Do Go On - 205 - Oneida Community: From Sex Cult to Dinnerware

Episode Date: September 25, 2019

Which 19th Century sex cult evolved into a dinnerware company? The Oneida Community! Set up by John Humphrey Noyes in the mid 1800s, hear about the Oneida Community (aka Perfectionists aka Bible Communists) and Noyes' bizarre theories about sex and the afterlife. Tickets are selling fast for our upcoming live shows in IRELAND AND THE UK, grab tickets here: https://dogoonpod.com/events/Second LONDON show is on sale on Monday September 30 at 11am London time. Check out Matt's YouTube panel show Footy Footy Foot! http://youtu.be/fnRZobFTWpA Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: patreon.com/DoGoOnPodSubmit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/Submit-a-TopicTwitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Buy tickets to see Matt and Jess live:https://mattstewartcomedy.com/gigshttps://www.jessperkins.com.au/showsOur awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasREFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://timeline.com/it-was-sex-all-the-time-at-this-1800s-commune-with-anyone-you-wanted-and-none-of-the-guilt-c7ea4734e9cahttps://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oneida_Communityhttps://www.nytimes.com/1999/06/20/business/why-the-keepers-of-oneida-don-t-care-to-share-the-table.html?pagewanted=allhttps://www.britannica.com/topic/Oneida-Communityhttp://www.nyhistory.com/central/oneida.htmhttps://gawker.com/inside-the-19th-century-free-love-commune-powered-by-el-1774756002https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Humphrey_Noyeshttps://www.britannica.com/biography/John-Humphrey-Noyeshttps://biography.yourdictionary.com/john-humphrey-noyeshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18MrYQrpAeI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amarna, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there.

Canada, we are visiting you in September this year. If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal, and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates.

Hey, it's just Matt here dropping in quickly to tell you that our UK tour is now on sale. The London show has sold out. And the Bristol show, I think, is pretty much sold out or is just about to be sold out. But there are tickets left to some of the other shows, which are in Leeds. They're also in Birmingham. Glasgow and they're going to be a great time. But here's some exciting news. Dave has been able to make an extra London show happen.

It's going to be at the same venue as the other, only on a little bit earlier, I suppose. We can't do them at the same time. And tickets to that are going to go on sale this Monday, September the 30th at 11am, London time. So, yeah, if you want to get tickets to those, obviously get ready to jump on and get on board. at 11 a.m. London time on Monday, September 30th. Anyhow, this show is live in Sydney that we've just recorded last week, and it's so much fun. And we'll be back after the show to chat with Alan Andy from Toon the Think Tank and to do some patron reads. I've already done it, and it was a whole heap of fun.

Anyway, all of that to look forward to. On with the show. Good evening. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, those that are wooing. are correct. Can I get a woo? One, two, three? Woo! Correct. Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the live interactive 3D Do Go On Experience. Tonight they'll be talking, walking, and possibly a little bit of porking. All right.

Jess is going to hate that I said that. Ladies and gentlemen, could you please welcome the stage all the way from Melbourne, Australia. It's Do Go On. Matt, Jess and me. Yay!

Hello, how you doing, Sydney? First of all, I just thought it would be funny if I pointed to one person who gave him a lot of thumbs up and you were really confused. He's recognised me, I don't know him. I do not know him. Guys, thank you so much for coming out. Can you please give it up for my esteemed colleagues, Jess and Matt? Hi, guys.

Thank you. Hello. Thank you so much. Hello. Thank you so much. Thank you. Hello. Maritz is here?

Marritte. Thank you. Thank you. That doesn't mean anything to you. But it means something to you. It's Maritz's mom, everybody. Thank you. Thank you so much to bring your son.

Thank you. Appreciate that. Appreciate you. It's going to be a long show of you insist on shaking everyone's hands. You're all going to get a go. You get a go. Have a go, you get a go, they say. Go sharky.

Yeah, all right. Trying a bit of local here early. Yeah, sorry. Do you guys not have scomo up here? He's yours. He's one of yours. He's not looking out. You can have him.

Oh, you've really. really killed the mood with scomo time. Sorry about that. Don't worry, I'll talk about Bill Shorten. Oh yeah. That'll get them back. I know. He's not even in charge anymore. In charge of nothing. What about hawkie? Yeah, alright.

A couple of hawkheads in? The rest of the show is literally listing male politicians. Jess, have a go. Have a go. Put her on the spot here. Peter Costello. Don't help me.

Dave help me. Peter Sell. Yeah. He's one of the best. It'd be great. I'd vote for him. I'm going to sit down now. All right, we'll sit down on the count of three.

One, two, three. That's weird. Thank you. Thank you. So much. Yeah, you all went a little bit early and sat down about 10 minutes ago, but that's okay. That was rude. That's all right.

It's Saturday night. I'm feeling a little bit loose. How are you guys going? The chairs, swivel. I know. That's dangerous. Yeah, that is dangerous. It's going to be really, it's probably actually going to be quite annoying to look at for an hour.

Because there's no way we're sitting still. I'm going around the world. Dave, explain what this show is. Well, thank you so much for joining us. Let's just see. On the... I don't have to do a candle. Just give me a round of applause.

You've ever heard the show before. Thank you. Thank you. Other end of the scale. Don't be shy now. We always ask this. And I enjoy finding out who's here. Give me a round of applause

if you've never heard the show before. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm leaving now. I'm not going to lose this record. That's good That was an excited cheer Yeah and there was enthusiasm for trying something new

Yeah I like that So you're being pointed to as someone who has another show Yeah you're being pointed to by your piece of shit friend You are You are hating it hardcore And you're in the front row People up the back would pay good money for that seat Well not that good of money

Because there's one there that no one is I will be auctioning it to the highest bidder Who are the friend who's on here Your friend? Went for ramen. I'd probably choose ramen. Ramen sounds right. Oh, that was the sound of 200 people feeling regret.

Wait. Was ramen an option? What? You can get ramen? Yeah. Well, I get it, but we're all here now and we've locked the doors. It did sound like... Well, for those who haven't heard the show before, for example, you.

I will keep referring to you throughout the show. Basically, what this show is, one of us takes it in turns each week. to report on a topic often suggested by a listener. The other two people don't know what it's going to be. And tonight it is our beautiful friend, Matt Stewart's return. Stop it. We love this guy. Thank you so much for calling me beautiful.

I've been hanging out for years. Yeah, right. Doing everything right, physically. Yeah. But now that you've heard it, are you done with the pot? Yeah, I don't even know what do I bother with this for anymore? Yeah. So thank you.

for having me over the journey. I got what I wanted. Validash. I don't even have the guts to commit to it a little bit to walk off, but... Too hard with the mics. That's why we need headset, Madonna mics. Then I can dramatically storm off anytime.

The literal dream. It is a longish report potentially, so we should maybe get stuck in the way. So to get onto topic, we always ask a question, which I believe Matt will ask Jess and I, and then when we can't get it, we'll probably throw it to you guys.

You don't know that we can't. Okay. I don't think you'll get this time. You don't know. You don't know me. Let's find out. Yeah. I reckon you've got absolutely no chance.

Let's see. Love a challenge. The question tonight is, which 19th century sex cult evolved? Uh, I got it. I've got this. I've got this. Seriously.

I could stop you right there. Well, you have. I want to hear, what have you got so far? Yeah, what do you got? Smart man. Fuck, I've gone to Germany. I'm so sorry. Sorry.

Bavarian beaver fuckers? First thing that came to my head, first thing. And that is a thing? That is a thing. Yes, that is correct. I knew. I know that's the thing. No, it is not. It's not the Bavarian Bifa fuckers.

No. Full question for Jess, Dave, you've buzzed out already. Which 19th century sex cult evolved into a dinnerware company? I mean, I've been to several dinner parties where people have been wearing beaver hats. Several. Can you think of a dinnerware company? Yeah. Peter Jackson.

Do you get that ad here? That's suits. That's suits. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that the dinner's eye go to you wear a suit I wear a suit. That's a bad sign he's had half a beer I mean

that's a generous it's generous to say I've had half a beer Oh man No I don't know the answer of this Okay well it is the audience no Oh does anyone in the audience say? Oh No

Oh you were saying no Great You took it took everyone's All right Okay, the answer is the Oneida community aka the perfectionists aka the Bible Communists

When I die and I wear the Bible Communists Ringing any bells? No. Absolutely none. I was suggested by three people into the hat including from New York Jeff Mullen

from Virginia Will Cardolo and also from Virginia Maximilian Duke. Oh, that's a good name. That's a good porn name, actually. And I'm guessing

none of them are in here tonight. I hope not, because you literally laughed at his name. Yeah, you wouldn't know it. I'm talking after that. Anyway, let us begin the story. Please. In 1811, John Humphrey Noise was born in Vermont.

He's the guy who goes on to start the sex cult. Oh. A little sizzle. I wasn't sizzle there. Okay. I wasn't sizzle. That was just an outright. Spoiler. Spoiler. A little spoiler there. Yeah. So, noise, he was born in Vermont. Dave's favourite... Oh, the best US state, am I right? Vermont. Home of the Creamy. Home of the Creamy. Home of other things. Big fan of Vermont.

His parents were wealthy. His father worked at various times as a businessman, a teacher, a minister and a congressman. So he had a pretty varied career. and that's all I'm going to talk about him. In 1830, Noyes graduated from Dartmouth College and went on to study law. But after only a year, he lost interest in the law after discovering the work of evangelist Charles Binney, leading him to drop out of law to become a Christian minister instead,

first enrolling at the Andover Theological Seminary before transferring to Yale University. Yeah, that's pretty. That's a thing I've heard of. Yeah. So that's a good start. Yeah. The new religious trend back then,

so we're talking like, you know, the early to mid-1800s. The new religious trend of that time that had caught his attention... What's the current religious trend? Yeah, what's trending in religion? Matt's our religious reporter on our cool breakfast show.

Hey, Matt, what's trending in religion this week? That's a tough one. I'm a bit out of the loop there, I'm afraid. You are... bad at your job on this breakfast show. Oh man, I wasn't expecting that question. You wasn't expecting a question about religion. On his religious segment.

That's funny. That is. Classic Massachusetts Stewart. I might have to confiscate your beer, mate. It's a bit much for the little fella. For those listening at home, he's just going to be on the neck of his stubby. I'm very proud of you. Good job. Let Maddie talk for a bit. Yeah, but what you don't know is that that's not beer, that's gin.

I love that joke when people are drinking water. They're like, that's not water, that's vodka. Well, that's not beer. Anyway. One more and I'm taking it away. All right? You are not my dad. The revelations have begun early.

He has. Oh, revelations, religious man. All right. Bring him in. Oh man. The new religious trend that had caught his attention, noise's attention, was called millinarianism. Everyone, you would all be familiar with this one.

According to an article on timeline.com by Megan Day, which I'll refer to a little bit, the milleric, the millenniarism movement was dynamic and extravagant. And their revivals were extravagant. static affairs. A preacher's voice would tremble with emotion, waxing and waning rhythmically as onlookers wept,

convulsed or collapsed. Congregants, oh dear, it's a long way to go. Probably shouldn't have started drinking the salvo, but... At this stage, Jess, is going to have to take over both our roles. Congregants were overcome by what one preacher called waves of liquid

love. Though people weren't literally having sex during the sermons, revivals did blur religious and sexual experience lines and sancteliness with sin. Just quoting an article. Noise, bloody loved it. He was so, he's like, oh, fuck the law.

Let's get into this sexy religion. By all accounts, he was a real horny young fella. Are you quoting an article again? Most articles I read said something like, the man was a hornbag. Something to that effect. Yeah. Yeah.

But he was studying to be a minister, and he had to stay celibate, and he struggled with that. This is from his diary at the time. I cannot, and remember, it's like old-timey language, but anyway, I think you get what he's saying. I cannot send abroad my thoughts in any direction without crossing the track of some polluted image. Going on to say,

a thousand needless suggestions of impurity occurred daily to blast my endeavours after holiness. I can't stop thinking about boobs. Yeah, boobs. I think it's boobs, yeah. Translation, I need a root. I need a root. Luckily for him.

Guys, what can I say? I speak old time. Speak old Tommy. I think root is root. I think root isn't even a, like in America, root means support. Isn't that beautiful? I love culture.

I love culture. Isn't that beautiful? You go over there and say, I'm rooting for your team. That means a very, different thing. Over there it means you're supporting your tea.

I've done, no, I've got to make a phone call. I've done a real bad thing at Madison Square Garden. Luckily for him, he found a train of Christian thought called perfectionism. According today, the doctrine of perfectionism maintained that no outward act was sinful

if one's heart and love for Christ were pure. Oh, I love that loophole. That's a sick loophole. I love that. You loved it too. It's not a sin. I was thinking really nice shit, so... I was rooting for Jesus.

And yeah, I mean that in the American sense. For the Bible Belt listeners tonight. This idea enabled noise to believe that once converted, you would be permanently free of sin. After declaring this publicly, he was booted out of the seminary at Yale. Apparently the head honchos there were pretty firm on the idea of sin being a real thing. I wouldn't budge. After his expulsion, he was asked if he'd keep preaching,

and he replied, I've taken away their license to sin, and they keep on sinning. So although they've taken away my license to preach, I shall keep on preaching. He's a sassy bitch. That's why I relate to him. Do you also have a license to preach?

Oh, yeah. I got a license to beach. No, I loved it. Close to a thing there. Another one of noise's controversial beliefs was that the second coming of Jesus had already occurred. He had a very different definition.

He believed that it had happened not long after the first coming of Jesus within one generation. He really backed it up there. Wow, that's hard to do. Somehow, this belief. that the second coming had already occurred led him to believe that it was time to start ushering in heaven on earth or something like that I couldn't fully follow his logical at a time but something like that right

he seemingly loved to take logical leaps like that for instance he made the assumption that the angels in heaven were having sex I don't know what he based that on but he believed that and so if they were having sex then that was heavenly behavior and it was unlikely that they would be having monogamous relationships in heaven. They're angels. And if that was the case, surely humans on earth should also be boning whoever as well. That's the heavenly thing to do. This is all making sense so far. He started publishing a journal called The Perfectionist,

helping him staying contact with other horny Christians as he wrote advocating. non-monogamy. He was getting letters like, I'm really fucking, where are you going with this? So I can be Christian and I like it. He wrote, all experience testifies that sexual love

is not naturally restricted to pairs. You can fuck bananas, apples. Speak for yourself. Praise be to Jesus, I guess. Suggesting that marriage not only leads sorry, he suggested that marriage only leads to adultery.

But as Day writes in her article, Noyes got married anyway. To a woman named Harriet Holton, and in 1838, the pair and a handful of converts set about building an intentional community, whatever the fuck that means, in Putney, Vermont. Creamy country. Yeah.

Oh, I finally figured out where they got the name Creamy from. God, I'd love to try one. I think you just need to stop talking. Everything's sounding creepy now. I pronounce creamy. Noyes' crew called themselves the Bible Communists, and they worked with his controversial ideas about sex, basically meaning that everyone was able to burn everyone else.

Noise encouraged what they called a complex marriage system, meaning that there was... So is that like in brackets or... I'll edit that pause out in post. So you'll sound like a weirdo. You got him. Fair enough. Noise encouraged what they called a complex marriage system,

meaning that there was an open and equal sexual union between all men and women. Or as Britannica describes it, every woman was the wife of every man, and every man was the husband of every woman. woman. When Britannica gets involved, you know it's legit. Britannica goes on to say that Noyes believed that the extended family system devised by him could dissolve selfishness and demonstrate the practicality of perfectionism on earth.

Okay. Ellen Whalen Smith is a college professor and descendant of the Noyes family. I think her Noyes' sisters are her great, great, great, great, grandmother. Well, the way it all worked, who knows which was which, but... Anyway, Ellen Wayland... Has anyone else can't get ever to fact that her name sounds so much like Wayland? Yes. Yes! It's so similar.

Sorry. Freeland, yeah. Ellen Whalen Smith, so colleague's professor, she recently researched the commune and wrote a book about it called Oneida, or whatever that word is pronounced, which is also the title of this episode, from Free Landis. love to the well-set table. So that's about the journey of sex to dinners. According to her, Noyes believed that the more you had sex

and the more evenly the sexual energy was spread throughout the whole body, the less sick you would be. Okay. You know how we've all got sexual energy that we're spreading around the body when we're boning people? Sure.

Yeah, that stops you getting sick. You get sick at what? I don't know. I'm not drawing any conclusion. giving you the raw data. Let the listener note that he pointed at Jess, not me. Thank you, Dave. Thank you. I've never been sick. Whalen Smith goes on to say

that he believed death would disappear once he had attained perfect equilibrium of divine energy through all bodies in the community. Or according to Judy Burnham, writing for gawker.com, sex was literally electric to noise. It fueled a sort of heavenly battery. with the power to support eternal life. Okay, what about food?

You don't eat it anymore? No, I reckon you probably do. Especially if all you're doing is boning. Can you get hungry? You don't. I haven't eaten a meal in five years. We always sort of didn't eat much because his esophagus was so small.

But it's because his libido is so big. Yuck. Waylon Smith also suggests that Wailin's wild sex theories were born out of his own sexual frustration saying his first idea about spiritual wives came when the woman he was in love with married someone else. It's like, that's a convenient twist in your theology. He's like, I should be able to have sex with your wife. That's pretty much what it sounds like he did, yeah.

And the communal thing came on the heels of that When he realized he was never going to possess her exclusively So he would possess her in tandem with other men You don't turn your regret face away from them Well, I'm not regretting I mean I'm just reporting the facts So, oh, I'm really doing this with my back to you guys Let me swive to you for a bit

Is this okay? Yeah, totally I can read along with you, it's fun Initially, the pipe, sorry. I think we should all, if we all sweep, no, it's all swive this way for a little bit. Yeah, we'll rotate. I got a bus. You're the driver. Dave's the cool kid on the back of the first time in his fucking life.

I reckon he would be with all that boning. It's true. He's just reporting the facts. Initially the Bible communist group was small but they grew quickly and in 1847 they needed to relocate to a larger property part of it was the need to relocate was because of the local Vermont community as well

they were not on board with Noises idea about free loving and second cummins so they moved from Vermont to I did write it phonetically at the top one second Oh neither Can you remember that? Oh neither The font is so large.

It's so big. I can read it from here. Whalen Smith also suggested that noise wild, sex theories were born out of his own sexual trust. It was all the capital's, Oh, Nida. That's very cute, you're doing so well.

Keep going. So they moved from Vermont to Oneida in New York State, which is where they get their Oneida community name from. According today, at first, the Oneida Comptus. compound was rudimentary. The Bible communists lived in old Native American dwellings on the

property until they erected their first buildings in 1848. They proceeded to alter traditional social arrangements and relationships, challenging norm after norm until a unique culture had been established. Newborn children, for example, lived with their mothers until the age of one and a half and were then relocated to the communal children's house. This arrangement, this This is a feminist idea, you guys. Matt, tell them. Go on, say it. So I'm the feminist here, so...

So lean in ladies and listen to what I've got to say. This arrangement was a challenge to what Oneidon saw as the tendency of adults to favour their own biological offspring. Yeah. Almost like they take responsibility for their own children. Yeah, I don't give a shit about other people's kids. Just your own? Yeah.

We're going to talk, all right. Children, they argued, were not private property, but individual comedy... Says community, man. Community, community. Do you have a pronunciation for that written at the top? Just scroll right to the top for that one. Community. But individual community members, brothers and sisters in Christ.

Life in the children's house was by all accounts pleasant. That's nice. Are we going over here now? How we doing? Let's do it. I realize I'm doing a lot of reading, not a lot of looking up. So you're all feeling, you know, wanted and needed? Because if you don't, join my commune.

The community's population grew to a max of 300 members, and while noise was its leader, it also had a very bureaucratic system, with 27 standing committees and 48 administrative sections, according to writer Frank McCoveck. According to Waylon Smith, there was a pecking order at Oneida in terms of who was more spiritual or who was more of a leader. But they were absolutely materially equal. Everybody wore the same clothes, everyone ate the same food, nobody owned anything. Members of the commune all had to pitch in with the running of the place from financial management down to unskilled labour, depending on their ability.

According to Berman, tasks at Oneida were never split along gender lines. Work days for all residents were light and diverse, ranging from farm labour to white-collar work like medicine and journalism. Medicine. That's why I was pointing at me. Dr Perkins. As the community grew, they also employed outsiders by 1870, employing around 200 extra workers, making them one of the largest employers in the area. New couples to the commune were allowed to remain primary partners, but these marriages had to become open.

This often led to jealousy from one of the partners, and when this occurred, noise would personally mediate the disputes. For instance, if the male was a jealous partner, according today, he would say to him, I do not wish you to forget her, nor to love her less, but cannot you love her without claiming her? He referred to such possessiveness as sticky love. Yeah, got to be one of the grossest terms I've ever heard.

and he would put members in time out when their sticky love threatened group harmony. And when there's a people, not their junk, right? Yeah. Okay, great. They suggest that there were positives and negatives from the system saying, on the plus side, women were more liberated at Oneida than almost anywhere else in America at that time. They were partners in community decision making, and the community child-rearing arrangement relieved them of their non-stop domestic burdens,

so many had time to pursue personal creative endeavours. Apparently at the time, the women in the broader American society would just have an average of seven kids and their life would just be having a kid, waiting, having another kid, back to back to back. So that's the average, so a lot of families were way bigger, and that was their whole life until basically they were old and then they died.

Great. So in some ways, this was a better place to live for women. The commune suddenly sounds so good. It really does. noise had the men of the group practice the thing called sexual continents which basically meant the... He's doing it right now. Did he say what?

He said fuck. Are you not used to laughter at your stand-up gig? Is that what you think laughter sounds like? Yes. Yeah, that's what it's like. Sexual continents. Sexual continents, which basically meant that while they were encouraged to have, lots of sex, they weren't allowed to come.

I wasn't sure what word to call. What's your favourite word for come? My favourite word is sexual incontinence. Okay. Oh, that's good. That's clever. I think my favourite is probably splooge. Number two would be Sprogg.

Sprog. But, because I know this is an international podcast, I went with come, because that breaks down, that breaks down barriers. Come breaks down barriers. Is spruce? Sprog feels Australian.

If you touch it, don't you reckon? Do not touch it. So they practice sexual condiments, allowed to have a lot of sex, but no coming. No, no, no. This was in part to reduce the amount of pregnancies in the commune, meaning that both partners could burn it up without consequences. Waylon Smith writes that her great, great, great, great uncle

compared not coming to rowing a boat in a stream above a waterfall. saying he argued that, he argued, I'm so keen to hear this argument. He argued that through experience and training, the skillful boatman could learn the wisdom of confining his excursions to the region of easy rowing. Unless he has an object in view

that is worth the cost of going over the falls. The falls in this case, being coming. He sounds like a real real, version. I've got to tell you. Apparently he was like he was a pretty geeky guy but like a lot of cult leaders just super charismatic apparently. There's some people, there's not a lot of records from the time. This was a long time ago but someone who was around when she was very young spoke about him in like the 1940s or something on record saying it's hard to explain but when he spoke he just wanted to do what he said. He was just so charismatic. But then he

you see photos of him and he looks he looks a bit like Dave so Karen's money what can I say I have often thought about becoming a cult leader I really hurt between between 1848 and 1868 hundreds of men practice male continents at Oneida and only 12 unplanned births resulted meaning that it had a pretty high success rate as a form of birth control the continents thing that's mostly because most of them are thinking about rowing whilst having sex and it is not sexy at all. Rowing's not sexy.

You haven't seen me do it. Procreating wasn't banned. You'd be interested to find. But it wasn't up to the individuals to choose who they would have kids with. The community practiced something called stirp culture, which meant mating partners were matched together based on whose supposed moral strengths and flaws complemented each other,

supposedly ensuring perfect moral children were produced. The hoties, the hot ones. Morally hot. Sure. Yeah. Spiritually sexy. It's the idea that like you're an alcoholic, you don't drink at all, your children will be half an alcoholic.

There's more moral than that, but yeah, more like, I don't have morals. But, you know, if you could think of a moral thing, then that and, yeah, etc. The use of stirrup culture came about when noise was shocked to find that despite all the boning and spreading of sexual energy, people on the commune were still dying.

No, he thought it was going to make them... Super healthy and immune to death. Never sick. It did not happen that way. Old people kept dying and he's like, what the fuck is going on here? We're doing all the burning stuff. We're doing all the rules that I made up.

I don't understand. What else are you going to do? According to Wayland Smith, Sturp culture was part two of his immortality plan. He was like, okay, it's not working the way we are. So we're going to breed people to be immortal. So that's what the Sturp culture was. So moral, so full of the right energies that they'll never die.

Day writes that in the area of procreation, the community had the final say. Matches were decided upon by committee. The mating pun is this is, right? employing a process called mutual criticism in which the group would exhaustively discuss an individual's faults and virtues while he or she was compelled to passively listen. That is hell.

Talk about me behind my back, please. You're wrong, Jess. This is heaven on earth. Yeah. Here are the 50 faults that is wrong with you. Now go and fuck that guy. That is awful. I saw watch one YouTube video that compared it to

George Costanza's dad's airing of grievances at Festivus, which is fun for those who get it. The criticism sessions weren't restricted to matching mating partners, though. Britannica describes these sessions as the central feature of the community, saying that they were attended by the entire community at first, and later, as the community grew, were conducted before committees presided over by noise. For those subjected to criticism, it was a nerve-wracking order. deal yet the sessions probably had some therapeutic value as a means of

releasing feelings of guilt and aggression the criticism sessions were also a shaming technique that enforced social control and were a highly successful device for promoting community cohesion so what you're saying is bring them back into high schools yeah yeah anyway back to noises bonkers sex theories and the reasoning behind sexual continents according to writer Mandaer Mendelika. Noise believed ejaculating drained men's vitality and led to disease.

So you know how I said they couldn't nut while boning? You did say that, yes. I will never forget it. And I forget most of this podcast as soon as we turn off the microphones. But this will be burned into my brain forever. So he says

ejaculating is bad, full stop. Yes. Don't do it during sex. but also just don't do it ever. Okay. No private sessions. What do you mean? You've never gone solo.

Never had to. Don't hide your regret face from that side of the room. There we go. Yeah, you all saw that shame in his face. Going, I hate myself. Like so much. Yeah. as a result of the practice of sexual

continence though it also led to increase sexual satisfaction by the women of Oneida I guess because they couldn't ejaculate they couldn't prematurely ejaculate you know so hang on oh this is a phrase you probably haven't come across before you can't put it together on this

a late night premature ejaculation ad from that which is hey guys have you ever thought about not ejaculating at all problems on Oh yeah, you want me to go on? But while there were some positives, Day also warns that there were plenty of messed up stuff as well. It's funny that writing it to this point,

I didn't think of any of the other stuff was messed up, but... Now we're going to get... Sorry to bring down the tone from here. For instance, she writes that noise encouraged spiritually and unenlightened to take sexual lessons from their spiritual elders who were almost always their actual elders.

as a result cross-generational sex was common at Oneida. This half hated that. What's wrong with old people? I think it was more the young people part. Oh, is it super young?

Oh, you were right. You were right. I just thought you hated old people. That's okay. That's fair enough. Yeah, old people can bone other old people, sure. Leave the kids alone.

That's my hot take. Glad we got that on film. All right, Pink Floyd. On this, Waylon Smith said... There's a delay there, that was good. They got your Pink Floyd joke. Oh, hang on, just got it myself.

On this, Whalen Smith said, the thing that bothers me is that the people who initially signed onto this thing were consenting adults. Then what happened, once the new generation came up, they were born into it. They didn't know anything else.

So it was like, yeah, that is. but did. Noyes was a believer in capitalism. This is a new topic. And according today... But wasn't his whole thing communism? Yeah, I know that's... Yeah, yeah.

So they call themselves communists. The spirit of capitalism... This is a quote from day. They called themselves communists. The spirit of capitalism had been alive and well, though, at Oneida, since the beginning. Noyes himself declared

that money-making is the soul of the world. Okay. Classic Christian stuff. Like it or not, and that in order to subdue the world to Christ, we must carry religion into money-making. Okay. They made money from a range of things over the years.

Early on it was logging and farming. But when a new member arrived with a design for a new steel hunting trap, the community started the manufacturing and sale of Oneida traps, which, according to Britannica, were considered the best in the land. What a weird place for you to pour. surely they'll have a joke about this

I just thought you would have been super impressed and I was yeah a sex cult made the best hunting traps in the land yeah I'm super impressed do go on so and this sort of kicked off a real golden age for their manufacturing

over the years they also manufactured and sold other things including hats canned fruit and leather bags. But in 1877, they would start working on a product that would be associated with their name for many years to come. Silverware. This came at a time when the community was starting. Do you understand now what he meant by dinnerware?

Look, uh... Are you still thinking, Peter Jackson? I'm going to come clean here. I don't understand how we got that so wrong. Yeah. I'm going to come clean here. I really thought you were talking about something that you would wear to a fancy fancy dinner.

It was only that exact moment where I realized I was wrong. And only that exact moment when I realized that you were wrong. Dinner wear. Dinner wear. Was anyone else with me? What is wrong with you? I'm a charismatic cult leader.

You're right, where the problem. So they started making this silverware In 1877, at this same time, the community was starting to fall apart. You know, stuff you can put on to go to dinner. Yeah, silverware, same thing. It's just silver that you're aware. Peter Jackson. I mean, I just thought you'd lost your mind.

When you said Peter Jackson, I'm like, you thought, oh, what's a jingle? Yeah. Now, I knew where he went, and I wanted to just hold on. Well done. Thank you. Well done. Yep. Yeah, I'm feeling really dumb right about now.

Yeah, your ego. How does it feel to be even quicker than me and Dave? Normal. Yeah. That's very good. Hang on a second. Generally speaking, it sounds like the children of the stirrup cultural unions, and I think they even called them stirrup cults. The kids, weird, but anyway.

So the stirrup cult kids grew up to be less into the whole cult lifestyle than their parents. Classic rebelling. Yeah. You know when your parents are in a sex cult? And you're like, not for me, mum and dad. No, thank you. Yeah, it's a tale as old as time. This resulted in diminished authority for the spiritual elders

and had flown effects that threatened the fabric of the community. Noyes tried to pass on his leadership to one of his sons, Theodore Noyes. But this led... It's a little bit funny. Noise is just so good as a surname. Noise. Bring the noise. Fuck yeah.

I'd say, that at the end of every email. Bring the noise, regards, Jess, noise. So we tried to pass on the leadership to Theodore, but this led to further unrest as other members also wrestled for the leadership.

Ultimately, passing on the leadership to Theodore was unsuccessful, partly because he didn't believe in Jesus. Hard to lead a Christian cult when you're not really on board Christianity. That doesn't make it challenging, yeah. As the original members were getting old and dying, the remaining members debated about how things should be in the community.

A lot of the rebellious younger members weren't into the sex cult lifestyle and went keen to get into traditional marriages instead. Around this time, the commune started getting some bad press. Throughout the preceding decades, the community's contact with the outside world was generally positive, but now a negative campaign against the community was being run by Professor John Mears from Hamilton College. And Mears organized a protest against the Oneidians

that was attended by 47 clergy men. Oh, that's an annoying number. Could two of them have stayed home? 45 would have been okay? 45's okay. We have 49, a beautiful number, 7-7s. You said 47? That's what I'm saying, two more.

Oh, I see what you mean. Grow up, Jess, honestly. Sorry. Keep up or get out of the car. Doot-toot. That classic phrase. Get out of the car. I've got keep out or get out of the car.

T-shirt's being made. I think that's going to catch on. Yeah, great. A man named Myron Kinsey tipped noise off that he would soon be arrested on moral charges relating to the commune's polyamory.

So in the middle of the night, noise ran away to avoid arrest. Yeah. Ending up in Ontario, Canada. Like a cool, tough guy would. Not tough, but certainly a guy who doesn't really believe in, he doesn't have faith that things are going to be okay because he's doing the right thing, right?

Oh. I don't know. Am I being a bit cynical there? No. From there, he wrote home to his followers, suggesting that they bail on the whole complex marriage idea, which they did. Though it does sound like the younger members were already sort of bailing on it anyway.

This was in 1879, and by 1880, more than 70 members had entered traditional marriages. So they were keen to do it old school. What position is that? Old school? I don't know. What's more bland than missionary? Not doing it at all.

Thought you'd have the answer. I can't wait to go backstage and for you to apologise because of you sleep for that. I'm so sorry you're a virgin, Jess. I don't even have to do it back there now. I'm pretty sure you started that earlier. I'd have to get to the tape. I don't think I did.

Not all the members were happy with the change, though. On the final day of complex marriage, where you were still allowed to bone anyone, one of the more popular members of the community, Terza Miller, who Wayland Smith describes as the most sexually sought-after woman in the community, said goodbye to the old system by boning three different men.

Yeah. Literally went out with a bang. Day writes... No, sorry, went out with... Thanks. She got a haircut too. Day rights, by 1880 the community had established a commission to decide if the experiment would continue. We now have no government worthy of the name reflected one older community member.

The council is a failure. The young people just do as they like. That could be, that feels like an old person in every generation, yeah. Yeah, they're no longer having sex all the time. What a fun flippooroo. Come on kids, it's bone, everybody. Let's go out and practice on safe sex. No, thank you.

But do not come. Do you do not dare come in my house. Bone as much as you like. But you dare not come. Or splooge. I know how you kids talk. Noise never returned to the United States to face any charges, but he remained influential over many of the other members by a letter.

One example of this is when a younger member wrote to him asking for advice as two different members had asked her to marry them. He wrote her back suggesting that she married neither. Instead, suggesting she married Myron Kinsley, the man who tipped him off about the impending charges. A man who was decades older than her, she took the advice and married old man Kinsley. So he had this weird power, even via pen palmanship.

Noise also went about trying to set up a similar commune in Canada, even attempting to enlist some royal help in his quest. This is from Whalen Smith again. He literally thought, okay, I've been booted out of New York. I'm going to start trying to do the same thing in Canada. And I'm going to try to enlist the Queen of England to join my campaign to start God's heaven on earth. It was so delusional, this is his blood relative talking.

It was so delusional, but he writes about it in a very calmly and matter-of-fact way in diary. So anyways, I'm contacting the queen. I reckon she'll be on board with his bone lifestyle. And she was. Right? She didn't reply. Seven years after flaying the commune in 1886, Noyes died in his mid-70s. Also, obviously, not curing his word that means you can't die. Can die. What's that? Mortality. Thank you. Something you so, so crave. Lose, let me die.

Been walking this earth for centuries. After his... To them, I'm old because I'm six and a half years older, so they... He holds on to that half. It's seven years ago. That's probably six and three quarters. Well, because you don't know. Everyone else knows.

Remember? Yeah. Did you forget that? No. That's you projecting, mate. After his death, after his death, one of his Sturp cult children,

who he called Pirapont, or Pierre Pont, maybe? Pierre Pont. Pierre Pont. I really prefer Pirapont. So Pirapont noise moved the group even further towards industry. The commune had been dissolved,

but some true believers stuck together and lived in the Oneida Mansion House. They started a new factory at Niagara Gorge under the name Oneida Company Limited making dinnerware. A pretty big... So, suits. What do ladies wear to dinner?

Lady suits? Good point. Ladies can wear suits too, Jess, please. Yes, but they must be lady suits. I cannot stress it. What are you talking? Shoulder pads? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, so it's a fair departure. They've gone from a commune to a... Anida Company Limited. Day writes, Pirapont and the other Pierre Pond and the other Dirup cults were energetic and determined. Their aging parents were depressed though. His mother Harriet wrote in her journal,

The New Year has begun and we now bid a due to communism and we enter Anida Company Limited with all its terrors. I have no pleasure in the contemplated change. She was shattered. Yeah. It's like hippies. It's kind of like, yeah, hippies.

And then their kids being yuppies or something. Both of those are such old terms from before my time, but hopefully that helps you guys understand what I'm talking about. Thank you. Crystal clear. As the company grew, they made sure they looked after all the workers, making sure they all had a living wage. So some of the communal stuff still lived on. And at the end of the year, they split the profits in half,

one being kept by the company, the other half being split equally amongst all the workers. So it's a pretty sweet setup for a business back then for the workers. According to Berman, Pirupont B Noyes transformed the more modest manufacturing operation that had once sustained the community into a prosperous high-end silverware empire that marketed its products to precisely the sorts of bourgeois households its founders would have disdained. So just in one generation, yeah. The company continued to thrive into the 20th century,

but knowing that their sex cult origins might hurt their classy, silverware image. Was this fork made by a sex cultist? I feel real naughty eating these hors d'oeuvres. Day writes, in 1947, the descendants of Oneida gathered every diary, every letter, and every document they could get their hands on that told the story of their family's sexual blascientishness and experimentalism and burned them.

Oh. Obviously, some writing survival, though, or I guess I wouldn't have been able to tell you all this bloody story tonight. The company is still thriving today and does mention John Humphrey Noise and their origins in the Oneida community, though it doesn't mention any of the sex stuff on the website. Huh. Are they allowed to come now? Yes. Thank God. Good question.

Good question. Thank you so much. So they dissolved it in 1880. So for a long time that commune has been done. That pretty much brings me to the end of the report. If anyone is interested in where the company is now. Is anyone... He left a long pause there and none of you took the opportunity.

I feel hot up here, so I can only imagine to be warm out there, and that's the only reason they've lost interest. Yeah, because they are certainly under the same hot lights that we are. So this is from their Wikipedia page. It says, Anida, this is currently, Anida is one of the world's largest designers and sellers of stainless steel and silver-plated cutlery and tableware for the consumer and food service industries.

So when do they stop with the suits? We're all wondering. It is also the largest supplier of dinnerware to the food service industry in North America, so they're huge. The company operates in the United States, Canada, Latin America, Europe and Asia, marketing and distributing tabletop products which include

flatware, dinnerware, crystal stemware, glassware, kitchen tools, gadgets, and dildos. That last one was a fake out, but I needed to finish on a laugh. So thank you so much. Oh, great work, mate. We've all learned a lot tonight, mostly for me, what dinnerware means. I could have taken a backstage briefing, to be honest.

Feeling a little foolish. But a great report. Jess, how are you feeling? I'm good, thanks. Oh, dizzy now. Yeah, you would be... First of all, I want to say thank you so much for coming out on this beautiful Saturday night to join us here at the Giant Dwarf Theatre.

We appreciate you. stuff, we're out of applause. Yes, thank you. Yeah, I guess we should finish the episode for our friends who are listening at home before we can tell the people in the room how it really is. All right, so we'll do a fake ending now. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much to the Giant Dwarf Theatre for having a start. Let's have a big round of applause for them.

And thank you so much for coming out tonight for joining us here in Sydney. It's been an absolute hurt being back here. But until next week, we'll say thank you for joining us and goodbye. Later's, cheers. Geez, they are clapping like that's a fake ending. People at home are going to be like, they hated it. That's one of their worst shows ever. Well, that was a, what a great show that was.

We haven't already recorded this section and realized that we didn't record it. We didn't, we collectively all failed to equally record this. I mean, we're both here. I've got my phone. I could have been recording it on my phone sitting here. Here I am expecting you, Matt, to be the one recording. I pushed the record button. I thought what more could you need to do

than push record to make something record? There's always that bit where you're going to look to see if it starts. I did that. I did that about 20 minutes later. So, you know, be more specific. But in that gap, there was some riffing that we're going to try and awkwardly recreate because it was so good the first time around.

It was so good. Well, we went through, I mean, we talked to, yeah, some of my favorite parts, which we don't have time to go through them all, but I asked you what your words for jiz were. and becimal sauce, bechamel. Bechamel sauce. Bechamel sauce.

Lashings of bechamel sauce. That was real good. Alistair, what was your... I quite like Gack. Gack? Yeah, Gack. Yeah, I'm sticking with splooge. Yeah, sure.

As are we all. It was a pretty frantic time. We're all pretty stuck with splooge right now. Especially if it gets in contact with water and it kind of coagulates. Yeah, what is that? Yeah. You would have thought that splooge would be water salt. And yet it seems to react against water.

Yeah, what evolutionary thing is that? Maybe it's just hot water. Oh, shower water. Shower water. But here's the crazy thing is that if it goes into somebody's body, it doesn't coagulate, which makes you think maybe you've got to just add some salt or something to the water and then it won't do that or whatever. You think people are filled with salty water?

Yeah. It's like a saline solution. Is that? I mean, you're both closer to science than I am. I think quite genuinely you are correct. in that because we evolved from, I'm sorry, but because we evolved from sea creatures, the reproductive system of humans is basically a saline environment

because it is sort of, we have taken the sort of spawn into open salt water model from back when we were fishes, and we've sort of pulled that inside our bodies and taken a little ocean with us. Look at that. We got the primordial soup in there. That's right.

In the primordial soup can. And then you just come in the can. The can of soup. Like you would do any... Like you would do in nature. That's what I call... That's what I call Spunk. I call it the primordial soup can.

Spunk, I haven't heard in a while. Yeah. That's classic. Love a bit of Spunk. You got Spunk. You got Moxie. Mm-hmm. What about Moxie?

Yeah, I don't mind Moxie. That's actually quite nice. It sounds a little bit sexy, Moxie. Yeah, Moxie. She just showed a little bit of moxie there. By that I mean, come. Showed a bit of cum. Just held up his hand.

So this brings us to everyone's favorite section of the show for the second time recently. This time for the benefit of the recording, it is the fact, quote or question section, which is where one of our Patreon supporters, who's gone to Patreon.com slash 2Gone pod, gets to give us a fact, a quote or a question. They also get to give themselves a title. This is for the supporters who are on the Sydney show. Beardberg deluxe rest in peace level. And this week, it is Mr. Justin McCain.

Oh. And he's given himself the title of Prisoner LZ 427, incarcerated for impersonation of royalty and practicing medicine without a license, serving 25 to life. I reckon that's a reference to something. No, maybe it's not. Um, I don't know. Impersonation of royalty and serving a prison sentence.

and medicine. I mean, there's a lot of elements in there. It sounds like a sort of a man in the iron mask, but the mask is a surgical mask. Man in the iron surgical mask. That's what we'll call the film a maiden. Man in the surgical mask treating someone with an iron deficiency. Yeah. Right. That makes sense. So, yeah, you can call yourself anything. You don't have to give yourself like some sort of a jail sentence. That's the first time someone's titled themselves with also a 25 to life. Maybe that's a reference to your episode about the Unabomber, which I listened to recently, very fun episode, where in his, his, his, you mentioned that in his high school yearbook or his high school reunion or something, he quoted his, his, his, his honors as being a prison sentence.

Yeah, that's right. His life sentence. Maybe he's doing a very deep cut, well, quite a shallow scrape reference to a recent episode. It could be. Man, that was a good episode, Matt. You, you crushed it. Oh, thanks, mate. Yeah, that one.

Brought it. Yeah. I really, I went deep on the Unibor. We went to a follow-up episode about that. Maybe as a Patreon bonus episode about the, what's it called the testing they did, the CIA testing? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, because he was a part of that. Yeah. Which I didn't have time to go into.

Some of the psychological experiments are the CIA. Wormwood, that TV show? That's like M something. I'm blanking on at the moment. M-Sigma or something like that. M-Night Shama. Yeah. I know it because it was also the name of a, like a mission.

I can't think of the band's name, but like muse. It was a muse song title as well. MK. Ultra. Yes, that's it. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Mind control. Conspiracy theories. That's the reason that the media is so anti-Trump.

Right. Yeah, I think, I think. Anyway, so. I could be wrong. So Justin McCain's question to us is, and you're hearing this for the first time, Say you had to break out of a maximum security prison. What movie would you emulate to break out? Harvey Crumpet?

The stop animation. Stop motion animation. What I do is I break out so slowly and in small increments that they don't realize I'm moving until they play it all back on the CCTV at a much higher rate. That would be fun. I reckon how to go viral, break out like that. You know, and they see me escape.

and they shout, stop, but I've been stopped the whole time. Except for when in between where I was moving a little bit, but not much. Just a little bit at a time. So much so that you're basically hiding in plain sight there. I love, it's one of my favourite concepts hiding in plain sight. Sure, probably one of my two places, favourite places to hide. Really? Where's the other one?

Concealment probably, yeah. They're the big two. Yeah. Or behind a hedge. Yeah. So I'm thinking, I mean, so classic breakout film, I don't know Harvey Crumpet

That's good lateral thinking Well he didn't He didn't specify That he had to be a jail break That is true Well maybe I okay Well I was thinking something like

The Shawshank Redemption Right But in that he did have to swim through Like an Olympic swimming pool of shit So I That bit I don't know Why would I choose that So I'm gonna

I'm gonna take the breaking out element From Shawshank Redemption but then I'm going to add in a new element Jim Carrey's yes man where I just have a real positive attitude about it someone puts an offer to me I say yes and then for whatever reason yes attracts yes and I have a real positive life

I think that's beautiful thank you I mean I'm the one that I would pick is sounds like the real prison there was the life that you'd made for yourself with your negative attitude and you broke out of that even though you were still technically incarcerated with all those quite horrible neo-Nazis But the real freedom was in the mind. What's the deal with all the neo-Nazis being inside?

Wait, don't know. It does seem to be like... Yeah, you're right. I think it might be an MK. Ultra thing. Right. They all seem to be in there. Do you think that they're an overrepresented minority of white people? Well, in, yeah, but look, I don't want to...

I haven't seen the stats, but it does feel in movies, there's always a lot of Nazis. You don't see a lot of Nazis on the outside. Yeah. Not proud buff ones with tattoos showing us. They're probably wearing shirts. when they're outside. Yeah. That's the only difference.

It's because of those skimpy outfits that they wear in prison. They all get some... They all somehow just decide to slut it up a bit. I did something I have... Yeah, I haven't really put that like going into words before,

but you're right. They do skimp it up inside. Skimp it up one time. Anyway, I don't know why. What film would you go with there, Al? Well, I think mine is kind of, it's pretty... It's probably the one that most people would pick,

but I think Anaconda. Oh, yeah. So I think... I would sort of be in my prison cell and then I would, I guess, be asked to sort of be swallowed whole by an an anaconda. Yes. I would ask an anaconda. Yeah.

And then they would go, oh, this guy's gone. There's just an anaconda in here. Obviously, they're going to let the anaconda out. It's committed no crime. Yeah. That's right. It would be illegal. Yeah, you can't hold me.

Exactly. To keep the anaconda in there. And I guess as they're sort of releasing it into the while, that's when I make my... to skate through the butthole so it's

quite similar to the Shawshank Redemption finish yeah I guess it's just it's a similar pipe but I

got a moving pipe you know he had to travel into the pipe yeah whereas the the pipe travels me

ah that's beautiful do it what is a snake but a moving pipe mm a living pipe I

I don't did I introduce who you guys are in this second take I don't think so we're out Alistair Trombly, Bertranda and Andy Matthews from Two in the ThinkTam.

Oh, you can do it for me. Sorry. Well done. No, hey. Thanks so much for inviting us in to do this little farewell. Thank you so much. Well, for those who want to follow on from this, you'll be recording an episode of Two in the Think Tank straight up. We're just about to take these hot mics and this warm comedy energy of this room.

And we're going to squeeze out another podcast into it. We're going to do our 201st episode because we just did our 200th episode, which went for 17 hours, which has been recorded and includes Jess Perkins. on it. And it's really the perfect jumping in point for the podcast, I think, you know? It's one of those make or break type situations.

Probably, and Nick Mason was on it as well. He's been on here at Bistur. Mr. Sunday movies. James Clement there. You know, people from Sans Pants Radio, all the bigs. Yeah.

And you can watch it all from a... Also on a live stream. Yeah, live stream on the stupid old channel. I saw Mesao during the week. He was on Primates and he told me he's watching it every day an hour at a time.

That's crazy. It's a really healthy way to do it. Yeah. Don't strain yourself. But most episodes of two in the thing tank are just one hour. And 198 is a good starting point if you just want a little taster. Yeah, we come up with five sketch ideas. Maybe we can work that in as a bit of a warm up before you record your next show with the next part of our Patreon shoutout segment where I think six of our Patreon supporters.

And normally Jess would give us a game that's relating to the topic. Maybe you could write a short, give him some sort of a sketch. Not a full, not a well thought out of view. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Not like they normally are on the podcast. We want maybe like a title and a very brief synopsis. Not like you do on the think tank, but they're quite good and funny. These can be silly.

So we're going to do like six of them. So what normally takes us an hour to do five, we'll do six instead of the next couple minutes. We can work. You're just working off quickly and nicely off their location or their name. Great. Okay. So firstly, I'd love to thank from North Wollongongong in New South Wales, Australia, Maddie Selvey.

Yeah. Well, Wollongong, okay, makes me think of woolen gongs. And that makes me, I think, of course, the most important person on the, on the sheep shearing team, it's the man with a big gong who hits the gong whenever they've finished shearing a sheep, right? And sometimes it's going so fast. They're shearing so fast. He's gonging so hard, you know?

Gonging and shearing and shiren and gonging. It's the hardest job of them all. Yeah. And the second hardest job is listening to the gong constantly. Yeah. Which everybody else has to do. Yeah. So you think Maddie could play this role of the gong, the sheep gonger?

He's absolutely the gong. Gong. I reckon might be a she even. Maddie? I don't know. Yeah, sure. Do you think that they're gonging the sheep? Or do you think they're gonging the sheerer?

Or do you think it's a shared gong? I think everybody gets to bask in the gong. Yeah. They'd be so confused when watching old episodes of Redfell. Faces. Not really, because they'd hear the gong, and that's a positive. You've achieved something. Correct.

Red faces, if red gongs you, it's quite the opposite. Was his name Red, anything to do with it being red faces, or was that just a coincidence? I think it must have. I think there used to be a show called Green Faces and like new talent, and this was a play on that, which was hosted by Red Simons. I guess. I wasn't there for the beginning. No.

I mean, I don't know if anyone was. I wish somebody knew. I wish someone new. Anyway, what a great sketch idea. It's probably an episode. I mean, maybe sketch is giving it too, putting too much pressure on it. Just an idea.

A concept. A concept. Okay, great. Maddie Selvey, the sheep gonger. Thanks so much, Maddie for your support. Really do appreciate it. I'd love to thank from Luton or Louton in Essex, Michael Daly.

Oh, daily, like a podcast that comes out daily. Wow. That is a full-on podcast idea. Oh, well, there's a podcast that does that. It's called The Daily. Whoa. It's from the New York Times. Really?

Yeah. Well, I mean, if you've got a big organization behind you, maybe. Yeah. But I feel like, imagine. Sometimes you could have an organization that's so big behind you that it'd be daunting and it'd actually slow you down. Right. This would probably be a cool thing for like, for daily stuff.

Because I heard his name is My Cool Daily. My Cool Daily. And this will be a thing. This will be an outfit that you buy that is all screens, all flexible computer screens, all over your body. Right. And then you just substrubes. describe to like a fashion website and your body like your fashion changes like on an on a

on a second basis depending on what's cool so really you're just constantly shifting outfits to stay exactly on zeitgeist that's that is sick that's a great idea that can't be that far away now now now now now that's that's mine you're giving that hope so you're giving that out to people yeah they can have that that's so you're welcome good good Google. It's like you don't even care about your financial well-being. That's a beautiful gesture. Could have sold that for a lot of money. You could have sold that for a heap of money.

And you need the money. I do. I reckon, hey, well, I think legally if we say Andy gets 10% of all profits, then I think that has to happen. Can that be 10% off the back end? Yeah, off the back end. It wants two points. Two points on the back end. I don't know.

Do you want anything off the front end? No, I'm not interested. Wow. You couldn't give me the front end. No, well, that's, they're going to, they're not going to try. You sort of asked for a reverse mullet there. Yeah. Two points off the back, nothing off the front.

All the sides. All the sides. It's an interesting cut. It's not going to look good. But that's, I mean, your new technology will be able to fix that up minute by minute. No, second by second. By second? Every two seconds or twice a second?

It's bicecondly. It's twice every two seconds. Right. That's what bi-secondly means. That's fascinating. Thank you so much, Michael Daly. I'd also love to thank from UT

What could that be? Utah? Oh Utah. Give me two. That could be what that is. From Utah. Love to thank Alan, spelled with a Y, Harker.

Alan Harker. You know it's a mixture of both my parents' names. Alan Lynn? Yeah, Alan and Lynn. Wow. Do you think it could be both your parents somehow? Yeah, in Utah. They're on their honeymoon right now.

They just got married. That's cool. to your podcast exclusively and they subscribe. I hope it's a real great sexy honeymoon. Oh, they're having a lot of intercourse. And in between intercourse, during intercourse, they like to send message me via via other podcasts that there's very slim chance I'll be appearing on through the format of a day.

Yeah, I think you're right. I think it's from a place called Pleasant Grove in Utah. Alan, do you reckon A-L-L-Y-N as a man or a woman? name. It's a beautiful name. I like it a lot. Yeah, don't know, man. Don't know. I don't want to live and let live. I'm not putting it either way. It's right on. So the sketch idea is, um, parents texting you while they're having sex. Is that the idea? Yeah. Oh, Alan, I reckon Alan will be stoked by this. Yeah. What a beautiful thing to be associated with. Very forward thinking. You know, why, why are we shaming parents for having sex? I don't know. I'm not. We, none of us to be here without

that. Well, nearly, nearly none of us. It was obviously some robotic stuff. other, you know, there's, I don't, well, I'm maybe thinking more in the future, the robots will be doing the kids stuff, but there's other things, there's the test tubes and whatnot still, but yeah, you know, shame test tubes. So why are we shaming? I would never shame a test tube. Why are we shaming parents for boning? You know what I mean? That's what I call my penis the testicle. Right. If the testicles, and then I guess the other bit is the test tube. Tube, yeah, that makes sense. Test the tube. Test the testicle's. This episode was a lot about parents boning and then

their kids. So that was the... How are they making kids if the guys aren't ejaculating? Well, that, so they're meant to have sex a lot to spread the Christian energy through their body so they become immortal. Yeah. But they also did this other thing where they were allowed to,

they, some people were allowed to have kids. And when they decided to have kids, then as a group, they would match people up after basically having an airing of the grievances against people. And then they'd match them up based on their sort of moral matches. This is actually sounds all right

Yeah Yeah Look I mean Again I support everything that happened In that situation Yeah yeah You're a big noise man Yep

That was the boss was called John something John noise I remember Let me tell you It doesn't matter Is there anybody else It doesn't It doesn't

John Humphrey noise Sorry I just I felt like I should need To say that for some reason So Alan Harker Has come up with an invention where he texts or she texts parents while boning.

No, no, no, the parents text you. Oh, the parents text you, giving your updates. Yeah. Having a good time. Or it could just be, you know, why don't you call me more often? Right. In brackets. We're boning right now.

Well, I mean, I think you'll know. Oh, you'll know because it's the kind of text. You'll have a separate phone. No, I think you'll just know when you get a text. That's because your parents. That's because your parents are boning. Well, think about it. What are the two things that parents enjoy, boning?

Yeah. and telling their kids that they don't call them enough. Why wouldn't you combine those two things to maximize your pleasure? It's like, you know, it's like doing drugs and then making love or asphy-wanking or something, you know, things that increase heighten it. So why not? Text you kids, how disappointed you are and while you're making love. Asphy-wanking being combining two things that make people very happy.

Dying? Getting close to dying and sitting down. Yeah. We don't talk about sex this much on our podcast. No. We don't normally either. But I think one of the benefits would be that if you wanted your parents not to text you while they're apponing, then you need to call them more. Can we just release this as our episode of our podcast?

Because we need to record it anyway. Yeah, great. Perfect. We can do a double drop. Double drop. Yeah. I'd also love to think, does not give an address, but Heather McLeigh. Oh, yeah.

You know, there's parrots that eat clay so that they don't get poisoned by the plants that they eat. Yeah, McCores, right? They do this in the South American rainforest. There's the muck. Macaws, yeah. Clay. Wow. And so this is a woman who actually eats parrots.

It's parrots. She eats parrots. Who have eaten clay. Who have eaten clay. So that she doesn't get poisoned from the immense amount of alcohol that she constantly drinks. Wow. That's smart. We know that sea birds soak up a lot of oil whenever there's an oil spill.

Feels to me like the seabird could be the perfect thing to line your stomach with when you're about to have a big night. Yeah, and like it's going to be crazy, but I think the feathers are really highly absorb it. Drink alcohol and eat like sort of a lot of greasy food. So that way it'll absorb the oil and they'll stop the poison and things like that. Yeah. So you stop it up with a good diet of macaws. Wow, darn. Heather McLeigh came up with that.

Yeah. That's her idea, yeah. Well done. And she also does it. And then she named herself after her. She was an old woman who swallowed a bird. Yeah. Who had swallowed a clay.

A clay. Thank you so much, Heather. Love to thank from Brisbane, Queensland, Australia. Cameron Silk. Oh, yes, cameraman. The obvious part of his name there, being the camera. Cameron Silk, he runs comedy rooms in Brisbane. Oh, cool.

Yeah. Sounds like a good man to know. Yeah, real good rooms too. Well, hi, Cameron. Anyway, I'm unemployed for the next five months, and I'm really getting back into stand-up. And if you need somebody desperately, I was strongly virtual.

I'm down here. Does he fly people up? I don't know. You should talk to him, though. Yeah, great. He is right now. I thought I was. I thought I was talking to him.

You are, no, you've got a direct line here. Is it wrong for us to use this opportunity to like beg for work from your Patreon suppose? Yeah, no, he's, I mean, he's supported us. You know, the least that he could do is now give you work. Additional support. But yeah, no, I'd record the SBC comedy room, and sabotage. Both real fun.

Great. So yeah, I definitely, and Cameron Silk, I would definitely fly Alice they're up. Oh, great. That's really nice. I think I may have seen them. Maybe we're friends on Facebook. I'm not sure. Just what we're talking about silk.

I would love for us to have as an option, the form of transport that those tiny spiders have, where they unfur a long strand of silk from their anus, and then it gets caught by the wind, and then they get blown away. Yeah, like, yeah, like a silk sale. Yeah, silk sale. And, you know. As a public transport? Sure.

Sure, well, not public transit. It feels like quite a private transport. I mean, unless other people can cling to your silk. But I feel like that in this society, that would be really frowned upon. Oh, okay. You don't cling to another man's silk. So Nick Mason, for instance, stops driving trams. Instead, he starts shitting silk.

And you've got to hold onto him, and then he'll float you to your destination. That could work. I think maybe you could do it with just by sort of like taping a bunch of bubble gum over your anus. Yeah. And then you sort of fill that up with sort of. with gas, and eventually you let that huge bubble kind of carry you with the wind. Imagine if we'd never invented the wheel where we would be at in terms of other forms of transport. I think that the butt bubble, the airborne butt bubble.

People who talk about the wheel like it was this genius thing and where would we be without it? Who knows? It could be. It's a crutch. Yeah. Well, I think the invention of the wheel is essentially what's led us to this climate trouble that we have right now because it's the use of fossil fuels and things like. that so if we had the butt bubble that never would have happened and we would currently be also we'd be capturing methane keeping it out of the atmosphere that's right yeah imagine if

instead of inventing the wheel those people in the olden days invented a solar panel the butt bubble as well yeah maybe a solar a solar a solid bubble bubble yeah exactly Cameron silk hopefully you realize everything we've just said there was in appreciation of you yeah and this was that was his idea that was your idea the butt bubble yeah and well done for coming up with it. I wish you were around there, all those centuries ago. How long over the wheel, three, four hundred years? Yeah. Yeah. And finally, I'd love to thank from Kingsport in TN. I reckon, I'm going to say Tennessee. Tennessee. Emily Beersdorf. Isn't that great how Americans think that they can just give people the initials of the place that

they live and everyone will just work it out? I'm sorry, that doesn't happen. That's not how we do things over here. Guess what? We all did work it out, though. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. I'm not saying because we're real smart. Yeah, that's true. But that's unfair to put that on other people who are less smart than us. Sorry, what was her name again?

Bayerwolf. Beyerwolf? Really? Emily Bayelwolf. My favorite of all the ancient Norse sagas, I got to say. Is it the only one? Yeah. Emily Beersdorf.

Bayer's Dorff. Which is a translation of Beyerwolf. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's like a German Beowulf probably. Yeah, yeah. Who was the original Bayer Wolf? It's probably still Germanic. But they were, would have been like what, like Norwegian or something like that?

Yeah, probably. Swedish or something. Right. Danish, maybe Danish. Danish. Danish. Danish, that's a thing. That just makes me feel hungry every time.

Mm. The Danes. Isn't it crazy that once upon a time, if somebody had shouted, the Danish are coming, everyone would have run in fear. But now everybody says, oh good, I love a little pastry. I love some cold custard. Do you think anything's had a bigger turnaround from the terror of the Viking hordes to a sort of a sort of small, flat sort of custody treat?

I don't know. Maybe outside of the sex cult that became a dinnerware company. All around. Come on. So, yeah, maybe that's what Emily Beersdorf's business is. Yeah, maybe that's... Rolls into town on her wheel-powered. Well, she takes danger

And then she goes to dangerous countries Or once dangerous countries And learns how to change their image Through food Right. Okay, so just one other quick example We've gone to Danish. So let's say Mongolia.

Mongolia is still looking for a pick-me-up Since the fall of that empire. Yeah. You know, so you go in there and you go, How about this? It's a chocolate sausage. She's an organization called Pastry Chef's Sans Frontier.

And you go and there you go, All right, you guys need a brand change. You know, you guys just kind of seem like you're poor and your sort of former hoarders. Not hoarders, but like a hordes. You know, like they don't hoard people, but they're people who would hoard. Right. You know, be a horde. Be a horde.

Part of a horde. Be the horde. Yeah. And then they go, yeah, you need to look. And then they just give them a chocolate sausage. And they say, this is you. We're going to call this a Mongolian. A Mongolian.

And so, and then a bunch of sausages in a plate, that's called a Mongolian. Horde. That's right, yeah. So it's all changed. That's great. Well, Emily Beazdell, that's a real worthwhile business that you're running there. Thank you so much for supporting us and all the great work you do. What were they called?

Pastry Dishes, Sons Frontier. Yeah, sure. And I think maybe you could keep all that the Mongolian horde in a sort of a what would be known as a Genghis can. Oh, Genghis can. They would come in a Genghis can. Which is a jar. Yeah.

Sausages in a can. Love it. Chocolate sausage is in a can. Big. This is real big. Well, thank you to all of those supporters. Maddie, Michael, Alan, Heather, Cameron and Emily. And thank you, Andy and Al, for coming in and help me to go through all those great people's names. Thank you for the opportunity.

So you are literally just about to record an episode. One more time for the people who want to hear your other episodes. And it goes back, what, seven years you've been doing it on or off? Yeah, a long time. 200 episodes. And the long one has a lot of guests, but you've also had guests. I've been on a bunch of episodes. I sure have. Look some of those up. They're all fun.

May so. Jess, that was the first time we ever got her. Oh, that was the first time? She's hard to get. We keep trying to book her and she's always busy. So that's why we had to record a 17-hour episode. You go, are you available at any point during this day? Yeah. That's smart. It's the only way to get Bob.

I'll put a link to the show in the show notes. Thank you so much everyone for joining us. And now I'm trying to, without Dave and Jessica, I forget how the show ends. I know I say later's. Jess says bye and Dave said something else. You'll be Dave. Yeah, he goes, say onara. Okay.

Yeah, he's getting cancer. Later's. Later. Bye. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want, it's up to you. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are

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