Distractible - Worst Piece of Sh*t Episode Ever

Episode Date: February 21, 2022

By the way, Wade’s dogs are doing fine. Thanks for asking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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The gents have gathered for a rant that found the ballpen of brilliance all but empty. It's time for the worst piece of shit episode ever. Please prepare to heckle and enjoy the show. Hello, and welcome back to Distractible. I am your host for the day. My name is Bob. This is a podcast... Hi, Bob. Woo, go, Bob! Yeah! Woo!

Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Yeah! Yeah, thank you. I deserve that. Good job. Yeah, you do.

Thank you. I am the host because I won last week because the way this podcast... You did! I did, it's true. You're welcome. Thank you. It's true you're welcome thank you uh it's true i won and i won because this podcast is a competition mark and wade my co-hosts say hi

co-hosts hi co-hosts yeah whatever you're not even my co-host that's not even right none of this matters uh they're competing to get points or not points i'll just arbitrarily pick a winner sometimes who knows or i'll keep track of some, but then forget that I'm doing that. Anyway, there's some kind of rules around this podcast and eventually somebody wins and they host the next one. That's about it. I'm trying to bring some formality back. I realized as I've been hosting every episode, I sort of declined into further and further into a pit of barely even explaining what's happening here. It's probably because I'm not good at it because what happens here is very wildly varied um but i don't know do you guys feel like i captured the essence of the podcast you're saying that what you just did was a more professional more to the core yes intro have you heard me host

before like i swear to god the last time i was like wonderful job hey this is distractible and we've had points or whatever i don't know okay let's talk about podcast stuff that's that's wade that's wade yeah i usually don't even know what the hell we're recording you guys just say hey we're doing something and i'm like all right i'll just do an intro for whatever well you you are when you were the host you get to pick what we do but wake him up from bed with an air horn you won you're the host yeah yeah all right well I'm better than I think I am then but anyway, well done Bob good show who won No, not yet. Not yet. How were how were the how are the pets? How are your pets? Oh? They're good. I think I've seen him in a couple minutes, but I think they're fine Whoa actual minutes or metaphorical minutes that means like hours or days or something they good

I don't know times an artificial construct. We're calling the cops right hours or days or something they good i i don't know time is an artificial construct we're calling the cops right now or what they eat they sleep they walk they play i think they're fine i seem happy oh that's good yeah that's pretty much the same as my dogs are doing so my dog is good she's having a good time it's windy right now she's almost loves that and doesn't like that because she hears the wind and is all like oh my god i gotta go out there and then she's in the wind and she's like ah it's blowing yeah it's hecking windy what wind do blow you ever seen that meme it's it's fucking windy no is it on vine i'll look it up later it's fine jesus christ is that a vimeo meme no it's a picture is that uh is that on uh stupid videos what you guys remember that website

that's an old one right no stupid videos no that sounds like the thing you're just making up to me right now that's what that sounds like that was a that was a site where they posted and i'll i'll quote it here stupid videos i've been on the internet a long time i have no idea what you're talking about what is the url uh i don't even know if it's still a thing stupid videos.com i googled stupid videos in the first videos marks that's based on your search history that's based on your search history no no no hold on what's mine oh no yeah i do have a video called stupid video stupid videos it's marks video on youtube called stupid video if you go over to the image stupid videos.com shows up yeah some logo

there what i went on before youtube someone was talking about in like a reddit post but yeah stupid videos is like a an old website collection of dumb videos well i'm going there now seeing if it's still up i don't think it exists i'd be surprised if it still did i mean i put that in and my computer is all uh yeah nothing's loading on that one yeah all right look so it's probably not from that they got two people trying to access the website and it just crashed uh anyway it wouldn't be sure i don't know where it's from but it's not that thing wade made up yeah my dogs are fine same old same old well that's good yeah the topic for the podcast i have a whole list of things that i draw from i think i'm up with some goddamn small talk questions my small talk game is weak what do

people talk about to pretend like they're humans and not lizards i don't know do we have a soldier boy update oh been a while i think there was actually no no way i think there was a couple weeks ago and i meant to bring it up, but I completely forgot. What happened? Soldier Boy. I'm trying to find that out. Soldier Boy. News. News around Soldier Boy. The frantic sounds of us Googling. There's articles about him in the last 24 hours.

No, what'd he do? I mean, seven days and 24 hours ago. Or two weeks ago. Apparently, Soldier Boy's fact-checking will be out here on some kind of claim. Soldier Boy's OnlyFans nudes are leaked ahead of release of his new docuseries the life of draco yeah that was three weeks ago was he gonna leak them during the docuseries well the only fans must be live i'm really afraid to go to onlyfans.com soldier boy but i am curious oh apparently soldier boy is loving every minute of his only fans nude leak

i love that um here we go one month ago i mean over a month ago soldier boy promises no more rap beef as he focuses on his acting career one week ago and several weeks ago 50 cent and soldier boy both lay claim on influencing rappers do money challenge so he uh is begging to differ that it was actually 50 cent to it so he immediately started beef is the point look he's just trying to be on that grind and yeah make the money leaks his nudes oh give me some good stuff leaking nudes that's old school what's he doing this new do you guys remember that sign language interpreter who couldn't do sign language at all and like while there was some government speech she was just like flailing her

hands around did you ever see that no no what is this i just saw an update news where she was arrested for using phony sign language as a language interpreter for multiple tv broadcasts oh my god she quote she sat up there and waved her arms like she was singing jingle bells and quote rachel setom brino who is deaf and teaches sign language at the university of south florida 51 hours ago zero oh apparently this is what she signed when during the broadcast 51 hours ago zero 12 22 indecipherable murder three minutes in 14 weeks ago in old indecipherable murder four five fifty five thousand plea 10 arrest murder bush indecipherable three age 24 what the hell so so in reality she was trying because what she was trying to say was in fact the chief was providing a timeline of the

four shootings and describing how his agency had received some 5 000 tips before arresting the 24 year old suspect so she was actually trying it wasn't all nonsense was she just really bad i think she was just really bad and probably got a job that she wasn't qualified for and just tried to wing it as if there weren't deaf people watching being like what am i having a stroke what is what that's so messed up yeah just imagine you're watching a speech being given in like you're an english speaker and you're watching a speech being given in i don't know another language french or something something you have no shot at understanding and someone just stands up and it's like 22 went outside found in bush murder going to mcdonald's later like what what did this lady think was gonna happen what i will say there's a little tidbit in this in this snippet i've got this took place in florida which makes a lot more sense to me yeah florida man was

a decade ago florida interpreter is the new wave florida interpreter sorry florida it's kind of your own fault though oh longest lightning bolt record recently four guess how long i spoiled it or something 400 000 miles no 477 miles over three states i i think it's pretty bold and or impressive that they think they can specifically track that it was one bolt with no gaps in there over hundreds of miles i'm assuming it was over like with like satellite imagery or maybe some kind of radar i don't know yeah it must have been but like what if there's a little one and a half inch gap somewhere in there and the lightning was just like jumped i don't know how lightning works because i'm an idiot but you know just just skipped a little advertising does teach us to mind the gap if the lightning was just like

nah not that cloud but then from space with the satellite they were like it's continuous i mean unbelievable i mean i don't know why you're you're thinking these astronauts are just looking at the earth like holy shit look at that wow it's not it's not it's continuous i'm imagining it's imaging instruments on a satellite not people no it's just derrick up there you think every weather satellite is just a bucket with a bunch of food and a toilet in it and one guy who's like oh there's clouds over like alaska is that alaska or hawaii i can never remember alaska's around one right yeah why are people from rural ohio running the astronaut program hey ohio has the highest number of astronauts it does make sense oh no i just love being up here in space the perspective you get on

miniscule i do miss raising my pigs and growing my corn but it's nice to see the stars and try to grow some star gas up here houston's all like uh what's the status on those uh russian weapon movements i saw a big lightning bolt it went from alaska um the other one covered three states houston i tried to get a delivery of some some chili from cincinnati up here they haven delivered yet. Can you put it on the next rocket? Well, I never knew that's how weather satellites work. That's really surprising. Yeah. We're down here

with our telescopes looking into space and they're up there with their telescopes trying to window peep at us. Came across some accidental lightning in the process. They're like, boobies? Oh, lightning. Houston, there's some storms and shit blocking my view. God, you dream you want to be an astronaut since you were like six years old. And you tell everyone it's because you're inspired by space and all this technology.

Really, you just want to see some tits. Like, that's it. And the best way to do that is to become an astronaut and look at them from millions of miles. Or how many miles away is the space? Oh, millions and millions and millions yeah no you're right derrick why is the james webb telescope turning around towards earth he tries to run but his erection bumps it and moves it even further oh jesus how big is his dick damn i don't know how big's the the hubba bubba or whatever you're talking about this is

like his really big his dick size increases to the number of tits he sees and he just takes one dick Dick size increases to the number of tits he sees and he just takes one look at earth and he knows he's seeing like at minimum three billion boobies What was your question my dogs are fine dogs are good good good yeah i think they're good wait no i've got one last small talk oh okay good all right wait this is his headline caught me there's a plan to put bitcoin in mouse dna with genetically engineered virus what i know right so bitcoins are real coins i knew it so bit mouse dao has exactly two investors and almost no money but they do have a wild idea and i almost hate saying that out loud because people listening

to this are gonna be like oh mouse coin mark says buy bitmouse house no that's not what we're saying everybody this is a crazy it's like others who put in the same amount said a quote no never mind shut up everything me go away i read that wrong okay yeah my dogs are fine how are you because you said it wade and i i was curious the james webb telescope the main telescope part the mirror whatever the reflective surface yeah is 21 foot diameter circle oh one really determined penis can move that it's it's as big as a tennis court it's enormous and they probably got on like one of those little 21 foot diameter circle. Oh, one really determined penis can move that. It's as big as a tennis court. It's enormous.

And they probably got on like one of those little swivel chair mounts or whatever, you know? So you can turn. Swivel chair up there. Is that how you think things move in space? You put wheels on it. Yeah, there's no gravity. It doesn't matter how big it is in space. Put some casters on it, roll it down the space.

Okay. Let's talk about the topic I have in mind i that was really quality small talk you guys really backed me up and elevated the small talk to a whole another level hey you're welcome dogs lightning and boobies we got your back no we covered everything uh i didn't talk about mr gox the crypto trading hamster uh-huh he's dead i want him to have a theme song never mind curious why a hamster is known as that i don't know the full story but believe the thing is there was a little experiment where they set up a hamster with like two buttons and it would either buy or sell a random uh cryptocurrency and uh this hamster like outperformed almost everyone in terms of crypto they did the same thing with stocks and a monkey i think i think i think literally and it was like

the top 20 of top performing hedge fund managers. Damn. Yeah. I need to talk to that monkey. Mr. Gox, he was real. He bit the dust. Now that's the deal, Mr. Gox. Now the question is, did it die of natural causes or was it murdered because it was too good?

Mr. Gox, buy or sell. Lost us all our money. Now he's in hell. Mr. Gox. No, he's in hell mr god oh he did well that's the entire thing why that's interesting yeah well maybe maybe he did originally then they covered up maybe it's a cover-up from the money he lost at the end it was a crypto conspiracy that's what i'm saying that's what i'm saying i see i see conspirato or a Crip-spiracy. Keep working on it. Go. More. A Crip... A Con-cum.

No, that doesn't work. Love it. Change. Oh, the hamster wheel of money balls. Change. Oh, hamster and a gerbil, they bang and you get a bang for your buck. I like that one, actually. I like that one.

Plus, then they make Hermble babies. Okay. Hamble? Herm? I don't know. It's a Herm. That's an old episode. We did that already.

What? No. Yeah, no. It turns out we did. It turns out we did. My topic for today. Oh, right, right. Yeah.

Yes. We were just talking earlier in an unrecorded conversation also known as conversation uh-huh you mentioned that your back was feeling kind of sore yeah a little bit a little sore a little well ignore that wow what i just flicked myself in the eye with a little fidget toy that i'm playing with it's fine ignore that ignore that why are you fidgeting on your eye i'm fidgeting in front of my eyes it's just an unfortunate circumstance look mark's back hurts i don't know i'm generally kind of sore probably my foot hurts i don't know why lips weights lips are chapped gentlemen i hate to break it to us but we're old what uh okay we're not that old but we're older than we think i um

have you guys ever had this experience where uh uh, I was for me, okay. A personal story. I was in the garage and, uh, I had to, I think I talked about this on a previous episode. I had to rip out some cabinets and I didn't, I successfully did it, but I was thinking like, oh yeah, it'll be no big deal. I'll just, I'll just, you know, hammer them, whatever, tear them out. I did that. I swear to God, it took every ounce of effort I had in me. I finished that and just all I could think to myself was like, whoa, how old am I? Like, what's happening?

And beyond that, the world is changing. Have you guys heard of TikTok? Probably not. It's scary. It's what the kids do these days. Yeah, it's like Vine. Only everyone hates you if you watch it, but everyone secretly watches it. Kids are into TikTok and Hyperpop.

Yeah. You're going to no-and me that hard no no no to what wade said like everyone hated people everyone hated vine when it was popular and vine went away there was like oh man i love vine now everyone hates tick tock but like secretly they all love who hates tick tock i didn't hate vine and i only hate some of tick tock i heard this from sources everyone literally all people did when vine was at his peak was share Vines and talk about Vines. Do you mean that you hate those things? Because I would believe that.

No, I don't know. I don't watch any of them, so I don't know. I watch some Vine compilations, but I've not seen much TikTok-y. You're the hater. I don't hate it because I don't know it. You literally just projected. I think it's you. I think it's just you.

I don't even know it. How can I hate what I don't know? It sounds like you do. It sounds like it's pretty easy for you yeah no my dogs are fine thanks for asking though best western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze and it felt a little like Come on, kids. Back to the hotel room. Good night, kids. Good night, Mama. Life's a trip.

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I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, well, I don't know. Mom's gonna love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14.

$14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deal so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. All right. Listen. The topic. Things that have happened that make you suddenly feel older. Only at HomeSense. All right, listen, the topic, things that have happened that make you suddenly feel older. And maybe we're not that old.

We're not like we're that old. But this has been happening to me increasingly in recent years where I'll try and do a physical activity and I'm like, oh God, I ate, what did I have? A burrito the other night. It was really good.

It was a little spicy. I got acid reflux. Who is this guy? I never had acid reflux in my life. Some old person ate my burrito and then gave me acid reflux. Have you guys experienced this? Is this just me? Am I dying and everyone else is fine?

Tell me. Back me up. Yeah, I look and feel exactly the same as I always have. I've always been bald and gray hairs all over my beard. Is that a joke? Did you used to have hair? Yeah, I did. I did. Oh, I just always been bald and gray hairs all over my beard. Did you used to have hair? Yeah, I did. I did.

Oh, I just always imagined you without. In fact, not to shout out one of our individual contents, but if you look at some of Mark's thumbnails, specifically of GTFO from a couple weeks ago, there's one of me with some hair in it right there. Wow. Yeah, you're right. I did have, in all seriousness though, I did have an experience recently that made me feel really old.

Because I remember before our smartphones, before the flip phones, I remember when wireless phones, like wall phones, became a thing. Like whenever you'd get a mount and mount your phone on the wall and you could take your cordless phone anywhere around the house. You remember when that became a thing? I at least remember whenever it became a thing in our house. Because my family, my grandparents, my mom, we all had had corded phones and my grandparents had a rotary phone that was not an antique we actually used it so like someone uh i think it was on stream the other day was like dude i just discovered this thing from like called a rotary phone it's crazy and i was like i used to legit use one to like call my mom from my grandparents house where you like you press your finger into the hole on the nine you slide it all the way over towards the one you let

go you go up to the eight you know whatever the number may be you had to like touch it pull it all the way across go to the next number you do that for each individual number and i would sit there on this corded rotary phone and like have a phone conversation and i remember legit just using one and people are like man i can't believe that used to be a thing people had to do wait and maybe we were just like behind the times i don't know hold on but i remember switching to cordless phones hold on bob sidebar yeah is it wait don't listen okay is it possible that wade is actually older than he thinks he is it sounds pretty possible given that information he says that he knows when cordless phones took hold they were invented in the 50s they didn't take hold till the 80s he used a rotary phone he's bald now and just his general disposition doesn't

it remember when we were over at a charity live stream and he was asleep in his lazy boy at like and he was like 20 25 at this point quote unquote 25 at this point uh-huh uh-huh is it possible that wade is actually significantly older than even he knows i think we need to investigate that all All right. Sidebar over. Wade. Yeah. What's your earliest memory? Um, man, what? Uh, I was running around our house. You were running? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I was like a little toddler. I was running around the house and, uh. Okay. I don't remember. My mom had these like giant glasses. I think they were in style. They had these really big eyeglasses.

Um, and we had uh some pet rabbits okay rabbits are a pretty old thing and i remember i was gonna go get my rabbit out and my mom like i don't know what she was wearing but i remember her with the big glasses uh and i don't remember much else i remember throwing a fit whenever i got my first bedroom i had a bedroom with like a water bed like a race car water bed and uh my mom's like oh you don't have to sleep with us anymore you have your own room and i was jumping up and down screaming like i want out of here i want out of here we actually have a home video of that so i got to witness it but i remember like throwing that fit interesting interesting do you remember if your room was illuminated by oil lamps or electric incandescent light bulbs?

I don't know, but I think we had a lava lamp. Okay. Interesting. Water-filled mattresses earned a provocative reputation throughout its heyday in the 70s and 80s. Okay. Interesting. Everything points to Wade being 10 years older than he really is. How do you feel about bell-bottom jeans?

Well, they're coming back, right? They're pretty cool. Okay. Okay. Interesting. So we're, um, uh, vinyls. Vinyls are coming back. Oh, yeah.

Vinyl records. You like that? Yeah. You like vinyl? Yeah. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting.

I remember getting my first CD player and I didn't have to like wind the tape back or rewind it. I could just like skip to the next song on the CD. Like that was crazy. How old were you at that point? Uh, I don't know. tape back or rewind it i could just like skip the next song on the cd like that was crazy how old were you at that point uh i don't know uh 12 ish 10 ish i don't know somewhere in that range that's pretty suspect okay cd players were released in 1982 little like handheld ones that you could like put in your pocket and put your headphones on go ride a bike to the local

store all right what's the first food that you remember really liking and eating a lot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chicken nuggets as a kid. I loved chicken nuggets as a kid. Still do. By the way, the portable CD was 84.

Chicken nuggets were invented in a lab in the early 1960s. It's a little older. I guess we still eat chicken. What are you guys saying? What is the point of all this? I'm sorry. Was the bit not clear?

What if, right? How would you really know you're the age that you are, right? I have a birth certificate. Like that proves anything. Yeah, it's paper with numbers and my name on it. So what if I printed you a new birth certificate that had different numbers on it? McDonald Chicken Nuggets debuted in 81. This all points towards you not being...

Are you 32? 32? I'll be 33 this year. So yes, you're 32. Oh, damn. What if you weren't 32? What if you were 42? What if you were born?

I would look my age if I was 42. That's what I'm saying! Well, I don't mean to say it that rudely. I'm saying it very politely. No, it's fine. Yeah, no, I look old as shit. I'm like the Crypt Keeper of Friends. No, it's fine.

No, no, no, no. I'm not trying to insult you. You look great for your age, whatever it is. You look great. You look great. But what if? What if it could be? Anyway, I'm sorry.

Sidebar over. Full bar out. Front bar back. If I shave my face and put on a wig, I could look 35 again. I mean, yeah. Oh, wait. No, I can't talk about that. Oh, yeah. That's right. I can't talk about that. Wait, what? No, nothing, Bob. Nothing, Bob.

Nothing. Nothing, Bob. Nothing. Oh, okay. No. Nope. Nope. Still nope. Okay, wait. I think I've caught up. No, you don't. Okay. Anyway, listen, kids these days don't know what it was like, man. Talking about CD player.

I had, what was it? It was a mixtape on a cassette that was like some Aerosmith songs and a Linis Morissette song and random radio stuff I don't even remember and rewind it play the whole thing rewind it play the whole thing yeah those were the days man I remember for some reason when I was young my grandma had uh what was his name Bobby no Billy Cyrus not Bobby Billy Cyrus uh cassette I remember listening to like achy breakyy heart and, uh, uh, Oh God, what was the one song? I'll remember it in a minute. But I remember listening to that

cassette. I remember like something with my cassette player broke at one point and it would play, but it couldn't rewind. And I remember, I don't know if you guys remember this VHS or cassettes where like had the little like gears in the middle and you could like manually wind or rewind. I remember having to manually rewind the cassette and then the double-sided cassette thing where you would like play one side and you play the other, it would play the one which would rewind the opposite sides. You could listen to it all over again. Yeah. Mark, you don't seem to be admitting that you're, you're identifying with any of this. Do you not feel old? Not really. I mean, I know that I'm getting older and to be fair, like I do have many aches and pains, but I think that could be attributed to the chaos

that was my youth and utter disregard for my wellbeing. You also have less body than Bob and I do to feel things. Wow. Cause you're small. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Is saying these things offensive to you after the compliments you bathed me in a few minutes ago?

No, it just seems like... Mark mark you look great for your age whatever that may be thank you over under 65 he's just asking questions man thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you very much but no i mean it's like with uh because i was so poor as a child we couldn't afford anything let alone cassettes but no i don't remember any of this because like really my growing up with technology and like changes with that is i was always like behind on everything um just because we couldn't afford the newest things uh so i would always like i stuck with a super nintendo all the way up to playstation 2 we would no no we did get an n64 but it was only like a year or two before we got the playstation 2 i remember it came out and i was so mad that we couldn't get it but yeah no we were always like a generation behind everything so by the time that i got up to the point where i could keep up with

technology was when i was in college because i had a flip phone for two years after like the iphone came out and i wanted an iphone but i didn't even know how that that worked i got the 3gs when it first came out i remember that you were pretty psyched about that i love that thing that was it was dope as hell it was dope as hell did you jailbreak that phone or was that someone else no i i told you there was no purpose to doing it but it was just something you know didn't do anything yeah ah well i guess it's just me and wade then feeling old bob i think you're like are you a year younger than mark and i mark and i are like two months apart in age yeah i'm about a year younger than you guys oh baby tyler mark and i were all born the

same year so yeah i know i look like oh we're doing eight years older well you're right no but also we're the same age our inner organs probably look the same except for mark has a little bit more bone broth and I got a little bit more, I don't know, grease. I apologize, Wade. I didn't mean to say anything about your physical appearance or wellbeing. You're true. You're right though. I mean, I've always looked a little bit older than everybody. Like it was, I didn't take advantage of this, but when I was 14, I remember my ex and I went to a restaurant. I think I've told this story before where I was offered like the wine menu at 14 years old. I've just always looked older. Tyler and I at the same place uh back in like 2011 2012 and someone came in like we had to id them for alcohol and they're like well how old do you think I am

and we always skew it we're like no well how old do you think we are and notoriously Tyler they're like oh 22 23 and me it was always like 35 I just always looked older it's just a thing damn always harsh man harsh yeah yeah i've just always lived with that i don't know if there was this grand conspiracy in your life where somehow you didn't know how old you were like you you assumed you were born a certain year but it was really like much later and like for some like memory loss thing that you just didn't have it would Would that make you feel better or worse? Worse, cause I would know I'm probably closer to my death pit. At least now I'm just like, ah, it's just appearance.

It's fine. My insides probably aren't looking older, but if I found it actually was a dick, I was like, man, 10 years of my life are gone. Where are they? Where were they? I gotta admit, I've never really thought or given any mind to the appearance of my insides.

I really haven't. And you brought it up twice now. Well, that's because if I look this old on the outside, I'm just hoping inside I look all right. Everyone's insides are ugly no matter what. It's like it's not good in there. Yeah, but do mine look like a 32-year-old should? Or do mine look like a 45-year-old? What does a 90-year-old's insides look like?

I don't know. I've not cut open enough people to know. Like shrivelly. By that, I mean mean zero I've cut open zero for the record Okay, yeah, no we got you buddy wink It's less clear now because you made it clear it's so much less clear my dogs are fine um what's the next topic i don't know this is kind of it man i was i was just curious how how old everybody's feeling mark feels good you know what i wonder about this is not necessarily that made me feel old but the the like high school lunchroom that was a really specific experience and i'm sure you guys i'm sure we have some uh stuff that we would relate to that was common between our experiences i wonder what kids do in the high school lunchroom

right now all their phones because like when we were there maybe a handful of my friends had cell phones but that was in the time when it was like all right i get 200 texts a month okay so don't fucking text me anything unless it's really important like you're oh yeah you know so we weren't like sitting on our phones like sending each other memes or shit we text limits text rollover yeah yeah do you guys remember the concept like that that was the shit was that even that long ago that was a thing it was yeah but i only experienced it for like a few like a few years that i really had to consider that and by the time like smartphone came out that completely got knocked off as a concept but yeah back uh what would this have been this would have been like

early 2000s yeah like the first half of the 2000s yeah you had phones you had your flip phones you had numbers with letters on them and you could text but you could only text so many times because all the text data it's a few kilobytes you can't send too many of those it'll overload the system yeah well that was the, that was the same that was the same era of cell phones where it was like, all right, you get unlimited calls and texts on nights and weekends. But during the day, you got to watch out. But you can have five best friends and those numbers you can call and text to your heart's content. And when I when I got my phone, like my junior or senior year,

whenever it was in high school, my parents were like, the two of your five have to be our home phone and your dad's cell phone so that we can call and text you whenever to check in where you are now that you have a car and we don't trust you. But I had three slots. And I could put whoever I wanted. It was like a weird competition to who who were my three best friends and where were they going to go on my list yeah yeah i remember i'm not going to name

modern mobile carriers and stuff but i remember the first mobile carrier i had was singular do you guys remember singular wireless no yeah it got it got absorbed into one of the big ones right yeah they got absorbed in 2006 they renamed and i remember having them so i had them prior to 2006 which means i was probably like 15 16 whenever we had singular fancy singular wireless yeah with the c oh apparently got rolled into at&t yeah oh singular with a c ah right right right right they were absorbed and renamed but like it's just i remember my flip phone my favorite phone was like the slide up keyboard but i remember my like i had a flip phone i had several flip phones and uh one of them i remember i was

at like my friend's house and i flipped the flip it open and it snapped in half and the screen was gone but i could still use the keyboard and send text i just couldn't see what i was typing so you were that guy who was sending texts it would just be like hello i'm the nine coming soon i realized that sending texts is probably a bad idea so actually i just called people and then i would talk on repeat hoping that they answered because i had to like call my mom to pick me up i was like hey mom it's me hey mom it's me hey mom mom it's me wait i hope you're answering mom if you're there mom it's me wait uh there wasn't like a speaker phone on the bottom half of the phone i don't think it had speakers though

that's incredible do you guys do you guys remember the the rigmarole, I don't know if you ever did this, finding MIDI versions of songs so that you could have custom ringtones on cell phones? No. Oh, yeah. I remember the custom ringtones. What? I missed out on all these experiences somehow because I just didn't do phones. Yeah, you were just born 10 years ago, apparently. Apparently.

There used to be whole services where it was like, you could go through the trouble of downloading something to your computer and then plugging it or if you send a text to this number we'll send you a midi file with this popular song in it and it's only like 399 we'll just bill your carrier that was a whole that was a whole industry for a while yeah i was very bitter whenever cd players were being phased out and mp3 players and ipods and stuff were starting to take over and i was like nothing will ever replace my cd player look how stupid that little thing looks where i've got my cool cd player and my disc collection dude the first time somebody i had a friend whose dad was like a really techie guy and he got a it was it was really popular in the days before ipod the dell Dell MP3 player that I feel like a lot

of people had. I can't remember what it was called. Was that the Zune? Was it Zune? No, it was pre-Zune. Dell MP3 player. I don't know. I don't even know if it really had a name.

The Digital Jukebox. What? The Dell Digital Jukebox. What a stupid name. Listen, I remember the first time somebody had one of these and brought it in and he had like some of the original meme songs on it he had the maya he maya who song from that like viral video on it yeah and like he brought it in and was like it didn't play video or anything but he was like hey you guys want to you want to listen to that song

from that video and we're like yeah but how he got this little thing out and we were just like oh shit how many songs does this have 120 songs all on this one device like man that really escalated quickly on the mp3 player front but i guess i just wonder too what kids these days are what's that gonna be for them technology is not cool anymore like kids are growing up with smartphones and all kinds of shit vr that's amazing fully wireless vr that's so cool what is going to be the thing that a kid is going to see when they're in like middle school high school even college where they're going to be like this is the future what is that that's cool because it's all it's all unimpressive now they don't care kids don't care it's always exists as far

as they care i'm just curious i'd love to know that's the exact topic of the previous episode called future on the distractible podcast what no it's not this week the guys talk about futures expectations versus reality what did people in the past predict the future specifically talking about were they accurate you guys didn't want to talk about how old we feel will we be accurate if we attempt to do the same that's exactly what we talked about prior well we weren't so shut up i'm talking about how old i am look i'm fishing here man you're not old at all mark we got it no i'm the same age i'm older than you you have to respect me i'm your elder i'm the eldest in the call. That's not how that works.

It might be how it works. It's how it works in Korea. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built in, so you can change the music. Oh, yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2.

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Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure michigan keep it fresh at michigan.org did you guys ever play floppy disk games wait what the floppy disk like you know the the old like macintosh computer where you like put in like a floppy disk and like i played indiana jones oh right no but i know what floppy discs like we had like cassette gamer though that was the thing yeah but we like the earliest games that we played were uh not not the floppy ones the uh what are the other ones i don't know those are all floppy discs yeah yeah but i know that the little ones aren't floppy i don't know where

they oh they might have been called that uh ms dos wasn't that the thing ms dos you had to like load up your computer in DOS mode to play. Like I remember there's a Star Wars game, but we had to load up in DOS mode to play it. Those were the days, man. Those are not the days. I grew up with that. I still don't know the commands for DOS. I just guessed around until a game popped up.

That's what I did. When Windows 3.1 came out, that was a blessing. Oh my God. I just click on the icon and it works amazing ah dial up were the days where you'd be in the middle of gaming your mom's like get off your computer i gotta make a phone call you had to completely stop what you were doing to use the phone those were the days we had two phone lines you had two phone lines we had two my dad was a nerd my dad was tech wizard he always kept up with tech okay so my family was poor and had to use

rotary phones at one phone line you're over here with your lamborghini and two phone lines now i understand why you don't ever have to feel old you lived a life of luxury i had to have aol broadband what'd you have broadband supreme yes because my dad options back then other than aol for internet yeah who else was there i don't remember there's netscape um there was uh yeah netscape i remember netscape yeah aol wasn't necessarily an internet provider it was just like a gateway right it was i think a weird internet portal yeah yeah it was a dns so it was like a basically through aol you could find other websites and aol was like an umbrella for other things.

You've got mail. Yep, that's that, buddy. Yeah, the Earthlink. Earthlink was net zero. I don't really remember. I really don't remember very many of those. I'm just looking them up now. I remember there being a thing called AOL like movie phone.

I don't remember what the heck that was. I remember hearing them talk AOL movie phone. Movie phone. What was movie phone? i don't know i've never heard of that is that the thing where you called and you could get times for movies is that what you're thinking of maybe but maybe i'm thinking of the wrong thing maybe i'm maybe i'm remembering it wrong i thought it was like a video chat but there's no way that was a thing way back then yeah well either way like when it comes to connectivity in the future to answer your question

bob the the truest answer is that we won't know until it gets here connectivity in the future to answer your question bob the the truest answer is that we won't know until it gets here and it's going to get here when um because we think of the internet as it is right now and i'm not talking about like web 3 i don't i hate that term i don't care about all that stuff um i'm talking about like the world that will exist when everything is connected in a such a deeper way that we don't even understand when you could send like an unbelievable amount of data to everyone in the world with like extremely low latency, and you have this computational processing power

that is like so interwoven into every device that we have, and everything is spread across everything. Like it will just be, that'll be the next leap forward. We just don't know what it's gonna be. There's a lot of like guessing with people talking about Web3, but yeah. Here's what it's gonna be. Your watch is gonna have a dual projector,

one to project the keyboard under your arm arm the other to project the image onto a wall and you can just sit there and you don't even need to go to a computer your computer is literally at your fingertips yeah that sounds cool well i mean your computer is literally at your fingertips right now with your phone and then it becomes a thing where it can even like process your brain waves to where you don't have to type anymore it just you think it it's on there you know what way we talked about that in another episode of the podcast you know what that was also based on a movie that came out in 2002 called a future's odyssey starring tom cruise and belinda walsh is belinda walsh a real person i have no idea i just said the name i hope so linda walsh sounds like it could be a real person i love belinda walsh

belinda walsh is apparently someone there are people named Belinda Walsh. Belinda Walsh is apparently someone. There are people named Belinda Walsh, yes. Belinda Walsh. I can get truck parts and service in North Dakota from Belinda Walsh. Shout out to you. And they got to be in a movie with Tom Cruise? Oh, I don't know. Someone will tell us on the subreddit, I'm sure.

Yeah. Dude, if anyone can make sense from this episode and can write up like a thorough documentation, a transcript of this episode, you will be a hero if you can make sense out of this episode. No, terrible. Well, everything in this episode is just a spinoff of that unknown series, Crumply Old Men. No, we've actually talked about things being from other

episodes in a previous episode of the podcast so we're self-referential of our self-references yeah what's that called a callback those are funny right yeah i think so the dogs are doing well thanks for asking man you know now that i'm thinking about it i actually do think the whole premise of are you guys feeling old was the topic of conversation for a previous episode. No way. Guess what, audience? We're feeling older now. No, no, no.

I don't know why, but it's ringing a bell. Older part two. It was one of the 64 hidden episodes we recorded before you guys ever got hair that will never air ryan was unintentional but it worked and uh you'll never know it other than what we just told you right now which you can't prove also oh that reminds me when did uh when did people find out about the uh your dating story bob where was that put in um that was inserted into the dating advice episode that we did i believe oh right right because there was a comic about it i was like i don't remember that ever coming out yeah but yeah

no that was great yeah that was when my date was left or right right whatever we're not talking about sorry i apologize no no no i apologize uh wait no there it is old men let's face it mark bob and wade are getting dot dot up there. It was an old episode. Oh, my God. When did we do that? I don't remember that at all. Fucking hell. We sit here, we talk so much to each other, we have no idea what we've said or haven't said.

We are becoming those guys on the internet. People tune in to like, oh, they're telling this story again. It's so cute for them. And we're just like, oh, you guys will never know this story. And and they're like it's the third time you've told it let's go back to uh soldier boy new well he and 50 cent are disputing who had the first penis or something i don't know what were they the first penis i was like uh it's like a hallmark movie the first penis i want to hear the lovely like music playing the first penis i don't does soldier boy have an only fans um i'll click on this link hesitantly because i said soldier boys i didn't hear that when you said it before but soldier boys

only fans nudes are only fans.com slash soldier boy it's it's their thing and now i'm getting ads for crotchless pants that's good big draco was it draco or draco i don't know bob you fall asleep over there wake up bob you lost bob old age finally caught up to him ah ah there he is morning you know what i was thinking though in all seriousness i guess we can cut this out but i was thinking the next episode we should probably talk about that story that where bob had that fridge incident yes good they make a really good episode yeah bobby okay no god fucking sucking everything god damn it Oh no, it's okay.

Our esteemed guests, humble audience, I have to inform you, this is not today's first episode topic that may have been in the past. Can we just title this episode Mark, Wade, and Bob are getting older. What was the first one? We're just like oldest. Oh my god. They're older men. Bob is okay.

It's okay, man. It's okay. I've got tears in my old wrinkly eyes. Oh, my God. Oh. I got another news headline, if you'd like that. Oh, yeah, please. Kim Jong-un's father invented burritos in 2011, says North Korea.

Wait, Doritos or burritos? Burritos. Burritos weren't invented until 2011? By Kim Jong-un's father. The roots of the burrito go back thousands of years to Kim Jong-un's father. Oh, that makes sense. There's another Italian Senate accidentally plays 30 seconds of not safe for work Tifa Lockhart video. Tifa Lockhart?

Isn't that the girl from Final Fantasy 7? Oh, I know. Tifa Lockhart. Where is that the girl from Final Fantasy 7? Oh, I know Tifa Lockhart. Where is this horrible video that they played? Tell me where it is so I can avoid it. What was the name of the thing you said? It was not safe for work Tifa Lockhart video. That's all it says. Oh, not safe for work. I was gonna Google it to try to help you find it, then I was like,

well, maybe I don't want to Google that. I've already got weird enough shit on my computer. That wouldn't be the weirdest thing. Bob, you okay? No. Oh, you okay? No. Oh, no. Is this usable? It's not usable.

It's totally usable. It's totally fine. No one will know. No one ever gets to this far in an episode. No one listens this far in. Oh, God. This is definitely, this is the best. No one does.

We can do whatever we want at this point. Everyone's always checked out. Do not video search, not safe for work, Tifa Lockhart video. I made the mistake. Oh, yeah. Made the mistake. Don't look that up. There are a lot of things I did not need to see. That you did?

Yeah, me neither. I think Soulja Boy's in. OnlyFans might have been in one of those. Yeah. Oh, no. Okay. Where are you? Ah, oh, this is.

I didn't get that cut scene in the game. Mm, this is, uh, I was warned about this. Yeah. Oh, man, that must be an Easter egg. I didn't unlock Yeah, I'll bookmark these so I know to avoid them We're so old we might forget and look back up again Bob is fired. It's fine. It's totally good This is my favorite that we've done in a while.

I'm having a good time. Oh, God. Who wins, Bob? Who wins? Nobody wins. Everybody loses. This is travesty. This is why I should not be put in charge of things. My dogs are doing fine, though.

I'm disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed in myself I'm disappointed in anyone who's ever had any belief in me whatsoever oh no if it makes you feel better we all three went like 40 minutes into this all thinking we were having a new topic

so that's not just you we all fell prey to the old men that sounds terrible we all will make that sound better somehow. Thank you. Oh boy. Listen, Bob.

It's just because in our old age, our memory gets a little funny and that's okay. That's okay. My dogs are doing great, by the way. They're having a great time. Presley found a dead bird in a bush today and he dragged it out and made Molly clean it up because i was down here it's been a great day for me and the dogs good good okay i'll try and do an outro then okay so i'm um i'm trying to hold it together wait i didn't even look is it long enough i'm sorry, we can do an outro, right? That's what she said. Give me the fuck out of here.

Get me out. No, you got to sign points. You got to sign points. Who won? No. Mark, you get a million points. Wow. Thank you.

And Wade, you get a million points. Wow. Thank you. And Wade, you get a million points. And also for the dog bit, like six more. I win. Damn, I was so close. Wait, wait. Are your dogs still good? I don't know. I've been here talking to you guys.

I've not checked on them in a while. Ooh. My dogs are good. Is that plus six more? My dogs are good. Mark gets three points for his dogs being good yes okay but i already won because i'm i had six i'm still three ahead yeah i'm not gonna dock yeah you get this all right mark uh sorry wade wins by three points i guess ah you know it's

good fight it's a good fight good fight i it wasn't fucking everything just happened so far in this episode it's all right next episode i'm gonna host and we're gonna talk about getting oldest older and we'll reference this episode where you forgot we'd already had this topic is the title allowed to be the dumbest piece of shit i know that that's right in reference to me is that allowed that would be appropriate i think no but we can call it the oldest piece of shit we know, and it could be all of us. Oldest dumb piece of shit I've ever met.

Listen, it was a different... I know that it turns out that we've... Apparently we've covered all the topics I'm capable of thinking of. There's no more topics. So this might be the last time I ever host. I'm glad it went so well. We had some really great interesting conversations I would assume I think I just blacked out and forgot everything

that happened out of painfully just naked embarrassment but I'm sure it was great Wade's the winner. So today was naked and we talked about technology. Yeah. Yeah. Good stuff. It's literally a combination of two topics we've done before I can't tell if that's better

or worse better three if you include the episode we didn't record no no no i'm talking we don't have to talk about that that's fine that's not deleted so oh man i'm done now uh follow the podcast the mark is in markiplier wait is it lord minion or just minion 777 don't find my shit it's terrible uh this hurts so much podcast out