're like jerry you're up for the team that's weird yeah it's weird so i wasn't

gonna say it happened daily or even weekly i thought like a few times a year was like an abnormally high number of bird strikes but wait is there causing the birdpocalypse our birds hit the windows very often at the other house this one i don't we've not had one yet the other house like i don't know if it was the bird feeders and reflection but like all the time very frequently here like doink it's like one would hit and take off also we we we we have a pool right so we have this thing called a frog rescue or amy got it it's like it's it's something that floats but it has like a little bridge that goes up so that if a critter gets into the pool it can have a space to climb out and without fail without fail because we have that and then like a hot tub uh so we have that it's in one we'll find

a dead mouse in the other yeah we move it over to the hot tub find a dead mouse in the pool we move it over to there have you thought about getting a second one? I know! I know! I know! A crazy solution. I know! I know! Quit being sad and cheap, Mark. Animals are

dying around you. I know! The rules of that company that make that product are you may only have one and you have to choose who lives and who dies it's a weird legal agreement that i had to sign in blood but i abide i abide the price against it is just too high when i pierced my finger and my drip of blood fell onto the scroll, the guy was all, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, and then disappeared in a puff of smoke. And I was like, that's weird.

To be fair, you don't really know how many it's saved. So if you see something dead in one, you move it. Like the mouse that's been using the pool was like, that fucking idiot died the other night. I know this one's safe. He hops in. He's like, oh, shit, where is it? That's the thing, right?

Because I'm sure it's saving a lot. I'm sure it's saving them. But at the same time, it's just like... Every time you move it, there's some guy who's like, ah, time for a dip in the old pool. Splash. Wait a minute. Wait. Where's my island?

So what we do is we actually have like the one in one and then we have this big flotation device in the other. So at the very least, like if we wake up and then we see it has an island to climb on. So that that is like kept the death at bay for a little bit longer. But turns out there's some wind where we are. Have you seen it's like a big Maui mat? It's like this big thing. It's a big flat foam thing. If wind picks up, that thing will take off like a kite.

It will literally lift off the water somehow and then just and it's been like laid up against like the trees. It's been on the roof. One mouse hops on the mat and it's like, oh, thank God I'm saved. And the wind picks it up and splats it against the fucking tree and then it goes back to the window and they go down it's like a pilgrimage it's a rite of passage to make it through mark's yard and survive i do feel like there's a high amount of death there was uh because where we are also there's hawks around so So there's lots of hawks and, and Amy's always worried. Cause there's like, they're going to scoop up Henry.

And I'm like, Henry is 45 pounds. I don't know. He's a pretty big dog for that. I don't think that's, I don't think he's going to get scooped up. Even if two together, I, even our wiener dogs, it's like 16 pounds is a lot for a team of four hawks drops down with the net and they lure henry to stand in the center of it and the moment he puts his mouth around the pupperoni located at the center of the net the one of them is just like caca and they take off in flight in pattern it could happen it could

happen you know i'll start using tools the world gets a lot scarier those la hawks are highly organized i really do think it was like four hawks in a trench coat that made me sign that blood pack to only have a one so they can have a supply the real clue is when they sign the document with their beak but what i often think is so these hawks like they they love this area it must be good hunting grounds or something like that um because they'll just drop things also. Oh, neat. And they, you know, when like small critters drop from height, it's not good for them.

Like a water balloon. No, it's not good for them. So it's like not only or occasionally we'll find like the most random assortment of meat that was just like on the ground and feathers will just, it's also apparently hawks hate owls and owls hate hawks. They hate each other. And so they fight each other at all, at all times. And I swear when I say that this is a land of death, I, I mean it. We once like we're walking the dogs and like a Chica found something very interesting and I saw just like two big owl legs sticking out of a bush that were just like, like, we're walking the dogs and, like, Chica found something very interesting. And I saw just, like, two big owl legs sticking out of a

bush that were just, like, like the Wizard of Oz, you know, when the house landed. The bush landed on the owl? Well, that's the thing. It looked like that. You look in the bush, it's just legs. And there's nothing attached to the legs. Oh, no. God. But it was just so almost comically, like, just

sticking out from the bush as just these two claws like big claws um and you look in you're like well fuck me holy shit it's just like a horror show so yeah the hawks run this area and actually you know what maybe the hawks chase the birds in the windows oh that could be yeah before we get too far away from it i just want to say this because i thought of it and i can't think of a a conversational way to bring it up but when you said the hawks and the owls hate each other yeah all i could think of is oh it must be the hawk fields and the mcaowls i'm glad you got that way thank you i appreciate it i did the hat fields and mccoy's mark oh classic family feud yeah the shakespeare fields and the mcowell's okay that's a my level

pun so i appreciate it i i wanted to like naturally just work that in and i i couldn't it's hard that's a hard one to just drop yeah i appreciate it though you know what bob points that's why i did it i knew you'd like that way pure manipulation i'm afraid of like just hanging out in margaret's yard now i'm afraid like you go out there with a drink and like just a meat chunk drops in your drink like oh and you look at your feet and there's just a bird splatter that hit the window and you're like oh i'm just gonna get into the pool to get away from this shit you get in the pool just like a whole bunch of mice bubble up and start floating on the surface yeah it's real uh it's real 13 plagues or whatever number it was you know how many plagues was you look up in the tree there's hawks holding a net just sitting on a branch waiting for someone to walk under it they stare

that's the thing they stare at you they they swirl above. They just like circle talking to each other. And occasionally they'll get like, you'll see like smaller bird chasing down a hawk, like attacking it. Cause it's like probably the hawk has it's, it's made in its claw or something like that. But yeah, it's, it's wild out here. It's wild.

I wonder how big of an animal a hawk can pick up. Cause I worry about Keter. Keter's is like six pounds. Keter seems hawkable. He's kind of big, but he's real skinny he is really skinny he's always been skinny he's like six or seven pounds and he always has been the dogs get like 15 16 pounds and i was worried about them but i doubt that a hawk would pick a fight with a cat because a cat is nimble enough to turn around and flexible enough to probably even keeters at his age could probably fight back and would

whereas a dog if like a small dog if you pick it up from a certain thing there's not much it can do and again the whole the whole dropping thing or if it's in a net just look out your pool a dog just comes flying in a net lands in the pool that'd be terrifying it survived i think this is just for me. Like, you know, remember my childhood where I was like, me and my brother were eco-terrorists and we inadvertently caused the deaths. I'm not saying we killed them, but we were the direct result of their demise of many a woodland critter.

Maybe this is just a continuation of that. And actually I am a harbinger of doom for specifically woodland creatures, owls and birds yeah i i guess i'm just too good of a person i don't emanate some sort of aura that causes death to encircle my entire life i don't know yeah not a lot of death except for keters has caused like 90 of the deaths the worst thing i had to do was my family made me kill a mole once and that was like that trauma stuck with me because like they're like you just hit it with the shovel and it'll die and i was like i don't want to do that and

they're like you have to just do it i was pressured into just smacking a mole with a shovel and i there was pretty much nothing i've done that felt worse than that i really wish i just put it in a bucket and rehomed it somewhere i did that when i was like a teenager can't believe you would just confess something like that how horrible yeah well killing rodents and troubled critters a very common thing here in the midwest and it is people are very casual about it and like i'm sure you you even telling that story i'm sure there are some people out there who were like uh don't be don't be a coward about it you just it's just a little creepy you just hit him on the back of the neck and whatever but like i i don't want to i don't want to do that either and not because like

ew icky i can get because like that's a that thing is a lot it's alive not for long it ain't even bugs i feel bad sometimes killing bugs this mouse had the gall to come near me in a field next to where i live i will kill him. Look, listen, you could feel bad about bugs all you want. You ever seen a Jerusalem beetle? I don't think so. I think so, yes. I think I know what that looks like.

If I have, I didn't know it by name. Yeah, so, Wade, go look up a Jerusalem cricket. Cricket or beetle? Cricket? Cricket. I thought it was beetle. I think it's called both sometimes. Look up this beast.

Oh, how big is it? It's that big. As big as you think it is, it's that big. It's huge. They're around here. Those things, I can't even look at them. Horrible. Oh, the mouths, the everything.

The thing about it for me is the color. It's too, like, fleshy. Yeah, it's very fleshy. It's got, like, big thighs. It's got thickums. Its ass looks like a bumblebee. For anyone who's not watching, we're not showing this to the viewers either, so don't worry, you're not missing out.

Just Google Jerusalem cricket. They're horrifyingly thick crickets. It's like a giant ant and a giant bee had a horrible baby. A really big ant ate some shellfish and he's got a strong allergy and he just puffed right up. I mean, pretty much, yeah. He just wandered around like, EpiPen!

Oh, EpiPen! Yeah, and apparently they bury in the ground and then just like they crawl out at random and it's just like it's not good i also i don't remember if you guys remember this story kind of getting back on track a little bit to the animals thing there was a cat i don't remember where this was but a cat like i think it might have been a stray cat i thought we were very on topic like with the animal we're talking well i know but it's not really the crickets and killing

and death this is like a not death related one. Gotcha. But like a cat, like a stray cat broke into, got into a zoo and like they found it like hanging out with like a wild cat of some kind, like a serval or a lynx or baby tiger or something. And like they were buddies, like they never hurt each other, but they were just buddies, this stray cat. So nice. Yeah. Like that's a whole more wholesome story.

I don't remember when it was. Somebody can look it up and fact check me, but i'm pretty sure that was a thing this didn't happen to me but i went to this place and it happened to a uh former co-worker that a person that mandy used to work with so in in the bay area east bay area there's there's a big mountain called mount diablo um like the vidya game. It's just like a cool mountain. There's a bunch of camping, hiking. You can drive up to the top and there's an observatory type thing. It's very cool. Very picturesque. We drove up there once.

It's dope. It's very cool. But apparently, Mount Diablo is known for having tarantula mating season be like a big deal. There there's a time of year there's a couple weeks i think in october if i remember correctly and this we learned this because one of mandy's co-workers happened to go to the mountain during this time period where all over

mount diablo and in the area that like whatever bi whatever, biome, tarantulas are mating. And you'll just see big herds of them, like, skittering around because they're all running around trying to, like, find other ones to mate with or something. It's like a season where they're very active. And you'll just see, like, large numbers of tarantulas like going around trying to go make babies no no no no no the the co-worker had no idea this was a thing so they just like got up on the mountain to do whatever you know hike or go see the top or whatever and there were just tarantulas everywhere and they were kind of just like what the fuck what is this place i don't mind tarantulas as

much as some other spiders like at a distance running around with a bunch of other ones around feels like something straight out of arachnophobia like the movie like if i knew that and i saw that i would not enjoy it but i'd kind of be like okay interesting but not if i didn't know that and there were just a shit ton of tarantulas everywhere, I wouldn't be afraid it was like the end of times or something. Like a plague? Yeah. Yeah, that's some weird like plague on the earth type of shit. And I would not do, I wouldn't freak out.

I would not handle that very well. Also, the cat was in Petersburg, Russia. And there was a cat that was a calico cat that was homeless and was hanging out with the lynx. Oh, well, that's nice. Anyway, more on the topic of horrible, horrible things. Oh, please. I don't know if I have that much more. That's really it.

Oh, so you didn't actually have anything to say? No, I don't. Did you guys ever see that news story about the bear who would go into the convenience store? They had like a shelf of beef jerky right by the front entrance. And so there was this bear who figured that out who would just duck in the front door of the store and grab some like beef jerky or by the front entrance. And so there was this bear who figured that out, who would just duck in the front door

of the store and grab some like beef jerky or Slim Jims or something and then just get right out of there. And one time they decided to move that stuff away from the door. So the bear came in and looked for his beef jerky and like look around and was like, what the shit? And like smashed up a shelf and then stormed out because they hid his jerky from him oh it's uh it's like it's like the cat story like this was just a bear that you know lived in a thing near wherever this gas station or whatever was but did i had customers when i worked at gas

stations there were customers that were assholes like that if you were out of whatever they wanted and i'm sure they were supposed to have a lot more self-control than a bear is but you know i don't know how much self-control a bear is supposed to have could be a lot the only thing i know about bears uh is what i learned from the movie cocaine bear so i don't know if i have a very accurate picture of how bears are supposed to be i wanted to catch a bear i was in um nashville for like a senior trip and there was like a mama bear with a couple of cubs and my friend and i had recently caught a raccoon and we were like dude we could probably catch a bear and thankfully we were talked out of trying but like i remember a raccoon capturing friend you told that story in

some great detail you and this genius decided you could definitely get a bear because you got the raccoon so effectively yes but we were talked out of trying so we did not die trying to catch a bear man i wish you'd tried to catch a bear. I would probably be dead because we would have gone for a cub near its mother, and that wouldn't have gone well. You might have survived with just some horrific injuries or something. You know, there's a chance, but they probably would have put the poor bear down when they should have put us down instead if we had tried.

I don't know if that's going to be a situation with the park ranger. Like, I don't know which one to save. Oh, God. The idiot or the mom protecting his baby? i don't know which one to see oh god the idiot or the mom protecting his baby i don't know i just i imagine the park rangers there he's like all right i have to kill the bear and you're just like why that's the bear and the bear looked over at you and it's like i look down i'm just in a bear costume all of a sudden. Suddenly you look like that sun bear from that video from the Chinese dude. Yeah, I was going to say, weren't we talking about the weird ass bear that definitely looks like a person in a costume?

Alright, which one of you eats salmon? I do. Boom! I do. The one that answers in English. Oh, I love salmon on the grill with a little lemon. Bish! Dude, if I saw somebody wearing a grizzly

bear costume, and then I saw an actual sun bear side by side, I would also assume the sun bear was the person. This is a mythological creature. Maybe not, depends what you believe, but have you guys seen on TikTok and or the rest of the internet

Saksquatch? As in like Sactophone Sasquatch? Oh, okay-the-phone, Sack Squatch. Oh, okay. I was assuming he's just hefty. I don't know what they look like. It's like a really tall person who wears a Sack Squatch outfit and plays saxophone. And it's an account

on TikTok called Sack Squatch. No. It's not a traditional, you know, normal animal, but it's a cryptozoological creature. And certainly playing saxophone on social media is not where I would have expected to find our big-footed friend. Well, he's a pretty big guy. He could have a hefty saxophone.

Yeah, there you go. That is animal where you wouldn't expect it. I believe that actually does qualify. I'll give it to you. And Mark gave it to you, too. So, Bob, more points. Wait, does he get double points if I give it to him? All right, if you say so, Mark, I guess. No, no, I take it actually does qualify. I'll give it to you. And Mark gave it to you too. So Bob, more points. Wait, does he get double points if I give it to him? All right, if you say so, Mark, I guess.

No, no, I take it. I withdraw. I withdraw! I don't know. I guess this counts, even though it's not really like a wild choice. But growing up, my mom had a friend who had like a wild animal license. And he had a baby black panther. And he brought the baby black panther over to my mom's house,

where there is not really an enclosure for a panther. And the police were called on my mom for having a quote unquote jungle party because the black panther and her were swimming in the swimming pool together. And someone saw it. And I guess I guess it like climbed up into like one of the tree branches or something like they had on a leash. But you see a baby black panther around. I guess you call the police. Was it someone at the party who called the cops or some neighbor saw your mom in the pool with a little it wasn't a party it was just my mom her friend and the panther but because there was a black panther even though it was a

little baby it was a jungle party some nosy neighbor was like what is that some kind of baby panther it's a jungle party well i know i don't even know. Like a baby black panther just looks like a big house cat. It wasn't like it was a full grown panther. It was a bigger house cat. Yeah, that's not obviously something that's like illegal to have from a distance. Unless you're looking at it up closer, you know what you're looking for, like the bigger paws and stuff like that than a typical cat has. Like it looked very house cat like. What if that neighbor is actually, like,

does illegal, like, you know, animal importing or something, and they were like, that's a baby black cat. They're trying to get me busted. I better call the cops on them so that they get busted, and they'll think,

oh, we cleared this whole area of exotic animal traffickers, and they'll never look for me here. These dumb animal traffickers, and they're swimming with their animals in their pool yeah we uh we used to have a blue and gold mccall and the uh the black panther baby and like art we had a house cat at the time but they were like buddies they would go terrorize the mccall uh sydney they would try to but sydney like would always hold her own and i

honestly thought one of the cats was gonna lose an eye or an ear because sydney would just like go after him with her beak whenever they get near her but they had like this back and forth where they would always go after each other but i guess the black panther in our house and our pool probably is where it's not supposed to be yeah well i mean it seems like it was supposed to be there but just not not in polite society okay like legally probably not but like oh that guy had a license or whatever i don't know what exactly that means but probably that means it was allowed i don't know i don't know about legally but it was cool we could pet it and hang out with it and it was just a little little baby it acted like a kitten it would like you know get feisty and playful and it would have times where just like children acted very much like a cat when it

got older maybe it got more aggressive i don't know but as a kitten it was just a cool little cat i don't think they're particularly aggressive i mean they hunt right so their their instincts will have them like hunt for me yeah but keeters has a fucking murder list that would put him in a life sentence for easily well i don't think big cats are just like inherently aggressive there's lots of people's you know like keepers at zoos and places where like you'll be pretty chill with with large cat species i've heard like gorillas are the ones that are a lot scarier than having big cats like a big cat, sure, if you go get a pin with a mountain lion and it's hungry, it'll

destroy you, but there's a lot more stories of gorillas. You turn your back on a gorilla and it'll attack you and stuff like that. I don't know. Rip Harambe. Oh, well. Welcome back to Cincinnati, Bob. Hey, home of Harambe. Any final tales here before... Tales. Good one, boss.

Thanks, Bob. Mark laughed laughed too so i'll give you bonus points me you laughed at bob's joke yeah that gives him bonus points no no i sneezed no you heard it boss he laughed you heard him right the first time no no no sorry i wasn't paying attention all right any any final animal tales where i wrap this one going once going twice all right well this has been a very tight one. It was fun. I honestly wasn't keeping close track of points the whole time because it was nice just discussing things. But, man, there at the end,

Mark, you just gave Bob point after point after point. I don't know if I did. That really broke the tie, and being as I don't have another way to break the tiebreaker since Bob hates coins and stuff, I guess I'll just let Mark's laughter and saying Bob deserve bonus points give him the win i demand a coin flip he can't do that boss i flipped it bob you win who called it

you said a coin flip you didn't mark we can do a coin flip heads i win tails you lose go no this feels like the right karmic outcome because Mark's stories all involved death and suffering? Well, let's just say that you're wrong. And I am deserving of win. Great speech, Bob. I'm winning.

You know, it feels good to win. I've been winning a lot lately, so I'm really starting to get used to being on top here. And, you know, this is back where I belong, really. And, you you know we gave it 110 out there and uh you just love when everything comes together when the team works so hard you know it's good to get the outcome you want and uh no we look forward to next week and uh you know got another big game coming up so time to get back to work uh get back at it perfect all right well i guess we'll find out what bob decides

to talk about next week. Thank you guys so much for joining. If you haven't already, you can go follow us. Mark at Markiplier, Bob at MySkirm, I'm Minion777, or LordMinion777. We have merch, store.strugglepodcast.com. If you're not watching on Spotify, you probably should be, because there's video and stuff. And I guess we'll see you next week

for, or next episode, I don't know when these are coming out, or whatever comes next. Until then, podcast out.