Do Go On - 10 - Cremation, Burial or Other

Episode Date: December 30, 2015

What do you want to happen to your body when you die? That is a question that Dave has been asking himself a little too much lately. He's done some research about the various ways you can dispose of your body. Burial, cremation, being shot into space, being PACKED full of cotton. WARNING: Some of the content is quite graphic... Of course Matt and Jess handle the topic in the mature way you might expect. Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] the show and get rewards like bonus episodes:www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amarna, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there.

Canada, we are visiting you in September this year. If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. Hello and welcome to Do Go On. My name is Dave Wonki and I am joined by my co-host, Mr. Matt Stewart.

Hello, Matt. Hi there, Dave. Didn't see you there. Really good to be here. It's great that we've stumbled into this room with microphones, pointed out of faces. Really good. Also, a microphone in front of her face, coincidentally, is our other host, Jess Perkins. Well, what are you guys doing here?

Well, I was just about to ask you, this. Same question. I like as soon as I responded, Dave had to reach for the volume button. I did. I absolutely did. It's like, what are you guys doing? It's like, you have the ability to yell, but in like a really friendly way. Me?

Yeah, you're so, you're very loud, but in a very, like a super, it's great. Oh, that's quite nice. Keep doing what you're doing. Oh, thanks, buddy. Thanks. If you haven't heard this show before, this is the kind of show where we like to take it in terms to research something, bring in that topic. The other two, don't know what we're going to talk about. and then try and educate them about something.

And it is my turn to bring a little something into the table. Drop some knowledge bombs on us. It feels like every time Dave explains it, it's a different thing. I remember not long ago it was a comedy podcast. Now it's an educational podcast. Well, the comedy was not being delivered. Yeah, fair enough. We've had to make cutbacks.

Comedy plus education equals usually a lame thing. But tonight, I will win you over with... Do go on. Hopefully we're going to have some fun here today. It's actually quite a dark topic, though. But dark can be fun. Did anyone at home notice that in one sentence, Dave said both tonight and today?

It's like... What time is it? It's like you could listen to this at any time ever. Wow. This morning, you could. You could. So on this morning's program, we're going to have a great time together.

It's a pretty dark topic, so feel free to perk it up with some classic Perkins zingers. Oh, I'll perk it right. If you could stew the pot with some Matt Stewart Gold. And hey, before you do anything crazy, I hope you warner-key me. I was going to say, what am I good for? Absolutely nothing. Caution, corner.

That is me. All right, so it is a pretty dark topic. But we always start with a question. And this week, it's... The worst massacre. No, it's not that dark, but it is to do with death. I'm going to ask you... So we always start with a question to get into the topic.

My question is, when you die, have you thought about what you want to happen to your body? Yes. It's a yes from Matt? So the topic is yes? The topic is bodies. Hey, you know, we've had feedback since we've been putting this out, that this part is one of the most frustrating parts to listen to because everyone who's listening to it knows the topic because this episode is called that topic. So I just want to really Get comfortable in this annoying part of the show

Let's really drag it out What could it be? If only we'd read the title of the show Before we recorded it Sadly the iPad is facing the wrong way to you too So you don't know But that's it I think that's a

Jess, have you thought about What you will do? Kind of Not really, not the What are you going to do with my body bit? I've thought about like songs That I'd want at my funeral Or something like that

Like that. What's your song? No, I just like every time I hear something, not every time I hear a song, but yeah, sometimes you hear a song and it means something to and you go, that'd be nice.

Dusts in the wind by Kansas and do you realize Flaming Lips, Emma too. I think you've got to say, oh no, it's not even called that thing and say,

do you want me baby? But it's don't you want me baby? Don't you want me baby? That's as they take the coffin out, yeah. 80s English band. But yeah, I'm defamed it all the way.

You've decided Yeah, I'm locked in. Jess. Haven't made a decision. But also, do you know what I sort of feel like it's not really, is it my decision to make? Well, yeah, 100%. Do you reckon? Yep.

Absolutely. Or like planning your own funeral. It's not for you, though. It's for the people left behind. Yeah, but totally. No, but that's what my mother always says. She's like, do whatever you want. Like, if you want to bury me, bury me, if you want to cremate or cremate me.

That's sweet. Is that sweet or the selfish way out? You can't be bothered. Somebody else make a decision. I'm, well, I totally agree with that. And I don't care really. really what happens to me, as long as I die believing I'm going to be cremated. It doesn't matter once I'm dead.

Oh, yeah, good point. But as long as I'm like, you're definitely going to cremate me, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, well, I'm going to, we're gonna come back to that topic. Okay, so, so it's not the topic. Well, it is the topic, but I'm going to slightly steer off track for a second.

Do we know what the top? No, I'm so confused. Normally it is, hey, do you know, what's your favorite painting? This painting? Yeah, well, that's what this is about. Yeah, this one's confusing. This must be frustrating for our listeners. So, well, the topic is death, okay?

But how I got to death, and I'm going to ask you a second question. The first time in this podcast history, there's a follow-up question. Another question. When I say the name Don McClain. does a certain song, Don McLean, pardon me. Starry Night. Does a certain song come to mind? Well, yeah, maybe, he's got two big ones, right?

Starry, Starry Night and American Pie. American Pie. American Pie, that's his signature song. He's got a third one, I think, which I can't remember what it is. It was a song that played at my friend's dad's funeral. There you go. Long funeral. It's an eight-minute song.

Yeah, and right when they, it's kind of like this nice pause. And they goes, blah, and the guitar starts, that's when the day. That's when they started to wheel the coffin out. Oh, that would have been brutal. Tears. Was it the Madonna version? Yeah. Then it kicked...

There's the pause and then Madonna's version kicks in. Yeah, but then it was also like a mash-up with Material Girl, which was kind of nice. That is nice. And then it finished on Vogue. He was a... If anything, a material girl living in a... Oh, it's a real person. I'm going to stop now.

Okay. Right, well, do you know, so the American Pie, I'm going to talk about that for a second. For a long time, it's his signature song, but for a long time. time it was speculated that the words were about the singer, the death of the singer Buddy Holly. Yeah, I still believe that. And the big bopper. That's right. Well, we're going to get, but McLean said for a long time, when he asked about the lyrics, he said, they're beyond analysis, their poetry, which I don't really think is your place to say. Other people can say that about your work, but you're not allowed to say your

lyrics of poetry. Hey, no one has ever analyzed poetry before. That is not, look, I've been to year nine English classes and I've never seen. Oh no, hang on. No, I'm thinking of someone else. They will not touch poetry. Yeah. What are you talking about? Poetry's analyzed all the time.

Oh, what a wank. And later on, he admitted, yes, it's about Body Holly and then he dedicated the album. Body Holly. Is that the name of Dead Buddy Holly? Body Holly! That's terrifying. So he dedicated the album, American Pie, to Mr. Holly.

So you talked about Big Bopper, Buddy Holly. Do you know how they died? Playing crash. That's right. Famous playing crash, which has come to be known as the day the music died. The day. After the lyrics from the song, that's right.

Died. So he admitted that the lyrics were about Buddy Holly. And you said he died in a plane crash. So for the people out there that may not know, in 1959, Buddy Holly, who was a central figure of 50s rock and roll and his band,

they were touring America on their winter dance party tour. Sounds like a terrible, so fresh album. They were being supported by the rise. Talents of J.P. The Big Bopper. J.P. Jess Perkins, the Big Bop.

We could call you Bop. The Big Bop. I've always wanted a nickname. Have you not had one? No, not really. I quite like Bop. Yeah, Bop's really nice. So you're good. So you are Bop. So you...

Bop. And the other person supporting the Buddy Holney's band was 17-year-old singer-songwriter named Ritchie Valens. But two important people in this bit of preamble I've got for you. So they've been travelling around in a tour bus, which was cold and uncomfortable,

they'd have to do long drives after the shows each night, pretty much drive all night, and the heater broke. And as I said, it was a winter tour. Oh, yeah. So they all got sick with flu, and one of the drummers even got severely frost-bitten. What?

Driving around in this tour bus at night, so we had to go to hospital, and they had to take it in turns the other two drummers filling his place. So they got sick at that, so they swapped to a school bus. But Holly, Holly, say Holly because of Buddy, Holly. Yeah, yeah. When I say

Hully or Bully, you know what I'm talking about. Or body. So, Hully. Body, Hully. He was sick of the cold and wanted some rest after one of the shows. He decided to charter a plane

to take him to the next gig. He would meet all the other people there. So the tour manager organized a local pilot, another young person, 21 years old, Roger Peterson, to pilot a small

Beechcraft 35 Bonanza, which is a tiny plane they're still making. You can buy one for seven, $700,000. It's not that much. So it's pretty cheap for a plane.

It seems pretty cheap for a plane, yeah. Yeah. Matt, you don't think that's cheap for a plane? No, for a plane, sure. But when you say $700,000, it's not that much. I just wonder about maybe... What world I'm living in? Am I living in a material world?

Yeah, it feels like... Should we go food? 700 grand. Not that much. And this is US dollars, so... Pocket change. Pocket chains, that's right. Wait for the dollar to come back up and

will be good. So the plane could hold three passengers plus the pilot. So one seat's taken for Buddy Holly, Bully. And the other, they had two seats left. So one of the seats was supposed to go to a guy called Waylon Jennings. He was the guitarist. Holy shit. Everyone, I've heard of all these people.

Yeah, that's right. So he fortunately would go on to do things because he's the guitarist in Buddy Holly's band. But the big bopper, Bop. J.P. J.P. He had the flu and asked if he could have the seat. instead. So Whalen was like, sure, you can have my seat. That's two seats gone. And I read that when Holly found out Jennings, the guitarist, wasn't flying with him. He

joked, well, I hope your old bus freezes up, to which Jennings replied, well, I hope your old plane crashes, which apparently haunted him for the rest of his life. You'd 100% reply that, though, wouldn't you? Oh, big time. Big time. Bob time. Oh, yeah. So the other seat was decided by a coin toss between young Richie Valens and another musician Tommy Olsup. Valens had asked for the seat, this is the young guy, and they flipped a coin for it backstage after the show, and Richie Valens won.

That's probably the reason I know his name is because he died in that plane crash. Oh, sadly, but I like this. Well, I don't really like this. It's kind of strange. It's messed up. In 1979, Allsup, the guy that lost the coin toss, later started a club called Tommy's Heads Up Salome. in Dallas, which was named after the coin toss that he'd lost but one in a way. Tommy, you sick, fuck.

In a way, but in another way, the only reason he's alive, right? Yeah, that's right. So he lost but one. So the three musicians got on board the flight late at night. We got at 5 to 1 in the morning because I had to do the show first. It was lightly snowing, visibility was not good, and it was later discovered that the pilot was not trained to fly under these conditions. So the odds are stacked against them.

Also, he didn't have arms and he was drunk. Also, it was a tank. And also, instead of a pilot, they just put a pillow there. It drew a smiley face on it. Wilson! So they took off the controlled tower, watched the plane take off, and then it appeared to gradually descend, and then it was... You're a monster.

I'm laughing at the Wilson. I just got it. It'll look like. I was laughing at death. Yeah. Your delay really hurt you there. Yeah, it really is not a good thing. But now I don't want this to be edited out.

I know, I'll keep that in. But just everyone know, I'm not a monster like Tommy Ols up. So the control tower, what's the plane take off? It appeared to disappear, descend, and then it was suddenly out of view. They didn't hear the expected radio contact that you're supposed to have from the pilot. Because he was a sheet. They tried to call that sheet. But they didn't hear anything.

But they didn't go and look for it. They waited until the next day. They never heard anything, so they took a plane out to look for it, and then they found the missing aircraft, crashed 10 kilometres away from the airport. All four men were killed. Buddy Holly was just 22. Big Bopper was 28 years old. The pilot 21.

Ritchie Valens, as I said, was just 17. Wow. So young. So, so young. So, now, apart from the pilot, the other three bodies were thrown from the wreckage. Earth was a pretty bad, big, big, big crash. And the Big Bopper, JP was found a while away from the crash site on another side of a fence. So leading to rumours that he'd survived and attempted to go and help, go get help for the others.

Which leads me to my topic, so in 2007, 47 years after the crash, the body of Big Bopper was exhumed by his son and examined, and it was concluded that he had not in fact survived the crash and then he'd just been thrown that far. Which leads me to the topic. I was looking this up, and I had no idea that a body could be buried for 47 years and then still be examined decades later. I guess I just never really thought about what happens to your body when you die.

And that coupled with the fact that these guys were all really young. Three out of four of them were young when I am. So it's got me thinking, and to be honest, I had a bit of a crisis at night. I wasn't looking up this story to do an episode about it. I get intrigued by these things. I was like, oh, yeah, the day the music died. Buddy Holly, never really heard about that crash. And it just made me think about your body, what happens to it when you die?

And I'd never really thought about if I want to be buried, cremated, or whatever. So I have researched all the possibilities of what can happen to your body when you die, and I'm going to go through them with you all, and hopefully I'll be able to decide what I would like to happen to my body. All right. That's what the episode is. Because when you're saying like, oh, whatever else, I was like, what else is there? Yeah, I thought there was just the two. The two.

Those are your options. Well, I also thought that until I looked up. You just donate your body, but then eventually they're still cremated. I'm up for donating and then cremating. Take what you need first, if anything is still in working order. Could be an option. We're going to look at it tonight or today or this morning on this episode that I'm calling Beryl, Cromation or Other.

Right, so we're going to start with the super obvious one, which is burial. What's in the box? I guess that's burial. That is burial. That is burial. the box. So burial is just defined as putting your body into the ground and then covering it over. And there's a lot of ways

you can do that. This one obviously dates back a long, long time. The earliest undisputed human burial took place over 100,000 years ago. Sorry. Undisputed. Pricked my ears up as well. It's very difficult to date things that are that old. Right, okay.

I was thinking like the person being buried... The undisputed champion of death. Yeah, no, but like, the person that was being buried was like, No, no, all right. That seems fair. I'll be buried. Yep, nah, pop me in the hole.

Go on. Yep, go on. We won't dispute that. I'm not arguing with you here. Fair enough. No, good choice, everyone. See you in 100,000 years. This was in a cave in Israel, they found this body.

Oh. So after you die, the body will decay. So to me, burial makes sense. However, burial is not necessarily a public health requirement. Do you know, this contrary to a popular belief, this surprised me, the World Health Organizersersers. advises that only corpses carrying infectious disease strictly require burial. So when they have big disasters and there's lots of earthquakes and things like that,

a lot of the time people panic, oh, there's lots of dead people. There's going to be a lot of disease from that. Not strictly true unless you have bury them and stuff near water and things like that. So just having a body open, it's not going to attract heaps of disease. There you go. Maybe not disease, but it'll attract some stuff, right, as it slowly rots. Maybe grizzly bears? Yeah, it can, oh, definitely.

Piranhas? Piranhas. Ants. Oh, pesky ants. Piranha ants. Piranha ants. Piranha ants. Grizzly ants.

Prants? Prants. A burial can bring people closure. It can also be seen as a passage to the afterlife. So there's different types of burial, though. Natural burial, is also known as green burial. That's the process by which a body is returned to the earth to decompose naturally in the soil.

Returned to the earth. We didn't come from the earth. Yeah, that's a good question. It's bloody hippies. It's called the green burial shows. It's pretty hippie. It's literally putting yourself in a hole or someone putting you in a hole

and then just covering it over. Naturally, you know, as would happen naturally if there was no intervention. You would naturally fall into a hole. And then a fire. Dirt would cover you, naturally. Naturally. If you were out by yourself in the forest and you died,

what would naturally happen a hole would form and dirt would fall on top of you and a little crucifix would be fixed at the top of it obviously that's the work of the bear we were talking about before thank you very much Mr. Bear or the Prats. However, you're not allowed to do that

Prants of the radio. There's no prance. There was no green burials in Victoria. Our law states, in Victoria, a coffin is necessary for both burials and cremations. It must be a hygienic, closed receptacle soundly constructed of a substantial wooden or other approved materials in a way to prevent the escape of offensive liquids. Ew!

Aphonic acid liquids. And I read, you don't even have to have a professional make it. If your friend is pretty handy, which we know a couple of handy people, they can make you a coffin. Yeah, Jess and Matt. Yeah, we're very handy. My brother is a carpenter. Oh, yes.

Dricken he could... I could whip up some coffins for us. I feel like he is a professional. Is it like, did you really think that a coffin? had to be professionally made. It's a box. But no, it does have to prevent the escape of offensive liquids, so it has to be well made.

Intensive liquids. I'm imagining like a soup calling you a dickhead. Yeah. Hey, hey, hey. Nah, fair enough. Not offended by that. What else do you got? What do you got over there, orange juice?

Your mum's a bit chubby. Wait, well, hang on now. That is an offensive liquid. Someone take him away. I know you groaned but I'm very proud of that You're fucking Gisbacho What I'm not doing that How about have you ever been to an open casket funeral

No and I don't want to It sound terrifying don't that But I have seen my girl Oh yeah good one yeah Then yes, yes I have Does that count? Because everyone knows Thomas J can't see Without his glasses

And the My Girl character, I can't remember. Vader. Vader goes and puts his glasses back on or something. Because he's dead. He's in the cast. Thomas Joe can't see without his glasses. But he's dead, so he doesn't need to see. He doesn't need to see.

That's the thing with Vader. And you know what? She lives in a, like her dad's, like, what is he? A funeral director? He's a motician. He's a mortician, but he's a funeral director. He's a beautician. He's a beautician.

She's it for the dead. Well, that's exactly right. So there's constantly funerals in her house. You think she'd have a better grasp of death, but instead she's putting glasses on her dead friend. Like, are the kids an idiot? Hey, death makes us all feel a little bit weird. They did become blood brothers earlier, I think.

Yeah, that's true. Or spit brothers. Both legally binding. Yeah. Legally binding contracts. Probably not brothers. Hey, Dave. Yeah.

Do go on. I do go on. Well, if you have an open casket funeral, you've already mentioned this, but you have to usually go through two people. One is a funeral. director. Oh. The other is an embalmer.

Both played by Dan Aykroyd. Well, they can be the same person. The funeral director arranges the funeral and may arrange the body for the viewing, so do the makeup and stuff like that. An embalmer is someone who's been trained. I'll arrange a body. What do you need it for? I'll arrange one.

I want fake eyelashes on my dead body. What do you need it by? Tomorrow? Well, that's going to cost you. But no, no, I can get it. I can do it. get you on. But close the business.

A bit of an embalmer, on the other hand, is someone who's been trained in the art and science of embalming and may not have any contact with the family, although sometimes it is the funeral director that does all of this stuff, a package deal, if you will. You said gross, I said great. Hey, it's both, it's both. Yeah, well, somebody else to do, don't they? Bodies are embalmed to slow decomposition. The chemicals used in embalming repel most insects, probably ants as well, probably

bears probably they're probably also you know tolerant to offensive liquids and it will slow down bacterial protifications I looked up how much an embalmer can expect to make

according to an Australian career's advice website so they do pretty gross stuff with dead bodies all day long what do you reckon they get paid a year it's either going to be pretty dismal or quite good the fact that you ask the question means it's not 75 grand

It's either 40 or it's 120. Yeah. I'm going to go 120. I'm going to say 120. I'm so sorry, guys. It is a terrible job. They can expect to make between $41,000 and $51,000 per year. Why would you do that?

Working full time, and I'm about to read what they do because this is what they have to do. The body is washed in a disinfectant solution, and the limbs are massaged and manipulated to relieve rigamortis, which is the stiffening of joints and muscles after you die. Yeah, it is. So, massaging dead corpse, the arteries are embalmed by simultaneously introducing embalming fluid, which is a mixture of formaldehyde, other chemicals, and water. The feraldehyde can't hurt them now, right? No.

But they put it into an artery whilst draining the blood from a nearby vein, or directly from your heart. They take about two gallons of blood out and put two gallons of fluid into you. Then the inside of the organs are cleaned out with a device called a trocar. Do you want to hear this man? La, la, lo! Oh, my God. It is attached to a suction hose,

which you guessed it sucks everything out. The process of removing gas fluids and semi-solids from the body cavities and hollow organs using the troika is known as aspiration, which is something that we all aspire to do with our lives. That's just, okay, now I'm thinking those types of people, they don't make a lot of money, so it's not like there's... Oh, there's definitely serial killers or something. Right?

There's something wrong. Like, they're creepy as hell. Like, you could do any job for minimum wage for this. That's about $20 an hour if they're getting... If they're taking a price... That's what I get paid. That's what I get paid to answer phone calls in a shitty call center. It's like someone comes to you and says,

Jess, I've got a disgusting job for you. It's going to require a pay cut. Would you like to do it? Oh, do I get to suck out kidneys? Yes, please. It would quickly become nothing to you, right? Do I get to be alone with dead bodies? Yeah, you'd do it for a couple years to become nothing, and you'd look at yourself in the mirror and think, this has become nothing to me.

I have become insane. Yeah. But you'd be so aware of what you are as well. I don't think you would. I don't think you would. That's the thing. I don't think I could get around if I was always aware that I'm nothing but just a bag of shit and bones. I mean, I know that is true, but I don't think about it all day every day.

If I had to think about that all the time. Oh, yuck. It would be hard to just like, you know, do. like go down the shops and stuff. Not for me, thanks. You're just a fucking bag. Well, they fill that bag. Would you like a bag?

You know, you're in a shop. I am a bag. You monster. We're all bags. That's all where we're all just sacks of shit. Well, they suck out the shit from that sack and then they replace it with a morphemaldehyde inside your torso. And then the anus and vagina are often stuffed to prevent a leakage. I'm not kidding.

This is straight from a funeral website. What about the male urethra? No, you'll be right, man. Yeah, you'll be right, man. They just aim it up. So this is only happening for open caskets. Why is anyone doing that? It's right.

It looks like she's about to cry. Like, the next time you see an open casket, the next time you watch my girl. I'll think about... McCauley Culkin really went through a whole lot for this role. They stuffed his vagina. The glasses. Callie's episode stuffed vagina.

The glasses are like literally the... I love yourself for saying that. The glasses are the least thing that he needs to worry about right now. Yeah, because he's dead. So all that gross stuff is over. Then it's the funeral directors time to shine. Funeral directors tend to lift the head of a corpse in the coffin in order to prevent discoloring of the face.

They also make sure that the body is properly groomed. This involves hair being washed and combed. Bikini wax. And any facial hair is shaved off. So imagine if you're drop... The bearded weirdo would be no longer. There was a note saying

unless that the person had facial hair amongst their everyday appearance. So if you die... So if you die with a bit of 5 o'clock shadow and that's not your look, they'll take it off. But Matt, don't worry about the beard. They'll just massage it. Which is what they love to do.

The face is skillfully made up using cosmetics that match as close as possible to the person's natural skin colour when they were alive. The mouth is then closed. The lower jaw is secured. Lower jaw is secured either by sewing or wires. What?

So when they look really peaceful, they're not very peaceful. The dead cadaver is not peaceful. No. Where do they understand how they sew it to get? But I also don't want to ask the questions. No, you don't want to know. You don't want to know. You said they stuffed their vagina with no warning,

but no, I don't want to hear about their sewn up jaws. Glue. How about glue is also used to shut the eye. and lips, these naturally draw back, and the eyes will sink. God, that's disgusting. Here's one good thing. Actually, kind of, you may have heard that fingernails and hair continue to grow after death. I don't know.

I've looked into this a bit because I'll let you go on in a sec. But one of my favorite all-time albums is called Who's Gonna Cut My Hair After I'm Gone? Or is it Who's Gonna Cut Your Hair After You Gone? Anyway, it's by the Unicorns. And that's based on like The idea that your hair keeps growing Yeah Is that true?

No, it is not true It's a myth Because what happens is The skin dries out Pulls away from the nails and hair So it looks like they've gotten longer Really your head's just sort of shrunk a bit

Cool Oh So yeah It's all right, it's okay It's okay The body is then dressed Sometime with plastic underwear To avoid even more seepage

Quote And then you are ready For your big day Your final day I am really enjoying how much you're loving this. Where did you get this information from? I looked up so much fucked up shit for this. And I'm so scared of dying now.

Oh my God. But this is just one of the things that I could do with my body. This is just an option. I'm just throwing it out there. Have you put a line through it yet? No. I don't have a vagina to pack, so I'm feeling pretty confident. I'm not okay with that. You do have an an anus though, I imagine.

God damn it's right. They'll pack your a leg. Damn, he's right. No, I'm thinking that I'll die in some sort of accident, which removes my anus. No, great. Because if you don't die in an accident, it sounds like you're going to be very accident-prone in the days following. In terms of seepage. Seapage accidents.

I imagine you're dying, but like, through an anus-related removal, right? And then your embalmer's like, all right, my favourite part, the apache of the anus. And then he realized you don't have one. It's like ruins his. day. What's the point? I mean, I come here. I earn very little money.

Just so I can pack anus or two. And this bloody SOB comes long anus free. Oh, well, I'm ready to pack it in. Because, obviously, I am ready to pack it in, but I can't. So I'm going to pack it in. I remember the day, I walked into the careers council's office and I said, they said, what do you want to do with your life, I said any job where I get to pack an anus, they gave one option came up, and now I'm doing it, and they're bloody taking it away from me.

Really, one option? What about, what about mulling? Drug mule. Two options came up. I said, I won't break the law. They said, you're going to be an embalmer. Like, I don't know if you're going to go into this, but I can hear no benefit to being embalmed and having an open casket. It's so people can say goodbye. But the things that they do to your body, just so people can say goodbye, just look at a picture of me and go see you, Jess. And I think, I think this podcast is about awareness this week because I think if everyone knew what they had to do, you wouldn't be saying goodbye. You wouldn't want to go anywhere near that body because it's super gross. Pack your anus.

I reckon I've been to a dozen funerals and I'm confident none of those were open-casted. You don't think you would remember that there was a human body sitting there? Sometimes you know how you mix up reality with TV and stuff? Like, there was the Simpsons episode. Cleveland, that Betty White show, where there was an open casket. Same thing. But they didn't go into the everyday process of Betty White's anus. Didn't know the ass was packed up.

That's what television does to you. Where's the realism? Where is the gritty crime realism? Like knowing all of that, it just makes it horrific. It's disgusting. casket now is a loved one knowing what's happened to them. Oh man, you couldn't do that.

Now, well, you could do it yourself, Matt, because if you would like to embalm somewhere... If you were... No, Jess. I'm on my way out. I know my days are numbered. I'm going to start the packing process. Well, no, if you...

Hand me some Vaseline or whatever it's... What do they use? Barm, I guess it's like Tiger Barm. They don't need to lube it up because the person's dead. They can't feel padding. No, I thought they just pack in Vaseline. Oh yeah, what do they use? What do they pack?

Is it bar? Is it literally, that's what I picture, when someone says balm, I picture Vaseline. It is, it's genuinely cotton. Cotton. They'll shove cotton it. Like cotton balls. Just like, yeah. Old T-shirts and stuff.

No, no, obviously, you guys seem pretty interesting to having a go. So if you would like to embalm someone yourself, fear not, because there is a five-step WikiHall article on how you can do it at home with pictures. My favorite line of which I won't go through. No, they're cartoons. Right, it's drawing. But my favourite line of the WikiHal How to Embarm a Body is,

respect the body at all times. Use a sheet or towel to cover the genitals. And don't leave tools laying around on it while you're working. Assume the family may pop in at any moment. Good call. That's the most... That's... And is a good call.

If I walked in and somebody had been embalming my mum and I noticed there's scissors sitting on his stomach, how do you? You wouldn't... I'm not going to say it because you said your mum. Who's walking in on the embalming? Yeah, and I was singing the same. I was about to say something.

All right. I was right. Packing anus is? Yeah, they walked in in their fist teeth. And Jess is... No, it's a stranger. Stranger. He would still be...

Thomas J. or other. The scissors sitting on their wrist is like the least of your concerns. True. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. You don't want them walking in on that. Obviously, you packing their vagina is fine. All right, so we're going to move away...

As long as if the sheet covering, please. We're going to move away from... I'm going to get you to move away from the backing of the pajamas. Well, it's going to be pretty hard to, to be honest. That will come up again. I'm... Clenching as we speak about it. They're going to move onto the burial part.

Most bodies, when they're buried, are wrapped in a shroud or put in a coffin before being buried. In Australia, like I said, before the law is you have to be buried inside something. These containers actually slow... Just bury yourself in somebody else's ass. Oh, that'd be so efficient. You know how we're running out of space for burials? What if, like, the people who wanted to be cremated,

they become the cotton? The ashes became the cotton, and you packed them. Matthew. So say, I'm getting cremated right, and Dave doesn't know yet. Say you're being embalmed. Right, we've also died in a plane cramaged. I could be cremated, and you could pack your anus and vagina with my ashes. I would be on it.

I would be honored. Who's it more of an honour for? Me, for telling the story and selling it for millions. I'll be the only one left behind. I live on for eternity. In Dave's ass. But how long do you take to decompose if you're buried? I can tell you that decomposition in the air

it's four times as fast as underground. So being buried actually slows it down. Oh. I thought it was going to be longer with dirt and things around, but actually going underground is four times as long. So when buried the classic six feet undergrounds, without a coffin in ordinary soil and unembarmed, O-Pact danis, adult,

normally takes eight to 12 years to become a skeleton. Gross. However, if you're placed in a coffin, if you're placed in a coffin, the body can take years longer depending on the type of wood used. If you use a really thick, solid oak, can really slow down the process.

50 years later, you can still have parts of you in the box. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing. What's the thing? What's the thing? Like, what's the point of it? Like in case you come back, like it gives you more time to come back to life and still be able to function as a human. Just in case. Jess, when he said in the box, you didn't at all think. Not great.

Like, I was just... You were thinking about packed again? Yeah. Oh, God, being packed inside. It's going to be too hard to move away from it, isn't it? It is going to be really hard. I can't. I feel weird.

We shouldn't have recorded this one at night. Yeah. Or morning or afternoon. No, anyway, yeah. Or the past, all the time you hear it. That's the worst of all. How spooky is the past? Oh, we're alone in a warehouse recording this.

It's kind of scary now, isn't it? Do you know the difference between a casket and a coffin? Oh, no. I thought that was the same thing. So did I. Coffins, if you're going to get your brother to build it, he needs to know. Coffins are tapered at the head and the foot and are wide at the shoulders, that classic sort of...

That's a coffin. That's like a vampire. Like the vampire style. Yep. Like so goes in at the head. Yep. But caskets, they're rectangular and shape, and are usually constructed of better quality timbers,

feature highest standards of workmanship. So they're the ones that people usually carry out. Yep. The pallbearer style. It's like caskets are more popular then. Popular is a weird word to use there. Well, they just... Well, I think they are more common.

Yeah, common. But they are a lot more expensive. The cheapest coffin I could find online was 12. I'm so worried about you, Dave. The cheapest casket, however, was $3,200. Oh, hello. The pillow on the inside, if you'd like eternal rest, will only cost you $350 extra. I don't think my parents would even be mad when they go if I don't buy them in the pillow.

Do you know? Do you say $350? Would you buy a pillow now? I'd say $350. I wouldn't buy a pillow. I don't think so. Look, I'd follow, I would follow the instructions if left. otherwise

I don't know I like the idea for me if I was going to be buried I like the Hessian sack idea have you heard that you go into that No I haven't got into that please Apparently like it's

it's a more environmental way of doing it you're like decompose quicker and Go back to the earth Go back to the earth Where we all started So that's the closest thing to a green burial Yeah I think so

Just put him in a sack Just in a you know A burlapse Like a burlap sack or a shallow grey. Like a swag. Just like a Coles green bag. Yeah. Oh no, they last a while.

They last too long. This is the last bit about burial. We're going to move on to other methods. But you can be buried anywhere. You don't have to be in a cemetery with the, as long as you get approval in writing from the Secretary of the Department of Human Services. So you can be in any sort of private ground or land. So you could bury your grandma in your backyard.

Backyard. If you get the approval from the secretary, you can bury it right there. Don't do that. That's not nice for the next people who are having, like, extending into the backyard, building a pool. They don't need to find that. Oh, no. They just find a pile of cotton. They're like, what's this?

She was packed to the brim. Oh, my God. Okay. So that's burial. Nana was packed to the brim. I said that's burial. That's option one. either embalment or not

I'm thinking about that still. Option two, other most popular one you've already mentioned at Matt, is cremation. What do you think is more popular in Australia, being cremated or buried? I'd say,

what date have you got this fact from? That's from recent times, last five years. I'd say cremation's taken a real... I reckon cremation is, yeah, is really on the up and up. Have you guys been on the websites I've been on?

Because you're absolutely spot on 54% of all bodies in Australia are cremation. these days and the figure is increasing by half a percent each year. So they are on the up and up, you're right. Because it feels like, for one, I mean, I really don't want to hear about it too much because it's going to ruin it for me. But I like the idea that it takes a way less space.

And, you know, we've got a bigger population every year, more people die every year. It just feels like where are all the body going to go if we keep burying everyone. but also it's just like you know in a box slowly rotting away sounds pretty fucked as well whereas you but I know the cremation is brutal

and it doesn't fully get it all and they have to be crushed like you're gonna go to talk about that yeah like these are things you don't want to know someone said to me recently oh should I let you get into it

yeah let him get into it I'll let you get into it let me know if you if I miss anything brutal or otherwise please jump in cremation is the combustion vaporization and oxidation of dead bodies to basic chemical compounds,

turning you into ashes, gases and mineral fragments, retaining the appearance of dry bone. Sounds pretty scientific. You're just going back so you're not there anymore. But cremation, not as old as burial, but it dates from at least 20,000 years ago. Wow. The archaeological record.

With the Mungo Lady, the remains of a partly cremated body found at Lake Mungo here in Australia is the oldest. Really? Really? It's in New South Wales. That's awesome. That's awesome.

That's awesome. Wow. 20,000 years old. So it's got a history cremation. Some places still practice the older outdoor method of cremation via a pyre. A pyre is a big pile of wood. The body is placed underneath are on top and then burnt. They were used in Viking and Roman cultures.

They continue to be used in Hindu and Sikh cultures. This is an outdoor big fire. body just gets burnt. A traditional Hindu funeral pyre takes about six hours and it burns between five and 600 kilograms of wood. You were talking about cremation

being an environmentally sound method but... Yeah, no, did I say it? This kind. I'll just go through this pyre every year, 50 to 60 million trees are burnt during cremations in India which results in 8 million tonnes of carbon dioxide and greenhouse gas emissions.

So the way they do it, in the traditional methods not very good for the environment yeah I'm not 100% sure how environmentally friendly it is I'm more thinking just space like just the space that's been taken up by the bodies

I imagine the most environmentally friendly way of doing it would be just to pile bodies into a huge hole somewhere not spread them out and is that I mean I don't know all I can think about is the smell oh the smell would be bad yeah but I'm also thinking about it

like it would like a slow cooker. Would you rather, would you rather be the embalmer or the emburner? Neither, I would, no. You got to choose one. I would not do either of those. And it's reality you have to pick one or the other.

I would not, I would not. Burn one for sure. Burn one, yeah. I'm burn one as well. Wear a nose plug. Jess, you've heard about the embalm, but you haven't heard about the crematorium person does yet. So I'll tell you that, then you can decide.

Okay. These days, most cremations in Australia occur in a crematory, that's housed within a crematorium, which comprises one or more furnaces. A cremator is the name of the industrial furnace that is able to generate temperatures of 870 to 980 degrees Celsius to ensure disintegration of the corpse. And it hasn't been around that long. The revival of interest in cremation in Europe and the United States

began in the late 1800s, with the rise of large cities and the realization of health hazards associated with. crowded cemeteries taking over like you're saying, Matt. But it was not until 1884, so 130 years ago, that a British court first ruled that cremations are a legal procedure, and the first Australian crematorium opened up in 1925. Wow. So not even 100 years of history in that sense.

Wow. Why did it become popular? Was it certain religions or? Because, yeah, people, like I said, the cemetery, were getting really full. Even in the 20s in Australia. Yeah, so I think it's a drop-down effect. So it becomes more popular in Europe.

Right. So it comes out here. Yeah, with the immigrants. Yeah, and people just think, oh, yeah, it's because for a while there, I think that people, most religions are against it. Yeah. But these days, most people can be cremated. You can't, if you are strictly Jewish or Muslim.

They still don't allow it, but the Pope has, In the 60s, so not that long ago, in the 60s said that's okay for people of the Catholic faith to be cremated. That's kind of cool. So modern cremators have adjustable control systems that monitor the furnace during cremation. These systems automatically monitor the interior to tell when the cremation process is complete. So if you are the cremator, you don't have to do much. You pop them in and then you pit. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

I couldn't do it in a pire situation. I cannot believe that you couldn't decide between pushing someone into a furnace. and going off and having a coffee and packing vaginas with cotton. You're like, both are equally bad. No,

I didn't say that. I'll do boast if I have to, but I'm not choosing. When we were talking about... Don't make me choose. We're talking about just standing around watching a body burn on some wood for six hours,

then I felt pretty gross about it. Imagine that been your job you have to watch. Oh. No, but like it's... The fires, it's cooking real good. I'm just going to go, no, you have to stare into their eyes. What's left of them? They're melted away.

I hate you both so much right now. Well, the time required to melt away varies from body to body. Take six hours with the pyre, but a modern way, the process may be as fast as one hour per 80 kilograms of body weight. So I would last, I weigh 52 kilos, I would be gone. Jess, your shift would last 40 minutes. Yeah. Pretty good. I'd still have to stand around and think about the fact that I just pushed my good friend Dave into a oven.

You would also think about your good friend Dave's anus. Completely cotton-free. Good point. And that's how I want your anus. Thank you. Cotton-free. To live on in my memory, cotton-free. Cotton-free anus.

You guys are just looking out for me. I appreciate this so much. Okay, I'm going to go through the process of modern cremation. These days they're controlled by computers and it looks like a giant pizza oven Oh no, don't you dare ruin pizza for me Pizza is my favourite food You take that back, you take that back right now

I'm so sorry The casket is put into the top level of the cremators chamber Or pizza oven Yeah, the top part of the pizza oven And then I love this And then burnt, of course it is All ornaments and fittings are left on the casket So they just burn you in the casket hole

The fittings are burnt within the coffin as they're typically made of plastic. Oh. As the, Matt, you're into incriminated. Let's see if you're into this. As the soft tissue begins so tight. I really don't want to know a lot about it. The skin becomes waxy.

It blisters and splits. The muscles begin to char, flexing and extending your limbs as the titans. You're moving around in there. Which is crazy. The bones. The bones are the last to go. Yeah, no shit. They become, the bones of the last ago.

They become calcified as they expose at the heat. They begin to fly. flake or crumble. Then it's onto stage two. Bones and calcium deposits are milled down to finer particles in a grinder or a crumulator. Love that, crumulator, which is just like a blender. If you like blending, I've also ruined that for you. The ash weighs.

You know she does. Smoothies and pizza. Gone. Gone forever. Your Saturday night's over. You jeer. The ashes of most people weigh around two kilos and are available to relatives, 24 hours after the cremation. So let it cool a little bit. And there's one of those systems, like at Domino's, where you've got the names.

You put whatever name. It says 20 minutes. And it says it's in the oven. Is it a tracker app? And it gets delivered. And it tells you, what's the guy who pushes all the buttons? It tells you his favorite pizza topping and his favorite footy team. If it's delivered cold, money back.

Money back guarantee. And it comes. inside one of those pizza things that keeps the pizza warm. Oh, the little carry case thing. And he rides on a little scooter, weaving in and out of traffic. That's interesting. The thing you did say there about the grinder, I wasn't aware of that. Because someone was telling me recently that they were trying to organise a cremation for someone.

Presumably dead. Wow, let's not jump to conclusions. And they were saying, there's jewelry that you'll need to take. And they were like, we don't, we don't want to, we just want them to be, just cremate them as is. Yeah. What do you mean? Jewelry and all. And they're like, oh, well, the jewelry, it's not hot enough to take down the jewelry.

I mean, there's even, there's bones and stuff that will still need to be grinded down. And they're like, oh, we're telling you we can't even handle. I know. You're handing us back their jewelry and you're telling me about grinding their bones down. Don't worry. The jewelry is fine. They've got a thing for that. I've got this written here.

They get the ashes. They've ground it down and then they run a magnet through it. They do not. No, they pick out... What if you've got like gold teeth? If you've got a hip replacement or jewelry, they take it out. My dad had a hip replacement. Oh, gross, and I have fillings.

Take it out with the giant... Burials back. on, I think. Yeah, sorry, Dad. You can do it with a closed casket, though. But then what do they do with that? Like, would they then hand me my dad's fake hip? No, I don't think gross.

No, they would just dispose of that. It's fine. Okay, that's all right, then. I don't have to know. But the one thing they will take out before... Unfortunately, no. Because of Dave. I know now.

The one thing before you being cremated, they will take out is a pacemaker because they can explode in the oven. There you go. Had similar to a double meat lovers. Oh. If you have too many, too much. I'm on me on the catnobble. They can't explode in the oven.

This really put me off, Matt. Yeah. This is the last line of commotion. Quick wit. What I like about this, if we could just recap what we've gone through so far, and now, Dave, this next thing is what's put off Dave.

Packing anuses. And vaginas. Sucking out, like, melted down teeth. Running a magnet through the sessions. Grinding bones down. This isn't what's put. put me off. No, this is what put me off. This is the last sentence on cremation, I think. While there may be some inevitable residue mixing, the bodies are burned one at a time to ensure

the separation of the cremated remains. So you had turned to ash, but you might have in your box a little bit of someone else. Yeah, of course, because how could they clean it all up properly? I'd never thought about that, and that's really gross. No, I'm so okay with that. The lace gross thing, that's fine. I'm 100% okay with that. I have the idea that their bones are in my box. I'm not okay with cotton being packed up mine, so... Well, fair enough. Oh, this one part of...

So you don't want someone else's bone in your box? Is that what you're saying, Dave? That's exactly quote-unquote. Put it on my tombstone. Put it on my tombstone. Ain't no bone in this box. Dave Wonki, that's what it says. He lies Dave Waterkey.

Matt, you're an environmental guy, an environmental alternative. I wouldn't go that far, but I'm relatively... There's a new process for you. I hate the environment. The way of the future. It's called chemical cremation. It's called alkaline hydrosis. It's where the body is placed in a chamber.

It's filled with a mixture of water and lie. Lie? Water and lies. Yeah, that's right. You're beautiful. You're talented. I'm into this. On the way out.

This is good. And then it's heated to the nice warm temperature of 160 degrees. But it's a very high pressure so it doesn't boil. and instead the body's effectively broken down into chemical components. It takes about three hours. The end result is a quantity of green-brown tinted liquid and soft porous white bone remaining, which you can easily crush in your hand.

The ash is given back to the next of kin. Dave is okay with the weirdest things. No, no. The liquid is disposed of either through the sanitary sewer system or put in the garden. So you literally wash down the drain. Matt, that's the environmental method for you. I'm into it.

Great. Wash down the drain. I just don't need to know about it. If I wasn't so dedicated to this podcast, I would not be listening to it. If I wasn't sitting in here. I would have found a reason to go to the bar. Don't you want to know what's going to happen? I think it's fascinating, but I hate this.

I'm the, is anyone going to listen to this? Yes. Yes. Sick fuck. Well, that's right. If people can put in pack buddies for 40 grand a year, I reckon someone's going to download this for free. Great point.

For the most part. I'm all about cool with everything, but need to know basis. I don't need to know. Were you a bit like that with childbirth? A little bit, yeah, a little bit. Like, I'm happy to, I'd be happy to be surprised with stuff on the day. Just like, hit me with it. Only if I have to see it, I have to see it and go through it.

You know, like I don't need to be emotionally prepared. If I go on for an operation, which I have a couple of times before, one time I got the full rundown before they felt like it's better for you to know and that was way worse than going in and just wake. You're like, and count down from 10 to 1 and then you wake up and you're in pain in places you didn't realize you would be. It's like, oh, fair enough. What kind of procedure are they giving you without telling you what it is?

I was, I was 16 or something. Maybe my parents knew. I knew what it was and they told me, but I didn't really, I wasn't taking it all in and they didn't. They were like, Matt, we've got a lot of cotton. Don't worry about them. Yeah, I'm more cotton than man, even until this day. Well, have you ever thought about burial at sea?

That seems okay. I like the idea of just disposing shit into the ocean. I'm afraid to say that you should not even consider that one, because in Australia, a permit is required for burial of bodies at sea, and they're usually only granted in case of a strong connection to the ocean. So people like, that are in the Navy. Or you're a mermaid. Can you prove it?

Got no legs. Just this body. Do you want to look at her tail? We packed it for a cotton. What's a bad tail? All right. The rules are if you do get that, the body must not be embalmed or place in a casket.

You can only do it into a shroud. They drop it into the ocean and it's got to be 2,000 metres at least the water underneath. You're putting a sack and dropped into the water. Would you float to? No, you're way down. You're way down. So you're basically fish food is the idea. If the fish can get through the sack.

Which they, that'd be the idea of being a sack. It's one of the most, it's way faster for your body to decompose in water. Yeah, so you don't last very long. But no permit is required to scatter ashes at sea. So if you want to do that, still get to have the ocean. A bit of both. How about something that I've often jokingly considered being stuffed and put on display? That can't possibly be an option.

If people do that. But, okay, embalmers are already complete sociopaths. If you're a taxidermist for humans, you're fucked. If you're listening and you're a taxidermist for him, I don't even want your subscription to this podcast, and we're quite desperate for attention. Fuck you. You absolute creep, and I hate you.

It's like the accountants all over again. I hate accountants. One hates accounts and taxedermis of humans. It's tax. It's tax. Yes, she hates anything to the attack. Don't say that word to me. Taxi drivers,

I'm right off. So Dave doesn't mind having his anus stuff. We've heard that. And we love him anyway. Now he's taking it one step further. He's having the whole lot stuffed. Well, it's the same thing as being in bomb just on a higher scale. And if you're a world leader or a former dictator worth your weight,

you'll want to be stuffed and put on display. So people that are on display include Vladimir Lens. You can see in Red Square in Moscow. Since 1924, he's been sitting there. Are you kidding me? He has mild bleachings and soaks in glycerol and potassium acetate every year. That's right. So he's there.

The embalmed body of Ho Chi Min is preserved and cooled in Hanoi in Vietnam. In North Korea, both Kim Il-sung and Kim Jong-il are embalmed and put on display in Kim Il-sun's former residence. You can go. North Koreans go and see them. They are kept inside the building that is. called the cum susan which I really enjoy saying

a socialist leader I'm not done with it's good it's good it's good we would be murdered if we went there and laughed socialist leader

I did not laugh at that if many of us listening from North Koreans or Chinese former socialist leader Mao Zy Dong He's like

You can't laugh at Chairman Mao You know him, right? You've had a Mousy Dong. I didn't know his name was Mousy Dogg. If you said Mousy Dong Then All right, my favourite Embalmed body, if I could pick one and only one

Barlap Gun to my head Farlap What, no, whoa Toot and Carmen No, it is He embalmed? Or mummified

Which is an extreme process of mummobile. Of embalming. They take their organs out through their nose. My favourite is, that's true. And pack the cotton through their... Nose? No, butt. Still the butt.

Still the butt. Always the butt. Number one rule of human taxidermy. Always the butt. Out through the nose, in through the anus. Hit that butt. It's the first rule. You'll learn that.

You'll learn that in any class. Wiki how. Step one. Get ready to get inside that butt. That ass. No, my favorite inborn body is of Eva Perron. Oh, man. So, was a former wife of Argentinian president.

Do you know Eva Peron? Yeah, Madonna. That's why she played her in Evita, the film. Ah, but of course. So when she died in 1955, she died pretty young, and Embalmers emptied water from the cells of her body, and then they replaced it with wax.

which is very unusual and they pretty much turned it into a candle. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. She's also missing a finger because when the Junta, who overthrew her husband, and her body was in his house, they cut off one of the fingers to make sure that she was real because I thought she was literally just made of wax. He kept around in his house.

Oh. Oh, and the weirdest part about it is. I'd love when he says the weirdest part. This whole thing has been fucked. Whenever he says the weirdest part, and he says, And apparently, she wasn't a natural blonde. Yep, absolutely. Go on, go on, what's the weirdest part?

Oh, the weird part was so her husband got Juan Perron, who was the president. He got overthrown in a coup, and then they had to leave without her body, and the body went missing for 15 years, turned up in Italy. Then, um, Juan, who would move. Even after her death, she loved to try. No, she'd travel. And then Juan, who'd moved to Spain. In her backpackers.

They found her in a backpacker's. $15. She's been a 12-month dorm. Mixed dorm. So after they found her body, they took it from Spain. They flew it to, took it from Italy and flew it to Spain, where Juan, her husband was now living with his new wife. Oh.

And they just kept it in the house on their dining room table for a couple of years. Get fucked. I'm not kidding. Sitting there. And then in 1970. Ah, seriously, Dave. Fuck off. This podcast.

is over. That's it. We're done. You killed it. So you're living with your husband. You've got the ex-wife's dead body on the table. Then he went... Not even ex-wife. He went back to Argentina.

He became the president again with his new wife as the vice president. Then he died. She became the new president took over and then she brought the body back. She brought the Eva's body back which was then

It was good luck. Finally... Good luck body. Finally buried in a tomb with a marble floor, which has a trapdoor that leads to a compartment containing two coffins. Under that compartment is a second trapdoor and a second compartment that is where her body rests. The claim is often made her tomb is so secure. It could withstand a nuclear attack. You know what you just described there with the multiple compartments?

That is also how I'm going to say. set up my butt. Trapped door? Yeah. There's going to be one section with cotton, another with Vaseline, one with Tiger Balm. Just heaps of different compartments. You get right in there, they'll be like, you think you've seen it all, and then you pull on a little book in the shelf.

It's another trapdoor. There's even more gauze. A little thing swings around, and then, like, my ashes come around. the little urn inside Matt's bath. Like there's going to be so many visitors. It's going to be a real... It's a mausoleum. Yeah, it'll be a mausoleum.

A mausoleum? My arseleum. Matt's arsoleum. Oh, that's fun. That is good fun. It's great. All right, Dave, I'm coming around to this podcast idea. All right.

Okay, just when you thought it couldn't get any worse. Oh, God. Have you heard of Sky Burial? What? Do you know what a sky burial? Is chuck it out of a plane? No, it's a funeral. Get ready for this.

That's what the image that comes to my mind is being chucked from a plane. Imagine living on that flight path. Is that not right? March, it happened again. You say that, and it sounds much more reasonable than what I'm about to say. Okay. Oh, no. Skybarrel, it's a funeral practice in which a human corpse is placed on a mountaintop to decompose

while exposed to the elements or to be eaten by scavenging animals. especially birds. Oh, vultures. It's a type of excarnation, which means the burial practice of removing flesh and organs of the dead, leaving only the bones, and it's practiced in parts of China, Tibet,

Nepal and Mongolia, often by monks. And pretty much the function of the sky burial is to simply dispose of the remains in as generous a way as possible. That's great. That sounds like you're really... That's quite nice. You've got this warped perception.

Have you seen the photos that I've seen? Don't look at the photos. Of these birds chewing on a ribcage, then you will not think it's as okay as you think it is. It's like all of these photos are horrible. Don't look at the photos. They're all involving dead bodies. The body isn't just left out on the mountain.

It's disassembled. So there's a team of people that cut them up, like a butcher that cuts open, and then the birds come in and then start eating. Great. You don't think that's as gross as... I think that's really gross. I mean, it is if you're aware of it at all.

but if you're dead, it's fine. I can't move past pack in the ass, though. That's the worst for you? Right. You started big. At the end of this episode, we're going to do a ranking from best to worst. Okay, great. Okay.

How about being shot into outer space? Oh, yes. Yes. Well, that's easily the best. If I can afford that, yes. Big time. Space burial refers to the launching of a portion of cremated remains into outer space. You've lost me.

I want shot out of a cannon. Full body. Full body. I want to be wearing a suit that's like an Elvis suit that's got stars all over it and a matching helmet. And then I just want to go, once I hit like the point, I don't know what, and then I just explode. And over my, over my crotch, I want it to say, I come in peace. But is it, is, how's cum spelt? Oh, with a you.

Okay. Very good. And on my ass, I want it to say, no cotton. Cotton free ass. Cotton free ass. No, if you want to go into space, so they take a little bit, they put it in a container. It can either orbit around the Earth, so you can go to the moon, or continue into deep space and just go forever. But it's not scattered in space, it just stays inside the container.

So you just keep flying on. Nah, bullshit. I like the idea of this because I believe that somewhere, you know, there's going to be, at some point, aliens are going to find your remains. That's why I'm saying, like, the come in peace thing, because you're going to be found. by an alien at some point and then they're going to reanimate you because they've got that's your dream. So why not like you want to be as complete as possible

that's why I wouldn't cremate. Well one of the kings of aliens some would say the first ever space burial occurred in 1992 when the NASA Space Shuttle Columbia took a portion of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry's cremated remains into space but then they took them back

so they went out they didn't leave them out there. Then in 1997, seven more grams of his ashes were launched into space orbit. And now there's more plans to send his more of his ashes along with his wife into deep space next year. But how much is there left of him? His wife's still alive. That's the problem.

That's the interesting part of that. Weird plan, but, all right. Guys, I've gotten, like, I'm so dedicated to this podcast. I've gotten two quotes on how much it will cost you to go into outer space. What the fuck is wrong with you do? You've like live quotes. I've live quoted it. I don't think we should record it.

No, I've sworn a lot on this episode. That's fine. It's been a long week. I don't think swearing's the thing that's going to make people turn this episode off. Good point. All right, so if you... Option one, Matt. Option one, you can do an Earthrise.

One gram of ashes flown high enough to experience zero gravity, then returned back to Earth, and then the container is given back to your loved ones. That'll cost you. $1,295 for one gram. But for $1,000. $12,500. A small price.

Coke's about $350 a gram. And that hasn't gone around orbit, I think. Would you snort a family member, though? Is that a myth? But apparently, it's probably not true. But there was a rumor that Keith, Keith Richards

snorted his old man with some coke. Oh, I think I may have read that. But I don't think that's true. He's all about the image. Yeah, I think so too I think he's a lot of myth To be alive he can't have done drugs lately Surely

He's 95% myth that guy I reckon 5% his dad 5% his dad's ashes But 12 and 1⁄2,000 That's all I need We'll get I've been quoted

I can have one gram of my ashes flown into deep space to continue forever That's what it will call The alien thing 12 and a half grand No but this is a part of your ashes Yeah but the aliens are pretty advanced. Yeah, I don't know if, like, a tiny gram of your ashes.

Would they know? Are they going to see this little thing of powder and go, well, this is someone we could reanimate? They're not. If they saw a body, though, just floating by with I Come in Peace written on it. Yeah. They'd be like, hang on, stop the ship. Message loud and clear has been received.

Get the defibrillators. That's what they call their life-giving things. It's a slightly different thing to our... Defribulators. The whatever our ones are called. defibrillators. That's what we call them here, but the aliens call them defibrillators. Of course, they're much more advanced. Language has evolved to add an R.

Well, no, the technology has been advanced to be able to reanimate corpses. Dave, please. I think he's never heard of alien reanimation technology or something. Read a book. Well, you were talking about a cannon, Jess. Yes, I want to be shot out of a cannon in space. Hunter S. Thompson, famed writer of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. When he died in 2005, he had his ashes, not his body, but all of his ashes, fired from a cannon atop a 47-meter tower, which was shaped like the famous gonzo symbol.

Do you know, gonzo journalism? It's like a red fist or red hand holding a pey button. Red fist is also the symbol of packing an ass with cotton. I knew where you were going and I still very much enjoyed it. That's right, Matt. It's predictable, but very welcome. Very welcome. So he was fired out of a cannon.

A welcome Red Fist. His ashes were fired out of a cannon, 47 metres tall whilst red, white and blue fireworks went off. And according to Thompson's widow, Anita, the whole funeral was paid for... by Johnny Depp. All right, we've got one final thing.

One final possibility for my body. and that is being donated to medical science. Don't remember yourself, Dave, please. Well, if you can think of any others, at the top of the show, you thought there was only two options, and I've shown you there's more. It's too many. I could have my body donated to medical science.

For centuries, medical students have studied anatomy using real human cadavers. The old days, bodies were difficult to find, so people would pay a lot of money for them, so they might steal them from the cemetery, or for a while there, people were going around knocking each other off, and then just giving the body in for a reward. thankfully the Human Tissue Act of 1982 in Australia

quote persons with lawful custody of a body may permit it to undergo anatomical examination unless to their knowledge that has ceased during their lifetime either in writing or verbally in the presence of two or more witnesses express the wish that their body should not undergo such examination

so if you don't want to be examined you say it right now it's on record on this podcast with two witnesses what do you reckon? I would love to be examined. Cheers. Does it work in the episode? Do you want to hear the criteria first?

Because I'm afraid, like I think the, the, you're, not your descendants, but you're remaining, what am I trying to say? The people who. Oh, like the executors. The executors, they, they could, if I said, I really want my body to be donated to science,

say my, what, my partner or whoever. In the future, they said, no, not on. then the living persons say is the one that's taken into account. It feels like I should be able to choose 100% in my way. If you write it down in a will, then it will be your word. But if they don't have any word and then your partner, your next-of-kin, says, nah, then that's it.

They can't have you. But one of the criteria for donating your body is that it must be whole. So excludes people who have had organs removed for organ transplantation, people who have had amputations, or if you've had an autopsy performed on your body. It's got to be intact. You can be an organ donor and donate your body because less than 1% of people who die in hospital in the specific circumstances where you can donate organs.

So chances are, if you're any of you are, organ donor, you're not going to be able to give organs anyway. Really? Yeah, because you've got to be, like, you can't... You've still got to basically be alive on a machine. So you can't be in a car accident, and then two hours later it'd be driven to the hospital. Like, it's got to be straight from you.

They've got to keep blood pump, and three. Yeah, that kind of stuff. Oh, my goodness. Another rule for donating to science is obese and emaciated people are also not accepted because they do not embalm properly, so I'm pretty sure I'm out. I think I'm too thin. Oh, your poor thing.

I can't be embalmed. I'm embalming myself with burgers. Also, institutions will often not pay for the transport of bodies located more than 40 kilometers away, which I think is pretty tired. If you're giving them your body, they should be able to go a cab fare, you reckon? That might have been pre-Uber. You've got to get yourself there. Yeah, that's right.

Uber's much cheaper. Once the body's been accepted, it must be embalmed. Just like before, they put a cocktail of chemicals throughout your body. Then you kept in a fridge for three months. Every part of the body is tagged with a number. And when they are done, the body is returned to your family for cremation or burial. So you still have to make the choice unless some parts can be left for teaching, like a hand or something can be kept in the anatomy museum.

Ew. But do you imagine, like, I know that friends studying medicine or who studied physio and stuff like that that did work with cadavers. Can you imagine how creepy that would be, though? Like, going into class and there's just a body there. And I'd just be so sure that at any second they were going to like, blah! I don't think that will be the case because, like, 95% of them are like 70 or 80 or over. They're not in a pranks. They're too old. You look at them, you're at your age, mate.

Oh. Yeah, yeah. Oh, stop. All right, so that's all the options. After thinking it all through, we've got burial, cremation, being burnt in a pyre, sky burial, getting shot into outer space, being embalmed, buried at sea, being donated to science. Too many. I can't remember them all. So the worst one.

I'm going to start with the worst because of a process of elimination. Yeah, easy. The worst, I sort of feel like is... It's embalming. It's embalming. That is the horrible way to... Open casket. That also leaves out

Donate into science Because they've got to embalmium Yeah, no, don't... Oh, look, that's a... They probably don't pack your anus. Maybe they do. Maybe they just suck it out. No, look...

That tool, they're just their lips, come on. Come on, they're medical students. Yeah. They're getting paid 40 grand a year. Come on, they've got to earn it. No, well, look, I feel more comfortable with it if it's for science and if someone's going to learn something for it rather than just to make some my weirdo relatives.

Look at you for like a 30 minute ceremony. Yeah, that, don't pack my ass for that. Are you putting that on record for your next? I'm putting that on record, please. No open casket for Matt. No, but yeah, the science, I think, is way less messed up. But I feel like if you're going to, anyway, the way I'd rank it is, at one end, it'd be anything that my body could be useful for at all.

And at the other end, it's a packed ass. Facts, that's true. That is exactly right. One end you've got. So the good end. You can use my body and learn something. At the other end, it's for nothing more than vanity in death. My ass is being packed with cotton.

Vanity and a packed fanity. Vanity and a packed vanity. So that's the one you don't want, but which is the one you guys do want? What's what I'm saying? Like the one, anything that... Oh, yeah, space. Space? Big time.

So you've got to be cremated first. Yeah, I'm in a cremation. No, I still want cannon into space, just my full body, but I understand if that's an option. So, yeah, I guess cremated. Cremated then shot into space, one gram at a time. Yes, please. Yeah, look, my idea would be if my body is useful for organs, take them.

If science wants it, take it. If those things are out, cremate me and shoot me in a space. All right, that's two for space. I'm going to say, none of them really appeal to me. And in short, from this, I've learned that I really don't want to die. Yeah, I do not want to die. I don't want any of my loved ones to die. I know.

Yeah. I don't want you guys to die. I don't want people to die. I don't want death to exist. If I do die and I have to choose one, the one that I reckon appeals most to me, controversial perhaps, I reckon is out. Tell me, it's not packing your ass. It's, um, outdoor cremation on one of those pyres. No, Dave.

I reckon, because it's like putting you on a spit. I know, but I hate the, I really, really, really. hate the idea of being put in an oven where other people have been put before me. I don't like the idea of the ashes. I know, I hate it. So just let me just say, if you, on the log fire, it's just you and the wood. That's it. There's no other people in there.

And that's what I like. But you said it's quite bad for emissions. I don't care. I'm dead. But the people you love who have you left behind. The world. But I'm a pretty rare case, I think. Also, what about this day?

And I don't know if it's legal here. I don't think they'd let you do it. What about this? You pay a bit extra. I'd have to convert to Hinduism and then apply, I think. But please, Matt, sorry. What if? I just feel like your best option is getting in first at a new crematorium.

Oh, yes, yes. I want to be the first one in the oven. I didn't even think of that, Matt. That's bloody genius. I read online that you can buy one for as cheap. A crematorium's cheap ones cost $80,000. Maybe I could just buy one in my will. Like, my kids won't inherit a thing, but I buy a cream.

Well, they inherit your ashes and a big old cremator. Yeah, but then they've got a cremator and then they, that's like their new business. Yeah, they can pay for itself. Suddenly they're the guys packing and shoving bodies in the oven. Into the pizza oven. Pizza oven. One at one three double one double six. Oh.

Wow. So, okay, that's, they're my two options. I'm really glad I talk this out loud with you because a lot, all of it, none of it appeals. But I think I'm going to be either first one into the oven at the new cremator. Or burn me on my pyre. At the Warnakee Memorial Crematorium. Well, I hope I haven't ruined everyone's minds. Dave, I feel like you've ruined death for me.

I've finally done it. I've made death scary. Yeah. You've made it unappealing. Yeah, I don't think I want to die now. You don't want to? Thanks, Dave. Sorry, guys.

I just feel like I need to go hug my loved ones. I really, because the most, I feel like a lot of it is I don't really care if I die. But knowing that you're aware of these people who are going through the Pactarses, that is fucking brutal. Well, I did go on a lot about death. And thank you so much for listening to this episode. Maybe tweet us what is your preferred disposal method of your body. Disposal.

We can be found on Twitter at do-goon pod. Do-goon-Pod. Do-goon-Pod. You can also email us Do-goon-Pod. Gmail.com, but I think we're all going to go. Think about what I've done. Are we? You'll leave it there?

Yeah, I think we should. I need a huggy, guys. I'm going to say, somebody hug me. We'll get the theme song of it right here and I'll pep us up. We can't hear it on a podcast. Matt's patting me. It was nice. See you next week.

We'll have an uplifting topic from Matt. Bye. Oh, boy. Yours better be uplifting. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are, and we can come and tell you when we're coming there. Wherever we go, we always hear six months later, oh, you should come to Manchester.

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