Do Go On - 323 - The Theft of the Irish Crown Jewels

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

In 1907, precious jewels were taken from one of the most impregnable, well-defended, and heavily guarded buildings in Ireland. But who took them, and how the bloody hell did they pull it off?Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: dogoonpod.com or patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/Submit-a-Topic Stream our 300th episode with extra quiz (and 16 other episodes with bonus content): https://sospresents.com/authors/dogoon Check out our AACTA nominated web series: http://bit.ly/DGOWebSeries​ Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader Thomas REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/irish-crown-jewels-theft.amphttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irish_Crown_Jewelshttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arthur_Vicarshttps://www.irishtimes.com/culture/the-mystery-of-the-missing-crown-jewels-1.1055099 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serengy Amarna 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. Hello and welcome to another episode of Doogone. My name is Dave Warnocky and as always I'm here with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins. Hello. Hey Dave.

I love her your eyes said, Matt, be serious. No, my eyes actually said, I'm loving this. Loving that energy. Yes, bring that in. Some laughs. I'm living, I'm laughing. I'm loving. Oh, okay.

You're living for you. Yes. You're laughing at Dave. Yes. You're loving me. Yes. Okay. Some forever on here.

And I'm lamenting, sharing all of that. Yeah. I feel too vulnerable now. Yeah, I'm going to lord that over you. Remember that time you loved me? Hey, would I blow anyone's mind if I told you that this is the last episode for the year? I would not blow my mind, Dave, because I told you that. Hang on, Matt.

Did you hear you just say that? I mean, yeah, for the point of this conversation, no. No. Wow. Exciting, isn't it? Another year under our about say. Honestly, 2021 though. Can you fuck right off, can't it?

Because people said 2020, what a great year. And I'm like, well, 2021 said, hold my beer and it was even better. Yeah, exactly right. So you think we're on an upwards trajectory? I think we're going upwards to the sky. Yeah, when I say, when I say you can fuck right off, I just mean because I'm so exhausted from all the fun I've had. Yeah, that's right. Give me a restful year.

Oh my God, the travel I've done. It just, I haven't stopped. I've barely been home. Couch to the kitchen. back again. Oh, back again. Into the study, going, what do I come in here for?

And then I leave and then five minutes later, I go, oh, I was to get the stapler. And then I go, what I need a stapler for? And on and on it goes. You're walking to the study, you're like, I need my passport to go in here. Yeah.

Bit of fun. It's fun to be in that little nook between Christmas and New Year. Oh my God. What a time. What a time. It's a beautiful time. It's a very chilled out time.

It feels luxurious. Doesn't it? Like, we've just got endless space and time. You're still in a bit of a food cone from Christmas. Oh yeah. But you're gearing up for a big New Year's. I know you loved a party on a New Year's match to you.

Well, what about me? I party. Yeah, the countdown at midnight is a countdown to me starting to party. Yeah, Dave. Some people say that as the end of the night. Dave is a big boy. He stays up for the children's fireworks at 9pm. And then...

Well, straight to bed, my goodness. It's too much. It's too exciting. Too much excitement for the little fella. We cut the crust off his bread and then he just... Off he goes. Yeah, he gets. It's a bit over, what am I saying?

Stimulated. It's the one night of the year we'll let him have a little bit of red cordial, very diluted, but he loves it. A couple of red frogs. Always ends in tears. It does, but he loves it. I love to start the new year in tears. Happy new year. I hate the idea that I'm...

Happy new tears. Oh, maybe that's been my problem all along. You know how people say like what you're doing at midnight on New Year's is sort of, like, sets the tone for your year? I'm just always tired because it's late. Maybe that's why I'm always tired. What a funny tone to set. Sort of like feeling a little disappointed.

It's always a letdown. What are we here to do today? Something a little different, I think. Really? If you want, I can explain how this show works for any new listeners. Please. Because no doubt it's some fantastic topic and we've got a few new listeners in today. The way it works is one of the three of us reports on a topic.

We've gone away. We've researched it usually based on a listener suggestion. And then we come back and we do sort of like a little school report almost. like in a high school oral presentation. Only the class are a couple of absolute douchebags who will not shut up, stop interrupting. If it was real laugh, we'd be straight to detention.

Yeah. Go to the Mr. Belding's office right now. Don't like crusty or Dean. Mr. Belding. Yeah, it'll say by the bell. Reference there. Screeches there. Bell ding.

Oh my God. Bell ding. He always remembers the ding. Like a bell goes ding. That's right. That show had so many levels. We always start the report with a question. The other two don't know what the topic is.

Jess, you're doing the report this week. Do you have a question? Yes, I wrote it just before. And the question is, what was reportedly stolen from Dublin Castle on the 6th July 1907? The Stone of scone. It's not the stone of scone.

Stone in some ways. The drawbridge. Not a drawbridge. That's like you'd be stuck inside. Some sort of tablet? A tablet, no. Maybe the Last Crusade. What's that thing they're looking for?

iPad Mini. iPad Mini, that's it. It was a full-size iPad, actually. Oh, okay. So close. A pro. Now, what could be stolen from a castle? Oh, a throne of Skone.

What's like, yeah, think of like the really... Crown? Crown jewels. Yes! The sceptor. No, the crown jewels. The crown jewels. But is it the sceptor?

It is not a scepter, unfortunately. The Irish crown jewels. round jewels. Correct. Correct. Correct. Exciting. So this has been suggested by four people, Vinnie Polly Castro, Gen B, Brie, and Victor Gamino de Manuel.

Oh, you said the best for last there. Name-wise. The others understand. They're all fantastic. The others understand that. But I did feel like you would... Gen B gets it. The way that read was like a bit of a short...

Like a poem. Can you read them again just quickly? No. mostly because I've definitely butchered the pronunciation of a few of them. Gen B. Gen B. Is that my saying that right?

Did I do it? Gen Bee what? Gen Bree. Brie's the next one. Anyway, so the story became famous as the theft of the Irish Crown Jewels. But they weren't actually referred to as such prior to their disappearance. Oh, was it like the Irish Chamber Pot?

Before that... It was the Irish Chamber Pot. that decided to sort of jazzed up a bit. There's a really, really great article. It's like when they're talking to the insurance company. Like, oh, yeah, no, no, not chamber. Chamber pots, what we call it. It's actually crown jewels.

Really expensive and imported. It's worth several hundred. Priceless. Ruby's and the blue one and the green one. It definitely wasn't something that we shat in the middle of the night. No, no, no, no, no. It was very precious. There's a really great article written on Atlas Obscura.

I'll link it in the show notes but I refer to it quite a bit it's really great. It's written by Dan Nossowitz. Oh, what a man. Dan the man. Dan the man. And Dan writes,

The Irish Crown Jewels were an insignia of the most illustrious order of St. Patrick, the most important chivalric order in Ireland. They were worn by the most important person in the order,

which was usually the sovereign, at the order's most important ceremonies. Are you getting the word important coming up a few bit here? Yeah, this feels important. It was a member's only club, founded in 1783 with the English sovereign as its head and it was made up of the highest ranking members of the Irish aristocracy. The jewels that was stolen were two heavily jewelled items.

There was a star that was, how specific is this? Four and five eighths by four and a quarter inches consisting of eight points, so four big points and then four smaller ones in front of it. And in the centre was a cross of rubies, And a trefoil. I didn't look up how to say that word, but of emeralds. It's like a three. It's always like a Mickey Mouse.

It's like a three. It's a three. What am I trying to say here? It sounds like a three-leaf clove. Yeah, yes, exactly right. Yeah. Surrounded by a sky, blue enamel circle with words, Quis, Sabara.

Disneyland. T.M. Property of Walt. It says, Queer Sepperabit M-D-C-C-L-X-X-X I-I-I Rose diamonds I got the kisses there

I-I-I-I-I-I That's what a lot of those Yeah, those years are in Roman numerals It's just like Yeah Too many And kiss kiss kiss kiss Like just fucking use numbers

Yeah What's wrong with them? What's going on? These are letters They're for words Oh my God Years are numbers Don't get started on algebra

So that was one of them It was a star The other one was like an oval shaped badge. It was set in silver, again, containing that clover in emeralds on a ruby cross and had the same saying the same... What was that saying? Queer Sepper Rabbit, MD-C-L-X-X-X-I-I-I. Do you have any idea what that means?

It just sounds like you're summoning a demon. I did read it at some point. It was the... What's the word I'm looking for? Like the Latin... It was like the motto, yeah. Fortius, no, Forteus, quo Fidelias. Yes, meaning?

Strength through loyalty. It's the St. Kilda Football Club motto. In brackets, shove this up your ass. Yeah, what? As was Ecclesia filia, daughters of the church. Oh, that's school motto. There's a school motto. Fortius, how am I saying that right?

Fortius quo Fidelius. I remember on an earlier episode I once said, and I'd always pronounce this way, 40s quo fiddleus and I got a message from someone and say that is not right Fidelius that is not how you say that in a dead language do they write it in Latin the letter you had to Google translate it I remember one time apparently my old man had to like when he went to church as a kid they had to know how to say the mass in Latin and I was an altar boy I don't know if I've told you this before but I did not really enjoy it and

tried to quit and they sort of wouldn't take no for an answer. They called the house. Dad's talking to the person who organizes them all. And I'm like, Dad, can you get me out of this sort of thing? And the whole family sitting around the table and he's having this like a conversation in the kitchen trying to be like, oh, you know, I was an older boy as a kid as well. I understand all this, but he really doesn't want to do it anymore. And he goes, you know, I used to say the lass in Matten.

and he didn't realize he sort of spoonerised it and we're pissing ourselves and he's trying to sound all you know intelligent and stuff and we, it's such a funny thing we gave him shit about that for so long even though he's in there you were doing the last in Matten

well he came back and said yeah you'll be there Sunday again if he came back with the goods maybe you wouldn't have caught the shit about it how much longer before you? You are taking no for an answer? Okay. Okay then.

How much longer before? before you were out. I can't remember. I remember at one point there was a deal made that I could stop going to church if I'd join the tennis team. I'm like, I will join that team.

That is a good deal. Yeah, they play tennis at the same time. Yeah, it's very funny like giving your parents shit for stuff and it's like, I was helping you. Yeah, I was helping you and it was just like a slip of the top. I taught you to talk.

You couldn't say anything. And now I say one thing, a bit muddled, and oh, talk of the town. Like 12 years, I'm going, oh, Dad, you said that funny? Yeah, you can't even. Your big squarehead? Or some sort of real big 12-year-old slur like that. Yeah.

Oh, you're dingus. What a slur. You thought you haven't roast chicken for dinner, but you roasted him that night. Roasted Dad. Anyway, so that's the two jewels that have been stolen. They sound majestic. They're very, yeah, there's something spesh. There's a lot going on.

They sound gaudy. There's a lot going on in this entire story. In the early 1900s, the jewels mostly stayed locked in a safe at a jewelers in Dublin. That jeweller had been the official watchmaker for Queen Victoria. Bevels. And had, please, Michael Hill, and had tight security in place to protect the precious items they were trusted with.

If the king, queen, or their representatives were visiting Ireland and wanted to wear the jewels, they would be moved to a safe... That's just so funny. I request to wear the jewels. I'm stopping in. Can you get the jewels ready? I want to chuck them on for a bit. Yeah, well, they would. They'd be like, hello, I'm going to need my jewels, please.

They would be moved to a safe that sat in Dublin Castle. Sorry, sir, can you just fill out this 16-page form, show me some ID? No, I'm the king. The queen doesn't have like a passport. Yeah, that's right. No passport needed. Just the queen. Faces a passport.

Imagine asking the queen for ID. Sorry, young lady. I don't know if I'm able to serve you. alcohol. I'm not to you follow. My face is on the money. That's how she sounds. So they'd be moved to a safe that sat in Dublin Castle,

an ancient complex that then served as the seat of the government island. The castle was full of military and police, serving as a headquarters for the Dublin Metropolitan Police. And the safe that held the jewels only had two keys. These keys were held by a man named Arthur Vickers. Arthur Vickers was the old star. King of Arms. How good is that title? Yeah. It's the highest of three levels of officers of arms and they usually enjoy

jurisdiction over a geographical area. So Dan Nossowitz explains it here. He says, this put him in charge of the rules and regulations regarding heraldry and family trees, a very important position in early 20th century island. He was the arbiter of inheritance. Most land, power and wealth were vested in the hands of the aristocracy, says William Dernam, a curator at Dublin Castle. And the question of who was the legitimate heir to an estate and a title carried with it the question of who would inherit a great deal of money. Because you know, back then it was like your title, you inherited a title from your dad

and with that came like a position in government. Right. Yeah. Good system. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Obviously you'd be passing on to your children, your titles from Sealand. Yes, that's right. Of course.

So. Lord. and Lady of Sealand. We're pretty important people. My son is going to have to take the name Lady Jessica Perkins. Jess's deed is right there. Yeah, sitting behind Dave there. Mine's also out on display in a cupboard.

I just have to find the right spot for it. Yeah, thank you. Are you going to pass on Master to your children? Does your card still say Master? One of them does, yes. Oh my God. They bank card. Still says Master, you're 31.

31 years old. And I even wrote to them once and said, can I get a new card that says Mr. And they said, no worries. We'll cancel that card. Then they sent out a new one that still said Master. So. Something one letter off.

Maybe they thought you were saying Master. What does it even say for Master? M-S-T-R. No way. Which is fantastic. So they sent out a new card and all I got was the privilege of having to update my auto-debets. So thank you.

That's really fun. STR could be Mr. It could be. But then I've also got other cards that say, MR, what's that mean? Surgeon. Surgeon. That's one of the gifts they gave to Jesus.

I've gone one beyond doctor. It's very funny that surgeons insist on being Mr. They insist on it. They insist on it. Doctor, Mr. Please. So, yeah, they... My father was a surgeon.

He had a... Vickers had this important job and from his spacious office in Dublin Castle he was well paid, well respected and passionate about heraldic history and genealogy Now what's heraldic? Fuck if I know. People, it's Harold's.

People named Harold. People named Harold's. No, it's like Harold. So it's like, it's a bit like genealogy. I think it's sort of like, it's, I think that idea of like the titles moving down. Right. Your origin, stuff like that.

In two words, absolute wank. Yeah, big old parlor wank. Absolutely. The real wank fest. The real wank fest. And I can imagine that he's also open to corruption. No, no, no, no. Give the title to me.

All right. Yeah, maybe. But he takes it very seriously. Is that what corruption is to you? Someone going, come on. Come on. Yeah, right. Yeah, right.

He's also easily corrupted. Fuck on hell. Corruption these days. Hey, hey, take this bribe. All right. Okay. What do I have to do for it? Nothing.

Just take it. Okay. So Arthur Vickers. He was 45 years old. and in the summer of 1907, he was going to have a very bad day at work. 1907. Yes.

Gotcha. So as I mentioned, the safe that held the jewels had two keys. Vickers, almost universally described as a pedant and nitpicker, wore one on a chain around his neck or in his pocket at all times. The other one?

Around his cock. Come and get it. Okay. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do? They try to get it. the one around his neck he swallows that and says you want to know where the other is? One left.

So is it the same key twice or is it one of those need to lock them both at the same time? No, I thought that and that was very cool but no it's the same key twice. He's just got like the spare. When you put them both in and say turn on three one, two, three and they're both turn. That's so cool. That's the dream. When we have a new office at Stupid Old Studios, which will happen

in a couple of months, can we have a lock on our door that is like that? Yeah. I'd love that. But three locks. We can't enter alone at any time. We have to wait out the front for the other two to arrive. Guys, come on. Mesa is filling in for one of us.

It's like, well, no recording today. Can't record. So thanks for filling in. But unless you want to like, don't want to do some admin. Nice to catch up. No, the other key was not around his penis, David. The other one was hidden his home in Dublin. Which is what he called his butt.

His home? My home. Sorry to take the episode It's so blue so early Sorry everyone It's very gentle blue It's very gentle blue It's like a gentle blue

It's like a sky blue It's like a soft blue Baby blue The castle was considered One of the most impregnable Well defended And heavily observed buildings in Ireland Also what he called his butt

Impregnable In the butt no babies Something he would say He would say Not me Not me Not you Love that

It's like It is Look at me like Oh I'm saying that It is an impregnable system. I keep the key somewhere in my house. It's under some papers. I've got one.

There's another one somewhere. Somewhere. If they get either of those, they'll be able to get it. Impregible. Impregnable. From the New York Times in 1907, Bedford Tower, which it will come up again in a sec, is the one building in the castle into which the most enterprising burglar

would find it hopeless to affect an entrance unobserved. That's real 1907. language. I love it. King Edward the 7th, Queen Alexander and Princess Victoria were due to visit on July 10 to make an appearance at the Irish International Exhibition, a grand world fair that ran from May to November, and performed some various royal duties while they're at it. Dan Nossowitz writes, the political relationship between Ireland and Great Britain was fraught with a rising tide of Irish nationalism competing with unionists who wanted to remain loyal to the crown. There had already been debate about how Irish or British the international exhibition should be.

There were separate pavilions for Ireland at Great Britain and the Irish War of Independence would erupt just over a decade later. So things are tense. On top of that, the King's nephew, Kaiser Willelhelm I was the second of Prussia, had just months before endured a massive political scandal, which I'll talk more about later as well. Ooh. A little sizzle.

King Edward was sensitive to controversy. He needed this visit to go smoothly. Now, good. It did not. Now, Edward, who's he to the current queen? Grandfather or? It's her grandfather, right? Because Edward the eighth is the son, abdicated.

Right. Then George Vth? I think so. George's sixth. Played by Firth. Yes. In King's speech. And then Lizzie.

Right. I think that's right. I think so, yeah. So he was the bearded one. That's Edward. Right? I don't know. I tried to look in.

It is hard to sort of... It's a pretty messy family tree. You know what I mean? There's so many of them. But think about how much messy it would have been if Queen Elizabeth I second hadn't been around for so, so long. Yeah, that's right. Or if they didn't inbreed.

Because that, I mean, it's not as complicated as most people's family trees, is it? True. And they have a lot of the same names. Right. So, like, there was a Princess Victoria just then. And I was like, oh, is that the Queen Victoria? No. Queen Victoria was King Edward.

mom I think Right Please don't yell at your iPods Please don't I'm doing my best We're in a hot room We're trying We're in the middle of summer

Okay We're doing our best I'm drinking a large milk I've been forced to drink this milk For the podcast I'm drinking milk for the podcast So we need to go back a few years To set a bit of context as well

So in 1901 Six years earlier the office of Ulster King of Arms was moved deeper within Dublin Castle from Birmingham Tower to Bedford Tower. Vickers suggested he get an apartment in the new building with free rent, obviously, and

also that the safe should be housed in a strong room, which is a fireproof, burglar proof room in which valuables are kept. The Board of Works at Dublin Castle rejected the apartment idea, but did agree that a strong room was a good idea. He's like, I should probably live here for free. Yeah.

Don't you reckon? Shouldn't you give me an apartment with that? for free. Maybe like with a cinema room and, you know, for the safety of the... For safety of the films. Yeah. Don't you think? Don't you guys? Don't you guys?

Don't you think? Just a free apartment. This actually wasn't my idea. It was just something I thought would be good for the country. Good for the country, good for the arms that I'm in charge of. I got a lot of work to do. Be good to be close. You know, reduce my commute.

So they're like, um, no. But a strong room is a great idea. Let's do that. Love that. There is a slight fact check. us give myself here. Please. We're talking about Edward the 7th.

Yes. Who is the son of Queen Victoria or the heir to Queen Victoria. Then after him it's George the 5th. He's the bearded one. Then it goes Edward the 8th who abdicated. Then George the 6th who is Queen Elizabeth's dad. That's what you said. I think I might have skipped over George the 5th.

Oh, man. Easy to do. Sorry about that everyone. He's the bearded one, right? Dave. Dave, don't apologize. Are you fucking looking up now who's bearded? They're all bearded at some point.

They are both bearded, Matt, so don't waste your time. Thank God. Thank God. The only one without a beard, Queen Elizabeth the second. Well, yet. That's not true. Oh, yeah, exactly. She's got time. She's got time to grow a beard?

Imagine if she just did a full fashion revamp. Don't you limit her. I would love if she just like shaved half her head. That'd be so cool. Just started wearing really bold glasses, like a very cool frame. Oh, man, that'd be cool. Lots of bright colors. She just went like full,

eccentric old lady. I would love it so much. Hell yeah. Just wearing Bono-style glasses. Yes. The fly. She dresses the fly. Or cream.

Cream. I'm cream. Irish listeners tuning in will be so stoked to hear. Oh, furious. Oh, no, they love Bono. Talking about their patron saint. God, they love Bono so much. Remember when he drove the rats out of Ireland?

So anyway, they're like, yes, a strong room's a great idea. It would be handy for. other valuables and manuscripts, all sorts of stuff can be stored in the strong room. Fantastic. Let's do that. So they went about building one in Bedford Tower. And when they went to move the safe in, they realized that an error had been made. Oh, it didn't fit through the door for me.

Correct. Measurements were all off. The safe would not fit through the door. Happened with my fridge. Yeah. Yeah. They measured it incorrectly. The process had already taken ages and it was too much paperwork.

It's taken ages. It's taken so long. It was a lot of people. They work an effort to fix a problem right away, so they opted to place the safe in the library and have a sentry guard it. So now they've got a strong room with nothing in it. It's stronger with other stuff in it, but not these crown jewels.

So the safe was going to go in the strong room, so it's like double security. That's very funny. But then the safe would not fit in. So they've just put that in the library, and they said, just have somebody watch it. Have somebody to keep an eye on that safe. Hey, Terry, stand in front of that for me.

Terry goes, well, stand close to it. Centurion. Now what is that? I didn't say that. I'm picturing like a guy with a broom on the top of his head? Yes. Like the old Roman guy? Is that what we're talking about? It's a century.

Yep. And it's just a guard. Oh, 100 years, yeah. I'm going to kill you. So this is a temporary move. So what? Nothing. I love you. This is a temporary move, obviously, just until they could figure out the best way to get the safe through the door.

And it was totally not going to still be sitting in the library six years later. Oh, no. That's a weird thing to say then, but okay. Besides, the safe. was burglar proof or so wrote the chairman of the board of works so they're like it's fine just leave it in the library it's all good so in 1905 vickers wrote some revised statutes for his office which included stipulations that the jewels must be kept in a safe which must be kept in a strong room a few different writers talk about how vickers really seems to dislike this part of his job

like being in charge of the jewels didn't really um so it didn't happen though in terms of the safe being moved it wasn't moved from the library like we're not, I'm not going to get my private residence, then why are you going to get your fucking private safe? It does feel like a permanently stressful thing to always be, you know, the last one responsible for this precious thing. Really, really important thing. Precious thing that's basically pointless because someone wears it what once every three years. Who cares? Yeah, exactly. You can't even look at it. It's in a safe and then they want to put it behind another door. Well, the safe is still in the library, but when I say library, the library also kind of served as a waiting

room for Vickers office, meaning people were coming and going all day. There's a pile of new ideas from years ago in there. The fish tank. There's a steady stream of visitors in the exact space that some incredibly precious jewels are being kept. The library also apparently had several doors, none of which were guarded, and the position that the sentry was placed in means he couldn't actually see the safe at all times.

Oh, not an ideal spot. He was facing the wall. I would have had him sitting on it. Yeah, that's good. And he'd be heavy. Yeah. Yeah, whilst like with like a baseball bat in hand. Yeah.

Just rubbing it. Tapping it, yeah. That's good. I wouldn't steal. Come and get it. Anyone walked in. He'd say, come and get it. I'm actually here to see Vickers.

Yeah. Oh, go in there. I'm actually here to just get a book from this library. Okay. Come and get it. Come and get it. Come and get that book. Can you stop threatening me with that bat?

I'm just getting a book. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, yeah, get a book. Get it. So how you go. And they just flinches at him. Yeah. He's like, ah, I just fucking with you.

I'm bored. I'm bored. It's boring. You're all right. No one comes down here and anyone who does, I bully them. Go have a book, go on. Go ahead. Get it. Hey, get two books.

Yeah. How many books you want? Maybe as you can carry, I bet. How many books can carry? I can carry eight. I've been practicing. He's very bored. The nights are so long.

They have not been relieving him. He is trapped there. So we come to the summer of 1907. A series of odd incidents happened, but they were all ignored, thought to be nothing major. until much later. On June 28th, Vickers gets to the front door of Bedford Tower, only to realize his key to the front door is missing.

What? A guard lets him in, obviously knowing who he is, and Vickers thinks very little of it. He's like, ah, I forgot my key. That doesn't sound like Vickers to me. No. July 3rd, a staff member named Mrs. Farrell found the front door to Bedford Tower was unlocked when she arrived.

And on July 6, Mrs. Farrell found that the outer door to the strong room was unlocked. It had like two doors, the outer doors unlocked, inner door was still locked, but the key was still sitting in the lock on a key ring with other keys. So a key is in there. It'd be quite easy to get in.

Yeah, that seems pretty obviously suss. Yeah. She told a century whose name was Stivey. It's a good name. Who looked around the strong room but found nothing amiss. Later that same day on July 6, a messenger from the jewelers arrived. They'd been doing alterations to one of the gold collars

used by a member of the Order of St. Patrick, which was stored with the rest of the crown jewels. Vickers was busy with his work, and he handed Stavvy a key and told him to go down to the library and place the collar in the safe. Stavvy placed the key in the lock and was confounded. The key would not turn the direction he expected it to. He turned the key the other way and tried the handle. The safe wouldn't open. It was locked.

Realisation came to him. This is Dan Nozowitz again. If turning the key that way has... locked the safe, then that must mean that before he arrived... He ran back to Vickers' office and told him that the safe had been unlocked when he got to it. Together they rushed to the library, opened the safe and discovered that everything was gone. Oh. How long was he gone for?

Sounded a bit sussed this guy. Stivey. It was unlocked when I got to it. Why have you been gone for three days? What's that in your back pocket? I got lost. Nothing. No, no, that's a star already had.

Yeah, that already had the... Went to Disneyland. Mickey Mouse Diamond. That's fine. Vic is immediately called the police and it was found that the front door of the tower, the strong room door and the safe had not been forced open.

Either the locks had been opened by professional copies or someone had the original keys. They said like if somebody had sort of hastily made a copy of the key, there would be certain marks on the lock that would sort of indicate a key that didn't quite fit. It was none of that. So they're like,

these are professional copies that have taken, you know, a while to make or they've got the original keys somehow. Right. And the cops, you were saying,

are in the castle already, so we got there pretty quick. Yeah. I had to, because it said Vickers immediately call the police and I had to Google, like, when were phones around?

No, no, do they have phones? I think so, yeah. So, that's a little bit of my own fact-checking there. That's good fact-checking. It's like, Hang on a second.

Oh, yeah, they had phones. They texted the cops. Yeah. Sent out an MMS. They Skyped them. Of an open safe with a question mark. What the fuck? WTO.

And an emoji shock face. But so they like, okay, it's a professional copy or someone has the original keys. But from all accounts, all the keys were accounted for. Dublin police investigation quickly dried up. So they called in the big guns. Right. So they found all the keys. one around his neck and around his penis.

Oh, wow. We're both still there. Imagine that him looking down. Oh, I didn't notice. It had gone. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, look at you down there. Oh, have a quick look. Yep, still there. Everything's still in order. Oh. Oh. There's your father. I'll see you later.

You're talking to your penis? No, no, he is. That's not me, Jess. That's not something you would do. That would be odd. So Scotland Yard gets called Inspector John Kane arrived on July 12. And it's not very clear how long he investigated for. But when he was done, he sent a report to the Dublin police,

identifying the person he believed to have committed the theft. Kane's report was roundly rejected by Dublin Police. And Kane and his team was sent back to London immediately. The report has never been released. Oh, right. So it just said the name of his enemy. and they were like, no. No, it said that it's been suppressed.

That's funny. So he's accused someone important and they've gone, no one can see this. That seems dodgy AF. He just wrote The King on a piece of paper and handed it over. Whoa.

Well, newspapers speculated that this was a cover-up. Kane had found too much and was convinced it was an inside job. And this is from an article in Irish Times. What quickly became apparent after the initial discovery of the jewel's absence was that their theft had taken place sometime earlier, possibly even weeks before, but no one had noticed.

It seems the thieves were so keen to have their work discovered that they had returned more than once in order to leave behind successive, more obvious clues that a break-in had occurred. So it's like they stole it, nothing happened, and they're like... Oh, so it was a protest. They were doing this to be seen, not to... Potentially.

Because it would be hard to sell a crowned jewels, though, Yeah, so those events that I'd mentioned before where like a door was open or a key was missing, they were probably because the thief came back to get them to actually check, to realize the jewels were gone and they still didn't. They kept coming back going, did I actually still the jewels? Let me go and have a looking, not there. Still not there. I definitely, and check my pocket.

Yes, definitely still got them on me walking around here. I'm wearing the jewels and nobody's noticed anything. So the crown, what are, a crown jewel is something that just sits on. top of a crown? No, it's just like, it's the jewels that belong to the crown. Right, so it's like a necklace. It's not literal hat crown. No, so this one's not the royal hat.

No. But the crown is in the position of. Correct. Or whatever. Yeah. The family. Right. That's funny.

I never put that together before. Yeah. Crown jewels, I just assume were the jewels on the crown. Yeah. This one was for like, you know, that long named order. I wish I could hear or see people going, oh, Matt. Oh, Matt. So naive.

Everyone knows about crown jewels. Everyone. If that is you, lean into your iPod right now because this is a message for you and you alone. Fuck off. I'm sorry.

I've been busy getting all with my life. I don't have time to sit around thinking about you and your crown jewels and all this bloody nonsense. Okay? I'm out here in the real world. So, yeah, that's for you. So some people, as I mentioned before, thought it was an inside job.

Vickers denied that anyone on his staff would do such a thing and staunchly denied having anything to do with it himself. I hope he said something like, frankly, I'm offended by the insinuation. What are you saying, Poirot? So they always get so offended at the end. What are you saying? William Dernam, the curator from Dublin Castle, says politically it was a huge embarrassment.

These things were emblematic of British rule in Ireland. So their loss became symbolic of the disappearance of the British reigns of Ireland. So it was a big deal. So that's why it feels like maybe it's some independence seeking Irish people. Potentially, yep. Rather than some treasure seeking Irish people. There's lots of different theories. Some sort of pirates.

Land pirates. Land pirates. Yeah, I got me some crown jewels there. I'll bury me treasure under an XR. An XR. XR, yeah. Wow. XR, which is one of the early falcons.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, that's an X-V. That's embarrassing, Dave. Oh, my God. Did you hear what Dave just said? There's probably a few people that are annoyed right now, and if that's you, just lean in to your life. Honestly, just a blanket rule.

If at any point you're annoyed, just lean in and just know, we are doing our best, and we are just three people going about our lives. And if you don't like that and like the work we put into this, then fuck off. We're just cruising through to the end of the year. Come on. Come on. No, good, thanks so much for your support. I really appreciate it.

We're trying to really hard. We're in a very hot room. I'm halfway through this milk. Yeah. And I commit to it. I know it's, I mean, the milk's almost warm now. And the thing is, that's your second one of the recording session. Okay, yes.

The second one is 750 mil. meal. Yeah, I got a lot of milk in me right now. There's so much milk. Plus, in between podcast recordings, we had a spiced ginger beer with our lunch. So that's in the middle of your two milks. Yeah, I love it. As well as a burrito.

I don't want to be thinking so much about Matt's guts right now, to me honest. Oh, great. Oh, here we go. No one's thinking about Matt's guts. Yeah, so now what, yeah, my guts are just here. What are they, chop liver? Give them a thoughts from my thoughts. Just regular liver, mate.

So anyway, back to the theft. A reward of a thousand pounds was issued, which was a hefty sum at the time. Right, I was going to say, that sounds like an offensively low amount to find the crown jewels. We will give you a voucher to our library. This is in 1907.

That was probably a fair bit of cash, you know. If you find these crown jewels worth upwards of $200 million, we will give you a free packet of chips. We will publicly thank you. We will give you a Pretamonger gift card for $15.35. When I say publicly, I mean, we'll go out at some point onto the front porch and we'll say thank you very much to Jess Perkins who found and recovered the fringles. This is a public thank you for you.

And there you go. All done. Thanks so much. Enjoy your meal at Pretamonger. Thank. So yeah, it's a big amount of money for this reward. So no surprise, I received a lot of tea. tips and a lot of dead ends.

It's one of the tips. Tips fuck off. Fuck off. All right, thanks. We've got a few prank tips. Thanks to all the super sleuths out there. Thought it'll be funny to prank our suggestion box. I've got a tip for you.

My dick. Thank you very much. Well, we will be searching. We'll be searching your dick and following up with all loose ends. We will be searching your dick. Sorry about that. Who's laughing now, huh? You're patting down a dick.

Like a little Just to figure out of the side Why is it getting bigger? Wait, isn't that what all the dick's do? Get bigger at the end? Uh-oh. Sorry, I just got to make a quick call. Yeah, doctor.

Yeah, I'm going to need you to have another look. Something is not right. Vickers himself received a tip from a woman stating that her daughter had had visions about the theft. Unsure about the spiritual side of things, but intrigued and probably a little desperate. Vickers had his friend Francis Shackleton. Any relation?

Yes. No. To Ernest Shackleton. Set up a meeting, yes. So this is Dan Nossowitz describing Francis. Francis Shackleton was the brother of Ernest Shackleton, who was a mega celebrity in Britain at the time for his voyages to the Antarctic. Francis was an incredibly charming man, handsome and clever and witty,

and operated as a man about town in the upper echelons of both. Dublin and London society. He was a stockbroker of sorts, but it's unclear whether he was actually good at it. He'd gone bankrupt at least once. Partying seemed to interest him more. Nice. That's Dan writing about him. But yes, one of the people who suggested this topic was like, this is a little bit of a, like a sequel,

because I don't know if we mentioned Francis, but we've obviously done Shackleton and his expedition. This is his brother. Wow. Isn't that wild? Yeah. amazing. If people haven't listened, that's one, that's an episode people often cite as one of our, one of our few good episodes. The, uh, what's it called, Dave? The Shackleton's Shackleton's Endurance, the name of the ship. It's a very good episode. There's a whole riff

about slugs. It's really fun. Episode 68. Whoa. While back now. I'm going to go back and listen to that one. I've got a summer road, I'm on a summer road trip right now. I'll be listening to that. I love that you are able to listen back. Not if it's my report. Right. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, they're brutal.

And even then, I spend a lot of the time, anytime I talk, I'm like, shut up. Shut up, shut up. Shut up. Shut up. But it is fun when I say that I have the same thought now that I did five years ago. Like, oh. That's awesome.

It's funny when I'm listening back and you guys are talking, and I'm thinking you shut up and let the other man say. Get back to Dave. He's so good. Yeah, we are. agree. Yeah. So we're all thinking the same thing.

Dave's amazing. Jess and Matt, shut up. We are very similar, Jess. I definitely cringe. Don't worry. What? When, man.

Yeah, yeah, what are we doing here? I don't know. I've thought about that. Dave, do you want to just do the reports each week? Yeah.

Would you want to? Would you want to do that? No. Okay. Your reports are great. Okay. I think, I don't think that's actually the reason why.

It's been a great year. Honestly, you guys have brought some of the best topics. No, I just forget the best topics. Anyway, so Shackleton will come up in the story more as we go, but he sets up a meeting with the woman and her daughter who was having visions. She told Vickers that the jewels had been buried in a cemetery in a small town outside of Dublin. Unfortunately, her visions could have been applied to either of two cemeteries.

Oh, that's unfortunate. Oh, they're going to have to dig up two entire cemeteries. Well, that's what he did. Because of a dream. Vickers traveled to each and dug around several tombstones. No jewels were found, but the story did make it to the press, making Vickers a greater subject of mockery than he had already become. Oh no.

So even back then, I was like, I was this long ago enough to people like, visions can, they can be things, but not really. Oh, I think he was definitely skeptical. Yeah. He was a bit like, oh, yeah, this will be bullshit. Worth a try. But you did say he's really desperate.

Yeah. They were lost under his watch. He was intrigued by it, yeah, exactly right. But it's also like, part of you might be like, well, maybe this is just a weird way of someone coming clean. Oh, yeah. You know, like I can't admit to it. So I've got someone to say, oh, we had a vision of...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe. So, before we get to some theories, some characters to note. So we have Shackleton, Frank Shackleton, spent most of his time in London, but he did come to Dublin sometimes and had arrangements with Vickers to stay at his house. In fact, despite only spending a month or so per year in Dublin, Shackleton paid half of Vickers' rent and bills.

They were good friends. And was he quite wealthy? Yes, he's quite wealthy, and I think there's a part, like some people sort of say that he kind of liked, that he could do stuff like that. Like he was flashy with his money. Yeah, great.

If people want to be flashy with their money with us, that'd be fantastic. I mean, somebody wants to pay half my rent, all of it. That'd be fine. I already pay half of the rent here, so if you could pay my entire half, that would be a ace. That would be so flashy if you did that. But it's the catch. They're going to have to be flashy.

That would be so flashy. The catch is they have to spend one month a year with you. And this house is haunted. This house? This house. This one we're in? Is it not? Is it haunted?

Yeah. I always felt that. Yeah, I felt a presence. Of what? Well. Of whom? Some sort of horny ghost. A horny ghost.

Not a horny ghost. You've got to spend one night in a haunted, a horny house. That would be pretty. So did you say haunted house? No. No. Haunted. What do you mean?

I like the Shackleton's parents. They obviously were a straight to the point kind of family. Frank and Ernest are the names. My children. No mocking about here. Their sister's name was sincere. Beautiful name. That's really good.

you thought about Ernest bringing Ernest into the fam anybody wouldn't name a kid Ernest yeah shock I'm not yeah great great little brother for straight shooter straight shooter Shackleton Nossowich writes

Shackleton was also widely known to be gay at a time when it was completely taboo in Irish society not to mention illegal but says Dernam you can get away with most things if you have money He was pleasantly humid in polite society. Shackleton's lover was a man named Captain Richard Gorge's. Oh my God.

Dick Gorgeous. Oh my God. I didn't even put that together. Dick Gorgeous. Dick Gorgeous. Dick Gorgeous by name. Gorgeous Dick by Pantaloon region. His service in South Africa was described as violent, bullying and criminal by an Irish

member of parliament. Gorge's, as a somewhat prominent military man, would have been known to the security forces at Dublin Castle. Okay. There's a well-known... Yeah, so that's just one of the characters, Francis, and of course, his lover, Richard. Gorgeous.

And then there was, check this name out, Pierce Gun Mahoney. That's got to be fake. Gun! No, I think his mother's maiden name was Gun. And it's just G-U-N. It's not Double N. Pierce Gunn Mahoney.

He was Arthur Vickers' nephew, and he was given the honorary position of Cork Herald by his uncle, which granted him status in Dublin. See, there he is, given away titles for you. Yeah, yeah. Dodgy as I knew it. He really liked, um, Arthur Vickers had like a couple of half brothers, and he like was very close with them,

and Pierce was the son of one of them, and he was like, I'll help you out. Pierce was also one of the key holders of the Outer Strong Room door, but spent a lot of his time in England, but felt a great deal of loyalty. towards Vickers for the gift of this job and title, so he probably wasn't suss. Hey, thanks for this job.

I'm not going to be here, but thank you so much. Yeah, a lot of them, like, and a lot of the people working there weren't paid. It was like honorary to be part of, like, it's very odd. It's like, well, someone, is it a job or? And they weren't around a lot, but they had these titles. It sounds like being a college team mascot. Do it for the glory.

It was for the glory. Another character is Francis Bennett Goldeney Goldenie G-O-L-D-N-E-Y Golden-I I'm going to say golden-eye Because it sounds bad-ass

Francis Bennett Goldenai Who descended from a line of antiquity scholars He displayed much of his collection In a museum in Canterbury He even ended up the honorary director of the museum As a result of donating so much and he moved to Canterbury where he joined the town's upper echelons he was elected to town council then became mayor

and eventually was elected to the House of Commons Bennett Golden I met Vickers in 1905 and outright asked Vickers for a position within the office of the Ulster King of Arms he was like hey give me a job give me a title oh one please um can't Vickers is sort of like well you need recommendations and and this guy Francis

is very well connected so he's like no problem but it took a little while but he was officially sworn in in may 1907 just two months before the theft okay I'm thinking like these titles don't mean any they're just giving them away not like you know the titles that are given to you yeah parents not the real ones way more meaningful obviously you've earned those yeah of course by being born which he chose to do he chose to born he chose to born. Wow. He chose to born.

Oh, I choose to born. So those are just some characters to keep in your mind and we'll get to some theories involving some of those characters in just a sec. That's a bad sign that I'm saying stuff like he chose to born. He chose to born? I feel an unraveling. Maybe have a little bit more milk. Yeah, you've stopped nursing your milk.

Yeah, you're okay? Is your milky not good? Is it too cold? Do you want me to warm up? That milk for you. Oh, gross. Hearing of the theft just a few days before his visit, the king was pretty pissed.

Oh, so he is about to want to wear them. Yeah, and they're gone. Oh, this is the worst possible time. And like we were saying before, like it doesn't look good politically. Yeah. Yeah, this is the visit he wants to go perfectly. He wants this to be very smooth. He needs it to be smooth.

Would he be wearing them like as a necklace sort of thing? I guess so. Like one's a little badge and another is a sort of. star and I don't know where you wear that. I'm not going to be able to wear my badge. I'm not going to be able to wear my little badge. People will definitely not respect me without my little badge. I need my little badge.

My name is King Edward. It has so many little jewels on it. It's so sparkly and I feel like a fancy boy. So the king demanded that Vickers resign. But Vick has refused. Vick has demanded the king resign. He's like, well, I'm not quitting. You quit.

Without your badge, what are you? What are you? Oh, nothing. wear your little hat. He said that he'd done nothing wrong and he blamed the Board of Works for their screw up with the safe not fitting in the strong room. Vickers wanted his story to be heard

and to defend himself in as public a venue as he could create. So he asked for a royal commission which would mean a trial that would allow him to call witnesses to support him and it would be in front of the public and he could clear his name a bit. But this was refused. He was instead given a vice regal commission trial which allowed no witnesses, barred the public and press,

and took as its mandate not an investigation of the crime, but a vicar's performance of his duty. So it's like it's personal. So they're not even looking for the jewels, really? No. That sounds like a lot worse than what he wanted. Yeah, it is. But what he wanted did sound like a bit of a waste of time, maybe.

But he just wanted to clear his own name, and this is back in a time when, like, status was everything. He didn't care how much money it cost. He refused to attend the trial they did give him. And the commission found Vickers delinquent in his duties based on the statutes he himself had written in 1905, including the one that stated the safe must be located in the strong room. But I mean, it's not his fault.

But because the safe was never moved to the strong room and remained in the library, Vickers had failed the duties he himself had set out. It sat there for six years, mate. He was fired. You walk past it every day for six years. I feel nothing for this man. He sounded awful. Just widened the door.

Yeah. frame. Not the door. That wouldn't help. Now the door doesn't fit. Why don't you? We've tried everything. We took this door off the hinges,

added three metres side of the side of it, and you're never going to believe it. I can't get it in. I cannot get it in there. I mean, what else can I do? This is witchcraft. I've consulted that woman who has visions.

I've waited six years. I've done everything by the book. Thought that naturally the door would expand over time. It hasn't. Doesn't that happened in summertime? It doesn't happen in summertime? Yeah. The Irish.

The Irish. summer, blistering heat. So Vickers was offered a full pension, but only if he stopped asking for a public trial. So why were they so keen to let this blow over? Well, Vickers' nephew, Pierce Gunn Mahoney, had been trying to use his connections to get help for his uncle's case, but no one would help,

and he was told that Vickers was known to have associated with men of undesirable character. Gay. A massive scandal had just occurred in Germany where Kaiser Wilhelm I, who was the King Edward's nephew, had repeated claims made that members of his cabinet and social circles had been involved in homosexual acts. Accusations bounced back and forth,

and many in the Kaiser's inner circle were forced to resign. King Edward did not want to suffer a similar scandal himself. Mahoney even tried to clear his uncle's name by telling a newspaper publisher the vickers was a bit of a drinker and one time passed out in his office and woke up wearing the jewels. I don't know how you thought that would clear his name.

Nothing, suss. He just drank on the job. He just drank on the job, woke up, jewels were on him. He's like, oh, loll. Who brought them there? She's baffling. And this is the man you're blaming? This man?

He was fully nude and they were on his penis. He could not get them off. Is crown jewels a euphemism for your cock and balls? Yeah. Maybe that's where it came from. Probably. Him wearing him around his penis. Yeah.

Knowing this, the newspaper writer said, is it so hard to believe that somebody could have swiped the key to the safe for a real theft? Because there was like stories that he would be, because he'd be drinking with his friends and his friends would like, go, they'd take the keys, steal the jewels and like hide him, and then he'd wake up and be like, oh, those jewels. And they'd be like, here they are, and they'll go, ah. So his nephew's trying to clear him by telling this story.

And the newspaper is like, so it's incredibly easy to access these jewels. His friends. He's quite incompetent. His friends just did like treasure hunts on the weekend with him. Yeah, it seems like his friends were incredibly disrespectful to his job. And so was he. It actually sounds like a really toxic relationship he has with his friends. Agreed.

Get new friends. Do you want to mean? I know what you made. Like just get different and new friends. Yeah. Different is the one that you have. exactly yeah i know what you mean you do what i mean i'm not saying that of you

okay i don't think you i hadn't interpreted it that way okay great i just want to make sure you were not leaving me because that will not go well for you i know where you live okay i will be out the front okay in the rain

holding a boom box of course with you and your new friends and i'll say i enjoy him now new friends you'll be tossed to the side I'm drunk at this point as well so the government tactic of China sort of breeze over it a bit

eventually worked the story faded out of the headlines the reward was never claimed the tips became increasingly preposterous and the jewels remain missing over a century later it's a mystery episode they're still missing the Irish crown jewels

they're missing which weren't really until they've so they've never been the crown jewels whilst someone's had them. No, that's just sort of how they came to be spoken about. So what they actually were was an insignia of the most illustrious order of St Patrick, the most important chivalric order in Ireland. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

That's definitely a thing that makes sense to me. Like the head of which was the king or queen, so they just called them Crown Jules. Yeah, yeah, yeah, shiverrhic, and Ireland and Patrick. Yeah. Biggerick, shivalrick, shivalrick. I get it. Pickle Rick, shivalric. Yeah, it's all the same thing.

I get it. That's good stuff. So, some theories. Hit me. Number one. Do you want to go first or should we? Well, do you have a theory so far? Well, it feels like one of the, that feels like either Vickers took him.

Pickle Vic, as I call him. Piggle Vic, as I call him. Like, it's, but it feels like there's a cover up. So someone important's taken them. Yeah. And I reckon it's someone who doesn't like Pickle Rick Edward and that

Okay, yep Probably doesn't like Pickle Rick because they're all in the same Picklewick because they're all in the same sort of genre of loving England But I don't know who Maybe is St Patrick's still a lot?

No Okay, so I'm ruling him out Dave, any theories? Let's hear what Dave and you have to say But I think I've pretty much done most of the work there and see if you want to finish it up Dave, anything to add? I think it was probably the guy who installed the safe room

and then got yelled at for not making the door big enough and went, you know what, I'll get back at you in six years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that would be annoying if someone yelled at you for that. And you wouldn't remember who you yelled at six years ago. No, because it sounds like this guy yells at a few people. So he wouldn't be like top of mind for revenge. That's such a funny.

I mean, you don't remember who you yelled out six years ago. I can't. Who is that guy I yelled at? He yelled at so many people since. How do I remember them all? That would be You're yelling at Bob I mean that was the joke

I don't understand jokes You just then were Twitter And I was you Wait Hang on a second You keep tweeting You don't know who you yelled I mean I've never yelled at anybody

I think the problem was it was believable Me yelling Yeah How dare you How dare you How dare you? Number one. Francis Shackleton is the mastermind behind the theft.

He somehow gets one of Vickers' keys and makes a copy. He does have access to Vickers' house where the second key sits, so it's not that hard. Oh, that's right because he fucking pays for that house. Yeah, he pays a rent. He stays there for a month. He then goes out of town to London, making it a point to meet with London aristocracy to cement an alibi. His lover, George, gorges.

His lover Gorge's Dick Gorgeous Commits the theft As he's able to get in and out of Dublin Tower Without suspicion Right, because he's a military man Exactly everybody knows him The Crown Jules are then broken apart

And melted down and sold From Nosewitz He says this, some believe Was the conclusion of the report From Kane, the Scotland Yard Inspector But the king and his cronies Fearful of Scandal Allow him to get away with it

Kane is sent back to London while Shackleton is too politically radioactive to be the subject of a public trial. Can't get out that like there's rumors of orgies and cabinet. Right. So then the king and his inner circle will be like targeted. I feel like that would make,

wouldn't that make people a bit excited about the crown again? Oh, they're having orgies. Now it would, wouldn't it? Yeah. Can you imagine? Prince Charles Orgy. Do you imagine like, imagine, Prince Charles married to a dude.

That would be the best. Do you know what I mean? I think that would be good PR for them. Exactly. It's like, get with the times. Oh, the entire family's straight. Okay. Statistically, I don't think so.

Anyway, it would just be a bit more fun, but this is 1907. It's a different time. So who, I missed the very starter. This is John Kane, they reckon, did it. It's Shackleton. Oh, Shackleton did it. Yeah.

Holy shit. Yeah. And he got his lover, who's a military man. Dick gorgeous. Oh, Dick gorgeous. Oh, my God. But then there's too much heat to like pin it on him and they don't want to look embarrassed

that they let someone come in and just steal their jewels. They just go, oh, whatever. Honestly, this sounds like a victimless crime to me. I agree. A vicarless crime. He was not involved. Number two, still involves Shackleton, but it's that he was blackmailed.

His homosexuality is widely known in polite society, but he relies on a delicate balance of silence, risk, elitism to survive. So in exchange for not exposing him to newspapers, Shackleton uses his access and knowledge to procure one of Vickers keys, but does not participate in the crime beyond that. He does his best to help Vickers track down the thief. So he's like when he's trying to help because he's genuinely trying to help. That's another theory. Right.

I don't know how I feel about that one. Theory number three is a group of unionists did it. Theory number four is a group of nationalists did it. Yeah, I was thinking more nationalist than unionists. Why would the unionists do it? Um, it was like a very complicated paragraph that I couldn't quite follow. So I left it to one dot point. I love that.

Can't really remember, but both essentially were trying to like embarrass the other or make the other look bad or like, you know, so there's a lot that can go into it and a lot of different theories within those theories. Yeah. Maybe it's quite dribble block. It's very confusing. Theory number five is,

uh, only after his death is it discovered that antiques lover and mayor, Francis Bennett Golden Eye was in fact a thief. Oh, ooh. While preparing the late Bennett Golden Eyes belonging for auction, ancient manuscripts stolen from the city of Canterbury were found in his house. Including the Irish crown jewels.

But mostly we were interested in the manuscripts. So yeah, stuff stolen from Canterbury where he was living were found in his house along with a fairly valuable painting. Only he could have taken the manuscripts owing to, his privileged position as mayor, like he would have had access. There was some of the early manuscripts, like, for the pilot for Friends, for the Joey character's autobiography. Yes.

The actor who played him, Matt LeBlanc. Also, the manuscript for Phoebe's songs about cats. Yep. Other Friends things. Yeah. My brain's not thinking outside of that for some reason. He's going straight to Friends and stayed in Friends. I'm not sure why I got stuck in Friends.

It's okay. The Tebish, not the concept. Yeah, that's it. It was not the concept of friendship. No. So then perhaps Bennett Golden Eye obtained the key either by himself or with the aid of Shackleton.

He creates an alibi, heads out of Dublin, and orchestrates the theft just a few months after joining Vickers' crew of honorary assistance. When questioned, he is coy and ambiguous and points investigators towards Shackleton. He's like,

maybe you should be talking to Shackleton. about it. I don't know. I don't know, everything. The jewels are gone? Crazy. I love the idea that a few of these series are that people made an alibi, made up an alibi. It's like they have an alibi. So what they would have done is made an alibi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They would have made that. They would have made it look like. Would have had to create an alibi. Yeah. You've got to look for the guy who doesn't have an alibi.

Yeah. Because he didn't make one up. Clearly didn't do it. Yeah. I mean, that's not your guy. That's not your guy. That's not your guy. If you've got an alibi, exactly. Again, it's a double bluff. You've got an alibi, it's the guy. No alibi, no guy. That's, yeah, the age old rhyme.

That actually makes a lot of sense. I think we can all agree. Yeah, if anyone was there, had access, no alibi, then, yeah, rule them. Rule them as. Too obvious. Next. If you're watching Poirot, that is definitely how it works.

Yeah, exactly. The person you think it is, it's definitely ain't them. I watched an episode recently where it was an apparent suicide. Well, there was a guy who, died, he was on his desk, a gun in his hand. And I go, tell you what, Japp's going to come in and say, Open shut case, Poirot, this is a suicide.

And that's exactly what he did. And Poirot's like, oh, not so sure, mona me. It's like, I, Jack doesn't know he's in a show. Why would he ever question Poirot? Nothing's ever open shut when Paul Roe's... What we got here, Poirot was another open shut case. Let's go get some lunch. Obviously, every week he's saying this to Poirot.

I'm in the move for a chip butty. That what are they called? Little buddy? Yeah, little chip buddy. Sandwich with chips. Great decision. They love to double up on the carb. Hey, who doesn't?

Potato pizza. Fuck me, I love a double carb. Oh, love a potato pizza. Oh, potato pizza. Okay. My Italian Swissatine ancestors rolling over in their... You know I love a classic authentic margarita. That's number one.

Potato pizza? Hey, that's a special occasion pizza. So those are just some of the theories, none of which have gained. very much attraction. The jewels nor any other piece of incriminating evidence has been found. But, you know, we love a curse that do go on. And these characters that I've mentioned certainly seem to have a bit of bad luck. Follow them.

These summaries are from Dan Nossowitz again. Honestly, it's a great read and a lot more in depth and also easier to follow than anything else. So love you, Dan. Does he have a couple of people being annoying throughout his article? Like ever now and then someone's coming and going, oh, I shouldn't be drinking milk. and stuff of that. Like right when he's about to

like drop a bomb, they go like a penis. That guy's name sounds funny. No, that doesn't happen in this article. But it could have happened while he's writing. He didn't type it down. In his writing, didn't point out that dick gorgeous is funny. No, he didn't.

So like how good are you, Dan? What is wrong with you? Yeah, well. That's opportunity there. And this was only written, like Dan's article was in November of 2021. So it's fresh. That is fresh. Thankfully.

Hot off the presses. So anyway, these are what happened to some of these characters. The beauty of, you know that this is going to get solved in 2022. Oh, big time. Yeah. And I'm happy to be a part of it. We're like a reverse curse. We're an anti-curs.

Anti-curs. We fix stuff. Yeah. We're like Bob the Builder. Or it'll be turned into a movie. One of the two. One of the two. So Francis Shackleton declared bankruptcy in 1910, owing the truly astounding amount of 85,000.

When you were talking about a thousand being heaps back then. 85,000. Well over 10 million today, he was in debt. He fled to Portuguese West Africa, but was there accused of cashing a widow's checks. He was sent back to London and sentenced to 15 months of hard labour. In 1913, he was charged with conspiring to steal hundreds of thousands of dollars from his old friend, Lord Ronald Gower, by purchasing stocks that didn't exist and

pocketing the money. Now, there's curses and there's just doing crimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been cursed. Oh, no, it's not me. Some of the others. I'm not defrauding my friends and family. It's the curse.

Some of the others feel a little more cursy. But in this one, he changed his name, moved in with his sister and died broke. Oh, the curse. The curse changed my name. Maybe move in with my sister. I don't like her cooking. Oh, I'm cursed. Pierce Gunn Mahoney moved in, moved to a family home in a county Kerry where he remained close with Vickers.

A book by Francis Bamford and Viola Banks, it's called Vicious Circle, claims that the 1908 Sherlock Holmes story, The Adventure of the Bruce Partington Plans, was a thinly veiled riff on the theft of the Irish Grand Jules. This is only a year later. In it, a character who may or may not have been based on Mahoney is murdered in an extraordinary way, which at first appears like suicide relating to the theft of prices government property.

Open shut case, Poir-Woe. That's why I was just like when you said it, I was like, huh. So that was like, that was the story. That was the Sherlock Holmes story. This character's loosely based on him, they reckon, and that's how he does. In 1914, Mahoney was due to have tea with some neighbours. He planned to get there by rowing a boat across a pond.

As the pond had many waterfowl, Mahoney took a shotgun with him. His body was discovered the next day. Oh no, the fowl shot him. The fowl wrestled the gun off him. He'd been shot through the heart. Oh, shit. Fowl play had often been suggested. That's good stuff.

Fow play's been suggested, but nothing's been proven. Yeah, right. So he died in a kind of a serious way. How do they get their wing in the little... But they're saying that he's rowing across a pond and then the kayak rocks up and they're like, oh, hello, oh no! And they just seem slumped over with a bullet through the heart. Yeah, and he had a shotgun.

Yeah. So he couldn't have done it himself. No. It's got to be one of the birds. Got to be a bird. Fowl play. Oh, boy. Is that a pun?

Yes, that's a pun. So then we have Francis Bennett Golden Eye. He was elected... He was elected to Parliament in 1910, and in 1917 was appointed attache in Paris. In 1918, he was involved in an unspecified motoring accident and died of renal hemorrhage. A year later, his secret life as a thief was revealed.

And then we have Arthur Vickers. He was disgraced. fired from his job that was his life's work and left penniless after he refused a pension that seemed like him to hush money. He relied on money from his brother-in-law and a bit of cash that he got from suing the Daily Mail for libel. The paper admitted that it invented a story about because mistress being behind the theft. He later married.

But yeah, the Daily Mail. Daily Mail has a long and proud history, obviously. They like made up this whole story about a story about a family. mistress getting the key and stealing it and then he's getting the money and they admitted they made the whole thing up and this person didn't exist that's wild anyway um he insisted on i love how people talk about our tabloid papers these days you know what you can't trust the news anymore not like back in back in 17 when the daily mail had integrity just fully invented stories fucking crazy lame stream media you know i'm talking about he insisted on his innocence

until his death and even in his will um he like left something in his will that was like I didn't do it even in his will and he died in like a not great way which I didn't write it down right but like great ways to do in his will who did he leave the diamond and crustace he was um Walt Disney and he's like this gives me an idea he was essentially like taken um he was killed I think by the IRA and like um they broke into his house and he was held at gunpoint while they attempted to break into the house a strong room. Oh. And then they torched the house and shot him in front of his wife.

Did they think maybe they thought the crown jewels were there? Oh, who knows? But it's interesting, that's not a nice way to go. No. But it's interesting that you said it was his life's work, but you also said before that he was drunk on the job all the time. He was really into the heraldry. bit and the genealogy he was very...

Right. He was obsessed with it. He loved it. He was so interested in it. But the part of the job that entailed, like, being in charge of the jewels, he didn't like that part. So, it's still a mystery. Oh, my...

Honestly. The jewels have never been found. I really hope it comes up soon. Right? Oh, it's so good. Like, it's going to be found in a vault somewhere. Like, can you melt down emeralds and stuff? You could break them apart.

and make other jewels out of those. So they could be just out. And would there be any way to know? I don't know. I'm asking you like, you're a jewel expert now. If they're massive, you could probably cut them up into smaller bits. Right. Yeah, I wonder if people would be able to tell.

I don't know. You've done the report on diamonds. But if it's still... Would people be able to tell? I don't know. If it's still one of the five largest rubies ever found, it's pretty obvious work. Yeah. I'm thinking of oceans eight where...

Mindy Kaling takes the fancy jewels and makes them into other jewels and then they just wear them out. Oh, that's clever. Hidden in plain sight. It's the Met Gala. Favorite place to hide. Plain sight? Yeah. Okay. Mine's under the couch.

Very high-legged couch. Yeah. It's terrible to me. It's a nightmare to get onto. But that is my report on the theft of the Irish Crown Jules. The last report of 2021. Wow, there it is. I think it's been the year of the heist this year for us.

We've had quite a few, which has been good fun. It's funny, actually. I put that one up to the vote, and a couple of people commented, like, let's see out the year with another heist. They were all for it. Yeah. Well, I think, if I'm not mistaken, that brings us, for the last time for the year, to everyone's favourite section of the show,

where we thank a bunch of our great supporters. You can support us at do go onpod.com or patreon.com. Or patreon.com slash do go on pod. And once there, there's all different levels you can go on, on budget and what kind of reports bonus things you want to get. I think what level do you have to be on to get

the crown jewels of Ireland? That's one of the higher levels, I think. Yeah, that's the top level, top tier. And that's only one available for that. Yeah, that's right. And I think it's like, what have we said that? Four million pounds? Four million pounds.

A month? You have to ask no questions, obviously. Yeah, yeah. You're going to need four million pounds a month for six months and then they will be shipped to you. Yeah, bit by bit. Bit by bit. So you've got to stay on that.

Stay on. We've got Mindy Carlin involved. If I said that name right? No. Mandy Patinkin. Mandy Patinkin involved. The people that support the show, honestly, you make it possible for us to do the show for now six years in a row without missing a week. And we'll be back next week.

So we're not even going to miss a week because of these people. Yeah, I should just say, see you guys next year. No, Dave just said we have a report next week. Yeah. So we'll see you next year. What do you? we haven't discussed you taking a year off from the podcast. That seems ridiculous.

What does that? What do you mean? Yeah, I'll just say you were next year. Like next Thursday. Oh, I get it. See you next year. See, Auntie Donna, it's not that hard. Geez, we took the humor out of it, though.

But back to the supporters. Wee, I was playing the straight man. That was all on you. You get a bunch of it. of our bonus episodes. We put out three a month, including next week, I will be putting out

the famous annual Do Go On awards, the Do Go Honors, the Golden, Shiny Garys, where we crown the best episode of the year, the most popular guest host. The best bonus episode of the year. The most brutal one is, of course, best presenter.

Yes, but also the other one that we just and I tend to love, the best other two people. The best combination of listeners. Let's do best SaaS twin combination. I'll put that up this year. And yeah, so that's voted for by the Patreon people, but as well as that... It's a win for us.

We've put out two other bonus episodes a month. And there's over nearly 130 bonus episodes now that you can unlock and you can get them all straight away as soon as you sign up. Ridiculous. So that's pretty cool. This is the best live show we normally do as well. Have we done any live shows? Oh yeah, comedy first. And we did the 300th live as well.

Oh yeah, of course. Yeah. That's a bit of fun. I love it. I love getting in a tucks. Yeah. And just, oh,

podcast nut of nights. Walking that red carpet. If I picked mine up from the dry cleaner? Better check that. Thanks for the reminder. Yeah, you better. No worries.

Don't want to look the fool. And who do we get to host this year? I will be hosting for the first ever time. We got the Dave Wonkieke. It's my first ever time. That is exciting. It's huge. It's a boon.

It's huge. That is huge. Anyway, the first thing we normally like to do. do. So you get all sorts of different rewards for supporting us. But the first one we normally like to do is the fact quote or question section, which has a little jingle, I think, goes something like this. Fact quote or question. Bing. He always remembers the ding. And for this one, you get to give us a fact quote or question.

If you sign up on the Sydney-Schenberg level, I'll read out four of them each week. I'll read them out for the first time on the pod. No censorship here. Hey? We're not, this isn't. Kakistan But anyway, so I so desperately want to be a shock jock But so the first one this week comes from Stefan Headley Stefan's got the title

You also get to give yourself a title Stephen's got the title of President of the Make America More Mole Man Okay I agree Yeah And Stefan has offered us a quote Which is from the greatest character

in history. My quote is, there is no escape from the kingdom of the moles. Well, except that. That's a mole man, baby. That's a mole man, baby. So like a baby mole?

Yeah, baby mole. That's a great quote. That's a Simpsons mole man quote. Is that right, Dave? For a little while there, I was thinking that was you in character as a mole, and that was a quote of you as moleman. But no, it is a Simpsons moleman quote.

They got their first. somehow. Thank you so much, Stefan. Next up we've got Nathan Swap, whose title is Aluminium Emperor. No, aluminum emperor. It must be in Americans. And Nathan's fact this week is aluminum.

Yes, aluminum. We put in an extra bough, I think. Aluminum. Aluminum. So Nathan's fact is, while aluminum is the most abundant metal on earth, it used to be more value. than gold in the 19th century.

Emperor Napoleon III of France had many decorations made of aluminium and gave an aluminium, oh sorry, aluminum, and gave an aluminum bracelet to Queen Victoria. Even the Washington monument in D.C. is tipped with an aluminum capstone. Jeez, that's hard to say.

So when Dave inevitably time travels to become a medieval warlord, don't forget a few rolls of aluminium foil. I'll be wrapping my body and head to toe in that pressure. precious metal. That sounds great. I mean, you already wrap your head in it with all your bloody theories.

God, you're a kirk. Don't steal my thoughts. Thank you very much, Nathan. That is fascinating. I had no idea about that. Isn't it funny to be, if you timed it just wrong, that it lost its value just like a week after you'd bought this aluminum bracelet? Here you go.

And then people went, actually, I'm just going to wrap fish in it. It's going to make real thin sheets of it. rap shit in it. Thank you very much, Nathan. The next one comes from Logan Husky, fantastic name, of course. Great name. Logan has the title, token bitter, furry listener.

Okay. And Logan asks a question, which is, one of my favorite scenes from Doctor Who is from an episode called Vincent and the Doctor, where at the end, as a kind of epilogue, the doctor takes Vincent Van Gogh,

Van Gogh, from 1890 into the future, 2010 to show him how revered and inspirational his works are 120 years later. Ben Goff is brought to tears as he realizes that people would eventually understand him and even if it wouldn't be in his lifetime and that his art and legacy would endure for generations to come. Very touching scene. Yeah, it's very nice. You've both seen this.

Yeah. I don't know you guys were nerds. I've never watched it, but I've seen that particular part on. TikTok, it's on Instagram. I've seen that shared around a lot. Millions of views on YouTube as well. Oh, no kidding. Yeah.

Very well done. It's sort of, yeah, it's almost like a fan fiction, like a historical fan fiction. Yeah. Love that idea. Is Doctor Who, have you watched the show Doctor Who? No. Yeah, I used to watch it as a kid because my granddad was really into it.

I've heard it's really good. And then in the reboot, I watched the first Christopher Eccleston and then David Tennant, but I haven't kept up with the other ones. Right. something yeah i feel like it's one day i'll probably try and go and watch it all uh i've never seen an episode uh goes on to say my question is if you could go back in time and take anyone to the present day to show them the influence they had on society or popular culture who would you pick and what would you show them doesn't just have to be a creative figure can also be social

or political and uh logan answer the question do you want i'll read out while you're thinking That's a fantastic question, Logan. Awesome question. For me, I would love to show John Lennon how is songwriting still influences music today some 60 years after the fact. And I'd also love to show J.R.R. Tolkien, the Peter Jackson films of his books

and just watch his reactions the entire time. Thanks for the great show. Looking forward to seeing you live in Brisbane one day once all of this has blown over. Oh, awesome. Great one, Logan. That's so good. This feels like one of those questions.

sort of need a fair bit of time to contemplate. I think, yeah, like, yeah, John Lennon's a fantastic one. I think maybe there's so many of those artists that died. Yeah. Not knowing, but maybe Emily Dickinson, the poet, who sort of just wrote in her own room and sort of never really got out there or rarely published and then is now seen as one of the greatest American poets of all time. Oh, that's...

After manuscripts and handwritten things were found and published. just after she died, maybe something like that. It's quite heartbreaking to think about that. Yes. Yeah, that somebody died thinking they hadn't really achieved much. Someone was telling me recently about a movie or something they watched about the guy who wrote Rent. Yes, tick-tip-boom.

And he died like the night of the... Opening night of rent. Right. Or the night before. I think it was dressed rehearsal or something. Yeah. Without knowing that story, he sounds like someone worthy of her. Yeah.

Obviously, that's still a, I mean, I've heard of, I've never seen it, but I've heard of, it's a pretty influential musical parents. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the one where they play. 525,600 minutes. I've heard that.

I was going to say, that's the one where they tap on the bins and stuff. No. And wear steel cap boots. Stomp. Stomp. Is that tap dogs? You're thinking of tap dogs. I'm thinking of stomp.

I'm thinking of stomp. I'm thinking of, well, I mean, rent probably influenced all these. And rent is the one. The first one to tap on the beans. Rent is the one that's based on La Boeem, the opera that we did for book cheat. Yeah. But I didn't realize at the time because I don't know anything about musicals. A few people said, why didn't you mention Rent?

Sorry, I didn't know. Yeah, that was funny because I was just hearing about that movie this week. So, yeah, I can't think of it. I don't know why I can't think of it. No, I can't really think either. I guess, you know, like all that 27 Club. Yeah, I was thinking, Amy Winehouse. Yeah.

Yeah. Kurt Cobain. They would know. I mean, he would know. I mean, he was pretty aware at the time, but I wonder if it would blow their minds to see that they, like all of them, I think, died pretty massive already. Yeah. I wonder if that, but to know that they're still thought of a lot would be interesting. Yeah, it's really cool.

It's a great question and the kind of one that I, yeah, I feel like I'll think of better answers. For sure. For the coming weeks. Absolutely. Great question. Thanks, Logan. I'll have to track down that Dr. Hussain. Sounds awesome. Yeah, he would have been the one I probably would have thought.

He's the most famous who. who died without knowing that his work was going to become so loved. Yeah. Maybe what about who's that comedian who went to jail a lot for swearing in America in like the 50s? Went to jail for swearing. Yeah. And he died quite, I think he died in his 30s. I have no idea.

Dave, does that ring a bell for you at all? You know his name. I reckon, have you heard it? In the 50s. Lenny Bruce. Ah. So he died in 66, so I think he was already, you know, pretty, he was well regarded while he was alive, but I think his legacy's gone on and I think people talk about him like he paved the way

for a lot of people. So, yeah. John Belushi, another past, I mean, he was huge, but. Yeah. There's American writer John Kennedy. tool who took his own life and then 11 years later his book a confederacy of dunces was published I believe after his mom pushed hard for it to be sold and it sold millions of copies and is now seen as like one of the great comedy novels of the 20th century and he died without

knowing any of that and he was only about 30 years old 31 just looked at I found a list here and it won the Pulitzer Prize for fiction after he died so pretty pretty amazing Apparently, Herman Melville died before he was a household name. Franz Kafka. Emily Dickinson's on this list. Johann Sebastian Bark. Wow, that's an influential one. Yeah, cool.

Yeah, great question. Really good question. Yeah, one that you'll keep mulling about. Yeah, maybe if one of us remember, we should do a post and get people to put their answers in there. I reckon on the Patreon group, someone will start a thread about that. Thank you so much for that question. Great one, Logan. Finally this week for the fact quote a question

We've got Julian Barnes Who's got the title of Guy in Charge Of Turning Up the Radio When Natalie and Brulia's turn comes on Turn or torn? Torn. Do I say turn? But when she's played it is her turn It is her turn

I'm turn I'm already turn Because it was a cover She changed that one letter And got a right credit Yeah She nailed it Sorry Julian

Julian has a question as well Which is what is your most treasured piece of junk He has answered the question Mine is a beautiful hardback copy of 101 Dalmatians That was chewed up by my Dalmatian when he was a puppy He had the whole bookshelf to choose from And he grabbed that one book I've kept it on the shelf all chewed up

That is a great piece of junk That's cute Junk Yeah good question It's funny what people can see what others would consider to be junk like I've got a childhood teddy. Yes. It would mean absolutely nothing to anyone else.

But, you know, on the open market, probably wouldn't fetch that much money. Not yet, not until after you die. Yeah, and then I'm selling everything. And then you can bring me back

to show me my influence and also how you crossed me by selling my stuff. Yeah, and how much money I made by selling all your stuff. I get your stuff if you die, right? Yeah, sure, sure. Yeah, you're in my will. I've got things I keep like old,

I've got like old ticket stubs for concerts I saw a long time back when you used to use physical ticket stubs. Old footy records that would not be worth much, but just looking at send me back to being six years old at Mariband Footy Ground and stuff like that. That's nice. Yeah, I got like old Game Boy Pocket Games for the Game Boy, which if you sold on an eBay, I'd probably get about $8. But I'm still like, oh, it's fun to see the packet of the James Bond game that I got in 1996.

Love that. Yeah. Yeah, it's funny. It's just those things that just bring back memories. Yeah. Yeah, great question, Julian. I can't think of anything. Everything for you is worth so much.

Yeah, I have no junk. You're looking around this room, Matt, looking for junk. There's none. The second you pointed something and say, what about that? I'll be like, how dare you? What about that photo of you graduating? Yeah, that can fucking go. Graduating uni.

looking uncomfortable because the little hat I'm wearing is too tired on my big head. Thank you very much to Julian, Logan, Nathan and Stefan for those facts, those quotes and those questions. And we did get a factor quote and question that time. The other people we love to thank at the end of the episode our other supporters are on the shout-out level. I think the ask prod level or above.

And Jess, we normally come up with a little game based on the topic of the day. Do you have anything for today? Where they store the key. Oh yes, love that. Obviously Arthur Vickers around his dick. Or in his house. If I could kick us off,

I'd love to thank from Pakenham in the Australian Capital Territory, Bo Stephen. Bo Stephen keeps the key in his left shoe. Well, he did until I exposed him. By grabbing his shoe. He's cleverly putting it in his right shoe now. Now I'll never find it. He's hopping after you.

Hey, come back. O'ey, come back here. Oh, Bo, you have been foiled, and I apologise for that. I do. I do. Hopefully that key doesn't open any important safes. I'd also love to thank from Forest Lake in Queensland, Australia, Millie B. Millie B.

Millie B keeps her key. In a birdhouse, in her soul. Oh, okay. Yes. So, hang on. Location-wise, it's in her soul. Yes. and then it's inside a birdhouse in her soul.

Fuck, that's better than a shoe, isn't it? But also, a soul. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, I'm not sure. Am I getting that from a They Might Be Giant song, I think? Oh, okay. It did sound like it just fell out of your mouth.

Yeah, I was thinking that at first, but I think I've just taken up. Birdhouse in her soul is fantastic. Yeah. That's real good. Also got a little bit of Doom Patrol. There's a character who's got like a birdhouse in his chest. Oh, really? which I think is where one of the characters puts a key for safekeeping.

So I'm absolutely unoriginal. What an absolute hack over here. I thought you'd been really interesting. Now I don't feel so bad about saying shoe. When you said Birdhouse, I was like, this is really impressive. Yeah, in a soul, okay. We're getting kind of spiritual at this level. This is interesting.

And finally for me, I'd love to thank from... And Dave, you recently... Pekiski. Jess, you are quick. Kipsky in New York. Or Poughkeepsie. Perkipsy. Also, does I say Poughkeepsie?

Yeah, which is a great name. The United States. Garrett Oakley. So I've had two Pekipskies lately. Peky. Yeah. Good on you, Garrett Oakley, who keeps his key taped to the back of a large novelty check. Because no one never looks at the backside.

Yeah, you're right. Everyone's like, whoa, look at those big letters and big numbers. Whoa, it's a big check. Check the back. There's a key there. There's a key for treasure. To a Mazzarati. Something else you won.

May I thank some people? Sure. I would love to thank from Bedford in Great Britain. That came up today. Bedford, yes, that's true. Or castle. I would love to thank Lucas Sheared. Lucas Sheared.

Better sheared and not her. So Lucas, I reckon, keeps his key in, right in the clock. Can't lose it if it's already in the lock Exactly Never lose it That's good That's actually incredibly smart Yeah

And everybody should do that And then send me your address Never get locked out that way Never get locked out So thank you Lucas I would also love to thank From Tidworth Also in Great Britain

Danny Charlotte Danny Charlotte keeps the key At the back of a vending machine Behind those apricot slice sort of biscuits Oh, so you've got to buy a bunch of. Who in their right, mine would buy one of those? Yeah, okay.

So no one's ever getting it. So to get it back, you need to buy like 10 apricot. Yeah, so it looks a bit suspicious, but no one's doing that. Every time you want to get into your house. I've just got a craving for an apricot bickie. Yeah, I need 11. Oh, that would annoy me. Genius, Danny.

That is genius. That's very good, Danny. A little closer to home from Geelong West here in Victoria. I would love to thank Mahima and Tom. Mahima and Tom. Mahima and Tom are keeping their key in the amazing maze. James Sherry's there. Oh, great.

The sirens are about to go off. Yeah. They're going down the slide. A Super Nintendo is up for grabs. Oh my goodness. What a great show from our childhoods. I saved it for people from Geelong. So there'd be some chance of knowing the reference.

No what it is. There you go. Thank you. Those radio clowns that go like this, that you put balls in their mouths and you get keys. Yeah. You got to time the order of the donkey congs ride or something. Yeah. Very vague memories of that show. Great show, a lot of fun.

I always wanted to do the maze. Yeah, it looked like a lot of fun. Yeah. It looked amazing. Hey, I would like to think... I just got it. I would like to think from, I believe, from one of the Twin Cities from St. Paul, Minnesota, Tyler Daughters.

Tyler Daughters. Would you believe that moment. moments before recording, I check our Patreon message bank and Tyler message asking if the shoutout was due anytime soon. I'm like, you know what, Tyler? We are literally about to record. Isn't that wild? That's amazing timing. Absolutely amazing. And where's Tyler? They've waited a long time for the shoutout, but where's their key kept, Matt? From St. Paul and Minnesota, Twin Cities. Minnesota, Minneapolis. Yeah, Minneapolis, St. Paul. the Twin Cities and Tiger Wolves.

This is one of the things I know about them. And I believe that Tyler's key is in the belly of the mascot. Oh, as in the person inside. Wow, they've swallowed the key. Yes. Oh, no. Oh, dear. No, no, that's, you can't get saved than that.

Are they going to be okay, though? It's in, it's, you're going to have to poop it. And then what do you do with it? Swallow it again? Yeah. Oh, they've got to swallow their poop. This is a horrible cycle. Sorry, Dave.

I think you misunderstood something. They've got it in a little plastic baggie. They poop it out, put it in a fresh plastic baggy, you swallow it again. And the plastic bag tastes delicious. Yeah, it's really nice. It's like how they make flavoured condoms. This is like a flavoured baggie. Yeah.

We should just use a flavoured condom. Oh, yeah. But it's too late for that. We had to invent a flavour baggie. Swallowing it, so. Ooh, lightning. That's fun. That's fun, isn't it?

That is fun. Can't wait for some thunder. Storming up a storm, which you believe outside. I would like to thank a couple more people There it is That thunder I'd like to dedicate that thunder Dedicate that thunder too

From Melbourne They're probably hearing this right now Jim Jam Flim Flam You don't have for a boy or a girl They look out the window and it's sunny And they're like That's not What the hell

Almost like we recorded this ahead of time Jim Jam Flam Keeps the key in A jam flan Oh Oh okay So you've got it Baked in

Baked in. But what if people help themselves? Well, the thing is Jim Jam is in the big house. Okay. So Jim Jam, a friend of Jim Jam, Flam, has baked it into a Jam Flam and delivered it to prison. Yeah. And that key is going to get Jim Jam out of the big house. And when they delivered it to Jim Jam say, thank you, ma'am.

Yeah. Jim Jam, thank you, man, flim flam. Hey, Jim Jam, appreciate your support. And finally, I would like to thank from a place that, honestly, I thought, was used as a comedy name. Fort Bragg in California Marshall Car Marshall Car Glove box

I mean it's brilliant Because you can also lock the glove box these days Yeah exactly You're not talking about? I've seen this, heard about this Where do you put that key? I need an even bigger glove box It's a series of glove boxes

What is a car if not a glove box A bushka glove boxes Exactly Finally the biggest keys inside a monster truck's glove box Yeah that's sick The whole car is in another car's glove box That's fantastic. Oh, thank you very much to Marshall, Jim Jam, Tyler, Mahima and Tom, Danny, Lucas, Garrett, Millie and Bo.

The last thing we need to do, as the storm is really coming in. It's funny when you listen to a podcast and people are talking about the weather and it's not coming through on the mics at all. I feel like this is coming in. This is what I'm really thank you for that I bought batteries to back up this recorder because I reckon the power could go. The last thing we like to do is thank, oh welcome a couple of people into our Triptitch Club. These are people who have been signed up to support us on the shoutout level or above

for three straight years and they're welcomed into the club. I'm standing on the door. I've got the guest that's ready. I'm going to read out your name. Once you go inside the club, Dave's on the stage, hyping you up. Jess is hyping Dave up.

Jess, you've also got a cocktail normally ready? Yeah, it's Irish. Yes. It is Guinness. Yes. Oh, yeah. And then, but it's got green food coloring and it likes St. Patrick's Day. Love that.

Green beer. Green beer. And then we've got Irish food. We've got some soda bread. We've got a beef stew. Soda bread's the bread you both liked. Oh, that was such nice. That was such great bread.

I was thinking about it recently. I have to remind you every time you go, what is that bread you had? You loved it. So yeah, Irish delicacies today. Delicious. And they had, when we, because we sat in Airbnb in Dublin and we arrived and they had the soda bread, but also a pot of jam and a pot of cream. Oh, my goodness.

What a spot. Geez, that was such a lovely spot to be. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. And Dave, you normally booked a band? Yes, and you're not going to believe it. Oh, my God. Dave, is it another crazy coincidence?

I've been on fire. We've been talking about the Irish Crown Jewels. We've actually booked by accident the Crown Jewel in Irish music, West Life. No, we haven't. Can you believe it? Can you believe it? I asked Dave, two years ago, I said, Dave, book me Westlife. And he suggests it's impossible.

And here he's done it. Are they reunited? Is this Ronan Keating's band? Wow. No, this is Brian McFadden's band. Brian McFadden. He became very popular in Australia for some reason. Because he was dating Delta Goodrum.

Yeah. Of course. Are you thinking of boys' own? Common mistake. Often thinking of boys' own. Yeah. So we've got two inductees this week. Dave, you're ready to give him a big old harp as we welcome them in?

There's only two. Three. Three. I apologize. Oh, so excited. Okay. And that's a very good point, Jess. It would be weird to re-induct last week's inductee.

So, Dave, if you are ready, I'd love to induct from, let's say, Mackin's Beach in Queensland, Australia. It's Dylan Burns. Oh, this guy's so hot, he burns. Yes. Hot, hot, hot. From Swindon in Great Britain. It's Christian. Lincoln.

Oh, Swind and more like Wendon. Yeah, because Christian's here. Yeah, yeah. From, finally from Glasgow in Scotland, it's Alec Mungle. Glasgow on in. Yes, Glasgow on in. We love you, Alec. Do Glasgow on.

Do Glasgow on. Jess has given me a strong no there. Come on, mate. So welcome into the club, Alec, Christian and Dylan. Like I say, if you want to be involved in that, just sign up on the shoutout level. or above and wait three years. We'll see you in three years time. It's the hot, the hottest ticket in town.

So that brings us to the end of the episode. And the end of Dugan for the year. Yeah. Anything we need to tell people? Well, big news. We will be returning in 2022. James Bond, I mean, do go on will return. I know you were a bit like,

oh, they go back? Yes, you can't get rid of us. We are very much in a habit now of doing this. A happy habit from my point of view. We will see you next week. because we do not take breaks, only the week do, unless we do one day down the track take like a break, in which case there's nothing wrong with taking breaks.

We're taking a break out of power. Yeah, exactly right. Power break. Power now. But yeah, as always, you can find us on social media at DoGoOnPod. You can email us at Do Go OnPod at gmail.com. And you don't have to be a Patreon or support us in any financial way to suggest a topic. Anybody can do that.

There's a link in the show notes and also on our website. So you can absolutely go do that. Tell us a cool story you want to hear more about. That'd be awesome. Yeah. So really, that brings us the end of the year of episodes. Dave,

boot this baby home. What an absolute pleasure has been podcasting with you in 2021. And I hope to continue this tradition in 2022. But until then... Actually, Dave's contract has not been written. Oh, God, it hurts. There will be a new day.

A podcast is going to be pretty shit. Yeah, I've gone from doing all the reports to none of the reports. Hey, I promise you, I'll be back. I will blackmail them into it. letting me come back. But until then, I will say thank you so much and goodbye. Happy day. Bye. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there.

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