Distractible - Yeah, He'd Live

Episode Date: February 2, 2026

Your favorite Distractible game just got a whole lot more medical. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Stalkers markers, talks head, accuses Wade of wittery, clarifies cholesterol, then plays doctors and nurse. Balls out Bob hates screwing, loves sausage sauce, sucking herodinia, microflaying, radiology, and loob. Wearing nothing, Wade, loves to blow on the sidewalk, admits NPChood, initiates spirometry, and amputates. From anus criminals to fisting prostates. Yes, it's time for, yeah, he'd live. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Well, hello there, handsome and or beautiful people out there. I can see you.

Even if you're only a listener, I can see you. Wow, didn't decide to wear clothes this morning. Been there, done that. I'm your host, Markiplier, here for Distractable with my fellow naked men, Bob and Wade. Ah, hello, yes. It's me. I'm naked, especially if you're listening. You can hear it.

Yep, this is my real shirt, or skin. Fuck, let me. Oh, old shirt skin. Point to Bob for being able to keep up with the bit the longest without messing it up. My brain, just don't say shirt, don't say shirt. Sure! Kept a bit.

All right, good. This is my real dick. I mean, shirt. Well, anyway, this is distractible. This is the show where anything happens and points are given out in accordance to strict laws and adherence to rules. If anyone says otherwise, they are a heinous criminal that is trying to destabilize the entire establishment that we have built the pillars of society that we have driven into the ground with a pile driver. That nobody wants to be an ancient. criminal.

Nobody wants to be... What? Is that not what you said? I don't think that's what I said. heinous. heinous. Yeah, anus. Anus.

We're saying the same thing. Anus. FBI's but crime division. Anus. All right. Okay. Well, this is distractible. And I'm the judge of the person that is going to enforce the rules.

These two are going to participate in my lovely, lovely game. with which I will allow them to dabble into the worlds of imagination to concoct realities untold. That's right. What is that? A little screwy bit. Oh, you got an Allen key? Wait a minute. Just wait until you see what I got.

Look, it's a right angle XLR adapter. Oh, that is handy. Oh, that's a really convenient thing to have. It actually is. That's super convenient. Yeah, wait, I wasn't going to quiz you on what the name of that twisty thingy. You said was, but Alan's wrench. That is.

It is truly Allen's wrench. Velociraptors love it. They see this and they go, Alan. What's that from the movie? The velociraptors appear in the kitchen scene, and he's all, Alan. Best dream sequence ever.

Did you know that in Canada, they have a different screwhead? I did know that. It's called the Robert. Yeah, which if you look at it, it's just a square and that's kind of cool and all. It's the best screwhead ever designed. It's so much better. A Phillips screws can die in a fire and I hate them. Yes, I think Phillips screws are fundamentally flawed and pretty pathetic, but now that we have

those star screws, I got to admit, hello? That's a weird admission. Did you hear that or was... No. Didn't hear a thing. I heard like a Like a high-pitched tone You know like a hearing test

Where it's like Sheka's barking Something that happened Check on this, are you safe Yeah, do you need to investigate It's fine Don't worry about it Anyway, the star screws

They probably have a name right Torques Is that Torx heads Torque Torquex T-O-R-X T-R-X torques Yeah Aren't they the

the superior screw now? I mean, torques are cool. I like Roberts because it's simple, but all good, all superior. Anything that's not a Phillips, the best. Anything that's not, I've never had a Phillips screw

that hasn't eventually stripped. It is just awful. Typically, I'm all for stripping, but not with screws. Drip right now. I am. This is my real shirt. Take your skin off, quick.

I mean, your shirt, fuck. Yeah, what do you get under that? Oh, you want it? You want it? It's under here? More shirt. Wow.

Yeah, more shirt. Uh, anyway, sorry, I had to write some points for, I won't say who. Congrats, Bob. We all know. Well, just so you know, Wade, you're right. We'll have to a strong start. But this is not an episode about screwheads or screw types, even though that would be a fascinating episode and everyone would be very excited.

I would have done so well. It would have done incredibly. we would have gotten in the charts. What are we in the charts? I haven't looked in a minute. Gotta be honest. We're at least top 100, probably. Probably, probably, probably, probably.

Man, it's gonna be a much longer episode if we have to tear everyone down this time. Yeah, we don't need to go into that. It's not important. It's not part of the problem. Although we should do a marathon episode. We should do compilation episodes that aren't actually clips.

It's just multiple episodes in one episode. And we really, really exploit YouTube's retention time. and we, you know, yeah, you know what I'm saying? No, I didn't follow any of that. All right, let me repeat myself. We should have compilation episodes. Multiple episodes and one. Like ones we've already done or new ones where we just like go right into it with one recording.

Same. We already done them. Guys, the chart situation is not great. I'm going to be honest. Damn. I can't find us on the main charts. Oh, we're not even on the charts anymore. Damn. Maybe we're at least chart adjacent.

We are out of the top 200 on the top. charts. Let me look at comedy. That usually cheers me up. That's a hell of a fall. We're 12 on comedy. We're still 12. We can do it. But there's only 13. That's still not bottom. Woo. We did it. All right. We're better than Conan O'Brien. Listen, this is why we're going to be better than, better than Conan O'Brien. We're going to say right here right now because we're going to start with the greatest small talk we've ever done in our entire life. Take it away, Wade. Okay, What are we talking to? Oh, it's small. I was like, what's the topic for small time? What's a small talk topic? I don't know. Let me tell you, life changing. This goes back to last

episode to some extent, but life changing thing, snowblowers. You too? Let me tell you. So much better than shovel. Shovel great for like an inch or a little bit more or less, whatever. But any more than that, snowblower life changing. You push it and the snow just go. However, depending on how your blower blow, if the wind, Wind go, go. Snow, oh, no. You know? Mm-hmm. Are you the type of guy that's doing your snowblower up drive where you're like,

oh, thank goodness. And you turn it around to go the other way. You're like, oh, no. Oh, God. No, but I did blow into the wind and everything I blew just came right back and covered me and the spot I'd already been plowing. That's exactly what I was pantomiming. Yeah, that's the joke.

But it was all one direction. It was just consistently the wrong one. Oh, okay. Oh, so you totally went the wrong. So you went the wrong way. Backed it all the way up to the beginning. I see. Well, the alternative was doing the sidewalk, right?

So, like, otherwise I have to walk through the snow to blow it the correct way. And I wasn't going to do that. So I'm sorry, just the thing, does the head on your snowblower not rotate? It does, like, left, straight or right. But I don't know, no, no matter which one I did, the snow somehow came right back. It seems like that's the three options you need to select from, though. I feel like you could find a right answer in there. Yeah, but it's not like, it's not straight, left, right like this.

It's more like kind of diagonally. Mm-hmm. So it's still going straight, no matter which direction I switch it to. So some of it was still blowing back. Edders, can you make it so wait accidentally cast a spell right there? Because it's really, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it goes straight. Oh, no, no, no.

This is not anywhere near as elegant as you had it. worse. No, no, the first one was better. First one was way better. Yeah. I can't like have spells, but yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay, man. It's okay. Don't worry about it. Magic is over. Snowblower good, but wind, wind snowblower couldn't be bad.

Well, that's good. Snowblower, good, but, you know, it takes a certain intel. You know how certain items and games you need like an intelligence level to be able to use it properly. You can still use it. With Eldon Ring, you can use it. It's just not effectively. I've got the master blow, but I'm too under-level for it. That's okay.

Now you know where to spend your level up points. I feel like the kind of person, if this was a D&D campaign, people start off at like, I'm an 18 year old level one wizard, and by the time I'm 50, I'll be level 90. And I'm the guy that comes in like, yeah, I've lived 20 years of trying to level up, still level one NPC over here. Oh, NPCs are usually level five. Yeah. I know you've only been cooking for a day and you've leveled it up to 10.

I'm still cooking level one, and I'm a cook. NPC stats, y'all. Don't worry, man. Don't worry. You'll get there. You get a segue point, Wade. Thanks for your sweet segue to my small talk. Yay!

All right. My first point. Probably. It's not. So I like cooking, and I, I haven't been fairly successful at cooking, a wide-ish range of things, and I like to experiment, but I learned a new thing recently, and it's just so much easier than I thought it was. And it's so fucking delicious when you make it at home. Microwave.

No. Have you guys ever made homemade sausage gravy? Oh, yeah. Not homemade, but I love sausage gravy. You haven't made homemade sausage gravy. Wade, you haven't ever made homemade anything? Oh, no. Sausage and bacon grease gravy?

That's like a staple growing up item for me, yeah. Okay. I've never made that before, and I always thought it was more. It's not complicated. It couldn't, literally couldn't be easier. And holy shit, when you make it at home, is it delicious? Can I walk you through before you do it just to prove? I don't even believe that you, or I don't even not believe that you know how to do it.

I just don't believe you've ever done it yourself. I believe you've watched it be done and then you've eaten it. This is quite a statement. It's quite a statement. I can't imagine you cooking. I've only personally made it once. This is true. Molly's made it a few times, but growing up, my grandparents made it all time.

My mom made it all the time. I actually prefer bacon to sausage. I got burnt out on sausages as a kid. And I've, having an album that I want like a sausage link, but I typically don't. But no, like, I'm assuming. Assuming the way you're talking is you'll like fry some sausage, use the grease, maybe take some out of you have too much grease, add some flour, add milk, add milk, let it brown, salt pepper, done? Yeah. Yeah, it really is, it's so good.

It's one of the most, it's probably terrible for you because it's literally just grease with flour and milk, but it's so good. Oh, it's just horrendous. It's, it's fat, salt and grease all congealed into one big sauce you slop on something else that's fat and salty and greasy. Oh, God. You have that with some biscuits and eggs and baking or salt, whatever. Oh, it's so good. I want it right now. Anyway, I'd never made that at home before.

We were just like, man, I want breakfast for dinner. And it was kind of like, oh, God, I really want like sausage gravy. Man. And I was like, I'll do it. And I did. And it was just so easy and delicious. Anyway, I just, I'm constantly shocked. There's so much cooking stuff where I've been like, oh, that's, I could never make that.

And then you just try it. And you're like, actually, that's not that. Actually, it's not too hard. pretty good. Places like Bob Evans and stuff have a similar type to the homemade, but there's something about it that's always different. I don't know if they put too much in it or if it's because it's like preserved or something, but making it home hit so different.

Yeah, it does. I recently did that with chicken Marsala too. Chicken Marsala is very delicious and not that hard to make it home and it's real good. I think what I'm learning is cooking is easy guys. Easy game. I've got the cheat codes. Do you want to know my favorite, my favorite gravy meal? This might surprise you.

I don't know what that means. Go ahead. Favorite gravy meal? This might be my favorite meal of like anything. Is it the KFC Sadness Bowl? If I was on death row and they asked me my final meal, this would probably be it. Bacon grease gravy, like the sausage gravy talking about with bacon grease, gravy, fried pork chops. Oh, Jesus.

Where you get like the flour, dip it an egg. Sure, sure. Fried everything. Biscuits, mashed potatoes, and peas. You wouldn't need to be put to death. You just die if you ate enough of that. And you cut up the pork chops. You tear up the biscuits.

You mix all of it together, add some salt and pepper, especially pepper. Mix it all up. It looks terrible. If you get like the potato gravy, the right amount of each, and then you get like a bite of pork chop and biscuit all in one bite, it is Ambrosia. It is the best thing in the world. It's so good. Ambrosia, he says. My auntie used to call that gloop.

I love gloop. I would die and I probably will die for Gloop. Yeah, I imagine that'll be the end of you someday. It'll be too old and you'll take a bite. and it'll just be like, oh, there's that last 5%. Somehow my Carson, what the fuck am I trying to say? Carson Daily? No, the cholesterol is the word.

My carcin. My cholesterol has never been bad somehow. Well, recently they did discover that they're kind of been a bit wrong about cholesterol and the levels that it actually should be over a long period of time. That's why I think they've been inconsistent for a while. And you should actually have a little bit more of both types. you know, it's like, it's hard to actually say, quantify. That's what I keep telling the doctor.

Yeah, it's, it's complicated. Turns out, human by, very complicated. Anyway, but weirdly enough, Bob, you get the other segue point because we're going into our game called, Yeah, he'd live. Okay. All right, yeah, you getting me and see where this is going? All right, we're going to start this off

with a scene. You two are the world's greatest doctors. The most lives saved? One of you has one more patient than the other, but I won't say which one. You kind of debate which one counts as a patient. Your counts are in the thousands, but you know, he kind of squabble between each of which one actually counted and which one was actually easy. But you are gathered here because you have a patient in front of you on the operating table. Mystery illnesses presenting with lesions.

High fever, abdominal exploding. There's multiple things wrong with them. They're on the verge of death. Only you, whichever one of you can do it. Only one of you can save this patient. And you, in the same vein of all the other, blah, blah, live. Yeah, win. No, no, no, you know.

And that way, you'll take turns. You'll repeat the action of the previous doctor, and when you reset time and go back and try again. Let's just assume the other one just like brings them back to borderline health. Whatever. Wave it however you want. The next person will repeat that action because you secretly do respect your fellow doctor's genius ability. And you know that they were on the right path.

But obviously they weren't seeing the chest move in front of that one. So you got to repeat that action and then do the next action after that in the same vein of all the, yeah, I'd win. But you're trying to save this patient's life. In other words, it's exactly the same thing we'd do before, with a slightly different rapper to make it feel fresh. I like this wrapper. So I need to pull up my D20 because the way this works for everybody at home who haven't seen another nah I'd win or now I'd lose.

They're going to take a turn. It's a D20. If they roll for every good action, they will get plus one advantage on their roll. They need a 20 total to win and save the patient or save the life. Nahy or she would live. but they incrementally get their advantage growing with each turn that it takes. Could hit on the first one, could hit on the last one. So I'm going to flip to see who goes first.

We, of course, have heads for Wade, Taylor's for Bob. Bunk. We got heads for Wade. Congratulations, Wade. You're going first, Doctor. It's not saying you're more skilled than your fellow doctor. Because you're not. Some may say.

All right. So right now we know nothing about them other than in front of us and they're dying. Well, they have high fever, abdominal, explosions. They look terrible. Okay, they've got a lot of bad symptoms. Yeah, today, they're, they're flatlining every few minutes or a few seconds, you know.

They're kind of like going in it. Ah! You know, kind of like that. Really horrible. In utter agony, desperate. And just to remind myself and everyone out there, this is the thing where if I say too many words, Bob has to repeat them exactly. This is the don't be too long.

That's the bit, yes. Alright. Dear Journal of American Medical Association, I can't believe this happened to me. Okay. Go on. My patient! His lungs, is he breathing? And I check his lungs.

He check his lungs. I'm sorry. Check his lungs. I'm not sure if that works towards saving him. Dr. Bob, Dr. Miskins. Uh-huh. In your medical opinion, do you think that assists in getting the patient closer to life? I'm going to say, yeah, as an initial thing, like, if you check his lungs, it's like, oh, there's a squirrel in there.

And you know what you know you're going next. Like, it gives you a... That's good. Classic thing. That's good, like checking the tailpipe for if there's a squirrel in there. The classic banana in the lungs gag, yeah. People used to worry about gerbils up the butt, but no, it's been squirrels in the lungs. It's been the real killer.

All right. We're rolling. This, that saves a thing, I swear to God. Hmm, not quite. It was a good, it was a good check, but with a 15 plus one, you got 16 nearly there. But as you check, you leaned, it's like an ocean. It's like tidal waves in there, like every breath. And then it's quiet all of a sudden. And the patient dies. Ready to operate now. Dr. Meiskins is your turn.

Oh, yeah, great. Dear Journal of American Medicine history, I can't believe it happened to me. You both are ready or competing papers. My patient. I'll check his lungs. Wait, why am I still writing this? Okay. The next thing I do is, I think it must be an old school problem.

Lungs are clear, no squirrels? Leaches. Leeches everywhere. Any part of any fleshy bit I can get a leach onto? Boom, leached. That'll suck it out. Penis leached. Taint, leached.

Perennium, leached. His a. B.C. Leached. A.C. D.C. Leached. All right. We'll see if leaches work. This will give you plus two. Oof. It's a two. You get a four total. Nope. You bleed him dry. All blood is vacated.

Um, he's super dead now. Uh, frothed in the mouth. All blood, like, emaciated, dried husk. Dead. Dr. Barnes. Dear Jama. Journal of American Medical System. Can't believe this happened to me. My patient. I'll see if he's bruceing. breathing. A little bit doesn't sound good. Why am I still writing this? You know what? I'll go a bit more old school. Leaches. Cover the patient and leeches. Now that he's getting all that bad blood out. Amputate the feet. I get my buzz saw.

Oh, Lord. Oh. Dr. Weisskids in your professional opinion, do you think that gets closer to life? If the feet were the problem? Or is his genius so good that we just can't see what? he's going with this. I mean, it's not impossible that there's something so wrong with his feet that that's the solution. I like you, doctor. We should work together. Maybe he's got the gangrene or some sort of flesh-eating thing on his foot. I mean, leeches were as likely to cure it as this, I would say. Hey, leeches is a legitimate medical treatment that's still employed in hospitals to this day.

It is. It actually is. Not for the reason that they used to do it, but it is. I know it is, but I'll give it to the feet. Maybe there's some horrible infection. Let's roll. It's a plus three. 12. Total 15. Not quite. He's, his lungs are full.

He drowns in his own sputum. His blood is all gone and then his feet seal the deal. He barely feels that, though, before he dies. Just so if that makes you any feel good. I'm gonna feel really bad when we cure him and you're down any feet. My bad. Dr. Myskins, uh, what's the next step? Dear Mamma jamas at jama.

I can't believe it happened to me. Uh, I'm gonna check this patient's lungs and save them while I write this. Oh, that doesn't sound good. I should probably stop writing. All right. Now I'm gonna cover him in leeches. I don't know what that will do, but it looks like I'm doing something. And isn't that really what we're trying to do at work?

Just get through the day. Anyway, I found my buzzsaw. He's never going to have feet again. Uh, right. He's sick. I am going to go hypermodern. Leaches is the old school. The new school technique is a laparoscopic robotic microsurgery. I'm just going to cut his whole abdomen open and flay him and then use a tiny little robot to search around for what's wrong and fix it.

Modern technology. You're gonna flay him macros so you can send a tiny robot in. It could be a whole fleet of tiny micro-robots. All the surgeries all happening at once. One of them is probably gonna find something. All right, you know what? I'm not even gonna ask Dr. Barnes if that helps. I know it's helping.

I think this is a terrible idea. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm gonna back you up on feet cutting offing. You didn't give me micros. I'm only saying because I know he'll do the opposite of what I think anyway, so you're welcome. Look, hey, I gave you the... All right, we're rolling.

What a genius. Yes. Nat 20. Yes, I knew it would work. Oh, thank God I don't remember laparoscopic idioma or whatever you said. The incredible genius to know that the leeches would create all the cavities for the laparoscopic surgery and that the feet could cause a sudden purge as the machines push in and push down. All the illness goes shooting.

out the stumps like, oosh, splat all over Dr. Barnes. Damn it. He's like, you know, covered in it. There you see an outline of him and all the, all the grossness and illness. That's why the feet had to come off. That's the exit route. I can't believe he's getting posted and bad Mamma Jamma before me. All right.

Let me find my, let me get my notebook back. Dear Jamma, I did it. Dear sexy mammas of JAMA magazine. I'm going to tell my grandma about you, Mamma, Jammas at Jammer. She lives in Alabama. Rides the battle on a camma. What? What did you say? I was trying to do camel, but camo.

Cammer. Oh. Camel. Camel. All right. So you, okay. Dr. Bice says that was incredible. You both go home. By the way, it was like an auditorium operating room. So you had a whole bunch of people around. They all got up and they were like this, you know. That's why we had to have those flourishes because we wanted to really put on a show for the people. Yeah.

All right. So since you're both go-getters, right? It's the next day. You both are on your 3 a.m. hike, sprint, actually, up a mountain. And you get to the top of the mountain and you see each other. You go like, oh, is you? Because, you know, I got a bit, two, three, 29. And I get whatever.

But using your super doctor senses, you hear a cry for help. Someone at the top of the mountain is going, You both scramble over and on the ledge there is a man who is dangling by one finger on the ledge of a cliff that is the most precipitous drop makes El Capitan looks like a hole that a child dug It's miles into their finger right here all of the fingers broken and backwards are actually like splayed backwards so he only has the one finger His other arm is is bent and contorted from being 127 hours so he's really really really emaciated and tired, and both his legs are gone. His feet are gone, for some reason. Might be the same person.

Happens a lot. Happens a lot. Well, well, well. Redemption arc for me. Yeah, I'm not saying it's the same guy, but it looks and kind of sounds like it, and the feet are missing. Maybe he was going up for a celebratory hike. Kind of shouldn't have done that right after he got out of the hospital.

With no feet, yeah. Yeah, he's on the ledge. And it's up to you two to save him. It's your turn, Bob. Okay. I assess the situation and decide that I can approach. I get down on one knee close to the patient and whisper to myself, I can't wait to write Jammo about this.

And then I check his lungs. Because we've all agreed that that helps. All right. Standard operating procedure, always check the lungs. I don't know they say You got to make sure you have an airway You check those lungs And then you can move on to whatever next thing

You gotta do That's what they teach you Broken fingers Could be a lung issue Maybe he needs more air You don't know Could be, could be All right

Do you go like No take a deep breath Yeah Get down Get down Pull my stethoscope out Like All right deep breath in

And again If you could Refrain from moaning One more time It's gonna be a little cold I'll warm it up for you You're not in a hurry are you You rolled an 8 plus 1

As you lean down His airway sounds great And then you don't hear anything anymore Except a distant As he falls to his doom I heard thank you That counts as a win for me Not quite, not quite

Dr. Barnes You see your fellow doctor Dr. Bumbling over there to check the lungs and you know you have to do the same because you know Standard operating procedure. Yeah, yes. Standard. I get out my pen and paper, get down on one knee. This is for you, Jama. I look down to my patient knowing the first thing to do is check the lungs. So I listen in. Lungs are good. I yell, nurse, suction! She brings over the suction tube, typically reserved for like blood and other things to siphon off, but I know it'll lift this man up and pull him back up. All right. Yeah, I was so, was the nurse? Do you eat the

have your own nurse it's just the one nurse okay it's just the one just the one just nurse don't even have a name you have to share a nurse I've watched enough Markiplier videos though it's just nurse yep you're right all right rolling oh close 14 plus 2 16 not quite nurse rushes over with the suction device tries to suck it back up it's just not enough he slips out of the machine and goes plummeting to his death oh suction's crucial though we'll get him with it yes of course course I assess the situation I go over approach go down on the knee, jamma.

Again, I set the scope out, listen to the lungs, lungs are fine. I go, nurse, suction! The nurse comes over and the suction doesn't do anything. And then I remember, what's the second step we always take? I go, radiology x-rays! A guy comes rushing in from the side and with a mobile x-rays like, and takes a full body x-ray so we can really see what's going on in there. Alright, I like how this is like a, you know, a 2D side-by-side fighting game,

and you just tag out. Radiation team comes in. Boe. All right. So we got three points for that. Let's see how that does. Oh! Nat.

20! There is clearly a superior doctor on staff today. Why did I think about the x-ray? Jamba. You see clear as day that his bones are cracked in such a way that if you said, if you simply tip him, they will burst through his cutoff feet and plant it like a scaffold against the wall so that he can maintain stability long enough for you to both treat his injuries and get him safely up over the ledge.

Which I'm assuming you ask an assistant to do to pull him up because... Well, that's the other reason I got radiology, more hands, you know? And I just step back and I let them do it because I'm the surgeon here. And if you radiate enough, they'll have even more hand. I have to start writing JAMA immediately. Well, Dr. Barnes, why don't you go finish your little jaunt back down the mountain? You gotta get this article written. I will, and as I do, I flail my arms like this to show my displeasure.

I just want you all to know that. Okay. Do you do the Kermit yell as you run away? I'm going back to Wii again. No, that's not the... He goes, ah! Oh! I'm leaving.

It's me, Kermit, I'm leaving. You both get in your Uber. But unfortunately, you both think it's the same Uber. So you both hop in and you find yourself seated next to your despised arch rival doctor. One of you clearly superior. We're not going to say who. Hard to tell. You're driving along and your Uber driver takes off, starts to grow across, you know, the Golden Gate Bridge.

And he looks back at you both and goes like, hey, you know, it's a cast on his hand. you can sense he's driving. He has like pedal shifters up near the steering wheel because he has no feet. He goes like, Doc, Doc, it's me. Yeah, you saved me yesterday. Twice.

He tries to go twice and hold up two fingers, but he only has one. He's like, twice. Twice yesterday. And meanwhile, while he's turned back of you, he's drifting the wheel a bit too far to the right. Bang right through the guardrail. And down into the rip...

Into the splash, right? He's knocked unconscious. You are both so fine. Backseat of that car was really secure. Seatbelts on your medical protection obviously kept you safe. You're totally unharmed and you know you could get out easily, but the patient. Your patient is unconscious. He's already floating. He's not in water yet, but he's kind of like this, just a little bit like that. And he obviously couldn't swim to the surface, no feet, one finger. You need to save him. He might, be injured, he might be dead, his neck might be broken, he wasn't wearing a seat belt, he kind of flopped all over the place Bang boom, but then landed right back in his seat. Dr. Barnes, you're not gonna let this chance go to waste You gotta save your patient. You're under water the car's flooding. What do you do? I pull out my waterproof paper and I write Dear Jamma. Thank God I was prepared for this situation I pocket it I pull out my cassette tape of classical music put it in so I can listen to something peaceful while I go to work

and I'm never gonna believe this I check the lungs. You check the lungs. Got to follow standard procedure. You can't not follow standard procedure. Can't deviate. Ooh, so close. That's right.

20. It was an 18. Plus one is 19. So close. He is dead. But at least I get to listen to some violins. Yeah, car floods. He's dead.

Regic. Dinner, Dr. Meiske. Can't save them all I guess we could have you just wanted to give up but Dr. Bicissus, would you give up? Oh, we have a reservation, so I don't want to, you know.

What do you think we were driving to? I'm not really on call tonight. I sort of shouldn't do it. Who's on call? Shouldn't they page someone else? I get out my waterproof paper and just scribble. It's not even language.

I'll send that later. And then I. put that away and I get out my cassette tape of classical music and put that in the car, which we're assuming as a cassette player in it. Yeah, yeah, sure, yeah. Sure, okay. It starts playing. All good Uber's do.

Check the lungs just to see. Sounds fine. Not the problem. I reach for my buzzsaw, but I noticed someone's already taken that step. And then I decide that it's probably neurological. So I grab his patient's head and pull his eyes open. And I say, follow my nose! Follow my nose! And I start going like this.

And his eyes, he doesn't lock on at all. He can't track a target. And I know, this neurological. That's him. That's the move. Watch a D-Twit. I can smell it. I can feel it. I know. I feel it too. I don't want it. Ooh, not quite. That was a four. Oh, so close.

Yeah, his eyes, you forced open, kind of do one of these where they in just like go white like and then he's dead. That's probably fine. I remember to go to dinner after this. Dr. Barnes. Dear Jamma on my waterproof paper. I can't believe this happened to me. I'll write it later. Pocket it. Passet tape in. Classical music. Check the lungs. Looks good. Maybe it's neurological. I lift the eyelids. Follow my nose. Oh wow. He's following. Must not be that. You know what? Could be the prostate. I bend him over. Grab my bucket of pocket lubin.

Whoa, whoa! Clearly that's the problem. That was really up in there. Don't question this medical professional. He knows what he's doing. You never know how deep the prostate might be. Sometimes it hides. That thing's unruly in there, especially after a car crash.

Could be going all over the place. Anyway, rolling. Ooh. Oh, Nat one. Oof. Shit, no pun intended. That prostate was so unruly, it pulls you in with it. Better.

Always the optimist, Wade. I appreciate that about you. Thanks. Dr. Meisgans. Waterproof paper. Jamma, mamma, jamma. Put that away. Cassette tape of classical music.

Click. Jamming out. Check the lungs. Sounds fine. Maybe it's neurological. Follow my nose. Follow my nose. All right.

He's fine. It's not neurological. Maybe it says prostate. big 10 gallon thing of lube like a ventrilocious dummy all the way in there hey don't get that dinner reservation don't worry I'll get this wrapped up real quick and then we can

get right out there to dinner and then I turn the patient's head and I say dinner I hardly know him and then I take my arm out of his butt and I'm like ah this prostate's fine man it's some medical stuff you can do you know um what could you possibly do What could you possibly? Next.

Oh, the water, the car is starting to fill with water. And I think, oh, he's recently had several accidents. He lost his feet. And I say, nurse, it must for him. Because we're starting to drown. We really got to get out of here. We got that dinner reservation. We're sinking into the bay.

I forgot about pocket nurse. Damn it. All right, nurse. Nurse comes in. Does nurse things. Let's see how that helps. Nat 20, baby. The doctor, my skin says, done it again.

Not a Nat 20. It was an 18, but still counts. What a hero. The nurse, I guess, actually, is the hero, but the doctor made the call to bring in the nurse, gets all the credit. Nurse goes, boon, unbuckles the seat belt,

opens the door, grabs a patient, and swims to the surface. The nurse, it can, ignores me and it's like, I'll save him and then actually saves him. Wade and I are just sitting in the back of the Uber like, Boobo-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-Hit-Wil-hit. Wade, Wade, gets out his waterproof paper.

You guys are going to love the next one. The dice, really, I just knowing me a favor today. Man, it's so good to be on this side of the dice roll bullshit for once. I swear it always happens to me, not for me. Oh, yeah. It is good for you, Bubba. I'm very proud of you. I mean, I'm just an excellent doctor, I guess. Maybe. We'll know if either of you is an excellent doctor at the end of this one. It's still up in the air.

I got three saves, man. I'm undefeated. Speaking of up in the air, you two are not up in the air at all. Actually, that's completely a lie. Our helicopter rescue from the water? You are at the bank depositing your business. Big bonus checks. One of them slightly bigger than the other, but they're both huge.

They're massive checks, right? And so you, the teller goes, next, you both go, oh, you here. Here's my check. They're a check kit. You mean the number is big? You don't mean a physically large check?

No, they're huge, actually. Okay, good, okay. And you can see the numbers. It's $30, but on the biggest check you'll ever see. So you can see which one has big. numbers than the other and you both are able to get that information plus everyone else there when suddenly behind you the door bursts open this is a robbery and you're like who could possibly be crying whoa you see your patient

there with a bomb strapped to his chest one finger on the trigger of a gun and he says oh the crowd are all oh I can't do this Help. Oh, doctors! Some maniacs trapped a bomb to my chest. And I had to hobble in here on my new wooden peg legs. And they just, oh man, can you help me? You look at the clock. It says 10 seconds or minutes. Not nine. It's seconds. Bob, what do you do? I don't have my notebook with me. So I get my phone out and start a voice memo. Dear Dama, I'll write this down and send it to you later. This is a voice memo.

Pardon any mistakes I might make in describing my actions. With plenty of time to spare, I draw my travel scalpel from my tool belt, and I aim for the red wire on the bomb, because it's always the red wire. And I go, And I cut the red wire and save everybody. Incredible. It's so close. It actually goes through the red wire, but it hits him right here. It was a 15 plus one.

Really good aim, but just a little off the mark. He dies, but the bomb doesn't go off. So, you know, that's pretty good. Yay. Yeah, that's pretty good. but he's still dead, so... Dr. Barnes. No paper on my phone.

Dear Jamma, watch this shit. I go up, grab my scalpel. Audio message. Cut the red wire. Watch this shit. Listeners, you better watch the shit. Doesn't explode. Patient looking a little concerning,

so I know what to do next. I check his lungs. So are we saying that the bomb is diffused now, so we're just going to continue on? We don't know, I don't think. It didn't explode when we cut the red wire. I'm still here. All right, let's say it doesn't cut the wire. It just killed him for some reason, never blow up for the last one, just to keep the bomb going,

because I can't have the bomb to serve this early. You're going to go check the lungs, right? Oh, yeah. Okay, that's definitely a definitely advantage. I go to cut the red wire. I cut him in just the way I can listen to the lungs. Oh my Lunges!

It was the lungs! The bomb was attached to the lungs! So you somehow threw your scalpel and that, I don't know. No, I wanted this one to go longer. That disarmed the bum. You checked his lungs.

That also disarmed the bomb. Jamma, watch this shit! When you listen to his lung, you noticed that there was some kind of strange lump in there, so you got ahead of a diagnosis that would have been lung cancer. down the road. And also, resonating in his chest was the exact voice imprint of the people that abducted him. So you were able to determine their identities from sound resonating in his

chest alone. And man, hero beyond hero. He's a great doctor, but like, I'm making the front page. Yeah, that, that is stunning. And everyone in the bank is like, oh, Dr. Barnes, Dr. Barnes. Finally, recognition. Woo! Boarns! The JAMA article is just, Dear JAMA, watch this shit and then a huge parenthetical that's like rustling noise, clicking a phone being set down. Sounds like a scalpel gets drawn. Running away. Footsteps running away. Then sudden distant cheering.

A voice in the distance says, now take a deep breath. Underneath, I'll have a little as though it says arrow up, recommended operating. standard operating procedure. I'm changing the game now. And that is published. We have to diffuse before we check the lungs. All right. I'm going to call it there.

I don't think I couldn't come up with any more scenarios than that. So I think that'll have to be. You got 20s early. Yeah, that was a lot of 20s. We didn't have any like 90 step ones today. I know. The stupid big one went on forever. That big one just kept going, man.

And the baseball one for that. asteroid. That also used to be a huge one. Yeah. More beans. I forgot about them. All right. So congratulations. Doctors, you did great. One of you did marginally better than the other. I won't say which. I'll just count the points. The real winner today is JAMA. So Wade, uh, you will start with you. You got a point for your real shirt. It's very nice. Uh, you got a level up with your snowblower. You did get a segue point from Bob. What? Nothing. Nothing happened. Don't worry about it. To your JAMA. Uh, camo mule. Cammole. Camel. Oh, yeah. Cammole. Oh, yeah. Cammer. Because he was trying around him with Alabama and Mamma Jama and Grandma. Oh, right. Camel. And then you won the bank,

you saved the bank robbery. Woohoo. That's six points. Incredible. Bob, you kept the bit. Robert Screw screw, sausage gravy, the actual segue point. They both count. You got the operation. Dinner, I hardly know him. Among other things that made me laugh.

That was really funny. You got the climbing point and the drowning, which leaves you with eight total points to Wade's six. So going into fun around, Wade, you have six points. Wade, you have six points. Bob, you have eight. A big advantage. Huge advantage. And just right on time. Any second now, it's going to, yep, here it comes. There it is. The magical wheel. How many should we spin? Wheel. Eight. That'd be a hell of a spin. Oh, guess what? It's three again. Always three. Only three. I want to add to the wheel.

who remembers the first step the first person that says check the lungs and so we have to remember what the first step is of standard operating procedure I'm gonna forget that tomorrow much less like three months from now when it comes up there that's very long we're gonna have so many medical people in the comments

that are so upset they're not no they you guys were textbook that's true I mean you practically wrote the textbook but we wrote the textbook yeah yeah you wrote the textbook so it's all good We'll definitely remember that when it comes up. Spin number one. Half point for Mark.

Okay. You're on the board. That's what I'm talking about. Dude, if we get surprised golf rules and Mark wins. All right. Me, half a point. All right. Spin number two.

Not golf rules. Not golf rules. Most accents use. Does any of us use an accent? I mean, maybe me in describing the patient, but he didn't really have an accent. I grumbled a lot sometimes. That's not really an accent. I think this is a rare one where not many accents occurred here. So we could. Yeah, I think maybe just re-spin. Yeah, I'll just read you that one. Oh, lie points, absolute value. We didn't have any lie points this time,

did we? No lie points, yeah. We really need to incorporate more lie points. We do. I need to lie more. I lie all the time, just so we get points for it. Best mental limit. Oh, such good mental images. There are some winners. There were really good ones. I liked Bob throwing the paper away. Ventrilochus dummy dinner, I hardly know her. Ventriloquist is pretty good.

Oh, man. How do I even decide this? What about the x-ray on the side of the mountain? If I had to be technical about this, Bob, I can't give the point to you because you can't conjure a mental image. So I'm going to give it to Wade. Because I know you were describing a lot of things, but I know. I know it was a blank slate up there.

Wade, you're going to get that point. That's so mean. That's like, hey, Bob, if you picture the point, I'll give it to you. You've got a picture. You've got to want it. If you've seen the TikTok of rage baiting my fat dog with a treat, no. It's very funny, very funny.

Because everything's like a treat and he goes like this. Every time he goes forward. He's like, uh, oh. For like five minutes straight. And as soon as he opens his hand, just stops. It's very funny. It reminds me the family guy a bit where Mr.

Peter Schmitt's driving by the orphanage. He's got like a puppy and a bunch of toys in the back seat. He's like, you gotta really want it. He keeps driving the ways the kid tries to get in. Almost out at it that time. All right. So with that, we're done. Bob with eight points to wade seven to my half. Bob, congratulations for winning this episode. Doctor My Skins. That's the first time our point total has ever matched our heights. It's not too late to deduct one. It doesn't affect me anymore. All right. Back down to six. Alright, okay. I'm giving you a mean. Wait, I was lying. Give it back. Nah, too late.

So you get for being nice to win. I'd never make short jokes. As I say, you did it like 30 times, but I guess that's whenever you were host, you were allowed to. What? No, wait, let's win. That was the last episode. I know I can. All right, Bob, congratulations. But I'm going to let Wade do his loser's speech first. I'm in a familiar spot back at the bottom.

That's okay, because I know that JAMA appreciates our hard work. The lungs were good. We did our jobs. What does the other A stand for? Journal of American Medicine. Medical Association. Oh. I had to look up respected medical journals.

What my favorite one was. And as soon as I saw Jam, I was like, that's a fun one. Sorry, wait on your loss. Bob, congratulations. Your winner's speech, please. That's going smoothly. There we go. Dear Jam,

another successful day as a doctor. You're welcome. I'm part of the shitty profession. You write so fast. You have no idea. You think I save lives quickly. I don't know why I'm tilting my head like this either. Listen, sometimes the dice are in your favor and or you're just a superior medical doctor.

And one of those things is definitely true about me today. We will never say which ones wish. Thank you, everybody so much for listening and or watching. I hope your theaters of your minds were working overtime today. and if you could save them better, no you couldn't. You're not a doctor like these two definitely are. I am not a doctor either, so I am not legally liable for being sued for any reason of impersonating one. Thank you. Have a good day.

There's merch on the site, distractible. Shop. And if you find it, fashion bowl, you can buy that. Iron Lung in theaters already. It's already happened. You already know that it was a big scam. Just my let's play up there for running twice, actually, because I had to fill the time. But thank you so much for giving me all of your money and ticket sales, and I will never regret it as long as I live. I will run away into the woods now and never be seen again.

This is Ben Bob and Wade. You can find them at MySkrim, Lord Minion 777, or Minion 777. I'm Markerblier. Have a lovely day. Podcast out. Watch new episodes on Spotify.