Do Go On - 301 - History's Silliest Duels

Episode Date: July 28, 2021

I demand satisfaction, and challenge you to listen to this episode! U.S. Presidents, U.K. Prime Ministers, artists, writers and a man who liked to get naked have all been challenged to duels. Whether their choice of weapon was a hot air balloon or a set of billiard balls, this episode is dedicated to history's silliest duels.Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: patreon.com/DoGoOnPodWatch our 300th episode recorded live at Stupid Old Studios (with an extra quiz, and also 16 other episodes with bonus content): https://sospresents.com/authors/dogoonGet a ticket to our show at the Great Australian Podcast Festival on Nov 6: https://www.livenation.com.au/greataustralianpodcastfestivalFor tickets to Matt's Live Taping at Stupid Old Studios: https://www.mattstewartcomedy.com/ Buy tickets for our screening of The Mummy on September 10: https://www.lidocinemas.com.au/mummy Check out our AACTA nominated web series: http://bit.ly/DGOWebSeries​ Check out Matt’s Beer show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej4TUguJL58 Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/Submit-a-Topic Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amarna, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there.

Canada, we are visiting you in September this year. If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal, and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. And welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dave Warnocky and as always I'm here with Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart.

Hello Dave. Oh, big. Big inhale. I'm just going to exhale. The whole episode. One big exhale. I challenge you. Oh, now that made me need to yawn.

I took too much air in. Anyway, hello. And I'm running at a deficit because I breathed out without breathing in. Oh no. We've really started at a weird place. I'm never going to catch up. I had hiccups moments before we hit record. Yeah. Who knows where I'm at?

God, we're a mess. Why do you people listen to this? It's rubbish. Three unprofessional fools. Well, before we get to our usual rubbish, we've got to tell you that we've got some shows coming up. We are doing our screening of the mummy in Melbourne, the Lido Cinemas on Friday, September the 10th.

Only very small amount of tickets available. We'd love to, of course, show the mummy to you and then talk about the mummy to you in podcast form. Have we got our tickets yet? I don't want to miss out. Oh, my gosh. Oh, no. Who said they were going to book him?

Dave, you said you were going to get them. Well, we'll end up sitting next to the projectionist upstairs, which is actually pretty cool. That's sick, actually. Yeah. And we're also being part of the Great Australian Podcast Festival, And that is a big Saturday night show, Saturday, November the 8th, at the fantastic Palais Theatre. Oh, so good.

Hallowed ground. And even sooner than that, tomorrow, if you're listening to this podcast live, on the 29th of July, I'm taping a stand-up show at the stupid old shit is at this very building. Dave's going to be there. I'll be there. Just put in the calendar. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. And

I'm putting it in right now. You get tickets via Matt Stewartcom and it would be so good to see you there. What a pleasure it would be. Honestly, a big, big pleasure. You get to sit next to me,

maybe. One or maybe two of you will get that privilege. Dave will be at the back next to the projectionist. The cinematic extravagance of Matt Stewart comedy. I'm also coming to Perth

to do a show next month, I believe. I should check that. But, I mean, you can. The details are at matschewatcom. And use the discount code for both those. Do go on. I might be there as well.

Yeah, come with. No promises. That's nice. We'll go get ice cream after. All right, I actually am looking forward to it now. You guys. It's going to be great fun. I look forward to just having the house to myself.

Well, we're away from a mansion. Well, we've got to record an episode. now with Jess. What does that mean we're going to do? That means we're going to turn on the microphones, sit in front of them, pop on our headphones and have a little bit of a chat. And what I mean by that is that one of the three of us has gone away, researched a topic, often suggested by a listener. They bring that research back to the other two who listen but often interrupt with

quips and witty commentary or sometimes say, sorry, I wasn't listening. And this week... I never apologize. And this week it is Dave's turn to report on a topic. And Dave, we usually start with a question. 301 episodes in, why break with tradition? Here is a question and that is... Here is a riddle.

Let's do for the next 300. Really complex puzzles. We can never get to the topic. That I will get very frustrated by. If you don't get it, I'm just not going to read this report. We just have to go home and you miss out. Put it in the bin. My question is, if I demand.

satisfaction from you. What would I be challenging you to? It is a duel. That's exciting. When you were talking riddles and stuff, I thought maybe hypotenuse, is that something? Some of all sides. Triangles. Something like that.

Yes. Like, I was really looking forward to a hypotenuse podcast, but a jewel, I'm even more intrigued. You'll take jule? This week's topic is simply history's silliest jewels. Oh, that's great. Voter four by our Sydney-Shineberg level of Patreon supporters. And often we find it's very close up at the top. You have two options that get a very similar amount.

Often one or two votes separates it. Not this case. This was an absolute landslide, 180% of the vote. Whoa. I mean, jewels just as a concept are pretty silly. Yeah. So the silliest ones, I think we're going to have a bit of fun today. I guess my question to you is, have either of you ever fought a duel?

Like pistols at dawn sort of jewel? No. No, not that kind of jewel. But it sounds like there might be a type of jewel that you have fought. I actually had a fist fight with a singer jewel. And so in that way, I did fight a jewel. And, well, I mean, she fought me. It was pretty embarrassing.

I got absolutely slaughtered. And I had a falling out with an emerald. Man, I'm so glad you made that reference because this is the opening line of my report and we are on the exact same level. This is how I was going to start. The Oxford English Dictionary defines Jewel as a 90s American singer-songwriter

with an obsession with her hands being her own. My hands are small I know. Same level, 300 weeks in this small room together. But have you referenced Emeralds at all. Yes, the next reference is an emerald is defined. Well, there you go.

No, the next sentence is a duel is defined as an arranged engagement in combat between two people with matched weapons in accordance with agreed upon rules. Starting in the Middle Ages, European nobles had defended their honour in man-to-man battles. An early version of dueling was known as

judicial combat, which was named so because God allegedly judged the man the right and let him win. Oh, that makes sense. So, yeah, God gave him a faster hand. Yeah. Or whatever. Was it always guns?

No. Fencing? It did start with swords. At first, the jewels were fought with swords, but then pistols became the weapon of choice for most jewels, which meant from that point on, they became... Would have been awful to be in the crossover period. You're still bringing knives to gunfight.

That's probably where the same game from. Probably, yeah. Don't do it. Early jewels. Never bring a gun to a gun to a gunfight. look like an idiot. What, do I say the right thing then? I think so.

Okay, great. Yeah, I think so. To me it sounded like you said, never bring a dump to a dumb part. Yeah, I thought I might have said something like that. Can we check the tape? We don't have time. There's simply no time.

Jules were also seen as a good way to stop people from killing each other in the heat of passion. Amazingly, it was seen as the sensible alternatives. Yeah. Because it meant that you had to like walk away. think about it Come back 10 paces

Yeah 10 paces is a You know It's a decent amount of Thinking time Yeah You get to 10 paces You turn around and go

Actually not Yeah You know what You know what I think you're right I'm sorry So despite it being seen as Things were said

Poh Well now you shot me I'm pissed on So it's seen as the Sensible alternative, but despite this numerous authorities, including heads of state and the Catholic Church, banned dueling, often with very little effect. Arrests were infrequent, judges and juries were loath to convict.

The only dueling I like to do is banjos. Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. But a ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. But it wasn't just a complete... Never bring a banjo to a gunfight. It wasn't just a complete... free-for-all. In 1777, a group of Irishmen codified dueling practices in a document called the Code Duello. This document contained 26 specific rules outlining all aspects of the jewel.

And just to give you an example of the language, because it is quite complex. Rule 5 is, as a blow is strictly prohibited under any circumstances among gentlemen, no verbal apology can be received for such an insult. The alternatives, therefore, the offender handing a cane to the injured party to be used on his own back at the same time begging pardon, firing on until one or both are disabled, or exchanging three shots and then asking pardon without proffer of the cane. So you really, you can't talk it out. No.

So if you punch someone, you can't be like, hey, I'm really sorry. You either bend over and give him a cane or you say, all right, you shoot me, then I'll shoot you, then I'll apologise. Okay, that is complicated. So wait, so if you hit first and then actually I feel bad about that, you have. You have to let them hit you with a cane. Or shoot you. Shoot you.

With a cane. Okay. If swords are used, the parties engaged until one is well bloodied, disabled or disarmed, or until after receiving a wound and blood being drawn, the aggressor begs pardon. Okay. Rule number 10 was any insult to a lady under a gentleman's care or protection to be considered as, by one degree, a greater offence than if given to the gentleman personally.

And to be regulated accordingly. I agree with that. Chevalry. As the feminist of the pot, I have to agree. You should not be speaking like that to a lady in my care. That's a very feminist approach. And it's very brave. Thank you for sharing.

No worries. And thank you for caring for me. Am I a lady in your care? Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Is Dave a lady in your care? No. What?

Who's looking after me? I don't know. Not my problem. May. May. Okay, so as a woman, I cannot stand by while a little boy gets bitches. So if someone... By extension, you are in my care.

Right. Russian doll style. I'm in your lady's care. You're in the care of my lady. We are essentially your parents. Thank you. As long as someone's protecting me out there on those streets. So if someone is rude to me, I'll say, well, I'm going to call my mum.

She's going to call her. husband. Who will demand satisfaction. How do you like that? Who's looking after Matt? Dave? Who are you looking after? Oh gosh.

I've got to look after my dad. You can see why there's 20-something rules here. Oh yeah, it's very complex. Now to De Lope, which is French for throwing away. It's the practice of throwing away one's fire in a pistol duel, an attempt to abort conflict. Often people fired into the air or into the ground or on purpose. It's like a white flag kind of.

Yeah, all right. The Irish code duela, however, forbids this practice. Rule number 13, no dumb shooting or firing in the air is admissible in any case. Right. Okay. So it's quite a complicated set of rules, but basically I outlined stuff like the time of day during which challenges could be received to the number of shots or wounds required for satisfaction or honour. Okay. There's like a system.

Got them in the arm? That's a little bit of honour. cut them in both legs. Hello, honour. Your honour. Hello, honour. All right. Because it was all about satisfaction

all linked back to defending your honour, it wasn't always about killing your opponent, but usually about restoring one's honour by demonstrating a willingness to risk one's life for it. So that's why you'd fire into the air. Often they'd both fire into the air and say, look, I showed up. I was prepared to die for this bullshit.

I'm brave, I held a gun. Very brave man. So in the end, it's all about getting satisfaction. Mick Jagger was a bad jeweller was a bad jeweller, wasn't he? He can't get no. Come on. He tried. Mick.

Man, he tried. Yeah. He kept shooting, but missing Keefe. Weapons are ineffective on Keefe. Nothing will kill Keefe. The Irish Code was generally also followed in England and Europe with some slight variations. This was quite an influential dueling document. In a typical duel, each party acted through a person known as their second.

Oh, yep. The second's duty, above all, was to try to reconcile the parties without violence. An offended party sent a challenge through his second. We've seen Hamilton. Yes, exactly the whole song about this crap. I don't remember that. Do you guys remember the one time we saw it, or have you seen it more than once? I've watched it since.

I've listened to the soundtrack. Oh, right. Yeah, because, I mean, how do you keep it all in? You can't. So much happen. You can't keep it in. I mean, and I really enjoy Hamilton, but one of the songs I dislike is the one about dueling because it's very musical-esque. Oh, okay.

There's like, they say, meet me outside. And then the whole chorus goes, meet him outside, meet him outside. And I'm just cringing in my chair. Yeah, the cringiest, or maybe the funniest of musicals is fight stuff. Yeah, low clicks. Matt doing some great choreography over there. That's sort of that getting low to the ground, sort of creeping along with the low click.

And you never did musicals in high school because you are lailing the low click and the shoulder. Oh my God. Yeah, I watch Beat at the film clip a few times. And maybe Rosanna by Toto. That's another great sort of musical street tough scene in there. So jewels of this kind really took off in Europe in the 17th and 18th centuries

According to the Smithsonian During the reign of King George III Which is 1760 to 1820 There were 172 known jewels in England And also very likely many more that were secret Resulting in 69 Recorded Fatalities

I had a feeling that's where it was going But thank you for still pausing I definitely paused Hoping you'd say it Nice. Dead people. Oh, yeah. In the US, the first recorded duel took place in 1621,

just a year after the Pilgrims arrived at Plymouth. It was fought between two servants, which is also notable because it was usually, quote, gentlemen who dueled. Let's see, and a gentleman. Never shits. But they do jewel. They do, okay.

They do jewel. So even if you get shot in the abdomen and you die, you don't shit yourself. No. Okay. That's what's crazy, yeah. Wow. Yeah.

But if you're a gentleman, if you do shit, you get a much worse burial. All of a sudden, you're thrown in a hole. Yeah. But if you hold your boughs, you will get a gentleman's send-off. And if you're a gentleman and you're giving birth, you do not shoot yourself. No. You know? Gentleman never gives birth while shitting himself.

He'll do one giving birth. Yes. But it'll never do the other. Never shit himself. It's amazing actually, yeah. Yeah. So the concept in America really took off around the time of the Civil War and was especially common in the South

where a gentleman's sense of personal honour was taken especially seriously. Again from the Smithsonian, quote, to the touchiest among them, virtually any annoyance could be construed as grounds for meeting at gunpoint. And though laws against dueling were passed in several southern states, the statutes were ineffective. Had they discovered wanking yet? It feels like some people need to let off some steam, you know?

Ah, you looked at me wrong. I'm going to kill you. Get over it. Go have a wank, you'll be right. Go have a wank. I just came back from doing what you said I should do and you were right. This is awesome. Never want to shoot anyone again.

With a gun. I'm jizzing at dawn. Which is a door. I demand satisfaction. Oh, yeah. There it is. Ten paces. Jesus, you're confident.

In these southern states, avoiding a challenge wasn't easy, particularly in the South, where men who refused the jewel would be posted, which is a statement accusing them of cowardice, which would be hung in public areas or published in a newspaper or pamphlet. Toxic masculinity was in newspapers and books. pamphlets back then. Imagine that. Wow. Check out my masculine pamphlet.

Between 1750 and 1850, many men owned dueling pistols just in case they needed them. A specific dueling pistol. Yeah. It's different. It's a different kind of pistol. Yeah, typical weapons were large caliber, smooth bore, flintlock pistols.

Oh, you are turning me on. I didn't understand any of that, but it sounded sexy. That did sound hot. Yeah. It's sort of those long, long, thin, very, uh, sleek, silver-looking ones of the, you know. Yeah, I can picture them. Kept for a special occasion.

They've been shined up in a special box. And it turned out many people did need them. Sadly, they often misfired and had terrible accuracy. Was that all part of it? They didn't really want people to die. As soon as they brought out the sniper rifle, you're like, whoa, whoa, what? What are you doing?

I was not a bazooker. Hey, you never said what type of gun. That's not going to fuck. I've got a tag. He's just holding a thing in his hand. He's like, what's that? Well, I'm just going to call it an airstrike. Obviously.

Can you stay still, please? This is the button for the nukes. He's entering your coordinates. The guy with the football with the nuclear codes walks over, opens the suitcase and you just type it into a laptop. Bip, beep, boop. All right. I'll see you're standing in 15 seconds.

So they're terrible accuracy these things. In 1836, Congressman Daniel Jennifer of Maryland I thought that was his middle name. I was like, that's great. That's his last name. It's a great middle name. It's an amazing middle name. And Jesse A.

Bynum of North Carolina. Oh, fun fact about North Carolina. Their fire engines are actually blue, where most of them will be red. There you go. Yeah, they have them blue. I guess more like the color of water. Blue water.

It's fun. Maybe red's actually a bit of a slap in face for people who are, you know, their houses are burning down and then a big red truck turns up and the guys are all in yellow and orange. Yeah. How about some soothing blues? What dicks. Yeah.

Let's have some wet colors. Yeah. Bring on those wet colors. Soothe me. You've got all these hot colors? Give us some wet ones. Give us some wet colors, would you? Are they cool colors?

Wet colors. You're right the first time. Never doubt yourself. Wet colors only, please. Anyway, North Carolina. That was a fun fact. And Congressman Daniel Jennifer. fought this guy from North Carolina in a jewel in Maryland,

where they reportedly stood 10 feet apart, fired six times a piece and completely missed each other with every shot. Beautiful. They decided to call it a draw. Well, I mean, God didn't want either of them to die. Exactly. Is that kind of what they would think? Or we passed that time now.

Yeah, I guess so. Or you're like, I only bought six bullets. I mean, we've got to go to the shop. Yeah. Come back. We're supposed to do this usually at dawn. We'll have to wait till tomorrow. Yeah.

Shops don't open until 9. Oh, God. I wait at Sunday 10. Oh. Yeah, his bloody shop keeps. Love they're sleeping. Oh, they're sleeping on a Sunday, don't they? Penalty rates for the staff, that's why.

They don't have to pay them for as long as you. I open a bit later. But no, it is good that the staff do make a little bit more on a Sunday, obviously, because they do have to work on a weekend. But, yeah, anyway, so don't have time to wait around, go get more. I was just calling a day. I was just thinking, how good's living? Yeah.

Why don't we both just keep doing that? We're both going to die of typhoid or something soon anyway. Why don't we go have brunch? We'll have brunch and rip up these pamphlets with each other's face, isn't it? Yeah. I don't need to accuse you of doing that. So the accuracy, or I should say terrible accuracy, and unreliability of the weapons meant that the chance of dying from a jewel was actually slim.

It's certainly not impossible. No. Nothing is. And a lot of famous people took part in jewels over the years. UK prime ministers, US presidents, Congress Johnson. He demands satisfaction Like that.

Congressman, senators, newspaper editors, prominent artists and writers all defended their honour in this way, some of whom paid the ultimate price. How much? Like 50 bucks? 60 bucks.

Get the fuck out. Wow. Crazy. So the very concept sounds that right is almost unthinkable to our modern cultured minds. But I'm going to go through some of history,

silliest and most unusual jewels that really take it to the next level. And we start in France during the restoration period in the early 19th century, according to cracked.com. Oh, that's like a comedy website, isn't it? I love Cracked. A website with more ads than I've ever seen on a website. Every third sentence, it's like continue scrolling for more, and you like scroll through

an ad. You really persevered. Yeah, there was about 15 lines on there and it took me an hour to read. Thank you for doing that for us. A lot of scrolling. But according to crack.com, there was a bit of tension between offices in Napoleon's army and the better paid royal guard. An incident occurred between a colonel named Bavier Dufai and a young royal guard named Raoul. Raoul was offended by something that the colonel said about his outfit and challenged him to a jewel.

Now, quoting from a book called The Romance of Jeweling in All Times and Countries, Volume 2. Oh, love that. Seekle better than the first. The colonel asked him, all right, what weapons, sir? Roel replied, any you please? Rapier, sword or pistol. The colonel responded, oh, so you are equally skilled with all weapons. And Roel said, skill is not the word, but ignorance, for I have never handled any of them.

I am equally ignorant in all of them. I'm terrible. I'm probably going to die with any of these, so you take your pick. Yeah, I'm easy. Can you remind me what a rapier is, Dave? So I think it is a type of sword, a very thin one, I believe. Yeah, I think that sounds right. They mention it in whiskey in the jar.

Ah. First produced my pistol, then produced my rapier. And I never, I always as shit and, you know, figured it was a weapon. I kind of thought it was a kind of gun, but it's kind of. He's a sword often with a sort of fencing type handle that you sort of grip. I'm looking at up here, slender and sharply pointed two-edged sword popular in Western Europe. There you go. So he said, use that, use a bigger sword, use a pistol, couldn't care less.

Whatever. I don't know how to use any of them. That's really funny, actually. All right. Upon hearing this and discovering that Rahul, the guy challenging him, was only 18 years old. The colonel told him he wouldn't jewel him. Yeah, that feels like, this doesn't feel right. Yeah.

You're right. What's that phrase, never fight with a fool for people probably won't know the difference? He's like, yeah, okay, you're a kid. Don't worry about it. But right. Was there a thing like, it's almost like suicide by Jewel? Yeah. And I'll, I don't want to do it myself.

I'll ask a guy who does this for a living. He's a colonel. He's a colonel. So an experienced, you know, a soldier. Yeah, yeah. Not a piece of corn. Shumi is not like a fool. Like a humanoid corn.

Half man, half cob. Yeah. Cobb man. We're talking about a cop man here? I mean, you wouldn't. give a shit if they used a rapier sword or pistol they don't have any hands you like yeah go for it

I'd be killing that cob chop it open yeah uh how about my choice of weapon teeth how about that have you got any nah I'm coming at you my choice of weapon

bit of butter bit of salt yum yum bit of pop my choice a weapon an oven get in you find with two

first one to get the other into an oven that's a battle I have My food every night. Yeah, it's like, hey, get in this oven. I'm like, no. You get in this oven? No.

And they're throwing treats in there, like getting a dog to do something? You throw some treats in. Hey, there's some spearmint leaves in there. Ooh. Lollies. Yum. You know the ones with the sugar on the outside? Bit of fun.

I don't like spearmint. Hmm. Who doesn't like spearmint leaves? Shit. This guy's so good. Strawberries and cream. Yeah. Jersey Carol.

There's little banana rolls that don't really taste like banana, but it's still quite nice. Apparently like the old kind of banana. Right? Wild, huh? What about these little corns? Oh, what's this? Baby corn, baby corn. I'm throwing your kids in the oven.

Better go get them. Better save the babies. I did. So you're trying to get them into an oven. There was one that I read about, but I couldn't quite get proper information on. It's referred to as the sack jewel, where two people wanted to marry the same princess and then they decided to settle it by wrestling each other and the first one to get the other into a sack.

Very funny. Yes, someone into a sack is very funny. First one to get him into that sack. Pull a string shot. Great. Let's get married. One of them was a potato. That is so funny.

That is so funny. Get the sack. No. No. You've already lost the love of your life. Now you're in a sack. What an awful day. But now she has to watch you try to fight.

and get into a... Get each other into a sack. That's like, it would be such a turn off as well. Not that she's probably into either of you, but you both want to marry her. She's like, look at these fucking morals. She's not into you until you get that guy in a sack. And then she's like, now you get into the sack.

I'm the guy, like, the guy in the sack is dragged to the altar inside the sack. So you just hear the wedding. Does anyone have any objections? Order! Order! I can't hear you in the sack. Sorry.

I've heard he's pretty good in the sack. Pretty good to get you into a sack, that's for sure. Fun little detail. So, Raoul. Sack, what a funny euphemism for bed. Yeah. Especially sexy bed. I guess like when you're in the bed and the blankets are up around you,

it's a bit like a sack, I guess, isn't it? Sexy. An open sack. People, you don't hear it as much anymore. It feels like a real like 90s or something like. Pretty good. He's pretty, I bet he's pretty good in the sack. Demon in the sack

Demon in the sack And that's a good thing Okay Demon in the sack Now so Raul's 18 years old The Colonel said mate I'm not farting you But Rahul continually called him a coward

Until he much older and more experienced man acquiesce He said alright fine Got to fight this kid He's really demanding satisfaction here He really wants to fight First they fought with swords Right there in the streets of Paris And the colonel was easily able to disarm Raul four times.

It was a bit like, mate, do you want any more? Yeah. Desperate, Raul came up with an audacious but very strange plan. I like that combo. Desperate for what? Satisfaction. To try and find the upper hands on my. I was like, all right, swords.

I'm obviously not naturally gifted like I assumed I was. Yeah. I thought I could really handle any, any weapon. Yeah. So because he was terribly us to change weapon. and because they were out in the open they couldn't use pistols just there on the street. Grenades.

Straight to grenades. Don't worry about shop fronts and small children. They started playing slaps. Did you ever play James Bond Golden Eye? Yeah. On the 1064, the multiplayer mode. And you could choose the type of weapon and one of them is called slappers only.

So you're just got to walk up to each other. Continue to slap until someone dies. From slapping. Slap to death. Very funny. What are I to go? So he asked to change weapon, swords are no good with pistols we can't use. A coach happened to pull up on the street and Rahul made a proposal.

The proposal was that the two men tie their arms together and then get in the coach and fight with daggers as the coach goes for two laps around the park. At the end of which, they would open the doors and see who, if anyone, was still alive. I'd be, as the colonel, I'd start anything. Is this his plan all along? Is he some sort of like a jewel shark? He knows the, yeah, I've been ripped off here. The coach just handies also, let's make it a little more interesting too. Yeah, double or nothing.

All right. My initial thought with coach as well was a man in a matching track suit, like a gym coach. Right. So I was like, great. Are we having a push-up competition or something? I was thinking, I forgot the time. And I thought I was picturing like a, you know, a greyhound bus. Yeah, the back of a bus.

But it's not that. There was a horse and carriage right out the front, they're in the back, just the two of them. So tie an arm? So they sit in the middle, tie maybe their left arms together. Well, that's very inconvenient for me. Sorry, Jess. And then you each have your right arm to just stab at each other whilst the coach does two laps around the park. That's fucking stupid.

The Colonel agreed. Oh my God, Colonel. So they're both on the back of Kevin Shedy, right? Tried to the back of Kevin. All right, Kevin. All right, Kevin. All right, Kevin. Hey ya.

For some reason, he agreed. Yeah, they went around the park two times and people rushed to open the doors and they found in the back of the carriage a sea. Smooching. Yeah. Seven minutes in heaven. That was their plan all along. It was all about. A bit of a lone time. Ryle was just like, he was just prolonging this because he just wanted to spend more time with the girl.

All right, now I've got you alone. What? You're stabbing me? What the fuck? No, they opened the doors and they found a sea of blood. Rahul, the young guy, lay dead, and the colonel was gravely wounded. Amazingly, though, he recovered. Wow.

He was, however, imprisoned. And again, from the romance of dueling in all times and countries, volume two, the police took him in hand and he was condemned to a month's imprisonment. It's not a big sentence. Why was he imprisoned? For killing the young man. You're so cold, Jeff. He just killed someone.

I see no crime here. But, yeah, we're... I think Jess and I were both assuming this was an illegal. Yeah, that's what, yeah. If killing a man is a crime, lock me up. That's not what I'm saying. And honestly, throw away the key. I've done it quite a few times.

Put the calves on, he's like, sorry, what? But yeah, okay, yeah. Is it because it was outside of dueling rules? Yeah, you know, and honestly, it is illegal. Jeweling, yeah. Joling was never legal. In several countries and states, it's sort of varied on territory and sort of where you were. But at the time, they're in the open in the streets of Paris.

Often you'd go out to like the middle of nowhere and at dawn and then try and get it off before it. Try and get each other off. And then any last wishes? Well, actually. Then you'd have your fight and then hopefully you'd be back before anyone noticed. But because of this, they, they imprisoned him. And the end of that quote is during which it appears he was subjected to the greatest of indignities. Oh.

No wonder what that means. But a month. A month in prison. Doesn't get any more indignant than that. Two months? Oh my God. I'd never even thought about that. Dave, don't.

Holy moly. Good heavens, David. Heavens to Betsy. So that's in France, but over in the USA, they were also loving the concept of a duel, and even the president got involved. Oh, Ronald Reagan? Yeah, love the jewel.

Wow. The seventh president of the United States, Andrew Jackson. Ah, yeah. Andy J, that's what I call him. Heard disco loves a jewel. He's on the $10 note. He's a wild man.

I believe that's Alexander Hamilton. Okay. Because of the song. He's on a $10 dollar note. $10 dollar note. He's on me. He's on a $10 note from a month of July. He's on a $10 note from a month of July.

From that song? You might think it's Andrew Jackson, but that's not the case. Sometimes he thinks he's on there, but he's at Juuling without a care. It's instead Alexander Hamilton, and he's going to feel all right. Spend me up before you go, go, as long as it costs less than 10.

Can you edit that bit out, please, I will be... He's on the... But Matt, this is... That was very astute of you. He's on the $20 bill, Andrew Jackson. $20 bill. And he looks like Wayne Hope. Am I right?

Am I thinking the right go? Wayne Hope. Oh, yes. ...cending comedian. Yeah, okay. Yep. From such fame as the librarians. Great show.

Upend or Bogan. When I was in America, I got a $20 note. I assumed it was 10. I can't believe I've had it. American 20? 20 USD? And I'm sure I tweeted at him and said, this you? And he's like, I get that a bit.

Well, Matt, we all know that you're older than time itself. And did you know that until... I remember when time was invented. It was a big day. Well, it makes sense then that you probably remember and this story also makes Wayne Hope quite old because Andrew Jackson has been on the $20 bill in the past until 1928.

Oh, okay, I'm thinking of a different guy then. Oh. 1928. Did I get old money? Do I have, am I old money? I'm showing you this is the guy. He does look like Wayne Home. I can see that.

Yeah, that's him. That was until 1928. That's so weird. I got a real old note. Really, really old note. Wow, awesome. That's strange. Wow.

Learning together here, people. So, Andrew Jackson, he's on the 20, $20 bill now. It was on the 10, back in Matt's backpacking years in the 1910. Why don't why he got bumped? Day, I wouldn't be complaining. He had a very thin skin and temper that made him... Bad for dueling.

Oh, thin skin in terms of he was a bit sensitive? Oh, yeah. Or like a medical condition. Bullets will be able to enter it even easier. Go straight through him. Do not touch my skin. Paper skin. It made him quick to challenge people to jewels.

Yeah, right. Very short temper. Over his lifetime, Jackson, challenged over 100 of his foes to jewels. That's too many. This didn't mean he went toe to toe with 100 people. For the most part, people would stand and fire their gun in the air or purposely miss, making the jewel more about a test of courage when one's honour was at stake.

But many of the jewels he fought or challenged were in defence of his wife, Rachel, who was a frequent object of ridicule and malicious rumours after she married Jackson when thinking she was divorced from her first husband. They were on a break. Turns out she was still a marriage of the first husband, who was a piece of shit, and people accuse her of bigamy. And they often made jokes at her expense, and Andrew Jackson, the second husband's expense,

and he'd be like, that's it, 10 paces at dawn. Could you get divorced back then? Apparently so. Interesting. Or apparently not, because she didn't. Sure. In 1788, Jackson was a young lawyer who was frustrated when he's in-court opponent, attorney called

Why Still Avery Why Still? Why Still? Why Still? Why Still Avery? I don't know. I can't get rid of it. My family name. I don't know.

And Jackson was annoyed because Wysdil was outsmarting him in the courtroom. Oh dear. Jackson found himself particularly frustrated by Avery, frequently proclaiming, well, I refer to Bacon. Meaning Francis Bacon's noted text, the elements of the common laws of England.

So you'd challenge something and he'd be like, well, I refer to bacon. What about that? And then Jackson was getting really pissed off with this. Jackson decided to replace a copy of the book that Avery carried in his bag with actual bacon. When Avery criticized Jackson for pulling a child to stunt, Jackson left to his feet and challenged the man to a duel. How dare you call me a child for putting bacon in your bag? Who's the president?

He went on to become president. Wild. Incredible. So that night they met, by which time things had cooled down a bit, including the bacon, presumably, and they both just shot into the air. Paffling. No one was hurt.

But that's not how it always went. In 1806, an American attorney, an experienced duelist, accused Jackson of being a coward, via a statement in the newspaper. Oh, yeah. What you could do back then. From then on, it was only a matter of time

before the two went head to head in a duel. The other man's name is Dickinson. Bit of a Dickinson. Okay. Jeweling was illegal in Tennessee where they were, but not in Kentucky. So they decided to duel just a little bit over the border. Right. Basically, step in a few meters and they're like, all right, legal.

Here we go. So, when they both shot into the air, the last one, their guns, I'm assuming. They, um, what, had, were they both? just trusting that the other was going to do the same? Yes, because I think often, because you would draw who would, often sometimes you'd shoot first and say I'm shooting you. Who shoots first? I thought it was like you count it out, do you turn and shoot.

Well, you do do that, but I... That's one you don't want to be going second. But sometimes, tactically, you let the other person shoot first to see what they're going to do. What if what they're going to do is kill you? It's a real risk. But if they shoot... Because you don't want to be, if they shoot in the air, you look like a bit of a coward, if you still shoot them. Yes.

Which some people still, you did, and they were often criticised for it. Especially if they miss. What were you thinking? Come on. But yeah, often tactically, you'd turn and you'd shoot. And if it looked like you were going for me, I'd shoot next. And the rule is that you have to stand still while I take my shot at you. Have you already taken your shot?

Right. So you shoot. Which is, what happens in this instance? Dickson, or Dickinson, the other guy Jackson, was considered an expert shot. So future President Jackson and his friend, Thomas Overton, determined... I think he's going to survive. Oh, great point.

Well, they determined it would be best to let Dickinson fire first, hoping that he might rush it and miss. Of course, that's a huge risk. But he's a great shot. He's a very good shot. Because if he takes his time, you're almost certainly going to die. So he can try and rush the other guy and make him think you're shooting, so he shoots first and then he misses and you go,

ha ha ha, ha. Ah, my turn. So Dick is infired first, and he didn't miss. Instead, he hit Jackson right in the chest. Amazingly, though, Jackson, who was a very... It just seems like this whole thing was ill-advised. Oh, he's an expert shot, yeah? Well, I challenge him to a jewel.

Yeah. First mistake. And I'm going to let him shoot first, and I'm going to stand very still and quietly while he does that. With a target on my chest, which I've drawn. Amazingly, Jackson did not die, and he was still, in fact, able to return fire. The rules of dueling meant that Dickinson had to stand still as Jackson took his own shot. Jackson's pistol stopped at half cock, so he drew back the hammer and aimed again,

this time hitting Dickinson in the chest, and Dickinson died on the scene. It was later discovered that Dickinson, who was the superior shot, had aimed at Jackson's heart, but a brass button had deflected the bullet. Whoa. It did hit Jackson. Doctors determined that the bullet were still lodged in Jackson's chest, but it was too close to his heart to operate,

so Jackson carried it around for the rest of his life and suffered much pain from the wound. That would have been annoying going through customs. Fucking out. Every time you've got to be like, I've got a bullet in my heart. It's like my dad has to carry a little card with it and says he's got like fake hips

because he sets off all the senses and stuff. I wonder if they give you a little card for that. Bullet. Bullet in my heart. Jilled. A bullet in my chest. Yeah. I'm sure they do.

I'm sure they do. They've got cards for everything these times. Yeah, get out of jail free card. Hello. So did he go to jail? No, because it was legal in Kentucky. Yeah, that's right. So you do it over the border.

So there's little loopholes like that kind of thing. Andrew Jackson was a bit of a piece of shit, but he's a very tough old man. He also survived the first assassination attempt on a sitting president. Oh, shit. Button got in the way again. He's honestly covered in buttons. It's essentially a shield.

He's wearing like armoured made of buttons. He looks stupid. It looks really dumb. Doing up his shirt took forever. So long. And then he'd get him out of order. He'd get to the bottom. I'd do that all the time.

Yeah. You're an idiot. Yes. Also line up where the tag is on the back of my jumper and go, all right, here we go. That's the back. Here we go. Head in and, oh, how is this backwards?

Multiple times. multiple. You were 30 years old. Nearly 31. One day I'll learn. No, you won't. So he survived the first assassination attempt on a sitting president. A man who would not survive an assassination attempt,

Abraham Lincoln, who we've talked about with John Wilkesville. What? He also narrowly avoided a jewel with swords when he apologized to an Illinois state official he'd ridiculed in a local newspaper. Ah, so he's learning some humility, sort of. I mean, he's still going. at him, but he backed down. He didn't seem like a back-downing type.

Lincoln? Yeah, apparently he did. Fans of Hamilton, I've written here, will know that the potential US presidents and founding fathers also fought jewels, famously Aaron Burr, then Vice President, and Alexander Hamilton, the $10 Founding Father without a father, fought a duel

in 1804, which I actually, I don't want to go into, I don't want to spoil it if you haven't seen the musical. Wait, sorry, I've just got this on delay. That was Lincoln who backed down. Yeah. I thought we were still talking about Wayne Hope

Oh no no no But Lincoln So a future president He seems like the kind of guy who would definitely be humble I don't know why And would have apologised For scorn Some time ago

Is it seven years? Oh damn it Well Sometime covered that Yes You're right Yeah he's not wrong Why did it

Could have been seven seconds ago It's still some time Isn't it It's been some time Since we started having this argument that, Dave. I challenge you to a duel. Okay.

What weapon of choice? Save yourself. Are you having a karaoke duel? A jewel jewel. I wish I knew some of the songs. Was that one of them? No one. I didn't even recognize that one.

I think that's a big one. And you want to do my hands? I listen to, yeah, I'll do my hands. I listen to a bit of. one writing this report and the most played song I couldn't stand I don't think she was in key

he was warbling all over the place That's interesting how many records have you sold Yeah so shut your mouth Yeah I thought that but I quite like the song My Hands But that wasn't the biggest one But the other one yeah

I've never heard of my hands You don't know that song My hands are small I know But they're not yours. They are my own. You know that one? Oh, maybe that's the big one, is it? No, the one that was biggest on Spotify, which I did recognize.

I think what you were singing was probably the same song. That was my hands. I think so. Sorry, Matt, I'm really bad at deciphering your song. I think it's called Hands. Oh, you were meant for me. Yeah. You were meant for me.

And no, what's meant for you? All over the place she was. You should see a video of Jewel and Jessica Simpson together. it's very funny because it's terrible oh no that's real bad so I just thought I'd mention

the Burr Alexander Hamilton dual because I know that's probably the most in vogue one and I thought people would freak out if I didn't mention it It's so in vogue But it's not silly enough for this report It's in the zeitgeist Of the men who signed the Declaration of Independence Everyone makes a big deal about old mate

John Hancock and his big fancy signature but the award for best name has to go to Button Gwynet You know the man that signed the Declaration of Independence in the US name was Button Gwynet Button Gwynet That's got to be one of the old-timers Yeah, that's an all-time

He sounds bulletproof Button Gwynet Gwynet And I bring him up not just because of his fantastic name But because of his death Which was as the result of a duel His sworn rival Lachlan Macintosh

called him a scoundrel and lying rascal and refused to apologize. Button challenged him to a duel and the two shot each other at 12 paces. McIntosh survived and even though it was only a thigh wound for Button he died of gangrene three days later. Which is a common story which brings me...

Dang green. Dang green. Oh, good on delay. I love it. Which brings me to another duelist Humphrey Howith. A British MP, Humphrey Howarth Humphrey Howarth? You picked up a lisp, dad?

Humphy Howleth. Humphrey by name. Humphrey by nature. He and the Earl of... My dog's name is Humphrey and I can't say it. Humphrey Howeth and the Earl of Barrymore, who according to History Collection.com, got into a drunken disagreement at the Brighton races in 1806. Apparently they were both big drinkers.

That decided the best course of action was to have a jewel. So they agreed to their location. face back to back and then Humphrey Howarth did what no one expected. He started stripping off and he got completely naked. Strip jewelling. Which sounds pretty absurd, but however it actually makes some sense. Howarth had served as a surgeon in the British East India Company. He knew that most victims of shooting at the time didn't die from the bullet itself

but from an infection that often developed from embedded shreds of dirty clothing that the bullet forced inside the body. Wash your clothing then. Yuck. Fucking out, mate. Come on. He figured if he was naked, this was unlikely to happen and that letting it all hang out dramatically increased his chance of survival.

Wow. That's clever. His opponent, the Earl of Barrymore, decided that he didn't want to be known as the guy who shot the naked dude, so he decided to back down and the jewel was called off. Nice. Yeah, I think getting naked really puts things in perspective for a lot of people. People still do that.

Like, you'll see drunken. fights where one guy just rips his shirt off. Instinctively. Why? I guess it's just going back to the lessons learnt in the past. You don't get those dirty cloth in there. There's someone to, yeah, punch your t-shirt into you.

Ow! Oh, that's going to get infected. Fuck. Punch your t-shirt into you. So MPs and the like actually have quite a history of dueling. Not one but two UK Prime ministers have fought jewels. On the 27th of the Bay,

At the height of the war between Britain and Revolutionary France, Prime Minister William Pitt fought a duel in London with George Tierney, a member of Parliament. Is that Pitt the Elder? You know, the Simpsons argument where Barney had with one of the baseball players? Pitt the Elder! The Elder! Lord Palmerstein!

Pitt the Elder! Well, this is Pitt the Younger. You remember that bit? They were arguing for some reason. reason Barney was having a drunken argument with a baseball player who the best, I think who the best British Prime Minister was.

Lord Parliamentary. The elder. You got it, buddy. These days it's taking for granted that members of Parliament talk shit about each other in the House of Commons. You know, always shooting their mouths off at each other. I love it. George Tierney, however, took a comment made by the Prime Minister

as a comment on his personal courage and, quote, desire to obstruct the defence of the country as he was the treasurer of the Navy at the time. There was only one way to settle this matter and that was a jewel. The jewel took place on a Sunday which is usually a day of rest

and this generated much criticism against Prime Minister Pitt. Imagine being the Prime Minister. You're fighting someone to the death and you criticised not because of that but because you chose to do it on a Sunday. Yeah. Pick the right day, mate. I want to came down to it though, both parties fired and missed.

According to historyhouse.com.co.com. UK, one of my favourite websites. It was observed at the time that it was slightly unequal as Pitt was a very thin man, whilst Tierney was very fat, thus making him a much larger target. But satisfaction met on both sides after they missed,

the two men withdrew. Yeah, right. So what does that prove at that point? Or is that them going, oh, I almost died. That was silly? Yeah, I risked my life for this. I've got my, our honour is intact. God clearly didn't want either of us to kill the other man.

Let's go back to it. So the honour's intact. Surely the honour's intact before the jewel as well. Or they think their honour has been... Yeah, by calling him saying that he's putting the country at risk. Right. That's accusing him of having bad character. Nothing's changed, apart from the both shown they're not good at shooting guns.

Yeah. But they were willing to risk it. Right, for the biscuit. For their honour. Okay, the biscuit. The second prime... Dave, would you risk it for the biscuit? Yes, I would.

What kind of biscuit? Monti Carlo Oh, the king of biscuits Yeah Yes, please I love Monte Carlo My favorite Favorite all-time biscuit I think

Yeah Oh wow What's your favourite What's your favourite Oh don't put me on the spot like that What kind of biscuit are we talking You guys are talking like We're talking like

Arnett's family Yeah Sort of creams I would be going for like a shortbread cream Oh yeah They're a fine biscuit A bit dry for me But yeah

You know There's so many great Teddy bear biscuits. Teddy bear biscuits. Again, pretty dry. It's a pretty dry one. Delta cream. Delta cream.

Almost Oreo like. Yeah, not the worst. Yeah. Not the worst. Orange slice. But if we're talking chocky bickie? Chucky, oh, mint slice. Yep, great choice.

Caramel crown. Carole crown is a very good biscuit. Tim tan. Tim tan. You can't beat a Timmed. You can't beat a Timmed. All the variations. Double coated Tim tan.

Double coat. Yeah, that's good. I thought you couldn't improve on perfection. And then they made double coat. It's like, oh shit, you can. You can't have as many of them Like you could smash a lot of normal Tim Tams Original Tim Tams

But double coat you're like One or two thanks And that's probably a good thing What about the iced Vovo No not a fan Is a big one for me as a kid But you got coconut on them Coconut

Hate coconut Hatch Malmour and Jam Yeah The marshmallow and jam fan Hate coconut All right Sprit bit of coconut And even a little bit of coconut

Makes everything tastes like coconut So I don't like it Yeah So you wouldn't risk it for that biscuit No I would not I don't eat marshmallows, really. Of course. But I loved them as a kid.

But I think they'd be too sweet for me now. Anyway, that was a fun little episode of Risket for the Biscuit. Oh, yes. I had vegan marshmallows recently, and they were actually delicious. Ooh. And there you go. Anyway. I'm listening.

That's my... Oh, that's it. Thanks for joining us on another episode of Frisket for the Biscuit. Now, back to the jewel. I just wanted to mention the other Prime Minister that dueled someone was the Prime Minister in 18, Arthur Wellesley, who dueled the Earl of Winchelsea, a staunched Protestant who was annoyed with the Prime Minister passed an act to allow Catholics to sit in the Parliament. The Prime Minister...

They had to stand before. De Neal. Oh, it's a long day. The Prime Minister fired first and missed, possibly on purpose, at which point the Earl of Winchelsea fired into the air. Honor was saved and Winchellcy wrote the Prime Minister an apology. Oh, that's nice. There you go.

Now, the most common dueling... a weird step in this. Just get straight to the apology. Yeah. Just talk it out. Or is it that, that's him going, oh, I didn't realize you were man enough to shoot and miss. So now you have my respect. Yeah, honestly, you started respecting each other.

Sometimes the people became great friends after it. Right. It's like, hey. So sad. Yeah. It's so weird, is it? I feel like you can skip that step. What about one-on-one basketball or something?

Yeah. Shirts versus skins That nude guy He's ready to go One on one but you still need to know Who's on whose team Oh who do I pass it to Oh not you, you're not wearing a shirt

Okay The ring Oh I pass it to the ring Now the most common dueling weapon Was swords Then pistol stooker Obviously basketball was much later But it wasn't always so limited

Some people like to think outside the box JP Okay Back to France in 1843 Bazookas When in the commune of I wish in commune of Mason 4, two men named Lafont and Malfont

got into an argument whilst playing billiards. Obviously, it's a pretty heated game at the best of time, Snoke. Yeah, yeah. They decided to end their argument, the honourable way, with a duel. Just argue, like, argue, settle your argument by whoever wins. You've already got a game there. Literally doing it.

It's a competition here. Dave, did you just say billiards and then caught Snooker? Are they two different games? Yeah. Is that the same game? No, I think it's, I tried to use a quill-o-quiggle term there, but I also thought, oh no, some big fan's going to say.

No, it's just, I'm like, I didn't, if that was true, I would have learnt something because I'm not sure. But it's not true, so you learnt nothing. Then there's pool. They're like three games that look the same. Yeah. Sort of. I don't understand the difference at all.

I think it's the one with the bigs and smalls. Okay. And then Snoke or billiards are the ones with like. Stars and Stripes. thousand stripes. All the different colors and they get put back on the, yeah, lots of red balls and they get put back on the table. Got to hit a red one in, then a colored one,

and then with different. Okay. I'm fading out of the episode. There you go. So anyway, they were playing a game. Billions is the game. Great. They decided to duel.

But, um, they thought that the weapon that best... Well, I just love your performance when you do so forth. You're the, I think, maybe the only one of us who performs general report. But, um, what happened next? Yeah, I must admit. But, uh, it didn't quite go to plan.

I appreciate that you think that I did that on purpose, but I just lost my support. But, uh, dramatic pause, as I find. As I desperately scroll. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck. I'm going to perform my next, uh, my next report. I'm going to really razzled out.

How's a walking around the room? Yeah, I'm going to do voices. Yeah, it's going to be sick. The sentence I was trying to look for was, however they thought the weapon that best fit their situation was neither gun nor sword, but billiard balls. Oh, in a sock?

Verda, this one. What are the sticks? Why not the cues? I know. Just bash each other with the cues. Well, they decided to have a duel where they take it in turns throwing the balls at each other. They took their 12.

paces and agreed to stay still whilst the other threw their ball. Matt, could you throw a billion ball 12 paces? Oh wait, it's like 24 paces. Could you throw it that far? Yeah. Could you? Hey, I was around in this period. Dave?

No. I'd take that over the gun, I reckon. But yeah, that would, I mean, landing in the head or the nads, the second head. Either of those would be brutal. Well, Malfon drew the long straw and chose to throw first. He even said, I'm going to kill you with my first throw. That's a big goal.

Well, he threw his first ball. It hit L'Enfant, square in his forehead. And he died instantly. Yeah, that's fine. Honestly, how do you stand still? I would definitely go, what? Yeah, flinch. Yeah.

Oh. And forever live as a coward. Rather than die with honor there and then. Malforn won the jewel, but he wasn't able to celebrate long as he was subsequently arrested and tried for willful murder and was convicted of manslaughter. Oh. I mean, I went like, oh, but yeah, he did that. He killed someone with a ball.

That's crazy. I mean, it's a great throw. Oh, yeah, amazing. That's all your life. Yeah. There would be a little part of you that was like, that was awesome. I clocked it. I'd feel awful.

I'd feel great. Yes. The whole way, I'd be like, that's got him. Yeah, you know when you just know when you've chucked it? Yeah, you're like, oh, that's going in. Lash. Hole in one here. And then, but then as soon as he goes down,

some regret about that. Yeah, yeah. But that fleeting moment while you're watching it and just when it does hit him right in the head, that those little moments of like, what, that's nice. And you're wondering, is it appropriate to pull my shirt over my head and run around? Like, I just got a goal?

Is that appropriate? Can I do a cartwheel? Is that, is that inappropriate? If you are thinking this is what God wanted, which is a wild thought for you to be like, yeah. I believe in God. Cried everything. Yeah.

He wants me to kill this guy with a billion ball. Yeah. That's, it works in the strange ways. Like, oh. Well, it should be noted that jewels were not just limited to men. Oh, thank God. Lady Jules. They're more psychological.

More bedazzles. In 1792, we come to what's known as the petticoat duel. Yeah, where we, um, they would flick each other's brass straps. Ow! Don't! It all started over afternoon tea. Of course it did. Mrs. Elfinstone, an upper class woman,

was visiting the house of Lady Braddock when according to history collection.com, Mrs. Elfinstone made some pretty rude comments to her host. She said, quote, You have been a very beautiful woman. You have a very good autumnal face even now. But you must acknowledge that the lilies and roses are somewhat faded. 40 years ago, I am told, a young fellow could hardly gaze upon you with impunity.

So 40 years ago. You're an absolute banger. You see, the problem is that Lady Braddock had only recently turned 30. Yeah, but back then, 30 was 70. That makes that a pretty funny line. 40 years ago. I'm told 40 years ago. Boys could not take their eyes off you.

She's in plainly she's like she looked double her age. She demanded a duel. The women opted to resolve the spat by dueling in London's Hyde Park, a place that we've all been together. You know that? Yeah. We didn't realize.

We didn't realize what we had. What history had been there. Both women fire their pistols but missed. Mrs. Elphinstone managed to knock her opponent's hat off, which meant she was going for a headshot. Were they little lady pistols? Small and pink and light. Oh, yes, of course.

Yeah. Mostly of plastic, because it's too heavy otherwise. I feel like that's the perfect shot. That's knocking the hat off the head. You don't kill anyone. You've shown how close you could have got. And I think that's the great result. But what about the risk of... Especially if you go, I want to knock that hat off your head.

But if you shoot... You're a 70-year-old woman. You shoot them in the face and you go, I only meant the hat. I actually went, was going for the hat. Which is actually a huge. huge insult because that hat was this season and brand new, you know,

it would have been devastating to lose that hat. That's all I wanted, was just to devastate her. Well, according to the good people at Britannica, the jewel could have ended at that point when the hat was on the ground, but the women decided to try their hands at swords. After receiving a wound to her arm,

Elfin Stone, who had made the rude comments, said that she would write a letter of apology. So she backed down. The one who wrote the rude Yeah, she said the red stuff. She got stabbed and went, actually, I apologise. Well, I mean, is that what's happened to her?

She's like, God did not like me saying that. Am I putting too much into the God stuff? I think a bit. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, it's just interesting. She gets cut and she goes, oh. Yeah, no, I was obviously wrong.

I guess I was being a dick by saying you used to be hot, and now you're fugly and you're only 30. I guess I was a bit mean of me. Yeah, I guess that really wasn't worth dying for. Maybe I was a bit hungry. You know? Yes. Does anybody ever thought maybe they were just a bit hungry?

I'm always a bit hungry. I know. I'm thinking about lunch right now. That's why I'm nearly always a bit of a douche. I know, and that's why I'm always like, do you guys want to get some food? Have you ever read a review and thought, gosh, I'd love to slap that person? Yes. Oh, yeah.

Well, in 1870 French modernist painter, Edouard Manet, lived every artist dream after he took offense over art critic Louis Edmund Durante's review of two of his painting. Upon encountering him at a cafe, Manet slapped the critic, and the two men agreed to a duel. They elected to use swords, and Emil Zola served as Manet's second. Durante, the reviewer, was wounded in the chest, at which point it was declared that Manet's honour had been restored. I mean, I keep going through this, but it's a weird system. It's a very odd system. Imagine seeing someone who's just giving you a show half a star in a cafe and it's going, right!

And then stabbing them in the chest. And then your honour being restored after that. Like, yeah. I mean, the show still sucks. Yeah, but nobody thinks that anymore. I mean, you know, that reviewer still mistakenly thinks the show sucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody else is like, oh, well, now I think Matt's great.

Also, it's best to usually, like, bury a bad review. But now everyone's writing about how you stabbed your review. Yeah. Bring a lot of attention to that first review. He's not the only famous artist to be involved in a duel. Alexander Pushkin, considered by many to be the greatest Russian poet and the founder of modern Russian literature,

died after being wounded in a duel against his wife's lover. He had first heard of the affair when he received a letter that announced that he'd been elected to, quote, the most serene order of cuckolds. Oh. Said, you're a cuck. He's being cucked with flowery language. Hey, congrats!

You're a cuck! And he read that, went, sorry, what? Right, buddy! He went to his wife and she said, no, that's not true. And he even met the man that was apparently having the affair with his wife. And they got on well enough that he went, no worries. And the guy ended up marrying Pushkin's wife's sister, so became his brother-in-law. And they're all getting along.

But apparently, the affair was continuing. And it got to a point where people were ridiculing him so much. He said, right, I've got to challenge this guy to a duel. And the other guy killed him. Oh. Oh, the ultimate cuck. Oh, yeah. And now the other guy has both of them.

Both women. That's the worst story I've ever heard. And that's like the greatest Russian poet, cut down in his prime at 37 because of that. Who knows what more he could have written? That's so baffling. Hey, here's a letter. You're a cuck.

Hey. Woohoo. Mark Twain, famous American writer, agreed to a duel with James Laird, the publisher of a rival paper. Twain had accused him of not following through and his promise to give money to a charity. But Twain was a terrible shot, like really bad. He even got lessons from his second Stephen Gillis to try and get better at it.

According to Britannica here, quote, shortly before Laird, his opponent was to arrive for the duel, Gillis, his second, shot a bird and then informed Laird supporters that Twain had killed the animal from a distance of 30 feet. Seeing this, the nervous Laird subsequently agreed. read to call off the jewel. Some have wondered whether the great writer Twain put a bit of mayo on this story,

but apparently the rest of his life, he proudly told people this story. Yeah, right. So the guy was like, holy shit, you're a great shot. I don't want to challenge him. But he wasn't at all. If you only had the choice of Dave and I for a second, who would you choose?

I don't know if I was paying attention when you explain what a second does. The second is essentially just the one who goes and, like, negotiates. Yeah, they try to call off. the duel early on. 100% day. Not me.

I'd back down immediately. No, I think you do the opposite. You'd be like, no, fuck this. Nah. No, we're not calling off the jewel, Matt. Get in there. Yeah. That asshole.

You want someone a bit conniving, right? Someone who can... He says, looking at me. I didn't mean to start it. I'm not sure which. I feel like I'd be better as a second than a first. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I'd pick you as a second. So maybe you. You can be the first, Jess, you can be the one in the line of fire. Yeah. And I'll get you out of that. Yeah, you're the professional best man. You've been best man more than anyone I've ever met. I reckon you are every one second.

I'll shoot a dog and say that Jess shot the dog from close range. She's cruel. She shot her own dog. You didn't know what to fuck with her. And then I'll be like, Matt, why did you shoot my dog? Hey. Well, said your life. Got you out of this jewel.

I didn't have to shoot my dog. She shot it. She shot it. She shot it. Put a bullet, barrel right to the throat of this thing. Yeah, it was honestly.

It was full off. It was wild. Whoa. Nah, but it would have all been faked. Don't worry. A little pebbles or whatever its name is to be running free. Pebbles is fine.

What's his name is honey? Goose. Goose. What's my dog called? Humphrey Beafle Bear. Fereckleckle. This has got favorites? Yeah.

All right? Uncle Matt's got a favorite, doesn't he? All right, mate. Well, I've only really met Humphrey. I don't think I've met Goose. No. But I do. If I had a little more time, I would have a little more time.

A little more time. Can I have a bit of thinking time? Can I phone a friend? I'm going to call Jess. Jess, what's your dog? I was called Goose. Buddy, what's your name again? Come on, speak up.

Bruce? Bruce. Bruce? Yeah, that sounds right. That's all right. Finally, we get to the duel that made me want to write this whole report in the first At first it was just going to be a Patreon bonus episode about this jewel and I started writing it over a year ago and I found oh so much more.

Amazing. In 1783, the Mont-Golfeier brothers launched the first manned hot air balloon flight. Little did they know on that day that in just 25 years time, people would be using their machines to kill each other. That's right, the final jewel is the hot air balloon duel. Yes. Involved two Frenchmen, Monsieur or Monsieur de Grand Prix

and Monsieur de Pique both had been saying the same woman a renowned dancer at the Paris Opera They've been both been dating the same. Yeah and they found out about each other and hang on a second All right I think this makes more sense

because you've got a big target so you just have to shoot one of the balloons Correct This makes way more sense But it also means Probably both of them will lie. Because the one going down.

Yeah, considering shooting your own. Well, fuck you, mate. The idea was that the winner of the jewel would win her dainty, manicured hand. Or as it was described, small hand. As Jewel would have described. As Mademoiselle Tiravit, who is the dancer, she would bestow her smiles on the survivor, it was said.

I don't know if she's agreed to this, but they're like, all right, I'll kill him and then you'll be with me, right? Why would you risk your life for someone who's cheated on you? Yeah, why is she cheating? Maybe they were just in the early days. Oh yeah, she's still just, you know, testing the waters for both. Maybe. Well, okay, in that case for her, she'd be like, this is a bit full on.

I've been like two dates with you guys. We're throwing a lot of terms here, boyfriend. I don't even know your surname. Yeah, what? We haven't met family. I must say, it was weird on the first date when you said, I would die for you. And now you're doing it. I thought that was a bit full on, but I let it.

slide because you'd been pretty nice the rest of the time, but now I'm seeing that was a red flag. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah. Sorry, but they, these two men... Sorry, a flag rouge. Does that make it clear of me? Very. It's flag, flag in French. I don't know.

So they agreed to the hot air balloon jewel. Each flew a hot air balloon two thousand feet into the air above Paris. They then pulled out their weapon of choice, which is a blunderbuss. A blunderbuss. And began firing. What is a blunderbuss?

One of those ones that's like, how can I describe? Short, large, calibre barrel. So it shoots big shrapnel? Is that, that kind of thing? Yeah, it looks a bit like, it's like a wooden... See that there?

One of those ones. Yeah. Looks like it, it's part trumpet. Yeah, with a big opening at the end try and fire out a real, really large bullet. Now, they pulled out their weapon of choice. I said, and they began firing, not at each other directly, but as Matt predicted, at each other's balloons.

The idea was that the winning shot would hit their opponent's balloon, which in turn would cause gas to escape and bring the blimp, and its doomed occupants down in a crumbled heat of humiliating defeat. And I say occupants, because they had their second fly the balloon whilst they shot. Right. Which meant that whoever lost. would be falling down but also would take their second with them. They also each had their dog.

Yeah. So just to make it extra tragic. Was Blunderbuss the name of a Jack White album? I'm not remembering that right? I think that's the first time I heard the term Blunderbuss, but I might be making up. This feels like a really dumb idea. I'm looking at up.

It is an album, Matt, from 2012. It also, it just feels like to me, and yeah, it just feels like there's such a risk of everyone dying. Mm. Is it one shot then the other shots? Because if they're both shooting at the same time, it's a big target. Keep going. According to the local press at the time,

the two men chose hot air balloons because they felt that they possessed higher intellectual properties than normal men. Yeah. I strongly disagree. So they want to be literally higher. Yeah, that on ground shit. Come on. That's for dummies.

Yeah, that's for me mortals. We're super smart. So we're going to fight from balloons. The story is covered in vintage news who write, The Chord Securing the Balloons to the Ground were cut, and the balloons ascended into the air as a crowd of curious spectators, many of whom simply thought they were watching a friendly balloon race started cheering. Go, go!

A balloon race. Yeah. Oh, they didn't have much on back there, did they? They were about 70 metres apart, and DePieke fired first, but failed somehow to hit his opponent's very, very large target. it. Unfortunately for him, his opponent, de Grampa, was much more accurate. And so DePic and his co-pilot plummeted to their dance.

Sucks. Again from Vintage News, when the balloon hit the ground, they were as one observer, somewhat indelicately described it, quote, dashed to pieces on a house top. Oh, they also ruined a house. Isn't it just the most wild and absurd things?

So stupid. Honestly, there's so many jewels, and I couldn't get to them all, and I apologise in advance or now, if I haven't covered your favourite jewel. Everyone's your favourite jewel. Well, your favourite jewel, mine's a scientist. When two scientists couldn't agree. They thought their weapon of choice, bunsen burners.

Oh, no. Turn it up real high and blow, make the flame big. I'm going to get the safety flame on. There was even one that's been called the 19-year jewel where these two French army officers continually fought jewels over 19 years. And that's a big story, so maybe we could do that, its own bonus report one day. Wow.

So flagging that. And you might be thinking, jewels, they're so last century, or to be honest, even the century before. But what have I told you that not everyone wants to leave them in the past? In October 2002, four months before the US invasion of Iraq, Iraqi Vice President Taha Yassan Ramadan, suggested US President George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein, settle their differences in a duel.

He reasoned this would not only serve as an alternative to a war that was certain to damage Iraq's infrastructure, but it would also reduce the suffering of the Iraqi and American peoples. Would you like, all right, only two, one person dies here? He also proposed that the other people of similar rank go toe to toe, e.g., president, take on president, vice president, so you go down the line. Wow. I'm kind of into this. I mean, you think, oh, it's a horrible waste of life, but so is war.

Maybe even on a grander scale. Ramadan proposed that the jewel be held in neutral land with each party using the same weapons and with the then UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan presiding as the supervisor. On behalf of President Bush, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer, declined the offer. Thank you so much. Hey.

Hey, what a fun offer. Thank you. There's no bad ideas. Unfortunately, we are not available then at that time. but thank you so much. It's a no from us. It's a no for me, Doug. Should I think of politics?

Yeah. Yeah, you'd be great. I'll study every sentence with that. Thank you so much. Everything. The press secretary. We'll take that one on an advisement. Thank you.

Thank you so much for that question. I will not be answering that. Next question, please. Yeah, I'd be great. that? Yeah, I think you'd be really good. All right, well, I'm quitting the pod. Bye. Suckers. Honestly, you do a better job than many of the press secretaries I've seen. I'm bloody, take that press secretaries. You got them, Dave. Fucking, yeah. Cop that Kaylee McAnney. That brings us to the end of the report. That's my report

on the silliest jewels. They were some of the silliest ones I could find. What a fun topic. Yeah. Good job. High body count, but still. Yeah. Very, very silly stuff. Yeah, it's wild. But yeah, it makes sense that, I mean, they're just so inherently silly. Yeah, they are. Yeah, they are.

So then you add a layer of silliness on top of that. It's like... Now we're getting real silly. Yeah. This is getting out of hand. So that brings us to the part of the episode that everyone loves more than anything else where we thank for our Patreon supporters. We talk a bit of trash.

Not like the serious business we get up to in the first half of the show. Can I just say that if we've ever offended anyone, we are open to them challenging us to a duel. Yes. Oh, don't speak forever. Well, no, Jess. How would we respond? Am I the second? Wait.

I mean, this was the first opportunity to show the skills, but I'll take it. Actually, thank you so much for your offer, but we're actually busy at that time. I'd already forgotten that. from a minute ago. So what we like to do is we we like to show our appreciation for some of our supporters at patreon.com slash to go on pod or do go on pod.com who have basically kept the show running with their support.

Honestly without them. We couldn't have done this 300 weeks in a row. That's right. So, 301. And so the... Uh Um, are you looking for a Is it

I looked at me with disgust It was like Matt can't find his words Ugh Yuck Are you looking for Gennessecoa? Uh, no, I was just I can't even

I just fully blanked That's all right Just start again From the top of the podcast Yeah Hello and welcome Uh, Jewel is the name of a singer

That sounds a bit like Jewel So people, they support us on those websites and get all sorts of rewards. Is that what we call? Yeah, rewards. And, yeah, some of them include bonus episodes. We do three bonus episodes a month. Jess is working on those this month, I think. Yeah.

And then, you know, you've got a Facebook group. We do a sporadic newsletter. All sorts of different things. You get to vote for the topics and really steer where the show go. That's right. that's one of the big ones you get to vote on the topics. If you are on the Sydney-Sharnberg level, you get to vote for two out of three topics, basically.

But you also get to give us a fact, a quote, or a question. You also get to give us your title. This little section has a jingle that goes a little something like this. Fact quote or question. He always remembers the ding. And this week we've got four, much like every other week. The first one comes from Drew Foresburg.

who's given himself the title of number one at getting one upped. And Drew has, is asking us a question. And his question is, in works of media, when a New Zealand actor is portraying an Australian, do you catch it every time? Or have you indeed been fooled by a secret kiwi? I'm American, so pretty much everything gets by me in this. department ministry. Every time Russell Crowe gets on the mark, you're like, where is he from again?

Yeah, but he's fully, he's got an Australian accent though. Yeah, yeah. But is he just fooling us. Oh, wow. He's just really good. Academy Award winning man. Yeah, I can think he's lived in Australia for quite a while. Yeah.

I think, I mean, I can't think of that many examples other than Russell Crowe, Sam Neal. The guy who plays Homelander in... Yeah. He's a Kiwi, but he does an American accent that I believed. Yeah. I think it's more... I think Australian and New Zealand accents are fairly similar. I mean, some people have very, like, strong New Zealand accents.

But I think we slip into each other's accents easily. Actors do. I don't think I do a great job. Americans or English doing Australian accents, I think are the ones. that are the most noticeable. American in particular. Yeah, American's the most.

It's so different. Yeah. Yeah, that's always pretty obvious. It's rare to see it done really well. Yeah, I think, yeah, the Kiwi, it's just a few vowels sounds that get changed. Yeah, you kind of, you can change those fairly easily. And we even have fairly similar, like, lingo for a lot of things to,

some different, but, yeah. I think technically New Zealand is in the Australian constitution of the state, but they just never took it up or something. Oh, really? Yeah, I heard that. recently. That's a cool fact. If true. Yeah, I can't, I can't think of a time being like, look at this. Look at this Kiwi being and I'll say, and I don't think we care.

Like we, I think we are more incensed if an American's playing in Australian and doing a bad job. We're like, bloody, there's so many Australian actors you could get. And you don't bloody, I think if a Kiwis are, we're like, no, good on them. One of the worst ones from recent time. was an English actor who was on The Good Place. Oh my God, it's so bad. Oh, I haven't heard it.

It's so bad. She sounded like she was being, yeah, I thought, I'm like, there's got to be an Australian over there. So many. But there was a few Americans playing Australians in that show, and they were all horrendous. But also, you don't have to make them Australian. Why isn't that world in England, if you want her to be in it?

Yeah. but not as her accent wasn't. Or she could be English in Australia. That's fine. Cheaty's there and he's not from Australia. So people can move around the world. It's all right. Yeah.

Not that, I mean, I don't, people would get a bit annoyed by. I mean, in the end, I don't really give a shit. Who cares? I hated it. It made me think that it was on purpose and that I was going to be another version of a bad place or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But no, it was just meant to be in Australian accent. It's just bad. There's so many Australian actors over there trying to make it. And it's like, just give them the part. Just give them the part. If you want an Australian accent, get an Australian to do it. I guess that's acting as well, right? Yeah, it's all that, you know.

And some people do it better than that. It's just funny to go, yeah, that'll do. But I guess the people casting it just didn't know, couldn't tell the difference. And I wonder if, like, Americans seeing Australian or English people doing American accent, go, what are they doing? Give me a sentence.

I find that watching Australian actors. Yeah, I find that watching Australian actors. Doing American accents. Doing American accents. Sometimes I'm like, ooh, you're not doing a great job. Wow, actually. That was pretty good. They're yelling at their iPods right now.

Yeah. In America. Good question, Drew. It's real specific. I wonder where that came from. Yeah, I like it. Yeah, but no, yeah, I think accents are so hard and to commit to one. But, you know, it's the same thing.

It's like the people who get annoyed by podcasts on a certain topic are the people who know so much about it. And it's like, maybe it's, you know, and the same like an Australian knows the accent so much. Yeah. But the good place isn't for an Australian audience, really. Yeah. Where does this tiny little market? It's for Americans. they don't give a shit.

Yeah, they can't tell. Yeah, of course. So it's, I think you just, yeah, sometimes when you're like, oh, I care about this, it's like, well, it's probably not, I don't know, it depends. But those sort of things are like, oh, does it really matter? Yeah. But sometimes it is fun to be angry at stuff that doesn't matter as well. Yeah. Love to yell in an iPod on occasion.

Thank you. It's not even on. Put it in the corner. You are point lots because you're off. Fucking wheel. What the fuck's that? So the, thank you, Drew. The next one comes from Murray Somerville,

who's given himself the title of Senior Head of Letters. That's fun. Do you get it, Dave? No. Nah, I got it. Dave, you're so stupid. This is a fact from Murray. Murray writes, following up on my last opera fact,

Dave mentioned that he thought opera people said, Toy, Toy, Toy. Oh, yes, I want to know if that's true. Toy, toy, toy. This is true, and it's another form of wishing each other good luck. Often will say chookers, toy, toy, toy. Toy is of German origin from their word for the devil. Toy fell, saying the devil's name three times was said to ward off bad omens.

Over time, it was shortened to just toy and said as if you were spitting the devil's name three times. Toy, toy, toy, toy. Oh. Interesting. very interesting. Great fact, Murray. Yeah. Guessing, because weren't you saying Chookers was an Australian one? So maybe Murray, Murray, Somerville was a very Aussie setting there.

Murray, Somerville, North Carolina. Gai, Murray. Hey, bloody gone. Murray is the fantastic artist who posts photos in our Patreon. Sorry, for all reasons, our Patreon group. Ah. That are simply awesome. Great.

They are so good. And he's from Queensland. There you go. The bloody Mazar. Murray, the artist and opera go, bloody good on you. Oh, artist slash operatic

singer in residence. I wonder what Murray thought of this week's, or sorry, three weeks ago as bookcheat. That's right. Matt and Evan came on to talk about Laboam, the Piccini Opera, my first ever opera episode. So, toy, toy toy.

To toy toy to you too. And a toy, toy, toy. That's a great one. Thanks, Murray. The next one comes from Andy Goldsmith, who's given himself the title, Abe Froman, sausage king of Chicago. I don't know what that to represent, but I love it. I love it a lot.

Oh, that's so good. Can you figure out what that's about, Dave? While I read Andy Goldsmith's quote, which is from Ferris Bure, great film, one of my favorites. Laugh moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, You could miss it. So true, Ferris.

So good. What a film. It's a great film. It holds up, too. I saw a little bit of it not too long ago. I was just on the tally, and it was great. Yeah, still great. Still great.

It looks like, do you say, what did you say, sorry? I was on it for one second. Ferris Bills is a good movie, that's all. Do you remember that Abe Froman, Sausage King is something from that movie? Yeah, I thought so. I didn't, I haven't seen it. It's like sausage king of Chicago sounds familiar. Yeah, I wonder what the...

Oh, I think it was when he was faking getting into that hoiky to-jy restaurant. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yes, he poses Abe Froman in order to get a table. Good stuff, everyone. That is very funny. And then I've looked up, there's an article on chicago tributan.com. There is indeed a sausage king of Chicago, and contrary to popular belief, it's not Abe Froman.

And there's a picture of another old man sitting next to a plate of sausage. Oh man, I'm hungry for sausage all of a sudden. Vienna beef CEO Jim Broadman, 75. Rodman, perfect name for a sausage guy. Wow. Is that nominism? Bit of a stretch. Sausages are like rods?

I think he's... I'll have one rod of meat. That's how they were originally described. Meat rod, please. Meat rod. A few, chuck a few meat rods on the barbie. Yeah, feed the family. A couple of meat rods.

Cheers, Andy. And the last one this week comes from Declan Grant. He's given himself the title of Horticultural Assets Coordinator. Very important role. Oh, thank goodness. Thank you so much. And Declan has offered us a fact. So we've got a fact quote and question this week, which is great.

Beautiful. Declan writes, a sunflower looks like one large flower, but each head is composed of hundreds of tiny flowers called florets, which ripen to become the seeds. This is the case for all plants in the sunflower family, including daisies, Yarrow, Golden Rod, which is another old name for sausages. Astas, Coriopsis, and Bachelor's Buttons,

which are bulletproof. That's fun. I love sunflowers. Beautiful. Very nice. Yeah. Gorgeous. Maybe my favourite flowers.

Will they move towards the sun? Oh. Oh, love that. Love that. How do they know? They're flowers. They know. Photosynthesis.

It's all part of the process. How do they do that? do it. Trust the process. That's what the Fowles always say. Thank you so much to Declan, Andy Murray and Drew for your facts, quotes and questions there this week. We also like to thank a few of our other long-term supporters.

Just normally comes up with a little game here to something to do with the day's topic. Yes. I was thinking their choice of weapon for a duel. Great one. Yeah, fantastic. All right. Well, if I may kick it off. Please.

I'd love to thank from Hearst in Texas, United States. Tim Liggett. And Tim is, of course, choosing. Oh, a vacuum cleaner. So your face said you had something. A vacuum jewel. Yeah, yeah. So we've got...

Is it like an infomercial? Unbelievable stains. Let's rub it in there. It's like, oh, six gallons of red wine. All right. I guess I'll spill that on this white carpet. Looks like they had a real party here last night. Let's see what we can do about this.

Let's see how many bowling balls we can pick up with this vacuum. You know, that's the fight. You suction cup of bowling ball and then trying to throw it at your moment. You got to release at the right time. You've got to clean the carpet after pro-heart's been involved. Oh, Mr. Hart. And then once you've done that, you suck up the bowling ball, fling it. That's a great jewel.

That's perfect, yeah. Geez, you'd want to have a fair bit of suction. We've done very well. well straight off the bat actually, I've got to say. Good luck, Tim. Is that a real high watermark there? No, but I think Tim, Tim's got it. Toy, toy, toy, toy, Tim.

I'd also love to thank from Sunny Mildura in Victoria, Australia. Sean Pratt. Did Sean Pratt? G there would be silent? Or pragged? Pragged or praggot? I don't know. Pratt.

Pratt. Sean Pact from Mildura. Had a great family holiday in primary school. go up in Mildura. I had a great time. You used to go to Mildura a lot. We had family friends there. Really quite a long drive.

Yeah, it's a big trip, but we'd go for a solid week or so. We had family friends who had kids same age as me. Amazing times. Spent a lot of time on the river in canoes, which is why Sean's choice of weapon is oars. Oh, yeah. Are they in canoes or are in dry land? You are in canoes?

You have to get close to each other and just beat the shit out of each other with all. Is canoe the one where you... No, that's a kayak. What's on with just a hole? A canoe can be long and it's open. Yeah. Yeah, great. Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah, pretty brutal, I've got to say. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Because, I mean, the tactic there, obviously, is you've got to use it to steer, but then also as the weapon. So very difficult to do. Yeah.

Yeah. But obviously, someone is growing up on the River in Mildura. Yeah, Sean. Exactly, yes. Unfortunately, Sean, you are up against. the awesome force. You are flat. Rest in peace, Sean.

Is this event sponsored by Goulburn Valley? Yes. Peaches Manga's Peaches. Some references for the overseas listeners there. And finally, I'd love to thank from Address Unknown. Can I only assume it's deep within the fortress of the Mollie Moles.

And we should really say right now if our future Moll over the world listening. We welcome you. We welcome you. We love you. We respect. Obviously, our podcast can be used to surround up other people.

Yeah. To work in your moly molly cow. And this one goes out to the moles. Toy, toy. So from Address Unknown, I'd love to thank Tim Not. Address is known. Tim Not is my uncle. Oh.

Uncle, Tim. I just didn't want to share that information with Matt and I. I get it, Tim. Yeah. But I know where he lives. And it's number eight. No. Thanks for your support, Uncle Tim.

That's lovely. Yeah. Great uncle. Not great. Like, he's in, he's a great. Really good uncle. A really good uncle. Oh, okay.

Great. I wasn't sure which way that was going. I'd love to thank Tim. Nah. He hasn't had that. His entire life. I'm going to step out of this one. Okay, okay.

You guys can choose. I don't want to be part of it. Tim, can you give us a clue? Give us something to work with you. Like, what? What do you want to know? I mean, because we want Tim to win this. What would be something that he would be really good at?

Okay, well, he's a very good singer. He's a musician. He's in a band. Okay, so we could, yeah, this could be duets style. Battle of the bands, kind of jewel. Yeah, yeah. So Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow are up against Tim Not, and who's Tim second? That's tough.

Maybe Gladys Knight. Okay. So Tim's playing the role of the Pips. Who's your money on? Oh, Gladys and Tim, no doubt. Triple threat. No doubt. Huey Lewis, unfortunately, has got an ear issue, Meniere's disease.

So he's, yeah, he's not able to sing. Which I didn't, when I put him up for the role, I didn't really, I was just, because there was a film that I've never seen called duets. Yes. Where he sang a duet with Gwyneth Paltrow. But yeah, he can't really sing anymore. So Tim's in the box season. It's all up to Gwen.

Gwen's doing both parts. Yes. Oh, good luck, Gwen. Very talented. Yeah, she's a great singer, but Tim's better. So. So, what can you do? Good luck, good luck, Uncle Tim.

What can you do? And as Matt would say, toy, toy, toy, toy, toy, toy, toy, toy, toy, toy, toy, toy, Toy, toy, toy, toy, toy, toy, Tom. Can I thank some people as well? Two Tim so far. Geez, we're on a Tim streak here. Can we get any more Tim's? But only one of them is related to me.

Okay, which one? Is that Uncle Tim? It's Uncle Tim. It's Uncle Tim. Uncle Tim is related to me. I would love to thank from Brunswick East in Victoria, Michael Russell. Oh, Michael Russell. Russell, rustling up a good feed.

Yes. Oh, okay. Knives. Kitchen knives. Kitchen knives. It's a kitchen fire. That's a chop off. Chop off.

And we've got to be very clear. This is chopping things with knives. This isn't getting your dicks out. As opposed to it'll chop out. Yeah, but you are getting. your dicks out and then chopping them with knives. Oh, each others? Yes.

That's the end goal. Imagine the jewel is you've got to cut off your own dick. You know what? I surrender. It's all right. I'll live in shame. I'll let you take the first shot here. It's a moil off.

Okay, so, yeah, Michael, Russell. Okay, no penises involved. Just chopping vegetables. Chopping vegetables. Something boring. Yeah, you've got to brunoir them. Is that a chop? I don't know.

Goodness. What's that mean? In Beer Pioneer, one time I did a session with a chef, and he taught me how to chop. And I think Brunois might have been, it's either a cooking thing or a chopping thing. Juliet. Yeah.

Julianne. Juliet is chopping. Yeah, maybe it was a Juliet. Maybe Brunoir might have been something else. All right, there you go. I can't wait to get an email about that one. So Michael Russell and the Chop Off. I'd also love to thank from Dublin.

In Dublin, Christopher McCann. What about fighting with a... It's a pocket full of sand jewel. Oh, it's a sand into the eyes. Try and throw heaps of sand until the other person dies. Wow. They could be there a while. You got big pockets, like cargo pants?

Big pockets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Many pockets. Christopher McCann has got like those military cargo pants with like 16 pockets. So the other guy's like, oh, I only were short. Yeah, no, that's your biggest mistake. Winner gets the title of Sandman. Yes.

Fighting for the title of Sandman. That's great. That's really good. And Christopher is, of course, going to be successful. Yeah, Christopher Can, the Sandman. Finally, for me, I would love to thank from Spring Hill in, I want to say, Tennessee, TN. Yeah. There's only two T's Tennessee and Texas.

Texas, TX. I would love to thank Lindsay Barker. Barker, it's a dog off. Okay, so you got. You've got to select, it's sort of like, what I understand Pokemon to be, which Dave, you grew up with. Love it. So, but instead of pocket monsters, you've got pocket dogs. And you go, I select, I choose you.

I wish I could carry my dog around in a little ball in my pocket. That's cute until the dogs start attacking each other. Yeah. But, I mean, those... It's dog fighting. It's dog fighting. It's a legal backshed dogfighting. Dogfighting, but just rebranded with Pokemon.

Yeah. Dave, do you think Humphersoning? he has any kind of killer instinct in him? Well, he woke up at 5am this morning for reasons unknown and just started barking up and down the hall. Okay. So, yes, I do. Yeah, right. Goose barked at a possum on our roof

the other day. That was very cute. Hell yeah. And it kind of scared the possum off and I was like, thanks, dude, that's been really annoying all night. Good work. Yeah, he certainly raised my killer instinct. Right. I was like, what the fuck? Is that what you call your dick? Yeah. Got me real horny

barking down the way at 5am. Nothing hotter. I'm so sorry. Have we chosen anything for... Oh yeah. It's Pokemon. Yes, gotcha. Pokemon dogs.

Yeah, great. Poca dogs. All right. Dave, do you want to thank some people? I would love to. I'd love to thank from Toledo in Ohio. Oh, God's country.

I'd like to thank Zachary Morris. Zachary Morris. Now, we know Zachary's a person that doesn't muck around because he's written in his name in all caps. Yeah, so it's got to be something full on. Yeah. Wow. He should, his name's actually, Zachary Morris.

And weapon of choice, monster trucks. Oh, fuck yes. A duel in monster trucks. Yeah. It's like, what was the medieval sport from a knight's tale, jousting. Jousting in Monster Truck. That is so good. Yeah, thank you.

Zachary Morris. So just real big jousts? Yeah, huge jousts, because it's got to be in, like, in proportionate. with the monster truck. I always look like a little antenna. It'd be like, what's that? On that monster truck. Yeah.

So it is in proportion and it will fuck you up. Yeah, right. Zachary Morris, Monster Truck jousting. I wish you all the best. That's sick, actually. I'm really proud of that one. That's really cool. I would like to thank now from Hayward in California.

It is Chad Porris. Chad. Chad Porras. That's a great name. So they went from Zach Morris to Chad Porous. I like this. All right, this is a challenge, a Tetris duel. Oh, okay.

So, and it starts where it's already like half the screen is already clogged up. So it's just that last hectic. Oh, no, no, oh no. So whoever lasts longer in that. Oh, no, no, no, toy, toy, toy. Yeah. Have mercy, toy, toy, toy, chad Boris. My money's on you.

I reckon you've got the Tetris brain. Yeah. Big time. Thank you so much. And finally I'd like to thank from Bonithyn in Canberra. It is Jaden Black. Jaden Black. It is a...

That just gives me like a real rock and roll kind of... So I'm thinking like a riff off on electric guitars. And then when you've had done your riff, you've smashed the guitar over each other's heads. Yeah. Okay. So you've got to get through a riff? And then smash the guitar.

And is it the same riff? So if you get to it quicker than the other person, you can start hitting them whilst they're still playing through the riff. Because you can't start attacking it. He's still like, do, do, do, do, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Yeah. Ow!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't retaliate until you finish the riff. I don't make the rules. Never interrupt the riff. Except if you're hitting someone over the head. Was it the Jack Black is what connection? Yeah, maybe. It's because I'm thinking, I was thinking blackboard.

I'm like, it's a dust off. Shows where our heads are at. You're a rock star. I'm dusting off a blackboard. Probably because blackboards didn't exist when you were a kid. Thank you so much, Dan, Black. And the last thing we like to do is thank a few of our long-term supporters in the Trip Ditch Club. The way this works is if you're supporting us for three years straight on the

the shout-out level or above, then we welcome you into the Triptitch Club. It's a beautiful place where everyone is just happy. And sexy. And sexy, yes. It's not their value, but they just feel good in themselves. That's right. I mean, this place exists in our hearts, but also physically we move it around this week. Jess, whereabouts is?

It is in your butt. It's in your butt. It's in your butt. It's in your butts. And the way this works is I've got the doorless, so I'm standing on the door. I'm going to read out your name, I'll lift the velvet rope. You'll come in, then Dave will hype you up. Because you, I mean, you come in feeling good.

It's the Triptage Club, baby. Hell yeah, you made it. This is what you want to be. Takes a lot for Dave to hype you up, so then Jess has Dave's back. Gives him a little juge as well, a little hype. Yeah, you put a little juzze on his tush. And Jess also has a few drinks, a few cocktails. and Dave has a band.

What kind of drinks we've got tonight? We've got the Jewel Special. Oh, yeah. There's specials, I should say. There's Sapphire. It's green. It's got Maduri in it. There's...

Which is weird, because that's a blue diamond. Sapphire, yes, I meant to say Emerald, but we have Emerald as well. By the way, just fucking with you as well. We've got Ruby. Is Sapphire blue? I think they're clear. Yes. Damn it.

I went so confident. Sapphire. No, I'm thinking of the wrong one. Sapphire is a blue. You're thinking of glass, Dave. I always think of glass. You're mad at the situation. And food-wise, we have, everything is in the shape of a hand in homage to jewels.

Hand sandwiches. Sorry, I'm thinking of a white sapphire, which does exist. Oh, shut up. Shut up, you loser. I'm actually thinking of white gold. I'm actually thinking of clear glass. And Dave, what band have you got playing? Well, Jess is going to be pretty excited that we've got not only Jewel, but also Jessica Simpson together.

Again, at last. Yes. Reunited. We've been waiting. And the cast of the Sapphires. Oh, very good. I went over your head on that one, Dave. He's like, no, Sapphire.

So we've got six inductees this week. Let's get to it on the door list. Welcome in from West Hills in California in the United States, Drew Paisner. Oh, what drew you here was a great time. Great Times, nah. Yes. Yes. Nice.

From Stockton in New South Wales, Australia, it's Teigen Doozie. Oh, this night's going to be a doozy. Yes. She said this night's going to be a Teigen. Which is what I call good things. From Clovis in California and the United States, it's Ian Goodlock. Oh, good luck in the third. Three bears, hell yeah.

It's basically good luck. Good luck and the three, hell yes. Stand by. From Overland Park in Kansas, I reckon in the United States. Savannah Floyd. Oh, I'm a fauna of Savannah. It's Dave. From New Haven in Seat.

Connecticut, I reckon in the United States, it's Jordan Gage. Going by the gauge, we're going to have a good time. That's my gauge. And finally, from Highlands Ranch in Colorado in the United States, it's Nick Lude. Ooh, Lude. I'm feeling rude with Nick Lood. So welcome in, Nick Jordan, Savannah, Ian, Tegan, and Drew. You didn't even need me that time, Dave.

You nailed that. You were really lifting me up, though, mate. No, stuff it. Without you, I'm nothing. Well, yeah, that's true all the time, but particularly. At this part, I'm just saying you did well. Hey, Dave, how many C states in America? I think we got three of them in that small group then.

Whoa. California, I reckon Connecticut, Colorado. Is there one other? It doesn't matter. All right, I mean, it matters to them, probably. Kississippi. Kississippi. Cicepi.

Cucoscippi, that's where I want to boo. So that brings us to the end of the episode. We made it, everyone. Can you believe it? Because we always do Here at DoGo On headquarters Yeah, I'm just looking it up so we don't get people pissed off There are three Cs, we do!

Yeah, we love! Remember the three Cs. We got them all, amazing. That's special. Hey, thanks to everyone that supports the show on patreon.com slash do go on pod or do go onpod.com. You hold special places in our hearts. And yeah, we really do appreciate it.

And busts. Yeah. Come on down to the club. Thank you so much for listening to this. episode we'll be back next week with another one but if you want to stay in touch with us between now and then you can follow us at do go on pod on social medias do go on pot.com has links to all that sort of stuff as well as merchandise and yeah we've got a few gigs coming out hopefully there'll be a few more you know shows on the horizon so keep your eyes peeled for that we

always announced those first to patreon and then to uh onto social media and on the show of we got to get to new zealand yeah gosh that's out some of those accents yeah see we can that'd be choice Hello Tom, hello Fall. Bit of a classic bit. Is that if you see Tim and Phil? That's if I see Tim and Phil. Okay, yeah, gosh, that would be good.

I think as far as I, Tony Martin's old show, made clear they're quite big on the radio there. Okay. Tom and Fall. Gotcha. Drive show. Ah. They do pranks and stuff.

We're doing a prank call today. We're calling up the Mossen. Musson Parsons Department to report our Mosin Jandals. Sorry. This is a Moss and Persons department. This is for Muslim persons. Muson Jandals are a comfy bit of footwear.

Can't wait to try this out on the road. So yeah, get in contact with us at Do Go On Pod. But until next week, we'll be back. And until then, I'll say goodbye. Later. Bye. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are

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