Two In The Think Tank - 308 - The Disappearance of 'The Canoe Man'

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey everybody, Jess and Dave, just jumping in really quickly at the top here to make sure that you are across all the details for our upcoming Christmas show. That's right, we are doing a live show in Melbourne Saturday December the 2nd, 2023, our final podcast of the year, our Christmas special. It's downstairs at Morris House, which usually be called the European beer cafe. On Saturday December the 2nd, 2023 at 4.30pm, come along, come one, come all, and get tickets at dogoonpod.com. This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now.

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Starting point is 00:01:23 You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time, mycomputercareer.edu. Hello and welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dave Wanuki and as always I'm here with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins. Hey Dave, how's it going? Jess as well also, how are you going? You're so far. Well I'm good. Just get that in there. And I'm glad to hear that, Dave. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:02:08 And I appreciate you and I love you. And Matt, you've got a lot of work to do, young man, to win back my affection. Oh, no. Sorry. A lot of work to do. Old man. Oh, no.

Starting point is 00:02:22 You really told it how it is there. Yeah we started really and I think that's a fun way to begin. Hey Jess have you got a block fever? Oh boy I was starting to feel a little woozy. I think I'm coming down in the case of... I've got to think of another illness. Blockitis. Blockitis. A classic addeditis to anything. Oh. Is there a test for blockitis? Yeah, they wave a finger in front of you.

Starting point is 00:03:00 But. You finish but and if you but follow the finger, they go, oh, babe, you got a bag. My butt can't say anything. We should explain. Blocks coming up, the month formerly known as October is now known as Blockbuster Tober or Block Tober or Block Tofer Grace period. Amongst other things, it is block.

Starting point is 00:03:20 It is the happiest time of the year. It's where on this podcast we do the biggest most requested topics. Only a few weeks before block begins, so it's up to you dear listener to let us know what these topics are. We've got a short list, it's been put together by our Patreon supporters,

Starting point is 00:03:38 our do-go on extraverts, et cetera. And now we need you to vote for your favorites. This is open to everyone, this poll, and top I think for maybe five if we annex the end of September again will be the big block topics for 2021 so there'll be a link in the show notes click on that and you can vote for as many of the topics as you like all your favorites and And you can vote for as many of the topics as you like all your favorites. And yeah, I'm telling you what, I'm getting pumped for block. I can't wait. I am also a bar.

Starting point is 00:04:09 You get a ripped for block? I'm getting ripped. I pulled out the dumbbell, the barbell set, and yeah, I'm getting ripped for block. Yeah. I was doing some squats last night, and I don't have a squat rack. And so I was able to get the barbell over on to my shoulders, did my set of 12. Could not get it back,

Starting point is 00:04:31 was stuck for quite a while with a barbell sitting on my back. Good. I think I've done some damage to my back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So my fitness regime is going strong. Yes, as long as you are ripped for block, I don't care. I might not be ripped, but I may have a disc out of place.

Starting point is 00:04:54 Okay. I might not be ripped, but I might be bulged. That's something you can have with a bulged my back. Yeah. Anyway, enough of that. I've got a bulge. Block is still a few weeks away. Oh, David.

Starting point is 00:05:06 In the meantime, Dave, how does this show work? Well, what we do here, Matt, is take an intense report on a topic often suggested by a listener, go away, do a bit of research, bring it back to the other people in the form of a report, and basically inform their little minds. We listen, we learn, and we laugh. Yes, we try. We try to laugh. Yes, we try, we try to laugh. We try to listen, we try to learn.

Starting point is 00:05:27 And it is my turn this week to give the report to you, the SAS twins. So may God have mercy on my soul. And we always start with a question. And to be honest, it couldn't come up with something that had the answer to this episode. So we can just talk about it. What is the, we can just talk about this. What is the, we can just talk about this.

Starting point is 00:05:45 What is the worst name for a superhero? Oh. She Hulk. Ha ha ha ha. Damn. All right. Three of them. Correct.

Starting point is 00:05:56 Now listen to Bob message the comic book cover this week or last week, where it was She Hulk marrying Mollman. Oh, that's good stuff. What would their children look like if they choose to have children? A little green Molls. Hulk Molls. Hulk Molls. I'm guessing it's not shehawk. It's not shehawk.

Starting point is 00:06:17 It's definitely going to end in man. Yes, you're right, it's the something man. Okay, okay, okay, let us have a crack. So, is it, can we have a clue on what the something is? Like, is it a, I don't know, helping you. I can give you a clue. It's something you use in water. Dirty man.

Starting point is 00:06:40 Something you use in water, soap man. Oh, yeah, that's more sense. Or on water. Boat man. Oh, skim man. Getting closer. Oh, hovercraft man. Oh, submarine man.

Starting point is 00:06:52 Oh, a little bit higher on the water. Okay, jet skim man. Hovercraft man. Dave, put it out of our misery. You want me to put you out of your misery? No, I really want to get it though. Oh, that man. Paddling.

Starting point is 00:07:07 Cano man. It's like man. It's like man. Cano man. It's the cano man. Cano man. Cano man. That's this week's topic is called the Cano Man.

Starting point is 00:07:18 I love it. Well, let me give you a little paragraph of backstory here before we jump into the report. So on the 21st of March, 2002, 51-year-old John Darwin paddled out to see in his technically kayak from Seton, Peru, on the northeast of England. When he failed to show up for work, a large scale sea search took place but recovered nothing. Was he kayaking to work? No, he was going for a pleasure kayak. Okay, yeah. I'm going to say. I like how you specified sea search. Like if you just said search, we'd be like where though. I mean, it was lost at sea, but where are they lookingah where they're looking. I'm like, I'm looking at local Greeks.

Starting point is 00:08:06 They went into space. And it seems that he had disappeared without a trace. That was until five and a half years later when on December 1, 2007 at 5.30 in the afternoon, John entered a London police station claiming that he had amnesia. Whoa. This is an episode of Neighbours.

Starting point is 00:08:28 How are we shiptied this? Honestly. He drowned on the show. But then years later, he turned up in Tasmania as a, as a Salvation Army, a chuba player or something. And he had amnesia. So do you think this, do you think kayak man based his life on Superman and neighbors? Yeah, I believe so. So of

Starting point is 00:08:51 course the question is what the hell had happened to him for the past five and a half years? Can I have a quick guess? Went through some sort of vortex or portal? Yeah. Alright, well we end the story here. Thank you. Do what we've been doing this podcast for almost six years, and it will never, ever not be funny for one of us to have a pretty early guess at the report giving it a go, and that's the show. Okay. Just wrap it up. Eight minutes in.

Starting point is 00:09:25 That will never not be funny. And the day, the day that we decide not to make that joke, or somebody makes it in the other two go, that is the day this podcast dies. Exactly. Well, I'm afraid Matt, you didn't actually quite get it right, because I'm going to tell you about it. This is the story of the man or the guy known as the canoe man. Cano man.

Starting point is 00:09:56 It's a beautiful name. Beautiful name. Good boy, all girl. Please, I'll be introduced to you today. Baby daughter, canoe man. Matt, Dave, I'd love you to my baby daughter, canoe man. Matt Dave, I'd love you to meet my daughter, canoe man. Put it there, canoe man. That's you, me, you get an infant, put it there. Hey, now you look at me and the awa and check, man, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm, firm check, man. Oh my god. Stop it, my dad literally did that.

Starting point is 00:10:27 Oh. I've got uncle Z used to that to me as a kid. Yeah, that's that to every, every boy we knew. nephew's family friends. Fer man, check. Eye contact, smile. I think you did it to me the first time I met him. Yeah, sounds better.

Starting point is 00:10:43 I'm gonna wet fish. What is it? What's this wet fish you give me? Hey. Joke, do you also have for the Loggeretic joke about trying to arm wrestle your future daughters? Yeah, that's right. Boyfriends? That's right. Any partner that is brought into my home, I, a man or woman, I will be arm wrestling them. I'll say, put it there.

Starting point is 00:11:07 Come on, put it, come on. To assert my dominance. Yeah, you must. Yeah, go to get early. Disciple, what I'm going to do is shiv them. Didn't say that come and did you? Yeah. Yeah. The biggest boyfriend or girlfriend that's brought home, I will shiv. Yeah. It's Jaliyard rules. I'm gonna go for what I learned in high school in my Catholic or girl school, which is psychological warfare. So I will be acting super sweet to them, so, so nice,

Starting point is 00:11:38 but then just making little undercut little jabs, little remarks that make them feel really shit about themselves. Mother-in-law from hell. Passing your kid's dad notes at the dinner table. And then laughing about the problem. Yes. Oh hey, that's a cute dress, I guess.

Starting point is 00:12:02 Have we got here so early? Sorry, I've only got a sentence out of it. Honestly, I was trying to get... And honestly, that was a paragraph to try and suck every one in, trying to build a bit of Bill's suspense about canoe man. I'm sucked in. It worked. I'm sucked in like I'm sucked into a vortex.

Starting point is 00:12:15 Or vortex. It's a pretty wild story, a man just turns up at the police station saying, Hey, I've got amnesia, my name's John Darwin. I can't remember anything for the last five and a half years. And then... But he knew his name. Yeah, he was just missing a big chunk in his life. And he said, I think I'm a missing person, he said.

Starting point is 00:12:31 Wow. Yeah. So let's go back way back to the beginning. John Darwin was born on August 14th, 1950, in Hartley Pool, a place where I've eaten a pie and which Jess does not remember. Hartley pool, they're the town that killed a monkey because they thought it was a Frenchman. Do we have a picture of this monkey? Yeah, I've got a photo with me next to it. There's two different, there's like a chimps statue.

Starting point is 00:13:00 So funny that they've at first the town thought a monkey was a Frenchman and then later when they commemorated it Made a statue of a different animal They bought a chimfer as a monkey Was it by the sea? Yes, it was by the sea. Okay, I think I'm very grey and misty. Yeah, okay Imagine that weather throughout this whole report honestly So in December 1973, John married Anne, and the couple had two sons together, Mark and Anthony,

Starting point is 00:13:30 which is funny because it sounds like Mark Antony, the Roman general. Mark Antony. So they didn't choose Cano Man for either of their boys or girls. Interesting. He saw both sons and went, now I'll say it for the next one. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:47 Cano Man Jr. Cano Jiu. Cano Jiu. Put it there. How can I wait to see you interact with some children? Put it there. This baby's not shaking my hand. It's weird. John Darwin worked as a school teacher teaching chemistry

Starting point is 00:14:09 and maths for 18 years before changing careers and working as a prison guard and worked as a doctor's receptionist. And according to a relative who later gave a scathing interview for a documentary produced for Channel 4, that will of course link to you can watch it on YouTube. John had high hopes and wanted to be very wealthy. He doubled in stocks, sold things at car boot sales, which is really going for there. And together with his wife, they dreamed of being property millionaires. And for a while,

Starting point is 00:14:42 they were doing pretty well. They had 13 properties that they let out in the town of Seton. They let out in the town. All right, off you go, little properties. Have a good night. That's the thing, you know, with a lot of property owners forget that properties need to mature at their own rate. They need autonomy. Yeah. And part of that is letting them go out and figure out who they are. No, I mean, and trusting they'll come back to you. Hmm.

Starting point is 00:15:10 Well, this one will not shake my hand. What I should have said is they have 13 properties that they rented out, guys. That's what I meant. You probably didn't find that. Right. Oh, I get it. Sorry, misunderstanding there. They didn't allow their properties to go and explore who they are.

Starting point is 00:15:28 No, they're very conservative people. Oh, God, these two. They want to be property millionaires anyway. They've only got 13. That's like what? 990, what? 997. A lot more properties to get.

Starting point is 00:15:47 900, and 99,087 more properties. You see what I'm trying to get? You're so close. I mean, you, there's an error rate of 900 there, but that is okay. And this is in the coastal town of Seton Caru on the northeast of England, just south of Hartleypool. And they lived themselves in a property overlooking the ocean. A beautiful view of an ocean that, to be honest, is probably never warm enough to swim in, but they can still see it. And they were expanding their little

Starting point is 00:16:21 empire when the purchase of two further properties got them into a spot of debt. The rents from their tenants were no longer covering their multiple mortgages. So they did that thing where you buy one property and then you mortgage that and then you buy one off the back of that. And it's like a chain. You know that thing, Jess? Yeah, obviously. Totally.

Starting point is 00:16:40 Yeah, the costically, we've ever done it. Ever has done it! Well, it is risky because if they all cover each other, then that's totally fine, but if one falls out, then it's a chain that can collapse very, very quickly. And they found the rents from their tenants were no longer covering these multiple mortgages, so they were either going to have to declare bankruptcy or come up with another way to pay their bills. And how does one come up with such a large sum of money so quickly? Well, how about...

Starting point is 00:17:12 Carax. ...how about fake your own death, a foolproof plan that always works out super well. Oh, okay. And on the 21st of March, 2002, after finishing his night shift at the prison, John was seen by his neighbours paddling out to sea in his kayak. And it was a bit of a rough day out at sea. So that's why the neighbours were seeing him go. They remember thinking, geez, why is he going now?

Starting point is 00:17:40 It's a bit dangerous out there. He wasn't, however, seen making a return. And when he failed to turn up to work his wife and reported him missing, and it was full panic stations. A police plane with heat seeking equipment, five lifeboats, two ghost card and also coast guard teams. Ghost card? Yeah. Oh, you know, it's serious when they get the ghost card out there. Yeah, honestly. They're not fucking about when they get ghost card. Let me tell you.

Starting point is 00:18:12 Honestly, I'm sick of these spirits playing the ghost card. Honestly, we get it. Oh, they also had an RAF helicopter all called to search for John. It was a sea search. All up the sea search went for 16 hours and cost over 100,000 pounds. And of course, they found no trace of John. Oh, John, where'd you go?

Starting point is 00:18:38 The next day his canoe was discovered, wrecked and Anne had the horrible job of breaking the news to their sons. Anthony 42 and Mark 45, that their father was dead. Well, I mean, they found the canoe. So really, once you should have been breaking to them was boys who were in your mid-40s, your father's canoe. Hang on, I've put in their ages, I think, now, because there's no way that he was 15.

Starting point is 00:19:04 I was going to say, was 42? Is 45? No, that's how all I think now because there's no way that he was for f**king... I was going to say, we're for f**king 45. No, that's how all they are now. It's an ongoing story. Oh, what? Hey. Otherwise, yeah, I'm like, wait, how long did this property venture go for? The weather is pretty calm up there.

Starting point is 00:19:22 I didn't say it was, it went on for four decades. There's not much to do in sitting career they get too early. He died canoeing at the age of 103. Gone too soon. The canoe we mean honestly in the Presuminings. So these are guys they're ready. They are adult boys but they've been told by their their mom sorry, but I think your dad is dead. Okay. So they're not in on it. Wait, is the wife in on it? Well, Matt, she, however, knew he wasn't dead because she was in on the scheme.

Starting point is 00:19:54 What it happened was after paddling out of sight, John had returned to land and his wife, Anne, had picked him up and taken him to a train station and he traveled to another county in late low for a few days. Oh, that's amazing that they just let their kids think he was dead. They didn't trust him though. Those kids are rats or something. Do they get a rat vibe from the kids?

Starting point is 00:20:16 I mean, they're only 42 and 45. I mean, can they be trusted? One of them was a barrister. Did they get a rat vibe from their kids? Oh, you can't trust these kids and come back rats. Who raised them? I told me the other day not to let Mom know that I must have an extra cookie and he spilled the beans.

Starting point is 00:20:36 I don't trust this rat. Can't trust his rat, these kids rats. I'm at, yeah, I don't know. It feels, I mean, they're obviously not thinking super logically when they go on through the plan like this. Yeah. But while to be like, they must have thought about it. So how old do you think the kids were approximately? Probably about 30. 30ish.

Starting point is 00:20:55 Right, so they're gonna understand faking your own death by that age. Do you understand it 30? I don't know. I mean, I'm 31 and it's a new concept to me, but I think I'm getting my head around it. But I'm a pretty immature 31. I feel like some other people with some more life experience than me might grasp it quicker. It's hard to know, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:21:19 Is this a new concept you just, Dave talked about a guy faking his own death about a month ago? Was that? Yeah, it sounds like a rat concept to you Jess? Dave talked about a guy faking his own death about a month ago. What's that? Yeah, it sounds like a rat talking to me. What are you talking about, rat? You were in a wire. What's all that recording equipment in front of your box?

Starting point is 00:21:36 Why are we hearing headphones talking to a microphone? First sauce. You guys are wearing headphones talking to microphones. Oh my god, I'm also a rat. We're all... We're the rats here. Whoever rats first, you're a rat king. So he laid low for a bit. John Darwin quietly returned to his house a couple of days later

Starting point is 00:21:55 and began lying low at the family home. What? He and Anne lived in the three-story terrace house. This is the one overlooking the ocean. They also happen to own the building next door. So John installed a secret door behind what looked like a cupboard, meaning that he could slip to the top floor of the house next door as soon as they had any unexpected visitors.

Starting point is 00:22:17 He even laid a cement floor. I see. I love the secret door. It was so, so cool. He even laid a cement floor so that the creaking floorboards would not arouse suspicion as people rented the levels below. Clever. And this worked for a while, but it seems he got a bit bored. He decided to start going for walks in the community. for walks in the community. I wrote his village. What?

Starting point is 00:22:45 Eve, I've been put on a fake mustache. He grew his hair in a long gray beard and walked with a limp and a walking stick to disguise himself whenever he left home. But it's a relatively small community and all of a sudden a stranger with some really noticeable characteristics, like a big beard and a lip, you'd be like,

Starting point is 00:23:06 I see that man around a bit, and I don't know where he lives or where he's come from. The town gossips would be gone well. I'm just saying that. The town gossips. That's me. You're calling me up, God. Matt.

Starting point is 00:23:20 Matt. Have you seen this new man in town? You've got some competition for Towns Best Bid. But don't worry, your competition for Best Limb is. You've still got in, babe. So this is just by living in the same house in a village with only 6,000 people. What?

Starting point is 00:23:39 If he comes out, people would be like, ah, Anne's got a new man. She's really got a type. He looks a lot like her old man, but with a beef. Well, that's not a typie, is it? Beards a typie. Oh, okay. They'd be going, gee, she's really changed.

Starting point is 00:23:53 I mean, not in most features, but a typie used to be a guy without a beard and limp. I didn't know she was into beards, there you go. Yeah, wouldn't have picked that. The guy with the town beards, like, damn, what did I ask her out? With The guy with the town beets like damn what am I ask around? With the guy with the town beat. Yeah, we got the town gossiping on the town beat. The town beets like hang on a second. The town beat here. John just into a duel. To beat off. So he's going for little walks. Even this wasn't enough. And soon he rejoined society as John Jones.

Starting point is 00:24:25 Get fucked. So John Jones is a real person. He had the same birth year of 1950 as John Darwin, but had died at only a few weeks old. And John Darwin had saw John Jones grave in the local cemetery with a similar birth and went bang. That's what I'm going to impersonate. He was a similar age.

Starting point is 00:24:42 And also sharing the same first name. If someone yelled out John, he'd instinctively turn around. Right. So the family of John Jones, are they surprised that their kid, who they buried, what 60 years earlier, is now back with a limp? Well, they definitely didn't know at the time, but they were told years later when this became a big story and they were very upset.

Starting point is 00:25:09 Yeah, I imagine that's awful. He said, I chose the baby because I didn't want to ruin anyone's life, anyone who's still alive. So that's why he said, I chose that identity. I chose a dead baby instead. I just wouldn't have worked. If you, no, I'm the real you, I chose that identity. I chose a dead baby instead. I just wouldn't have worked. If you...

Starting point is 00:25:26 No, I'm the real you. I mean me. Like, I want to work. They would have gone, I've got a lot of proof and a family who knows me as this person. Yeah, well, I'm the new guy in town. Why did he even need to make up that night? Oh, no, yeah, there's a reason. Is he in the identity any further? He was able to... This is night like... Oh, now, yeah, there's a reason. It's in the identity any further.

Starting point is 00:25:45 He was able to... This is so odd to me, but he was able to order a copy of the baby's birth certificate by visiting his local registry office, which seems ridiculous. And then he obtained a library card from Hartley Paul in the name of John Jones. So he faked his own death and then joins the local library

Starting point is 00:26:01 just six weeks later. Oh my gosh. And according to live Gazette, he convinced the librarian of the library that he was John Jones. She was so convinced that he was Jones that she signed his passport application. The passport featured him with a beard. He even used his real address when filling out the details of the passport. So pretty brazen stuff.

Starting point is 00:26:25 But it worked. Well, I mean, why wouldn't she believe him to be John Jones, I guess? Yeah. Yeah, like he's got the birth certificate. But it's amazing that was six weeks later. So his beard's only six weeks long at most. So he's a big beard. Daniels is a few years long and it is pathetic.

Starting point is 00:26:43 Oh, come on. Give me another six weeks. Give me another six weeks. Six weeks is not big bushy beard. Yeah. It's not enough that it really disguise you. No, but did I tell you about the limp? It was a pretty big limp. Oh, okay. He probably has a hat as well. Yeah, surely. Put on some glasses, some dark, rimmed glasses or something. Yeah. I hope he put on an accent too, did he? Hello!

Starting point is 00:27:07 Oh wait, he's already English. Mickey Armo, John Jones. Comestie? That's cosy cosy. So, amazingly, so he's already able to obtain a legit passport with a fake name and his photo. He even began turning up at the properties that he owned with Anne, calling himself a handyman, performing odd jobs around the place.

Starting point is 00:27:34 When strangers like Trades would drop by Anne's house, he'd be there and she'd explain, oh, this is just my handyman, but then John would go on to tell them exactly what to do and act like a client. And at least one trade he thought this was a really weird behaviour. He later told the docker team, I haven't said to my wife, strange people. Just imagine that in a Jordi accent. It was very funny.

Starting point is 00:27:57 Hey Dave, all we know of Hartley Pool so far is that they were convinced a monkey was a Frenchman and that a man without a limp had a limp. I just think there might be a gullible city. I think they are. I think they are. And his new identity didn't come without its close calls. He was spotted in 2003 by a former colleague from Home House Prison.

Starting point is 00:28:21 East War, it was John, and even reported that he'd seen John to the police. When confronted by the cops, Mrs Darwin told the officers that the colleague must have made a mistake having spotted a quote, cousin who just looked like him. Can we meet this cousin? No, they went out for a kayak and they didn't come back. Wow, that's the 12th cousin that's happened to. At this point do the kids know? They still do not know. Wow.

Starting point is 00:28:50 Are they not visiting? Or when they visit he runs up his secret house. He hides. Oh my god. Anyone that would know him that visits, he hides. He's out in the fucking town. The whole town knows that Anne has this random guy called John hanging around her house all the time. With a beard.

Starting point is 00:29:06 But when he's own children visit, he's like, oh, better hide. What the fuck? He wasn't faking his death for the money. He was to get away from his kids. Ha ha ha. Just stop calling them. Ha ha ha. Just from... you can just distance yourself from your kids. You don't have to fake your idea.

Starting point is 00:29:28 Have they moved to London or something or what's happened there with the kids? Are they still around? Yeah, I don't know where they were working, but they were working like sort of financing job. So maybe they had moved away to London and that maybe Anne's going to visit them. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 00:29:42 That's bonk. But somehow they were kept in the dark. They must feel awful about it when it comes out. How strange would you feel? You'd be like, oh, what a relief you didn't die, but is this worse? I'd be such a strange. What a relief you didn't die because now I'm going to kill you.

Starting point is 00:29:58 That would be me. In the movie, that's definitely the line they would use when it gets turned into a comedy. Well, Let me tell you, there are not one but two film adaptations of the story. And not meant to be a comedy, but one of my wife's certainly is. They took quite a few liberties with Mrs. Deutre Fyre, but thead adaptation, yeah. The accent is accurate. That's a hearty, poor accent. Hello! Hello, it's all the way! One day, John was at a group of flats that he owned and one of the tenants, a guy called

Starting point is 00:30:34 Lee Wardrop, which is an incredible name. Lee Wardrop bumped into John Darwin on the stairs. He immediately recognized him and said, aren't you supposed to be dead? Whoa. To which John replied, don't tell anyone about this. Didn't even try. He did not even try to be like, sorry. No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:30:55 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, try. Uh, what drop didn't tell anyone later telling police, I just didn't want to get involved.

Starting point is 00:31:05 Yeah, I feel that. Ah, I can be bothered. I'm baffled and strangely angered by this story. Why am I so mad about this? Not sure. But I am. I'm really mad. Of course, the whole purpose of faking of the death was to avoid bankruptcy and claim life insurance money and access his pension money early and pushed for a death certificate to be issued.

Starting point is 00:31:32 And because John's battered canoe had been found, because he'd pushed it out to see, a death certificate was issued despite the lack of body. All up, over £250,000 in insurance and pension money was claimed, which is well over half a million Aussie dollars. So now he's both officially faked his own death and faked his own birth, because he got to fake birth certificate, fake death certificate. I reckon now he should fake his death again as John Jones. John Jones should die again. Double in demnity. Can't get me twice for the same crime.

Starting point is 00:32:06 Yes. If I kill two people, can't get me twice for it. So I mean that might be in a different country but still. Whatever. I've seen the Ashley Judd movie. Yes. I've seen the Ashley Judd trailer for the movie. She did her time. I watched the second half of it once on Channel 9 in 2004. I don't know what I'd feel.

Starting point is 00:32:32 I actually watched it at Gold Class. Where were you? Do you have a curry? Yeah, jam factory Gold Class. What'd you eat? Yeah, snacks. That wasn't the time I had the curry. That was a different time.

Starting point is 00:32:44 That was during one of the time I had the curry. That was a different time. That was during one of the ones with that, the bone arrow. Hunger games. Hunger games. Do you think that if you'd had a second curry, it wouldn't have been bad because it was double jeopardy? Yeah, double-carry jeopardy. Yep.

Starting point is 00:32:58 Can't see each other around. Now I had a, I remember having it, because I was on my peas, I think I had a light beer and a chop-top and a hot chocolate. Just I was on my peas, I think I had a light beer and a Choc-top and a hot chocolate just living on my first spot. What are you fart? I've been here in a fart drink. Well, that's a fart piece.

Starting point is 00:33:16 Separately you go. I'll have the beer, a third of the way through the film. I'll have the Choc-top halfway through the film and I'll have the hot chocolate two sears the way still all sitting in your thumb too close together. That's living the God class life baby. Oh no that's living the I'm 18 years old life. Yeah, just thinking about that's given my 30 year old body acid refu**s. Anyway, what rabbit hole we down now? I'm confusing two different times. I think that movie came out when I was a teen. That's right.

Starting point is 00:33:49 I think you're reaching for your phone to try and work out your receipts for Gold Class. No, no, no. Let me check my Google Calendar. That was a different... What was that movie when I saw it? I said those things. Double Deppie. Double Deppie.

Starting point is 00:34:04 I didn't have a light beer, but I had the things? Double DEFY. Double DEFY. I didn't have a light beer, but I had the other two, I'm sure. So much better combo. Yeah, all out of that. The beer was the problem there. Yeah. Anyway, he's got half a million Aussie dollars,

Starting point is 00:34:14 250,000 pounds. This is more than enough to clear their debts. They then started selling off their investment properties at a profit and hid their somewhat ill-gotten gains in a web of offshore accounts, which was meant they were able to elude the authorities and the taxman. So many of these kind of crimes feel like more stress than they were. Now, I disagree. I think it's completely worth it because money is awesome. And let's not forget that when you have heaps of it, your life is better and also you

Starting point is 00:34:49 can't die. And when you do eventually die, you take all that money with you. That's true. The best thing about this plan is he gets to live in the attic. It's so good. This plan has zero downsides. I mean, he can go and walks. You join the library. He's living a good life. You can never talk to your sons again or ever meet your grandchildren. Why did they leave town? I don't understand why they didn't move. Actually, that's a good point, Matt. Now he's debt-free. He's got to fake passport. Why don't I do a little bit of travel? The couple traveled to Cyprus

Starting point is 00:35:27 with the intention of buying some land, but found that it took too long to get the ball rolling on any deals. You know, they're on aisle and time over there. So the fraudsters returned to their little hideout. Just wait a bit longer. But living locked down and hidden behind a cupboard for most of your day can be pretty dull.

Starting point is 00:35:44 So John had gotten quite into playing online fantasy games. Oh my God. One of which is cool. Fancy football. I just joined an NFL fantasy league. Is that what you mean? No, I'm talking about all like, uh, world, uh, what are they called? What an MMORPG? Yes, MMORP. He was playing Asheron's call one of the original major major M-M-O-R-P-G's. I was going to call them www.games, but no, you're right. They're at M-M-R-O-P-G's. Technically, I think you're right. It was playing on a PC.

Starting point is 00:36:15 M-M poor G's, as I like to call them. One of Elizabeth II's. One of them many boys. Secret affairs. We all know Elizabeth's boyfriend, Porgy. It's a household name, everybody knows Porgy. Now let's stop talking about it. If I'm bored of it, move on.

Starting point is 00:36:40 Sorry, we talked a bit about Porgy last week, listen. If you missed it, what that was about? I looked it up, his name was actually Porgi, I was so close. So close. Just the confidence that you said it was very funny. You guys know, we're like, what? And then you walked back so quickly. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:00 I will walk back anything so quickly. I'll walk back things that are 100% true very quickly if anyone shows a fraction of death. My name's Matt, Matt. Yeah, wouldn't, well, maybe not. I mean, technically it is Matthew, but a shortened version of that that I often go by. If that's all right with you, is Matt, yes.

Starting point is 00:37:24 Pulled it there. So it is playing Asterion's call, according to the games website, I'd never heard of it, but it is where thousands of players inhabit a beautiful 3D fantasy world to make friends and seek out perilous adventure. And John did make friends and he got talking to a woman named Kelly Steele, a married mother of two who lived in Kansas. Fuck it out, John. What are you up to now, you piece of shit? Well, he's always scheming, yes.

Starting point is 00:37:53 He's a wheeler and dealer. And the two got talking about how land was dirt, cheap, where she lived. And how good it would be to do up a cattle ranch together. And apparently, that was one of his dreams now, was to be a cattle ranch together. And apparently there was one of his dreams now, was to be a cattle rancher. Of course it was. Even if you've heard the money to buy it and then she'd buy it in her name, she'd then renovate it and run the ranch and they'd split the profit. And at first she thought that he was joking, but then the money actually appeared in her account. She was like, oh, it's got serious. I mean, how much do you think someone is?

Starting point is 00:38:25 Oh, I just thought he was joking. I gave him my bank details. That's right. Just because, I mean, you pretty much, it wasn't a surprise to you the money arrived in your bank schedule. She's laughing on, that's my BSP. Yeah, and he's my cat lover.

Starting point is 00:38:40 And yeah, LOL. Slapping her knee. Anything else you need? Yes, it is bank West. You know, I like to thought that much of a surprise is it if you've provided those details? Well, the money arrived and she was surprised, despite this, she bought a really run down old ranch,

Starting point is 00:38:58 like really run down. And then John flew to Kansas using his fake passport. But when he arrived, Kelly immediately got some weird vibes from him. Yeah, no shit, because he's a fucking weirdo. Well, she later recalled that after he arrived, he went to her house and he went to get changed, but he didn't close the door. And she was like, I've got kids in this house. This is super weird.

Starting point is 00:39:21 He's just like taking your pants off of the door open. So she started getting weird vibes. She then took him to a local hotel and never let him come into her house again. Oh my God. Oh my God. That is so weird. He just doesn't know how to deal with people anymore

Starting point is 00:39:37 as he actually have sex pests. Well, she later told, she tells the documentary, she's interviewed, she goes, I told him, well, what are you doing? I don't know what you're doing, your country bit in America, we close the door when we take off our pants. It's like, yeah, we do that everywhere. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:55 So she was like, I don't want to hear anymore, I took into a hotel. But sadly, Vicaly, she was financially tied to this man. And she had no idea that he'd faked his own death and was a total con artist. But she did soon experience John Darwin's dark side. That's because. That's his butt. I told you, close the fucking door.

Starting point is 00:40:17 Things didn't move as quickly on the ranch as he would have liked. Basically, it was a total mess. The property needed a complete overhaul, which of course takes time. But John was not a patient man. After a couple of weeks, Kelly asked him to go back to England, which he did. Hang on. John wasn't a patient man, you say? No.

Starting point is 00:40:36 Like a how after a few weeks of faking his death, he'd already assumed another identity was out walking in his fucking village. He's got so much fun. He joined the library. He joined the library. Yeah, he does it. Oh, he's a patient. He's easy. He's a repatient. I hate this man. Well, you're about to hate him even more, Jess. Let me tell you that. He went home to England, but he kept harassing Kelly with emails, asking why I was taking so long, why Kelly couldn't get the ranch up to scratch sooner. He got more and more aggressive with her until one day he said, I want my half of the investment

Starting point is 00:41:13 back right now. But Kelly didn't have the money, couldn't sell the ranch, and couldn't get alone. And that's when things got really nasty. Kelly later said that he threatened to kill her and her family if she didn't pay up. He claimed to know a gangster from New York who would enforce the debt and make sure that she paid up. He emailed saying, this is how unhinged she was. Some questions you may think about.

Starting point is 00:41:35 Why did my horse get sick? Do the brakes in my car need checking? Was it the Godfather Part One where that man's favorite horse got its head cut off? But just such a wild speculation. It's like, yes, it was the Godfather Part One, where that man's favourite horse got its head cut off, which is such a wild speculation. It's like, yes, it was the Godfather Part One. Yeah, that's him just getting distracted mid-Aima. Which one I want to chuck in a film later, and that's my favourite bit.

Starting point is 00:41:56 I want to allude to a threat about cutting your favourite horse's cut off. Was the Godfather Part One? Was it one or two? No, I loved that. It was one or two. I know it wasn't three. It was one of purpose. The Godfather part one. Was it one or two? No, I love that. I know it wasn't three. It was one or two. It wasn't. Have you seen that scene in the Godfather part one

Starting point is 00:42:12 with the horse? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. It was like, what's that one? Which one was it? Number one, I think so. Let's say one. And you signed off this unhinged email with Let the Nightmare Begin. He really freaked out, Cali, but never followed through on any of these threats, thankfully, but she was left very shaken by it.

Starting point is 00:42:30 He basically was looking over a shoulder for many months and years after this. His wife Anne would later say that John lost 30,000 pounds on the failed deal, so he just left the money in the end. So they didn't work out either, but how about a life not under Dice, but a life on Dice?

Starting point is 00:42:51 He moved to sea land. Wow, fantastic. Honestly, he probably could have afforded a buy at this stage. He wanted to purchase a catamaran to live on and sail around the world. He looked at a 60-foot catamaran with 60,000 pounds, and according to the owner, apparently once belonged to Princess Rainier of Monaco, aka Grace Kelly. Which is very cool. So it was very top spec back in the day, but that was built in the 70s. So

Starting point is 00:43:18 the time John was looking at it in the 2000s, the former luxury craft had seen much better days. in the 2000s, the former luxury craft had seen much better days. He haggled and haggled with the owner, then got it down to half price, but John still demanded they throw more into the deal and service the boat and make it nicer. And again, his email seemed super unhinged, and it just got worse and worse until the deal collapsed, and the guy was like, I'd rather not sell to this weirdo. Geez. Okay. So no Cyprus, no Kansas, no life on Dese. But John was not about to give up. And later said, he was forever looking at new things, a new places on the internet. And one

Starting point is 00:43:55 day, he just came up with Panama. Oh, John. It's a risk, got a gun approach. It's a lucky, he's got one idea and he's looking at different options in this world. He's going from being a rancher to living on the sea to now living at a canal by a shum. That's all I know about Panama, or wearing a hat. Exactly.

Starting point is 00:44:16 Yes, which one is it? It's a both. Oh, okay. Or is it, did he love the Van Halen song? Yeah, that's the third thing that came to my mind too. Panama, hey, that's a good idea. Turn it up. So he wrote emails on Anne's behalf

Starting point is 00:44:31 to a bunch of real estate agents. And in July 2006, three years now after disappearing, they flew to Panama. They met an estate agent and Anne told her that she was widowed, but introduced the man accompanying her as her friend slash partner. This was, of course, John. Her husband was very much alive. They went to a small town called Eskabel, about two hours away from the capital Panama City, where they were shown a massive 481 acre block of untouched jungle. It had no water, no electricity, but they fell in love with it.

Starting point is 00:45:06 Hoping they could build their dream home and run an upmarket eco lodge, as well as a kayaking business on the adjoining lake. Oh yeah, you and your bloody kayaks, John. He's the canoom and surely he's the one to take the two as think of the marketing. Ranch to the sea to a jungle. Yeah. There's just no thinking going into this at all. Yeah. It's just panic. Yeah, he gets distracted by an idea and he just goes with it for a little while and then changes his mind.

Starting point is 00:45:34 And his kids still think he's dead. Oh, yeah. Fuck you. They paid $390,000 for the block and they felt free in Panama. For the first time in three years, they felt comfortable enough to pose for photographs. They took some in the jungle of the block they were buying. And then back at the estate agent's office,

Starting point is 00:45:53 the agent and director of move to Panama, a guy called Mario Villar, asked them to pose for a photo, and they didn't have any time to object. So they took a photo with him. He didn't have time to say no. They didn't have time to be like, oh they took a photo with him. Didn't have time to say no. They didn't have time to be like, oh no. Wait, I think he's assistant just said, oh, post-refer to now, it's on the deal

Starting point is 00:46:11 and they're just there standing with him. Now, they also bought a small apartment in Panama City to live in whilst the block was excavated. And Mark and Anthony wish their mum well that she embarked on her new life. Remember, the two sons do not know that their father is still alive. So they think she's there alone? Yeah, they think she's just moved to Panama. I mean, maybe a midlife crisis. They're like, all right, mum, you've been through a lot. What the fuck?

Starting point is 00:46:36 Well, these boys aren't being very good sons either, ma'am. I just doubt. Seems like it might run in the family. Okay. I made a bit of a piece of shit. Rats the long ago. Yeah, rats! Most weight loss programs are short-term fixes, but managing your weight needs a long-term solution. And that's what makes NUME different. NUME uses science and personalization to help you manage your weight for the long

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Starting point is 00:48:33 So they're in Panama for a little bit, and then they went on a holiday to Costa Rica, but then something happened. John flew back to the UK, leaving his wife in Panama. There's a few possible reasons that he decided to fly home at this point. One is that he thought that he was about to be discovered and he had to act on the front foot.

Starting point is 00:48:54 They may have gotten wind that the police had started in investigation after a colleague of Anne's became suspicious upon overhearing your phone conversation between the couple. That's a possibility. He also may have learned that Panama had tightened up visa approval when it came to overseas investors. They were now required to have their identities verified by UK police before they could go through on any more deals. And for obvious reasons, this is something he did not want to do. His alias was okay, but probably wouldn't hold up under Major scrutiny.

Starting point is 00:49:26 So John did what any reasonable person would do in this situation. Thank you, Zonedass. Again. He walked into a London police station and said, I have amnesia. I can't remember anything before five and a half years ago. I think I am a missing person.

Starting point is 00:49:44 The story of a man who was thought dead reappearing after all this time hit the front page four, five and a half years ago, I think I am a missing person. The story of a man who was thought dead reappearing after all this time, hit the front page of the papers all around the UK and the police had to call a press conference. They said of John quote, he was in a parent good health, tanned, well nourished and dressed, which I believe I think that means well, well dressed, but it doesn't imply that they're remarking that he was not naked. Well, I mean, after what he got up to in Kansas. Exactly. So the media went absolutely wild for the story. And there were desperate to get an interview with Anne who was still in Panama. What year is this now Dave? Panama. Sorry. Dave? Panema.

Starting point is 00:50:22 Sorry. This is now 2007, in December 2007. So Jess, you're not quite a journalist at this point. I'm in year 11. Yeah. A couple years away from hitting the journalism degree. Yes. And was this still a big story that you worked on?

Starting point is 00:50:43 Yeah, did you get the hot scoop? Yes. Well, no, because even when I first started uni, I wasn't doing journalism. Because I thought I had big dreams that were crushed. And I fell back on journalism. So... Classic fallback. Yeah, it's... Classic fallback. Yeah, it's a good fallback that I don't use.

Starting point is 00:51:08 So, no, this wasn't a story that I was really across. I'm afraid you were beaten, pipped to the post, by David Lee, the first analyst to make it to Central America. David Lee, again, every time with that guy. an ongoing rivalry. Yeah, he gets every time. Not David Lee Roth singer of Panama. That's why she trusted him for the interview. He tracked down her apartment and banged on the door at night until she asked him what he wanted. He was just banging, banging, banging.

Starting point is 00:51:46 Yeah, it's cool to harass people, isn't it? Yeah, that's fun. That's journalism. A leapest waited and to talk to him by explaining that before long reporters from almost every news paper would be stalking here and camping outside a door. So she consented to an interview and to avoid the other press, they checked into a nearby hotel under false names. Tantsexy.

Starting point is 00:52:07 It does. Tantsexy began. Hello, I'm Jessica Rabbit. It's the first sexy name I thought of. Thank you. And, Anne seemed surprised and delighted that after all this time, a husband had been found. After all, her story was that she thought he was dead

Starting point is 00:52:23 for five years. And because of that, hadn't spoken to him in a long, long time. found. After all, her story was that she'd thought he was dead for five years and because of that hadn't spoken to him in a long, long time. But then some more news came to light. In the form of an image, an anonymous woman emailed a photo that she found to Yorkshire police and to the Daily Mirror. It was a photo of Anne and John and their real estate agent in his office in Panama. That's what brought him on down. This healthy proof that Anne knew that he was alive and had known he was alive for at least

Starting point is 00:52:50 18 months. The Daily Mirror published it on its front page the next day, beneath the headline, what do you think of this? Canoes, this in Panama. Canoes, this. Canoes, this. In Panama. Is that a pun? I don't get it. Kanu's this. Kanu's this. In Panama.

Starting point is 00:53:05 Is that a pun? I don't get it. Especially who's this in Panama, but they've used Kanu's this. Oh, that's. Oh, hi, that. So I don't think that works. I don't think that works at all. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:53:18 That sounds like something that you would pull out in the tripage club section later in the show. If you panicked and brought that out in the Triftage Club, and then I stared at you blankly and you said, like, who's this, canoes this, I'd say, okay, yeah, yeah, all right. And I'd continue to hype you because it was a panicked sort of,

Starting point is 00:53:36 like, spirit of the moment thing. But these sub editors, it's their job to come up with titles. Who's this? Canoes this. So you telling me that I should go work for the Daily Mirror? I could do better than them. Yes.

Starting point is 00:53:49 Wow, thanks. Absolutely. Where you could do as good. I appreciate that. If not slightly better, sometimes. I don't really see a difference between your day job, Dave, as the Friday Foneys video producer at the project and the sub editor at the mirror.

Starting point is 00:54:05 Both journalism. Are we going to get transferred? Like a transfer? Now we're at that. Yeah. Cano's this. I'm saying it wouldn't be, you wouldn't be stepping up or down. That would be a...

Starting point is 00:54:14 Similar skill set. Side step. Side step into the mirror. Side step into the mirror. Side step into the mirror. Right, I'll apply. Side stepping into the mirror. Side stepping into the mirror.

Starting point is 00:54:22 That's beautiful. That's the name of my debut album. Gorgeous. It's poetry. It's a poetry album. Poultry album. Love it. Yeah. Good for you. Thank you. So David Lee, who was the journalist with Anne and who won an award for this scoop and later wrote a book about the incident, showed her the photo and asked what she thought. This is like, you know, a few hours after she's given him an interview saying, yeah, I'm so happy that John's alive. Oh, he's alive, that's great.

Starting point is 00:54:51 And now the journalist is like, what do you say about this photo? And silently looked at the picture for about five or 10 minutes, holding her head in her hands. That's a lot of time. That's so long. That's so long.

Starting point is 00:55:02 That's a lot. Sometimes in a conversation or an argument, if my partner pauses in thought for like 30 seconds, I want a screen. If this was in like some sort of a car in a fair interview or something, the journals would be saying, take your time. Take your time. Five to ten minutes. I'd be like, I might just go get a conference or something.

Starting point is 00:55:27 And I'm really hungry, could you answer? And this seems like a bit of an overreaction and a little bit ridiculous. Five, come on. What I would have said is, his ghost was there with me. I felt his presence. I felt him. It's amazing.

Starting point is 00:55:44 This picture picked that up. Wow. I thought that guy looked familiar. I want to play the ghost card. Ghost card? You want a ghost card? I wanted to say that's his cousin. Yeah, but then how do you get him in the cousin in the same room? Because that's the first thing people are going to ask for. All right, let's get those two together then. Oh, no, my cousin just died. Yeah, out to, out to, out to see. Out to see. Well, the Panama Canal.

Starting point is 00:56:09 The door ends up being like that, the end of that magician movie with all the, all those bodies in the basement. And I'm talking about it. I'm not sure which magician movie to spoil, but I'm sure you did one of them. Well, that's why I was vague about it. So people who know, know.

Starting point is 00:56:25 Okay, well I don't know but now we've ruined every film for me ever. I'll never watch another magician movie. David Pothafius. They're my favorite type of movie. So she looked at it for a long time, five or ten minutes, this is what the journalist later said, holding her head in her hands before finally just saying, I think that picture says a lot, doesn't it? What?

Starting point is 00:56:44 Yeah, I can't add anything more than that picture says. That picture says thousand words. I don't even know a thousand words. So let's leave it at that. She tapped the photo of John and said, "'Canoes this?' And the journal said, I'm not that careful.

Starting point is 00:57:00 Shit, Andy, don't begin. And canoes that. That's a great segment. Canoes, this canoes that. Dave, come on, you're the pun master. What's, or the pun king, whatever you're known as? What's the, what's the better headline here? You're a pun king, mate. I'm the pun master, I believe.

Starting point is 00:57:18 What am I? The pun apprentice. The pun apprentice. But, just, what would you do? You're the only one with the journalism degree here. Pana Prentice. It's a fun Prentice. But, Jess, what would you do? You're the only one with a journalism degree here. What would you put up as the headline? Well, I would go for... Kanuman, found a life in Panama. Wait. Yes.

Starting point is 00:57:48 Life in big old fraud. That's good. Why I don't even need to read the article, man. Exactly. That's what that's what a title should be. Yeah. Hang on. Fantastic. You want people to not read your articles? Yes! Try to get most of my news from headlines. What about you canoes, you lose. No. That's not quite relevant, is it? But it's closer to something than what they did. Why better?

Starting point is 00:58:18 It's still nothing, but it's better. Who knows this? They'd have to be in brackets what we were doing here, what we were trying to do here. The first paragraph is just trying to explain the pun. What about man in kayak says, by yak to his old life? Yeah. I think again, it's nothing, but it's better than what they had. S many minds are strongest. Yeah, I would go with Jess as if I was going to pick one of this, right? It's probably could trim a few words out of it, but...

Starting point is 00:58:54 That's what I'm a great disagreeing. Future many, future many hyphens. I love a hyphin. I love them. Now, you might be wondering how this anonymous woman found the image to send to the police and the newspaper in the first place. Well, let me tell you. Let me tell you, it was some Sherlock Holmes level super slew thing.

Starting point is 00:59:14 Apparently, the woman had simply typed John and Panama into Google images and up popped the photo dated July 14, 2006. So the fact that his fake name was John is what I'm did him in the end. Oh, that's so funny. So we had a more interesting fake name like Fernando Hernandez or something. He wouldn't have been found out. Amazing. Fernando Cumberbatch. Oh, that's better. So, but imagine that you're like,

Starting point is 00:59:47 ah, maybe I'll just try Google Images. John and Panama. So, got it. Number one result. Well, I'm pleased to report that to this day if you type John and Panama into Google Images, this photo still pops up. Oh, that's so good.

Starting point is 01:00:02 You know we're both Googleing it right now. So you can have a look at what they look like. John and with an E, Panama. There's also my parents' names, John Ann. John Ann, Panama. He doesn't have a beard. They're taking the beard off in Panama. They can relax.

Starting point is 01:00:19 They can be themselves. Wow, what a silly mistake he made there, hey. Like if you still had the beard, you'd be like, oh, and that's my cousin, the girl. That's my cousin, the girl. That's my cousin, the girl, the beard. It's always funny to see him after your picture of people for a while.

Starting point is 01:00:32 They look adorable. Yeah. And smile, adorable. Just disagrees. Based on what the face is making right now. It's a strong disagree from me. So the jig was up, and now the press were loving it more than ever.

Starting point is 01:00:47 And Anne was hounded in Panama. The press Gazette writes about Anne's lawyer. Quote, the lawyer suggested that her staff would race off in their 5 or 6 Black BMWs in different directions with Anne in the last one. It was like the Italian job. The lawyer rang me up. The lawyer rang me later and said,

Starting point is 01:01:06 journalists were still following her staff. Which Italian job we're talking? We're talking the Mark Wahlberg one with the minis or the Michael Cain. No, I'm talking about the original one. Also with minis. But they're about that minis, okay? So that was that stayed true. All the minis. All the minis and then the new, the mini-coupers. Yeah, that's right. Shull minis. Hold a minis and then the minicoopers. Yeah, that's right. Shallies, Theron as someone who could crack safes? Oh, I'm going to watch that again. Me too.

Starting point is 01:01:32 Bit of fun. We're watching together. Yeah, as soon as this is done. Yeah, that's what you're making. That's what you're making. That's what you're making. Check it out. Get some popcorn.

Starting point is 01:01:40 I'll get a beer, a chalk top, hot chocolate. But I'll be shitting all night. I'm gonna have a later milk, a later fizzy drink. I'm gonna do some star jumps, see what happens. Just mix it all up there. Matt, what we're saying is you are feral. Was it, it was a few years ago. I kinda remember what that film was. Because I was one I watched by myself. Oh, I get sad.

Starting point is 01:02:17 In go class, and I felt like a fucking king. No one else was there. It was all like a Wednesday afternoon. I was way out of uni. Living like a king. Living like a king. One life, please. That's a nice view. King of the world, baby. What's the Titanic?

Starting point is 01:02:38 What's the Titanic? Well, it would have been in the 2000s. Was it one of your favorite magic films? Yeah, I'll say no more. So Anne flew back to Manchester and was arrested as soon as the plane landed on the tarmac. Police came on board and nabbed her. What a scene. She had to face the police, the press, but probably worst of all, her sons, who now knew that she'd lied to them for five and a half years about their dad being dead.

Starting point is 01:03:10 And at first, they'd been absolutely stoked because their dad had seemed to come back to life. And they even called them, mom up and said, he never going to believe it. Dad's alive. And she had to be like, no, no, no. Oh my god. No. I'll come up alive. No. No. No.

Starting point is 01:03:21 No. You dad. No. I don't want. I don't remember who she's at. And John's talking in the background. John. It's the kids.

Starting point is 01:03:32 It's the rats. The blood you rats are at it again. I got the rats on the line. By this time, John had also been arrested for fraud. And soon the couple had to come clean. John's amnesia magically disappeared and they both gave detailed interviews about how they'd gotten away. This is with police, how they'd gotten away

Starting point is 01:03:51 with such a big lie for such a long time. John Darwin claimed that he'd always planned to come back and repay the insurance money once he'd sorted out his debts. He was like, why else would I come back? But of course, the question is, if you did have honest intentions, why did you lie and pretend to have amnesia and why did you have that property? You'd spend all your money on it in Panama. Well, it was all

Starting point is 01:04:14 your money in secret offshore accounts. You don't have the money to pay back the insurance because you spent it all in Panama. And he's like, nah, I came back to do the right thing. He's just like, he's lied for so long that he doesn't know what the truth is. Yeah, he can't tell the truth. He's the opposite, Jim Carrey. I can't truth. It wasn't me. Are there sons issued a statement saying that they'd cut off all contact with their parents

Starting point is 01:04:40 and that they'd never forgive them? The sons had unwittingly helped transfer the fraudulent insurance money into offshore accounts. In a way, they were lucky to not get implicated, but the police believe their story of innocence. The brothers said that they'd gone from the height of a relation that finding him to be alive to the depths of despair at the recent stories of fraud and these latest pictures. So they were really upset. Oh, that's right. Conspiracy theory.

Starting point is 01:05:10 Yes. The boys were in on it, but the parents said they weren't to protect them. Honestly, could be a thing, maybe. Yeah. I mean, is there anything any proof to suggest? No, and the police had did come out and say, how we've interviewed the sons, and we'd like to say that we don't consider them suspects.

Starting point is 01:05:30 Right. Well, I guess that's the thing. It's plausible deniability. The parents could argue we were trying to keep stop you from being a part of the fraud, maybe. But still, surely you'd be upset. Oh, 100%. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 01:05:46 John Darwin was charged with obtaining life insurance money by deception and making untrue statements to obtain a passport. All up, including the fraud and the search and rescue when he first disappeared, he was looking at a 1 million pound bill. So he owed a lot. Both the couple were convicted of fraud

Starting point is 01:06:01 and after admitting deception, John was sentenced to six years and three months in prison. And Darwin, who denied the fraud, but was found guilty, was handed an even longer six and a half year term. So she got three months longer because she didn't plead for guilty. The lawyer obviously thought she could get off. Yeah, but there was no chance of John getting off. But yes, she got more jail time.

Starting point is 01:06:24 John Darwin was released on probation in January 2011 and And Darwin was released in March 2011. They spent about three years behind bars. The entire 501,000 pounds in life insurance and pension payouts received by And Darwin had been recovered, part of which involved the sale of the two properties in Panama. So they did pay back the insurance and the pensions. Whilst in prison Mrs. Darwin decided to separate from her husband after seeing a psychologist. That's probably a good call, yeah. Did she found the psychologist real hot? Yeah. She left him for a psychologist. Oh, we don't talk about any of that stuff. I just met him at a bar.

Starting point is 01:07:07 She always maintained that John was the mastermind and had bullied her into the plan, and then it just totally spiraled out of control, and then she was just trapped in a massive lie. She told the BBC in 2016 that she felt blessed that both sons had since forgiven her, which is very nice. So she's got a relationship with her sons, and she, as of 2016, works for the RSPCA. Okay. All right.

Starting point is 01:07:30 Her ex-husband, John, is still occasionally in the tabloids and has never painted in a very good light. In 2013, he was arrested for breaking his bail conditions after taking an unauthorized trip to the Ukraine to meet a woman. So that's the Guardians way of describing the situation. The Daily Mail went for a less subtle headline, see if you reckon that we could write a better headline than this. I never want to see canoe con man again. He's just a sleazy old man, says Ukrainian blonde,

Starting point is 01:07:57 25, he flew 1700 miles to date. That is wonderful. Yeah, it's wordy. That's more in the Jess mold. Get it all in there. So excellent. Yes. There's one little hyphen in here, Jess,

Starting point is 01:08:12 if you're happy with that. Yeah, I do like a hyphen. I would say something like Kanuman flies to Ukraine for love is rejected. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's better, honestly. Because why do they always bring in like that she's blonde and what's in her age? Dumb. That's what the Daily Mail do.

Starting point is 01:08:34 Yep, absolutely. Yeah, gross. Who cares? The key points are he's gross and she wants nothing to do with him. Yep. What about the original Panama headline? Canoes this.

Starting point is 01:08:47 Yeah. What if it was... Oh, canoe, on busted. Oh, canoe. Like, no, instead of no. Oh, okay. So it's maybe like a sock. Oh, canoe.

Starting point is 01:09:01 Canoes. Canoes on busty. Yeah, that's good. That's good. That's good. Stra on Busty. Yeah, that's good. Strauer and sort of accent. Oh, Kanor. Oh, Kanor. I'm cascrow.

Starting point is 01:09:16 What about for the Ukrainian headline? It's just a picture of him with a woman that just says, Kanoodles this? Question mark? And the answer is no. She objected. As of January 2021, he was reportedly living

Starting point is 01:09:30 in the Philippines with his new wife. So he's moved on. Well, that was always his passion. He always wanted to be in the Philippines. Yeah, that's right. He doesn't quite put his feet right, yeah, but. From Jay.he said, Dude, darling, I wish to live in the Philippines.

Starting point is 01:09:45 That was the dream. That was why they did all of this to fulfill his dream of living in the Philippines. I accidentally said that my dream was to own a ranch in Kansas. I accidentally said my dream was to buy a giant yacht, but really, it was all about the Philippines. Yeah, see, money ruins people. And that's why I'll never have that much of it. Ah, but you won't be ruined.

Starting point is 01:10:10 Like, toys. Mentally, my psychologist would disagree. But... Oh, are you dating his psychologist? Oh, where's your would be cheaper? I reckon actually, if I could choose, I would... I think it would make the my sense for me to date a car a tractor. That would save me a lot of effort and money.

Starting point is 01:10:30 Yeah, right. Okay. That's the, that's the practitioner I frequent the most. Why don't you just, you know, work that backwards and get your partner to learn caraprak. I've asked. I've asked. Trust me, I've tried. No. No interest in? No interest in, you know, many years of university, whatever. Sorry to hear it. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:10:55 While speaking of us watching movies together, this story has been adapted a couple of times. I think it might be a pretty big and well-known story in the UK. I think it's be a pretty big and well-known story in the UK. It's kind of a reminder of something like, you know, like, Shepel Corby, where there's heaps of tabloid stuff about it, and we all know about it in Australia, but overseas, maybe it's less of a big deal. But there was a TV movie called Cano Man in 2010 on BBC 4, which you can watch in its entirety on YouTube and I encourage you to do so because the acting is hilarious.

Starting point is 01:11:32 Is it a comedy? I don't think it's meant to be but I found it very amusing. Do the boys do the line? I'm so glad you're not dead because now I can kill them. I don't know, they didn't say that. They missed out your line. Is it winding? The film started Bernard Hill

Starting point is 01:11:48 who played Captain Ed Wood Smith in the Titanic. Remember the Captain in the Titanic that goes down with the ship? Yeah. And Sasuke Ereves as John and Andal one respectively. I'll put a link to that in the show

Starting point is 01:11:58 and know it's if you want to watch it. It's very, very funny. But more recently, this year 2021 an ITV four-part mini-ser series was in production called The Thief, his wife and the canoe. Did you write that title, Jess? It's pretty good. This one stars Eddie Marcin as Darwin and Monica Dolan as Anne.

Starting point is 01:12:17 So it's not out yet, but I assume that it will be out sometime soon. Do we know any of those actors you've mentioned? The guy from the Titanic. Yeah, okay. No, I think you would probably know stuff that this, I looked up Eddie Masters, been in a bunch of stuff, is an English actor being in a lot of things.

Starting point is 01:12:34 I was expecting to say, because as an English daytime movie sort of thing, that it was going to be like Peter Andre and Jordan re-eniding to play for some of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a reference. There's some people I haven't thought about in a long time. Still big in the UK I believe. It's a different world over there isn't it?

Starting point is 01:12:55 With their Jordan's, their canoe men. It's a different world over there isn't it? In there. In there. A beautiful world. A world we want to go back on. Good. Just please.

Starting point is 01:13:08 If you haven't seen it, we put out our, on our YouTube channel, there's a little tour video from a moment to the UK and Ireland a couple of years ago. Getting a bit of love, just a bit of a gentle, nice watch in these COVID times put together by John from Joyzzy, which I think you did a fantastic job. Gorgeous. So that brings me to the end of the report on the canoe man. Right. What Dave?

Starting point is 01:13:34 A goddamn story Dave. Well done. Little golf claps for you. I did think I'm like, when you said canoe man, I'm like, this is going to be boring, but it wasn't. It was wild. And also, like, fairly early on, it was like, yeah, so anyway, he faked it. And I was like, how much further can this story go? And we're like 15 minutes in.

Starting point is 01:13:56 And then it just kept going. And I was like, what is happening? It's such, he just made so many wild, strange choices. Yeah, really, really baffling. And honestly, I hate him. And it's amazing he got away all that for five and a half years. It doesn't sound like that was careful in any way. Like, and he handed himself in.

Starting point is 01:14:15 Like, he definitely would have got away with it for a lot longer if he didn't do that. Yeah, if he just stayed in Panama and laid low, but he thought, no, no, no, no, I'll be able to get myself out of this. I'll just pretend I've lost my memory. Yeah, he was, no, no, no, I'll be able to get myself out of this. I'll just pretend I've lost my memory. Yeah, he was home, Simpson, with his legs in the quicksand. I'll get these out with my hands,

Starting point is 01:14:34 and I'll get my hands out with my face. So I think that brings us to everyone's favorite section of the show, the fact quote, a question section, or really broadly, it's just a section of the show, the last 20, 30 minutes where we thank a bunch of our great supporters, these are the people who keep the show going. We can't thank them enough, that's why we dedicate this last section of the show to them, but we have a little fun while we do it. And I think that's the key. And you can support us in a couple of ways if you go to patreon.com slash do go on pod or do go on pod.com You can sign up on either of those places and yeah, there's a bunch of different levels. Some have

Starting point is 01:15:14 bonus episodes. We do three of those a month. They're always great. Or I reckon some of our best episodes are the bonus episodes and you get voting rights. Dave, was this a free choice maybe? Oh, this was a free choice, yes. But Jess and mine at the moment are voted on by the Patreons. And yeah, all sorts of different rewards. There's a Facebook group, which is the sweetest corner of the internet. I realized last night, it's the only place online

Starting point is 01:15:41 where I'm sincere is in that Facebook group. I've ever thought about something that I like or something sincere. I go, I don't know, post about it in the Facebook group. I don't know what that says about me, but it's true, I think. It says you're a big old cutie pie, that's what it says. So the first thing we like to do is go through some facts, quotes and questions. If you're on the Sydney-Shanberg level, you get to give us a factor, quote, or a question. We read them out on the show.

Starting point is 01:16:10 It has a little jingle section that goes something like this. Fash, quote, or question. You always remember the ding. So yeah, if you get involved on this level, you get to give us a fact, quote, or question. You also get to give yourself a title. First up this week we have Jammy Lidello, who's given himself or herself the title, Jammy I guess. My friends call me James, but I guess I just jammy for you guys. I think it's a guy now that I read his name is James. All right, James or Jammy, sorry, has given us a fact. And the fact is there is a genetically modified

Starting point is 01:16:47 variety of peach called saucer peach, which was made to be easily stacked in a kid's lunch box. What? That's wild saucer peach. I've never heard of that. No, I love it. Sometimes scientists do things, they ask themselves a question, can we do it when they should ask a question, should we? Yes, I did watch Jurassic Park this week. Yeah, I'm looking

Starting point is 01:17:14 at them. They're flat stackable peaches. That is so funny. That is a scientist who was one day annoyed when packing their lunch and just took it way too far. Yeah. He flipped the lunch box across the rooms and that's it. Put on his coat, lab coat, and went in and got to work. Oh, jammy, that is a fantastic, that is a fantastic one. That's, uh, Jammy's first fact, quote, a question. Welcome to the cloud. Great work, bring that to my attention.

Starting point is 01:17:41 I had no idea about it. Yeah, I think they should do that for all foods. Make them all stackable. Yes. The next one is another fact that comes from Siraj Pyrus, whose title is not white, Anglo-Saxon, or Protestant. I'm not. Sometimes I don't know what the title references.

Starting point is 01:18:00 And usually it comes clear in the fact. Let's see. Here is Siraj's fact. B's see. Here is Sriraj's fact. Boring fact. Figs aren't fruit. Technically, they're inverted flowers. Huh. That is boring. Now that's a good fact. I like that. We get a lot of fruit facts here. This is amazing. Yeah. I love this. Let's keep this theme going. You said you're one in charge of boring facts.

Starting point is 01:18:25 Is that a boring fact? I think the thing is, because I'm quite boring. And I like little tidbits like that. So I actually find that fun. So it's not boring for me. So that makes it boring. Yeah, I think if I like it, it's probably boring. And I do.

Starting point is 01:18:39 I like it a lot. Because I'm a fun person, and I dosed off for that. Siraj, I'm on your team. I'm on your side. My specialty is the Grim Facts, and that's the next one Sirage is offered. Grim Facts, most figs used to have a dead wasp inside them because some fig trees need wasps to pollinate them. The female wasp crawls inside to pollinate the fig, but can't get out. Luckily, the body is broken down by the fig. Oh, that is a grim fact. Oh, they can't crawl out. Gross. It's one way valve. And finally, the fun fact

Starting point is 01:19:20 says probably, neither of the above. Just what do you think there? Um, I think it was all just absolute dog shit. No, I think that's a bit of fun. Is that fun? Jay in general, that's fun. That's fun. He put it together in a fun way. Yes. Don't know what the noteworth Anglo-Saxon or Protestant reference to the, it's probably from something. He talked about wasps and the acronym for White Anglo-Saxon Protestant East wasps. Oh, thank you. Thank you Dave. People would have been yelling at you. Yeah, when people are so glad you saved me there. Yeah, people often shorten that to wasp. Wasp, right. But he's a noisper. Noisper. Noisper.

Starting point is 01:20:03 Thanks so much, Soragis. next one comes from Izakio. Another first time I hear, Saki is given the title, themselves the title of executive director of stamp licking for the Christmas card mail. Oh, a very important job. Yeah, tough one. Don't know if you want that job to be honest. It's a very dry tongue by the end of it. If I was you, I would try to make a game of it. See how many you can do in the first hour and then I'll see if in the next hour you can beat it. I go now. So, Zakia is asked a question, what are each of you handy with that family members ask you specifically for help with? Oh, Zaka's given an answer a bit first. So do you do have anything for this? Oh, a few times the family and friends from my sister and my dad have run trivia nights for

Starting point is 01:20:57 their sort of staff for where they worked. That makes sense. You have to go to quiz guy. I'm not very practical. And then I'm like, come round and build something. They're like, hey, can you ask my staff some questions? Yeah, that's fine. That's a good one. I'm doing a running a trivia thing just after this day. But I think I have a similar thing like my brother-in-law's a builder. And I was, and he's like, you know, I'm, you know, family, if you haven't need any help with anything,

Starting point is 01:21:24 let me know. I'm like, yeah, family, I've never need any help with anything. Let me know. And I'm like, yeah, but what do you get in return? I've got nothing to give you. Yeah. And he's like, you give us, you give us laughter. I like it, you go like you'll come and see my shows and we'll pay for tickets. I'm like, at least let me put you on the door.

Starting point is 01:21:38 Yeah, that's right. Stop being so supportive and also helping me out with other stuff, It's ridiculous. Same with my brother, he's a plumber like, yeah, I've got so many people in my family who are useful. Yeah. Yeah, definitely the last ones to board that plan of Mars, I think. Like, on the Simpsons where they're in the shelter for a meteor coming to them and they've

Starting point is 01:22:04 got to work out who go to the future, crossies like, well, we'll need laughter. So that's me. Oh, yeah. What's your self-taught? Whoever's in control of the list, that's the most powerful position. Well, I've got the pencil, so number one, Dave, okay.

Starting point is 01:22:18 Yeah. How about you, Bob? Do you have one? Your family come to you for? Yeah, help with their phones. That's always me. Just because I'm the youngest. Young, yeah. Cool. Yeah, I'm obviously quite a lot younger than my parents and I'm a seven-year younger than my brother. So I'm the youngest.

Starting point is 01:22:38 You're younger than your parents unlike Mark and Anthony in our story to them. Michael Anthony, of course, Dave, bass player for Van Halen. Oh, please. There was one time my brother and my dad were trying to do a, they were doing some a load of washing and they were putting something in the dryer and they couldn't get the dryer going and they were like, you know,

Starting point is 01:23:01 they're the ones who can do everything in their heads. But they, they, especially around the house, they can fix everything and when something goes wrong, they can fix it and they couldn't get the dryer going. And I was a teenager and I walked in and it was, the dryer was broken, but they didn't know that because they never did washing. And you had to sort of get the, the barrel of the dryer moving first. So you had to like put your hand in, push it to get it going, slam the door shut and then it would start.

Starting point is 01:23:30 So they're there like fighting over stuff, trying to get it working. And little teenage Jess walks in, flicks it, slams the door, the dryer starts walking and I just walked out all kinds of way. They both went, that was very cool. You dropped a match behind you. And all I really did was put the dry around,

Starting point is 01:23:50 which I feel like I'm sad that that's the thing I did that was helpful, I feel like that, you know. I love that as like, yeah, I'm really good at with technology, help my parents. So they're not real tech heads, so I help them like get the dry. Yeah, that's exactly. You know, pretty technological stuff. Pretty helpful. You got to manually start the dryer. But the otherwise I'm useless and they know that. I'll occasionally get questions about cons of beer. Okay. You want to tip for

Starting point is 01:24:21 a nice kind of beer. Is that anything? Yeah, that's helpful, I guess, yeah. Yeah, pretty, like I say, last on the plane tomorrow. Hey, we need beer in the future. That's true. Asakio answered the question, saying, I'm the go-to person in my family for tech troubleshooting. Yeah, pretty boring. Maybe you are always able to recommend cool restaurants

Starting point is 01:24:46 that no one else knows about or master of filling out forms and weaving through bureaucratic nightmares. My dad was always good with that stuff, bureaucratic stuff. He seemed to enjoy that almost when I would be pulling my hair out as like an 18 year old having to start doing tax whenever I was, however old I was

Starting point is 01:25:10 and he just he whipped through it. I think he might have toured accounting at one point or something so I dad with a spreadsheet oh my god in a budget oh my god if you need help with a cash flow John Perkins. I think yeah dads might be pretty similar. Yeah. Thanks so much for that question, Zakiya. And finally, from Roy Phillips, who Roy's given himself the title of the Sheik Seek with 66 Sheik Sheep. Oh, I think you tripped me up there. Roy, well done, which I assume was your goal. Roy is offered a fact. The fact is, there is a Starbucks inside the CIA building.

Starting point is 01:25:43 However, the baristas are not allowed to write down the names of the agents anymore. So how do they know who's coffee is who? This coffee is for the guy in the suit. The guy with the aviators in the suit. Am I picturing the right kind of officers? So maybe you just get a number or something. Yeah, yeah, That's really cool.

Starting point is 01:26:05 That's cool. That's cool. That's a good fact. All right. The other thing we like to do is thank a few of our long term supporters. Just on the comes up with a little game here. You normally say something based on the report and we give everyone a little thing. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:20 That is true. That is normally what happens. Yes. I'm struggling a little bit. What, what, do you guys have an idea? What about, when instead of a canoe, how did they, how did they, how did they take that? Yeah, that's good, what's their mode of transport?

Starting point is 01:26:31 Brilliant. Yeah, we had a canoe man, who do we have here? I dropped me to kick it off. Yeah, go on. All right, Jess, I think I could feel you were feeling in spots. So you give us the first son, all right? Well, hang on, I want to clarify it, is it like, so is it a mode of transport like canoe men,

Starting point is 01:26:47 or is it like how they've faked their death? I think, I mean, obviously, it's pretty tight. The rules we use for this part of the show. So it's important. Just go for it. Just see what happens. See what happens, and let's just feel it out. All right, so if I could kick it off from ride

Starting point is 01:27:03 in New South Wales and Australia, it's Rianan Neal. Rianan Neal faked her own death by riding a ride on Moa off a cliff. Witnesses did not see, because she had a parachute on, landed on top of a jet ski, all right, we're around the port to a boat to free them. That is the coolest. It was very cool. Rianan, that is badass. It was badass.

Starting point is 01:27:42 Also, people will talk about after your death like, oh gosh, she was so nice. She was always mowing that cliff. No one else wanted to do that. No one wanted to mow the cliff because it was very dangerous. And I thought it was we that she left her glasses back at the farm. I'd also love to thank from Cincinnati in the great state, God's country, Ohio, United States.

Starting point is 01:28:04 Liz Shocky. All States, Liz Shocky. All right, Liz Shocky, what about Segway into a volcano? Segway, yes, but was saved by a hidden bungee cord. Yes, and the volcano was an elaborate fake as well. Paper, Masha, one of those like, son of a class once. Yeah, it was mostly by-car soda and stuff. Throw in the Mentos. And finally, for me, I'd love to thank from Corden Hills in Victoria, Australia.

Starting point is 01:28:36 Emma and Matt. Oh, Emma and Matt. Emma and Matt together, what about a bike with a side cart? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's great. Oh, that's it. That's how they face their death. Bicycle with a side cart and they just ride it off

Starting point is 01:28:49 St. Kiel to pee. And keep riding it actually floats. And then once under the water, the penguins take them to filibial and start a new life. And people were like, they clearly wanted to win the Birdman rally and, oh my. And they died doing what they loved. These were all international references, everybody understands?

Starting point is 01:29:12 From Gordon Hills, they'll get it. I hope thanks, man. Birdman rally, that's an international thing, I think. It's a beautiful thing. Beautiful thing. Culture. Culture. Would that make me to thank a few people now?

Starting point is 01:29:23 Go for it. From Liverpool now, I'd love to thank Jay Johnson. Jay Johnson. He floats off into the sunset on an inflatable beetle. I think it's Ringo. The inflatable Ringo. An inflatable Ringo, but wringo gets a puncture and he goes under the sea into a yellow submarine

Starting point is 01:29:48 and makes his get away. Very nice. That's beautiful. Oh, I feel yellow, they're beautiful. Yeah, yeah, I don't mind yellow submarines, but other submarines? Dumb. I would like to thank now for a mission here in Victoria.

Starting point is 01:30:03 Dan Marshall. Dan Victoria, Dan Marshall. Dan Marshall. Dan Marshall. What about he tobogganed into a tunnel and then only the toboggan came out the other side. But they couldn't be bothered looking for him. So he just waited till everybody left and then he just came out. He was like, this was tragically so much easier than I thought it would be.

Starting point is 01:30:26 Turns out it was very simple. Oh, I guess that's easy. On your dad, Marshall, you to bog and straighten into my heart, mate. Straight in my heart. I would love to think also from Colorado Springs in Colorado, would you believe? Peter Dodson.

Starting point is 01:30:43 Peter Dodson. Peter Dodson. Actually, dodged a bullet by Faking Says. Oh. By riding a Dodjam car. The heat dodged a bullet in a Dodjam car, that's amazing. Yeah. And then he somehow dodged our eyes and we didn't see where he went. Yes, exactly!

Starting point is 01:31:08 And then we were like, where that dodge-and-cargo? No one knows. No one knows. I'm sorry, Tina. I'm your dodgy. Can I thank some people? Please. Well, from destination unknown, and surname unknown, I would love to thank Jonah. Jonah Mollman, we can know him.

Starting point is 01:31:37 Jonah Mollman. Beeper than the fortress. How would Jonah have faked his death? Jonah faked his own death. By, he did it exactly the same as crusty, the clan did days. Can you refresh my memory there? When he went on the plane, I'm on a roller-gay and then crushed it into a mountain.

Starting point is 01:32:01 But then what he really did was secretly, he jumped out onto a mattress that had placed. But he missed the mattress and went slam into the wall and fell onto the mattress. And then Chief Wiggum said, Hey, nothing to see here, nothing to see here. Oh my God, a horrible plane crash. Go the round, go round. Go round. Go round. Go round. Chief Wiggum. He's honestly terrible at his job. He's so bad. Is anybody ever noticed that?

Starting point is 01:32:30 He's really bad at his job. He pointed out, actually, you're right. How did he get to be the chief? He's a shocker. Anyway. I would also love to thank from Bassing Stoke, probably just so that wrong, in Hampshire, Great Britain, John. Oh, Coutilier.

Starting point is 01:32:52 Oh, I love that. Fantastic. Coutilier. John, another John. Oh, my goodness. What about John? Ran so fast on a treadmill? People thought they couldn't see him,

Starting point is 01:33:09 but really, he just disappeared. And it took the gym six hours to notice. They're like, oh, John, he's the flash. He's so quick that guy. We always call him the flash around here. And then he was running so fast on a treadmill that they couldn't see him and nobody thought that was odd. That's what they thought because he's so quick, but really they couldn't see him and nobody thought that was odd.

Starting point is 01:33:25 That's what they thought because he's so quick but really they got to the treadmill and found, hang on. He's not eating. There's no one on this treadmill at all. Dave, that's wild. And in the meantime, he started a new life in Panama. Panama. Panama. Some sort of ghost treadmill. Spooky.

Starting point is 01:33:41 Oh, play the ghost card. That's wild. So wild. John play the ghost card. That's wild. So wild. John the flash. Cautially it. John that's what that's insane. And finally I would love to thank from Cheney in Washington. Nicholas Sparks. Like I can only imagine is the author.

Starting point is 01:34:01 Oh, that would be cool. So thank you Nicholas Sparks. He blew himself up. Oh, yep. Yep. But like just a big like fourth of July, sort of bonfire full of, I don't really know what they do for fourth of July,

Starting point is 01:34:21 but big bonfire full of firecrackers and whatnot. And he he goes, all right, I'm just going in here to light. I'll run straight back out here. What he does is light to slow fuse in there and runs out of back door that no one could see into the woods, never to be seen again. And then it all explodes. And I think it was a real downer for that full of July celebration for those who were there to celebrate but it did mean there were a lot of witnesses and he got away with it. Yeah honestly a lot

Starting point is 01:34:52 of these people you forget they're bummed out a lot of people by faith they're on death but they did it in such amazing ways it's it's kind of cool. Yeah and I should say they all tell their kids. That's right. Rule number one, tell your kids. Tell your kids. All right, and that leaves us just with the last thing to do, which is to induct two people this week into the Triple Tau. Oh, exclusive. So to be involved in the Triple Tau, you just got to sign up and keep supporting us on

Starting point is 01:35:20 the shout out level or above for three years straight. Once you're in, you're always in. You're in the tripped edge club. Welcome aboard. It's a beautiful place. I'll read out your name, Dave, welcome you in. We're hopping up with some sort of loose word play on it. You want to know? Oh, okay.

Starting point is 01:35:35 Who's this? For location. Jess will give him a little tickle because Dave needs to feel good too. I give him a tickle. They'll take a little metaphorical tickle. Oh, okay. And I've touched him. I don't have to tell you. I'll tell you. I give it a little bit. A little little metaphorical tickle. I love to touch him. I don't have to tell you.

Starting point is 01:35:46 I'll be nice. I'll be nice. I gloves on if you do. Dave's on my book to band. You book to band for this week, Dave. Oh, yes. Yeah, hold on. Just checking the contract.

Starting point is 01:35:57 Making sure it goes through. I don't want to. Do you forget that we do this every week? There is one band we kept mentioning today. I don't know if it'll be. It probably won't be them. It nearly never is. The is one band we kept mentioning today. I don't know if it'll be, it probably won't be them. It nearly never is. The obvious one. Yeah, never is. Sadly, we couldn't get Panama singers, but we could get Panama singers. I don't remember the name. We could get Liv and G, a pop rock singer songwriter from Hartley Paul,

Starting point is 01:36:23 baby. Oh, great. I'm looking forward to hearing that. Put a word in the ass. You mentioned one in a couple of weeks ago, David, you said dead, chimped or something. And I was listening to, they've got an album out this year and it's good stuff. I love it.

Starting point is 01:36:37 I'm into it. Jess, you normally come up with a cocktail for inductees, anything this week? Yes. Everything is served in a canoe. Oh, yeah, big drinks. Big drinks. Getting fish bowl cocktails are big.

Starting point is 01:36:51 Check these back. And then after I'd already ordered a shit ton of canoes, someone was like, why don't we just make like little minikinous or like fashion food into canoes, like, you know? And I was like, well, that would have been a great idea to flag with me before I'd paid for, honestly, a metric shitton of canoes. So they are full-sized canoes, and after you've finished your drink from them, if you do live through that, then you have a canoe.

Starting point is 01:37:21 To fake your own death with, if you want. If you want, or just to enjoy. Yeah, that's obviously that's what I'm saying. Some people also do that, enjoy going on a canoe. Whatever. But more often people use them to fake their own. Yeah, so seed is a gift from me.

Starting point is 01:37:36 If you do live through that gigantic alcoholic beverage, if you're smart, you'll get a non-alcoholic beverage in it. All right, are you ready, Dave? I'm ready. Two, it's two here. So you have no time to warm up. You justalcoholic beverage in it. All right, are you ready, Dave? I'm ready. Two. It's two here. So you have no time to warm up. You just got to go get straight into it. Come on, Dave.

Starting point is 01:37:50 All right, here we go. Firstly, from Fraser in the Australian capital territory, it's Emily Mills. Guys, you know, tonight is about three things. Thrills, spills, and Emily Mills. Yes! And finally, from Lexington in Kentucky, which I think is cocaine bear-related,

Starting point is 01:38:08 it's Perry Ritter. Or Terry Ritter, never bitter, never bitter. He is Perry Ritter. Oh! Thank you so much, good night. David! That were your best, yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:38:20 Thank you. I think I was inspired by the Daily Mirror and their articles and their headlines. Yeah. Welcome in. I think I was inspired by the Daily Mirror and their articles and their headlines. Yeah. Welcome in, Perry and Emily. I think Lexington, Kentucky was mentioned in the Cocaine Bear episode and maybe even in the Transy Hust episode as well.

Starting point is 01:38:33 Yeah, it brings about. All right, well that brings us to the end of the episode. Thanks so much for everyone for joining us. If you wanna find us, you can find us online at dogoonpodon.com on the social medias or dogoonpod.com. It's port us there or patronocomstich dooghonpod. Email addresses dooghonpod.gmail.com. If you want to support us, it's fantastic. If not, if you can't, maybe tell a friend. Share us around. Let's hope

Starting point is 01:39:00 get the word out there. That's the other way to keep this podcast ticking along. It's a way less fun to do if no one's listening. Dave, if you want to boot this baby high. Hey, all the things he said one more time, do go on pod.com for clickable links for all that stuff. But until next week, also thank you so much and goodbye. The latest. Bye. Bye!

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Two In The Think Tank - 308 - The Disappearance of 'The Canoe Man'

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