Distractible - Would You Rather

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

Bob forces Mark and Wade to pick their poison, having to decide between several pairs of awful scenarios. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection, free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH- ph balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils so whether you're going for a run or just running late do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't find secret at your nearest walmart or shoppers drug mart today good evening gentle listener and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production. This week, Bob judges and brings unenviable choices for the prospecting Jets.

Mark may well be Stinky Pete, and Wade refuses worms and omits his potential southern drawl. From vile vanity plates or mysterious wipers, to eating man's best friend or unbridled wholesale slaughter. Yes, it's time for Would You Rather? Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello, gentle listeners, and welcome to Distractible. I almost said welcome back, but some of you might be listening for your first time, in which case, what the hell are you doing with your life yeah but anyway you know welcome and when stuff that no we want you to be here we want you to be here but we're a little disappointed but it's okay we're not mad we're just disappointed this for anyone who's new is a show where one of us is the judge and two of us are the contestants

i'm the judge for this week that's why i doing the intro, because the judge is also the host. But I, Bob, am joined by my two competitors, Wade and Mark. I choose to be a competitor. Compete, competitors, and go! Die, foul beast. I slay. I'll destroy you.

Can I cast magic missile? No. I allow it. I'm attacking the Markness. Wow, good god. Can I cast magic missile? No. I allow it. I'm attacking the Markness. Wow. Good God. Oh my God. That brought back memories. I was like, I didn't want to go to that place.

PlayStation 2 era. Oh God. Oh God. Come back to us, Mark. Anyway, that's not how it works. As the judge, I'm supposed to give you some sort of topic which i will but not yet oh uh and then i'll give points and someone will win and they're the judge next week today's points that hopefully you earn and don't lose you usually usually earn

points well today those are brought to you and us and everyone collectively by intel uh excellent yeah anyway so you'll hear like the sound you know the intel sound you'll hear that and us, and everyone, collectively, by Intel, eh? Excellent. Yeah. Anyway, so you'll hear, like, the sound. You know the Intel sound. You'll hear that if you get points. God, I hope you get points. There you go. Now you know how the game works. Before we play the game, we usually like to have a little small chat.

A little personal catch-em-up. So, how are we i'm good what's that word expound i could have expounded you but i couldn't think of the word expound on my goodness well no you don't have to but i will no i'll be happy to yeah no i i'm doing pretty good been working out a good bit um by now maybe the only fans is out no not yet probably but i've been working on it getting real working out seven days a week oh yeah getting the only fans of bod so i can get rid of that dad bod and get back in that fad bod you know uh i remember distinctly bob i'm gonna i'm gonna call

out just a little bit but it's very funny you remember back when i did the tasteful news calendar for the first one and i remember talking to you about it i was like yeah i think i'm in the best shape of my life and you're like aren't you 28 like wouldn't the best shape of your life have been five years ago and i'm like come on man holy shit wow you're gonna cut me deep it's just like one of those moments where i'm like oh you don't have a chance now wouldn't it have been i don't know i mean no and that's the thing because i was not in that good of a shape in my early 20s absolutely not because i was out of all the sports that i was doing and i wasn't like no physical activity at all so in reality when i did like the first tasteful nudes that probably was

the best shape of my life for a while there until now until now wasn't that like five years ago yeah uh that was no actually hey stop it man we have a surprise for you in five years i got bad news in five years don't worry stop don't know i don't know why that's the interval you can't you can't do that voice the only person other than me who's allowed to do that voice is the sound on tiktok that happens where people keep finding goofy faces on cars and pumpkins and it's all okay you want to go scaring you have the weirdest tiktok recommendations i'm not the popular sound on tiktok okay no the popular sound on tiktok right now is the uh voice filter thing oh yeah replaces your voice my tiktok app doesn't have that i was playing with it and it doesn't do it

well it's funny because i saw that at corridor the form of that that they've been using for a very long time now uh it was like obviously some third party stuff and like different different companies or have different versions but it's the kind of thing that made sam sam gorski's voice into like an old british guy it's what they used to do the intros of son of a dungeon like that's not just a voice actor they hired that's just i think sam changing his voice to an old British guy. That's pretty funny, actually. I did think the first couple times I heard it, I was like, it sounds kind of like Sam. But it doesn't. I honestly thought he was just doing, I thought he just had a voice that he could do.

I can do it too. See, I can do it too. Have you listened to Son of a Dungeon? It's me. It's me, Sam. It's me, the dungeon. Oh, son. Where's my son?

Go to the pub. Good, yeah. Is this what you were looking for, Bob, in terms of small talk? Sure, sure. Good, good, good. So Mark's good, and he was in the best shape of his life. How are you, Wynn? I'm so scared of answering that question.

You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to, buddy. This year is so scary. Every time people ask how things are, they get weird. So, you know. What's something that could never break and cause you immeasurable pain and problems? How's your garage door, buddy? Working? It broke a few years ago.

Oh, okay. Well, how's your garage door buddy working it broke a few years ago okay well how's the how's the back deck hanging on there still doing good sturdy as a rock oh there's wasps drilling into it oh your window's all good sealed up nice no there's some uh whenever it rains we get that like the little fog in between that kind of tells me the seal is broken we need to replace them how are your closet doors there's a weird stain on one that's and i don't know i can go take a picture it's like a little weird like orangish stain i've never caused it that's fine that's fine the air outside your house how is that what's the air quality in ohio today probably better than for you to be with us on air quality baby we got that locked down california knows about quality air yeah if i hadn't left my watch at hot yoga i'd be able

to tell you we are at 39 between 29 and 39 aqi is that good 29 aqi what's going on over in ohio yeah that doesn't that's 29 amazing 9 to 39 that's not great i don't know what part i'm in to see this i think the 39 is closer to downtown the 29 is closer to me i mean that makes sense high on that is bad high is bad what is high oh i see a chart in the summertime we get up into the 50s 60s 70s sometimes even not a hundred on days when the smog beast blows in. That's always a fun time. We're hovering around like high 20s, low 30s. That's not great, but you'll live, I guess.

So I've got nothing good in life, I guess, is the update. Everything is terrible. Got it. Everything is just is. Fridge? How's your fridge? Oh, the fridge is fine. Thanks for asking. Oh, God.

No! What have I done? I don't know. You'll find out soon. He should have stuck with everything is awful. I can't believe he did that. He fell for the trap. How are you, host?

I'm pretty good. No one asked the host. That's interesting. Yeah, and you know what? I'm going to give you a bonus point. No! Yes! God, why did I even point it out why do i do i get a point i i noticed things oh you wouldn't have noticed it you're not observant enough i'm the observant maybe this point is the only point that will matter this week i'm offended mark i take from you no i'm not gonna take it one point and you guys will definitely be

getting points this week don't worry about it okay there's no way you won't get oh no i'm more worried i don't know how to take your tone i'm being sincere i know i sound sarcastic this is as sincere as i get fellas there is a hundred percent chance that both of you will earn points this week actually that's not true one of you at least will earn points this week sorry caveat that comment yeah so there's a hundred percent chance that that already had happened yes mark you're smart you'll probably earn a point okay i have a victory speech prepared my topic for today is a uh a follow-on but unrelated in almost every way from my big or small episode and i'm going to call this one this or that we'll put some like

some like uh game show music in the name of a show probably yeah i think it is isn't everything we talk about already a thing that we're stealing from there's a song this or that this or that it's also words that are commonly used. I think we can just skate over the fact that it's everything else. No, there's a song. It is a phrase in the lexicon. Many people know it because it's so commonly said.

We shouldn't use English if we really want to make this work. Anyway, basically, this or that. This week, you will be picking your poison uh which to be clear is the name of the board game that i'm using as an inspiration for this board game called pick your poison i will say i opened it and i went through the cards and some of them are a little homophobic if i'm honest oh this is not necessarily a all-out endorsement of that game itself but i did i did purchase the game and i guess I feel like we have to cite that.

I see. Give credit for that. Okay. That's fair. Not a strong endorsement. These are some fun ones. There's going to be rounds. Each round, I'm just basically going to have two options, and you have to decide, each of you for yourself, which one you would rather live with.

Okay. And I also have made choices on this. So whomever agrees with me gets a point. This isn't fair. You guys lived together for a while, so you synced your clocks and shit. What? I don't have a chance. Our menstrual cycles have nothing to do with this.

We're very synced up, Wade. You're right. We lived together for nine months in 2007, so we're very synced up way yeah right yeah we live together for nine months in 2007 so we're definitely still on the same page i relearned today that menstrual can also be instrumental it doesn't have to be just that no that's minstrel so i said minstrel are you saying a menstrual or minstrel i'm an ohio boy You just said the same word twice You left you cultured swine Y'all get out of here

You know, it's so funny cuz every once in a while I'll make a tweet that has y'all in it and people lose their a lot people lose their minds like what are you doing? And I'm like, I don't look guys y'all in it and people lose their a lot people lose their minds like what are you doing and i'm like i don't look guys it's like it's i can't it's what it's what i go to kentucky's just the other side of the river y'all so we say it all the time yeah mark's actual voice slipping out he talks he talks like this in front of the cameras but when we get soon we stop recording he's like golly what an episode boys yeah you fellas want to head down to the swimming hole and poke the

dead body with some sticks I hope it's still there yeah that's how Mark actually talks I wish I talked like that best kept secret on the internet you know Wade the funny thing is you could just start talking like that and then that would be how you talk. That's true.

That sounds like effort. You can talk like however you want. However, even. Yeah. I do have a bit of a southern drawl that sometimes creeps in from my family from Virginia and Kentucky and such. It definitely creeps in. When I hang around in Texas for a while, it gets absorbed. Even Texas doesn't really have a strong texas

accent in austin but i do feel it sometimes coming in and i'm like i start saying words differently oh my god oh what the hell is happening to me what's happening what's happening to me y'all what's happening to me what's happening to me going to the bathroom stall at the airport. You walk out with a cowboy hat and boots. Like, where did I even get these, y'all? Where did I even get these? Is that Texas? I don't even know.

I don't know either. Shoot! I'm from Texas. You know, all crazy prospectors come from Texas. The old Texas gold rush, which is weird, considering prospect California. What? Never mind.

Okay. Mark's next thing, he's going to go on a big gold find. Gold find? Yeah, I'm going to find some gold. I'm going gold finding. You mean you're going to go try and pan for gold in a river? I'm gold finding gold finding i turned on gold finding mode you don't need a pan you need a pickaxe in a cave going to a museum i

found it i found the gold that's mine now see it's different yeah that's good anyway i was i'm uh i was unsettled on this one rule i think i'm'm going to allow you to control your own faith with this. Another part of this game is that on every round, at the start of the round, before you know the prompts, you may choose to double down. Effectively and only doubling the amount of points that you gain. But if you lose a double down round, you lose a point. I will let you double down the entire game whenever you want to.

Okay. So you can gamble an extra point basically. So either you win one or lose nothing or win two or lose one. Okay. I'll probably just use it when I feel very strongly about an opinion. But it's before you get to hear the prompts. Oh. It's a gamble with no information.

So you have to decide if you start to get behind, you can try and catch up. If you're feeling strong about knowing what I'm thinking, you can just do it whenever you want. It's an equalizer, but it's a high risk, high reward type equalizer. All right. I'm going to double down first one. Bold commitment, but I appreciate it. I'm already down, so I can't let him pass me. So I too am going to double down.

I feel like this decision is already backfiring. Double down every round. This was the exact fear that was in the back of my mind when I was like, ooh, should I do that? You could limit it. And then I was like, no, they wouldn't. You could limit it to three. Fine, I'll triple down. I'll use two double downs.

Can we use all of our double downs in one? Okay, okay. Now that I've seen the future future you may double down three total times three total times okay and if you you may double down uh multiple times in the same round so two double downs earns you four points but loses you two uh-huh using all three at once will earn you six points or lose you three. The mythical quadruple down. I see. Yeah.

All right. I'll allow it, but you only get three. And there will be more than three rounds. Okay. Wait, are you going to double down first round? I don't know. How many rounds are we doing? I mean, there's a max number that I have prepared that I don't think we're going to reach.

Realistically, maybe six or seven. Maybe in that area. So maybe only four. I'm going to double double down first round go big or go home early the four or two i'm gonna not double down oh you're i thought you'd already committed i'm about to i'm about to draw the cards which are not randomly shuffled they're stacked carefully with carefully crafted hopefully good comparisons but if there's one thing I know is this is either

going to be the end of me right off the bat or I'm going to solidify. Yes, this will either go well or badly. No, I mean like I have a funny feeling if you win this double double down right off the bat, I'm fucked for the whole episode. I am already winning

one to nothing. You are, yes. That's true. So Wade, playing for four points. Yeah. Or the loss of two points. Which would immediately undo your lead regardless of what Mark does. And Mark playing for the standard single point. I have drawn the cards. Gentlemen, you're locked in.

Locked in. Alright. Round one. Do do do do. I was hoping Will would do that, but that was a good rendition of it. I hope Will has collected all of Wade's sound effects he's made over the years. Just like he has his own folder. Ah, they want a dramatic music. Doctor that up a little, Will, and you can use that sound.

That's fine. That's good. It was nice. Excellent. Mixed. All right. Big Poison, boys. Yes.

Left. Would you rather get vanity plates for your car that read douche or every time you poop for the rest of your life, a new and different stranger has to wipe your butt?

You don't have to convince them to wipe your butt and there's no explanation as to why but a new stranger will appear to wipe your butt you are not allowed to do it anymore do they disappear afterwards do they have to go you see them on this one instance and then only ever if you run into them in the in real life accidentally but they could be from anywhere in the entire world right the likelihood of that is relatively low they might never appear in your life again they materialize in the stall with me or bathroom that i'm in yeah they materialize about the quality of their wipe do they do a good thorough job i mean everyone wipes their ass so i guess you get a consistent like high 95 or better level of clean they're not all perfection but you get a

good consistent clean rear end after each servicing. Okay. I know my answer. I think I know mine too. You want to go ahead, Morgan? You can take this one first. I'll take my big points second. I pick the vanity plate just because I think that would be funny.

And I don't think it would be nearly... No one's going to read a vanity plate that says douche and be like, Oh, there he is! The douche! Get him! They're just going to be like, oh, you're the guy with the douche and be like, oh, there he is! The douche! Get him! You know, they're just gonna be like, oh, you're the guy with the douche plate. They would be like, how'd you get that through the DMV? And I'm like, I don't know, they just let it happen

and they'd be like, ah, I love your plate. You know, I feel like that would, like, make me friends, not make me enemies. Who's gonna just take their car and wham, wham! Get out of the road, douche! Bam! It's open season on douches oh it's labeled I'm glad you warned me

yeah I don't think that's what it's gonna be so I take the douche plate I also love the douche plate but alright I'm gonna go with the butt wipe it's like having a bidet without having to pay for it I just get a free wiping my hands are clean.

I stand. I give a little bendy and some fresh pair of hands are going to go and clean me out. Oh, yes, please. Make my day, stranger. A little bit more to the left. Oh, perfect. Can you flush it for me, too? You don't get to assert any control over it, okay? It's a wipe that happens yeah well you don't get to assert any control over it

okay it's a wipe that happens but you don't get to make requests well i can at least say it out loud if they don't listen i could be like and then if they do actually go aboard the ledge it's like oh perfect if they don't it's like not as good as randy handy yesterday maybe tomorrow we'll get someone good but i don't know it's something exciting it'd be horrifying the first couple of times probably but after a while i'd be like oh what hands will i get who shall wipeth of mine cheek i mean yeah okay the douche plate fun funny get some laughs out of it but my god the pampering and the hands-free experience of having my ass cleaned for me yes please everyone wants hands free we got little chip little

microphones whatever on our face we got our earbud in our ear hands-free hands-free phones in our car hands-free ass wiping is a way of the future and i will take it everything you described in that list of reasons hands-free is good is um on my computers except for the butt wipe it could be an ai wiping my cheeks i've not i don't know the person they could be no it's a it's a person it's a real human can robots be people no ais or robots or anything it's just a person oh okay another day it's a different discussion all right so we're locked in i have to say oh yeah i fully agree with mark's sentiment yes because it would be really funny and like also easily explainable. You lost a bet.

You were just trying to see if they would do it. You didn't think they would. But Wade is completely wrong and that makes a horrifying vision of my future. I like your version of it better. I guess the thing I ran into is when I envisioned that I'm like sitting on the toilet and I

do, I don't know how most people wipe, I guess, but I was assuming it's some version of like you lean over a little, right? You shift your hips. I don't like stand up. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. I pucker my lips. I bend to my hips and I look behind and go, oh, it's day the day. Will another hand come through the wall to wipe me?

And now it can. But see, the bathroom is my private space. And like, I don't even like it when I hear, I don't like public bathrooms because I know people are out there. I don't even like it if I'm somewhere where it's me in a closed room and I hear someone walk by and I'm like,

ooh, I'm not alone. I would hate never being able to be alone in the bathroom and feel like I have some privacy to do that. Not ever having to wipe again. If it was a robot attached to the toilet, like a mechanical bidet situation, but it was physical wiping. Yeah, I'm into that. A stranger coming into me just after I dropped a nasty deuce.

If we're lucky, we'll live long enough to where that'll happen to be our future anyway. Oh, yes, please. Can you imagine if you try to sneak out a fart in a public place, like you're in some seminar or movie theater, and you accidentally poop a little bit, and then your guy just, come on, drop your pants. Just quietly squeeze one out in the theater, and someone just appears next to you,

their hand just immediately goes down the back of your pants to clean it up. You're like, made of popcorn and bite, and there's just a hand between your cheeks. This is the kind of foresight that Mark has into this situation. That's even more fun to explain. It's like, sorry, that's my wipe genie. That's not what it is.

My wipe genie. I found a lion in the desert, and I jumped at his mouth. I found this vase and I rubbed it. And a guy came out and was like, you'll never wipe again. And then flew away. How else do you explain something? Especially if you have like a bad day where a couple sneak out.

Like people see like different people appear to keep wiping your ass for you. It's like, who are these people? They're my wipe genies. They come from my wipe brothel That's not the word My wife harem no my wife Posse Posse why is that word of all of those the one you have a problem with? Yeah, I'll see it makes sense. I saw your face. It looked weird. You were like... I consider that one because it actually wasn't as ridiculous as the ones

I was saying. Alright, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair. Alright, anyway, the result of round one is, of course, Mark wins it on points. Wait, what? Hold on, no, hold on. I went with the bold! I went bold! Reward me for going bold! That's not the rules. It's whomever I agree with. Haven't you learned

I'm very narcissistic when I'm the host? I revoke my double down. Wade loses two points. More than reversing the score, we now have Mark at one and Wade at negative one. Damn it. This is just like the days of old. You could have been absolutely decimated there, Mark, but you survived. I somehow did, yes.

For now. All right. For now. All right. For now. All right, any double downs? It's time for the next round, boys. It's time for some more choices. I've only got one left. Choosings.

I'm okay. No doubles? No doubles? I'll double! Oh, God. All right, Wade playing for two points or another negative. All right. I can tie it up here, coach.

You can. You can. I believe in you. I mean, it really comes down to what I've already chosen, which is pretty out of everyone's hands, except mine. I could change what I choose, couldn't I? Wiping could have been out of your hands, but you chose poorly. I'm good with having to wipe so that no one is there when I'm sad after my poop is gone.

Yeah, I get sad. I get separation anxiety uh okay here's your choice wade playing for the last double down he possesses that's right baby would you prefer to find out that your parents pay all of your friends to like you or pee out a small worm every time you go to pee i've got my answer wait is there any other context to that none of these things have context you're free to invent it but they exist in a vacuum where that's just how life is for you i shall go first this time I don't know if Mark's ready. No, I know which one I'm picking. I'm just mentally trying to understand what the fuck. It's easy.

You either piss out a worm or your friends are paid for by your parents. Obviously. Doesn't take that much thinking, opponent. All right, Wade, what do you got? You think you're so clever. Obviously, I want my parents to pay for my friends. One, I'm a social person but i also enjoy my alone time so if all my friends were fake and paid for either one they can continue to be

whatever or two i'll either go make new friends or just entertain myself but the biggest bright side of this option is my parents have to be fucking loaded to pay for that many friends so if they die i'm making goddamn bank and then i could pay for my own friends and everything will be fine if i'm pissing out worms i could be dirt poor filthy rich i don't really know but at least if my parents can afford to pay for my friendships at least i'm getting something out of the deal you assuming they're paying for your current existing roster of friends or that you have a lot of friends like more than you have like a like sane amount of friends or i suck they'd have to pay a lot for people to like me so i'm assuming they gotta be

loaded even if i've only got one friend i'm thinking about my current roster of friends you're kind of adding some adding some facts in that one but i'll allow that that's a little bit of a stretch but i picked the friends and i don't feel like i need to justify it i don't want to piss out worms it's really all that simple you big don't want to piss out worms. It's really all that simple. You big baby. You want to piss out worms? You pick the worms. You have to piss every... I pick first. I pee like four or five times a day.

I boldly countered you last time. That's so many worms. You just followed in my footsteps. Go piss a worm and then talk to me, you friendless heathen. Or have you pissed out a worm? I'm not saying. Why are you defending the worms? They're okay. You ever talk to one? Five times a day for 365 days times. Maybe I'll live, I don't know, like to 60.

Oh my God, 100,000 worms through my life. Is five times a day the average number of times someone pees in a day? I pee. I pee a lot every day. I pee like five, maybe even six times a day. I drink water. I drink a lot of water. That seems to like a lot to me. Well, five maybe even six times a day i drink water i drink a little that seems to like a lot to me well that's what i do i don't know what to do have you had your prostate checked yeah i have there's okay yeah it's fine i'd probably pee about five

times yeah when i get up you know like maybe around 11 i went to pee before we like to the podcast you know i'll squeak out peas just in case i'm like oh i'm gonna go do a thing for an hour you know that's that's true that's true yeah i would change how i do it if i didn't have to do it but well i get up in the middle of the night sometimes you know would you pee more or less if you had worms less what do you mean i would absolutely try and pee less yeah no maybe enjoy it you really save it up so you can get a bunch out all at once Different sizes and colors and stuff you never know what you're gonna get if I master like the ability to control my piss if I start And then stop is another worm going to appear or do I have to zip it all the way back up? It's more like uncorking you have a you have a session at the beginning of the session you've

got to break the seal as the i see i see the christening of the urine let me break the seal and allow my worms to come out it's like the tequila with the worm in the bottle that's what it is i see i picked the friend parent thing me too give me the rich parents well that's what i picked as well obviously because this one this i hopefully it's the only one but even if i was trying to make good ones and i i kind of like this one but the pee in the worm is just not a thing i think i could stomach yeah i don't i think i i think i would suffer a lot on that one so mark gets a point and wade gets two points. Woo! I'm still in the lead, right?

Two to one. I'm coming back, baby. Yeah, Mr. Out of Double Downs. Mark is still in the lead, though. Yeah, Mark has all of his duplays. Wade has none of his duplays. Just wait until you lose your double, double, double down. You don't know what I'm going to double, double, double.

I could have said at the beginning, but I will say now, the things that you're choosing between definitely get worse. But I don't know if that makes it easier or harder to choose between them. Probably harder. I don't know. Anyway, Mark, would you like to use any of your dooblies? No'm gonna hold on till he's gonna hold oh i choose to use one of his no sorry that doesn't work no double downs round three my lads pick your poison would you experience the pain of childbirth every time you poop or get a notification on a device that is permanently affixed to you in your brain or on your wrist or somewhere.

You cannot remove every time anyone in the world says a negative thing about you. Every single time. They are all separate notifications. You cannot turn them off or remove them from your person. I have my answer. Perhaps they're beamed directly into your brain. You're inescapable. Or pain of childbirth every time you poop, even if it's just a little bit.

Do you just get like a that it's happening or do you hear the thing? It's a sound. It's a vibration. And it will not stop pestering you until you look at it or acknowledge it in some way. So it's a thing you have to be aware of. You may not have to read every word, but you have to swipe it away

or something at the minimum. So you have a sense of how many things you're receiving at the very least. Easy. I did not think this one was that easy. I'm concerned what way he's gonna choose so do i have to i have to pick first right yeah margus first this time okay so i am and the type that doesn't really get bothered by negative comments or anything saying bad things about me

i don't really care i have this policy i've talked about where it's like if they don't know me it doesn't matter the fact that i get notified of everything and the sheer quantity of people that probably talk shit and you have to acknowledge it i once turned on my instagram notifications on my phone to send all notifications it was and you've seen videos of some celebrities doing it too it's just like your phone will start overheating and blow up for the sheer number of notifications i mean you did that a long time ago i forget it was a my bachelor party yeah we were somewhere in cincinnati and you had your phone out and one of the guys was like whoa is that your twitter and you were like you have no idea you just started like scrolling scrolling scrolling that was

out of it in 2013 which is yeah you know you're a little you're a little more famous now than i think you were almost a decade ago just a little so that would be life ruining my head would just constantly be vibrating like the sounds would just be emitting from my person i wouldn't be able to handle that life i wouldn't be able to get sleep it's not like the hate would stop and sleep so i have to pick the childbirth poops i'm hoping the poop doesn't last as long as normal childbirth every time but no it's just a poop okay okay i just have to pick that one but is it always as intense as like it never loses intensity you never get used to it just always an intense it's as if you're giving normal vaginal birth to your first child

always the same experience you don't like get used i mean you might get used to it mentally but your body doesn't like adjust or it's not you know yeah it's always that that experience so i am not mark famous thankfully and so the idea of me getting notified every time someone makes a negative comment is a lot more manageable plus i also not bothered by negative comments if anything i'm like i'm living rent free in that person's head by all means yes bald all caps times 542 got me yeah go for it so i'm gonna go that route i've never and probably will never hopefully experience giving birth to a child but from what i've heard and from stories i've heard and things you see on TV and whatnot, it seems not pleasant. And pooping is kind of a nice, relaxing part of the day where it's like you need to go sit down for a minute,

just browse your phone or whatever, just to relax. That would all of a sudden become a jigsaw moment of, Do you want to play a game? You had tacos for dinner, and you might have to take four shits today. Prepare yourself. It's like, no, no like no no no no i don't wanna and if you're feeling sick and then you have like the sick poops and they're also childbirth give me the notifications buzz in my head live rent free yes give me negative feedback i will

take it negative feedback all day for my piddly middle kind of famous but not really life I'll take it for mark 100% agree with him I would not be able to live me I can and I will baby as soon as you pick that and people know that that's happening someone's just gonna leave me would it be worse to have a bot that never stops tweeting because it would eventually get banned doing that or it'd be worse to have a bot that tweets you once a day every day never gets banned it never stops one tweet that just says bald this might be getting too personal but there was someone in our community years and years ago who used to tweet at me three times a day and it always started off positive middle one would be horribly negative and mean and the third one would always

be apologetic and i had that same cycle for like two years and then they disappeared and i'm not gonna lie it got to the point where i looked forward to it. I would like go and grab a drink like, oh man, it's almost two o'clock. It's almost time. Always between one and three. Where is it? What's it going to be today? Like I look forward to that. It got to be fun.

So I would take it. Fair. Fair. You guys know I'm not like super affected by social media, but I do. I get baited really easily. The subreddit lately has been rough for me. I cannot go and look at the subreddit and just read the stuff that people are, people are complaining a lot, let's say.

And every one I read, my brain is like, tell them, get them. I'm like, I can't respond to that. That's not responsible. And they're just expressing their complaint. It's fine. But so that's like a tough one for me. But Manny hasn't given birth yet. I've just like seen what comes before it.

And that is the most terrifying shit I can imagine. I don't think and I didn't think I could choose that one. So I had to choose the notifications of the mean things, even though I think that would slowly kill me. Also, childbirth looks scary. It looks really scary. Yeah, but that's mark's i gotta say that is mark's only chance of survival yeah so i guess i'll take the childbirth shits

the sad i'll take the childbirth shit well you know you get a lot of bowel obstructions and stuff so maybe you wouldn't poop that much well until they give me the seven rounds of laxatives and I'm pooping like 12 times a day. That was fine to do childbirth over 12 times a day. I mean, the thing is like it's a smaller window. So even like if I shat multiple times a day, it still wouldn't be as bad as like a normal childbirth because the pain. No, it would be like 20 hours of labor and everything. And there's no recovery i guess unless the pain of it causes you to take more time each time because of how

bad it hurt i feel like it would cause you to just want to get it out maybe but like there's also that thing in our brains that stops us from like causing ourselves pain that might slow i mean maybe eventually we'd adjust and be able to i don't know but that sounds horrible yeah i'll be fine guys guys i'll be fine tell us what it's like mark i. Yeah. I'll be fine, guys. Guys, I'll be fine. Tell us what it's like, Mark. I'll be fine. I'll be fine, guys. Anyway, Wade gets the point. You're at a party and Mark goes to use the restroom. You hear horrible screaming.

It's like, don't worry, guys. It's fine. He does this every time. Meanwhile, you're, don't worry, guys. It's fine. It's fine. Every time Mark poops, suddenly Wade starts vibrating violently. Markiplier only likes you because you vibrate that's not true

all right are we tied now good round yeah so it's tied that's right baby i'm back from the depths wade's we're mounting a comeback i choose to double double what does that mean i want to double double down again with mark's points since he's not using them I do not agree nothing that happens sorry bud do you want to double Mark no is it the last round

no okay then no we have in front of us we have three four five more rounds we could potentially do I don't think we're going to get through all of them but this is not the last round on the last round no matter what i will use every one of my all of them to quadruple you're gonna be up by three points there's no chance of me coming back you'd be like i choose to double double double double double double double double all right well no doubles this time just a straight up round of picking terrible stuff

boys pick your poison would you rather have porn audio softly playing from your pocket at all times or die in 2035 i like that i have to check the date i I'm like, okay, how many years? It's a little under 13 years, probably. 13 years. Okay. Well, give me the horny noise. I will 100%.

Give me the porn noise. I'm already weird. People aren't going to question it. It's fine. I'll be like, hey, I have to play it or I'm dead. So I have a condition. It's like a medical thing. I can't. Okay.

Yeah. So is it like a full, it goes back to back a full like video. Like, you know, you get the, hey, you just order some pizza. Wow. No. Yeah. So it does the whole thing. It's a porn TV station with no commercials.

It's just the actual content of the porn all the time with no titles or anything it just jumps right from the end where the music cuts for a second into hey you want somebody order a sausage pizza so dying in 2034 what what i can't what you're debating yeah i'm debating porn in my pocket all times or all right here's the thing I can't. What? You're debating? Yeah, I'm debating. I've got free porn in my pocket at all times or I'm dead. You can't watch it. That's not a part of it. It's just the sound. I've lived this existence, right?

Which one? No, no, no. The idea. I haven't gotten to the idea. Give me a chance, man. Before you start laughing. Give me a chance. Look. It's funny. So, the idea of having a set time when you die you know how much time you have left which is the big fallacy of life everyone knows they're gonna die someday but not everyone lives with that reality you could die tomorrow next year whatever at any

moment anything could happen having well what is it 13 years it? 13 years-ish? Yeah. Sometime in 2035, I know I'm going to die. Guaranteed I'm going to die. Guaranteed? That's 12 or 13 years that I could do incredible things. I've only been on YouTube for a little over 10, 10 and a half about. Think of what I could do in 12. Like, if I really knew that at the end of that, I would get there and what I would be 45, 46, something like that. That's a good life. It's not a long, long life, but that's a good life. And I'm not even saying so much that the porn is what bothers me. That would ruin a lot of like potential things.

Going out to dinner would be problematic. You know, dating, like taking dates and stuff like that. I could never be a politician, I don't think, or anything like that. Not that I want to be. It would just ruin a lot. I could never be a politician, I don't think, or anything like that. Not that I want to be. It would just ruin a lot.

Even recording YouTube videos would be difficult because it would constantly be a present thing. But if I had a set time of when I was going to die, if I look at it like, okay, that's bad, but I have 12 years, that's still pretty good. Honestly, I'm of the type that I've never wanted to live forever. And I don't particularly look forward to being old and decrepted. If I had to pick one, I think I'd pick the 2035. I think statistically, I'll take the chances. I'll probably outlive 46 on my own terms and give me the porn and the chance. Also, knowing when I'm going to die, man, that last year would be rough.

Like that would really start to weigh on you as it gets closer. Honest, honest, honest, honest. I know, right? Yeah, but that's not the end Woundless, harness, woundless, harness. I know, right? Yeah, but that's not the end of your show. It's the end of you. I know, it was the same principle for me. Woundless, harness. Look, this is what I'm about.

I practice what I preach, man. I would love to know when I die. All right. This one, I looked at it and I came to my answer about as quickly as Wade did. And then I kept thinking about it. And if this was posed to me a year ago, I know exactly what I would do. Porn doesn't really bother me. Not a huge deal. Like you said, Mark, it would cause problems. But Mark is dead on accurate that knowing exactly how much time you have left, even if it's not as much as you might want

or feel like you need or whatever, you would know the scope and you would have an understanding of what your life could be and like have a motivation to do it. And I would snap decision that potentially, except now that we're having a kid, that seems like a really...

Oh, come on. He's fine. I lost mine when I was 12. He'll be great. That seems like a really bad proposition, I guess. And having porn in your pocket around a kid would not be great. But being there and having... The birds and the bees real easy.

You're interrupting me telling you that you're winning. Calm down. Oh, okay. Being there and having the bees real easy. You're interrupting me telling you that you're winning. Calm down. Being alive for as much of your kid's life as possible and having the porn situation. I have to pick that over dying before I know my kid is even going to be fully grown. As if I died when my kid was in middle school or about to start high school, I know that they would probably be fine. But i don't i wouldn't ever want that not for any personal reasons but because i wouldn't want to do that if i had any control over it i mean no one has actual control over it but i have to make the choice that i would rather have the porn audio and hope i live past

that age whatever who knows what's gonna happen i have to pick that so i would i want to choose with mark but i have to choose with i get that yeah i get that which is tough that's fair would you stay motivated for the full 13 years or would you have like an upward curve of motivated now then it kind of dies down then it's like the date approaches you get it again i imagine it would be very similar to how unisonus was where the first few months we were extremely motivated i mean covid was also a, but it's like during the middle transitional period, people watching definitely like lost the importance. And then at the end it was like, you know, uh, so yeah, it would probably follow the same curve. I, I, I do kind of like really want to, it reminded

me like, man, I really need to think like that. I need to think like I could die in a year. I could die in a month. I could die in 10 years, 20, 50. I don't know. So I need need to think like that i need to think like i could die in a year i could die in a month i could die in 10 years 20 50 i don't know so i need to live life like that it's a good reminder suppose depends on what your motivations are but yeah so that was a tough one because i sort of chose against what i think i would personally want but for a pretty powerful reason but anyway the result is wade gets a point and mark does not putting wade into the lead well well well back on top baby it's not surprising swing late o'clock yet do we want two more rounds or one more round let's do one more and i'm wagering it all i don't need to all right well i do i'll wager it all too i'm double double double i hear my proclaim double double double mark going for the triple double not the basketball thing this thing and

wade really hoping that mark gets it wrong well he will maybe fate has shined upon me this last week and a half it's so shine again. This is my favorite combo of the night. Excellent. With everything on the line, basically for only Mark, Wade's choice almost doesn't even matter. Oh, well, great. Feels good to be here, guys.

You're a poison. Would you eat a puppy, a live, healthy puppy? You may not cook or prepare it. You must consume it and its soul or kill 10 people and get away with it. Do I get to choose who? Yeah, do we get to choose who? You may choose who you kill.

You could choose anyone in the world. You get away with it. You live the rest of your life knowing you killed 10 human beings. I know my answer. I think I have my answer, but man, that's... Frighteningly fast. I don't like this. I know my answer. I thought this would be fun. I don't like this anymore. Whose turn is it to go first?

Can I sweeten the deal by saying you don't have to eat the bones of the puppy? Just the flesh and organs and skin and fur? Do you think we're both going to go with killing people? I don't know. Yeah, so you're both locked in i think wade should go first because his choice really couldn't matter less thanks man what do you pick wade it's been an honor to be here uh i'm killing the people dude there are some evil fucking people i'll go for the people. I feel like I have a higher chance of being able to stomach killing a bad person than living with myself explaining how I devoured a living dog,

an innocent little puppy. And not to mention, I don't know that I could physically actually eat a dog. Whereas I'm pretty sure, like a living being of any kind, I don't know that I could do it. Like an ant or something, maybe. But a dog? You eat like pounds of meat at a time when we go to like Fogo. I'm a hypocrite though

I could never kill my own food. Oh okay okay. I admit this freely. You have talked about that before actually. But a person that like I know is just a scumbag son of a bitch whose existence makes the world a worse place I could justify that. But what if you meet their mother somewhere?

Why did you raise such a shit kid? If they know what a son of a bitch they had, they'll probably shake my hand. What if it's one of the people who wiped your butt? You didn't do a good enough job. Maybe they're one of the ones that didn't get the left cheek enough. I can rationalize.

Okay, okay. People suck. A puppy is just like a representation of innocence and purity. And while it's not a human life, I'm not one of those people who thinks humans are on this big pedestal of being so much better than everything else. Hmm. So, uh, I'll take the innocent puppy and leave them be and I'll take out ten sons of bitches. Yeah. Eat the puppy, Mark.

The funny thing is, Wade, we've disagreed on every single one of these which is fascinating and for this one it is an interesting thing for me to look at my own judgment and say i have the confidence and will and intelligence to be the arbitrator of who deserves death is not really someone something that i would think of myself on a day-to-day basis that being said i don't have to use it up that quickly right i don't have to do a 10 at once right no they don't have to be all at once i would say there's a sort of a deadline not like a tight one but you can't screw around and put it off you forgot it the night before like shit i need to have 10 bodies damn it and i have to get probably all 10 of them within a year yeah some some sort of short but reasonable timeline you have to finish this expeditiously

yeah it's like i hate to when people are like i am the arbitrator of justice and death but at the same time i kind of agree with wade in terms of like humans are not necessarily something to be put on the pedestal um but at the same time life is precious but it's like which one could i live with right and i've never taken a life that's the thing i've never taken a life before in terms of human life i'm sure i've killed many bugs and i'm sure the inadvertently or inadvertently i've eaten many puppies alive you get used to anything you're making 10 puppies to to even it out a little bit to be a little less fair um i kind of agree with wade there are some people out there who are evil evil people out there and i'm not big on labeling things as good

and evil like i don't think humanity some people are evil i think everyone is like capable of evil but there's some clearly evil people out there you know all over the world and 10 of them that's an opportunity i i think i'd go with that one ah are you sure wade that seems like a lot of consensus what if i what if i agree completely with where you guys landed i feel like that poses a real threat to your slim lead wade no i feel pretty good about it because most of the points Mark had was just agreeing with my points. Well, I mean, we disagreed every... What? There was one that you agreed on.

Oh, was there? Oh, okay. Neither of you wanted to pee worms. Ah, I see. I remember that one. I tried to push that out of my brain. Yeah, that too. Broad agreement on that one.

I see. Anyway. Let me be fair. Most of these things I don't want, but if I had to pick, then I agree with not peeing worms. Well, this is a tough one, which is the purpose.

And I do generally agree with you guys, except that I don't know if I could live with myself with the idea that I am the only one. I am the judge and the jury and the executioner. I have decided, even if it's thoroughly researched, I don't know if I could still live with the idea that I took 10 lives when I could have chosen to take one life and ultimately limited the amount of damage that my life choices have caused. I cannot imagine what it might be like to eat a

puppy even my strategy would be to put it out of its misery and not like try and eat it and keep it alive i thought you said you had to eat it while it was alive you are handed an alive puppy and you have to eat it but you don't have to like eat it as it's still i thought we were forking knife in this thing while it was yeah you know it's what it's that's fair that's not that that might change my answer i don't know if it would, but I actually thought that I was just here like Hannibal Lecter-ing a dog

while it's barking and whining at me bite by bite. I will accept that as a premise, and it does not change my answer, unfortunately. I'm just Kevorkian it where I'm going to go help people that want to die

and are suffering. No, I'm... Mark's just like... I've got a knife. You evil son of a bitch even that i feel like is a slippery slope though because i'm sure they're all are i'm sure that there are a lot of people who feel may feel that way because of whatever is happening an illness or something completely insufferable that just happened to them that is torturing them who given that enough time

may recover may come to terms live that scenario i get you yeah like i just even in that situation i would feel like i'm making a judgment that you're of sound mind and agreeing with your potentially inaccurate conclusion that you don't want to live even though that that is a thing that can change and it's an unfortunate conclusion for Wade. Because that means that you both agree, which earns Wade one point, increasing his lead to four to two over Mark. But that earns Mark the triple double downer. Wait, six points.

Catapulting mark. No. To an eight to four victory. Oh! Thought you would have pieced that together, Wade. I was trying to draw out my conclusion on which one I'd pick because I thought you'd figure it out. I thought he just agreed with me so you'd still pick me over him.

Oh! I didn't know we were both going to get points. I forgot about the worms where we did. Yeah, you can both get points. It's true. All he had to do was agree and he was guaranteed victory. It's awful. Well, not necessarily.

Well, I guess if he'd lost, he would have lost more points. It would still have been. Yeah. Why didn't you eat the puppy, damn you? I'm not going to eat the puppy. Admittedly, after I do kill the 10 people, I would probably still turn myself in because I feel like... Is that still eat the puppy?

No, I'd turn around and eat the puppy at the end of it. I'd take all. Is all an option? No, I would turn myself in just because I do not feel like it would be right for me to get away with it. If I had the power to do the action i might as well like go all the way and accept the responsibility of what i did because if i felt strongly enough

that it needed to be done then you know i cannot value my own life more than the ones that i ended even if it was evil and i have to take responsibility for that and then then i'd let you know i'd let the rest of the people decide what to do with me i would ascend the stairs of the courthouse and the chief justice would hang laurels on my head and a medal around my neck because i will have done the state a service anyway mark wins i can't believe saving the triple double saved you. I thought you were going to lose it on being in the lead and triple doubling yourself

out of the lead. I thought so too. I was suspecting that. Yeah, no, you're right. I can't believe I lost the wiping of the butt. I'll take it. I stand by it. Wipe my ass for me, world. I just can't believe you double-double down so hard on that one.

I didn't know it was that one to be fair i know it was the first one you really started on the back foot there well i wanted to start strong get a nice lead have a nice cushion i understand oh boy loser speech win you big loser wipe me oh my god i'm sure you could pay someone to do that i guess i don't know if it's a consensual thing it's expensive a different person every day you like hire an agency and people sign up to and then

if their number gets drawn maybe they get paid or something you probably coordinate that you might be into that if you want to wipe Wade's butt just text him at 48 I said your actual phone number because I know it by heart

the censor's there go to my house I don't know how to beep beep you're good drive oh god well so I feel awful about that last one

we don't have to talk about that anymore, though, because the game is over. You're right. We can tell you the host next time. Yay. Can I give a winner's speech? No. Can I give a winner's speech? I mean, you did.

I feel like we're circling back here. Did I? No, I didn't. Wait. I don't think you did. No, I didn't. We're getting older. Did I prompt Mark to give a winner's speech in my head and then listen to Mark talk in

my head and then say none of it out loud? Because that never happened out loud. Did I prompt Mark to give a winter speech in my head and then listen to Mark talk in my head and then say none of it out loud? Because that never happened out loud. All right, Mark, you can give a winter speech, but only if it's exactly what I hallucinated in my head. Watch out, everyone at home. I have a license to kill, and I'm coming for the evil ones. Don't be evil.

I'm Santa. I'm going to turn into Santa. You're Murder Santa. Murder Santa. Is that what you imagined in your head? Is that what you imagined? Wildly enough, no, it's not. But I'll forget that, I guess.

All right, fair enough. I really did just black out for a second, hallucinate that I asked Mark to give a winner's speech. Hey, that happened to me when we were out in LA. Remember my milkshakes? That was way weirder and much worse than my blackout oh yeah no that was bizarre we need to talk about that story we won't remember to do that but we do no time no next time next time

Dragon Ball Z do do do do do do do do do do do do do do yep that's a thing that was the yeah I got that thanks for competing guys look forward to mark's hosting next week you can find my friends mark at markiplier on all of the social media places

wade at lord minion 777 or just minion 777 on twitch and if you literally search for bob friend of markiplier that's the only way to find my content i saw someone posted in the subreddit it works it worked it work. That's incredible. That way I get all the emails for you. Anyway, thanks for listening, Lizards. Make sure you follow the podcast. We release it every Monday, but still, if you follow it, you'll never miss it because your phone will bother you until you listen.

We have merch at store.distractablepodcast.com. And, you know, thanks so much for listening and uh post something positive on the subreddit or i'm gonna keep crying every time i open reddit please we do look at that and and it hurts we look at that yeah it has been a little bait filled which is just people's excuse for rants so post something nice post your favorite thing about the podcast be kind you shits okay uh that's i'm to go ahead and cut that off. Sorry. Was that too,

was that too hostile? Go ahead and cut that off. No more, no more of the outbursts. Wait, that's the end of the podcast. We're out of here. Podcast out.