Do Go On - 322 - The Santa Claus Bank Robbery

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

The truly festive tale of the time a guy named Marshall Ratliff decided to rob a bank whilst dressed as Santa Claus. Things didn't go so well and it sparked the biggest manhunt in the history of Texas! Recorded live at Comedy Republic in Melbourne.Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: dogoonpod.com or patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/Submit-a-Topic Stream our 300th episode with extra quiz (and 16 other episodes with bonus content): https://sospresents.com/authors/dogoonTwitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader Thomas REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World%27s_littlest_skyscraperhttps://thetexan.news/the-santa-who-tried-to-steal-christmas-a-story-of-a-failed-texas-bank-robbery/http://www.executedtoday.com/2008/11/19/1928-marshall-ratliff-santa-claus-bank-robbery/https://archive.org/details/StartlingDetectiveMar1930/page/n15/mode/2up?view=theaterhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_Claus_Bank_Robberyhttps://www.tshaonline.org/handbook/entries/santa-claus-bank-robberyhttps://www.mentalfloss.com/article/609749/santa-claus-bank-robbery-1927 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Just jumping in really quickly at the start of today's episode to tell you about some upcoming opportunities to see us live in the flesh. And you can see us live at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2024. We are doing three live podcasts on Sundays at 3.30 at Basement Comedy Club, April 7, 14 and 21. You can get tickets at dogo1pod.com. Matt, you're also doing some shows around the country. That's right. I'm doing shows with Saren Jayamana, who's been on the show before. We're going to be in Perth in January, Adelaide in February, Melbourne through the festival in April, and then Brisbane after that. I'm also doing Who Knew It's in Perth and Adelaide. Details for all that stuff at mattstuartcomedy.com.

We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. You there, boy.

What, me? Yes, you. What about me? Uh, yeah, sure, you too, little girl. Gross. Um, anyway, in the spirit of Christmas, I'm here to grant you three wishes. Yes, awesome. I have absolutely zero follow-up questions. Okay, what is your first wish? A truckload of beans.

Done. Yes. A truckload of coffee beans. Fuck! I'm not a slave to the coffee bean What is your next wish? Okay Dave let's be very careful Okay not to waste this one

Agreed Right well what do you wish for? I'm thinking world Pies What the fuck? What does that even mean? I thought I could just give everyone a pie Granted

You now have world peace Oh come on Now this guy's just deliberately mishearing me Your final wish What does that even mean? I thought I could just give everyone a pie. Granted. You now have world peace. Oh, come on. Now this guy's just deliberately mishearing me. Your final wish? Okay, okay. Dave? Dave.

Shut up. Okay. Yes, Dave. Shut up. All right. I'm shutting up. I would love to do a live do-go-on Christmas podcast at Comedy Republic. It's all I've ever wanted.

Your wish is granted. Hey, I think it actually went well this time. Sadly, the audience is a little flat. Fuck! Well, what have I said? Please, welcome to the stage. It's Matt, Jess and Dave from Do Go On! Merry Christmas!

Hello and welcome to the annual Do Go On Christmas special. My name is Dave Warnocki and I'm here with my glasses. Thank you so, so much. You'll need that to see. And I'm also here with Jess and Matt. Hello! Thank you. Thank you so much for coming out, you absolute legends. And risking your safety and

that of your family. The people you hold dearest. This is the real Christmas. Fuck the weekend. None of us will be there, but who cares? Sorry, Grandma. Yeah, fuck you, Nana. She's dead. So what means

she can't be offended? Yeah, she can't be offended. She's dead. He wasn't going to see her anyway. We've gone too far early. We're a little excited. Any Nana's in tonight? We're like a little too excited

We'll calm down Dave, as the parent here Thank you Can you settle everything down a little bit please? I mean I'm on the waters, anything could happen tonight Except dehydration I'm feeling good So it is our annual

I think this might be the seventh annual Christmas episode Every time you say that, you say, I think, and it's like you could have checked by now. Yeah. 2015. 2016. 2017. 2018.

Yeah. 2019. 20... Where does it go from there? Is that 2100? No, I've actually not. But yeah, seven-ish. Seven-ish.

Has anyone not heard the show before? Should we explain it to anyone? Yes, no? You? That's okay, no shame. Great, no shame. There's a little woo over here, Dave. Pick on them.

Other end of the scale. Who has heard the show? Fantastic. It is good to ask in that order, great. Other end of the scale, who has heard the show? Fantastic. It is good to ask in that order, actually. It feels better. Rather than, yeah, and then... I don't know who you are. You're like, all right.

So, Matt, for those who don't know what the show is... Why don't you explain it in a succinct way? Seems like a mistake to ask me, but I would say one of the three of us goes away and researches a topic and then brings that research back and lets the other two know about it. They don't know anything about it beforehand.

They don't know what the topic is. And they get onto that topic with a question. And I think Dave's going to ask us a question now. And then the other two, me and Jess in this case, are going to listen politely. Yeah. To the question. To the question, yeah. And then the other two, me and Jess in this case, are going to listen politely. Yeah. To the question. To the question, yeah. And then from then on

we will fuck you up. In Christmas spirit. Yeah, thank you. My question to you is, if you were to rob a bank, what would be the most festive disguise you could wear? Elf, Santa Claus, Mrs Claus,

reindeer, slay. All of these. All of them. Snowmen, gingerbread house. Yeah, they're describing, the witness is describing them. They were huge. They were wearing 30 disguises. They kept pulling them off and I was like, who are you?

Did I get any of those? One of them was right, Matt. Santa. It is Santa. Well done, Matt. Thank you so much. Thank you. You don't get to answer until Dave addresses you directly. So I think that's a new rule, but I like it. The answer is the Santa Claus suit. This is the Santa Claus bank robbery.

And been suggested by one person. Thank you to Kelly Clark from Perth. Are you in tonight? Imagine. They haven't left in a long time. No way. This one was voted for by the Patreon supporters. You're never going to believe it.

It won in a landslide. Right, okay. With apologies to Mr Bing Crosby. No one gave a shit about Bing. He's from beyond the grave. I used to be the biggest Christmas artist. No one cares, Bing. Have you ever robbed a bank, Bing?

I don't know. I didn't look into it. No need. No need. Nobody voted for him. Now, I'm not sure about you, but when I think of Christmas, I think of Texas. Yes. So let me take you to the central Texas town of Cisco which in the 1920s claimed to be home to the largest

Thong song I can only imagine that it's a tribute Claimed to be home to the largest thong song I hadn't said anything for a minute I thought I thought if I'm like if I don't jump back in here soon I'm going for the episode

Matt's just on the side going let me in let me in let me in but I'm on delay Cisco Matt was home to in the 1920s

claimed anyway to be home to the largest concrete swimming pool in the world what a claim how are you home to, in the 1920s, claimed anyway, to be home to the largest concrete swimming pool in the world. What a claim. How are you supposed to swim in concrete? I think there's probably a... Wet. That one really, that rumbled.

Like, you got it over here first. It wasn't good. I'm assuming Jezza was wet concrete. Oh, yeah. Silly me. There was also a skating rink, a zoo and an amusement park around the pool. What? Well, near the pool.

It was a complex. It was a heaven on earth, you know? But sadly, to quote from what I can only assume is some sort of website devoted to Texas tourism that I found. I think it's pronounced Wikipedia.org. I haven't heard of it, but it sounds great. pronounced wikipedia.org. I haven't heard of it, but it sounds great. It said, the pool closed in the 1970s and the vacant

skating rink burnt down a few years later. That's so true. Dave, we're here for Christmas. Stop bringing us down. Get festive. Hey, it burnt down on the 25th of December. Oh, that's beautiful. Is that true? That's not true. Let's let him have it.

That's like a little boy's Christmas wish. Santa, I would like to burn down the world's largest concrete swimming pool. Done. In the 1920s, 7,000 people resided in Cisco in Texas. So I presume they could all fit in the pool. And in this town and across Texas, there was one problem plaguing the good people. And that was bank robberies. There's 7,000 people.

And they are plagued by bank robberies. One in four of them are bank robbers. They've also got the largest pool in the world for such a small population. 7,000 people. We've got more people than that in tonight. Yeah. Who wants to go for a swim?

During this period, three or four Texas banks were being robbed every day. What? Amazing. So, and I ask you, how do you stop violence? The answer is, of course, more violence. Yes. Say it with me now. In response the Texas makers

You asked them to and you moved on. You too did, yeah. That was really strange. That was a dick move on your part. Say it with me now. Say it with me now. In 1922. What a dog. Hey, I appreciate you coming. You'll never come with me again. No one's ever come with Dave.

No one's come with Dave. No one's come with you or near you. You are a virgin. No one's come because of you. We used to only do this privately in our group chat, but it's spilt out now. That's right. For a while, we were only doing it in the bonus episodes. Now it's spilt out now. That's right. For a while we were only doing the bonus episodes, now we'll do it in public.

Not that Dave wouldn't. Wouldn't do it in private either. Well, it is Christmas and it's my tribute to the Virgin Mary. So, they've got three or four bank robberies a day. In response, the Texas Bankers Association offered a $5,000 reward to anyone three or four bank robberies a day. In response, the Texas Bankers Association offered a $5,000 reward

to anyone who shot a bank robber during the crime. It's like, it's $78,000 US dollars today. If you shoot a bank robber, the bank will say, thank you so much. Is it more if they're dead? Well, that is a technicality. You did have to kill them. They are worth nothing alive.

So if you maim someone... They're like, who cares? Whoopty frickin' do. Whatever. One of Cisco's most seasoned bank robbers was 24-year-old Marshall Ratliff. Along with his... Did someone just say, ugh?

It's not a nice name, is it? I will not be saying it about 40 or 50 more times. Along with his brother, Lee Ratliff. You poor... So maybe it's Marshall you've got a problem with, okay? Marshall had robbed a bank with his brother in nearby Valera. They would have gotten away with it too if they hadn't thrown the cash around

and drunkenly boasted about their crime. Okay, yeah. Sadly, they were arrested by Cisco Chief of Police, G.E. Bit Bedford. His nickname was Bit. Bit. Honestly, it could always go one of two ways. I hate it. Okay.

They were given long sentences but were soon pardoned in 1927 by Texas Governor Miriam Ma Ferguson. No? Not a good hit rate tonight. I don't know. Miriam Ma. Ma. Everyone calls her Ma.

Yeah, Ma Ferguson. No, right? No, thank you. Okay, we're all with that, right? Unless your nickname's Ma, in which case It just feels a bit patronising You know what I mean

Well Ma Pardoned the brothers And she also issued 4,000 pardons During her tenure So she was just Wouldn't she have

Mardened You regretted Before you said it It was another Solid break there that I had. Look, honestly, I'm going to stop following my instincts. Yeah. One day I will.

Not today, but... So they got pardoned and with their second chance at life, they decided to rob their local Cisco bank. Good, good, good, good. Marshall planned to rob the bank with his brother Lee, but Lee was arrested for robbing a different bank, so Marshall had to look elsewhere for a bit of backup. So he put the call out, presumably ad in the local paper,

and recruited fellow ex-convicts Henry Helms, who's 31, and Robert Hill, who's 21. Marshall also wanted to have a safe cracker on the squad to help gain access to the bank vault but the first pick fell ill so Marshall decided to do the job himself. Good. But he needed a fourth man to fill his brother's role. A relative

of Henry Helms, a guy called Louis Davis, was a young 22 year old father who, unlike the others, didn't have a criminal record but he really needed the money and he agreed to join the mission but only if there was no gunfire. Sadly, his Christmas wish would not be granted. Well, it's funny.

I mean, they can only promise no gunfire from one side. Yeah, that's right. There's a reward out there for you to be shot. That is absolutely wise. Oh, yeah, sorry. Must be killed. Yeah, and killed. Shot.

Why waste your time? It It's gotta be a headshot I wanna see a brain splattering Or I'm not paying up That's just how it was in Texas In the year that we're talking about right now A lot of fine print Yeah Marshall Ratliff and his trio of cronies

Plotted the robbery in Wichita Falls before stealing a car and driving to Cisco. And just a side note, move over largest concrete pool in the world because Wichita Falls in Texas is home to the world's littlest skyscraper. How good is that? Built in 1919, it was the result of a fraudulent investment scheme by a confidence man, J.D. McMahon. McMahon collected

$200,000 US dollars, which is equivalent to $3 million today, in investment capital from a group of naive investors, promising to construct a high-rise office building. The key to McMahon's swindle and his successful defence in the ensuing lawsuit was that the legal documents listed the

height as 480 inches, as opposed to 480 feet. The investors didn't seem to notice and McMahon never verbally stated that the actual height of the building would be 480 feet or 150 meters tall. Instead it was only 12 meters tall and inside it was so small that when they put the staircase in, the stairs took up 25% of every room. But they put stairs in! By the time people realised, McMahon had fled town with their money, and when they tried to sue

they couldn't because they'd signed the 480 inch plans. I mean, it's terrible but it was a long time ago so it's very good. It was a great source of embarrassment to the city and its residents when it was completed. During the 1920s the new Big Mac Man

building as it's actually called was featured in Robert Ripley's Believe It or Not column as the world's littlest skyscraper and that's a nickname that has stuck ever since. People have tried to petition to demolish it because they're so embarrassed by it. But for over 100 years it survived tornadoes, a fire and decades of neglect.

And I'm putting it on the first stop on our US tour. Yeah, big time. World's littlest skyscraper. I'm going to get in it. So help me God, I'm getting in that thing. I'm going gonna climb the stairs was that on the same episode of ripley's believe it or not with your smallest uh list of people someone's had sex with which i think that is now going to be in there with the world's longest lead up to a bad joke.

Mine's just really ticking along tonight. Anyway, back to the main story. They're in Wichita Falls and I don't think they visited the little skyscraper which is disappointing. But they want to rob a Cisco bank because Marshall

because Marshall was a well-known Cisco local he felt he was likely to be recognised. Because there's 7,000 people there. Yeah.

They all know him. They all know him. He's the bank robber. Yeah. There's like a photo of him on the door saying do not let this man in. But the others would be fine because they're not from around. But he needed a photo of him on the door saying, do not let this man in. But the others would be fine because they're not from around.

But he needed a disguise and because it was December 23, he thought the best way to obscure his features was to wear a Santa suit that he borrowed from Mrs Midge Tellett who, I love Midge, who ran the boarding house where they'd been staying. She had hand

sewn the suit for her husband to wear on Christmas. It was a full suit, a hat and a beard. Oh, Midge! Sorry, Midge. There'll be no Christmas this year. In his defence, I'm guessing he thought he'd borrow it and then return it later

before she even noticed. So that doesn't happen. I hate to report that her husband was never going to wear that suit again. She made it too small. So now Marshall is wearing his amazing disguise, which is the stolen Santa suit. Okay. What could possibly go wrong?

The other three are in the stolen car who are dressed normally. They let Marshall out in his Santa suit a few blocks from the bank And he walked the rest of the way But of course, this attracted the local children who started to follow Santa Apparently, he stopped to chat with eager children, answering their questions and patting them on the head. Oh, that's nice.

That's nice. He's not ruining any children's Christmas. Not really. He's just got, like, a massive gun tucked under his... Yeah, it's all right. Which, I must say, does remind me of the time 11 years ago when I was dressed as Santa. I used to do Santa Christmas parties.

Can you believe that? I wore a fat suit, but the arms and the legs weren't padded, so it looked very strange. And one time in the city here in Melbourne, my car broke down in between parties and I had to flag down a taxi dressed as Santa, but that doesn't work because they all just wave back. They're just like, oh, he's spreading Christmas cheer.

Look at that tiny little Santa. Stop the fucking car, you dog. My Santa's swearing at us. Anyway. So the kids, they're flocking to Marshall. Sure. Who's probably thinking, fuck off, I've got to

rob a bank. But he's being nice. And I can't tell you why he got out and walked, because he ended up meeting his robbery colleagues in the alleyway out the back of the bank. So he probably could have just stayed in the car. Then dressed as Santa, he led the way into the bank. Inside there were 16 people, including bank tellers and customers. And when Marshall walked in, Alex Spears, the bank manager said, hello Santa.

But Santa didn't respond. Can you imagine being the bank manager and you're like Santa. But Santa didn't respond. Can you imagine being the bank manager and you're like, fuck, does Santa have a bank account here? I don't know. What the hell is he doing? We don't have any of Santa's money. He's here to get your money out. Just panicking?

Fuck. just panicking fuck because he knows all the people all the customers he knows everyone he knows everyone that's why he's a very good

bank manager and he's gone he goes hello Santa and he doesn't respond and he says it again and then he doesn't respond again

and then one of Santa's colleagues the robbers behind him yells stick him up everybody and at first everyone thought it was a joke but then they saw the three armed men behind santa that they'd previously not noticed oh no we're being robbed uh the men quickly got into position and this is a quote from a 1930 edition of the startling detective magazine one bandit really good stood guard just outside the door another sorry it's inside the door that's important another covered the customers and bank manager spears whilst the third one stepped up to the teller's window where a

businessman was making a big deposit sorry it's a sperm bank. It was a very big deposit. Oh, Gino. I mean, he's had to... I imagine every now and then he's had to get rid of a large deposit but he was the only one there that sounds like he went to a sperm bank

after hours and went well I'm here may as well and to finish the quote the guy's making a big deposit but then the bank robber said to the teller, stick him up, big boy.

I mean it. Which I love. Stick him up, big boy. Gross. Meanwhile, a woman on the street misses BP Blasson game. Blasson game. What do you think of that? Love that. Finally. Finally we've.P. Blassengame. Blassengame. What do you think of that? Love that. Finally. Finally we've got one.

Blassengame. She was walking with her six-year-old daughter, Frances, who saw Santa. Frances Blassengame? Yes, Frances Blassengame. And Frances Blassengame saw Santa enter the bank and she asked her mum to follow him inside and they did. Let's go

see Santa. Alright. I've got to see this deposit. Says Mrs. Blassingame. Mrs. Blassingame, so they've walked in. Upon realising the bank was being robbed, she grabbed little Francis and ushered her into the bookkeeping

room next door and unlocked a side door that opened into an alleyway. One of the bandits shouted, stop or I'll shoot. But despite this threat, Blas and Game unhooked the door, told the little girl to hurry and they dashed out onto the street. She heard a shot that ran out near her, but she just kept running and they went to the police station across the road, bursting into the headquarters with the news that the bank was being robbed and you'll never guess who

was on duty. Who? G.E. Bit Bedford. Bit Bedford. I'm coming around to it. The chief of police that had previously put Marshall away for robbery. Bit Bedford. So now the cops are very much aware that the bank is being robbed by Santa. And they are across the road

from the bank yes okay feels like a good spot actually and a shot had already rung out and i was still like hmm wonder what that was doesn't matter anyway back to the paperwork yeah i mean by that i mean the bloody crossword you know any pigs in tonight? Nope, her word, not mine. Okay, ACAB then. Alright. All Christmases are banging.

Alright. Back on. Everything's Christmas. Everything's Christmas. Everything's Christmas. Marshall, still dressed as Santa, soldiered on with the robbery and pushed through a swinging door past the cashier's desk then went into the cashier's cage, opened up a drawer under the counter and removed a pistol from that location. So there's a gun in the bank but he's stuffed it into Santa's suit.

He then ordered the assistant cashier to open the safe, pulled out a sack and started stuffing it with cash, bonds and cheques. All up he grabbed $12,000 in cash and $150,000 in bonds and cheques which is over $2 million in today's money. Oof! There's 7,000 people!

I guess that's not that much money if you spread it across 7,000 people I'm not doing the fucking maths I'm not a nerd What's that about? 300 bucks each? Not a bad little Christmas haul Whilst he was filling

his Santa's sack a crowd of armed locals and police officers said time to gather outside the bank. Armed locals? No, it's Texas. Remember, there's money on the table if you shoot a bank robber. Your family will be eating tonight. You'd just hang out around the bank, wouldn't you?

There's a lot of armed men. Just like, but like looking inconspicuous, you know? You're being robbed in there? Tying their shoe for four hours. Waiting for something suspicious to happen. Inside 21-year-old bank robber. Hill was startled when he saw someone outside the window

and he fired a shot through it and then a shot was returned. Was it... It would be very funny if it was just his reflection. What's that? Like a dog getting... And he keeps shooting because it's shooting back at him. Mirrors don't reflect bullets, Dave. Like that...

Alright. Wait, do they? The mirrors? Yeah. Have you been shooting at mirrors again? Matt, stop. So now three shots had rung out. Louis Davis, the robber who'd asked for no gunfire,

was already disappointed and was only going to get a lot worse. Oh no. Hill fired several more shots into the ceiling to show that they were armed even though he'd already shot through the window nothing shows your arm more than ruining a beautiful corner oh beautiful art deco ceiling oh what a waste now one of the other robbers helms began shooting up and down the alley. He had a pistol in each hand and would kick the screen open, then fire first one way and then the other. It sounds like they've got really distracted here.

Yeah. They were there to take the money, now they're just shooting at everything. And they have got the money, don't they? They've got the money. So why aren't they leaving? Because it's pretty badass to shoot one way and then shoot the other and then close the screen door. That is pretty badass.

Yeah, that's badass. Are they back to back? Or front to front shooting? That's nice. But it's just one guy trying to do all the roles. Oh, yeah, okay. It's actually quite sad. Yeah.

The sound of the gunfire attracted the attention of more armed locals who also flocked to the bank. Remember, there's a $5,000 reward if you shoot a bank robber, which is, and I did say before, that's $75,000 today, and it was specifically called the Dead Robber Award. It's an award. I'm very creative. It's an award.

But did you know that you get a medal and stuff? That's sick. A little plaque? Yeah. That's nice. I'm an award. But did you know that you get a medal and stuff? Yeah. That's sick. A little plaque? Yeah. That's nice. I'm interested now. Yeah, you love awards. Before, I'm like, I wouldn't kill a man.

That's because you hate rewards, but you love awards. I love awards, yeah. Oh, yeah. You get a trophy, it'd be fantastic. Yeah. I should say man or woman. I know women can bankrupt as well. I want to make that very clear.

Very much an equal opportunist when it comes to these things. As a feminist of the podcast, I will speak up for women here today. Can Rob Banks in 1920s Texas. And should. And should. If you're listening right now, pick up a weapon. Get down to your local bank. I'm talking to the women now.

Lean in and listen to what I'm saying. Ladies. Ladies. Pick up a weapon. If you're in America, I'm joking. Okay, this is I forget that this does go outside. Yeah, so no.

Just a little joke there. Please don't. I would feel pretty bad. Do you? The women of America. on release of this episode, there was a spray all of a sudden. Yeah. They'd feel pretty powerful. I'd feel awful. Yeah.

Awfully powerful. Yeah. Dave, do go on. More gunfire returned from outside, and despite the bank being full of hostages a full firefight broke out It's estimated up to 100 armed people had turned up

and there's reports of shotguns being passed out by a local hardware store Here you go Oh I forgot my gun, don't worry mate I've got you covered That's fucked The Texas State Historical Association reports that the robbers then forced

all of the people in the bank out the door and towards their car Several of these hostages were wounded as they emerged into the alley, including Alex Spears the bank manager So within a few minutes he's gone from hello Santa to being shot in the leg There was a shootout as the robbers made their way to their car

and both Chief Bit Bedford and Deputy George Carmichael were mortally wounded. They died a few days later. Bedford had been shot five times. It really felt like you were building up Bit Bedford as the hero. He died straight away. I was going to say it's like that movie, but that would really ruin the movie. I'm thinking I'm so won't. You know the hero. He died straight away. I was going to say it's like that movie but that would really ruin the movie. I'm thinking I'm so won't.

You know the one. You know the one. The one where there was a ghost all along. Yeah. Big Bedford. Yeah. The friendly ghost. So now they've murdered two high ranking police officers. So it's not looking good if they ever get

caught. Can I just have just a quick check-in? Yeah. Are you feeling good about this Christmas end-of-year report? I've got to remind you all that he is still wearing a Santa suit. Okay. Honestly, I think this is the most Christmassy Christmas special we've done in about three years. Yeah, that's not wrong.

Yeah. If on the recording underneath you could just put some of those jingle bells. Yeah, that's not wrong. If on the recording underneath you could just put some of those jingle bells. Yeah, that should be fine then. That's great. Just keep the cheer going. During the confusion and walk to the car, most of the customers and bank

employees who'd been hostages escaped. Good news. However, two young girls got banned. They're going to be fine. Don't worry about them. Laverne Comer and Emmy May Robertson who were 10 and 12 were taken into the car as hostages. Oh no. Again, they're going to

be fine. I'm starting to think these guys aren't that nice. Don't jump to any conclusions. Come on. We're only halfway through here. All bank robbers are... What has that end? Can't be

bastards. Thank you. So that's ABAB. ABAB. ABAB. ABAB. Dave, I know this one's going out on Wednesday, but can you edit me out? I'll just cut you, Mark.

Ali, we don't need to record Matt's mark. I think you can just turn that one off. I'll stay, but... No, you're doing great. You're doing great. Don't you dare do that. Don't you dare. Have a little beer.

You'll be right. If we do cut Matt's mic, the people at home will still think I'm cool and that I've had sex, so that's pretty good. Yeah. So that's tempting. They will never think that.

The people will still think I'm cool and I've had sex. Alright, Cobra. Thank you. Thank you. To the person who hasn't seen the show before, Dave has tried to get a nickname off the ground calling himself Cobra.

That's the first time it's happened. Yeah. It felt so good. It felt so good. Again from the Startling Detective article from 1930. I haven't found it at all startling. So for context, they've just rushed into the car

Hostages in tow R.L. Day, a restaurant owner Had arrived on the scene without a weapon So he took a pump gun Like a shotgun from the hand of another citizen Marching steadily up the alleyway Towards the banded machine Fuck, that's cool

And aimed it squarely at Hill Who was at the steering wheel And then Day asked How do you work this darn thing anyhow? The steering wheel? Oh, they're in trouble. Because the man with the shotgun had no idea how to fire it, so the car sped away before he could work it out. But he just took it off somewhere.

He's like, I'll take it from here. Oh, no. I don't know how'll take it from here. Oh no. I don't know how to use it. Shot himself in the chest. All in all about 200 shots had been fired into the bank. Sorry. Imagine that

paint job you have to do. A lot of bank clubs in here. You're just saying into the bank. Oh no, not that. Not the bank. Not the beautiful bank're just saying end of the bank. Oh, no, not that. Not the bank. Not the bank. Not the beautiful bank. Oh, was it one of the big four?

Oh, no. How will they recover? Oh, no. Through fees? Oh, I hope they put interest rates up. Oh. You bank lovers. So now on the run

in the car, they took stock and realised that Marshall Ratliff, aka Santa, had been partially wounded. I say that, he'd been hit in the leg and the jaw with a bullet, but he was still mobile. So in comparison to 22-year-old Louis Davis, he was fine because Louis had been hit severely and was

in a very bad way. He was the guy who said no gunfights. Yeah, yeah okay yeah and he he hasn't been shooting still no he hasn't been shooting but people have been shooting into him okay was he clear because i mean if he wasn't clear no shooting into me then i think you know you got to read that fine you got to read that fine yeah that's true you got to communicate you got to communicate but fine, Fred. You've got to read that fine. Yeah, that's true. You've got to communicate. You've got to communicate. But they'd made it out of the bank, so things were looking up until they realised that one of their tyres had been shot out. And also, they were almost out of gas.

I hope someone got fired for that blunder. You've got to look after the basics, don't you? I'd like to think they were waiting for the price of petrol to go down. That's a lot. Really, someone had just forgotten to fill it up after their 200-mile drive from Wichita Falls. Okay. Whoops.

There wasn't a BP along the way that also had, like, a Macca's. Yeah. And also one of those Oliver's, and you're like, I'm not going to fucking Oliver's. Who goes there? Who goes there? Oh, do I want a salad or do i want chippies chippies

oliver's is almost definitely a drug front don't you reckon yeah i've never seen anyone go there but they're still there they're still there

yeah we know what's up oliver's if you go and you actually order a salad they panic yeah they're like oh this is all cardboard up all of this. If you go and you actually order to sell, they panic. Like, um... I could do

some cocaine if you... It's a 15 year old just panicking. Take whatever you want. So the Crimms drove to the edge of town knowing they were pursued by a town mob who were following on foot. The mob was chasing after them but the car has no tyre The Crimms drove to the edge of town knowing they were pursued by a town mob who were following on foot. What?

The mob was chasing after them, but the car has no tyre and no petrol. Yeah, okay, so they might get them. So they're like, alright, we need a new car. Still dressed as Santa, Marshall approached the Harris family in their car and then pulled a gun on them. The car, for some reason, was driven by a 14-year-old boy. Do you love Texas during this time? A boy named Woody, who gave up the car, but in doing so, grabbed the keys and then ran off with them. He'd run clear by the time they realised, so they had to pile back into the original car that was now running on fumes.

Woody. Woody's like, yeah, take it, no worries. Grab the keys. That is fucking badass. That is good. Woody. I like to think he did that accidentally and then people said, that was smart. He was like, yes. Yeah.

He was chasing after them with the keys. You forgot these. I'm so sorry. It's my first day driving. That actually took a bit of time to get out of one car, steal it, then back into the original. So the mob had caught up and another firefight broke out. This time Hill was shot in the arm.

So now three out of four of the robbers have been shot. Okay. Louis Davis, who was severely wounded, the one that didn't want the firefight, and not getting any better, he was abandoned in Woody's car. And the three others

were only narrowly able to drive away in the original getaway vehicle. Davis later died that evening. Oh no. That sucks, Dave.

You have ruined Christmas. What a devilish grin that was. You know it too. You came here, you meant to do this. I thought it was accidental. One time, you did a live Christmas one where we had five unsolved murders

of young women on Christmas. Don't you give me that. Don't you give me that. It really sucks that you have a memory It really Jess you never would have been able to throw that at me But hey you dog I don't even know your name

The middle of it was about fruitcake Yeah Back to the brutal murders Yeah that was bad That was bad It was really funny It was so grim It was funny

Yeah well now I understand that That's how you think After today Awful stuff From a bad person Sorry Everyone was singing

I just had to say So Davis has died But he wasn't the only Thing that they left In Woody's car Thing? What is wrong with you? Oh fuck off

He is a human being After driving off They realised they'd also left Santa's sack full of money Whoops So now there is no loot. Oh, good. And it was quickly returned to the bank.

You'd love that, wouldn't you? Yeah. Give it back to Nab. What's your favourite bank? Let's go round the room. What's your favourite bank? Yeah, I don't like the big four. I like underground

makes probably haven't heard of them is that why you got hacked and lost all your money is that a publicly known thing that was one of the big four I left them they were unhelpful

yeah yeah that's fair it was over I had no money for Christmas that year. All right, he's fine. I got it back now, but... There wasn't a... Honestly, I was wearing brown clothes

with my pockets turned out and everything was sepia-toned and I was looking through the window and my name was Tony Tim. Yes! So they've lost the money. Now they are just striving to not get arrested and probably executed. Anyway, after driving a few miles, the car turned off the road

but soon encountered impenetrable bush. They didn't have any fuel left anyway. There's some joke about you being a virgin there but I I don't even think I need a form but I think everyone sort of just knows. Everyone went there again. I just needed to verbalise it because everyone was going

Someone's there! Someone's there! Most of the things I say, that's what I'm thinking. I'm like, everyone's thinking this, I'll say it. And tonight there's been three or four where everyone's like, no one was thinking that. None of us were thinking it. We do not appreciate you saying it. It was bad.

So they leave their car because they hear they've heard other cars pursuing them. And the three robbers told their two young hostages, the little girls, to lie down in the car and wait there. And then the robbers fled on foot. The girls were found physically unharmed. They're all good. Just mentally scarred. Yes, but... Oh, they never recovered. No.

Never went to a bank again. And they're still alive, age 118. Can you believe that? Wow. I know a guy who might be interested named Ripley. Is that his name? Fuck. It was also at this point that Marshall...

He's just having such a bad time. Mate! Get festive. It's my Christmas gift. Is your hat so hot? Mine is so hot. I'm burning up. My head is cooked. But I look great. You look so good.

Your sequins. Beautiful. We're wearing Santa hats. For the people not here. That's why everyone's been looking at us so sus tonight. What are they up to? For the people not here, I'm wearing a full Santa suit. And I have a gun in my pants. It's been loaded for 31 years.

It's fun. It was also at this point that Marshall abandoned the Santa suit. Good call. Sorry everyone. Christmas is over. But it's still Christmas time, I'm assuming. For the next several days, including over Christmas Day, I'm really trying to bring it back here, the wounded fugitives made their way hiding

throughout the thick bush in the region. Several hundred people searched for the fugitives and it quickly became the largest manhunt ever seen in Texas. Wow. It brought out a plane and bloodhounds to aid in the search. It was big news. People really wanted to shoot these guys. Yeah, really wanted to shoot them.

But with the hills, the canyons and the caves, there were a million places for the men to hide. At one time, a member of the posse stood on top of a big rock under which helms and hill were crouched, but they were left unseen. Because they crouch. That's clever. Yeah.

I was thinking before when they forgot to put in petrol and they left the money behind that they were kind of silly, but they're crouching. Back thinking they're maybe masterminds. It's all part of the plan. Yeah. I'm looking forward to seeing how they bring it all together. Why? I mean, they're maybe masterminds. It's all part of the plan. Yeah. I'm looking forward to seeing how they bring it all together. Why?

I mean, they're on the run now. They must feel good about that with all the money they've stolen. Yeah. So, yeah, they'd be able to just buy their freedom or whatever. Stay in a hotel. Easy. Yeah. You'd be feeling pretty good.

Yeah. Are they feeling good? Do we know? Yeah. They're shot. They're on the run. Yeah. They've got no money. Yeah. Nailed it good, we know? Yeah, they're shot, they're on the run, they've got no money, they've lost their Santa suit.

But they haven't lost their Christmas spirit. That's right. That's the one thing that kept them going. Two more men were wounded in the manhunt from accidentally discharging their own weapons. So, they accidentally shot themselves. weapons. So they accidentally shot themselves.

The outlaw trio stole... That's funny. That is funny. It's funny. Undeniably funny. The outlaw trio stole two more cars, including one driven by Carl Wiley, forcing him to drive and take him hostage for 24 hours. Wiley later

recalled, the robbers had two or three shotguns, a rifle, many pistols, and a sack of ammunition. They also had two oranges, but did not offer me one. Wiley! I can't believe these three robbers didn't offer me some of their two oranges. The biggest crime they committed was being selfish. You've got to share your oranges.

Despite the lack of oranges, they forced Wiley to drive on. I also love this quote from the Texas Historical Association. They then let Wiley have his car back and stole another car. You can have it back now. So generous. By this time, though, the men, especially Marshall, Santa Claus, Ratliff, were not doing so well. They were wounded, didn't have any food,

they're eating the oranges, and were battling icy conditions. Eventually, a sheriff ambushed them by a river. Another car chase followed with a shootout in a field as the three tried to make their escape. Marshall was hit and fell to the ground and was finally captured. Helms and Hill were also wounded by shotgun fire but escaped again. The two made it to the town

of Graham. Oh, beautiful name for a town. Beautiful name for a boy or girl town. Graham. So they made it to Graham. They were tired and injured. They were taken into custody. I just quickly, walking here, went past a massage parlour called

Phillip. I thought that was so funny. It's called Phillip. Oh, here's my massage parlour. It's called Phillip. It's so weird. What? That's a terrible name. That's so weird. Phillip!

Does it cost more to see Phillip? Oh my god, yeah. We are named after our favourite royal That's so weird. Philip! Does it cost more to see Philip? I assume so. Oh my God, yeah. We are named after our favourite royal. God rest his soul. Gone too soon. Gone too soon.

It was a joke that was probably made at the time, but it's not a shame to do it again. So they got to Graham, but they were so tired they just gave up without a fight. So now they've all been arrested. They'd been on the run for a week. All in all, two officers were dead, six citizens wounded, one bandit slain, and the three others were wounded and captured.

I did, I'm like, that's so funny. I mean, is this funny? I'm not sure, but I'm like, why are they even bothering? They didn't get the money, but they had killed two cops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's probably a reason they're still being chased. They still robbed a bank. Yes. And so therefore, them getting killed still gets other people money.

And they're now murderers. Yeah. Kidnapped two kids. Yeah. Oh, the kids. Yeah, there were the kids. A few charges, yeah. There's a couple of things they got up to.

Yeah, there's a couple. Just a side note on Graham in Texas. Graham. Move over, Littlest Skyscraper, because Graham claims to be home to the largest downtown square in the United States. Wow. Add it to the tour list.

Largest downtown square. I'm sure that's a technicality. Yeah. That one's actually uptown, so ours is the largest downtown square. That sucks. It sucks, doesn't it? If you lived in a town and that was its claim to fame...

Well, I mean, we live in a place where the claim to fame is the beautiful laneways and the coffee. Yeah, I know. How awesome is that? I'll take a square, thank you. We've got Federation Square. Yeah. We've got Federation Square. We've got it all. We've got little skyscrapers.

That small bit next to the Rialto. Oh, the jewel in Melbourne's crown. Love the Rialto. Aren't we proud of it? Yeah, love that beautiful... We've got a tiny little hotel next to a freeway. That's fun. We've got things. We've got stuff. We've got a tiny little hotel next to a freeway. That's fun. Oh, yeah. We've got things.

We've got stuff. We've got culture. Yes. We've got concrete pools. Maybe. So the surviving robbers were all captured because they'd been brought in alive and because there were so many shooters at the bank,

it was impossible to determine who'd killed Louis Davis, so no-one collected the bank reward. Because an entire psychotic town turned up. We all shot him. Despite their ordeal as fugitives, the three men soon recovered from their wounds and were put on

trial. Henry Helms was identified as the one who'd killed the two officers, and he was sentenced to death. He attempted to plead insanity and muttered a chant under his breath repeatedly during the trial, saying, Ain't gonna sing. That was his three words.

But he was singing it, ironically. Ain't gonna sing! It's hard to mutter like that, but he could. But he did. He had a beautiful muttering voice. Haunting. Yeah. But he did. He had a beautiful muttering voice. Yeah. But the jury found him saying he was executed in the electric chair.

He is said to have had cabbage, sausages, tomatoes, coffee and pie for his last meal. So, what a guy. That's a feast. What a guy can get cabbage. He's like, to hell with the farts, I'll be dead soon. I'm going to leave you a nice little surprise when I pass you'll be cleaning this off the chair for weeks

nah good on ya Dave he was someone's son Robert Hill the youngest member of the group pleaded guilty to armed robbery was someone's son. Robert Hill, the youngest member of the group, pleaded guilty to armed robbery and begged for mercy. He received a sentence of only 99 years. He escaped from prison three times, but each time found himself

recaptured. After settling down a bit, he was paroled in the mid-1940s, changed his name, and became what the Texas History Online describes as a productive citizen. That's a happy ending. Similar to the one you can get at Phillip.

Phillip! No doubt, I should say, Philip is probably an upstanding masseuse and I know nothing of him giving happy endings. It's just an easy connection there between a thing I've said before and then Philip, I'm sure, gives you nothing but unhappy endings. Saved it. Finally, Marshall Ratliff,

the Santa Claus and mastermind of the whole robbery was also convicted and sentenced to death for his role in the death of the officers.

Little 10-year-old Emma May Robinson's testimony identified Ratliff as the man disguised as Santa and who'd robbed the bank and kidnapped her.

Good job. Good on ya. Good on ya. Ratliff appealed his caseised as Santa and who'd robbed the bank and kidnapped her. Good job. Good on ya. Good on ya. Ratliff appealed his case and when that failed, went for an insanity plea of his own and he muttered his own chant, which was, The Lord have mercy on my soul.

How did that sound, Matt? Sorry, I did zone off a bit. Because you said the woman who identified him his name was Emma May and in my head I'm going Emma May finger you and then I'm like that would actually

have sounded pretty gross and bad I didn't say it and then but I did go I was still thinking about it when you came back to me now we're all thinking about it

yeah and Emmy May is 10 years old pays to pay attention is 10 years old. Pays to pay attention. Emma may not do anything of the sort. All I heard was Dave said she was 118, but that might be now.

Yeah, that'd be now. Yeah. Sorry, everybody. But know this, listeners at home, Dave edits this episode, so if that was in, not on me. Oh, okay. That's how that works, is it? Pretty much, yeah.

I technically hit upload. It's all on me. Yeah. Yup. Yup. I don't know how to take that. So Ratliff, he pleaded insanity but they didn't buy it. But he did convince his jailers that he really was insane

as they had to feed him, bathe him and take him to the toilet because he refused to move. He was paralysed. But it was all an elaborate ruse and on November 18 he attempted to escape. He feigned paralysis and when the men came to help him he grabbed one of the guard's guns. He then fired three shots that mortally wounded one of his jailers

Tom Jones. Who by all accounts was a real sex bomb. Thank you. Thank you. Also a real foundling. That is a literary joke. A really nerdy one.

Anyone? It's one of the original novels. Tom Jones. Anyway, okay. Listen to Book Cheat. Thanks, everyone. A crowd gathered outside the prison. Outraged.

So they recaptured Marshall, but the crowd gathered outraged that Marshall had not yet been executed and that he tried to escape and he killed a jailer. The mob demanded Marshall be sent out. Inside, his jailer, Kilbourne, refused, but he was overpowered and the mob rushed in and found the prisoner. What? He was dragged behind a theatre that was reportedly putting on a play called The Noose,

which he's kind of at because the crowd strung him up and hanged him from a telephone cable. Fucking hell. Bob Justice. Merry Christmas! Jesus. Is this the grimmest topic we've ever done? No.

Not even in your top ten. Absolutely not Absolutely not Remember I did Dr. Death In the place where Dr. Death was from Yeah, they We realised that quickly That was no one That one never got released

Like many of his patients Hey, do you want to edit this one? No one was ever charged in connection with the lynching. Right. Fucking hell. But in 1967, a plaque was unveiled at the site of the robbery where the bank once stood. It reads, and it's still there,

scene of a daring Santa Claus robbery, December 23rd, 1927. Six people were killed, eight injured. Later, a mob lynched Santa when he broke out of jail. It says that on a sign. But his actual name. I know. It just says Santa. Young kids can read.

So Santa was lynched. What's lynched, mummy? What does that mean? What? Santa? I know, isn't that absolutely outrageous? And all in all, the Santa suit really, if you look back, was the group's undoing. If he hadn't dressed up as Santa, he wouldn't have attracted the attention of the kids, including

little Francis, who asked her mother to follow them into the bank, and Francis' mother was the one who went and told the cops and then everyone turned up. So he just had literally any other disguise. Moustache. Yeah, just a mow. Or a brown suit. Brown suit, turned out pockets. But honestly, we've got to commend him for spreading a bit of

Christmas cheer. That is the Santa Claus Bank Robbery! Dave Warnicke, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. If you came here hoping for warm and fuzzies, well, we delivered.

That's right. It was a beautiful story. Beautiful story. We might talk about Bing next year. That's what you want. You know we're running out of ideas when we do Bing

let's hear about the story of Bing yeah it gets more boring after you say his name see Bing heads in tonight Bing heads

that's fun that's a bit of fun thank you so much for coming out to our annual Christmas episode can we please thank Comedy Republic

a fantastic venue for hosting us they do comedy all year round in Melbourne we absolutely love this venue thank you so so much

pretty much every day of the year pretty much next year post COVID I think COVID's now ending yeah COVID's done yeah if you like comedy, you'll see the biggest comedians in the world

will be on this stage any time. If you're ever like, I need, I've got a hot date. I've just been on Bumble and I need to take my man to a hot date. Well, look no further than this place. Genuinely, this is a great venue. Anyway.

That's based on a true story alright thank you so much there's no better place to bring a hot date than here and seeing some losers on stage you're gonna look cooler

you're gonna look way cooler you'll look cooler you might come here and I'll be here going oh anyway who's thought about lawns yeah genuine bit I'm working on

is about lawns. It doesn't matter, but... If you bring a date here, you see three virgins on stage and they will want to fuck. There's no aphrodisiac, like... Aphrodisiac. Food at home.

Thank you so much. Merry Christmas. Good night. Good night. Woo! We can wait for clean water solutions Or we can engineer access to clean water We can acknowledge indigenous cultures Or we can learn from indigenous voices

We can demand more from the earth Or we can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Three, two, one, and you're back in the room. Whoa. Hey. Three, two, one, and you're back in the room.

Whoa. Hey. That was just in your heads that we just did a live show in front of a beautiful Christmas-y crowd. How did you do that? Yeah, magic. Wow. Of the mind. Wow.

Mind magic. I'm using mind magic today. That's a big wow from me. Yeah. Well, I mean, why would we want to be back in the room after such an amazing show oh you wouldn't want to be that's cruel why are we what have you done well what we're doing here is just performing f performing everyone's favorite section of the show where we get to thank a bunch of our great supporters without whom we would not do this show.

It wouldn't be possible. We wouldn't exist. Without who we would surely be killed. The three of us would turn to dust if you ever stop listening. And supporting. So basically this is everyone's favourite section of the show. The first part we do is called the fat quote or question section which I think adds a little jingle

that goes something like this fat quote or question ding he always remembers the ding Christmas ding he always remembers that Christmas ding so the way this works

is people who support us at dogoonpod.com or patreon.com slash dogoonpod there's a bunch of different rewards bonus episodes you've got the Facebook group Support us at dogoonpod.com or patreon.com slash dogoonpod. There's a bunch of different rewards, bonus episodes. You've got the Facebook group, which is the nicest place on the internet, and all sorts of other things.

You get access to tickets before anyone else. We sold, I think, about three quarters of the show we just recorded from releasing it on Patreon first. Yeah, that's right. They were the first people to know about their life as we do. And, yeah, the first thing we like to do here is the fact, quote or question section, which is if you sign up on either of those websites on the Sydney Scheinberg level, you have to give us a fact, a quote or a question,

sometimes a brag, sometimes a suggestion. And you also get to give yourself a title and I'll read them out for the first time on the pod. So if I stumble, just go easy on me. Yeah, all right. All right? I will savage you. Take a chill pill.

Yeah, Dave is a notorious savage. The first one comes from Ben Oliver, and Ben has got the title Very Average Joseph. I don't know if I get it, but I love it. I find it very funny. Well, you never know. It could come up. It's often explained, not always, in the fact, quote, or question.

In this case, it's a quote, which we don't get heaps of. Here it is. Quote, when you're in jail, a good friend will bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, damn, that was fun. That's a quote from Groucho Marx. On your Groucho. That's a good quote, Ben. Did not clear up the very average Joseph at all.

Do either of you get that? No. This is an average Joe. Oh, okay. But maybe this one's short for Joseph. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah. If you know a Joe, there's a chance he's a Joseph. Oh, okay. But maybe this one's short for Joseph. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah.

If you know a Joe, there's a chance he's a Joseph. Oh, my God. Or a Giuseppe. Apologize to the people briefly yelling at their iPods there. Thank you very much, Ben. Oliver, you are no average Joe Schmo to me. Next one comes from Detective Herbert Covington. Great to hear from the detective.

The detective has given himself the title Official Assistant Detective to Detective Woof. Oh, well, Detective Woof needs all the help he can get. And Detective Herbert Covington has asked the question, Hey, guys, this is my first fact quota question. Welcome, Detective Herbert. Says, I'm so psyched to be here. Anyways, I'll get right to it.

What's your dream crossover of two fictional characters or properties, no matter how wacky or impossible? Oh. Anything goes here. Or properties, like houses. houses yeah that's right obviously we would like uh the house where doogie hauser grew up mixed in with the adams family mansion you nerds don't get it in my world the world of comic books and movies and stuff like that properties are like they're like characters i characters. I think they're pretty much characters still.

Characters slash properties, which I think sort of means characters. What I like that's happened in a comic book world is they've really just got down a business. These aren't characters anymore. They're properties. Yeah. Anyway. I think mine might be be I love a good mystery Yeah

And I love Oh my god Other mysteries I'm thinking of The X-Files Yes Solving a crime Yes

Enlisting the help of Hercule Poirot Yeah I love that That's great Scully being like I don't know Poirot Yeah

But Poirot Scully you have to use Your little griselle Wouldn't that They would be Kind of competing Because occasionally Yeah. Scully, you have to use your little grayscale. Wouldn't that, they would be kind of competing because occasionally it looks like it could be something that's a bit more mystical or mythical or whatever, otherworldly in Poirot and it always ends up, I was the butler with the tongs or whatever.

Yes, but in the X-Files it always ends up that Fox Mulder's wild theory is correct. It's true. So, yeah, which one would play out here? I don't know who would win because it would be like a really, maybe it would be a really wacky case. I think the funniest version of the show, because it would have to be played out for a bit of fun,

is Mulder thinks it's some wild, wacky, you know, some sort of haunted devil situation, and then Poirot comes in and proves that it isn't. And then it becomes a bit, and then also we cross over Scooby-Doo at the end. I was going to say that's a real Scooby-Doo. Whoa. There's a lot happening. That's so good.

I was going in the same place, but I was thinking getting like Poirot into like mixing with another big gun. So, you know, like an Avengers scenario with superheroes. I want like an Avengers scenario with crime solvers, detectives. So you've got Poirot, you've got Angela Lansbury, you've got Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers. The big three. I mean, I can't think of any other big ones. Quincy.

Doctor Diagnosis Murder. Yeah, of course, Mark Sloan uh like manics reg from the bill that's the crossover right there you know get them all in and i you know i'd still want japs to come in and go open and shut case pilo obviously this man did it and then um everyone going no no no you know all of them but they'd sort of yeah I think that could be fun

yeah it was like a reality show when everyone's in character trying to solve a mystery yeah yeah big fan of that yep maybe Steve Martin

and Martin Short and Selena Gomez Selena Gomez I can't do her voice anymore I reckon I nailed it briefly while I was watching that show I'm Selena Gomez. Selena Gomez. I can't do her voice anymore. I reckon I nailed it briefly while I was watching that show. I'm Selena Gomez. Yeah, there it is.

I've lost it. I think I've lost it. I think you nailed it. Jess, which show would you cross Poirot over? Baywatch. Oh, yes. I think. But also, they're in space.

Oh, Baywatch in space. Yeah, speech spaces. Space beaches. The Hoff and the Herc. The Hoff and the Herc. Yeah, that's good. You're not bringing Poirot into this, are you, though? Yeah, no, I am.

Oh, you are. Poirot and Baywatch in space. That was Dave's question. They're all Poirot spin-offs, obviously. David Suchet, David Hasselhoff. Well, I've got the detective. I mean, he probably would appreciate that. I'm putting Herbert Covington in my Avengers as well.

Oh, yeah? Fantastic. What about Columbo? One more thing. Who was the lawyer, Perry Mason? I'm putting him. Is he the one who would, like, throw a briefcase down when a guy said he'd broken his neck

and then the guy would turn his neck to hear the sound and be like, huh, neck doesn't look so broken now. That's good stuff. It sounds like one episode you saw once. I know, yeah. Every week. You know when you would do that every week? It was his thing.

It's his catchphrase. That's great. But I always ask and recommend, if you ask a question in this section, please also answer it yourself. And the great detective has done that. Writing, I always thought a Blues Brothers slash Ninja Turtles comic book would be super rad.

That is cool. That is fun. And one of my dream crossovers will always be David Suchet's Hercule Poirot and Batman from the animated series oh batman's in my avengers of detectives as well uh imagine the world's greatest detective solving mysteries together always i'd love to hear your picks cheers anyways i'd love to hear your picks that is so funny detective that we've gone in a very similar direction. Yeah, that's great. That's so good.

I love the idea of Blues Brothers and Ninja Turtles getting the band back together. Fantastic. Next one comes from Patricia Alexandra. Alexandra. Also a first timer into the Fat Quarter question. Patricia, given the title employee of the month Well done Patricia Congratulations

Hope that comes with a little bonus or at least you know a nice cup of tea A plaque A plaque Hey A mug Patricia we always believed Of course we knew but you know sometimes it's so nice to have that validation A lot of promise

Yeah From day dot That recognition is always nice. From day one, as I famously say occasionally. Patricia has offered us a brag. Is day one what I said that time? Yeah. Day one.

Day one. Still don't know what it means. That's the mystery. If someone could solve it. Patricia has bragged here. Yes. Writing, I became a $25 patron so I can brag. if someone could solve it. Patricia has bragged here. Yes. Writing, I became a $25 patron so I can brag.

My co-worker introduced me to you. Bracket, best thing ever. I love this podcast. Bracket. And this month he'll be leaving the crappy company. I wanted for him to hear a shout out from you awesome peeps. Congrats, butthole, you're free. I don't know if you can tell the parts that are in caps there.

Side note to you three, I hope this actually fits the criteria to be said on your podcast. If not, I understand with a shot. There's very little that we won't read out. A lot of checks and balances. I love it. I mean, especially seeing as I don't pre-read at all. Yeah.

There's no censoring. I think we can definitely say fact, quote or question, congratulations or suggestion. Yeah. I think that definitely... I mean, you can use it however you like. I mean, some people have done it in the past. You say whatever you want and call it a quote and then attribute it to yourself. Yeah, that think that definitely... I mean, you can use it however you like. I mean, some people have done it in the past. You say whatever you want and call it a quote

and then attribute it to yourself. Yeah, that's right. You know, everybody, put them up. This is a robbery. Me now talking to Dave. And then it says in brackets, Matt, you need a gun. Take Dave's money. And I'll have to do it because that's just the rules of the segment.

So, Dave, get your wallet out. All right, here it is. And we'd also like to say congratulations, Butthole. Yeah, Butthole, you did it. I can't believe it. Congratulations to you, Butthole. I love it. This is your chance to shout him out.

And you've gone, you haven't given his name. Yeah. I wanted him to hear a shout out from you awesome peeps. Congrats, butthole. You're free. That's so good. I'd get that tattooed, butthole. Congrats, butthole.

And if you're looking for a spot, just in a nice ring around the old. Finger. Finger. And finally, I'd love to thank Drew Forsberg, aka The White Album, who's offered a quote, which is, I'd love to thank Drew Forsberg, AKA the white album, uh, who's offered a quote, which is how about a magic trick?

I'm going to make this pencil disappear. That's from the Joker. The pencil trick is not only the best scene in the movie, but the Joker's line setting it up contains a question plus a prediction that becomes fact spooky. Also in case my attempt at a little, at a title joke was too obtuse, I apologize to you. Wait, did I read the...

Yeah, the White Album. Okay, sorry. I can't remember moments ago. In case my attempt at a title joke was too obtuse, I apologize to you, but I won't explain it because that always kills the intended humour. Cheers and be great. Also known as The White Album.

Drew Forsberg, also known as The White Album. That is good stuff. That is good stuff. That is good stuff. I won't explain to the listeners because that will ruin the joke. If you don't get it, you don't get it. That's all right. Very well played.

Because The White Album is self-titled. Self-titled. So I'm guessing it's something to do with that Also known as the White Album Because technically it's called The Beatles Yes Also known as the White Album Anyway, I think if that is the joke

I did just explain it So I apologise The other thing Another thing we'd like to do Is thank a few of our other great supporters Jess, you normally come up with a A little game for their name. A name game, if you will.

A name game. And it's got to be sort of Christmassy this time. Yeah, well, we did a beautiful Christmas live show that we all enjoyed and loved and were there at. What if we gave them like a Christmas elf name? I love it. I love a Christmas elf name. Can you give me an example? No, I'll just do the first one.

Okay, great. I'll show you that way because I've got one in my head. I don't want to use an Christmas elf name. Can you give me an example? No, I'll just do the first one. Okay, great. I'll show you that way because I've got one in my head. I don't want to use an example and burn it, you know? Well, the first one could, I reckon, be a slightly elfish name. From Melbourne, Max Massingham. Oh, that's cute. Jingles. Oh, okay, I see.

Yep. Jingles the elf. That is quite different to Max Massingham. Max? I went to primary school with a guy called Max Massingham. He's from Melbourne. I can't believe there'd be too many Max Massinghams. I wonder if, that would be amazing, Max.

Wow. I remember we played, we'd trade Pokemon cards. Is that you, Max? Let me know. Whoa, that's cool. And sorry, actually, Dave, what you should be saying is, is that you, Jingles? Is that you, Jingles? That's beautiful. Jing sorry, actually, Dave, what you should be saying is, is that you jingles? Is that you jingles?

That's beautiful. Jingles, not Max. His name is Jingles. Sorry, Jingles. I missed that because I was so enamoured being like, is this the Max Massing here? I'd also... No, it's Jingles.

Hey, even if it isn't the Max, you are the Jingles and we love you. Yeah, we love you for that. I'd also love to thank from Atherton in California, I think, in the US, Kendall Leveson. Holly Balls. Holly. Holly. Oh, that's a good one.

You're cutting off balls there? Yeah, I'm cutting off balls. You're neutering this elf? Holly the elf. Holly the elf. Yeah. Yeah, that's beautiful. Just think of anything that would suit the elf afterwards, I reckon. Yeah. Jing Holly the elf. Holly the elf. Yeah. Yeah. Just think of like

anything that would suit the elf afterwards I reckon. Yeah. Jingles the elf. Yeah. Holly the elf. Right.

Yeah. Holly balls the elf. Silly. No good. That's a bit too silly. That's silly. I apologise for that. Finally for me

from Address Unknown can only assume deep within the fortress of the elves it is Matt Byrne. Matt Byrne. Matt Byrne. Okay.

Dr. Prez. Short for presence. Dr. Prez the elf. Dr. Prez the elf. He's a doctor. Dr. Prez. Yeah. Doctor of presence. He's got a doctorate in giftology.

Wow. Well, that's what you need, actually. To be at a management kind of level as an elf, you've got to have your doctorate. Oh, certainly. You know? masters as a minimum yeah would you like to thank a few bopper obviously great elf name yeah but that one's taken by the next i've got one for the next one, I think. I would love to thank, from Rossendale in Great Britain, William Maudsley. William Maudsley.

What about Noggy? Noggy! Noggy! Obsessed with that, yes. And I've recently been obsessed. I've never had an eggnog, but when I was writing a recent report, I was distracted throughout the night looking up eggnog. Did you know that if you add alcohol to it, it's Wikipedia.org page, which is a great resource for Christmas effects.

It's known as a holiday sludge. Oh, that's gross. Wow. Sludge. Can I offer anybody a sludge? Anyone? We're done with our mains. Anybody need a sludge?

Ridiculous. Noggy's cute though. I asked on social media about it. I'm like, should I try it? And real split points decision on that one. I don't enjoy egg. And so the egg in eggnog has always really put me off but is it mostly egg i don't think it's mostly there's cream and other dairy products in

it and and sort of sweetness in there as well so i think it's quite a it's like a thick well it's a sludge and i think it's quite sweet and then sometimes alcohol as well as brandy or rum or something. Okay. I'm willing to try it. Maybe. I saw Bailey's one. Yeah. Bailey's inspired though. Inspired in this very small print.

Wow. Yeah. That's incredible and so dodgy. All right. William Maudsley. Noggy. Noggy. So cute.

I love that very much. I'd also love to thank from Barnet Also in Great Britain Katie Fitz Katie Fitz Tinsel Oh Tinsel I shit you not I was going to say Tinsel That's the one I've had in my head

For the last couple No I think I just gave you That information telepathically Oh my god Katie Fitz Tinsel How cute is that Tinsel the Elf

Tinsel Tinsel the Elf yeah I thought Fitz Tinsel Fitz Tinsel Thank you Fitz Tinsel Yes Stop it Try and put another one In my head for the next one Okay alright Thank you Katie I thought Fitz Tinsel. Fitz Tinsel. Fitz Tinsel. Yes.

Stop it. Try to put another one in here for the next one. All right. Thank you, Katie. And finally for me, I would love to thank from London. Oh, London. Also in the UK, Connor Kennedy. Pud.

Pud. Little Pud. Pud. Even Pudding is cute. Pudding the elf. Pudding the elf. Pud. Little Pud. Little Pudding the elf Little Pud Little Pud the elf

Oh my god, I just want to give you a little cuddle That's nice Little Pud One of Santa's great helpers Little Pud So cute Connor Little Pud Kennedy That's nice

Dave, do you want to thank some people? Bring this home. I'd love to. From Chicago, Illinois, big shout out to Copper the Coyote. Oh my goodness. Copper the Coyote. Okay.

That's fantastic. From the Windy City. What about Roast? Roast. Roast. Roast the Elf. He's the King of Sting. The Elf. Roast Pork. Roast. Roast the elf. He's the king of sting. The elf.

Roast pork. Porky. Porky. Porky the elf. Porky. There we go. We got there. Full title, roast pork.

But they call him Porky. Cute little nickname. Cop of the coyote. That's very good. I would love to thank... It's rare that it's a downgrade. I know. Call her Porky. I'd like to think It's rare that it's a downgrade I know Come on Porky

I'd like to think from Woolen Gabba in Queensland Catherine Grey Catherine Grey Home of the first Ashes Test last year Okay Woolen Gabba is where

the Gabba gets its name Yep International listeners might not know that Fun fact Oh that's fun We squeeze them in anyway This one is

Shane Warne the elf Warne The sheik of tweak The flipper What a flipper Flipper the elf Flipper the elf That's cute

Shane Warne's signature ball The flipper That's cute What's your signature ball? Mine's the flipper That's good stuff. He's like saying that morally or something. I mean, we always encourage people to answer their own questions.

Shane does it up top. He'd be a terrible host if he wants to be a millionaire. B, what's your answer? I'm looking at B, what's yours? Is it A? It's not Is it B? Yes

That's what I'd go for To be honest, I'd probably go with the one he didn't want Yeah, maybe And finally, I'd like to thank from What's this? Breitling In the Northern Territory Here in Australia

James Rogers James Rogers Bawble Oh, bawble Snowglobe In the Northern Territory here in Australia, James Rogers. James Rogers. Bawble. Oh, Bawble. Snowglobe. Snowglobe. Oh, I love Bawble as well. I think I really like Bawble.

Okay, great. Bawble the elf. Bawble the elf. Oh, gosh. That's cute. Come on, Bawble. We need your help over here. Bawble, okay.

There's a rocking horse that needs rocking a fart. Bawble, it's so here. Bawble, okay. There's a rocking horse that needs rockingified. Bawble, it's so good. Bawble. This is one of the best ones you've come up with in recent memory, I reckon, Boppa. Thank you. Thank you. I deserve that praise.

Can you now give me an elf name, please? Yeah, you are. That's you from Melbourne. We're calling him. You are. I just used Snow Globe and neither of you liked that. please yeah you are Matthew from Melbourne we call on him you are I just used snow globe and neither of you liked that I liked it I really like it you can be snow globe

Dave it can be something to do with sleigh makes me laugh it's a pun that's good or sleigh bell sleigh bell that Sleigh bell. That's cute because you go ring-ting-tingling.

Or you can be Little Drama Boy. You can be Pa-ru-pa-pum-pum the elf. You could be Little Drama Boy. Me? Because you were the drama captain. Little Drama Boy. You could be Michael Booblay. Oh, that's good. Michael Booblay.

Yes. He should change his name this time of year So thank you to James, Catherine, Copper, Connor, Katie, William, Matt, Kendall and Max We also need to welcome in a couple of new Triptych Club members If you don't know People who have been supporting us on the shout out level or above for three straight years get a one-way ticket to paradise which we call the triptych club and uh the way this normally works is i'm standing on the door in your mind i've got the velvet i've got the door list i read out the names everyone who's already in the triptych club is inside cheering you on.

Dave's on stage. He's going to really hype you up. Jess keeps Dave's juices flowing. Yeah. You normally also have a drink. What's your Christmassy cocktail you've concocted? Something with nog, surely. Yeah, we've got Bailey's inspired eggnog, but I will be spiking that with more Bailey's and probably cocaine, I think.

Okay. White Christmas. Yeah. I've also got a few different Christmas themed cocktails. There's the Mrs. Claws. There's the Jingle Balls. There's a few of them, actually. They're all red and green.

Yeah. And most of them are glittery. Oh, that sounds. But not with edible glitter. So do be careful. Try to sift that out. Each drink does come with a sieve. And Dave, you've normally booked a band.

Yes. We've got the king of Christmas songs himself, Bing Crosby is here. Oh my god. Yes, performing all the hits. White Christmas. Is he doing the Mariah Carey one? Yes. Yeah! Very good on that top note. Very good on that high note. Bing. Is he doing that duet

that awkwardly shot duet with David Bowie? Yes. I haven't seen that video but he will be doing that. Yeah, live. I'll be stepping in for Bowie. Yes, look haven't seen that video, but he will be doing that. Yeah, live. I'll be stepping in for David Bowie. Yeah, I'm looking forward to that. We could only resurrect one singer per episode. So I'm going to read out these names.

Dave, you're going to hype them up. Jess will hype Dave up. Here we go. First up, into the Triptych Club this week from Linbrook in Victoria, Australia, Nicholas Arnott. Saint Nicholas Arnott. Oh, my God. Yes. And from Merritt Island in Florida in the United States, Ryan Loveland.

More like Ryan Love You. Yes. We love you, Ryan. Welcome into the club. Make yourself at home. Have a fantastic Christmas. Also from Merritt Island, Merry Island. Yes.

Trying to get a Christmas theme in there. Oh, my God. Nailing it. Welcome in Ryan and Nicholas. Well, obviously, that does bring us to the end of the episode. We hope we've brought a bit of Krish Mish cheer this year. This is, I think, our seventh annual Christmas special. So, you can, of course, go back and listen to previous ones.

This one's probably the one we've released closest to Krish Mish. So if you are celebrating Christmas this weekend, we hope you have an absolute fantastic and safe time with your loved ones and family. Yeah, merry, merry Christmas to you. We normally do them earlier because I personally have probably the most Christmas cheer of the trio. Yeah.

But I lose it instantly. Throw the tree out the window. Midnight, sometimes even before midnight on Christmas Day. It just feels like the mist has gone and I'm like, why do I even care? The tree's out in the front lawn. I always have to go back and get it the next day because it is a reusable one

you haven't taken any of the ornaments off yeah but i just get furious so normally i like to put out the christmas episode with more time for me to enjoy it but we do have most of a week if you're listening on the day it came out um or maybe you're listening in a future christmas marathon and you're only halfway through yeah because you're we on the day it came out um or maybe you're listening in a future christmas marathon and you're only halfway through yeah because you're we're up to our 14th or 15th one in the future we'll be long dead i'm gonna live forever uh hopefully everyone has just a fantastic uh christmas or whatever you call your yeah whatever you celebrate whatever you're celebrating.

Yeah, holiday season, end of year. We just hope that you have a nice time. Yeah. And the next year is great for you. One of your best. The PC police are in the corner here pointing to a card saying happy holidays. Yeah. And we're saying, yeah, no,

good suggestion. Yeah. Haven't they ruined everything? Can't say anything anymore. Can't say Merry Christmas. But I do wish everyone a very Merry Holidays and a Happy Christmas. And in the meantime, if you want to get in contact with us or support us, you go to dogoonpod.com.

We've got links to all the stuff. This is our second last episode of the year so until next week for the final episode we'll say thank you so much and goodbye merry laters bye jingle We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow.

Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future.