Do Go On - 134 - Agrippina the Younger

Episode Date: May 16, 2018

Which powerful Roman woman played a major role in the reigns of Roman emperors, Tiberius, Claudius, Caligula and Nero? This week's topic is Agrippina the Younger! There is incest, murder, betrayal and unpronounceable names... this episode has it all!You can also support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes at www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPodSuggest a topic: https://dogoonpod.com/submit-a-topic/Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] AND FURTHER READING:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agrippina_the_Youngerhttps://www.britannica.com/biography/Julia-Agrippinahttp://etc.ancient.eu/education/agrippina-the-younger/http://biography.yourdictionary.com/agrippina-the-youngerhttps://www.historyofroyalwomen.com/agrippina-the-younger/agrippina-younger-romes-enigmatic-empress/http://theconversation.com/mythbusting-ancient-rome-the-emperor-nero-65797https://nate-aggripinatheyounger.weebly.com/early-life.html Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amarna, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there.

Canada, we are visiting you in September this year. If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal, and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates.

And welcome to another episode of Do Go On. It's Dave here with Matt and Jess. Hello everyone. What the fuck you said? It's Dave here. You've never said that. You mix it up now. You're going to mix it up now.

This far end, Dave. This far in you're going to bloody change the rules. I'm outraged. My name is Dave Warnocky and thank you so much for joining us. I'm here with Matt and Jess. Hello. False start. So you really shouldn't have spoken, Jess.

I was furious, but also weirdly aroused. Oh, okay. That was a test and you failed. Which Warnocky? Are you the cat one or the human one? Yeah. That's right. We have a couple of listeners that have tweeted us a photo of their brand new cat,

and they've named it Warnocky, which I love. I don't know how you shorten Warnocky. Warnie. Someone commented on it, Warnikid. Oh. Yeah, that is. So great. I'm just bringing up their names now

because I definitely need to be thanked my name. Of course, there's Warnocky, the cat, hello Warnie. It was a Cheshire cat. I would have called it Tom Delonge. Cheshire. Batman B boss on Twitter at Batman B boss. Damn right he is. Batman B boss.

B being the middle initial. Mr. Boss, thank you. From a Cheshire cat. So, I mean, if there's other things you want to name after me, inanimate or animate objects. That would be pretty cool. Dave, don't put that out there. Somebody's going to name their dick Warnocky.

Well, that would be... Is that what you want? Yes, that would be great. What would be the prop? What would be the prop? When I think inanimate, I think the Calvin Rod. Yeah, in Rod we trust. My 25th birthday, which I think we've talked about before, was an evening of me screening my favorite episodes of The Simpsons at a local mini cinema I hired out.

That's such a good idea. I was there. Were you not there, Jess? I wasn't there. I was sick. I remember. I was invited. Don't you worry. I was invited. Don't worry. I chose not to go. Yeah, yeah. I was like, nah. I was the snubber, not the snuby. Do you remember the cake that my housemate at the time, Ellie made? It was an inanimate carbon rod.

Like a green rectangular sponge cake. I stowed over with green and it said in rod we trust. Oh, what a legend. Best. Best cake ever. So good. Very good. Hey, speaking of very good, this podcast is very good. It is.

Should we do one? Let's get fucking stuck in, boys. This is the new us. We're getting stuck in earlier. I'm changing the intro up. Don't say we're getting stuck in. I don't know. It just sounds creepy.

Getting stuck in with Morniki. I said it. Okay, yeah. See, that's what I'm, okay. Good heavens. All right. So the way the show works, I believe, is each of us do a topic. That is incorrect.

Fuck. Each of us do a topic. Over three weeks. Over three weeks. Let me finish. We take it in turns, right? This week is my turn. We ask a question to get on topic.

This week's question is, which powerful Roman woman played a major role in the reigns of Roman emperors, Tiberius, Claudius, Caligula, and Nero. Powerful Roman woman. I have no idea. Well, we've already talked about Cleopatra. Not Roman. I know, but a big big villains and Roman culture and history.

But not Roman. No. I really must point that out. That's right. She was from the Tollany. Congratulations, you named another woman. Tollamate dynasty, that's right. Can you leave this guy?

Do you can't believe this guy? Greek descent. They're not all the same person, Dave. Not all women, Dave. History's had multiple women. Heaps. Name a different one. Jess Perkins.

March Simpson? That was lucky. I don't know. Have, I don't think I had heard of this person, but my Roman knowledge isn't super good. My knowledge in general. There are so many names in this which are going to cause me real grief. Excellent. Great work.

Starting with the topic this week. Agropina the younger. Agrippina. Agrippina. Love it. Kina for Agrippina. Oh, yes. Sistina Agrippina.

How we spell an agrippina? A-G-R-I-P-I-N-A. If you like Agrapeen. Nacaladas. They're getting caught. That song's fucked. Yeah, it's no good. It is very bad.

I think we've even talked about it here before. I think we have. The lyrics are bad. Oh, the lyrics are bad too. It is a fun song to sing, but it is terrible. Yes. It all works out in the end though. Does it?

Yeah, they find each other. I don't know that they do. Aren't they trying to cheat on each other? Yeah, and they end up cheating on each other with each other. So what's the problem? Oh yeah, they're fine. That won't cause it. any other issues moving forward.

They didn't last much longer after that, I reckon. No. Much like that guy himself. If you like making love at midnight. I like it any time of the day, to be honest. Yeah. Wow. Let's not lock ourselves into this.

I'm tired. Regimen. Strict regimen. Turns like my... Well, 1159. Time to 69. I'm still... I'm warming up for one minute.

This gives a minute. Sorry. That's got very little to do with. Agrippina, the Younger. So Agrippa is also a famous person. Agrippa, yeah. So this is like the feminine of Agrippa. Agrippa the elder or something like that.

There's plenty of them. Are they in this story? No. Oh, right. Okay, cool. I've just heard of that name anyway. All good. Cool.

Agrippina. This topic was suggested by Claire Jones. That's a good name. Thank you, Claire Jones. I'm new Claire Jones. The Younger. On the sixth, this is the beginning of the report by the time, I'm not just talking about another thing. On the 6th of November in either the year 14 or 15 AD, Agrippina the Younger was born in a place called Epidim, Uborium, which is Latin for city of the Ubi.

This is the early Uber. Yes. If there are any Roman experts or whatever, obviously don't listen to this episode. This is a comedy podcast. Obviously, fuck off. Yeah, we are so sorry. Sure, I mean, that's fine. I'm just saying, I'm going to make your brain hurt with some of these pronounce

yeatsians, including that one. Amazing that you get the date, right, the day of the year, but not the year. Yeah, that's fascinating. Yeah. So obviously, yeah, the records were kept pretty well for the date. Yeah, wow. For the day. So the Ubi were a Germanic tribe who were made to.

settle there by the Roman general Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa. So he's one of them. So that, he basically made him cross a river to settle on the other side, which put them inside the boundaries of the Roman Empire. This location is now in current day, Germany. None of that matters to the story. Right, but they were a Germanic tribe. The originally, Ubi were.

Right. But they're not at all involved in this story. Okay. I just, like, from the very start of this, there were just tangents everywhere, and I found it very hard to focus. But I'm going to try my best to stay on topic. Agrippina the younger was the daughter of Dermanicus and Eccropina the elder, which makes sense. Great. Who were a bit of a power couple and prominent members of the Giulio Claudian dynasty.

She was the sibling of Nero Caesar, Drusus Caesar. Gaea Caesar Julia Drusilla and Julia Lovilia Le Villa Two Julius Yeah Those parents were lazy

Well I think I think they're named after Julius Caesar So the girls got Julia And the boys got Caesar It's just obviously some old naming Ah yes okay Thing Imogic

What do you call those things When they're like some sort of a rule Tradition A naming rule There's a better word But I will go with rules someone's yelling at their phone. Fuck off Roman expert, we told you.

Get out of here. Fuck. Anyway, she was a direct convention. Convention. Thank you, sir. She was a direct descendant of the first Roman emperor, Augustus, who died in 14 AD, just a few years earlier, with Tiberius taking over, Tiberius being Agrippina's great uncle. Cool.

Her parents were on the road for most of the time with their work. You know, he was a military man. Trucky. Yeah, trucking about. Convoy. She was constantly in convoy. Yeah. So when she was still very young, Agrippina was sent along with most of her siblings to Rome

to be raised by their grandmother Antonia. In 19 AD, her father Germanicus died while travelling through modern day Turkey. Germanicus was a very popular military general and his sudden death was seen to be very suss as it was rumoured at the time that he was assassinated. under orders from the emperor and Germanicus's uncle Tiberius. They cut his brakes. Very dangerous for a truckie. So it was a mysterious death.

It was a short illness, mysterious death, and they're like, well, this is a bit sus, right? And the idea was that Tiberius feared Germanicus and the fact that he'd become a threat as he was so powerful and popular with the Roman people. According to one source, Germanicus was the most attractive and popular member of the imperial family. And was that source Dumanicus himself?

That was, yeah, his dear diary, his dinky diary. He was the most popular and the best looking. Most attractive and most popular, yeah. And he had the most toy cars. And he was the quarterback. He's a quarterback. He's dating the cheerleader. And he could scull the beer real fast.

So far. And he could drive really fast too. And he had a real big donger. Yep. Guaranteed. Big Warnicky. His warning he was out of control. Don't encourage this, Dave.

I mean, it's ironically named, let's be honest. Oh, we know, man. From then on, Agrippina the Younger. I'm probably going to call her mainly Agrippina. But anyway, Agrippina the Younger was brought up by her mom, Agrippina the Elder. Oh. Her grandmother, Antonia, and her great-grandmother, Livia.

Each of these women were prominent and powerful figures within the empire, and they were each very influential. on Agrippina as she grew up. Agrippina? No. Not a pinna. Kina for pinna, it works better. Tiberius was very wary of Agrippina the elder.

So we're more like Agropana. It's no doubt it's something entirely. But that sounds stupid. Say Agrippina. Maybe Agrippina. Agrippina. Well, that's cool. Agrippina, I'm going.

Yeah, I like it. But anyway, the Roman experts have dropped off by now. We're in a safe place. With other idiots listening. Right. And now we can talk about Greek history. Yeah. Because I hate that.

So Tiberius was still worried about Agrippina the elder and her family, even after her husband, Jimannicus died. He knew that if she married again, her new husband would be a threat to him also. So he never granted permission for Agrippina the elder to marry, even though she did make a request. He obviously had that power to. Stop it. I'm going to, I kept doing that as I was reading it, wanting to put 19 in front of all the years. In 29 AD, Agrippina the Elder and her two elder sons were sent into exile or prison, and they, not one or the other, some of them were one.

Right. And they all died within the next few years with Agrippina the Elder starving herself to death in 33 AD. Is that because Tiberius was like, you are such a threat, get out? Yeah, I think so. And I think she was like, I know, she wanted to, she wanted to live large. And she wasn't getting to do that, so I think she was just like, I prefer to be dead than. Although I'm putting a lot of, I'm putting a lot of words in there that are not at all verified. A few years earlier in 28 AD after turning 13, Tiberius arranged Agrippina younger to be married to a guy called Gnaeus Domitius Ahenbarbus.

who was her first cousin once removed. There is debate about his age, but it sounds like he was either born in 2 BC or possibly 20 BC, which is an interesting thing about it. That's quite a big difference. That's a big gap, yeah. But that means... So he either exists or doesn't yet at this point.

So, or this BC, not AD, sorry. Oh, right. So that means that when she was 13, she married him when he was probably 30, but possibly 48. Apparently it was relatively normal for girls to be married at the age of 13 back then. Was it relatively normal for men to have two ages? If I was married to someone that I had a crush on when I was 13,

like if I was still married to them. Hoo boy. Heath Ledger. Oh, actually, genuinely. Orlando Bloom. Oh. Yeah, Heath Ledger and Orlando Bloom were big for me in Year 7. Yeah.

You would have loved Ned Kelly. I did. I did. did. And Powderfinger and it were in as well, one of your favorite bands. They were. Ben and Fanning was, was it all Powder Finger? Uh, three of them, I think. Right, okay. Yep. Anyway, sorry. Just interesting, isn't it? You know, how we change in time, how we grow. Yep. It's just interesting. That's fascinating. That's all I'm in. That's all I'm in. It's just interesting. If I'd married someone I was in love with the 13, probably been some sort of skateboarder.

Really? I was just really into skateboarding for about a year. Okay. Terrible at it. Yeah, no, we know that just by knowing you. Yeah. I mean, you. I mean, you. I think my parents did too. They put off buying me one for a long time. And did they eventually? Yeah, after I did a lot of housework. And then you were shit at it. So bad.

To be a good skateboard, you have to be prepared to get seriously injured. Yes. And I was not prepared. Interesting. I think you've also just got to do it a lot. Yeah. Yeah.

Like a lot of things you can't be like, ah, suck at this. But in the bin. Yeah. Matt, who would you be married to if you'd married somebody? 13. I know that was probably around this time. Well, I'm trying to think back in, yeah, black and white days.

Yeah, yeah. There's an interesting time growing up before colour. I bet. Yeah. Still seeing you're wearing that red top now. I was like, whewer. Yeah, right. Maybe Alicia Silverstone.

Oh, great one. Yes, absolutely. But I don't know. She's a bit kooky now. Is you? But in Clueless. Oh, fantastic. Yeah, in Clueless, she was clueless.

Yeah. In so many ways she was very clueling. In the end? In her own way. In her own way. You know? Thank you. We're all different.

Oh, I've gone way back there. Well, let's find our spot here again. Do I mean to do some thinking music? Yeah, could you do... He's gone a long way back. Apparently, thank you. Apparently, this guy, let's call it, because he had that long name. Let's call him by his middle name.

named Demetius, Demetius, Demetius. Apparently he wasn't a great guy. Dimmie. Dimmie. Domi. According to Roman author and historian Soutonius, Domi was a man who was in every aspect of his life detestable. Oh no. But there is a chance Soutonius was biased against Domi as Sotonius was from the equestrian order and apparently at the Roman Forum one time, Domidius pulled out the eye of an equestrian because they criticized him. Okay. Wow. And that, I mean, that's not really biased. That just makes that.

That guy's definitely an ass. An ass. Oh, he's an ass. Oh, he's an ass. He's an ass. He's nasty. He pulled out someone's eye. I mean, what the fuck?

Yeah. I know. I like how that goes, well, he's just biased against him because he was a fuckhead. He's biased against him because he saw him do something really brutal and unnecessary. So. On the 16th of March 37 AD, Emperor Tiberius died. And though he was an old man, most reports suggest that Agrippina's brother and Tiberius' heir, Gaius Caesar, had something to do with the death, either not allowing the sick emperor food

or even suffocating him by some reports. Either too much food or not enough food. Get these potato chips down his throat. What a way to go. Oh, wow. Chippies. Um, num, num, num, num, num, num, num. Either way, this meant Gaius Caesar, uh, became the new emperor.

Is that Tiberius's son? Uh, no, that's, uh, his nephew, I think. Right. Okay, but a relation. It's a Gripper, the younger's brother. Yeah. Agrippina the younger's brother. It's a brother.

Gotcha. Uh, but you might know him better by his nickname, um, which he's better, no, by now, Caligula. Or he was quite well known as by that. Caligula. Caligula. It sounds like something glue does in heat, you know? Yeah.

It colligulates. Do you guys know what Caligula means? I don't know. I just told you. He's pretty... He's one that seemed to like fucked up stuff, right? They seem to all be a little bit. It's what glue does.

Hello? Is this thing on? So apparently when he was younger, he used to accompany his dad, Germanicus on military campaigns, dressed in a like mini soldier outfit. Oh, so cute. So Caligula meant little soldier boot because he'd be wearing like a mini soldier boot, which was a collier, something like Caligar or something. Should have written that down.

Adorable. Tiberius left his powers jointly to Caligula and Tiberius Gemilis in his will, but Caligula voided Tiberius's will and had Gamalus executed so that he would become the new emperor alone. Imagine that. You think you're about to be co-emperor and now you're like, oh no, I'm having my head chopped off. This isn't a good day.

I want to come down. When you co-anything, I mean, you're not real. There's always a leader, isn't there? You know? Yeah. Co-director. See, we technically, the three of us are co-directors, but I know I'm the third one.

I thought you're going to put yourself forward there. God, no. Wait, co-direct, co-hosts? We're co-hosts, sure. Yeah, is Dave our leader? Fuck, yeah. No, I reckon you two do most of the work. We'll have to fight each other to the death.

And I'm just kind of coast along. And thus ruining the podcast. No, you're replaceable. Hey, we all play our role. Like any good team. Colligula looked up. Yeah, you're the one getting your head trapped off with that attitude. Go on, mate, there's no eye.

Dave and I'll be co-emperors. Yes. Empress, would I be an empress? No, you've lost your head as well, man. Are you fucking kidding me? You are... I am ruthless. Absolutely.

That is unbelievable, but also very believable. Thank you. Caligula looked after Agrippina and his other sisters, Julia Drusilla and Julia Lovilla, in the early years of his range, giving them the treatment normally reserved for Vestal Virgins. This is something I just looked up

not long before we started recording. You guys familiar with Vestal virgins? I'm familiar with half of those words. Vestal. Correct. The fuck is a virgin. What the fuck's a virgin? Well, I've looked it up, according to Britannica, Vestal virgins in Roman religion,

six priestesses representing the daughters of the royal house who tended the state cult of Vesta, the goddess of the hearth. chosen between the ages of six and ten by the Pontifex Maximus, which is the chief priest, Vestal virgins served for 30 years, during which time they had to remain virgins.

But after that? Afterwards they could marry, but few did. Because they'd be 40 by then. Because they were chosen between the age of 6 and 10. So they'd be 36 to 40 by the time they get it. Not that that's a bad thing. Not that I think 40-year-olds can't have sex. just saying back in the day.

Yeah, that is quite old. You're not getting married at that time as a woman. Yeah, I guess I imagine maybe that's something. Those chosen as Vestal Virgins had to be of the required age, obviously, be freeborn of freeborn. So it couldn't be free. It was like freeborn versus slaves who were freed. Oh, I see. So your parents had to be freeborn and you had to be free born.

Right. Just weird line of jaw. and your parents had to be respectable. Both parents had to be alive and you had to be free from physical and mental defects. This is all according to Britannica. Their duties included tending the perpetual fire and the temple of Vesta,

keeping their vow of chastity, fetching water from a sacred spring, preparing ritual food, caring for objects in the temple's inner sanctuary, and officiating at the Vestalia. the period the period of public worship of Vesta. Failure to attend their duties was punished by a beating, violation of the vow of chastity by burial alive,

as the blood of a Vestal Virgin could not be spilled. Oh. Oh. Wow. Yeah, so that's Vestal virgins. Right, and these people are lucky enough to be treated like Vestal Vig. They're getting all the good stuff without having any. to do any of those things necessarily.

Does they have to be virgins, though? No. Well, she's... So they're not cleaning because they're like royal and they're not... So they're getting the good thing. So they're getting stuff like, apparently they got sweet tickets to the footy or whatever, to the big public events.

They got to sit up in the grandstand, which normally would only be something that the Vessel Virgins could do. So they got the perks without any of the hassles. Nice. I'm the perks. You're the hassles. Oh, right. Caligula also issued new coins

depicting his sisters on one side and himself on the other and apparently they were the first Roman coins of this kind issued. How do you play heads or tails? Three heads or one head? So it's heads or head? Yeah, very confusing.

Put your hand on your heads or head. Two hands for heads, one hand for head. I reckon they had this exact discussion in the forum. Yeah. Took them three days. So we're quick.

He also included them in loyalty oaths that had to be taken by members of the empire where they had to say something like, I will not value my life or that of my children less highly than I do the safety of the emperor and his sisters. Wow. He's a good brother. He's very loyal, isn't he? Looking after his sisters. Well, not for long, I think.

In the early years of Culligula's rule, Agrippina was pregnant, and on the 15th of December 37 AD, she gave birth to her only child, who she and Demidius, named Lucius Demidius, Ahabas, Ahenobabas, after Demidius's father. Who was called. Greg. Yeah. My new favourite name is, which I'm going to, I can't wait to name a character this, Gary Gregson. It's going to be big, some big character in a big movie one day. Oh yeah. Gary Gregson.

All the kids are going to be like, I'm Gary, like the new James Bond. Yeah, I want to play Gary Gregson. No, I want to be Gary Gregson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. It's going to be big, man. Yeah, good stuff. Soon after the birth, Suetonius quotes Domitius as saying,

I don't think anything produced by me and an agrippina could possibly be good for the state or the people. So that of his own child? Yes. Fantastic. Very good. Parenting 101. Destroy their confidence early. Yeah.

I mean, he's given himself shit. He's given his wife shit and he's giving his son shit. Yeah, he's shitting on the whole fam. Caligula's three sisters. Caligula's most fond of Drusilla. So when on June the 10th, 38 AD, Drusilla died, Caligula was distraught, the death is said to have affected him greatly and his relationship with the remaining sisters soured.

He no longer showed them love or respect and is said to have pretty much lost the plot in general. Oh, wow. There were rumours at the time, and nearly everything in this is debated still. All these little bits and pieces are still debated, but some said he was, quite incestuous with his sisters. But no more. In particular with Drusilla,

even though Drusilla was, well, you know, they were both married, but not everyone agrees with that necessarily. Due to this, in 39 AD, Agrippina, her surviving sister,

Le Villa, and Drusilla's widower, Marcus, Amelius, Lepidius, Lepidus, came up with... Lepidus,

know that one. Yeah, Lepidus, that's good. Came up with a plot. to murder Caligula. Okay. The plot has become known as the plot of the three daggers, and the goal was to make Leopardus the emperor.

Right. The plot failed, and Caligula had Leopardus executed while Agrippina and her sister were sent into exile in the Pontine Islands. Pontine Islands. That sounds nice. Beautiful. Anything islands. Mediterranean Islands.

Lovely. Love it. Greek islands. beautiful. Philip Island. Gorgeous. Love it. Great place.

Great place, great guy. He also sold off all of their belongings, leaving Agrippina and Demidius's son without an inheritance. Demidius died the following year, and their son Lucius went to live with his aunt, Domitia, Lepida, the younger. What was it? What was Lepida?

What was Lepidus? Oh, Lepidus. So this would be lepeter. Yeah. Leppada boys. And he's gone to live with the aunt. Yes. By 40 AD, are you following any of them?

I mean, there's a lot of stuff going on. It's a lot of names and it's... There's a lot of names. It's very interesting. Basically, to recap, in charge on the throne right now is Calicula. Yes. They tried to get rid of him, but he busted the plot. So he got rid of the guy in charge at that plot and exiled his two sisters.

The third sister is already dead. To a beautiful island. Yeah, I'd take that exile. But he took all their stuff. So she's gone from top of the pops, living like a, living like, you know. The sister of an em? Yeah, living like a Vestal Virgin, which we all know who's beautiful. I think to be.

By 40 AD, there was growing unease about Caligula's ruling style. And some of the decisions he was making were causing unease within the Senate. and the ruling class. The final straw was that he told the Senate he was going to move to Alexandria in Egypt, leaving Rome permanently. Apparently, he thought he'd go there and just be worshipped as a living God. Sure. I mean, I'd go there right now if I thought that would happen.

The Senate didn't like this idea, though, as it would mean, they would lose their ruler wouldn't be anywhere near them, so not at all under their control. sort of, it would really kind of mess up the whole system a bit. Yeah. It's like our prime minister going, I'm going to do this but from Russia now. I'm still the boss though. And there's no easy way to very quickly communicate. Yeah.

I mean, they had their ways like they were obviously very civilized. Pigeons. Pigeons. They had pigeons. Email. They had email, obviously. Instant messenger. They had it all.

Satellite phones. Satellite phones. Satellite phones. There's text a lot. Yeah. Hey, what do you reckon we should about this? And he'd just text back. I'm like, sorry, I just got to ask the emperor.

I'll be with you in just one moment. Because he's really quick. Like, he's on his phone all the time. Let me put you on speaker. What I was meaning was they didn't have video calls yet. So it wasn't, yeah, it wasn't as. They couldn't see what he was doing. Yeah.

They could hear they got audio. Oh, yeah. He could send gifs. So they could sort of see. But he could like pretend to be in the office, but really he's on the beach. Yeah. Yeah. They're already very good at Photoshop.

And when he's not talking, he just puts it on mute. So you can't either see girls. Oh. He'd just go, sorry, I'm just going, but really. And they're like, man. Because it was sculling milk. Yeah, he was sculling milk. But he'd say he was going through a tunnel because he just couldn't be bothered talking.

But really? They couldn't see him to know that he wasn't in a tunnel at all. Yeah. He was sculling milk. Yeah, you're really good. Got away from him. But anyway, that alternative reality never came to be because a plot to knock colligula off was put together, with three key conspirators.

Daggers. Cassius. Clay. Chiria. Marcus Vinicius and Lucius Annius Vinescianus. Annius Venetianus. Aeneus.

Oh, Jesus. That point is there. Lucius Anius Venetianus. Oh, he got bullied. Yeah, he would definitely be the type of, just to call me Lucius. Just call me Lucius. It's fine.

No, I need the rest for a form, sir. You're at the airport Don't worry about it I'm like Cher I'm just Lucius I'm just like share I'm a pop icon And I only have one name

I don't give a fuck Reports of the murder vary But it is agreed that it happened And Can confirm It seems that Chiria Was first to stab Caligula

before others jumped in and it ended up with it being about 30 stabs. Oh, from the three of them. Yeah. It was a bit of a pile up. So he, he dead. Following the attacks, Caligula's wife, Melonia, Seizonia, and their daughter Julia Drusilla were also brutally murdered. Wow, that was stabbed as well.

Yes. Wow. Not Malonia. Apparently the young, yeah, like it sounds like it was fucked. Anyway, Agrippina's uncle Claudius became the new Roman emperor. And did he have anything to do with those three guys? Or do they just not like Caligula so they were like anyone else's cool? Yeah, Claudius, I think he was.

I imagine to do that, they must have known he was the next in line. There's a little gap in my knowledge there, Dave. Oh, that's fine. But I just wanted to know he wasn't one of the three, though, that was stabbing. No, he wasn't one of the stabbers. Cool. But I don't think something like that happens without them wanting him to be the next one. Without them thinking about that.

Oh no, that guy, I hate even more is in charge now. That would be a huge, a huge blue. Oh dear. Claudius. Have you heard of Claudius? Because some of that, like I knew, Collegular I knew quite well from the Queens of the Stone Age song, Colligula of. Also the Smith song, and he says, Caligula would have blushed.

Right. Right. A bit of Morrissey, bit of Mars. I've got nothing. You got no reference? I thought Killegular was something glue related, as I mentioned earlier. Was it Queensland's Stone Age? It might have been them crooked vultures.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. This thing is important to get right. This is the fact that is most important. So Cordius ended the exile of Agrippina and her sister Le Villa, allowing Agrippina to be reunited with her son Lucius. This bit is going to sound slightly confusing, I think, but hopefully makes sense. I mean, it's all been a bit confusing. I'm already really lost.

So Agrippina could come home now. Yes, she was back from her holiday. She's back on good terms with Cloyas. Yes, that's right. Or the ruler. Yeah, he had no beef. Okay. So he was happy for her to come back.

Only chicken for him. And so he is her uncle. Right. As opposed to her brother. Sure. Anyway, so Lucius's aunt Demetia Lepida, the elder, was divorced by her husband, Gaius, Celestius, Crispus, Pisinius, so that Crispus could marry Agrippina.

So... Just go through the relationships there. Who's who? So there was a current marriage between... Just one name age. Okay. Dmitia was divorced by Crispus so that Crispus could marry our topic of the day, Agrippina.

Nice. And who is Crispus? Crispus was a man in, you know, so many ways. I'm back on track. Yeah, no, I'm up to date. I get the whole thing now. So Crispin Glover is now married to Agrippina. I was either picturing Crispin Glover or Crispy Eminem's.

Right. Crispy Eminem Glover. Just imagine Crispin Glover. As an Eminem. But he's got the skin of an Eminem. Oh, he's so shiny. He's just below the surface, a little bit of chocolate and then below that, sort of like this crisp.

Crisp. Crisp thing. Oh, I love them. A bit like, um. These sort of mint crisp, emes. Holy shit. So good.

Party time. Oh, yeah. Like the Terminator's human tissue over like, um, over machine. Yeah. This is crispy over. Crispin Glover. Chocolate over human. Yeah.

anatomy. Oh. Is that where we were imagining the same person? No. Yes. I know. That'd be weird if I was. But you said it was somebody's aunt.

Yes. Whose aunt? How. Crispus wasn't anyone's aunt. No. Lucius's aunt. So as in Agrippina's son? Yes.

So is it her sister? No. Other side. Okay. Got it. Thank you. So she's. Dommy's sister

Or is Crispin Domy's So where's the aunt come from? Because Lucius has two parents We're talking about Germanicus Right

Familiar? Yes I know you're trying to make this sound more simple But I feel like you've confused me It's a different Lucius No Lucius is the same But so Lucius has got two parents

One of them is Agrippina The other one Yeah Is what's his name. Dommy. Dommy. Oh, is that what you're saying? Yeah. Yeah, then that's right. Okay. Just go on. That should have been the name of the show. Just go on. So, Crispus married Agrippina. Okay. When they married, Crispus became Lucius's stepdad. Apparently, Crispus was super rich, very powerful and very successful. Agrippina convinced him to name her as his

air and soon after in 47 AD Christmas died. Oh. It is thought that Agrippina poisoned him. Sure. To gain his wealth, which she did. She got his wealth. Bit of rat sack in the stew. Welcome home, honey.

Here's dinner. Oh, this tastes a bit like rat sack. Eat up. Thanks. I think once you've tasted it, it's too late. Yeah. And why do you know what rat sack tastes like? You mean licking rat sacks?

Just for this exact purpose. Just so I know what poison tastes like, I once poisoned myself. I nearly died. That is something, I think it's almost like you're giving yourself immunity. Immunity. By having a tiny bit. I believe that they used to think that kind of thing. What type of immunity, though, would he be going for?

In terms of like, give me the options. Maybe it could be diplomatic immunity. That's the only type of immunity we want to hear about. That's the one I would have gone for. You know, I do believe they actually did used to believe that you could have a little bit of lots and lots of different poisons and then you be immune to them. Right. Which I believe is not true. Right.

Feels like you're just... Often people would accidentally poison themselves. Yeah, right. Okay. Yeah. Whoops. Whoops. Well, I mean, now they're immune.

They can't die from any other poison because they're already dead. True. So it worked. In a way, death is the ultimate immunity. Yes. Diplomatic or other. Can't hurt me now. I'm dead. Unless ghosts can feel pain.

That's not just as grave. Can't hurt me now I'm dead. Dot, dot, dot. Unless ghosts can heal. Oh, that's great. Do that. And a photo of you going, oh no, panicking. Shouldn't have had this rat sack.

It's three photos. It's one left looking real smug. In the middle is panic. Or like realization. And then the third one is just absolute mayhem. Oh. Trying to spew out the back. Just put fingers in my throat.

Oh no, I'm poisoning myself again on the way out. Is that how it works? Can't hurt me now. All the poison is absorbed in your tongue. I was reading this out of nail polish removal last night that my girlfriend was using because it said poison down the side in big letters. And I was like, all right to be using this? She's like, yeah, just don't drink it.

And then I looked on the side. It said, if swallowed, do you know. not induce vomiting. Like that would make it worse. Yeah. So maybe it does come back up, gets into your esophagus, your mouth. The other option is you pee it out. And I don't want to be poisoned there either.

You already are, am I right? Nah, get checked. That goes for everyone. Get checked. Everyone gets checked. Can't hurt. It's quick. And if it does hurt, then you really should put it.

That's the real warning song. It burns. And if it does hurt, do not induce vomiting. No. It won't help. Go on. Emperor Claudius married, I haven't stopped introducing. Like, so many of these names come in and out very quickly.

But it's just... There's so much. It's a lot going on here. Claudius, that's the character in I Claudius. I imagine. I'm thinking of I legend. The Robert Hargrave's book, I think it's about Roman history. Yeah.

Well, if the title is I Claudius, then I reckon Claudius is the character. I think it's like a diary. written from his perspective. Dear diary. A diary written from his perspective. Yes, yeah. As in his diary, I probably could have said that. Anyway, do go on.

So Emperor Claudius married Valeria Messalina in the early years of his reign. And although she was a cousin of Agrippina, she would become a great rival of hers also. But it sounds like Agrippina, she had plenty of rivals. Something about her that, like, it's interesting how different people interpreted Agrippina's life in different ways. I'm like she was just such a strong woman that was usually at that point like women were second class citizens in a lot of ways.

And she had none of that. She was like she was just as influential as. She was traveling first class, glamorous, glamorous. Fergie, never thought we'd have that on the pod, did you? G, L, A, M. clam. So she's a badass, but she's also got lots of enemies. She sounds like you'd have a lot of respect for her,

but she'd be very hard to get on with. I feel like, yeah, she's almost, she feels like she's choosing. Like the enemies, it feels like she's on the front foot a lot as well. It's not like people are going, I'm got a disliking of you. But she also grew up in such a tough time.

Like her dad was poisoned for political reasons when she was a toddler, and it just never stopped. So this was just her life was, kick or be kicked. What's the actual saying? Kill or be killed? Sure.

There's another one, right? Thought it was kick or be kicked. Yeah, that's good. That's pretty good. You got a kick, or I'm going to kick you. Up to you. Yeah. Okay.

Let me think about this. Ow! Yeah, I'd kick, I reckon. I hate being kicked. I hate being touched in general. Leave me alone. Fuck or be fucked. No, that's not it either.

Then maybe there's not the same. I think it's kill or be killed. Kill or be killed. Kill or be killed. That's fun. Killer be killed. Killer be killed. Killer be killed.

A stand-up comedian called Killaby. And he killed. At that gig last night. Good job. Killaby. Oh, okay. I join in. It's no good.

All right, I'll sit here quiet. I never said anything. No, your face said it all. Don't take my face out on me. Jess, please. That is not my fault. It's 100% your fault. My face is my fault?

Yes. That is the biggest thing letting you down. This has nothing to do with me. The true me is on the inside. It's all mush. Yes. My friend, Killaby, murdered a man last night. Anyway, do go on.

Facken. At a big public event, that Empress Messalina attended with her son, Britannicus, which is a sick name. That's the best name so far, for sure. Encyclopedia Britannicus. So she was there, Messalina, the Empress, married to the emperor, was there with her son, Britannicus, right? The same event, Agrippina was there with her son, Lucius. Oh, Ravory.

But Agrippina and Lucius received a much more generous reception from the audience than the Empress, Messalina and Britannicus. and many people, because Agrippina, seemingly it's going through a lot of tough times. Sounds like, you know, her husbands were dying. Some say that she's because she killed him. Sure, but she's the people's champ. But she, yeah, the people are loving her. She was also the daughter of such a popular couple as well, and Germanicus and Agrippina the elder.

So no doubt this would have really ground Messalina's gears, so to speak. Messalina saw Lucius as a threat to her son Britannicus's position in the empire as a future emperor. Like obviously, he was seen to be, you know, on his way to the top. But she saw Lucius as a bit of a threat. Due to this, she organized assassins to kill him in his sleep. He's a kid. Is he a kid? Are they a stage or is he a big boy?

Yeah, he's a kid. I mean, it's funny because some people he do actually live till. what we would still say today is oldish, like 70s or whatever. But a lot of these people die in their 30s and 40s. Yep. So I imagine, I'm pretty sure he's still quite young. Probably why they get married at 13. You know, get busy living.

That's the saying. Get busy living or kill. Yeah. Or kill it be killed. Kill it be killed. Kill it be killed. So a team of a comedy, that's good. Get fucked.

I get it now. So a team of assassins take out this, possibly a young child. That was the plan, but luckily for Lucius, the would-be killers were scared off by a snake that was next to his bed. Well, I just imagine him waking up being like, thank God, oh, snake, oh, fuck! It turned out it was actually just a snake's skin. So he was very lucky that they didn't have a bloody good look, to be honest, that I think. I didn't prod the snake, so speak. Is that a thing?

I didn't. I'll just be quiet for a bit. What has happened to yourself? Confidence tonight? It's at an all-time low. Is it something I said? Yeah. Is it something my face did?

Because I will fucking punch it. Go on. Punch your face. All right. I'll do it. Is it really? Yeah. I don't know.

If my face has given you grief, then I will give it one. Go on. All right. Look, you just say the word. I have. And I will punch myself in the face. I'll make me feel like that. I don't, like I'm not going to do it because I'm not in a gratuitous violence,

only if you definitely think I should. I definitely think you should. I'm given you an out here. I don't want you to say anything you regret. No, I absolutely want you to punch. You'll be punched. Yeah, punch will be punched. Oh, so I punch my face or.

We punch in the nuts. Yeah. Yeah, at the same time, together. One nut each. Yeah, yeah. Shuck and left. Yeah, that's good. I'm going on with the right.

That makes more sense. Okay. I give yourself a little punch. I mean, that's your left arm. Oh, he did it. Is the beard pad you at all? I did. Luckily, I'm not a very good punch.

You still felt quite a bit of pain, right? Yeah. Okay, great. I'm feeling a lot more self-confident now. I thank God. Thanks, Matt. In 48 AD, anything for you, Bob. In 48 AD, Messalina was found guilty of conspiring to over

overthrow her husband, Claudius, and was executed. Oh dear. So it just feels like a time where everyone was nervous about everyone else. Who can you trust? It does feel a bit like that. Who can you trust? Every partner is knocking each other off. Plus, you got brothers and sisters, you got your own kids.

Like these are the people you should be able to trust. It feels like at this time, more than any other time in history, it was Killer be killed. Killer be killed. That's right. Then again, you know, they say like, you're more likely to be murdered by someone close to you, you know. Because I was about to say, if something happened to me, I wouldn't think, I wouldn't, like, think my brother had done it.

That's what he'd want you, think. Exactly. You know? Or a close friend or a partner, business or other. That's what he'd want you to think because he wouldn't, that's because it's true. Yeah, yeah, and he would want that. That's why he wouldn't want you to, why would he want you to, yeah. It'd be weird.

It'd be weird. He was like, no, no, I didn't do it, but I wanted you to think I did. Yeah, that would be strange. It's just his last wish. Yeah, she wants to think I killed her. She wants me to go to jail for a crime I did not commit. Yeah, that is what I've done. Also, like, what a wild task. You know, the queen is being killed.

Yeah. Because it looked like she was conspiring to kill the king, basically. I'm putting, just in case people don't know terms like emperor and empress, I'm putting in terms that we can understand here today. Yeah. Yeah, thank you. No. Okay.

But in terms of, if you're relating them to a type of, of penguin, what kind of penguin would he be? Okay. Like a fairy penguin. Okay. And that one with the funny face. Great. Greg.

The Greg penguin. The Greg penguin. It's such a funny little face. Greg the penguin. So Messalina is dead. Claudius is single. And ready to bark. Oh.

That's definitely the phrase. And now Agrippina was became, post Messalina's death became very close to Emperor Claudius. But she's still married, right? And he is also her uncle. Claudius? Yes. Oh. So they became close as like an niece and an uncle or?

Yeah, initially. Like a Greg and another Greg. I think I'm pretty, actually, sorry, I think, um, Agripan. isn't married this but I think she because she killed. She killed her second husband. She killed her. Yeah. So she's single as well.

And also ready to. So there's nothing. And they've got a lot in common. I also killed my partner. He didn't kill his partner. She tried to kill him. And then he killed her. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I mean, I mean, a lot of these times I imagine that you want to get rid of them. So you say, oh, she's trying to take over.

Get rid of her. Yep. So. Or maybe he's just crazy and thinks you know, because you would be at this time. You'd be thinking everyone is out to get you. Because everyone is. Yeah.

It really feels like that. It's just like, what an uncomfortable time. A lot of it is people in their sleep as well. So you just... Imagine their self-confidence. Foo. Yeah, like these are like they have guards and stuff. Or even, but if you're awake, it's like someone goes,

you were conspiring and kill me so you're getting executed. I wasn't. Yeah. But I was asleep. Yeah. Well, we tried to kill you when you were sleeping. Um, despite uncles marrying nieces being frowned upon at the time, uh,

Claudius and Agrippina decided to get married on New Year's Day in 49 AD. Leading up to their wedding, Agrippina, so he had to change the laws. People didn't like it. People like, this is no good. Right. It's not. They changed laws in it and, and, um, the wheels were in motion. Leading up to the wedding, Agrippina's cousin, Lucius,

Junius Salanus Silanus Porquatus Lucius Lucius Junius Salanus Porquatus was to marry Claudius's daughter

Claudia Octavia Oh my God Agrippina didn't want this to happen though as she wanted Octavia to marry her son Lucius instead Right So Agrippina

along with the consul Lucius Petilius the elder Fuck me made the unfounded and you could argue hypocritical accusation that Salinas was in an incestuous relationship with his sister, Junior Calvina. This wasn't true, but also what a wild accusation to throw out when you're planning to marry your uncle, like at the moment in the middle of... Yeah, I'm not, the emperor's changed the rules to make it so he can marry his knees. The accusations did the job as Emperor Claudius put a stop to the marriage. It was his daughter as well.

So he's put a stop to the marriage of his daughter because the guy she was going to marry was supposedly in an incestuous relationship. And he made Salinas or Salinas resign from public office. So this fucked Salinas up, Salinas. He was devastated by this and committed suicide on Agrippina and Claudius's wedding day on news day. So it was just like, and this was just. for a political maneuvering. Holy shit.

Just doesn't, yeah. It is thought that the marriage was strategic for Agrippina, helping get Agrippina's son one step closer to becoming a future Roman emperor himself. It also meant that Agrippina was now the Roman empress and the most powerful woman in the empire. Wow. It's insane. Yeah, it's incredibly confusing. Yeah.

But insane. Just so much is going on. Imagine the papers back then. Oh, God, to be a journalist back then. Oh, my. So many scoops. So many hot takes. Yes.

Imagine the BuzzFeed articles. I would not be making any hot takes back then. I would be putting my head down. That's what you and I differ. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be going on them. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, big time. It's important that the people know. David'd be like a denton. He'd get all their, really in-depth converts, interviews with them. I'd just be, look, I'd be going, I'm the pro golfer or something.

I'd have some sort of, no, you would even keep your head lower than that. Yes, just, I'd be nothing. Yeah, you don't want to, you don't even want to be a teacher or anything. You just want to be someone who's, I mean, being a soldier might be like, somehow being a soldier feels like it's a less dangerous job

than being anywhere working around the palace, being an advisor or anything like that. They're dropping off all the time. You're less likely to die. It's amazing. Wow. I became a soldier for safety. To protect myself.

The marriage also made her the stepmother of Claudius' children, and which she had a few from previous marriages to Alia Paitina and her old nemesis, Valeria Messalina. So she's now her nemesis' kids' mum. So Britannicus. Oh, that's awesome. She's Britannicus as stepmom now. Is she like older than them at all?

Yep. Oh, other than the kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a bit, okay. It's not like dad's got a new wife that's younger than you are. Yeah, no, yeah. I think it's more age appropriate now, although I don't have to double check that. Imagine if you had to teach your stepmom how to drive.

Come on. I had to give her lifts everywhere because she's like still in her elves. That'd be fucked. No, there's a sitcom in that, though. Nope, no, there isn't. I'm just having a quick look here. So Claudius was born. Oh, yeah, no, there was a bit of an age difference.

Claudius, oh, of course. Yeah, sorry, I forgot it as her uncle. So he was born in 10 BC. So it's quite a big age difference. So is Britannicus then also her cousin? I think, well, yeah, so Britannicus is now her stepson. her cousin. And her cousin, yeah.

And her pet dog. And her butler. Britannicus! My ice is melting. It's fine. To protect her position, Agrippina removed anyone from the Imperial Court who she thought was a potential threat to her and her son. Which makes sense if people who are like. her and everyone else,

then that would make sense you would want to get away anyone who might be coming for you. So she booted out people like Messalina's mum, Damedia Lepida the Younger and a bunch of others who she saw as being

loyal to Messalina. In 50 AD, Agrippina was granted the title of Augusta, which was a great honour. She was only the second living Roman woman to receive this title. That same year, the place she was born was renamed Colonia, Claudia Ara Agripenesis.

So it was named after her. Such catchy names. Yeah. I've actually been in the city. It is now known as Cologne in Germany. Ah, cool. So it starts... Imagine if they were naming a place after you.

Like, welcome to Jess. That's no good. or Gary Gary's good Gary No Gary is definitely a man called Gary demanding to have something named after him

Yeah That's not an honour That's him Yeah He's breaking balls Yeah he's breaking wills People are like fine That is a mate

I've never looked up who Gary was That's well I'll be doing that later Welcome to Matt Please be a good guy Oh you're very rarely A thing's named after good people History doesn't go

You were real nice to everyone. I'm going to give you this honour. Yeah, true. So, yeah, so it's now Cologne. Where are you from? I'm from Dave. Oh, me too. Have you guys been to Cologne?

No, just Berlin. I only spent a day there, but I had a great time, funnily enough, in an Irish pub. So cultured. So unlike you. We're watching American sports and an Irish pub in Germany? No, I was watching. It was, um,

I'm Champions League soccer. And I almost missed my overnight train to Munich because this Irish guy was just buying me Guinness after Guinness. I'm like, all right, one more. And I literally, with my backpack on, I ran and my friends were holding the door open for me to get on the overnight train, which costs 100 euros or something. It was really dumb. It is dumb.

Did you get on and just vomit black stuff everywhere? And all the other passengers are like, oh, thank God he made it. Thanks for holding the door for this, fuck wit. Can you do that again? It's just black and they just think you're dying. And they're only no German. And they're like, what's going on? I think I was asleep pretty quick.

It was a beautiful, comfy train. Oh, good. But I did see the big dome there as well and I went out for dinner. You saw the big what? The dome? It was, you know, like the big cathedral? Am I making that up? I might be misremembering.

Anyway, the... I think I just imagine a giant condom. The big dom. You know, the big dom. I mean, that would be a tourist attraction in our country. We have big stuff. Big dom. Big dom.

The big dom. Not dong, dom. Dom, the big condom. Oh. Do you think I'm saying the big condong? I've been calling them condongs for years. Boy, life passes the condom. I love

That's a weird insight into your life we did not want Oh I can't believe it I feel like an absolute fool Yep the shop love Yeah pick up some more condongs Congdongs Should we get a six or a 12 pack Six or last just the year already

A 12 what are you planning That's outrageous I'm wondering if Jess was going to break this episode. I'm really glad you did. What are you? That's, how old is it? That sounds like a, is that an elderly couple? Yeah, it's so old.

Better be safe. What are you planned? I did, I did once lose a bet that I was sure for some reason that orangutang was orangutan was orangutan. No, now I'm not even sure which one's right. Is it orangutan? Yeah. It's a rangutam.

Tan. So the G's, yeah. So I lost a bit saying it was a ranu-tang. Were you like doubling down? Like, nah, nah, I'm definitely right. Yeah, it cost me five bucks. But it was because I thought I'd read it. And I'm like, I thought I was surprised by out of the fact.

I'm like, no, I know. I know you don't think it. Neither did I. But, yeah. It sounds out. A ranutang. A ranu tang. Sounds delicious.

Anyway, we're back in Cologne, or as it was known back then, some fucked-up Latin thing. Yeah, what a wild, long name. So anyway, so that, she was getting all these sweet on. Things were looking pretty good for at the moment. She was top of the pops, right? She's back to the top of the pops. But probably the biggest thing to happen in 50 AD was Agrippina convinced Claudius to a her son Lucius as his own.

She convinced him to adopt her, making her daughter and wife. And now sister to her stepchild, who was also her enemy. So was her son, adopt him and make him your son? Yes. It's very complicated. So even though he had a son already, Britannicus. Oh, yeah. She convinced him to take on Lucius as his own

And basically put him into next in line He was sort of now the anointed one They also changed his name To Nero Claudius Caesar, Drusius Germanicus Not too many I just picked like really famous Roman people And put him all into one To make him sound like the ultimate guy

Well you know the famous Nero This is the famous Nero This is the famous Nero Is that the guy from the Matrix? Nero. Because it's an anagram of Rohn. I am Rhone. Dave looked at me then with a mixture of hate

and are you fucking stupid? In my head I imagined Morpheus. I was like, You've really fucked that, dear. Oh, Neo. That's much closer. Also, that chain of cafes that's on every corner in London. Yeah.

And they're everywhere. Matt's memory of London was still horse and cart. Yeah, your memory of London was the inside of an Irish pub. It wasn't, I don't know. I think I was only at an Irish pub that night because there was some big football matches on. and that was the only place that we could find showing. I'm not just going from Irish. Normally I would much prefer to go to a German pub in Germany.

Sure. Well, I was about to, over the next night, I was in a classic Bavarian pub, drinking Steins and big pretzels. I wasn't drinking the pretzels. But I was having, it was great fun time. Anyway, so yeah, so this means now she's got him to preference her son over his own

to be the next. Good. I'd just be like saying Britannicus had said some fucked things. I'd be like, it was really odd. Britannicus was saying you wanted to murder you. Yeah.

You kept saying that. I had a chat to him about it. Like, I think you're safe. Doesn't that feel? For now. Yeah, I talked him down. But he crazy. He'd be everything everyone said you'd question.

Yeah. But not your wife. Hey? Yeah. If you can't trust your wife, your third wife and niece. Third wife. Who can you trust?

When you've murdered the first two because you didn't trust them. You're not, you're doing something wrong. And her ex-husbands almost seriously died. Yeah. Because they weren't wearing condoms. What are you planning? Why? I might have just been being thrifty, Dave.

It's cheaper. Character in Dave's act out. No, that was Dave. That was, yeah. That was all Dave. That was a scene from my life. A diary written from my perspective. My diary, you can say.

I want a kid. Right. So you remember how they blocked the marriage between Salinas and Claudius's daughter, Octavia. Yeah. And that was because Agrippina kind of wanted, would have preferred. them to marry her son. Yes. Lucius, now Nero.

Well, that's what happened. They... Hooray! Which is now... Because her other partner killed himself. Which I think... It didn't certainly be mentioned, but if I'm following, that means their brother and sister, right?

Like adopted brother and... It's not blood, but... Or they're somewhat blood-related. But now that he was adopted by Claudius. Yeah. Isn't that making him marrying his sister? But that wasn't mentioned. So maybe I...

I did, I got, my brain got tangled up around this one. Anyway, so now they're going to be married. Octavia and Nero. It is confused. Remember on the Cleopatra episode, when you look up her, her family tree, it is basically a straight line. Yeah, right. They're all related to each other. Well, because of all these marriages and stuff, this family tree, there's lines going everywhere.

And they, you know, it's, yeah, it's a fascinating. to look at, even the simplified on. Wikipedia's got a simplified family tree. And it's still hard to follow. And it's still, yeah, it's hard enough because there's different lines going between different people. I mean, like at the moment, we've got a married couple who's also niece and uncle. Yeah.

So there's a lot, what's going on. So Octavia and Nero married on the 9th of June 53 AD. In the following year, Claudius started to regret his decision to favor Nero over his own son and started preparing Britannicus for the throne instead. Obviously, this did not sit well with Agrippina, and it is thought that on the 13th of October 54 AD, she poisoned the emperor. He definitely was poisoned, but it thought was poisoned by Agrippina.

She loves a good poisoning. Oh, gosh. It's not definitive. Some believe that he may have just died of natural causes as well. Natural poisoning. But it seems like that might be a bit too convenient. Okay. Either way, so he was

63 years old when he died and that paved the way for Nero to become emperor when he was just 16 years old. Right, so she killed him before he could change it back to make his own son the next in line. Yeah, okay, that is very conviviate for her. Yeah, so no, no, no, I just died of natural causes.

Yeah, on the way to post this letter at the post office that would make my son no longer the next in line. It also caught flames. Caught a flame somewhere. No, no, no. Yeah, weird. I agree. It's weird.

And I'm mourning. Yeah. Big time. Because I miss him. My husband? My uncle? My uncle. My uncle.

He's such a hunkle. Or unk-bund. Is hunkul a term already? Because that feels hot uncle. It's like a milf, do you reckon? Oh, hunkle. I mean, it's still kind of gross, but hunkle. It's fun to say.

Yeah, it's my favourite of all the... Thank you. Milfs, gilfs. Dilf. Dilf. Hunkle. Hunkle all day. Get busy, living or get...

No. Hunklein. Went a hunkle down for the winter. That's when you're going to fuck your uncle for the winter. What are you planning? In the early days of Nero's reign, Agrippina was basically running the show, obviously because it was still quite young.

She showed a lot of influence, but this didn't last too long. While he was younger, it was easier for Agrippina to influence the way her son ran the show. She dressed him. Yeah. Wipeed his bum. He's like, Mom, I'm the emperor and I'm 17 years old.

Here comes the airplane. Thanks, Mom. But it still sounds like he wasn't super keen to listen to her political advice. So she installed a few advisors who were loyal to her, or at least she thought they were, including philosopher Lucius, a lot of Lucius. Fucking hell, I'm so confused.

Lus, Annius Seneca. We're going to call this guy Seneca. And Sextus, Afranius, Burris. Sextus. Sextus Burris. Or I'll call him sextus. Who was commander of the Praetorian Guard. Dave, what's the Praetorian Guard?

I can't help you. It doesn't matter. In my head, they sound like dinosaurs. So I'm imagining an army of dinosaurs. That was my T-Rex noise. It wasn't very good. I enjoyed it. Thank you.

Baby T-Rex? I do a little arms too. You know, it's real fun. That did sound like a baby T-Rex. Yeah, baby T-Rex. Thank you. Emerging from an egg. Now is a good time.

That's what the Praetorian Guard were, they were baby T-Rex. Now is a good time to tell you I have a role in the Jurassic World franchise. What? That's a baby dinosaur emerging. From an egg. Yep. They were like, our CGI is really good now, but let's just paint Jess's face like a little dinosaur, let it come out of an egg for a bit.

CGI is so 2017. And they paid me. What people are now is women paid as dinosaurs. Yeah, I got paid heaps for it. Really? Yeah, I'm loaded now. Oh, that's so good. Yeah, thank you.

Yeah, thanks. We're happy for you. Thank you so much. I don't need this podcast anymore. I'm too famous for it now. You are. Well, once a movie comes out, oh my God. That's why it's so nasty you've stuck with us.

For now. Close the door with your tail on the way out. This will be my final episode. What? Now she tells us. You're breaking hearts all over the world, man. Oh, sorry. But my bank account is full.

They can't fit any more money in there. They couldn't add another zero. It wouldn't fit on my laptop screen. All that, you know, that sweet podcasting money. It would just take you over the top. Yeah. I can't do it. Sorry.

Bye, everyone. I'm a dinosaur now. What a cliche. I just want to sell out. We always knew what would happen. It's a matter of time. I'm a dinosaur now. I don't need you.

We've been counting down until the day she said that. Here we are. So she's installed these two. Reminders of the name, Sextus, and... Sextus and Seneca. And Seneca, what was his description again? He was a philosopher.

Philosopher. And the other one's the Praetorian Guard. Yes, the dinosaur. Baby dinosaur. The idea was that this would help her maintain control over Nero via them. So she'd be able to, you know... Right, devil on the shoulder and on the other side. Yeah, and she just goes, I want you to give them this sort of advice.

But it sounds like it didn't quite work that way. Seneca and Burris, sorry, Sextus. Thank you. started to encourage Nero to do things that Agrippina wouldn't approve of. We start a fire. We didn't start a fire. For a second, I didn't get that. He famously started a big fire.

But now there's doubt. I believe, I was reading there's doubt about that, but I didn't go into it because that feels like he's a whole other topic, right? Yeah, sure. I know nothing about him. The idea is that he played fiddle or something. Is that right? No, he was in the Matrix.

Oh. He was in the Matrix while Rome burnt. Yeah. That makes sense. I said that before. You did. I'm sorry. Yes, and I thought of Morpheus.

I'm sorry. Lawrence Fishburn. Damn it. Fish burn. Fish burn. While Rome fish burned. And what temperature did it of fish burn? 309 degrees Celsius.

I mean, yeah. Anything would burn at that degrees, to be honest. Not anything, but food for sure. Yeah. What about a rock? Maybe. Depends on what it is. Ignius or Metamorphius.

That sounds like a thing that I should understand. Just by the way, he looked at me with his eyebrows. Talking about on Morpheus. Yeah, well, it's not really... Metamorphic. Okay. That's very good. Matt, just go on.

Just go on. We're very close to end. We've got... We're into the... glass of the emperors. Okay, so the two advisors are telling him to do some benches. Stuff like dating a woman who's of lower status. Yes.

Yuck! Ew! It's a weird thing for an advisor to say, isn't it? She's probably a massive babe. Yeah. Yeah, go for it, man. She's a babe. I would.

Bro. Bro. You're the emperor. You can have anyone. Yeah, give me a bro shake. Yo. Y. Yip.

Yo, we bros. 17-year-old Emperor Oh, he Dayton I'm putting myself in time out again According to modern historian Miriam Griffin

That's a quote It was not the intention of Seneca and sexist That Agrippina be removed from the scene Their influence over Nero depended largely on the fact That they provided a refuge From her tactless and arrogant demand

Oh, brutal. So they were like being his friends, really. Yeah. Should I cry on. That's right. Well, they, even though she was like, you're loyal to me, do, you know, help me out. They were like, really, we're probably loyal to the emperor and the state and we want things to be. Right.

So they were being like, what a bitch. What a bagging out of the moment a little bit. Their tactics did lead to Agrippina losing control of her son. There were rumors at the time that in a desperate attempt to maintain. Nero's loyalty, she seduced him. And some said that that did happen and they boned. But it sounds like this is not a view. Hang on.

Who boned who there? Agrippina bone Nero. Her son? Yes. To try and subdue him. To try to, well, to try to go, you know, use a feminine whatever. Don't look at me and do that weird little gesture you're doing. Feminine wiles.

Is that what they say? Is it wilds? That's fuck. That's fuck. That's fuck. Yes, Jess. But apparently that was just a rumor at the time and it's very baseless. Okay.

I hope so. That's not a... I've seen you being a bad boy. Oh, Dave! No! All right. Who's your mummy? You are.

Damn right. Is that all? Sextus? Give us five. Five. That's generous. Yeah, so apparently that doesn't hold up. Didn't happen. What is agreed, though, is that Nero and Agrippina were becoming increasingly wary of each other.

Around 56 AD, Nero kicked his mum out of the palace and started taking away her powers. Get out of here, mum. Get out of here. Agrippina started taking preemptive antidotes to common poisons. Such was her fear of the plot to kill her. Anadotes? Antidotes. What did I say?

Anadotes. You didn't say anecdote. Yeah, which is the big fear. Yeah. I think that was... Anadduos, you mispronounced both words of once. Phew. I didn't want to sound like an idiot.

But she was right to be wary because Nero was fearing his mother's influence and he knew what she was capable of. because he, you know, he lived it. She's killed before. So he knew, so he was like, if I'm on there wrong, I don't want to be on the other side of it. If I am, then I'll warn her eliminated, basically.

One of his advisors, Sextus, agreed to carry out Nero's plan only if there was evidence of Agrippina plotting against him. But there was no evidence found. So growing impatient, Nero went ahead with a different plan. This is like a relatively famous one, where he rigged a boat to sink with her on it.

Oh shit. What? What? Because they were talking initially they're like poisoning or just stabbing. You know, classic sort of just going, but it would be like, this is too obvious. Let's fake an accident. It's a lot easier to go, oh, that's what a tragic thing to happen. Absolutely.

Amazing. Wow. Apparently she was aware of the plan. I saw in some of the reports. But she boarded the boat anyway. The boat's lead ceiling collapsed as planned, but it failed to sink the vessel. And as such, the crew had to make sure that the boat went under. The guys on the boat had to make it go down.

They were bailing water into the boat. But even this wasn't enough to finish off Agrippina, as she was able to escape the wreckage and swim ashore where she was met by an adoring crowd. Oh, my God. They just applauded her. And I bet she looked really good. Yeah. She's wearing like a bikini.

Flicking the hair. Yeah. It was like one of those famous Bond. Yeah. She's like Julian Craig or whatever coming out. Ursula Andres. Daniel Craig. There we go.

And then the original one is Ursula Andres. Nero was now shit scared because he's like, fuck. She knows now. She knows. It's not, we can't even, there's no pretense anymore. That was pretty clear that I was trying to kill her because they, it didn't work. The accident didn't work. So they had to like.

It's like, why are you guys trying to sink this boat? Why are you trying to hold me under? Whoa. So he organized to have her murdered by a member of the Navy, you know, forgetting even the pretense of an accident. I just fucking kill her. Please. Yeah, nicely.

This time the plot was successful. And on March the 23rd, 59 AD, Agrippina was killed in her sleep. Always in the sleep. Yeah. Which is probably a good way to go, to be honest. I don't want to be aware of it. Yeah, they say in asleep, but I mean, like, how are they killing you? And I imagine it's, you were asleep minutes before you died,

but I imagine usually being murdered. Can you, I don't know, unless it's like a gas or something. I doubt it. Yeah, like, if they start strangling you or something, you'd wake up. You're like, mm-hmm. Go back to, Marge, turn on. the TV. Nero went on to rule for a further nine years.

His reign ended with his own death on the 9th of June 68 AD. Apparently he was, that were coming for him. He was, the plan was from him to kill himself. And then he was like, some of his loyalists were around him. And he goes, you kill yourself first. Get us rolling. Like, he was, he was like, didn't have the guts to do it. And he's like, you go first.

And then he still didn't have it. And he ended up getting someone else to kill him for. So someone else killed themselves and he's like, yeah, that really. Yeah, that didn't look good. That didn't look fun. I don't enjoy that. Roman, so, and his death also signalled the end of the Julio Claudian dynasty, which began at the start of this report, basically.

So there's the five emperors of that dynasty, I think. Wow. Cool. That was the end of the dynasty. That's insane. And, I mean, we all have sort of, you know, quirks in the family, you know. Yeah, like everyone's family is different. There's always these different dynamics when you talk to people like,

oh, we don't talk to that uncle anymore or blah, blah, blah. But this stuff is 100, 100 levels of. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Through her life, it's been alleged that she was responsible for 10 murders, something like husbands and. It's like a crime boss. Yeah.

Yeah, it does, it feels a bit like that like a... Very, very, very, very early mafia. Yeah. Roman historians, Roman, I'm giving historian the Roman treatment there, the Latin treatment. Roman historian Tacitus described the post-Agrappina years of Nero's reign, saying that he plunged into the wildest improprietries, which vestiges of respect for his mother and had his. Either are not indeed repressed, but at least impeded. So it's like the shackles were off. He was a wildcat while she was alive.

But then he just like orgies and all sorts of wild. Just no more rules. It was just like, but he'd go on hell for leather. Well, you know that somebody's going to kill you at some point. So I reckon if you make it to empire, just fucking live. You know, party it up. Do whatever you want. But I'm at what, surely, did it, none of them seem to have a,

Crackett just being a good leader who looked after everyone's best interest. Oh, Matthew. Yeah, that's so cute, Matt. Come on, Matt. A bit naive, you think? Bit naive. You don't have time for that. You've got to worry about yourself.

Good point. I damn. You've got 900 people that are going to knock you off around every corner. You can't even get to sleep. That's true. Oh, if you're going to go to sleep, have a snake next to your bed. Yes, a fake snake. Fake snake.

Otherwise, it could go really wrong. Yeah, you don't get a real snake. Oh no. You just, you're just, you're out, all right, that little snake. Oh, great. Now I've got a bloody snake bottom of the tongue, and my tongue is gone numb. Oh, that tongue will go numb. Well, luckily, I've been taking all this antidote.

Yeah, but the snake's just trying to give you a little kiss back. Oh, a little peck. She said, no, night. No, night. So I guess what tachitis, or tachitis, or, Tacitus was suggesting there is that Agrippina was a great influence on Nero, held him back, and potentially even some of his great accomplishments were in some way owed a debt to her. Right, before he just went off the rails.

Yes, so she held him in check and made him somewhat of a competent ruler. Maybe. But I mean, with everything, there's just different opinions on the side. There's people that love her and people that hate her and ever in between. I think she was just like a real, not very nice person. And some people are like, yeah. This is the last paragraph here is from biography. Dot Your Dictionary.com.

And that suggests that perhaps Nero's notorious misconduct was an effort to find distraction or respite from guilt from killing his mother. According to Roman historian, according to Roman historian Dio Cassius, Nero frequently saw his mother's ghost and rarely had a good night's sleep. So apparently he just lived with the guilt for the rest of his life. Wow.

And that's why he became a party boy, just trying to numb the pain. Oh, as many of them do. With sex, drugs and alcohol. Anyway, that's sort of, that's my attempt at the story of this, of this wild story. So there was... Huge, yeah.

And in any of those eras you could just do, like, expand it out. For sure. Yeah. Just get it in so deeply. Oh, well done. Well done. We attach all the references. I'd love, like, I mean, there's a great, if you do like Roman history and you

want to get into it properly, Dave and I, I'm pretty sure Dave has as well, we're both listen to this great podcast series. It's one of the most famous podcasts out there, probably hardcore histories. Oh, Dan. And it was called the one about the Roman Empire. Oh, Death Throws of the Republic. You have to buy it now on his website. It's about $2 a piece, but each episode is about four hours.

So it's basically paying $2 for an audiobook, and he is the most gripping solo storyteller ever. Yeah, so good. You just get caught up in his enthusiasm for it. And his many quilts. Coats, yeah, quote. And he quotes original sources, and he, he gives a lot of great analogies, I think, as well.

He really brings you in. Great. But he talked about just before. I was going to say, yeah, this is now the Roman Empire, which followed on from the Republic. The Republic. Which, I mean, all of that is, I make my head explode,

but I love it so much. I wish I could just have all the info injected into my brain. That'd be amazing. Download the internet. Because I'm such an idiot. I just don't retain anything. You're not an idiot, Jess. I'm a bit of an idiot.

I disagree. I couldn't follow most of that today. But I did enjoy the bit about condoms. See, there's something for everyone. Even an idiot. I feel like I didn't nail that and I probably kept too many of the names in that we were just distracting. I should have probably broken the stories down more, but I ended up sort of just giving like... Hey, there's a lot of shoulda, coulda, woulda here.

No, I felt, I feel like... And a lot of didn't. The names there were a lot, but at the end, I still feel I know what happened. Yeah, I feel like I do too. So I hopefully it translated somewhat over to you. But yeah, this is the first, I think this is the first episode we've done about Roman times at all, potentially. We did Cleopatra. Cleopatra, sorry, not Roman times, but the, yes, very good.

Another woman. Remember he is the only one he can remember. No, she was part of the end of the Republic. Right. So, yeah. And that was she, so when he wanted to go over to. when Caligula wanted to go to Alexandria, that would have been to hang out with pharaohs?

See, these are questions that I... No, by that time, Alexandria was sort of part of Rome. Right. Or the empire. Yep. So he kind of wanted, he was wanting to go to an outpost almost. Yeah, yeah, so there would have been a lot of stuff there. Like then in the Alexandria Library, that was the most famous library in the ancient world.

A lot of theatre. Oh, big time. Yeah, he would have loved it. He would have loved it. Anyway, that wraps up the report. Thanks so much for listening, you guys. Yeah, thank you very much for joining us. Us.

Yes, we appreciate your hour. We appreciate your artist and that was suggested by Claire Jones. It was in such a close Patreon vote. It was level. We had to go into overtime and got up by one. I'll probably put the runner up in a future hat to get voted on again because obviously people quite liked it as well. It'll be like a hover hat. Hover hat.

Or a hat that has Wi-Fi. Wow. A Wi-Fi hat. Or like a hat that's in microchip form and it's injected under your skin. Yeah, and then you just press a button on your skin and the hat forms. Under your skin? No, yuck. It pops out.

Pops out. Obviously. Obviously, sorry, that was so stupid. Or a hologram hat. It's not actually there so you don't get hat hair, but you get the look of it. Oh, great. I love that. With none of the sun blocking benefits.

Nah. It's fashion. Fashion. It's just a fashion hat. It's just a fashion heart. I'm just wearing a fashion heart. I'm not here for, please. I'm not wearing a Legionnaire's hat.

It's a fashion heart. Oh. Obviously. Hey Dave, would you lead us in this week's prayer to our Patreon supporters? Yes. Thanks, B, to the Patreon. Yay, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Patreon. What I found something that didn't come up at all, but reading through it,

like the year 33 AD came up at one point there. So that's the year Jesus was crucified. Is that right? We should do it. this episode. Yeah, I suppose so, because I just say it was 33. But I imagine that there would have been some, at somewhere along the lines, there was probably some blip in the calendar that made everything just out or something.

But anyway, it doesn't matter. Our Patreon supporters are a big part of why we continue to put out a show every single week for 100 and 34 weeks in a row now. So we appreciate your support. We actually cannot do without you. and anyone who listens every week and feels like that they want to give back to the show can hit up our Patreon

the links in the description of this episode or patreon.com slash do go on pod and in exchange for your support you also get bonus stuff that no one else gets including now two not one but two bonus episodes per month and also other stuff including a shoutout at the end of the episode

so what do you think Jess it's episode 134 as I said we've got to thank these people. What are we going to give them? Well, I was thinking either giving them, and how she was like Agrippina the Younger. Oh, yeah, yeah. I was going to give them a the something.

That's good. I like that. But I also thought that at the very beginning of the show. And then I thought, no, give the boys a chance to think of something amazing. I would have only gone with something like, let's give them a Latin name, but that's confusing. It's so hard. We're already confused. So I think the something is good.

Yeah, keep it simple because I'm the idiot. And Dave, if you feel inspired by it. Latin for any of these, please feel free to throw that in as well. Oh, okay. I definitely well. Who, should we, should I lead off? Yeah, go for it. I would like to thank all the way from Skeena Hill in London. Hello, I'm in London. Skeena Hill. Well, Sun Hill was where the bill was set. It was always Sun Hill Police Station. All right, gop. It's me, Adel. No one knows me last name. Sorry, Mum. It's Adkins.

No, it's not. You're nicked. Yeah. I loved it when they said you're nicked. And that always looked like, oh, fuck. They're nicked. Anyway, from Skeener Hill or Sun Hill in London,

I'd like to thank Tom Beasley. Tom Beasley, the knicker. Oh, good. The knicker. Not the knickers. No, the knicker. You're nicked. All right, Tom, you're nicked.

Is that Jack the Ripper back to haunt us? Oh, God. Good on your time. Appreciate your support. Matt, that was like, you just went with your gut. You just, that was great. The knicker. I love it.

Okay. You can't tell if I'm being serious. Well, either way, I'm offended. I meant to. You're either giving me a shit or you've given me a compliment for talking a little bit. Yeah, it was great. Great talking. Who else you got, Dave?

You talked a lot today, mate. Yeah, I'm sorry. Dave. Now, I would like to thank. Someone who's been supporting following the show for a long time Been tweeting us often on the last couple of years and I'm embarrassed to say

I'm going to mispronounce her name Okay But I'm going to give it a go though But I'm going to give it a go And I really appreciate the sport Because like I say She's been following us for a long time Gemma Akeem Pong

I think you probably did pretty well there Gemma Akeem Pong Who's currently studying in the USA But she is a track and field runner Originally from Ghana And has represented Ghana at the Olympics And the recent Commonwealth games in Australia. Really?

I didn't see that. Yeah, she's on the Gold Coast in the relay. Oh, how cool. That's awesome. I kind of want to say Gemma, the Olympian. Yes, that is so, so cool. Because I don't think I've ever known an Olympian before. And then when you first started following us and tweeting us,

it just blew my mind that an Olympian was listening. Yeah, it still blows my mind, to be honest. It's really, really cool, Gemma. So we wish you all the best with all your studies and also you're running, because that is so, so cool. May I have a go? Yes. I would like to think.

Wait, what do you give? Oh, I said the Olympian. The Olympian. The Olympian, which is cool. I wonder if she's got the Olympic tattoo. Because I own a lot of Aussie. It's like a tradition for especially the swimmers to get the rings tattooed. Yeah, Aussies do seem to do that, but others do as well, don't they?

I was wondering, I don't know. Maybe, Gemma, let us know. Have you got the Olympic tattoo? There can't be something just we do, right? Well, Hamish Blake, the radio announcer and commencement. comedian also got it done. Melissa Wu has it on her leg but in hearts. It's a bit cute.

Hearts but like Olympic colored. Olympic colors and Olympic rings are all joined, but their circles are hearts. The Olympic, the IEC would freak out about that. That's not it. They like own every, even me mentioning the word Olympics,

they're probably going to sue us. Yeah. Wow, we are fucked. Yeah, can I have a go? Do you want to go? No, please. Okay, that's going to be a time. So I'm going to do it.

All right. I would like to thank. From Woodville, W.A. Washington? W.A.? Yeah. Woodville, Washington. Erin Sterling. That's a good name. Erin Sterling is very good. Is it Woodville or Woodenville?

Woodenville. Woodenville. I told you I'm the idiot. I don't know what you're expecting of me. It's amazing I'm literate at all. Erin Sterling is a great name. Aaron Sterling, the liar. I went Wood, Pinocchio. Oh, okay.

Pinocchio lies. I love seeing the journey. I mean, it's not very complimentary, Erin. I'm sorry. The liar. The deceiver. Okay, that's good. Because if you're a good deceiver back in these Roman times, you'd live.

You needed that. We're making it positive, Matt. I know, do you open to a second? No, yeah. Yeah, go on. Make it positive. Aaron Sterling, the Pounderling. Pound sterling.

I know someone whose nickname is Pounder, but for a different. reason. They're a baker? Yeah. Sure. A girl boy. Girl. The pounder?

Yeah. The ponder's a great. No, just pounder. That's a real, like that sounds like a crack and like a real tough nickname. Grounder. Like a, for a volleyball or something. Pounder. She likes a lot of McDonald's, is that it?

Sure. She's volleyballer or something like that? Yep. Wow. All these things are coming through. Yeah, she's a boxer. So thank you, Erin. She's so many things.

She's very, she's a comprehensive. complicated person. And I would also like to thank from Essex in Great Britain. Jordan Elmer. Fudd. The fudder. The fudder.

Elamada. Hello fudder. What about Jordan the Elmer? I like it. Or Jordan Elma, the Granada. Yes. Here I am at Camp Granada. Marge is Lisa in Camp Granada. So what are we going with there? Do you want to say the Granada?

I like it. I like it. What does it mean? What does that mean to you? Well, Granada is in the south of Spain. So he's the place, the Granada. Yeah, good. Oh, no, what about the Alumbra, which is a very, like a famous Arabic castle in Grenada?

That's pretty good, Jordan Elmer. The Alumbra. Love it. Can I? Yes, let's bring us home, Matt. I'd love to think. Because you've been nailing the names all night. So let's go with it.

From Kingston in Tasmania, a place I've visited many times, Mr. Robert Riddell. Oh, the Riddler is back. Oh. Which is what we've called him before. I think we've got to give him a unique man. Okay. We appreciate this.

The robber. Riddell has been a big supporter of us for a long time. No, I go something different. From the relaxer. R&R. Oh, yes. Now you get that. Robert the relaxer.

Yes. Yes. Oh, I'd love that. Does he relax, or does he relax you? Both. He's always, he's always on your, like, doing that classic neck massage. Hey, ooh. Oh, you're getting real deep out. Oh, nothing makes me more uncomfortable than that.

No, but he knows that. He wouldn't do that to you. He wouldn't do that to you. He'd read your book. Yeah, thank you. He's just like a really chilled dude. He's relaxed, but he also calms everybody else down. He's great and in a crisis, you know? R.R.

The relaxer. Love it. Yes. Yes. Yes. And finally this week, from Texas in the United States of America, I'd love to thank. Power couple, Stephanie and Evan Keller. The Hellens. No, that's dumb. Helen Keller's? Yeah. Helens, the Hellens.

No. What about, they've got to call them a couple name. The Devlers. I like the idea that they are the, the, uh, the, uh, idea that they, uh, the, uh, Okay. Hmm. Matt, are you okay? Hmm. Sorry, I just came too.

Is everything that's been going on? What are you guys being up to? Oh, dear. This is yours, Bob, I think. What are you got? Why me? I just came up with one and you go blanked me. The Miracle Workers.

Why? Which is the Helen Keller play. It's called The Miracle Worker. The Miracle Workers. together. Because they are a miracle. Oh, they are. They're a dream.

They're hashtag couples girls. I think we slipped from the internet original. I like that. I like how we morphed on the way through and it became something more, so much more. So, so much more. Sorry, I just came too.

I also came. What are you got in mind? Our key phrase from today's absurd is, What are you having mind? A 12 fact. What are you planning? What are you planning? What are you planning?

Well, that is... They expire in three years. Are you joking? Oh my God. We're not going to do it once every three months. It's fucking insane. My dick will fall off. I'm not an animal.

Well, that is it for another week. Thank you to everyone that supports us at Patreon. You can always drop us a line at any time. Suggest a topic. There's a link in the description of this episode. If you follow it, it takes you to a little form. You fill out your details. You tell us an idea for a topic.

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Why do you think this would be an interesting topic. This is what Claire Jones wrote. She was a bowler. Such a cool life story. Her son tried to kill her three times because he wanted her power, but she wouldn't die. I mean, she did. I mean, she did.

But a great pitch. Real good pitch. It's a good elevator pitch. Work on your elevated pitch, then submit it to us. Then we'll do your topic. I was in with bowler. What are you planning? Every suggestion's going to start with now.

They're a bowler. That'd be fun. All right. So thanks again for listening, guys. we'll be back next week with another new app. But until then, I'll say thank you. And goodbye. Later.

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