Do Go On - 184 - Roman Emperor Caligula (and his crazy antics)

Episode Date: May 1, 2019

Rome's third Emperor Caligula was arguably its craziest. It turns out being sex obsessed, violent, rich and all powerful isn't a great combination for the leader of the world's most powerful empire. From declaring war on the ocean to declaring himself a living god... He really had a lot of crazy antics.Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/Submit-a-Topic Details about the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival in Thailand in June: dogoonpod.com/eventsTwitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] tickets to Matt's stand up show (at the Sydney Comedy Festival) with the early bird discount code: dogoon via mattstewartcomedy.com/gigs  Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://omny.fm/shows/bookcheatPrime Mates: https://omny.fm/shows/prime-mates Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasSources/Further Reading: Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amarna, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. And welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dave Warnocky and I'm here with Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart.

Hey, oh. Hey Dave. You know, a while ago you said you rotate between St. Jess or me first, but you've got an arrhythm of saying Jess first every time. Hey, there's going to be a six months solid of you coming up. Don't worry. In my mind, you're even. Well, you will be even in six months.

When I do 26 in a row, introducing Matt first. That sounds exhausting. It's hard. Why do you bother? No, really, I shouldn't introduce either of you. No. Just do it myself. Yeah.

Can we go? I don't know if you've noticed I've always introduced myself first. Yeah, you do do that. Yeah. It would be weird if I said, welcome to Dugel on. I'm here with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins. And I'm Dave Warnocky. That's okay, actually.

Yeah. Yeah, that's not weird at all. Do that. Start again. I'm polite. Start again. Hello and welcome to another. episode of Do Go On. I'm here with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins. And guess what? I'm Dave

Warnacky. Oh, that feels right. Yeah, I like that. Finally, cracked the code. Yeah. Order of most important. Down to Dave. Perfect. Hey, we're back. We're feeling fresh. That's right. We had a few weeks at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. We only released a couple of those episodes, but we did four live ones. Thanks to everyone that came along to those. A lot of fun. A lot of fun times. And everyone who didn't come along. What the fuck? What the hell? Yeah. And grow up. You might be like,

Read a book. But I live in Greenland. Well, guess what? We had dozens of people from Greenland come along. Dozens. Yeah, really? Did you not notice that Greenland seemed a little quiet a few weeks ago? Did you not notice that?

One third of their population was at our show. Did you not notice Greenland? Yeah. Oh, where's my mom and dad gone? Yeah, well, they're at the podcast, mate. Come on. Come on. We genuinely did have a lot of people from interstate and a few people from overseas

can make it all the way to Melbourne for the Melbourne Comedy Festival to hang out with us and a few other comedians as well. But that was very nice. It was a real last time. So thanks to all those legends. We learned, we laughed, we loved. Who do you love? I love Vegamite.

Yeah. Have you been eating Veggermite much since last week's episode about Vegermite? When I wrote the report, I was eating vegamite, and that was because the report made me hungry for vegamite. But I'll let everyone in on a little trick here. Uh-oh. Oh, here we go. I think Marmite's fine as well.

You made an audience boo. I'd like anything, if it's black and if it's sticky, get it on a bickie, and then in a mouth. Wow, like asphalt? Yep. Before it's set, yeah. Yeah, any, pro-mite, vegan might I saw recently at a cafe. Interesting. Yeah.

I don't know what's, I would have thought they're all vegan. But I should look into that, I guess. Before we make accusations. Yeah, I've made a... I feel like an idiot now. Wild accusations. I'm going to distance myself from that comment. It's heating up in here.

I cannot handle it. Sorry, everybody. Sorry. What a controversial podcast. But before we crack into it, Matt, you've got to controversially tell us about your Sydney Comedy Festival shows. Oh, yes. So, I mean, we're about our next live shows in Thailand.

Maybe we'll mention that in a second. But before that, I'm going up to Sydney for the Sydney Comedy Comedy Festival doing only three shows. They're on May 16th, 18th and 19th. And you can find out details about that at Matt Stewartcom.com slash gigs. And the discount code of Do Go On, I believe, works for that. And that should be a lot of fun.

Apparently, it's a pretty small room, three nights only. So hopefully you can sell them all out. Maybe you could be there and you could be there and you could be there. And I was pointing at you, whoever's listening right now. All three times? last one. The first two were at Chief Clancy Winkin. He's a character from the same.

Can you? Oh yeah, I guess I'll try my best. It is my job. Oh, great. Well, we can come along to that. It's just the final time you've been doing the show? Yes, I believe so. At least for a long time anyway.

And then chuck it in the bin. Yeah. And we start again. Yeah. What a crazy life you leave. Finally got it exactly how you wanted. Now put it in the bin. Get rid of it.

Never do it again. No, it's a well-old machine, by the same. this time. So I definitely suggest anyone who's in Sydney go along to that. And you did just allude to we are going to in about six weeks, the Koso-Mui International Podcast Festival. And let me just quell a few people out there. Is this a joke? No. We are genuinely doing this. Some people were a bit surprised when we announced it a couple of months ago. And it's coming up close, but there is still time if you want to come along. Basically, the deal is because we're going with the little dumb dumb club, because they've booked out many, many rooms at a resort, the already cheap prices are even

cheaper over there. So basically thinking, oh, I don't know if I can afford it. I'd suggest just look into it because it might be cheaper than you think. And you get to hang out with us and a bunch of other podcast listeners at a resort in Thailand. Yeah. On the beach. The podcasts are literally done on the beach. You're sitting in deck chairs in the sand.

I've seen photos. Yeah, they build a little stage on the beach, which is amazing. And yeah, apparently it's just a real good fun time. There's food there and drinks. It's the beach there, of course. They've got a bed in your hotel room. Hopefully. Yeah, we can't guarantee that.

It is very cheap. I've never stayed in a hotel, but I assume they have beds. Yeah. So it sounds like it's going to be a lovely time. I love Thai food. Yeah. Oh my God. I hadn't even thought about Thai food until just then.

Now I'm even more excited. I like little pineapple drinks with little umbrellas in them. And I think that they will have a few of those. You do love a pineappley drink. Oh man. I love it. Pinocalata every day. I think this is, and this is going to be our closest life show yet to being in

international waters. We're going to be international and near water. We're so close to water. Oh, wow. I'm let, oh no, microphones. I was going to say go stand in the water, but that's probably dangerous. Don't do that. Wow, if we can organize some Madonna headset marks. My dream. Then both of your dreams could come through at once. Waterproof Madonna headset mics. The absolute dream. That would be so fun. If you want to come, look into it. Come along. Yeah, there's a link in the description of the episode here or do go on pod.com, which will take you to the especially set up website from the Little Dumb Club, which will answer all your questions and tell you all the code words,

all that kind of stuff that you need for your cheaper comm. And how it all works? Cool. All right, well, let's crack on with this show, which if you're not familiar, Matt, how does it go? Well, the show's all about a thing. Each week is a different thing. It could be anything at all.

Last week was about Vegemite. In the past, I've also talked about Bigfoot. We've also talked about Johnny Cash. We've also talked about Marilyn Monroe. Chernobyl. Okay, great. I was only doing celebrities. Bigfoot.

Johnny Cash Chernobyl You know The big stars But yeah Events Also murder mysteries Other kinds of mysteries

It's really It can be It's like totally random It's quite eclectic It's a real eclectic mix of topics I like this buzzword But this week

It's Dave's turn To tell us about a topic Jess and I Do not know what this topic is And the way we get on to the topic is by the report giver asking a question. This week, Dave, what is your question? My question to you too is

who was arguably the craziest emperor of Rome? Oh, Nero? A little bit earlier than Nero. A little bit earlier, okay. That helps. Too earlier. I've got to name one. I've got to tell you that this is in many ways

a spin-off of a topic that Matt did about 12 months ago. Oh. Is it Caesar Romero? It is not. Played the Joker, I think. Is that right? Dave, why are you making us look stupid on our own podcast? This person's name is...

Would we know it? Would we know them? You definitely know it. And I actually went back to listen to the episode that you did to make sure I didn't cover the exact same ground that you did. And you said that there was them crooked vulture's song about this person. Oh, yes. Okay. Colligula.

Colligula. It's the right answer. Colligula. Little Boot, right? Little Boot or Little Boots, that's right. Yes. This is... Sounds like something that happens to your blood when you've got a disease.

His blood's collagulated. Yeah. This may be exactly what just said. One year ago. Oh my God, I have not progressed. If you want to write in fancy ink, you write in... You definitely used the word colligulated 12 months ago. So good.

It was May last year when Matt did a report on Agrippina the Younger. Yes, which I have been told is our... most baffling ever reporter. There were a lot of people who said they could not follow what I was on about. There were so many old-skill names and places. I've tried to avoid a few of those names this time. I think I was smart. Streamline it.

Some people who knew what I was, who had a bit of knowledge, maybe they enjoyed it more or less, but some loved it and some were like, I don't know what the fuck you were talking about. I went back and I listened to it because I basically put this up for a Patreon vote. I've picked three topics basically at random. and then I actually had forgotten that this had anything to do with Agrippina. And then it won and I realized and I went, oh no, I'm going to repeat exactly what Matt said. So, but it only just won. So if you want to change how the show works, you should really get onto our Patreon because it won by about six votes and hundreds.

Yeah. And people vote very quick on there. I don't know if you guys do this when you vote. So I put it up for a vote within four minutes where there were 63 votes. Wow. And all three topics had 21 each. That's amazing. And I was like, oh dear.

That's crazy. So it just won. And then when I started researching, I'm like, Agrippini the Younger, that sounds familiar. So if you want, so. I like how it wasn't, oh, there were a topic we did, but it was, that rings a bell. No, no, it definitely did. It is such a specific name. So, and I listened back to that episode and I did really enjoy it.

So for the people that did like it. Would it make sense for new listeners to listen to that one in conjunction with this? Yeah, you could probably listen before or after, because there's a kind of couple of times and I'll be like Matt talked about that in more detail on that episode. This topic, and is also vaguely a spin up from another topic that Matt did a long time.

Oh my gosh. The Titanic. It was suggested by Tasha or Tasha from England who wrote, she actually suggested it twice. I assume it's she. Well, Tasha suggested it twice, wrote where they live near Blackpool slash Manchester. And then they wrote, please come,

which we did. So I don't know Tartier if you came to the show. And then they suggested another time. And now they've updated their location to Lancaster. Ah. So thank you to Tasha. And Tasha or Tasha said the topic I'd like to suggest is Emperor Caligula and his crazy antics. Oh, great.

I love antics. We love antics. And if you want more antics, way I suggest you go back and listen to one of my favorite ever episodes from Matt, which is Super Marat Niazov and his crazy antics. Yeah, that's the best one. He loved to get on a plane that guy from memory. Welcome to plane.

Without a doubt, our favorite dictator. The free salt. He gave away salt. Yeah. I can't even remember where is the dictator of. Turkmenistan. Turkmenistan, not Tajikistan. Yeah, Turkmenistan.

It was the Turkmen Bashi. Of course. How could I forget? So this is Caligula and his crazy antics. Now, Caligula, it relates to Agrippina the Younger because Caligula is the older brother of Agrippina the Younger. So I'm now literally reporting on a sibling of a previous topic. So Matt did a whole report on that.

So I won't spend too much time on his early life because Matt covered a lot of that with Agrippina's early life. But basically, a bit of a crash course here. Please. He was born in 12 AD and was one of six children born to Agrippina the older and Germanicus, a powerful general in the Roman Empire. At this time, Rome was huge, over 2 million square miles in an area today that occupies 47 separate countries. What? All one empire. The population under Roman rule was 55 million people at the time.

which was a quarter of everyone alive on planet Earth. That's too many. So very successful. It would be unruly. Too many people to try and like... To rule. Yeah, like good leaders know their people. You're not going to remember that maybe.

Yeah, like our prime minister knows this all by name. Yeah. Like, gay, Scott. That's what we say to him. Yeah. At time of recording. Yeah, that'll change by next week. Not necessarily.

Probably. Almost certainly. The polls of time. I don't want to call it just in case. In charge and on the throne of this massive empire was Rome's second emperor Tiberius, who wasn't very popular. Caligula's birth name was Gaius Julius Caesar,

being named after his great-great-grandfather, Julius Caesar. Ah, that makes sense. Such short, catchy names back then. Oh no. It really rolls off the tongue. Gaius, Julius, Caesar, Germanicus. Caliculus great-grandfather was Augustus,

Rome's first emperor. So he came from a long line of very powerful men. As a child, he lived with his family and father, who was the general in Syria, or modern-day Syria. Lived with his family. That's an interesting upbringing. They did things differently back then. It was a different time.

Let's not judge them. No, no judgment. It's a bit weird. Well, what is weird? He also accompanied his general father on his military tours. He had a general father. His general father. He had a specific father.

Oh, this is my general father. I've got my mathematics father. He's just doing his general father things, you know. Well, you don't want to specialize as a dad. Nah. He's like a GP. Yeah. General parent.

General parent Tish. I want to get your bones checked out. You go to your Cairo dad. Yeah. Everyone knows that. And he's in Egypt. Oh, my way. Oh, no.

This is an awful start. During. It's good stuff. During this time, he was paraded around in a little uniform, which led to his nickname Caligula, which translates as Little Boot. Well, remember. Oh, I thought it translated as clotted blood.

Clotted cream, that reminded me. I want to have some scones. Scones. Two options there for things that clot prefer the cream. I'll take the cream any day. Although it's nice to have blood too. Your blood's got a clot. When you cut yourself.

That's true. If it doesn't clot, yeah. Some people have a non- clodding blood. It's not ideal. Some people have a non-clotting cream. Yeah, they're idiots. A sloppy cream.

Yuck, that's milk. Oh, actually, white milk. He would. I don't know why I'm so sorry. Do go on. He's hanging out with his father, dressing as a little military boy. Cute.

Quite cute. And his father, who as a general, was extremely respected. And this possibly cost him his life. Oh. His father was poisoned, possibly under orders from the emperor who may have been threatened by Germanica's popularity and growing power. So, dad's gone, and then things weren't great for Caligula's family after that,

as Emperor Tiberius wouldn't let his mother remarry for fear of her new husband being too powerful, and then the mother and Caligula's brother and sister, including Agrippina, was sent into exile onto an island. Long story short, the mother, Agrippina the elder, and a couple of brothers died of either suicide or starvation. Jeez. So they're gone. But really the only reason that Caligula was left alive and in Rome was because he was

seen to be too young to really be a threat. Also, he looks cute as shit with that little uniform one. We're a little outfit. He couldn't kill him. Oh, man. So he was allowed to grow up with his great-grandmother and his grandmother. So cute. Nice.

A little cute, he and his little booties. Great-grandmother, grandmother, but mother's been sent off to die. Yeah, good by. What a wild family. Imagine Christmas Day, you know. Imagine it'd be a bit tense. Well, there was also the reason that his mother was, which I believe you talked a bit about on Agropina episode,

was Agrippina the elder, the mother, kept accusing the emperor of poisoning her husband and he was like, you've got to go. I'm sorry. You can't keep telling people that. Look, if you just shut your mouth, you can live there, it'd be fine. I bet you would want me to shut my mouth, you poison her. All right, you're going to an island.

Oh, yeah, well, you would do that, you big poison, oh. People who send women to Ireland's killed my husband. She's got me there. She's got me there. guilty as charged. So he's growing up with his grandmother and great-grandmother the whole time imagining wearing this little outfit. I don't know if he did, but let's imagine it.

Sleeping in it, showering in it. Be it good sleepwear. A military uniform? Well, it's a toga, right? It's like a sleeping bag. It's more like a metal breastplate and a shield, all that kind of stuff. Yeah. That is what I was imagining.

Classic sleepwear. I was imagining more like a World War one kind of outfit, which now I think about it is silly. You're probably more accurate. An Australian slouch hat with a rifle over his shoulder. Yeah. Is that not right? With his donkey. Yeah, yeah.

It was all going on there. Probably had a donkey. Yeah. That's something that wars have always had. Donkeys. You know, it's something that brings together generations of war. They're the unsung hero of war. Yeah.

Donkeys. Yeah. Not great vocally, the donkeys. They sound a little something like this. Hey there, Winnie the Pooh. I'm a donkey from a cartoon. Oh, boy. Yeah.

What was me? He's depressed, isn't he? Classic catchphrase. Yeah, he's a real sad character. Yeah, he's a sad character. Did not, it was not into him. I think he's funny now, probably. But at the time as a kid.

Real kill joy, a bit of a wet blanket. A real bummer. I like piglet. Yeah, you would. Hey, Dave, do you go on, I reckon? Okay, so growing out with grandma and great-grandma. Then one day, at the age of night, In 19, 1831, Emperor Tiberius came a knockin.

He invited the young Caligula to join him on his isolated castle on the island of Capri. Oh. Calicula was excited but also nervous. It either meant that the emperor had taken a liking to him or he was going to have him killed. Either roll. Rear roll of the dice here. Love those odds. This is either a great move for me or the end of my life.

Oh, wow. Exciting. That's like playing Russian roulette with a gun that has one bullet in it. and one chocolate bullet, you know? So one, you're dead. The other one, you've got a delicious snack. And this gun only has two bullets. Yeah.

It's a weird gun. A lot of it's empty. So you just have a click and you have a boring. Click, click. Yeah. After the third click, you'd be like, oh, fuck, this is boring. Yeah, I'll take the bullet. This is so boring.

Take me out. Luckily for Caligula, it was the former. It was he'd taken a liking to him. He wanted to take the young man under his wing and mold him in his image. Ew. The castor was basically a house of debauchery with lots of sex and violence happening at all times.

All times. 24-7. Sex and violent! 24-sex. But not at the same time. No, well, it's violent Wednesday, sexy Thursday. There we go. It's not violent sex.

No, they're probably a bit of that. Or sexy violence. Yeah, I don't think those Romans would have gotten into any violent sex. Collegular. He loved gentle love-making. Genel love-making. Sensual, intimate. Yes.

Violence, not in the bedroom. I just want to make sure that they're pleasured. Then I'll get on to the violence. Yeah, then once the pleasure has taken place, I leave the bedroom. Once I leave the bedroom, we're back into violence, baby. Give me a gun. Okay, again, we're in a different era.

Oh, give me a sword. Yeah. Am sword? Yeah. But that could be confusing because a lot of people back then called their dick's swords. You're right. Give me a dagger. Same problem.

Yeah. That's a flustered. Give me a... What's another weapon? Cat of Nine Tales. Give me a Catanod Tales. Oh, that could be pretty sexy. Oh, no.

This is a nightmare. Give me a cannon. Oh, no, that's definitely... Give me a spear. Oh, no. Okay. I think the Cat a Nine Tales. Is that, would that be, anyway.

Violence is sexy. Yeah, violence is sexy. I've always said it. It was a sexy, sexy place. The walls were decorated with Mosake pornographic images. Oh, I love like real bad, sort of sketchy things. You have to squint to figure it out. Yeah.

I think I see a nipple. Is that a nipple or is that a bit of dirt? Either way, it's got me hot. Out. People were routinely executed by throwing them off a cliff. Okay. All for fun. That is good fun.

can't tell if that's violent or sexy or both. Well, Caligula played along because no one wants to piss off the emperor, and this is possibly where he developed his sadistic and hyper-sexual side because he ended up living in the castle for six years. That's too long. Six years in the sex castle. That's a long time. Don't be exhausted.

You just want to, like, you just want to break to just read a book for a bit. I know, but it'd have to be a book about sex. Oh, I just want to read a bit of fucking bloody... Jess, can you not name a book? This is embarrassing. I can't name an author. Wow. I don't have any of the poo.

No, I want to read some Molina Marchetta. You can't make ones up, Jess. Looking for Al-Brandy. He would have loved to read that, but no, not. It's a coming of age. It's not sexual or violent enough of this castle, I'm afraid. Did they make the movie looking for Al-A-Brandi into a book? Yeah.

Is it just pictures of the film? Yeah. Is it a storyboard of the movie? Yeah, I bought a storyboard. Wow, what a storyboard would be. I do the voices myself. I'm Jacob. You know?

Yeah. Oh, I know. I haven't seen that film, but I feel like I have now. Yeah, remember I had it with me on the plane on the way to the UK and I insisted on reading out loud. Oh, I'm Jacob. All right, miss, would you like your meal or not? I'm Jacob.

Look, um. Yeah, we did have a good. So I come back or Look over at Matt Watching The Incredibles too Sleep He loves when we bring it up I'm fascinated why you're fascinated by

It was just very cute A man Sleepy on a plane Sleeping on a plane We were away together Children's movie Couldn't I get through it We were there for three weeks together

And that was the highlight for Jess and I Yeah What a trip The rest was a real chore What a trip Okay so he was living in the sex castle for six years. It was here that Caligula formed a powerful friendship and alliance with the Praetorian Guard,

an elite unit of the Imperial Roman Army whose members served as the personal bodyguards to the Roman Emperor. They were the big boys. They were horsemen? Are they half horse, half men? Yes, that's right. Yeah, I thought so. He became top half horse. Are you born into it or do you?

Into the horse, yeah. You are born into a horse. then you punch your way out or kick. If you kick your way out, then your human half is the legs. And if you punch your way out, then your human half is the arms and head. I mean, you don't want human legs if your options are human legs or horse legs. Yeah, it's a real mistake, but they're babies. They don't know.

They're babies, I don't know. But they have to live with that decision. Little baby legs, even a baby horse, like a, you know, a foal. Still quite heavy for baby legs. Yeah, you'd be toppling over. Yeah. Oh, one nightmare. You want horse legs.

You want horse legs. Yeah. It was actually, for a lot of Romans back then, it was seen as a real sign of prosperity if your baby punched their way out of a horse. Yeah. That was lucky. But it was seen as horribly bad luck,

and often you'd be shunned from society if your baby did kick its way out of a horse. Yeah. So, I don't know, we like to have a joke around on this show, but obviously sometimes we hit on some pretty serious topics. Yeah, but comedy, tragedy plus time. That's right. Is it finally time?

No, it's still too soon. Okay, sorry. So sorry to all the Roman family's listening. So he makes friends with the elite Praetorian Guard and he became close friends with the leader of the guards a man named Macro. He's the top dog. It's a shit horse name.

Very powerful horse. He's a very powerful horse. Macro. Macro. Very powerful. By this time, Emperor Tiberius was 77 years old. Very old for the time. Back then, yeah.

And was unpopular with most of Rome. He was reclusive and not well loved by the people, and the powerful Roman Senate weren't fans either, as he'd held trials and persecuted many of them when he thought they were going against him. So he's pissed off the people by not really engaging with them at all, and he's pissed off the rich people by having him killed. There you go.

So not popular. Then in 8037, Tiberius died, and he was possibly smothered by either Caligula or Macro. Put him out of his misery. Just a pillow. Do they have pillows back then? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You've got to be, got to make sure it's not a sex pillow, though. Oh, God, I imagine making smother death by a sex pillow. Yuck. My man, there is that hole that you could breathe through. I've held this pillow out only for 40 minutes and he's still breathing. Oh, it smells terrible, but I've got to breathe.

Breathe through your mouth. Taste bad now. Don't lick the sex pillow. Never lick the sex pillow. Rules for life. That's number one. I'll have that written on my fridge. You have to be reminded.

Yeah, I always forget. I'm like, do I lick the sex pillow or do I? I don't like the sex pillow. Hey, you make that mistake once. You never make it. Shame on you. Lick a sex pillow twice. Shame on you again.

And you're starting to get to take it. for it. That's called a habit. So Tiberius dies and he left his titles in his will to Caligula and his grandson, Gamalus. Gamalus. These names are so silly. Trying to limit them because there's so many silly ones. Gamalus.

We have to name Gamalus. So basically, they're named as his successes, but two people, which is controversial because you can't really have two emperors. Caligula traveled straight to the Senate to win them over and cement his peasant. power. They make all the laws and things of the day. Very powerful. You want them on your side. He went smoozen. Oh, he made a great speech and tells the Senate what they want to hear, basically, telling them that he'll be their son and that they are so taken, they agree to vote him to have all the honors of the two emperors that preceded him. So he's a great speechmaker. Basically, the old guy was so unpopular. They were happy to have anyone, and without proving himself in any real way, Caligula has just handed the keys to the Roman Empire. And he knows how to make people like him. Imagine how many keys it would be.

Oh, there'd be so many keys. Oh, 50 million people. 55 million houses. Imagine, oh, hello, Mr. Emperor. Sorry, lock myself out again. Would you mind getting me the spare key? I genuinely thought when I was a kid that when people were given the key to the city that they could just like get in places.

You should be able to. You should be able to. Don't do it if it. But like if you're hungry, the Maccas is closed. Yeah. Just pop in. Yeah. Fry yourself up some chippies.

Should be able to get into the mayor. all makers. Yeah. So what is, just like an honour thing? Who wants that? Pointless. Give me cash. Discussing.

Though, if we can be handed the keys to Gary, Indiana, we will accept that. Yes, I'll take that one. Oh, I got an email a few days ago from the rail cats asking if they could send me a present. Oh, and you said, no, thank you. I said, yes, please. That's cool. I wonder what it's going to be.

I'm hoping that now I'm hoping it's the key. to the city. Oh, whoa. Do you think it could be? We've also got some stuff coming from Greg's. Literally. That someone sent to us. Gary and Greg.

Greg's in the UK. But has that arrived yet? No. You let us know. I would. It's coming here. Oh, I would let you know. Thank you so much.

I imagine we'll be keeping people updated on social media with photos of the Gary and the Gregs. I wonder if I'm getting keys to the steel yard, their stadium. I'm going to get keys to the locker room. Maybe you get your own locker. That'd be cool. The send a locker room. I feel like I deserve that.

Yeah. So it sounds like he is now made a big enemy. If I know anything about these olden day times, if two people were up for something, and one of them muscles his way to take all of it, the other one's going to seek revenge. Well, Gamalus is actually only about 13 years old, so he's quite young at the time.

So Caligula adopts him. as his son. Play. I mean, did he not have parents? Can you just take a kid? Yeah, he's my son. He's mine now. He's like, no, no, no, he's ours.

We had him. Yeah, but I want to adopt him. And that pretty much keeps him under his control. Yeah. Because he's like, I'm your dad. Hey, when I'm out, you get to be me. But until then, I'm me. I think that seems smart.

Yeah, it's a powerful move. And he also starts buying people off to, you know, sort of buy their love. During this time, Rome was very, very wealthy. Caligula has complete control of the Treasury. So he keeps it that way by bribing nearly everyone. He gives every family the equivalent of about $1,000. Bit of a, you know, jump in the economy as well. Hey, I'm your old pal.

You hated that old guy. Well, here's a grand. And then he bribes the Praetorian Guard, the very, very powerful bodyguards by doubling what Tiberius left them in his will, and he pays them two full years of wages as a bonus. Wow. So they're like, we love this guy.

He's great. And possibly the first example of insanity and the twisted sense of humor that he had came out when to show the people just how generous he is. He stood on top of the 60-foot-high Basilica Julia in the middle of Rome and started throwing buckets of coins out to the people below. Because it was so high, people were injured by the coin and also further injured when they scrambled to collect them and Caligula reportedly loved this.

Okay. He's just throwing coins. He's throwing coins. He's hitting people in the hair. And they're like, ow, but also we're poor, so thanks. And he's like, yeah. So that's the first sign of him being a bit twisted. And that's one of the things that prompted them to make paper money.

Right. Easy to throw off the top of buildings. Yeah, it just flutters down. Yeah, just a gentle brush or the cheek. I'd also made those cash box machines a lot more fun. You know, those ones that you jump in and you're coming. You can catch as many as you can. Oh, I think of the accounting machine, which I love.

But you're talking about... Like on a game show. You get in as whatever cash. Yeah, when it was coins, a lot of people died. Yeah. But since they turned into paper money, it's always. But whatever money entered your body, your family got to care. Funeral paid for itself.

Exactly. Everyone's a winner. Smart. Smart. I'm not a dead person, but... So he's winning over the people by giving them cash, winning over the Praetorian Guards by giving them cash, and to win over the powerful Roman sense.

Senate, he said he wouldn't be like Tiberius who had held secret treason trials and had arrested anyone who went against him. And to show how he's different from the old leader, Caligula even burnt the documents in front of them that had evidence of the senator's wrongdoings. So he's like, look, I've got evidence here that you've been bad boys. But I'm going to burn this. Because I'm a cool. I'm cool. I like you.

And they were like, that's good. That's badass. We were like that. So it's a strong start. Everyone liked him. He's just kissing ass. It also helps that he's the son of the super popular Germanicus, who was, you know, everyone knows was murdered, cut down in his prime.

So everyone's like, yeah, I like this guy. Sartonius, who is his biographer, later said that over 160,000 animals were sacrificed during the three months of public rejoicing to usher in this new reign. Okay, that's logical. That makes sense. The more things you kill, the better it is. Yeah. I know back in those times, we've held on to some of those things.

Like the Romans started a lot of good stuff. And I think we still do that now. When we celebrate, we kill a lot of animals. I'm killing one now. Whoa. Who are you celebrating? Just having a good day. If I'm having a pretty good day, I'll kill an animal.

But if you're having a bad day, sometimes the only thing that can cheer you up is killing an animal. Yeah. That's the thing with killing animals. It's all purpose. It's all purpose. They say pets are not just for Christmas, and I agree. You can kill them all year round. But yeah, that is wild.

So they would kill in like a ceremony? They'd just... Yeah. Yeah. So from up to the dogs. It's not just like someone's going around with a sword just chop them down. That one's for you too, mate. That was my dogs.

But it'd be like, so they'd find a goat and then do a full-on ceremony thing. Yeah, 160,000 times. That is pretty wild. You're right. They are such an advanced society. for being 2,000 years ago, but some things you're like, what? Yeah. Yeah.

What are you doing? Because we went backwards, like civilization went backwards after they sort of, the things that they had created were lost. Like, we didn't know how they did it and then the dark age. Yeah, sometimes have like systems of distributing water around and then the aqueduct broke and they'd be like, we don't know how to fix that. Yeah. Whoops, that's just been there for 500 years.

Does anyone, no? No one's an engineer anymore. I should have kept them alive. Oh dear. Oh no. No more water. All right. Back to drinking mud.

Catching rats. So the first six months of his reign, everything goes super, super well. The Senate even gave him the title of Potter Potriye or Father of the Country. Oh, I like that. He's 25 years old and he's got power over everything. Everything. He's 25 with a lot. 13 year old son.

Yeah. Started young. He's always. He's potent. It's all that time in the sex cage. Oh yeah. Sex castle. They called him potent and pottery potterson.

That is Latin for, yeah. Real big sperm. Really big. It's not that he has a lot of them. They're just massive. One big sperm. They'll punch their way through a uterus. Not through a uterus.

Wow. Into a uterus? Into. I'm going to go back to. If you go through. It's cool. Then the uterus. You've gone too far.

You rendered the uterus useless. If you've gone through the uterus, you've missed the turn off. You've punctured the uterus. Chuck a you eat. Chuck a uterus. And seen. Okay, everything's going well. That's what I'm trying to say.

But then six months in, there's a spanner in the works. Caligula suddenly gets very, very sick. It's a mystery illness and people have speculated that perhaps he was poisoned. They probably love poison back then, don't they? Oh, they love a bit of poison. Like, think up another way to murder someone. It's just so easy. Poisons been done.

Well, the people of Rome absolutely panic. Their beloved new leader could die and people wait outside the palace, to see if he's going to be right, and commerce even stops in Rome. Commerce? Yeah. Not commerce. Well, I mean, basically how commerce worked back then was a man stood on top of a building

and threw coins at everyone, and now that man's ill. Yeah, true. Where are we going to get our mother? Money. Just bring back cobbess. During this time, Macro, who I mentioned before, you don't like it. The horse. The horseman, the leader of the Praetorian Guard, he panicked and approached Gamalus, the teenager that was named as Tiberius as Coeer and the one that Caligula adopted. He's adopted son.

Yeah. Macro forms a plan to install Gamalus as the new emperor if Caligula dies. Because basically, his grandfather had left it to him. Yeah. The only problem is, Caligula doesn't die. He makes an unexpected recovery quite quickly. And on hearing this plan to have himself replaced by his 14-year-old son, Gamalus, he sends his Praetorian guard to arrest him. Who, the son?

Yeah, he's like, I've got to get rid of my son now because... He... Yeah, he would be like, oh, I felt it was like I was poison, and all of a sudden my son was about to step up. Yeah. But he'd be like, his son would be like, yeah, but wasn't that the point? Yeah, I'm your son. I'm your...

I'm your... But he saw him as a new threat, so he got him arrested, and then Calicula sent his Praetorian Guard to the cell containing his adopted son to kill him. But because it's against the law to spill royal blood, the guards had to give the young man a sword. That to put down a tar. Don't waste a drop.

If you spill, I'll be in so much trouble. They gave him a sword. They gave him a sword and told him to take his own life. And what do he say? No? He said, I've never used a sword before, so they had to tell him the quickest and least painful way to kill himself. And he did. What?

Why would he just say no? He's in a cell. Oh, he seems like he's such a nice boy. He's locked up in a cell. They can't make you do it. And they can't kill you either because it's illegal for them to... So just don't do it. I'm picturing the teenager from the Simpsons.

Oh, Mr. Simpson. I only got a job here to start dating Mom. So sadly, he died. Macro, the leader of the failed coup is also given a sword and he too takes his own life. But they could have killed him. Yeah. But I think he's probably, because he's the leader of the Victorian guards, they'd probably respected him and said, do you want to?

Do you want to do this? Do you want us to do it? And he said, I'll do it. Do you do the owners? So obviously, terrible way to go. I feel terrible for Gamalus because, yeah, he was just going to, he's just stepping up to take his rightful place. Oh, that's so weird and awful.

But Caligula really felt threatened. These sort of states of mind, it's just this dog-eat-dog stuff. It never ends well. Because now you're paranoid about everything. And everyone's paranoid about you. They're like, oh, you'll kill people if they cross you. We better make sure we finish you off if we start it, right? And everyone's at each other.

I've been watching a show called The Good Wife. And it is very similar. there's a lot of coups. There's already been two different partners get the ass out of a three partner bloody business. They all get the ass. Yeah. In the sex dungeon.

They had to look for sex pillow. Yeah. Wow. So there's lots of coups. Yeah, it just feels like just everybody. Let's just chill out. Yeah. Hey, good wife isn't like podcasting, you know?

Matt would love a show where they all just get along. I mean, you know what? It's called family time. Have you heard of it? With Urkel? I don't know about that. But they, I just think, it just seems weird. I mean, it's good drama.

Obviously, that's like, some of this stuff feels Shakespearean, right? But they, it just feels like if you're in there, just do all the friendly stuff. Just be friendly and don't kill your son. Or, yeah. Things are going to work out pretty well. Stop poisoning the emperor. No one's going to be, no one's going to, one's going to, want to top you if you're keeping everyone happy.

Who's going to want to kill you then? It's exhausting. Oh, Matt, you'd be a terrible politician. Come on. You can't keep everyone happy. You've got to kill a few people. Well, you're actually bang on the money here because some historians have pointed out that after Killigula's recovery, that's when he really starts to show his sadistic side.

And a lot of it is that he starts getting paranoid that people are trying to take him out. Yeah. So perhaps it's a flip to switch in his head. One person's plot against me. But like it'd be, it's a little bit funny if the sickness that he came down with was just something like, just a viral infection. He just did some rest. Yeah. And then from this he's like, they were trying to kill me.

It's like, no, you're just, you're just done well. And everyone thought you were dead. So your son was getting ready to take over if need be. Yeah. Which was not needed. Which is the natural order of how that would work. Collegular years. But now that you're fine, he'll go back to bed.

a teenager. No, no harm done. He's happy to go back to his PlayStation. He loves it. He doesn't want to be Emperor.

Yeah, he's got Tony Hawk on there. Who would want to be Emperor when you can play Tony Hawk? Yeah. Lights out, Corrilla Radio. Turn that shit up.

I know what, yeah, obviously I'm referencing old computer games but this is in 12 AD. So you are. It's actually more accurate than if you referenced. You know,

one of the modern things. Something that's a battle. Royal, which I believe they all are now, if I've learned anything from Gamey, Gamey, Game. They're all Battle Royals. From then on, he seemed to act very differently to the loving ruler that people were worried would die. So people were genuinely worried about him dying and he came back and went, I'll kill you all. Upon his recovery, Caligula found out that a nobleman had said whilst Caligula was ill, that he would gladly give his own life to save the Emperor.

When the Emperor recovered, he heard this story and he found the nobleman and made him fulfill his promise. What? The man was dragged through the streets and then thrown in the Tiber River to drown. This is the first of many, many crazy antics. But he didn't do it. He was, he, oh. He was like, well, you said you would.

Get in the river. Prove it. Yeah. That's weird. That's so weird. This, my, my heading here is crazy shit starts. Great. His biographer, Sotonia, so I mentioned before, quotes his often repeated phrase,

as colligula would often say this. Remember that I have the right to do anything. anything to anybody. That's a good point. I haven't considered it like that. Oh, yeah, okay. Wow, that's a good reminder, actually. He would sleep with his friend's wives, his enemy's wives,

and there was nothing that anyone could do about it. I have the right to do whatever I want or whoever I want. A little boot likes to have a little root. I only hated the name Calicula, but it just stuck. He really, really hated it. Could have had a rebrand. Anyway, but he didn't. Little Boot loves a root.

You just got to work with what you got. And he's got a great name for rooting. Yeah. He's got a great root name. Well, one story goes that Caligula took a liking to a senator's wife. So he invited her and her husband to one of the banquets he was throwing. Whilst everyone was eating, he invited the woman back to his chambers. They slept together.

And rather than be discreet when they returned to the party, he just loudly told everyone, including her husband, what they'd been doing. He didn't give a shit. Oh. He's also rumoured to have... It seems like bad dinner party etiquette. Oh, did we miss main cause? Sorry, we were just fucking.

And everyone's like, Woo! All right? Thanks. Yeah, no, we could hear you. Very thin walls. Yeah, and they're glass. We could see you.

You were screaming. I know you think you went to your chamber, but you just lay on the main table and bang next to this turkey. It didn't even look like were having fun. Yeah, you kept looking at your watch. And then looking me in the eyes.

You actually didn't even take your pants off. You just stood there making noises so we would think you were having sex. Did you think we couldn't see you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm definitely banging that guy's wife right now. Shut up. I think he's buying it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Et cetera. Et cetera. Matt, do you want to have a go? We've had sex. You and I? No. Jess and I are just proving that we know exactly what sex sounds like.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was a very realistic retelling. Like me. Like, I would have always known that those things that you were saying there were definitely sex things. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Big sex.

In the same way that I would also know that. Yeah. Yeah. So there's that. Standing there at a dinner party. Saying stuff. Oh, yeah. Okay, so collicula was also rumored.

to have slept with his sisters with a special fondness for his sister, Drusilla. Yuck, don't have a special fondness. Don't fuck your sisters. He most enjoyed incest with Drusilla. It seemed that it was an open secret in Rome and he didn't care who knew. He was even known to caress her in front of her husband,

Lepidus, at dinner. Ooh, who's my sexy sister? Ooh. Is it you? No. Is it you? No. Is it?

Yes, it's you? Leopardus? Huh? Huh? How hot is my sister slash your wife? Oh, wow. This girl sounds like a real nightmare. Yeah, he's gross.

Well, it's also about this time we started... In this day and age, he would so be cancelled. Don't you reckon? I don't think you'd get away with a lot of this stuff. No way. Killing people. Killing people. Sexing people.

Adopting sons that are three years younger than you are. Weird. It's also about this time they started to spend like crazy. He'd like to drink pearls dissolved in vinegar and then he What? Just because it was worth lots of money. Pearls dissolved in vinegar. Yes, he'd be like this pearl

is worth $500,000. Dissolve it. Drink it. I just drank a $500,000 drink it like it's a barocca. Yuck. Vinegar's yuck. He wants through a party that costs the annual revenue of three of the Roman provinces. So he's just

spends like crazy, doesn't care. He loved gladiator blood sports, as did a lot of Romans at the time. But he changed the rules to create more carnage. Right. Something that had never been done before. I saw one historian described it as being like the prime minister coming out and being like, I want to change the rules of soccer.

Yeah. He just comes out and says, I want to. And he made the fights mismatched to be more bloody, making a man with a sword, fight a man armed with only a net. Okay, catching butterflies. Or he only gave one guy shield and then. the other guy, the weapons, that kind of thing. It made things way more bloody and brutal, and he loved it.

He also imported more wild animals from across his empire, including lions, tigers, bears and elephants. Oh my. Oh. I mean, I had to. I had to. I must. And they were...

When in Rome. Hey, this story takes place in Rome. Wow, what a coincidence. Sometimes you don't know how funny you are. A bit of fun there. So he just brings in these wild animals to be slaughtered for his amusement. Fun! He brought in so many of these animals at once that they ran low on food,

so he just ordered prisoners to be thrown to the animals to be fed. Like live bait. Oh, they ran low on food for the animals they were slaughtering. Yeah. And you've got to keep him alive for next week's game, so what do you do? Just feed him a prisoner. That's... Okay.

Anyone he didn't like he could be thrown to the animals to be eaten publicly, but first he would have their tongues cut out so they couldn't complain. So to us, he sounds like a terrible guy. I've got written here. I just really think you'd be protesting against that, but it sounds like your silence is complicit. No. I'm

a little shocked, to be honest. I'm shook. In all honestly, it is quite shaking to our modern, feeble minds. It's crazy. It's insane. But he was putting on way more public events than his tired-ass predecessor, so he was loved by the people. Basically, if he wasn't killing you specifically,

a lot of the poorer people liked him. Okay. Yeah. So he was great until you were murdered. Yeah, no, I'd agree with that. I get that, yeah. When he murdered me, that was a bit of a downer. That was a turning point, I think, yeah.

Up until then, I'm not sure about this guy. Quite liked him. And then he murdered me, and I thought, no, I don't like that. Hang on. Then you went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid, like, murdering me. Like, explode you.

Explode you. He also loved the live theatre as any great man does. So much so that during the shows he would join the cast on stage and start acting out various parts and they have to play along because he's the emperor. Oh my God, improv. He loves it. Oh, improv.

Is it sort of like when... Done it. We've done it. Sort of like when King of the puns. It's kind of like when Darrell Summers on How it Saturday would play drums. and I guess the rest of the band would just be like, yeah, Darrell, look at you, play them drums. I've never seen that.

He's like, I don't want to get fired. I'll just keep smiling at Darrell playing the drums. You are so out of time. Oh, Darrell! What's Darrell doing now? It's probably sitting on a pile of cash. Drumming on cash. He's still doing things.

Yeah, I don't know. He'd had a show a couple of years ago on Channel 7. Dancing with the Stars, right? No, he did. He was like a show where people like dressed up as people like, I think, do impressions of celebrities or something. Celebrity transformation. That's already great.

Yeah, like it's like, I really want to be like Madonna. So you go off stage and he come back and you're like all dolled up. Do you think Daryl's hoping someone to be like, I just want to be like Daryl Summers? Or maybe he did a magic show. I think maybe a hypnotizing show. Yeah, it was hypnotizing. You're right. Yeah, he did a hypnitone.

People said, I want to be Madonna and then they'd hypnotize him. until you believed you looked like Madonna. It's an interesting transformation show for TV. The before and after shots will shock you. Caligula also loved horse racing and started holding way more horse races than the previous leaders and this made him even more popular. He paraded around in a breastplate that he had stolen

from the tomb of Alexander the Great, trying to emulate the Great, and even raced in the events himself and had a famous horse called Incatatus, who would also wear the breastplate of Alexander the Great's horse. Do you reckon, did he make, if he was racing other people, did he make them lose? Yes. Like always let the emperor win.

Lose or die. Yeah. One of the most famous stories of Caligalus antics is that he loves incitatus or incutatus so much that he gave the steed a marble stall, an ivory manger, a jeweled collar, and even its own house. He's walking in the horse and sitting on the couch watching TV. Hey, ever heard of knocking? He would feed the horse elaborate food including gold flakes

and then let the horse eat and drink at his table. And one day, when asked by the senators what he was doing, according to legend, he said, I'm thinking about making him consul. Consul were the elected chairman of the Senate and exercised the highest judicial power in the Roman Empire. So he was thinking about making a horse, one of the most powerful politicians in the Senate.

I'm hung up on the gold flakes. I don't think you can feed a horse gold flakes. I think you would put it in its oats. That's not. Brinkle the gold flakes. Then there's just be gold flakes in its shit. Oh yeah, and people would scramble for that shit. That's a funny idea of what wealth should be is to go these things,

like not buy the best food, but just put, you're just like cutting up $100 bills and putting them in your corn flakes. Yeah, that's right. I'm pretty well. wealthy. Yeah, I'm drinking a pearl. It's like, that's probably tastes gross. Why do that?

Because I'm rich. Bitch. You give it a try. Oh, you can't. You drink that lemonade, that disgusting lemonade. Guess who spattered my lemonade this morning? Ralph Lauren.

Not surprisingly, this pissed off a lot of senators when he said, I'm going to promote a horse higher than you. Ricken. Huh. He also liked to build outrageous things. He built a giant boat, I'm talking giant boat, bigger than a football field, just to bring back a giant obelisk from Egypt that weighed over 300 tons.

And it still stands today in St. Peter Square in front of the Vatican. Wow. You've ever seen an obelisk in front of the Vatican? That is what he brought it over. I'm trying to remember what an obelisk is. Big dick, big stick. It's like, I talked about it on one of our upcoming Patreon. Bodeos episodes, we recorded live, the Washington Monument.

Yeah. Well, I'm sure if I saw a picture of it, I'd remember it. But I don't remember it. It's the only obelisk in Rome that hasn't toppled since Roman time. So it's always been standing for nearly 2,000 years. It's interesting. That's crazy. That would be about, so, yeah, it'd be coming close to 2000, right?

Yeah, coming up. So he was living 2,000 years ago. It's absolutely wild. Yeah. We didn't even celebrate his birthday. Seven years ago. Sorry. Or every year, I guess. Sorry, Collegular.

We'll make it up in your 3,000th best. Yeah. When his favourite sister and probably lover Drusilla died, Caligula lost the plot even further. He decided he wanted to have her declared a goddess, something that had never been done before. Okay. This, as well as a lot of other behaviour,

pissed off the Senate. Caligula responded to their criticism by making a big speech and accusing them all of being hypocritical and corrupt. Then he brought out the papers that Tiberius had collected on them as evidence, the ones that he said he'd burned. But he still had him. Bad boy for life. He'd photocopied them.

Yeah. No, like, how'd you do that? He's like, I invented a photocopier. Boom. Duh. It's the only photocopier that hasn't fallen in 2000 years. Every photocopier you've ever seen has, at some stage, you've toppled. You better believe it.

Those things. They are. They've got to put a fourth foot underneath it. Yeah, why three? No one do it. It's like the Mr. Bean car, but a photocopier. Yeah. Silly.

Structurally unsound. He announced new treason trials, the very thing that he promised not to do. And he encouraged the senators to turn on each other and dob in each other to him. He predicted that despite his behavior, they would reward him for they fear him so much. And what do they do? The next day, the Senate publicly gave him more honors in an attempt to suck up to him and win favor. Jesus. He was right.

He decided to humiliate certain senators even further And force them to dress up in short tunics Oh no And then serve him at his banquets Like little slaves And these are some of those powerful men in all of Rome And they can't do anything about it They've got to dress up in a ridiculous outfit

And like hand him grapes Late one night he summoned some senior senators Who thought he was holding an emergency meeting To discuss what's to be done about some growing unrest amongst some Germanic tribes nearby. Instead, when they went to his palace, he emerged in full costume, performed a little dance for the men, and then demanded that they applaud him, which they did.

Yeah. Be awkward if you didn't, you know? He's asking us. Applaud, applaud! At this point, he's two and a half years into his reign. The people still love him, thanks mostly to his lavish festivals and endless entertainment that he pays for. But the Senate are like, this can't go on.

Sorry, do you mind if I just interrupt for a quick moment? I just was thinking, do we not have a sponsor this week? Actually, yes. Thank you for the reminder, Matt. These things always slip my moaned. Mind. This episode is brought to you and everyone at home by Skillshare. Skillshare is an online learning community for creators,

with more than 25,000 classes in design, business and more. You'll discover countless ways to fuel your curiosity, creativity, and your career. Does this sound good to you? Do you want to take classes in social media marketing? Mobile photography? Yes. Creative writing?

Yes. Or even illustration. Yes. Well, whether you're looking to discover a new passion, start a side hustle or gain new professional skills, Skillshare is there to keep you learning and thriving. Oh, I love to thrive. And you know what else needs thriving in my household? My plants.

I can't look after them. Oh, you're a bad plant mom. But they have a course. on Happy House Plants, caring for your plants. I need that. Well, my plants specifically need that. I've been having a browse as well, and there's a lot of courses I want to try. But the one that really caught my eye is called Getting Into Gooch.

Oh, okay. How about that said? I think it's like gouache. It's a type of paint. Getting into Gooch. Still wrong. Whoa. Yeah.

It's a kind of paint. So it's something, you know, it's sort of bold, brave, gooch paintings. And I really want to do, I do want to get into Gooch. Well, if you want to get into Gooch, if you want to get into... Caring for Plains. How is mine less interesting now? Because he said that one. Well, the one I want to get into is piano lessons.

I just ordered a piano online because I want to get back into it. Wait, what? You ordered a piano online. Yeah, I know. What is your life? Are you having a breakdown? It's my midlife cross. What does that mean?

I bought a piano, like a portable one. A keyboard. Keyboard. You bought a keyboard. No, it has weighted keys, please. This is wild. Well, anyway, I want to try Hannon finger exercises for piano. Yes.

So I'm looking forward to doing that. So if you want to do any of these things or 25,000 other options, we've got a deal just for our listeners. You can get two months of Skillshare for free. That's right. Skillshare is offering do go on listeners two months of unlimited access to over 25,000 classes for free. And all we're going to do to sign up is go to Skillshare. slash do go do go stop it right there slash do go again go to skillshare.com slash do goop that does not do go does not change how go is pronounced that's do go I'm so

used to saying do go it's do go which are the first two words in this podcast title which we've been doing for three and a half years okay so one more time and let me say that from the top again because I've clearly stuffed this up skillshare dot com slash do go. Stop it right there. D-O-G-O. Again, go to Skillshare.com slash do-go to start your two months now.

Skillshare.com slash do-go. Getting a goge. Now back to the fun. Even more fun. So he does a lot of these crazy things or silly things just to embarrass the senators, but he can also be extremely brutal executing people who get in his way.

When he heard rumors of people plotting against him, he took drastic action, something that no one in row. Roman ever done before. He arrested the two consoles, the two high-ranking people I mentioned before. So the highest-ranking politicians. One of them was his horse.

He arrested the horse. Usually these people... How'd you put cuffs on it? Just on the front? Yeah. On the back as well? Then it just kind of has it awkwardly. Oh, it shuffles along.

That seems like an awful idea. Yeah, it's real heartbreaking to see. Usually these consoles are out of reach of everyone. but he arrested them and then he tortured them and found out about a conspiracy against him by Leopardus and his sister Agrippina the Younger. Matt mentioned this on his episode

about Agrippina the Younger. But in summary, Leopardus was executed and Agrippina had to walk 100 miles carrying her conspirators ashes and then she was banished to the same island where their mother had died. Pretty brutal. Is that Capri? Is that what you said before?

No, Capri was the Sex Dungeon Island. Oh. That's where you want to, if you're going to get to. They won't be. Oh no. Don't send me to the Sex Island. No, I don't want to have heaps of sex all the time. No.

I don't want to be on Bachelor in Paradise. Stop. Caligula, not surprising. It was a pretty vain guy and he wanted military honors, so he decided to take his army to one of the only places that the empire was yet to conquer. Britain! He marched four legions up to the North Sea, and then legend has it.

Caligula declared war on Neptune, the god of the sea, and then ordered his men to stab the English Channel. Go! That is the best. It's almost certainly been exaggerated over time. Fight the ocean! Yeah, it's almost certainly exaggerated, but most of Sorians believe that the legions refused to board the ships to go to Britain, so to avoid embarrassment he told them to attack the sea, so at least they went there for a reason. Right.

They were like, we're not getting on those boats. And he went, oh, okay. well to stop a mutiny stab the water what was so what was the British Isles doing at that stage what held such fear

I imagine that they would have been on boats before but I don't know why but they just maybe didn't see the point of going there right because it feels like yeah they would have thought

they would have been full of confidence that they could take on anyone basically conquered most of earth or what they know of as earth at this point anyway so he told them to a attack the sea, and then possibly to embarrass them, he told them that they could fill their helmets with as many seashells as they wanted in lieu of pay from the loot that they would have got from pillaging England. His men were to take, quote, spoils from the ocean as a reward for their hard work.

Seashels. He said, anything you can fit in your hat, you can keep. And they had to be like, thanks. Yay. I mean, they, I don't understand why do they go that far? So they've walked to the water and then said we're not doing it anymore. There's a couple of them that are actually kind of stoked because they wanted a little centrepiece for their coffee table at their beach house.

Oh, love it. Just seashells in a bowl. And they all just find a lot of pearls and they fill them up with pearls. And he's like, oh, they're back for it. Hey, give them back. I need those for my breakfast. I'm really thirsty. Have you got, did you also find vinegar?

Who's got the vinegar? gross why are you drinking vinegar So he went up north Stab the sea, came back And then he was hoping that he'd get a triumph on his return Which is a large parade through the city That many Romans regarded as the highest possible honour And what did he what do you think he was getting that for?

Well the Senate wouldn't give it to him Mostly because he hadn't done anything What was he expecting it for? I stabbed the sea I didn't He's like I didn't lose a single man That's never happened before Huh?

Huh? We won a war and I didn't lose a man. I'll wait here if you want to organise a triumph. Any minute now? Hmm? I can't hear trumpets. So he comes back. They won't give him a triumph.

So he decided to hold his own spectacle in Bayer, now in Italy. He ordered a fleet of ships sunk in pairs from one town across the port to another in Puteoli. Bayer to Puteoli. This built a dam that he intended to turn into a bridge. This formed a three-mile-long temporary bridge across the bay from one side to the other. He was hoping to replicate a bridge that the Persian king Xerxes built between Turkey and Greece. So imagine getting all the ships and he just purposely sink them

and then you hope you can walk on the sunken ship from one side to the other. He then had stone and dirt dumped on top of the sunken ships to create a bridge and then paved it with stone like a real Roman road. He put on oak leaves, jumped on his horse and led a load. a Roman Legion from one side to the other. It took hundreds of soldiers in full battle outfits a whole day to cross from one side to the other. Then they partied all night. It was a bit of a crazy night with brawls and some even drowning amongst the craziness.

But he didn't care. The next day, Caligula led the legions back across the bridge, this time riding in a horse-drawn carriage. And some people say that he did this because before he'd become emperor, an astrologer named Thraselus, had predicted that Caligula, quote, had no more chance of becoming emperor than of riding a horse across the Gulf of Bayer. Caligula built the bridge just to rub it in that the astrologer had been wrong.

Cup that astrologer. They're normally so trustworthy. I said my lucky colours for the Melbourne Cup were going to be green and blue. But the winner was wearing yellow. Idiot! So we talked about the Sex Castle. He also built two.

sex boats. Oh, sex boat, sex boat. You're my sex boat. Hong. Okay, so a boat, do you have sex on or with? Oh, which one? Would you rather? Have sex on a boat or with a boat?

Yeah. It's tough, isn't it? That is tough. Something so sexy about a boat. Something sexy about being on a boat too, though. Oh, yeah. Especially if you're seasick. Oh, what about, okay, here's a good compromise.

Have sex with a boat on a boat. Oh, like have sex with a smaller boat on a big boat? With a life raft. Yeah. Bang, that raft. Yeah. There it is. Is this genius?

Sexy genius. Oh, wow. No, he built two giant sex boats. Well, they're just pleasure boats, but I thought. Pleasure boat. Yark. Yeah, that's yuck. I'll get on a sex boat.

But a pleasure boat, yucky. Who hasn't been on a pleasure cruise? Oh, I love a pleasure cruise. No? You get on a pleasure boat and then you get off on a pleasure boat. It's true. Is it? There you go.

So these days the ships are known as the Nemi ships or Nemi ships, or Nemi ships, only discovered in the 1930s when Mussolini drained a lake. They were way... Metaphor. They were way bigger than anyone thought the Romans capable of building. They were massive. They were the length of a couple of four. football fields.

The two ships were in fact floating villas which had baths, a heating system, temples, banquet rooms, statues and even more beautiful, sexy mosaics on the floors. Oh, yeah. Is that a nibble? Oh. No, that one's definitely dirt. Sadly, they were destroyed in bombing in World War II. It lasted all those years until the 1930s and then within a decade they were gone.

That's insane. Okay. What? Sucks, yeah. They got bombed and then because they were made of wood. they burnt. What? You'd be so pissed off.

They made sex boats. Yeah. And this, he made it on this little, it's about 20 miles north or south of Rome. I can't remember which one. And then it's a small lake, only like a mile along. And then you would just have these two giant sex boats on the lake. They can't go anywhere. They can't go anywhere.

No. So why not just build a house or a palace or something? It was after be a boat. Because you're rich. Yeah, sorry. This is the first super yacht. Oh, you know I love a super yacht. I do get seasick, so I'd never have a boat.

Oh. I don't get it at all, super yachts. Don't you want a boat that has a pool in it? And a boat that has a helicopter. Matt, tell me, you go on a boat and you think, oh, I'd love to go for a swim. I'll hop in my pool. And surely, Matt, you want a boat that has...

It does make sense. It has its own missile defence system. Surely you want that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. As a bad boy for life, you want that. Yeah. But more than that, Matt, you want to be able to dip yourself in the pool.

Yeah. If you want to cool off on a hot day on your boat. Because that'd be the worst if you're stranded on a boat with nowhere to swim. Yeah. You'd have to, like, I don't know how... You'd get through all that water to find land where there's a pool. You know? No need.

You could have a shower. B-Y-O pool. Sick. That's badass. Have a shower? Dave, in what universe is a shower the same as jumping in a pool? Well, you haven't seen my soupy.

Metaphor. Euphemism. I said, anyway. Dave, to go on. Okay, things got really out of hand when he started to just kill anyone he thought was against him. Anyone accused of truth.

reason was tortured or whipped to death. He also confiscated the property and wealth of any senator he killed he thought was treasonous, which is a bit of a conflict of interest because if you want someone's stuff, you just kill him. Once he murdered a senator and when he was told that the man actually didn't have any money, Calicula apparently said, huh, what a waste. It's a bad guy. Yeah.

Some claim. He's son to think he's a bad guy. I think he's misunderstood. Sorry, bad boy. Sorry, Miss Independent, Kelly Clarkson. Well, because he felt he couldn't trust anyone, especially his family members. So we started relying solely on members of his inner circle, made up exclusively of former slaves that he'd freed and owed their freedom to him. So he was like, I freed you.

You wouldn't cross me. That was his theory. Then when he was 27 years old, he decided to declare himself a god. About time. After Emperor's done. I've seen it coming for a while. He had godlike qualities. It's weird that it took him this time.

He did a lot of smoteing. That's when I started to think he might have been a god. Jesus smoteed a few. Yeah. Old Testament style. Well, after emperors died, they were worshipped as gods. But Caligula wanted that whilst he was still alive, something that no one had ever done before.

I get that. I'd kind of like to go to my own funeral. Yeah. You know? I see everyone. Who's there? Yeah. Is anyone rocking up?

Oh, God. I wish I hadn't seen my own funeral. Anyone? No? Oh, busy. It must have been an issue with the obituary. I don't know. It's today.

No, we just know you're not dead. We see you standing in the corner. This is the fifth time you've done this. Yeah. Just wanted to see if I could fill out an arena. Why did you book Rod Lever again? It's very expensive. I know.

If everyone could pitch in. There's no one here. It's what I would have wanted. So the god thing actually may have started out as a bit of a weird joke. He used to perform as the god Jupiter or Venus. You know, he loves to his little pantomimes, dressing up and then getting senators to bow before him. Enjoyed that.

Sure. He decided to build a bridge to connect his palace to a nearby temple. Build a bridge. He sat between two giant statues of Castor and Pollux, so when anyone bowed and prayed to them, they were also praying to him. Hey, I'm here too, so Sucked dead

praying to me You god One day he was standing in front of the statue of Jupiter Who's King of the Gods And he asked his friend A famous actor named Apelle's Who he thought was more powerful Me, the Emperor

Or the King of the Gods Jupiter Appellis was unsure how to answer Not wanting to say the wrong thing Because if you say the God Then you're offending the Emperor But if you say the Emperor Then you're bagging out the top God Yeah

For his hesitation Colligula had his friend severely beaten. Oh my God. It's for hesitating. Sometimes I just like to think about things. Is it? Hey, Collegular? Tell me what you want me to say.

I'll say whatever you like. I don't give a shit. I'm an actor. I say what other people want me to say. Feed me a line. Line. Yeah, that's a weird one. Because I would have said probably Caligula

because he exists. I reckon either way that guy was going to get a beaten. Right. Oh, he was a friend. You better believe that's a pedlin. And they believed, they believed in these gods at this stage. Like so much.

Right. They fully believed in the, yeah, in the old school god stuff. And remember, keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. Yeah, that's right. Keep your enemies as a god. So Jupiter, there's something, yeah, Jupiter, a god of gods. So he's, so that's the Roman gods. So what's the Greek version of that is Zeus, is it?

Zeus and Jupiter equivalents. There you go. I like Zeus better. It's fun of to say. There's also a story of him wanting to change the statue of Zeus's face at Mount Olympus to his face. Okay. That was something that he tried to do, but I don't think they let him do it. Interesting.

Who's letting? Well, it's weird. Is there anyone letting him do anything now? Feels like he'd just go just do it. He just does it. Well, people didn't want him to declare himself a god, but he didn't anyway, and he had his own temple built for him. as a god with a gold statue of him inside. The statue was dressed every day with an outfit that matched what he was wearing that day.

Oh, yes! I know. Okay, I'm back on board now. That's wild, isn't it? That's amazing. He's coordinating outfits with a gold statue of himself. And am I being naive here? I just thought they wore white togas every day with brown sandals.

Am I thinking of the wrong period? Was this a real fashion Easter era? Yeah. I think that as the What today? Colligula Well this guy does like to dress up as stuff So he could have been in the evening He's a naughty nurse one day

And then a naughty maid Another day It's always naughty with you Colicula It's Halloween every day of the year With you Collegula That's I'm back on board

I love him Oh okay You love him That's awesome The temple had its own priests And each day sacrifices Were also made to him Okay, now I'm back off again.

He then tried to get a giant statue of himself installed in a sacred spot in Jerusalem. Back off. Which would have severely upset the local Jewish population. Back off. The local governor there saw the trouble that that could cause and he stalled the idea. On again. Hoping that he would give up. But the frozen yogurt is also cursed.

That's good. Can I go now? The final straw. that's such a good bit. If there's anything people don't understand, As humans the Simpsons reference? Yeah. Sorry.

And just enjoy 10 great seasons. The final straw came for Caligula, and Matt did also talk about this on Agrippina the Younger episode, when he announced he was moving his imperial court from Rome to Alexandria in Egypt. He would effectively be moving the capital of the Roman Empire because there was a rule that stated no senator could step foot in Egypt if he went there, he could do whatever he wanted

because the senators couldn't do shit. Oh, okay. But this would negatively affect everyone in Rome, including the senators, the powerful Praetorian Guard, who a lot of them would be out of work because they don't work there either, and also the people themselves,

because if you move the capital, all the money goes with it as well. So no one like this. So he just wants to take the money and be able to do whatever wants with it. Even though he's already doing whatever the fuck he wants. But he had gone too far finally, and now too many people wanted him dead. Eventually, officers within the Praetorian Guard, led by Cassius Correa,

succeeded in murdering their emperor. They did it. It was with the sex pillow, wasn't it? They smothered him with a sex pillow. They got him. This actually probably would have been extra sweet for Korea, because Caligula, Korea is the head of the Pretorian Guard. Caligula considered him effeminate because of his weak voice and not being firm with his text collection

and Caligula would mock Korea with names like Priapus and Venus. The god of love. Girl names. Yes, he would mock him for his voice. How do you get to the top of the Praetorian Guard if you're weak? I don't think you would have been that weak to be. You're absolutely right. I just think you like to make fun of everyone.

And it would have been so sweet. Caligula was attacked when walking through an underground corridor called the Cryptoporticus. Oh, I like that. That is a word. Cryptoporticus. Beneath the imperial palaces. Basically, it's a little bridge underneath where you can travel between places that the peasants can't get to, so you can walk around Rome real quick. But Correa stabbed Caligula first, followed by a number of conspirators in a murder similar to his great-great-grandfather, Julius Caesar.

Oh! Apparently he was stabbed 30 times. That seems about right. They just left him in a pool of his own blood. The assassins then sought out and killed Caligula's wife, Sezonia, and also killed their young daughter to make sure that no one would one day avenge his death. He had a wife? Yes, yeah, he did have a wife.

I didn't mention that earlier. He married a lady. He was having sex with people all over the place. And it may or may not have been his daughter. He married an eight-month pregnant woman. And then a month later, she obviously gave birth. And people were like, was that even your daughter? But he was so wild.

It could have been anyone. He was having sex all over the shop. You probably had multiple children. But they took out. He didn't like dingers. What? But they killed. It's not on.

It's not on. Yeah. You got to wrap it before you fap it. That's true. Even fapping. Yeah. Wow. Gotta be safe.

Easy to clean up. Yeah. The Senate... Dave, you talk about shit all the time, but that grossed you out? Yes. Okay. Oh, we know he's trigger. Fappen.

I don't have one. Fappen and Rappen. So Calicula was finally dead. The Senate attempted to use Caligula's death as an opportunity to restore the Republic. Wrap it before you tap it. Probably makes more sense. Sorry, do it on. Fap it until you snap it.

No. Oh, hang on. No, don't do that. Am I doing that wrong? Yes. Oh, should I snap it? before I found. It should not snap.

It should not snap. Does it snap like a glow stick? Oh, absolutely. That's a horrible popping sound. Oh, no. And then it glows? Yeah. Oh, it glows.

This weird blood red color. Anyway. Like blood? Oh, hang on. So the Senate, anyway, I'm trying to wrap up. I've got two sentences to go. The Senate attempted to use Caligula's death as an opportunity to restore the Republic, which is the way it was before they had an emperor.

It used to be a lot more. I guess, like a modern political system, even though it was very corrupt and things, people would vote for stuff. They didn't have a Supreme leader that they basically worshipped as a god. And they were hoping with him, God, gone, God gone, that they could come back in and then they'd be in charge again and then there'd be no more emperors. But sadly, the Praetorian Guard, because they protect the emperor, they went against the Senate and quickly and discreetly had Claudius declared as the successor

of Caligula. Claudius was Caligula's uncle. And pretty much the only surviving member of that family. So he was the fourth emperor. I mean, the emperor just got stabbed 30 times. Do you really want that job now? I know. Once you stab one emperor, you can stab them all.

Then you're like, oh, we can stab the emperor. Yeah, really, it does set a precedent that really shouldn't be said. All up, Caligula only ruled for 1,400 days, just under four years. And he died nearly 2,000 years ago, but thanks to a lot of bizarre behavior, We still know his name today. What was his name again? Little Boots. Colgate.

And that is my report on Caligula. Thank you. Dave, you didn't even ask for that applause. We gave it willingly. Thank you. That's so lovely. Appreciate that. Now ask for it and see how different it sounds.

And that is my report on Caligula. Clap for me. It's like I've done my little dance to the senators. Now clap. Okay. All right. Yay. That's great, Dave.

I followed all of that, I think. Did you follow it? Yeah, so I tried to make it not too complicated. Yeah, he did well there. And then also, I didn't want to go over too much ground that we had with Agrippina the Younger. But isn't it cool that 2,000 years later, there's members of the same family, a brother and sister. And we can do a whole episode on each of them. And probably each of their brothers and sisters had just as fascinating lives.

Yeah. I don't think anyone's going to be talking about me in 2,000 years. No, no one's talking about you. now. But that's true. But also, he was a terrible guy, so do you want to be talked about that? No. Because, yeah, he sucked.

He was awful. He did some horrible, horrible things. He was absolutely terrible. And he ruled for a short amount of time. He was dead before, like, younger than you. Was he? Was he 28, did you say? Yeah.

Or about that age. Yeah. See? I've outlived him already. Just a kid. Sucked in, dickhead. Got it. That's right.

I don't know he was 28 years old. 28 club. Good on him. Good on all of us. Wait, no. Bad on him. Bad on him. Bad on him.

Yeah, that was such a fascinating story. You had me at he dressed his statue. I loved that. You're on board. I kind of want a statue of me. And then I can put outfits on it and be like, yeah, that looks sick. Or put it on and go, oh. That's terrible.

What was I think? Like I didn't put that on Real Me. You know? It's like in clueless. I was thinking that too with the, yeah. Yeah. But that's sort of the modern version. But that was like so ahead of its own.

Like that didn't exist then. That was the 90s. It doesn't exist now. Yeah, it was like it was, I guess it was meant to be a joke thing of the future. But like she was just, they were wealthy and she had that sort of, oh, I'm clueless. More like clued in to technology. Am I right?

Matt, you're so right. Thank you. Dave, well done. Great report. Thank you so much. Dave, would you mind if I just jump in here? At the end of the show, Jess. Let me handle this.

Dave, is it okay if I just jump in here at the end of the show? Please, just jump right in. And just get into one of everyone's favorite segments. One of everyone's favorite segments. I don't just everyone's favorite segment. No. Let's just say it. I stand by what I said. All right. Okay. It's called fact, quote, or question.

It's a segment where Patreon, the supporters of the show, if you go to patreon.com slash do go on pod, you can support this show and you get different kind of rewards and such things to show our gratitude or really whatever. I'm not sure. Including two bonus episodes every month that no one else hears. Yes. That's one of my favorite rewards. I've got to tell you. That's a great reward. And also other such things as shoutouts. and this one, a fact, a quote or a question. I mean, also just getting to choose the topics,

which this week's topic was voted on by the Patreon. Yeah, thank you so much. Two out of three of the episodes, basically every... Three weeks, two of them. We'll be voted for. Two out of three episodes every few and say month? Yeah. I'll stand by that.

I'm happy to be wrong. Anyway, one of the rewards is a fact quote or question, and that's where people on a certain level, I think it's the Sydney, Sean, Berg, Rest in Peace level. of Patreon Get to give us a fact, a quote, or a question. And this week, the fact, quote or question, comes from a man named Jeremy Swade.

Ooh. That's a nice name. I like that. He asks a question. Love a question. Did he give himself a title? Yes. I'll get to that.

Oh, exciting. Question is, ever since Pearl Jam released that song, Jeremy, often when I meet people for the first, time. I'll get asked. So, did you speak in class today? Or with my last name? Do you have any blue shoes? Is there something out there that people always associate with you? And it just gets on your nerves every time. And his title is, the official Jeremy, who did not speak in class today. Well, let's just all take the time to do our best Eddie Vedder impression.

I never knew. I've sung along that song a lot, and I did not know. That's what he said. Jeremy's spoken. I think he's about a school shooting. Is that what he says? I think it's about a school shooting.

I knew that Jeremy's spoken, but I didn't know, in class today, is that what he says? There you go. If I met Jeremy Swade, I would have said, oh, Jeremy, is it? Well, did you? Burn today. And I imagine that would be equally annoying.

We all have quite vanilla names. Yeah, that's the problem. I got a bit of Jesse's girl. Oh, yeah. And in Mumbo number five, a little bit of Jessica, here I am. But that was self-inflicted. I was like, here I am. You know, I loved it at the disco.

Yeah. Oh, I love it. I'd wait for that. I'd look so fucking smug until it got to my name because he goes through so many names. And then you'd get to Jessica and I'd just be looking around my group like, oh, who's that? Shut up, Monica. It's my name.

time to shine. Yeah, who's that? I know none of you call me Jessica, but it is technically more name. I love when people say to me, is your name David? Well, they don't think I've shortened it. I think I was born a Dave. Ah.

Happy for that. Yeah, right. But I don't, yeah, I don't often, Warnocky also doesn't have many. No. There's a lot of Dave's. A lot of comedy Dave's. Yeah, people assume I'm a comedian because of my name.

Dave, her funny fella. Got to be a comedian this one. King Dave. What are you? King Dave. David over here, hey? Sculpted by Michelangelo over here. Oh, you're slaying Goliath over here, all right, all right.

Take down the big ones. Yuck. Sorry. I just hated everything you said. Sorry about that. Sorry, sorry. I sounded offensive, but I hated everything. I just had a moment where you repulsed me.

And I can't, I'm sorry about that. Well, I try not to vomit every time I look at you. Thank you. Thank you for trying. Matt, did you get anything? No, I mean, Matt's got to be of my job. generation, this would be the most common name. I think about five or more years, either side of me being born, it was the most common

name for boys in Australia. You're telling me that you never get, Matthew Spoken. No. You never get that. There's a great custard song called a new Matthew, but that didn't get on my nerves. I liked it. That's like Mumbo number five. Yeah.

Yeah, nothing really on my nerves. Matthew and Son, Cat Stevens song. Matthew and Son, the work's never done. People have never, I don't think anyone's ever said. to me up at 8 can't be late for Matthew and son he won't wait no one's ever said that to me but I really hope

someone else knows What about Stuart? Nothing from Stuart? Stuart? I don't know Stu, this isn't got spew stuff but nothing, Rod Stewart or

who's the most famous Stuart Triple Brownlow medalist Ian Stewart once for the Saints twice for the Tigers was he twice for the Saints once for the Tigers? I'm going to say Rod Stewart's

probably more famous than that. Than Ian Stewart. What about Payne Stewart, the golfer? No, these aren't people. He's the one who used to wear his socks real high, like that classic golf style. Bored. He died in a plane crash. Stuart Codlin from the police?

Oh yeah. Stewie C. What did you Google? He was the first Stuart I could think of, but I was like, surely there's more famous, but he's the number one Stewart that comes up in. The number one Stuart in your spelling. I also occasionally, because there's a Matthew. She Stewart who's a horse racing journalist in Melbourne.

People will mention that on occasion. People normally say, useless tipper. But I think in his defence, he's going for the, he's not going for the obvious ones. Yeah. In defence of Matt Stewart.

He prefers Matthew. Oh, sorry. I don't know why he puts on his byline Matt, but. I don't know if that was a helpful answer. Sorry, Jeremy. Jeremy, I'm sorry, but we have. have spoken. We have very boring names.

In class today. One more time. Swade is a sick name, by the way. Yeah, it's so good. That is great. That is amazing that your name, Jeremy, means that people still reference a song from, that's pushing 30 years ago now, right?

Yeah. It would have been 91 or 92, Jeremy, I'm pretty sure. Imagine if your name was Roxanne. Oh, yeah, that's hard. Yeah, people would be telling you to put on your red light. Or not having, you don't have to. You don't have to. You can.

But you don't have to. Sad. Great drumming from Stuart Copeland, am I right? Great drumming. Great basing from Sting. And great guitar from the other guy. His name, I'd definitely... The Edge.

Yes, thank you. God, he's so versatile. He's versatile. Can't play guitar in two bands? The other thing, the other thing that we always do at the end of the episode. Thank you to Jeremy. But we also like to thank some other people

who have contributed to our Patreon and we do that by reading out their names and giving them some kind of title. But I don't know, how do I tie it back to today's time? What about? We had little boots, their little somethings. Oh, that's adorable! Okay, well, allow me to kick her off

with a shout out to a man from Cheshire. Cheshire. In Great Britain. Aaron Walker That feels so appropriate Little Little sneakers Little sneakers

Always so snookers Just sneaking Yeah I like that Little sneakers Or as he would call them Little trainers Little trainers

That's the British version of sneakers We call them runners I know What a word I love I love ones where Australia America and England Have a different

And Rome Calliculars So It's so cute There aren't many of those though I think most will normally say a word the same as either at England or America. Yeah, we'll take one of the other, you're right.

But like, yeah, that one of them, I wonder if maybe they say one of them say run as well. But there's like we say bucks parties, English say stag parties, and America say bachelor parties. Oh. I wonder if there are many others like that where we all have something different. It's crazy. Tweet in with you want. Yeah. I'd actually like to hear it.

Yeah, that'd be really cool. Yeah, like, or we call them thongs, whereas Americans call them flip-flops. Do the British call them? They don't wear them. It's cold. I think they would call them flip-flops as well. Right. But I want to keep Aaron Walker to little sneakers because it's sneaky and cute.

Oh. All right. Trainers, not as cute unless you think you have tiny little mice training for the Olympics. Now I'm back on board. Like Stuart Little. The other Stuart that came up with a good one. The other big two, played by Michael J. Fox. You never got Stuart Little.

My favourite MJ. No, I never got Stuart Little because I'm a big, big boy. Thank you so much, Aaron Walker, for your support. Your little sneakers, your little bloody trainers. Your little runners. A little sneaky. Take your pick. I'd also love to thank from Fort Worth, Texas, which is near Dallas, which is connected to Pantera.

They have a song in the last album that references Fort Worth a lot. And from Fort Worth, I'd love to thank Daniel Hong. What about Little Dallas? Little Dallas. Because Fort Worth is a, a, it's more on the outside of Dallas. Yeah, that's true. Little Dallas. Little Dallas.

I love that. Little Del. Are you happy with my pronunciation there of his name? Daniel? Nailed it. Hong. Hoang? Hoang?

Hoang? No, it's not going to be Hoang. Huang. it'll be sorry Daniel or like Hong say it's 60 different ways

and then you can edit out the one that's right Huang Huang huong ha hang six different

to be honest it has become a thing whereas for some people it's an honour where we mispronounce it yeah

some people tweet in and say yeah you're butch in the face if you've pronounced it right oh I was hoping you're going to fuck it up

Fort Worth so you've got little Dallas can I Oh, yeah, Little Dallas. Little Dallas. Can I thank some people as well? Yes, please.

Thank you. I'd just like to underline my thanks for Aaron and Daniel. Now you can move on. Oh, thank you. Well, I'd like to think another Daniel. This Daniel from Carmichael, California. Oh, California. Daniel McMeans.

Oh, Danny McMaines. Danny McMains. Unless you hate Danny, sorry. No, he calls himself Danny McMeans online. Oh, good. Okay. Danny McMeans, it is. He probably gets Danny Boy a bit.

Oh, Danny boy. Little Sandy. A little sandy. You were seeing the Ose theme song. A little sandy, those eyebrows. Little Sandy. Who wouldn't want to be a little sandy? Yeah.

Whoof. Oh, he's a little sandy. Someone's burning on the beach. He's a little sandy. Okay. Cool. The surfing lawyer. Danny McMeans.

You know when you go to the beach and then for like three days after that, it's just sand everywhere? Oh, everywhere. You shower three days later, you're like, there's more sand in my ass crack. Oh, it's poached. There's sand in my underwear. Me too, homer.

Let's go home. He runs back, puts more in. Swivels it around. That's a funny bit. So thank you, Danny McMaines. Little Sandy. And I'd also like to thank from Fort Lauderdale. A couple of forts.

Yeah, I love a good fort. And so do I. Jason A ramseran Ramsaan Ramsaan away And I ram A ram

A little flock of seagull A ramsa ran away What's a little flock of seagulls That's good day I ram Saran away Oh man I'm so sorry We were just talking about Jeremy Smok

And like Jason Either this is the first or the millionth time You've got Aram Seran away Can it just Can he just be the little seagull? Yes. A little seagull.

Love that. Loves chippies. Who doesn't? Chippies! Can I get chippies on the way home? Is that one that in Australia we call hot chips? We call them hot chips. Yeah.

In America they call them fries, though they? Yeah. And then what do they call them in England? There'd be chips as well. Chips because packet crisps are crisp. We just call everything chips. Chips. Let's keep it simple.

If it's a potato, if it's a chip. If it's a chip. of a potato, it's a chip. Chip-a-later. What do Americans call crisps chips, cold chips? Potato chips. They call them potato chips.

And what do they call hot chips? Fries. Potato fries. What a weird place. Can't get mad around it. Dave, would you like to thank some people? All right, I'd love to thank some people. And this one is a real challenge,

both in the terms of the name and the place. So thank you so much for this. I would like to thank Flam. Do you just say Flom? Well, that's not a strong stuff. Coming up from Flugerville, and that is P.F. Lugerville in Texas. Flugaville, I would like to thank John Paul Mabachu.

Mb, A-C-H-U. Little Pope. Oh, little John Paul. Little Pope is a good name, actually. Little Pope. Little Pope. From Flugaville, Texas, John Paul Mabachu, aka Little Pope. We've just sent a little bit of smoke out of.

our little pipe. I've elected you the little pope. Don't worry. My little pipe is pumping white smoke. You chuff? I'm chuffin' white smoke. Thank you so much John Paul. Okay. Little pope.

Little pope. And finally, I would like to thank from London in London. You'd read it that way. It's funny. London, London. I would like to thank Alexander Jan Mohamed.

Alexander Jean-Mohmad Jan Muhammad Jan Muhammad She's another great batch of names It's a striking name though isn't it Matt Alexander I'm going to say little You're going to say the first thing that comes

Okay right Do you want me to fully blank out? Three yeah One little Schroats Little Schroats That's what I said Shroats

You said shrots Halfway between shorts and Schwartz Shorts Shorts Shorts Yeah what does that mean Does anyone know? Shorts.

Dave's Googling. I'm going to Google Shorts. Shorts. It's going to say, did you mean shorts? And I'll say, absolutely not. Showing results for shorts, no. No. Shrots. Striped knit Bermuda, Schroats.

People have just misspelled the word shorts. Schroats. Little Shorts. Hey. Well, I love a brandy thing. Yeah. I thought I said shorts. You kind of.

Well, there was an answer. There's a rogue RR in there. Shorts. Right. Shorts. Rorts and shorts. Short rorts. Shrots.

Thank you so much. The big short and the little shorts. That's the sequel to the film The Big Short. We're all holding out for it. It's a good film day. It was. It's interesting. Very interesting.

It's something that my mum would call something she does not like. Oh, that's interesting. No, it was a. Clever. That's what one would say. Clever. That's clever. What?

Great production values, she'd say, about something that I've been involved in. You look like you were having fun. It finished. My dad came to my first fringe festival show doing stand-up, and he said it was actually quite good. Oh, that's nice. Actually quite good. No, sorry.

Actually not quite good. No, he said that was better than I'd expected. So quite as nice. I mean, both of them were back-handers. Unless he was aiming really. high. Yeah. I thought it was going to be excellent and you were perfection.

Yeah. Weird way to say that. I don't think that was it, to be honest, in that 20-seater bedroom of a weird hotel. But art. Art. How about it? It's what we do.

We are artists. We suffered for arts. Now you can too. Tism one. Well, thanks to everyone. Thanks to everyone that supports our art through Patreon. And just by downloading the show in the first place.

If you want to help us out, if you can't support the Patreon, that's fine. But maybe you want to tell someone about the show. Spread the word, download it on a co-worker's phone, make your mum, listen to it, and she'll go,

oh, yeah, subscribe. That's better than I expect it. Give us a review, link to us on Spotify, on Acast, anything like that. Honestly, every little bit helps.

It gets the show out there. So if you want to help the show, keep growing, so we can keep doing it every week forever. Share it. Every week, I did not sign up to that. If you care for it, share for it.

Thank you. Yeah. And remember, keep fappin, do you hear a snapping. No, don't do that. All right. And once it's snapping, wrap it with a bandage. And go to hospital. Yeah.

If you've snapped your penis. Stem the bleeding. When I was in high school, there was a little splint. There was a show that we would sometimes watch at my friend Tom's house, his dad had fox tail and it was called When Sex Goes Wrong

It was a late night time on the comedy channel And I can tell you that there are many stories out there Of people breaking it Yeah Let me just say that Yeah yeah You can break it But I would say don't

Don't If you do you have to buy it And it is awful Yeah Anyway a bit of wisdom for you there We are deep, deep artists As I keep telling you And you can get in contact at any time

via Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, at do go on pod. We've got an email, do go on pod at gmail.com. And this is a good time to remind people that the way you suggest a topic is via putting it into Jack the Hat McViddy, which is this little link to that in the description of this episode or on our website. Suggest the topic is the little tab you click. Pretty much every topic we do comes out of that hat. That's right.

And you don't have to be a Patreon supporter to do that. Anyone can suggest a topic. And we'll shout out to you if we choose your topic. But yeah, sometimes we get tweets and emails and stuff suggesting that. the topic. Basically, we go, hey, awesome. Put it in the hat. Because, yeah, otherwise I'd just go missing and we'll forget to thank you or

forget, it'll just get lost. You won't get a shout out. So if you want to do that, anyone can do that at any time. Link below. But apart from that, we're putting up some more live episodes on the YouTube, the do-go-on YouTube. Yes, if you want to see some videos of our live shows in the UK, you can check them out on YouTube.com slash do-go-on pod.

In the last week, we've put up, yeah, a couple, including the big last one in London, but I'll be putting them up sporadically over the coming weeks and months and then hopefully catching up and being up to date again. So many exciting things happening in foot. We're going to try and organise some more live shows coming to you. Yes. Me?

Yeah. Live show on my house. Yeah, that'd be great fun. We'll sell four tickets. That's luf, that is capacity. Okay, three tickets. It is a small house. All right, team, thank you so much for listening to the episode.

And until next week, I will say thank you and I will say goodbye. Later. Bye! This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want, it's up to you. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there.

Wherever we go, we always hear six months later, oh, you should come to Manchester. We're just in Manchester. But this way you'll never, will never miss out. And don't forget to sign up, go to our Instagram, click our link tree. Very, very easy.

It means we know to come to you and you'll also know that we're coming to you. Yeah, we'll come to you. You come to us. Very good. And we give you a spam-free guarantee.