Do Go On - 100 - Rasputin

Episode Date: September 20, 2017

We made it to episode 100 and to celebrate Dave reports on Russia's 'Mad Monk' Grigori Rasputin. A simple peasant that would use his sex appeal, charisma and supposed supernatural powers to become one of the most powerful advisors to the Russian royal family. What could possibly go wrong? Recorded live in Melbourne, Matt zones out, Jess finds the audience's limit and Dave humps and head butts a watermelon live on stage. Yep, this one has it a ll.Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPodTwitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPodTwitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serengy Amarna 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Thank you. I thank you so much.

It's almost like we half-rehearsed before. Yeah. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome down to the 100th episode of the Do Go On podcast. Yeah. My name is Dave Warnigy and I'm about to be joined on stage by two of my favorite people in the whole world. We've been together for many a week now. Can you please go crazy for Jess Perkins and Matt. Stuart!

I said Dave, I will not go out there without a rock star welcome. So weird. What are you guys all doing here? No one took these seats either. I would have definitely sat down here. I may well do it. I was going to say, you will at some point. No, I need that area side of stage to do some costume changes throughout the show.

There will be a little bit of nudity if you can see into the nook there. Someone did just ask before when I was at the bar, they go, oh, you got anything exciting plan? And I said, no. And that's the truth. Just got balloons. Yeah, I got balloons. Balloons.

Yeah. Balloons and air conditioning. They don't go together. They don't. And the lady at the shop, Lombards, the paper people in Mooney Ponds, shout out. Why did you get a Mooney Ponds? Because it was close to the studio where I was meeting you guys. Fair enough.

Check's out. Smart. Anyway, she was like, oh, what's the Arcata? What's 100? And I was like, a podcast? And she was like... Yeah, you better believe she stopped asking. Follow up questions.

Okay. Oh well, whatever. Fuck that girl. But it is so great to be here. Thank you so much for coming out, ladies and gentlemen. A hundred weeks, we can't believe it. Though, Matt... You piece of shit.

I went early. I went early on the seat. I went to before and I was like, no, no, no. I won't be the first. Cool, all right. All right. That feels real good. You guys are a pretty hot crowd

of your wooing us sitting on stool, so thank you so much. Easy, please. That's what I like in an audience. Low expectations. This is our 100th episode of the show, though Matt did not fail to remind us that Jess and I have not appeared on all 100.

It's my 100th episode. Please clown for the Donnia. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. We're going to have another live show in two weeks for Dave and I for our 100. That's great. We've also got the 98 balloons out the back. It's going to be great. 98 Luft balloons.

Any old people in? Any old people in? I do want to know who the oldest person here is because we do actually have our youngest... I think it's me. Yeah, probably, yeah. He's interested pointing at you. because we do actually have our youngest ever listener here. We have a three-month-old up the back, Willow.

Is anyone younger than three months? Anyone older than three months? Not me. How the fuck did you all get here? A bunch of two-month-olds here. So we do have a baby on the back. We also have a very special guest in the crowd. Someone who has come a long, long way.

Further than Moody Ponds to get here. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to give a big round of applause. We got this email a few weeks ago saying, oh, hey guys, I really love the show. I'd love to come to the 100th episode, but I live in California. The land that time forgot.

It's real. I'm excited. Who is it? Mark Zuckerberg? Mark Zuckerberg is in the building, everybody. This person has a reality show called Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and they have come a long way. No, we got this email, and they said that they'd love to come to the show,

and they're just trying to save up the money if we could put aside a ticket for them. And we said, yeah, we'll put aside a ticket, but there's no way this person's going to come from California to a show that they can listen to for free and three days. But come they did, ladies and gentlemen, and I'd like you to stand up and take a bow. It's Nestle all the way from California.

Very cool. Very, very cool. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for coming along. He also came to my friend show last night and he was the only one in the front row How does it feel now? Look at this. Don't feel alone.

Yeah, it must feel real nice. It's beautiful, isn't it? The rest of the room was super packed. People are intimidated by me. I'm a pretty full-on presence. Look at Jess. She looks at me like that sometimes. Normally you guys don't get to see it

but her eyes are saying, shut the fuck up. See, he can interpret it, but he keeps talking anyway. It's weird. He knows what he. I'm saying and he doesn't care. He doesn't.

He doesn't. He doesn't. He doesn't. He doesn't. Look that ornate ceiling. Yeah. Oh actually I hadn't noticed the detail. That's beautiful. Hmm. We're in a weird little like, what are we in here? What's this? What's going on?

That is a, so that's a bulkhead. That would probably have some sort of duct work running through it. Former air conditioning salesman. He knows a lot about it. Now, guys, thank you so much for coming out. Now, I assume that most of you have heard the show, but could I have a round of applause

if you've never heard our podcast before? It's okay. You can clap, that's fine. Be so good if Nestor from California, yeah. So a few people you've never mentioned... And that's okay. I saw the hesitation in your face, and that's fine, I understand,

because you expect we're going to pick on you, and we're just genuinely... I will pick on you, your dickhead. Look at this dickhead, hey, everybody! All right, sorry. Look, you've had, before this point you've had 99 opportunities to hear the show. No, thanks so much for coming out.

Now, give us a round of all of all. You have heard the show before. Thank God, Nesta. Good, good. Oh, thank God. Nestor has heard it, okay. Thank you so much. This is a show, I'll direct this at you, where one of us picks a topic

often suggested by listeners of the show. He's not blinking. Icon day, eyes are up here, come on, come on. And... I've lost the spiel. I've lost it. One of us will do a report on a topic suggested by one of the listeners. Wow.

Are we in love now? Is that how that works? I don't think that's the thing. It is my turn to do a report on a topic... Yay! Yeah, we better get going because there is a comedy show coming up here later. We could be here for a while. It's in three hours' time.

I think you'll be okay, Dave. start. We better start. Oh my iPad has reminded me that Do Go 1 100 is today. So luckily I'm here. Thanks iPad. Matt and I were very excited when Dave was like yeah so I've got the reports on and we're like oh fuck we don't have to do reports. Yes. So so so good. Now I've put this topic to the vote there. Our Patreon support has got to vote of three topics. Random applause if you voted on that. Any Patreon people here? Oh beautiful. Beautiful. Hopefully everyone chose what you voted for. there were three topics and one of them got 60% of the vote

so... Do you know what would have been really really funny? If it got 69% of the votes. One of the topics got 69% of the vote. 69. Like the sex thing. I just made eye contact with a bartender and he was like,

you're an idiot. He asked before, what's going on down here? I said a podcast, I said, Oh. You always get that reaction from people. Oh. Cool. So you have a day job.

You go, yeah. Yeah. Now, I've got a question to get us on topic, as we always do. I'm going to hand this over to Matt and Jess, and when they inevitably cannot answer, throw it over to you guys. Brutal, but fair. My question is, is this. which historical figure

is the subject of the 1978 Eurodisco hit by German-based Popfamist. Oh, I know this. I know this. Of course you do. Bonie M. Rasputin.

It is Rasputin. Back off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ra, Ra, Rasputin. I love that you put on a Russian accent they do not put on a Russian accent when they sing the song. What that was? Yeah, alright. That's my normal singing accent, Dave. You have a singing accent? You don't? All right. Of the people that voted,

give us a round of applause if you did vote for Rasputin. Oh good. A couple of you, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. It won 60% of the vote and it's been suggested by 69% of the vote. And it's been suggested by, it's been suggested by, it's been suggested by, it's been suggested by, it's been suggested by, it's been suggested by. by loads of people, so I'm just going to thank them now. Rasputin or Rasputin has been suggested by... Rasputin. Okay, I'm putting it out there now. If you say Rasputin, I get to punch you in the leg. Agreed?

Are you one of the people that say Vladimir Putin? I... You know me in politics. When would I mention that? Fair enough. Probably going Vlad. Rasputin, Rasputin, has... Which I actually believe is more correct. Well, we'll go with those sputin.

Suggested by loads of people, including Adam M, from Boney M, no, I don't know, at Adam M. His Twitter handle is at Ewok to Remember. What playing? No, that's good. Fraser Baxter at Optimal F-Bax. Molly Bird at Cactus Yogurt. Gina Thrap. Thrap.

Thrap, incredible name, and her handle is at Rugger Girl 9. How many Rugger Girls can there be? Uh, nine. Correct. Marty Grievous at Marty Grievous. You got in early. You got him. Sebastian Colligan at Scullig.

Daniel Ryan, the D. D. D. D. Ryan. Oh, yeah. He's frequent tweeter. Are you going to read all of their hands? Oh, there's only two more. Also on email, Abigail Hanson. And one of my best buddies who this time last week I was attending his wedding and he whispered in my ear. How about you to Rasputin? My friend Jace. Congratulations on your wedding last weekend.

There you are. I just pointed at the wrong man. There you are. My best buddy. My best friend in the whole world. So here we go. Rasputin, apart from the song, do you guys know much about Rasputin?

I've seen Anastasia. Is it yet? Anastasia was in the singer that wore those pink glass. in the late 90s. Come out of love. Set me free. No, the movie. Oh, the best bit of that song.

Nailed it. That was my singing accent for you, Matt. Danezhy accent is Amistasia. My singing accent is shithouse. All right. So Matt, do you know much about the man, the magic? Yeah, fur hats. Had a tiny pet bat named Bartok.

Did he like... He danced like... He danced, like, kicking his legs out with his ass really close to the ground. Is that him? With these ass really close to me. Can you show us what you mean? Yeah, no, I'm not sure what you mean, Matt. Could you demonstrate?

You've got to have a... No. Well, you know what I'm... You're like, say I'm... They're like... You know, and they're using them. Like the... No, I'm not sure what you're talking about.

Nah. Ra, rah, rasput. All right, so I'll get into the... report then it's because it sounds like you guys know everything about him anyway but I've seen Anastasia I'm a new Get me free Great track no it's not Did she have any other songs

Left Outside Alone To be left outside alone Get it's called out here Thank you He answered way too quickly He's wearing an Anastasia t-shirt Right now Good one sorry I forgot about left outside alone

She's had two songs. How many of you have Jess? Sir, if you know any others. Are you googling it right now? No. I don't know, sick and tired. Give us a bar. That's sick and brilliant.

That was awesome. Look, I don't often say this, but that was possibly almost as good as what I did. Nearly. He doesn't often say that. He's really up himself. Right. Gregori, Rasputin.

Rasputin. Sorry. What's his first name? Gregori. Gregory. Well, it's got an eye in there. Still Gregory, isn't it? All right.

Jess and I was Gregory. Greg. Greg. Greg. Yeah, let's go on Greg. All right, Greg. Born into... Not so scary now, is he?

Stinky Greg. Yeah, he's in the Wiggles. I am... That's two words of this 3,000 words. Greg was born into a peasant family in Siberia Russia in January 1869. A good year. Yes. A sex year. Regret face. A sex year. We've never said that. And it doesn't make sense.

I forgot your catchphrase. I thought that's what it was. A sex year. A sex year. That does sound like something I would say. Fair enough. He was born into a tiny village. It's actually unpronounceable. And in the middle of nowhere. I'll put it on the map for you. It's just above, imagine where Kazakhstan is.

Do you guys know geography? North of that, about 2,000k east of Moscow. Oh, yep. Yeah, no, got it. Anywhere near Turkmenistan. Yes, north of there. Okay, great.

Now I get it. He was originally Christian. Christian. Christian. Grigory Yefimovic. Nubik. And his father,

Effam. Ephem. Effem. Effim. Effim. Ephem. Effim was a peasant farmer and church elder who... He farmed peasants.

A hundred weeks together. 98. That's all. A peasant farmer and a church elder, who's very religious man, who married Rasputin's mother, Anna. Anna. I was about to talk to my beer. Surely that's Anna.

Surely that's Anna. No, if it's one end. It's double N. Double N. Double N, that's Anna. Anna. I've got an Anna here, and she gets real pissed off when people say Anna. Just a fun fact for you.

Wanted to mention that I have a friend. Good on you. Prove it. Anna. Anna. Matt's already put himself to the timeout. He still has a mic, though, so. The couple, this is Ephem and Anna, had seven other children,

all of whom died in infancy or early childhood. Seven other children. Eight kids. Eight kids. Question is, do they know what was causing? Do they know? Do they know? Sex.

Not much is known about Greg's childhood, other than the fact that despite attending school, the peasant man remained illiterate well into adulthood. The peasant man. That's mean. He wasn't just calling him Greg. Local archival records suggest that he had somewhat of an unruly youth,

possibly involving drinking, small thefts. and disrespecting local authorities. Sounds like you, Matthew. But there is no evidence of him being charged with stealing horses, blasphemy, or other major crimes that he was later rumoured to have committed as a young man. That's just getting changed.

He's literally doing a costume change. It's really hot in here. So take half all your clothes. I am getting so high. I want you to go on with the report, please, Dave. To be honest, I prefer Anastasia songs, so that's where I'm at my life. Somewhere along the track, reputation for Gregory's licentiousness, aka being promiscuous and unprincipled in sexual matters.

Licentiousness. May have heard him the surname Rasputin, which is Russian for debauched one. So Greg the slut. Greg the slut. Or, I will pose his caveat that some historians believe, Rasputin means where two rivers meet. Much like sluts. A phrase that describes

an area where he was born in Siberia, but that's really, really boring. So we're going to go with slums. We're going to go with that. It's much more fun to talk about how even as a young man he gained a reputation as a rake. A man with a debauched an endless sexual appetite. And also collector of leaves.

I can't confirm that is also true He's so happy with yourself over there, aren't you? Come on, come back. Oh, costume change number one. Yeah, I said there was nothing special happening, but... You're all right. Your special thing is wearing a T-shirt. You know, these guys put in efforts, so I thought I should as well.

Okay. Fair, do go on. At the age of 18 Rasputin underwent a religious conversion He ended a monastery with the intention of becoming a monk Where he may have learned to read and write But after a few months he left presumably to get married To a peasant girl that he had been courting

Her name, Praskovia Prescovia Okay, have I nailed that Every other name you've picked me up on so far Well done, David. Thank you, Prescovia At the age of 19 he wed Prescovia and they later had five children, three of whom lived.

So three is fine, weak. We won't make, like, three's okay, right? What happened at the other two? They did not live. That makes sense. That doesn't make sense. Thank goodness, but in 1893, Rasputin described it to leave his family to travel.

Just to take a gap year to find himself. A gap year from a family. Guys, no, that makes sense. Just going to be away for a year. Yeah. I need to find myself. I've met a couple of Greg the sluts on Contekees in my time. Yeah.

Never been on one, but I, you know, it sounded funny. And then I thought, I don't want people thinking I've been on a Contiki tour. And ruin your incredible reputation. So he's suddenly traveling. He suddenly had a keen interest in religion. Some suggest this was because he'd had. had a vision of the Virgin Mary, others say he just needed to skip town

to avoid punishment for stealing a horse. Let's go with the horse option. Either way, he was now pretty religious. Stealing a horse will do that. Yeah, exactly. It'll change it. It'll change it. Stealing a horse on Kentucky Tour will really change to you.

Matt, am I right? Yes. I know. Damn it. He left home and wandered to Mount Athos in Greece and then to Jerusalem. And I say wandered, but that is a 4,300 kilometre. That's quite a wander. You know when you're with your mum on a Sunday? She goes, let's go for a wander.

That's not a wander. Let's go to Mount Athos. Yeah. No, Mum. Not again. I'm not going to Mount Athos, Mom. Mount means sets. Possibly, that's why Russ Newton went there in the first place.

Regret face number one. That's like number three. Do go on, is this Pat nice and patronising? Yes. Thank you. On his wanderings, on his several thousand kilometreings, he lived off the peasants,

off peasants' donations. Wait. Oh my God. Presumably, don't have a lot of money. And then he's taking money from them. Because he started to get a reputation as a self-proclaimed holy man with the ability to heal the sick

and predict the future. Self-proclaimed anything. fucked. Like you can be anything if you just say you are. I'm the queen of England. What? Self-recllaimed. Self-reclamed. I'm the self-recllaimed

queen of England and you are all my subjects. Now, but you sound a little bit doubtful about him being able to have these paranormal activities. You doubting that? I'm a little doubtful, yes. Well, let me just say that my favorite sentence written about recipes that I could find is from Orthodox Wikipedia.

The encyclopedia and it Information Centre for Orthodox Christianity. I've been using regular Wikipedia. No, no, you haven't lived until you've gone orthodox. It says... That's the best. Sorry. And you'll find

such nuggets of information as this. Quote, during his youth, Rasputin gained a reputation of supernatural powers which he allegedly when he allegedly identified a horse thief by paranormal powers. That guy's taking that horse.

And then it has no information or any sources to back that up. So his reputation is, yeah, horse thief, bang. He's pretty good at this. He's pretty good. Wow. I'm sorry, I doubted at him. And he also looked at the part. He started to wear the robes of a monk.

And he accepted God, but not in the same way that hardline monks of the day did. Rasputin was more convinced that God is all about pleasure and fun, which is unlike any religious person I ever. The rigidness of a normal monkhood was alien to him. To quote another strange website, wedge site, it practically is, it's Petersburg mystichistory. info. What?

Petersburg. Peter'sberg. It did sound like... You heard penisberg too, right? I was like, no, that's not a website. Did anyone end up buying bumhouse.com? Because if you have... A its sister website could be Pinosburg,

Mystery, History, Impo. Penisberg. Don't like that. Penisberg writes, quote, he loved wine, women, music, dancers, long and interesting conversations.

Ah, that's his Tinder profile right there. Hey guys, I'm all about Hussein, women, interesting conversations. Just like a long chat. Let's just chat. Let's get to know each other.

And then all about crazy, promiscuous sex. That's what Tinder's about is. He returned to his village A changed man Now looking dishevelled And behaving differently than he had before He was now rocking a sweet beard

Deshevelled You do that genuinely Very often And it's concerning No, good on you, all right He was also Matt a vegetarian Starting to describe out here But one thing that's

you apart from Rasputin is he started to swear off alcohol. Oh, you know. Nah. I swear on alcohol. You fucking dickhead. Yay.

See, I changed the meaning of swear there. For humorous effect. Arguably. Swearing of alcohol did not last long for Rasputin and he went back into drink.

It never does. Anytime anybody's like I'm... It's usually after a hung up. A hangover, a hungover, a hangover. Like, I'm never drinking again. I'm never doing it. And the next weekend, it's like, woo-hoo! Anyway.

I did that this morning. Never drinking again. Never doing it. He made a living as a mystic, and whilst his main home was still in his home village, he went on lots of pilgrimages. So he's now a fly-in, fly-out pilgrimage kind. Yes, I wrote that down.

And when you wrote it, presumably three weeks ago because you're very organised with these. You wrote it, right? You wrote it and then you went... Am I right? Yeah, which is pretty much the reaction I got from the live crowd too.

I get it. It's not good, but I get it. No, good on you go. Thank you so much. Throughout his travels, a world of Rasputin's activity and charisma began to spread in Siberia during the early 1900s. He acquired a reputation as a wide,

and perceptive starets, which is a holy man, who could help people resolve their spiritual crises, and anxieties. Oh. So he's a calmer. He's a calm guy. This is a chill dude. He's super chilled.

And he started to acquire a bit of a posse that travelled with him. And despite rumours that Rasputin was having sex with most of his female followers, he won over church officials, and his charisma and apparent healing powers even impressed a local, powerful bishop named Chrysanthanos. This is sounding quite a bit like Charles Manson too. He yelled with his dick. It's a bit culty, isn't it? It's a little bit culty.

Yeah, I really thought he was a dancer, but he had a, I thought he was a cartoon villain, so we were both wrong. Matt, if I can refer you to Pinosburg Mystery History.com. He loved wine, women, music, dancers. Yeah, all right. I can dig this guy. Sounds like you're reading up my own biography.

also found on Orthodox Wikipedia So he's got He's a befriended a local bishop Who gave him a letter of recommendation To a powerful person In the church in St. Petersburg The Big Smoke And it was arranged for him to wander over

In 1903 to St. Petersburg Another 2.5,000 kilometre A wander And his not a wander His main reason for going to the big city Was to raise money To build a monastery in his village Okay

That's what he's going to build a monastery. A brothel. Actually, yes. The court circles and upper classes of St. Petersburg at that time were entertaining themselves by delving into mysticism and the occult, so when Rasputin rocks up, a filthy, unkempt wanderer with extraordinary eyes. Oh. And supposed healing and fortune-telling talents,

he was warmly welcomed by the aristocracy. What's so extraordinary about his eyes? Do they shoot laser beams? like this sort of beo, beo, that's extraordinary. Otherwise, not impressed.

Well, it's going to be hard to impress you now. You just had these beautiful sort of green eyes that would

stare into your soul. Much like... But I have blue eyes. No, yours are pretty good. She's got good eyes, guys. Take it from me if you're up the bank, you can't see shit.

Sorry about that. She got here earlier. I like it when Dave turns. It's fun, isn't it? It goes from like game show host to fuck you. Fuck you. It's like, okay, all right. Who will I like kill next?

You. No, you're all right. You're okay. You're all good. I love you all. I love you all. How you doing a bit of love up in the back there? Give him some love in the back row. Guys, just work in the room here, don't mind me. Nice.

So he's a big hit with the... Matt's signed out. Hang on, let's get him back. He's a big hit with the upper classes. But you probably only stayed a few months on this initial visit at St. Petersburg. But he made quite a splash there and was invited back in 1905.

Oh, he was invited. Oh, I do. He has come back. Are there many cities now that are invite only? Yeah. That'd be cool. I was going to say the capital of North Korea, but then I remembered I don't know what it is.

Pyongyang. Pyongyang. Nail bit. Nailed it. Because it would have been real good. We have been invited over to the first ever North Korean podcast festival. Still waiting to decide we're into it, I'm not. Dave, is that true?

Yeah, yeah, it is. Dave, have we been invited there? Yeah, we have, personally. Dave, I don't want to go. Dave, don't make me go. You have got nice eyes. It's first time he's ever looked at him. Yeah, it really nice.

Over the time, over time, now he's back in St. Petersburg. He's moving up the ranks, and he's formed friendships with several members of the aristocracy. Up the ranks of his own cult? Oh, the aristocracy. Oh, no. He's meeting royals now, including the black princesses, as I recall. Melissa and Anastasia of Montenegro. Anastasia. She's hard in love.

Can you think of a fourth Anastasia track? No, that's it. Yeah. You knew that question's coming. She did a version of Elton John's Saturday. Did she? How would that go? Saturday.

Saturday. Sounded more like Elton. Do it more like Anastasia. Repeat a hundred times. That's how that was on you guys. Let's say a Saturday a hundred times. Anyway, he's met the Black Princess. They're married to the Tsar's cousin, or the Tsar's cousins,

and were instrumental in introducing Rasputin to Tsar Nicholas II and his family. Dazar of course being the king of Russia. I know. My face is blank because I'm bored. Not because I don't know. I've got to get through the admin before we can get to more sex and killing. All right.

No, you're doing great. I'm just recognizing these names from Anastasia and I'm excited to start filling in the blanks with my knowledge. Look, okay, when you first mentioned Anastasia, I thought, I've seen that. And then I imagined the movie Fantasia. I was like...

Very similar. Where was Rasputin? Where was he? Rasputin was dancing with the mall? Oh, yeah. That's right. That's how I know him. That's how I know him.

Anyway, so he's met the king. Zah. The Tsar. Sir. Tsar. Tia. Zah, Nick. Nicholas II.

Rasputin first met the Tsar in November 1905 at the Peter Hoth Palace. The Tsar recorded the event in his diary, writing a few days ago, I received a peasant. Dear diary. Dear diary. It's me.

Sir Nicholas again. As you know, this is my diary. Received a peasant as a gift? I received a peasant. Or sexually. Oh. Well, he did bring a gift. I received a peasant from the Tbilisk district.

This is a classic russian accent. Gregori Rasputon, who brought me an icon of St. Simon. Simon Vchuh. He made a remarkable... Sorry, I missed that part, sorry. Sin Simon Vakouk. Oh, yeah.

Again, authentic. He made a remarkably strong impression both on Her Majesty and myself so that instead of five minutes our conversation went on for more than an hour. More than ha. End quote.

Sorry. Thank your diary. Good night. It's Zarniklaus, by the way. Love, love. Bye-bye. Oh, I'm so bad at ending these. Oh, ugh.

Okay, bye Oh, too much. Oh, now my diary thinks I'm clinging. I don't know what you wouldn't do that diary, but I like. You know what I text you and do a little XX? That's what I'm actually doing. Matt is in shock. So he's made a good impression on the...

The Rasbid would not meet the Tsar and his wife again for some months. He returned to his town shortly after their first meeting and did not return to St. Petersburg until the following year. However, he started writing several letters to the Tsar. Oh, yeah. Dear Rasputon, this is I, Zah, Nicholas, I do wish you would come at once. I left the oven on and I don't know how to turn it off.

I am a king, I do not usually turn on the oven. I was trying to bake cookies for when you visited. I got nervous. Do you like cookies? I've burnt down several of the Royal Palace's best rooms. Love, Tsar Nicholas. P.S. It's Tsar Nicholas, by the way. He's real clingy.

He's so clingy. Hey, cool, man, Jesus. Treat to me and keep him keen. Dear Esputon, visit or don't, whatever. Don't care. Signed, anonymous. Does he see my face on the mic? So sorry. So sorry.

All right, guys. Man, you have zoned right out, haven't you? It's really hot in here. Matt, do you want to take those pants off? Yeah, he only has one other layer, so he's done. Fuck. You guys not feeling... No, I dressed appropriately.

Can you try to concentrate? Yeah, yeah. All right, thanks, mate. All right, guys. Here's a serious bit. The Tsar... Nicholas the second, and his wife, the Sarina... Fuck off.

They called the Sarin. I didn't know that. Fuck off. Sarina. Don't like it. Sarina. No, I don't like it. They had five children together. The youngest and only male, and therefore next in line to the throne,

Alexi, was born in 1904 with hemophilia. Hemophilia is a mostly inherited genetic disorder that impairs the body's ability to make blood clots. A process needed to stop bleeding. So we can't stop bleeding. I know, yeah, I know. I know most people probably know what hemophilia is, but just in case, I put that in there

because I'm going to talk about it for about 10 minutes. Why? Because at the time, hemophilia was referred to as the royal disease. This was because across Europe... What would it be now? Chlamydia. Would it? What do they all got?

A lot of them. Even the little ones. Oh. That was too far. It's good to know where the line, though. The line moves, I feel. I can't say back because it got chlamydia. anymore.

PC police going on. I'm mad. It's a nanny steak. Open your eyes, sheeple. Sorry, Willow. So it was referred to as the Royal Disease. This is because across Europe

it seemed that every King and Queen at the time were descendants of Queen Victoria, who herself had nine children. The question, of course, being, do they know what was causing it? And I've actually written that down here. You really did. Oh, that's sweet. Could it be the inbreeding?

Yes. A little of that, and also her children married European royalty across the continent, which for a time was a good thing as it was seen at the time that family would be less likely to go to war with each other, which until 1914 was true. A side effect. History buffs, what's up? A side effect of all being related.

Yes, I did just say history buffs what son. Can't believe it. Let it out, Jess. No, no. He has to earn it. A side effect of all being related is that you are susceptible to sharing the same genetic disorders. So three of victorious children had hemophilia, and then they passed it on to their kids in the royal families of Spain, Germany and Russia.

So, Sir Nicholas II, his only male heir is a baby that suffers from a disease that makes even a small wound make you likely to... to plead to death and at a time where medical science isn't that great. It's a really worrying thing, so he's really worried about that. They have like just every room, band-aids. A packet of band-aids in every room, quick-accent. They had them, yeah? They have the tough strip ones.

They're good. They will not come off. They're so good. Not the plastic shit-out. No, fuck those off. Those are the ones with pictures of the wiggles on. That I definitely didn't have. I definitely did.

They're perfect for fingers. And as a nail biter, perfect. It's a fun. It's not all comedy. Some of it's biographical and sad See the line You never know Sometimes they hate me, sometimes they pity me

I'll take anything I want to feel something This is all at a time This is all at a time where the Tsar was already in hot water Because he just lost a war over in Japan That everyone thought Russia was definitely going to win And actually they were annihilated And they lost their whole Russian bulting

Baltic fleet. They lost it. They lost it. Sean Connery was in charge and they lost every single ship. The shipmarines fared even worse. I'm really happy I found

some ass words there. So stuff's not going well for him with the people. It's not going well at home. His kid's very sick. His diary's like, dude, back off. You know, it's just a all round. Please, live me big. The biggest concern is that Alexi's

going to die and the Royal Docks Royal doctors think that it's likely that this baby's not going to live and it's the only male there, so he's really worried about that. So the doctors could not help Alexi. So the Sarina, the mother, Alexandra, looked everywhere for help, ultimately turning to her best friend and lady-in-waiting, Anna, probably Anna, to secure the help of the charismatic peasant healer Rasputin in 1905.

So they sent out a letter, they're like, we need to help. And he arrived at the palace and went to work on the boy straight away. And to everyone's amazement, the bleeding seemed to. to stop for some time. I don't know how long. It didn't stop, it seemed to. It kept going. Oh, it stopped, no, I'm wrong, I'm sorry, it's bleeding.

That red stuff, that's blood. Thanks for coming back in for that. Now some historians have speculated that the bleeding likely stopped as a result of Rasputin's insistence on disallowing medicine and they were giving him aspirin at the time. which is a known blood thinning agent that would have made you bleed even more.

And I'm an idiot and I know that. Anyway, no, good on your doctors. Thanks for coming back in for that, Jess. They like it when you're mean. All right, well get ready, motherfuckers. Okay, here we go. Bad boy is a diggle on podcast over there. Yeah, that's right, Dickhead.

I walked right into that, I did. More where that came from. Fuck's Dick. What's this gesture you do? What's that? Why are you doing that? Whenever I've got my own thing, Jess, you have to shoot it down. People are starting to say, we're doing the mat.

and here you come along and make it seem less cool than it is. Thank you very much. That's the Jess. Just shitting all over people's dreams. I have a dream. It goes like this. It's a dumb dream.

And Bindy Irwin's a bitch. It's a deep cut. Does that mean anything to you at all? We just don't have time. Yeah, sorry. But you get it, right? Like, she's so patronising. Oh.

Hi, everyone. Fuck off. We tried to make Jess's life a bindi free zone because she gets real angry. Get real mad. Shut up, you don't... Fuck. She's so annoying.

Anyway. I'm ready for you to move on now. Sorry to interrupt your little rant there with some facts, but here we go. The other theory is that Resputin may have just calmed down the boy. with hypnosis. Ah. Can't him down so then, you know,

stop struggling, stop bleeding. The other theory is, he's magic. We all know which one we're going for. To the person who mattered the most in this situation, the boy's mother's, the sarina, she was amazed, and immediately enlisted the services of Rasputin as a close advisor. So suddenly he's in.

He's in with the royal family. Upon leaving the palace, he warned the parents that the destiny of both the child and the dynasty were irrevocably, linked to him, thereby setting in motion a decade of Rasputin's powerful influence on the imperial family and the affairs

of stank. So that's just as he left. So as he left, he throws that at them. Guys, thank you so much for having me. It has been absolutely delightful. Those cookies were amazing. Thank you so much, San Nicolas. By the way, if you ever crossed me, your son's going to die. Bye! Is that how it went? Do you have a transcript?

Do you have a transcript then? That's pretty much exactly what happened. And they bought it. They bought his bullshunders. He's now, he's in with the top dogs. So in, and in the presence of the royal family, Rasputin, he's a smart guy, he consistently maintained the posture of a humble and holy peasant in front of them.

The posture. The posture. Oh yeah. Yeah. My back hurts. Outside court, however, he soon fell into his former licentious habits. Preaching that... I don't like that word. This is what he preaches.

He preaches that physical contact with his own person had a purifying and healing a fact. effect. Thereby acquiring many mistresses and many women wanting to seduce him because they think that he's some sort of magic man. Sure. Okay. He's like if you have sex with me, you'll be cool. Does that work? Asking for a friend. I have magical powers. I'm going to say something really gross there and I stopped myself. That's growing up. What were you going to say you have a... Magical Puss. Yeah, see I stopped myself and it was the right choice. And then I said it anyway.

And that was the wrong choice. Do you see where I went wrong guys? Yes. Many women were keen to experience his purifying effect. But one thing I will note here is that Rasputin continued to see his family. His daughters later lived with him in St. Petersburg and he supported his wife financially. Oh man. Some people just make it all work, you know?

You can have it all. You know, a good relationship with your kids, but you're very absent. and you can just fuck anything that moves. But your wife's not bad, aren't you? She ain't mad. When accounts of Rasputin's conduct reached the ears of Nicholas, the Tsar, the Tsar was refused to believe

for the man he referred to as our friend and our holy man, a sign of trust that the family had placed in him, they could do any wrongs. He's like, no, I'm not my guy. No, he'd never do that. He's not a slut at all. And anyone who pointed the finger at Rasputin

had backfired for them because he's accuseders found themselves transferred to remote regions of the empire or entirely removed from their positions of influence. So you couldn't badmouth him. The Tsarina was particularly close to the Rasputin and began to believe that God was speaking to her through him. I've missed so much. What is happening?

You've been here the whole time. Where do you go? Where do you go? My lovely... Where are you? He's a peasant farmer, right? Yeah, he's a magic man. He's got a magic penis.

Okay, okay. Does that explain? Now that he says it, I hear it. I hear how gross that is, sorry. Are you on board now? I think so. Magic dick. Yeah, all right. Back on board?

Back on board? All righty, welcome back. With that two phrase, two word phrase, we've explained everything so far on the podcast. While fascinated by Rasputin, the St. Petersburg elite... ...chicken and lick pie. Oh my god, I love that. We lost him. He's gone.

Sorry, where am I? The St. Petersburg elite did not widely accept Rasputin. He did not fit in with the rest of the royal family, and he and the Russian Orthodox Church had a very strained relationship, accusing him of a variety of immoral or evil practices. At one point, people complained to Tsar Nicholas. to Tsar Nicholas some powerful people and they sent Rasputin away for a couple

of months but then he's boy got sick again so they brought him back and after that they never mentioned anything again. He could pretty much do anything you wanted from that point. He could do anything or anyone he wanted. Anyone. So anyway the Saat wasn't doing anything to stop him but the

people of Russia were starting to talk between 1906 and 1914 various politicians and journalists use Resputants association with the Imperial family to undermine the dynasty's credibility and push for reform, making the royals less and less popular. So they start publishing all these articles in newspapers and they have cartoons of Rasputin

and everyone's like, oh, if the royals are into that kind of weird stuff, then maybe we're not into the royals. Sure. Do you know what? If somebody posted an article about the royals being really into like bondage, I'd like the more. You know? You're on board?

I'd just be like, oh, they're people. Can you imagine, just picture because the queen must watch Netflix You know, like, she's got downtime She watches the Crown She's like, this is fucking wrong I didn't say that shit It's not true

But just imagine her like sitting in bed Just watching Netflix Like she's just a person, she poos No, she does not How dare you? Blasphemous There'd be a time in history where you'd be executed for saying that

I'm just saying. And I think we should bring it back, personally. So it's funny when he's made. Okay, yeah, cool. Finding the line. Finding the line. That's right. I'm allowed to threaten anyone I want this fucker ride here.

No, you're cool. Love you. Hey, Dave, which one's your best mate? Oh, no, the Anastase... Sorry, Jason, I went to his wedding, but the guy that knows Anastasia. For sure. Afterwards, I'll show you my Anastasia.

stage the song Saturday with Elton John will have a great time. We can cue that up, right? So he's in with the top dogs. People are publishing shit about him. And then in 1914, tensions and rivalries across Europe are boiling over, and out of nowhere, World War I is declared. What? War is declared, and then it all...

The first one. It kicks off. The First World War. Huh. And they were like... Never heard of it. I had, that's the joke. It's very good.

I actually wasn't surprised. And as Russia entered World War I, Rasputin predicted that calamity would befall the country. And he was right because Russia was very unprepared. Okay. And it's kind of a bit of... They had one grenade. Are we good? I don't know.

How many million people would this hand grenade kill? Two million? That's not enough. I'm going to need at least five more hand grenades. And also a big part of Russia being in the war It's because it was Sir Nicholas's fault So people are pretty pissed off about that Because they're not ready for that

Dear Diary Made a bit of a whoopsie Well he took command of the Russian army himself That's never a good idea Who of a highly trained generals It is I the Tsar Me and my diary will lead this war Diary what should I do

he's gone completely mad by this time well why he's away commanding the war the sarina took responsibility for domestic policy always typical put the woman in the domestic role now she's sort of in charge of the cleaning

at home room the sandwiches for the whole country buying easy off bam when they run out how many peasants were this hand grenade feed 2 million That's not enough How you doing over there Matt

That was very good Thank you To be honest Deserved more But More than you're Ah If Matt makes any noise

I'm like I got one I got one It's like a weird crow in here Ah I'm not gonna laugh The rest of the pod

I'm gonna do that I'm waiting for you What are you got? Oh no. Is that you peeing the crow? I don't know. All right. You okay?

I don't know. Okay. So Matt, if I could just sum it up for you because you've probably zoned out the last 10 minutes. They're now in World War I. Zah Nicos is away. His wife's now in charge

and her closest advisor is Rasputin. And everyone's like, hey, you should get rid of that guy they're starting to refer to as the mad monk. And all the government officials are trying to warn her that he's a bit crazy. But she continues to defend him and then he becomes her number one advisor. And how he's really powerful?

That's a terrible idea. It's a really bad idea. And I've seen the film. He's a baddie. He's got a little tube thing with like glowing green demons in it. No. But an adorable pet bat called Bartok.

He's so cute. It all evens out, near. Yeah, so it's fine, actually. I was too hard on him. He was he the mad monk, because they called Tony Abbott the mad monk. He was the original. Yeah, there's room enough in this world for two mad monks. Wow. That's the first impressive fact you've brought today.

One per show, that's all we're contractually obligated to do. So I'm happy with that. So they don't like it when you're mean to him. Interesting. Interesting. Say something mean to me. Go on. Let's just try. Is that really your hair? They love it

Wrecked Don't snap to me again We're going to talk about this off the pod I know I'm very mad at you You know this is my hair I talk about it all the time Like hi guys this is my hair He never listens

Dave is this my hair They never listen I just don't want to say wrong thing. So he's now in charge and he's actually, he's so in charge. He's so in charge. He's actually making recommendations for ministerial appointments and that's pissing up everyone.

He's continuing on the side. Appointments like you're Tuesday at 3.30 or? No, like, you can be the queen. You can be the prime minister. You can have my Tuesday at 3.30 appointment. So he's Oprah. Yeah. There's room enough in this world for two mad monks and two operas. Okay, there we go.

He was very busy because he was managing to keep his drunkenness and affairs with women of all social backgrounds going on on the side, from street sex workers all the way to society ladies. He was everywhere, and he was constantly in the papers for this scandalous behaviour. I will say, Rasputin's wife, however, appeared untroubled by his infidelities, commenting, he has enough for all. Ew. Oh yeah.

No, I don't like that. What are they talking about specifically there? We're talking about jizim? He's got enough jizz for all. You get some jizz. You get some jizz. Everybody get some jizz! Do not check under your seats.

Oh my God. No good. Nah, give a little tap. Sorry, guys, sorry. That's enough. Come on. So people are pissed off at Rasputin. They're also pissed off at the Sarina for bringing him in. They're also annoyed at her, suspicious of her,

because she's actually Anglo-German descent, aka the enemy at the time. And she was accused of being a spy for Germany. And soldiers on World War once Eastern Front apparently spoke of Rasputin having an intimate affair with Alexandra, the Sarina. No, he wouldn't. He's got boundaries, you know?

These days it's actually considered they didn't have an affair, but at the time, people are thinking that that's what's going on. They're talking about that. Thanks to clarifying, Jess. For people at home, she's doing the finger dick into the hand mutt. Yuck. So while rumors were being published, everyone was talking. something had to be done about this Rasputin.

Oh, okay. What's to be done about this homestine? What are they going to do? What are they going to do? In 19, what are you reckon about, place on bets? 15. I was still thinking about the hand. What was the question?

Oh, he's always thinking about the hand. Something had to be done about Rasputin. I'll tell you, in 1914, a 33-year-old peasant woman attempted to assassinate Rasputin by stabbing. him in the stomach outside his home. He was seriously wounded. Why the stomach? Well, his intestines apparently were hanging out of the wound.

That's how bad he was. Okay, so she did all right. She did it. And for a time, it was not clear if he would survive the attack. But after a local doctor performed emergency surgery in his home, and after some time in hospital, he recovered fully from the attack, and this led to his legend growing.

Perhaps he couldn't die. Nah, I reckon he can. And will. I see it or not welcome Is that the dance? Rusputin was aware of the dangers he was in In 1916 he wrote a letter to the Tsarina

and made a prediction about his own death Dear Zarina If I am killed by her common assassins And especially by my brothers The Russian peasants You, the Tsar of Russia, have nothing to fear Remain on your throne and govern But if I am murdered by

Boyers or Nobles And if they shed my blood their hands will remain soiled with my blood for 25 years. They will not wash their hands from my blood. So what he's saying is, if a peasant takes me out, you'll be fine, but if a rich person takes me out, you're fucked.

But 25 years. Of fucked. But like, you think you'd... You could threaten forever, you know? I'm happy you went 25 and not like 27. That would drive me fucking crazy. But... For 21 and a half years,

I'd be like, I'm going back in time and killing you right now. Fuck you. But 25's fine. 25. So some people think he can't die. Enter a man named Felix Yusipov. Yusipov.

Yusuf. Felix was already good. You know? I was already like, yeah, Felix. Yusufov. Felix Yusufov. That's great. An extremely wealthy man who was husband...

Where are you? I'm in my mind. I'm in the place he's talking about. Which is? No, Rasputin. All right. I can't argue with that. You're in Rasputin.

Felix... Oh, who wasn't in Rusputin? Story's full of it. Felix Yusupov is an extremely wealthy man who was husband to the Sarsni. So he's a slight royalty. His family were wealthier than the royal family and possibly the richest family in all of Russia.

Nice. He managed to avoid enlisting during World War I due to being an only son, which is a loophole in Russia at the time. And he was criticized for being a... coward. A relative wrote of him, Felix, is a downright civilian, dressed all in brown. Virtually doing nothing. Brown? Scum colour. Yeah, because he's fucking pooed his pants. He's a coward.

Virtually doing nothing, an utterly unpleasant impression he makes. A man idling in such time. So he's worried everyone's talking about how he's a massive coward. So he decided to try and win back some pride for the family and the monarchy by killing the man that was tainting their image. Rasputin. Oh, okay. plotting Rasputin's murder That's the guy we've been talking about Oh yeah

Yeah I get it Which is not a place Even though Matt thinks it is Plotting Rasputin's murder Huh The murder would give Yusuf The opportunity to reinvent himself As a patriot and a man of action

He'd look like a cool guy Dave's doing this A patriot That's great The most famous version of events Issaid in Felix Yusop's memoir Is this So this is the guy

The murdering Attemptive Murder guy writes this So take it with a grand assault So he wrote a memoir So he lives Yeah, great He wrote the... You piece of shit

In December 1916 He invited Rasputin over to meet his wife The niece of the Tsar Rasputin went probably Because he thought she was a beautiful woman And they could have sex That's why he went over But when he got there

Felix's wife wasn't around Rasputin was saying She was a real uggo He was like No thanks He still fucked her But he wasn't happy about it Okay, I just can't read you

I'll just have a time out. Uh, Rasputt was taken to a dining. Look what you've done. Hey? Happy now. Oh. No, no. They don't want it. The saddest chant of all. One man yelling just three times and then giving up.

Now Jess knows what it feels like when you've been left outside alone. It's a little sticker here that says peel off. and I'm gonna oh hey all right back to timeout sorry back from time out so he's gone there the lady that he wants to meet is in there but he's invited down to the basement anyway

and he served a platter of cakes he doesn't know this but they are laced with potassium cyanide they're thinking this'll do the trick to Yusufov's astonishment Rasputin appeared to be unaffected by the poison he then asked for some Madeira wine

which they'd also poisoned he drank three glasses but still showed no signs of distress. Keep him coming! Sinai, like really, really potent poison and he's like, what's up? Where's this lady? Where is she?

A desperate Yusuf, thinking his plan's falling apart, he borrowed the revolver of the Tsar's cousin who was also in on the plot, and he shot Rasputin in the back. He's like, oh, fuck. Oh, that'll do. He fell to the floor. It's not a good time to have you back to us, Jeff.

I'll just do this. No one gets shot in the side. The trust you have. They picked up a gun and shot him in the side. No, they didn't. No, he's on the ground, they're shot. They're like, fuck, he's finally dead. So they went outside to dispose of his clothes,

like his jacket and his hat. So he's just dead and naked. Yeah. Hot. But when Felix... No, good. When Felix went... back in the body was still warm with small

drops of blood coming from the wound. He lifted the body by the shirt and shook it and it dropped again to the floor. He was like, oh, this is cool. This is cool. Man, this is... Sick. He then noticed that the left eye of Rasputin started to open.

Like Dave, when you sleep. Then the right eye. Also like I sleep. Suddenly, Rasputin leapt from the floor with a quote, devil's look in his eyes. What's that look like, Dave? He also let out a wild cry. He attacked Felix.

Felix struggled for a moment and broke free. Wounded, Rasputin fell again to the floor. Rasputin, not done, crawled up the stairs and started to run outside into the snow. He was shot two more times, once in the back and then once in the head. Worried that this wasn't enough, Felix started to beat him with a rubber club.

I shot him in the head this will finish it off. A rubber club. Are you just imagining a big dildo? That's all I could think of. I was like, what would a rubber club? Oh my God. Yeah, Rasputin was like, oh, I feel terrible.

Oh, I feel good. Hit me again. The conspirators thinking he's now gone. They bound him in and wrapped him up in cloth and threw him through a hole in the ice into the frozen Neva River. There was reputedly water in his lungs.

Resputedly. You just got a standing ovation for a pun, it's awesome. Thanks for being on board tonight, guys. We appreciate that. Resputeedly, there was water in his lungs where his remains were discovered, indicating that he had finally died by drowning, so he may have survived being shot in the head,

and then he was still alive when they threw him in the river. Magic man. Magic man. Some accounts say that the killer's also severed his magic penis. His magic penis. Well, no account has ever called it a magic penis. I've just added that in for fun. I'm going to come clean.

They left his normal penis alone. Quick get his magic penis. Subsequently, resulting in urban legends and claims that third parties were in possession of the penis. But apparently... And it's here to know. But this seems to be a myth. This song we play sex bulbs, six bulbs, Goa my six bulbs.

Everyone, pass it around. Have a look, pass it on. Have a look, don't smell, it smells awful. See, you ruined it. We're having a nice time and you ruined it. This mic also smells like a magic penis. If you can imagine. So he's now dead. I'm afraid his body was discovered three days later.

He died on December 30, 1916, at a time where the hardships of war, had Russia on the verge of collapse. Three months later, or even just two months later, March 17th, the people revolted against the kingdom in a revolution known as the February Revolution. The Russian army sided with the revolutionaries, and Nicholas II, the Tsar, was forced to abdicate southern. Tsar?

He hoped to seek asylum in the UK, which was initially granted, but then there was internal pressure. Everyone was like, we don't want him, so they withdrew that, leaving him there. So the Russian royal family was imprisoned in a remote location. When the Bolsheviks seized power the following year in Russia in July 1918

and more revolutionaries, the family were awoken in the middle of the night taken into a basement and they were all quickly summarily executed. Except Anastasia. And that's where the report really begins. All right, so we got John Cusack, we got Meg Ryan.

Oh, thanks for taking the heat. I've thought, talking about the Russian and Royal Family executed was going to be a real down note, so I appreciate that. Who've got me out of there. But, Rasputin's prediction just before his own death had come true, the rich people had killed Rasputin, so therefore the royal family were fucked. And that's your end note, is it? I've got here, there you go, that is the story of Russia's...

Russia's greatest love machine! We made it. Well done. Thank you. Dave, I've got a special surprise for you. Could you close your eyes. Okay, oh God. Is it going to be quite weird for you?

Is it some sort of magic penis? Yeah, all right. We're sorry. In some ways it is, yes. And probably weird for a lot of you, to be honest. It's weird. What have you got for me? Oh, God.

Who's touching my face? Who's touching my face? All right. Is this because you know I legitimate... Oh, no. I forgot about it. this bit. So...

I mean, to be honest, he bought it himself. Couldn't have been Keen. I found one for half the price, and he said, no, no, no, I want the $23 one from the Camberwell market. Can you explain the backstory, Matt? Explain the backstory? Do you remember it? Oh, yeah.

To be honest, I can't remember it, but at some point Dave said he promised everyone. Does anyone remember why? Because I can't. I promised. I'm holding a watermelon on stage for everyone at home. I promised that I would... I was like, yeah, I'd be cool with humping and headbutting a watermelon. Hump and headbutt.

Does anyone remember why? My cousin Adam has never heard... He's never heard this podcast before. He's standing at the back corner at the bar with his arms folded. Very impressed. I'd like to ask Adam, can you please not tell the family about this? It's not you doing it.

Also, Adam, could you not tell my family about this? That would be... Oh, that's right. We put it to a Patreon vote saying whatever you vote for, I'll hum and headbut and it was porridge, a watermelon. And of course you voted for the hardest one for my noggin. So we thought it as a special treat for the 100th episode

that we would do it here now as the grand finale. I don't know if I want to look at this. Are you guys keen on this? All right, how about we, should we do a 3-2-1 countdown and then I'll do a quick hump and then I'll really headbut it. I definitely don't want to be in the footage of... it. Don't make me go solo.

Probably a good time to... Anastasia everybody. Here she is live! Jess, how do I start? Hump. There is legitimately no mark on the watermark. Great, did you enjoy that? Let's get Matt and Jess back up here.

Probably a good chance to thank Webby on sound and on tech time. Oh ladies gentlemen, the perfect music there. music there. Please give it up for Jeremy Webb on Saturday. Also, Bianca on the door. Thank you, Bianca on the door. The bar staff. The bar team. I like our Dave's echoing the things I say. Oh, I'd just like to also thank the European Beer Cafe, which put on a great Saturday night comedy show every week. It's on tonight at 8 o'clock in this very room. So we'll probably hang out here just for a few minutes and then we'll go upstairs. But thank you so much for coming out. 100 weeks of do go on. Yeah.

Thanks everyone. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye! Bye! What a fun time that was. A hundredth episode for me, Matt Stewart, obviously the 98th episode for Jess Perkins and Dave Warnocky, which is also a very good milestone, I think, for them.

Dave did genuinely hump and headbutt that watermelon at the end, which was, you know, I think it was great. I think it was a really beautiful moment. And I assume I think Jess was filming it, so hopefully you'll be able to see that sometime soon. man there was 120 something people there it was a fucking sweet buzz to do it it was so much fun hopefully it was fun for you guys to listen to um i'd love to thank everyone who was there personally but this is a couple days later now and i can't remember everyone's names um nester from

california i've hung out a little bit thank him again for coming all the way out which is just blew my mind blew everyone's minds i think and also edward o'connor from sweden what a good guy both of those guys came to my festival show, so that's possibly why I remember their names particularly well. Anyway, I thought I'd just jump in here to quickly plug another fringe show that I'm doing coming up. It's called the Amazing Traveling Comedy Tour. It's on at 9.30 at the Melbourne Fringe from the 24th of September to the 1st of October at the Cornhouse Hotel in North Melbourne, 830 on Sundays. It features great lineup, a rotating list of guests. including Alcia Tromboe Bertrandall and Andy Matthews from the Two in the Think Tank podcast,

which is one of our favorite podcasts. Also, Angus Gordon will be there a few times, who won the best newcomer at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. And someone who you might know is Jess Perkins, because that's her name. And she's from the Do Go On podcast, as well as many other things. She'll be there on the 26th and 29th of September. So potentially they're great nights for you guys to come along. And if you want, there's a discount code. do go on.

And yeah, that'll be sick to see some of you guys there. That would be super amazing. And the other thing that I'm really meant to be doing here is thanking a few of our Patreon subscribers, which, as you guys know, we love everyone who listens, but we particularly love the Patreon supporters because they help make this all financially possible for us to do. Not to make it gross and about money, you know,

it's just nice to have their support on all levels. physically, mentally and financially. I'd love to thank these guys, for starters. How about this guy? Tom Burton. What a legend. He is from a place called Albuquerque, New Mexico, which I only really know from the Bugs Bunny cartoons.

I think they use that a bit as a bit of a punchline. So I don't know if it's a funny place or what, but I've been looking up its website, visit albuquerque.org. And I'm on the Things to To tab. Things to Do. And they've got a variety of things. they say. You can play golf. You can go on a hot air balloon over the scenic Rio Grande Valle. So I think how they pronounce it over there. Mountain biking. Hiking among dormant volcanoes.

Horseback riding. This sounds like a great place. You could even stroll through Old Town. Stroll through Old Town. Man, that sounds like fun. So let me know, Tom, if that is the kind of thing that you'd recommend to do. I've only quickly looked up your town's website, but it sounds like a bloody ball. There to be honest. Thanks so much for your support. You are a motherfucking legend. We've also got Michael Williams. Another gun who's on our Patreon.

Thanks so much for your support, Michael. He's from a town called Brighton in East Sussex. I've been there. I've been to Brighton. I've still looked up their website. I know the town well because one of my favorite musicians in the Cave lives there. And I went down on the pier and that sort of stuff. And their website does plug the pier.

You've got to check out the Brighton Pier. It's like wood. and slats of wood that goes out a little way into the beach. That is good stuff. But I'm also looking on their website, what's on right now. And one of the key things here is, so you know this is a happening town. It actually is, I know Bryans is a really big cultural town in England. But anyway, this one of, this one caught my eye.

They've got an event on called Stories on the Wing. British Birds in Literature. It's a free event at the Booth Museum. natural history you can check this out for free is there about the special display explores the relationship between British birds and storytelling through the ages holy shit am I intrigued if only I was a little closer I'd be getting there that's for damn sure and finally I'd love to thank so sorry thank you Michael Williams as I call him Mickey Will now that's how I call him I'd also love to thank

Henry T I'm so sorry about this Henry T. I'm going to fuck this up. Henry T. Will Hoyt. Henry T. Will Hoyt. I just got my face so close to the screen to make sure of it. Hopefully that's right. He's from Newburgh, Oregon. I think I'm saying Oregon in the correct American pronunciation. I would normally say Oregon. Probably neither of those are right. Anyway, I'm on the Newburgh, Oregon.gov calendar tab. And you can look at any day, right? And the day this is coming out is I believe on the 20th of September so I've looked up things that you could do in Newburgh today if you're listening to it today Henry T you could go to the senior book club at 1 p.m you could if you know if you're up earlier you could go to sensory story time at 10 30 a.m.

Also they've got listed today sewer smoke testing so it is a big day in Newburgh Oregon so I I'd say it's unlikely that Henry's actually listening to the pod on this They'll probably catch up in a few days' time after all the bloody excitement has gone out of the town from the smoke testing in the sewer. I'm not fully sure that means, but it sounds like a bloody good time. I'm going to let the other guys know that if and when we come over to do an American tour, we are stopping by Newburgh. Because that sounds like a bloody good time. Thank you so much, Henry, for your support. You are a mother-flipping legend.

I really appreciate everything you've done. What else do we normally say at the end of the episodes? I think we say stuff like you can check us out on Facebook slash do go on pod. Facebook.com slash do go on pod. Also on Instagram, our handle is do go on pod. Our Twitter handle is do go on pod. Please, like us on there, we add extra, you know, things, photos and whatnot, sporadically on there. And also, yeah, the Patreon, I think, would be if you looked up, do go on podcast or something like that, do on pod.

That should get you there. That would be really nice. And we, you know, people support us there, but we also give rewards. I normally check in every few weeks with a bit of an email newsletter thing. It's always very exciting stuff. Also do bonus episodes. There should be one of those coming out soon. If we haven't done one already this month, they come out monthly.

Also do votes on topics and those sort of things as well. So it's a good amount of fun. Also, oh Dave's just messaged me and asked him if you wanted to... Oh my God, that's really good. Apparently someone's bought bumhouse.com. That is so funny. All right, that was from, I think, a recent episode. Anyway, so if you looked out bombhouse.com now, I think it redirects to our podcast.

That is fucking hilarious. Thank you so much to Jacob Sidney Grain. Thank you, Jacob Sidney Grain, you fucking mad dog. What else am I to do? Oh yeah, if you want to give us a, what do you call it?

Like a, give us like a bloody review thing on the podcast networks or whatever. Give us a five-star rating. Yes, that would be really nice. It helps us be more visible or whatever. And yeah, I think we've got some exciting guests coming up in the next month or two. as we might have talked about it sounds like

yeah a few really fun things coming up so that should be good so stay tuned and anything else I think I just say I normally say later's I think and then Jess says bye and then Dave says

you know probably something really suave like alright good on you keep it real in the streets and also in the sheets all right cool thanks so much for listening we'll be back next week.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want, it's up to you. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there. Wherever we go, we always hear six months later, oh, you should come to Manchester. We were just in Manchester.

But this way you'll never miss out. And don't forget to sign up, go to our Instagram, click our link tree, very, very easy. It means we know to come to you and you'll also know that we're coming to you. Yeah, we'll come to you, you come to us. Very good. And we give you a spam-free guarantee.