Distractible - Young & Stupid

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

The guys discuss adolescent sneakiness, food revelations, and more Jeff Bezos! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible, a Wood Elf production with your hosts, Badass Bob, Momentous Mark, and Warm-Hearted Wade. This week, the ministers of manliness pontify on the pitiful process of the trials and tribulations of the turbulent teen. Yes, it's time for Young and Stupid. Please prepare thy platitudes and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to Distractible. My name is Bob and I'm always this enthusiastic.

Don't question it. I'm the host for today on this podcast where we talk about whatever dumb shit comes to mind. Every episode we stray a little further from any actual form of structure and wander off into the void of whatever random nonsense we decide to talk about. And by we, I mean myself as well as my co-hosts, Mark and Wade. Uh-huh. Hi.

Hello, hello. How are you fellows doing?'m good my monitor's broken i just woke up and uh life is great sounds good i'm pretty good yeah alan allergies but you know alan allergies tell alan to get out i had a major life restructuring revelation recently but we don't have to talk about that right now i mean i'm a little interested but if you don't want to talk about that on no no no you want to you want to hear this one it's it's something i want to talk about oh go ahead not that i already know it but if i did i would know you want to know it yeah so it all started with me eating a cup of blueberries right so ever since i was a child i have swallowed whole. I've made it a challenge to myself to see

what kinds of foods I could swallow whole. When I was a kid, I would eat mini Chef Boyardee raviolis and I got up to three mini raviolis before the pain in my throat became too much. I thought that I was going to like rupture my esophagus. Now that I'm older and I'm an adult, I could probably handle like five or six, but this is kind of spilled over into the rest of my life where every single food that I've eaten, I've not chewed properly. And I came to this realization because I was eating a cup of blueberries and I was reading up on some stuff about eating and you know, like you should savor your food and you should really enjoy it, especially if you're like trying to eat healthier stuff like that. So I ate this cup of blueberries and it blew my mind like i chewed for the first time for a long time i really savored

the flavor i tried to think about what i was eating and i was trying to like taste every morsel of this blueberry and it was the most incredible blueberry i've ever had in my life it was so sweet the the flavor was like lightning bolts up into my brain. It was like, oh, it was like Ratatouille animation. Exactly. That's exactly what it is. I quoted Wade about this. I quoted Amy about this. I quoted everyone. It's exactly like Ratatouille when all the little beams of flavor started merging into jazz in your mind. And I was like, wow, that was a fantastic blueberry. That was a great cup of blueberries. One. Oh, okay. One cup. Yeah. One cup of blueberries, a one cup. And then

I had a little bit, I was doing some work until lunch and I was like, okay, I'm going to go out and get some Chipotle. And I love Chipotle. I know I love Chipotle. I'm going to go out. I'm really savor the flavor. I'm going to think about what I'm eating. I'm going to really taste every ingredient because I know I like those ingredients individually. I'm going to love this burrito. I'm going to have a great time. And so I went to Chipotle and I walked out with a burrito and I was really trying to savor the flavor. I took one bite and I was like, I'm really going to chew this. And 30 seconds later, I came to the conclusion that it tasted like cardboard. And I was like, okay, maybe I just got some of the tortilla. Maybe the tortilla wasn't so good today. And that can happen, you know, whatever, whatever.

I kept chewing and every bite, I did not like the burrito. I got a third of the way into the burrito and I stopped eating because I did not like what I was putting in my mouth. And this is the realization that I've had that at no point in my life throughout my history of eating, have I really tasted what i was eating this episode of distractible is sponsored by chipotle we're not sponsored by sorry chipotle no no sorry dude uh that's kind of sad it's kind of sad like not in a judgy way but like i know exactly what you're talking about and sometimes i get food and

i'm just like and i inhale the entire meal in two seconds yeah but like what you're saying i've experienced many times that's like the best thing when you take a bite of something and you're just like oh yeah all these flavor yeah no oh it like hits different you know you take another bite or something i i am like learned how to taste i'm currently exactly no i'm not lying i'm learning how to taste because as i said in my'm not lying. I'm learning how to taste because, as I said in my childhood, I swallowed everything whole. And I realized that in every part of my life, in every food that I eat, in every weird quirk I have with food, it's because I'm trying to get an intense hit of flavor before it goes down my gullet. The reason I dip cheese in hot sauce, which is a thing I do. If you're listening to this podcast and you didn't know that.

I've seen it. I do that. I've seen it. I do that. I've seen it. I dip cheese and salami in hot sauce. And it's not because I think it makes the cheese or salami better, or maybe I did. It's because there's no time for the flavor of the cheese to hit my mouth before I swallow it. And I realized this because I ate cheese by itself.

Cheddar was okay. I didn't like it as much, but I actually chewed it and I did not eat a whole block of cheese by myself because it turns out three slices was okay. I didn't like it as much, but I actually chewed it and I did not eat a whole block of cheese by myself because it turns out three slices was enough. And then like I ate Swiss and I was like, I love Swiss. I love Swiss cheese. Tasted like ass in my mouth. I hated it. And I couldn't believe I hated it. I will say you got to get good swiss this was baby swiss from trader joe's but it can be it can be waxy you can have kind of a sourness to it it was yeah it was waxy and sour yeah you gotta get the right kind but yeah no that's weird i and i was eating other foods that i thought i liked there's this truffle mac and cheese that's available at this um restaurant

down the way and i i love truffle and i love mac and cheese and I used to love that. But when I really tried to analyze the flavor on first bite, I was like, oh, hell yeah. But then as I chewed it, I'm like, I don't like this food. It's not that it was bad. It wasn't repulsive, but I was like, I wouldn't pick this again. You know, it was very strange.

It's like opening my mind to different flavors. Wade and I, we went out for wings and I was talking to him about this and it was just like, I was like, oh, I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid that when I eat these wings, I'm not going to like flavors. Wade and I, we went out for wings and I was talking to him about this and it was just like, I was like, oh, I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid that when I eat these wings, I'm not going to like them. And I did, I did, but I didn't like them a lot like I used to. I was like,

I was chewing, I ate most of the wings, but I was like, these wings are a little dry. You know, there's a reason Buffalo Joe's puts them in a bowl of sauce, because the wings are just a little dry. I'm trying new foods nowadays and I'm just like, I'm opening up to new experiences. And what it's doing is it's changing my entire relationship with eating in general. Like I now find myself looking forward to a meal

as opposed to just snacks, because when I try snacks now, like they are not as rich and flavorful as I would like. They're satisfying that craving that I used to chase, which is like an instant hit of flavor as opposed to like a depth. I don't know if this is me growing up or maybe like I should have had this realization. Maybe every other human in existence knows about this. And I'm literally just an infantile child when it comes to eating food. I just want to get a monthly segment where we get Mark's food updates, whether it's the bone broth or the slowly savoring food or the, I don't know. We need a monthly update of what Mark's new weird thing is he's doing with food. Listen, man, food is interesting. Manny and I, for my birthday, went to a very fancy restaurant in San Francisco called

Palette. Yeah. And it's like very upscale. We did like the tasting menu. It was the most extravagant like eating experience maybe I've ever had among them. But I think it's the first time I've ever teared up over food, which was interesting. Oh, wow. Yeah. Most of the dishes is a preset tasting menu, right?

So you get to pick a couple of things. Basically, they bring you like a couple appetizers, a couple little like amuse-bouche treat sort of things from the kit. And then they give you like an entree and a dessert. And most of the stuff was good. It was very good. It was very fancy.

Kind of these cool ingredients. But one of the appetizers I got was this little like smoked salmon thing. And it was covered in like scales of like thinly sliced radishes. They set it in front of me and I looked at it and I was like, wow, this is beautiful. I almost didn't want to eat it. And then I took a bite and I, I like food. I've eaten a lot of food and I feel like I eat garbage, but I also appreciate good, like quality food, quality ingredients. I took a bite and involuntarily one of my eyes just teared up. And as I was eating, it was just like all of these flavors. It was a new experience. Yeah. So I feel like, I don't think that's that weird.

Yeah. I think the swallowing food whole thing maybe is kind of weird. Yeah. I just have a vision of like child Mark and the babysitter shows up at the door and your parents are like, okay, this is a weird thing. You can't feed him anything that he couldn't swallow whole. And the babysitter's like, what the fuck does that mean? And your parents

just like just it cut it up get small stuff whatever it is if he wants to eat that's fine just don't feed him anything that he would choke on if he didn't chew it yeah and the babysitter's like okay yeah whatever and like two hours later mark's like oh a snack the babysitter's like there's some like fruit in the kitchen there's an apple grab an apple mark goes to the kitchen faces down the apple and it's like my biggest challenge i've never eaten an apple before it's not as wide as my neck it'll fit yeah i had a thick neck even as a child but you're not far off from the truth i just didn't realize how much this spilled over and it made me realize realize like Amy took me out for our anniversary dinner and we had Wagyu, which is, if you don't know what Wagyu is, it's like this very, very, very expensive, uh, beef from Japan. And my biggest complaint,

I think I told you guys about it was like, Oh, but you know, I'd rather have a 16 ounce ribeye versus four ounces Wagyu. I probably didn't even taste the Wagyu. Oh, that's so sad. I think I just chew, chew, chew and then gone. And I'm like, that was okay. I know! You got a four ounce Wagyu steak and in the back of your mind you were like, if we weren't in public I could absolutely swallow this whole

But Amy's here. Amy's here. I'll pretend. I'll pretend. And you like cut it in pieces. Yeah, you guys don't know, but in my day-to-day life before this revelation I had an Iron Man overlay that was constantly analyzing what I could swallow whole. You'll see a vending machine being like, hmm, I know I could swallow everything in the vending machine,

but how about the machine itself? I think it might have been a little buggy. All right. Well, I mean, wait, if you have any revelations you want to talk about, it seems only fair to extend the offer. I'm a little concerned that maybe there's a i think that there's a happy middle and how long you should chew we could have a two-hour episode people would love it we don't even have to i i have a topic but it's not i'll be honest it's not amazing it's only okay uh we'll

see where it goes but uh we i'm happy to talk about mark's food revelations yeah i just wonder mark have you tried it with bone broth yet i i have not had bone literally this happened like a week ago i'm not joking i thought you had like at least two bone broths a day i i mean i do enjoy bone broth but it's different with soups because i went out we had shabu shabu and like the broth itself like it's hard to like hold broth in your mouth because it's hot just swirl it around like you're uh like you're rinsing your mouth out with mouthwash just gargle it a little bit like a sommelier i love going to a soup tasting and then you eat the soup that everyone spits into the bucket afterwards that's the best it has all the flavors of all the soups it's like eating every great soup at once. I know. It saves time and energy.

I don't know when humans started kissing or exchanging saliva, but maybe the real trick is have someone else savor your food for you and then spit it into your mouth, and then you savor it for a while and swallow it. You know, that's the truth. That is the hard truth right there. That is the absolute truth. Come back next week, everyone,

and we'll find out how Mark likes having his food chewed for him and spat into his mouth after being savored for 30 seconds you know i heard bezos has a food trier that exact system orders up whatever food shows up food trier takes a bite looks at jeff thumbs up thumbs down if thumbs up jeff opens to receive and the uh the food taster yeah mama birds it right on in there yeah je Jeff couldn't go to space before all of his pre-chewed food was packed up in there. Opens a tub for the other astronauts.

One of the crew for that that had the whole backstory, they were actually just Bezos' food taster in case he wanted a space treat. He didn't know what it's going to be like in space. Maybe you get real hungry in zero gravity yeah micro gravity whatever you know i probably would be the best food taster because i would swallow it all

whole and that way it'd be nice and ready for him you know it wouldn't be too soft keep it all right what'd you what'd you swallow for this flight granola bar a whole bag of chips uh a steak if he's feeling fancy get up there jeff is like chips like of course scratchy chips all right hang on a sec A steak if he's feeling fancy. Get up there. Jeff is like, chips. I'm like, of course. Scratchy chips. All right. Hang on a sec.

I like that I've got such great control of my esophagus and stomach that I can just sort things around and get them up at random. Oh, absolutely. I am a human vending machine. I also like the begrudging chewer. Oh, God. Of course. That's what he wants. That's what he wants. Never wants the J never wants the jello cup back nice and easy get that one out no he wants the chips

oh god he wants the the breadstick you know how long those things are anyway uh i am the host and i do declare that's enough of that all right i'm glad you're having i'm glad you're enjoying food mark though that sounds like quite a change in your experience it is sounds like he's not he hates most of the food he used to like no but that's legit though you don't have to like everything yeah but i'm liking things that i i didn't usually used to appreciate i could go on about it i i won. I won't keep blabbering. I'll give you an update. What about tacos?

I need to know. I haven't had a chance to have a taco yet. Oh, okay. I need to find out how bad they are. Have a taco. Oh, man. Ooh, if you don't like, if you savor a taco and you hate it,

it's going to shatter something. I'm so hopeful. It might. It might. But there's so many different types of tacos that you can't, I'll say one thing. We went to kind of like this uh hipster mexican place

um while i was in cincinnati and i just got like the chips and salsa trio because i had gone to cracker barrel to see if it was still my favorite food it's still good i still liked it okay but i think it wasn't exactly the richest flavor but it was so familiar that i still loved it and and we got the sauce trio and it was like, you know, like normal red salsa, green salsa. And then there was this like super fancy peanut based like puree with pumpkin seeds on the top. And it was like really fancy. Ordinarily, I would just go for the red and the green. And at first try, I dipped in the peanut one and I tasted it and I was like, OK, wasn't very good. And then I realized I didn't actually chew it. And then I went to

the red and green and then I went back to the peanut one. And I was just like, oh, my God, this is amazing. Like it took me a second because I had to shift my brain into the right gear to be like, oh, I need to actually taste this and not just hork it down because it was just chips. And ordinarily, it's like such a habit for me to do that. Anyway, I'm not going to blabber on about this, but it's just like it is strange. Things change. It is interesting. Yeah.

I think that's interesting. Yeah. OK. I'll give an update. I'll give I'll give I'll make a feature. I'll make I'll make a you know one of my I'll make one of those for for my That's the greatest news one I turned around and then behind me was a plate of beat I

Want to make so many of those i love making them okay listen i'm gonna steer this very slightly in a direction and we'll see where it goes today's topic is maybe it's more of a prompt things kids do where they think they're outsmarting their parents and this is inspired by a memory that i had i forget if i talked about this with you guys or who it's 2002. I'm in middle school. It's a school night and I'm in my bedroom. The rules in my house were, I didn't get a TV in my room. Some of my friends had that. I didn't have that growing up. I was allowed a radio in my room, but had to be off by a certain time. Oh, weird. I was supposed to be in bed and asleep, you know, lights out quiet at a set time. I think it was like 930 or something. It was not super early, not super late, middle of the road.

It's like a Wednesday night and I'm in my room and I've got my Backstreet Boys CD and my Britney Spears CD and my little CD player in my bedroom. And I've pulled it. It's usually on my dresser. I've pulled it over onto my bed and I've turned the volume way down and I've pulled the covers over i've got backstreet boys in there right now and i'm jamming out having a great time it's like 10 15 10 16 p.m living it up and i hear from down the hall my parents door opens steps down the hall coming to my door coming to check as they get closer very casually click turn off the cd player pull the lights the little pull cord on the light next to my bed perfectly silent i hear my parents lean up

to my door have a listen maybe they heard the cd they don't know i hear my door open and squeak just a little and then you know that little sliver of light shoots across the floor yeah i'm perfectly still silent i'm asleep nothing is happening the parent buys it door closes they walk back down close their door go watch their tv which they have in their bedroom which doesn't seem very fair turn the cd back on continue jamming out to backstreet boys adult successfully duped they have no idea let me tell you the story from my parents perspective my dad is in the bathroom doing whatever brushing his his teeth, getting ready. He leans out the hallway and he hears from my room like,

He's like, ah, fucking. Bob's listening to that goddamn CD again. Comes down the hallway. He hears, Gets to my door and is like, okay, well, he's pretending to be asleep. Leans in, looks and is like, he's well, he's pretending to be asleep. Leans in, looks, and is like, he's laying still. He's doing it correctly. Okay.

I'm not going to engage with this. I'm just going to let him do it. He leaves, closes the door, goes back, walks in, says to my mom, he's listening to CDs. He's going to be grumpy in the morning. He's staying up late. Do we do it? And mom is like, no, no, no, not tonight. Can't tonight.

And my parents proceed to watch the news and go to bed. I think I am a stealth mastermind. My parents think I'm a moron who's going to be sleepy tomorrow. How many times in your life do you think this has happened? A lot. Is there anything that you as a kid thought you were just the smartest super spy and got away with? Because I feel like that was my entire life. But anyway, that's my presentation.

Best to that. i challenge you i've i've got one that's very similar but you know i wait if you've got one too i've kind of hogged the time today um i didn't really have to be all that sneaky because my mom was like super chill with pretty much any i mean she wanted to like take me to the strip club the first time and she was like oh if you want to try pot like my mom was just like chill he's like if you want to do stuff i don't care because i was a good kid i got good grades and stuff so like i had very few actual rules and i got in trouble like maybe three times ever that i remember so i didn't really have to be sneaky i do remember um i can't remember if it was one of my nephews or who it was used to like try to push limits they

had like this toy this like um this little like cowboy toy thing and they would intentionally like spill something on the table and then like they'd be like did you spill that and be like no it was i forgot the fucking cowboy's name it was like it was cowboy mitchell mitchell spilled it and like oh okay well is mitchell gonna clean it up oh i don't know i see like i don't know but he would always like try to push limits and then blame it like on his toy and like the parent would play along or whatever and the parent very obviously knew what was going on but i guess they just want to see how far this would go and it went for a while like at least a couple months probably where they were just like doing different things yeah i'm trying to i'll have to think on if i ever had

to try to get away with something because like i said normally i was just like my mom was disappointed that i wasn't more evil. Yeah, I got a quick one. It's a very short story, but I used to play World of Warcraft a lot as a kid. And I had a bedtime, of course, because my dad, very strict about bedtimes. And my guild was raiding. It was like the first raid. It was Molten Core.

I was really excited about it because I just hit level 60. I was ready to go. I was part of it and i was just like i was so into it but they rated at 10 o'clock at night so that was my bedtime so i made a big plan i was gonna go to bed early i was gonna be like hey dad i'm going to bed i'm ready for uh getting up early on a saturday like don't you worry about me i'm gonna be at it because like the bedtime didn't matter if it was weekend or weekday It was just like it was the same because he was like

Oh that's mean Well because his philosophy If I stayed up late on the weekend then Monday Like my whole sleep schedule was going to be shot So I might as well keep it consistent Which makes logical sense but also was kind of strict That's mean Imagine having a bedtime

9.30 I was like I'm going to bed I'm going to And then I like I go to bed And he goes to bed at 10 o'clock too. So, you know, he falls asleep. And so, you know, when all the lights come out of the house, I sneak downstairs much in the similar way that I did to sneak out of the house.

But this was prior to that, I think. And I sneak down to the basement and I start playing. Like I log in, I'm down in the basement. Once I'm down in the basement, I feel like I'm fine. You know, I got headphones. It's not like I'm blasting sound anyway. And I get into Molten Core and it's fantastic. You know, it's wonderful.

Like we beat the first boss. You know, it's great. We're going off to the third one. But as we go off to the third one, I hear someone walking downstairs from above me, just like the floorboards creaking, like squeak, squonk, squeak. And I'm like, oh, holy shit. So in my genius, what I did was was because I didn't want to let down my guilt either because I was a tank you know I was kind of important so I set myself to auto run

into a wall to make it look like I was disconnecting and so I just set myself to auto run into a wall I turned off my monitor I couldn't turn off the light because it was too far away there was no way that I could do that but I turned off the monitor to the computer and I ran around. We had this like little bar area and behind it, you know, there were some cabinets underneath for storage. And I didn't even know if there was something in there, but I opened the cabinet and I just shoved myself in there and I slammed the door and I just held my breath. And I heard the footsteps stepping down the basement stairs, like squeak, squonk, squek squeak squonk and I heard my dad peer around the corner and he called my name and I just was in this dark cupboard like Harry Potter

under the stairs ass cupboard and it was like just I was so cramped in there because there was like bottles and shit around me that if I moved they would clank um and I heard him like walk up to the bar which I'm behind and I heard him like walk up to the bar, which I'm behind. And I heard him looking around, calling my name again. It's just real creepy. Like he's like, Mark. And he creeps around the bar area. And like I said, Harry Potter under the stairs.

There was that storage. I was not in there. I was in a cabinet under the bar. I hear him like gingerly open the door and peer into there and uh he's like hmm and then he closes his door walks out and goes back upstairs and i was like oh i'm good i'm good and i get out of there and i go to my computer and i try to log back in but i see that i've been kicked out of the raid group because obviously like you know like oh shit well i can't come back and so i go upstairs my dad is waiting at my bedroom door for me and what i realized was i was not sneaky at all because as i must

have sprinted underneath he must have heard like a cryptid going like so he knew something was down there and you know he's a smart guy he figured that i had to come up eventually so yeah i got i got in a lot of trouble for that but i didn't read for a while that's really funny i love that from your perspective it's like a vignette from like a horror movie yeah oh my god it was you're just in the darkness of the closet and your dad's outside just like mark dude it not lying i can feel the anxiety that i felt that night right now just like remembering being in that cupboard i don't even see it as a memory from inside the cupboard i see it as a memory from me looking seeing the basement room around and him creeping out of body experience oh yeah oh my god that was terrifying i like how we justify all the noise we make and assume that they just can't hear us the two things you guys stories have in common is you

made a fuck ton of noise you're both like nah no way they heard that no i mean that's dude that's how kids are though like so one that feeling that anxiety feeling of like hiding, this is going to sound creepy and I'll expand on this. I still do that just for the rush, I think, because I'm still a huge child because my job is this. But also kids are so noisy. I worked in a school after college before I went to law school. I worked in a K through 12 public school and kids, that's how kids are, man.

They think sound doesn't travel beyond their own ears or something. Yeah. The high school kids in the school that I worked at were difficult. Middle school and high school kids are terrible. Middle school kids are mean. High school kids think they're adults and they're a-holes, but the K through like five kids are hilarious. I love those kids. And they're really funny. Their parents are tough to deal with, but the kids, like I worked in the front office, right? I wasn't a teacher. I was the staff at the school.

I worked in the office. And, like, there's a hallway to the door to the office. And you would hear, like, two kids got sent to the office to get in trouble, right? So they're coming down. And you just hear them like, Hey, girl. Man. What's the matter with you?

No, put it in your bag. Man. No, you hide it. And then they walk in and they're, like, stone silent. And I look at them and I'm like, are you hiding we hide nothing i fucking like you were 10 feet away from me around a corner through an open door talking about hiding something in your backpack i'm gonna pretend like i'm figuring this out like a detective so that you're so shut but like kids have no concept and i mean

they're kids what are you gonna do yeah but so the other thing the anxiety of like hiding thing i don't know if anyone else does this i did this like as recently as last week do you ever just like hide somewhere hide somewhere like so mandy and i live together right and i can our house uh the floors don't creak but like you can kind of tell when someone's walking around you can kind of hear movement in the house sure and so i can tell if mandy's like coming over to my area of the house if i'm streaming or if i'm in the bedroom or whatever we're if we're separate and like sometimes i'll hear her coming and it's a time where i'm like oh it's about to be lunch she's probably coming to ask what we should do for lunch or you know she's she's probably looking for me or whatever and i'll

just like pick a spot i don't hide in a cabinet i'm not that small anymore but i'll just like pick a spot around the corner and so you know she'll come be like hey hey honey you oh and like she'll think i'm not in the room but i am in the room oh yeah i'm just around the corner it's that same feeling of like oh is she gonna look over here she doesn't even know and you like peek around the corner you know you peek one eye around the corner and you're like yeah she's there yeah i still do that at any given opportunity and not in like a creepy way maybe it is creepy but just for the rush of it does anyone do that is that just me am i just a weird kid i drive over to my mom's house and i go inside i just pick a cupboard to hide in for no reason i'm there yeah i was about to say i thought i was the only one yeah i went over to cincinnati this past um weekend and i didn't tell anyone i

was gonna show up until i was there it was great yeah fucking wednesday night i get a text from mark and all it's i'm in the middle of a stream i looked out at my phone i'm like oh mark's texting me i wonder what's up and all it says is i'm close dot dot dot oh no it's meant for amy i was like close to my house close to the breaking point close to what no i i really thought like because i i followed up with i'm closer with my next one and i really thought about committing to the bit and just going to his house and taking a picture from the outside and sending it to him i really considered it but i was so funny i know man i should have done it god that would be so funny and then you could have hidden and i could have had to look for you exactly could have found the spare key and snuck inside oh yeah and then take pictures from inside

and then take pictures when you're sleeping and send it to you no what you gotta do is you gotta sneak into wade's house and just start pouring cups of water around the bases of all the toilets fucking god damn it no wade walks into a dark bathroom and flicks the lights on and there's like 16 ounces of water on the floor and he's like no yeah you're new is the new is the you guys remember when wade's toilet leaked water for like two years straight yes i did just this year i had to replace all the toilets that happened again this year dude my mind was blown because i was on tiktok just browsing and i saw someone in a drowned Man shirt and it was just like they were doing a completely different bit not related they were just wearing it casually and I'm like oh my oh my god oh my god that's cool yeah it's very weird yeah

I have another one in relation to your original topic and then I have a follow-up one that is only tangentially related it's not a follow-up wow wow wow let's get let's let wade get an elbow all right okay you got anything wade i'm here to win goody two shoes no i i i've been i've been thinking on it but i mean all i can really think of is stuff that other people have done i i myself did not have to be sneaky you've never hidden from anyone yeah i mean i do that kind of stuff like molly will come in like grab my ankle and i'm streaming a horror game so i'll try to like sneak around to scare her and stuff like that but that's really just like us being evil to each other how does she get in well my door is wide open that's pretty funny actually i like that she usually gets on all fours and crawls

and it's that way i can't see her because my headphones are pretty good i usually have my volume way up especially i'm doing horror games that way like scare notifications and stuff really loud so she can walk down the stairs without me really noticing and so usually yeah she can get Because my headphones are pretty good. I usually have my volume way up, especially I'm doing horror games. That way, like scare notifications and stuff really loud. So she can walk down the stairs without me really noticing. And so usually, yeah, she can get in here without me having any idea. I don't know how long she waits. I have no idea. But I'll be playing a horror game for a while.

And then like somehow she knows when it's like at its tensest moment. And it's not like a light tap or any of the noise. It's just there's a hand grabbing my ankle out of nowhere. It's so fucking scary. Every time she should just bite your leg it would probably kick her and like break her teeth worth it and then i'd be the one in trouble yeah well don't you deserve it yeah don't you deserve it did you ever think about that i don't know there's anything i've learned about being married it's that i'm wrong and i deserve this yeah pretty much mandy if you're listening to this i'm sorry that was wrong to say interesting i deserve this okay so i have i have another one this is when i was even

younger i think it was in like fourth grade no it was fifth grade because i was at maine i was participating in the egg drop competition wait did were you at main uh only for sixth okay all right so i think it was fifth grade in main and um obviously my design sucked like at this point in my i had just come into the public school system for a year i'd been in like this private religious school for a while calvary christian academy and then i came over to public school and so i didn't have any friends and so the people that i was partnered up with didn't do any work. I was just like doing it on my own. It failed miserably and I was so sad. But I noticed that they kept the box of first place ribbons out on the stage behind us because we were on in like the auditorium on the stage.

And the box was just sitting there. There was no one by the box so i thought that if i moved slow enough and walked backwards towards it i would be able to without anyone knowing because i could keep everyone like in view as i go over there i slowly stepped backwards towards the table where the box was and i reached my hand like my hands were stick by my sides like just right down by my legs just like and i was walking backwards like a robot and then i kind of like gingerly lifted first my fingers then my hand and then my forearm and then my arm and i snaked my way over to the box and i like wasn't looking at it because i couldn't look at it because that would be too obvious and then i i grabbed a ribbon and i snaked my arm back like a

inspector gadget retracting his arm and i stuffed it into my pocket in one smooth motion that completely crumpled the ribbon into my pocket and then my hand down back in my side. And then I slowly walked forward back towards where they were doing the egg drop. This is how big of an idiot I am. There were people in the audience. Yeah.

So the stage, you know, the seats there for the audience watching the egg drop and then like the table is there at the front of the stage. The egg drop is at the back of the stage. So the seats there for the audience watching the egg drop. And then like the table is there at the front of the stage. The egg drop is at the back of the stage. So the front is where the table is. There were dozens of people that saw me slowly walk backwards like a freaking weirdo, snake my arm into the first place ribbon box and then stuff it in my pocket. And then I walked away. It's just like for me, I thought it was so i thought i was drax you know just if i moved slow enough no one could possibly see what i was doing so for you like the james bond theme is playing and for them the benny hill theme is playing just you just know all the

kids in the audience saw that and were like wow So brave. Wow. Look at this guy. And then all the teachers in the audience were just like, wow, sad. Let's let him keep it. They all looked at each other and like silently nodded. Yeah, yeah. Poor guy's probably never won a thing in his life. Let him keep it. It's meaningless anyway.

He can have one. I think that's exactly what happened because I was so sad. Did you just keep it i did you no one stopped me but i realized because when i went back there and i turned and look there were people looking at me in the audience just like oh they they can't know and oh i remember what i when i when i got picked up by my dad from this uh from school that day he asked how the egg drop went and i just nodded my head like I didn't speak out loud how it did and I slowly reached into my pocket

and I pulled out this really crumpled first place and I just handed it to him and like he said oh good job and I just nodded my head and looked straight forward in the car You moved like you did when you were stealing the ribbon the whole rest of the day

every movement was just like overwhelming guilt writing yes the guilt was the hardest part you did like wrestling and stuff too do you have any wrestling do you have any wrestling trophies that are like the wrong name is on there it's like oh michael thomas first place i know this is my trophy dad i got this one i earned i reached into my pocket i pulled out a crumpled metal trophy someone else's name engraved on the front pull out the couple middle trophy and you shake it and re-inflates to a full metal three-dimensional trophy like yep that's mine yeah hell of a trick

yeah you were at the meet dad but uh i actually won it remember how i was on my back and he was on top of me and the guy's like one two three and then he raised the other kid's hand that was all just a joke i won that sounds like we're getting scarily close to reality here oh my god when you said good job i uh i was looking to try to find other interesting stories since i didn't really have any about the kids thing i came across this like things parents should never say to their kids guess what the number one thing on this list is that you should never say to a kid i love you you're not far off it's not i love you it's i'm proud of you what instead this psychologist argues instead of giving them

blanket statements of encouragement you should just say good for you instead oh my god this is a serious article that's the most passive aggressive i've ever heard oh my god instead of making your child feel responsible for your parental pride responsible for your what does that even mean i don't know the second thing on the list is good job good job why is this uh good for you love something your child did it's far more helpful for encouragement building self-esteem if you focus on how they achieve whatever they accomplish so instead of saying good job say you got all a's you must have worked really hard i liked the way you passed the ball so your teammate could score it sounds so like instead of shooting the ball i'm proud of you for not

shooting the ball yourself i know that it's apparent to a kid so like some level of condescension is built into that interaction i guess but that has got to be the most condescending shit I've ever heard. That's hilarious. You pick up your kid like, yeah, I won my race. I won at the track meet today. I won my race. Wow. I like the way you ran so fast that you finished first.

Good for you. Fuck God. Even a kid would pick up how cutting that is. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Kids aren't nearly as stupid as we think we are, but they're also just as stupid as we think we are. They are.

We are. I think if you want to tell your kid that you're proud of them, that's fine. You just have to really cut that with making sure that when you're not proud of them, you also let them know. Yeah, exactly. Oh, well, if that's how you feel, Bob, then good for you. No, don't worry. This doctor, Dr. Pickhart told me to say that to you. that's how you feel bob then good for you oh no don't worry this doctor dr pickhart told me to say that to you it'll make you feel better damn that's really deflating even

from you to me which is not a meaningful conversation about anything being told by my grandparents and parents were proud of me is like one of the best things i had growing up like i leaned onto that sometimes if i was like i did this thing guys i finally my first time i ever got straight a's good for you i like the way you did what you were supposed to and got straight a's honey yeah good for you for some reason my parents have been replaced by bob's head and he's just like good for you oh wow dude if i haven't ever done anything that made my parents proud i would have probably loved hearing them tell me they were proud of me i'm just hey good for you i didn't even say that anything i ever did was probably pretty bad or pretty stupid as a kid and they were just like

get in the car now robert you will never live up to the expectations we had for you when you were born hey listen my brother's the good kid. I'm the funny one. That's what I got. All right, that's fair. That's all I have. So no one better ever say anyone else is funnier than me because that's the only thing I have. Okay. You've got nothing.

That sucks. I've got one more thing that I'm going to so tangentially related, but I got to say because it's tough. Thanks. You're welcome. It feels good. It's slightly topical because I don't respect either party in this but you know there was a recent cryptocurrency thing and the reason i'm i'm going to relate this is because like it's like new money trying to be smarter than old money but

but also crypto creates some of the funniest fails i've ever seen there was recently a squid game cryptocurrency i forget if it was an nft or if it was just a straight up cryptocurrency but it was this token that was supposed to be you can buy it but you can't sell it for three years like it was locked up until 2024 and it was recently up to apparently a market cap of two trillion dollars and then in literally a minute like less seconds it went from like a four dollar per token to zero oh man just zero and what this is called is a rug pull when the makers of this cryptocurrency cashed out because they control it and no one like it's just a fucking scam and so everyone got all their money that they put into

this token ripped away now that's not saying two trillion got put into it i think it was something in the range of a couple million sure but still a lot of people lost a lot of money yeah yeah i mean i'm no i'm no crypto expert but basically someone created that coin they kept the majority of the coins which were valueless until they got people to buy them on the market which created yes value per token which created the cap yes but then someone owned what was previously valueless code was now worth four dollars or whatever yeah i don't think that's legal i have no idea what laws or regulations cover this that seems so illegal it definitely would be if crypto was in any way regulated which you know if you ask crypto people they're like that's the whole

point of crypto so it's not regulated but then you ask anyone else who's able to trade this on the open market and now it's getting legitimacy but that's still fraud like that's actually just fraud maybe they advertise something where they were like buy this no one can sell these things they will be valuable investments for one can sell these things they will be valuable investments for a minimum of three years they cannot be traded or sold or whatever and then they violated what was fundamentally the only term of anyone's agreement to invest in it that seems like regular old fraud to me that seems so fucking illegal probably but hey they got away with it good for them yeah you know what that's

how it works they got the money good for them oh my god there was another there was nothing proud of that came no i'm not proud of them i forgot the rule there was there there was uh there was someone that like i don't know if it was because of this or something else but it's someone that had their cryptocurrency stolen and so they tasked these other people to help track it down because they offered and they were like we can help get get it back. We'll split whatever we get back. They got it back. And then they just took all the cryptocurrency and ran with it. And so this guy posted a letter that was just like a handwritten letter that was like, please, if you know anything about this, contact me at this. And then someone took a picture of that letter and made an NFT about it and sold it for $100.

letter and made an nft about it and sold it for a hundred dollars oh my god that's that that's so messed up i know right dude nfts are wild man we should i don't know what they are or why they're worth any money at all but apparently they're worth either five or nine million dollars yeah apparently are nfts the things that are killing the rainforest everyone's all mad about or and i think we should just take some pictures of our elbows or something and make some distractible nfts because i want some of that free money they're printing man yeah free money free money just out of thin air couldn't we sell a picture of distract each distractible episode or something yeah we could sell an mp3 i think yeah each episode is actually an individual nft yeah that's the ticket oh yeah yep how much are each of our episodes worth as nfts nothing

nothing but they exist nothing right now anyway well that means we could tell them it's worth something right not the way this is working that means we could tell them it's worth something, right? Isn't that the way this is working? That's what all currency is. It's just us. Interpreted value. It's what we apply to it. It's what we all agree what something is worth. Oh, then each episode is worth at least a million dollars. Oh, sure.

Probably, yeah. Makes sense to me. Sure. Who's buying out there? Chat, audience, viewers, listen. Yes, chat. Keep trying. Keep going.

Our ecstatic Gresth You landed on Gresth. I put guests and breasts together and I couldn't get away from it. Well Who's paying you you get a commemorative? Thank you Commemorative thank you? What does that even mean? That's all I have to offer, man. It's a unique commemorative thank you.

Oh, right. It's kind of like stealing a first place ribbon, Mark. You can take the commemorative thank you, you can put it in your pocket. Crumple it up, uncrumple it. Hand it to your dad while you stare dead face straight forward on the car ride home from school. And then he'll say, wow, good for you. Yeah, good for you yeah good for you good for we as the host i feel it is my responsibility to pretend that i was keeping track of points this whole time and now decide who wins uh no segue into the end just crashing into it okay the disaster that it is

wade didn't really contribute anything that is accurate for like the first two-thirds of the whole thing mark had a lot of great stories funny interactions i had an easy childhood good for me yeah wade was just a boring old goody two shoes but for traumatizing me for the rest of my life and putting it into my head that i'm definitely at some point later in my life with my kids going to remember this and just one time to them be like good for you buddy, buddy. Just to see what happens. I think Wade wins. I say this is bullshit.

I protest. Mark really carried the load. Mark bared his soul, told a lot of great personal stories, anecdotes, but you know what? Good job, Mark.

Yeah. Good for you, Mark. Oh God. Or I mean, uh, Mark, you managed to have the best stories and still lose.

You must have not tried hard enough. Yeah, I really like the way that you told all those stories in a way that made me not want to make you win somehow. Good for you, buddy. Okay, thank you. Mark, I like how you dropped the ball so that your friend Wade could win. Okay. Good for you.

Thank you. And yeah, so do you have a like a victory speech or anything win do you feel like you deserve this earned it worked hard for it yeah if you want to have the best kids ever uh set no rules just tell them you're proud of them all the time and then they'll get straight A's and end up like me and if not then well there's always the church step the count frollo approach yeah frollo yeet wait that's a person that you'll dude frollo french people only live once i don't know much about frollo but it always makes me want those chocolate caramel things the rolos never hear that name all i can think of when we talk about frollo is the song where he sings about wanting to have sex with Esmeralda. And the end where he's all

she will be mine or she will ah! It's just fire. My favorite part of that movie. It's about sex. That song's about sex with Esmeralda. Kids movie everybody. Yeah, exactly. So either she gets to have sex with him or be lit

on fire? Yeah. She will be his or she will ah. How hot's the fire lit on fire? Yeah. She will be his or she will. She will. How hot's the fire? About fire hot. As hot as fire gets. Fire temperatures. Is the hottest fire, is it blue or green?

I don't think it's either of those. I don't think green is an indication of temperature. No, no. Keep guessing. There's only so many colors fire can be. Is the hottest fire a pink flame? No. No. This isn't fun anymore. Isn't fire just a burn? You made him the winner. You made this guy the winner. White hot fire. White is the hottest.

This is done. Nope. It's white. Blue is even hotter than white, apparently. I choose not to believe you. That's the end of the episode. Awesome. Thank you so much for listening to Distractible. Make sure you follow and or subscribe and or plus us on whatever your favorite podcast app is. Then you'll

always know when there's a new episode, which you should know anyway because it's always on Mondays. Stupid. That's right. Good for you you you know when it is now uh thank you i like how you hosted this complete mess of an episode bob and guided us to an ending don't do it i have a mission for people at home oh if you enjoy distractible and you want to help spread the word of distractible pick your favorite episode and play it for someone when you're in a car ride with someone to make their journey more enjoyable and then tell them, whisper in their ear that there are more episodes available on your

favorite podcasting site. Maybe delete all the songs off of their phone or listening device and just put distractible episodes so they have to listen to us. Maybe invest in buying a mountain of old iPhones and putting nothing on them but possibly Spotify or whatever, Apple Podcasts, and downloading episodes of our podcast and leave them around, plugging them into people's cars or Bluetooth speakers or whatever, just playing Distractible and as many speakers as you can get the phones attached to.

And you can just leave them. You can hide them. And you can leave them with their own battery or plug them into a power source so they just play forever. Or if it's someone's first set as like a DJ or something, they cue up a nice song to get people hyped. And then as the beat drops, they just play an episode of Distractable.

And then the crowd's gonna go wild. It's gonna be, oh, oh my, yeah. Maybe work as a volunteer or get yourself into like a student council position so you have access to an intercom in your school and just play Distractable over the intercom. Or if you're the principal or someone who works there, just put Distractable episodes over the teaching lessons because it's much more important to listen

to us than it is to learn your lesson if someone actually hacks their school intercom to play distractible i will make an entire video about it you heard it here folks no i don't want to encourage it oh yeah i don't want to encourage actually be delinquent. Break the rules. Oh, God, man. Hack everything. In other news, 10 students across three states were recently suspended for hacking their school intercoms after being told to do so by these three assholes. Oh, I didn't say to do it. You guys were- I didn't say to do anything.

It was all Wade. You're guilty by association. We are one distractible. This is the end of the episode now. Thank you, Mark, for being here. Thank you, Wade, for for being here you can find mark at markiplier on you know youtube twitter good for us find wade at lord minion 777 on youtube or minion 777 on twitch i'm on facebook micekerm you'll never spell it good luck that's the end good for you thank you listeners good for you for listening to distractible good for you podcast out