Distractible - Worm Love

Episode Date: August 2, 2024

Would you still love Distractible if it was a worm? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Vitamin Water. Everyone knows that New York City has got to be one of the most stylish, diverse, and fun places in the world. And you could see all that character in Vitamin Water, which was born in New York because New Yorkers wanted more. It comes in a range of flavors that match the vibrancy of the city and brings the New York vibe wherever you are. Grab a Vitamin Water today. This episode is brought to you by Vitamin Water. So much of what the world is obsessed with starts out in New York City. It's a place full of style and character that has something for everyone.

With a range of flavors to meet any kind of taste, it's no wonder Vitamin Water was born there. Colorful, flavorful, anything but boring, Vitamin Water injects a daily dose of vibrancy into a watered-down life. Grab vitamin water today. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Mammoth Mark purchases pallets, has big floating balls, and proposes polymorphic partners. Wavering Wade goes to extraordinary Aussie eateries, mimics Musk,

and barely resists bisecting his bride. Beautiest Bob fears falling afoot sells out for speed, but takes his vows seriously until the hammer drops. From being too brainy to love's limits lost. Yes It's time for worm love now sit back and prepare to be distracted and Enjoy the show Hi, welcome to the podcast. This is distractible distra ct i b l e S-T-R-A-C-T-I-B-L-E.

I have a bad feeling about this. What? What do you mean? There's a lot of spelling in the introduction. I don't like it. There's actually no spelling at all in the rest of the episode, maybe. I don't believe you, and I'm afraid. S-P-E-L-L.

Yes, very good. I'm not gonna give you a point for that. It's both what you do when you're trying to write a word and also if you are a witch That's the kind of quality comedy that you can expect here at this podcast if this is your first time joining us Hey, remember to subscribe and like or something. My name is Markiplier I'm here to guide you through an experience unlike any other where we're gonna solve all of your problems before you even ask it.

You ready? All your problems gonna be solved. You better write this down. Oh, okay, good. And the people that are gonna be solving your problems are these two fine, fine, fine, fine gentlemen right here. Hi. I'll let Wade introduce himself

even though he needs no introduction. Hello, I'm Wade. There's more to me than that. I'm bald. I have a YouTube channel, Twitch channel. I'm on this podcast. I started exercising recently. Started doing some sit ups and push ups.

Nothing too crazy, but sit ups and push ups every day. And then I've been playing basketball. So trying to lose some weight. But I think right now I'm in the bulking up muscle phase because like the weight's staying the same Though I do feel things are happening. So I think it's getting better, but weight hasn't dropped yet, but I'm okay with that That's alright. That's okay. Anyway, that's that's who Wade is Wade introduce Bob. This is Bob That sounds like those commercials from like ten years ago. No, I'm fine with that. I'm fine Do you mean the Cialis commercials the dick pills? Yeah. No, that's fine. That's fine. No, I'm fine with that. I'm fine. Then you mean the Cialis commercials? The dick pills.

Yeah, no, that's fine. That's fine. Oh, right. This is Bob. Bob can't have sex, cause his we don't get hard or whatever they say in those commercials. I didn't say that.

This is Bob and Bob will talk about himself because I don't want to. Presumptive. Ooh. Okay, well Bob can talk about himself, but I feel like I shouldn't speak for Bob. Not presumptive enough. This is Bob Okay, well Bob can talk about himself, but I feel like I shouldn't speak for Bob. Not presumptive enough.

This is Bob, and Bob might speak for himself because I maybe won't. Exactly presumptive enough. Yeah, hi. I was the host last time because I'm good and smart and I'm probably going to win this one because still good, still smart. Ready for action, ready to solve problems. Good, because we do have a lot of problems but Before we get into the problems. I have a problem. That is nothing to do with this episode

Is it that your frog is stuck in a yellow chair? No, it's not stuck. It's relaxing resting. It's having a good time My problem is I am too smart for my own good. I've always thought that about you. I got a baseball bat own good. I've always thought that about you. I got a baseball bat. I fix you. Two toes Johnny's coming back. I was out here fixing problems today. I got fixed for that one. Come on. Why don't you come over here? Why don't you come on over here? I'll fix it. I'll fix you. Yeah. No, I don't think I will. And it's not because it's not because I don't appreciate the effort. It's because my problem actually is different. So you guys know how I'm trying to do

this stupid server and render farm thing, right? Yeah, that's true. So in my genius, I was like, I'll buy some more solar panels. Cause right now you can actually get them for fairly affordable rates. The prices have come down. Dude, everything is so cheap in Mark's world.

Where do you live? That every servers are cheap, processors are cheap. He's Markiplier, so he has his own version of eBay he can log into where everything's just discounted for him. If you buy refurbished things, you can get them at cheaper prices, way cheaper, and they're only partially used. Solar panels are good for 25 years,

and they lose, they have a rating of how much power drop that they'll experience over a period of time. The quality is so much worse though. I bought used dinner and it was terrible. Yes, I'll have the refurbished ribeye and the potatoes off that lady's plate over there. I you know Tyler was telling me something about that that didn't seem correct, but I didn't doubt it enough It seemed plausible where he was saying that he suspected that some of the food that he was getting was glued together meat Have you heard of this? I have heard of this actually and I got news for people about how muscle fibers work in the body But no, I've seen I've seen that that people look look this is like two separate pieces. It's just stuck together

Is it but it's not the manufacturer the manufacturer the the oh slip mark knows the secrets He let us do you let it out you heard it here first It's not the trimmings of the meat that are then super glued back together It's just that muscle fibers have attachments It's just that muscle fibers naturally are in groups even Even in the same muscle, there are separate fibrous groups. I don't know the terminology, but like it's not that crazy to find. Anyway, I've seen this.

People always look crazy when I see them online talking about this stuff, but maybe I haven't seen the right glued together meat products. We should get Tyler some tin foil so he can make a new hat. It's like, I don't know if that would be more cost effective than what they already do with the trimmings, which is not waste them. They grind them up.

Make them into ground beef or whatever. Ground beef or chicken nuggets, you know, they don't waste any of that. There's no real point in gluing it back together, especially because I feel like that would come back to buy you if regulators. That's just extra labor, which is expensive. That is true actually. It's not like you're saving money because you're rescuing meat products

You're just paying someone to do something to make a shittier product that that you sell for less Theoretically, maybe you sell for more because it's good. I don't know just seems crazy doesn't make sense It might but who knows anyway, not my problem The thing is like if you get things you get them refurbished and you do you put some DIY? Spirit into there. You can get things at pretty good rates. Now that being said, I am spending more because I'm investing in building something, that's why I'm doing it. I bought solar panels, right?

And so you can read online that this solar panel is like 65 inches by 44 inches is about the dimension of this panel, and I'm like, okay that I got that size in my head I ordered you can order them by the palette there you get bulk pricing and I'm like, okay, I'm at that I think that this area could cover about 28 to 30 maybe solar panels depending on how I arrange it. There's a palette here says 31 Refurbished high quality barely a few years old. I'll get it. That pallet weighs 1,680 pounds.

And my hero of a FedEx freight person got it delivered down my driveway. Oh wow. Ah, look at it dude. One guy is like looking at his chart, he's like, oh no. Your driveway is treacherously steep. I cannot imagine. I was ready.

I told them I was ready. Yeah, just put it at the top. I'll bring them down one at a time. And even then, if I had to deal with that, I would be looking at a nightmare because 65 inches is 5 foot 6. That's taller than you. No, no, it's shorter than me! Oh, okay. It's half an inch shorter than you, you're right. It's close enough where I had to think about it.

But they're very large, right? If it was in this room, the pallet would take up like 70% of the room. Oh, Jesus, that's enormous. Well, you have 31 things that are basically five and a half feet by what? Four feet ish. They're all as almost as tall as Mark and wider than I am, which is to say extremely wide. Yeah, they're huge. They're enormous and I have to haul them up onto my roof. It's really nice of you to put all that power right back in the grid and not get any for yourself though Yeah, you're not gonna hook those up to your house, right? You're just gonna keep you're just gonna send that juice into the grid Yeah, that's what I just do in my public duty, you know, just really really got to do it for the people

I imagine some poor guy working on a power line and then mark just plugs this thing in like a Christmas tree and all the Power goes flying this guy like Hermit scream well Wilhelm the line bulges as the tsunami of power comes down the line Adam like a cartoon It's just like oh Lightning bolts wearing sunglasses are coming out the sides Some of them have guitars playing rock and roll songs it's crazy yeah anyway so that's my my latest my latest issue I'm gonna have Jason come over and just get like some some ropes put him up there do we know who Jason is is that a name we're supposed to know you don't know Jason Jason for he's some friend you are yeah Jason for he He's strong as shit. He can get him up there.

He could probably lift the whole pallet. It's nice you let him kill a couple people. And he doesn't even need a helmet because he's got the mask and the bald. Is he bald? Is that canon? Isn't he? Jason Voorhees bald? Question mark. He's kind of bald and veiny. Yeah. Oh no, he's got stringy hair in the back. He's baldish. He's always atop when we're together, so I've never seen the back of his head. He's described as bald. But I'm seeing stringy hair. Maybe that's just stuck on from his victims. Ah, whatever.

It don't matter. That's my problem, but it's also not the problem. I just wanted to mention that because these things, when you get them, you're like, I got such a great deal, and then the burden of the experience of them. He shaved his head as a sign of love and respect. Oh wait, no, this is a different Jason. This is a TikTokker. My bad, nevermind.

I was like, why did Jason shave his head? Like, he shaves? Like, I imagine Jason Voorhees with his ax, like. Gotta keep it clean and crisp over here. No, that exact situation that you're in, Mark, is I will say the main thought that I have that scares me away from doing a lot of ideas that I have.

Because I, to probably misquote an engineering cliche, I am absolutely the guy who would forget the books. In the parable about the architect who designs the most beautiful library ever built, and then it gets built, and it's wonderful, and then they put all the books in and it starts sinking because he forgot to accommodate the weight of all the books that would be need extra foundational.

I don't know, that's probably untrue, but I do that all the time. I do that so hard. I do that with little things. If I ordered a palette of something, I would be so fucked. It would show up and I would be like, oh no. I don't have a palette oh no. I don't have a pallet jack I don't I have one dinky dolly and I have to carry these over one at a time and then I'm gonna have two two guys on

Ladders how so they're big how much do they weigh cuz solar panels can be very thin in line I'm assuming these are not like super lightweight. Okay, the pallet was 1680 divided by 31 This isn't exactly but they're about 50 this is 54 pounds I think they're about 50 pounds. That's not like horrific but getting 50 pounds up a ladder by yourself is not super doable at least not 30 times. No that's a lot of bags of M&M peanuts 54 of them. That's like the whole display of M&M peanuts. Anyway that's it what are you going on your guys left?

Mark you remember how I asked you to help me build some deck stairs Situations getting real dire I the other day I went out back and I like to walk down the steps and you know when you walk over an area And you hear that like crunch crumble and you're like, oh always good with wood Yeah I looked back and one of the stringers one of the things on the edge of the stairs That like the board is I it was just like Like wet cardboard like peeling crumbling off like terrible very unsafe situations over here

I really needed you to come through with me on the stairs situation, but now I'll figure it out Do something man if that breaks you're gonna plummet what? Eight inches? Try 12. Oh, well then the splinters probably would be pretty bad. Okay. The wood's so wet and soggy though. I don't even know if it can splint. What do you call it?

It's a smusher when it's wet wood. Oh damn, I got a smusher. I think Mark should fly out tomorrow and build you some steps. Yeah, no, I mean, he owes it to me. In other news, I think I'm a bad car guy. You guys aren't really car guys along with me So just maybe not I I have a I have a fun car

My Subaru is fun and I've done fun things to it But I the other day I was going out on my own to like run an errand and I was like Oh, I'll take my car and we'll zip it around a little bit You know, just just hit the acceleration a little bit see and I took it out and I and I gunned it and shift you know hit the shift and as I was slowly accelerating in my very slow car my brain was like you should have just taken the Tesla it's way faster my stupid electric vehicle has ruined all the fun of my slow internal combustion engine car our family Tesla is so much faster and more torquey than my Subaru, it's sad. So anyway, I'm a bad car. I'm not a cool car guy who likes cool cars. I'm a sellout who likes fast

things. And it turns out electric cars are real fast. They go zoom, but quietly. They go... That's like the play of Scooby Doo I saw. It was like the opening right before they start the Scooby Doo song. You saw a play of ScoobyDoo as the ghost pops out from the curtain and is floating around so you do do interesting things You just don't tell us about it. Where do you see a play of? Oh, it does all kinds of shit He never talks about on here There's a dinner theater here in Cincinnati called La Comedia and we went recently and saw a Wizard of Oz there Wizard of Oz has so much more stuff going on in play form than I would have thought.

Cause I've seen, we've seen several plays over there. So basically you go, you go up on the stage, there's a buffet, you grab food, you go back to your seat, you eat, whatever. The buffet's on the stage? Yeah. And then they clean off the stage. They roll the buffet off the stage. Then they like get things set up for the play to start.

This sounds like the most fantastically interesting place I've ever heard of. I've never experienced this. You didn't think it was worth to talk about? I swear we went there for like a school field trip one time. Maybe you didn't, but I swear, like, Milford went there. I don't know about this at all. Well, look it up. Look up Locomedia. L-A-C-O-M-E-D-I-A.

But every two or three months, they'll change out what play is happening. So recently it was Wizard of Oz, and we went to see it. We went up to the stage. They've got this buffet of like, I don't know, chicken, fish, salad, potatoes, mac and cheese. Then they'll have like sliced ham, sliced, what was it? Like a roast beef or something like that. It was very good. You get your food, you go back to your table, you get the chance to go up for like seconds if you want. And then they clear the stage,

they start setting up and then the play will start. They'll do like the first half of the play, in this case with the first half of Wizard of Oz, and they'll be like an intermission break where they'll bring out like desserts or after dinner drinks like coffee or you know wine or whatever you want, bathroom break, and then they'll do the second half of the play, head out and you actually get to like if you want to you can wait and meet the cast of the play on your way out and like talk to them. Huh, that's crazy. That sounds super cool. It sounds fun. Yeah, Wizard of Oz, very technical. They have the whole tornado that they did on stage. They have the witch flying around. They've got like Dorothy swinging in the wind of the tornado.

So like there's a bunch of people like on cables flying around and they don't just do it on stage. They like go over the audience and stuff. It's just very, there was a lot more going on for Wizard of Oz than I would have expected because it seems so simple. They have pyrotechnics so there's like fire and spells and stuff. It was like, dude, I thought this would be like the simplest play.

Do they have real flying monkeys or do they just put monkeys on wires? It's a person in a costume that does go on the wires and fly. Wow, that's just lazy. You could definitely get trained monkeys, I'm just saying. I'm pretty sure they actually melted the witch. Either that or maybe there's a hole in the floor, but like she was gone, man.

Yeah, you go through a lot of aspiring actresses in this one. They do the play like twice a day for like three months. They go through a lot of witches. Man,, you know, uh easy come easy go I think yeah That's what queen said when they watched wizard of oz. It's actually what that song is about Freddie mercury went to a stage play of the wizard of oz saw the witch melt and was like wow easy come easy go Huh? Hey spillach. No, we will not let you go. Let him go All the band members looked at each other in the third row, we're like,

oh, oh, oh. Oh. Oh. We gotta get out of here. For sure it's canon, however, but human rhapsody came to be. Yeah, Locked Media's really cool, and I don't remember what the ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

got me there, I don't remember what we're talking about, but. Talking about Scooby-Doo play, cause ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. There are some things that like I've just done several times since I was a kid because like my grandparents like to go there so like I don't even think of those as being like unique experiences because I've gone. He's so cultured. Been to Broadway 13 times.

It's not even really an event for him. It's just part of my entitled life. You know it slipped my mind. My family actually owns our own Falcon 9 rocket with crew capsule And we actually visit that we summer on the moon, but we do it every year I was like that's not it. I'm gonna bring that up. That's why it four letters man Lord Wade musk They're all four letters. They're all me He also four letters. That's why you were throwing people off when you when you said Ellen musk. It's been me

That's why you were throwing people off when you when you said Ellen Musk. It's been me Glad you like my Tesla Bob. Don't pay attention to my social media. I'm crazy Is that the greatest Elon impression I've ever heard? Holy shit. I'm gonna cross out your name on this. Wait, you're gonna be Elon. God, I hope I don't win. I hate to see if I host. All right, there you go. And it's true, if Elon wins, he'll be hosting the next episode. Can't wait for that.

All right, we're moving on to the actual episode. You both have significant others, correct? Yes. I hope so. Yeah, others that are significant to you. Haven't checked today, but last I checked, yeah. That's weird. Maybe you should check.

Well, sometimes I wonder if my entire life's a figment of my imagination, but that's another episode. If your life is a figment of your imagination? It's the whole brain in the vat thought, like the philosophical thing of like, dude, am I in a coma dreaming that my life is real? We are a brain in a vat. Well, that's another, listen,

again, another episode, another day. All right, so well, this actually ties into the, Elon's on a hot streak, because this ties into the episode. Has your significant other ever asked you this specific question? Would you still love me if I was a worm? No, she did ask me if balls float in a pool.

Like human balls or like? Yeah, like male testicles. I don't know the answer to that. Well, when I'm, when I'm floating in a pool, I know that the rest of my body is submerged, but I'm held up by my Titanic balls floating across the surface. See mine are the anchor. The rest of me flows, but my balls are just pulling me down. I don't know which of those is better.

I don't want either. One ball floats up, one ball floats down. Perfect equilibrium. No, my balls are neutrally buoyant. I'm like a submarine. And three balls were given to the race of men. He's killing it. He's crushing it.

He's crushing it today. Elon is known for his sense of humor. To answer your question, Mark, no, I don't think so. Okay, no, really? Have you heard of this question? Did it originate with Heidi Klum in her costume? No, that actually was spawned from this idea. Oh, okay. So for a few years ago,

it was really, I don't know why, but it was a really common thing for his meme where a girlfriend would ask a boyfriend, oh, would you still love me if I was a worm? You ever heard of this? No, but the answer is probably no. Oh Is it though? Whoa yikes. Well, okay You have to think about what goes along with being a worm You wouldn't have the brain the ability to talk you wouldn't look that you wouldn't be the same at all No, but see you're making you're making a lot of assumptions there

that you're supposed to explore. This is not, you are converted into what we know as a normal whatever earthworm. This is an anthropomorphic, so it's just hypothetical, that's the one. It's like Animorphs where Tobias became a hawk and got stuck as a hawk, but he was still Tobias? There's a few different levels with which this can happen so we'll explore from different

aspects but let's establish some ground rules you are in the same room with them as a human you watch them and they go oh no and they turn into a worm in front of you they plop on the ground and they're on earthworm. Good thing I was already going fishing today. Jesus Christ. Can they still talk to you? Yeah, okay, so that's a lot more specific of assumptions than I was operating on. So they are like a small, regular sized earthworm creature.

We're gonna start with that for now, but they have turned in and they turned in screaming. It was like AHHHHH OH GOD REMEMBER ME I HOPE YOU STILL LOVE ME And then they're a worm they can't talk they're just flopped down the ground. What do you do? Ask why the fuck aren't you still wearing your wedding ring? Hahahaha You take that ring, you slam it on that earth or what are you doing? I look I would look around as to the source of what the fuck just happened

You can't you don't see anything. It's a D&D campaign all of a sudden Yeah, yeah, okay. I roll a perception the warm encounter Okay, I do an arcana check to see what kinds of magic were used No, mostly cuz I don't know what that is. I would get a terrarium you get a terrarium Yeah, well to for starters at the very least You gotta get them something safe to be in for a minute. Uh-huh. Okay. All right, that's good. That's good Yeah, so you would immediately be like, oh god, what is a worm need? I got a oh, yeah pretty much Cuz what if they turn back? What if it's like, okay, they turned in what if they could turn back if they live in a world?

Where that's possible then the theory of assumption you have to operate under is they're still them, they could be reconverted into a human or something, right? So you gotta keep them safe. Yeah, I would get something to keep them alive like that. After a few- No, you went fishing, you already gave your answer. Well, I would also have a few minutes of being upset that I didn't have an anti-cam,

because I was like, dude, if I had captured that and posted that as a video, oh my God, Wyrm Lyfe and I could retire. Oh man, that's a damn shame, Wade. That's a damn shame. Elon, sorry, Elon. Maybe I'd take her to the vet. To the vet?

The worm vet? Do you have a pill or something that could turn her back? I assume she doesn't wanna be a worm, I don't know. Here's the next step. So you've taken it into a terrarium, you've got a little, you're trying to get help. We were assuming like, okay, it's a worm, it couldn't possibly have your significant other's brain. What if it still did? Like, it was them.

It? This is your significant other, dude. No, this is your significant other, who is purely an object to me. I'm just kidding, I'm sorry. So they have all their thoughts and they're trying to communicate with you. What about them? Would you love that worm? Yeah. Yeah, they're still yeah Yeah I mean if I if that if I saw that my wife if I saw Molly turn into a worm and then She was trying to communicate stuff and be like, yeah, I'd be freaking the fuck out trying to like help. Okay. All right

You wouldn't date again. I would wonder if I cut her in half if she would still be alive in two halves Why do you wonder these things? I wouldn't do it but like the thought would cross my mind. Would she grow back? That's not how worms work. Could she turn into a blue-tailed skink instead? We'll get there, we'll get there. All right, okay, but you would, would would you stay true loyal? Yeah. You could have some interesting sex. Yes, but I don't know how long worms live. And that seems like a bad compared to the length of a human life. That seems like a bad time. Not long around me, probably.

I don't think there's a way out of that where I don't know how long the worms live for, like a couple of weeks, a month. Oh, up to 10 years. Oh, yeah. Okay. Well, then is she like a new worm or is she like a partially aged worm at this point? You know, a whatever percentage of their life, that's how far into wormdom life they are. Yeah. You love the worm and you take care of the worm person version. But I would say after the worm diseases,

I don't know emotionally how that would play out. But at some point, I would hope I would like be able to emotionally to move on and not be obsessed with the fact that this happened and then my significant other died and the rest of my life is sadness and agony as I try and figure out what the fuck happened. Like it's like when a normal significant other spouse passes away, like you don't have to devote the rest of your life exclusively to that person, but you should remember them and respect like what happened. So I don't know. It's hard to say, but that's not great.

I would say I would hope I would emotionally be able to like recover enough to where I could have other people who were alive, humans, who I could also care about. Would you put them out of their misery? Would you take a rock? I don't think so. Would you go fishing with them? Go fishing? I don't know, that them out of their misery? Would you take a rock? I don't think so. Would you go fishing with them? Go fish?

I don't know, that's adding to their misery. No, I feel like until the moment they're not alive anymore, it's a quest to fix it, right? It's a quest to figure out how you change them back. You know what I'm thinking of that's interesting. Is this like time dilation in terms of like space time stuff? When they're a worm, their life is converted into a percentage and then they age two years as a worm, but then they turn back into a human.

They're not two years human older, they're like a decade old, like they- Oh, interesting. The speed of aging is different. How does the proportionality of the age convert between existences? Oh, I don't know. I mean, that's crossing the bridge

of if they can even turn back at all. Yeah, what if they don't all turn back? What if they're half worm, half human? Which half? Left. Yeah, which half? Left half worm, right half human. Ah, that's the worst way to split it up.

Come on, man. Okay, right half worm. No. Front half worm. Is it a worm aid? Is it a worm aid or? Is it a Wormade or not? A Wormade! Now that is intriguingly terrifying.

Okay, left and right's gotta be better than front and back, right? Like front half worm? I don't know. I'm not sure if that's true. Uh, alright. Rolls are reversed. You guys are turned into worms. Oh, crush me. Fucking end me. What would you want your significant other to do in that case? Fix it, help. Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it.

We had a deal. I don't wanna eat dirt and shit. In sickness and in health, worm is implied. Worm is in there, worm is in the unspoken part of that. Sickness, health, worm, other creatures. Quick death. Death, you want death, instant how? Are you assuming that creatures? Quick death. Death? You want death? Instant how?

Are you assuming that like you're suffering or something? Why quick death? I don't know. I imagine like if I'm retaining all of my memories and I'm losing so many different things that I was able to think in or do or whatever, like all of a sudden my entire life is just sitting in an aquarium,

rolling in some dirt and looking out through glass. Like, man, I remember when I used to sit in a chair. That was cool. Ah, video games. Those were fun. Do I even have ears? Can I hear? I will acknowledge it's a very bad thing,

but one bad thing happens and you're like, ah, I give up. Just kill me. Just get this over with. I mean, it's not like you lost a finger or like you went blind. This is like, you are fully a fucking worm. Yeah, but you don't know if you can go back or not. No eyes, no like what senses do you have as a worm? I think you're blind. I think you're blind sense of touch. Definitely hearing maybe. I don't

know. There's no way worms have hearing in the way that humans do like ear, eardrums and stuff. Oh, come on. You can believe a little more. They have no eyes, they have no ears, but they can tell light from dark and they can sense the vibrations of sound. No nose, yet can smell and taste which foods to eat. I don't know how. This dirt, that dirt, poo? I don't know. If I've got my memories, I'm like, oh man, I remember eating a steak.

And then I'm like, but boy, this poo pile sure looks good. I mean, that would be your steak. Do you think if you turn into a worm, you'll have an irresistible urge to crawl out onto the sidewalk during rain? I thought about that. I was like, dude, the really worst way to go would be like make my dirt wet

and make me crawl across the burning driveway until I dry out or a bird gets me. What if your significant other puts you in a terrarium but then they're moving on while you're still watching so they bring another guy in and they're like, oh. And they make me watch? That's fucked, good thing I can't see. Yeah, no.

I can feel the sex, I feel it. He sensed the vibration. That's doggy, I feel it. That's terrible, that's terrible. Man, what a fate would befall you. Okay, alright. But you would hope that they would still love you and care for you, but one of you wants to be put out of your misery. Yeah, but she's gonna be with a super villain.

He's gonna come to the aquarium and like talk shit to me, be like, that's right, I have taken your loved one, and I'm going to murder some puppies, and I'm evil, and you can't tell anyone. Or if it is the guy that turned you into a worm, that's different. That's a different question. I'd fucking crawl on. Make him uncomfortable. Make him feel some wet, slimy worm.

I'd smear his calf with my goop. I gotta say, it would be one dimensional, but think of how good a dancer you'd be. You'd have one move. But he'd be really good at it and you could dig with your mouth That's also true not just laying on your stomach using your teeth like dig a hole I don't know if that's really analogous to what it's like to be a worm But I get what you're going for you have mouth up here. So you'd be like All right. Yeah, so Wade's already into it. All right, so flipping it back again Is there any but you'd love a worm, right?

That's- that's really the concern that a lot of- a lot of girls had or other partners in a relationship Was that like if you- if you turned into a worm, would you love them? Still love them? Yeah. Yeah. But- but it doesn't sound- doesn't sound like they're loving you, but you could love them. Is there any animal that they could turn into that you wouldn't love them as? No, lack the capacity or ability to take care of them? Possibly. If they turned into like a hammerhead shark.

I don't know if I could build an aquarium house to keep them at home in or what exactly. Like there's, but that would not be a demonstration of my love fading. That's more of practicalities of bigger the animal, the more complex the habitat requirements, the tougher it's going to be to keep the family together kind of situation. Yeah. Something dangerous would be, would suck.

Also something like a rabbit where she just like shits all over the house. It's like, Oh, Molly, quit fucking leaving these pellets everywhere. I keep stepping in them. If I got turned into a hammerhead shark and Amy threw me in the ocean, I'd be so mad. I'd be so pissed. They had to get you the shallowest tank imaginable. No deep water for this guy. Your gills are just partially covered so it's like you're struggling for breath at every second.

Preferable to ocean. Yeah, I would rather take that. For sure. But you would be the predator in the ocean, like what would they be afraid of if you are the shark? It doesn't matter, I'm in the ocean! There's killer whales in the ocean! The Meg. The Meg. You know, when you say the Meg, I don't even think of... I don't think of shark, I think of Jason Statham.

Just for some reason. What about the insects? Like spiders or something maybe? Like, I think it turned into like a black widow? That would suck. You could keep black wid- people have, I mean, it's not advisable maybe, but- Centipede or a millipede? Millipedes are okay. Centipedes I understand. That's terrible. So you wouldn't love a centipede? I mean, I would still love, just like the, like, probably the thing to take care of, it's like, I don't wanna hire someone to come care for you. That doesn't sound like love.

That doesn't sound like love, man. I mean I'd suck it up and probably do it but like I wouldn't be happy about it. I don't think that's love. I'm pretty sure that ain't it. I don't know if I'm not an expert on love but I don't think that is. I'm pretty sure even as humans you can be put in a situation where when someone cares for you it becomes a lot. Much less if you're fucking a fucking worm or centipede.

That's a good point I suppose. This is I have no fun at these sorts of games because I'm this person but all of this to me is very similar to would you still love your partner if they were in a coma for whatever reason right? Yeah. And I feel like if your answer to that is no, that's fucked up. And a lot of people would probably agree with that. And I, part of the point of the question I think is like, oh, well, you just like me for my body, right? So if

I'm a worm, then I'm not, I don't look how I look now. And if that is, that's not a good reason not to love someone, but like other people can think other things than I do. I don't think anything would really change my love. I think there's just a lot of practical questions about what animal is this and what do they require to be taken care of. What are you? There's a lot of practical steps to be taken in this scenario and it's complicated. You only eat Tasmanian devil where do I get that out in Ohio? I'm glad you mentioned that because I'm gonna turn this around. You're in the same room with your significant other and they go,

Oh no! I'm changing! And they don't shrink down into a worm. They turn into a human-sized worm and then slam onto the ground. They're a massive like foot-wide hot dog of a worm. You know a hot dog a foot wide? They got ballpark, foot longs, foot wides, you know hot dog stuff. Anyway yeah so they turned into a human size worm. That just means a bigger tank and a lot more dirt. Yeah it's a worm basement. Or you could go fishing and

catch some really big fish. You can catch a meg. You can catch the meg, man. With a hot dog that big. I'm gonna need a bigger hook. No, that's not the line. Open the tackle, open the tackle box. It's like, no, grab an anchor. It's like, oh, here we go. All right. Yeah. But they're a, they're a, they're a human sized worm. There's a lot of concerning realities of that, but they still, they have all the, they don't have eyes and ears. They have all the worm stuff, right? Still a worm, yeah.

Yeah, it was just a real big something. That's somehow less concerning to me than the tiny worm. Oh, I find it much more concerning, but in a... Now I can like, patter on the head or something without having to worry about squishing her so easily. Like, you know, now there's... Well, that's one of my questions. The skin of this giant foot wide worm, is it a proportionally tensile strength?

Is it proportional or does it have the tensile strength of a squish? Oh yeah, yeah. Because a thing that size with the skin of a small worm would just... It's weird in a way that it doesn't exist in real life and so it would be weird if that existed and it wasn't my significant other. The significant other part is an additional twist. It's just weird to me, but like, yeah, I still love giant foot wide worm, Mandy. You said there's a lot of questions in your tone there. Well, I just got to sort out what exactly that means and figure out what a giant foot

wide worm needs to live in this world, but I'm sure that that's doable. The foot-wide worm Mandy wants to continue the relationship just as normal. Still wants to sleep in the bed. Don't want to eat three regular human meals a day. So it's like the instead of having like your own little sheets and comforter, you've got a planter next to you with just some dirt for her to lay in. Well the whole point is all it needs to keep the skin moist so you know you could rig up some kind of like Mr. System. Baby's crying. You wake up Worm Mandy and you're like, you're turned. The baby wakes up crying and Worm Mandy leans over and jabs me.

And I sit up and I look at her and I go, oh, the worm has turned. And I go get the baby. Oh, very good. Is that implying there's some prejudice against the worm? That doesn't sound like love. Hey, that's normal, okay? People who love each other can argue and jab. All right, you guys are turned into giant human-sized worms.

What would you do? I would try to type on a keyboard with my head to order a palette of 31 solar panels, and I would ask them to drop it on me to ensure my demise quicker. Man, this dude just gives up at the first side of worm troubles. I also just like the visual of a big worm splat. Also wouldn't it make more sense to order a giant boot? Or a giant bird. The Meg of birds. The early giant bird gets the early giant worm. I, can I just say if I realized in time that this was happening,

I would take the once in a lifetime opportunity to quote and reenact the scene from the Disney movie Hercules where the Hades minions pain and panic fail at converting Hercules into a human and he gets mad at them and they go, we are worms, worthless worms as they convert into worms. I would do that just because when else is that going to come up? But that's unrelated to really the rest of this. I would just, if I got there fast enough in my head, I would do that because I would want to do that. What a reference. That's a crazy deep cut there, man. I would see if I could get my old face tattooed onto my worm head

and then maybe have like some weird body suit I could climb into that has arms and legs where I could try to. They call that the reverse Heidi Klum. I wear a human suit. I don't know how I'd control it, but I would try to find a way. The Heidi Klum thing is good. Well, your significant other turns into a worm, but they still have the face, their old face.

They can still talk and look around, eyeballs, ears, all of it, but just attached to a foot wide worm. Is the face skin the texture of worm skin or more of a human-y texture? Oh no, it's all all worm but the bone structures are there. I still feel like that's pretty easy I'd be I'd be fine with that. Oh I looked up the Heidi Klum costume. It's very concerning looking. If we could uh if we could actively communicate though I feel like that makes everything better versus a scenario where they're just a worm who

can't talk or anything and it's like how do you even what are we communicating? They could talk and they got their face easy. It'd work still in sickness and in health. Yeah, not worried about it All right. Okay. All right Wade. Yeah face. I agree I mean, I don't have anything else to add if they had the the more human the better. So yeah, I'll take face Let me just remind you of what Heidi Kloom's costume looks like. I Remember that horrible melty jobba the Hutt face. Oh, don't worry. I'm bringing it back. That, but you're a significant other. Yeah.

There's still love and a lot of concerning feelings, but there's definitely still love. They give you that look from across the room. I realize I was a bad person in life and I'm in hell, but I still love them. Hahahaha! Wow, okay, alright, yeah. I was a bad person in life and I'm in hell, but I still love them Wow, okay. All right. Yeah, you know what just when I think you're you're you're in the right space Yeah, just put if you okay. Wait, you're a worm. You're a foot wide worm with your face You can still talk in here. Would you still want them to crush you with a one thousand six hundred? Like the movie alien where they find all of the experiments just laying on the table.

They're like, kill me. I don't know, I guess it depends. I'd have to have the sensation of that feeling to really know how I'd feel. I don't know. Editors, turn him into a worm. Ha ha ha. Kill me.

I mean, like if I was in that scenario and I could still communicate, my main message would be like, oh, give up. This sucks. Move on. It's okay. And I would be very understanding, but I don't, I would feel bad.

I'm attracted to worms now. It's not you. It's me. You would be the one to break up with them. I never realized how into worms I am till I was one. How do worms reproduce? Eggs? Wait, we learned this in school.

I don't recall. Okay, I have at least two holes I know of. Ah, okay, two worms line up inverted from each other, so sperm can be exchanged. Oh, they have two male openings and two sperm receptacles, so earthworms have a pair of ovaries, so they're, I believe, hermaphroditic. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to some like, worm orgies and shit then. Fuck that. I'm out.

Jesus, go to everyone else's significant other. Gathers all into a big worm pile. Yeah. We just lay 69 style in exchange. So, if you were turned into a worm, you would not love your significant other. That's kind of a power play move that I've never heard. I would love them if they turned into a worm, if I turned into a worm, you would not love your significant other That's kind of a power play move that I've never heard I would love them if they turn into a worm if I turn into a worm god, I probably want some other worms I'm too good for them if I'm the one Okay, I can't help but go for the comedy in this I can't help it no, I think it's your truth It's about as deep as I've ever explored this topic.

And I think we've answered it for everybody else, but anyone else got any contributions to make? I love my wife. I want to make that clear before we end this episode. Sure. I want to make that absolutely clear. Yeah, no, I don't wish for this to happen. So please, if you're out there and you're plotting something,

don't warn me. But if you want a list of acceptable animals, call me. Yeah. I mean, there's a, we could work something out if it needs to be an animal, but. Okay. What are the acceptable animals? That's for another episode. My no, it's for this episode. What is it, Wade? Okay. I would accept dog of generally most kinds. You want to them dog fuckers?

I'm done talking for the rest of the episode now. Go on, Wade. Look, just cause you want to go to the worm orgy doesn't mean that everyone else. Dog is good. Dog is good. I would also accept hawk or other predatory bird. That would be cool.

That would be cool. Yeah, something higher up in the food chain would be nice. Earthworm seems really low in the food chain. Like a leopard We could just fucking like climb a tree and chill on tree branches if I retain my personal Control and I don't have like animal instincts panda bear. I should be the friendly panda bear I would be into that like kung fu panda. Yeah. Yeah master mastery. Guay. I love that dude chimpanzee, dude I could be like King Louie. I want to be like you as I fling my poo around that's an orangutan. Yeah, he's definitely an orangutan

Yeah, I could be one of those I would want to be an elephant. Okay, that's fun. That's fun. I don't want to be anything like small and I don't want to be Prey, I definitely want to be like the killer. I'm exploring some parts of my brain I didn't know I had but yeah, I wanna fuckin' murder some innocent animals. Yeah, okay, all right. Like neighbor Jeremy got turned into a frog. I'm gonna fuckin' eat him. Fuck that guy.

What eats frogs? Cars in Australia? Dude, I'll be a car in Australia. Oi, mate, beep beep. Yeah, what if your significant other got turned into a living car? Dude, that'd be, is it be, what kind of car is it? What kind of car you want?

I mean, I'd love them either way, but I'm just curious what kind of car it is. I would love them either way too, but I'm just saying I could also help them pump the brakes, if you know what I mean. Is a car fucker over here? What are you, a car fucker? Open your trunk, baby. Pop the hood, let me take a look. Let me see what's in the funk. That's right, she's an EV.

All aboard! This is a four door. I don't know what that means. She has air conditioning and heat. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. What if your significant other turns into an anthropomorphized version of an animal? Like straight up Stewart little. That'd be cool. Okay. I was thinking like just a furry, but you're talking about like just an animal, actual animal. That's like, that's not what anthropomorphized means. Well, no, that might fall under that definition. Actually. I don't know.

I'm not an expert in anthropomorph. That's probably better than worm. I would I would prefer remain human as she is right now. But anthropomorphized animal character who like talks and stuff and be cool All right, then what if they turn into straight-up furry not like fursuit But furry like Bugs Bunny in a dress I mean still probably better like worm is one of the lower like options, you know, that's probably still better than that I'm still on board. Do do I I mean, I might choose to anyway, but do I have to wear my own for Zona to like fit in with them?

Or can we be human and furry together in public? Depends on whether they want to get this, because I don't have one. I'm not like vehemently opposed to adopting that to make it work. Well, they're expensive. So you got to think of that investment. I my main concern is that I'm a very warm blooded person. Like I'm always hot no matter what. And so I feel like if I had to wear a suit like that, I would just I would need that.

You need some Grubin salt or whatever the hell it was called. You know what it is. Don't don't don't tell what you know what it is. Gorbin salt. I'll give you a point if you can say the name of it Hey Gay salts. Can I have a point if I say the name of it? Yeah. Yeah, you can have a point Glover salt Hey, wait, I'll give you a point if you can say the name of the most commonly occurring naturally occurring element on earth of the most commonly occurring naturally occurring element on earth

It has ass I'll give either of you a point if you could say it acetate no no asthenium You know what a point for consistency mark because that's not the first or second time you've ever given me as stadium wait wait wait Adrian The element of Westphalia Look was Westphalia. Oh, is that the wind windabego? That's the one. Yes, the element is astatine That's not I said, isn't it? No, I said class He said like asked to die acetate or something. Oh cuz you have asked it and tight all together. Don't worry guys We'll get that eventually.

I'm calling it. The conclusion is, it's a conclusion that if your significant other did turn into a worm, you'd still love them, but there'd be limitations, the relationship would change significantly. And also Wade really wants to kill. Kill or be killed That's apparently Wade's entire world for you. It's a killer get killed world out there. It's an eat or get eaten world out there It's uh, what's the actual phrase? He's got it. It's a do or die world out there. He don't got it All right, so we're totally up Elon got one point for being Elon three balls to men. I don't remember what that is I thought you were talking about early 2000s boys Music groups. Yeah, you know balls to men balls to men three balls were given to the race of men already fishing

I'd I fucking crawl on him when the villain Already fishing, I'd fucking crawl on him when the villain came by. Uh, too good for them if you got turned into a worm and like, what are you, a car fucker? No, he said dog fucker. Alright, Bob, you got Tesla's shame, you were shamed by your own other car. Uh, you got point for pointing out terrarium right away, which is like, I like that you thought about the care. Worm is implied, which was like I like that you thought about the care worm is implied Which I don't really remember you got footlongs you got footwides and then for some reason all caps we are worms The Hercules reference don't worm me bro, and then you got a point for glower assault so that puts you

Before seven to Wade 6. Alright. Elon 6. And even the point for Elon. Wait, why are you looking so disappointed? I really thought I killed it today. I was on top of the worm. Man, you made me laugh a lot. Wade was very funny today. Like, I thought funnier than me, but I'll take it.

If you got the globber assault, you really would have. That would have sealed the deal there. Or the ass. I didn't get the ass either. which I've already forgotten the word again Bob for the record wait Can you tell me what is the most commonly occurring naturally occurring element on earth? I'll give you two points Assamite assamite assamite that is incorrect. I'm sorry mark Didn't you say you just said the most common naturally occurring element on Earth. Yes. Is it still astatine? What?

I thought it was the, the, on the lower end of the, I thought it was metal or something like that. Oh, it might have been metal. Rare earth elements. Cause I believe hydrogen would still be pretty up there. Oh, yeah, okay, no, yeah, it was like metal or something, whatever. Hey, look, this is a long time ago, so I might follow you guys couldn't get the question right. Look, it's fine, whatever, it's fine, it don't matter. time ago it's not my fault you guys couldn't get the question right look it's fine whatever it's fine it don't matter mark it's the points for astatine astatine it's astatine

astatine all right Bob congratulations you squeaked out a winner and it's I think the power of love carried you through yeah I really I think I think Wade was funny but I think I was a human and that's why I won oh why worms not good enough for you no you're the one I believe who said that. No, worms were good enough for me. I was just, if I'm a worm, I'm too good for them. Whatever, you know what? I won because I'm better.

That's what happened and I deserve it. I'm better in general at everything. Congratulations to me. Loser speech commence. I thought a thought that I thought and I thought when I thought a thought that I thought. And I thought when I thought that thought, that the thought that I thought was thought. But what I thought, I thought not.

Because it was not the thought I thought that I thought. All right, good, good speech, good speech. All right, so I hope we've settled this debate once and for all, even though it was settled probably years ago. If your significant other turns into a worm, do whatever the hell we said and not what Wade said. Gotta go fishing. Thank you. Thank you guys for participating. Check out our merch or else DistractableStore.com T-I-S-T-R-A-C-T-I-B-L-E-S-T-O-R-E.com

If you don't, we will know. This has been Mark, Bob, and Wade, hitting you again with another episode of Distractable. And we'll do another one either at the end of next week or the beginning of next week. Sometime soon. Just start counting. It'll be there. Oh, I love today. Friday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday. Wednesday?

Wrong. Incorrect. Wow. Podcast up.