Do Go On - 280 - World War One (part two)

Episode Date: March 3, 2021

We continue on from last week's episode about World War One (part one), with World War One (part two)!Get tickets to our live shows this March/April:Prime Mates: https://www.trybooking.com/BPEUIBook Cheat: https://www.trybooking.com/BPEUEMatt Stewart - Nostalgia Was Better When I Was A Boy (discount code 'dogoon): https://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2021/shows/nostalgia-was-better-when-i-was-a-boyDo Go On: https://www.trybooking.com/BOMAA Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: patreon.com/DoGoOnPodMatt’s New Interview Show: ‘Matt Your Heroes’: https://youtu.be/VVsVGkzVNZQBuy tickets to our streamed shows (there are 12 available to watch now! All with exclusive extra sections): https://sospresents.com/authors/dogoon Check out our AACTA nominated web series: http://bit.ly/DGOWebSeries​ Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/Submit-a-Topic Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now:

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amarna, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there.

Canada, we are visiting you in September this year. If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal, and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. Hey everyone, before we get to the thrilling conclusion of World War I, I am here to tell you that we are doing four live shows at the end of March and into April. I'm talking Sunday, March 28, April 4, April 11 and April 18 at the European Beer Cafe.

And I've got to tell you, they're not the only live podcasts that some of us will be doing. That's right. Matt and I have just announced that we will be doing our first ever and possibly only ever live podcasts of our spin-on-on-on-on-y-on-off. of shows, primates, and book cheat. And they are both happening on Sunday, April, format. You've got some fantastic guests lined up for your 2pm show. Yes, we've got the dream team is what the listeners came to call it, or did I start calling them that one of the two.

But the dream team of Evan Munro Smith, classic second banana, Nick Meso Mason from the Weekly Planet and Cass, pagey page from Sand's Pants Radio. Oh, that's a good lineup. Such a good lineup. So it's going to be so much fun. Mesa's already suggested we get guerrilla suits. I'm not sure that that's going to happen.

He did say that that would probably blow the budget. Who cares? Who cares, maybe? Budget, shmudge it. That's what I say. Anyone's got an inn at a guerrilla costume shop. Hit me up. And that's at 2 o'clock then at 4.15.

I'll be doing a live book cheat. Guests to be confirmed, but we will be wearing costumes made of ham, which is a little reference to the Tequila Mockingbird episode. Anyway, and yeah, I'll be going through a book. with some fantastic guests, people that you know and love well. And yeah, so you can get tickets to those shows as well as our podcast at 8.30, that same night. And in between Matt's doing your stand-up show, so you literally can see four shows of ours,

basically back-to-back with a couple of meal breaks in the middle. Oh, my God. That's either a dream or a nightmare. I can't decide. Come with this, on this dream nightmare. Get your hand costumes ready, and we'll see you there. And welcome to another episode of Do Go One. My name is Dave Ornke, and as always, I'm here with Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart.

I'm Jess Perkins. Hello, I'm Matt Stewart. We'll hear more from those couple of laricans in just a second. But beforehand, if this is your first time ever listening to this show, I suggest you listen to last week's episode because this is a part two. But anyway, we take it in turns to report on a topic, often suggested by a listener. And it's Matt's turn to report on the topic this week. Matt, Matt, Matt.

Oh, no, no, no. We always start with a question. and the answer is World War I. No, I wanted to get the point. Yeah, I knew you did. So, Matt, what is your question? But he didn't ask a question. He'd ask a question. Damn, man.

And I'm locked out. The question is, what is this week's episode part two of? World War I. Correct. Fuck you, Dave. Honestly, if you're keeping score out there, which I know one of you is, half a point each? No.

It'll be nice to see, because they're the judge. We fully leave that up to them. So whatever they say goes. We never fact check their scoring. Yeah, that. Yeah, so this is the part two. That's right. We finished last week with the US entering the war.

So we got through a lot of stuff last week. And really, from what I've read, the US entering was one of the massive turning points of the whole war. Yeah. And people, I asked people for feedback over the last few days since the first episode came out. And I think you're foolish for doing so. I did feel that way. But nearly everyone was really positive, which was nice. I've got a couple of little extra tips.

And so I'm going to do a quick backtrack because someone mentioned this. I didn't write their name down. Apologies for that. But I thought it was pretty interesting. But anyway, so to start this episode, I'm going to go right back to the start. In a way, I guess it helps recap how it all kicked off as well. Please tell me you. You're just going to do the whole thing.

We're going again. Filling in all the gaps I miss. No, but there was just one. I think it was a fun thing. I definitely would have put it in if I knew about it. So it sort of shows how the powerful people right at the center of all of this were trying to stop it from happening right up until it all kicked off. So hours after Austria and Hungary,

Australia, Hungary, sorry, declared war on Serbia. Sir Nicholas II of Russia and his cousin Kaiser Wilhelm I, the second, started communicating with each other via telegram. As a side note, the titles, Zah, and Kaiser are both directly derived from the Roman emperor title of Caesar. Do you know that? German listener Lucas Bender message saying, the German word Kaiser is a direct descendant from the Latin Caesar.

And not only that, the Latin word was probably pronounced just like Kaiser, with a hard scene instead of a soft one. So he said, so enjoy your Kaiser salads. So Kaiser or Keiser? Yeah, yeah. Ah, Keiser Salas. I have a Keiser salad book. And then people will say,

It's Caesar and you'll say, well, actually, give me that person. I actually had a listener message me about this. Like any time people order brusetta and you get to go, well, actually, it's spruci. Okay. And I love doing that. They're always fact taking me at restaurants. They're like, it's not g-notchy. It is not genocchi.

Yeah. I'm like, I think you'll find that's how I've always said. Yeah, that's right, mom. Genolfi. Just like mum used to make. He also. pulled me up and he did this in a very friendly way. That's why I appreciate, I haven't said, thanks for being gentle.

And he said, look, anyone who's getting upset about information here, we're all having good fun. I said, I appreciate your attitude very much. That's a great attitude to have. Did you just make up a conversation? No, this is it. Hey, it's all up there on the public record. Check out Twitter.com. But he also mentioned that I did say King a few times for brevity when talking about the Russian Tsar and the German kai.

And he said, while it's not necessarily wrong, it does sound a little weird to a German, because Germany had many kings back then. There was a king of Bavaria, king of Saxony, a king of all of those different territories. And the Kaiser was merely the boss king. So the sort of the king of kings or the ace of aces. Yeah, right. Okay, should we call him the ace of now? It's not necessarily wrong, but it's a bit confused.

Yeah, that's right. Cool. Okay, that's interesting. Yeah, that was interesting because it was a lot of kingdoms and had relatively recently come together. Is there also a Tsar of Sars? Yeah, Sars. I love Boss King, though.

Boss King's pretty good. I mean, it's very cute that you're a king, but I'm kind of like the King of Kings, so you're going to need to sit down, okay? Imagine being the King, but you've been outranked. Yeah. But I'm the King. Uh-huh. That's very cute.

And we're very proud of you being a very good king. Now, sit down. Sit down, and someone's going to chop your head off. So anyway, let's get back to the telegrams between Nicholas and Wilhelm. So they're cousins. They're both the rulers of these two major players, one on each side of the war. But they're closed.

They grew up together. They would go away on sailing vacations and wear each other's armies' uniforms and stuff for fun, I guess, or I don't know. But anyway, so they signed off each other's telegrams with their sort of affectionate nicknames for each other, which you'll hear because I'm going to read some of these out. Cousy-Wazzy. So the following breakdown of the correspondence is taken from a Washington Post article written by Graham Allison from Harvard's Kennedy School. The exchange began in the very early morning of July 29th, just hours after Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia in retaliation for the Archduke, Franz Ferdinand in Sarajevo. And this was an ocean. Time was short to find a diplomatic solution that would prevent a regional war from becoming a world war.

So this was a telegram from Saar Nicholas. He wrote, and they wrote to each other in English as well, because, you know, that was a common language and both of their grandmothers was Queen Victoria. Of course, yeah. In quote, in this serious moment, I appeal to you to help me. An ignoble war has been declared to a weak country, that's Serbia. The indignation in Russia shared fully by me is enormous. I foresee that very soon I shall be overwhelmed by the pressure forced upon me to be forced to take extreme measures which will lead to war.

To try and avoid such a calamity as a European war, I beg you in the name of our old friendship to do what you can to stop your allies from going too far. Nicky. That's what he calls him. Nicky. Cute. Like you sort of, you see he's sort of putting on a bit of pressure on the friendship. Yeah.

But also like, come on. You're not silly. to be the one that forces why, no, it's not you, but your friends, don't make your friends do this silly war. But even before this telegram arrived in Berlin, Kaiser Wilhelm sent his own message, so they sort of criss-crossed. And this happened a lot in this conversation. They'd be replying to the last telegram and vice versa.

Part of his telegram in the other direction wrote, The person's morally responsible for this darsely murder should receive their deserved punishment. In this case, politics plays no part at all. On the other hand, I fully understand how difficult it is for you and your government to face the drift of your public opinion. Pretty sassy, right? I've got a bit of a drift there. I know it's hard, you know.

Yeah, it's hard being unpopular like you are. But then again, you know, I mean, I can't relate. I have to be very clear. I'm not sympathetic. But empathetic. I'm an empath. I'm an empath. I must be tough.

I don't know what it feels like, but it must be hard. It goes on. Therefore, with regard to the hearty and tender friendship, which binds both of us from long ago with firm ties, I'm exerting my utmost influence to induce the Austrians to deal straightly to arrive at a satisfactory understanding with you. I confidently hope that you will help me in my efforts to smooth over difficulties that may arise. You're very sincere and devoted friend and cousin, Willie. I'm just hoping it would be really, yes. Willie and Nikki. So these are known as the Willie Nicky Telegraphs.

Very cute. And there was a bunch. I don't know how many of them. Just going through them now. They're probably not that interesting. And there'll be a link to read them all if you want to. Yeah. Dear listeners.

But the point is they're going backwards and forwards and it gets a little tense as it goes along. Right. And eventually it's like a war breaks out, basically. But it seems like at the start there, they're very much on the same page. Yeah, that's right. Like throughout, they're both trying to avoid the war. Yeah. But they're not going to be the one.

They're sort of not, neither of them are going to be the, the classic bigger man of going, hey, look, I'm pulling right back. Because they're in this position where they can't. So there was trouble because the Tsar, the Tsar, I don't know how to say that. But anyway, the Russians were going to take a while to get their army going. And if they didn't get ready, knowing that a war might be coming, then they're left way behind and vice versa. But as soon as their armies mobilized, the Germans are like, well, that's sort of, like an act of aggression.

We see you setting up, so we've got to be prepared. So it was like a bit of a, just like a vicious cycle. Yeah, right. Jeez. Yeah, it was kind of sad because it all ended very badly. It ended very badly for both of these guys, as we'll hear. Oh, a bit of sizzle there. Are you telling me that over 100 years later, both of these people are no longer here.

Hang on. Hey, look, I'm not going that far. Dave. What about Queen Victoria? Don't tell me. No. No, not Queen Vicky. Grandma Vicky.

Grandma Vicki. It's me, little Nikki. I'll read one more paragraph from this article by Graham Allison, which sort of just showed me how much they knew. No one involved really wanted it to happen. I mean, maybe some of the people involved in the respective armies did. but so right the last bit of correspondence Germany's ambassador

St. Petersburg went in and handed the Russian foreign minister His name is St. Petersburg. Sorry, the ambassador to St. Petersburg. Right. So there's another guy called St. Petersburg and he's the ambassador for him? That's right.

Sorry, sorry. It's going to be a long report. The ambassador went in, a German's ambassador. He's in there in Russia. He handed the Russian foreign minister a declaration of war and then burst in a tears. Oh.

Isn't that hectic? Like, yeah. Wow. Is he worried they would shoot the messenger? Well, I don't know. I guess he was obviously, I assume, as the ambassador, he was probably living there, he probably quite likes being in Germany and being like, I don't want this to happen. Or maybe he just knew how fucked up it was all about to get.

Yeah. So, yeah. The other thing someone or a few people pointed out was, I think we talked about how Germany went through Belgium, which was neutral, which brought Britain into the war. Why didn't they just go around Belgium? But apparently very well fortified the German and French border

and a lot more mountainous as well, whereas Belgium's quite flat. So that was kind of the reason. So they were lazy. It was a time-saving thing. But in the end, probably... Probably should have put on the hiking boots. Yeah.

To be fair, if there's a bit of a hill, I'm like, I'll drive. I'll go through Belgium. I'm going to walk up a hill a bit. And you also remember the Schleafen plan. They needed to knock over France quickly. So they couldn't afford this extra time. So they thought it was sort of the pragmatic decision to go, all right, we're going through a neutral territory.

And they were like rolling the ice of Britain would look the other way. They were really hoping they wouldn't. Can't be bothered getting into a war. Something else that I sort of hinted at, but didn't quite go into in the first part, which I thought I'd just run through a little bit. So just because we talk about it as a world war, but really been focusing a lot on the direct European ones. But I thought let's talk a bit about the British Dominions. So obviously there were two sides in the war, just to recap a bit, the central powers,

which is the Austria, Hungary slash Germany and their ally side. I'm assuming they're called the central powers because of their position in Europe. they are the centre compared to Russia and France and everyone around the side. And then you've got on the other side the triple entente of France, Russia and Britain and then their allies. And that side is also commonly referred to as the allies.

I also want to go back and talk about the consequences of one of the triple onton, Great Britain entering the war, because it brought in, instantly brought in their dominions. They declared war on Germany on the 4th of August 1914. That automatically committed the rest of the empire to war. And, you know, this has been on the back of a few centuries of Britain going around and just stealing land and countries and whatever, you know, colonising the world.

So this meant the West Indies, New Zealand, Australia, British India, Canada, Newfoundland, parts of Africa, including the Union of South Africa, were all brought into the war basically without any say at all. Well, the Godfather calling upon you for a favour. Yeah. Even though the Godfather's already fucked up your country previously. Yeah, wild. Hey, I remember what I did for you?

Huh? And now you've got to repay the favour. You don't want to. But that's the funny thing. So the over 3 million soldiers and labourers from across the empire and Commonwealth served alongside the British Army in the First World War, according to the National Army Museum. and you say, you assume that there would be sort of some, they'd be going, I don't want to be drawn into this, but according to the New Zealand government history website, quote, Britain could not have anticipated the enthusiasm with which its empire would embrace the war effort from the outset and its stoic commitment as the war dragged on.

Nor could the British government have foreseen just how crucial a role some components of the empire, notably India and the Dominions, would play in the British Army's battles on the Western Front and elsewhere. And then, so this is from the British National Army Museum website. It breaks down some of the work that different dominions and countries put in. So here's India. Soldiers from the Indian subcontinent, including India, Pakistan and Bangladesh, fought in all the major wartime theatres. You don't hear about the Indian soldiers at all, but they put in so many soldiers. Yeah, it's funny.

I guess because they're sort of all under the umbrella of, the British Empire. You never really hear, apart from in Australia, the talk of Australian soldiers either. That's what I was just thinking about. I mean, we've heard we study Australia's involvement a lot heavy, like in a much more heavy way. So that's what I was just thinking. I was like, well, yeah, we haven't thought about that.

But we just haven't learned about it because we're just, as soon as you said Australia, I'm like, oh, there we are. Yeah. That's us. We're in Australia right now. It's exciting. But India, they had two infantry, two cavalry divisions arriving in the Western Front by the end of 1914, and eventually 140,000 men saw service there. In 1915, Indian troops arrived in the Middle East, where they fought against the Ottoman Turks in Palestine and Mesopotamia, now Iraq.

That same year, soldiers from the Indian Army fought alongside British Australian and New Zealand troops on the Gallipoli Peninsula. I didn't know there were Indian troops involved in Gli. I mean, in my head, Gallupoli is basically Australia and New Zealand. And then a couple of English guys sipping on tea and making bad decisions. Yeah, exactly. I think that's how I was taught it in school. Pretty much. I think that's what all the picture books had.

They're having a bite of a biscuit and a sip of a tea going, go kill yourselves. Yes. Go over there. Jolly good. Run at those bullets over there, please. I don't know if that's quite accurate. I think it's pretty good though. It's close if it's not completely accurate.

The Indians also formed a large portion of the Allied forces occupying former enemy territory in East Africa, the Balkans, Asia Minor and the Caucasus. That's almost definitely know how you say that. In total, 1.27 million Indians voluntarily served as combatants and labourers. Wow. Huge. Massive. Yeah. The West Indies, they were around 15,000 West Indians enlisted, including 10,000 from Jamaica, others came from Trinidad and Tobago, Barbados, the Bahamas, British Honduras, Belize, Grenada, British Guyana,

the Leeward Islands, St. Lucia and St. Vincent. Although a few served in regular British Army units, most men in the Caribbean served in the West Indian Regiment and the British West Indies Regiment, serving in France, Italy, Africa and the Middle East. Again, I mean, I should also say that I don't know much about the World War in general, but nearly everything that I've read is, I've been like, whoa, really? Africa, this is still from that same British National Army Museum website I was talking about. African troops played a key role in containing the Germans in East Africa and defeating them in West Africa.

Europeans and Indians struggled in the harsh African climate, but the local inhabitants had the skills to survive and prosper, which is hardly surprising. By November 1918, the British Army in East Africa was mainly composed of African soldiers. The units involved were the West African Frontier Force drawn from Nigeria, the Gold Coast, or Ghana, and Sierra Leone. Not Gold Coast on Queensland.

It was a service paradise. Batman went up from Movie World. You know. They also had recruits from Kenya, Uganda and Malawi. At least 180,000 Africans also served in the carrier corps in East Africa and provided logistic support to troops at the front. So just, yeah, just amazing numbers. This, I found interesting and a bit, I mean, sort of, you know, different time stuff,

but a lot of this is a bit fucked. But in South Africa, over 60,000 laborers came from South Africa. Black South Africans were restricted to a logistical role because the South African government feared arming them. Around 25,000 black South Africans were also recruited to the South African native labor contingent that served on the Western Front in 1916 and 1917. So they're basically, yeah, amazing. So they're either fearing like revolt or. Yeah. Which, I mean, says something.

If your army is not going to fight for you? Yeah. You've got some other issues to maybe sort out first. In 1915, an expeditionary force of 67,000 white South African troops invaded German southwest Africa, Namibia. Many of these soldiers later fought in East Africa as well. White South African units were also sent to the Western Front on the 14th of July 1916. the first South African brigade entered Delville Wood on the Somme

after six days of vicious fighting in hellish conditions only around 750 officers of men remained unharmed. That was out of about just over 3,000. That's huge numbers, yeah. The big proportion of the moment down. Yeah, so I don't know if this is how interesting this is, but I just sort of be, it's worth giving little snapshots of some of the other country.

So you're right, it is a world war. Yeah. Canada, do you want me to go through a few more? I'll just keep these briefer. Canada, following the outbreak of war, Canada raised the Canadian Expeditionary Force for service on the Western Front. From 1915, it fought in most of the major battles,

winning renowned at the second battle of EPR in 1915, on the Somme in 1916, at Vimy Ridge in 1917, and at Parschendale in 1916. 17. Canadian troops also played a leading role in the victorious 100 days offensives 1918, spearheading many of the Allies key attacks. They lost over 60,000 men killed during the war, nearly 10% of the 620,000 Canadians who enlisted. Wow. Newfoundland. I didn't know, I'd never heard of Newfoundland. I knew it, but I didn't know where it was. But apparently this is now part of Canada. Yeah. But only since 1949 at this time.

It was its own separate space under the British Empire. They fought it Gallipoli as well, but were almost wiped out in battles at Beaumont Hamill and the Somme. And they also fought at Arras and Parsondale in 1917. And were there at the German Spring Offensive in 1918. Australia, Jess. You heard of these guys? How many Australians you reckon would have been involved?

I was trying to think of that before. when you're giving numbers from other places, I feel like there was a lot of us, wasn't there? I don't know. As a stab? I mean, I wouldn't have, I would have had no idea.

You don't have to. It was over 410,000. I was going to say a million. So 400,000 seems a bit pish-push. But there's a lot less people living here then. That's right. So as a percentage, it's huge. Yeah, as a percentage of a really big portion.

And also, you're going to be like, well, kids can't go. Well, in most cases. Yeah. And, you know, really old people can't go. So you're like, oh, that's really a high percentage of anyone that could go. Yeah, that's right. And they're not sending women at that time.

Yeah. So it's like, all right. Yeah. Bonkers. You would have been there for sure, Dave. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Imagine Dave.

They wouldn't have a uniform small enough. They'd be like, we have this one for a mouse. Don't ask why. The mascot. Oh, okay. So 410,000. around 200,000 casualties out of that. Whoa.

That's terrible. In April 1915, Australians landed at Gallipoli and Turkey with troops from New Zealand, Britain and France. We also heard India before. The following year, Australian forces fought in campaigns on the Western Front and in the Middle East, where they defended the Suez Canal and helped take Sinai, Sinai. Later they advanced into Palestine and helped capture Gaza and Jerusalem. in 1918 the Australians played a leading role

in the decisive Allied advance on the Western Front as well I'm going to talk a little bit in a sec about a tiny bit more about the Gallipoli campaign because that is like that's the one that's taught in our schools here but I also I'm only going to touch on it briefly because I kind of feel like I reckon

we'll do a report, a full report on it one day next week I think people want and deserve a break from war yeah people have had to listen to five weeks. I'm going to find some sort of kooky lighthearted story, I think.

For five weeks. Imagine living through four years of it. Yeah. But that's crazy. So we lost almost half the men that went. But when you say casualty, that's not always... It's dead and injured.

Yeah, that's right. And usually quite injured, right? Yeah, that's still fucked, isn't it? So, yeah. You have a 50% chance of it, like, altering your body in some way. Was the baby? after the First World War or the Second World War?

That would be after the second World War. Second, right? Yeah. And then New Zealand, it was the last one I'll touch on here. Following the outbreak of war, New Zealand forces helped Australia capture Germany's colonies in the Pacific. Almost 100,000 New Zealanders also served overseas in the New Zealand Expeditionary Force, including 2,700 Mardi and Pacific Islanders. Around 18,000 New Zealanders gave their lives.

This included 2,700 men killed at Gallipoli and over 12,000 soldiers killed on the Western Front. Wow. So I think a one in five people aren't coming home at all. Yeah. That's nuts. As was the case with the Australian and Canadian comrades, the experience of fighting together away from home helped the New Zealand soldiers forge a distinct national identity. They talk about that a bit with Australia. Apparently, Gallipoli has been a big part of, you know, that.

I guess at least the military identity. I don't know. Yeah, but maybe even. Our mateship. Our mateship. You know, that's true. I think a lot of that sort of stuff is drawn from that. And it's also maybe it was sort of like starting to see ourselves as a separate entity from Britain.

Yeah. Like, wild Australia from just until then had the, I think it's still at that point fought under the flag. Yep. Like the British flag and God save the Queen was the national anthem. I think even into my dad's life. I think that's the case. I should have looked that up, so I have people not yelling at their iPods.

But anyway, let's talk briefly about the Gallipoli campaign. In Australia and New Zealand military history, like I'm saying, the most well-known campaign of the war was at Gallipoli. With the war remaining settled into a stalemate in Europe on the Western and Eastern fronts, the Allies attempted to score a victory against the Ottoman Empire. Not going into too much detail, like I say. but basically the Allies forged a large-scale land invasion,

the Gallipoli Peninsula in Turkey on the 25th of April 1915. There's still a national holiday in Australia, and I think in New Zealand as well, Anzac Day, Anzac being Australian and New Zealand Army Corps. This followed a failed Navy attacked by British and French ships on the Dardanelles Straits in the months prior. So this strip was really important. It sort of linked,

It could link, basically it's a little strip that separates Europe from Asia, or Western Asia from southern Europe. But it's also quite an important straight for getting ships through and stuff. Right. And the Ottoman Empire controlled it basically, I think. So they were trying to get that and that would have really helped the rush, like, be able to get through for the Russians to the other side. Well explained. I'm so sorry. I can't, I'm not, you're looking at us almost for help and I can't help.

No, I know. I shouldn't start a kind of. It's like a little back door that they could go up and then like, right? A little chuff. A little chuff. You go with the back and then you can like supply stuff and then be like, oh hello, Germany. You're down here as well.

Yeah, it would have just been a, it would have helped immensely. So apparently it was on the list of possible, uh, Britain was looking at trying to take it from before the war, but it was seen as too difficult. and then into the war they're like maybe we'll have a crack at it and it turned out we've got a lot of people here that are willing to risk their lives

yeah turned out and because of mistakes and whatever the invasion was a dismal failure and after months of fighting without any gains or very little gains anyway in December the Allies began a full retreat having suffered 250,000 casualties including 46,000 dead

and on the other on the Turkish side the campaign also so cost an estimated 250,000 casualties with 65,000 killed. So a lot of people died. I mean, that's the whole war, right? But a lot of people died without any gains. Apparently, the Gallipoli campaign had no influence on the war. Yeah, as if it's, yeah.

Not pointless, but yeah, like you say, no influence on the war. And all those lives lost for no gain. The thing that we're like, we're taught to be sort of proud of at school, at primary school, I remember, was the escape. Nearly, I think no one died or nearly no lives were lost on the retreat. Like they did it under the cover of darkness. There was a bit of a subterfuge or whatever so they could get it out without anyone dying. And that was the most successful thing about it, the retreat.

Wow. Is that something? Let's talk a bit about Italy. So Italy has not joined the war at this point. And they actually started on one side before the war and ended up joining the war on the other side. So they were kind of interesting in that way. According to the World War.org. When World War I began in July 1914, Italy was a partner in the Triple Alliance with Germany and Austria-Hungary, but decided to remain neutral.

However, a strong sentiment existed within the general population and political factions to go to war against Austria-Hungary, Hungary because they were Italy's historical enemy. Annexing territory along the two countries' frontier stretching from the Trentino region in the Alps eastward to Trieste at the northern end of the Adriatic Sea was a primary goal and would liberate Italian-speaking populations from the Austro-Hungarian Empire while uniting them with their own cultural homeland. During the immediate pre-war years, Italy started aligning itself closer to the Entente powers, France and Britain. for military and economic support.

So they're seeing the war as a chance to take back land and sort of free who they see as, you know, Italian people who are now on the other side of the Austro-Hungarian border. On April the 26th, 1915, Italy negotiated the secret pact of London by which Great Britain and France promised to support Italy annexing the frontier lands in return for entering the war on the Entente side. On May the 3rd, Italy resigned from the Triple Alliance.

So they signed to the other side, and a week later, so there was a week there, though, sort of signed up to both sides. You know, they always say line up another job before you could. Yeah, very smart by Italy. Or line up another marriage of yours is falling apart. Exactly right. I had two marriages. Yeah, I've got three else back on.

You always have an overlap. Yeah, oh, man, you go. Every marriage needs an overlap. You're crazy. You've got to line up another marriage. What are you going, marriageless? Don't be ridiculous, Matt. You'll leave yourself open to attack.

Matt, hang on, hang on, Dave, hang on, Dave, let's not attack him straight off the bat. Let's come from a place of love and care. Matt, are you trying to tell us that you... You've spent any of your adult life unmarried? Yeah. Have you been living in sin? No, no, no.

That would be so embarrassing. No, no, I mean, I sure. I've overlapped in all my weddings. Oh, thank God. Sometimes for ease, I'll just marry multiple people. people on the same day. Exactly, yes. Fantastic.

Okay, yeah, great. All right, we're all on the same page then. I just want to make sure. Yeah, early days of your marriage. You know, you want to, like, have, you know, I was going to say a few fingers and pies. You know, just in case. Yeah, absolutely. Just in case.

And that's all Italy was doing. And it saves time and money on weddings. Just have one big one. Exactly. Exactly. And then you also, I mean, you don't just drop the other wedding the next day or wife or whatever, yeah, partner. Because you want to give it a week like Italy did.

Yeah. To just see if it feels right. Exactly. Yeah, a little bit of annulment time, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So on May the 3rd, Italy resigned from the Triple Alliance and later declared war against Austria-Hungary at midnight on May 23rd. It's crazy.

So they broke up with them and waited nearly three weeks. Otherwise, you know, it's a bit, a bit on the nose. Like, that would be like in the Daily Mail, you know? A bit of a dog act. Yeah. Yeah, come on. You've just declared war on your recent ex-wife. Yeah, geez.

Come on, mate. Jeez. Give her a bit of space. Yeah. Let her remarry. Yeah. Let her declare war on you. Exactly.

That's right. Yeah, yeah. You guys are such feminist. I mean, do I have to say that? No, no, no, not at all. Yeah. I am the feminist of this podcast. And you two should get behind me.

Lean in. I'm going to get him a t-shirt that says the feminist. The feminist of the podcast. Yeah. Of the podcast will be in very small. And that's a real conversation started at a party. Look forward to explain it. Oh, so you're a feminist of a podcast.

All right. I wish I hadn't brought this out. And there was a woman on the pot. Yeah, oh God. And there is a woman on the pot. Okay. Yeah, all right. You seem fun.

Well, that's why. I mean, in a lot of ways, I do it to help her. You ever met her. Bloody hell. She hates women. You know what they're like. You know, God. What happened in this system?

So, Italy's declared war on Austria-Hungary. midnight, May 23rd, History.com continues. British-led forces also combated the Ottoman Turks in Egypt and Mesopotamia, while in northern Italy, Austrian and Italian troops faced off in a series of 12 battles along the Ezonzo River, located on the border between the two nations. So that was like, that was something I'd not heard of, but yeah, Austria, Hungary and Italy were really fighting over territory along this strip. 12 battles. The first battle of the Izonzo took place in the late spring of 1915, soon after Italy's

entrance into the war on the Allied side. In the 12th Battle of the Aizonzo, also known as the Battle of Caporetto in October 1917, German reinforcements helped Austria-Hungary win a decisive victory. After Caporetto, Italy's allies jumped in to offer increased assistance, British and French and then Americans, which it seems like there's a bunch of times where it's like they go, and American troops came in, and that really helped. Thousands of American troops came in, fresh troops. But yeah, so that helped in their case.

But 12 different battles, and it wasn't like one keeps winning. It was like switching. There were three or four of the battles kind of too close to call. Wow. It was a real hot contested series. Wow. I'm going to talk a bit about another thing. I mean, like, I don't need to preempt all of these

because they're all things I haven't heard of before, but this is the Sykes-Picott or Picot Agreement. Have you heard of this? No. On May the 16th, 1916, Britain and France, there's a lot of secret signings. Britain and France secretly signed the Sykes-Picot Agreement under the assumption that the quote,

sick old man of Europe, the Ottoman Empire, was coming to an end. And Britain and France, they met, to decide how they would basically cut up the Middle East and take bits and pieces for themselves. It's real gross stuff. The Brits and the French. Very good at that.

You have a bit of this. The third member of the Triple Entente, Russia was also in attendance, though it had already been agreed in the March 1915 Constantinople agreement to give Russia Constantinople, now assemble, what's Constantinople, and the areas around it.

So all three had kind of divvied up the Middle East a bit. And this is like the war. We're still going. They're going, we think this is all falling apart here. What do we, what do you want? You can have that bit.

Like kids trading cards or something. You know, like kids do. Kids today. They still do cards. Probably holograms out. Yeah. Probably money all along.

Kids don't play in person anymore. Probably swapping. Gobbies. Sorry, that's somewhere I was going. Holy shit. Holy shit. Is that not where you were going?

I'm sure it was. Goby. Gobi card. Yeah, goby cards. Oh, there we go. Jess plan the goby card again. Gobi is a fun little character, like Gumbi. It's Gumbi's little brother.

Like the little elf in Harry Potter. Yes. I'm Gobi. Gobby's world. Anyway, we're talking about, I need a sock. I need a wank. We're talking about the Sox-Picot Agreement. According to Britannica, the agreement led to the Diviator.

of Turkish held Syria, Iraq, Lebanon, and Palestine into various French and British administered areas. The deals made in this secret agreement have created ongoing problems and affected generations of people in the area ongoing till today. Wow. You know, trouble in the Middle East, it feels like some of that goes back to this. Drawing borders, you know, just drawing, we'll take a border here. And this is still from Britannica, even though the borders of the mandates were not determined until several years after the Sykes-Pakeau agreement.

The fact that the deal set the framework for these borders stoked lingering resentment well into the 21st century. Pan-Arabists opposed splitting up the mostly Arab-populated territories in the separate countries, which they considered to be little more than imperialist impositions. Kind of hard to argue with that, even though I don't know more than what I'm telling you. Moreover, the borders split up other contiguous populations like the Kurds and the Druze and left them as minority populations in several countries depriving their communities of self-determination altogether.

Imagine, like, you've got communities in this area and they're drawing lines criss-crossing through. You're like, oh, but now we're minorities in these four new countries. Yeah. Yeah, what a, it's just like no, it just feels like no foresight or understanding on how people work. It looks like they're playing a board game. Yeah, it feels so weirdly entitled.

Like, we know. We know what's best, obviously. I'll make my own little border here. I wonder if that's what they were even thinking this is good for them or they just weren't thinking about that at all. Yeah. Yeah, so that was something. Here's another wild thing that I didn't know happened during World War I,

the Russian Revolution. Again, like, there's so many things in here that could be their own reports. But anyway, so relatively briefly, according to the World War.org, on April 16th, 1917, having travelled on a sealed train from Switzerland, Vladimir Lenin ever heard of him, returns to Petrograd or St. Petersburg, after a decade of exile to personally lead the Russian Revolution.

The Russian Revolution's a big old topic. It's actually, it sounds like it's sort of two revolutions in the same year. I'm not going to go into that too much, but potentially we'll do this. I mean, I just can't. Honestly, I could talk about it for an hour and scratch the surface of it. So I'm going to go through it very briefly. from 1914 and 1916, Russia's army mounted several offensives on World War I's Eastern Front.

You know, we talked about last week, this is the Eastern Front was basically the French and German border, whereas the Russian was German and, sorry, the Eastern Front was the German and Russian. Yeah, so the Western Front is the French one. Did I say that the wrong way around? I think he said Eastern twice. Good. So the Western Front is the French side, Eastern Front, is the French side, Eastern Front, is the Russian side. Isn't it good that I came in and to go, I'll help simplify this

by making it way more baffling. Wait, there's two east of fronts on each side of the country? If you keep going east. Yeah, go east far enough. Yeah, that's right. So this is from history.com. Defeat on the battlefield combined with economic instability and the scarcity of food and other essentials

led the mounting discontent among the bulk of Russia's population, especially the poverty-stricken workers and peasants. This increased hostility was directed toward the imperial regime of Tsar Nicholas II, Nikki, and his unpopular German-born wife, Alexandra. Russia's simmering instability exploded in the Russian Revolution of 1917, spearheaded by that man, Vladimir Lenin, and the Bolsheviks, which ended Zaris rule and brought a halt to Russian participation in World War I. So they had, that was still fighting in the World War, but they were doing it real tough. The revolution occurs and the new leaders go, we're not in this war anymore.

Russia reached an armistice with the central powers in early December 1917, freeing German troops to face the remaining allies on the Western Front. So this is a big shot in the arm for the Germans. They can fight in one spot basically. Yeah, that's right. So this two front war, I mean, there's fronts all over the world now, but the main European ones, they're able to take away a bunch of troops they were using against the Russians. What happened to Nicholas? I was saying before, it did not end well for Nikki and Willie.

It was definitely worse for Nikki than Willie. Nicholas and his family were held prisoner until the following year, when at the age of 50. The last Tsar of Russia, Nicholas II, was executed. with his wife and daughters on the 17th of July 1918 and some of his servants as well. The photos, it looks like it's like a little homestead in the stick somewhere. And they were taken out there, taken down in the basement, read the riots, whatever, and killed brutally murdered. According to Britannica, in a slightly, you know, all good things come to an end,

but in a slightly more positive note, according to Britannica, on August the 20th 2000, the Russian Orthodox Church canonized the emperor and his family, designating them passion bearers, the lowest rank of sainhood, but a sainthood nonetheless. Okay. Because of the piety they had shown during their final days. Passion bearers. Passion bearers.

It sounds like a delicious drink. It does sound nice, wasn't it? What do you guys have? Do you want a passion bearer? P.B. Please. What flavor? I'll go with passion fruit. Interesting.

I'm going to get a berry. Okay. Matt, I know you, watermelon. Plain. Oh, delicious plane. So they're executed because that was all official under the new regime. And it wasn't until October 1st, 2008, when Russia's Supreme Court ruled that the executions were acts of unfounded repression and granted the family full rehabilitation. Obviously, too little too late in terms of their lives.

And resurrection, I assume. Yeah, and full resurrection. And sorry. Sorry about that. Oh, sorry. Yeah, so that's hectic. Yeah. Yeah, poor old Nikki.

There's a whole other story that I wanted to talk about, and now I feel like I'm going to do briefly. But the British were going to, his cousin in King, it's Henry V, right, in Britain, was going to, they were very close as well. George. George, sorry. And he was going to give them. sanctity or whatever over in Britain.

But then that was going to be a bit on the nose and they were nervous about that. So still not known if it was King George or the parliament, but probably King George sort of reneged on it, which meant that stayed behind and got executed. Yeah. So that's pretty full on.

So let's talk China. Biggest country in the world. To this point, China had remained. neutral in the war, according to the Smithsonian. Because I just, it was only today that I'm like, what was China's role? They must have been involved somehow, but there was no real mention of them. So I had to hunt it out a little bit more. I found this seemingly good article on the Smithsonian, which I'm going to quote from here.

Under the rule of the King dynasty, China was the most powerful nation in the east for nearly three centuries. But losing the first Sino-Japanese war to Japan in 1895, put an end to that. I reckon I'm saying that? Sino Sino Sino, Sino Japanese War. The Chinese people suffered political chaos, economic weakness and social misery, writes historian Professor Xu in his book Strangers on the Western Front. He goes on, but this was also a period of excitement, hope, high expectations, optimism and new dreams

because China believed it could use the war as a way to reshape the geopolitical balance of power and attain equality with European nations. There was only one problem. At first, none of the Allies wanted China to join the fight with them, interestingly. Although China declared itself neutral at the start of the war in August 1914, China's president, Shikai, had secretly offered British Minister John Jordan

50,000 troops to retake Qingdao, which we talked about in part one. Jordan refused the offer, but Japan would soon use its own armed forces to oust the Germans from the city, and they remain there throughout the war. So Japan was sort of in this, what was a Chinese territory,

Japan is sort of there now. And for whatever reason, Britain didn't want China to do that themselves. I don't fully understand. There would be a reason for this. Someone's yelling at their iPod right now. So I mentioned this story and how China's neutrality was also breached by Japan

on their way to defeating Germany at Qingtow. Well, according to History.com, to rub salt and the wound, that January, Japan presented China with the so-called 21 demands. And these included the extension of direct Japanese control over most of Shantung, southern Manchuria and eastern Inner Mongolia, and the seizure of more territory, including islands in the South Pacific control by Germany. So Japan's really, at this point, you know, lauding it over them a bit. back to the Smithsonian article. By February 1916, with men dying in huge numbers in Europe, Jordan came, Jordan, this is the British minister,

came around to the idea of Chinese aid as they're losing thousands and thousands. Yeah, actually, that would be great. You've got guys who could send in, maybe we'll. Maybe that, you know what? You know what? What I said. All right, why not?

I'm willing, I'll give you a go. I'll give you a go. I'll give you go. I'll give you go. I'm not desperate. Trial period. Yeah, I'll give you a. All right, you've got three weeks.

Yeah. But there was a stipulation. China could join with the Entente provided that Japan and the other allies accepted her as a partner. China is a woman. China is a woman in this article. As a feminist, I stand by that. Me too. China can be woman.

China can be woman too. Yes. So Japan refused to allow Chinese soldiers to fight. They want to hope. hoping to remain the powerhouse in the east. So Japan's like, nah, China can't be involved in the war. If China couldn't fight directly, their president, Chiquet's advisors, decided the next best option was a secret show of support towards the allies.

They seem really keen to be involved in the war. I would sort of be going, do you guys want me? No, all right. Hey, none of the bar. Do you want to do? No, 100%. Hey, let's all note that I offered. Yeah.

And then when they're like, no, thank you. I'd be like, oh, thank God. Oh my God. But they are. They want to seat at the table. They want to be back on the world stage. They were a big power for cent. Like, I think we've lived through this tiny blip when China wasn't the big world power.

I think through so much of history they have been. And, you know, it's there again now. She's there again now. Yeah, she is. Very good. Very good. You were making a joke about President Xi? Yes.

Yeah. I thought you probably said. That's a great pun. Well, you would know as the pun master. Pun master, thank you very much. But are they also hoping that, hey, how about Europe? Maybe they'll help us out with this little Japanese problem. Yeah, I think, well, I just think they want to be in there up with the big boys.

But yeah, they want a seat at the table after the water to discuss how things are. Yeah, that'd be great of that. they weren't in here anymore wouldn't it I think of Japan you're great of China China again so they

I mean I'm talking very naively about all this I'm basing all this off this one article I'm sure there's other sides like the Japanese would be like no we had rights to certain things or whatever you know Of course So so they go

We're going to send secret support by sending men in there, not as troops, but as labourers. It's like security cars. Yeah. I mean, if you want to give them a gun, whatever. We can carry stuff with guns. Yeah, we'll carry guns.

We'll carry guns. And if one so happens to fire, shoot a jamming in the face. It was a happy accident. I'm just going to start shooting my gun in this direction. And if any of the enemy walks into that stream of bullets, then that's on that. So be it. So be it.

So, starting in late. late 1916, China began shipping out thousands of men to Britain, France and Russia. Those labourers would repair tanks, assemble shells, transport supplies and munitions, and help to literally reshape the war's battle sites. I read somewhere else in this article they were like, a lot of the trenches were dug by Chinese men. Cool, I did not know that. I did not know that.

If true, did not check against another source at all. Since China was officially, this is still, I mean, this is a, The Smithsonian is pretty legit. Yeah. Since China was officially neutral, commercial businesses were formed to provide the labor. So, you know, it's like, no, they're not fighting for us. We're just paying them for their work.

But then the United States entrance into World War I shifted the political dynamics of the Allies with U.S. officials supporting China's cause with an eye towards the war's end. China's position became more fraught when Germany announced its strategy, of unrestricted submarine warfare, as we discussed in part one. Submarines.

The U-boats. So stupid. That ended up kind of bringing the Americans into the war. The underwater blimps. Yeah, that's right. They're fucking dumb. Zeppelons of the sea. Anything with a periscope is stupid.

Well, one of the attacks of these U-boats killed more than 500 Chinese laborers aboard the French ship Athos in February of 1917. Finally encouraged by the US and believing it was, the only sure way to be considered in the eventual peace agreements. China declared war on Germany on August 14th, 1917, and though little change in the support they provided since they had already been sending labourers, but they were now officially in the war. All right, so now have you heard of this, President Woodrow Wilson's 14-point plan. Yeah, have, yep. You've found the plan? Big fan of the plan.

Especially number eight, is that? Yes, that's everyone's favorite. Yeah, number eight's pretty good, right? I agree with that one. A bit of a fan of six as well. Like six? I thought three didn't need to be there. Yeah, could not agree more.

Just saying. Eight and six, real good. Number three, I mean, basically repeating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like you just wanted to sort of... He thought 13 point plan. That sounds unlucky. Yeah, you were just trying to flesh out.

Which one was your favorite again, sir? Number eight for me and Jess thought six is great to. Yeah. All French territory should be freed. and the invaded portions restored and the wrong done to France by Prussia in 1871 in the matter of Assachi Lorraine which has settled the peace of the world for nearly 50 years

should be righted in order that peace may once more be made secure in the interest of all. Dave, isn't that your tramp stamp? Yes, it is. You cannot argue against it, so I got it inked. And number six, I believe, was also a good one, Matt. That's a longer one, but okay.

Maybe a summary there. Yeah, I'll give you the top part. The evacuation of all Russian territory and such a settlement of all questions affecting Russia as will secure the best and freest cooperation of the other nations of the world in obtaining for her an unhampered and unembarrassed opportunity for the independent determination of her own political development and national policy. Wow, this is a real run on. It is and we love that.

Yeah. Countries used to be women. So number six is my favorite because I don't understand a word of it. I think it's basically going, let Russia go back to ours. Let Russia be. Pre-war. Let Russia be Russia. When Russia pulled out, had the armistice with Germany,

they gave concessions, obviously, because they were pulling out. Not quite surrending. The armistice is somewhere between. It's just like them agreeing to stop fighting. But the country who's going and going, can we sign an armist? They normally come off second best. Anyway. Number three was the one I disagree with.

Oh, you didn't agree with. Yeah, we thought it doesn't need to be there. The removal, so far as possible, all economic barriers and the establishment of an equality of trade conditions among all the nations consenting to the peace and associating themselves for its maintenance. What does that mean? Duh. Yeah.

I mean, it doesn't need to be said. It's what I think. Anyway, the 14 points. We agree with most of them. Yes. So on January 8th, 1918, American president Woodrow Wilson Woodrow, spoke before a joint meeting of Congress and outlined his 14 point plan for long-lasting peace following. World War I. He was an

idealist. He thought the world could live in peace and he just got to follow my 14-point plan. Oh, Woodrow. And look at us now, living in peace, all of us. Thanks, Matt. Pretty good. Your plan. Yeah, I think there was a pretty long-lasting peace after World War I, was it?

According to History.com, although they didn't really follow the plan, who knows if they followed the 14-point plan. This is from History.com, Wilson's proposal called for the victorious allies to set unselfish peace term. with the vanquished central powers of World War I, including freedom.

And the war's still going as well. But it's not that. It's relatively even at the start of 1918. You know, it's not like death throws of the battle. So it's in a, he's coming and going, come on. Hey, winners. You're losing. Let's be honest.

We're going to give you a good deal, though. So that, but that's what he's suggesting. And this is what did not happen. So this does feel like in hindsight might have been good. Unselfish peace terms, including freedom of the seas, the restoration of territories conquered during the war and the right to national self-determination in such contentious regions as the Balkans. So that people rule themselves. What does stuff make sense there?

Several points address specific territorial issues in Europe, but the most significant sections set the tone for post-war American diplomacy and the ideals that would form the backbone of US foreign policy as the nation achieved superpower status in the early 20th century. Wilson could foresee that international relations would only become more important to American security and global commerce. He advocated equal trade conditions, arms reduction, and national sovereignty for former colonies of Europe's weakening empires.

The speech was translated and distributed to soldiers and citizens of Germany and Austria-Hungary. So it was, you know, it was quite a positive, let's look at the, let's work together sort of thing. Which wasn't as popular with like the Britons and that. They're like, what do you mean? What do you have to give up those countries? Yeah. What? You're letting them figure out their own stuff?

I don't know about this. Point 14 was his idea of a league of nations suggesting a general association of nations must be formed under specific covenants for the purpose of affording mutual guarantees of political independence and territorial integrity to great and small states alike. Whatever it means, but you know what it means. It's sort of like, it was kind of a proto-U-N. Yeah. Anyway, let's leave that at the side for one moment.

We'll come back to that. That stuff comes back post-war. Here's a little throwaway section. This is from the World War. TheWorldwar.org. On March... Sorry. Sorry.

dot org. Thank you. On March the 8th, I had no idea I was talking about. On March the 8th, 1918, Camp Funston at Fort Riley

in Kansas made the first report of influenza. The disease spread overseas to the Western Front. Over the next year, this quote Spanish influenza kills 220 million worldwide.

It's funny. It's because it, you know, I only learned that very recently that it did not start in Spain. It should be called the Kansas

influenza. Well, the Camp Funster. Oh, Camp Funston Influenza. I almost feel like I want to get it. Yeah, I'd be like sign me up. Having fun at Camp Funston? It's kind of like a flu, but you like sneeze bubbles. Yeah. And your nose goes real red and sore, but it honks.

Yeah. That's fun. Yeah, but that influenza wasn't. That was quite deadly. That was quite deadly. Yes. It's marketing. And it's all in the brand.

Yeah. Yeah. Have a rebrand. That's all I'm saying. Let's have a bloody rebrand. Anyway, let's get back to the war. Yes. Enough talk about flus.

So, but 20 million. Holy shit. That's got to affect the outcome, right? Yeah, well, I mean, I think it, because it was affecting both sides. Yes, crazy. If it affected it, my guess would be that it affected in the way that both sides, like, we are knackered. We're losing more and more people from all sorts. lots of things now, not just bullets anymore.

I don't even talk about the gases, though. They were using these full-on gases on both sides. Yeah, nasty stuff. Really, really fucked up stuff. But anyway, let's get back to the war. Enough of that fucked up, chat. So with the Russians out of the war, Germany was able to bolster its troops on the Western Front.

That's from History.com. On July the 15th, 1918, German troops launched what would become the last German offensive of the war, attacking French forces, joined by 85,000 American troops as well as some British, but I mean, that's...

It would feel so unfair. You're Germany, like, we're already fighting so many countries and all of a sudden, because we admittedly blew up boats of theirs, all of a sudden, they've come into the war and they are against us. But yeah, so that was in the second battle of the Marne,

very decisive battle. The Allies successfully pushed back the German offensive and launched their own counteroffensive just three days later. After suffering massive casualties, Germany was forced to call off a planned offensive further north in the Flanders region, stretching between France and Belgium, which was envisaged as Germany's best hope of victory.

They still had hoped, but the Second Battle of Marne seemed to have snuffed them out a fair bit. Turn the tide of the war decisively towards the Allies, who were able to regain much of France and Belgium in the months that followed. And what year was that? That's 1918. We're in the final. We're on the home stretch. Sure, sure.

But before that, you were saying it was looking all right? It was. Yeah, just before, like, it was still, Germany had, they were still feeling positive. But, yeah, it was hard. Things only get harder from here for them as well. It's by the second half of 1918. It was all falling apart for the central powers.

Quote, despite the Turkish victory at Gallipoli, later defeats by invading forces and an Arab revolt that destroyed the Ottoman economy and devastated its land was really putting the Ottoman Empire under the sword if that's a phrase to the sword

I like under the sword Under the sword Under the sword This is from another I reckon I've quoted from maybe eight different history.com articles They really love this war

They are war mad They love it My God Have you ever watch the history channel Oh, Jesus. I mean, admittedly, World War II even more so, but they love this shit. Yeah, and Hitler. They love Hitler.

Oh, my goodness. Well, I don't know. They love Hitler. They love Hitler. They love Hitler. They love Hitler. Where is he now? Yeah.

What's he up to? Yeah, there's a lot of shows like finding Hitler's... Final destination. Finding his grave, finding his body. Finding his location in Argentina. Yes, he's got to Argentina. Yeah. I'm like, I reckon if you're going to find him, I would have heard about it before.

watching this reality show looking documentary. That's a good point. Finding Hitler's son. Finding Hitler's under Antarctic bunker. So this is from another History of Com article. On October the 30th, 1918, aboard the British battleship, Agamememmom.

Agamemmom. The famous ship. Agamemnon. Agamabem. Fredi Becker, you know that one actually. He quotes that in a few of his songs. Agamemabemob. Battleship Agamon.

All right. I think what you said was better. Agamemnon. So that was anchored in the port of Mudros in the Aegean Islands of Lemnos. Representatives of Great Britain and the Ottoman Empire signed an armistice treaty, marking the end of Ottoman participation in the First World War. By its terms, Turkey had to. open the Dardanel, which we're talking about before, very important little strip of water.

A little back door. Little back door. Little chuff. A little chuff. Tiny chuff. So I had to open up the Dardanelle and the Bospora straits to Allied warships. So, you know, this is another tough thing for the central powers to cop there. And it also, they also had to open their forts to military occupation.

it was also to demobilize its army, release all prisoners of war, and evacuate its Arab provinces, the majority of which were already under allied control. The Ottoman Empire refused to paint the treaty as an act of surrender for Turkey, later causing disillusionment and anger in Constantinople, their capital.

But in fact, that is what it was. The Treaty of Madras, ended Ottoman participation in World War I and effectively, if not legally, marked the dissolution of a once mighty empire. It was basically the end of the Ottoman Empire. Not officially, that didn't happen until November the 1st, 1922. But basically it was done then.

The Russian and Ottoman empires have now collapsed. So this war has taken out two. Empires. The Tsarist rule had been for centuries gone. the Ottoman Empire, which had been a massive power. It was fading, but this is what snuffed it out. It's quicker than it would have otherwise. Because last way you said, like, the Sultan was the absolute leader.

Yes. Sort of like the King of Kings. Yeah. The King of King is like in terms of religion and military. Yeah. So that's gone. But, you know, there's still a couple to go. Next up, Austria-Hungary.

at the Battle of Vittorio Venito fought from October the 24th to November the 4th in 1918 so we're getting very close to the end now. Italy won a decisive victory in what would become the final offensive launched on the Italian front during the war. While their army fought on the Italian front, the Austrian-Hungary Empire was falling apart back home. For instance, the provisional Czechoslovak government in Prague declared independence from the Empire. While mid-war, they're like, we're bailin.

And Hungary, I don't know if you've heard of that. The Hungary and Austria-Hungary also dissolved their union with Austria. Oh dear. Not surprisingly, things weren't going so well on the battlefield either. Like the Empire's falling apart. You think the army's going, well, we're still, we're going, okay, not really. According to Britannica, short of equipment, rations and manpower, the Austria-Hungarian army was no longer a coherent fighting force.

Some units simply abandoned their positions and began marching home to their new nation states. Like, we're not, we're free of you now. We're going to go. Yeah, like, if you're a check or whatever, you're like, okay, well, I don't represent you anymore. Later's. From October 30th, the Italian advance was slowed only by its rapidly growing number of prisoners. Oh, wow.

So they're just plowing through. On the 3rd of November, an armistice was signed to come into effect on the following down. the fourth. The Austro-Hungarian command ordered its men to cease hostilities after the signing, but the Italians continued their advance, taking many more prisoners and reaching the Asosno River without opposition, which was that battleground which they fought over 12 battles at the Oszno. So said that differently every time. I looked the first one I wrote out phonetically for myself and I didn't do it again. I reckon I got a pretty close the first time. I always do that. I do it with the first one and I'm like, and then I'll remember for the rest.

I suppose, though. But I don't. I mean, and I'm Swiss-Italian. That's why a couple weeks ago I just called that guy Fritz the whole time. 1-16 Swiss-A-I'm sorry. Fritz, yeah. Because his surname confused me every time. It's a great name, whatever it was.

Duquesne. Oh, Duquesne. Because it reminded me of Andy Dufrein. Exactly. That's how I remembered in the end. And he broke out of a prison as well. I know, yeah. Whoa.

He titled out. It's incredible. Being 1116th Swiss Italian, how are you feeling about, you know, who you, your allegiance is too? The Swiss part. of me very neutral. Yeah, that's right. So 1.30 second of you is neutral. Yeah.

Well, I think, because the Swiss Italian thing is it's just Italians right on the border. Right on the border. On the other side, I think into Switzerland maybe is what it was. So I think it's sort of like what they were talking about. They were trying to get their Italian speaking people back on the right side. So I don't know how I really need to look into my heritage a bit more. Theworldwar.org.org concludes of the Italian war effort, quote, At the beginning of the war, the Italian army boasted less than 300,000 men, tiny army.

Pish-posh. I could take them myself. That's so cute. Australia nearly had that many casualties made. But mobilisation greatly increased its size to more than 5 million by the war's end. That's nuts. Yeah, so by this time in November 1918, when they were. They were, you know, marching through.

Approximately 460,000 were killed and 95,000 were wounded in the conflict. So getting, pushing up towards one and a half million casualties and deaths. Wild. And they didn't even start. They were neutral at the start of the war. Yeah. So they had some full-on battles. So now Austria, Hungary are gone.

Not only out of the war, but they don't exist. exist anymore. So Germany is running out of allies pretty quick. Guys? Guys? Where are you going? And soon it was their turn. Again from History.com, by November 1918, both the Allies and the Central Powers

who'd been battering each other for four years were pretty much out of gas. I love that language on History.com. Yeah, out of gas. They know how to talk. They're out of juice. You've got to remember, apart from the wars, there's also this flu that's just tearing through as well. That's crazy.

German offensives that year had been defeated with heavy casualties, and in late summer and fall, the British French and US forces had pushed them steadily back. With the United States able to send more and more fresh troops into combat. Fresh. Fresh. Fresh is just such a weird way to describe people going to their death. Yeah, yeah.

We've got some fresh ones. Where's the humanity? Yeah. So the Germans were outmatched. As Germany's allies crumbled around them as well, the war's outcome seemed clear. In late 1918, popular unrest in Germany, combined with a naval mutiny,

which is a whole other thing, the German Navy went on strike. Far out. Anyway, so that's not ideal. And you know what Navy has? Subs. Oh, no, you've lost your subs. They are stupid.

Oh, we don't have subs. Who cares? Who cares? Whoopty freaking does? Good. So this unrest in Germany, in the German population, convinced civilian political leaders that the Kaiser had to abdicate to preserve order.

In fact, Wilhelm's abdication was announced on November 9th, 1918, before he had actually consented to it. Oh, they put out the press release and he was reading it going, hang on, what? He found out in the auto queue. In the local mag. He agreed.

Sorry, can I get a copy of that? It was on the Instagram feed. He's like, what the fuck? I'm going to make a few changes here. No, we can't allow any of that. Sorry. I have not signed this. Has to be read verbatim.

No. But he agreed to leave when the leaders of the army told him he lost their support as well. On November the 10th, the former emperor took a train across the board. So this is his story ends. He's like at the end of the empire of Germany. But he gets to live out his life. life. On November the 10th, the former emperor took a train across the border into the

Netherlands, which had remained neutral throughout the war. He eventually bought a manor house in the town of Dawn and remained there for the remainder of his life. Okay. All right. So he did okay. Yeah. I mean, in some ways. Yeah. Was that Wilhelm?

That's Wilhelm. So he did better than his cousin. Yes. Much better. Willie did better than Nicky. Willie and Nicky. So they wouldn't have been nice if they both just got exiled and they could keep sending them each other telegrams. I really, so I really feel for Nicholas.

I mean, I feel for everyone because I'm an empath. So the following, so this is the 10th of November. Remember, remember the 10th of November. Yes. Following day. Pretty important date, you might recall. Remember, remember the 11th of November? In Australia, it's called Remembrance Day.

Apparently, it's called Armistice Day elsewhere. It's also called, I think it's called Veterans Day in America. and they use it to remember all the major wars, I think, now. Anyway, according to history.com, this is why it's an important date. Germany agreed to harsh terms. Sorry, did I say, let me say that on the 11th of November, they signed an armistice agreement with the Allies, and they agreed to harsh terms.

The Germans agreed to pull their troops out of France, Belgium and Luxembourg, within 15 days or risk becoming prisoners of the Allies. They had to turn over their arsenal, including 5,000 artillery pieces, 25,000 machine guns and 1,700 airplanes. You know, they had great planes, and they, Dave, you'd tell us about a few weeks ago. That's right, but the Red Baron, he's long-dime of this time. That's right.

How many submarines I have to hand over? I don't know if that's handover submarines. Yeah, because the Allies were like, don't worry about it. You boats. Yeah, I don't want to fucking have to store. Always pictured boats in the shape of a U. Yeah. Always.

Even though I know that they're submarines. Is it underwater boat? Is that why it's called a U-boat? I think it's a German, long German word. Yeah, what is that word? Is it for underwater? Um, Brecht or something like that. Is it...

Dave, you want to look that up? Does it mean underwater? Probably. If it doesn't mean underwater, it's like, what the fuck is the point of submarines? Probably something like, under water? Because our languages have actually quite related. Prepare yourself, Jess. Oh, my God.

Uboat is an anglicized version of the German word you boot. A shortening of under sea boot. Under the sea. Unter sea boot. That's awesome. It's literally an underwater boat. I don't understand your trouble with it. I just think they're a bit silly.

I understand how you don't like accountants more than this, and I like accountants. They do fine work. I just think... I just think there's something that when you think too much about them, as I obviously have, you go, that's a bit silly. What do you think of fish? They're like underwater. Oh, my God.

Fish are dumb, aren't they? It's just things underwater. I don't like underwater. No, because you're only partially submerged. So, like, divers. Scoobber diving? I don't like it. Don't like it.

But snorkeling, fine. Okay, because you've got the pipe hanging out the top, maybe the back of your head. You come out every now and then go. Did you come across? That's an ice snorkeling. Yes, David. I don't know if you're going to talk about this. I just thought of it and I was like, better fact check that this thing I heard is actually correct.

The Compi and Wagon, where they signed the armistice. Oh, yeah, I did read about it. Yeah, it was it. Just to get there, they had to, they, you know, they had to telegram ahead and go, hey, we want to come and meet about a signing an armist. And they'd been talking about it for months. And then they, so they're driving through no man's land in France.

Like we've been through, you know, the barbed wire and massive craters in the ground and stuff is how I'm picturing it. And then they caught an overnight, they had to get into a French bus, then an overnight train. They were like traveling nonstop. And the politicians or the representatives of Germany who went there, no one really wanted to do it because they're going to like... And the guy who headed it, he ended up getting murdered by an extremist German group

within a few years, I think. Oh, shit. Just because he was the guy who was there who signed the deal. Wow. Or it had to be someone. Yeah. I just bring it up because So they signed in a train carriage

On November 11th, 1918 Yes And then it went into a museum Oh And then when Hitler came to power He said oh let's take it out of the museum And then when they invaded France in 1940 And Germany were victorious over France

Like they invaded parasol that sort of stuff He put the train back in exactly the same spot And made the French people sign the new agreement But with Germany victorious this time in exactly the same place as a power move. What a... I've said it before. Hitler's such a bitch.

What a bitch. He brought it out. It was like, well, I guess the glove is on the other foot. Unders see what. He, yeah, I mean, we don't mention, but he was, obviously he was fighting for the, I think, the Bavarian army or something during this war. Oh, shit, I didn't even think about that. Yeah.

I forgot Hitler was around. That's right. Yeah. I sort of feel like he just kind of appeared, you know? Yeah. Yeah, but he was a boy. Yes. He grew up and, yeah, it's funny.

He had dreams of being an artist and all this sort of stuff. So that's what they say. If he was better at art, the world would have been a very different place. If only he was better at art. You know, there people, this must be a concept of comics done before, but people are talking about, you said, see heaps of people do some version of the joke about go back and kill baby Hitler. We'd go back and give him art chittering.

No, just give him praise. Praise. So you want. Right. Tell him it's good. Who cares? Who cares? Mate, this is fantastic.

Wow. Yeah, you just take cash back and you set up a gallery and just. Yeah, buy all his work. Especially with inflation, if you took back 100 grand back then. They'd be like, what is this weird money? Oh, yeah. And there's no, like, you can't exchange it, can you? Well, you just, if you put it into a bank back then and then withdraw it from one of their ATMs.

Okay. Okay. Dave, we've solved it. Great. Change history for the better. So you're right, Dave. They're doing this on this carriage. It's an amazing.

Sorry, I just remember hearing that being like, what an asshole? Yeah, it's just like, man, what is this about? It's just like the belief that Germany deserves. Yeah. Like he added in his head. that it's a sort of it's, it had a right or a rike to be there, I guess. Pun King. So the list goes on about the things that have to give over.

5,000 trucks, 150,000 wagons. They also had to give up... 60,000 Big Macs. To go. Put a joke one in there, see if they do it. Oh, they did it. Pull out all the blue M&Ms. And they also agreed to the indignity of Allied forces,

European territory along the Rhine where they would stay until 1930. And that was seen as, you know, there were people in Germany. I'm guessing sounds like maybe Hitler was one of them who was like, this is a real kick in the teeth. So then a few months later, the war is now over, Boppa. It's done. Wow. But the aftermath. So people are celebrating.

Ending of war. That's good. People, a lot of people celebrating, but they're also like almost definitely loved ones. have died from everyone knows multiple people who have died in countries all around the world. So it's sort of celebrating, but it's also like, holy fuck, that was fucking hectic. Probably word for word what people said. Holy fuck. That was fucking ecic, eh?

Screw. Two months later, a conference was held at Versailles outside of Paris or Paris to work out the final peace treaty. But things didn't go smoothly. as the disparate allied powers attending the conference all wanted different things. Huh. So hang on. People who just been at war

are now coming together and they're like and they all want different things. It's funny, especially like Britain and France who've been enemies for so long. It's weird they don't want everything to go exactly the same as each other. Very strange. But it took a lot of negotiating

between the allies. They eventually agreed on a position. It's from history. another history.com article. In the agreement that was signed in June, vanquished Germany was forced to accept harsh terms, including paying reparations that eventually amounted to $37 billion.

Whoa! In 1918 money, or 1919 money, nearly $492 billion today. Shit. That humiliation and the lasting bitterness it engendered helped pave the way to another World War

two decades later. Wait, what? I think about two days later. That's it. We're invading. So, yeah. And I mean, I've, I feel like we all need a break,

listeners and us, probably, from the war stuff. But I'd be interested in doing maybe in a year or something, doing a similar sort of World War II series. Anyway, we'll let us know, listeners, if you, I imagine there's some of you where they're going, please, enough of the war.

Get back to your silly little. stories. Talking about down the track because I've learned so much. Well, the director of the History Channel is loving this. Keep it going. Well, speaking of, another History.com article continues. At the Paris Peace Conference in 1919, Allied leaders

stated their desire to build a post-war world that would safeguard itself against future conflicts of such devastating scale. Not super successfully. Some hopeful participants had even begun calling World War I the war to end all wars, which it's still known as now.

I know, but never, why do you do that? The unsinkable ship. Like, shut up! That's right. Shut up! Now we're definitely going to have way more wars. Exactly. Exactly.

And let me tell you, I think we did have a few more wars. Yeah, we had a couple. Yeah, and all these decisions that were made at this time have just set up the world for multiple more wars. almost non-stop fighting because before this there was hardly any it just doesn't really make a whole lot of sense

why we fight each other so much like because it's sort of like it's like getting into a fight with a sibling but you're like in the car on a long drive like you get over the fight but you still have to both sit next to each other you know like we can't move countries to a different planet we still have to all be next to each other and you're like

hope they don't seek revenge make me sit on the same train cart but I think I mean that says something right the Allies were too brutal to Germany after this and that's the common wisdom now if they if they did what old mate Woodrow said Woodrow Wilson

and were just made it like less of losers and winners and more just hey this is what we're going we're going for peace yeah because you can blow the world to pieces, but you can't blow the world to peace. Who's that from again? Michael Franty.

What kind of blow we're talking? Oh, you know what I'm talking about. Rack them up. Okay. You could do that to peace. I bet the Versailles Treaty signing. There would have just been, it's not really signed until everyone's done a line.

Sign on the dotted line and they're winking at each other. Someone's like, we all get it. I'm very careful. confused. Wait what? So yeah, so it was signed on June 28th, 1919, did not achieve these lofty goals. Saddled with war guilt, heavy reparations and denied entrance into the League of Nations. Germany felt tricked into signing the treaty, having believed any peace would be peace without victory as put forward by President Wilson in the 14-point speech from the year prior.

the one that was translated into German and all that everyone was reading. Oh yeah, they're like, oh yeah, cool. Sounds good. Because the other option was they didn't have to end the war. They could have just kept fighting and retreating back to Berlin, but they were also nervous that, you know, they wanted the war to end, but they also thought ending it now might have been a slightly more equal result.

But it just was like, they're like, nah, we win. and now you've got to wear a dress, you know. Yeah. Dance. Look funny. Hey, I'm going to give you a funny hat. You've got to wear a hat that says, I'm a loser. As the years passed, hatred of the Versailles Treaty and its authors settled into a smoldering resentment in Germany

that would two decades later be counted among the causes of World War II. I talked a little bit earlier about how China was in part of the war, partially to get an invite to this peace conference afterwards. And they did do that, but according to the Smithsonian, China was only given two seats at the Paris Peace Conference, whereas Japan had five. Since the latter had contributed combat troops, that's why they got the extra seats,

which is the thing that they didn't let China do. Right, but they essentially did do that. They just called them labourers. Well, they didn't, they weren't fight, they were digging trenches, they were fixing machines. They were, you know, that were... Laboring. Big part of the...

Yeah. There's all a lot of... troops do as well as that stuff. They just didn't hold weapons, I guess. Matters only devolved from there, and the Western powers ultimately awarded Shandong to Japan. China saw the move as a rejection of its demand to be recognized as an equal player in global politics and as an affront to its sovereignty. According to Professor Zhu, who we talked about before, China was deeply angry at the Versailles Treaty and was the only country at the post-war peace conference to refuse to put a signature on it. This article also

talking about this was a real turn fork in the road for China and but it rather than bringing him in to Europe and the world stage and being like democracy and all this sort of stuff potentially this is the time where they started moving the other way into what's it called what the thing whatever was this what's the thing they do now Reds Reds under the bed communism? Communism thank you I'm not sure which way you're going to describe their their political system well I think I think that's sort of the way it went. Yeah, sure.

Which I guess, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'm going off this little bit of an article. It's in their show notes. But yeah, that was interesting to me. It's like, so you're sort of saying if they just went at that time, they're like, China, welcome. Good to see you. Yeah. Baby.

Please. Take a seat. Take a loader. Like, who knows? But it's just an interesting idea that how many things change because of this meeting and how this meeting went, if Germany was brought into the League of Nations, would they, and weren't sort of made to feel so awful about losing and embarrassed, basically, they sort of got shamed a bit in that. And then they seeked their vengeance or they set up the possibility for them to do that.

Because it was, they got in so much debt that the people of Germany got poor, right? Like, they were really struggling because they were paying these billions of business. Yeah, right. After you've just lost a big war. That would have cost you. heaps. When the people are struggling, they're looking for scapegoats and answers and, you know, that's how, I guess, I'm talking like I know what I'm talking about. And I'm sure the listeners by now know that I do not, but sort of get what I'm maybe saying. I don't know. All right. Well,

just to finish off, let's finish on a high note. Here are some numbers about World War I casualties. Oh, God. History.com summarizes this. World War I took the lives of more than nine million soldiers, 21 million more were wounded civilian casualties numbered close to 10 million the two nations most affected were Germany and France obviously that Western Front was real bad each of which sent some 80% of their male populations

between the ages of 15 and 49 into battle now right 15 and 49 80% Wow Jesus The political disruption surrounding World War I also contributed to the fall of four venerable imperial dynasties, which we mentioned, but worth repeating, Germany, Austria, Hungary, Russia and Turkey.

The world was totally changed. In four years, it was just... Then there was all the technological advances and all sorts of things as well. Maybe that would have been a more positive thing to finish on, but anyway, that is the end of the epic two-parter about World War I. Yes. You did it, Matt. Well done.

They, and I mean, I said, It could not be done, and yet you did it. Yeah. How do you feel? Great work. I feel like I'm going to regret. I'm going to learn more in coming weeks and wish I put different things in, but I guess you can't have everything in there.

Why would you possibly return to reading about it? It's done. You know, when you Google a lot of things, my phone will start going. Here's an article about World War I. I'll be like, well, shouldn't read it, but I will. I probably will, yeah. Yeah, and obviously just hitting up the history channel wherever you can watch that. Oh, of course.

On the TV, probably. Probably. Yeah. So, I mean, there's all sorts of things we didn't talk about. Dave, you mentioned briefly before we started recording the Easter uprising in Ireland. I've put that up for the vote multiple times. I still feel like that'll be its own report one day. But, you know, a million other small stories.

But, yeah, it's just a... It's a real sad tale. And it's just amazing to think about how it's just this smallish group of people weren't quite able to sort out the differences and then didn't really learn lessons. And it happened all again 20 years later or whatever. Or not even 20 years later. Yeah. Just over 20 years later.

Yeah. That's as hard. For the people at home, we turned off the tape for half an hour and brought out the blackboard. got the avocas out. Yeah. No, I'm honestly impressed with your research there, Matt. I know you have basically read every article in History. History Channel.

If I could shout out one person who helped me through all of this, it would be Mr.History.com. Oh, what? Or misses. They do what they say on the 10. Yeah. What a resource. So that was really, really good.

Check out the show notes if you want to read a bunch of articles. but I mean, just use Google also as another option. Yeah, Google it yourself. But history.com is a, yeah, is so good. Don't make Matt to all the work for you. We find out this week that history.com is just, it's just a maid. Some guy's just typing nonsense out. I'm Mr.History.com.

That's really just one guy. It's one dude. Then, yeah, China had two seats. Japan had five seats. That sounds like something. Or something right. Versailles. I mean, that's a pretty funny sound in place.

That could be real. Train carriage, yeah, that'll come back. Yeah, that sounds pretty epic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. Well, I think that brings us to everyone's favorite section of the show, the fact, quote or question section.

And I think it has a jingle that goes somewhere like this. Fact quote or question. Ding. He always remembers the ding. The way to get involved in this is to go to petron. com slash to go on pod or do go on podcast. pod.com and sign up on the Sydney-Shonberg Deluxe Memorial Edition package level. There's about five levels, I think, at last count.

Who can keep up? And all sorts of different price points. Price ranges. Oh, this is the air-conditioning salesman coming through. I haven't been in the salesman game for a long time, but it's all coming back to me now. You never forget. I'll leave you with the brochure and call me if you got any questions. Thank you so much.

To start ABC. Always be. cuckin. Conditioning. Air be conditioning. You say that as you shake the hand and wink up. Another sale. Another job well done, Stuart.

So the supporters on there, they keep this show running, and we love them all individually and collectively. And you get all sorts of different bonuses. We're about to record a bonus episode straight after this, which will be out maybe already, actually. Yeah, it will be. You're able to get back and there's like 100 odd.

Well, what do I tell you? This is the 100th bonus episode. Oh, there you go. And they are still available. So if you want to, you know, you got a long drive coming up. One out of two or one podcast. Some of our best ever episodes are in there as well, I reckon. Jeff the Talking Mongoose.

The 9-0-4 Olympic Marathon. The Kill Dozer. The Kill Dozer. The history. of the nanny. The Power Rangers curse. Oh, the Power Rangers curse, that's right. So many great stories.

It was something about, was there a foot mystery of feet washing up? Oh yeah, the Salish Sea Foot Mysteries where lots of feet have washed up on the west coast of Canada and North USA. And we've just put, the most recent episode, like a report was about the Iceplock Expedition of 1959. Oh, that's right. Yeah, great. where a Norwegian company decided to, basically for a publicity stunt, transport a 3,000 kilo block of ice from the Arctic Circle through the Zahara Desert and down into modern day Gabon onto the equator without refrigeration.

Amazing. I want to see if their insulation was up to the test. That was a great one. It was awesome. I think the one I laughed, maybe the time I laughed the most last year was, the Ziegfried and Roy at bonus episode. Oh, that's right.

They had, they had a wild, you know, life story. There's D&D, we did a D&D campaign. Anyway, there's a lot of,

a lot of stuff on there. Go check it out. But the reward you get, as well as those bonus episodes on the Sydney-Shaunberg level, is you get to give us a factor quote or a question. First up,

we've got Brett, Brett, bless you, Wall. his nickname from me. Brett, bless you all, who's given himself a different nickname, the man with the condom eating dog.

Oh, no. I think I know this guy, Brett. I've spoken to your mum. All right. About the condom eating dog? Yes. What? I wonder if this will explain it.

Just in case he does. I'll read it out first, and if he does and I'll explain it. Brett's asked a question. His question is, Hey, everyone. At the beginning of 2020, my dog ate a used condom of, he is going to explain it. Yeah, he's going to explain it.

My dog ate a used condom of mine. Bragg. What did you use it for? Be specific. Okay, that was a weird request there, Dave. But imagine if it was for something like, all right, so I'd run out of that little funnel thing that you used to put, you know, cream on tops of a cake. Yeah. So I put a little pinhole in the bottom.

They were expired anyway. because I haven't used to him in so many years. So at the beginning of 2020, my dog had a used condom of mine, and it was very upsetting whenever it threw it up in front of my mom. When it? Whenever. Yeah. Did it happen multiple times?

Was this like a regular meal for your dog? It's not feeding your dog condoms. He said, I ended up getting Matt to do a cameo for her just to cement the moment in our lives. So cameo is the, like, it's like this app where people can get me or and others. Celebrities. Well, yeah, me or celebrities. The soup nazis on there as well. Other celebrities like Matt Stewart.

Yeah, other big deals. To do a message. And I had to message his mom and apologize to her for him. That's very good. That's a good use of technology. He says, my mom is the greatest person in my life. She's also a huge fan of the show. Oh, that's cool.

I wanted to start 2021 the same way we started 2020 with you guys. Can you please say hello to my mom, Lisa Lee, and tell her how awesome she is. She doesn't know about this, so I'm hoping it will be a good surprise. Thanks. Hey, Lisa Lee. Hi, Lisa. Lisa was so funny because she then got me to do a return message. Oh, my God.

Do these two ever talk to each other? The return message was, it was something like, get a job. job and move out. It was so fun. Very good. Classic mum gear. Yeah, actually, I believed it. I wonder if that was true.

What a way to find out. Hey, mate, sorry to be the one I have to tell you this, but you are getting kicked out of home. Move out. You've got three months. So, hello once again, Lisa Lee. You rule Lisa Lee. Sorry that happened.

But it seems like you're both in pretty good spirits about it. It sounds like you got a pretty cool son if you know, no man. And you're a cool mum. Yeah, wow. Oh, you mean cool something because he had sex. And yeah, and what a cool dog. Gross. Because all dogs are cool.

That's true. I just hope the dog was, was the dog okay? Do you know that? I think my dog would be a real nerd. Pardon? I think my dog would be, I don't think he'd be very cool. Your dog's a nerd. Yeah.

No condoms for your dog. No condoms for him. He's never getting laid. Raw dog in it. Is that where it comes from? Thank you, Brett Wall. Thank you, Lisa Lee. The next one comes from Michael Derrissy.

He's given himself the title of Junior Chief Pencil Pursher. And he's also asking a question. I like it. Oh, this is interesting. Especially considering who was meant to be doing the report this week. Michael asks, oh, hang on. Yeah, I've given him his title. Michael asks, can you guys get Naomi Higgins or Danielle Walker to guest host on the pod after the pandemic?

Thanks. genuinely she was booked in to do tonight Naomi. Naomi that was yeah. The World War one episode was initially going to be one long one and then Naomi couldn't end up doing it and I'm like

I can I can make it a double and then in the last since we recorded the first one I yeah really expanded into probably almost was getting towards me and it would be three weeks but yes

We definitely can. Naomi will be hopefully doing a report soon. Sometime soon, yeah, for sure. Yeah. Great request there, Michael. We'd love to have Danielle on as well. She has moved to Sydney, which makes it a little bit harder, but not impossible. I didn't know that. Damn.

Yeah, she just moved a couple months ago. We lost her. I know. Lost another good one. She'll be back. This one comes from Jordan Nassie, who wrote, firstly giving himself the title of The one who makes sure Dave remembers the ding and purveyor of fucked facts. Oh, dear.

Here we go. Ding! Here is Jordan's fact. Oh, I don't like how this starts. Sorry, this is very long and very fucked. I don't like either of those things. Oh, dear. The attack of the dead men was a battle.

Oh, it's a World War I battle. That works. The attack of the dead men was a World War I battle that took place at the Osawake or Osavake fortress in northeast Poland. The German soldiers were waiting for the air to pick up before launching a gas attack of the unsuspecting Russian combatants. When they did attack, the invasion began with artillery bombardment combined with chlorine gas. These gases are some of the things I didn't really go into, but I think everyone decided

after it. We're not going to do any of those gas stuff. Any again? The Germans attacked with 14 battalions of infantry, sappers, siege guns and artillery. The Russians had around 900 men defending the fortress. Most of the Russian soldiers had either no mask or poorly made gas masks that would soon prove to be no help at all when the Germans attacked with the fumes. The Russians had zero protection.

Because the gas mixed with the water in the air and the water in the lungs of the Russian defenders, the Russian soldiers didn't just choke on the gas. It turned the chlorine into hydrochloric acid, which began to melt their lungs and throw, of the soldiers. A skin beyond a peel, resulting in the entire fortress scrambling to halt their decomposition with red rag. Oh man. Blood and skin soaked the earth, plans and birds lay dead in the field.

Tree leaves turned brown. The grass became black, and men outside the fort died shortly while the gas entered their respiratory system dissolving their lungs and literally started melting them from the inside out. around 100 of the now furious and dying Russian soldiers survived. The Russians not only stood their ground, but they also prepared a counter strike all while falling apart. History reveals that around 100 soldiers remain to stave off the 7,000 German soldiers

as they advanced on the fort. Holy shit. So they ended up holding them off. Wow. That is a, like you said. That's a fucked fact. Very fucked. Very fucked fact.

But you are a purveyor of such things. Yeah, so we would expect nothing less of you. Okay, and finally this week, this one comes from Nathan Damon. Well, good luck following that, Nathan. Well, he's got the title of Dugan's number one ticket holder, and he's given us a quote, and it's nice and short. Not many people give quotes. I'm excited about this, Nathan.

Definitely the lowest amount, I reckon. All right. The quote is, right place at the right time, and that quote is from Andrew Gaze on Matt Your Heroes. That was Andrew Gays how he justified his career. Guess it was just in the right place, the right time. He played at the top level for 20 years or something. Yeah, right players, right over.

It's all about who you know. No, I think you're incredibly good. I'm a really good networker. Yeah. You've got records across all lines in Australian basketball. I actually just got discovered in a food course. Right place, right time. I was just like, you know, throwing a drink into a,

have been and so on said hey you could do that for the next 20 years come with me come with me it's it's funny because like even then you still have to do it yeah bit of luck so humble he's so humble yeah what a legend what a bloody legend that's great how does it feel to be uh for one of your projects to be quoted in the fact quite a question that means a lot how does it feel to be Andrew Gays's best friend. Yeah, how's that feel? That feels very good too. Wow.

Do you reckon he'd come to my birthday party? Can you bring Andrew Gays to Jess's birthday party and then I can meet him, assuming I'm invited as well? No. I got someone at the gig tonight, you know, Matt Hardy, he's a Aussie comic and Saints fan. He was at the gig tonight. And Saints fan. He's like written a book about the Saints and...

But at the gig tonight, he came after he goes, you're the guy that we interviewed Frankie Peckett. I'm like I am That was fun That's nice Yeah Because he's like

He's like He's one of his favourists as well I'm like that's sick Love your taste Big Yeah And a beautiful friendship was formed And then he saw me bomb

Yeah Nah Then he saw me do fine Yeah Come on Let's be Come on Let's be truthful here

And I slunk out It went fine Which is honestly An absolute win Yeah And there's times. Yeah.

No one's crushed in these times. I've not bombed since COVID. I think of it for me. Have you crushed? Have you crushed? Yeah. Matt. Yeah.

Matt. Yes. I'm not talking about. And I'm... And I'm... And I'm... Jess, and I'm humble. Wow.

He's really crushed. All right. Well, that takes us to the point where we thank a few of our other great supporters on Patreon. Maybe on the ass prod level. Yes! I say DB Cooper every time and you always correct me. It's asked prod.

Well done. There's no need for me anymore. Bye guys. And you just like go up into the sky. I ascend. Jess, you know when we come with a little game based on the report last week? Dave gave everyone a superpower country. That's right.

I don't think we'll do that. I think in the end it wasn't really the superpowers. He was just naming belligerents. I mean, we ran out of superpowers. Well, what could it be this week? You never did Austria-Hungary. What could it be? What could it be?

Um, um, um, what was, uh, what about, um, it's a hard one. Yeah, I'm just trying to think. There were no fun nicknames in there I could think of it. Yeah, well, because I'm not really going into the individuals or that much. It's more like an overhead sort of thing. What about their nickname if they were in the royal families then? Yes. We've got Nikki Willie.

Nicky Willie. Okay. Yeah, love it. What their cousins would call them in a telegram. Yeah, they're sort of. Starting off being like, yours truly. Nicky. Okay.

I mean, that is going to end up being a lot of their actual nicknames. But see how we go with this. All right. kicking off first from Ridgecrest in California in the United States. Samantha Martino. Because we can't just go Sammy, can we? Ricky. Ricky.

Because Ricky Martin. Oh, Ricky Martino. Yeah, yeah. That's good. What are you seeing in there, Maddie? Ricky don't lose that number. Ah. I don't know what it is.

Is it from that band you mentioned last week? Foreigner? No. Brick it out. Is that... Isn't that... Are you thinking Phil Collins? No, that's a...

Susu Studio. Stealy Dan. I know. I had that in my head because I watched John Mulaney tell a story on some late-night show where he goes to see Steely Dan every year. And I'm like, do I know any silly dance songs? And I looked up and I knew a lot of them.

One of them was Ricky Don't Who's the Number? Oh, okay. In my defense, Phil Collins does have a song called Billy. Don't you lose my number. That's very, very different, Dave. Embarrassingly. Very different, Dave. Gensually flipped there.

He really went Italian there. Billy, don't you lose my number? Oh, yes. But now that I found you. Yeah, they're different songs. What a world we live in. I think I've just figured that out together. So Ricky, Samantha, Ricky Martino.

Hey Ricky, just dropping you a line. Yeah. Let's not start a big deal over this. Yeah. Yes, I'm mobilising my army along the border of your house. But just chill, girl. I'd also love to thank from Houston, Texas in the United States, Norman Paz. Oh, love that.

What about Norman? I mean, now we're just keeping. nicknames, but it's going to be better than you're right, rather to say Normie. Yeah. Normie, Normie's not a good nickname. Normie, the dispenser, Paz. Yeah, the Paz dispenser. Yes, I was thinking of the same thing.

Come on. Love that. The dispenser. Yours truly, the dispenser. Yeah, maybe we'd give them their soldier nickname. The dispenser. So are we sticking with Ricky for Samantha? Yes.

Ricky's good. That's a good name. What was Ricky Martin's big song? Living the Vita Loka. killing Lovita Loka. See, it becomes an army thing. Wow. And finally for me, I'd love to thank from Kingsville in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia.

Beck Taylor. Beck Taylor, the seamstress. Oh, okay. I like that. Like Taylor. Oh, okay. I didn't actually, didn't get that, but I really like it. And what does that mean war like?

How is that? Why does it have to be war? Maybe she was... She was actually fixing tents or something. Yeah, or like their uniforms. Uniforms have to be made at some point, don't they? They don't just appear? I thought she was maybe like cutting the enemy up and then stitching them back together.

Yeah. Or like she could kill them in the night with like a pair of like knitting needles. Yes. Beck, that's pretty sick actually. That's actually weird. And I mean that in a bad way. Yeah. It's not good.

That's actually gross. Put it away back. Beck. Can I thank some people as well? Please. I would love to. thank from Kerr Lewis in Victoria. I don't know where that is.

Ker Lewis. I'd love to thank Julian McMahon Hyde. Oh, Julian McMahon Hyde. The brown bear. The grizzly bear. Grizzly bear. Oh, okay. Hyde.

Okay. Yes. You know, going into... Hybernation. Hyderation. Hibernation. Yes. But you got grizzly bear and that's a cool name.

Yeah, that's great. That's really good. So who cares? Who cares? So who cares that the justification starts. Don't testify. Who cares that you're fumbling. No nickname is a good story.

It just sounds good. Don't about it. Sorry, guberra. Love that, yeah. Julian, thank you so much. It's called grizzly. Grizzly. I do like, yeah, grizzly bear.

I like that. I would also love to thank from MA. Massachusetts. Massachusetts. And so I was looking at that word originally thinking if it's English, it's going to be like Worcester. But if it's American, it's going to be like Worcester. There's

There's, uh... And his Massachusetts! Yes. And I would love to thank Joy Flanagan. Joy Flanagan. That's a good name.

Joy Flanagan. Uh, oh, okay. Yep. No, you're right. You... Well, I'm thinking because her name's Joy, yeah.

It would be, there'd be some kind of... What do you think of... No, no, no. I'm just thinking if you're on my page here, yeah, there'd be some kind of... So it's sort of like how redheads would get called blue. I think if her name's joy,

it's going to be something about sadness. Yeah, right. Glum. Glammy. Glamy. Oh, bloody, glummy's here. My name is Joy. Glummy's in the building.

Let's go. My instinct was, I was going to say, the fiddler. I don't know why. Flanagan just felt Irish. Yeah, okay. But I think glummy is better. Joy, glummy Flanagan. Glummy.

Glummy is better? Glummy sounds good. Does it? Does it? Does glummy? Sound good. I was going to be Joy the Nurse Flanagan, because on Pokemon, remember there was Nurse Joy. Oh.

No, Dave. Do you not remember that? No. Do you not remember that? I've had sex. Have you? Yes. There was one called like Squidgey or something, but that's all I remember.

Squidgey Mon. Squiggy. Squiggy one and Squiggy two? Finally, for me, I would love to thank from Kings North in Great Britain, Emma Hargraves. Emma Hargraves. Oh, so the Hargroves fan. families in the Umbrella Academy. So they've all got great names.

What about the, I'm trying to remember any of them. Yeah, I can't think of any of their names. They're like, V. Something comes to V. Yeah, Vanya. Vanya. But she's the white violin.

Yes. You know, they've all got a nickname as well. Uncle Vanya. It's a check off play. But it sounds good. Uncle Vanya is a nickname. All right. Uncle, Emma, Uncle Vanya Hargrave.

Love that. Okay. Yeah, I love a baffling nickname. Yeah. It's a good conversation starter. Oh, why do they call you Uncle Vanya? Well, funny story, actually. Boring story, actually.

Let me take you through it. So it started with the assassination of art to be Franz Ferdin. So, Anya, Uncle Vanya. Ongia, Vanya. I would like to thank you a couple of people. To bring us home now from Marte-Troville or Maitreville in New South Wales,

Blake Utimo. Ah, the shark. Blake, Flake. Yes. The shark. The shark. The shark. I mean, not the only thing.

Probably shares the Great Norman. We could swing. Long dong. Huge dong. Congrats, Blake. Love to get nude. Why wouldn't you? With a dog like that?

Jesus, Blake. Not your value, Blake. It's really late here. I'm so sorry. Jess, is it his value? No, of course not. I'm sorry that we said you had a big dong. It doesn't matter.

matter, not your value. Unless you do, in which case, congrats. But if you don't, it doesn't matter. It only matters if you do. Good on you. But if you don't, don't worry about it. But if you do, all righty, buddy boy. If you do.

No worries at all. Blake is also, that's a unisex name. Maybe you don't have a dong at all. And it's really, to be honest, none of our business. It's not. Whether or not you have a dong. And either way, you've got a sick nickname. The Shark.

Yeah, the shark is also very gender neutral. Blake lively, I think is the only... Yeah. Blake is generally... I don't know many Blake's. Great name. Great name. Love it.

I want to see more Blake's in the world. So get that big dong going. We need more blakes out there. Oh, God. I'll move on swiftly. I would love to thank... Not swift enough, though. I'd love to thank from...

From Berlin in in Germany, we would like to thank Shockery, Francis Raeuf. Hey, Shokri, I feel like Shokri's been around with us for ages, but... The jock. Oh, the shock Jock, yeah, that's great. The shock, the jock's a good, that's good. The jock's good. The jock, the strap.

And what's inside the jock, anyway, we're moving on. Shockery, the jock. Inside the jock is a large dong. Yeah, that's what I was trying to move on from. I know. Shokri. Let's bring it back. Appreciate you a lot.

Bring it back. And your large dong. Bring back the dong. All these people have large dongs, can we just say. And finally, I'd love to thank from Dear Park here in Victoria. Tom Murray. The Dong. Tom the Dong Murray.

Tom the Dong Murray actually works. Why they call you the dong? Funny story, actually. That's great. Dear Park, that's also in Melbourne town. Somewhere, I think, out in the west. So we're not that far away from the Dong. No.

Yeah, it's pretty exciting. You're never too far away from the Dong, as is its size. It's that big. It's never far away. Well, do we have any members for the Triptitch Club tonight? Yes, we have a lot. Oh, great. So, Dave, you warmed up.

I mean, I'll quickly explain, I guess, the Triptitch Club. Dave's only saying great because he's got to come up with gold for each of you. So if you have signed up and supported us on the shoutout level for three straight years, you get welcomed into the Triptitch Club.

I'm standing at the door. I've got the clipboard. I got the guest list. I got the velvet rope ready to lift it for you as we tick you off. I'll say your name. Then Dave hipes you up. He's your hype man. Hell yeah. Everyone comes in the Trip Ditch Club feeling good. And if you're not feeling good,

Dave will make you feel good. Dave obviously needs to be kept up. And Jess does that with her hyping skills. Jess has also come up with a... You actually have quite a bit to do, Jess. An hors d'oeuvre and a drink. Thank you for noticing. I actually do a lot of the heavy lifting at this fucking club.

I'm just standing with the guest list and I'm sort of schmoozing. You didn't even print that list yourself, mate? Yeah. It's on the iPad. Come on. It's not even hard. Anyway, yeah. Well, last we've...

We had rations this week. Please tell me. We're out of rations. We went too hard on the ration. We were too hard on the ration. We really should have rationed though. Bit of self-control people. Fucking how.

So there won't be anything. But we've got every other drink in a... Oh yeah, no. Fully stocked bar and fridge. I mean, we have a kitchen with six dozen chefs. Yeah. It's really no problem. And they all specialise in hors d'oeuvs.

Yeah. And each week we put on a couple more because we got more guests. Dave, you always be. book a band. Who have you got this week? We have got Phil Collins featuring Steely Dan both playing their My Number song at the same time. And it's honestly, it's honestly

seamless. But it's also like Silent Disco, so you can pick whichever My Number song you're going to listen to. And we should also have Foles on the other stage playing their My Number song. Great, we should. But, I mean, you booked the line up, did you organise it? Why are you telling us

what we should have? Yeah. Is that what we do have or is that what we should? We should have had. We do have. Yes, here they are now. Wonderful. Foles. All right, Dave.

There's literally... There's so many, Dave. I was Jules Holland there. Oh, my God, Dave. There are 14. Fuck off. I'll help. I'll help.

Is that serious? Yeah. All right. You ready? No. Dave. I need a bit of water here. Dave, they're all been waiting three years.

No fopping off. Three years of my life has also been building to this moment. Yeah. I reckon you're ready for this. Oh, man. Just looking down the list of names. You got a lot. a lot of gold to work with here.

Oh, don't say that. The least natural hype man, Matt. I know. He ruins the momentum. Hey, let's switch roles one week and I will. Do you want to do it this week? Let's do it this week.

I said one week. Not this week. It's 14. All right, you ready, Dave? You want to. Come on, Dave. Yes, I fucking need you. You can do this.

All right. First up, from Forked River in New Jersey. It's Marcos Vasquez. Wow, there was a fork in the road. And you chucked. the right side. Yes. We're off and rolling, baby.

From Luton in Great Britain. It's singly named Will. Well, you've been looting all the bars of all the great people and you've brought your good self here to our club tonight. Yes. All right, slow start, but we'll keep going. Will there's a way. You don't need commentary, Matt.

We just need momentum. Keep going, please. I just want them to get the welcome they deserve. Shut the fuck up. From Lonseston in Cornwall, Great Britain, It's George Francis Crossed a gorge to get here tonight But George Francis is here

I don't understand but Gorge is almost George, it's almost the same word But I mean how is that hyping them up To say this crossed a gorge Yeah but it was a perilous journey And he's made it Jesus

Jesus From the woodlands in Texas In the United States It's Morgan Clark Oh we're out of the woodland and into the club. Good Morgan. From Rabina in Queensland.

That doesn't make sense. Where's this place from? From Rabina in Queensland. You know her well because she gave you some books that you've used for bookcheat. It is Tegan Longman. Well, it's been a long night. But it's also going to be a great night. Yay!

War in the world! Shout out. From Henderson in Nevada in the United States, it's Tiger Lapira. Well, what's thought I was? More of a lion man. But tonight I'm a Tiger man. Yes. What?

Is they named really Tiger? That's going to. That's fucking badass. I mean, it sounds like Tiger, Tiger Lapira. It's great. It sounds like it. Yeah, no, it sounds like, I really thought he was going to do so like, there was

then there was no tiger and all of a sudden a tiger Laper Oh that's good That's actually good To be fair You have so much more time to think about it Also you can For the people at home

I do not see them written down at all I just hear the name And react to it It probably would be better in hindsight If I had it written down in front of me But anyway From London in Great Britain It's Augie M

Augie March It's Augie March Augie March Right into our Club tonight. Yeah. From Singleton in New South Wales, it's Jonathan Wheelhouse.

You're not going to be single too much longer. Jonathan Wheel. Also, he's in our wheelhouse. Sometimes I just latch onto the place name because it gives me that extra one second extra. You just let all these great names swing by and you're going off like... Because if I leave it to the name,

what happens is if I don't get one, I'm like, well, fuck, now I've got nothing. I'm like five seconds of silence. Woo, wheelhouse. Yeah. From, oh, we're on the home stretch here. From Garland in Texas, it's Josh Harmon. Oh, we ain't in Kansas anymore.

Judy Garland. Yeah. I was hoping you'd do a Garland. Thank you. From Sacramento and California, it's Jacoby, Austin, De Angel. Oh, Jacoby. Jacob. How have I gotten that wrong after so long?

They call him the Jacoby Bryant of this club. Yes. And the Angel, I always get it all wrong. at all up there. No, no, that's right. Jacoby to Angel. Do you want me to do it other way around?

Give you more time on the name. Leran Bromberg from Philadelphia in the United States. Fun fact about Lerun Bromberg. Every now and then, I get a word, a name or a phrase just stuck in my head. And last year, there was a week

where I'd seen Leran comment on something on Patreon in the Facebook group. And throughout the week, I just kept thinking, Lear and Bromberg. Leran Bromberg. Lerum Bromberg's here tonight. If that doesn't hype you up, you're dead inside.

Yeah, got me telling you that, hey, I think about you. I thought about your name a lot for about a week in mid-2020 when everyone was losing their minds. That's so nice. And my thing was Lerum Brumberg. Lerum-Brumberg. Great name. I love it. Richard Lloyd from London, Great Britain.

Oh, sorry, I thought it was going to be more there. Richard Lloyd. Dickie Lloyd. What are we thinking? From London. Yeah, I got... Lloyd's Bank in London. Oh, wow.

I felt rich. I thought I was a rich man. But then you came and now I feel even richer. Richard Lloyd's Bank. See, Matt? Set me up there. I was switching it around and made it harder. I think it has something out.

Okay. Go back to the original. How many more we got? Two more. Two more. From Tom's River, New Jersey. It's Kayla. Hodkiewitz.

Hodkowitz. Hodkowitz. Kailer. Hodkiewicz. Kayla, never failer. Oh, that's, hey, now we're hitting our stride. Thank you. Should we go back to the top?

Yeah, start again. Here we go. And finally, from High Wickham in Western Australia, it is Chris Potts. This night was going to be low Wickham, but now it's High Wickham. Yeah. What would you have done with pots, anyone?

Some pots and pans. I'm going to make a real racket tonight. Get out the pots. now it is hard isn't it Yeah I don't know What are you start doing it Also it is 1215 after midnight

We're doing this We're talking up to telling people It's so late And they're like 1215 We're picturing like 4 a.m. All of a sudden you sound like a real virgin Well I did a 10 hour shift today

You got to get up in about You know six or seven hours For another 10 hour shift So Yeah right That's a fair girl Lerun Bromberg. So that brings to the end of this episode.

Thanks everyone for tuning in, Dave. Beat this baby home. Hey, we've had some laughs, we've had some times. We've learnt about a dark period in history. But I honestly feel I know a lot more about World War I now. So thank you, Matt, for bringing that to our attention. But we will bring this chapter to a close next week. It'll be either myself or maybe Naomi, who knows,

we'll be back with another episode, probably not related to World War I. Probably. No guarantees. Well, unless Naomi accidentally. picks one. If it's me in charge, I promise it won't be. But if you want to get in contact with us, you can go to do go onpod.com and find links

to our Patreon, our merchandise, our Facebook, Instagram and Twitter pages, which are all at Do Go On Pod. And you can also, of course, buy tickets to our live podcasts in March and April. Four of those. We've got primates on sale now that we just announced at the top of the show. Book cheat. Matt's doing a stand-up show. All that stuff will be linked in the description.

of this episode. But until next week, I'll say thank you so much. And goodbye. Later. Bye. Before the first one, you did three breaths in without a breathe out. Do you notice that? You were like, because you're about to go and then you had a thought and you breathe in again.

And then I passed out. I put this at the end. Anyway, all right. I'm thinking about breathing in now. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there. Wherever we go, we always hear six months later, oh, you should come to Manchester. We were just in Manchester.

But this way you'll never miss out. And don't forget to sign up, go to our Instagram, click our link tree. Very, very easy. It means we know to come to you and you'll also know that we're coming to you. Yeah, we'll come to you. You come to us. Very good. And we give you a spam-free guarantee.