Do Go On - 308 - The Disappearance of 'The Canoe Man'

Episode Date: September 15, 2021

In March 2002, prison guard John Darwin was seen paddling out to sea in his kayak, but was not seen returning. A massive search was undertaken but he was not found and Darwin was presumed dead. That was until five years later when he walked into a London police station claiming to have amnesia. So where the hell had he been?Vote for BLOCK-BUSTER-TOBER (where we do the biggest and most popular topics in October): https://bit.ly/BLOCK2021Stream our 300th episode with extra quiz (and 16 other episodes with bonus content): https://sospresents.com/authors/dogoonFor tickets to Matt's Live Shows: https://www.mattstewartcomedy.com/ Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: patreon.com/DoGoOnPodBuy tickets for our screening of The Mummy on November 26: https://www.lidocinemas.com.au/mummy Check out our AACTA nominated web series: http://bit.ly/DGOWebSeries​ Check out Matt’s Beer show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej4TUguJL58 Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/Submit-a-Topic Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasREFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:Back From The Dead: The John Darwin Story (documentary)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXXaP1NIJn8Canoe Man (Dramatisation)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_6kA1HH--Y https://pressgazette.co.uk/david-leighs-panama-paperchase/https://www.gazettelive.co.uk/news/local-news/john-darwin-missing-five-years-3730425https://metro.co.uk/2007/12/10/darwins-beard-disguise-revealed-by-police-589075/https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-500944/John-Darwin-reached-hideaway-coffin-shaped-door.htmlhttps://metro.co.uk/2008/07/23/revealed-the-words-which-caught-anne-darwin-305728/ https://web.archive.org/web/20071208152437/http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/12/06/ncanoe906.xmlhttps://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-tees-12214355https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2013/dec/17/canoe-man-john-darwin-arrestedhttps://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/canoe-man-john-darwin-who-23334833https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/11/29/anna-avramenko-john-darwin_n_4359447.html https://social.shorthand.com/TheNorthernEcho/3gttWa568j/john-canoe-man-darwin-the-full-story https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/david-leigh-wins-london-press-304563https://pressgazette.co.uk/david-leighs-panama-paperchase/https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-tees-12214355https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Darwin_disappearance_casehttps://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-tyne-37551735https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/14779112/canoe-man-john-darwin-insurance-scam-wife-anne/https://www.theguardian.com/uk/canoehttps://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/oct/08/anne-darwin-deceiving-my-sons-was-unforgivablehttps://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/canoe-man-john-darwin-who-23334833https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/11/29/anna-avramenko-john-darwin_n_4359447.html Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amarna, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there.

Canada, we are visiting you in September this year. If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal, and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. Hello and welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dave Warnocky and, as always, I'm here with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins.

Hey, Dave, how's it going? Jess as well also, how are you going? You, fuck. Well, I'm good. Just get that in there. And I'm glad to hear that, Dave. Thank you. And I appreciate you and I love you.

And Matt, you've got a lot of work to do, young man, to win back. my affection. Oh, no. Sorry, a lot of work to do, old man. Oh, no. You really told it how it is there. Yeah, we've started early, and I think that's a fun way to begin. Hey, Jess, have you got Block Fever?

Oh, boy, boy, I was starting to feel a little woozy. I think I'm coming down with a case of, I think, of another illness. Blockitis. Blockitis. Fuck! A classic addeditis to anything. Is there a test for blockitis? Yeah, they wave a finger in front of your butt.

In front of your butt. And if your butt follows the finger, they go, oh, you've got it bad. My butt can't see anything. We should explain. Block's coming up. The month formerly known as October is now known as Blockbuster Tober or Blocktover or Blocktover or Block Tofer Grace period, amongst other things. It is Block.

It is the happiest time of the year. It's where on this podcast we do the biggest, most requested topics. Only a few weeks before Block begins. So it's up to you, dear listener, to let us know what these topics are. We've got a short list that's been put together by our Patreon supporters, our Do Go on Extroverts, et cetera. And now we need you to vote for your favourites. This is open to everyone, this poll, and the top, I think, four, maybe five, if we annex the end of September again,

will be the big block topics for 2021. So there'll be a link in the show notes, click on that, and you can vote for as many of the topics as you like, all your favorites. And yeah, I'm telling you what, I'm getting pumped for block. I can't wait. I am also pumped. You're going to get ripped? I'm going to ripped. I pulled out the barbell set.

And yeah, I'm getting ripped for block. Yeah. I was doing some squats last night and I don't have a squat rack. And so I was able to get the barbell over onto my shoulders, did my set of 12, could not get it back, was stuck for quite a while with a barbell sitting on my back. Good. I think I've done some damage to my back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So my fitness regime is going strong. Yes. As long as you are ripped for block, I don't care. I might not be ripped, but I may have a disc out of place. Okay. I might not be ripped, but I might be bulged. Is that something you can have with a... Yeah. I've bulged my back.

Yeah. Anyway, enough of that. I've got a bulge. I've got a bulge. I've got to bulge. In the meantime, Dave, how does this show work? Well, what we do here, Matt, is taking in terms of report on a topic, often suggested by a listener, we go away, do a bit of research, bring it back to the other people

in the form of a report and basically inform their little minds. We listen, we learn and we laugh. Yes, we try to laugh. We try to listen, we try to learn. And it is my turn this week to give the report to you, the SaaS twins. So may God have mercy on my soul. And we always start with a question. And to be honest, I couldn't come up with something that had the answer to this episode.

So we can just talk about it. What is the, we can just talk about this. What is the worst name for a superhero? Oh, She-Hulk. It's dumb. All right. It's real dumb. Correct.

A listener Bob messaged a comic book cover this week or last week where it was She-Hulk marrying Mole Man. Oh, that's good stuff. What would their children look like if they choose to have children? A little green moleman. Moles. Hulk moles. Yes.

Hulk moles. I'm guessing it's not She-Hulk. It is not She-Hulk. It's definitely going to end in man. Yes, you're right. It's the Something Man. Okay, okay, okay. Let us have a crack.

So is it, can we have a clue on what the something is? Like, is it a, I don't know. I can give you a clue. It's something you use in water. Dirty man. Something you use in water. Water. Soap man. Use in water or on water.

Boatman. Ski man. Getting closer. Oh, hovercraft man. Submarine man. Oh, a little bit higher on the water. Okay. Jet ski man.

Hovercraft man. Dave, put us out of our misery. You want me to put you out of your misery? No, I really want to get it though. Duck man. Paddling. Canoe man. Canyx man.

Canoe man. Cano man is the innumer. Man. Canoe man. Canoe man. That's this week's topic is called the canoe man. I love it. Well, let me give you a little paragraph of backstory here before we jump into the report. So on the 21st of March 2002, 51-year-old John Darwin paddled out to sea in his technically kayak from Seton Carew on the northeast of England. When he failed to show up for work, a large-scale sea search took place but recovered nothing.

Was he kayaking to work? No, he was going for a pleasure kayak. Okay, yeah, I was going to say. I like how you specified sea search. Like if you just said search, we'd be like, where though? Where were they looking? I mean, he was lost at sea, but where are they looking? They're looking in the woods?

They're looking at a local greggs? They went into space. It seems that he had disappeared without a trace. That was until five and a half years later when on December 1st, 2007 at 5.30 in the afternoon, John entered a London police station claiming that he had amnesia. Whoa.

This is an episode of Neighbors. Harold Bishop did this. Honestly. He drowned on the show. But then years later, he turned up in Tasmania as a Salvation Army a tuber player or something and he had amnesia. So do you think this, do you think Kayak Man based his life on tuber man from Neighbors?

Yeah, I believe so. So of course the question is, what the hell had happened to him for the past five and a half years? Can I have a quick guess? Went through some sort of vortex or portal. Yeah. All right. Well, we end the story here.

Thank you. Do you what? We've been doing this podcast for almost six years. is and it will never, ever not be funny for one of us to have a pretty early guess and the report, give it to go, and that's the show. To just rough it up, eight minutes here. That will never not be funny. And the day, the day that we decide not to make that joke

or somebody makes it and the other two go, ugh, that is the day. this podcast dies. Exactly. Well, I'm afraid Matt, you didn't actually quite get it right because I'm going to tell you about it. This is the story of the man or the guy known as the Canoe Man. Cano Man. It's a beautiful name. Beautiful name. A boy or girl.

Please, I'll be introduced you to my baby daughter, canoe man. Matt, Dave, I'd love you to meet my daughter, Canoe Man. Put it there, canoe man. That's you being an infant. Put it in here. Hey, no, you look at me in the eye, and shake, man. Oh, my God.

Stop it. My dad literally did that. I've got uncles. He used to that to me as a kid. Dad did that to every, every boy we knew. Nephew's, family friends, firm, handshake, eye contact, smile. I think you did it to me the first time.

I met him. Yeah, it sounds about right. Not a wet fish? What is this wet fish you're giving me? Dave, don't you also have a long-riding joke about trying to arm-wrestle your future daughter's boyfriend? That's right. Any partner that is brought into my home, I, a man or woman, I will be arm wrestling

them. I'll say, put it there. Come on. Put it, come on. To assert my dominance. Yeah, you must. Got to get early. What I'm going to do is shiv them.

Didn't see that coming, did you? Yeah. The biggest boyfriend or girlfriend that's brought home, I will shiv. Yeah. It's Jalyard rules. I'm going to go for what I learned in high school in my Catholic all-girls school, which is psychological warfare. So I will be acting super sweet to them.

So, so nice. But then just making little undercut little jabs, little remarks that make them feel really shit about themselves. Mother-in-law from hell. Passing your kid's dad notes at the dinner table and then laughing about the partner. Oh, hey. That's a cute dress, I guess.

How have we got here so early? Sorry, everyone. You've probably got a sentence out about this. Honestly, I was trying to get, and honestly, that was a paragraph to try and suck everyone in, trying to bid a little suspense about canoe man. I'm sucked in. It worked. I'm sucked in like I'm sucked into a vortex.

Exactly. It's a pretty wild story. A man just turns up at the police station saying, hey, I've got amnesia. My name's John Darwin. I can't remember anything for the last five and a half years. But he knew his name. Yeah, he was just missing a big chunk in his life. And he said, I think I'm a missing person, he said.

Wow. Yeah. So let's go back, way back to the beginning. John Darwin was born on August 14th, 1950 in Hartlepool, a place where I've eaten a pie and which Jess does not remember. Hartleypool. They're the town that killed a monkey because they thought it was a Frenchman. Do we have a picture of this monkey?

Yeah, I've got a photo with me next to it. There's two different. There's like a chimp statue. It's so funny that they at first the town thought a monkey was a Frenchman and then later when they commemorated it made a statue of a different animal, a chimpanzee. They thought a chimp was a monkey. Was it by the sea?

Yes, it was by the sea. Okay, I think I remember. It was very grey and misty. Yeah, okay. Imagine that weather throughout this whole report, honestly. Okay, great. So in December 1973, John married Anne and the couple had two sons together, Mark and Antony, which is funny because it sounds like Mark Antony, the Roman General.

So they didn't choose canoe men or either of their boys or girls. Interesting. No. He saw both sons and went, no, I'll save it for the next one. Yeah. Canoe Man Jr. Cano Jew. Cano Jew.

Put it there. I can't wait to see you interact with some children. Put it there. Put it there. This baby's not shaking my hand. It's weird. John Darwin worked as a school teacher teaching chemistry and maths for 18, years before changing careers and working as a prison guard.

Anne worked as a doctor's receptionist. And according to a relative who later gave a scathing interview for a documentary produced for Channel 4, that will of course link to, you can watch it on YouTube. John had high hopes and wanted to be very wealthy. He dabbled in stocks, sold things at car boot sales, which he's really going for it there. And together with his wife, they dreamed of being property millionaires. And for a while, they were doing pretty well. They had 13 properties that they let out in the town of Seton.

They let out in the town. All right, off you go, little properties. Have a good night. That's the thing. You know, a lot of property owners forget that properties need to mature at their own rate. They need autonomy. Yeah. And part of that is letting them go out and figure out who they are.

You know what I mean? And trusting they'll come back to you. Well, this one will not shake my hand. What I should have said is they had 13 properties that they rented out, guys. That's what I meant. You probably didn't do that. Oh, I get it. Sorry, misunderstanding there.

They didn't allow their properties to go and explore who they are. No, they're very conservative people. Oh, God, these two. They want to be property millionaires anyway. They've only got 13. That's like, what, 900 and... what, 987, a lot more properties to get. 99,000 and 87 more properties.

You see what I'm trying to. I get it, yeah. You're so close. I mean, there's an error rate of 900 there, but that is okay. And this is in the coastal town of Seton-Karu on the northeast of England, just south of Hartlepool. and they lived themselves in a property overlooking the ocean. A beautiful view of an ocean that, to be honest,

is probably never warm enough to swim in, but they can still see it. And they were expanding their little empire when the purchase of two further properties got them into a spot of debt. Uh-oh. The rents from their tenants were no longer covering their multiple mortgages. So they did that thing where you buy one property

and then you mortgage that and then you buy one off the back of that. And it's like a chain. You know that thing, Jess? Yeah. obviously. Totally. Everyone's done it. Everyone's got it.

Well, it is risky because if they all cover each other, then that's totally fine. But if one falls out, then it's a chain that can collapse very, very quickly. And they found the rents from their tenants were no longer covering these multiple mortgages. So they were either going to have to declare bankruptcy or come up with another way to pay their bills. And how does one come up with such a large sum of money? so quickly. Well, how about... Kayaks.

How about fake your own death? A foolproof plan that always works out super well. Okay. And on the 21st of March 2002, after finishing his night shift at the prison, John was seen by his neighbours paddling out to sea in his kayak. And it was a bit of a rough day out at sea,

so that's why the neighbours remember seeing him go. They remember thinking, going now. A bit dangerous out there. He wasn't, however, seen making a return. And when he failed to turn up to work, his wife Anne reported him missing. And it was full panic stations. A police plane with heat seeking equipment, five lifeboats, two ghost card, and also coast guard teams. Ghost card? Yeah. Oh, you know it's serious when they get the ghost card out there.

Yeah, honestly. They're not fucking about when they get ghost card. Let me tell you. Honestly, I'm sick of these spirits playing the ghost card. Honestly, we get it. They also added RAF helicopter all called to search for John. It was a sea search. All up, the sea search went for 16 hours and cost over 100,000 pounds.

And of course, they found no trace of John. John, where'd you go? The next day his canoe was discovered, wrecked, and Anne had the horrible job of breaking the news to their sons. Anthony 42 and Mark 45, that their father was dead. Well, I mean, they found the canoe. So really what she should have been breaking to them was boys who were in your mid-40s, your father's canoe.

Hang on, I've put in their ages, I think now, because there's no way that he was 50 and his son. Worth me 50 something? No, that's how all they're. they are now. It's an ongoing story. Hey. Otherwise, yeah, I'm like, wait, how long was, how long did this property venture go for? The weather is pretty cold up there.

What I didn't say was, it went on for four decades. There's no much to do in Seton Karu. They get to it early. He died canoeing at the age of 103. Gone too soon. The canoe, we mean. him honestly in impressive meetings. So disregard their age, they are adult boys, but they've been told by their mum, sorry,

but I think your dad is dead. Okay. So they're not in on it. Wait, is the wife in on it? Well, Matt, she however knew he wasn't dead because she was in on the scheme. What had happened was, after paddling out of sight, John had returned to land,

and his wife Anne had picked him up and taken him to a train station, and he'd travelled to another county and laid low for a few days. Oh, that's amazing that they just let their kids think he was dead. They didn't trust them, no. Those kids are rats or something? Did they get a rat vibe from the kids?

I mean, they're only 42 and 45. I mean, can they be trusted? One of them was a barrister. Did they get a rat vibe from their kids? Oh, you can't trust these kids. A couple of rats. Who raised them? I told him the other day not to let Mom know

that I was having an extra cookie and he spilled the beans. I don't trust this rat. You can't trust his rat. These kids, rats. Yeah, I don't know. It feels, I mean, they're obviously not thinking super logically when they're going through a plan like this.

Yeah. But wild to be like, they must have thought about it. So how old do you think the kids were approximately? Probably about 30, 30-ish. Right, so they're going to understand faking your own death by that age. Do you understand at 30? I don't know. I mean, I'm 31.

And it's a new concept to me. But I think I'm getting my head around it. But I'm a pretty immature 31. I feel like some other people with some more life experience than me might grasp it quicker. It's hard to know, isn't it? Is this a new concept to you, Jess? Dave talked about a guy faking his own death about a month ago.

What's that? Yeah, it sounds like a rat talking to me. What are you talking about rat? You're wearing a wire. What's all that right? recording equipment in front of you, Bob. Why wearing headphones talking to a microphone? Very sus.

You guys are wearing headphones talking to microphones. Oh my God, I'm also a rat. We're all... We're a little rat king right here. Whoever rats first. You're a rat king. Sorry, he laid low for a bit. John Darwin quietly returned to his house a couple of days later and began

lying low at the family home. What? He and Anne lived in the three-story terrace house. This is the one overlooking. the ocean. They also happened to own the building next door. So John installed a secret door behind what looked like a cupboard, meaning that he could slip to the top floor of the house next door as soon as they had any unexpected visitors. He even laid a cement floor so... I love a secret door. It was so, so, so cool. He even laid a cement floor so that the

creaking floorboards would not arouse suspicion as people rented the levels below. Ah, clever. And this, this worked for a while, but it seems he got a bit bored. So he decided to start going for walks in the community around his village. What? I hope he put on a fake mustache. He grew his hair and a long grey beard and walked with a limp and a walking stick to disguise himself whenever he left home.

But it's a relatively small community and all of a sudden a stranger with some really noticeable characteristics, like a big beard and a lip, you'd be like, I see that man around a bit and I don't know where he lives or where he's come from. The town gossips have been going wild. That's me.

I'm the town gossip. That's me. You're calling me up going, Matt. Have you seen this new man in town? You've got some competition for town's best beard. But don't worry, your competition for best limp is you've still got him, babe. So this is despite living in the same house in a village with only 6,000 people.

What? If he comes out, people would be like, oh, Anne's got a new man. She's really got a type. He looks a lot like her old man, but with a beard. Well, that's not a type then, is it? Beard's a type, Dave. Oh, okay. They'd be going, geez, she's really changed.

I mean, not in most features, but her type used to be guy without a beard and limp. I didn't know she was into beards. There you go. Yeah, I wouldn't have picked that. The guy with the town beards like, damn, why didn't I ask her out? Fuck. The guy with the town beard. Yeah, we've got the town gossip of the town beard.

The town beard's like, hang on a second. The town beard here challenges him to a duel. It's a beard off. So he's going for little walks. Even this wasn't enough. And soon he rejoined society as John Jones. Get fucked. So John Jones is a real person.

He had the same birth year of 1950 as John Duff. Darwin, but had died at only a few weeks old. And John Darwin had saw John Jones grave in the local cemetery with a similar birth and went, bang, that's how I'm going to impersonate. It was a similar age. And also, sharing the same first name, if someone yelled out, John, he'd instinctively turn around. Right. So the family of John Jones, are they surprised that their kid, who they buried, what, 60 years

earlier is now back with a limp? Well, they definitely didn't know at the time, but they were told years later when this became a big story, and they were very upset. Yeah, I imagine. That's awful. He said, I chose the baby because I didn't want to ruin anyone's life, anyone who was still alive.

So that's why he said, I chose that identity. I chose a dead baby instead. And just wouldn't have worked. No, I'm the real you. I mean me. Like, it wouldn't have worked. They would have gone, I've got, I've got, a lot of proof and a family who knows me as this person.

Yeah, well, I'm the new guy in town. Why did he even need to make up that night? Oh, no, yeah, there's a reason. Assuming the identity any further? He was able to, this is so wild to me, but he was able to order a copy of the baby's birth certificate by visiting his local registry office. Right.

Which seems ridiculous. And then he obtained a library card from Hartley Pool in the name of John Jones. So he faked his own death and then joins the local library. just six weeks later. Oh my God. And according to Live Gazette, he convinced a librarian at the library

that he was John Jones. She was so convinced that he was Jones that she signed his passport application. The passport featured him with a beard. He even used his real address when filling out the details of the passport. So pretty brazen stuff. But it worked.

I mean, why wouldn't she believe him to be John Jones, I guess? Yeah. Yeah, like, He's got the birth certificate. But it's amazing that was six weeks later. So his beard's only six weeks long. Yeah. At most.

Dave, yours is a few years long and it is pathetic. Oh, come on. Give me another six weeks. Give me another six weeks. Six weeks is not big bushy beard. Yeah. It's not enough that it would really disguise you. No.

But did I tell you about the limp? It was a pretty big limp. Oh, okay. He probably has a hat as well. Yeah, surely. Put on some glasses, some dark. some dark rimmed glasses or something? Yeah.

I hope he put on an accent too, did he? Hello! Oh wait, he's already English. Mickey Amel, John Jones. Comestai? That's cozy, cozy, cozy. So amazingly, so he's already able to obtain a legit passport with a fake name and his photo.

He even began turning up at the properties that he owned with Anne, calling himself a handyman. performing odd jobs around the place. When strangers like tradies were dropped by Anne's house, he'd be there, and she'd explain, oh, this is just my handyman. But then John would go on to tell them exactly what to do and act like a client.

And at least one trade he thought this was a really weird behaviour. He later told the doco team, I even said to my wife, strange people. Just imagine that in a jauny accent. It was very funny. Hey, Dave, all we know of Hartleypool so far is that they were convinced a monkey was a Frenchman and that a man without a limp had a limp.

I just think there might be a gullible city. I think they are. I think they are. And his new identity didn't come without its close calls. He was spotted in 2003 by a former colleague from Homehouse Prison. He swore it was John and even reported that he'd seen John to the police. When confronted by the cops, Mrs. Darwin told the officers that the colleague, must have made a mistake, having spotted a, quote, cousin who just looked like him.

Can we meet this cousin? No, they went out for a kayak and they didn't come back. Wow, that's the 12th cousin that's happened to. At this point, do the kids know? They still do not know. What? How? Are they not visiting?

Or when they visit, he runs up his secret hatch? He hides. Oh, my God. Anyone that would know him that visits, he hides. He's out in the fucking town. The whole town knows that Anne has this random guy called John hanging around her house all the time. With a beard. But when his own children visit, he's like, oh, better hide.

What the fuck? He wasn't faking his death for the money. It was to get away from his kids. Just stop calling them. You can just distance yourself from your kids. You don't have to fake your own death. Have they moved to London or something? or what's happened there with the kids?

Are they still around? Yeah, I don't know where they were working, but they were working like sort of financey job, so maybe they had moved away to London and that maybe Anne's going to visit them. I'm not sure. That's bonkers. But somehow they were kept in the dark.

They must feel awful about it when it comes out. How strange would you feel? You'd be like, oh, what a relief you didn't die, but is this worse? I'd be such a strange. What a relief you didn't die? Because now I'm going to kill you. That would be me.

In the movie, that's definitely the line they would use when it gets turned into a comedy. Let me tell you there are not one, but two film adaptations of this story. Oh. And not meant to be a comedy, but one of them I watched... It certainly is. Mrs. Doubtfire.

They took quite a few liberties with Mrs. Doubtfire, but the basic story is there. It's a loose adaptation, yeah. The accent is accurate. That's a Hartlepool accent. Hello. Help is on the way. One day John was at a group of flats that he owned

and one of the tenants, a guy called Lee Wadrop, which is an incredible name. Incredible. Lee Wadrop bumped into John Darwin on the stairs. He immediately recognised him and said, aren't you supposed to be dead? Whoa. To which John replied,

Don't tell anyone about this. Didn't even try. He did not even try to be like, sorry? No, I'm John's cousin. Sorry? What do you mean? I'm sorry, I don't think we've met. No, he didn't even try.

Wardrop didn't tell anyone, later telling police, I just didn't want to get involved. Yeah, I feel that. Ah, couldn't be bothered. I'm baffled and strangely angered by this story. Why am I so mad about this? I'm not sure. But I am.

I'm really mad. Of course, the whole purpose of faking of the death was to avoid bankruptcy and claim life insurance money and access his pension money early. and pushed for a death certificate to be issued. And because John's batted canoe had been found, because he'd pushed it out to sea, a death certificate was issued despite the lack of body.

All up, over 250,000 pounds in insurance and pension money was claimed, which is well over half a million Aussie dollars. So now he's both officially fake his own death and faked his own birth. Because he got a fake birth certificate, fake death certificate. I reckon now he should fake his death again as John Jones. John Jones should die again. Double indemnity. Can't get me twice for the same crime.

Yeah. Is that what I mean? If I kill two people, cancels each other out. Double jeopardy. Can't get me twice for it. So, I mean, that might be in a different country, but still. Whatever. I've seen the Ashley Judd movie.

Yeah. I've seen the Ashley Judd trailer for the movie. She did it. time. I watched the second half of it once on Channel 9 in 2004. It's an alright film. I actually watched it at Gold Class. Where were you? Do you have a curry? Yeah, Jam Factory Gold Class. What'd you eat? Yeah, snacks. That wasn't the time I had the curry. That was a different time. That was during one of the ones with that, the Bow and Arrow. Hunger Games. Do you think that if you'd had a second curry, it wouldn't have been bad because it was double jeopardy?

Yeah, double curry Jeopardy. Can't see each other around. No, I remember having it because I was on my P's, I think. I had a light beer and a chock top and a hot chocolate. Just living on my best life. That's fucked. That's a farted drink. Well, separately you go, I'll have the beer a third of the way through the film.

I'll have the chock top halfway through the film and I'll have the hot chocolate two-thirds of the way. Still all sitting in your tongue too close together. That's living the gold class life, baby. Oh, no, that's living the I'm 18 years old life. Yeah, my... Metabolism. My 30-year-old body acid reflux.

Anyway, what rabbit hole are we down now? I'm confusing two different times. I think that movie came out when I was a teen. I think you're reaching for your phone to try and work out your receipts for gold classroom. Hang on. Let me check my Google calendar. Oh, that was a different, what was that movie when I saw that?

I said those things. When I said those things. I didn't have a light beer, but I had the other two, I'm sure. So much better combo. Yeah, I'll allow that. The beer was the problem there. Yeah. Anyway, he's got half a million Aussie dollars, 250,000 pounds.

This is more than enough to clear their debts. They then started selling off their investment properties at a profit and hid their somewhat ill-gotten gains in a web of offshore accounts, which meant they were able to elude the authorities and the tax man. So many of these kind of crimes feel like more stressed than they're worth. Nah, I disagree. I think it's completely worth it because money is awesome. And let's not forget that when you have heaps of it,

your life is better and also you can't die. and when you do originally die, you take all that money with you. That's true. The best thing about this plan is he gets to live in the attic. It's so good. This plan has zero downsides. I mean, he can go and walks. He join the library.

He's living a good life. You can never talk to your sons again or ever meet or meet your grandchildren. Why didn't they leave town? I don't understand why they didn't move. Well, actually, that's a good point, Matt. Now he's debt-free, he's got a fake passport. Why not do a little bit of travel? The couple travelled to Cyprus with the intention of buying some land,

but found that it took too long to get the ball rolling on any deals. You know, they're on Ireland time over there, so the fraudsters returned to their little hideout. Just wait a bit longer. But living locked down and hidden behind a cupboard for most of your day can be pretty dull. So John had gotten quite into playing online fantasy games. Oh, my God.

One of which is called... Fantasy football. I just joined an NFL, a fantasy league. Is that what you mean? No, I'm talking about... Or like, what are they called? An MM-O-R-P-G. Yes, MM-O-R-Pgis.

He was playing Asheron's Call, one of the original major MM-R-PGs. I was going to call them WWW. Dot games, but no, you're right. They're MM-R-O-PGs. Technically, I think you're right. He was playing on a PC. M-M-Porgies, as I like to call them,

one of Elizabeth, The seconds. One of the many boys. Secret affairs. We all know Elizabeth's boyfriend, Porgy. It's a household name.

Everybody knows Porgy. Now, let's stop talking about him. I'm bored of it. Move on. Sorry, we talked a bit about Porgy last week, listeners. If you missed what that was about. I looked it up. His name is actually.

Porchy. I was so close. So close. Just the confidence that you said it with is very funny. You guys know, we're like, what? And then you walked back so quickly. Yeah. I will walk back anything so quickly. I'll walk back things that are 100% true very quickly if anyone shows a fraction of doubt. My name's Matt. Matt? Matt? Yeah. Wouldn't, well, maybe not.

I mean, technically it is Matthew, but a shortened version of that that I often go by. If that's alright with you, is Matt, yes. Put her there. So he's playing Asheron's call according to the game's website. I'd never heard of it, but it's

it is where thousands of players inhabit a beautiful 3D fantasy world to make friends and seek out perilous adventure. And John did make friends and he got talking to a woman named Kelly Steele, a married mother of two who lived in Kansas. Fuck it out, John. What are you up to now,

piece of shit. Well, he's always scheming, Jess. He's a wheeler and dealer, and the two got talking about how land was dirt cheap where she lived and how good it would be to do up a cattle ranch together. And apparently that was one of his dreams now,

to be a cattle rancher. Of course it was. He'd give her the money to buy it, and then she'd buy it in her name. She'd then renovated and run the ranch, and they'd split the profit. And at first she thought that he was joking, but then the money actually appeared in her account.

She was like, oh, let's go serious. I mean, how much do you think someone is, oh, I just thought he was joking. I gave him my bank details. Just in case. I mean, you pretty much, it wasn't a surprise to you that money arrived in your bank account. She's laughing on, that's my BSB. Yeah, and here's my account number. And, yeah, loll.

Slapping her knee. Anything else you need? Yes, it is Bank West. You know, like it's not. that much of a surprise, is it, if you've provided those details? Well, the money arrived and she was surprised despite this. She bought a really run-down old ranch, like really run-down. And then John flew to Kansas using his fake passport.

But when he arrived, Kelly immediately got some weird vibes from him. Yeah, no shit, because he's a fucking weirdo. Well, she later recalled that after he arrived, he went to her house and he went to get changed, but he didn't close the door. and she was like, I've got kids in this house. This is super weird that you're just like taking your pants off with the door open. So she started getting weird vibes.

She then took him to a local hotel and never let him come into her house again. Oh, okay. That's so weird. He just doesn't know how to deal with people anymore. Is he actually a sex pest? Well, she later told, she tells the documentary. She's interviewed. She goes, I told him, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

I don't know what you do in your. country, but in America. We close the door when we take up our pants. It's like, yeah, we do that everywhere. Yeah. So she was like, I don't want him here anymore. I took him to a hotel. But sadly for Kelly, she was financially tied to this man. And she had no idea that he'd faked his own death and was a total con artist.

But she did soon experience John Darwin's dark side. That's because... That's his butt. I told you, close the fucking door. things didn't move as quickly on the ranch as he would have liked. Basically, it was a total mess. The property needed a complete overhaul, which of course takes time. But John was not a patient man.

After a couple of weeks, Kelly asked him to go back to England, which he did. Hang on. John wasn't a patient man, you say. No. Like how after a few weeks of faking his death, he'd already assumed another identity was out walking in his fucking village and had a fucking library card. Yeah, he does it.

Oh, he's a patient. Is he's a very patient? I hate this man. Well, you're about to hate him even more, Jess. Let me tell you that. He went home to England, but he kept harassing Kelly with emails, asking why it was taking so long, why Kelly couldn't get the ranch up to scratch sooner.

He got more and more aggressive with her until one day he said, I want my half of the investment back right now. But Kelly didn't have the money, couldn't sell the ranch, and couldn't get alone. And that's when things got really nasty. Kelly later said that he threatened to kill her and her family if she didn't pay up. He claimed to know a gangster from New York

who would enforce the debt and make sure that she paid up. He emailed saying, this is how unhinged he was. Some questions you may think about, why did my horse get sick? Do the brakes in my car need checking? Was it the Godfather Part 1, where that man's favorite horse got its head cut off, which is such a wild speculation.

It's like, yes, it was the Godfather part one. Yeah, that's him just getting distracted mid-emar. Which one was? I want to chuck on a film later day, and that's my favourite bit. I want to allude to a threat about cutting your favourite horse's cut off. Was the Godfather Part 1? Was it 1 or 2? I know it wasn't 3.

There was 1 or 2. It wasn't. Have you seen that scene in the... Seen in the Godfather Part 1 with a horse? Yeah. You know what I'm talking. But it was like, what was it? That one.

Which one was it? Number one? I think so. Let's say one. And he signed off this unhinged email with Let the Nightmare Begin. He really freaked out Kelly but never followed through on any of these threats, thankfully. But she was left very shaken by it. He basically was looking over her shoulder for many months and years after this.

His wife, Anne, would later say that John lost 30,000 pounds on the failed deal. So he just left the... money in the end. So that didn't work out either. But how about a life not under des but a life on de sea? He moved to sea land. Wow, fantastic. Honestly, he probably could have afforded to buy it at this stage. He wanted to purchase a catamaran to live on and and sail around the world. He looked at a 60-foot catamaran worth 60,000 pounds. And according to the owner, apparently once belonged to Princess Rose. Rainier of Monaco, aka Grace Kelly, which is very cool.

So it was very top spec back in the day, but that was built in the 70s. So by the time John was looking at it in the 2000s, the former luxury craft had seen much better days. He haggled and haggled with the owner, then got it down to half price, but John still demanded they throw more into the deal and service the boat and make it nicer. And again, his emails seemed super unhinged, and it just got worse and worse until the deal collapsed and the guy was like, I'd rather not sell to this weirdo. Jeez.

Okay. So no Cyprus, no Kansas, no life on the sea. But John was not about to give up. Anne later said, he was forever looking at new things and new places on the internet. And one day he just came up with Panama. Oh, John. It's a real scatter gun approach. It's not like he's got one idea and he's looking at different options in this world.

He's gone from being a rancher to living on the same. to now living at a canal, I assume. That's all I know about Panama, or wearing a hat. Exactly. Ah, yes, which one is it? It's a both. Oh, okay. Or is it, did he love the Van Halen song?

Yeah, that's the third thing that came to my mind too. Panama. Hey, that's a good idea. Turn it up. So he wrote emails on Anne's behalf to a bunch of real estate agents. And in July 2006, three years now after disappearing, they flew to Panama. They met an estate agent and Anne told her that she was widowed, but introduced the man accompanying her as her friend slash partner.

This was, of course, John. Her husband, who was very much alive. They went to a small town called Escobel, about two hours away from the capital of Panama City, where they were shown a massive 481-acre block of untouched jungle. It had no water, no electricity, but they fell in love with it, hoping they could build their dream home and run. an upmarket eco lodge, as well as a kayaking business on the adjoining lake.

Oh, yeah, you and your bloody kayaks, John. He's the canoe man. Surely he's the one to take the tours. Think of the marketing. Ranch to the sea to a jungle. Yeah. There's just no thinking going into this at all. Yeah.

It's just panic. Yeah, he gets distracted by an idea and he just goes with it for a little while and then changes his mind. And his kids still think he's dead. Oh, yeah. Fuck you. They paid $390,000 US dollars for the block. And they felt free in Panama.

For the first time in three years, they felt comfortable enough to pose for photographs. They took some in the jungle of the block they were buying, and then back at the estate agent's office, the agent and director of moved to Panama, a guy called Mario Villa, asked them to pose for a photo, and they didn't have any time to object.

So they took a photo with him. He didn't have time to say no. They didn't have time to be like, oh, no. I think his assistant just said, oh, post for a photo, now we've signed the deal, and they're just there standing with him. They also bought a small apartment in Panama City

to live in whilst the block was excavated, and Mark and Anthony wished their mum well as she embarked on her new life. Remember, the two sons do not know that their father is still alive. So they think she's there alone? Yeah, they think she's just moved to Panama, having maybe a midlife crisis.

They're like, all right, mum, you've been through a lot. What the fuck? Well, these boys aren't being very good sons either, may I just add. Seems like it might run in the family. Rat family. Been a bit of a piece of shit. Rats, the line of you. Rats.

So they're in Panama for a little bit, and then they went on a holiday to Costa Rica, but then something happened. John flew back to the UK, leaving his wife in Panama. There's a few possible reasons that he decided to fly home at this point. One is that he thought that he was about to be discovered and he had to act on the front foot.

They may have gotten wind that the police had started in an investigation after a colleague of Anne's became suspicious upon overhearing a phone conversation between the couple. That's a possibility. He also may have learned that Panama had tightened up visa approval when it came to overseas investors. They were now required to have their identities verified by UK police before they were. could go through on any more deals. And for obvious reasons, this is something he did not want to do. His alias was okay, but probably wouldn't hold up under major scrutiny. So John did what any

reasonable person would do in this situation. Fake his own death. He walked into a London police station and said, I have amnesia. I can't remember anything before five and a half years ago. I think I am a missing person. The story of a man who was thought dead reappearing after all this time hit the front page of the papers all around the UK, and the police had to call a press conference. They said of John, quote, he was in apparent good health, tanned, well-nourished, and dressed, which I believe, I think that means well-dressed, but it does imply that they're remarking that he was not naked. Well, I mean, after what he got up to in Kansas. Exactly. So the media went absolutely wild for the story, and they were desperate to get an

interview with Anne who was still in Panama. Panama. What year is this now, Dave? Panama. Sorry. This is now 2007 in December 2007. So Jess, you're not quite a journalist at this point. I mean, year 11, yeah.

A couple years away from hitting the journalism degree. Yes. Was this still a big story that you worked on? Yeah, did you get the hot scoop? Yes. Well, no, because by, even when I first started uni, I wasn't doing journalism. Because I thought I had big dreams that were crushed and I fell back on journalism. So. Classic fallback.

Yeah, it's a good fallback that I don't use. So, no, this wasn't a story that I was really across. I'm afraid you were beaten. Tip to the Post by David Lee, the first journalist to make it to Central America. David Lee again. Every time with that guy. An ongoing rivalry. Yeah, he gets every time.

Not David Lee, Roth, singer of Panama. Panama. That's why she trusted him for the interview. He tracked down her apartment and banged on the door at night until she asked him what he wanted. He was just banging. banging, banging. Yeah, it's cool to harass people, isn't it?

Yeah, that's fun. That's journalism. Lee persuaded Anne to talk to him by explaining that before long, reporters from almost every newspaper would be stalking her and camping outside her door. So she consented to an interview and to avoid the other press, they checked into a nearby hotel under false names. Sounds sexy. It does.

An affair began. Hello, I'm Jessica Rabbit. It's the first sexy name I thought of. Thank you. Anne seemed surprised and delighted that after all this time her husband had been found. After all, her story was that she'd thought he was dead for five years, and because of that, hadn't spoken to him in a long, long time. But then some more news came to light in the form of an image. An anonymous woman emailed a photo that she found to Yorkshire Police and to the Daily Mirror.

It was a photo of Anne and John and their real estate agent in his office in Pan Amish. That's what brought him undone. This sadly proved that Anne knew that he was alive and had known he was alive for at least 18 months. The Daily Mirror published it on its front page the next day beneath the headline. What do you think of this? Canoes this in Panama. Canoes this.

Canoes this. In Panama. Is that a pun? I don't get it. It's supposed to be who's this in Panama, but they've used canoe. Canoes this. Oh, that's. I hate that.

So good. I don't think that works. I don't think that works at all. Absolutely, it does not. That seems like something that you would pull out in the triptage club section later in the show. If you panicked and brought that out in the triptage club and then I stared at you blankly and you said, like, who's this, canoes this? I'd say, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. And I'd continue to hype you because it was a panicked sort of like spur of the moment thing.

But these sub-editors, it's their job to come up with titles. Canoes this. So are you telling me that I should go work for the Daily Mirror? I could do better than them? Yes. Wow, thanks. Well, you could do as good. Appreciate that.

If not slightly better, sometimes. I don't really see a difference between your day job, Dave, as the Friday Funnies video producer at the project and the sub-editor at the mirror. Both journalism. I reckon I could transfer. I canoes this. I'm saying you wouldn't be stepping up or down.

That would be a... Similar skill set. Side step. Side step. Side stepping into the mirror. Right, I'll apply. Sidespepping into the mirror. That's beautiful.

That's the name of my debut album. Gorgeous. Love that. It's a poetry album. Poetry album. Love that. Yeah. Good for you.

Thank you. So David Lee, who was the journalist with Anne and who won an award for this scoop and later wrote a book about the incident, showed her the photo and asked what she thought. this is like, you know, a few hours after she's given him an interview saying, yeah, I'm so happy that John's alive. Oh, he's alive. That's great.

Yeah, great. And now the journalist is like, what do you say about this photo? Anne silently looked at the picture for about five or ten minutes, holding her head in her hands. That's a long time. That's so long. That's such a long time. Sometimes in a conversation or an argument,

if my partner pauses in thought for like 30 seconds, I want to scream. If this was in like some sort of a current affair interview or something, the journalists would be saying, take your time. Take your time. Five to ten minutes, I'd be like, I might just go get a coffee or something. Anne, I'm really hungry. Could you answer? Anne, this seems like a bit of an overreaction and a little bit ridiculous.

Five, come on. What I would have said is, his ghost was there with me? I felt his presence. I felt him. It's amazing with this picture, picked that up. Wow. I thought that guy looked familiar. I would have played the ghost card.

Ghost card? You were a ghost card? I wanted to say that's his cousin. Yeah, but then how do you get him and the cousin in the same room? Because that's the first thing people are going to ask for. All right, let's get those two together then. Oh, no, my cousin just died. Yeah, out at sea.

Out at sea. On the Panama Canal. The story ends up being like that, um, the end of that magician movie with all those bodies in the basement. You know, I'm talking about it. I'm not sure which magician movie is spoiled, but I'm sure you did one of them. Well, that's why I was vague about it. So people who know, no, no.

Okay. Well, I don't know, but now you've ruined every film for me ever. I'll never watch another magician movie. David Ponderfield. They're my favourite type of movie. So she looked at it for a long time, five or ten minutes. That's what the journalist later said, holding her head in her hands before finally just saying, I think that picture says a lot, doesn't it?

What? Yeah, I can't add anything more than that picture says. That picture says a thousand words. I don't even know a thousand words, so let's leave it at that. She tapped the photo of John and said, Canoes this. And the journal said, I'm not in that, you know.

Shit, Anne, you've done it again. And canoes that. That's a great segment, canoes this, canoes that. Dave, come on. You're the pun. master. What's, or the pun king, whatever you're known as, what's the, what's the better headline here? You're a pun king, mate.

I'm the pun master, I believe. What am I? The pun apprentice. The pun apprentice. What, Jess, what would you do? You're the only one with the journalism degree here. What would you put up as the headline? Um, uh, well, I would, I would go for canoe man.

Alive in Panama. Wait. Yes. Hyphen big old fraud. That's good. I don't even need to read the article now. Exactly. That's what titles should be.

Yeah. Hang on. You want people to not read your articles? Yes. It's where I get most of my news is from headlines. What about you canoes, you lose? No. That's not quite relevant, is it?

But it's closer to something than what they did. Way better. It's still nothing, but it is better. Canoes this. They'd have to be in brackets what we were doing here, what we were trying to do here. The first paragraph is just trying to explain the pun. What about man in kayak says Bay Yak to his old life? Yeah.

I think again it's nothing, but it's better than what they had. I still think mine's the strongest. Yeah, I would go with Jess as if I was going to pick one of this, right? Probably could trim a few words out of it, but... That's what I'm agreed to disagree. A few too many hyphens. I love a hyphen. I love them.

Now, you might be wondering how this anonymous woman found the image to send to the police and the newspaper in the first place. Well, let me tell you. Let me tell you, it was some Sherlock Holmes level super sleuthing. Apparently, the woman had simply typed John, Anne, Panama into Google Images and up popped the photo dated July 14, 2006. So the fact that his fake name was John is what undid him in the end. Oh, that's so funny. So we had a more interesting fake name, like Fernando Hernandez or something, he wouldn't have been found out.

Amazing. Fernando Cumberbatch. Oh, that's better. So, but imagine that you're like, maybe I'll just try Google Images. John, Anne, Panama, search. Got it. Number one result.

Well, I'm pleased to report that to this day, if you type John and Panama into Google Images, this photo still pops up. Oh, that's so good. You know we're both Googling it right now. So you can have a look at what they look like. John, Anne with an E, Panama. There's also my parents' names, John.

John Ann. John Ann, Panama. He doesn't have a beard. No, he's taking the beard off. In Panama, they can relax. They can be themselves. Wow, what a silly mistake he made there, hey? Like, if he still had the beard, you'd be like,

oh, and that's my cousin, the girl with a beard. That's my cousin, the guy with a beard. It's always funny to see him after your picture of people for a while. They look adorable. Yeah. And smile, adorable. Just disagrees. Based on what the face she's making.

I'm a strong disagree from me. So the jig was up and now the press were loving it more than ever and Anne was hounded in Panama. The Press Gazette writes about Anne's lawyer. Quote, the lawyer suggested that her staff would race off in their five or six black BMWs in different directions with Anne in the last one. It was like the Italian job.

The lawyer rang me later and said journalists were still following her staff. Which Italian job we're talking? We're talking the Mark Wahlberg one with the Minis? Or the Michael Kane. I'm talking about the original one, also with minis. But they both had minis, okay. So that stayed true.

Older minis. Older minis and then the mini cooper's. Yeah, that's right. Charlize Theron as someone who could crack safes. Oh, I'm going to watch that again. Me too. A bit of fun. Want to watch it together?

Yeah. As soon as this is done. Let's watch a movie. Let's watch a movie. Chuck it on. Get some popcorn. I'll get a beer. a chock top, hot chocolate.

I'll be shitting all night. I'm going to have a liter of milk, a liter of fizzling, and I'm going to do some star jumps, see what happens. Just mix it all up in there. Matt, what we're saying is you are feral. It was a few years ago. I can't remember what that film was, because it was one I watched by myself. Oh, I get sad.

In gold class and I felt like a fucking king. No one else was there. It was on like a Wednesday afternoon. I was wagging uni. Living like a king. Living like a king. One light beer, please. King of the world, baby.

Was it the Titanic? Wasn't the Titanic? Well, it would have been in the 2000s. Was it one of your favorite magic films? Yeah, I'll say no more. So Anne flew back to Manchester and was arrested as soon as the plane landed on the tarmac. Police came on board and nabbed her.

What a scene. She had to face the police, the press, but probably worst of all, her sons, who now knew that she'd lied to them for five and a half years about their dad being dead. And at first, they'd been absolutely stoked because their dad had seemed to come back to life. And they even called their mum up and said,

you're never going to believe it. Dad's alive. And she had to be like, no. No, no. Oh my God. No. No. No.

No. Who? Who? You're dad? No. I don't. What? I don't remember.

Who's your dad? John's talking in the background. Sh, John. Shut up. It's the kids. It's the rats. The bloody rats are at it again. I got the rats on the line.

By this time, John had also been arrested for fraud. And soon the couple had to come clean. John's amnique. Magically disappeared and they both gave detailed interviews about how they'd gotten away. This is with police, how they'd gotten away with such a big lie for such a long time. John Darwin claimed that he'd always planned to come back and repay the insurance money once he'd sorted out his debts. He was like, why else would I come back?

But of course, the question is, if you did have honest intentions, why did you lie and pretend to have amnesia and why did you have that property, you'd spend all your money on in Panama, well was all your money in secret offshore accounts. You don't have the money to pay back the insurance because you've spent it all in Panama. And he's like, nah, I came back to do the right thing. He's just like, he's lied for so long

that he doesn't know what the truth is anymore. He can't tell the truth. He's the opposite, Jim Carrey. I can't truth. It wasn't me. The sons issued a statement saying that they'd cut off all contact with their parents and that they'd never forgive them. The Sunset unwittingly helped transfer the fraudulent insurance money into offshore accounts.

In a way, they were lucky to not get implicated, but the police believed their story of innocence. The brother said that they'd gone from the height of elation at finding him to be alive to the depths of despair at the recent stories of fraud and these latest pictures. So they were really upset. Fair enough, yeah. Conspiracy theory? Yes.

The boys were in on it, but the parents said they weren't to protect them. Honestly, could be a thing, maybe. Yeah. I mean, is there any proof to suggest that? No, and the police did come out and say, hey, we've interviewed the sons, and we'd like to say that we don't consider them suspects. Right.

Well, I guess that's the thing. It's plausible deniability. You know, the parents could argue we were trying to stop you from being a part of the fraud, Maybe? But still, surely you'd be upset. Oh, 100%. Oh my God. John Darwin was charged with obtaining life insurance money by deception and making untrue statements to obtain a passport. All up, including the fraud and the search and rescue when he first disappeared, he was looking at a one million pound bill. So we owed a lot. Both the couple were convicted of fraud and after admitting deception, John was sentenced to six years and three months in prison. And Darwin, who denied the fraud, but was

found guilty was handed an even longer six and a half year term. So she got three months longer because she didn't plead. The guilty. Her lawyer obviously thought she could get off. Yeah. But there was no chance of John getting off. But yeah, she got more jail time. John Darwin was released on probation in January 2011

and Anne Darwin was released in March 2011. So they spent about three years behind bars. The entire £501,000 in life insurance and pension payouts received by Anne Darwin had been recovered. part of which involved the sale of the two properties in Panama. So they did pay back the insurance and the pensions. Whilst in prison, Mrs Darwin decided to separate from her husband after seeing a psychologist.

That's probably a good call, yeah. Did she round the psychologist real hot? Yeah. She left him for a psychologist. Oh, we don't talk about any of that stuff. I just met him at a bar. She always maintained that John was the mastermind and had bullied her into the plan.

and then it just totally spiraled out of control, and then she was just trapped in a massive lie. She told the BBC in 2016 that she felt blessed that both sons had since forgiven her, which is very nice. So she's got a relationship with her sons, and she, as of 2016, works for the RSPCA. Okay. All right.

Her ex-husband, John, is still occasionally in the tabloids and is never painted in a very good light. In 2013, he was arrested for breaking his bail conditions after taking an unauthorised trip to the Ukraine to meet a woman. So that's the Guardian's way of describing the situation. The Daily Mail went for a less subtle headline. See if you reckon that we could write a better headline than this. I never want to see Canoe Conman again.

He's just a sleazy old man, says Ukrainian blonde, 25. He flew 1,700 miles to date. That is one headline. Yeah, it's wordy. That's more on the Jess' mould. Get it all in there. So excellent. Yes.

There's one little hyphen in here, Jess, if you're happy with that? Yeah, I do like a hyphen. I would say something like, canoe man flies to Ukraine for love is rejected. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's better, honestly. Because why do they always bring in like that she's blonde and what's her age? Dumb.

That's what the daily male do. Yep, absolutely. Yeah, gross. Who cares? The key points are he's gross and she wants nothing to do with him. What about the original Panama headline, Cano's This? Yeah. What if it was, oh, canoe, I'm busted.

Like, no instead of no. Oh, okay. So it's maybe like a sock. Oh, Cano. Canoe. Canoe, I'm busted. Yeah, yeah, that's good. Australian sort of accent.

Oh, cano. Oh, cano. I'm Kaskro. What about for the Ukrainian headline? It's just a picture of him with a woman that just says canoodles this, question mark? And the answer is, no. She objected it.

As of January 2021, he was reportedly living in the Philippines with his new wife. So he's moved on. Well, that was always his passion. He always wanted to be in the Philippines. He doesn't quite put his finger on yet. From day, Dot, he said, do darling I wish to live in the Philippines. That was the dream.

That was why they did all of this to fulfill his dream of living in the Philippines. I accidentally said that my dream was to own a ranch in Kansas. I accidentally said my dream was to buy a giant yacht, but really it was all about the Philippines. Yark. See, money ruins people. That's why I'll never have that much of it.

Ah, but you won't be ruined. By choice. Mentally, my psychologist would disagree, but... Oh, are you dating a psychologist? I wish. It would be cheaper. I reckon actually, if I could choose, I would... I think it would make the most sense for me to date a chiropractor.

That would save me a lot of effort and money. Yeah, right. That's the practitioner. I frequent the most. most. Why don't you just, you know, work that backwards and get your partner to learn chiropractic? I've asked. I've asked. Trust me, I've tried. No? Not interested? Not interested in, you know, the many years of university. Whatever. Sorry to hear it. Thank you. Well, speaking of us watching movies together, this story has been adapted a couple of times. I think it might be

a pretty big and well-known story in the UK. I think it kind of reminded me of something like, you know, like Chappelle Corby where like there's heaps of tabloid stuff about it and we all know about it in Australia, but overseas maybe it's less of a big deal. Right. But there was a TV movie called Canoe Man in 2010 on BBC 4 which you can watch in its entirety on YouTube

and I encourage you to do so because the acting is hilarious. Is it a comedy? I don't think it's meant to be, but I found it very amusing. Do the boys do the line? I'm so glad you're not dead, because now I can kill you. I don't know. They didn't say that. They missed out your line.

Disappointing. The film starred Bernard Hill, who played Captain Edward Smith in the Titanic. Remember the Captain in the Titanic that goes down with the ship? And Saskia Reeves as John and Ann Darwin, respectively. I'll put a link to that in the show notes if you want to watch. It's very, very funny. But more recently, this is. year 2021, an ITV four-part mini-series was in production called The Thief, His Wife and the Canoe.

Did you write that title, Jess? Pretty good. This one stars Eddie Marsen as Darwin and Monica Dolan as Anne. So it's not out yet, but I assume that it will be out sometime soon. Do we know any of those actors you've mentioned? The guy from the Titanic. Yeah, okay. No, I think you would probably know stuff that this.

I looked up Eddie Marson's been in a bunch of stuff. stuff is an English actor been in a lot of things. I was expecting him to say because it's an English, like, daytime movie sort of thing that it was going to be like Peter Andre and Jordan reuniting to play. Yeah, right. What a reference. There's some people I haven't thought about in a long time. Still big in the UK, I believe.

It's a different world over there, isn't it, with their Jordans, their canoe men. It's a different world over there, isn't it? In it. In there. A beautiful world. A world we want to go back and go. Gorgeous, please. If you haven't seen it, we put out on our YouTube channel,

there's a little tour video from when we went to the UK and Ireland a couple of years ago. Getting a bit of love. It's just a pretty, it's a bit of a gentle, nice watch in these COVID-y times. Put together by John from Joyzee, which I think you did a fantastic job. Gorgeous. So that brings me to the end of the report. on the canoe man. What a goddamn story, Dave?

Well done. Little golf claps for you. I did think, I'm like, when you said canoe man, I'm like, this is going to be boring. But it wasn't. It was wild. And also, like, fairly early on, it was like, yeah, so anyway, he faked it. And I was like, how much further can this story go?

And we're like 15 minutes in. And then it just kept going. And I was like, what is happening? Yeah, it's such. He just made so many wild, strange choices. Yeah, really, really baffling. And honestly, I hate him. And it's amazing he got away with it for five and a half years.

It doesn't sound like they were careful in any way. And he handed himself in. Like, he definitely would have got away with it for a lot longer if he didn't do that. Yeah, if he just stayed in Panama and laid low. But he thought, no, no, no, I'll be able to get myself out of this. I'll just pretend I've lost my, you know, my memory. Yeah, he was Homer Simpson with his legs in the quicksand. And I'll get these out with my hands, and I'll get my hands out with my face.

So I think that brings us to everyone's favorite section of the show, the quote or question section, or really broadly, it's just a section of the show, the last 20, 30 minutes where we thank a bunch of our great supporters. These are the people who keep the show going. We can't thank them enough. That's why we dedicate this last section of the show to them. But we have a little fun while we do it. And I think that's the key.

And you can support us in a couple of ways. If you go to patreon.com slash dogo on pod or do go onpod.com. You can sign up on either of those places. And yeah, there's a bunch of different levels. Some have bonus episodes. We do three of those a month. They're always great. I reckon some of our best episodes are the bonus episodes.

And you get voting rights. Dave, was this a free choice maybe? Oh, this was a free choice, yes. But Jess and mine at the moment are a vote. on by the Patrions. And, yeah, all sorts of different rewards. There's a Facebook group, which is the sweetest corner of the internet. I realized last night, it's the only place online where I'm sincere is in that Facebook

group. If I ever have a thought about something that I like or something sincere, I go, I'm going to go post about it in the Facebook group. I don't know what that says about me, but it's true, I think. It says you're a big old cutie pie. That's what it says. So the first thing we like to do is go through some facts, quotes and questions. If you're on the Sydney-Shaunberg level, you get to give us a fact of quote or a question.

We read them out on the show. It has a little jingle this section that goes something like this. First quote or question. He always remembers the ding. So, yeah, if you get involved on this level, we get to give us a fact-quote a question. You also get to give yourself a title. First up this week, we have Jami Ladello, who's given himself or herself the title. Jammy, I guess. My friends call me James, but I guess just jammy for you guys.

I think it's a guy now that I read his name is James. All right. James, or Jammy, sorry, has given us a fact. And the fact is, there is a genetically modified variety of peach called saucer peach, which was made to be easily stacked in a kid's lunchbox. What? That's wild, saucer peach. I've never heard of that. No. Love it.

Sometimes scientists do things. They ask themselves a question, can we do it? When they should ask the question, should we? Yes, I did watch Jurassic Park this week. Yeah, I'm looking at them. They're flat, stackable peaches. That is so funny. That is a scientist who was one day annoyed when packing their kids' lunch

and just took it way too far. He flipped the lunchbox across the room and said, that's it. Put on his coat, lab coat, and went in and got to work. Oh, Jammy, that is a fantastic. That is a fantastic one. That's Jammy's first fact quota question. Welcome to the club.

Great work. Bringing that to my attention. I had no idea about it. Yeah, I think they should do that for all foods. Make them all stackable. Yes. The next one is another fact. It comes from Saraj Pyrriss,

whose title is not white, Anglo-Saxon or Protestant. Sometimes I don't know what the title. references and usually it comes clear in the fact. Let's see. Here is Sarage's fact. Boring fact. Figs aren't fruit. Technically, they're inverted flowers. Huh, that is boring. Now, that's a good fact. We're getting a lot of fruit facts here. This is amazing. Yeah, I love this. Let's keep this theme going. You said, you're the one in charge of boring facts. Is that a boring fact? Well, I think the thing is because I'm quite boring and I like little tidbits like that. So I actually find that fun.

So it's not boring for me. So that makes it boring. Yeah, I think if I like it, it's probably boring and I do. I like it a lot. Because I'm a fun person and I dozed off for that. Saraj, I'm on your team. I'm on your side. My specialty is the grim facts.

And that's the next one Saraj has offered. Grim fact, most figs used to have. a dead wasp inside them because some fig trees need wasps to pollinate them. The female wasp crawls inside to pollinate the fig but can't get out. Luckily the body is broken down by the fig. Oh, that is a grim fact. Oh, they can't crawl out. Gross.

It's one-way valve. And finally, the fun fact says probably neither of the above. Guess what do you think there? I think it was all just absolute dog shit. No, I think that's a bit of fun. Is that fun? In general, that's fun. That's fun.

He put it together in a fun way? Yes. Don't know what the not white Anglo-Saxon or Protestant references to the. It's probably from something. He talked about wasps and the acronym for white Anglo-Saxon Protestant is waltz. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Dave. People would have been yelling at all.

iPod's there. I'm so glad you saved me there. People often shorten that to WOSP. Wasp. Right. But he's a Nwasp. Nwasp. Nwasp. Thank you so much, Saraj. The next one comes from Izzarchio. Another first timer here. Sarkio is given the title,

themselves the title of Executive Director of Stamp Licking for the Christmas card mailouts. A very important job. Yeah, tough one. Don't know if you want that job, to be honest. You'll have a very dry tongue by the end of, it. If I was you, I would try to make a game of it. See how many you can do in the first hour and then see if in the next hour you can beat it. Can I go now? So, Azakio's asked a question, what are each of you handy with that family members ask you specifically for help with?

Zarkio's given an answer here, but firstly, do you two have anything for this? Oh, a few times for family and friends for my sister and my dad have run trivia nights for their sort of staff for where they worked. That makes sense. Some of you have the go-to quiz going. I'm not very practical and they're not like, come around and build something. They're like, hey, can you ask my staff some questions?

Yeah, that's funny. That's a good one. I'm doing a running a trivia thing just after this day. But I think I have a similar thing like my brother-in-law is a builder. and he's like, you know, family, if you ever need any help with anything, let me know. And I'm like, yeah, but what do you get in return? I've got nothing to give you. Yeah.

He's like, you give us laughter. I'm like, but you, like, you'll come and see my shows and will pay for tickets. I'm like, at least let me put you on the door. Yeah, that's right. Stop being so supportive and also helping me out with other stuff. It's ridiculous. Same with my brother who's a plumber. Like, yeah, I've got so many people in my family.

who are useful. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely the last ones to board that plane to Mars, I think we are. Like on the Simpsons where they're in the shelter for a meteor coming to them and they've got to work out who go to the future. Krusty's like, well, we'll need laughter, so that's me. He puts himself down first.

Whoever's in control of the list. That's the most powerful position there. Well, I've got the pencil, so number one, Dave, okay. How about you? Bob, do you have one? Your family come to you for? Yeah, help with their phones. That's always me. Just because I'm the youngest.

You're young, you're hip, cool. Yeah, I'm obviously quite a lot younger than my parents, and I'm seven years younger than my brother, so I'm the youngest. You're younger than your parents, unlike Mark and Anthony in our story too. Michael Anthony, of course, Dave, bass player for Van Halen. Oh, there you can. There was one time my brother and my dad were trying to do a, they were doing some, a load of washing and they were putting something in the dryer

and they couldn't get the dryer going and they were like, you know, they're the ones who can do everything in their heads. But they, especially around the house, they can fix everything. And when something goes wrong, they can fix it. And they couldn't get the dryer going. And I was a teenager and I walked in and it was, the dryer was broken, but they didn't know that because they never did. did washing. And you had to sort of get the barrel of the dryer moving first. So you had to

like put your hand in, push it to get it going, slam the door shut and then it would start. So then they're like fighting over stuff trying to get it working and little teenage Jess walks in, flicks it, slams the door, the dryer starts going and I just walked out all casual and they both went, that was very cool. You dropped a match behind you. And all I really did was put the dryer on, which I feel like, I'm sad that that's the thing I did that was helpful. I feel like that, you know. I love that as like, yeah, I'm really good at with technology, help my parents. So they're not real tech heads.

So I help them like get the dryer working. Exactly. You know, pretty technological stuff. Pretty helpful. You got to manually start the dryer. But yeah, otherwise I'm useless. And they know that. I'll occasionally get questions about kinds of beer.

Okay. You want to tip for a nice kind of beer. Is that anything? Yeah, that's helpful, I guess, yeah. Yeah, pretty, like I say, last on the plane to Mars. Hey, we need beer in the future. That's true. Azakio answered the question saying,

I'm the go-to person in my family for tech troubleshooting. Yeah, pretty boring. Maybe you're always able to recommend cool. restaurants that no one else knows about or master of filling outformed and weaving through bureaucratic nightmares. My dad was always good with that stuff, bureaucratic stuff. He seemed to enjoy that almost when I would be pulling my hair out as like an 18 year old having to start doing tax. Yeah. But whenever, however old I was. And he just, he'd whipped through it. I think he might have

taught accounting at one point or something. So my dad with a spreadsheet. Oh my God. And a budget. Oh, my God. If you need help with a cash flow, John Perkins. I think our dads might be pretty similar. Yeah. Thanks so much for that question, is Archaeo. And finally, from Roy Phillips, who Roy's given himself the title of the Sheik Seek with 66-6 sheep.

Oh, I think you tripped me up there, Roy, well done, which I assume was your goal. Roy is offered a fact. The fact is, there is a Starbucks inside the CIA building. However, the baristas are not allowed to write down the name. names of the agents anymore. Whoa. So how do they know whose coffee is who? This coffee is for the guy in the...

In the suit? The suit. The guy with the aviators in the suit. Am I picturing the right kind of offices? So maybe you just like get a number or something. Yeah. Yeah, right. That's interesting.

That's really cool. That's a good fact. That's cool. That's a good fact. All right. The other thing we like to do is thank a few of our long-term supporters. Jess normally comes up with a little game here. you normally say something based on the report and we give everyone a little thing.

Yeah, that is true. That is normally what happens, yes. I'm struggling a little bit. Do you guys have an idea? What about instead of a canoe, how did they escape? Yeah, that's good. What's their mode of transport? Brilliant.

We had a canoe man. Who do we have here? Do you want me to kick it off? Yeah, go on. All right, Jess. I think I could feel you were feeling inspired. So you give us the first one, all right? Well, hang on.

I want to clarify it. is it like, so is it a mode of transport like canoe man or is it like how they faked their death? I think, I mean, obviously it's pretty tight. The rules we use for this part of the show. So it's important. Just go for it. Just see what my heart says. I think we just go for it.

See what happens and let's just feel it out. All right. So if I could kick it off from Ride in New South Wales in Australia, it's Riannon Neal. Riannon Neal faked her own death by. riding a ride-on mower off a cliff. But what witnesses did not see because she had a parachute on landed on top of a jet ski round the port

to a boat to freedom. That is the coolest. It was very cool. Rian, that is badass. It was bad ass. Also, people were talking about after your death like, gosh, she was so nice. She was always mowing that cliff.

No one else wanted to do that. No one wanted to mow the cliff because it was very dangerous. And I thought it was weird that she left her glasses back at the farm. I'd also love to thank from Cincinnati in the great state, God's country, Ohio, United States. Liz Shockey. All right, Liz Shockeyed. What about?

Segwayed into a volcano. I, yes. But was saved by a hidden bungee cord. Yes. And the volcano was an elaborate fake as well. Paper mashet, one of those like science-class ones. I was going to say, it was mostly bicarb soda and some food diet and stuff. Throw in the mentos.

And finally for me, I'd love to thank from Corden Hills in Victoria, Australia. It's Emma and Matt. Emma and Matt. Emma and Matt together, what about a bike with a side cart? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's great. Oh, that's it. That's how they faked their death.

Bicycle with a side cart, and they just ride it off St. Kilda Pier. And keep riding. It actually floats. And then once under the water, the penguins take them to Phillip Island to start a new life. People were like, they clearly wanted to win the Birdman rally. And they died doing what they loved. These are all international. references everybody understands.

From Croydon Hills, they'll get it home. Thanks, man. Birdman rally, that's an international thing, I think. It's a beautiful thing. Beautiful thing. Culture. Culture. Would you like me to thank a few people now?

Go for it. From Liverpool now. I'd love to thank Jay Johnson. Jay Johnson. He floats off into the sunset on an inflatable beetle. I think it's Ringo. An inflatable wringo. An inflatable wringo, but Ringo gets a puncture and he goes under the sea into a yellow submarine.

Oh, wow. And makes his getaway. Very nice. That's beautiful. Oh, if they're yellow, they're beautiful. Yeah. Yeah, I don't mind yellow submarines, but other submarines, dumb. I would like to thank now from Mitchum here in Victoria, Dan Marshall.

Dan Marshall. Dan Marshall. What about he? tobogoned into a tunnel. Yeah. And then only the toboggan came out the other side. But they couldn't be bothered looking for him. So he just waited until everybody left and they just came out.

He was like, this was tragically so much easier than I thought it would be. Turns out it was very simple. Oh, I guess that's easy. I need Dan Marshall. You toboggan straight into my heart, mate. Straight to my heart. I would love to thank also from Colorado. Springs in Colorado, would you believe?

Peter Dodson. Peter Dodson. Actually, dodged a bullet by faking his death. Oh. By riding a dodgerum car. But he dodged a bullet in a dodgerum car. That's amazing. Yeah.

And then he somehow dodged our eyes and we didn't see where he went. Yes, exactly. And then I was like, where'd that Dodger car go? No one knows. No one knows. I'm sorry, Peter. I'm your Dodsy. Can I thank some people?

Please. Well, from Destination Unknown and surname Unknown, I would love to thank Jonah. Jonah Mole Man. Jonah Mole Man. Even in the fortress. How would Jonah have faked his death? Jonah faked his own death.

By, he did it exactly the same as Krusty the clown did, Dave. Can you refresh my memory there? When he went on the plane, I'm on a roll of gay and then crushed it into a mountain. But then what he really did was secretly, he jumped out onto a mattress that he placed, but he missed the mattress and went slam into the wall. and fell onto the mattress.

And then Chief Wiggum said, hey, nothing to see here, nothing to see here. Oh, my God, a horrible plane crash. Go around, go around. Don't be telling you. Plenty around. Go around. Chief Wiggum, he's honestly terrible at his job. He's so bad.

Has anybody ever noticed that? He's really bad at his job. Now you pointed out, actually. You're right. How did he get to be the chief? He's a shocker. Anyway. I would also love to thank from Bassingstoke,

probably just said that wrong, in Hampshire, Great Britain, John. Ooh, cutelier. Oh, I love it. Fantastic. Coutillier. John, another John. Oh, my goodness. What about John ran so fast on a treadmill.

People thought they couldn't see him. but really, it just disappeared. And it took the gym six hours to notice. They're like, oh, John, he's the Flash. He's so quick that guy. We always calling the Flash around here. He was running so fast on treadmill that they couldn't see him

and nobody thought that was odd. That's what they thought because he's so quick. But really, they got to the treadmill and found, hang on. He's not he. There's no one on this treadmill at all. Dave, that's wild. And in the meantime, he'd started a new life in Panama. Panama.

Panama. Panama. Some sort of ghost treadmill. Spokey. Oh, play the ghost card. That's wild. So wild. John.

John the Flash coochily air. John, that's insane. Finally, I would love to thank from Cheney in Washington. Nicholas Sparks, I can only imagine, is the author. That would be cool. So thank you, Nicholas Sparks. He blew himself up. Oh, yep.

Yep. But like just a big, like, 4th of July sort of bonfire full of, I don't really know what they do for 4th of July, but big bonfire full of firecrackers and whatnot. And he goes, all right, I'm just going in here to light. I'll run straight back out. What he does is light to slow fuse in there and runs out a back door that no one could see,

into the woods never to be seen again and then it all explodes and they think it was a real downer for that 4th of July celebration for those who were there to celebrate but it did mean there were a lot of witnesses and he got away with it yeah honestly a lot of these people you forget they've bummed out a lot of people by faking their own death but they did it in such amazing ways it's kind of cool yeah and I should say they all tell their kids yeah that's all right then Rule number one, tell you kids. Tell you kids. All right, and that leaves us just with the last thing to do,

which is to induct two people this week into the Tripitch Club. Oh, two exclusive. So to be involved in the Triptage Club, you're just got to sign up and keep supporting us on the shoutout level or above the three years straight. Once you're in, you're always in. You're in the Triptage Club. Welcome aboard.

It's a beautiful place. I'll read out your name. Dave will welcome you in while hopping you up with some sort of loose wordplay on your name. Canoos this. Or location. Jess will give him a little tickle because Dave needs to feel good too. I'll give him a tickle? Little tickle, little metaphorical tickle.

Oh, okay. I'd have to touch him. I don't have to tell him. Please don't. Gloves on if you do. And Dave's only booked a band. You've booked a band for this week, Dave? Oh, yes.

Yeah, hold on. Just checking the contract, making sure it goes through. I don't want to... Do you forget that we do this every week? There is one band we kept mentioning today. I don't know if it probably won't be there. It nearly never is. Panama.

Yeah, it never is. Sadly, we couldn't get Panama singers, but we could get... Panama Singers. We could remember the name. We could get Liv and G, a pop rock singer-songwriter from Hartlepool, baby.

Oh, great. Looking forward to hearing that. Put a word in an ass to play Panama. You mentioned one a couple of weeks ago, Dave. You said Chimp, dead chimp or something. and I was listening to they've got an album out this year and it's good stuff.

I love it. I'm into it. Jess, you normally come up with a cocktail for inductees, anything this week? Yes. Everything is served in a canoe. Oh, yeah. Big drinks.

Big drinks. You think fishbowl cocktails are big. Check these. And then after I'd already ordered a shit ton of canoe, someone was like, why don't we just make like little mini canoes or like fashion food into canoes? Like, you know?

And I was like, well, that would have been a great idea to flag with me before I'd paid for, honestly, a metric shit ton of canoes. So they are full-sized canoes. But after you've finished your drink from them, if you do live through that, then you have a canoe. To fake your own death with, if you want. If you want, or just to enjoy. Yeah, that's an option as well. Some people also do that. Enjoy going on a canoe.

Whatever. But more often people use them to fake their own thing. Yeah. So see, it is a gift from me if you do live through that gigantic alcoholic beverage. If you're smart, you'll get a non-alcoholic beverage in it. All right. Are you ready, Dave? I'm ready.

Two. It's two here. So you're no time to warm up. You're just got to get straight into it. Come on, Dave. All right, here we go. Firstly, from Fraser in the Australian Capital Territory. It's Emily Mills.

Guys, you know, tonight is about three things. Thrill, spills and Emily. Mills. Yes. And finally from Lexington in Kentucky, which I think is a cocaine bear related. It's Perry Ritter. All Perry Ritter, never bidder, never fitter. He is Perry Ritter. Thank you so much. Good night. David. That were your best yet. Yeah. Thank you. I think I was inspired by the Daily Mirror and their articles and their headlines. Yeah. Welcome in Perry and Emily. I think Lexington, Kentucky was

mentioned in the Cocaine Bear episode and maybe even in the Transi Hise episode as well. Yeah, it brings a bell. All right. Well, that brings us to the end of the episode. Thanks so much for everyone for joining us. If you want to find us, you can find us online at Do Go On Pod on the social medias or do go onpod.com or do go on pod. Our email address is Do GoonPod at gmail.com.

If you want to support us, that's fantastic. If not, if you can't, maybe tell a friend. Share us around. Let's help get the word out there. That's the other way to keep this podcast ticking along. It's way less fun to do if no one's listening. Dave, if you want to boot this baby home. Hey, all the things he said one more time, do go on pod.com for clickable links for all that stuff.

But until next week, I'll say thank you so much. And goodbye. Later's. Bye. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there. Wherever we go, we always hear six months later, oh, you should come to Manchester. We were just in Manchester. But this way you'll never, will never miss out.

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