Do Go On - 107 - Vlad The Impaler

Episode Date: November 8, 2017

Vlad The Impaler, AKA Vlad Dracula III, is surely one of the most twisted people of all time. The sometimes ruler of Wallachia in modern day Romania, he got the nickname 'The Impaler' by well... impaling people. Thousands and thousands of them. He is also claimed by many to be the inspiration for Bram Stoker's Dracula character. Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPodTwitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amarna, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there.

Canada, we are visiting you in September this year. If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates.

Hello and welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dave Warnocky and I'm here with Matt and Jess. Hey Dave, hey Jess. Hi Matt. Hi Dave. Sorry if that was loud. It wasn't. Why am I saying that?

Why would you say that? Fucking, I just made Dave look. It's like he finally found the microphone And it scared him a little bit A hundred and seven episodes in And now we know what Matt sounds like Woo Easy, man

Easy Didn't want to commit to a big woo there Because I was afraid I'd be too loud Dave Better check it Ah, made him look Your deckhead Yeah, he looked at the monitor twice I feel like an idiot

Hey Dave, what's over there? Oh what? I respond to points. You know, I saw our good friend Mark Bonano just last week. From Auntie Donna. From Auntie Donna. And you know that fucking trick of, oh, you're something on your shirt? And then they smack you in the nose.

He got me twice with that. I'm 27. Smack me in the nose once. Shame on you. Smack me in the nose twice. And you could feed a whole village. I'm going to say. And you're mixing a couple of phrases there, Monty.

But it's still good. and applicable. How long in between first and second flick? Like an hour or so? Oh no. No, no. Yeah. I feel like, I felt like a damn fool.

Hey Jess, what's that? No, I'm not. No, he got me. It is funny, fun when people Matt, what he did was she didn't look down and he flicked her anyway. I love that strategy. To you?

No, fuck it. I'm going to flick your nose, mate. Yeah. I'm going to hit your nose like a naughty dog. Please don't do it to me because I am susceptible to nosebleeds. Okay, I don't want to start a nosebleed. I believe that.

It is actually... lead to that. You're a fragile. I thought that I had nose blades pretty bad, but you remember in primary school when you had to go out and you'd wear a name tag in case you got lost and do you have that? I think you know, Dave, that I grew up in a time before primary school. Before any schooling. Yeah.

I remember I was quite an old man when schooling came in. I'm like, this will never catch on learning. How do you feel when they introduced the first iPod? I'm just, I haven't, sorry, I'm a little bit behind. I haven't caught up that far. When do they come in? boy. Oh boy, oh boy. iPod.

I pod. Anyway, yeah, what about the name tags? Anyway, if I could continue my very boring story. Please. I want nothing more. No, it's just you would have a name tag, Matt. So if you got lost away from the group, you weren't taken out by a wolf. And the name tag obviously protects you from wolves. Yeah, they can do. And you would have, like if you had asthma, it would say, you know, Dave Warnigia asthma,

which I unfortunately didn't have. Because wolves won't eat asthmatics. Oh my God. That's how you get asthma. Is that how you get it? Yes. There was a kid who had he had nosebleeds written on there and then when we went to a cinema once

he wasn't allowed to sit up in the back rows in case the height of the cinema caused him to get a nose like it. Oh, your teachers were idiots. Isn't that ridiculous? This is why I said schools will never catch on because I mean, who's going to want to teach? Idiots.

Both my parents are teachers. I apologize. They are very disappointed in you right now. It's weird that they were because, obviously, teaching wasn't invented. When you were a man. Yeah, if you thought Matt was old, fuck. His parents are relics. It's quite a complicated family tree.

Yeah. Well, we don't have time to go into it. I'm just like Cleopatra. You are married to your sister. No. Oh, what a way to find out. What a way to find out. Anyway, we've got to get cracking

We've got to crack into this episode I'd love to Which is one that's been voted by the Patrons Our Patreon supporters have voted on this topic And we love a Dave Warnocky topic Because it means Matt and I get to be the sass twins Yeah And shit all over your tiny little body

Okay You're gonna have to have some pretty good aim to shit on this Thin stick That's how you're pointing to my cog Oh no Oh no Sorry about that Welcome

New listeners. So, you know on this show, one thing we all love, especially Jess Perkins, we love a good name. Yes. So what we do is, for my reports lately, we've been, I've been putting three topics out there for our Patreon supporters to choose from. So what I did was I went through our hat of listener suggestions, listener suggestions. Listener, listeners suggestions. Matt, have a go. Listen, I'm going to connect, man.

Listener suggestion. Oh. Thank you, Matt. And I picked out what I thought was three of the coolest names in there. Great. So the topic was cool names. People just voted on their name. Fuck yeah.

I hope Ballarat Hawthorne, Grandma. They're in there. So to get us on topic, I've got a question. And my question is, who is the scariest person in all of history to have the name Vlad? Vlad the Impaler. It is Vlad. The Impala! That's good.

Not Vladimir Putin. Sorry? Putin. I was... Sorry? Putin? Is it Putin? Is what...

Is what Putin? Are you Putin? Is this Putin? I'm Putin here. You peyton to me? I'll see you know who else here. You must be Putin to me. That's Elvis doing De Niro saying Putin wrong.

Pretty good stuff. Putin wrong. Pudin? Putin. Putin. Vladimir Putin. Who were the other Vladimir's that you offered? I was certain you were going to say Putin first or Putin,

and I was going to say, he's an evil guy, but not the most evil, but not the most evil, by a long shot. Vlad. I would have said Putin first. Just jumped in there. But he didn't say, he didn't say,

Vladimir. He said Vlad. What do you think Vladimir is to his mates? No, I'm aware of that, but the clue was in the Vlad. He's putes to some, but also flat. The clue was in the Vlad. Okay, that's true.

I don't know who. glad the impaler is, thought that was a fictional character. Original Dracula, sort of. No, all right. No, that is one in the same. We'll get to the connections there. This topic has been suggested by one person. Usually, I thought a topic of this would have a couple more.

Dane, who was at MGI 471 on Twitter. Matt, Dane, your Twitter handle should be great, Dane. You fucked up. I know it's probably taken. OGR number 8. Probably also taken. Oh, come on, Dave. What about Great Dane, MGI, 471?

That's not taken. I'm not even going to check. I know that's not taken. What about pretty good Dane? Oh, that's good, actually. That is. Or average Dane. Average Dane.

Fairly all right Dane on a good day. Opposite of Bad Dane. Opposite of Bad Dane. There's so many Dane. So, Matt, you know a little bit about Vlad the Impaler. I've told you everything. I think he's from Transylvania. Pudan?

No, Pennsylvania. Pudan. No, Transylvania is the right one there. That's correct. And Jess just knows the name. You would agree that's one of the coolest names in the hat. Vlad. Vlad the Impaler.

Impaler adds the cool factor, yes. That's the name of it. There's a song called Vlad the Impaler by that English band. Kasabian has a song. Ah. And Noel Fielding from the Marty Booth dresses up as Vlad the Impaler in the film clip. Oh, that's cool. I like Norfielding.

He's very good. good. I'm more of a Howard Moon man. Are you? Which is not his real name. Julian Barrett. Julian Barrett. So funny.

Yes. What a great show. What a great, great show. But here's a different show. I was going to say a great show, but it's not as good as the bush. But anyway, so let's crack on with Vlad the Impaler. Thank you to Dame for the suggestion. Vlad the Impaler, whose full name was Vlad the Third Dracula.

Great name. There were two Dracula that came before him. No. Well, he was also known. known as Vlad Teppish, which is impaler in Romanian. Ah. I was like, I don't like that as much. And a lot of his three things do refer to him as Vlad Teppish.

He was born in 1431 in Transylvania in modern day Romania. He was the second legitimate son of Vlad the second, Dracul. Dracool. So without the Aeon. That is Dracul as. Hey, Jess. You're so Dracul. He's bullying you back.

Two, no, that's... Shoes on the other foot now. What? A friend of mine. You were going to say, dickhead, weren't you? Yeah, it had that rhythm, didn't it? Yeah, it always does. Blood the 3rd took the name

Dracula, meaning son of Dracul. Ah, of course. And in Romanian, Dracul means dragon, so he's the son of the dragon. Fuck, that's cool. Fucking badass. That's Dracul. See, I knew Jess was going to get involved

because she likes names. I do like names, and I like names. names that mean dragon. His father, the dragon, was also... Stop, I'm the dragon. Hey, it's me, your dad, the dragon. I'm here to pick you up from school. Get on the motorbike.

Dad, dragon, you're so embarrassing. What do you mean I'm embarrassing? So I went to get cigarettes and I never came back. What? What about it? That is so embarrassing. You don't even know how to buy simple things at a shop. Ugh.

Dad. My dad got lost for a letter. years. I'm sad. I never get to be a dad. Because no kid will ever turn to me and go, oh, dad. Never.

And I've never sassed my mum once. No, no kid ever has. Mums are just angels. She meant no kids ever sassed your mum. You meant any mum. Oh no, my mum will not tax ass from any child. Oh, okay. She works at a school, and one time,

or like quite often, kids will sort of march in and demand things from her, and she will say, like what's a magic word, meaning like they need to say please. And one time she said, what's a magic word? And a girl went, abracadabra. And mum was like, yeah, fine, you can have whatever you want, yeah. Good point.

Well, play. Well, Dracul was the illegitimate son of, there's so many Romanian names here. They're also wrong. Mercia, the first of Wallachia. Well, I'm going to say that a lot. That's a historical and geographical region in the south of Romania. So that's the area that they live and that's their kingdom. Cool.

And when Vlad Dracula, the Impala was born, his uncle, who was a legitimate son, was in power. So they were sort of waiting in the wings. For power. For power. Vlad Sr., this is the dragon, was a bit of a badass. He was, he got his name because he was member of the order of the dragon. Which was the bikey gang.

Yeah, one of the early. They had a dragon on the back of their leather vests. That's pointing to his back. Before they had bikes, they just sort of stood around and, like, knifed people. They were penny farthings. So Dracul is in the Order of the Dragon. Originally,

the best part about this for Matt Nye is that we were joking about Penny Farthings being the lame go-to joke for transport on the way here and Jess just got cracked by it. Look, I don't... It's very good. Very happy that I got in.

So he's from the Order of the Dragon, originally founded by the King of Hungary, the aim of the Order of the Dragon. It was sort of like a secret little society of knights, was to fight the Ottoman Empire and defend the Hungarian monarchy. Jess was laughing at Ottoman Empire. You picture them the fate seats?

They're all just chasing you. I knew that. Jess was going to laugh at that. They're fighting him. Ah, get it. I so knew that she was going to laugh at us. But the aim of the order was to fight the Ottoman Empire and defend the Hungarian. Oh, that's so funny.

I'm going to say that about six dozen times in this report. I'm going to find it funny every time. Nah, I probably won't. I'm over it now. Bored! Next. Defend the Hungarian monarchy from foreign and domestic enemies and the Catholic Church from heretics and pagan. So they're big into Christianity.

And the Ottoman Empire, Pause for laughter Is a bigger Sort of They're really all about Foot comfort Yeah that's what they're Resting your legs

But it's sort of a They are surrounded Basically by the Ottoman Empire They're so comfy Have you never heard of the Ottoman Empire Of course I have But it's late at night And I'm tired

And I went for a run today And my legs are actually Quite so I could really use an Ottoman I had my feet up on that seat and then you had to come in and sit down now my legs are just dangling in the wind like some kind of a fucking animal And with that the Ottoman Empire crumbled

It's gone So was the Ottoman Empire that was obviously not Christian Was that a religious empire? No, that's a Muslim Empire Muslim, that would have been my guess Or Scientology Either all So they

Sort of surrounded mostly by this empire So they're often worried about them Vlad Jr, that's the Empire He was also a member of the Order of the Dragon He had to tie a little dragon jacket Situated directly between Christian Europe and the Muslim Ottoman Empire

Wallachia was a very dangerous part of the world at the time. They didn't just have to worry about different empires and religions fighting each other. They also had to worry about Bears Really? Really? Yeah. And in fighting

with bears and in breeding with bears. Hot. Inbreeding with bears. Yeah. Wow. What a time. I told you.

It was a very dangerous time. You ever tried to make love to a bear? Who was also your relative? Yeah, that's right. No. Uncle Joe. He's also a wookie. The kingdom of Wallachia went through an extremely turbulent and violent time during the 15th century.

And in fact, the leadership of the kingdom changed hands by violence. 18 times. I'd love to live in a kingdom. It just sounds so magical. Don't you know, you reckon? We sort of almost do, right? Only it's a queen. Queendom.

Yeah, but it doesn't, there's no castles. I feel like Jess has missed the point of that sentence, which was the violence, changing the leadership 18 times in 100 years. Yeah, but they have castles. So it doesn't... Princesses. It's not that fun.

It's always kingdoms in Disney stories. I want to live in a kingdom. I just live in a city. Where's our nearest kingdom? Toy Kingdom? Fuck, yeah, I'm moving there. Thank you. So it's the lack of king,

because Australia's still part of the monarchy, British. No, I'm telling the listener. I know you're... I'm telling the listener that. Right. Yeah, but even when we have a king, I'm...

Wait, yeah, I don't know. Is that not... I'm angry at the point, at the lack of castles. Right. I mean, the castles are there. They're just a little journey. They have castles in England.

Yeah, that's true. We've also got Cryal Castle near Geelong. We do have... Belorat. Near Ballarat, is it? No. Oh, near Ballarat Grandma. Bellar-grandma.

So let us take a little bit of time to explain to the listener what Cryal Castle is. For those who weren't annoyed with this detour as yet... So sorry. Fuck. Well, basically, it's like a medieval reenactment place. Yeah. A guy built a castle. And Jess hasn't been there?

I haven't. all those times in Belorat Someone who's crying out for kingdoms And has been to Belorat a million times You're right You're right It's on the next trip to Grandma's Sorry grandma, I'll stop past Crowell Castle

For a bit of contact May she rest in peace She's alive But may she nap in peace Napa in peace Oh resting yeah She loves a rest Basically I'm trying to paint the picture

That this is a really violent time Even though it's a kingdom A little resty Oh Matthew Okay, yes, violent time, but still I have castles, so I don't feel a lot of sympathy for them. Still very, a violent time, and this is, I'm not going to lie, a pretty violent episode. Possibly given away by the title, Vlad, the Impaler. I think.

And he took that title literally, we'll get to that. Grice. So we got the title before I did it, any impaling? Yeah, impaling, okay. Nominal determinism, when you have a job based on your name, like John Baker, the Baker. Vlad the impaler. Well, I better impale some people. Otherwise, this is getting embarrassing.

Yeah. Imagine not living up to your name. You're very Perkins. Thank you. No worries. David could be a little more Warnocky, though. Couldn't agree more. Oh, I'll try my best.

He's relatively Warnocky, I guess. Caution. Corner. Yeah, that's right. That's what I mean. Apparently. Vlad Sr. Signor.

Signor. The Spanish, Vlad. Sincor. cool. He ceased power when his brother died in 1436. At this time, and for centuries following this, Wallachia was actually under the control

of the powerful Ottoman Empire that pretty much surrounded them. Well, that hasn't run out of juice for you. I'm just imagining Ottomans. Just surrounding you. So, Wallachia is under control of the Ottoman Empire, and they had to financially support the Ottoman Empire to avoid stirring up trouble,

kind of like paying taxes. and Vlad II This is Dracul reluctantly agreed to pay the tribute demanded of him by the Ottoman Empire despite his affiliation with the Order of the Dragon which is secretly to undermine them but he knows if he doesn't pay them he will get invaded so he does that

Vlad Dracul did not support an Ottoman Empire of Transylvania in March 1442 and this stance got him into trouble an Ottoman Sultan Morad the 2nd Sultan? Fuck, that's cool. There's a few soltons in this. They ordered him to come to Gallipoli to demonstrate his loyalty.

So he went off there and he took his son, Vlad Jr. And his younger brother, Radoo. And they were all imprisoned when they arrived. Ah, great. What a welcome. Vlad Dracul, the dad was released before the end of the year. But Vlad Jr. and Rado had to remain as hostages to secure his loyalty. This practice of handing over loved ones for family members as hostages was common in ancient times and for many centuries since. Basically, don't fuck with me or I'll kill your son.

Sure. But having his two little boys held hostage did little to deter the badass Vlad Sr. Who openly supported the King of Poland and Hungary against the Ottoman Empire during a crusade in 1444. So he sort of went, ah, whatever, I don't care. Sure. Okay, cool. Great. was convinced that his sons were, quote, but fortunately for them, neither Vlad nor Radu was murdered or mutilated after their father's rebellion.

That is fortunate. He just kind of assumed that they were killed. Anyway, moving on. And he was pretty cool with it. Pretty Dracool with it. Yeah. Thank you. Come on, Dave.

When he was in prison, it was claimed that Vlad Jr. enjoyed torturing insects. With sticks, he'd impale them slowly. Oh, okay. Like he did years later with real people Oh, okay, spoilers So at a young age Possibly already showing some psychopathic tendencies Great

Great, cool Have they invented magnifying glasses by that stage Unfortunately for bugs no Because I'd probably be less painful Than being slowly impaled Oh yuck Man, they're so small How do it slowly?

Yeah, surely it's just done Yeah You just got no imagination Oh, you're not a psychopath So that's probably good actually, yeah It's probably good that you can't picture that or want to do it. There is a moth in my room that's been there for a couple of days. Impaled.

And I'm not happy about it, because you know how I feel about moths. They used to do that, right? People would collect moths, they impale them alive to collect them because you couldn't kill them. Oh, sure, sure. So they'd pin their wings. Oh, that fucked. I think they'd just sit there and die.

Let's move on. Maybe. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like moths, but I don't like that. If Jesse, you don't like this. I'm afraid there's a big section on impaling. Oh, no.

Pretty soon. Can I go home? Yeah, sure. You guys are fun. Bye. I just want to talk about his appearance for one second. Ooh, can we guess? All right, what do you reckon, Vlad Jr.?

Slick black hair with that demon's peak or whatever you call it? What do you call it? Devil's Peak? I was thinking like a thaw, like blonde long locks. Oh, I was thinking like fangs. Like a cape Matt's definitely gone to Dracula You've gone to Chris Hemsworth

Always I'm thinking he's a big brawny guy And he's got A heart of gold Chris Hemsworth again Yeah Is it Chris Hemsworth Is Chris Hemsworth the answer

Yes I don't think they invented Huge Bulking Uh Huh Systems back then I don't reckon big musly guy

You ever see old photos of musseligoths, they don't have like the fully crazy cut boobs and stuff like they do now. Yeah. The boobs are just so cut now. They cut. They cut. Chris Hemsworth. He's got boobs. He's peckin.

He's pecking. He's peckin' boobs. He's peckin, yeah. Jess Peckons. Okay, what do you look like? All right, so only one painting survives of him. It's probably a copy of the original, but the widespread image is, this is a description of him. He was very, not very tall,

but very stocky and strong in brackets large boobs. He had a cold and terrible appearance. He had a cold. His whole life. All life. He would not shake it. Wouldn't take his vitamins. Swollen nostrils.

Swole. A thin and reddish face in which the very long eyelashes framed large, wide open green eyes. The bushy black eyebrows made them appear threatening. His face and chin was shaven But for a mustache

Oh cool The swollen temples Increased the bulk of his head Right What do you imagine He was bulking up He's not a good looking guy Yeah he sounds like a mess

He's a weird looking dude What did you get that from when I said A cold and terrible appearance Yeah Nah I missed that I got short and stocky And everything else he said Is what led me to think

Mustache I like the mustache No I reckon he sounds like a cartoon movie I was about to say that. Yeah, he does. If you look at the, if you do a search of paintings of him, he does look like a film. I'm imagining Jack Lemon is the bad guy in the Great Race. The Great, not the Great Race.

Herbie strikes again. Speed racer? No. Really old black and white film. Wacky races. Mickey. Stamboat Mickey. Stop it.

The Great Race. I'm sure that's what it's called. No, the Great Race then. The Great Escape. Yes. Cannonball Run. That's the one. Shinler's List.

Weekend of Bernies 2? Correct. These are all correct answers. Thank you so much for your help. You're clamin. What an uvra. You pieces of shit. What an uvra.

Ovra. Pudin. Putin. Putin's uvra. He's got quite the uve. Dave, do go on. Vlad Junius' father and his older brother were murdered. Oh dear

The son of Vlad Drackel's cousin Was made the ruler of Wallachia No one is 100% on who killed Vladsenia But it's likely to be the guy Vladislav that got to replace him, the cousin Vladislav Vladislav Don't like that

Okay I like it Vladislav Vladislav It's what I'm to say Vladislav A read one source that claimed Vlad Sr was buried alive with his son That's not nice

So that's not good at all That's not when you're supposed to be buried. No. You should be dead for that. I did it backwards. Yeah. That's no good. Unless you're being buried in...

Money. Money. That's a fine way to suffocate to death. Upon the... Kisses. Oh no. Buried in them. I can't escape these kisses.

Kiss to death. Oh no. What a way to go. Upon the death of his father and old... a brother, Vlad became a potential claimant to Wallachia, and at this time he's still imprisoned over in the Ottoman Empire, and the Ottomans let him return home to claim power, and even lent him military support as the new guy, Vladislav, was backed by the Hungarians, the natural enemy of the Ottermen.

Oh. You wrote that, didn't you? No, I didn't, but I... You enjoyed it. I do like talking about Otters. I watched you enjoy that. It was nice. Matt, did you see him?

No, I missed it. So Vladislav had to lead the kingdom to fight the Ottoman soldiers. And whilst he was away, Vlad the Impala regained the throne for his family. So we snuck in and he's the king. Hooray. Hey guys, it's me. I'm back. I'm the king.

No questions. All right. Back to work. And he's king for two whole months. Oh, I think he's going to say days. Months is good. Nance is all right. I'll get a lot done in two months.

I can handle being a king for two months. All the parties. and the decisions and the picking of the curtains. It is very difficult. I assume they do a lot of redecorating kings. Oh, that's the first two months of any kingdom. Imagine coming back and then you've got to redecorate. They're redecoration.

Could I undo all this work and start again. Pretty awful. That's fine. She got the mauve curtains. What were they thinking? Very different taste. He had to, so he's in charge for two months, but he had to run back.

to the Ottoman Empire for a protection when the other guy, Vladislav, came home and simply kicked him out. So he came back and said, Hi everyone, I'm back, I'm king again. Get out of here. Oi! That's my throne. Get out of here.

He shooed him away like a stray cat. Oie. Aw. I don't know. Didn't he have an army? Didn't they give him an army or something? No, he had an Ottoman though. Yeah, an Ottoman army.

Vlad had to leave and Fee found exile in Moldavia. to the northeast. He went there because his brother-in-law, Bogdan, the second. Bogdan. That's good, right? No. I included that because that's a great name.

Bogdan. Bogdan, I like that. Bogdan, the second, was on the throne. Betty was. Spend all this time on there, Bogdan. You could not get Dan off that throne. What would his nickname be? Would it be Dan?

Or would they call him Bog? Because bog is a shit name. No, it's probably just... I didn't even do that on purpose. They call him shit. Shit Dan Or king shit Dan Look mate

I appreciate calling me king But shit isn't really Very nice You hear me Shit Dan Oh fuck So he got to live there in peace for a while

While shit Dan was there But then someone knocked off Bogdan shit Dan And Vlad had to run away again He offered himself To the Hungarian leader John Hanyardi Which is an anagram of Hiy

I really enjoyed that Drive away, no more to pay John Hanyardi Did you figure that out yourself? Yeah, I looked at it and I was like, that is it you swapped two letters and that is Hianti

The car brand That's big everywhere, right? Yeah Well, I'm going to call him Hyundai from now one John Hiyunday, who's actually a very famous Hungarian guy, looked him up like a national hero of theirs.

I wonder if they know how close they were to having a national hero called Hyundai. That would be a national shame. Moderately priced car brand. Let me just say that I've actually watched overseas rallying before with an American commentator and they actually say Hyundai for Hyundai. Hyundai.

Hyundai. Hyundai. So I just wanted to translate that for any American listeners. God. His name is almost the same as John Hyundai. Aluminum Jesus, they got some work to do over there, aren't they? Fucking hell

Nah, good on them Yeah, there's so many There's so many of them Yeah, that's one thing about American So many words, or so many people? Both. Yeah, if you think about it It's quite a lot of both of those things

That's deep, eh? Well, that's deep, eh? There's like so many people are like, so many words Do you guys ever look up at the stars and think, there's so many words, and stars. And people. And grains of sand. I don't.

Me either, I've got stuff to do. Yeah, very busy. If it's night time, I'm sleeping. Yeah. I live in the city, I can't see you fucking stars. There's got a roof on my house. Yeah. Yeah, but imagine if you did, right?

That'd be cool. A. Oh, man. Well, Hyundai, he let Vladimir. Well, you're saying this guy's a national. hero and you're going to continue to call him Hyundai. Yeah.

Be disrespectful to the Hungarians, fine makers of salamis. And also, on top of that, they also, just the nice people as well. And have a great city called Budapest.

Yeah. Which I really enjoyed going to. Which is the coming together of three cities. Buddha, Pest and O. Buddha.

A little bit of geography there for you guys. There you go. I'm sure I just already knew all of that. I'm sure she also gave a fuck. If I could just get back onto Hyundai. Interesting. Go on. Hanyardy, fine.

We'll call him his name. That's probably misprouncing it. They'd probably prefer me to say Hyundai, to be honest. He let Vlad live, mercifully, because Vlad had a knowledge of the Ottoman Empire and made him useful as an advisor. I know how to put my feet up on things. It's always funny Ottomans

They had one in my childhood home It was green I think I found out that Ottoman meant like a footstool When someone made a joke about the Ottoman Empire I don't think I'd ever heard of Ottomans Because I didn't grow up In the affluent East

Wow What? You didn't put your feet up My god My butler had an Ottoman He had six One for each day of the week and then on the seventh day. He stood.

And they were actual Ottomans. People from that, mummified soldiers from the Ottoman Empire. He put his feet up on. Six of them. Not body cheap, either. They're so dumb. Why did we have them?

They just took up space. Yeah. Well, I think it is a sign of, I have too much space. That's so weird, isn't it? In 1456, at the age of 25, Vlad was allowed to lead an army into a lot. where he reclaimed his throne

and according to legend killed the Hungarian puppet leader and his enemy and cousin Vladislav II in personal combat allegedly Slap fight With a puppet Ow! Don't!

Allegedly beheading him with the slabs Okay So now he's in charge for the second time Woo! Yeah! Round number two His kingdom isn't exactly

peaceful. His lands were in a practically ruinous state due to constant warfare and internal strife caused by feuding boyars. Boiya. Which is what they call... Boyer-casha! That's what they call members of the aristocracy, so they're like

nobles and such. But boyar is a way cool. And that. Boiard. Yeah, they got things right in that area. Autumns. Boyer. This goes on. Et cetera. Impaling.

Well, to consolidate power, Old mate Vlad invited hundreds of these boyars to a banquet. Knowing these authority would soon be challenged, he had his guests stabbed whilst they were sitting down, and they're still twitching bodies impaled, something that he was soon to gain a reputation for. Hang on. Hang on. That is nowhere to treat a guest.

He invited how many of them? 200. And they were all stabbed at the same time? Yes. So he had 200 people like, oh, let me be. give that chair for you. Stab. I imagine what he would have done is go, before we sit down, could everyone line up next to this really long rod and just hold, and sorry, that's going to hurt a little bit as we go.

Don't worry about what the person in front of he is doing. Rithing, that's what they're doing, don't worry about that, and shish kebab tonight. Or he said, could everyone take their seats? And they said, oh, sir, my seat appears to be a knife. No, no, no, that's just something we've shipped in from the Ottoman Empire. They're trying out a new thing. You know, they've got these weird stools. Now they've got these weird chairs that look like knives. Just sit down on that for me.

All the way down. Everyone at the same time? Everyone? Hey, Gary, up the back. Sit the fuck down. I don't want to sit on a knife. Gary. But they were all impaled.

All right. Everyone but Gary. He figured it out. Oops. Vlad was keen to show his dominance. and in a letter he stated that, quote, when a man or a prince is strong and powerful, he can make peace as he wants to.

But when he is weak, stronger one will come and do what he wants to him. So he's trying to lay down the law. Who did he write this letter to? He's a mum? Dear diary. Dear diary, it's I, Vlad. The Impaler, how are you?

That's my name. That's what they call me. He began to have hundreds, or even thousands of people he perceived to be his enemies executed. He particularly wanted to exact revenge on those that he saw as letting down his father during his reign. Many of these people were impaled. Something that let Vlad, to get the nickname, Vlad the Impaler. Now, you might be wondering, Jess, what exactly is this impalement that I keep talking about?

Yes, that is what I'm thinking, Dave. Let me just say, it has definitely, since reading and researching this report, being added to my list of ways I do not want to die, Somewhere between... Never put that on the public record. Oh, no. Somewhere between being burnt alive and eaten alive by rats. That's on a scale of...

Okay, yeah, no, I understand. So... Which is higher and which is lower. No. I won't give way that secret, Matt. Come on, man. We've got to protect some of our privacy. Yeah, that's true.

I just thought we could organise something for your birthday. A little surprise rat feast. Oh, Jess. Look, Jess is like, how did you... Don't give away the surprise. Sorry, Jess. She looks very disappointed and disgusted with my behaviour. Yes.

So this is Vladimir or Vlad the Impalers. How to Impale People 101. Oh my God. A wood or metal pole is inserted through the body either front to back or vertically. Shooting up your butt hole. Shooting through the rectum or vagina. The exit weren't

Could be near the victim's neck Shoulders or mouth What the fuck? It's a pig on a spit sort of thing Matt In some cases The pole was rounded Not sharp to avoid damaging internal organs

And therefore prolonging Suffering of the victim In a lot of ways It's just like a really big piercing The pole was then raised vertically To display the people And it could take hours or days for the person to die.

So it's real bad, and he's like, let's get all these people impaled, and they do them all at the same time. Okay, they probably saved him on costs. He would have... Is that why? Bulk deal. He would leave fields of impaled people,

so it was like a forest of dead people. What the fuck? And this isn't the only crazy violent shit he did. When diplomatic envoys had an audience with Vlad in 1459, the diplomats declined to remove their hats, citing that it would be against their religion to take off their hats. He embaled their hats.

Commending them on their religious devotion, flat ensured that their hats would remain forever on the heads by nailing the hats to their skulls. I know, he's fucking crazy. Did that kill him? How big of the nails? You said, so was that you being funny there? Or did he, was he actually like, I appreciate this, I'm going to help you. I don't know.

I would much rather get impaled through the tum because I'm just clenching. And then you lift up the stick and there's a few of you on there like I was saying before. Shesh Kabab style. And then you just swing in like this. Stop. And then someone comes up and goes like this and you go,

woo! And you just spin around. And then maybe like the wind blows and then you put you out. and then in that field there'd just be like a field of those sort of like those like foosball table yeah well I'd rather that than being vertically impaled shooting up your butt hole oh stop it's making me clench

it's making me think of a couple of good mates talking about comic book movies so he's a pretty bad guy and there's other stories of him boiling people alive or dipping his bread in the blood of people while they died He's a bad guy I love bread, just eat it as is How good is bread

Put in some soup How good is blood No When it's inside your body Circulating Carrying oxygen Very important Also important to

Remember to donate blood Yeah if you can Via impalement Via uranus You should not be having blood coming out uranus Really? No day

Ever There's no circumstance There's no healthy circumstance That blood is coming from uranus That The Red Cross will not accept. Anus blood. Not 100% sure, but I think that's one of their things.

You rock up with your own little baggy. You drop it on the table. There you go. That's three pines of anus blood. Where do I get paid? You don't get paid for normal blood. Why would I pay you for anus blood in this country? I think they're doing in America.

Yeah. Imagine that getting paid for blood. What a system. Speaking of capitalism, Jesus. It's so wrong. Everything's got a price. I love it. So it's estimated he killed about 80,000.

people through various means. A lot of these people are impaled. And he's getting a reputation as a bit of a psychopath across Europe. At the beginning of 1462, however, Vlad launched a campaign against the Turks, which are part of the Ottoman Empire, along the Danube River. It was quite risky, the military force of Sultan Mehmed II, being far more powerful than the Wallachian army that Vlad was commanding. However, during the winter of 1462, Vlad was very successful and things were going well for him, so it was looking like it was going to go well.

but to punish Vlad the Sultan got his proper army together and launched a full-scale invasion of Wallachia hoping to take it over he assembled an army that was three to six times larger than Vlad's forces so huge

Vlad appealed to the Hungarians for help but this time they said they wouldn't help him this is Hanyardi Hyundai the only way to survive was to use a scorched earth policy where Vlad and his army burnt their own fields and poison the whales as they retreated so the Turkish army chasing them didn't have anything to eat or drink. It's not very nice.

Poor sport, really? Do you think it's a poor sport? As an ambush attack in the middle of the night, Vlad and some of his men broke into the sleeping Ottoman camp in an attempt to capture or kill the Sultan. Well, he slept. They hoped was that if they imprisoned or killed the leader, then everyone else would just go home.

Not bad. Like it's some sort of an... Ant colony. Ant colony, yeah. We've killed the... Queen. Then I just get a new queen. Nearly every time, yes, if history is anything to go by,

nearly every time a leader is killed, a new leader comes along. And history, that is. However, they didn't find out what would happen if they killed the leader because they broke into the wrong part of the camp and attacked the wrong part of the army and had to leave empty-handed when the sun started coming up. They were like, where is he? Where's that fucking sultan? Never found him.

They were in the broom closet. Take a torch, boys. Take a fucking torch. Come on. The Sultan and the army continued to chase Vlad and when the Sultan and these huge, huge forces who were now exhausted and Hungary finally reached the abandoned capital city that were confronted by one of the most gruesome sites imaginable. Thousands of stakes held the remaining carcasses of 20,000 Turkish captives that had been impaled that they described as forest of the impaled. So they walk into a city and there's 20,000 people. on stakes.

Rodding. That's disgusting. The terror tactic, deliberately staged managed by Vlad to terrify his opponents, definitely was successful. The scene had a strong effect on the Sultan and his most stout-hearted officers, and the Sultan tired and hungry, admitted defeat, and they went home. So it worked. Good for Vlad. By killing 20,000 of his own people.

No, no, so these were other slaves and stuff that they captured previously. 20,000 on stake Where are they getting all these stakes from? Yeah Because it would have been a real good time To be in the steak industry That would be so good Imagine if you just started up a big steak company

I reckon I reckon he paid really well as well Yeah, I reckon He's the kind of go, look I'll pay for quality Yeah These are good stakes I'll pay or whatever the asking price is Yeah

That was one thing about Vlad He would kill nearly anyone But he would pay the price Generously Generously yeah And tip. Yeah, he would tip. He would also kill you afterwards, take the money back.

But there was a little moment there where you felt good and you got paid well for a day's work. I thought you were going to be able to put your kids through school, which wasn't invented yet. No, of course not. There is actually a story of how crime went down when he was in power because he hated thieves. And if anyone was caught or accused of thieving impaled straight away. Does he know how to do anything else? So some people were a fan of him because crime. went down so they had this story of having they had a fountain like a main square type thing and

there were all these gold cups around and usually you couldn't leave that around because thieves have come along but people were so terrified of being impaled that no one stole the fucking cup so that's there's a positive yeah good on you Vlad there's a positive nobody's stealing a cup everyone's living in utter fear now a weird thing about you so obviously that sultan's come along and retreated out of terror but also he's strangely impressed uh Greek historian, Leonicus, definitely Ms. Browns that describes the scene like this. Now, the Sultan, this is the guy who's looking at the forest of impaled people, the Sultan was seized with amazement and said that it was not possible to deprive of this country

a man who had done such a great deed who had such a diabolical understanding of how to govern his realm and its people, and he said that a man who had done such things had much worth. I'm that crazy Feels like that's him Rewriding He's like I'm not saying I was shit scared I was saying I was impressed by him

It was respect I'm not a coward That shit in my pants That's from respect Yeah Respect shit That's a respect bog Called it

Bogdan Oh bog down Get out of my pants Get out of my pants Get out of my pants Shit Dan So the Ottoman army Left Wallachia

But Vlad's brother Radu and his Ottoman troops stayed behind. The Ottomans favoured the brother Radu as the rightful leader of Raleh and hoped to kick Vlad the Impaler out and replace him with Radoo. Although Vlad defeated Radoo and his Ottoman allies

in two battles during the following months, more and more Wulakians deserted Vlad and joined Radoos' side. So that was not good for Vlad. So Vlad withdrew to the Carpathian Mountains, hoping that the Hungarian king, now Matthias Corvinus, would help help regain the throne for him. They had some negotiations, however,

that didn't go well for Vlad because after a few weeks of back and forth, Vlad the Impaler was captured by one of the king's mercenaries. So he was imprisoned. The Pope at the time, a man named Pope Pius II, was a bit like,

what the fuck, why have you imprisoned a man that's helping us fight against the Ottomans? Dave. I've given him money. The Pope would not say, What the fuck? Look, Jess, I've got it written down here.

He would have said it in Latin. Sorry. Of course, Jess, you are. the patron state of Latin on this podcast many times I've asked you to translate before how would a Pope say

what the fuckus a mofuckus Ammo fuckers yep thank you for cas beg your pardon sorry

so the Pope said a pope was a bit like a mo for cas thank you now that I've given this money this guy money

to fight against the ottomans why have you imprisoned him and so to justify his actions, the king who just arrested him, King Corvinus, presented three letters to the Pope that had allegedly been written by Vlad, and in these letters,

Vlad offered to join forces with the Sultan's army and fight against Hungary if the Sultan restored him to his throne. So most historians think that these letters are bullshit, and that the guy just... We're talking stitch-up. It's a real stitch-up. Bloody hell. Three sit-ups.

The Pope seemed to have believed the bullshit and left him alone, and Vlad the Impala was imprisoned for nearly 14 years. Wow. So that's a lot of time that he can't impale anyone. Oh, he is not doing... Well, I mean, there's always prison impalement, but that's a different story. Shiven.

There's that too. Get busy, shiven. Get busy, but... All the while... So he's in prison for 14 years. All the while, his brother Radoo is the king of Hulakia, completely under the control of the Ottoman Empire. And no records of those...

Of him and those times survive. when Radu died in 1475 pressure on King Corvinus had grown sufficient enough to allow the impaler to reclaim his throne with Hungarian support and in the summer of 1475 Ludd was sent home to Volakia to fight against the new king

and he was restored to the throne Oh my God, he's back baby What a summer Oh he's back Sadly his third reign was even shorter than his first Remember that was only two months Okay, six days. Six days.

About summer rain? What do you think? I reckon, well, it's going to be... Summer rain. I think it'll be a fortnight. Two weeks. It is just over a month. Fuck.

He was in charge for just over a month. However, at the end of that month, he was killed in battle. How was he killed? With a sword. I'm assuming. After he died, the Turks cut off his head and took it to Constant.

Noble as a trophy and the rest of his body was cut into pieces. Yuck. His burial place is often speculated upon but not confirmed. That's pretty gross. So he died, but after he died, his legend only continued to grow. So he was feared for his legendary cruelty throughout his lifetime. But after his death, his legend only got bigger and bigger, spread by both his friends and his enemies.

So don't get me wrong, he was definitely fucked up, but it's not, it's hard to know which stories are true or which other times. So he impaled a lot of people, but, you know, figures like 20,000. It's not... Off to exaggerator sort of stuff. You'd have to apply a lot of force to impale someone. Like, you're really got to shove it in, you know? Yeah.

Sometimes they did it with a horse. Excuse me? They did it with a horse? I don't know if that's relevant to what we're talking about. I'm just talking about impaling someone, Dave. Sorry, I zoned out again. And I was talking about impaling someone with a horse's fallace. Okay.

That's what I was doing. No, sometimes... I don't know if you want to keep talking about impalement. I wasn't going to bring it up because it was so fucked up. But they would tie someone to a horse and that's how they would get the... Tie them to the horse and then the rod would be... I don't understand. Stationary and then, you know, they would be pulled into the rod.

And then the rod... Yeah, I don't want to... It's fucked up. It's awful. I hate that so much. He is regarded by some as a Romanian national hero. Okay. All right, Romania. So when did Malavia become...

What did I say? Wallachia. Well, fuck, that was not. Malavia. Close at all. Well, Archaia, which is a great name. Is that almost, is that like similar boundaries to modern-day Romania? Oh, no, that's in the southern part, and then they unified with the northern part to become Romania.

I love it. Wallachia is a great name. It's actually, it's W-A-L-C-H-I-A. And so if I've been mispronouncing that for now, I apologize, but the one translation that I found was Wallachia. Alarca. I like Wilakia. So when did he become,

do you know anything about when the jump from real Dracula to the mythical Dracula happened? Yes, yes. I'll just wrap up with it. The stories about Vlad made him one of the best known medieval rulers of Europe, and specifically in the Romanian lands, because people would talk about this fucked up dude that lived last century, century before, and it's often thought that Bram Stoker based the title character of Dracula on Vlad.

Bram Stoker's Dracula, which was published in 1897, was the first book, however, to make a connection between Dracula and vampirism, or vampirism. So Vlad the Impala, whilst he was rumoured to do a lot of weird stuff, he wasn't rumoured to be a vampire in his lifetime. Right. But he was rumoured to drink blood, which is a classic vampiric thing. That's right. I've seen Buffy.

Great sir. Sheen does some impaling. Yes. Now I get it. Now some people do think that that also came, but Brams also included that. Obviously a great way. Stake through the heart.

Stake through the heart. Stake through the heart. Oh my God. Stop it. Stop. Get out of my head. Matt. Do you think it's because steak to the ass

this wasn't as commercial? Like to the ass Or the vagina You got two options In 50% of the population Yeah Jess, you've got options Oh

I don't know which one I'd take I don't think you get a choice I don't want to think about it either Yeah you're right Probably don't They wouldn't give me a choice I don't want to discuss it Move on

Oh god, clenching again Although Stoker's notes For the novel Do include mentions of Dracula The historical account From which the notes were taken and only mentions his name, not the fucked up deeds for which he was known. So some people think that Bram just liked the name,

or some people think that Bram liked the association of the crazy stuff that he did, and you could base an evil character on the things that he did. There's a lot of debate about that. Right. Yeah, so was Dracula, the character's always been like the one in my head with the slick hair and the widow's peak and the... Yeah, in... I want to suck your blood.

Do you say that in the book? No, it's the count from Sesame Street I'm thinking of the count. Avant who count the numbers. One. Ah, ah, ah. Two! Have you seen that video where they bleep

counting or something like that? No. I love going to show you that later. He always says three so enthusiastically. It's like, three! He's the best. Ah, ah, ah. Anyway.

You're going to love this video where they bleep out count. It is. It's up there with the Melodica Jurassic Park video. Ah, great. Final thing on Dracula is others claim Stoker came across the name Dracula when reading about Romanian history and chose to replace the name Count Whampier, W-A-M-P-Y-R that he had originally intended to use for the villain.

Imagine if it was called Count Whampier. It just doesn't have the same ring. Whampier, but they don't pronounce W-S-M-M-M-E-M-B-E-R? It's probably Vampier That makes sense Vampier I say they Some people at some

Times It probably is count vampier But still Dracula's just Dracula's cool And it means Little Dragon A son of a dragon Little dragon

Little dragon Who's my little dragon Who's my little dragon? Dave I am I am I am I am

Oh dear Sorry Wow Well that's my report on the most fucked up person in the hat. Vlad. That impaling son of a bitch. No, he's bad, isn't it?

I didn't like the thinking about being impaled. Sorry, but I felt like if I glossed over it, some people would have been pissed off. Absolutely. Some people have tuned in just for the impaling. I was going to say that was the key. I think the image of just a forest of people, that's disgusting and amazing. Yeah, Rod Forrest. Rod Forrest.

This is my old accountant. Rod Forrest, put it there Put it there, Rod Good on, your Rod. Buddy got any of there, mate, Rod, good to see you. You can balance those books balance it all, buddy. All right, man.

It's all business, Rod. Sorry, Rod, are you telling me to balance my own books? Why do I need you? All right, man. Well, yeah, the way he said it, you just do it all right. No, you just do it, mate. I'm more here, I'm more here for encouragement.

It's more of a life coach. Balance those bloody books, mate, all right. All right, mate, all right. All right. Uru. He always said Uru, which I like. Hey, Roo. Hey, Roo. Good on your, Rod.

Good on your buddy, Rod. Your buddy, done it again. Well done, mate. Bloody, well done. That is the end of the report part of the episode, but it's time to thank Rod Forrest, who has brought this episode to you. We would like to end this episode

by thanking you, first of all, for downloading it, and also to thank a couple of people that supported the show and made it possible via hitting up our Patreon page, Patreon.com slash do go on pot, for your Patreon needs. If you want to pledge a little bit to the show, even a couple of bucks a month really does help us out. Five bucks helps more.

Yeah, $10,000 a month. We're not asking much. Even more again. That helps, yeah, the more you pledge, the more you help. You know what I found out recently, we're over 40% of the way to our US tour goal. Oh.

So excited. That's pretty cool. It's really cool. Wow, that's weird. Like, it could really happen. I know. I think we didn't fully believe it when we said. No, it was like a pipe dream.

A phrase I've never understood. What's a pipe dream? You're high on crack. Crack pipe. Yeah. You have, you know, those waking dreams when you're on a crack high. Jess, you relate to this. I get it.

I love crack. Anyway. Anyway, send us money for crack. You can get stuff in exchange, including a bonus episode once a month. So that's always a lot of fun. and also we like to thank a few people that support us and I would like to ask Matt to kick us off this week. Okay, great.

I'd love to thank from Glasgow. Glasgow. So Glasgow. Can I say, we'll get a theme going here. We had Vlad the Impaler. I would like these people to be the something. Great. I'd love to thank Lewis McFadden.

Lewis McFadden. Oh, no, that's hard. You go to good Scottish? Can you do Glasgow Day? Lewis. Lewis. Lewis McFarden. McFarden.

No. I was looking at Matt, not Jess. I'm so sorry. I don't think I did either there. Lewis the cuddly. Yeah. It's the cuddly. I like that.

He's the anti-hero too. Yeah. He's an anti-nobo too by the Impala. Kill him with kindness. Yeah, that's right. Lewis is a nice person. Lewis or Louis? It'd be Lewis, wouldn't it?

He wouldn't be... That's the French way when you say Louis, is it? Who gives a fuck? He's so cuddly. I don't even, it doesn't care about him. Who else you got? Louis, Lewis McFadden, anyway, from Scotland. Scotland.

He would have said, if Vlad the Empowers in the room, he's like, uh-uh, murder. That was a little bit messy, that. I love when you say, murder. Murder. Target. Target.

Murder. Murder. I thank you so much, Lewis. You're murdering the language right now. Lewis the Cuddly. Lewis the Cuddler. Is it that right? Cudley.

Lord's the Cudley. Scott's have a lot of people. Robert the Bruce, that's a great name. Robert the Bruce. Oh, famous, that's good. Robert the Bruce. It's got to be, if it's the impaler, it's got to be the cuddler, I think. Okay, fine.

Lewis the Cuddler. And also, I'd love to thank from Minnesota, Nathan Hanson. I guess it'd be... Nathan the handsome. I just told you what it had to be the handsomer. The handsomer. He makes people more handsome with his presence. Nathan, the handsome.

It's not good. You make people look better by comparison. He walked into a room. Suddenly everyone looks real good. Yeah, I wasn't. Now I'm a tim. No, I'm a bit more in a magic way that he lifts everyone, not by his own fagliness. He's from Minnesota, which is where the Timberwolves are from.

I'm making an effort to get even more into American, North American sport. That's good. It's good stuff. You bought a shirt from Gary. I did buy a shirt from a sweatshirt. Gary Steelheads. Is it now a defunct team? Now a defunct team from the CBA.

Which is the college, is it? I think it's Central Basketball Association, something like that. Oh, right. So they were a semi-pro league. Semi-pro league. And when did they disband? Like, is this shirt like vintage? It is rare.

They disbanded five or six years ago. They lasted, I think, about nine years. They're my favourite team, full time of any sport after the Saints, obviously. We will be hitting up Gary on that tour. 100%. I already mapped out a tour that goes, It's like only seven-hour trip. Get this, seven-hour trip from Gary to Pittsburgh where the penguins live.

Yes. And you can on the way take in Orchrane, Ohio, which I still haven't figured out how to say. That's not right, that's not right, that's not good. Orch-Wan. Oh, my God. It looks like Akron, but they're saying there's W's in the pronunciation. Orchran. All right, great.

No good. Nathan the handsomer and Lewis the Cuddler. I've come up with two solid ones so far, boys, so lift your games. Okay, okay, okay. I would like to thank from London, our lovely listener who has supported the show, Edith Gordon. Edith Gordon's one of my best friends. Thank you. I said we knew Edith.

Oh, yeah. You know Edith. You know Edith? Either from London? Yeah, well, she used to live in Melbourne. I'm going to see her next week. She's coming down for Meredith in a wedding. I said, he said Edith Gordon.

I was like, I know Edith Gordon. He goes, from London. I was like, oh, it can't be the same Edith Gordon. Then how weird. She moved to London. It is Edith Gordon. Edith the Traveller. Oh, there we go.

Edith and well, hi, Edith. And thank you for support on the show. Love you, Edith. Love you, Edith. I'd love to meet you, Edith. And from North Carolina. Oh, that's, what's your fact about North Carolina? Then Michael Jordan played college basketball.

I love that one. Christopher Veryl. Christopher the shorter, which is because Michael Jordan Always wore. Stop. His North Carolina University shorts underneath his Chicago Bull shorts.

I learnt that in Spaceballs. No, no, I didn't. What's Space Jam? Space Balls. Which is a Star Wars parody by Garth Brooks. That's not right. Mel Brooks.

All right, Dave, stop talking, Matt. Classy, I would like to thank, and help me out here with some great names here. All the way from Missouri, Jason Waltz. Jason the waltzer. Yeah, I won't, yeah, Jason the dancer. Waltzer. All right.

It's the only day. He can't samba, can he? I reckon he can. He can't. Lindy hop, Kenny. No, he definitely can. He can. And also do the Charleston.

He's doing it. know what a Charleston is. You're just moving your arms about. You're just making shapes. You're conducting a choir. It's like you're doing some spells. You're telling people to slow down because you've had an accident. You're telling you a driver to turn their lights on at night.

All right. Yeah, good stuff. Put on your Jason Waltz from Missouri. Thank you so much. Jason Walzer. It's definitely dancer. It's not Tony Danzer, is it? Fuck.

Look, it should be. I would like to thank from Ontario great Canadian listener Tabitha Post Tabitha the doggar I don't know I don't know I don't get a feeling

No I just I just try to say the first thing I came to my mind That's like the time you said day Shh So maybe stop saying the first thing Alright give me another talk Tabith Post Tabith Post

Tabith Post Tabitha Post She's an oft communicator Of the interwebs I'd say Tabith of the Communicator Tabitha the Communicator

Tabitha the Communion That's great. Post. It's very close to an impaler. The poster. Oh, yeah. That's good. The poster.

I mean, in a lot of ways, we've just changed their surname slightly. No. I thought we were going to go more creative than that. I did. Yeah, you had Cudler. Cudler was great. We started strong. And then you guys fucked it.

Walser. Yeah. Tabitha, the communicator. That's nice. That's nice. We started and ended very strong. That's all that matters. Like any good stuff.

stand-up comedy set. You start an end strong. We sandwiched. The middle is a mess. Yeah, we do 20 minutes of faffing. We faff way too much. When we wrap it up. Let's stop faffing. Let's wrap it up. Thank you so much to everyone that does support the show through Patreon. And thanks for

everyone that supported before November the first. We are going to get our asses into gear and get those Christmas cards mailed out to you a little bit earlier this year, hopefully. Yeah. Yes. And maybe we'll try to do it over a couple of sessions instead of one five-hour session at Matt house late at night.

But we might, maybe we'll do, because we're going to do one of our new Patreon rewards is a Patreon video chat. Maybe we'll set one up at the card session. Because we listen to Christmas carols and we have dinner. It's very cute. We're adorable. That's right. Maybe we should make this announcement on here just in case you didn't see it on our social

media or on Patreon itself. We have decided to phase out the golden hat in order to make more people involved in voting on the topics. So to make it a bit more inclusive, so now the level that was the Golden Hat, which was limited to nine or ten people, is now open to anyone. And if you get involved with that level,

you get to vote on my topic as well as Matt's topic, so two votes a month. And you also get an exclusive video chat, which we're going to be doing in a couple of weeks for the month of November, for the first ever one. So that should be fun, right? Yeah.

Really pumped for that. Really pumped. We both sounded pumped. Yeah. It's so late at night when we're recording this. It'll be interesting. We'll have to find a time where people from all around the world can be awake. I reckon it should be 12pm Gary Indiana time.

Yeah, I think that would be great. Do we have any Gary listeners? Oh my God. Surely someone would have reached out to me if they were from Gary. Surely. Do you live in Gary? If you want to get in contact and you're either from Gary or not from Gary, but if you are, please do get in contact.

It's at do go on pod on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. And do go on pod at gmail.com. Please. Drop us a line. And I think the nicest, Dave started mentioned this recently. It was something so nice if you can't do any of those other things. Just the nicest thing if you can just recommend us to a friend.

And we've been getting messages from people saying, oh, I heard about this from a friend of mine. And it is fucking so sweet. It's the best. And if you could recommend it to the mayor of Gary, Indiana, so we get awarded the key, that would be so good. I want to get the key to Gary. Imagine you could unlock any Gary hole, any Gary.

Any Gary lock. Any Gary hole? Matt, no, that's not how keys work, for starters. Isn't that what you get if you get the key to the city? You can open any lock? No, it's a symbolic key. Oh, I wondered how that would work. Yeah, the Simpsons lied to us.

I still want it. Yeah, I'll want it. But don't put in any Gary's holes. Stop it. It would be really cool if we could be listed as the official podcast of Gary, Indiana. Yes. I just want to be on their flag. Have you seen their symbol?

No. It's pouring liquid steel onto the globe. Oh, that's cool. That is so awesome. I took it as a threat. Oh, that's how they intended it. And they're also called themselves the city of the century. It doesn't specify what's in century.

Huge call. Love it. I love it. What? Really? The city of the century. You've done a lot of research. Fucking love, Gary.

Awesome. All right, cool. Well, let's get a lot. out of here so we can get to Gary. We're going to get to Gary so we can go to bed. Thanks again for listening everyone. We'll see you next week and until then I will say goodbye.

Later. Hi. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want. It's up to you. Ottoman Army is here to stay.

What's that? It's my song, Ottoman Did you make it up? I made up the parts that said, Otterman. Dave, do go on. So the bit that you didn't make up was Army here to say. Yeah, that's an Elvis Costello song, Oliver's Army.

But we changed it to Ottoman Army. Ottoman Army is on its way. Ottoman Army is here to stay. And I would rather be anywhere. else but here with fly the impula it's like when toddlers sing to themselves that's what he's doing right now Toddler sing Elvis Costello's up which they often do

I often do sorry Dave about all of that that you'll obviously edit out don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there wherever we go we always hear six months later Oh, you should come to Manchester. We were just in Manchester. But this way you'll never miss out.

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