Distractible - You’ll Never Believe What Happened

Episode Date: February 23, 2024

Mark, Bob, and Wade meet Jesus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It's not cup food, it's good food in a cup. Visit Knorr.com to learn more. good food in a cup. Visit Knorr.com to learn more. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, our first guest star, German Jesus. The

weighty weightitator checks Jesus' RTA rap sheet, then ruthlessly interrogates him. Beeping Bob flashes in his boosted ride and bonds with Jesus over automobile damage. Muffled Mark Fischbach lurks in the eaves and nearly kills Jesus

from an altar. From phallus motoring to Lenzer insurrection. Yes! It's time for You'll Never Believe What Happened. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractible.

I'm today's host as the ultimate tribal council member, Wade, joined by my tribal council lessors. Hello, Mark. Hello, Bob. I feel like that's not what we decided and voted on, but you are the host, so. I put in my notes, Wade wins. Yeah, we forgot to lay down any laws

about host power restrictions. That's true. We did talk about doing that. Oh, no. I hereby declare that my power shall be forever unrestricted. What was the qualifications for a new tribunal? I thinked what was the uh qualifications for a new tribunal i think a two-thirds vote could institute a new tribunal at any moment you could think that

however i do think that because i think that's what is real i think therefore it is however today this is not a tribunal this is a dictatorship and i am the leader i am on my golden stallion of victors and then my stallion says, Nay, good sirs, I rule this episode. We haven't disagreed. Yeah, you keep arguing the same point. All right, you guys are quabbling quite enough to start this episode. That's plenty of that.

I'm on top, just like when you ride a horse, you should be on top, because if you're underneath and the horse is riding you, it probably won't work. I bet you could ride a horse underneath if you got the right kind of saddle yeah just flip it upside down top saddle side saddle and horsey bjorn uh the the wade tater ship will take this under advisement you know what i'm going to assign points for those ideas in your notebook you got a notebook you got a physical notebook you're writing those points in i got a physical notebook and a pen me too i don't have to give it you know what i could give points today who cares yeah sure you guys can get points and they won't mean anything but you know i don't know if mine do either but we assign them it might

mean something once one of us hosts you never know you know you might want to stay on our good sides wade we're gonna write them down my god i'm not gonna make them last this page gets recycled as soon as this episode ends you're gonna destroy the evidence but then we will have no record keeping i'm keeping i'm keeping a permanent indelible record unless i run out of pages and this page gets recycled as soon as this episode ends. You're going to destroy the evidence? But then we will have no record keeping. I'm keeping a permanent, indelible record. Unless I run out of pages, then it'll be... I don't want to have to scroll through... Look, I go for maximum laziness.

Having to move through different sheets to find the newest sheet right on. No thanks. That sounds awful. Speaking of sounding awful, how's things in your guys' lives? Good. Our lives sound awful? That's where we are? You can read into it however you'd like but uh mark thank you for saying good that's the response you're supposed to give when someone pretends to care you get a point for that thank you thank you i get a point

why is there a designated response to that why can't i know you're not actually interested in what is going on in my life but what if i just kept it as simple but i gave you i just said bad but didn't burden you with any of the information then i would be like oh content bob what's going on because we know when things are bad in your life we get the greatest episode of all time it's not actually bad but i am physically uh not well not like in a sick way in like a i'm old and i have a baby way i don't know i just hurt today oh car news everyone oh i put a cob access port on my car which is the thing that it allows you to flash a new tune onto the ecu uh which is the engine control unit which is the little computer that tells it how much fuel and things to put into so i put a new tune on it and

instead of peaking at 13.2 psi my boost now peaks at about 16.5 psi uh and based on dyno testing and information for other people who've done the same thing that i did uh my car should have something like 40 more horsepower than it did before i plugged this little computer in and did some wizardry so it was very exciting it feels dangerous i'm gonna give you 30 points but subtract 28 because when you said a cob port i really thought you got to shove corn into your car and i'm disappointed that that's not it but it was still very interesting listening to you talk so annette too i thought it was a knob port so you could steer your car with your dick and when you said tunes i was like oh my god now it plays music when you pump it with gas so everything i thought was going on so far i thought you shoved in corn it would play shakira

i equally had different thoughts than what you intended but but just not the same as Wade's. You know what, Mark? You get a point for your honesty. It does play. It does play music. Does that count as something that you like that we're looking forward to? Sure. I just like marking things on this, though. Yeah, it's fun, isn't it? Anyway, that's our news. And it's almost warm enough that I can put my summer tires on. So I'll have more horsepower and grippy tires. It has been really nicely warm in Cincinnati the last few days, especially compared to like the last two or three weeks where it was all rain, snow and miserable cold. Now it's like been a nice break. James went to the park the other day.

It was very cute. He had shoes on. He doesn't usually wear shoes, but he had shoes. Very cute. How have neither of you commented on my background? I don't know that we've seen you in the same place twice in the last six months but i mean i legitimately picked the most horrifying destitute like it's i'm in the roof i was in a much scarier basement uh previously so i already won that

competition i'm in the roof though it's called an attic mark it's not It's called an attic, Mark. It's not. It's called an attic. I am in the roof. Are you above the finished part of the house, but beneath the roof? No, I'm not above the finished part of the house. I'm to the side of it in the roof. What's under you? The first floor. So you are above the finished part of the house.

I don't understand. The finished part of the house is right there. I'm pointing at it. What is five feet beneath your anus right now? The kitchen. Wade, I feel like I'm talking to you. Hold on. Okay. There's gotta be a minus in there somewhere. Is it an unfinished outdoor kitchen? Is that what's happening here? No, no. There's a, the kitchen on the first floor is right below me. Which is a part of the finished living space of the first floor. So you're above the finished part of the house. Yeah, but there's more finished part of the house literally next to me.

Wait, am I insane or is he just lying to me? I'm confused. So here's what he's saying. He has finished to his right and finished underneath. It's not only finished below. Therefore, it can't be an attic. He's finished adjacent. I think it's not only finished below therefore it can't be an attic he's finished adjacent it's i think it's still an attic i think technically it is too but i'm willing to listen to arguments as to why it's not all right you may you know what mark i'll concede you may be in the eaves

the eaves yes i'm in is that better is that more to your liking you're the eaves i am in the eaves watch out for snakes and apples is it part of the air duct what am i seeing that's kind of like glistening in the background? There's something kind of shiny on the... Oh, yeah. Okay. It's like... I said look out for snakes.

And then I realized there was a coily looking shimmer behind you. You should have just put like a scary mask on a mop handle. Leaned against the wall back there just to see if it was visible. I will. I will. I will do that. I got this big lamp that looks like an eyeball. That's kind of cool.

If you're in wherever you are, why is this the location you chose and how did you even find this spot did you actually rent a place to stay or did you break into someone's house and you're just living in like a cross look i'm i can only be so incriminating in one episode and i already have a story to tell about how i almost killed someone. I'm going to abstain from that until, you know, my wanted stars cools down a little bit. Three points for boldness. Hey, wanting to kill someone's, or almost killing someone's barely even illegal. So you're fine. Yeah, it was purely circumstantial, but I do have a story to tell.

So I want everyone to understand that it is absolutely true that calamitous things occurred to another human being as, as like, and I am, my actions got them into this circumstance. I see why you're hiding in a dark attic and don't want to be incriminating on yourself. What have you done? Well, the reason I'm prefacing this, because this story starts with lenses. And I know as soon as I say that people are going to start tuning out, but trust me, this story ends or begins with lenses. People are going to start tuning out, but trust you, it's about lenses.

Well, number one, they got to go to Spotify to see where I'm at. And it has nothing to do with the story that I'm about to tell. Everything is separate. Allegedly. This location just happens to be, it's not a convenient place to record but i found it interesting i mean it is interesting i assume that you just like walked through a door and there was just an area like that how inconvenient was it to get there oh there's a door yeah there's a door right there i have to be clear i deducted points for bringing up lenses just so i did deduct

points from bob for being like it's like talking to wade but you did lose some points for not mentioning lenses just being clear did you deduct points for talking about that baby again? Well, I think you just brought up the baby. If I deduct points for about a baby, I gotta do it from both of you because now you've both brought it up. All right. So lenses, right? You guys know how in a previous episode, I put out a distress call, a bat signal, if you will, a lens signal using my giant lens beacon on a rooftop. Didn't you already solve that? Didn't you get one right away or something? Yeah, yeah, exactly.

But I wanted another. I want as many as I can get my hands on. So if anybody else knows of any locations of them. Typical trillionaire greed. Yeah, you know what? It's okay. I admit that. I want them.

It is greedy, but I have a plan for them that I will not reveal until the plan is complete. You know what? Points for boldness. So essentially, I put out a call and people on the subreddit made posts that were like, hey, I know of one. Hey, here's a listing. Apparently, eBay has separate websites for different international markets of them. If you didn't know that, it's true.

So certain listings will only show up if you go to that specific website. I have experienced that. Yeah. Yeah. One in particular is German. The German website is ebay.de for Deutschland. You can search these different ones and you can find different items. Most of them actually do appear on the different ones, but some are only localized to a specific place. But you can still buy from them and you can still get them. So there was one listed there. Got that. That's great. Then there's other websites that are only local to different countries. So there was one also in Germany, but not on eBay. So I got in contact with this person who reached out to me and said that they found this one and it was six hours away, they said. Oh, damn. And so this person,

you know, I went out on a limb and, you know, I thought that they were reliable. And so the only way that I could get it is if I forwarded this person the funds and I asked if they were willing to drive six hours to go get this lens. And they were. And that's really kind of incredible because there's a lot of trust flying around, right? There's trust that I'm going to give this person this money that I've never met uh to go get this and i'm i mean we did some verification steps of course here's lots of money go run away and i trust that you'll come back i do that with random strangers on the internet all the time yeah and it worked except for the point where they almost died uh so i you know i i'm going out on a limb but you know hey i'm a trusting guy but you seem reliable and it seemed like something that like it you know every no red flags right so i send this guy the money

and i'm like hey listen if you get it back to me i'll pay you a finder's fee as well and i'll pay for shipping we'll talk it out it'll be great and so i'm very grateful because they were like yeah let me talk it over with my boss let me see what i can make this trip uh and it just so happened to turn out that last night after i had gone to bed, because Germany is like, it's an eight hour time difference or something like that. After I'd gone to bed, they said I got up early. My boss said I could take off time and I got in contact with the person that owns the lens and they said I could come get it. So that was all good. I was like, yeah, or I didn't see this at all, but I assumed it was all good. I woke up the next morning, which was this morning, which by the time people are hearing,

this is a little bit after the fact, but it was this morning. And I saw a slew of messages that started with one in particular that I have to, I have to pull up one second. You know what? You Bonus point for dramatic pause. Okay, I have the messages. So I said, excellent. This is my message. Last message to him at 6.20 p.m. Put big ominous text. So the last message I sent to him was at 6.20 p.m. I said, excellent.

Sent over the funds. Appreciate you going out of your way for this. At 6.22 p.m. This guy, I don't know what his real name is. I do. Give him a code name. Okay. His name is Jesus. Okay. You know, one died for our sins, one got Mark a lens, but you know, they're equal in the eyes of Mark. Here, we're going to dramatize the timeline to make this more interesting,

because I forgot, I didn't see that message and this is a day later that the next message comes in because it's 10.03pm. Uh-huh, yeah. 10.03pm. This is after I went to bed, right? Reporting back in for duty to keep you updated. It is currently 5am Tuesday morning. I'm starting the trip now. Reporting

back in about 6-7 hours when I arrive. That's 10.03pm. That's early. Pretty early.m that's early pretty early but it's a six hour drive they got a long way to go 12 49 a.m jesus says i've done fucked up please reach out to me when you find the time oh no i've done fucked up please no information just please reach out to me when you can that's not what what you want to see. What time was this? 1040? This is 1249 AM, my time.

1249, Jesus fucked up. This would be about, you know, like 8 AM his time. Yeah, early morning, almost mid morning. There's more to this message. So it starts, I've done fucked up. Please reach out to me when you find the time. But don't be concerned. Still on the way to pick up the lens.

Whoa, no, wait, that's that's a lot of back and forth. So so far, you've given money for the lens. They've taken time off of work, got approved. They're driving to get the lens. And something in this time frame of leaving to get the lens and having received the money is I done fucked up, but still on course. OK, got it. Still be driving for a while you might reach me better on my mobile if you don't that's totally understandable is that number provided yeah the number was provided i just didn't don't share it

i wasn't gonna okay mark i don't know if you know how the internet works but don't read that out loud if you guys ever believed in elitism mark is so famous he has jesus's cell phone number i really do and what's strange is that it's a lot more numbers than i would think a number would have how many numbers dude european phone numbers are crazy they're like 12 15 numbers long 13 numbers long i'm like that's too many numbers bob i'm giving you three points for not being famous enough to have jesus's phone number me. All right. I get another message. 534 AM, which is about four hours later. Four and a half.

God damn it. I can't even send videos here. I've got the lens, tested it, and secured it. Tested it? I've sent mentioned video to you via email. It's just under a minute long, but it's easier to explain speaking it out than writing it. Sorry for bombarding you for all these messages. Did they have their own camera with which they could test this weird old lens?

I have no idea. You don't need a camera. You just need salt, a tongue, and a bottle of liquor. I mean, we all know the steps to use those, but I feel like everyone out there could use a refresher on salt and tongue. Is it, wait, is it lens salt tequila or is it tequila salt lens the order might surprise you it's actually salt tongue lens tequila ah right what are you doing with the tongue i thought the tongue was doing all the things the tongue is only in part of it where does the salt go

we can only go so lewd on this podcast all right right. I can share screen. Please let me know if we can talk somehow. If you can make your time's worth somehow. I don't know. Yeah. It would be probably way more easier to explain what happened. So let me know if there's a chance. If not, then that's fine. Until then. Super ominous, rightous right yeah there was no info that was just like he was clearly very upset and or depressed

about whatever had happened is he has he almost died yet in this video or oh yeah he's indiana jones and this lens is cursed there's some kind of curse placed upon the lens and when he touched it it's like a monkey's paw and his life started falling apart around him. I'm kidding. I think so. So this is post crazy event occurring. Obviously, I get these messages

and I wake up in the morning. So by the time that I see it, I have a timestamp of my response for the timeline because some people really care about the timeline. So at 8.26, my time, AM, I see these. You know, I say, oh shit, didn't see this. And so I reach out to him on Discord, and I'm like, that's probably the best way

to get an international call. I say, thanks for making the journey. Sorry for whatever happened. I'm happy to hear about it. Or not happy, depending on what occurred. Sad question mark? Either way, let me know. Ever supportive.

Love it. Good tone. So I get on the phone, and I'm like hey He doesn't seem maimed in the video But I don't know if he maybe he had hair before the event and it just like how do you think we bald? I don't know there's emergency balding. It's like a lizard's tail when you got to escape real fast It just I did used to keep a glass thing on the wall in case of emergency. You break the glass to bald. I don't have that anymore, but you are right.

You know what? Points for remembering that. So I get on a call with him and I ask him like, yeah, what happened? Also, is the lens okay? And he's like, no worry. The first and only question, where's the lens? It's the cellar. The cellar was like a witch and he had to give something away that was dear to him in

order to make the transaction. So what happened was he was about an hour and a half into the drive and he was listening to Distractible. He was listening to Riddles and Rhymes, if that helps give any context. That's the most dangerous episode. And he got into a car accident. Well, at least we know he's okay. I almost just asked if he was okay, but I guess we got that information already.

He is 100% fine. I do have pictures of the event as it unfolded. I have pictures of his vehicle that I will share with you. As it unfolded, not only was he listening to the podcast, he's also taking photos of the accident while it happened. Oh no! Gotta snap a series of images. Uh, so he was run off the road by someone that ran a red light, I think.

Oh, look, and he forgot his coffee on the top of his car. I'm sorry, Jesus. I gotta take off some points for irresponsibility here he done fucked up but i don't think this is his fault but i'll let jesus explain it in his own words because i have jesus waiting he's always listening but i've got jesus and if you guys are okay with it i'm gonna i'm gonna bring him on board to tell this story is he hiding in the attic with you that's why you guys are hiding he had to flee the country and he's in a random attic and i don't know where you're at missouri missouri yeah no that's probably the place missouri jesus has been in missouri this whole time everyone we've all been wondering i

think that's what the mormons were trying to say isn't that the whole i'm pretty sure that's the story of mormonism jesus in missouri that's it you know i think i think while we're waiting we could take some time to say, don't actually listen or watch the podcast while you're driving. Probably focus on the road. We here at Distractible will not be held responsible for your bad life decision. This is meant to be watched when you're laying in bed, sitting on the couch, at your computer, on break at work and need to pass the time.

Somewhere responsible. Always listen and watch responsibly. That sounds like i'm saying this is a joke but i'm not you can listen to the podcast and drive yeah i don't feel like i i don't think that's our fault i feel like that's everyone else's fault if that's a problem we are way too funny for you to listen to while you drive hello welcome hi uh just so you know you are known here as jesus and we will be continuing that that is your name all right i when i first started telling the story i forgot what your real name was but i

knew it started with a j so i said jesus okay so uh welcome aboard you are the first not the first actually we've had other confirmed cases of people getting into accidents while listening to the podcast like i told you i i'm not so up to date with the with the subreddit so i i wasn't sure about that that's for the best uh though i will say the subreddit are my people and i highly recommend you get involved with them all right so uh can you walk us through uh what occurred on the morning of the this morning Now what is it? What is it? It's 146. So I'm up for about 21 hours now. So I got up at no 22. I got up at four to get ready to start my journey, got on the road and drove for I think it was one and a half hours was chatting with my girlfriend, she was getting ready. And as

soon as we hung up the phone, I had distractractible already in the queue, so it would start to play automatically. And I had a whole lot of episodes in the queue that I randomly chose. And the first one was Rhymes and Riddles. And yeah, I started to listen to that. And yeah, at the exact moment that ChatGPT started to fuck up, I got into a construction site and it was super tight. And I was I was focused on the on the street, but I didn't see a car to my left come up. And then suddenly out of my out of this peripheral vision, Out of my peripheral vision, I saw someone coming really close and that spooked me so much that I flinched and just hit right into the guarding rails. And this drive, can we clarify, what were you driving for?

I want to test the veracity of one of our co-hosts here. I was driving for this. He has it. Oh, he's holding holding it don't hold it like that it's oh wave it around oh yeah oh is the back cover on yeah of course it is have you tried juggling it yet no but i've but i've but i've washed it thoroughly you've washed it thoroughly oh good salt water right salt water i've heard you had to put it in the sink yeah dish soap uh works really well on lenses yeah that's that's what i heard yeah so i'm gonna fact check you here real quick you were drawn you abandoned work to go get a lens not even

for yourself but for an addict uh you're a menace to society, uh, driving, hitting the rails, swerving around on the road. You have terrible sleeping habits. Don't you despair is Jesus here. You, he's a hero. Uh, am I getting these facts? Correct. Um, apparently so.

If you want to quote it like that. Yeah. 10 points to you, Jesus. What is your real name? For English speakers, it's, uh, complicated. It's Yasha. The J in German makes a a basically a y sound so uh how you estimated what was the estimated damages it's it's just i i could be talking out of my ass but

um i've we've had a similar occurrence in the family before where just the two doors were scratched and that was about four and a half to five thousand so you have family history of running through guardrails my mom was attacked by a street lamp that that's the official story okay all right so do you regret it kind of because i well and on the other side kind of kind of not because i wouldn't be in this situation but yeah i would have uh i would have a car to use well you drove you drove it 10 more hours so it still works presumably as someone who's been hit by a semi which is truly a menacing thing on the road and lost their car i too had to drive for about another 10 seconds after impact and driving a wrecked car is terrible indeed you know what points for points for that he's getting a lot of points yeah he is getting a lot i'm concerned i think we should get rid of

him i was i was hoping bringing you on would like you know kind of be like it's okay you know i don't because the lens was worth it right you ruined his car mark mark points for ruining someone's life did i did i ruin your life bob more points for not we we just we didn't get into the estimated part uh like i said we had a similar thing but since i damaged the front bumper and the back bumper too plus my side mirror is gone um i guess uh seven and a half and upwards yeah well it's unfortunate that it's the whole if it's the whole side because it's like front bumper front quarter panel door panel the b pillar panel between the doors the other door panel there's there's like a dozen different panels slid pieces that may be bent

slash destroyed beyond yeah that's really that's really unfortunate do you think next time you would strap the lens to the outside of the car? So that way, if you got into an accident, at least the lens would take the hit. The lens would go first. Judging by the weight of that, it could work. Oh yeah. Heft it around. Yeah.

Hey, you know, you have something that Mark really values there. If you do think that he's taken something from you or caused you enough hardship, I feel like there's a really obvious way you could get back at him. No, don't. Right now, on this show, you have the video in front of you. But I could not do that since I've prepared a little. Since I am a lens guy myself, I just can't. Oh, God.

Okay, I got to deduct a couple points for also collecting lenses. Yeah, so that makes sense why you agreed to do this. You share the same insanity that Mark has. Insanity? Sorry, poor regulation. What do you want to call it, Mark? Addiction? You don't understand.

That lens is extremely rare. So the reason that I trusted him was because he found the first one that I got on German eBay. And so I was like, you know what? This guy seems trustworthy. And I sent him to his doom. Mark was actually driving the other vehicle that forced you off the road. I see.

It beat you home, crawled into your attic. It's just making sure you did it right. I want all of our religious viewers to know that I marked a note here. Mark wrecked Jesus. So if you're upset, blame Mark. We did say that if you, if you, if they're, okay, you don't have to say where you are specifically. I already know.

But what city are you in? It is, I would say close to Munich. That sounds very German. Well, in German, you would say München. That sounds more German. Points for German. Oh, wait. Are there points for German?

Yeah. You got something? Ich spreche Deutsch. Nur ein bisschen. You sprink points for German? Yeah, you got something? Ich spreche Deutsch. Nur ein bisschen. You sprinkled some German on a biscuit. Nein. Ich spreche Deutsch. Ich kenne München.

That was good. I listened to an episode today where you were talking about the school. Points for German biscuit. Ich liebe Deutschland. Ja. My last name is Fischbach. That's pretty German, but I don't know if that's points German. Hola. All right. Ja. My last name is Fischbach. That's pretty German, but I don't know if that's points German. Hola.

All right. Anyway. So if there's any car repair shops in Munich that want to become the official distractible car accident listening repair shop for all of those who have crashed their car and can prove that they listened to distractible you know they can get a discount you really don't benefit from this as much because you get a lot of business if you become the place for it i feel like we're taking some blame we shouldn't take and taking some sponsors we can't promise anything and also giving them nothing in

return this feels like a bad thing all around no promised nothing. We just want them to give us stuff. Yeah, but we'll tell people that if they crash their car near Munich again, whether or not it's a journey for lenses, that they'll do it, and we'll tell them to go there. Or, you can always, in order to get Bob and I out of this entirely, you can go over to Markiplier

and be part of his car crash lens phenomenon over there. I do wonder if I'm in some way responsible in international court for something here, in any of the words that I've said today. I mean, other than the fake identity, family history of street lamp attacks, and guardrail attacks, quite bad sleeping habits, all the things I listed before, I do have the note that Mark wrecked Jesus, so I think that does make it your fault. Well, I will gladly pay for the repairs because you were going on my behalf to get a lens.

That's why I want the repair shop to get a cut a deal. Go to the most expensive. Do you know any mechanics that hate you? You have any enemies that happen to also work on whatever brand car you have? Not bad. I mean, I have a car shop right across where I work. I know that they are not super cheap, but that would be. That sounds like a good place to start.

Yeah. No, you'd say your convenience is the paramount importance for this interaction. Mark, I gave you negative 10 points for Jesus tragedy is how I wrote it. But you got plus eight for buying jesus yacht i think what you said that what you said i didn't say that i did not say that yasha uh thank you so much for going to get the lens it means a lot and i'm so sorry only one of us appreciates that literally only one of us cares about that. We are all collectively responsible for your pain and suffering. And Bob and Wade bear full responsibility for that.

I bear responsibility for the car. On top of that, you've made us waste another episode talking about lenses, which is honestly about the worst thing you could have done. Hey, listen, you're now we got two people here that really like lenses and appreciate them for their the art. It's a tool to create art and thanks for coming to talk to us and also i guess thanks for getting the lens maybe mark will let me use it someday mark i borrow that lens someday not at all who is your favorite host and why is

it me i'm not answering that ah come on oh that means it's me uh also you heard it here first everybody you only average one accident a day if you list a distractible while you drive which is not that many well thank you so much uh you get to sleep because it's late there uh and then just let me know what the estimate is and please go to a like a back alley shop that's like ill very cheap like what car do you have probably a cheap one right yeah sure what is it an audi oh those are cheap cheap german crap that's that's what i heard they don't have good engineering over there or anything yeah ah so one of a kind exclusive model released in the late 90s that you really can't find parts for very easily now. Are you talking a 99 Toyota Corolla?

I love, ah man, what a beautiful car. I'll buy you a new one. Mark, you're looking at millions in repairs. Okay, all right. Well, goodbye. You gotta go before this gets more expensive. But thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

And we're glad to tell your story. But in the future, find less ominous ways to leave messages at 1 a.m. because waking up to I done fucked up. I know. I'm sorry. Call me at your earliest. I like your style.

I think you did it the best way you could have. I was just so, so adrenaline rushed. I didn't know what to say. And I did well. Well, thank you very much. Goodbye, Jesus. See you hopefully in many many years. I hope it's a long time. I don't want to die. I'll make sure of that.

Well, farewell. Bye. Interesting. I really appreciate his style of information giving. Just the tiniest little morsel of barely even information whatsoever. Just enough to be like yeah you probably should call him well he's got to be careful based on his location it looks like

there might be three street lamps within listening distance so he can't say too much uh so for the moral of the story is it was so worth it to go get it if anything it makes the legend of these lenses even more incredible so people can appreciate it for what it is. And I think that I'm owed an apology. You know what? I do think a good story makes something that might otherwise be not the most exciting thing in the world more interesting. And that lens, it's not even done.

Now it has to travel across an ocean. I don't even probably probably to I don't even know goes all the way around the whole thing and then gets to your doorstep, presumably. So do it sorry it's still just a lens mark i'm trying but well as an addendum as a like a final piece for this small talk maybe big talk if you're really thinking about it is there's another person oh going to get another oh god mark mark what are you doing here? You're just sending out bad things into the universe every which away. Mark's got his own Amazon

force of not delivering packages but retrieving lenses out there. And here's the thing. This one's in Austria. So, see how that goes. But I just gotta say if anyone out there knows of another location of 135 tickets F2, I will will pay i will compensate you

for any pain and suffering that you just go have the most hapless adventure as long as you end up with one of these lenses it's an all expenses paid trip baby dear listeners dear viewers if you can't tell that this man has a problem from this episode don't listen to his words don't feed his addiction. He needs our help and support right now. If you know a facility where people can recover from lens addiction, I hadn't heard of it before, but clearly it's real. Please let us know because we need to send Mark there immediately because he hasn't learned and he's putting all of you in danger for his machinations.

You can only send me there if you can find me and I'm changing my locations faster than I'm going to be changing lenses. Yeah, he's clearly at a nondisclosed location right now. So that's tough. Where is Markiplier? If you guys know, let us know. We're the manhunt's beginning. So anyway, thus ends my small talk.

I have facilitated events in the round the world. I'm an international influencer. Well, Wade, what's your episode idea? Let's get into this. All right. Today's episode is over. Thank you guys so much for tuning in. I don't know. What do I do with like the extra 10 to 20 minutes we would have? I've got my pad is full. I can't fit anything else on here. What's the pad is full. That's it. It's over. Once the pad is full, it's over.

Should have got a bigger pad. I think I wasn't prepared to host our first interview. Victim of Mark's addiction guest. what's the interviewee victim of mark's addiction guest what's the word i used for this guest is definitely the correct word i feel like that's not a tough one i think you know it's more of like a testimony if you think about it what do they call that when someone goes up on the stand oh on the stand on the standard court would be witness testimony but that was really more of a deposition wasn't under oath though so it was sort of a impromptu informal deposition okay fair enough it was a more of a deposition. It wasn't under oath, though, so it was sort of an impromptu, informal deposition. Okay, fair enough.

It was a trick of a deposition where it's like, you don't, where you're telling lies, but you're like, oh, your friends already ratted you out, you know. Except I only incriminated myself. How many of these lenses do you want, Mark? How many is enough, Mark? How many are there? As someone who doesn't know and really doesn't care, I have no idea. Do you know?

I don't. Is there any way to tell how many there is? someone who doesn't know and really doesn't care, I have no idea. Do you know? I don't. Is there any way to tell how many there is? I really don't know. You'd have to go to the company and ask them how many they made. But honestly, it's not that many. I'm not saying like it's, you know, 10 lenses total. But at this point, after this many years, not that many have survived to get to this point. Now, they have made they maybe they made thousands.

I have no idea, but I don't think so, because they're really hard to find. Like ones and two were in Germany, ones in Austria. Are you going to open the Markiplier's Minolta Lens Museum? No, I have a plan. Honestly, at this point, I'm really curious to see what your plan is, because I there's a lot you're doing. You're going way out there on this one. You're reaching out. All right. Well, if you don't want to share any more info that's unfortunate let me look

at the points here bob you were at a disadvantage on this episode because well it was kind of dominated by mark and his lens talk the whole time however you accumulated exactly 20 points that sounds like less than i would have expected but i'm not questioning your handwriting i'm at a net negative five if it makes you feel any better. But Jesus got a lot of points. I don't even know if I'd be him. Now, I'm giving you the initial total. There's some other things here to go along with this. So you earned 20. Mark, I have you earning 5, 10, 15, 23. Jesus earned 5, 10, 15, 18. Mark, minus two points for talking about lenses and minus one for bringing up the baby. Bob, you lost two points for talking about lenses and minus one for bringing up the baby. Bob, you lost two points for talking to Wade comment.

Oh, yeah. Whenever you were like, it's like talking to Wade about the annex, the attic thing, whenever Mark was describing it. And you lost one point for baby because Mark wanted you both to lose points for baby. Jesus lost three points for something. 30 points for the combination of abandoning work for a lens, being a menace to society, bad sleeping habits, questionable podcast choice, having a fake identity and family history of street lamp attacks. Minus another three points for bringing up lenses and collecting lenses.

Plus 10 points for, I can't even read what it says, Wade something. Ultimately, Jesus's total was minus eight after deductions. Good God. Bob, your final was 17. Mark, you also lost another 10 for causing the Jesus tragedy. So your final total was 10 points, making Bob the winner. All right. I feel pretty good about that.

It's all written down. I just, you know, even though I nearly sent someone to their doom for glass, I feel like in the past, in the past, you know, on Distractible, it's been like, wow, man, this guy brings a crazy story to the table for a whole episode. Usually they would be the winner. You weren't. I think the problem is, Mark, you weren't upset enough. It was.

It was a crazy story, but you had just had to be catastrophically angry. And in Jesus's own words, he regrets doing this. That, yeah. Am I allowed to be honest? Yes, I kind of regret it. At least I would still have my car. It was funny because he told me that he was going to take the train originally. Because, you know, in Europe, they got trains and good public transit.

Sure. All kinds of things. Getting a lens for someone from Ohio by riding a train means means it will be derailed horrible things will happen in pittsburgh if anyone's in ohio and they want to get a lens please contact me go by train and tell us the story if you survive uh but yeah the price is apparently doubled from like it was like 40 for four euros for a ticket and then overnight it doubled he was like i'll drive it'll save money and now he's seven thousand five hundred dollars in repairs later i want to throw this out there too going and having horrible things happen in pursuit of lenses or other distractible endeavors is not a way to get onto this podcast this is kind of a one and done circumstance we thought

it'd be fun don't go be chaotic in hopes of landing a spot here. But if someone has already experienced an insane adventure, like the most incredible adventure, then Markiplier needs content. He's only uploading one video every other day. He needs you over there at Markiplier on YouTube. I need it. Yes, please. Mark, do you have a loser speech?

I may have lost. I may have lost the first episode back after the tribunal under the new rule set. And it was probably fair. I think this might be the most accounting Wade has ever done in his life. Oh, for sure. But hey, I'm up one lens. And I will just say this. There are those of you who believe in the lens cause as much as I do.

And I know that you're fighting the good fight and I'm going to keep fighting the good fight. I don't care how many episodes I lose, so long as I get another lens. And that's all that matters. So if you're out there, post on the Reddit about it and get in touch with me because we got lenses to find and we got cars to hopefully not crash and trains to possibly derail.

We're going to tear down the fabric of society for these lenses. You and me, every one of us unite under the lens! This is a man wearing all black, hiding in a random annex, screaming about lenses while he throws his career away. Be careful what you do. Throws his career away? You wouldn't

have thrown my career away? Did I zone out while he was saying something important? Have you seen the subreddit and their dislike of his lens talk? He's tarnishing his, I wouldn't say gold reputation, what, bronzy reputation for lenses i know that there are dozens of us lenzers out there and we are going to unite we will not stop until everyone respects the glass okay post on the subreddit if you're a lenzer because we're about to create a movement we're going to change the world and not if you're into canon fds get out of here those are overrated anyway we don't want you

the canons are like they're not even that good okay everyone's like oh you can't who cares go away we don't want you i don't want you any other lens the lens exclusivity is beginning all right okay if you if you're into canons that's fine you can be part of it so long as you actually understand where it is in the pecking order just Just know you're a lesser member. Yes, exactly. Just know that you suck a big ass. Exactly. Bob Winner's speech. I'm going to cut this off immediately.

I feel good about winning, but I feel an emptiness inside me that I hope I someday will be able to fill with something that I love so much that I endanger the lives of others. I hope that your child one day fills that hole in your life. I enjoy... No, no. Different kind of hole. That hole's filled. I got plenty of child hole fillage.

I enjoy Mark's lens talks. I hate that phrase. You made me say it. The only downside is that I know that there's nothing in this world that I am as passionate, that there's nothing in this world that I am as passionate, bloodthirstily, mercilessly dedicated to as Mark is to his lenses.

And I only hope that someday something gives me that amount of dedication and just blind headfirst pursuit. I don't know if it's going to be car parts or rare phone cases or what. There's got to be something for me. Have you heard of Raid Shadow Legends? Oh, I know about Raidy Boy. If you use my code,

you can get there. You know how many, if we actually got back, if I got back into mobile games or you did, they have referral codes in some of those apps. Do you know how many extra points we could get if we just put that out there? What if we made our own mobile game and we could just godmode ourselves? That's so hard.

No, Mark, what you gotta do is you gotta find a mobile game savant to just help you crap out the best mobile game ever created. And then it's only hard if you don't have a savant on your side. Man, that's a reference no one will ever really understand. A private reference that nobody knows. They'll get it. They'll get it. Well, thank you for the meantime thank you boys thank you to jesus whose real name i believe was kushka yosh yosha

yasha yasha i'm just jesus i don't know i tried uh thank you to jesus for joining us jesus if you're watching this in the future which hopefully you're not out looking for lenses and you're still being a dedicated viewer of the show uh You finished with an astonishing minus eight points. Please do better. Mark, 10 points in this long an episode, kind of underperforming. Bob, 17 is pretty strong. So congrats on the win.

As your host, I finished with minus five. So honestly, I'm letting us down too. So we'll do better next time. Hopefully no lenses, but if there are, that's what we're about these days. You can find Mark at Marketplier or you can find him looking at every garage sale across the united states for lenses uh you could find bob at my skirm uh looking to fill holes you can find jesus probably in heaven i don't know or on earth driving around looking for lenses you can find me

at minion 777 or lord minion 777 until then podcast out