Do Go On - 356 - The Sinking of the MTS Oceanos

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

This week Matt and Jess are joined by comedian and friend, Kirsty Webeck, to hear the story about how an unlikely group sprung into action when the cruise ship they were on suddently started taking on water. A LOT of water. Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: dogoonpod.com or patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/suggest-a-topic/ Check out our new merch! : https://do-go-on-podcast.creator-spring.com/ Stream our 300th episode with extra quiz (and 16 other episodes with bonus content): https://sospresents.com/authors/dogoon Check out our AACTA nominated web series: http://bit.ly/DGOWebSeries​ Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader Thomas REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MTS_Oceanoshttps://www.oceanossinking.com/https://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-60841291https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-moss-hills-story-the-sinking-of-the-oceanos/id1525651535?i=1000543446332 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we've got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serengy Amarna 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. And welcome to another episode of Do Go On. And my name is Jess Perkins. And as always, I'm joined by Matt Stewart. Hey, Jess, it's so good to be here.

But it's not just you and I alone, because our little man friend, David Warnocky, our little man friend. It's still away. And we miss him so. Yes, and we believe him to still be alive in Europe. We have not heard confirmation. No. As such, but we believe.

believe in our hearts that he's not dead in a gutter somewhere. We've got a tracker on his phone and it hasn't moved in some time. And it is near a gutter. We're assuming he's putting his feet up on the gutter having a well-deserved break. But in Dave's stead, in his very small but important shoes, we have a first time guests. And I'm so excited to welcome you here today, Kirstie Webeck. Hello, mates. It's nice to be here.

If it makes things easier for you, you can call me Kirsty Warnocky. Thank you, yes. That will make it easier. Okay. That will make it a lot easier. Happy to help. We do call Dave, Dave Warnocky at all times as well. I call him Kirsty Warnocky, so that actually makes it...

It makes it a lot easier. A lot easier. I don't know how that joke started, but yeah, we've always called him Kirstie Warnocky. I've come full circle here today. Yeah. Now, Jess, as Kirsty is at first. time guests on the show. I thought maybe you could explain to her how the show works. I would love to. And I mean, Kirsty is a long-time listener, first-time guester.

Superfan. Superfan. Where's our merch around a lot, which I love. Yeah, I do. Do you give it a wash or just... It's actually in the washing machine right now, which is why it's not on. Because you will know that you'll definitely know this because I did it to you. I sent you a message yesterday. And it was simply a photo of me at the dog park. in when I do go on jumper. So Jess will know that because it happened to.

I know it. So as such, it's currently in the wash. Yeah, you take anything to a dog park, it's getting dirty, let me tell you. But everyone's having a good time. Anyway, so my question. Because the dog shit on it? The dog shit all over it. Really?

Yeah, they do. Yeah. Where else is a dog going to shit? Dog society is such a curious place to me. Matt doesn't understand pets. Yeah. Having dog shit on you for fun. It's weird.

I don't get it. Yeah, yeah, especially when you don't have. have a dog yourself. Yeah, it is odd. It's an odd decision. Yeah. I'm a cat man. You're a scat woman.

So, yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? That is true. So my question to get us onto the topic is, what's the worst thing that you'd be worried about if you were on a cruise? Oh, okay. Or could go wrong on a cruise. I reckon like a ventriloquist being the only entertainment. We are going to talk about entertainers a bit.

You've done some cruise ships, haven't you? Do you realize that this is no word of a lie. I am getting on a cruise ship in two days. I knew it. Yeah. Can I also clarify it is for business, not pleasure. Okay. No shade on anyone that does enjoy going on a cruise for pleasure.

Yeah, that's fine. But I am going to work on a cruise ship. The first one since you know what. Fuck yeah, that's exciting. 9-11? Since Voldemort? Yes, since Voldemort. Anyway, you're not meant to say it.

Yeah, sorry. It's you know who. How long are you on the seas for? I am on the high seas, being the salty sea dog that I am. Yeah. For three nights. Okay. Is that true?

Who are you talking to? Yes, it's true. I'm talking to myself. Oh my gosh. Sorry, I really went into something existential then. Is that true? Is that true? Are you now?

What are you looking at? What are you looking at, Matt? Is your friend here with you now, Kirsty? It's three nights, yes. That's correct. It's so weird because as I was writing this yesterday, I thought to myself, I should check just to make sure that Kirsty isn't going on a cruise in the...

Oh, no. Oh, this is... Yes. So what could it be, do you reckon? It might have happened to this cruise. I'm guessing an iceberg. Not an iceberg. Or a pirates?

Not pirates. Or a big hole? It's sinking though, isn't it? It's sinking, yeah, yep. A hole in the bucket. A hole in the bucket. Oh, is this, it's like the... Italy, is what I'm trying to say.

It's not... I've already forgotten what that one was called. That wasn't that long ago, though. No, it was actually. No. La Cocker rocha. Is it... It's not the one, not the Ruby Princess.

No, no, no, no. Oh, shit. It came up a lot in the research about this one, because when the Italian one sank, a lot of people likened it to the story that I'm going to tell you today. Italian cruise, sick. Well, just looking that up. So you're doing three nights.

You do like, what, an hour each night? Costa Concordia. Not even. Not even. Oh, Costa Concordia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a lot. Like, Cucoracha Concordia.

That was in 2012. That's correct. Yeah. No, I, no, I, not even, not even that much. Oh, cool. Yeah, I'm, I've got one night off to begin with. You've got three nights and got one night off. Yeah, which is good.

That's not bad. Two on one off, love that. Because I like to work smarter, not harder. That's right. That's right. You know me. They call me two gigs a year we're there. But those gigs, you've got to be there.

You got to be at them. I knock those out of the park because I'm well rested. Great first up. The first one there are cobwebs to blow out. But you really hit your stride halfway through the second one. That's exactly right. Yeah, I've got to blow those cobwebs off. because it's been 300 days since I was on stage.

Give me some space. No, it's not Costa Concordia. But, yeah, when that happened in 2012, a lot of people made some correlations to the sinking of the MTS Oceanos. Oh, is that Greek? Yes, it was a French-built cruise ship built in 1952, and it was acquired by a Peritiki, which is a Greek shipping company in the mid-70s.

So, yeah, it's a Greek shipping line. And the route that the ship was traveling in the early 90s was along the South African coast. So it was going between Cape Town and Durban with stops along the way and also into the Indian Ocean Islands, so traveling up to around Madagascar and Mauritius. On this particular voyage, the Oceanus had sailed from Cape Town to East London, South Africa,

because I was like, East London said, okay. My geography's bad, but not that bad. I was like, I'm pretty sure the Cape Town to London is quite a journey. It just sounds really far. Yeah. I don't know you guys. It just seems really far. That's me.

And after a stop in East London, they would sail on to Durban. So all of the guests disembarked in East London and stayed in a resort for the night, as the ship had been booked for a wedding. Somebody hired out an entire cruise ship for his son's wedding. He was like this wealthy businessman in South Africa. It just hired an entire cruise ship. Every single person staying on that cruise ship was put up in a hotel so this guy could throw an all-night party on a cruise ship.

Wow. That's money, baby. Well, it's somebody who was recently engaged. And... Oh, what happened? What? He's assumed that the engagement has happened and a breaker. Yeah.

You were recently engaged, not anymore? Still engaged. Still engaged. Yeah. Got engaged and are currently still engaged. Okay. Well, you, I mean, give us full context. Yeah, okay.

So, you assume that I'm going to leap to conclusions? So, Kirsty should have said, as an engaged person. Yeah, sorry. As an ongoing, engaged person. As in engaged to be married, not as in, engaged in an activity. Okay, thank you. On the phone, but the phone is engaged.

As an engaged person, Matt, and I'm engaged, not you, or you might be as well. But as one of those, and also as someone who is rolling in the dough, having completed their two gigs for the year, I'm getting some real ideas about this cruise shit wedding. I think if I were you while I was on a cruise in a few days' time, I'd be rubbing shoulders. I'd be networking I'd be like Oh bonjour, captain I'm assuming it's a friendship You're going on

Absolutely, it's a friendship I'm going on Well, that's very good I think you're right I'm going to be shimming my way up To the captain's table on Friday night Don't you worry about that And then, you know, mate's rates I like it, I like it a lot

The cruise has a night off And they're like, Kirsty, come on down You want to get hitched You want to get hitched In the nightclub on the top deck What better place to get married than somewhere you've just had two of the greatest nights of your year. Yeah.

Let's make it one more. One more great night. One more great night to remember. Actually, I'm into it. I don't know if you do want to get married on a cruise, but... So what year are we in the 70s? We're in the early 90s. Okay.

91. I've been paying attention. Close enough. 91, the year the Eagles won their first premiership? No, that's not true. Hawthorneum. on their. If I recall correctly, a team definitely won.

Oh, yes. But I actually would argue that a team lost as well. Oh. Yeah. Oh, that's pretty glass-up entry stuff. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Sure. That's me. I'm just a bit of a glum little thing over here. Death exists. I think that was Michael Tuck's last premiership. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kentucky. Yeah. Yeah.

record holder Michael Tuck? Or he used to be. He was at the time. Yeah, was he engaged at the time. I think he was engaged at the time. Not anymore. Not anymore. Oh, that's sad.

Good on you, tuckie. You know when people say, like, people get married and they're like, my ex-fiance because it's now their wife or something, and you're like, yeah. Oh, you can use that, Kirsty. Oh. You can have that. Thank you. Yeah, just be like, hey, everyone, thanks so much for coming.

We just want to announce that we are no longer engaged. Because we're married. And everyone will go, that's why we pay the big bucks to do all those comedy gigs. That is good shit. Would that work when everyone's at the wedding already? That's when they do it. That's when it's always grooms and that's when they make that joke. I don't think the bit works.

It doesn't. It's not that funny. Yeah, it would only work if you were just at like an inconspicuous, not inconspicuous, innocuous, like, pool party. Yeah. And you're like, hey everyone, it's me, you good friend, Kirstie Weaver. And oh no, look over there, it's my ex-fiancee. Yeah.

It's my ex-fiancee, Elle. Yeah. Because we got married. Exactly. And that's why it works in four weddings and a funeral when Hugh Grant is talking to, you know, an acquaintance at a wedding. And he says, how's so and so? And he says, oh, it's not my. He says, how's that lovely fiancé or something?

It's, oh, no longer my fiancé. And Hugh Grant says, oh, well, you know, I had, never mind. I heard she was sleeping with somebody else anyway. And then the guy goes, because she's my wife. So maybe just don't make the joke. Maybe just don't. I think you might hear people's real feelings about Elle. And I've heard, she's a real pill.

She's awful. She's a bad person. And now that I know that you're not engaged in her, I can tell you, I've heard she's sleeping with someone else. So you're actually dodged a bullet there. Lucky. Wow. Who knew this was going to be the big expose on Elle episode of Duke on plot?

Sorry about that. But as you're not. friends we felt like we needed to tell you thank you for bringing me on the pod to tell me what else made up to feel like a waste of gossip we didn't get it on the zoom well i'm really sad now but i suppose i have to finish the episode yeah sorry we're only 12 minutes in so i do need you to compose yourself why don't you tell me at the end this is actually really mean yeah that's true that's good feedback for next time thank you thank you did you ever explain to kirstie how the show works i figured Yeah, didn't we?

Nah. Nah, we've just assumed that I know, and of course I know, because I'm very clever. No, I just did the question. Oh, you know, because remember Jess when I started saying how I'm a super fan, and it's my first time on it, like, it's cause, do go on potty's course things from my veins. Wow. But if somebody is listening for the first time, and they've made it this far not knowing what it's about, we tell you about a thing.

Yeah, and you're all quite. It's always a cruise-related story. Yeah, it's a cruise. Tom Cruise, Bacardi Breezer. which are related to vodka cruisers. And I started saying that, thinking that it was going to end in cruiser, but it didn't. It ended in Breezer.

Penelopee Cruz. I'm trying to cover for you now. Ted Cruz. Cruz. Cruz Beckham. Cruise Beckham. Yeah. I didn't make that up, did I?

No, they've got a cruise. Yeah, they've got a cruise. Cruise Beckham. Great. Yeah, the other ones as well. Terry Cruz. Oh, that's a good one. Different spelling also.

Yeah. like backstage cruise. Yeah. Production cruise. The wedding that was held on the cruise. I'm up to the third dot point. Oh my gosh, go, go, go. No, no, no.

How many do? And she's got like four dot points. I've got like six to go. Yeah, no. So, yeah, all the guests disembark, and they're staying in a hotel. And the wedding was to be a lavish affair. Had two priests, don't know why,

huge amount of flowers and approximately 400 guests. Is this about the two priests? Yeah, I think the more priests, the more pizzazz. More, you know, that's razzle-dazzle to me. And I hope they're like glittered up, you know, wearing those glittery scarves that priests do for special occasions. Yeah. You two church types?

Pardon? You a church goer? No, I grew up a Catholic though. Yeah. Same. I think all three of us did. Did we? Remember they had like they wore different coloured scarfs?

It was a beautiful one at Easter. Yeah. That's why we've all got loose. Morals. We grew up Catholic. That's right. And that's why we all feel awful about it. I've got loose morals and I'm racked in guilt.

I reckon it's two priests purely because of the cruise ship wedding. It's a spare. Yes. But when one of them slips and goes overboard. Oh, that's true, yeah. Poirot is also there. Which is never a good sign. You've got to have a backup priest.

Yeah. That's all, you know, one might get seasick. Yeah. It's always good. And you can't, where we get another priest. Yeah, exactly. You can't just get one from nowhere. You don't just go below deck and have a rummage around and come up with another priest.

Yeah. You've got to prepare one. B.Y.O. You've got to be Y O. Both survive, then you can just add a little razzle dazzle. I think that's exactly right. So they can do like more sort of, you know, they can do some choreographed dancing and arm movements. Yeah, just some tasteful stuff like our movements.

Yeah. Yeah, they can sing our father song or prayer together harmonized. Oh, that's nice. Our father who are in heaven. How quickly would you get through communion? Disco version. With a bit of help. Yeah.

All right. 400 people. Yeah, that's 200 each. That's so easy. Body of Christ. That's how our priest when I was a kid. Did you still it? He held the ass.

Body of Christ. Oh, I love that. Speaking of Razzle dazzle. That is Razzle dazzle, isn't it? That's interesting. Yeah. Yeah. I don't remember how Father Mackay did it.

Well, he obviously didn't have a weird work then. It was not memorable. I don't remember either because I'd usually lost consciousness by that point. Yeah. I was just there for a snack. I'm like, oh yeah, I have a little bit of wafer, thank you. I'd love the taste of those wafers. It did feel like a snack.

Yeah. In primis, I remember we were like, oh, yeah, we're up to the snack bit. It was so good when you had your first communion and then you could go up at school mass. Yeah. Because otherwise, but the early years, you're just sitting there watching. And then, yeah, I'm going to get to have some. And then when you're allowed to have the first, you're allowed to have the, wine as well.

I've never had the wine. Drink from a cup that a hundred people have just drunk from before you. It's a COVID nightmare. I never made it to the wine stage. I've never ever had the wine. I denounced my faith at the age of 12. Did you? Wow.

Yeah, that's good. I was a full, full believer until 17. Oh. So what age did you get to start chugging down vino? Yeah, when did they let you drink the wine? I can't remember. I feel it was, yeah, I think they'll, you know, you can have a little sip. I reckon you had a fake ID that he'd flush around at church.

Father Foyne's... I mean, the father was the same one who baptized you, so he knows. Surely he could have just run the numbers. Hang on a sec. Carrey the two. You're only supertree. Yeah, that's a good point. Matthew Stewart.

I think I kept going. After I started having some doubts about things, I think I was probably, maybe I still went a bit for like, you know, Christmases and big events. Because my, you know, my parents kept going. It wasn't until we're adults that my dad sort of came clean that he sort of didn't really believe in it all. Yeah, right. And my sister, I don't know if I've said this before. But my sister was like, what are you talking about?

You took us to church every Sunday and you didn't even really believe in it all? And he's like, yeah. She's like, why did you do that? And he goes, oh, I just found it pretty relaxing. Wow, so is yoga, Dad. He just liked a bit of peace and quiet for an hour on a Sunday morning. Dad's, the pool's relaxing as well. Yeah, there's so many relaxing things.

A walk in the park's relaxing, Dad. He went up and did the readings and everything. Like, he was fully involved in it all. Well, I'm sorry, but doing the readings is not relaxing, Dad. Not at all. I think he loved a bit of performance. Very stressful. Yeah.

Get him down to an open mic night. He could open for me at one of my two gigs. Oh, that'd be great. Yeah. He could come on the cruise. It took me on Friday. A letter from the Corinthians? I'm sure he'll appreciate me talking about all this publicly,

as I just remembered we are doing. Yeah, we went on a tangent just because of the two priests for the wedding. Apologies to all the cruise crash fans out there. Get to the sinking. So big wedding, 400 people, a lot of flowers. According to the cruiser's musician, Moss Hills, incredible name.

We sailed out of the harbour. and into the rather daunting seas. After a few hours at sea, the bridal party decided that it was too rough to have the wedding, and we should return to the dock and stay in the relative calm of the harbour. Tugs were duly summoned, and we returned to the harbour, much to the relief of all the staff. We knew that it would be difficult to conduct a wedding ceremony with the ship constantly pitching and rolling. Once we'd entered the harbour, the ship stabilised significantly, and we all breathed a little easier. However, the bride took a look around and said she didn't want to get married at the docks.

wanted to go back out to sea. So the tugs were called again and off we went back into the storm. Okay, so when you're calling a tug, that's not a euphemism. No, that's a tugboat. I love how, I love how we both are. We hone in on the same thing because I was thinking, like, what an amazing sentence. Yeah. Out of context.

Tugs were summoned. Tugs is summoned. Yeah, like someone's getting fed grapes, you know, being fanned with an olive branch or, no, whatever the branches they fan you with. Palm. Palm An olive branch They're offering peace

asking for forgiveness Yeah There's I summon the tugs Tugs have been summoned Look there's sometimes When I could very easily rewrite things myself

In a way that isn't hilarious But I was like Yeah There's something for them here We're gonna use Mose's words here Mosey Tugs were summoned

And all is that Sorry The Moss Hill thing Is that like one individual's name? Yeah. Yeah, that's incredible. First name, Moss, last name Hills. I love it.

How good is that? Yeah, it's really good. He's a great character. We're going to hear quite a lot about him. Oh, Moss. Moss Hills. So, yeah, the bride has been like, let's get back out there. So Moss is like, this really was a wedding with a big budget.

It costs thousands of dollars each time a tug and the harbour pilot are used. How much for a tug? Thousands. Thousands. Imagine that's a good quality tug. That would be a good. The 90s as well. It would be a very good tug.

Tug's got to be universal. That's not an Australian word, is it? I mean, even if it's not universal, surely. They could probably. Yeah, I think they've figured it out by now. But then again, we get a lot of them actually's. We don't, there's not a lot of words we just have ourselves. They're nearly always from America or England.

Yeah. Tug. Tug. That feels like, I reckon that's English probably. Probably. I'll have a tug. Come on gorgeous, give us a tugger. Give us a tug, gorgeous.

I wish the listeners could see your face when you said that, Jess. But I also feel like they will be able to see your face. They can hear your face. Give us a tug, sweet art. Gorgeous. Come on gorgeous. Come on gorgeous. Come on gorgeous.

Such a grim scene you've painted. I'm sorry. Yeah, I hate it. So the wedding goes ahead. Only a little bit of vomiting and the party continues until dawn. Apparently there was the bridal party had like hired somebody to play on the organ and brought her on. It wasn't just like the ship's entertainment.

The ship's entertainers were also performing, but the organist was there too. Could not stop vomiting. just the whole time. The organist. And that side note is so funny to me with only a little bit of vomiting. Like, I prefer none.

Like, I just don't want a sidebar at all when you're talking about my wedding where we were acknowledging anything to do with vomit. It's interesting. You know, only a little bit of vomit. Not minimal vomit, actually. You guys looked beautiful. Food was amazing.

Only a little bit of vomit. Hey? Barely any vomit to speak of. Almost not worth bringing out. I'd say four and a half out of five stars. Like, so good. The vomit was negligible. It was like two people.

And yeah, it was all night. And in the middle of the ceremony, but like... They couldn't leave. We're on a boat. Well, this party, yeah, it went all the way through till dawn. It was sort of part of like the contract. They wanted to like party all night. And so as dawn is breaking, they play.

they play their final song. So it's just this all-nighter. And the next morning, the weather's still looking pretty wild. Strong winds are whipping about. And most of the crew assumed that with the conditions being as bad as they were, the ship wouldn't leave the dock that night. They probably weren't going to sail. Sailing time was delayed many times

before it was finally decided that conditions further out to sea were improving and therefore they could set sail later that night. They're like, it's shit right here, yeah. But where we're going, fine. So we'll just go. Like we just go. It's fine over there. We just got to get there.

That's clever. So easy. Easy peasy. I know heaps about boats. And that to me sounds easy. It'd be easier to sail over there than stay here at the dock. Yeah. This is the hard bit.

Yeah, it sounds so easy. Like, what do we do? Pull the anchor up. Go, go, go. Off we go. Sail, sail, sail. You know, this wind, it'll probably just blow us to a good bit. We'll be pushed to a good bit.

So let's all just have a nap. What could possibly go wrong? You can fucking chill out. You guys are being real kill joys. It's going to be super easy. Yeah, we're just really easily getting to a nice bit. What's the big deal? That's a big deal.

That's a big deal. I don't have your nice little dinner. Okay? Watch some entertainment. Have a kit. Just chill out. Oh, I get it. Some of you don't want to be in a nice bit.

Yeah. Oh, okay. You just want to be in the rough, terrible weather. Okay. However you want to enjoy your holiday. That's P.C. P.C. You're going mad, don't you think?

Oh, we don't want to say. because it's not appropriate anymore. Unbelievable. You can't sail anywhere anymore. Yeah. So, so infuriating. Yeah. So is this back to the people who were staying in the hotels?

The wedding? Yeah, so the wedding's gone. They just had it for the night. Man, as far as Kirstie and I know, we're like, which group of people are about to be caught in an awful situation? So it's the people that had, yeah, we're planning on taking this cruise all the way, yeah, to Durban.

So they've just spent one night on land And then they're back to their sea cabins Usually as the ship set sail Moss and his wife Tracy played on the deck for a sail away party Every time they set sail, they would be a party Fun but rough seas moved the party inside Into the Four Seasons lounge A lot of passengers chose just to go straight to their cabins

Like it's a bit shit As passengers and also crew had dinner around 7pm, Moss recalled waiters struggling to carry trays and avoid colliding as the 30-foot swell outside caused the ship to rock and move quite dramatically. I don't know too much about the high seas. I know that I keep giving off the vibe that I do. Yeah, you've definitely got a nautical vibe. That's because I make you call me captain.

And I'm skipper. I know how it works. A little skipper on the captain. Can I have a name? Tugboat. Okay. Or just Tugger. Tugger, what do you like?

Tugger, thank you. Tugger's been summoned. 30 foot swells sounds large. Yeah, it's not great. That's taller than us all put together. Imagine us. Do you reckon? Imagine the three of us as a swell.

Yeah. Hang on. Yes, do you reckon? Matt, you're just. I'm five, seven. Yeah, I'm 5-7 as well. And I'm 20. Oh, no, we're just over.

That's 20-foot pole. That's too tall to fit in the building. It doesn't come up that often. It's weird. It is weird. That I'm easily the tallest person ever exists. I mean, I think we focus more on the fact that Dave is pocket size. Yeah.

We don't really talk about you being. The fact that it's my pocket. Yeah, because you're a huge. I'm a huge man. It's really big swell. That's huge. It's not great. And they're literally like they're being knocked around a lot.

It's not just a big. bit of a sway that you might get on any kind of boat ship. Like the spirit of Tasmania for instance. That's right. Yeah, that is a boat. Well, the first cruise ship that I ever worked on, there was a huge storm in Sydney. And we were meant to sail away at 4pm, but we had to wait until 11. And we were just docked, obviously, in the harbour there.

And even that, like, while docked was like, whoa. Even in the harbour. Yeah, in the harbour. That's quite still the harbour. Yeah. Yeah, and you could still, like, and the point I'm making is that that was not 30 foot swell. You could absolutely feel it. So that is terrifying.

I get quite seasick as well. So even reading with sometimes, I'm like, bleh. Like the manly fairy on a still day. Yeah. You get land sick, Jess. I do. I get sick easily. This is something that I,

I, this is embarrassing to tell what I'm going to. I do a thing where I make my make. I get my boyfriend, he has his arms around me, and then I put my arms up, and I do a little spin while his arms stay around me. So I just get to do a little spin, and it's something I do quite regularly. And last night I did it, I went, oh, I'm a bit dizzy. And he went, you always get dizzy. Just from doing it 360, I get dizzy.

So that's why he gets his arms around you so you don't tumble. Yeah. I got dizzy having to hear that. Yeah. Why do you do this? It's a bit of fun. This is a bit of fun. I used to go, wee, what I'm doing it.

We make fun of people in the older days and the things they do for fun. And I don't think they're, they weren't, they were at least going to see a train or wave at a fire engine. Well, you guys just have no whimsy. And I'm sorry that your lives are dull and your relationship. I was just thinking how much I'd hate to be a fly on the wall at Chess of me too. This is the cutesy stuff she's willing to tell us about.

You can only imagine what else they're up to. It's insufferable. So guests started to gather in the lounge, taking their seats, ready to see the evening's entertainment. Kirsty Webeck. Kirstie Webeck. It's on. Supported by Paul Stewart

reading letters to the Corinthians. God, he does it well though. Oh, he does it well. I don't know if this is going to be funny, but it will be relaxing. Everybody just chill out. Quite suddenly at around 8.30-ish p.m., all the lights in the lounge went out.

Unsure if it was just the lounge or the whole ship that was experiencing a blackout, people were relatively calm at first. assuming that the lights had come back on shortly. Without any power for amps or microphones, Moss got his acoustic guitar. It started to play a few sing-along songs. Oh, it's Moss a nightmare.

No, no, no. I mean, it's literally his job. This one's Wonderwall. He is a guitarist. Oh, yeah, well, if there's a guitar here. Oh, hello. I guess I could have a go. Today, it's going to be the day.

You guys want to hear Rip Tide? You've got a ukulele as well. Okay, great. Yeah, so he's just trying to like. sort of calm the passengers, pass the time, figuring that the lights are going to come back on really soon.

Or he figured that a member of the ship's crew would make an announcement over the PA or somebody would come and explain what's going on. So he's just like, oh, everything must be fine. We'll just wait and we'll pass some time. Yeah, I'll rock out. Yeah, exactly. Everybody, he's doing that a lot.

Everybody. You know the words. No, we're here to see UC. No, you know the words. Join in everybody. Come on. Bada deo. And they're like, Jesus, Craig.

Come on, Moss. You're no, Freddie. Eventually, his wife, Tracy, came to the lounge and mentioned that she'd seen one of the senior officers running to his cabin that was near hers, and he was wild-eyed and wet, and wouldn't tell Tracy what was going on. We've all been there. Oh, yeah, I've been there. Wild-eyed and wet. That's me any Saturday night on a cruise ship at the disco.

It's because the tug had just been summoned. You just summon the tugger, let's do it. Wild odd and wet. It's actually because he'd just done a little spin while his boyfriend held his arms around him. I don't know if it's the mood I'm in or what, but I'm hearing a lot of innuendo in this episode. You were talking about docking.

before? What kind of mood would give you that sort of format? Being wild-eyed and wet. Somebody needs a bit of a tug-up. Gorgeous. I like gorgeous. Hello gorgeous. You and Jess, when you said it then, you looked wild-hearted.

Hello, gorgeous. I like gorgeous. I can come over here. Sit on me lap. You look like a different person. when you're in that voice. I have no idea what you're talking about. I blacked out.

It's actually terrifying. Where am I up to in the report? I don't know. Next time I come on the pod, I'm going to request to do it over Zoom. Just so I don't have to be in here. Jess is black on. Do you mind turn your camera off, Jess?

No reason. I think it's a, yeah. You're pulling me off? It's just distracting. Yeah, getting too, yeah, it's a data thing. Yeah, it's a data thing. It's a data thing. I get it.

I'm like, I'm good with computers. Your tech, you get it. I'm pretty cool. At this point as well, the engines of the ship had turned off, which doesn't just mean you're not moving forward. It also means there's no steering. So the ship had turned side on and was getting absolutely hammered by big waves. Okay, getting hammered.

See, everything here. So I just... Big waves. Side on. Big waves. Side on. Pretty sexy. Yeah, that's hot.

You don't get it? Come over here. Just want to do you side on. That's enough. That's enough out of you now. We're almost going to lose our PG rating. That was like... Almost.

Almost. This is the horniest episode of any podcasts I've ever been on. And I've been on some horny podcasts. You've been on the Horn Dogs Horn Week. The Horncast. I exclusively go on a horny podcast. Yeah, you got to. It's my brand.

It was very dangerous and really difficult to move around the ship, and everything that wasn't bolted to the floor was moving around and falling to the ground. So it's just like furniture's falling over, vases are shattering everywhere. A mirror, for example. Mirror, gone. A mirror would have fallen. Oh, that's bad luck. A lot of glassware.

Yeah, a lot of glassware. Cutlery would have fallen also. Yeah, yeah. It makes quite a sound, doesn't it? It does make a sound. Might not break like a glass, but fuck the sound can sometimes you go, ho! Yeah. Clang, clang, clang.

Yeah, you know... Kersie, I'm actually known as the man of a thousand noise. I could do the noise of cutlery clattering, if you like. Would you mind? Yeah. If you... I mean, close your eyes. Okay.

And just, you might be shocked, but this is me making the sound. Okay. Klobit, collo. Klibit, clobit, clobit, clobit, clobit. Clobit, clobit, clobit. I'm confused why this person is dropping the cutlery so many times in a lot of it. row. Oh, there was multiple buckets of cutlery. Oh, no. Is this an in-joke? Like, are you two pranking me? Jess, tell me the truth.

When I had my eyes shut, was Matt repeatedly picking up cutlery and dropping it. Mate. Because please don't make fun of me. I just want to know the truth. No, no, no. No, no. It definitely didn't sound like Matt was making that sound himself. I know. I know. I completely understand. And it took me a while to get my head around it as well. I had to like witness him several times

but I and I hand on my heart no bullshit that was Matt that was Matt there isn't actually even cutlery in this room Yeah have a look there's no cutlery There's no cutlery There's no cutlery and Jess looks really sincere When okay

That is well one I'm really sorry for doubting you But two holy shit mate That is incredible Yeah it's so good I think That's a cute try. You know, Matt's trained for a long time. Yeah, I've practiced a lot.

That was actually incredible. Isn't it great? Yeah. He's quite wasted on this podcast, actually, because sound effects only come up every now and then. Yeah. Yeah, wow. I'm pretty humble about it.

You could be in Hollywood. Yeah, he should be the guy from Police Academy. I should be. I should be the Police Academy guy. He should be. That was incredible. That was so good. That was really good.

Okay. You're starting to embarrass me. Please, Jess, do go on. And still there were no announcements from the PA, no senior crew around to help guide people with what was happening and what to do. So Moss made his way to his cabin, but on his way, he saw three ship security officers running towards the rear of the ship. Sensing that something was... The rear of the ship. You guys.

Our ears are pricking up every three words. Pricking. I think ships are sexy. They're horny. Yeah, they're very horny. I mean, they are. Starboard. It's a place than a ship.

Sexy. So sexy. It's no wetter place than a ship. That's true. Upper deck. Hot. That's hot. Port.

I mean, it's just another word for orifice. Which is such a sexy word. A gorgeous. Show us your orifice. I'm going to plug your port gorgeous. Oh, okay. Absolutely not. This is too sexy.

We crossed a line. It got too sexy. Yeah, this sort of stuff might be legal on international waters, but we're on land right now. Yeah. So he sensed that something serious was happening. So he followed them to the crew stairwell and onto one of the ship's decks. Crew were pouring out from the decks below. Deck very close to dick.

And, oh no. And some looked wet and most had life jackets on. Condoms. Yeah, condoms. They were running to their cabins and grabbing small bags of personal possessions and then racing to the upper decks. Something had happened, but no one was saying what. So Moss writes, Lorraine Betts was the cruise director

and she'd been to the captain a few times and he had told her that there was a problem with the engine and that we should prepare to abandon ship. I argued that this was too dangerous, in the dark, with such mountainous waves, and with the coastlines so rocky and remote. I said that unless we were sinking, then surely our passengers would be safer on board and we could wait for a tug. Lorraine asked the captain if we were sinking and he said no,

there was no water coming in, just an engine problem. I was convinced that he was lying and decided to go down below to find out, down below. You're trying to feed us to it. I want to be in it. Maybe we'll put an embargo on it for a little while. Okay. So it was getting a bit ridiculous. I mean something quite serious is happening.

Yes, which I have forgotten about actually through all this But yeah, I forget that we're hearing a grim story Yeah, sorry No, no, no, no That's what they would have wanted it Um, Moss said that the captain was saying They should prepare to get the guests into lifeboats As a precaution

But when the fuck do you get into lifeboats In the middle of the night in rough seas as a precaution? Yeah, like this massive swell, but like just in case, babe Just like, just a drill Just a drill? Oh, uh, nothing. And why, yeah, so like, why are they too afraid to tell them the truth? Yeah.

Is it they're worried about panic? Yeah, yeah. But that's kind of the captain's job. And they're, like, the crew are all trained in a million different things that could go wrong. Yeah, and like too bad if everyone panics. Like, that's always going to be the case. Yeah. In any disaster like that, you have no control over the fact everyone's going to panic.

Yeah. And you need a little. They're faced with death. You need a little panic. Otherwise, people are like, I'm not going to go do that as a precaution. Yeah, I'm actually lounging, reading a book. Yeah. I think you'll find.

Okay. I've had seven espresso martinis. I'm going to continue to dance. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to sleep until Tuesday. So, yeah, it was a bit odd. As a precaution, get into a lifeboat.

This seems sus a F. That's what Moss reckons. So he and another one of the entertainers named Julian made their way deeper down into the ship to try and figure out what was going on. Remember as well that it's dark. the ship is rocking around like crazy and they're the hired entertainment they are not even experienced seaman

oh my god you're making it hard what did you embargo it? Making it hard so they make it to the engine room which is empty it's been abandoned and that is not good that feels quite bad doesn't it yeah it feels quite bad

they came to a bulkhead that was sealed off with watertight door and he was like, why are the watertight doors closed? We must be taking on water. Like they would automatically close if we're taking on water to keep the water in one place. Yes. So he couldn't open them at all and he was like, I'm not going to open the door in case.

That would be very stupid. Yeah, that feels like such a good idea. So they headed back up and they told cruise director Lorraine Betts what they'd seen. And by now, lifeboats were being lowered to the embarkation deck and Lorraine was organising women and children into the boats. Strangely, they could see a large proportion of crew getting into the boats as well. But more disturbing was the fact that senior officers were also getting in life boats.

They were bailing. Bailing before the... Surely they're into way. Yeah, surely they're supposed to be the last one's on. Women and children and senior officers first. That's the rule I've just come up with. It's actually senior officers and women and children first. It's actually the captain.

Yeah, captain first. And if there's any other boats remaining, everyone else is allowed to go. Captain always goes down with the ship. No, no, no, no, you misheard. Captain always goes down with the lifeboat. Yeah, the first one. Yeah, the first one. Because I've got to make sure it's safe in the lifeboat.

I'm testing it, yes. You can't hold 99 people, but this one's for me, and there'll be others. So there had still been no PA announcement, no official guidance of what to do or what was happening. No personal assistance. And now the senior crew are bailing. Like, that feels soos. And Moss writes, I was now very suspicious. And taking my video camera with me, I decided to check again if we were sinking.

Once more I went below. This time no one came with me. I went down forward to the engine room. And as I approached the Dionysus deck, I could hear the sound of water flowing. I turned to the corner on the stairwell and I could see for myself. With a powerful shock, I confirmed my worst fears. This deck was flooded. We were sinking.

So strange. Really weird. Like poorly handled. Yeah. Really poorly handled. Can I tell you really quickly that I'd done about 10 cruise ships when at breakfast one day we were having a conversation and I was talking about what happened in an emergency

and mentioned like jumping off the boat and I'd been in that many drills, emergency drills, where they'd talked about the lifeboats and I'd just completely overlooked it that whole time and thought that we just put our life jackets on and jumped in. Yeah. And so one had to point out to me. And they were like, you have done so many drills.

And we start every ship with a drill saying to wait and get into the lifeboat and blah, blah, blah. But I was just putting on a vest and jumping straight into the ocean. I was saying to my mates at breakfast, I was like, don't you think it's weird that you just put on a life jacket and jump into the sea and hope for the best? And they were like, you have done so many drills. Why are you jumping into the sea? And then literally outside the window Where we were sitting at this breakfast table Outside the window

There was literally a life boat hanging there And they were like, what do you think all of those are? Well, they're beautiful ornamental decoration, sure But what does that have to do with me jumping into the ocean? Why do they have all of these outdoor lifeboat-esque chandeliers? It's very odd. Not my personal taste. That's incredible.

Yeah, yeah. You're one huge oversight. Like I'd been on so many ships and I was like, don't you think it feels extreme putting a life jacket on and just jumping into the sea? Don't do that, Kirstie. Don't do that. You're wondering why nobody else is wet? Yeah, yeah.

I'm like, why am I the only wild-eyed wet one on the boat? Bobbing up and down. That is great. So Moss made his way around, filming and trying to see what was happening. And he writes one of the crew, Costas. who was well known to me, came around another corner of that deck. He began shouting agitatedly

that I must not video here. I kept my call and dropped the camera from my eye, but left it running. He began to herd me back upstairs and I was asking him if he saw all of the water. He just kept saying that there was no water and I was not to video anything. So strange.

They're like, someone's on something wrong and they're trying to cover it up or? It's very strange. Yeah, so now they're gas-lighting somebody. It's just in a wall of water and they're like, that wasn't water. That was a magical.

I puzzle. He's going, Blah, blah, blah, what are you talking about? I'm wild-eyed

and wet for other reasons. Jess, that was incredible. Yeah, it's pretty good. I was actually underwater, though. That time,

I was underwater. I thought you were doing a really good imitation of being underwater, and then when I looked over, I realised you were in a tank. I got an tank. My computer is ruined.

Jess does good sound effects, but she does the method, so. I will be doing the rest of this report from memory. And wild item wet. I'm very wet. So it's roughly 1am at this point.

The people who were actually trained in the procedures to abandon ship had already abandoned ship. Oh my God. This is fucking bonkers. It's no good. It's no good. It's crazy. So Moss and a group of other entertainers and a few staff members that was left there

swung into action to get everyone off the ship. The boats weren't... Get everyone off. That's going to happen a few times. The lifeboats weren't secured properly, and as they were being lowered to the deck, the boats would swing away from the ship as it rolled and then come back and crash into the side of the boat.

Oh my God, this is a nightmare. Yeah. Here's Moss describing how he worked around this. He said, I would stand at the edge of the ship, and when the lifeboat swung against the side, I would put one foot on the lifeboat, one on the ship, and quickly help a passenger into the boat,

before jumping back onto the ship as the lifeboat swung away again. Wow. He's getting people on like one or two at a time. I'm seeing a real pendulum. Yeah. Yeah. So wait up. So then that person is on the ship as it pendulums out.

Sorry, on the boat. And it pendulums out and then smashes again and they're holding on while he's about to load on another person. Wow. It'd be like, yeah, like that big ship at Dream World. You know that ship ride that swings around? It'd be like that. Oh, yeah. Always makes me sick.

But not fun because you're not meant to be doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah, it would be less fun, isn't it? Yeah, like, I think the rides are designed. Like, there's a bit more control. True, yeah, that's true.

I guess. I don't really consider that. Yeah, like the 30-foot waves out in the wild. Similar to a wave pool. I think they change the stakes of it. Similar to a wave pool, right? A little less predictable. A little less predictable.

Mother nature. Yeah. At her worst. She's a wild bitch. She does what she wants. Let me tell you. She's a fickle mistress. Oh, she is a fickle mistress.

As the famous of the pot, I kind of take umbrage of you sort of stereotyping a woman like that. Mother nature. Yeah, I think she, you know, she goes through some stuff at some times and it's okay. She lashes out. Matt, when you invited me onto this podcast, you knew full well that I I'm a raging misogynist. Yeah, that's true.

That's the only reason we invited Kirstie on. A bit of balance between me and you. We're yin and yang. Just need a bit of misogony. Let's get a woman hater on the show. So this is my still talking. He says, luckily nobody fell in the sea or was caught between the singing lifeboat and the ship,

singing, swinging. It's ridiculous that passengers should have been exposed to this kind of unnecessary danger. If the trained personnel had been running things, it would have been far less risky. So a lot of it, he's kind of pissed that this has fallen to... Fair enough. That's not his job.

Absolutely not. No, Moss was strapping in for some Jack Johnson covers. That's it. Didn't realize he'd be coordinating a... They say, Taylor was a good girl. Never gonna be. That was a stirring. That's really good, actually, yeah.

Make your banana pay. Hey, Moss, tag me in. While you're doing the boats, hand me that guitar. He played a few instruments. He had like a sax on there as well. Oh, yeah. I can play all these equally poorly. I assume.

Never try. Sorry, that was... Was that an actual fax in the room or... No, no, that was me. He is that good. Close your eyes. Kissy. Nah.

Nah. No, that is... No. He will keep up. That is definitely Spotify. Tequila. That was definitely someone's sexes playlist on Spotify. That definitely was that time.

I'm not going to be tricked twice. No, I'm sorry, Kirstie. That was all me. Sorry, gorgeous. I didn't expect to have so much fun. It's such a full-on story. Yeah, we're just trying to cope. Oh no, you must.

It's a coping mechanism. Gallus humour. That's right. By around 3 a.m., there was one remaining lifeboat. In a scene straight out of Titanic, the remaining officers boarded the lifeboat and ordered it to be lowered. Even though it still had space for, it had about 50 people on it and it could fit 99. Holy shit. 49 spots.

They're leaving people behind. These are the remaining offices. Holy shit. I hate each and every one of them. Lorraine and Moss managed to get 20 more people on before the boat was lowered, but it was still left with room for more people. These offices didn't take their Hippocratic oath very seriously. It's fucked, isn't it?

Or shipocratic oath, whatever it's called. Here's something I don't understand. So there's... Shipocratic oath. Sorry. I was thinking about something else and I missed. I'm so sorry. That's incredible.

Please. Edit it out. Never. Please. Please. No, if I've got to leave in the shit about me doing a little twirl, you have to leave a shippocratic oath. I had a clean cut and then it got referenced again.

I'm like, fuck! Your darkest secret. Yeah, we keep calling back to it every 30 seconds to make sure it stays. Go to a little twirl, Jess, you fucking idiot. Sorry, that was me that did the callback. I really got you. I got you a beauty. Well, I shouldn't have shared.

That's why you should never be vulnerable. Put your walls back up, Jess. put it back up. I think it's great, Jess. And after the show, I think we should do a three-way twirl. Is that possible? Yeah, I reckon. Can you?

No, you couldn't. No, but you can have a... I'll show... Oh, you can have a go. I've actually... I actually promised my fiancé that I'd never... Never twill until your wedding day. Never going to twirl again.

We'll do the three-way twirl on the wedding night. That's nice. That is nice. Yeah, thank you. It's good to, you know, just keep some things for you. That's right. That's right. Keep the spark alive.

I've said as soon as we get married, I'll stop twirling and I'll never twirl again. So there's no lifeboats left, but there's still approximately 220 people left on the ship. And I didn't think about that as I was riding it, but I was like, surely you have enough lifeboats for everybody. Yeah. Yeah, you have to. So how is there no lifeboats left, but still 200 people? They've all been going without being full? Maybe.

Maybe some of the order to go. I'd actually prefer a bit of privacy for my partner and I on this one, please. Okay, we're going through something quite traumatic. The boat is shipping. The ship is sinking. I need leg room. You told the story of the Titanic many moons ago, and that would have been probably before rules were in place,

but they also, didn't they? They didn't have enough. They didn't have enough. But they didn't have enough because they were like, it's an unsinkable ship. Like, why would we even bother with lifeboats? But in this case, surely people learnt from the Titanic ship, are very sinkable.

Yeah. And so you'd have enough. That is also such a funny attitude. Yeah. Like it's unthinkable, why would you have more like... Like, just imagine if you like got on a flight and the pilot was like, well, we've actually removed all the life first because I'm a very capable pollination. And this is a robust machine.

Guys, I'd actually won't be putting on the seatbelt sign for the whole flight. Get up, have a dance. Yeah. I am that good at my job. I don't meant to brag. Ladies and gentlemen, but duh. We're cruising at 30,000 feet. I'm not sure exactly the number,

but I'm confident that's about right. Anyway, the seatbelt sign won't be on today because you really can trust me. This is the uncrashable plane. As we fly over the Andes in a storm. But there's 200 people left. The boats can take 99 each. You did like two boats and then maybe get the other 20 people on where there were gaps.

You needed two more boats. So it must be that people are taking them too soon or something. Yeah. That's terrible. So Lorraine and Julian went to the bridge to quite frankly see what the fuck the captain was up to. We've got most people off. Let's go fucking see what this guy's up to. Yeah, see if he needs a tug.

And meanwhile Moss went back inside. to assess how much water the ship was taking on. He describes the entire dining room was under about one metre of water. Floating in this were chairs, trays, linen and various plants. As the ship rolled, the entire lake would crash to one side and stay for a moment before crashing again to the opposite side, which is a very good way of describing it. Yeah, I like it being called a lake.

Lake, yeah, it's really sloshing about. Yeah. The furniture was now debris and every ornament and piece of glassware was smashed. I could see to the far end of the dining room and notice that the main entrance was wide open. This door was a fire and water-resistant door and should obviously be closed to slow down the flow of water. I attempted to cross the room by waiting for the water to move to one side

and then I would run across the shallow side. I made a few attempts but the water was moving too unpredictably and I realized that I would be crushed by the furniture and glass-laden water. I returned to the upper decks a bit shaken because I now knew that most of the ship was flooded. Isn't that crazy though? He's like, I'll just run across. Yeah.

Trying to time it? Yeah. The glass thing was the thing, the most harrowing for me. Just these wave-covering glass coming at you from across the room. Yucky. Oh, yeah, that's no good. That's not good. Yeah, I hate, I hate cuts.

Yes. Even a paper cut. Yeah. I'm like, this has ruined my fucking day. Yeah, I hate them. I'd take a glass cut over a paper cut. Yeah, just the world. I'd be impaled over a paper cut.

Fucking hate them. Impaled. are doing sexy euphemisms? No, oh, that's a good. That's no. Edit that bit out. And, yeah, this sounds like he's really the only hero on this ship. He's like, he's...

And he was the only one working there who's like, I'm going to care about everyone. Yeah, well, you've still got Lorraine, who's the cruise director. Okay, so there's two. There's Lauren, and then Moss's wife, Tracy is there. Three. And Julian and Robin are two entertainers. There's only five heroes. And it's pretty much them.

Wow. But Julian, Tracy, Moss and Robin are all, like, two of them are like magicians and comedians. And then you've got Moss and Tracy. Why don't the, hey, hey, hey, hey, how do you? Here's an idea. Why don't these highly skilled magicians make the water disappear? Fucking hell, yes. Call yourself a magic man.

Prove it. Prove it. Why don't you put these massive tidal waves. pop them back in your hat. Oh, that's good. Why don't you ward this tempest away? Fuck, out these magicians. I reckon these guys are frauds.

I reckon they're frauds as well. At a minimum, I hope they never get booked for a bloody ship ever again. But one thing that is making me feel a bit better is that we're getting this firsthand account from Moss. Yeah. Yeah, reliable witness. And Jess hasn't said whether it's from, Beyond the grave or not, but I'm hoping he settled this in human living form.

I never thought about that until this podcast, because you would often point that and be like, okay, well, we know this because somebody's told us. So somebody survives. That's always your thing. You're like, I know. Which just makes me feel a little bit better. Yeah. Imagine if Moss could only speak through Jess Perkins.

Yeah. And just luckily you do this podcast and so the story can get out. He was like, tell my story. And I was like, okay, write the report, bitch. Unfortunately, Moss was like, can you please tell it not in a sexy way? Yeah, I do not want any references to sex. It was his final wish. And we've blown it.

Yeah. Blown it. You too. Your perbs. So it was interesting too because Moss was sort of like fairly quickly, all the passengers realized that the actual personnel had fucked off. And so they were listening and responding. They were very engaged with whatever Moss was telling him to do.

They're like, okay, yep, we'll do that. But he also mentioned that some passengers asked him to, they were like, they were missing a family member. They're like, we don't know where Louise is. And he wouldn't let anybody go back to their cabins. It was better to have everybody in one place. So he's like, I'll go, look. So he goes to Louise's cabin and she's in there,

seemingly unaware of what's happening, which is baffling. And he writes, this kind of situation should never be allowed to happen. The least the captain should have done was to sound the alarm and then make a clear announcement over the public address system. If he'd done this, then all of the passengers could have collected their own life jackets and gone straight to the muster stations to which they were assigned.

So essentially he's just pissed off that he has to do this or that... He's like, what's the point of the drills we did? Exactly. Yeah, like there's a literal protocol. Yeah. And muster stations, that's exactly what they're called on the ships I work on as well. Yeah. And that's what you do.

If you listen and know not to just sling yourself overboard, then what you do is you pop your life jacket on. You go to your mustard station and then somebody helps you onto a boat. Yeah. And then off you go. I love mustard. But I, which is just a nice touch as you go on the boat, you'll get a little sashay of mustard, I guess.

Oh, you, no. No, you can't. Just get mustard. You're going to have Tommy sauce as well. Yeah, and you've got to have a conduit to get it into your body. There's got to be some chippies. Chippies are the ultimate conduit. What I call it a chip station.

But it's all about because mustard is something. The hero. Yeah, the hero. It's the hero of the dish. Always. I cannot believe the story. It sounds like maybe the crew. knew that there weren't enough boats,

so they're like, we're taking these for ourselves, we're not telling you or something. Seems. I just think they were goormless. Each and every one of them, bloody gormless. Bloody gormless and bloody gorgeous. Hey, gorgeous, you're gormless.

It's not good when you do it. Go on. It's gross. Can you do it? No, I'm busy. Hello, gorgeous. No, I'm busy, busy getting ready to do it. Getting busy.

Get busy tugging. Yeah, so he finds this person who's just like, you know, hanging out. And he's like, get your life jacket. Get out of here. So the cruise director, Lorraine Betts, she was the one who'd gone to the bridge to find the captain. And they found the bridge unmanned, completely abandoned. So she and Moss went back to the bridge together,

grabbed the radio, taking turns calling Mayday, Mayday, until another ship answered. We made and received various calls from the ships in the area, and many times they asked for information that we just didn't know. Oh, my God. We wanted to ask the captain what to do, and eventually I located him and the remaining few officers on the pool deck with the other passengers.

He was keeping a low profile under a stairway and just crouching there smoking. He wouldn't come back to the bridge. He was just like another passenger waiting to be rescued. Never a better time for a dorry. Isn't that ridiculous? Spark up on the bridge. This is Greece in the 90s.

I think that would have been fine. Yeah. When I was in, I remember being at Athens airport like 10, 15 years ago or something, and the airport was just full of, it was just that, you know, air-conditioned smoke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the whole planet, like this is, and Australia had had no smoking indoors for a couple years at stage. Yeah. So it was just like, whoa, this is full on.

Wow. I barely remember smoking. indoors. Because when was that? 2006, I think, is when they when they banned it in Melbourne. That's too recent. But was it like allocated areas maybe?

I don't really remember being in like in pubs and stuff where people were smoking. Yeah, I remember it. I remember when I was 18 and stuff and the just waking up the next morning and clothes and hair just stunk of tobacco. Mm.

But it was just normal. And then it's, but it's going back the other way is like, whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, when you've gotten used to that sweet fresh air. Yeah. What a bad idea. So he can't be convinced to go up and at least use his knowledge to give him coordinates or anything? Exactly.

He's having a dorry under the stairs, mate. No, I'll be up in 10. Help, you could be, help us all get saved. Do the fucking their minimum. Yeah. Exactly right. So eventually Moss got through to Captain Detmar of, of the Ned Lloyd Mauritius,

who asked Moss his rank after Moss wasn't able to answer a few of the captain's questions. Moss replied, I'm not any rank, I'm a guitarist. So apparently then there was a pause on the radio, and then Captain Detmar was like incredibly nice and really supportive and helpful. Because he's like, what's your location? He's like, I'm on the bridge.

He's like, no, like your coordinates. He's like, I know. Where do I get that information? The guy's like, who the fuck? Who am I talking to here? What's your rank? And he's like, I'm the guitarist. I'm a Scorpio, I don't know.

He explains that like the captain's fucked off. And so Captain Detmar was helpful. So because the captain, who I haven't even mentioned, his name was Janus Avranas. Oh, that's a great name. It is pretty good. I love a rhyming name. He was refusing to come back to the bridge. Moss was running back and forth across the steep, slippery, dark deck to ask the captain

questions that Moss was of course not qualified to answer. So he could relay the information on to rescuers. Just come to the bridge. Janus I had dragged him Yeah Dragged him back up to the bridge Get up here

I would have told the mob Which is what they would become If you tell the truth here This is the captain Cowering over here Yeah Let's get him to the bridge Yeah

Yeah Questions to answer I reckon I would have made things better I reckon Yeah A mob Handed out some pitchforks

Yeah Get him Yeah They'd either get him up onto the bridge Or beat him to death Which would you prefer Yarnas What's it going to be?

The ball's in your court. So other ships couldn't get too close to the oceanus because of the harsh conditions. So the other captain was asking... Wait, sorry, Jess. Just quickly, what's his full name again? Janus Avranes. Janus Avranes of the Oceanus. Yeah.

That's sick. That is so good. That's how he got the job. That's my favorite doctor's book. He doesn't know how to captain a ship. They're just like, your name rhymes with our name. You got the job. You're hired.

You're hired gorgeous All right gorgeous All aboard You're iron All aboard gorgeous All aboard gorgeous All aboard gorgeous All aboard gorgeous

All aboard gorgeous What a job Gorgeous You're all ahead All your gorgeous All yours gorgeous Right this way Sweet art

That's very stupid. You're right, darling. What job, darling? All right. Oh, all gorgeous. You're right. That bridge over there. All yours gorgeous.

All yours gorgeous. This feels like one of those episodes where I'm like, at least we're having fun. Yeah. I like, the listeners, they go, what are they on? What are you laughing? Yeah, we're just having a really nice time. Chuckling, just looking at each other and chuckling. It's fun, it's fun to listen to it.

It's contagious. Oh, yeah. Hopefully it is, yes. Yeah, I'm sure everyone's laughing. Hopefully, all the listeners are also wild-eyed and wet. If this hasn't got you wild-eyed and wet, I'd think, you know. You'll see a doctor. You're going to see a doctor.

Yeah, the ship sailed for you. Yeah, yes. So, yeah, the other ships can't get very close. So the other captain, Captain Detmar, was asking for an indication of how long the ship had before it was submerged. He's like, how long are you got? Like, what's our window here? So, of course, Moss has to run back to Captain Avaranus and be like, what do you reckon? And he said two hours, maybe three.

Why isn't he going to the bridge? This is the most baffling thing of all. He said, I reckon we've got 15 to 17 siggies. Yeah. Do with that what you will. Yeah, I got a couple of decks left. But I reckon, yeah, once I've got through these, we're done. Then, yeah, we'll call it.

Yeah. Yeah, we'll call it. So this is about 4 a.m. Wow. They got two, three hours left. 4 a.m., I'm hearing pitch black. Pitch black, pretty dark. Around 6.30 a.m., rescue choppers arrived.

Navy divers were winced down to the deck and said that the ship was sinking faster now, and they'd need to hurry and get everyone off the ship. They said they needed help to get everyone off before the ship sank, and Moss was given a five-minute crash course on how to run a helicopter airlift. Because obviously... Moss is up for it though.

Like if anyone can do it, Moss can do it. Do you know, I'm surprised Moss even needed the five-minute crash course. He was like, refresh my memory. Of course I know how to do it. He's like, I actually invented the helicopter rescue. But refresh my memory. Fresh my memory. Go on, mansplained to me.

I've been under pressure for the last 10 hours, so please refresh my memory. Let's fucking go. If you could sing it to me in the style of Xavier Rudd, That would be helpful. It's how my memory works. Yeah, anything sort of acoustic. It's the only way I learn. John Mayer.

Can you, John Mayer it to me? Well, just is he saying it if you could just tap on a tambourine. That would really not be committed to memory. What key are these instructions going to be in? Sea sharp. So the helicopters, they obviously can't land on the ship. So yeah, it's going to be lowering down harnesses, two people at a time, lifting them up. Oh, two at a time and there's 200 and something.

Yeah. That's 100 trips if my math serves me correctly. Oh my God. You are filling in Dave's role very nicely. Yeah, so quick. You're out, Dave, I'm in. The trial has gone very well. There's a new math magician in town.

So they decided to set up a helicopter rescue station at each end of the ship, splitting the passengers in half so that each station had about 110 people they needed to get off the ship. In total about... Get off. Get off. In total about five helicopters joined the rescue mission, shuddling back and forth. They could carry 12 people at a time.

And this is all happening as dawn breaks as well. So they've been, yeah, they've been, it's been like, it's nearly 12 hours. It's like 10 hours that this has been going on for them. That's way too many hours. It's too many hours. So a Navy diver and Lorraine are set up on one side, and Moss and Tracy are set up on the other side.

And how they sort of did it was Tracy, organized the passengers. so the remaining women were first and then the oldest men first and then the youngest and fittest were last and then on Moss's signal she would send passengers out to him two at a time because remember like the boat's still rocking like crazy yeah and so yeah he's like moss is like tied some rope around himself

and to a railing to keep himself in place and then two at a time he gets them out puts it on it's really full on that is hectic the helicopter harness was a double unit and this became the routine for the next five hours. Whoa. As you're going down. Wow. Just like every passing minute would just get more and more stressful.

Because you get like it's 12 people then that chopper has to go. Another one comes. But then every time you're getting 12 people off, that's the slightly lighter weight. Maybe this ship's starting to come up again. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, those few hundred kilos.

would make a real big difference. Yeah, I think it could. I reckon by the time they only had like 20 people left on the deck, the ship would just be fully restored to its previous place. Probably even floating in the air. It's too light now. They actually winch the remaining passengers on the ship back to land. Pretty cool.

They were like, hey guys, while we fly this ship back, just wander around, check out the captain's quarters or something. Like, you deserve a little treat. Moss has found his ukulele. Baby, coming down to the rear turn. Do you think, I'm not so sure about this women first, then old men, then the fittest men? Surely the fittest men go first.

Who is it most important to get back to society? The fit men. Oh, Matt. Or the old men? Oh, the old men. Really? What do they do? They, okay, so they should have quizzed everyone.

Oh, okay. They should have had the presence of mine to have quizzed everyone. And if the old men are racist or sexist or like homophobic or whatever, they're out. Get rid of them. They're out onto the helicopter. No, no, no, no. They've got to wait until the end. They've got to wait until the end.

Oh, right. Yeah. But everybody gets quizzed, but I'm just saying statistically. Yes, that's what I'm saying. Oh, so these men who are racist and bigots don't deserve. to live as much as everyone else? That sounds a little bigoted. Your last, Kirsty, bang.

You fell for my trap. Well done. Let me on. He's honestly got some weird opinions. Help. And to be honest, we were already going through the most useful occupations. And you were a fair way down the list, I'm afraid. Well, it's interesting that Matt is having me get onto the rescue chopper last.

because it actually reeks of homophobia. Oh no, we switch back. You guys are like, your last and second last. Neck and neck and neck and left. And two people go in a time. But we're fighting so hard. We've killed each other by the time we get to land. And everyone's like, well.

They've got to pry our lifeless eggs from around each other's throat. The final decider is Twitter followers. All right. Right, you edged me out on this one, Kirstie, fine. Twitter followers. Twitter followers. I go, no, you're right, that is fair. That is the only fair way to do it.

I'm getting on the rescue job of first. Matt, I've got more Twitter followers. Society wants me more. Please don't look at Instagram. Definitely don't pry into my TikTok account. I think we should wait, TikTok heavier. I'm crunching the numbers quickly. Twitter doesn't feel as relevant.

these days. You two are both going down on the ship. So meanwhile, Julian, one of the other entertainers and a Navy diver, then got into the last inflatable dingy so that they would be in the water close to the ship in case they dropped any passengers into the sea. Whoa. So you've got rescue operations happening on either side, and then you've got a Navy diver and Julian who's a magician, like hanging about.

A magician. Hang it about. He hasn't been able to make the floodwater. I'm starting to think he's an illusionist. And the illusion is that he's magic. I think he's a bit of a delusionist. You know what I mean? You know what's just disappeared?

Your credibility, mate. But he is doing something quite brave. Make that reappear you. He's doing something quite brave. Yeah, no, he sounds like a legend. No, we understand that, Jess. They saved a few people, actually. Hey, we're not taking that away from him, but he didn't make me.

He didn't. Didn't make the storm disappear. That's so funny. As the other rescue station on the other side finished getting everyone off the ship, Lorraine and the people helping her joined Julian and the dinghy. So it was essentially like all that was left to get the rest of the crew off the ship

was this little rubber dingy. So that was, because I was assuming there were no more vessels at all. But there was one last very backup plan rubber dinghy that I guess I would think it wouldn't last that long. And obviously it couldn't get 200 and something. Exactly right. So this is from Moss again.

With the deck so steep and the ship rolling about, at least 10 or 12 passengers slipped and fell as I tried to attach the harness to them. Each time I would slide down the deck with the rope around my waist and pull them up. Oh my gosh. Because it's so steep. Moss is such a hero. Moss is insane. One of the great badasses we've ever talked about on the show.

I love this guy and I think this might be my favourite part because it's very funny. Well, I'm already starting to fancy him. It's pretty great. Is this the bit on the Titanic where it goes really vertical and someone falls and goes, ding! Which everybody finds funny? Yeah. But it's actually really sad. It's pretty funny.

But it is pretty. It's really like, okay. Jesse is pretty fun. No, Jess is giving me the worst look. You're like, no, but I'm like, nah, shut up, it's funny. That was like proper year eight science teacher disappointed in me vibes then. You were like, I know that. you're about to say is rubbish.

You were like, do you really need to say it? Kirsty. Yes, I do. All right, no, go on. All right, all I wanted to say is... You've got the classes of attention. Share with everybody, please. How funny would you find it if you were the one falling off?

I wouldn't find it particularly funny. That's all I wanted to say. My spine would snap and I'd be instantly dead. Yeah, so that's all I wanted to say. So maybe just have a think like that next time before you start chuckling away. That's true. That's true. Laugh it up right into your grave.

Your wet grave. You're wild. and wet graves. I guess the ocean is a wet grave. Yeah, it's David Jones's Walker. Yeah, it's the wettest of grave. It's the wettest. So sorry, anyway, what were you saying

before I gave you a lecture in not being a piece of shit? I'm actually just, water isn't wet, what it touches is wet. Well, you're insufferable. Anyway, I had a fun bit to share with you, but now I'm not sure that I want to. No, please do.

No, I don't know. Please do, gorgeous. Okay. Oh, go on. Oh, gorgeous. I lost our fucking minds. So this is a little bit of classic masks. This will make you love him and Tracy.

So he says at one point, I was trying to catch the swinging harness being lowered, and it snagged on the side of the ship. There was immediate danger of the rolling ship and high winds, causing the line to jerk tight and pull the chopper down before the windch operator could free it. Without really thinking, I jumped over the railing and hung across the side of the ship to free the hull.

harness. I then crawled quickly back. It was over in a flash. However, the real danger now came. My wife saw what I had done and ran across the deck to yell at me. The real danger came. He just jumped off a boat to release the witch so it didn't bring a chopper down with it, climbed back over and then he's like, oh no, I'm in trouble. There comes Tracy. She looks mad. I read her account as well and she was like, I saw red. Oh, really? She wasn't. But was it a good thing or a bad thing?

It was a good thing when he'd done. And she later, like, she was like, he totally. Yeah. So she's like, what the fuck are you doing? Who's putting himself in danger? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, right.

She's like, if you, if something happens to you, we're all fucked because you're the one helping, you know. But it was also just, she just cared. It was like, don't do something so stupid. Yeah, I reckon she was this sad because she loves him. Yeah. Yeah. And to be fair, so do I. Yeah, so do I.

I'd be livid if I thought that Moss was putting himself in harm's way. If they're up for it, I would do a three-way twist with them, three-way twirl. Matt, I can say with great authority, they are not. And stop calling. There was a few things in that little, I know you wanted to say it, so I didn't interrupt, but there was a jerk, there was swinging harness, which also felt a bit sextungency. Oh my gosh, he's going back. He's doing a list.

Yeah. I just know there's people at home yelling at their iPods going, why didn't he mention... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They missed it. They just missed the hornier section of the whole show. Listeners, we did not miss it. No, we did not miss it.

We were being oddly respectful for once. So it's pretty, yeah, it's just, I just found that kind of funny. Yeah, that's fun. The real danger was my wife. My wife. But, yeah, but... It's also good to remember that that is always the biggest danger. Yeah, big time.

Oh, apart from the mother-in-law. If you do something... Am I right? If you do something dangerous, I'll kill you. It had a slight 90s vibe to me, you know? Just be like, the real danger, my wife. Yeah, the old ball and chain. Take my wife.

No, really. But she wrote later, she's like, what he did was to... the right thing and he's you know he saved it today but I was just for a flash she was like what the fuck you're a guitarist you don't jump off ships eventually we were almost

finished this is most still when the helicopter crew signalled me to count up how many were left there were 12 male passengers robin in the bridge myself and tracy the only female left that made a total of 15 the chopper signal to hold on and then left so they've just coordinated an entire rescue operation

with zero experience and now they've last ones left on the ship and they're just stuck waiting. Right. So there's two, and two more choppers would do it. I think so, yeah. Because then you've also got the people in the dingy. Right.

So the dinghy's not going to like make it all the way back, but the chopper will winch them up as well. So a couple more choppers will come back. But after about 45 minutes, the chopper returned. 45 minutes they were there waiting. Oh my God. But it couldn't pick them up from where they were, so they had to slip and climb carefully to the other side.

Whoa. which was like really hard and very scary. And they finally made it to the rear deck. Finally, the last of the passengers were off and it was their turn. They were hoisted into a helicopter and it was all over. Holy shit. Did everyone survive?

Yes. Holy fuck, that's so good. That is so good. 581 people on board. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Literally thanks to Moss. Holy shit. The guitarist.

Yeah. And no thanks to the captain. or the magicians who didn't make the floodwaters recede. Okay, you helped some people onto a helicopter. Could have helped a little sooner, okay? Yeah, yeah. And the whole crew. I'm seeing criminal charges coming.

Correct. Criminal charges? Criminal? Oh, my God. Got him. Oh, my God. Whoa. That's good.

Holy shit. Oh, my God. That is good stuff. Wow, wow, wow. crew man all charges. I don't know what to do with that. That is something. Okay, there must be a gas link in here or something.

Crew manel. That is, holy fucking hell. Whoa. You are feeling Dave's role so well. He's the pun master. And I don't think I've ever seen a pun master quite so hard. Yeah. That pun was your bitch.

That's like that's a Harold's son headline. Yeah, criminal charges. Cruminal charges. You got to take your time. I'm sorry. Oh, I'm dizzy. Now you get it. Yeah, I get it.

It's easy. It's easy to get dizzy. It's easy to get dizzy. So the oceanus, the ship, sank. approximately 45 minutes after the last person was airlifted from the deck, which is a little too close, isn't it? Yeah, that is really tight. Yeah.

In shipwreck terms, that is too tight. That is too tight. So they were really lucky. And yes, 581 people on board all were rescued, not a single death. Wow. Which is amazing.

Captain Avranas claimed that he left the ship first in order to arrange for a rescue effort. Oh, my gosh. And then supervised it from a helicopter. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. That's so embarrassing. What do you mean? I left to get help.

He's like gaslighting them. But didn't he not leave first anyway? No, yeah, he didn't. But he left the ship. Like, he wasn't last. Yeah. You know, which... Wow.

He's like, oh, well, I had to get to the police station. I trust you, understand. I get it. Sorry, oh, I just remember I got an appointment. Oh, was that today? Oh, no. Oh, normally I would definitely hang around. I love this sort of scenario.

This is where my best comes out. But, oh, what a day. What a day for it to happen. Just the timing. This is such a shame. So according to the International Herald Tribune, Avranas said he had known when he left the ship that there were 170 passengers and crew still aboard.

But this was the only way to ensure the safety of all those aboard, him leaving. Furthermore, after checking the situation from the shore, he said he flew back to the ship on a helicopter, intending to go back on board. But the weather was so bad that the helicopter crew advised against boarding. I wanted to, but the helicopter guy was like, nah, you can't. Yeah, and also, like, the ship was in pretty bad.

Yeah, it was very wet. Like, the ship was like, it looked really bad. Yeah, it didn't look very safe. Yeah. So the helicopter guy was like, nah, that ship doesn't look great. And I was like, no, no, no, but like, I have to go. I have to be a hero. I'm going.

Yeah, I really want to help everyone. I'm flying away. I want to preserve life. Yeah, and my girlfriend who I made out with, she was going to be here too, but she is at a school at a different... She's in Canada. She's real.

Country. Yeah, no, she's real. Yeah, she actually is really hot. And, no, I don't have a photo right now because she actually is sensitive to the lights so she can't do flash photography. Insatiable sexual appetite. She is a wild cat.

Apparently she's just got a regular libido, but when she sees me, just this animal instinct kicks in. Yeah. Yeah, just inside. Anyway, sorry to get off track, but insatiable sexual appetite.

She loves my big dick. Yeah. Sorry, I was talking about this ship. Yeah, somehow it's just the perfect bigness. So, yeah. Sorry,

I was talking about the rescue. Sorry. Sorry. It's just like both long and thick, but, um... Sorry, sorry. What you're talking about?

Anyway, I was trying to get back onto the ship. This is, another, this is a great quote from him. He was quoting the New York Times of saying, when I give the order abandon ship, it doesn't matter what time I leave. Abandonment is for everybody.

If somebody, if some people want to stay, they could stay. That's incredible. Abandon ship, you know, that's your choice. It's an option. I would like a t-shirt with abandonment, if for everybody. Yeah, is that good?

Abandonment's for everybody. Captain included, I get to abandon ship. It's for everyone. Hello. But he never said abandon ship. No, he didn't. And when people asked, they were like, no, nothing's wrong. Nothing's wrong.

He did say abandon ship, but not like, he didn't put that on the PA or make it clear to any passengers. He opened up the cupboard, like, in the bridge. He opened up the cupboard and went, Abandon ship. Well, I've announced it. He did say it. He definitely said it. He never said that he publicly said it. He never said it to anybody else.

He said it in his mind. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's fine. I think that's all right. Why's he under the microscope for that? I think he seems cool. Yeah.

Having thoughts is the same as saying stuff anyway. Yeah, I reckon too. It's as good as. It's exactly the same thing. It's not better. What's the difference? No difference. This is great as well.

According to Robin Bolton, one of the entertainers, who had stayed on the bridge and assisted with the rescue, said, later in the morning, Captain Avranas even contacted me from shore to ask how things were going. Yeah, I don't know how, but I could hear that he was drinking a martini. I could hear steel drums and cocktail shakers in the background. I could hear him having a mojito.

I could hear the little umbrella in his drink. And those knots in his shoulders were really being worked out by someone else's hands. He was relaxing with every stroke. Wow. Whoa. Thanks to that stroke, gorgeous. Oh, stop it. It's not funny when you do it.

It's gross. Sorry, gorgeous. Just a little bit of vomit. The wedding only had a tiny bit of vomit. Let's not go on about it. Matt's English accent only induced a little bit of vomit. Just a little. You've got to expect some vomit at weddings and podcasts.

You go expect a little bit of vomit gorgeous. Oh, there it is. In her mouth and swallowed. Reach my limit with you. Okay, that's enough. Now we're both in trouble, Kirsty. Kirstie's not in trouble. How come you wrote me in with you?

You were before. I didn't realize you're out of trouble again. I've come good. Back in the good books. Yeah. I'll sit in the naughty corner. Yeah. Matt, you guessed at this before.

In 1992, the captain and five other officers were convicted of negligence by a Greek board of inquiry for fleeing the ship without helping the passengers. But he was never incarcerated and I'm pretty sure he remained a captain for the rest of his career. Oh my God. Imagine getting on his ship. Imagine hiring him. I know. Imagine being like the crew under him, you'd be like, this fuck a guy. Well, a lot of them bailed too.

So maybe they'd be like, yeah, he rules. So what would the, if you were reporting on that in a... newspaper, that story. What would you headline it, Kirstie? A story like that. Oh, I don't know. Maybe something along the lines of criminal charges have been laid. Oh my God, that is good.

No incruceration. If you don't get a call from the Herald Sun this week, I will be very surprised. Yeah, yeah. Do you think this is my big break? Yeah, I think this could be. Yeah. Sub-editor? Yeah.

Is that who does the headlines? Yeah. decided. I'd love that job. Oh, you'd be a great sub. You'd be great at it. Yeah, like, as long as I'm mostly in charge of like nautical. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, obviously, with your experience, a background, it'd be the nautical sub-editor. Nauty, naughty, nautical. With that killer pun. And I think... I think they'd still allow you to do your two gigs a year as well. I think that's the flexibility that a sub-editor can... Well, that's the flexibility that I'm looking for.

So that works out very well for me. So yeah, just nautical stuff most. Like nautical crimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be my wheelhouse, I think. So you've got one pun. And your non-you-old... Yeah, I've got one pun to wheel out fortnightly.

Your nom de plume would be Norty gal. Norty gal the nautical, um... Subby. Nope, absolutely. No, no, I'm pretty sure. So a lot of what I've read from Moss today is from his website. where he published his official statement of the events, which he wrote less than a month after the event.

So the memories are still pretty fresh for him. And one of the most heart-wrenching parts was this. He said, when Tracy and I were alone on the bridge, we discussed what to do when the ship actually went under. We'd stick together and tie some extra life jackets together and make something to cling to. We said over and over that we were glad that our 15-year-old daughter, Amber,

and her 14-year-old cousin, Shane, had got off in Durban a few days before. If they'd been aboard, we may have acted very differently. Of course, yeah. But they were just, yeah. And that was another reason why Tracy was mad at him for doing something dangerous. She was like, you're a father, like, you can't. Both parents are coming home.

Did you do it to save lives? Yeah, yeah. But it was just in the moment. She was just protective. Yeah. I get that. Yeah, she was like, I don't want to do school drop off. And pick up.

And pick up. And pick up. And kids at boarding school. She was like, oh, God. Twice a year I've got to drop her off. You're going to let me do that alone. That's so funny. Fuck, I've got to make lunches.

You're bastard. She's going to start going out with her friends soon. I'll be dropping her off in town. And I've got to pick her up at 4 a.m. Some team. You're not much use in Davy Jones's locker, are you moss? He finishes by writing. My constant worry was that I had secured.

at the harness incorrectly around passengers. Before Gary left me alone, he said to make sure the harness strap was high under the arms and not low in the back. If it was too low, then the force of the chopper could break or damage the spine. Oh, no pressure. I know. This coupled with the fact that so many passengers slipped and fell and others struck the railing as they were hoisted aloft, made me worried about the injury rate of the people I was

rescuing. When our chopper finally landed and people swarmed around to thank us, I saw that everyone looked okay and I was overcome with emotion. Oh, good news. Then I really felt like it was over and I just hoped that everybody was off and my friends and fellow staff who had been on board was safe. Because they don't even know that they've got everybody off. Yeah.

Got everybody off. But they had. Isn't that crazy? This episode is like a carry-on film. Carry on the cruise. Ooh. Oh, got off. Ooh.

Is this why we need Dave? No, he's pretty silly. He's into the innuendo. Back on dry land, Moss was put on a drip because he was severely dehydrated. Remember that they'd played until dawn the day before and he just stayed up the whole time and just the adrenaline coursing through.

He was just completely exhausted. So they put him on a drip, but he was fine. Everyone was okay. According to an article on the BBC, Moss and Tracy, who now live in Liverpool, continued working as cruise ship entertainers for many years, Even now, three decades later, Tracy prefers not to talk about the sinking or dwell on how close they all came to losing their lives. But Moss, who's been asked about the Oceanus many, many times, finds it cathartic to talk about.

He looks back on what happened with great relief. I'm not invincible, Moss says, but if I can get through that, I can get through anything. And according to the website, Oceaniasyncing.com, which looks like it's his website, Tracy is a jewelry designer now, and Moss still works on ships, and he is now a cruise director. Oh wow. Wow. So you'd feel pretty comfortable being on his ship. Yeah, I was going to say quite the opposite of the captain.

Yeah. You'd be stoked to have him on board. Totally. And I forgot to mention at the very start. This was suggested by Heidi Douglas from Brisbane. And I don't have it with me right in front of me, but the way that Heidi sold the story was like a group of musicians save a sinking ship. And I was like, my listening.

Yeah, yeah. So a great pitch there, Heidi. And thank you for suggesting it. Heidi, I am so sorry about what we did to the episode. I know you wanted a compelling story, but we mostly talked about sex stuff. Oh, but yeah, that's the story of the sinking of the MTS Oceionis. Fabulous story and well told. I'm so stoked that it ended up with a happy ending.

I know. Happy ending. I know. Jeez, Louise. I don't think I could have done it if it was like, and everyone died. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it would have also like just made that episode in remarkably poor taste. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's happened in the past. We don't know where a story's going. Jess and I are going off on some. It's quite recently we were having a great time fucking about and it ended up being a massacre episode and we did not know. But people listening see the title of the topic. So they know a lot of people are about to get killed and we're just like, la la la la la la la la. A bit too light.

But yeah, this one was safe to have some fun because everyone's okay. Yeah. Your real risk takers, aren't you? Yeah. Really rolling the touch. We're the bad boys of podcasting. Thanks so much for joining us this week, Kersie. It was my pleasure.

I had such a fun time. If people wanted to, and I'm not promising they do, but if they want, if they did want to find you, where could they find you? Where could they find you? They absolutely do want to find me. So my address is... I do that every week. How can people find you at my house?

17. Yes, go on. My website has my upcoming life shows mailing list on it. Kirstywebeck.com. I am on every social media platform. I even joined TikTok recently. That one could really use a little boost, please, listeners. Get around my TikTok.

Kirsty Webeck on every platform. I'm really fun to hang out with online. So fun. And in person, if I can be so bold. Hey, you too. I had a really fun time. Thank you so much for having me. Next time, we'll do it on Zoom and I'll turn my camera.

Dave, I'm so sorry for stealing a gig, but you won't be needed anymore. Sorry, gorgeous. Thanks so much, Kirstie. Base legends. And that brings us to everyone's favorite part of the show, the fact, quote, or question. And yes, it's Jess here alone again to do this special part of the show. Look, that episode went for like two hours.

We'd recorded another three-hour episode earlier that day. So, you know, we didn't have a lot of steam left in the tank. Do you put steam in a tank? Anyway, there was nothing left for us to. do these patrons. Matt said, hey, should we do it? And I said, nah, do it later. And now is later. So a pleasure to be here with you. As you know, if you've joined us before

on Do Go One, this is a part of the show where we get to thank a bunch of people who support us over on patreon.com forward slash dogo on pod. Or at dogoonpod.com. You can also support us there as well. So, without further ado, That's essentially just me saying Shut up, Jess. First and foremost, what we like to do is a little section called fact, quote, or question.

And it has a jingle that goes a little something like this. Fact quote or question. I always remember the ding. And in this section of the show, people who support us on the Sydney-Shineberg Deluxe Memorial Rest in Peace level get to submit a fact, a quote, a question. It can be a brag.

It can be a suggestion. It can be a recipe. It can be anything you want it to be. This is open for you. And our first fact quota question comes from Dan Marshall. Dan has given themselves the title of Tonight's Guest, which I love that, Dan. Very fun energy there. And Dan has given us a fact.

Dan says, hi, hi, crew. My fact is related to the wonderful Peking to Paris Report, in particular the Motori Contal motorcycle tricycle slash car. If I said that wrong, it's because I wasn't on that episode. So you can't be mad at me. Although I think, I don't know if it's come out yet or not, but you might hear a little bit more about that story very, very soon. A little bit of sizzle there for you.

Back to Dan's fact. The front seat for the navigator was so dangerous, the Contal Factory gave it a special name, Letoubel Mayor. which means the kill your mother-in-law seat. That is bleak. And Dan says, as a less grim fact, my old boss actually did the 2007 peaking to Paris in a 1951 Riley.

Cool, which by chance is also the same car my uncle bought and completed a ground-up restoration on during the Melbourne lockdowns. That's very cool. Your old boss, 2007. Wow. Still doing it there. Crazy. That's very cool, Dan. Thank you so much for that fact. Our next fact to quote or question comes from Eleanor Lacey Sloan. And Eleanor's given themselves the title, Director of Hopefully

Feeling Better Soon. Oh, okay. Does that hint at what Eleanor's fact to quote a question is going to be about? Let's find out. Eleanor is giving us a question. Says, hi guys, my boyfriend and I recently broke up and I'm really down about it. Eleanor, it does seem like your title was foreshadowing. I found that listening to old episodes of Do Go On really helps by distracted me and making me laugh. So thank you for that. My question is, what else do you suggest to help me get over at slash feel better? Sorry to use a fact-corder question as free therapy. Never apologize for using it as free therapy. It's not free. You are a contributor to our Patreon and we

appreciate you. Getting over a breakup, let me tell you. Laughter, good call. Yes. Distraction. focus on you. It's all the wanky cliche shit, but it's true. Spend more time with your friends. Keep yourself really busy. And unfortunately, the best remedy for it is just time. It will get easier every day. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's getting easier every day, but it will.

And like try new things. Try stuff that you haven't given yourself the space to explore. And I don't, don't get your head out of the gutter if you chuckled at that, your child. No, but like, you know, try new things and go to new places and, you know, you can do the classic drastic haircut or a new outfit. Do all that stuff. Spend a lot more time with your friends and they will distract you and make you feel better. And I'm sorry, but he's probably a dick. He might have been nice.

I don't know. However you feel, I feel that as well. So if you're like right person wrong time, then I'm there with you. If you're like, he's a piece of shit, then I fucking hate that guy and I'll kill him. So whatever your feelings are, I'm mirroring that to you. Our next fact quarter question comes from Colin Wright. Collins given himself the title Senior Inspector of Honesty in All Landlady slash tenant interactions. Oh my God.

It killed me in that episode. How many times lying to a landlady really let Ethel down? Ethel? Whatever. Colin's given us a fact. Colin says, I'm always fascinated to find out the people I assumed died forever ago were actually alive surprisingly recently. For example, my distant relative Orville Wright, one of the Wright brothers who helped invent heavier than air flight.

So you're saying your distant relative is Orville Wright, one of the Wright brothers are you not then related to both anyway maybe you'll explain and Neil first man on the moon Armstrong were alive at the same time for 18 years Armstrong was born in 1930 and Orville Wright didn't come to an end

as awkward things must until 1948 you might have mentioned that fact in either your Apollo 11 episode or your episode on the Wright brothers but I thought it was really interesting and pending Jess's approval maybe even a little fun. So the thing that is fascinating to you is that some people that are quite famous in history were alive not that long ago. I get that. I've also just realized again that your surname is

right. But yeah, how are you related to one of them? I understand like, you know, maybe like a great grandfather or an uncle or something, but like the other one's right there. You. You know, you're basically related to both. I'm going to call that. That's very cool. I don't, honestly, I don't know if that's a fun fact. Nah, I'll say it's a fun fact. Good stuff.

And finally, for fact, quote a question, Sophie Shooter, it's given Sophie, giving itself the title, Group Mum. If you want pudding, you need to finish your veggies. I love that, Sophie. And we love your Group Mum energy. You love to organise the Patrions into all sorts of fun and wonderful things. So thank you.

And Sophie, he's gone for a brag, but says, actually, I'm starting a new heading. Confession. I work in a kitchen of a supermarket feeding the staff. I'm often asked to make a cake for a special occasion, but my days are already busy. So I use box mixes a lot of the time. Just mix it up with some eggs, milk and oil and whack it in the oven. It's so much quicker. Yeah, 100%.

In my defence, I decorate all the cakes as well as well as I can, but I do feel bad and people compliment me on the sponge. Nah, don't feel bad about that. absolutely should not feel bad about that. It is, it is outside of your, um, job description. You are busy. You got a lot on cooking. And especially like cooking in,

bulk like that, very time consuming. So then you're just adding a cake willy, nilly of course. I mean, why did they invent packet mixes if not for convenience? And that's exactly what you need in this instance. So if you say you don't have to feel bad about that. Um, and you're decorating them. That's the impressive part.

Sometimes when you have like really fancy looking cake, the cake itself is a bit shit. So what's more important is the cake is edible and delicious. And then cherry on top, you've decorated and made it pretty. No, you're absolutely nailing it. Don't even think about feeling guilty about that. And thank you for your confession. This is a safe place. And similar to Eleanor, I've gone too hard, I think.

and I've just immediately gone a bit nuts in supporting you. So thank you, Sophie, and also thank you to Colin, Eleanor and Dan. Now, the next thing we like to do is a shout out to a bunch of people who support us over on patreon.com. And, yeah, one of the benefits you can get. What do you do with a benefit? Get is we will read out your name. And thank you. And we like to play a little bit of a game.

with this one. I was thinking because we, I mean, God, we had a few pretty wild riffs through there. But what I was thinking we could do is what song you would play on a guitar at a house party. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to look up acoustic or acoustic chill, acoustic hits. I'm looking at playlists on Spotify. Let's go acoustic hits. Yeah, okay, there's enough in here. I'm going to go for acoustic hits. It's a Spotify playlist, so you know it's good. It's got 3.7 million likes.

That's bonkers. Anyway, so I will be, I'll be assigning you a song that there's a guitar at a house party. We're all at a house party together. There's a guitar there. And one by one, you're going, oh, is this a guitar? Oh, I might play a little dittled ditty. But not in an insufferable way. Like everybody's, everybody's loving it.

They're loving having a sing-along. So without further ado, first and foremost, I would love to thank from deep within the fortress of the moles. That's right. Location Unknown. I would love to thank Peter McWirter. Oh, that's good. Peter McWirter?

Wurter. McWirter. Oh, shit, that's good stuff. All right. Well, Peter's up first and straight away taking one of the big ones. So a few people, a few other people at the party groaned because they were like, that's what I was going to do. But Peter has pulled out home by Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros.

And it's probably a good one to start with because a good sing-alongability. You know what I mean? Like everybody else is like, ah, yes. And they sort of, they're jumping in there. They're doing the chorus. And yeah, I think, I think you've nailed that Peter. So thank you not only for your support and for listening, but also. for your acoustic hit.

I would also love to thank from Vancouver in Canada, Neil McLean. Oh, another good name. What is it with you people and you fantastic names? Neil McLean's come in, landslide, Dixie Chicks, or now just the Chicks. And bloody brings the house down. It's a real good one. Again, good sing-song ability. sing-along ability

so loving that thank you so much Neil from Colorado Springs in the US that is my boyfriend's work phone ringing that's gonna ring for a while I'm just gonna go decline that and put it on silent

will I edit any of that out absolutely not from Colorado Springs in the US I would love to thank Aiden Luter Aiden Luter Aiden Luda, that's good. Aidan has gone for George Ezra, Budapest.

A fun song. And again, I would argue, pretty fun to sing along to, if you're me, and you like that song. So thank you, Aidan. A great energy you're bringing to the party. From Lewisham in the ACT, Canberra, Australia. I would love to thank Rebecca Warns. Rebecca warns you not to take her song which is better together by Jack Johnson

Nobody does it better than Rebecca So she's like don't even fucking think about it'll kill you That's my song and everybody at this party knows it Sorry to bring the tone down But I'm sick of people stealing my song And some people at the party are like God this Rebecca, I don't know it that well And this energy is crazy

And then Rebecca sings better together by Jack Johnson and everyone's like, I get it. I get it. And I, yep, I support it. So thank you, Rebecca Warns. From Noble Park in Victoria, I would love to thank Rochelle. Great name. Beautiful.

It's got some nice sounds in it. I like the shell part. Oh, beautiful. And Rochelle coming in, just scrolling down a little bit. Oh, of course. Hohe from the Luminers. Another one, very easy to sing along to. If there's a ukulele at this party,

as well, I'm jumping in. I can play that one on ukulele. So can I? I haven't played in like three years. Ah, it's like riding a bike. So Rochelle pulling that one out. Everybody's having a good thing. It's really, it's quite beautiful, I've got to say. It's really nice.

Next, another one from Deep Within the Fortress of the Moles. Location Unknown. I would love to thank Brandon Teal. Teal is a fantastic surname. I like that so much. Another ukulele kind of hit Rip Tide, Vance Joy, which actually the other day, I saw a TikTok that was like, here's a bunch of one-hit

wonders you never, you forgot about. And Riptide from Vance Joy was on there. And I was like, I don't know if it's because I'm in Australia or I work in radio and I play Vance Joy all the time. But no, I wouldn't say one-hit wonder. So I am interested if you're in like the UK or the US. if are you getting new van's joy music it's arguably a lot of the same but it's good and if you're not getting it bloody i mean vance needs to chat to some of his people anyway got defensive there on behalf of uh probably quite wealthy white man so who cares he's fine anyway i would also love to thank from lanook lanook lanook Lanook in New South Wales.

I would love to thank Acacia Livok. Livok. Acacia Livik. Bloody hell, what a name. Okay, Ocacia, you are, of course, covering... Keep... I'm just having a little scroll through here. A lot of Mumford and Son on this list.

Lot of Mumford and Son. Oh, Cannonball from Damien Rice. Again, bringing the tone down a tiny bit, but bloody beautiful. So good call on that one. And thank you for that. From, what is this? Telfiner.

There's Telfiner. There's going to be some sort of local way to say that. It's from Texas. Leroy Hines. Leroy Hines coming in. John Mayer, your body is a wonderland. And everyone's sort of like, but again, Leroy's rendition brings a whole new life

and vitality to the song. They're like, actually, this fucking slaps. This is great. Thank you, Leroy, they say. That's what they'll say, Learoy. So you just back yourself. And finally, I would love to thank from Southampton in Great Britain, Amy Butler.

And Amy is coming in and covering, I chose one, and then I've decided to scroll past it to see if I could do better. I don't think I can. Amy, you are covering Coldplay's yellow. Obviously not everybody's favorite cold play song. Some of us love the scientist. But a beautiful track, a timeless piece.

So great choice there, Amy. Thank you to Amy, Leroy, Acacia, Brandon, Rochelle, Rebecca, Aidan, Neil and Peter. You absolute legends. And finally, the only other thing I need to do is check to see if there's anybody being inducted into the Trip Ditch Club this week. And there is, there's a few. So, all right, let's see how we go with this. So what this is, the Trip Ditch Club,

I like to think of it as like a very cool exclusive airport lounge, right? So like once you're in, you're stuck there forever. But it's got everything you need. We've got food. We've got a bar. We've got little sleeping pods. You can have a nap in. We've got, yeah, basketball courts.

There's all sorts of recreational activities. you'll want for nothing while you're there. And once you've supported the podcast for three consecutive years, you are welcomed into the club with open arms. Matt is on the door. He's helping you in. In fact, actually this time, I'm usually, I always book, I'm behind the bar.

So, but it, I was going to do like a cocktail, right? where there was like essentially there was a little ship I would put a ship in every cocktail and it would sink and it felt a bit insensitive but Oceana so everything is ocean colored I got a lot of blue cocktails are they good not really no but it was too late for me to cancel the

the tower of sushi of all things that is positioned in such a way that it's it's a half of a ship it's sort of sticking out of the table like it's sinking. And again, it does feel a bit on the nose, but nobody died on this ship sinking. And I am going to need you to start eating because it's sushi. So it's going to go a bit gross. So get on to that. Thank you so much. and Dave is always the one in charge of booking a band.

What I have done is I have booked Joey Badass who's going to play his absolute hit Cruise Control. So that'll be good. And I've actually requested he doesn't play anything else, just plays cruise control. So I hope you like that song. Now to bring in a few events, our wonderful, esteemed new attendees to the Trip Ditch Club.

I would love to thank from Izzoquois in Washington. I feel like I've heard that said before, and it wasn't how I just said it. But anyway, I'd love to thank David Shields, and he'll shield you from bad times and provide only good times. Thank you, David Shields. From New Plymouth in New Zealand, it's Melissa Peters, and the party peters out until Melissa arrives,

and she brings back, it gives us everybody a second wind. From Pakenham in Victoria, I would love to thank Josh, and we're packing them in tonight. The dance floor is thumping. It is at full capacity. Everyone wanted to be here because Josh is here. from Lancaster in Kentucky, I'm guessing, in the US. K-Y, it's got to be Kentucky, right?

She stops to Google and ruins all of her momentum. Kentucky. Never doubt yourself, Jess, you beautiful bitch. I would love to thank Justin Nichols. Only Nichols and dimes here. That's all you need, because Justin's got the cold hard cash. Oh man, I'm bad at these. From Stanmore in New South Wales, I'd love to thank Matt Rowe.

Ro, Ro, Ro, row, straight into my arms. Matt, it's been a long time. Haven't seen you, buddy. Park your canoe over there. And help yourself to a blue drink and some sushi. And finally, from Grimsby in Great Britain, I'd love to thank Conquer. Conquer. Well, you're going to conquer the dance floor tonight, my friend.

And absolutely, you're doing the robot. You're twirking. And it is working. We're having a great time. So thank you so much. Conquer, Matt, Justin, Josh, Melissa and David. And I think that's about all we have to do. I've got to say, I've done this in record time.

Normally this takes ages. But even, you know, we didn't even have, we had one question today. Often it's the fact quote or question. It's the question part that derails us because we love. to give thoughtful responses. But with just one of us here, there's a little less thought, you know. I'm still thinking about it, but otherwise there'd be two other people think, you know what I mean.

So anyway, yes, record time. Very pleased with that. Remember that anybody can suggest a topic. There's a link in the show notes. There's a link on our website where you can suggest a topic. So if you're like browsing through TikTok and you see something that's kind of interesting or you stumble upon a documentary and you're thinking of. it's a great story.

Let us know about it. And there's always, there's an option to, like, if you've read a really interesting article, you can just copy and paste that link into the resources, and that's a great place for us to start. So, yeah, you can absolutely do that. You can buy merch over on our website as well. Hopefully I have some new stuff coming up there

in the next few months. And until very soon, a thank you and goodbye. Ladies, bye! Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there. Wherever we go, we always hear six months later, oh, you should come to Manchester. We were just in Manchester. But this way you'll never, will never miss out.

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