Do Go On - 322 - The Santa Claus Bank Robbery

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

The truly festive tale of the time a guy named Marshall Ratliff decided to rob a bank whilst dressed as Santa Claus. Things didn't go so well and it sparked the biggest manhunt in the history of Texas! Recorded live at Comedy Republic in Melbourne.Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: dogoonpod.com or patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/Submit-a-Topic Stream our 300th episode with extra quiz (and 16 other episodes with bonus content): https://sospresents.com/authors/dogoonTwitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader Thomas REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World%27s_littlest_skyscraperhttps://thetexan.news/the-santa-who-tried-to-steal-christmas-a-story-of-a-failed-texas-bank-robbery/http://www.executedtoday.com/2008/11/19/1928-marshall-ratliff-santa-claus-bank-robbery/https://archive.org/details/StartlingDetectiveMar1930/page/n15/mode/2up?view=theaterhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_Claus_Bank_Robberyhttps://www.tshaonline.org/handbook/entries/santa-claus-bank-robberyhttps://www.mentalfloss.com/article/609749/santa-claus-bank-robbery-1927 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amana, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there.

Canada, we are visiting you in September this year. If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. You there, boy. What?

Me? Yes, you. What about me? Uh, yeah, sure. You too, little girl. Gross. Uh, anyway, in the spirit of Christmas, I'm here to grant you three wishes.

Oh, yes, awesome. I have absolutely zero follow-up questions. Okay, what is your first wish? A truckload of beans. Done. Yes! A truckload of coffee beans Fuck!

I'm not a slave to the coffee bean What is your next wish? Okay Dave, let's be very careful Okay, not to waste this one. Agreed. Right, well, what do you wish for? I'm thinking, world... Pies.

What the fuck me? I thought I could just give everyone a pie. Granted, you now have world peace. Oh, come on! Now this guy's just deliberately mishearing me. Your final wish? Okay, okay, Dave, Dave. Shut up.

Okay. Yes, Dave, shut up. All right, I'm shutting up. I would love to do a live DoGo on Christmas podcast at Comedy Republic. It's all I've ever wanted. Your wish is granted. Hey, I think it actually went well this time.

Sadly, the audience is a little flat. Fuck! Well, what have I said? Please welcome to the stage. It's Matt Jess and Dave from Doogon. To the annual Doogon Christmas special My name is Dave Warnocky and I'm here with my glasses. Thank you so so much.

You'll need that to see. And I'm also here with Jess and Matt. Yeah. Hello. Thank you. Thank you so much for coming out, you absolute legends. And risking your safety and that of your family. The people you hold dearest.

This is the real Christmas. Fuck the weekend. None of us will be there, but who cares? Sorry, Grandma. Yeah, fuck you, Nana. Yeah. She's dead So she

Well I mean she can't be offended Yeah you can't be offended She's dead He wasn't gonna see her anyway We've gone too far early Um We're a little excited Any Nana's in tonight

We're like a little too excited We'll calm down Dave as the parent here Thank you Can you settle everything down a little bit please I mean I'm on the water's anything that happened tonight Except dehydration Okay

I'm feeling good So it is our annual I think this might be the seventh annual Christmas episode Every time you say that You say I think and it's like you could have checked by now Yeah 2015 2016

2017 2018 2019 2019 2019 20 Where does it go from there Is that 20100?

No I've actually not But yeah, seven-ish, seven-ish. Does anyone, has anyone not heard the show before? Should we explain it to anyone? Yes, no, you? That's okay, no shame. Great, no shame.

There's a little woo over here, though. Pick on there, yeah, great. Other end of the scale. Who has heard the show? Yeah. Interesting. It is good to ask in that order, actually. Yeah, yeah.

It feels better. Yeah, rather than, yeah, and then, I don't know who you are. You're like, all right. So, Matt, for those who don't know what this show is, Why'd you explain it in a succinct way? Seems like a mistake to ask me, but I would say one of the three of us goes away on research as a topic and then brings that research back and lets the other two know about it.

They don't know anything about it beforehand. I don't know what the topic is and they get onto that topic with a question. And I think Dave's going to ask us a question now. And then the other two, me and Jess in this case, are going to listen politely. Yeah. To the question. To the question. To the question.

Yeah. And then from then on we will fuck you up in Christmas spirit. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. All right. My question to you is, if you were to rob a bank, what would be the most festive disguise you could wear? Elf, Santa Claus, Mrs Claus,

reindeer, slaying. All of these. All of them. Snowmen. Gingerbread house. Yeah, they're describing, the witnesses describing them, they were huge. They were wearing 30 disguise.

They kept pulling them off and I was like, who are you? Did I get any of those? One of them was right, Matt. Santa. It is Santa. Well done, Matt. Thank you so much. You don't get to answer until Dave addresses you directly, so... I think that's a new rule, but I like it.

The answer is the Santa Claus suit. This is the Santa Claus Bank Robbery. And been suggested by one person, thank you to. Kelly Clark from Perth. tonight? They haven't left in a long time. This one was

voted for by the Patreon supporters. You're never going to believe it. It won in a landslide. Right, okay. With apologies to Mr. Bing Crosby. No one gave a shit about Bing. He's from beyond the grave. I used to be the biggest Christmas artist. No one cares, Bing. Have you ever robbed a bank, Bing?

I don't know. I didn't know. look into him. No need. No need. Nobody voted for him. Now I'm not sure about you, but when I think of Christmas, I think of Texas. Yes.

So let me take you to the central Texas town of Cisco, which in the 1920s claimed to be home to the largest... Song-song. Oh. I can only imagine that it's a tribute. Claimed to be home to the largest thong song. I hadn't said anything for a minute. I thought if I'm like,

if I don't jump back in here soon, I'm going for the episode. Matt's just on the side going. Let me in. Let me in. Let me in. But I'm on delay. Cisco, Matt was home to, in the 1920s,

claimed, anyway, to be home to the largest concrete swimming pool in the world. What a claim. How are you supposed to swim in concrete? I think there's probably a... Wet, wet. That one really, that rumbles. Like, you got it over here first.

It wasn't good. I'm assuming Jezza was wet concrete. Oh, yeah. Silly me. There was also a skating rink, a zoo, and an amusement park around the pool. What? Well, near the pool, it was a complex.

It was a heaven on earth, you know? But sadly, to quote from one, I can only assume, it's some sort of website devoted to Texas tourism that I found. I think it's pronounced wikipedia.org. I haven't heard of it, but it sounds great. It said, the pool closed in the 1916.

70s and the vacant skating rink burnt down a few years later. That's so true. Dave, we're here for Christmas. Stop bringing us down. Get festive. Hey, it burnt down on the 25th of December. Oh, that's beautiful. Is that true? That's not true. Let's let him happen.

That's like a little boy's Christmas wish. Santa, I would like to burn down the world's largest concrete spring pool. Done. In the 1927,000 people resided in Cisco in Texas So I presume they could all fit in the pool And in this town and across Texas There was one problem plaguing the good people And that was bank robberies

There's seven thousand people And they are plagued by bank robberies One in four of them are bank robbers They've also got the largest pool in the world For such a small population We've got more people than that in tonight. Yeah. Who wants to go for a swim?

During this period, three or four Texas banks were being robbed every day. What? Amazing. So, and I ask you, how do you stop violence? The answer is, of course, more violence. Yes. Say it with me now.

In response, the Texas bankers... You asked them to when you moved on. It was really strange. That was a dick move on your car. Say it with me now. Say it with me now. In 1922. What a dog.

Hey, I appreciate you coming. You'll never come with me again. No one's ever come with Dave. No one's come with you or near you. You are a virgin. No one's come because of you. We certainly do this privately in our group chat, but it's built out now.

That's right. For a while we're only doing in the bonus episodes. Now it's... We'll do it in public. Not that Dave wouldn't. Wouldn't do it in prize either. It is Christmas and is my tribute to the Virgin Mary. So they've got three or four bank robberies a day.

In response, the Texas Bankers Association offered a $5,000 reward to anyone who shot a bank robber during the crime. Which is like it's 78,000. US dollars today. If you shoot a bank robber, the bank will say, thank you so much. Is it more if they're dead? Well, that is a technicality. You did have to kill them.

They are worth nothing alone. So if you maim someone? Yeah, they're like, who cares? Yeah, whoopty freaking dude? Whatever. One of Cisco's most seasoned bank robbers was 24-year-old

Marshall Ratliff. Along with his, someone to say, It's not a nice name, is it? I will not be saying it about 40 or 50 more times. Along with his brother Lee Ratliff, you pause, maybe it's Marshall you've got a problem with, okay. Marshall had robbed a bank with his brother in nearby Valera. They would have gotten away with it too

if they hadn't thrown the cash around and drunkenly boasted about their crime. Okay, yeah. Sadly, they were arrested by Cisco Chief of Police, G.E. Bit Bedford. Nicknamed was Bit. Bit. Honestly, it could always go one of two ways.

I hate it. Okay. They were given long sentences but were soon pardoned in 1927 by Texas Governor Miriam Mahergson. No? No? Not a good hit rate tonight. I don't know. Miriam Ma. Mar.

Everyone calls her Ma. Yeah, Mar Ferguson. No, right? No, thank you. Okay, we're all with that, right? unless your nickname's Ma in which case just feels a bit patronising

you know what I mean well Ma pardoned the brothers and she also issued 4,000 pardons during her 10 years so she was just letting me wouldn't she have marredened

you regret it before you said it it was another solid break there that I had and look honestly I'm going to stop following my instincts yeah one day I will Not today, but So they got pardoned

and with their second chance at life they decided to rob their local Cisco bank. Good, good, good, good, good. Marshall planned to rob the bank with his brother Lee, but Lee was arrested for robbing a different bank so Marshall had to look elsewhere for a bit of backup.

So he put the call out, presumably add in the local paper, and recruited fellow ex-convicts Henry Helms who's 31, and Robert Hill, just 21. Okay. Marshall also wanted to have a safe cracker on the squad to help gain access to the bank vault but the first pick fell ill so Marshall decided to do the job himself.

Good. But he needed a fourth man to fill his brother's role. A relative of Henry Helms, a guy called Louis Davis was a young 22-year-old father who, unlike the others, didn't have a criminal record but he really needed the money and he agreed to join the mission but only if there was no gunfire. Sadly, his Christmas wish would not be granted. Well, it's funny. I mean, they can only promise no gunfire from one side. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. There's a reward out there for you to be shot.

That is absolutely wise. Oh, yeah, sorry, must be killed. Yeah, and killed. Of course. Shot. Why waste your time. It's got to be a head shot. I want to see a brain splattering or I'm not paying up. That's just how it wasn't Texas in the year that we're talking about. A lot of fine print.

Yeah. Marshall Ratliff and his trio of cronies plotted the robbery in Wichita Falls before stealing a car and driving to Cisco. And just a side note, move over largest concrete pool in the world because Wichita Falls in Texas is home to the world's littlest skyscraper. How good is that? Built in 1919, it was the result of a fraudulent investment scheme by a confidence man, J.D. McMahon.

McMahon collected $200,000 US dollars, which is equivalent to three months. million today in investment capital from a group of naive investors promising to construct a high-rise office building. The key to McMahon Swindle and his successful defence in the ensuing lawsuit was that the legal documents listed the height as 480 inches as opposed to 480 feet. The investors didn't seem to notice and McMahon never verbally stated that the actual height of the building would be 480 feet or 150 metres tall. I don't say that. Instead, it was was only 12 meters tall.

And inside it was so small that when they put the staircase in, the stairs took up 25% of every room. But they put stairs in. By the time people realized McMarted fled town with their money, and when they tried to sue, they couldn't because they'd signed the 480 inch plans.

I mean, it's terrible, but it's a long time ago, so it's very good. It was a great source of embarrassment. to the city and its residence when it was completed. During the 1920s the new Big Mac Man building, as it's actually called, was featured in Robert Ripley's Believe it or not, Column

as the world's littlest skyscraper and that's a nickname that has stuck ever since. People have tried to petition to demolish it because they're so embarrassed by it. But for over a hundred years it survived tornadoes, a fire and decades of neglect. And I'm putting it on the first stop

on our US tour. Big time. World's littlest skyscraper. I'm going to get in it. So how many gone I'm getting in that thing. I'm going to climb the stairs. Was that on the same episode of Ripley's believe it or not with your smallest

list of people someone's had sex with? Which I think that is now going to be in there with the world's longest lead up to a bad joke. Mine's just really ticking along to know.

Anyway, back to the the main story. They're in Wichita Falls and I didn't think they visited the little skyscrow for which is disappointing. But they want to rob a Cisco bank because Marshall was a well-known Cisco locally felt he was likely to be recognized. Because there's 7,000 people there.

They all know him. He's the bankrupt. There's like a photo of him on the door saying do not let this man in. But the others would be fine because they're not from around. But he needed a disguise and because it was December 20, he thought the best way to obscure his features was to wear a Santa suit

that he borrowed from Mrs. Midge Telet. I love Midge, who ran the boarding house where they'd been staying. She had hands sewn the suit for her husband to wear on Christmas. It was a full suit, a hat and a beard. Oh, Midge! Sorry, Midge.

There'd be no Christmas this year. In his defence, I'm guessing he thought he'd borrow it and then return it later before she even noticed. Okay, so that doesn't happen. I hate to report that her husband was never going to wear that suit again. She made it too small. So now Marshall is wearing his amazing disguise,

which is the stolen Santa suit. Okay. What could possibly go wrong? The other three are in the stolen car who were dressed normally. They let Marshall out in his Santa suit a few blocks from the bank, and he walked the rest of the way. but of course this attracted the local children

who started to follow Santa to the family apparently he stopped to chat with eager children answering their questions and patting them on their head Oh that's nice He's not ruining any children He's just got like a massive gun tucked on Christmas

Which I must say does remind me The time 11 years ago when I was dressed as Santa He used to do Santa Christmas parties Can you believe that? I wore a fat suit but the arms and the legs weren't padded so it looked very strange. And one time in the city here in Melbourne, my car broke down in between parties

and I had to flag down a taxi dressed as Santa, but that doesn't work because they all just wave back. They're just like, oh, he's spreading Christmas cheer. Look at that tiny little Santa. Stop the fucking car, you dog. Santa's swearing at us.

Anyway, so the kids, they're flocking to Marshall. who is probably thinking, fuck off, I've got a robber bank. But he's being nice. And I can't tell you why he got out and walked because he ended up meeting his robbery colleagues in the alleyway at the back of the bank. So he probably could have to stay in the car.

Then, dressed as Santa, he led the way into the bank. Inside, there were 16 people, including bank tellers and customers. And when Marshall walked in, Alex Spears, the bank manager, said, Hello, Santa. But Santa.

didn't respond. Can you imagine me the bank manager and you're like, fuck. Does Santa have a bank account here? I don't know.

He does. What the hell is he doing? We don't have any of Santa's money. He's here to get your money out. Just panicking? Because he knows all the people, all the customers.

He knows everyone. He knows everyone. That's why he's a very good bank manager. And he's going, he goes, hello Santa. And he doesn't respond. He says it again.

And then he doesn't respond again. And then one of it Santa's colleagues, the robbers behind him yells, stick them up everybody. And at first everyone thought it was a joke, but then they saw the three armed men behind Santa that they'd previously not noticed. Okay. Oh no.

We're being robbed. The men quickly got into position, and this is a quote from a 1930 edition of the startling detective magazine. One bandit, stood guard just outside the door. another sorry it's inside the door

that's important another cover the customers and bank manager spears whilst the third one stepped up to the teller's window where a businessman was making a big deposit sorry it's a sperm bank

it was a very big deposit oh do you know I mean he's had to I imagine it every now and then he's had to get rid of a large deposit but he was the only one there that sounds like I went to a sperm bank after hours

and went while I'm here may as well and to just finish the quote the guy's making a big deposit but then the the bank robber said to the teller stick them up big boy I mean it

which I love stick them up big boy gross meanwhile a woman on the street misses B.P. Blasson game. Blasson game. What do you think of that? Love that.

Finally, we've got one. Blasson game. She was walking with a six-year-old daughter, Frances who saw Santa... Francis Blassengame? Yes, Francis Blassengame. And Francis Blassengame saw Santa enter the bank, and she asked

her mum to follow him inside, and they did. Let's go see Santa. All right. I've got to see this deposit. Says Mrs. Blassengame. Mrs. Blassengame So they've walked in. Upon realizing the bank was being robbed, she grabbed Little Francis and ushered her into the

bookkeeping room next door and unlocked a side door that opened into an alleyway. One of the bandits shouted, Stop or I'll shoot. But despite this threat, Blasson Game unhooked the door, told the little girl to hurry and they dashed out onto the street. She heard a shot that ran out

near her, but she just kept running and they went to the police station across the road. bursting into the headquarters with the news that the bank was being robbed and you'll never guess who was on duty. Who? G.E. Bit Bedford. Bit Bedford. I'm coming around to it.

Chief of police that had previously put Marshall away for robbery. Bit Bedford. So now the cops are very much aware that the bank is being robbed by Santa. And they are across the road from the bank. Yes. Okay. It feels like a good spot actually. And a shot had already rung out.

And I was still like, hmm, wonder what that was. It doesn't matter. Anyway, back to the post. paperwork. Yeah. I mean by that I mean the bloody crossword. Pigs, you know. Any pigs in the night.

Nope, her word not mine. Okay, ACAB then. All Christmases are banging. All right. They're back on. Everything's Christmas. Everything's Christmas. Marshall still dressed as Santa, soldiered on with the robbery,

and pushed through a swinging door past the cashier's desk, then went to the cashier's desk. to the cashier's cage, opened up a drawer under the counter, and removed a pistol from that location. So there's a gun in the bank, but he's stuffed it into his Santa suit. Sure. He then ordered the assistant cashier to open

the safe, pulled out a sack, and started stuffing it with cash, bonds, and checks. All up, he grabbed $12,000 in cash, and $150,000 in bonds and checks, which is over $2 million in today's money. There's 7,000 people. I guess that's not that much money.

spread it across 7,000 people, you know. I'm not doing the fucking maths. I'm not a nerd. What's that about 300 bucks each? Not a bad little Christmas hall. Whilst he was filling his Santa's sack, a crowd of armed locals and police officers had time to gather outside the bank.

Armed local... That's Texas. Yeah. Remember, there's money on the table if you shoot a bank robber. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Your family will be eating. You'd just hang out around the bank, wouldn't you? Yeah.

There's a lot of armed men. Just like, but like looking inconspicuous, you know? You're being robbed in there? No? Tying their shoe for four hours. Waiting for something suspicious to happen. Inside a 21-year-old banker, bank robber. Hill was started when he saw someone outside the window

and he fired a shot through it and then a shot was returned. Was it? It would be very funny if it was just his reflection. What's that? Like a dog getting stuck up. And they keep shooting because it's shooting back out of him. Mirrors don't reflect bullets, Dave. Like that...

All right. Wait, do they? The mirrors... Yeah. Yeah. Have you been shooting at mirrors again? Matt, stop. So now three shots had rung out.

Louis Davis, the robber who'd asked for no gunfire, was already disappointed and it was only going to get a lot worse. Hill fired several more shots into the ceiling to show that they were armed, even though he'd already shot through the window. Nothing shows your arm more than ruining a beautiful corner. A beautiful Art Deco ceiling, oh, what a waste. One of the other robbers, Helms began shooting up and down the alley. He had a pistol in each hand and would kick the screen open,

They'd buy our first one way And then the other They've got really distracted here Yeah They were there to take the money Now they're just shooting it everything And they have got the money don't they They've got the money

So why aren't they leaving? Because it's pretty badass To shoot one way And then shoot the other And then close the screen door That is pretty bad ass Yeah that's bad ass Are they back to back

Or front to front Shoot That's nice But it's just one guy Trying to do all the wrongs Oh yeah okay It's actually quite sad Yeah.

The sound of the gunfire attracted the attention of more armed locals who also flocked to the bank. Remember, there's a $5,000 award of his shoot a bank robber, which is, and I did say before, that's $75,000 today, which is, and it was specifically called

the Dead Robber Award. It's an award. But did you know that you get a medal and stuff? Yeah, that's sick. A little plaque? Yeah. That's nice. I'm interested now.

Yeah, you love awards. Before I'm like, I don't, boy, I wouldn't kill a man. That's because you hate rewards, but you love awards. I love awards, yeah. Oh, yeah. You get a trophy, it'd be fantastic. Yeah.

I should say men or woman. I know women can bankrupt as well. I want to make that very clear. Very much an equal opportunist when it comes to these things. As a feminist of the podcast, I will. Thank you for women here today. Can Rob Banks in 1920s, Texas? And should.

If you're listening right now, pick up a weapon get down to your local bank I'm talking to the women now lean in and listen to what I'm saying ladies ladies pick up a weapon

if you're in America I'm joking okay this is um I forget that this does go outside yeah so no just a little joke there please don't I would feel pretty bad if the women of America on release of this episode

There was a spree all of a sudden. Yeah. It'd feel pretty powerful. I'd feel awful. Yeah. Awfully powerful. Yeah. Dave, do go on.

More gunfire returned from outside, and despite the bank being full of hostages, a full firefight broke out. Good. Good, good, good. It's estimated up to 100 armed people had turned up, and there's reports of shotguns being passed out by a local hardware store.

Here you go. Oh, I forgot my gun. Don't worry, Matt. I've got you covered. That's fucked. The Texas State Historical Association reports that the robbers then forced all of the people in the bank out the door and towards their car. Several of these hostages were wounded

as they emerged into the alley, including Alex Spears, the bank manager. So within a few minutes, he's gone from Hello Santa to being shot in the leg. Oh my God. There was a shootout as the robbers made their way to their car and both Chief Bit Bedford and Deputy George Carmichael were mortally wounded.

They died a few days later. Bedford had been shot five times. It really felt like you were building up Bit Bedford as the hero. He died straight away. I was going to say it's like that movie but that would really ruin the movie I'm thinking I'm so it won't.

You know the one. You know the one. The one where it was a ghost all along. Yeah. Beep Bedford. Yeah. The friendly ghost. So now they've murdered two high-ranking police officers.

So it's not looking good if they ever get caught. Can I just have it just a quick check-in? Are you feeling good about this Christmas end-of-year report? I've got to remind you all that he is still wearing a Santa suit. Honestly, I think this isn't the most Christmassy Christmas special we've done in about three years. Yeah, that's not wrong. Yeah. If on the recording underneath

you could just put some of those jingle bells Yeah, that should be fine then Yeah, yeah, yeah That's great Just keep the cheer going During the confusion Walk to the car Most of the customers and bank employees

Who'd been hostages escaped Okay Good news However, two young girls They're going to be fine Don't worry about them Laverne Coma and Emmy Mae Robertson Who were 10 and 12

were taken into the car as hostages Oh no again they're going to be fine I'm just starting to think these guys aren't that nice don't jump to any conclusion come on, come on, let me halfway through here all bank robbers

what has that end can't B bastards thank you so that's ABAB ABAB ABAB ABAB

Abe Dave Dave I know this one's going out on Wednesday but can you edit me out I'll just cut your mark yeah Ellie we don't need to record

Matt's mark I think you're just turn that one off I'll stay but no you're doing great don't you dare do that don't you dare do that don't you dare have a little beer you'll be right

if we if we do cut Matt's mic the people at home will still think I'm cool and that I've had sex so that's pretty good So that's, that's tempting. Dave, they will never think that.

The people will still think I'm cool and I've had sex. All right, Cobra. Thank you. Thank you. To the person who I wasn't seen the show before, Dave is trying to get a nickname off the ground calling himself Cobra. Yeah, thank you. That's the first time it's happened.

Yeah. It felt so good. That's so good. Again from the Startling Detective article from 1930. R.L. Day... I haven't found it at all startling. So they've just... For context, they've just rushed into the car.

Hostages in tow. R.L. Day, a restaurant owner, had arrived on the scene without a weapon. So he took a pump gun, like a shotgun from the hand of another citizen, marching steadily up the alleyway towards the banded machine. Fuck, that's cool. And aimed at squarely at Hill, who was at the steering wheel, and then Day asked, how do you work this darn thing anyhow?

The steering wheel? Oh, they're in trouble. Because the man with a shotgun had no idea how to fire it, so the car sped away before he could work it out. But he just took it off someone. He's like, I'll take it from here. Oh, no. I don't know how to use it.

He shot himself in the chest. All in all about 200 shots had been fired into the bank. Sorry. Imagine that paint job you have to do now. A lot of bank clubs in here. You're just saying into the bank. Oh, no, not that... Not the bank.

Not the beautiful bank. Was it one of the big four? Oh, no. How will they recover? Oh, no. Through fees? Oh, I hope they put interest rates up. You bank, bank.

So now on the run in the car, they took stock and realised that Marshall Ratliff, aka Santa, had been partially wounded. I say that he'd been hit in the leg and the jaw with a bullet, but he was still mobile. So in comparison to 22-year-old Louis Davis, he was fine because Louis had been hit severely and was in a very bad way. He was the guy who said no gun fights. Yeah, okay, yeah. And he hasn't been shooting still.

No, he hasn't been shooting, but people have been shooting into him. Was he clear? Because, I mean, if he wasn't clear, no shooting into me, then I think... You know, you got to read that fine, friends. You got to read that fine, but they've got to communicate. You've got to communicate. But they made it out of the bank, so things were looking up, until they realised that one of their tyres had been shot out.

And also, they were almost out of gas. I hope someone got fired for that, blunder. You've got to look after the basics, don't know. I know. some petrol to go down. Oh, that's a lot. Really, someone had just forgotten to fill it up after their 200-mile drive from Wichita Falls.

Okay. Whoops. There wasn't a BP along the way that also had like Amacca's. And also one of those Olivers and you're like, I'm not going to fucking Oliver's. Who goes to them? Oh, do I want a salad or don't want chippies?

Chippies. Oliver's is almost definitely a drug front, don't you reckon? I've never seen anyone go there. But they're still there. They're still there. Yeah, we know what's up all of us. If you go and you actually order to sell, they panic. They're like, um...

Oh, this is all cardboard. I could do some cocaine if you... It's a 15-year-old, just panicking. Take whatever you want. So the crims drove to the edge of town, knowing they were pursued by a town mob who were following on foot. What?

The mob was chasing after them but the car has no tire and no petrol So they might get it So they're like, all right we need a new car Still dressed as Santa Marshall approached the Harris family in their car And then pulled a gun on them The car for some reason was driven by a 14 year old boy

Don't love Texas during this time A boy named Woody Who gave up the car But in doing so grab the keys and then ran off with them he'd run clear by the time they realized so they had to pile back into the original car that was now running on fumes Woody.

He's like, yeah, take it, no worries, grab the keys. That is fucking badass. Woody. I like to think he did that accidentally and then people said, that was smart. He was like, yes. Yeah. He was chasing after them with the keys, you forgot these.

I'm so sorry. It's my first day driving. That actually took a bit of time to get out of one car, steal it then back into the original. So the mob had caught up and another firefight broke out. This time Hill was shot in the arm. So now three out of four of the robbers have been shot. Okay.

Louis Davis, who was severely wounded, the one that didn't want the firefight, and not getting any better, he was abandoned in Woody's car. And the three others were only narrowly able to drive away in the original getaway vehicle. Davis later died that evening Oh no That sucks Dave

You have ruined Christmas What a devilish grin that was You know it too You came in You meant to do this I thought it was accidental One time You did a live Christmas one

Where we had five Unsolved murders Of young women on Christmas Don't you give me that Don't you give me that? It really sucks that you have a memory. It really... Jess, you never would have been able to throw that at me.

No, God. You dog. I don't even know your name. The middle of it had a... It was about fruit cake. Yeah. There was a brief interlude from the... Brutal murders.

Yeah, that was bad. That was bad. It was really funny. It was so grim. It was funny. Yeah, well, now I understand that that's how you think. After today. Awful.

stuff from a bad person. Sorry, everyone was thinking, I just had to say it. So Davis has died, but he wasn't the only thing that they left in Woody's car. Thing? What is wrong with you? Oh, fuck off! He's a human being! After

driving off, they realised they'd also left Santa's sack full of money in the other... Whoops! So now there is no loot. Oh, good. And it was quickly returned to the bank. You'd love that, wouldn't you?

Give it back to Nab. What's your favourite bank? Let's go around the room. It's your favourite bank. Yeah, I don't like the big four. I like underground makes probably even a her of them. Is that why you got hacked and lost all your money? Is that a publicly known thing?

That was one of the big four. I left them. They were unhelpful. Yeah, that's fair. I had no money for Christmas that year. All right, he's fine. I got it back now, but... Honestly, I was wearing brown clothes with my pockets turned out.

And everything was sepia-toned. And I was looking through the window, and my name was Tony Tim. Yes. So they've lost the money, now they are just striving to not get arrested. and probably executed. Anyway, after driving a few miles, the car turned off the road, but soon encountered in penetrable bush.

They didn't have any fuel left anyway. There's some joke about you being a virgin there, but I don't even think I need a form, but I think everyone sort of just knows. Everyone went there, yeah. I just needed to verbalise it because everyone was going. Yeah.

Somebody said, some is it! That most of the things I say, that's what I'm thinking. I'm like, everyone's thinking this, I'll say it. And tonight there's been three or four where everyone's like, no one was thinking that. None of us were thinking it. We do not appreciate you saying it.

It was bad. So they leave their car because I hear, they've heard other cars pursuing them. And the three robbers told their two young hostages, the little girls to lie down the car and wait there. And then the robbers fled on foot. The girls were found physically unharmed. They're all good.

Just mentally scarred. Yes. Oh, they never recovered. No, never went to a bank again. And they're still alive age 118. I don't believe that. Wow. I know a girl might be interested named Ripley.

Is that his name? It was also at this point that Marshall... He's just having such a bad time. Mate, get festive. It's my Christmas gift. Is your hat so hot? Yeah. Mine is so hot.

I'm burning up. My head is cooked. But I look great. You look so good. Your sequins. Beautiful. We're wearing Santa hats. For the people not here.

That's why everyone's been looking at us so sussed tonight. What are they up to? For the people not here, I'm wearing a full Santa suit. And I have a gun in my pants. It's been loaded for 31 years. It's fun. It was also at this point that Marshall abandoned the Santa suit. Good call.

Sorry, everyone. Good call. It's hot. Christmas is over. But it's still Christmas time, I'm sure. For the next several days, including over Christmas Day, I'm really trying to bring it back here. The wounded fugitives made their way hiding throughout the thick bush in the region. Several hundred people searched for the fugitives, and it quickly became the largest manhunt ever seen in Texas.

Wow. It brought out a plane. and bloodhounds to aid in the search. It was big news. People really wanted to shoot these guys. Really wanted to shoot them. But with the hills, the canyons and the caves, there were a million places for the men to hide.

At one time, a member of the posse stood on top of a big rock under which helms and hill were crouched, but they were left unseen. Because they crouched. That's clever. Yeah. I was thinking before when they forgot to put in petrol

and they left the money behind that they were kind of a bit silly, but they're crouched. back thinking they're maybe masterminds it's all part of the plan yeah I'm looking forward to seeing how they bring it all together why I mean they're on the run now they must feel good about that with all the money they've stolen yeah so yeah they'd be able to just buy their freedom or whatever stay in a hotel easy yeah you'd be feeling pretty good yeah are they feeling good we know yeah they're shot

they're on the run yeah they've got no money yeah they lost their sand But they haven't lost their Christmas spirit. That's right. That's the one thing that kept him going. Two more men were wounded in the manhunt from accidentally discharging their own weapons. So, they accidentally shot themselves. The Outlaw Trio stole... That's funny. That is funny.

It's funny. Undeniably funny. The Outlaw Trio stole two more cars, including one driven by Carl Wiley, forcing him to drive and taking him hostage for him. taking him hostage for 24 hours. Wiley later recalled, the robbers had two or three shotguns, a rifle, many pistols, and a sack of ammunition. They also had two oranges, but did not offer me one.

Wiley! I can't believe these three robbers didn't offer me some of their two oranges. The biggest crime they committed. The biggest crime. It was being selfish. You've got to share your oranges. Despite the lack of oranges,

they forced Wiley to drive on. I also love this quote from the Texas Historical Association. They then let Wiley have his car back and stole another car. You can have it back now. So generous. By this time, though, the men especially martial Santa Claus Ratliff were not doing so well. They were wounded, didn't have any food, they were eating the oranges, and were battling icy conditions.

Eventually, a sheriff ambushed them by a river. Another car chase followed with a shootout in a field as the three tried to make their escape. Marshall was hit and fell to the ground and was finally captured. Helms and Hill were also wounded by shotgun fire, but escaped again. The two made it to the town of Graham.

Oh, beautiful name for a town. I thought you'd love that. Beautiful name for a boy or girl town. Graham. Graham. So they made it to Graham. They were tired and injured. They were taken into custody. I just quickly, walking here,

went past a massage pile called Philip. I thought I was so. funny. It's called Philip. Oh, here's my massage parlour. It's called Philip. It's so weird. What? That's a terrible name. That's so weird. Does it cost more to see Philip?

I just used. Oh my God, yeah. We are named after our favourite royal. God rest his soul. Gone too soon. Gone too soon. The joke that was probably made at the time, but it's not a shame to do it again.

got to Graham, but they were so tired, they just gave up without a fight. So now they've all been arrested. They've been on the run for a week. All in all, two officers were dead, six citizens wounded, one bandit slain, and the three others were wounded and captured. I did, I'm like, that's so, I mean, is this funny? I'm not sure, but I'm like, why are they even bothering? They didn't get the money, but they had killed two cops.

Yeah, yeah. So there's probably a reason they're still being chased. They still robbed a bank, and so therefore them getting killed still gets other people money. Yeah. Kidnap two kids. Yeah. Oh, the kids. Yeah, there were the kids.

There's a couple of things they got up to. Yeah. It's a couple. Just a side note on Graham in Texas. Graham. Move over, little a skyscraper because Graham claims to be home to the largest downtown square in the United States. Wow. Add it to the tour list.

Largest downtown square. I'm sure that's a technicality. Yeah. That one's actually uptown, so ours is the largest downtown square. That sucks. It sucks. If you lived in a town and that was its claim to fame. Well, I mean, we live in a place where the claim to fame is the beautiful laneways and the coffee.

Yeah, I know. How awesome is that? I'll take a square, thank you. We've got Federation Square. Yeah. We've got it all. We've got little skyscrapers. That small bit next to the Rialto.

Oh, the jewel in Melbourne's Crown. Love the Rialto. Aren't we proud of it? Yeah, love that beautiful. We've got a tiny little hotel next to a freeway. That's fun. We've got things. We've got stuff.

We've got culture. Yes. We've got concrete pools. Maybe. So the surviving robbers are all captured because they'd been brought in alive and because there were so many shooters at the bank, it was impossible to determine who'd killed Louis Davis,

so no one collected the bank reward. Oh. Because an entire psychotic town turned up. We all shot him. Despite their ordeal as fugitives, the three men soon recovered from their wounds and were put on trial. Henry Helms was identified as the one who'd killed the two officers and he was sentenced to death.

He attempted to plead insanity and muttered a chant under his breath repeatedly during the trial saying, Ain't gonna sing. That was his three words. But he was singing. it ironically. Ain't gonna see! It's hard to mutter like that,

but he could. He had a beautiful muttering voice. It was haunting. But the jury found him saying he was executed in the electric chair. He's said to have had cabbage, sausages, tomatoes, coffee and pie for his last meal.

That's a feast. What a guy can get cabbage. He's like, to hell with a farts, I'll be dead soon. I'm going to leave you a nice little surprise mind when I passed. You'd be cleaning this off the chair for weeks. Nah, good on you.

Dave, he was someone's son. Robert Hill, the youngest member of the group, pleaded guilty to armed robbery and begged for mercy. He received a sentence of only 99 years. He escaped from prison three times, but each time found himself recaption. After settling down a bit, he was paroled in the mid-1940s,

changed his name and became what the Texas History Online describes as a productive citizen. That's a happy ending. Similar to the one you can get it, Philip. No doubt, I should say, Philip is probably an upstanding

masseuse and I know nothing of him giving happy endings. It was just an easy connection there between a thing I've said before and then, Philip, I'm sure, gives you nothing but unhappy endings. Finally, Marshall Ratliff, the Santa Claus and mastermind of the whole robbery,

was also convicted and sentenced to death for his role in the death of the officers. Little 10-year-old Emma May Robinson's testimony identified Ratliff as the man, disguised the Santa and who'd robbed the bank and kidnapped her. Good job. Good on you. Good on ya. Ratliff appealed his case and when that failed, went for an insanity play of his own, and he muttered his own chant, which was,

The Lord Have Mercy on My Soul. How did that sound? Sorry, I did zone off a bit. Because you said the woman who identified his name was Emma May. And in my head I'm going, Emma May finger you. And then I'm like, that would actually have sounded pretty gross and glad. I didn't say it. And then, but I did go, I was still thinking about it when you came back to me.

Now we're all thinking about it. Yeah. And Emmy Mae is 10 years old. Pays to pay attention. Emma not. Do anything of the sort. All I heard was Dave said she was 118, but that might be now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, everybody. But know this, listeners at home, Dave edits this episode, so if that was in, not on me. Oh, okay. That's how that works, is it? Pretty much, yeah. I technically hit upload. It's all on me.

Yeah. Yup. Yup. I don't know how to take that So Ratliff, he pleaded insanity But they didn't buy it But he did convince his jailers that he really was insane As they had to feed him, bathe him

And take him to the toilet Because he refused to move He said he was paralysed But it was all an elaborate ruse And on November 18 he attempted to escape He fanned paralysis And when the men came to help him He grabbed one of the guards' guns

He then fired three shots That mortally wounded one of his jailers Tom Jules Jones, who by all accounts was a real sex bomb. Thank you. Thank you. Also, also a real foundling. That is a literary joke, a really nerdy one.

Anyway? It's one of the original novels, Tom Jones. Anyway, okay, listen to book cheat. Thanks, everyone. A crowd gathered outside the prison. So they recaptured Marshall, but the crowd gathered outraged that Marshall had not yet been executed and that he tried

escape and he killed a jailer. The mob demanded Marshall be sent out. Inside, his jailer, Kilbourne, refused, but he was overpowered and the mob rushed in and found the prisoner. He was dragged behind a theatre that was reportedly putting on a play called The Noose, which he's kind of out because the crowd strung him up

and hanged him from a telephone table. Yeah. Fucking hell. Rob Justice. Merry Christmas. Jesus. Is this the grimmest topic we've ever done? No.

Not even in your top ten. Absolutely not. Remember I did Dr. Death in the place where Dr. Death was from? Yeah, we realized that quickly. That was no one. That one never got released. Like many of his patients. Hey, do you want to edit this one?

No one was ever charged in connection with the lynching. Right. But in 1967, a plaque was unveiled at the site of the robbery where the bank once stood. It reads, and it's still there, scene of a daring Santa Claus robbery, December 23rd, 1927. Six people were killed, eight injured, later a mob lynched Santa when he broke out of jail. He sends that on a sign. But his actual name. I know. It just says Santa.

kids can read. Like, so Santa was lynched. What's lynched, what? Santa? I know, isn't that? Absolutely outrageous. And all in all, the Santa suit, really, if you look back, was the group's undoing. If he hadn't dressed up as Santa,

he wouldn't have attracted the attention of the kids, including little Francis who asked her mother to follow them into the bank, and Francis's mother was the one who went and told the cops, and then everyone turned up. So he just had literally any other disguise. Mustache. Yeah, Sister Mo. or a brown suit.

Brown suit, turned out pockets. But honestly, we've got to commend him for spreading a bit of Christmas cheer. That is the Santa Claus Bank robbery. Dave Warnocky, everybody. Thank you, thank you. If you came here hoping for warm and fuzzies, well, we deliver it.

That's right, it was a beautiful story. Beautiful story. We might talk about being next year. That's what you want. Yeah. You know we're running out of ideas when we do Bing. Let's hear about the story of Bing. Yeah, it gets more boring after you say his name.

You Binghead's in tonight. Bingheads. That's fun. That's a bit of fun. Thank you so much for coming out to our annual Christmas episode. Can we please thank Comedy Republic, a fantastic venue for hosting you. They do comedy all year round in Melbourne. We absolutely love this venue. so much. Pretty much every day of the year, pretty much, next year post-COVID. I think COVID's now ending.

Yeah, COVID's done. Yeah, if you like comedy, you'll see the biggest comedians in the world will be on this stage. Any time, if you ever like, I've got a hot date. I've just been on Bumble and I need to take my man to a hot date. Well, look no further than this place. Genuinely, it's a great venue. Anyway.

That's based on a true story. All right. Thank you so much. There's no better place to bring a hot date than here and seeing some losers on stage. You're going to look cooler. You'll look cooler. You might come here and I'll be here going, oh, anyway, I just thought about lawns. Genuine bit I'm working on is about... It doesn't matter, but...

If you bring a date here, you see three virgins on stage and they will want to fuck. There's no aphrodisiac, like... Afrodisiac. Thank you so much. Merry Christmas. Good night! three, two, one, and you're back in the room. Whoa. Hey?

That was just in your heads that we just did a live show in front of a beautiful Christmishy crowd. How did you do that? Yeah, magic. Wow. Of the mind. Wow. Mind magic.

I'm using mind magic today. That's a big wow from me. Yeah. Well, I mean, why would we want to be back in the room after such an amazing show? Oh, you wouldn't want to be. That's cruel. Why are we? What have you done?

Well, what we're doing here is just performing, performing everyone's favorite section of the show where we get to thank a bunch of our great supporters. Without whom we would not do this show, it wouldn't be possible. We wouldn't exist. Without who we would surely be killed. The three of us would turn to dust if you ever stop listening. And supporting. So basically this is everyone's favorite section of show.

The first part we do is called the fact quote or question section, which I think adds a little jingle that goes somewhere like this. Fact quote or question. He always remembers the ding. Christmas ding. He always remembers that Christmas ding. So the way this works is people who support us at do go onpod.com or patreon.com or patreon.

There's a bunch of different awards, bonus episodes. You've got the Facebook group, which is the nicest place of the internet, and all sorts of other things. You get access to tickets before anyone else. We sold, I think, about three quarters of the show we just recorded from releasing it on Patreon first. Yeah, that's right. They were the first people to know about their life as we do. And, yeah, the first thing we like to do here is the fact quote or question section, which is if you sign up on either of those websites on the Sydney-Schenberg level,

you have to give us a fact, a quote, or a question. Sometimes a brag, sometimes a suggestion. And you also get to give yourself a title. And I'll read them out for the first time on the pod. So if I stumble, just go easy on me. Yeah, all right. All right? I will savage you.

Take a chill pill. Yeah, Dave is a notorious savage. The first one comes from Ben Oliver. And Ben has got the title, Very Average Joseph. I don't know if I get it, but I love it. I find it very funny. We never know. It could come up.

It's often explained, not always, in the fact quote or question. In this case, it's a quote, which we don't get heaps of. Here it is. Quote, when you're in jail, a good friend will bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, damn, that was fun. That's a quote from Groucho Marx on your Groucho. That's a good quote, Ben.

Did not clear up the very average. Joseph at all. Do either of you get that? No. This is an average Joe. Oh, okay. But maybe this one's short for Joseph. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. If you know a Joe, there's a chance he's a Joseph. Oh, my God. Or a Giuseppe. Apologize to the people briefly yelling at their iPods there. Thank you very much, Ben. Oliver, you are no average Joe Schmo to me.

Next one comes from Detective Herbert Covington. Great to hear from the detective. And the detective has given himself the title official assistant detective to Detective Woof. Oh, well, Detective Woof and he's all the help we can get. And Detective Herbert Covington has asked the question. Hey guys, this is my first fact quote of question. Welcome, Detective Herbert. Says, I'm so psyched to be here.

Anyways, I'll get right to it. What's your dream crossover of two fictional characters? properties no matter how wacky or impossible. Anything goes here. Or properties. Like houses? Yeah, that's right. Obviously, we would like the house where Doogie Houser grew up mixed in with the Adams family

mansion. You nerds don't get it. In my world, the world of comic books and movies and stuff like that. Properties are like, they're like characters. I think they're pretty much characters still. Characters slash properties Which I think sort of means characters Okay

They like What I like that's happened in a comic book world Is they've really just got down a business These aren't characters anymore They're properties Yeah Anyway I think mine might be

I love a good mystery Yeah And I love Oh my God Yeah Other mysteries I'm thinking of the X files Yes

Solving a crime Yes Enlisting the help of Hercule Poir Oh my God I love that That's great. Scully being like, I don't know, Poirot. Yeah.

But Poirot, you have to use your little grecels. Wouldn't that they would be kind of competing because occasionally it looks like it could be something that's a bit more mystical or mythical or whatever. Otherworldly in Poirot and it always ends up, that was the butler with the tongs or whatever. Yes, but in the X-Files it always ends up that Foxmolter's wild theory is correct. It's true.

So, yeah, which one would play? out here. I don't know who would, who would be, because it would be like a really, maybe it would be a really wacky case.

I think the funniest version of the show because it would have to be played up for a bit of fun is Molder thinks that some wild wacky, you know,

some sort of haunted devil situation and then Poirot comes in and proves that it isn't and then it becomes a bit and then also we cross over Scooby-Doo at the end. I was going to say

that's a real Scooby-Doo so, whoa. There's a lot happening. That's so good. I was going in the same place but I was thinking getting like Poirototot

into like mixing with another big gun. So you know like an Avengers scenario with Super Heroes. I want like an Avengers scenario with crime solvers, detectives. So you got Poirot, you got Angela Lansbury, you've got Tom Croydon from Blue Healers. The Big Three. I mean, I can't think of any other big ones. Quincy.

Diagnosis murder. Yeah. Of course Mark Sloan. Like Manix. Reg from the bill. That's the crossover right there. Yeah, get them all in. And I'd still want Japs to come in and go open and shut case pileau.

Obviously this man did it. And then everyone going, no, no, no, no. You know, all of them. But they'd sort of, yeah. I think that could be fun. Yeah. It was like a reality show when everyone's in character, it's trying to solve a mystery.

Yeah. Yeah, big fan of that. Yeah. Maybe Steve Martin and Martin Short and Selina Gomez. I can't do a voice anymore. I reckon I nailed it briefly while I was watching that show. I'm Selena Gomez.

Yeah, there it is. I've lost it, I think. I've lost it. Jess, which show would you cross prioro, I believe? Baywatch. Oh, yes. I think. But also, they're in space.

Oh, Baywatch and space. Yeah, speech bases. Space beaches. The hockey. and the Herk. The Hoff and the Herk. Yeah, that's good. You're not bringing Poirot into this, are you though?

Yeah, no, I am. Oh, you are? Poirot and Baywatch in space. That was Dave's question. They're all Poirot spin-offs, obviously. David Souchay, David Huss off. Well, I've got the detective. I mean, he probably would appreciate that.

I'm putting Herbert Covington in my Avengers as well. Oh, yeah. Fantastic. What about Columbo? One more thing. Who was the lawyer Perry Mason? Is he the one who would like throw a briefcase down when a guy said he'd broken his neck?

And then the guy would turn his neck to hear the sound and be like, huh, neck doesn't look so broken now. That's good stuff. This sounds like one episode you saw once. I know you every week. You know what you would do that every week? It's his thing. It's his catchphrase.

That's great. But I always ask and recommend And if you ask a question in this section, please also answer it yourself and the great detective has done that. Writing, I always thought a Blues Brothers slash Ninja Turtles comic book would be super rad. That is cool. That is fun. And one of my dream crossovers will always be David Soucher's Herculopo and Batman from the animated series. Oh, Batman's in my Avengers of Detectives as well.

imagine the world's greatest detective solving mysteries together always I'd love to hear your picks cheers anyways I'd love to hear your picks cheers that is so funny detective that we've gone in a very similar direction yeah that's great that's so good I love the idea of Blues Brothers and Ninja Turtles getting the band back together fantastic next one comes from Patricia Alexandra

Alexandra also a first time we're into the fact quote of question. Patricia, given the title, Employee of the Month. Well, done, Patricia. Congratulations. I hope that comes with a little bonus or at least, you know, a nice cup of tea. A plaque? A plaque? Hey. A mug. Patricia, we always believed. Of course. We knew, but, you know, sometimes it's so nice to have that validation. A lot of promise. Yeah. From day dot. That recognition is always nice. as I famously say occasionally. Patricia has offered us a brag.

Is day one what I said that time? Yeah. Day one. Day one. Still don't know what it means. That's the mystery. If someone could solve it. Patricia has bragged here.

Yes. Writing, I became a $25 patron so I can brag. My co-worker introduced me to you. Bracket, best thing. ever. I love this podcast, bracket. And this month, he'll be leaving the crappy company. I wanted for him to hear a shout out from, you awesome peeps. Congrats, butthole, you're free.

I don't know if you can tell the parts that are in caps there. Side note to you three, I hope this actually fits the criteria to be said on your podcast. If not, I understand with the shot. There's very little that we won't read out. A lot of checks and balances. I mean, especially seeing as I don't pre-read at all. There's no censoring. I think we can definitely say fact, quote, a question.

Congratulations or suggestions. Yeah. Yeah, I think that definitely. I mean, you can use it however you like. I mean, some people have done in the past, you say whatever you want and call it a quote and then attributed to yourself. You know, everybody, put him up, this is a robbery.

Me now, talking to Dave. And then it says in brackets, Matt, you need a gun. Take Dave's money. And I'll have to do it because that's just the rules of the segment. So Dave, get you wallet out. All right, here it is. And we'd also like to say congratulations, butthole. Yeah, butthole.

You did it. I can't believe it. I love it. This is your chance to shout him out. And you've gone, you haven't given his name. Yeah. I wanted him to hear a shout out from your awesome peeps. Congrats butthole.

You're free. That's so good. I'd get that tattooed butthole. Congrats butthole. And if you're looking for a spot, just in a nice ring around the old. Finger. Finger. And finally, I'd love to thank Drew Forsberg, aka the White Album,

who's offered a quote, which is, how about a magic trick? I'm going to make this pencil. disappear. That's from the Joker. The pencil trick is not only the best scene in the movie, but the Joker's line setting it up contains a question plus a prediction that becomes fact.

Spooky. Also, in case my attempt at a title joke was too obtuse, I apologize to you. Wait, did I read the... Yeah, the White album, okay. Sorry. I can't remember moments ago. In case my attempt at a title joke was too obtuse,

I apologize to you, but I won't explain it because that always kills the intended humor. Cheers and be great. A.K. also known as the wide album, Drew Forsberg, also known as the wide album. That is good stuff. That is good stuff. I won't explain to the listeners because that will be a joke. If you don't get it, you don't get it.

That's all right. Very well played. The white album is self-titled. Self-title. So I'm guessing it's something to do with that. Also known as the wide album. Because technically it's called The Beatles, also known as the White Album. Anyway, I think if that is the joke, I did just explain it, so I apologize.

The other thing, another thing we'd like to do is thank a few of our other great supporters. Jess, you normally come up with a little game for their name, a name game, if you will. And it's got to be sort of Christmasy this time. Yeah, well, we're doing it. We did a beautiful Christmas live show that we all enjoyed and loved and were there at. What if we gave him like a Christmas elf name? I love it. I love a Christmas elf.

Can you give me an example? No, I'll just do the first one. Okay, great. I'll show you that way because I don't want, I've got one in my head. I don't want to use an example and burn it, you know? Well, the first one could, I reckon, be a slightly elfish name from Melbourne, Max Massingham.

Oh, that's cute. Jingles. Jingle's. Oh, okay, I see it. Yep. Jingles, the L. That is quite different to Max Massingham. Max, I went to primary school with a guy called Max Massingham.

He's from Melbourne. I've never, I can't believe there'd be too many Max Massingham. I wonder if that would be amazing Max. Wow. We've played, we've trade Pokemon cards. Is that you, Max?

Let me know. Well, that's cool. And sorry, actually, Dave, what you should be saying is,

is that you jingles. Is that you jingles? That's beautiful. Jingles. No, Max. His name is jingles. Sorry, jingles.

I missed that because I was so, uh, enamored being like, is this the Max massingham? I'd also, no, it's jingles.

Hey, even if it isn't the Max, you are the jingles. and we love you. Yeah, we love you for that. I'd also love to say from Atherton in California, I think, in the US. Kendall Levison.

Holly, Holly, Holly, Bowles. Holly. Holly. Oh, that's a good one. You cut off balls there? Yeah, I'm cutting off balls. You're neutering this elf? Holly the elf.

Holly the elf. Yeah. Just think of like anything that would suit the elf afterwards, I reckon. Yeah. Jingles the elf. Yeah. Holly the elf. Right.

Yeah, Holly balls the elf. Silly. No good. That's a bit too stupid. That's silly. That's silly. I apologize for that. Finally, for me, from Address Unknown, can only assume deep within the fortress of the elves.

It is Matt Byrne. Matt Byrne. Okay. Dr. Prez. Short for presents. Dr. Prez, the elf. Doctor Presence. He's a doctor.

Doctor of presents. He's got a doctorate in giftology. Wow. Well, that's what you need, actually. To be it a man. kind of level as an elf. You've got to have your doctorate. Oh, certainly.

You know? Masters as a minimum. Yeah. Would you like to thank a few, Bopper? Bopper obviously a great elf name. Yeah, but that one's taken. By the next. I've got one to the next one, I think.

I would love to thank from Rossendale in Great Britain, William Maudsley. William Maudsley. What about Noggy? Noggy. Noggy. Obsessed with that, yes. I've been, and I've recently been upset.

I've never had an eggnog, but when I was writing a recent report, I was distracted throughout the night, looking up eggnog. Did you know that if you had alcohol tour to corner, it's Wikipedia.org page, which is a great resource for Christmas effects. It's known as a holiday sludge.

Oh, that's gross. Wow. sludge Can I offer anybody a sludge? Anyone Everyone? We're done with our mains. Anybody need a sludge?

Ridiculous. Noggy's cute though. I asked on social media about it and I'm like should I try it? And real split points decision on that one. I don't enjoy egg. And so the egg in egg-k-k-nog

has always really put me off. But is it mostly egg? I don't think it's mostly egg. There's cream and other. the dairy products in it and sort of sweetness in there as well. So I think it's quite a, it's like a thick, well, it's a sludge. And I think it's quite sweet. And then sometimes alcohol as well as brandy or rum or something.

Okay. I'm willing to try it. I saw a Bailey's one. Yeah, Bailey's inspired though. Inspired in a very small print. Wow. Yeah. That's incredible and so, so dodgy.

All right, William Maudsley. Noggy. Nogie. So cute. I love that. very much. I'd also love to thank from Barnett, also in Great Britain. Katie Fitz. Katie Fitz.

Tinsle. Oh, tinsel. I shit you not. I was going to say tinsel. That's one I've had in my head for the last couple. No. I think I just gave you that information telepathically. Oh my God. Tinsle. How cute is that? Tinsle the elf. Tensle. I thought fits. Tinsul. Oh, yeah.

Fitz Tensel. Thank you. Fitz Tensel. Yes. Stop it. Try put another one I have for the next one. Okay. All right. Thank you. Katie. And finally for me, I would love to thank from London. Oh, London, thanks. Also in the UK.

Connor Kennedy. Pud. Pud. Little Pud. Pud. Even pudding is cute. Pudding the elf. Pud.

Little Pud. Lil Pud the elf. Oh my God. I just want to give you a little cuddle. That's nice. Little Pud. A little Pud. Oh.

One of Santa's great helpers, little Pud. So cute. Conner Little Pud Kennedy That's nice That's nice Dave, do you want to thank some people Bring this home I'd love to

From Chicago, Illinois Big shout out to Copper the Coyote Oh my goodness Copa the Coyote Okay That's fantastic From the windy city

What about roast Roast Roast the elf Roast the elf Roast the elf Roast Pork. Porky.

Porky. Porky. Porky. Porky. There we go. We got there. Full title roast pork. Yeah.

They call it porky. Cute little nickname. Cop of the coyote. That's very good. I would love to think also... It's rare that it's a downgrade. Oh no. I'd like to think from Wollon Gabbah in Queensland.

Catherine Gray. Catherine Gray. Home of the first Ashes test last year. Okay. Woolen Gabb is where the Gaba gets its name. Yeah. International listeners and won't know that.

Fun fact. Oh, that's fun. We squeeze them in anyway here. This one is Shane Warn, the elf. Warning. The sheik of tweak. The flipper. What a flipper.

Flipper the elf. That's cute. Shane Ward's signature ball. The flipper. That's cute. What's your signature ball? Mine's the flipper. That's good stuff.

He's like saying that to like Morali or something. I mean, we always encourage people to answer their own questions. Shane does it up top. He'd be a terrible host of who wants to be a millionaire. B, what's your answer? I'm looking at B. What's yours? Is it A? It's not. Is it B? Yes. That's what I'd go for.

To be honest, I'd probably go with the one he didn't want. Yeah, maybe. And finally, I'd like to thank from. Bratling in the Northern Territory here in Australia James Rogers James Rogers Borble

Oh, Borble Snow Globe Snow globe I love Bobble as well I think I really like Borbel Okay great Borbel's elf Oh gosh

That's cute Come on Borbel We need you help over here Bobble okay There's a rocking horse That needs rocking a fod Borgle it's so good Borb

Boreble This is one of the best ones you've come up with in recent memory, I reckon, Bopper. Thank you. Thank you. I deserve that praise. Can you now give me an elf name, please? Yeah, you are... Matt Schitt from Melbourne, we're calling him.

You are... I just used Snow Globe, but neither of you liked that. I liked it. I really like it. You can be Snow Globe, Dave. It can Matt be something to do with Slay? Makes me love. Slayer.

Slay up, it's a pun. It's a pun. Yeah. That's good. Or sleigh bell. Slay bell. That's cute because you go ring tingling. You can be a little drummer boy.

You could be parapa, pump, pump, the elf. You could be little drama boy. Little, me? Because you were the drama captain. Little drama boy. You could be Michael Boobley. Oh, that's good. Michael Borblay.

He should change his name this time of year. So thank you to James, Catherine, Copper, Connor, Katie, William, Matt, Kendall and Max. We also need to welcome in a couple of new Triptitch Club members. If you don't know, people who have been supporting us on the shoutout level or above for three straight years, get a one-way ticket to Paradise, which we call the Triptage Club. And the way this normally works is I'm standing on the door, in your mind. I've got the Velvet Row. I've got the door list.

I read out the names. Everyone who's already in the TripTage Club is inside, cheering you on. Dave's on stage. He's going to really hype you up. Jess keeps Dave's juices flowing. Yeah. You normally also have a drink. What's your Christmasy cocktail you've concocted?

Something with Nog, surely. Yeah, we've got, well, we've got Bailey's inspired eggnog, but I will be spiking that with more Baileys and probably cocaine, I think. Okay. But I've also got, yeah, I've also got a few different Christmas themed cocktails. There's the Mrs. Claws. There's the jingle balls. There's a few of them actually.

They're all red and green. Yeah. And most of them are glittery. Oh, that sounds. But not with edible glitter. So do be careful trying to sift that out. each drink does come with a sieve and Dave you've normally booked a band

Yes we've got the king of Christmas songs himself Bing Crosby is here Wow Yes performing all the hits White Christmas Is he doing the Moriah Carey one? Yes Yes

It's very good at our top note Very good at high note Bing Is he doing that that duet That awkwardly shot duet with David Bowie Yes I haven't seen that video Yeah, but he will be doing that. Yeah, live.

I'll be stepping in Phidgett Bowies. Yeah, look forward to that. We could only resurrect one singer per episode. So I'm going to read out these names. Dave, you're going to hype them up. Jess will hype Dave up. Here we go. First up, into the Triptitch Club this week from Lynnebrook in Victoria, Australia,

Nicholas Arnett. St. Nicholas Arnett. Yes, oh my God, yes. And from Merritt Island in Florida. in the United States. Ryan Lovelin. More like Ryan love you. Yes, we love you, Ryan.

Welcome into the club. Make yourself at home. Have a fantastic Kishmishmish. Also from Merritt Island. Mary Island. Yes. Trying to get a Christmas theme in. My God, nailing it.

Welcome in, Ryan and Nicholas. Well, obviously, that does bring us to the end of the episode. We hope we've brought a bit of Chris-Mish cheer this year. This is, I think, our seventh annual Christmas special. So you can, of course, go back and listen to previous ones. This one's probably the one we've released closest to Kishmish.

If you are celebrating Christmas this weekend, we hope you have an absolute fantastic and safe time with your loved ones and family. Yeah, Merry Merry Christmas to you. We normally do them earlier because I personally have probably the most Christmas cheer of the trio. Yeah.

But I lose it instantly. Throw the tree out the window. Midnight, sometimes even before midnight on Christmas Day. It just, it feels like the mist is gone and I'm like, why don't even care of this? Trees out in the front lawn. I always have to go back and get it the next day because it is a reusable one. You haven't taken any of the ornaments off.

But I just get furious. So normally I like to put out the Christmas episode with more time for me to enjoy it. But we do have most of a week if you're listening on the day. came out. Or maybe you're listening in a future Christmas marathon and you're only halfway through. Yeah. Because we're up to our 14th or 15th one in the future. God.

We'll be long dead. I'm going to live forever. Hopefully everyone has just a fantastic Christmas or whatever you call your time of you, whatever you're celebrating. Yeah, holiday season, end of year. We just hope that you have a nice time. Yeah. And the next year is great for you.

One of your best. The PC police are in the corner here pointing to a card saying happy holidays. Yeah. And we're saying, yeah, no, good suggestion. Haven't they ruined everything? Can't say anything anymore. Don't say Merry Christmas. But I do wish everyone a very merry holidays and a happy Christmas.

And in the meantime, if you want to get in contact with us or support us, you go to do go onpod.com. We've got links to all the stuff. This is our second last episode of the year. So until next week for the final episode, we'll say thank you so much. And goodbye. Merry later. Bye. Jingle.

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