Do Go On - 123 - The Gun Powder Plot

Episode Date: February 28, 2018

Dave reports on what was possibly the most braizen assassination attempt of all time. Robert Catesby, Guy Fawkes and a rag tag of their Catholic pals plot to blow up the King and the whole of the British parliament in fell swoop. Can they pull it off? Or is there another reason we must "Remember, remember the fifth of November"? - Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes:www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPod- Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: http://bit.ly/DoGoOnHat Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:http://www.history.com/topics/gunpowder-plothttp://www.bbc.co.uk/timelines/z3hq7tyhttp://www.bbc.co.uk/history/british/civil_war_revolution/gunpowder_robinson_01.shtmlhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gunpowder_Plot#Plothttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StwIeUnz0FQhttp://www.history.com/topics/reformationhttp://www.dw.com/en/the-main-differences-between-catholics-and-protestants/a-37888597http://www.britannia.com/history/r-catesby.htmlhttps://www.britannica.com/biography/Guy-Fawkeshttp://www.patheos.com/blogs/naturalwonderers/catholics-protestants/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amarna, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there.

Canada, we are visiting you in September this year. If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal, and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates.

And welcome to another episode of DoGo on. My name is Dave Warnocky and I'm here with Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart. Whoa. He looked at the wrong person at the wrong time. Huh? Because I don't even care who you are. That was a joke just for us. Yeah, but Matt shared it with everyone.

I love to share. Matt loves to get everyone involved. Yeah. Do that at one of our live shows. Point to the wrong person. That'll be fun. Point to someone in the front row. Jess Perkins.

And they're like, me? I'm Jess, all right. And then they feel very sad because they realize they're Jess. And you feel really good because you're not you anymore. Yeah, the dream. Sweet release.

A dream to be so. I'm this guy. Tell me I'm this guy. Give me your wallet. I'm you now. And then I've got his money. Hopefully he has lots of it. I reckon.

We have very wealthy clientele. Clientel, we call it. Because we're so wealthy. Are we sex workers? Well, I mean, restaurants also have clientele, let's be honest. Maybe most businesses. Clientel? Customers.

Jess has never been in a business before. She's never used a clientele word. Okay, don't be patronising, just because I'm new to business. Patronising. We have many patrons. Another word for clientele. I can't get this wrong. I'll never be a businessman.

You've got a great briefcase there. You look like you're well on your way. I'm wearing a power suit. It's hot in here. In the power suit? Yeah. It's great. You are bloody swimming in it.

It's got a little heater in it. It seemed like a silly ad-on purchase. I know why you're ballooning out there. When the suit sails. Floating up to the ceiling. She's full of helium. Do you want me to throw in a little suit heater with your purchase and I'll do your deal and I said um yes please um is that even a question I'm not an idiot

give me two two heaters oh no I'm boiling well you look fantastic thank you I look powerful yeah it's because I'm literally radiating heat all right now let's actually do a pod okay uh if you haven't heard the show before because you maybe like the topic what's happened here is I, Dave Warnaghy, have picked this topic. Jess and Matt don't know what it's going to be about. It's been suggested by one of the listeners. And we always start with a question to get on to said topic. So my question is, I'm going to get it.

You want to have a guess before he asks? Okay, yep, Jess have a quote. Bananas. Okay, great. And you, Matt? The history of bananas. Not saying Jess is wrong. Okay.

Far lap, the horse. and it's and it racing horse racing nice try remember that time i said banana logic because we recorded two episodes out of sync no one ever said anything about it at the end of one episode i enjoyed it though i said something about how about that thing last week when i talked about banana logic and then we record the next one i had to

and the whole episode i'm waiting to go all right handel i've got to work banana logic in and then you dave was wrapping up i'm like oh and what i The other thing, this guy, BTK Killies, really got banana logic, doesn't he? All right. And no one messes going, was Matt okay? No one cares. So what happened? I was...

I'd forgotten. And then I just thought you'd lost it. And I thought Jess was laughing because you'd lost it. And it was only when I read listened back to the other episode that I remember, oh, that's the context. I just thought you just gone, oh, banana logic, I'm Matt, I'm crazy. I'm wacky. Whoa. Okay.

Question. According to a traditional rhyme, we must remember, remember the fifth of... November. I'm going to stick with my original answer. Far lap. Race, horse, race. Horse race.

Horse race. Far lap. I literally said I'm going to get this question. And if you believe in yourself, like I did, dreams can come to... Tell me it's September. Tell me it's September. It's November.

It is Remembrance Day, is it? It's November. It is the 5th of November. Okay, Jess, do you know what we're remembering? Guy Fawkes Day. Guy Fawkes, night. Night. That's very good.

That's great. He's the guy from the mask from Anonymous and Vifa Vendida. Vinded. That's how we say it in our country. So the traditional rhyme is, Remember, the 5th of November, the gunpowder, treason and plot. I know of no reason why gunpowder treason should ever be forgot. This week's topic is the gunpowder plot.

Great. I vaguely know about this. It's got to do with gunpowder. It's got to do with forks. It's got to do with plots. That is all you need to know. And also other things, but I don't want to give too much away. You don't know anything else, do you?

What if I said the word foibled? It's got to be out there with one of my favorite words, by the way. It sounds not quite a word, is it? It sounds a bit like... Foiled. Foiled. Foiled. It sounds like, again, we've recorded this out of order.

And next week, no, last week you talked about, foibled. You have to try and get that in somehow. But no, Matt just can't talk. All right. Foiled and foibles. Foibles is something... It's like a floor. Floor.

And what their floor was that they were foiled, which is what got me to foibled. Let Dave do the report. I might just step out. Okay. Your biggest floor and... And something that you often face is a foible. My pelvic floor. Not being able to say foibled.

Yep. Okay, this topic was suggested by Stuart Alcock with his final golden hat suggestion. I've got a couple of those left. People that supported us a lot through Patreon. Thank you, Stuart Alcock. It's also been suggested, so it definitely goes out to you. But the topic has also been suggested, went back through the hat, by Barry Worthington and Callum MacDonald. Both good names.

But no, Stuart Alcock. So a bit of background on this topic. We've got a whole episode devoted to him, but to put this all into context, we have to talk briefly about King Henry the 8th. He loved fucking and beheading. Oh, yeah. So to sum this up really quickly, between 1533 and 1540, Henry took control of the English church from Rome and the Vatican, and by doing so, he started several decades of religious tension

in England. Basically, he wanted an annulment of his 20-plus-year marriage to his first wife, Catherine of Aragon and he wrote to the Pope and asked if he could have an annulment of the marriage because Catherine was actually his brother's widow and he shouldn't have married her in the first place and it was against the Bible and that's why God wasn't giving him the male air he deserved. The Pope refused so Henry said fuck you I'm making my own church but I'm the boss and I say what happened. Did he write back fuck you?

Again Jess I did a whole report on this episode 62. I don't listen. Are you kidding me? Fuck you. Oh. To quote Henry the 8th. You know the whole remember, remember the 5th of November? The problem with that is the bit you remember is the remember, remember, remember. And then the rest could be anything.

Remember, remember the 7th of September. Like, it's still rhymes. Yeah. Remember, remember, the 26th of August. Yeah, exactly. It could be anything. So really, they could have been, they should have made it like, November, Snow November, the 5th of November.

Hey? Catchy? Myths November. Myths November. The 5th of November. Thank you. That's much better. Jess is looking at me with respect for the first time.

First time for everything. So to keep summarising here, Henry made himself the head of the Church of England, which these days... Like a Voltron sort of scenario. Yeah, that's right. So in summary, he made himself the head of the Church of England, which these days is Anglican, which is a type of Protestantism. After Henry died, there was a lot of yo-yoing back and forth between a Protestant king, or queen and a Catholic king or queen.

And to varying degrees, to put it very basically, if the monarch was Protestant, the Catholics were persecuted, and if they were Catholic, the Protestants were victimized. So people would go through a generation where they're like,

we're on top, and then another generation where they were being persecuted and sort of went back and forth. Why can't we be friends? No, they're totally different. Can we be friends? Because the king recently said they were.

It's such, it's one of my favorite splits. inner people, you know, like it just seems like such a minor thing. There are very, I was looking up the differences. It's mostly the big things of the Pope. Catholics have the Pope. The Protestant people don't think that he's like the head of the church. The Archbishop of Canterbury, right? Well, that's the head of the highest religious figure in the Church of England.

That's right. And then there's a difference between saints, Catholics pray to saints. In addition to God and Jesus, Protestants acknowledge saints, but don't pray to them. Right. Oh, okay. Catholics have holy water. Pergatory. Protestants have Gatorade.

Got to get those electrolytes. And another minor difference is communion in Catholicism. The bread and wine become the blood and body of Jesus Christ, meaning that Jesus is truly present. In Protestantism, it's more symbolic. Yeah. I mean, it's not actually his blood, is it? Well, no, that's what you're talking to Catholicism.

But I think they kind of believe that it's, When I was there, I reckon that even the teachers were like, you know, we know it's a symbol. Yeah, I took it as symbolic. Well, you took it as Protestant then. Wow. You didn't realize. Oh, no. I've got to go back and apologize to my Catholic school educators.

See, they go. Go do reconciliation, please. Fuck. Reconciliation was the best. It's great. You got a lot of stuff off your chest. Yeah, but also like you're nine when you do your first one. It was really a lot of it was, I spoke back to.

my parents and then he just keeps looking at you and nodding and you're like, what do you want more? And I hit my brother because he made me angry. I didn't finish my porridge one time. Do you start making up stuff? Yeah, absolutely do. Because you're nine. You haven't sinned.

I punched a priest. You're born a sinner, Jess. Oh, man. Anyway, let's get back to. I feel so guilt-free. It's great. I love it. Wait, what did you grow up?

An Anglin? No, and nothing. A heathen. Sorry, heathens the word I'm looking for. I mean, I'm glad you're guilt-free now, but as you're being burnt to death in hell. No, you won't be burnt to death, were you? Burnt to life.

Burnt to life. Thank you. Forget how it works. So basically, this is the summary of what has led up to these things. Henry the 8th, son of his son, Edward the sixth, succeeded him. So he did finally have a son. And he was the first monarch to be raised Protestant. Before that, they were raised Catholic.

But when he was found to be dying when he was just a teenager, he went to great lengths to make sure he wouldn't be replaced by a Catholic. Oh, wow. So he undercut his half-sisters Mary and Elizabeth and instead had his first cousin, Lady Jane Gray, to replace him. She was also a teenager when she ascended the throne. And there's a reason she is known to history as the nine-day queen. Oh.

Oh, I've got a funny feeling. Because she was only on the throne for nine days before Mary had her arrested and ultimately executed. Yeah, it feels like you don't want to be the one who cheats their way to the top for someone else. It's like you are going to be killed soon. Yeah. Rather than just living your life as a kind of royal person. It's a dog-eat-dog world. Point your turn.

I reckon... If you've got an opportunity to be a queen, you take it. For nine days. It's longer than I've been the Queen of England. Yeah, me too. Really? Yeah. Oh.

I got seven. Dave? 15. Fuck. God. He's good. So now Mary the First is on the throne. She was a Catholic,

and there's a reason she's known to history as Bloody Mary. She loved Tobasco-infused cocktails. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And murdering Protestants. Oh. Mary was Henry V.8's oldest daughter,

and dedicated her life to try and reverse all the stuff her father had done with the church. So she tried to reconnect with the Vatican, make it all Catholic again. During her five-year reign, Mary had over 200. 180 religious dissenters burned at the stake. Wow. So she was hardline anti-Protestant. But then Mary died and she was replaced by her half-sister and Henry VIII's other daughter, Elizabeth I'm the first. She's a big deal.

Now there's a reason she's known to history as the Virgin Queen. She loved cocktails but hated alcohol, so always had virgin bloody Mary's. I mean, it didn't need that last bit. I think we already got it, but. I didn't. And perhaps. Perhaps that's why she remained a virgin Throughout her spectacular

45 year reign 45 She's only big She never had a dickon So it goes 45 year old virgin No no no That's how long she lived to be

Like into a 60s She's a second longer serving After Elizabeth 2 No I think it goes Elizabeth the second Queen Victoria Oh Queen Victoria Virgin the whole time

I'm sure I dwelt on this a lot last time too Sorry Not judging Yeah, but that's not... Just curious. Is that something people actually believe? I'm pretty sure that people believe she was a virgin. Yeah, right.

She never had any airs. Yeah. I mean, you can use protection. Yeah, you can... I don't think so. I don't believe in it. You can do this without... There's other options.

Making a baby. What are the options? Put them on the table. Well, I'm not going to put them on the table. I don't want to do that. We have young listeners. I don't want to... I don't want to be a bad anyway.

The things we talk about on this show, and you're worried about this, about explaining how they can have safe sex. No, I wouldn't want to ruin their life. I wouldn't want to ruin their life. Okay, so Elizabeth I first. Like you said, Matt, big deal, a very famous queen. One of her first actions as queen was the establishment

of an English Protestant church. So now it's back to Protestant, of which she became the Supreme Governor, Supreme Governor. All right, Supreme Governor. Shiny shoes. Get your paper. Buy your condoms.

I don't believe in that. Now this fully swung back to Protestantism with the monarch being the head of the church again. Because she had no kids, virgin, Catholics hoped that Elizabeth's successor would be her cousin Mary, Queen of Scots. She was the legitimate heir to the throne, but her career

and she's also very, very Catholic. She's also only, funnily enough, the queen of people named Scott. Which is pretty limiting. She also had... Her back then it wasn't as popular. She had at least three dozen subjects. Now she's got like 10 in every fraternity house.

Some of Scots. Mary Queen of Scots. Big Catholic. Catholics are hoping that she'll be. She's a legitimate throne. What's this surname? She's not one of mine, is she? She's not one of the street. Yes, she is the father of...

Father and mother of James Stewart. Bloody hell. Your name's James Stewart, with a Matthew at the front. Yep. I'm sad to report, Matt, that her career faltered when she had her head cut off for treason. Yeah, runs in the bloody family. Headless chooks, that's all. You've got a head on right now.

Yeah, well. It's hard to recover from that. Elizabeth knocked her off. She's the one who chopped her head off. Elizabeth eventually died in 1603 at the age of 69. Lul. Ironic for the Virgin. Oh.

She was succeeded by Mary Queen of Scott's son, James, who had already been King James I of Scotland for over 35 years at this point, and because of his English royal blood, was able to unify the English, Irish and Scottish crowns and became King James I of England. And who better than to unite the three countries that are man, historians now describe as crude and vulgar who slobbered everywhere. What is he?

A bloody family. A bloody, what he's, St. Bernard? Yes. Oh, that'd be a cute movie. It's a king, but he's a Saint Bernard. It's been done. Fuck. No, it probably hasn't.

Probably has. Copyright. No one do it. King Bud. I reckon it would have happened. Oh, that's so cute. King Beethoven. So James I first also was a Protestant.

So now you've had, finally had two kings and queens in a row that believe in the same stuff. So finally a bit of stability, I guess. consistency of anything, nothing else. But guess who was still unhappy with this? Catholics. Interesting. This was despite the fact that James's attitude towards Catholics could be seen as more moderate than that of his predecessor, Elizabeth.

Some would even call him tolerant. After all, he was the son of the Catholic martyr, Mary Queen of Scots, and his wife Anne of Denmark had herself converted to Catholicism. His mum's Catholic. Wife's a Catholic? A wild time. He let his wife have her own choice. It's a wild time.

So she converted to Catholicism. What was the Danish fashion of the time, religion-wise? I imagine, I have no idea. Oh, it's quite an imagination you have there. Didn't want to go out on the limb. Yeah, because you'd think for her to go different from her king husband than maybe it was maybe fashionable and, not that religion's fashionable. Maybe she was just agnostic.

fashionable. How agnostic. And then decided to... It's like whatever's in this. Yeah, cool. Or maybe she just, she saw Catholic God. Maybe she tried a bit of everything. Yeah, it's a very confusing thing. It is.

But it was basically because one guy wanted to get divorced. Is that kind of simplified? Simplified, that's what it is. Yeah, well, King Henry the 8th wanting to get divorce has set in motion all these events. Fascinating. Another reason that Catholics were pretty excited about King James I first was he, appointed some Catholic sympathises to important roles in his monarchy,

which something Elizabeth never would have done. So this relaxation led to considerable growth in the number of visible Catholics. People no longer had to hide their Catholic sympathies. Still heaps of invisible ones, though. The invisible ones really thrived under this dog-eat-dog circumstances. You're talking about ghosts, Dave? Invisible Catholics. I prefer the politically correct term,

Invisible Catholics. That's a new band name. The Invisible Catholics? No. Invisible Catholics. Get rid of The. Oh, that's like the furious Wikipedia debate amongst people whether the band Eagles is called Eagles or The Eagles. And people go back and forth and add the and people are really angry about it.

Yeah, imagine you just have to look at one of their albums and it should say. I'm pretty sure that even their albums are inconsistent. Wow, I love that. I love that about them. Okay, so people are now public. Catholic a bit more, but it wasn't enough. Many wanted a fully Catholic leader, and James wasn't as tolerant as Summitope. Some people thought that he might be like, it's cool to be whatever.

Yeah. But he wasn't that cool. He wasn't fully Catholic. He wasn't fully on board. So some members of the Catholic clergy decided that something had to be done. Uh-oh. They developed two plots. One is called the main plot.

The other one is called the bi plot. Pick one. What would you be a part of? The buy plot. Okay, Jess, you're in the main plot. Kind of like going shopping. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint, but neither was successful. The main plot was to get rid of the king and replace him with his cousin, Lady Arbella Stewart.

Arbella. Nice name. Pretty. This plot involved Sir Walter Raleigh, who I discussed in more detail on the Lost Colony of Rowanoke, episode 102. Oh, gosh. This is a real shared universe episode. It's crazy, isn't it? That's a busy guy.

Because of his involvement in this plot, when it didn't go well, Raleigh was imprisoned in the Tower of London for 13 years. What? So that's pretty bad. It's from real estate. Imagine how much it'd cost to buy an apartment there now. What, for 13 years, rent for free? Amazing deal. Plus meals?

Oh my God. Torture? Get it all. So that's the main plot. It was discovered and ended early in the buy plot was even worse. That plan was for two famous priests, William Watson and William Clark, the two willies. Famous priests. What a ton.

They plan to kidnap. Well, I mean, right now, the Pope, I guess, is the one, isn't he? He's the famous priest. He's the famous priest. Another great band name, the famous priests. Sorry, famous priests. Thank you. Willie and Willie, they plan to kidnap King James and hold him in the Tower of London

until he agreed to be more tolerant towards Catholics, which for me is very... Go on. Come on. Like, you've imprisoned the king. What do you think that when he gets out, he's going to just stay true to his word and not just, like, kill you? Well, that plan, two was discovered early, and the two willies were executed. Oh, not, they cut the willies off. Oh.

And the, uh, they probably did cut their witties off. They chopped the heads off the willies. So the plan actually backfired for Catholics because now, uh, he didn't like... My willies are burning at the stake. So they, just in case they killed them that way. Oh. Covering all angles there. Oh, my willies drowning to death.

At the stake. At the steak. Can a willy drown? Oh no, firing squad is shooting my willies. Well, I've hanged my willy. My willies hanging from that tree. My willies being electrocuted in a chair. Both of them.

Okay, I think that might be. I've had a lethal injection in my willies. Got two willies. My willies are. Why will he's given a few lethal injections, am I right? Oh, no. Said Willie as he was dying. Dave.

No, no good. Shouldn't be lethal. Am I still doing it wrong? He doesn't know how to do it. You wouldn't put it on the table earlier. That's true. This is on me in a way. This is my fault.

So I wanted to say, the plan had backfired spectacularly for the Catholic because they fucked up and then also now the king hates Catholics because they're seen as a threat. He publicly announced these utter detestation

of Catholicism. Within days all priests and Jesuits had been expelled and recuency fines reintroduced and these are fines given to those who remain loyal to the Pope and who do not attend Church of England services

which is actually a requirement by law at this time. So if you don't go to a church, you have to pay a massive fine. Wow. And he sort of lapsed that so people didn't have to go to church. But now he's been threatened by the Catholics. He's like, fuck it.

You're all going to church. You're paying. You're paying. Silly. So now James is pissed off at Catholics. And Catholics are really, really pissed off at James. One such pissed off Catholic man was a man called Robert Katesby. Don't like it.

He's very central to this story. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to say it a few more times. Kate'sby. What are you? The Great Katesby. Okay, all right. I'm kind of back now. Back on, okay.

I've tried to read the Great Gatsby three times. Really? It's great. No, I can't get into it. Really interesting. I've really tried. How far do you reckon you get in? Oh, like maybe a chapter or two.

Oh. Bored. West Egg and all those things? Bored. Have you seen the film? Nah. Oh, good, because I find that often ruins books. He started imagining Leonardo de Caprione instead of your own.

Oh, I imagine him in any character anyway. He plays all the characters in my mind books. Yeah? Oh. I have mind books. I'll try it. Keep talking about Katesby then. The Great Katsby.

Born in 1573, he was a direct descendant of William Katesby, a high-ranking counsellor of King Richard III, and a character in the Shakespeare player the same name. How cool to be to be related to a Shakespearean character? What? You're pretty cool? That's cool. Robert Katsby's father, Sir William of Lapworth.

was a proud Catholic man and one of the leaders of the Catholic cause and throughout his childhood, Robert saw his father suffer greatly because of his strong faith. Robert was only eight years old and his father was arrested for the first time and from then on his father spent the rest of his life in and out of prison, mainly for refusing to go to the Protestant church. Robert himself entered Oxford, went to university in 1586, but left before getting his degree in order to avoid taking the oath of supremacy, which would have required him to publicly swear allegiance to the monarch

as supreme governor of the Church of England. So basically if he'd got up there and refused, he would have been in a lot of trouble, sort of avoid actually even being asked to do it. He dropped out of uni. Didn't get his degree. In 1593, Robert married Catherine Lee, who was a Protestant. Kate Lee?

Catherine Lee, okay. There was much speculation that he converted to Protestantism at the time but reverted back to Catholicism upon his wife's death five years later. Oh. Which kind of blows my mind because he's like hardline what you probably call an extremist today. Right. Yet he converted to the other side and then came back. He just loves a team game.

I reckon that's with some of these people. Like it sounds like the differences aren't that big. It's not like you're fully changing everything. You're still believing the same God. So you're just like you're loyal to your team, right? Your family and whatever. I think love will make you do wacky things. I think love will tear you apart.

Again. Wow. You are bitter. I'm bitter from love Who hurt you My lethal injection Oh okay Wait

You injected yourself No I just can't love anything Right Dyes Okay Stop putting your dick in everything you love Oh this apple I love this apple

That house plant I loved it I thought it was yeah A donut That donut That donut That donut Very fortunate

Fortunely Didn't touch the sod Luckily it was a big donut It was more of a bangle. A large bangle. Bangle shaped doughnut. Edible bangle. Bangle shaped donut.

An edible bangle is a great idea. Another great band name. The edible bangles? Edible bangles, please. Oh my God. So this is back to Catesby. Through his wife and grandmother, he inherited a great fortune. With his fortune, he was able to pay the large fines

to not attend Protestant church. So he's shelling out just so he doesn't have to go to church. Wow. I would have done that as a kid. I'm a big, I've said this at work today. I'm a big fan of paying for convenience. Okay. But even I would probably just go to church.

Rather than, because most people, if you don't have enough money, if you're not wealthy, you can't afford to do this. Yeah. You've got to be. It's expensive. It's very expensive. If it was like two bucks, I would never go. I think it's more like having to pay.

They pass that hat around anyway. So you're still probably in. up putting a couple of bucks in there and you're at church you know how i stopped going to church my parents offered me a deal when i was about 12 um if i joined the tennis team which was a church tennis team i think okay then i the games were on at the same time as church so i became a tennis player nice i don't what why were your parents like you have to be tennis player is well i think though i think maybe they realized that i you know i wasn't fully I don't know.

I guess I should ask them about that. It's weird, right? You think you want to take me to church. It seems like a weird flip to then go or tennis. Okay, question. Did they have to stop going to church and attend your tennis games instead? Oh, one of them maybe did. See, it's sweet deal for them.

They have to go to church every two weeks. No, but I thought they liked it. Oh, fuck. You thought wrong. Look, I really need it. I probably should be having this discussion with them. Let's call them now. In a way, I mean, do they listen to the point?

podcast? No. You could be having the conversation with them if they supported you. They do not do that, no. My brother and sister do. No, my sister does. Anyway, fuck you, Tom. Yeah, fuck off Tom.

Hi, Tom. The better looking Stuart. But no, yeah, my mom teaches at a Catholic school still. And your dad still teaches at a tennis school. And yeah, my dad's still a tennis ball. My dad's a tennis ball. It's still a tennis ball. Bounth and about.

Love you, dad. Love your dad. You bouncy fuck. So, Kaysby is definitely the minority in people avoiding church. So this time, most Catholics kept their beliefs private and went to Protestant church just to avoid trouble, basically. It should be noted, pardon? Pussies. Pussies.

Just pick up a racket, man. It should be noted that during this era, England were at war with Catholic Spain, making the authorities even more suspicious of Catholics, because they thought there might be double agents acting on behalf of Catholic Spain. Did any leave? I mean, you might not have gone down this rabbit hole, but did many English Catholics leave to Catholic-friendly countries, like Italy and Spain or whatever? Yes, a famous person in this story,

I'll talk about left to fight for Spain. Right. Because he was a Catholic. A certain guy. Oh, God, I know that's down. Not a woman. Queen of the Scots. She's dead.

And that sounds like this person was alive. And a guy. Yeah, I'm going to put a line through Mary Queen of Scots. But I'm not willing to rule anyone else in or out at this stage. We'll keep you posted. Thank you, Colombo. Catesby took a few risks. He was a trusted member of the Catholic community.

And he even hid priests at his house, which, Remember, they've all been banished. That's a very risky crime for both him and the priest. Wonder where he hit him. Probably a priest cupboard. You know the priest cupboard. It's strange that the authorities never check the priest covered. Yeah, I know. It's right there on the sign and the door.

It's labelled priest. And it says like occupied by priest. Occupido. Which is Spanish. Is it? Occupado. Fuck. Idiot.

What is what I say said mean? Nothing. Great. it's not a word and what I've often found with Spanish speakers unless you get it 100% right they look at you like

what the hell have you just said you could miss out one little like a whole sentence you miss out one like word or like the they're like I'm so sorry I do not understand what you did say similar thing in France I was on a tour

and we were going through the Bohemian area and there was he was talking about like hipster type people there were known as Bobos right Bohemian and then someone else. A couple of like French words abbreviated a bobo, right?

And he was talking about him for five minutes to tour guide. And then this guy came past who looked just like how he described them. And I go, oh, is that a bobo? And he said, I'm sorry. So what are you talking about? I'm like, that guy, is you a bobo? He's like, oh, you, uh, I have no idea. I'm embarrassed.

Oh, hang on. You mean bobo. Yes, he is. I think, Matt, what you did wrong there is that what you should have said was, is he a bobble? Yeah, no, really, it was something like a bubble. It really was something like that. I wonder if that time you saw that priest.

Wow, I just said to the priest, hipster, and then kept walking. Woo. By many accounts, Kate Spree was a very popular man in his community, very charming and a great speaker. He got on well publicly with both Catholics, and Protestants alike. And according to Britannia.com, he was considered one of the most dashing

and courageous horsemen in the country. He was a horseman. And he was dashing. Which part was which? I hope you had the horse body. Because if you're all got man legs with a horse head, that is a pretty crazy life.

If you got a horse penis, that is a lethal injection. Jesus Christ, have you seen one drop down? I still remember one of my earliest memories of saying a horse. What? Dick dropped down.

Where were you? Was that a horse paddock? And when they piss, they just drop out of them. You ever say that? And they're real big. Real big. Yeah. The earth moved.

Sounds like you haven't recovered. Wow, the earth moved. Yeah. You were also much small. I was a lot smaller. And it was like, holy moly. It was like there was like a child inside of the horse who just punched its way out. Of its stomach.

It's like a small penis-shaped child. Well, just the forearm. So a small forearm-shaped penis child. Yes. So you're asking me like it's not obviously clear. We've been talking for quite a while and we have not got to the topic. This is the topic. Well, it is and it isn't.

Well. We haven't got to the plot part. Well, we've talked a bit about penises. Dave, this is my way of saying I don't want to talk about penises anymore and I'd like to get to the point. Okay. So, Catesby, don't worry. He's the main player here. Don't worry about this.

Catesby. Horsstick. Horsick. Whatever you want to call him. Is he a horse stick? Yes. Wow. In 1601, Catesby was involved in the Essex Rebellion

and uprising against Elizabeth I, the Protestant. The rebellion was a failure. However, the wounded Catesby was captured and imprisoned at the Wood Street counter and fined 4,000 marks, which is equivalent to 6 million pounds. What the fuck? Over 10 million Australian dollars.

Holy shit. Leading him to have to sell his manner. But don't worry, he had so much money, he still made income from his many estates. What the fuck? Imagine being able to find, this is what I'm talking about, like he's fined $10 million. And he's still, he's like, whatever. Then King James became the King and things, James first became the King. And things didn't get better as the Catholic, as the Catholics had all hoped.

But they got worse. The final straw for Catesby was when James seek to bring in legislation that effectively made Catholics outlaw and unable to make money from their estates and unable to bequeath wills. So you die and then the monarchy gets your stuff, not your family. That's brutal. And you can't make money from your estates.

Like I said, that's how he makes all these monies. He's like, something has to be done. Bequeath is a good word too, isn't it? Bequeath, yeah. It's not to be confused with bequeathes. Yes. Two very different ones. You never want to be quiff.

I am quief. That's quiff is a state of mind, Dave. Be quiff. Could you guys just be quiff? Please do be quiff. You regretted that straight away. Guys, guys, just be quiff. Okay.

Matt's more on board with the toilet humor this week than Jess. It's amazing. It's not toilet humor. I'm saying, well, since we switched seats last week, I think it must be the chair. Now, I'm no longer the head of the table. Yeah, I'm the boss. Yeah, you're the respectable boss like I used to be. Okay, mate.

That's cute. David, do go on. Okay, Robert Catesby, something has to be done. So what he does, he held a meeting between himself and four of his friends. Something has to be done. I'm going to have a barbecue with my friends. Some stuff off his chest, you know? I like how you started that off with between himself, like just in case we thought he was holding a meeting without himself there.

Guys, I've organised this meeting, but I will not be in attendance. Possible. I've left out snacks for you. Change the world. Bequeef. As I always say, be quiff. There is a parallel universe somewhere where that is like the ruling party. That's how they sign off from everything.

Bequeath. So himself and his friends. having a meeting to discuss a plan that Catesby's thought up. On the 20th of May 1604, they met the duck and Drake. Fuck yes. What's it Drake again? It's a male duck, is it? Goose.

I think it's a swan. Oh. No, it is a duck. It is a duck, I'm sure of that now. Yeah. I'm sure of that now. No, I've thought about it. Not have thought about it.

A male duck, you're right. I want to double check to make sure about it. Very cool. In attendance was... Never doubt me. I always doubt. In attendance at the meeting was Catesby himself. Thomas Winter.

But Winters. They named Winter after him. Did you know that? But he's named actually Winter. Before that it was Coldie. Summer, autumn, spring and coldy. Which I kind of prefer. My favourite month is coldy.

I mean, season. Also month. January for every Marchable, coldy. Thomas Winter, a well-educated soldier who had international diplomacy skills. They hoped could help them in the long term. Would that give him diplomatic immunity? Exactly. He was also South African.

Diplomatic immunity. No. No. No. Another man at the table was Jack Wright, a noted swordsman and strong silent type. Thomas Percy. I was hoping that actually will be Jack wrong. Sorry.

Thomas Percy, that's still pretty good. Who was their man on the inside? His cousin was the Earl of Northumberland, and he'd come and go at court. with the king without suspicion because of his wealthy and powerful cousin, as well as the fifth man by the name of Captain Guido Forks. Guido. Also known as Guy Fawkes.

Wow, I didn't know his name was Guido. That's a sick name. Forks is cool too. He's a former school friend of Jack Wright, which is strange for me because I'm also a former school friend of a man named Jack Wright. I mean, they're very common names, both of them, Jack and Wright. but you put them together and you get an uncommon name. I've never said wow as many times I have in the last hour.

This is a real wow fest. Jack Wright. But Guido or Guy is the most famous name in this story. Fork was a member of a prominent Yorkshire family and a convert to Catholicism. He had an adventurous spirit and 10 years earlier he had left Protestant England for the Netherlands where he enlisted in the Catholic Spanish army. He's the one I talked about before who left to fight. fight for the Catholics.

And he is a guy. Yes. Makes sense now. You get it. Whilst on duty there, he won a reputation for great courage and cool determination. He won that reputation in a game of chess. Yes, I win this reputation. He cheated to get it.

What a cool dude. He had been recruited by Robert Katesby because the group agreed that they needed the help of a military man who would not be as readily recognizable as they were, because he's been overseas for 10 years. It also helped that he was an expert with explosives. Stick a dynamite up the butt. Oh, yeah. To get forks, because he was overseas,

they'd sent Thomas Winter, the diplomatic community man. How'd I go, first time I've ever tried it. No good, no good. We just started Strongish. I dropped off a little, and yours was the worst I've ever heard. But let me just ask you. Oh, no. What if I was to say?

Fuck, here we go. My name is Michael Cain, and I have diplomatic immunity. That was Michael Cain doing a South African accent. Yeah, it actually wasn't bad. That was pretty good. You won me back? Thank you. That was a character doing a character.

That was Jack Wright by me. That was Jack All right by me. All right, so good, so good, man. No. You won me back. But you lost me, interestingly. And I hate myself. That hasn't changed too much.

So they sent Thomas Winter, the diplomatic man, to get Guy Fawkes from the Netherlands, who without any knowledge of the precise details of the plot, returned to England and join them. He was just keen to be part of something. He's like, guys, remember me? Hey, I'm cool. Whilst Thomas was there, he'd asked Spain for help with the plan. But there were a few saying they'd already been at war with England for a long time.

That is one piece now. Yeah. So they didn't want any part of this. So now the group was assembled. The big plan was revealed. Then we're going to blow up Parliament House, hoping to kill the king and destroy all of his government. We will destroy them. Pretty good plan?

Stick a dynamite. You're going the pretty good plan is just to blow up Parliament? Yeah. That's a great idea. It's a great thought bubble. It's a thought bubble. It's a thought bubble. And Catesby wasn't sure how to do it.

He was like, all I know is I want to kill them all in one go. Then Guy Fawkes was like, well, I'm a, I'm an. explosive guy, I can make this happen. But before that, he'd got all his friends together for a secret meeting to say, how about we kill them all? That's all I've got. That's all they had. But they agreed to his plan, and they swore an oath of secrecy on a religious artifact.

What was it? It was a Protestant Bible. Okay, two different takes. Yeah, I reckon I'm right. Shortly afterwards, they leased a small house in the heart of Westminster. So they're trying to blow up the House of Parliament, which is still where Big Ben and stuff is today. Right.

Along the Thames there. And all those old buildings are still there as they are now? Yeah, well, those buildings where, I mean, there's plenty of other buildings around it. Interesting. The same building's still there. Oh, hang on, no. They've all been painstakingly rebuilt. God, he's good.

He's so fucking sneaky, isn't he? God, you are good. Well done, mate. You should go on Josh Earle's podcast with lying like that or deceit and question asking like that. you've heard his feelings I've seen you on Joshel's podcast that's very funny remember that time we're all on there

I don't think Matt did any of that kind of question no I was yeah I think I lost pretty convincingly anyway so they agreed to it shortly afterwards they released they released this small small house in the heart of Westminster installing forks as caretaker

under the alias of John Johnson oh come on which is such a terrible Made up name. If you're going to come up with a made-up name. John, John. That was honestly like, okay, what's your caretaker's name?

John. Okay, surname. Johnson. Let me finish. I hadn't done yet. Nailed it. The seventh. The old of Westminsterabby, Downton. Just call me John Johnston.

Please, I'm humble. You've already changed your surname. I know. Bowls are forming All my friends call me Johnston Even though my name's John Johnson It's a little joke Just call me Dwayne the John Johnson

Why does it? Dwayne the John Johnson Can you smell What the John is cooking I don't want to smell What the John is cooking No Why is it cooking

Oh I've put the lid down So good. John Johnson, such a good made-up name. Thomas Percy had secured a position as a royal bodyguard, thanks to his mate, the Earl of Northumberland. He's one with the connections. And he claimed that John Johnson was his servant, meaning that John was able to freely roam.

Hang on, a bodyguard has a servant. It's a ceremonial bodyguard. I don't think it was actually, it was more like, hey, this is my cousin. Can he give him a job? Sure, bodyguard. Yeah. He's in the posse, basically.

And the posse member has a servant. Yeah, and the servant. And the servant, because he's part of the posse members, or because he's the posse member servant, he can roam around and no one's like, what are you doing here? Yeah, like I'm getting shoes for my master. I'm joined the John Johnson. All right.

All right. Can you smell what I'm cooking? Why do people keep saying? For the explosion, they needed a lot of gunpowder. And rich man, Catesby, had a house across the river. Of course he fucking did. Where they started stockpiling the explosives. The opening of Parliament, which is when they were going to hit when everyone's in attendance, the opening, was postponed until the following year.

So the group went to ground and didn't meet up for several months. Mole people. They went to ground with the mole people. It's always the mole people. I tell you every time, mole people. You actually do. This actually gave them a lot of time to plan. And when they were a group, they started to dig a tunnel from the house that Guy Fawkes, John Johnson, is living in, towards the House of Lords.

So actually they're going to go underneath. Whoa. I'm into this. Yeah, I'm like a this. And they had definitely mole people. They are digging like mole people. Yep. Oh, yeah, that too.

I just had a gut feeling. Due to fears of the plague, which was still killing off people during this period, the... What kind of which plague? The black plague is coming in. It's a... Were there many plagues? Because there is the black plague, but then there's also the plague.

But are they the same? Same plague? Yes, the same, the black death, the plague, the bubonic plague. It's all the same name for the same thing. And what happens is it comes around for a bit, kills a lot of people, sort of dies down, comes back for many hundreds of years. Really? We should do an episode about the plague. We should.

It's definitely in the hat. Is it? Yeah. Oh, sick. Because... Yeah, it is sick. A lot of people are very sick. Jesus.

Sorry if that's too soon. Too soon. My great-great-great-great-great-grandfather's great-great-grandfather. I read a book about the play again. It is nasty stuff. Wow. I wowed that. I'm wowing everything today. It's like, what's the worst illness you've ever had?

You've had the flu? Swine flu. I had that once. Did you? Yeah. Did you really? Yeah. You had swine flu? Yeah, but it was probably...

Does that mean you ate a pig or you became a pig? No. Or you fucked a pig? Yes. Whatever I was calling my penis before. Oh, you killed a peg. I killed a peg. Peg the pig.

He's pegging for his life. You actually had swine flu. You were pegged a pig? Yeah. But it was like probably a year after it was like the big one in the news. It was more common. How is it different to regular flu? The doctor just said it was swine flu.

And you just blindly trusted the doctor. Well, yeah. You fucking. Wine flu. Like, name it someone else. Pig flu. I'd call it. Flu.

Bacon powder. Oink flu. It just feels like why I mean, why you're putting on the pigs for starters, but it also makes people who get it feel to me like, you know, you don't want to be anywhere near them. Like I'm some sort of pig boy. Yeah. Not there's anything wrong with that.

So my best friends are pig boys. But, you know, not everyone's as tolerant as me. there you go. Anyway, the worst illness you ever had times it by like eight. That's the plague. Eight swines. Because of the black death coming up, it actually delayed Parliament another six months,

which halted the plan again. However, they were able to decide during this halting time that after they exploded the king, they would kidnap his daughter Elizabeth and then install her as the puppet queen, but really they'd be in charge behind the scenes telling her what to say. Okay. Like, Catholics are good, right?

Catholics are good, right. Oh, kidnap her. It's like what you said before. Once the monarch is free and by themselves. That's not a lot of clever stuff going on in this story. They had to dig slow so guards weren't alerted on the grounds above. But eventually the plotters tunnel reached the main foundations of the House of Lords. Then they brought the gunpowder in barrels from Catesby's house across the river

and then they put it into the tunnel. then some news came in. Great news for the team, but bad news for the tunnel digging team because Thomas Percy was able to rent a vault that was directly under the House of Lords. So the plotters decided they no longer needed to carry on with the tunnel plan. Some people have dug a tunnel every day for like nine months and then they didn't use it. I'd be like, can we just use both? Like, come on, I need this.

Let's fill the tunnel with explosives as well. Two bombs. Two bongs? Yes. Fuck it. 420, blaze it. Woo! So instead, Guy Fawkes started moving the barrels of gunpowder and kindling into the vault.

He did this under the cover of nightfall and once in the vault he hid the barrels behind firewood. So if you went in there, it looks like there's a lot of wood stacked up. And how does firewood differ to wood? It's chopped, it's dry. It's ready to burn. Good stuff, Matt. Great definition. All this time in the Midlands of the country, an uprising was being planned for the aftermath of the explosion.

The conspirators needed extra funds and they enlisted wealthy Catholic Ambrose Rookwood. Yes. Holy fuck. That's good. Oh, my goodness. I know a dog called Ambrose. Really? That is a great name.

Ambrose Rookwood. Holy fuck. I'd put that up there. Oh, my God. Matt, Matt, Matt. Whoa. Maddie. I'm buzzing.

I really should have put his name second because the other name, what do you reckon about it? Francis Tresham That's fine Does sound a bit like one of mispronunciations Tresham Franchus Tresham Yeah that sounds like something Stephen

Who's actually I love Francis Tresham Stephen This is actually Catesby's cousin Who was Who'd come into a lot of money And they donated the money So they came into a lot of money

We've all wanted to come into a lot of money And I have with a lethal injection Oh Dave No Sorry I'm ruining everything. I'm going to call you lethal weapon. Okay.

Don't call him lethal weapon. Call his Johnson. No. Dwayne, the John Johnson. The John Johnson. They use this money to buy weapons to be used after the explosions in the uprising. So they're sort of arming people in the Midlands. So they can also have a bit of a, you know, a revolt.

Viva revolution. Matt's favorite thing to yell at our live shows. Everything feels like it's going along. Great. This feels like it would be hard to fuck up. Just go and blow it. it up, got the guns. Away we go.

Okay, so you say everything's going great. The head of the Jesuit mission in England, Father Henry Garnet, learned of the conspiracy through one of his subjects confessional. Oh, my God. Oh, come on. You big dummies? Is this a bit of privacy there? Isn't there between the priest and God?

Don't. Don't tell the priest. I mean, you... No. I guess one of the bad things of spreading the uprising, you're recruiting people is that the more people that know, the more people that know the more people that can leak it. Exactly.

That's their big mistake. So Father Henry, he hears about it in Confessional. He's horrified by the plan revolt. He contacts Katesby, tries to convince him not to act. But he is ignored. They're going to go ahead anyway. Meanwhile, the opening of Parliament is delayed yet another month. This would be so frustrating.

It's been a long time. He's ready to go. He's ready to explode. They've got the bloody gunpowder ready to rock. Finally, on November the 5th, Parliament is. set to open. In attendance at this state opening, because it's the big ceremonial first day of parliament, would be, as well as the monarch's nearest relatives and members of the Privy Council,

there'd be, so the monarch himself, his family, senior judges of the English legal system, most of the Protestant aristocracy, the bishops of the Church of England, as well as the members of the House of Lords and all the members of the House of Commons. So if they were all to die at once, the monarchy and the government would be thrown into complete chaos, which is what they want. John Goodman would end up as the king, I reckon. I reckon he'd rise through the ranks, the only one left. I think so.

However, a couple of weeks before this on October 26th, Frances Tresham, the man who is Robert Kaysby's cousin that's donated money, well, his brother-in-law, Lord Montego, no. Good name, Lord Montego. Pretty good, yeah. He received an unsigned letter warning him not to attend the opening of Parliament

on the 5th of November. Montego was one of the many Catholics, who was loyal to the crown, and he decides to show the letter to the King's chief minister, Robert Cecil. One of Monteckel's servants alerted the plotters that they may have been found out by the letter. Now, at this point, you'd be thinking,

okay, I'm going to bail on the idea. Everyone, the priest is talking, Montegals getting a letter, showing the King's advisors. But nope, Catesby decides to go ahead. Instead, he bails up his cousin, Francis Tresham, who he thinks has written this letter, letter and he confronts him and calls him a traitor.

Tresham denies the allegations, although he does urge Catesby to now abandon the plot, which is a bit sus. I wasn't the guy that tried to derail the plot, but you should derail the plot. Yeah, well maybe now that everyone knows about it. Okay, he could just be common sense. So in response to this, Catesby decides to get Guy Fawkes to check on the cellar where he finds that nothing has been moved. All the gunpowder still there.

So if they really knew, they'd take the gunpowder out, surely. So the plotters think in actual fact they haven't been discovered at all, they can go ahead with the plan. So a couple of days, so it was due to open on November the 5th. On November the first, King James, he's shown the letter that Montego was sent. And in the letter, one of the lines says, they shall receive a terrible blow this parliament, and yet they shall not see who hurts them. And the king suspects the phrase terrible blow hints at the use of gunpowder. Well, that's quite clever from the king.

So he... I'd be like a really bad gobbie is coming for all of us. Oh, okay. No, that's good. You call your dick a lethal injection all fucking day. I come on. I'd been calling you that for several hours before we even hit record. The double standards here, outrageous.

Fine. I won't participate. I'll be on here here for you. No, no, no. We'll tell our young listeners about a really bad gobbie but not instruct them on how to engage in... Even good gobbies. In consensual, safe gobbies. Consentral? Yeah, got to keep it central.

Not the way I'm sorry. So he's suspicious about this terrible blow that's coming in. He thinks gunpowder wrongly. The gobbie is coming. He doesn't know. The gobbie is coming. Real unsatisfying gobbies. He reads the line, the gobbie is coming.

I think there's gunpowder hidden somewhere. That is smart, but it's not, I mean, it's not a huge leap, him figuring that out. It feels like the letter should have, could have been vaguer, right? Just like, it's going to be a bad day. They're going to put a fart bomb. I don't say bomb. They're going to fart powder. No, wait.

Fart gunpowder. No, all right. There's gunpowder in the vault. Oh, no. How do I cross this out? Pencils haven't been invented. I'm not starting again. This parchment costs heaps.

Yep. I've sent each of these letters. Like suddenly hit send. Counsel. Cancel. Is that going to be your outbox or is that sent? How do I know if it's been sent? All right.

Now we're going to have to break in to a computer room. It says it's already been seen by the king. This is so far back that they used to have computer rooms. Oh, I just download it to a floppy disk. Do you reckon the Queen has an email address? Yes? Yeah? Yeah.

I reckon it is. Queen at queen.org? Queen.org? Quiff at, no, what was the word for? Be quiff. Be quiff at queen. Be quaint. That's what she says to herself every night before she goes a bit.

Be queen and be quiff. Boop. I do say. Boop. I declare this quief regal. Brop. All right, guys. I do say.

So he thinks gunpowder. So the king orders an investigation, and the king's privy council talk about ways of searching the premises without warning the conspirators. All the while, Catesby is completely unaware, and he decides to go ahead with the attack. They search the premises quietly, and the vaults on November 4th, and the search party spot a large amount of firewood in one of the sellers. They speak to the cellar's attendant, Mr. Dwayne the John Johnson. and he coolly explains that the wood belongs to his master, the royal bodyguard Thomas Percy. And they're like, cool, we'll leave you to it, Mr. Johnson.

And they leave. The king, who seems to be the only non-fuckwit in this story, orders the second search at midnight. And this time they find John Johnson, aka Guy Fawkes, and this time he's in possession of fuses and matches. Uh-uh. And this time they finally arrest him. Right.

I would have just said These fuses and matches belong to my royal bodyguard Thomas Percy And they would have been like cool Peace Bequeef As the king would say Bequeef

So he's finally arrested The search party looked more closely at the firewood And the cellar and they find 36 barrels filled with gunpowder That's a lot of barrels But also Ditch one or get four more Are you kidding me?

I'm sorry, Jess. Fucking hell. How many? 36. 36. No, that's around number six, sixes. Nine fours? That's in a nice square.

Right? Nine fours, twelve threes. I don't mind the look of 36 either. Yeah, okay. 18 doubles? Three dozens. You know you both talking math to me, right? 36 singles.

Do you know that? 40 minus four. Do you understand what you're talking to me is like gibberish? Okay. How do I explain to you, Jess? The more bang, the. more bang. But that seems dumb enough.

Okay. I'm not so dumb that I didn't know that was an insult. Do we go on with your dumb little report? Fucko. Oh, I'm the dumb one. Yeah. I'm sorry, Justin. You heard her.

Fucko. Get on with a report. Sorry, Sess twins. So he's arrested. Guy Fawkes has taken to the king himself, but insists that his name is John Johnson that he has no idea what they're talking about. They're like, yeah, we know you're John Johnson, but you've been caught with explosives. No, I'm John Johnson.

Yeah, okay, we all agree your name is John Johnson. No, but my real name is John Johnson. It's not a fake name. Okay, no one ever said anything about it being fake. No one ever said fake. We're asking about the matches. You're making me feel your name might be fake. John Johnson is not a fake name.

Why do you keep saying that it's not a fake name? John Johnson? The Rock. My name is not. Guy Faw. Oh no, not the Rock. The John. Is your name The Rock?

No. Okay, I'm very confused. I'm John the John Johnson. I thought you were Dwayne the John Johnson five minutes ago. No, five minutes ago, you were Dwayne the John Johnston. Oh, it's all unraveling. Oh, dear. I'm real.

I'm a real boy. We never said you weren't a boy. So this guy's so famous, he's remembered there are masks of his head, and the thing he did was. not explode a place or does he break out and do something here? Is there more...

I know I'm going to keep going. Let him keep going. So at this point he's saying, I'm Dwayne the John Johnson. I've got no idea. I don't want you talking. I don't know who you are. The king? I don't know who the king is. The king gives the men permission to use torture to pry information out of forks. King James says...

And they used forks. They prodded at him. Forks. Don't make me use the fork. Oh, not the fork. You started with a spoon. He graduated to a fork. That's how it happens. Then it's a spayed. Use a spurn.

It's dully, you idiot. It'll hurt more. Hit him in the nipple with a spoon. In the nipple? Yeah. Okay. King James says, The gentler tortures are to be used first unto him.

And so by degrees proceeding to the worst. And so, Godspeed, your good work. So basically, start out light. And if he's not saying anything, you can get real. Build up to the nipple spoon. Yeah. Nipples are finished with, for my final trick, the nipple spoon.

Oh no. All right, I'm not John Johnson. Just make it stop. Upon hearing of forks arrest, most of the plotters in London, including Thomas Winter and Thomas Percy, the two tombs, fled the city to Dunn Church in Warwickshire.

The plotters escaped from London for the Midlands, which is this area. Rookwood was the fastest covering 30 miles and two hours on a single horse, which is a considerable achievement. Why is the marital's tennis of the horse so important? I was picturing a guy going faster, like, with his legs over two horses. He did only one horse.

If you get nine, there's nine horse power. It's way faster. I didn't consider how dumb that sounded. He did it on two married horses. They weren't married to each other, interestingly enough. Oh, shit. See, I thought I'd got a great. joke in there.

He just came in and fucked my joke. It's all good. They moved across the Midlands where they'd plan the uprising. They were like, all right, the bomb hasn't gone off. The bomb hasn't gone off. Let's do the uprising. It's just a lot of good horse stuff

there. And your laugh is infectious, yes. It's like the bubonic plague. So the bomb hasn't gone off, but they decide to have the uprising in the Midlands anyway. But that comes to nothing, of course, so they're on their own. The plotters seized horses from Warwick and attempted to kidnap Princess Elizabeth anyway. But she's whisked away to safety well before they get to her.

So it's all falling apart. Catesby with nowhere to go decides to make a last stand in the Midlands and persuades the key plotters to join him. And when it rains, it pours and everything starts to go wrong for the men. The gunpowder they had with them was damp from the pouring rain, I mentioned. And they decided to dry it by the fire. You know, like you do with explosive materials when they get wet. Of course it explodes and John Grant, one of Thomas Winter's cousin, is completely blinded.

The house is then completely surrounded by over 200 men and Kate Spie, Percy and Wright all die in a gunfight. Oh. The others are wounded but survive and are rounded up and taken to the Tower of London for some interrogation. That doesn't sound fun. Yeah, imagine you probably would have preferred to die, right? It's either death or the nipple spoon. Oh my God, nothing worse than the nipple spoon. then.

Well, cut back to Meanwhile, Guy Fawkes is able to cope with torture for four days. But he finally cracks on November the 9th, giving a full account of what happened. He signs his confession and historians have compared his normal signature

to that of his post-torture signature and it's clear he could barely even hold a pen. Oh shit. So they fucked him out. And he had no nipples left. Oh, he tried to sign with his nipples. He started with six nipples,

which is a weird thing he had. He was a pig man. They spooned up a six nipples. He had swine flu, obviously, which gives you multi-niples. He's in multi-niple mode. I've spooned mine off. Thomas Winter also gave a full confession after being interrogated in the tower, and now the king knows exactly who was involved.

The eight surviving members in the end were put on trial at what was essentially a show trial at Westminster Hall, the very place they'd intended to blow up. They are all found guilty and are told their punishment, the traditional punishment for traitors, hanging, drawing and quartering. Oh, that's not good. Which, if you're not familiar at home, they would

be hanged until half dead, so choked until you're sort of nearly out, upon which the genitals would be cut off. Oh, fuck, I didn't know what that that's what that meant. Which bit sad, is it being, I thought you had a picture. And then, what's the,

so drawn? Yeah, there, it means chopping off your cock. And then it would be burnt in front of you. They throw it in a fire. Is that for real? Still alive at this point. Their bowels and heart would be removed,

also burned. Obviously you're dead when the heart goes. Finally, you're decapitated and dismembered their body parts cut in four. Either being publicly displayed or eaten by birds. Holy fuck. That's wild. It's real nasty.

Because that's used hyperbibblebibli. And hyperbiblically. hyperbably hyperbically It's used a lot It's used It's used hyperbiblically Hypobulically

Fuck So you hear of people going Been bloody hung drawn Drawn and quarter by the press And it means there's been an article about them It's not very nice Their genitals haven't been cut off And thrown into a fire

No And the intestines haven't been removed and burnt Holy shit That's gross It's real bad Four of the men were executed in this way on January 30th For the next day including Forks Who was able to avoid his fate in part

When he either fell or jumped from the gallows ladder And died as a result of a broken neck So he didn't have to do the choking So good The cock removing or the disemboweling Well played How do they cut your dick off if you're a woman First they attach one

And then they remove it Quite a painful surgery sometimes it doesn't take and you know there's multiple cocks that have to be tried and they call it a law and then it's a long process you don't want to be there Jess

I don't hyperbolically speaking of course of course hyperpollically that was it buddy that was a real trick there as I'm sure you can imagine after this things only got worse for Catholics new laws were past presenting them from practising law

serving as officers in the army or navy or voting in local or parliamentary elections. Furthermore, as a community, there would be blackened for the rest of the century and even blamed for the great fire of London. Catholics weren't allowed to vote until 1829 after this. So this is 1605. Shit. And now I'm sure you've all heard of Guy Fawkes Knight, which is funny that's not called Robert Catesby Night because he was the man in charge of it. It's just because Forks was the one who was found. And he signed the...

the big confession. Yeah, interesting. So Guy Fawkes Night, this tradition stems back to the night. Forks was arrested. Celebrating the fact that King James had survived the attempt on his life, people lit bonfires around London, and months later, the introduction of the observance of the 5th of November Act

enforced an annual public day of Thanksgiving for the plot's failure. And these days, the event is commemorated every year with fireworks and burning effigies of Guy Fawkes on a bonfire. Really? Yeah, it's kind of weird. Brutal? All you try to do is kill the king. And everyone the king loves.

And that is the story of the failed gun powder plot. I actually knew none of that. Other than the name. I wasn't. I didn't know much. I'd never heard of Robert Catesby, and I feel like he should be the one that's remembered. But I did.

I knew that it came to a real disappointing end, from the plotter's point of view anyway. Yeah, totally. They didn't really... But that was King James... That was my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, and King James I was the first. In theory?

Yeah, but it's funny, because I was still barricing for them to win that. You were? Yeah, I'll still hoping they'd get blown up. Because they sound like they were kind of assholes. And if they pulled it off, it would have been probably the most daring sort of assassination attempt to vote. Because it's not just, you need you when they take out just the leader, which is crazy enough. There's so many attempts that fail.

They would have killed the leader, his whole family, all the high-ranking politicians. It sounds like their biggest problems, whether they told too many people and that they got unlucky with the thing being held off and held off. You know, it's fine. I say I'm barricing for it. Obviously, I'm not supporting terrorism like that, Dave.

Just to clarify. Just to clarify. I think I just, whenever you're doing a report from someone's perspective, I can't help but Barrack for them. That's because Dave's such a compelling storyteller. He's a great storyteller. Thank you.

And thank you to everyone that suggested that, especially Stuart Alcock, one of our Golden Hat life members. Bequeef with you. Bequeath. Stuart. Guys, bequeath. There's only one thing left to do on this episode, and that is to thank you for downloading it in the first place.

And to thank everyone that supports the show at patreon.com slash do go on pod. Everyone that supports us over there gives us $1,000, $10 a month, chipping in if you love the show it really keeps us going and you can get rewards in exchange like bonus episodes and a shout out which we'd like to do now to some of the patreon people jess if you've got some people you'd like to thank i would love to um and i think we should give them all fake names okay guy falked had john johnson like so terrible fake names yeah bad fake names are we okay with that yes okay well i would like to thank um from williamstown here in melbourne I'd like to think, Ruben Maskell.

Oh. Could be Maskell. Maskell. That's your name. What if his fake name is Ruben Maskell? That would be a terrible fake name. Same spelling, different pronunciation. Yeah.

That's his alias. That's his alias. Is that your final answer? Ruben Muscle or Maskell. He's got mask in his name, so he's already hiding something. Yeah, what are you hiding Ruben? Let us know. sucked in Rubin, you fell for the oldest trick in the book

if you did let us know then. Yeah, delete that tweet. Oh no, I'll press send. I've already heard it. I've read it. You're going to hack into our computer room and delete it. Yeah, the do-go-on computer room. I was on Williamstown Beach, the other nice.

What a lovely spot, Ruben. You live in a real nice town, the affluent west. Beautiful. What a world we live in where there's an affluent west now. I know, it's affluent's everywhere. Anyone else you'd like to thank Jess. Yes. I would also like to thank from Devon, Christopher Day Carey.

Ah, Christopher Day Carey. I think that Guy Fawkes is a much bigger deal in England. So I wonder if you knew all of that, Day Carey. So his name is Christian Day Carey. Christopher. Christopher, pardon me. Day Kerry. I kind of want to say like Knight Susan.

That's great. I think that's really good. Yeah. First name? Knight. Knight, Knight Susan Love it Sir, Sir, Knight

Susan And is Knight, the first one with a K Sir Knight, Knight, Susan? No. Okay, two nights. Love it. So, Knight, Knight, Susan. Night, Knight, Susan.

Night, night. Night, night. Sleep tight, Season. Night night, season. Night, night. It's real satisfying. Hey, would you guys mind if I think?

From Cambridge. Also, another. bloody English and probably he probably didn't get to the end of this episode either because he knew it all by the back of his hand. Mr Stephen Bat. Bat with two T's. He's a real one, Stephen with a V.

He's a fake name. Stephen with the pH, bat with one T. Okay, Dave, you're not really putting a lot of effort into these fake names. I'm thinking Charlie Charger. Oh, that's good. Charlie Charger.

Charger. I reckon a good fake name has got alliteration going. Yeah, because you've gone Charlie Charger. Charlie Charger. Chacharer. Chacharer. Oh, very good. Charlie Charger from Cambridge.

I love it. I love it. I'd also love to thank. Thanks so much Charlie Charger, aka Stephen Bette. Don't tell anyone. I'd also love to thank from Somersat. Oh, we love... It's our favorite one to do, Summers.

Is that even wrong? Mid-Somerset murders. Somerset. Ellie Nicholas. She got no Nick. Nicholas. And I would like to call her. What if I think of a first name?

You think of a last name? I like great. Christina. Cropylcrack. That's great. Your name is Christina Cropel-Cruck. That is correct, sir. I'm from Somersad.

Daish. Cropyl-Crupple-crack. That's good. stuff. Christina Crop or Croc. No, but she can't be from Somerset, that'll give the game away. You gotta give her a fake city as well.

Cheshire. Cheshire. Yeah. But said in a Somerset accent, so they know immediately. She's lying. They know. They know.

From Chashar. I would like to thank, from Homestead in Florida, possibly already a fake name here. Aaron Land. Oh, that's great. Aeron Land. A-E-R-L-A-R-N.

A-E-R-N. Jess. I'll give you the first name. I've got the last name locked and loaded. Jess. Ocean. That's great. It's badass.

That's a superstar name. Frank Oceans. Jess Ocean. Aeron Land. So you need a name. These people come into witness protection now, and they're already sorted. Done.

You probably don't get to pick your own name, do you? Why not? I love picking names. Yeah, maybe you can. I'm so good at it from all those years of playing The Sims. Thank you, Jess Ocean. Aeron Land. I would like to thank finally.

And this is very cool because I don't often get people from here being thanked at the end of the show all the way from Hong Kong. Oh. They're cool, which technically closer than Florida, but still seems rare as a Patreon supporter. Yeah. Carmen lie. Common lie. Common lie. Sounds like an instruction.

Carmen lie with me. Oh. That's nice. But what fake name are going to say? Jess, this is all you. Give me your first name, Dave. Terrence. Truth.

Oh, that's good. That's a good lie. I feel like I'm going a bit too obvious by just doing opposites. No, but Terrence truth worked because you didn't know I was going to say Terrence. I didn't. Oh, was ocean the opposite of something? Land. Great.

Okay. Oh, why is it what you picked? It was. It was real obvious. I got it. Also, Terence, I picked because that's the opposite of Carmen, obviously. Obviously. I know.

I get your logic. Thank you. Banana logic. call back to that episode that Matt We're going to wrap this up Thanks so much for everyone that supports the show

at patreon.com slash do you go on pod You can pledge there anytime We always appreciate it And you can get in contact at any time On pod at gemar.com And it's at do go on pod On pod on all the social media So reach out, say hi

Put a suggestion in the hat The link is in the description of this episode If you want us to talk about something That you think is cool Or not cool Oh yeah fascinating it would be great.

Yeah. We'd love to hear about someone who completed a task, though, for once. Yeah, bloody poor, too, what I. Hey? Yeah. An actual plot? John Johnson. Come on, Johnson.

Like John failed and had his dick cut off. No, he didn't, no. He didn't. I reckon they're so spotful. They probably would have cut it off, but even though he was dead. Yeah, right. I just want an excuse. Anyway, as we always say, at the end of the show, be quief.

Be quief. Quif be with you. Cueef and also. Say hi to your quif. Yeah. For me. God bless our quif. That'll do us.

Thank you and goodbye. Later. Bye. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. It's not optional. You have to do it. We used to go easy on it, but now you have to.

Yeah. Yeah, you fucking. That's karma. Comea, comea, comea, comea, comea, comea, come and go far. Fuck yourself. Well, that's going on end of the end. Who was she talking to? You'll never know.

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