Distractible - Will You Press The Button?

Episode Date: May 12, 2023

You can shapeshift into anyone, EXCEPT yourself... You become the most beautiful person on earth, BUT you are only as smart as a 3rd grader... You get to be apart of your favorite movie, BUT you have to be the antagonist... Find out if the guys would press those buttons and say yes to these fun, funny, and occasionally dark scenarios. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Wade is worried about baby bondage, lords the mind over form, and rejects ultimate awesomeness. From robot insemination to pulp fiction. Yes. It's time for Will You Press the Button? Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to Distractible. My name is Markiplier and I'm your host for this week.

And of course, I continue my winning streak and Bob continues his losing streak. By sheer random chance, we have determined that I'm the winner. Totally fair. Random chance. Completely fair chances. I mean, you literally saw the spins. I couldn't do anything differently. Uh-huh. No. Yeah. I literally showed the flips. There was nothing I could have done differently. You picked them. It's fair.

Oh, yeah. It's fair. Look. Look how fair it is. I mean, literally, if I hold it like this, how can I flip it without you knowing? I don't know how you cheated, Mark. I'm not the one who did it. All right.

Whatever. There was something great about watching you try to suck your lid to show him with your mouth. I wanted it to be fair. Oh, it was. That's what I'm saying. It was fair, Mark. It was very fair. I thought it was fair.

Good, good. I'm glad we all agree to that. But on this very fair and very fun fair day, how are you guys doing? Good. This one's for all the listeners only out there wow bob tell them how you really feel yeah bob's giving all of you uh spotify video viewers an answer whereas i'll give you the audio answer i'm good good glad to hear it well i'm glad to hear you both are doing good i'm doing very good. Has there been any fun, interesting developments in the last

10 minutes? Or in the world? Well, look, so I told you this before we started recording, but I feel like it bears repeating. We've talked about this guy before. The YouTube channel GeoWizard is a very fascinating channel. He's begun posting the videos of yet another attempted mission of going across the country of Wales

in a perfectly straight line. So far, it's going quite swimmingly. He's chosen a bold line for this approach. But anyway, if you haven't checked out GeoWizard on YouTube, it's very funny. He has some very funny and interesting and harrowing experiences. And we talked about him before.

I don't know. Was that on this podcast? Or was that in Three Peans? Yeah, it might have been Three Peans. Might have been Three Peans. It's been a while, yeah. They're very fascinating. He attempts to cross a country

by going in a perfectly straight line, whether or not there's like private property, farms, while, yeah. They're very fascinating. He attempts to cross a country by going in a perfectly straight line, whether or not there's private property, farms, roads, whatever. It's fascinating. You should check it out. All right, interesting, interesting stuff. Wade, how about you? I discovered a new video game I've really been enjoying. I've only gotten to play like 30 minutes of it,

but I'm really excited to play more. It's called War Tales. All my friends have been messaging me about it, and I was like, War Tales. Okay, I'll check it out. And finally I checked it out. Is that a gacha game? No, it's called war tales like all my friends have been messaging me about it and i was like war tales okay i'll check it out and finally i checked it out i got your game no uh it's a steam game have you ever played battle brothers or heard of battle brothers it's almost like a um difficult rpg so basically you form a party of like four it's actually up to four players so you form a party of up to four people you each control a character or one person controls depending on

how many people you have right one person can control three one can control one whatever have you and you go around you like go across this map and you get into battles you take quests and stuff but it's actually relatively difficult and i don't know just enjoyed it so far i enjoyed battle brothers it was it was really hard and really brutal this game feels like that too but now you can enjoy it with friends called war tales on steam not sponsored but could be call me call us call me me specifically but i guess you guys do i guess i do sneak in sponsors or uh promotions for random other things like go my favorite sports team on this podcast at a random time so i've never heard of that mark what is that i don't know what that is that's crazy hot chat gpt helped you with that

it's apparently you know if you just tell jet chat gpt to uh speak about something while weaving it into something else it'll do it also in other news what do you promote distractible on go i'm sure he does he must right yeah it's only fair yeah anyway uh the first babies conceived with a sperm injecting robot have been born oh so nine months ago a robot got to have lots of sex i'm not 100 sure you could call it sex i'm imagining a robot with like a wizinator full of semen that just like humps a wizinator no backup back when i was in junior high and i thought i was gonna be a lawyer true story i thought i was gonna be a lawyer i job shattered an attorney and he had a court case

that day about a guy who was trying to pass his uh urine test his drug test by strapping on a fake penis over his real penis full of someone else's urine oh but said guy was a caucasian and his uh wizinator was a black penis and the security guard that was watching was like man that's weird that this guy's penis is a different color than him. Wait a second. And he got caught trying to cheat his drug test. So I learned that a Wizenator, at least 20 years ago, was a penis-looking thing that kind of like straps onto you and can hold someone else's urine. That's what they called it in court was a Wizenator.

That's what the judge said. So the Wizenator is in evidence. Can we get that backed up? Here we go. called it court was a wizinator that's what they the judge said uh yeah and then so we're putting so the wiznators in evidence uh can we get that backed up uh here we go there's an official website for the wizinator it's w-h-i-z-z-i-n-a-t-o-r don't cheat drug tests but you can go look at them it's on their website says wizinator.com don't cheat drug tests but there's other uses for this maybe why am i on amazon looking at wizinators oh god i clicked on the wrong shit oh no i look man where you go is not where i'm going look this is an article from the mit technology review okay last spring engineers in barcelona packed up the sperm injecting robot they designed and sent it by DHL to New York City.

They followed it to a clinic there called New Hope Fertility Center, where they put the instrument back together, assembling a microscope, a mechanized needle, a Petri dish and a laptop. Then one of the engineers with no real experience in fertility medicine used a Sony PlayStation 5 controller to position a robotic needle, eyeing a human egg through a camera and it then moved forward on its own penetrating the egg and dropping off a single sperm cell altogether the robot was used to fertilize more than a dozen eggs oh shit my controller died mid-insemination hang on i gotta switch

inside the womb the little things moving around in the background you just hear mom no i'll do the background you just hear mom i can't save mid-turn it's cheating i'm lagging uh yeah no i was i was gonna start this by saying why do you need a robot to inject spur but it's this is injecting directly into an egg i can see why that requires a little more probably a human no matter how good a doctor is probably a human hand would have a lot of trouble doing that without like damaging the egg or whatever i can yeah it's interesting human arm seems a bit more invasive than maybe a tiny little robot needle too

what i don't think the whole i don't know how deep in i well you know what i'm not going to claim that i know either you have to go like elbow deep to get to the ovaries don't you i'm not actually sure but i'm not confident that that's what would have to happen but i'm not confident enough to say that that's definitely wrong yeah there let's ask an ai experts in the field i don't know where suddenly there's we now and there was you for sponsorships i don't i don't think this is gonna work out the way you think it is war tales call me look all the all together this this whole article actually let me know bob when you get chad ggbt's answer because i feel like this is some like matrix early days you know there because the idea is apparently overture for instance has filed a patent application describing a biochip

quote unquote for an ivf lab in miniature complete with hidden reservoirs containing growth fluids and tiny channels for sperm to wiggle through quote think of a box where sperm and eggs go in and an embryo comes out five days later, says Santiago Mune, the prize-winning geneticist who is chief innovation officer at the Spanish company. It's like how the Matrix robots

were just growing humans so that they could use them for definitely not the energy source, but, you know, the computational power, which was the original idea behind the Matrix instead of the stupid thing where humans were batteries, which doesn power, which was the original idea behind the matrix

instead of the stupid thing where humans were batteries, which doesn't make any sense at all. But they had to dumb it down for audiences because they were like, people aren't going to understand that human brains harvested in a giant array of humans is computational power for the matrix to even exist in the first place.

And yada, yada. But anyway, it seems to just be a way to take the human out of making humans. So that's... So far, the Overture has raised the most about thirty seven million dollars from investors, including Coastal Adventures and Susan Wojcicki, the former CEO of YouTube. I mean, look, fertility, fertility medicine is a big thing, though, right? Because there are a lot of things that can happen that have nothing to do with whether a man has a sperm that is capable of making a baby and a woman has an egg that's capable of making a baby that have nothing to do with whether or not that baby could exist that could be helped by this i'm sure but it is funny the playstation controller has got to be my favorite part by far like i get you

use what's available and there's you know the playstation controller is very it's well developed it functions well whatever but i just just buy just find a medical device that works in the same way like just for my own if i'm in the room while this is happening and the doctor nerd pulls out a playstation 5 controller and is like i'm like is, is this real? Is this real medicine? I don't know. One of the analogs is worn out. It's like sticky on one side. Yeah, it's got like Cheetos dust on it.

Do you think it was sponsored by Sony? Like maybe Sony was like, please use our controller. We'll give you some money. Get the controller out and you turn it on and it makes the PlayStation boot up sound. And you're like, wow. Like, I don't not believe you but also would you would you like to hear more about this article because it does get a little crazier um by all means a human egg is about 0.1 millimeters across it's right at the limit of what

the human eye can see unaided you could see a human egg it would be like a little fleck you could see yeah but right now to move one an It would be like a tiniest little fleck you could see. Yeah. But right now, to move one, an embryologist will slurp it up with a hollow needle and squirt it out again. Don't know why that's the wording. Is that what the article says? That's what the article says. But Thompson says that once inside the company's cradles, eggs can be fertilized and grow into embryos moving through the stations of a robotic lab as if on a conveyor belt. Quote, our whole story is minimizing stress to the embryos and eggs.

Thompson hopes someday when doctors collect eggs from a woman's ovaries, they'll be deposited directly into a micro cradle and from there be nannied by robots until they're healthy embryos. Quote, that's my vision, he says. MIT Technology Review found one company, Auto IVF, a spin out from the Massachusetts General Hospital Harvard University microfluidics lab, that won more than $4 million in federal grants to develop such an egg collecting system called OvaReady. Egg collection happens after a patient is treated with fertility hormones. Egg collection happens after a patient is treated with fertility hormones. Then a doctor uses a vacuum powered probe to hoover up eggs that have ripened in the old days. You got the dust devil ready?

All of that, in theory, I'm listening and I'm like, this is just fascinating medical stuff. theory i'm listening and i'm like uh-huh this is as fascinating medical stuff like this is important medical stuff that's gonna help people get around the issues that exist with with getting pregnant and having kids completely on your own game over shit but why they need to hire somebody to write that uses fancier words look i'm not gonna i i like news that's that's plainly worded and straightforward but if you're telling me about medical stuff i really don't want to hear about how they hoover up the eggs there's just something wrong with that the slurping spew the hoovering they're doing all the things we need there's gotta be terms for that that make it sound a little bit less like you're explaining a child pretending to be a doctor and getting their other their

sister pregnant in a joke thing no no no this is all in the up and up because an auto ivf executive emre azkumur declined to discuss the project the company wants to quote stay under the radar a little bit longer he says yeah but there's also an another company that's developing a sperm tracker, a company called IVF 2.0 developed software to rank and analyze sperm swimming in a dish. It's similar to computer vision programs that track sports players as they run, collide and switch directions on a pitch. Isn't this taking some of like the bonding out of the equation that happens with like a baby's

developing in the womb like it feels the vibrations of the mom breathing and listens to the mom talking and all that let me let me just say i don't know a lot about this this is not dissimilar in fundamental ways from i think how in vitro fertilization works right now okay they're talking about fertilizing the egg outside of the womb and then you implant embryos right this is not like oh it's starting to look like a baby let's put it inside the womb this is like i don't know if it's dozens or hundreds of cells it's oh this egg is successfully fertilized and begun to duplicate itself let's put it back in now that we know this egg is completely successfully fertilized okay i'm picturing an assembly line where the baby over nine months is just going through the ovens and it's like, oh, can I get mine

well done? Yeah, we'll put it through a little bit slower. Ten months of cooking for this one. First of all, yeah, the word embryo I think is misleading you maybe a little bit. It's a little tiny cluster of cells. Okay, so it's still tiny. They watch it to make sure that it is replicating, that it can become

a fetus. But also, ex vivo pregnancy? A baby developing to term outside of a human body? Would be way bigger news than this. That's what I was imagining when you said assembly line. It's like the Lifesaver factory gets to the end. There's just a little basket to catch the babies that are like, oh, ready to cut the umbilical cord of

its robotic just yeah there we go once it hits nine months the babies get to the blade runner room and use a razor blade to slice the bottom of the plastic sack and it splatters out and all that stuff no that's not what's happening wait i gotta be super honest and clear about that that's not is that the dlc because like i bought the i bought the expansion pass for this one i'm hoping dude the month seven dlc comes out soon i can't wait to see there's a final quote here to leave this article with quote we don't claim it's better than a human but we do claim it's just as good and it never gets tired a human has to be good at 8 a.m after coffee after having an argument on the phone and that's where the quote ends man that quote is look they're saying that a human with a needle i think okay not the human who's growing the embryo

man that's just all over the place it's very ambiguous i thought they meant the robot that was fucking like oh you gotta 8 a.m get your coffee then go at it this thing can fuck a lot better than a human can no they're talking about the sperm selection because it's we humans are good at channeling our attention to a single point we can assess five maybe ten sperm but you can't do 50 says chavez you just can't do 50 who could i mean i can't do more than seven or eight sperm on my own self so i can relate i'm too lazy to even do two uh-huh well that is uh that is the article for today. And speaking of pushing buttons and changing the outcomes of lives all around forever and ever. Welcome to Will You Press the Button? I hope they make that face when they make ladies pregnant, Wade.

That's all I can hope. And I feel confident saying that I think we're going to press the buttons today, Mark. I'm just feeling it. I think we're going to press the buttons today, Mark. I'm just feeling it. I think we're going to press the buttons. I think it's going to be fine. And you all can watch us on Spotify and PlayStation 5, right? That's a thing we said. All right.

So similarly to How Would You Rather Went, the completely original and first time we ever played that, I'm on the website Will You Press the Button? And on this website, there are decisions, there are dilemmas of will you press a button or not? And it'll grant you whatever is prompting with the caveat of the downside applied to it. And then there is a ranking vote that shows who was and was not in favor of that. So I will present these choices to you guys. And if you are in favor, along with the crowd, then you will get a point.

If you are not, you will not get a point. This seems very fair. Bob, how are you going to screw this one up if you think my input led to the conclusion of any of the previous recent episodes i have some questions about that for you uh well i was gonna go let wade go first because he was so eager to press buttons but but I'm going to let Bob go first. No, no, no, no. It's fine. No, no, no, no, no, no. Bob. Okay. Are you ready? Yes. You will be able to read people's minds, but people will be able to read your mind. Will you press this button, gain that power with that downside? How do we imagine the mind reading works? Do they have to like focus on

me and choose to read my mind? Or am I just like a radio station? Everyone knows what I'm thinking at all times if they're anywhere even remotely close to me. Is there a distance away I could get where someone wouldn't be able to pick up on my mind broadcast? Yeah, let's assume that it's, you know, how GTA roleplay works on the server that's like you know people in a proximity can like hear you but you can hear them but let's assume if you are have your mind cleared generally speaking you could probably practice this or it's a one-way open phone call like as soon as you start reading someone's mind they start hearing your voice in there if you focus in on someone it focuses them for you i imagine this

was like uh while listening to theirs they can hear yours kind of thing i love that as an idea as a way to torment people you just sneak up behind someone who doesn't understand that you have this power and you just start thinking terrible shit about them and all of a sudden in their mind they just hear your voice and they're like god look at that stupid fucking hair oh my god i can't believe look how dumb he looks look at them and i know that i'm realizing suddenly one of you has hair and one of you has less hair i'm not singling you out mark it's not about you i'm just it was imagining maybe i was making fun of wade's beard maybe i was making fun of his downstairs hairs i have the best hair this has been determined in the past that is canon actually uh i think so if i the button, both of those things become true, yes?

Yes, exactly. You'll be able to read people's minds, but they will be able to read your mind. I feel confident that I could start some sort of like Zen practices and learn how to really keep a very calm and empty sort of mind, and that this would be fascinating to me. I would love to know exactly what people actually thought. I'm always so curious as compared to what they're saying and how they're presenting themselves. So I would push this button, I feel like.

All right, you will push this button, which I honestly, it's like it's an interesting trade-off. I do think that it is a fascinating decision. However, the people vastly, overwhelmingly voted not to press this button. Tower! 73% of people did not want to press this button. And I'm like, I totally get this. But you're right.

With practice, they don't have the practice of reading your mind. They wouldn't even know who's doing it. But you would, if it was strangers at least. Maybe if you had close friends, they could hear your voice in their head. I think it's interesting, and you could probably hone it in where you could train this ability. But unfortunately... This strikes me as like a superpower, right? If you just suddenly had the abilities of Superman, it would be kind of a plague,

because you would rip doors off hinges, and you would destroy shit. But you learn how to control it and live with it i feel like why would you not want to know that aren't you always it's not is everyone else not always dying when you're like talking to someone and you can tell they're saying something but they're thinking something inside that they're not telling you or that they're not willing to share whatever i'm dying to know what's going on in there. I would love that. It would be fascinating. I'd press it too.

Unfortunately, no point there, Bob, even though I would also press it. Five points for me? Alright, great. No points for Bob. Six points? Wait. Fair. That feels fair. You will become the most handsome and or beautiful person on the earth,

but you will never be smarter than the average third grader. Will you press this button? Don't need to press this button because it already happened. I mean, that's kind of how I feel. No, I value intelligence more than looks. I'd rather be intelligent, so I won't press that. Yeah, well, you don't become less handsome if you don't press it, right? You stay exactly as you are. Yeah, I think think you're just you and i'm pretty content with the

me that i am the third most handsome man on earth i don't need two more spots i don't want to lose intelligence like do i want to know everything no but i want to be able to process and understand things and i feel like at a third grade level you're not fully there so on an emotional level on an intellectual level no i'd much rather have my mind than looks that are going to fade away in five or ten years anyway i will not press the button but also have you seen the game show wait it's not third grader is it was are you smarter than a fifth grader yeah okay all right it's a few grades down so maybe not the best 76 of people would not press that button so So, Wade, you do get the points. However, the most handsome and or beautiful person on Earth.

What would that even look like? I mean, yeah. I'm right here, guys. I mean, the thing about one of the things about that that I just get. Thanks. Yeah, that's that I want to raise is I feel like it's been proven and talked about in a lot of different ways and contexts that that's completely subjective that each culture has their own vision of what is the most handsome and or beautiful person and attributes and also it changes each decade like if you look at just in America or just in a specific culture or country

it's changed a ton over the last 100 years 50 years whatever like do you do you constantly chimera into the new whatever at that moment is the most attractive look and features and everything or for wherever you are located or like i'm assuming it's either it's whatever you think it is so it's based on your own perception or everyone who looks at you sees what they envision as being the most beautiful and handsome yeah okay or you are so unbelievably unachievably beautiful that it's objectively anyone who looks at you you're the same but it's some unachievable look that we've never seen a human be this beautiful before either way you're

godlike so unfathomably beautiful that everyone agrees that you are but you go to talk to you you're like how did you achieve that and you go snarf and it's like oh i mean they walk away i think i haven't met a lot of third graders but third graders are all pinky from pinky in the brain to me all right yeah bob ah bob uh i didn't drop. Yeah, what? Sorry. Your dilemma. You have unlimited money. Unlimited money. Okay. But you have to personally kill each one of your family members.

You have to eliminate the tree. God. I mean, that would theoretically include, include like my wife and child at this point family members oh man i'm assuming it's in a timely manner right you can't wait till they're on their deathbed oh i'm gonna kill him i'm gonna kill him i just you gotta catch him by surprise on my deathbed i'm just just like, hey, son, lean over here. Yeah, you have to kill

them before you get the money. A very tempting offer. Can't lie. Can't lie. But I'm going to have to go ahead and pass on that one. This one's going to be like 90% said they would do it or something, right? No, no. You're in the majority 76 would not a concerning 24 would if you meet somebody like after you've

killed your family they're like we should get married you're like no we can't we mustn't all right wade that's just imagining sorry you're hanging out with a good friend like your best friend in the He doesn't. All right. Wade. That's just imagining. Sorry. You're hanging out with a good friend, like your best friend in the world after you've killed your entire family. And he looks at you and he's like, man, I fucking love you. You're like a brother to me.

And you're just like, no. No. The other day would come. Carol, you can't get too close to people, man. No, no, no. Not if you want to hold on to your unlimited money. Your murdering hand just comes up and you're like, why did you have to say it, Corey? Why?

Anyway, sorry. I just, I had to. No, I'm glad you did. Continue. All right, Wade. Yeah. You will be able to relive the happiest day of your life any day you wish. But on the next day, you have to live the worst day of your life.

No, I've had enough good days. Like the ones that really stick out are some of the worst days i'd rather just stay pretty even keeled than have that roller coaster i'm not pressing that button worst day okay no thank you all right this one's pretty simple uh the split was more even than i thought so i was like this could go either way but 55 said they would not press that button so worst day ever is the majority 45 of respondents are insane i know right like i feel like the thing about the good day is it lives in your memory right you remember the details you remember the good stuff the thing about the bad day is that it haunts you

every time if you had to continue to relive it assuming that you don't just become completely numb to it right it's not like the point is that it's still a bad day for you that's awful the further away you get from the worst day of your life the less of an impact it has but if you have to keep reliving it it's like a nightmare i imagine if you relive it you have to relive like the emotions and feelings of that day too yeah it's like the raw original emotions of it that's the whole point yeah i wouldn't want that i would never want that that sounds i don't know if i have one day that stands out as being so good that it compares to the worst day i've ever had i've had some good days but i don't know about that good all right wade's had a terrible miserable life that's so sad for it bob thank you your next dilemma all right you can transform into anyone you want as many times as you like. You can shapeshift, you can become

whoever, whatever, whenever. But you will never... Yes, you could even transform into Shakira for you. But you can never transform back into your original self. Shakira?

Shakira? So, Shakira so extrapolating this then you would never get to speak in your own voice again yes I feel like if I could talk this over with certain people in my life and we could all agree I would be in but I don't think I could unilaterally make the decision so i i guess as long as i'm allowed to like talk this over with mandy and like family members a little

bit probably yes as long as they're all on board i don't know that's true because you wouldn't be the like what your kid remembers or what like the person your spouse fell in love with right yeah you would never be yourself again that affects other people i feel like that would affect other people as much or more than it would affect me like i'm my sense of self it comes and goes and i feel like i could adapt that but other people i'm a concrete thing to people in my life yeah exactly so if you do change i suppose it's like you you might be tempted to change again because why would you have changed in the first place so it's like each one would subsequently get you further from who you were depending on what you wanted to become how do you change you just transform or is it like changelings or whatever in supernatural where

like you shed your skin and like bleed it off and leave like a you go into a whole less why is there a shakira suit on your floor wade what would you do with this? Is this a Shakira? This isn't about me. This is about Bob. Why do you want to be Shakira? That's Wade's answer. You said wherever, whenever. You brought it back into my head. I guess if we're going to allow my caveats, yes. You would press this? I think I would be okay with that

as long as it didn't hurt anyone else in my life who needs me or relies on me or whatever. Okay. Alright. and you are in the majority it's a it's a tight split this one's 60 40 so you do get a point for this more people would but i feel like i wouldn't because i would be i feel like if you start down that path you start to chase perfection it becomes like this kind of obsession to change and hop and get into different lives and you can use it to escape circumstances and then i lose my sense of self i do like who i am but at the same time is like

if i had this power i don't know if i would be able to resist the urge yeah well i do imagine it would be a life of a lot of changing like i'm imagining i would have a lot of different people like daily like i would want to do stuff dude every few minutes it'd be like for fun right like i would change into a person just to make a joke or something and then change back to whoever like i don't know i i can't imagine it would be like skins in a video game i would change them constantly i would have a rotation it would suck never getting to be yourself again though like that would suck i wouldn't miss me i would miss you probably not all right you're like a brother to me. No. What are you doing? All right, Wade.

This one's a silly one. You gain the ability to control time, but it only works on clocks. I gain the ability to change what time shows on a clock? It just says control time, but only works on clocks. So if you advance a clock forward by a thousand years, though, it like disintegrates, right? It might. You're not just changing the time of the clock. Or I could take an antique broken watch and fix it.

You might, yeah. Yeah, I'd press the button. There's no downside here. I could just work on clocks, dude. I could press the button. Why would I? There's no downside here. I can just work on clocks, dude. I can make a living. Dude, if I had that ability and was back in like middle school, high school, oh my god. School would end so early. Yeah, what's the downside to this?

Well, I mean, it doesn't seem like there is one. Yeah, I'll press it. I agree with you. This one should be pressed. However, the majority of people would not press this. What? It's 15 to 42 would not press this button. What's wrong with you unimaginative losers? What is this?

What are they losing? I know. I'm like, there is no, even if it was just like, haha, I'm spinning the clock. Even if you don't use it, it's just a funny ability to have i know at that point there's no real do you want a free superpower where you can either joke around or make money fixing clocks no that sounds terrible i don't want there's no drawbacks no no no don't give that to me imagine how many bar bets you could win if you could change time on a clock dude i'll bet you i can run around this entire block before the clock strikes midnight. That's only one minute from now. Yeah, watch me slowly jog.

People have no fun in this world, man. I don't know. I don't know, man. I give myself a point for that. That's the right answer. I don't give you a point. I give you a point too, buddy. Thank you, Bob.

Bob, here's your next one you become part of your favorite book video game or movie but you're the antagonist you must be the main antagonist of your favorite book video game or movie but you can become a part of that movie can i answer this the form of question i one of us speaks in riddles so let's say it's movie and let's say i are it's changes right but arguably possibly my favorite movie is pulp fiction it's so it spans a lot of stuff if you do you guys are you familiar enough with pulp fiction to kind of yeah remember the gist of how it goes who is the antagonist in that the first guy i thought of was the guy who had the antagonist in that the first guy i thought of was the guy who had the sex dungeon in his basement zed i would have to but zed dies

zed's dead baby i don't want to be zed uh who else is like a main villain i mean they're all like kind of bad it depends how you see it the um the the the fixer man mr mr wolf is not a really an antagonist in the movie. I would say the couple that robs the diner at the beginning are not particularly antagonistic in the story of the movie. I would say Samuel L. Jackson's character and John Travolta are not meant to be the antagonists of the movie, but they are problem causers.

I don't know, they drive it? Is Marcellus Wallace the antagonist? Because he's fixing the fight, and he's kind of like don't know they drive it is marcellus wallace the antagonist because he's fixing the fight and he's kind of like the looming bad guy and he's married to what's her face with the with the wide eyeballs kill bill lady what's i can't remember her name that's the one her eyes are too far apart listen everybody knows this i've never thought that about her but yeah i i don't know i if i could decide who the antagonist was, I might be cool with that. But I'm not even clear about that. And for that confusion alone, I guess I would not push the button.

I don't know. There are characters I would definitely not want to be in that universe. But like, you know, it's Pulp Fiction. It's pulpy. It's fun because it's, you know, greasy and ridiculous. Who's the main antagonist in The Hobbit? Would I be Smeagol or Sauron or a dragon or a goblin? I think it'd be...

It'd be the ring. I would just be a ring? No, that... Well, I mean, that's certainly part of a larger universe, so I guess you just gotta go with the villain of that universe. Maybe. Nah, I guess if you want The Hobbit to stand alone, I guess that's... I don't to stand alone i guess that's i don't know man press the button or don't this is bob's question i was just thinking about for myself i would not press the

button because i don't know if i could definitively say who i would be in any given universe even if it was my books or video game or whatever like i i feel like that's not as clear to me as maybe it is to some people or maybe i just like media where the antagonists and protagonists are not as far apart as they are in some stories. I don't know. Mayhaps. I wouldn't do it. I couldn't do it. It's too unclear.

Too unclear? That is fair. It's very unclear. However, 66% of people would press that button. I wonder what their favorite movie or book is. At 40% of those responders were like yeah i want to be wreck it ralph yeah he's the good guy okay he's not the antagonist i got bad news for you idiots idiots all right wade here's your dilemma you are super awesome thank you like super awesome all right what's the prompt but haters get jealous and try and kill you

50 50 chance of death 50 50 like each time how yeah how frequently does this happen oh my god i do know that the coin flip genuinely favors me i have learned this yeah well remember you're super awesome yeah i'm gonna not press it because i don't want to be super dead like being super awesome for like a week and then getting that bad coin flip of 50 mortality um i'm gonna say just because i think the people who respond to this are idiots now they definitely would push the button it's it's like 60 40 in favor of pushing the button that's my official guess people do want to be super awesome. They'd rather be super awesome for a day than live their meaningless, meager lives.

Rather be super awesome than super alive, that's for sure. But not me. I'm already super awesome enough. Gotta be careful. The haters are going to get jealous and they're coming to kill you, man. Sounds about right. You're in the right. 66 percent of people did not press the button it's so vague like being murdered is so specific and being super awesome is so vague no no no 50

50 50 50 50 how many times is it 50 50 though i think it's just like when you press a button there's a 50 50 chance of you dying or 50 chance you're super awesome yeah exactly that's not great let me do a coin flip right now. Let's call a heads and see which one would have happened to me. Coin flip. Okay. I call heads. Damn it, I got heads. I would have been fine. Should have gone for it. Should have gone for it, man.

Guess you're not going to be super awesome. Damn it, coward. I am. Bob, your dilemma. You get to watch your life as a movie showing from your birth to your death except for your dilemma. You get to watch your life as a movie showing from your birth to your death, except for your death. You can change the movie entirely, but it's like it's as if you're editing a movie. However, you cannot choose your death and it is guaranteed to be awful. So you get to watch your whole life.

You know what's going to happen and you can change what's going to happen throughout it but your death is unknown and you will it is always going to be awful i'm not gonna say that the temptation to be able to watch my life as if i'm the the director of the the improv comedy game where you change the genre of the movie repeatedly and just go back and be like, yeah, do it again, but do it like you're in a French art house movie or whatever.

Like that is tempting just to have that sort of, you know, directorial control over the tone and theme of things that are happening. Even if it wasn't the gory, whatever horrible death at the end of it, I don't think I would want that because that is that's

like a pandora's box of bad decisions right there's no way that that leads anywhere but me ultimately making one too many changes that turns my entire life to shit and then i'm just i'm like wait change this what if i change this wait this fix it. If anything in life is worth enjoying, it's that you have to enjoy the providence of the things that you get in life that are good. Because you're going to get good stuff. You're going to get bad stuff. Someone, and like, this is my experience, right? Someone who's led a life where they got more bad than good

or they got something just horrific that happened. Maybe this is more appealing because I've been lucky. I haven't had anything happen where i'm like god i wish that one thing hadn't defined my whole you know childhood or my whole existence or whatever like there are things that could change your entire life forever and and be very negative and impactful but for me i that temptation's not worth it i would rather live a life where you don't know what's going to happen and you have to just enjoy the good and and take the bad, then

have the power to be like, oh, but this could have been a little better. What if I tweak this just a little bit? That just sounds like your own personal hell to me, a little bit. Not pushing it, and you are in the majority by a very slim margin. 56 to 44%

would not. I was going to gonna say just put yourself in a coma right before the death or do something to make yourself not be able to feel the horrible death right before I die I become invincible is that a laugh oh anyway

so somehow that's gonna be awful and then it's eternal torment forever and ever but you do get a point for that. So wait, all right. Pancakes are waffles, right?

I get a question like that again. Nope. You can see the future, but no one will ever believe you. That's a, that's a good one. I like that, man. I guess it depends how vast if you can see every few everything what's happening omniscient and you could like stop something from happening

but no one will ever believe it that would suck i mean but also like if i could just foresee things if someone couldn't believe at least i could like edit my own path slightly that's a shitty downside i still think i'd press it though in this case even if no one would believe it i could still believe myself and know what i could change without people having to believe now think of how i i totally i i am inclined to agree with you but think of how people that try to predict the future and no one believes in society are treated well i know that's why you never say anything about it ah okay the shitty thing would be though if it's someone you care about and you could do something to help them and they won't listen to you like that would suck that would be the that would be the real drawback because i feel like you could help someone you care about

but like you can't convince them yeah absolutely i feel like the thing here is in this kind of scenario it's always kind of assumed i don't know what you're thinking that like you could see the future and also that makes you smart enough to deal with that i feel like if you gain the ability to see the future but you don't gain the intellectual ability to deal with having that kind of knowledge and what you could or should or should not do in terms of affecting that future this again sounds like torment to me because you're just your own self but you could see the whole future you probably would think your own self was insane even though even if you know the truth because it's just like humans don't have the mental capacity to live with that amount of you know

knowledge of events and knowing what's going to come and stuff i don't know it's hard to imagine even if nobody would believe me about the future i mean you could still try to convince them to do things differently and just see if they will listen to you for the sake of shutting you up usually they don't believe you not believe you doesn't mean they won't ever do what you say let's assume they actively go against everything that you try to change but everything you said you're like hey it's gonna rain tomorrow you should bring an umbrella and they're like you psychopath how would you know you don't know you always think you know it's gonna happen and just because you're always right doesn't mean you know it'd be really awkward

if I told someone like you and I will never get married they're like oh what a bet watch me yeah that's using

your powers for good they pull their priest lever and a priest appears and just marries you on the spot alright well fair enough

you will press the button Wade I would alright you are in the majority you do get a point for that and it is actually quite overwhelming carries you on the spot. All right. Well, fair enough. You will press the button, Wade. I would. All right. You are in the majority. You do get a point for that, and it is actually quite overwhelming. It's 83% would press this button.

What? Which I think is a surprising amount. I think people are just asking for a bad time on that one. That's a big drawback. That is a big drawback. All right. Bob. Huh?

You can remember anything you've ever seen, heard, or read. Anything. Yeah. But you get a small pain in your stomach when you remember it, which gets worse the longer ago the memory was. Ooh. Can we theorize? What is the maximum pain?

If I remember my own birth, what is the maximum amount of pain? It own birth yeah what is that what is the maximum amount of pain it feels like i'm being stabbed by a knife it feels like i have an intestinal blockage how extreme are we getting i mean you gotta think if it's like let's assume you're like 60 years old and you can remember what you had for breakfast today and that's a small pain but then like the day before the week before the month before the year before all the way back to being born that's a lot of increase on the lever well if you break it down incrementally by seconds yeah it's a lot of things but also it's only one lifetime wade so i'm only remembering within one single lifetime oh that's true but let's assume that the pain is significant if it's like a small pain for even a few days ago let's say it like starts like your your memory is you can remember what

happened yesterday but it's just like a tiny itty bitty itty bitty like a fart like you got yeah you barely even notice it a year ago is going to be like oh man that that's queasy oh i'm i'm not feeling good five years ago would be like this is concerning as ulcer levels 10 years is like i might have to go to the hospital and let's assume the beginning of your life is you are doubled over, crippled in pain. You are on the ground shivering from the amount of pain. Your oldest memory will always be the most painful one. And that caps out as the most painful thing you've ever experienced.

You would avoid family. You go to like a family reunion. Like, oh, do you remember when you were a little boy? You just had to be like absolutely trashed at every family thing. and you're like, oh, do you remember when you were a little boy and then you went up and fell? You just had to be like absolutely trashed at every family thing. You'll be like, oh, do you remember? And you're like, no, I don't remember nothing. Yeah, that is tricky because memories do come up unbidden at times.

So things make you nostalgic. Yeah, I guess I'm feeling like this one i think i would push it but that's a big downside yeah i think i would go for that though that that's one of my biggest things in life i mean i watched my grandmother have alzheimer's and watched her live with that at the end of her life and like that's probably my biggest personal fear is that I know that genetically that's in my family lineage, at least somewhere. I have no idea how likely I am to have it. But the idea of losing your memories

and forgetting everything you've ever, everyone you've ever known, everything you've ever done, that's like a personal, deep, deep seated personal fear for me. So I think I would take this one and learn to live with the pain. To have the perfect recall. yeah fair enough and with 51 51 to 49 bob you get that point damn nice by

that much because it is a dilemma i don't know which one i would do that's a tough call i've got decent memory but obviously like names slip by other things just slip easily some things are better but it's like to remember anything is quite a superpower like there's very few people in the world that have perfect eidetic memory like that but yeah no the pain i've had stomach pain before it's uh it's not really the best if i had a family history of like alzheimer's or dementia or something where you're like you lose your memories and like your sense of self i'd probably take it but if it was a lower risk of those things man i don't know because the thought of losing your mind memory sucks but like i don't

know that that is a that is a hard one that is a really hard one i see why it's i like it cool button put that in the cool button room all right cool button okay wait and this might be the last question here i'm not sure how am going to take the lead, Mark? I feel like I'm way behind here. How are you going to cheat to make me a chance to win? It's completely tied. It is 4-4 right now. I'm just used to losing.

Okay, well then get it wrong, Wade. All right, I probably might. Wade, you are immune to any effects of temperature, including being on fire or completely frozen. However, you cannot ever feel any warmth. You will never feel warm. You will never feel warmth. Not from anything. Not from fire.

Not from another human being. You feel cold? Yeah, I was going to say, like, it feels nothing. It just says you cannot feel any warmth i'm assuming that means you can feel cold and you probably you just don't get like hurt by cold but you can feel cold you're either neutral or chilly yeah but you are immune to temperature effects being immune to temperature effects might also be bad be on fire and you will never feel warm like if you want to be cryogenically frozen and they're just like freezing you're like shit still awake get me out who that's not an opportunity in everyone's daily life i don't know why that's your concern well if i'm super fucking man i might have an opportunity for it what do you mean why would that give you an opportunity to be frozen

well he's already got his cryo tube reserved for his death okay he's ready dude right next to mr disney he's ready to wake up two centuries from now and live another full life fully robotic sized getting comfortable to go to sleep like there's something about like cozying up under the covers and like cozy up by a fire a hot cup of coffee would never feel like anything to you hot chocolate wouldn't feel warm i don't plan on needing to be lit on fire or frozen so i think i would not press the button here you would not press the button i don't have any like i guess i could make money being like a stuntman like yeah burn me no i won't feel it but like you'll still get burned no you don't have the effects of it so you wouldn't yeah so

you wouldn't your skin wouldn't burn your skin wouldn't freeze and your skin wouldn't freeze. And I don't know. I don't know. This is... Hold on. He's not locked in. Wait. You would never feel a hug. That's another thing. You'd feel a person touching you is what you get that...

Is warmth the sensation of being hugged? Or is warmth just the temperature of a body touching you? It's kind of both. But doesn't it come from the idea that hugs are generally warm if you're if you're despair if you're sad and you get a hug it warms you physically but also like metaphorically it warms you yeah i feel that i don't know so a hug would be like a mannequin being wrapped around you rather than a person yeah i think they specifically picked the word warmth because it covers a lot of different meanings.

I don't think I would press the button. I could see why someone would. I don't think I personally would. All right. You will not. However, 60% of people would press this button. For what? And I disagree with that.

I completely agree with you, Wade. I would not want. I don't want to be on fire. I don't need to be on fire i don't need to be on fire i don't have any where like a cup of coffee in the morning a warm cup of coffee like get cozy under blankets a fire like you know a hug with the person you love like that that's important that is very very important to not feel any of that ever in your life i would never press this button all right right. Which means it's a tie. Okay.

We have a tiebreaker. We just tie. Do I get a pity win for my long, long, long losing streak that I'm on? We could always leave it up to a coin flip. I was exactly going to leave it up to a coin flip. No, that's not. I'm not interested in that. Woohoo!

I knew it. I'm not calling anything. I'm going to go get an actual coin. All right. So we can make an actual fair coin flip. Does that sound fair? Unless anyone else can come up with a situation that we can make this a fair decision or a tie-breaking round, because I don't know how to do it with pressing the button in Dilemmas.

Therefore, it has to be coin flip. It couldn't be more fair than a real coin flipping. I agree. A real coin flipping. Okay, I'll be right back. I love this. You're so due for a win. Do you want to make a handshake deal while Mark is gone that no matter what happens,

I win and we just usurp him? I'm fine with that. I'll give you that win. But there will come a time in the future where I will come to you wanting a win of my own. We are rebelling against the God King host and we say no matter what happens, if I just win the coin flip too,

we can just leave that and not talk about it, but we can have this later. Whether or not it affects the outcome, if there's a situation where I can do the same to you and you want it. If I win an episode and you look into the camera and you just go, do it.

I will do it. I will owe you that. All right. Handshake deal. My microphone's kind of in the way of that. Oh, I see, I see. I like this. Yeah.

Mark will never know. If I win, I'll find a way to veto my win. I'll do it. Now I kind of hope that you win the coin flip. I kind of do too. One, it'd be really funny. Do you think Mark is going to expect that we made a handshake deal while he left? Only if he has his headphones on. He's been listening this whole time. No, he has wired headphones.

He doesn't have wireless headphones, I'm pretty sure. I wasn't paying attention. I don't think they make like, because we have the similar headsets. I think these are all wired. Are we all doing Sennheisers? Yeah, we do. We all wear different models, but we all wear Sennheisers. We should be sponsored by them.

Imagine. Okay. Hello? As it turns out, it's 2023 and I don't have a coin. Oh, for God's sake. So it's got to be the lens cap. I don't have anything else. I don't have anything else. I don't have anything else.

Come on. I love that. The fair lens cap of fairness. How about two out of three, right? We'll just do two out of three. No, no, no. One's fine. Well, you know, I'll leave it up to Bob.

Bob, how many flips do you want? Just do one, man. Just do the one. It's always fair. The lens cap never lies. All right many flips do you want? Just do one, man. Just do the one. It's always fair. The lens cap never lies. Alright, how do you want me to do? Do you want me to point it at the counter again? I trust you. Don't move your camera. Don't do

any not. Just flip it and tell us the answer. Do your pickup thing. Your pickup thing. No, I'm going to try to land it in my hand so at least I can show in camera. Alright. Okay. I'll try to land it with my palms, so at least I can show in camera. Hmm, alright. So, I'll try to land it with my palms like this. Who's calling it? I hear you, Bob.

Heads is the outside, tails is the inside of the lens cap? Is that what we're doing here? Yeah, this is heads, and this is tails. Okay? Yep. Okay. Alright. Wait, who's calling it?

Anyone have a preference? I'm calling it? You call it. Wait, you call it, okay? You gotta call it in the air. Well, alright, you called it. I'll call it in the air well okay i'll call in the air all right cool three two heads what is that mark can you tell us it's heads what else could it be wade it looks good it can do tails uh-huh no sure yeah amy's not hovering above your desk mission impossible style dropping any number of sigma lens caps into your hand in the correct orientation fine this is fine look i'm sorry i wanted to do two out of three yeah you wanted three times

in a row that's cruel man yeah no i once is enough mark once is more than i veto my own win 10 coin flips is enough i'm taking a step back i renounce my victory does that mean that i win by default i don't know if you can do that because i decide the winner well i renounce my win when he becomes host he is the ultimate authority anyway so well i can inflict him with a win and then on his hosting he can abject the throne but only in his judgment when it's his turn and then he can force one of us to become the judge i hereby withdraw my answers from this episode and therefore my points no all right if you want to keep fixing this to keep bob losing we can keep it up i guess

i what am i supposed to do it's a coin flip i don't have any other ways to do this you guys were online before i was today by a solid five or eight minutes or something. You made a deal. You continued this on purpose. I know. Ow! That was unrelated. I'm sorry. I just dropped my fidget toy right on my toe.

It hurts. That was unrelated. But that is the pain. That's the type of pain i feel inside it's just also pain i feel on my foot because i'm an idiot all right i'm gonna do one more thing for you here what what are you gonna do what i'm going to uh spin a wheel because that's always fun and fair right yeah it's always worked out for. Does he have to win twice to overcome the coin flip? I don't know how any of this goes.

Great. I'm going to spin it. Holy jeez. Ooh. Is this for the winner or the loser? That's for the winner. Oh! No!

No! That's actually just fixed! There's no way! I can't, man. I can't. I just thought it was... Bob, I thought it was you so much. I thought it was you so hard.

It really just kept sliding there. There's no way. Holy shit. Wow, for those listening, I had a wheel with eight names alternating Wade and Bob, and it looked like it was going to land on Bob. I swear, you've got to go check the video on this one. I swear to God. It landed on Wade by the tiniest little bullshit sliver.

Oh, man, it sure did. Wow, that's... Is it going to go away if you click that? I want to see how close it was. Don't click remove. Just close it. Close it. Yeah, it was that much.

Oh, my God. It was slowing all through Bob there, and then... Best two out of three. No, I don't want any more of this bullshit to go on. It's a charade. What are the odds of Bob losing 12 coin flips in a row? I don't know, man.

I don't know. All right. Well, Wade, you have a winner's speech. I refuse this. I don't want to win anymore. The guilt I feel of just odds favoring me is overwhelming. I would not press the button

to keep winning coin flips if I had the choice now that I see the pain it's caused. Even Bob's feet are suffering. I'm sorry Bob. I didn't know what I was doing when I sold my soul to be the coin flip champion. Alright, that was a great winner speech.

Bob, what do you think? No. No. No, no. I know about numbers and how numbers are supposed to work. I understand that any preceding coin flip doesn't affect the odds of the likelihood of a following coin. They're independent events.

But no, no no no hold on okay the chance of losing 11 coin flips in a row point zero zero zero four eight i should buy whatever the opposite of a lottery ticket is man uh-huh well thank you everybody so much for listening and watching hopefully you found it entertaining and hopefully you understand that we are trying our best to be as fair and impartial as we can, but the universe stands against Bob. I can only assume the subreddit is rebelling just as hard as they were for Wade when he wasn't even at this much of a losing streak. But thank you, everybody, so much for watching and listening. Thank you, Bob, and thank you, Wade. You can find them at LordMinion777 or Minion777. Bob at MySkerm, M-U-Y-S-K-E-R-M, on the internet. My name is Markiplier.

That's it for today. Check out our merch, store.distractablepodcast.com. We'll definitely have some new stuff soon. I swear, it's not all sold out forever. There will have some new stuff soon. I swear. It's not all sold out forever. There will be some new stuff eventually. And then be sure to follow this podcast wherever you listen to and watch the video podcast on Spotify. Thanks again. Podcast out.