Do Go On - 356 - The Sinking of the MTS Oceanos

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

This week Matt and Jess are joined by comedian and friend, Kirsty Webeck, to hear the story about how an unlikely group sprung into action when the cruise ship they were on suddently started taking on water. A LOT of water. Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: dogoonpod.com or patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/suggest-a-topic/ Check out our new merch! : https://do-go-on-podcast.creator-spring.com/ Stream our 300th episode with extra quiz (and 16 other episodes with bonus content): https://sospresents.com/authors/dogoon Check out our AACTA nominated web series: http://bit.ly/DGOWebSeries​ Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader Thomas REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MTS_Oceanoshttps://www.oceanossinking.com/https://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-60841291https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-moss-hills-story-the-sinking-of-the-oceanos/id1525651535?i=1000543446332 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Melbourne through the festival in April, and then Brisbane after that. I'm also doing Who Knew It's in Perth and Adelaide. Details for all that stuff at mattstuartcomedy.com.

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write the future. Hello and welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Jess Perkins and as always I'm joined by Matt Stewart. Hey Jess, it's so good to be here. But it's not just you and I alone because our little little man friend David Warnocki is still away. And we miss him so. Yes, and we believe him to still be alive in Europe. We have not heard confirmation as such, but we believe in our hearts that he's not dead in a gutter somewhere. We've got a tracker on his phone and it hasn't moved in some time.

And it is near a gutter. We're assuming he's putting his feet up on the gutter having a well-deserved break. But in Dave's stead, in his very small but important shoes, we have a first-time guest. Yes. And I'm so excited to welcome you here today Kirsty Webeck hello mates it's nice to be here if it makes things easier for you um you can call me Kirsty Warnicky okay that will make it easier okay that will make it a lot easier happy to help we do call Dave Dave Warnicky at all times yeah as well. I call him Kirstie Warnke, so that actually makes it...

That makes it a lot easier. A lot easier. Yeah, yeah. I don't know how that joke started, but yeah, we've always called him Kirstie Warnke. Come full circle here today. Yeah. Now, Jess, as Kirstie is a first-time guest on the show, I thought maybe you could explain to her how the show works.

I would love to. And, I mean, Kirstie is a long-time listener, first-time guest-er. Super fan. Super fan. Wears our merch around a lot, which I love. Yeah, I do. Do you give it a wash or just wear it? It's actually in the washing machine right now, which is why it's not on.

Because you will know that – you'll definitely know this because I did it to you. I sent you a message yesterday. Yeah. And it was simply a photo of me at the dog park in my do-go-on jumper. Yeah. So Jess will know that because it happened to her. I know it. So as such, it's currently in the wash. Yeah.

Take anything to a dog park, it's getting dirty, let me tell you. But everyone's having a good time. Anyway, so my question. Because the dogs shit on it? The dogs shit all over it. Really? Yeah, they do. Where else is a dog going to shit?

Dog society is such a curious place to me. Matt doesn't understand pets. Going to a dog park, having dogs shit on you for fun. It's weird. I don't get it. Yeah, especially when you don't have a dog yourself. Yeah, it is odd. It's an odd decision, but...

I'm a cat man, you're a scat woman. So, yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? That is true. So, my question Yeah. I'm a cat man, you're a scat woman. So, yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? That is true. So, my question to get us onto the topic is, what's the worst thing that you'd be worried about if you were on a cruise? Oh, okay. What could go wrong on a cruise? I reckon like a ventriloquist being the only entertainment.

We are going to talk about entertainers a bit. You've done some cruise ships, haven't you? Do you realise that this is no word of a lie, I am getting on a cruise ship in two days. I knew it. Yeah. Can I also clarify it is for business, not pleasure. Okay.

No shade on anyone that does enjoy going on a cruise for pleasure. Yeah, that's fine. But I am going to work on a cruise ship, the first one since you know what. Fuck yeah, that's exciting. 9-11? Since Voldemort? Yes, since Voldemort, yes. Anyway, you're not meant to say it.

Yeah, sorry. It's you know who. How long are you on the seas for? I am on the high seas, being the salty sea dog that I am, for three nights. Okay. Is that true? Who are you talking to? Yes, it's true.

I'm talking to myself. Oh, my gosh. Sorry, I really went into something existential then. Is that true? Is that true? Are you Matt? What are you looking at? What are you looking at, Matt? Is that true? Are you now? What are you looking at? What are you looking at, Matt?

Is your friend here with you now, Kirsty? It is three nights, yes. That's correct. It's so weird because as I was writing this yesterday, I thought to myself, I should check just to make sure that Kirsty isn't going on a cruise anytime soon. Oh, this is, yes. So what could it be, do you reckon, that might have happened to this cruise?

I'm guessing an iceberg. Not an iceberg. We've done Titanic. Pirates. Not pirates. All right, a big hole. It's sinking, though, isn't it? It's sinking.

Yeah. Yep. A hole in the bucket. A hole in the bucket. Oh, is this, it's like the, Italy is what i'm trying to say no it's not that one i've already forgotten what that one was called that wasn't that long ago though okay no no is it it's not the one that's not the ruby princess no no no no um oh shit it it came up a lot in uh in the research about this one because when the Italian one sank,

a lot of people likened it to the story that I'm going to tell you today. Italian cruise sink. Well, just looking that up. So you're doing three nights. You do like an hour each night? Costa Concordia. Not even. Thank you.

Oh, Costa Concordia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one. Cucaracha Concordia. That was in 2012. That's correct. Yeah. yeah, yeah. That's the one. Cucaracha Concordia. That was in 2012. That's correct. Yeah. No, I, no, not even that much.

Oh, cool. Yeah, I've got one night off to begin with, which is good. You've got three nights, you've got one night off. Yeah, which is good. That's not bad. Two on one off. Love that. Because I like to work smarter, not harder.

That's right. That's right. You know me. They call me two gigs a year. We there. But those gigs, you've got to be there. You've got to be at them. I knock those out of the park because I'm well rested.

Great first up. Although the first one, there are cobwebs to blow out. But you really hit your stride halfway through the second one. That's exactly right. Yeah, I've got to blow those cobwebs off because it's been 300 days since I was on stage. Give me some space. Well, no, it's not Costa Concordia. But yeah, when that happened in 2012, a lot of people made some correlations to the sinking of the MTS Oceanus.

Oh, is that Greek? Yes, it was a French-built cruise ship built in 1952 and it was acquired by Aperitiki, which is a Greek shipping company in the mid-70s. So, yeah, it's a Greek shipping line. And the route that the ship was traveling in the early 90s was along the South African coast so it was going between Cape Town and Durban with stops along the way and also into the Indian Ocean Islands so traveling up to

around Madagascar and Mauritius on this particular voyage the oceanus had sailed from Cape Town to East London South Africa Because I was like, East London, South Africa. Okay. My geography's bad, but not that bad. I was like, I'm pretty sure Cape Town to London is quite a journey. It just sounds really far. Yeah. I don't know you guys. It just seems really far. That's me.

And after a stop in East London, they would sail on to durban so all of the guests disembarked in east london and stayed in a resort for the night as the ship had been booked for a wedding somebody hired out an entire cruise ship for his son's wedding he was like this wealthy businessman in in south africa just hired an entire cruise ship. Every single person staying on that cruise ship was put up in a hotel so this guy could throw an all-night party on a cruise ship. Wow. That's money, baby. Well, it's somebody who was recently engaged and –

Oh, what happened? What? What? He's assumed that the engagement has happened and a breakup. You were recently engaged, not anymore? Still engaged. Still engaged. Yeah, got engaged and currently still engaged.

Okay. I mean, give us full context. Would you assume that I'm going to leap to conclusions? Kirstie should have said as an engaged person. Yeah, sorry. As an ongoing engaged. As in engaged to be married, not as in engaged in an activity. Okay.

Thank you. Or on the phone, but the phone is engaged. As an engaged person, Matt, and I'm engaged, not you, or you might be as well, but as one of those, and also as someone who is rolling in the dough, having completed their two gigs for the year, I'm getting some real ideas about this cruise ship wedding. I think if I were you while I was on a cruise in a few days' time,

I'd be rubbing shoulders. I'd be networking. Networking? I'd be like, oh, bonjour, Capitan. I'm assuming it's a friendship you're going on. Absolutely, it's a friendship I'm going on. From Sydney. Well, that's very good.

I think you're right. I'm going to be shimming my way up to the captain's table on Friday night. Don't you worry about that. And then, you know, mates rates. I like it. I like it a lot. The cruise has a night off and they're like, Kirstie, come on down.

You want to get hitched? You want to get hitched? Yeah. In the nightclub on the top deck. Yeah. What better place to get married than somewhere you've just had two of the greatest nights of your year? Yeah.

Let's make it one more. One more great night. One more great night to remember. Yeah. Actually, I don't know if you do want to get married on a cruise. So what year are we in? Are we in the 70s? We're in the early 90s.

Okay. 91. I've been paying attention. Close enough. 91, the year the Eagles won their first premiership. No, that's not true. Hawthorne won their premiership. If I recall correctly, a team definitely won.

Oh, yes. But I actually would argue that a team lost as well. Oh. Yeah. Oh, that's pretty glass half-empty stuff. Okay. Okay. Sure.

That's me. I'm just a bit of a glum little thing over here. Death exists. I think that was Michael Tuck's last premiership Oh yeah We all remember Oh huge year Michael Tuck's last premiership

Wow yeah Scams record holder Michael Tuck Or he used to be He was at the time Yeah was he engaged At the time as well I think he was engaged

At the time Not anymore Not anymore That's sad Good on you Tucky You know when people say People get married And they're like

My ex-fiance Because it's now their wife or something and you're like, my God. Oh, you can use that, Kirsty. You can have that. Thank you. Yeah, just be like, hey, everyone, thanks so much for coming. We just want to announce that we are no longer engaged because we're married.

And everyone will go, that's why we pay the big bucks to do all those comedy gigs. Two gigs a year. That is good shit. Would that work when everyone's at the wedding already? That's when they do it. That's when it's always grooms and that's when they make that joke. I don't think the bit works.

It doesn't. It's not that funny. Yeah, it'd only work if you were just at like an inconspicuous, not inconspicuous, innocuous like pool party. Yeah. And you're like, hey, everyone, it's me, your good friend, Kirstie Webeck. And oh, no, look over there. It's my ex-fiance. Yeah.

It's my ex-fiance, Elle. Yeah. Because we got married. Exactly. And that's why it works in four weddings and a funeral when Hugh Grant is talking to, you talking to an acquaintance at a wedding and he says, how's so-and-so? And he says, oh, it's not my...

He says, how's that lovely fiancé or something? He goes, oh, no longer my fiancé. And Hugh Grant says, oh, well, you know, never mind. I heard she was sleeping with somebody else anyway. And then the guy goes, because she's my wife. So maybe just don't make the joke maybe just don't i think you might hear people's real feelings about l and i've heard she's a real pill she's awful she's a bad person i've heard and now that i know that you're not engaged anywhere i can

tell you i've heard she's sleeping with someone else so you actually dodged a bullet there. Lucky. Wow. Who knew this was going to be the big expose on Elle episode of Do Go On Pod? Sorry about that. But as your friends, we felt like we needed to tell you. Thank you for bringing me on the pod to tell me what Elle's been up to. I'd feel like a waste of goss if we didn't get it on the Zoom.

Well, I'm really sad now, but I suppose I have to finish the episode. Yeah, sorry. We're only 12 minutes in, so I do need you to compose yourself. Why didn't you tell me at the end? This is actually really mean. Yeah, that's true. That's good feedback for next time. Thank you.

Did you ever explain to Kirsty how the show works? I forget. Yeah, didn't we? Nah. Nah, we've just assumed that I know. And of course I know because I'm very clever. No, I just did the question. Oh, you know, because remember Jess started saying how I'm a super fan.

Oh, that's right. So you know. It's my first time on it. Like, do go on poddies, cool things from my veins. Wow. But if somebody is listening for the first time and they've made it this far not knowing what it's about, we tell you about a thing. Yeah.

And you're all caught up. It's always a cruise-related story. Yeah, it's a cruise. Tom Cruise, Bacardi Breezers, which are related to vodka cruisers. And I started saying that thinking that it was going to end in cruiser, but it didn't. It ended in breezer. Penelope Cruise. It doesn't matter. Penelope Cruz. It doesn't matter.

Penelope Cruz. I'm trying to cover for you now. Ted Cruz. Cruz Beckham. Cruz Beckham. Cruz Beckham. Yeah. I didn't make that up, did I?

No, they've got a Cruz. Yeah, they've got a Cruz. Cruz Beckham. Great. Yeah, there's other ones as well. Terry Cruz. Oh, that's a good one. Different spelling also.

Yeah, like backstage cruise. Is that a thing? Yeah. Production cruise. Oh, that's a good one. Different spelling also. Yeah, like backstage cruise. Is that a thing? So the wedding that was held on the cruise. I'm up to the third dot point. Oh, my gosh. Go, go, go. No, no, no. And she's got like four dot points.

I've got like six to go. Yeah, no. So, yeah, all the guests disembark and they're staying in a hotel and the wedding was to be a lavish affair. Had two priests, don't know why, huge amount of flowers and approximately 400 guests. Is this about the two priests? Yeah, I think the more priests, the more pizzazz, more, you know,

that's razzle-dazzle to me. And I hope they're, like like glittered up, you know, wearing those glittery scarves that priests do for special occasions. Yeah. Are you two church types? Pardon? Are you a church goer? No.

I grew up a Catholic though. Yeah. Same. I think all three of us did. Did we? Remember they wore different coloured scarves? It was a purple one at Easter. Yeah.

I love that. That's why we've all got loose morals. We grew up Catholic. That's right. And that's why we all feel awful at Easter. Yeah. That's why we've all got loose morals. We grew up Catholic. That's right. And that's why we all feel awful about it. I've got loose morals and I'm wracked in guilt. I reckon it's two priests purely because of the cruise ship wedding. It's a spare for when one of them slips and goes overboard.

That's true, yeah. Because Poirot is also there, which is never a good sign. You've got to have a backup priest. Yeah. That's right. Or, you know, one might get seasick. Yeah. It's always good.

And you can't, where will we get another priest? Yeah, exactly. You can't just get one from nowhere. You've got to have a backup. You don't just go below deck and have a rummage around and come up with another priest. Yeah. You've got to prepare one.

You've got to be a priest. You've got to be one. And if both survive, then you can just add a little razzle dazzle. That's exactly right. So they can do like more sort of, you know, they a little razzle dazzle. I think that's exactly right. So they can do like more sort of, you know, they can do some choreographed dancing and arm movements. Yeah, just some tasteful stuff like arm movements. Yeah, they can sing the Our Father song or prayer together, harmonised.

Oh, that's nice. Our Father who art in heaven. Also, how quickly would you get through communion? Disco version. With a bit of help. Yeah. Right, 400 people. Yeah, that's nice. Our Father who art in heaven. How quickly would you get through communion? Disco version. With a bit of help. Yeah. 400 people. Yeah, that's 200 each.

That's so easy. Body of Christ. That's how our priest when I was a kid used to do it. He held the S. Body of Christ. Oh, I like that. Speaking of razzle dazzle. That is razzle dazzle, isn't it?

That's interesting. Yeah. I don't remember how How Father Mackay did it Well he obviously didn't have A weird quirk then No It was not memorable

I don't remember either Because I'd usually lost Consciousness by that point Yeah I was just there for a snack Oh yeah I'll have a little bit of wafer Thank you

I love the taste of those wafers It did feel like a snack Yeah In Primark I remember we were like Oh yeah We're up to the snack bit It was so good Thank you. I love the taste of those wafers. It did feel like a snack. Yeah. In Primark, I remember we were like, oh, yeah, we're up to the snack bit. It was so good when you had your first communion and then you could go up at school mass. Yeah. Because otherwise, the early years, you're just sitting there watching.

And then, yeah, I'm going to get to have some. And then when you're allowed to have the wine as well. I've never had the wine. And drink from a cup that 100 people have just drunk from before you. It's a COVID nightmare. I never made it to the wine stage. I've never ever had the wine. I denounced my faith at the age of 12.

Did you? Wow. Yeah, that's good. I was a full, full believer until 17. Oh. So what age did you get to start chugging down vino? Yeah, when did they let you drink the wine? I can't remember.

I feel it was, yeah, I think they were, you know, you can have a little sip. I reckon you had a fake ID that you'd flash around at church. Father Foyne's. I mean, the father was the same one who baptised you, so he knows. Surely he could have just run the numbers. Hang on a sec. Carry the two. Apparently super true. Yeah, that on a sec. Carry the two. You're only serving three.

Yeah, that's a good point. Matthew Stewart. I think I kept going. Even after I started having some doubts about things, I think I was probably, maybe I still went a bit for like, you know, Christmases and big events. Because, you know, my parents kept going. It wasn't until we were adults that my dad sort of came clean

that he sort of didn't really believe in it all. Yeah, right. Yeah, interesting. And I remember my sister, I don't know if I've said this before, but my sister was like, what are you talking about? You took us to church every Sunday and you didn't even really believe in it all? And I was like, yeah. She's like, why did you do that?

And he goes, oh, I just found it pretty relaxing. Wow, so is yoga dad. He just liked a bit of peace and quiet for an hour on a Sunday morning. Dad's, the pool's relaxing as well. Yeah, there's so many relaxing things to do. A walk in the park's relaxing, Dad. He went up and did the readings and everything. Like, he was fully involved in it all.

Well, I'm sorry, but doing the readings is not relaxing dad. Not at all. Not at all. I think he loved a bit of performance, maybe. Very stressful. Yeah. Get him down to an open mic night. He could open for me at one of my two gigs.

Oh, that'd be great. Yeah. He could come on the cruise with me on Friday. A letter from the Corinthians? He'd come on the cruise with me on Friday. A letter from the Corinthians? I'm sure he'll appreciate me talking about all this publicly as I just remembered we are doing. Yeah, we went on a tangent just because of the two priests

at the wedding. Apologies to all the cruise crash fans out there. Get to the sinking. So, big wedding, 400 people, a lot of flowers. According to the cruiser's musician, Moss Hills, incredible name, we sailed out of the harbour and into the rather daunting seas. After a few hours at sea, the bridal party decided that it was too rough to have the wedding

and we should return to the dock and stay in the relative calm of the harbour. Tugs were duly summoned and we returned to the harbour, much to the relief of all the staff. We knew that it would be difficult to conduct a wedding, that's not a euphemism. No, that's a tugboat. She wanted to go back out to sea. So the tugs were called again and off we went back into the storm. Okay, so when you're calling a tug, that's not a euphemism. No, that's a tugboat. I love how we both are. We hone in on the same thing because I was thinking what an amazing sentence. Yeah.

Out of context. Yeah. Tugs were summoned. Tugs were summoned. It's like someone's getting fed grapes, you know, being fanned with an olive branch or whatever the branches they fan you with. Palm? An olive branch. They're offering peace.

Asking for forgiveness. I summon the tugs. Tugs have been summoned. Look, there's sometimes when I could very easily rewrite things myself in a way that isn't hilarious, but I was like... Yeah, there's something for them here. We're going to use Moss's words here. Yeah, Tugs were summoned.

Sorry, the Moss Hill thing, is that like one individual's name? Yeah. Yeah, that's incredible. First name Moss, last name Hills. I love it. That's so good. How good is that? Yeah, it's really good. He's a's incredible. First name Moss, last name Hills. I love it. That's so good. How good is that? Yeah, it's really good.

He's a great character. We're going to hear quite a lot about him. Oh, Moss. Oh. Moss Hills. So, yeah, the bride has been like, let's get back out there. So, Moss is like, this really was a wedding with a big budget. It costs thousands of dollars each time a tug and the harbour pilot are used.

How much for a tug? Thousands. For a tug. I imagine that's a good quality tug. That'd be a good fucking tug. In harbour pilot are used. How much for a tug? Thousands. Thousands. Imagine that's a good quality tug. That'd be a good tug of tug. In the 90s as well. It'd be inflation. It'd be a very good tug.

Yeah. Tug's got to be universal. That's not an Australian word, is it? I mean, even if it's not universal, surely. Yeah, I think they've figured it out by now. But then again, we get a lot of um, actuallys. We don't. There's not a lot of words we just have ourselves.

They're nearly always from America or England, I think. Tug. Tug. You'll figure it out. I reckon that's English, probably. Probably. I'll have a tug. Come on, gorgeous.

Summon me a tug, guvva. Give us a tug. Give us a tug, gorgeous. Summon me a tug, guvva. Give us a tug, gorgeous. I wish the listeners could see your face when you said that, Jax, but I also feel like they will be able to see your face. Yeah, they can hear your face.

Give us a tug, sweetheart. Gorgeous. Come on, gorgeous. Come on, gorgeous. Such a grim scene you've painted. I'm sorry. Yeah, I hate it. So the wedding goes ahead with only a little bit of vomiting and the party continues until dawn. Apparently the bridal party had hired somebody to play the organ

and brought her on. It wasn't just like the ship's entertainment. The ship's entertainers were also performing, but the organist was there too. Could not stop vomiting just the whole time. The organist? Yes. And that side note is so funny to me with only a little bit of vomiting.

I prefer none. I just don't want to sidebar at all when you're talking about my wedding where we were acknowledging anything to do with vomit. It's interesting. Only a little bit of vomit. Minimal vomit, actually. You guys looked beautiful. Food was amazing.

Only a little bit of vomit. Hey. Barely any vomit to speak of. Almost not worth bringing up. I'd say four and a half out of five stars. Like, so good. The vomit was negligible. It was like two people.

And yeah, it was all night. And in the middle of the ceremony. But like. They couldn't leave. We're on a boat. Well, this party, yeah, it went all the way through till dawn. It was sort of part of like the contract. They wanted to like party all night.

And so as dawn is breaking, they play their final song. So it's just this all nighter. And the next morning, the weather's still looking pretty wild. Strong winds are whipping about. And most of the crew assumed that with the conditions being as bad as they were, the ship wouldn't leave the dock that night. They probably weren't going to sail. Sailing time was delayed many times before it was finally decided

that conditions further out to sea were improving, and therefore they could set sail later that night. They're like, it's shit right here, yeah. But where we're going, fine. So we'll just go. We'll just go. It's fine over there. We've just got to get there.

Easy. That's clever. So easy. Easy peasy. I know heaps about boats and that to me sounds easy. It'd be easier to sail over there than stay here at the dock. Yeah. This is the hard bit.

Yeah, it sounds so easy. Like, what do we do? Pull the anchor up. Go, go, go. Off we go. Off we go. Sail, the hard bit. Yeah, it sounds so easy. Like, what do we do? Pull the anchor up. Go, go, go. Off we go. Off we go. Sail, sail, sail. You know, this wind, it'll probably just blow us to a good bit.

We'll be pushed to a good bit. So let's all just have a nap. What could possibly go wrong? You've got to fucking chill out. You guys are being real killjoys. It's going to be super easy. Yeah, we're just really easily getting to a nice bit. What's the big deal?

What's the big deal? What's the big deal? Why don't you go have your nice little dinner? Okay? Watch some entertainment. Have a kip. Just chill out. Oh, I get it.

Some of you don't want to be in a nice bit. Yeah. Oh, okay. I get it. Okay. You just want to be in the rough, terrible weather. Okay. Well, however you want to enjoy your holiday.

We want to languish. PC going mad, don't you think? Oh, we don't want to sail because it's not appropriate anymore. Unbelievable. You can't sail anywhere anymore. Yeah. So infuriating. Yeah.

So is this back to the people who were staying in the hotels, the wedding? Yeah. So the wedding's gone. They just had it for the night. Man, as far as Kirsty and I know, we're like, which group of people are about to be caught in an awful situation? So it's the people that had, yeah, were planning on taking this cruise all the way to Durban.

So they've just spent one night on land and then they're back to their sea cabins. Usually as the ship set sail, Moss and his wife Tracy played on the deck for a sail away party. Every time they set sail, there would be a party. Right. Fun. But rough seas moved the party inside into the Four Seasons Lounge.

A lot of passengers chose just to go straight to their cabins. Like, it's a bit shit. As passengers and also crew had dinner around 7pm, Moss recalled waiters struggling to carry trays and avoid colliding as the 30-foot swell outside caused the ship to rock and move quite dramatically. I think, I don't know too much about the high seas. I know that I keep giving off the vibe that I do. Yeah, you've definitely got a nautical vibe.

That's because I make you call me captain. too much about the high seas. I know that I keep giving off the vibe that I do. Yeah, you've definitely got a nautical vibe. Yeah. That's because I make you call me captain. And I'm skipper. I know how it works. Little skipper and the captain. Can I have a name? Tugboat. Okay.

Or just tugger. What do you want? Tugger. Tugger. Thank you. Tugger's been summoned 30 foot swells Sounds

Large Yeah It's not great That's taller than us All put together Imagine us Do you reckon? Imagine the three of us

As a swell Yeah Hang on Jess do you reckon? Matt I'm 5'7 Yeah I'm 5'7 as well And I'm 5'7", as well. And I'm 20...

Oh, no, we're just over. Yeah, we're just over. That's 20 foot tall. That's too tall to fit in the building. It doesn't come up that often. It's weird. It is weird. That I'm easily the tallest person that ever exists.

I mean, I think we focus more on the fact that Dave is pocket size. Yeah. That we don't really talk about you being... The fact that it's my pocket. Yeah, because you're huge. Huge. I'm a really talk about you being... The fact that it's my pocket and I'm a... Yeah, because you're huge. Huge. I'm a huge man.

It's really big swell. That's huge. It's not great. It's very scary. And they're literally like... They're being knocked around a lot. It's not just a bit of a sway that you might get on any kind of boat, ship.

It's a lot of movement. Like the Spirit of Tasmania, for instance. That's right. Yeah, that is a boat. Well, the first cruise ship that I ever worked on, there was a huge storm in Sydney and we were meant to sail away at 4pm but we had to wait until 11. Oof.

And we were just docked, obviously, in the harbour there and even that, like, while docked, was like, whoa. Even in the harbour? Yeah, in the harbour. Wow. That's quite still, the harbour. Yeah. So that's scary. Yeah, and you could still was like, whoa. Even in the harbour? Yeah, in the harbour. Wow. That's quite still, the harbour. So that's scary. Yeah, and you could still, like, and the point I'm making is that

that was not 30 foot swell. No. You could absolutely feel it. Yeah. So that is terrifying. I get quite seasick as well. So even reading this sometimes I'm like, bleh. Like the manly fairy on a still day

you get land sick i do i get quite i get sick easily this is this is something that i this is embarrassing to tell what i'm going to i do a thing where i make my make i get my boyfriend he has his arms around me and then i put my arms up and I do a little spin while his arms stay around me. So I just get to do a little spin and it's something I do quite regularly. And last night I did it and I went, oh, I'm a bit dizzy. And he went, you always get dizzy. Just from doing it 360, I get dizzy.

So that's why he gets his arms around you so you don't tumble. Yeah. I got dizzy having to hear that. Yeah. Why do you do this? Oh, it's a bit of fun. It's a bit of fun. I usually go, wee, when I'm doing it.

We make fun of people in the olden days and the things they do for fun. Yeah. And I don't think they're – they weren't at least going to see a train or wave at a fire engine. Well, you guys just have no whimsy. And I'm sorry that your lives are dull and your relationships are meaningless. Sorry about that. I was just thinking how much I'd hate to be a fly on the wall at Chex's house. Me too.

This is the cutesy stuff she's willing to tell us about. You can only imagine what else they're up to. It's insufferable. So guests started to gather in the lounge, taking their seats, ready to see the evening's entertainment. Kirstie Wiebeck. Kirstie Wiebeck. Supported by Paul Stewart reading letters to the Corinthians.

God, he does it well, though. Oh, he does it well. He's like, I don't know if this is going to be funny, but it will be relaxing. Everybody just chill out. Quite suddenly at around 8.30ish p.m., all the lights in the lounge went out. Unsure if it was just the lounge or the whole ship

that was experiencing a blackout, people were relatively calm at first, assuming that the lights had come back on shortly. Without any power for amps or microphones, Moss got his acoustic guitar and started to play a few sing-along songs. Oh, is Moss a nightmare? No, no, no.

I mean, it's literally his job. This one's Wonderwall. He is a guitarist. Oh, yeah? Oh, if there's a guitar here i guess i gotta have a go you guys want to hear riptide you've got a ukulele as well okay great um yeah so he's just trying to like sort of calm the passengers pass the time figuring that the lights are going to come back on really soon. Or he figured that a member of the ship's crew would make an announcement over the PA or somebody would come and explain what's going on. So he's just like, oh, everything must be fine.

We'll just wait. We'll pass some time. Yeah, I'll rock out. Yeah, exactly. Everybody. He's doing that a lot. Everybody. You know the words.

No, we're here to see you see. No, you know the words. Join in, everybody see you see. No, you know the words. Join in, everybody. Ba-da-da-up. La-la-la-up. And they're like, Jesus Christ. Come on, Moss. You're no Freddy.

Eventually, his wife, Tracy, came to the lounge and mentioned that she'd seen one of the senior officers Running to his cabin that was near hers And he was wild eyed and wet And wouldn't tell Tracy what was going on We've all been there Oh yeah I've been there Wild eyed and wet That's me any Saturday night on a cruise ship At the disco? At the disco?

It's because the tugger's just been summoned. You summon the tugger? I'm wild, hard and wet. Let's do it. Wild, hard and wet? It's actually because he'd just done a little spin while his boyfriend held his arms around him. I don't know if it's the mood I'm in or what, but I'm hearing a lot of innuendo in this episode. You were talking about docking before?

What kind of mood would give you that sort of format? Being wild-eyed and wet. Somebody needs a bit of a tug-up. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Hello, gorgeous.. Hello gorgeous. Hello gorgeous. Jess, when you said it then you looked wild.

Hello gorgeous. Hello gorgeous. Now you come over here, sit on me lap. You look like a different person when you're in that voice. I have no idea what you're talking about. I blacked out. It's actually terrifying. Where am I up to in the report?

I don't know. Next time I come on the pod, I'm going to request to do it over Zoom. Just so I don't have to be near Jess's black voice. Do you mind turning your camera off, Jess? No reason. I think it's a, yeah. You're pulling camera off, Jess? No reason. I think it's a, yeah. You're pulling me off. It's just distracting.

Yeah, it's a data thing. Yeah, it's a data thing. It's a data thing. I get it. I'm good with computers. You're tech. You're tech. You get it.

I'm pretty cool. At this point as well, the engines of the ship are turned off, which doesn't just mean you're not moving forward. It also means there's no steering. So the ship had turned side on and was getting absolutely hammered by big waves. Okay, getting hammered. See, everything here. Big waves.

Side on. Big waves. Side on. Pretty sexy. Yeah, that's hot. You don't get it? Come over here, Gord. I just want to do you side on. Pretty sexy. Yeah, that's hot. You don't get it? Come over here, gorgeous. I want to do you side on.

That's enough. That's enough out of you now. Yeah, okay. We're almost going to lose our PG rating. That was a... Imagine. Almost. Almost.

This is the horniest episode of any podcast I've ever been on. And I've been on some horny podcasts. You've been on the Horned Dogs Horn Week. The horn cast. I exclusively go on horny podcasts. You've got to. It's my brand. It was very dangerous and really difficult to move around the ship

and everything that wasn't bolted to the floor was moving around and falling to the ground. So it's just like furniture's falling over, vases are shattering everywhere. A mirror, for example. A mirror, gone. A mirror would have fallen. Oh, that's bad luck.

A lot of glassware. Yeah, a lot of glassware. Cutlery would have fallen also. Yeah, it makes quite a sound, doesn't it? It does make a sound. It might not break like a glass, but fuck, the sound can sometimes go, whoop, you know? Yeah, clang, clang, clang.

Kirstie, I'm actually known as the man of a thousand noises. I could do the noise of cutlery clattering, if you like. Would you mind? Yeah. If you, I mean, close your eyes and just, you might be shocked, but this is me making the sound. Okay. Clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, clippity, Tell me the truth. When I had my eyes shut, was Matt repeatedly picking up cutlery and dropping it?

Mate. Because please don't make fun of me. I just want to know the truth. No, no, no. Because that definitely didn't sound like Matt was making that sound himself. I know. I completely understand. And it took me a while to get my head around it as well.

I had to like witness him several times. But I, and I, hand on my heart, no bullshit. That was Matt. That was Matt. That was Matt. There isn't actually even cutlery in this room. Yeah, have a look. There's no cutlery. There's no cutlery.

You're right. There's no cutlery. And Jess looks really sincere when, okay, that is, well, one, I'm really sorry for doubting you, but two, holy shit, mate. That is incredible. Yeah. It's so good. That's a cute try. But, you know, Matt's trained for a long time.

Yeah, I've practiced a lot. That was actually incredible. Isn't he great? Yeah. He's quite wasted on this podcast, actually, because sound effects only come up every now and then. Yeah. Yeah, wow.

He should really be. I'm pretty humble about it. You could be in Hollywood. Yeah, Yeah, wow. He should really be. I'm pretty humble about it. You could be in Hollywood. Yeah, he should be the guy from Police Academy. I should be. Yes. I should be the Police Academy guy. You should be.

That was incredible. That was so good. That was really good. Okay. You're starting to embarrass me. Please, Jess, do go on. And still there were no announcements from the PA, no senior crew around to help guide people with what was happening

and what to do. So Moss made his way to his cabin, but on his way he saw three ship security officers running towards the rear of the ship, sensing that something was... The rear of the ship. You guys. Our ears are pricking up every three words. Pricking.

Pricking. I think ships are sexy. They're horny. Yeah, they're very horny. I mean, they are. There's horny. Yeah, they're horny. I mean, they are. There's no wetter place than a ship. Sexy, so sexy. There's no wetter place than a ship, that's true.

Upper deck, hot. That's hot. Port. I mean, it's just another word for orifice. Which is such a sexy word. A gorgeous. Show us your orifice I'm going to plug your port gorgeous Absolutely not

This is too sexy We crossed a line It got too sexy Yeah this sort of stuff might be legal on international waters But we're on land right now We crossed a line. It got too sexy. Yeah, this sort of stuff might be legal on international waters, but we're on land right now. Yeah. So he sensed that something serious was happening,

so he followed them to the crew stairwell and onto one of the ship's decks. Crew were pouring out from the decks below. Pouring out. Deck very close to dick. Oh, no. and some looked wet and most had life jackets on. Condoms. Yeah, condoms. They were running to their cabins and grabbing small bags of personal possessions and then racing to the upper decks.

Something had happened, but no one was saying what. So Moss writes, Lorraine Betts was the cruise director and she'd been to the captain a few times and he had told her that there was a problem with the engine and that we should prepare to abandon ship. I argued that this was too dangerous in the dark with such mountainous waves and with the coastline so rocky and remote. I said that unless we were sinking,

then surely our passengers would be safer on board and we could wait for a tug. Lorraine asked the captain if we were sinking and he said no. There was no water coming in, just an engine problem. I was convinced that he was lying and decided to go down below to find out. Down below. You're trying to feed us to it. I'm trying to be, like I want to be in it.

Maybe we'll put an embargo on it for a little while. Okay. Because it was getting a bit ridiculous. I mean, something quite serious is happening. Yes. Which I have forgotten about, actually, through all this. But, yeah, I forget that we're hearing a grim story. Yeah.

Sorry. No. No, no, no. That's what they would have wanted. Moss said that the captain was saying they should prepare to get the guests into lifeboats as a precaution. But when the fuck do you get into lifeboats in the middle of the night in rough seas as a precaution? Yeah, like this massive swell, but just in case, babe.

Just a drill. Just a drill. Uh-oh, nothing. And why are they too afraid to tell them the truth? Yeah. Is it they're worried about panic? Yeah. Yeah.

But that's kind of the captain's job. And they're, like, the crew are all trained in a million different things that could go wrong. Yeah, and, like, too bad if everyone panics. Like, that's always going to be the case. Yeah. In any disaster like that, you have no control over the fact everyone's going to panic. Yeah. Because they're faced with death.

You need a little panic. Otherwise people are like, no, I'm not going to go do that as a precaution. Yeah. I'm actually lounging reading a book. Yeah. I think you'll find. Okay. I've had seven espresso martinis.

I'm going to continue to dance. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to sleep until Tuesday. So yeah, it was a bit odd. As a precaution, get into a lifeboat. This seems sus AF. That's what Moss reckons.

So he and another one of the entertainers named Julian made their way deeper down into the ship to try and figure out what was going on. Remember as well that it's dark, the ship is rocking around like crazy, and they're the hired entertainment. They are not even experienced seamen. Oh, my God, you're making it hard. Why did you embargo it? Making it hard. Oh, God. So they make it to the engine room, which is empty.

It's been abandoned. And that is not good. That feels quite bad. That quite bad, doesn't it? Yeah. It feels quite bad. They came to a bulkhead that was sealed off with watertight doors and he was like, why are the watertight doors closed? We must be taking on water.

Like they would automatically close if we're taking on water to keep the water in one place. Yes. So he couldn't open them at all and he was like, I'm not going to open the door in case. That would be very stupid. Yeah, that feels like such a good idea. So they headed back up and they told cruise director Lorraine Betts

what they'd seen. And by now lifeboats were being lowered to the embarkation deck and Lorraine was organising women and children into the boats. Strangely, they could see a large proportion of crew getting into the boats as well. But more disturbing was the fact that senior officers were also getting in lifeboats. They were bailing.

Bailing before everyone else was in? Yeah, surely they're supposed to be the last ones on. Women and children and senior officers first. That's the rule. It's actually senior officers and women and children first. Yeah. It's actually the captain. Yeah, captain first.

And if there's any other boats remaining, everyone else is allowed to go. Yeah. Captain always goes down with the ship. No, no, no, you misheard. Captain always goes down with the lifeboat. Yeah, the first one. Yeah, the first one.

The first one. Because I've got to make sure it's safe in the lifeboat. I'm testing it, yes. Yes, they can hold 99 people, but this one's for me and there'll be others. So there had still been no PA announcement, no official guidance of what to do or what was happening. No personal assistance.

No personal assistance. And now the senior crew are bailing. Like that feels sus. And Moss writes, I was now very suspicious and taking my video camera with me, I decided to check again if we were syncing. Once more, I went below. This time, no one came with me. I went down forward of the engine room Came.

Came. So strange. Really weird but like poorly handled yeah really poorly handled yeah can i tell you really quickly that i'd done about um 10 cruise ships when um at breakfast one day we were having a conversation and i was talking about what happened in an emergency and mentioned like jumping off the boat and I'd been in that many drills emergency drills where they talked about the lifeboats and I just completely overlooked it that whole time and thought that we just put our life jackets on and jumped in yeah and someone had to point out to me and they were like, you have done so many drills and we start every ship with a drill,

saying to wait and get into the lifeboat and blah, blah, blah. But I was just putting on a vest and jumping straight into the ocean. I was saying to my mates at breakfast, I was like, don't you think it's weird that you just put on a life jacket and jump into the sea and hope for the best? And they were like, you have done so many drills, why are you jumping into the sea? And then literally outside the window where we were sitting

at this breakfast table, outside the window there was literally a lifeboat hanging there and they were like, what do you think all of those are? Well, they're beautiful ornamental decorations, sure, but what does that have to do with me jumping into the ocean? Why do they have all of these outdoor lifeboat-esque chandeliers? It's very odd. Not my personal taste.

That's so funny. That's incredible. Yeah. Yeah. You've got to be a number to that stuff. Like I'd been on so many ships and I was like, don't you think it feels extreme putting a life jacket on and just jumping into the sea?

Don't do that, Kirsty. Don't do that. You're wondering a life jacket on and just jumping into the sea? Don't do that, Kirsty. Don't do that. You're wondering why nobody else is wet? Yeah, yeah. I'm like, why am I the only wild-eyed wet one on the boat? Bobbing up and down. That is great.

Death is in our air. This year's most anticipated series, FX's shogun only on disney plus we live and we die we control nothing beyond that an epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by james clavelle to show your true heart just to risk your life when i die here you'll never leave japan alive fx's shogun a new original series streaming February 27th exclusively on Disney+. 18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures.

Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. So Moss made his way around filming and trying to see what was happening. And he writes, one of the crew, Costas, who was well known to me, came around another corner of that deck.

He began shouting agitatedly that I must not video here. I kept my cool and dropped the camera from my eye but left it running. He began to herd me back upstairs and I was asking him if he saw all of the water. He just kept saying that there was no water and I was not to video anything. So strange. They're like someone's done something wrong and they're trying to cover it up or? It's very strange. Yes, and now they're gaslighting somebody who's just seen a wall of water and they're

like, that wasn't water, that was a magical eye puzzle. He's going, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, what are you talking about? I'm wild eyed and wet for other reasons. Jess, that was incredible. Yeah, it's pretty good. I was actually underwater, though. That time, I will say.

I was underwater. I thought you were doing a really good imitation of being underwater, and then when I looked over, I realised you were actually in a tank of water. I got in a tank. My computer is ruined. Jess does good sound effects, but she does the method, so. I will be doing the rest of this report from memory. And Wild Item Wet.

I'm very wet. So it's roughly 1am at this point. The people who were actually trained in the procedures to abandon ship had already abandoned ship. Oh my god. This is fucking bonkers. It's no good. It's no good it's no good it's crazy so moss and a group of other entertainers and a few staff members that was left there swung into action to get everyone off the ship the boats weren't get everyone off it's gonna happen a few times the lifeboats weren't secured

properly and as they were being lowered to the deck, the boats would swing away from the ship as it rolled and then come back and crash into the side. Oh my God, this is a nightmare. Here's Moss describing how he worked around this. He said, I would stand at the edge of the ship and when the lifeboat swung against the side, I would put one foot on the lifeboat, one on the ship and quickly help a passenger into the boat before jumping back onto the ship as the lifeboat swung away again. Wow. He's getting people on like one or two at a time.

I'm seeing a real pendulum. Yeah. So, wait up. So, then that person is on the ship as it pendulums out. Sorry, on the boat. And it pendulums out and then smashes again and they're holding on while he's about to load on another person. Wow. Yeah, like that big ship at Dreamworld. And it pendulums out and then smashes again and they're holding on while he's about to load on another person.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, like that big ship at Dreamworld. You know that ship ride that swings around? It'd be like that. Oh, yeah. Always makes me sick. But not fun because you're not meant to be doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah, it would be less fun, wouldn't it? Yeah, like I think the rides Are designed Like there's a bit more control True Yeah that's true I guess

I don't really consider that Yeah like the 30 foot waves Out in the wild Similar to a wave pool I think they change The stakes a bit Similar to a wave pool A little yeah

A little less predictable A little less predictable Mother nature Yeah At her worst. She's a wild bitch. She does what she wants, let me tell you. She's a fickle mistress.

Oh, she is a fickle mistress. As the feminist of the pod, I kind of take umbrage of you sort of stereotyping a woman like that. Mother nature. Yeah, I think she, you know, she goes through some stuff at some times and it's okay that she lashes out. Matt, when you invited me onto this podcast, you knew full well that I'm a raging misogynist.

Yeah, that's true. That's the only reason we invited Kirsty on. Bit of balance between me and you. We're yin and yang. Just need a bit of balance between me and you we're yin and yang just need a bit of misogyny let's get a woman hater on the show so this is my still talking he says luckily nobody fell in the sea or was caught between the singing lifeboat and the ship singing swinging um it's ridiculous that passengers should have been exposed to this kind of unnecessary danger if the trained personnel had been running things,

it would have been far less risky. So a lot of it, he's kind of pissed that this has fallen to regular people. That's not his job. Absolutely not. No, Moss was strapping in for some Jack Johnson covers. That's it. Didn't realise he'd be coordinating it. They say Taylor was a good girl, never gonna be.

That was a stirring rendition. Make your banana pay. Hey Moss, tag me in. While you're doing the boats, hand me that guitar. He played a few instruments. He had like a sax on there as well. Oh yeah. You know.

I can play all these equally poorly. I assume. Never try. Sorry, that was... Put it up. Yeah, sorry. Was that an actual fax in the room? No, no, that was me.

Jeez. He is that good. Jeez. Close your eyes, Kirstie. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah, that is... Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah on Spotify. That definitely was that time. I'm not going to be tricked twice. No, I'm sorry, Kirstie. That was all me. Sorry, gorgeous.

I didn't expect to have so much fun on such a full-on story. Yeah, we're just trying to cope. Oh, no, you must. It's a coping mechanism. Yeah, we're just trying to cope. Oh, no, you must. It's a coping mechanism. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gallows humour. That's right. By around 3am, there was one remaining lifeboat.

In a scene straight out of Titanic, the remaining officers boarded the lifeboat and ordered it to be lowered, even though it still had space for... It had about 50 people on it and it could fit 99 holy shit 49 spots they're leaving people behind these are the remaining offices yes i hate each and every one of them lorraine and moss managed to get 20 more people on before the boat was lowered but it was still left with room for more people these offices didn't take their hippocratic oath very seriously isn't it well shipocratic oath whatever it seriously. It's fucked, isn't it? Or Shipocratic Oath. Whatever it's called.

Here's something I don't understand. So there's... Shipocratic Oath. Sorry. I was thinking about something else and I missed it. I'm so sorry.

Please. Please. Edit it out. Never. Please. Please. No. If I've got to leave in

the shit about me doing a little twirl, you have to leave Shipocratic Oath. I had a clean cut and then it got referenced again. I'm like, fuck. Your darkest secret. Yeah, we keep calling back to it every 30 seconds

to make sure it stays. Go do a little twirl, Jess, you fucking idiot. Sorry, that was me that did the callback. I really got you. I got you a beauty. Well, I shouldn't have shared. That's why you should never be vulnerable. Put your walls back up, Jess. Oh, I've got to. I got you a beauty. Well, I shouldn't have shared. That's why you should never be vulnerable. Put your walls back up, Jess.

I've got to put them back up. I think it's great, Jess. And after the show, I think we should do a three-way twirl. Is that possible? Yeah, I reckon. Can you? No, you couldn't. No, but you can have a go.

I actually promised my fiancé that I'd never do a three-way twirl. I'm never going to twirl again. We'll do a three-way twirl. Never going to twirl again. Never going to twirl again. We'll do the three-way twirl on the wedding night. That's nice. That is nice. That is beautiful. Thank you.

It's good to, you know, just keep some things for you. That's right. That's right. Keep the spark alive. I've said as soon as we get married, I'll stop twirling and I'll never twirl again. Stop twirling and I'll never twirl again. So there's no lifeboats left, but there's still approximately 220 people left on the ship.

And I didn't think about that as I was writing it, but I was like, surely you have enough lifeboats for everybody. Yeah. Yeah, you have to. Absolutely. So how is there no lifeboats left but still 200 people? They've all been going without being full? Maybe. Maybe some of them already got.

Now, I'd actually prefer a bit of privacy for my partner and I on this one, please. Okay. left but still 200 people they've all been going without being full maybe maybe some now like um i'd actually prefer a bit of privacy for my partner and i'll on this one please okay we're going through something quite traumatic the boat is shipping the boat is shipping the ship is sinking i need leg room you told the story of the titanic many moons ago and that would have been before uh probably before um rules were in place. But they also, didn't they? They didn't have enough. They didn't have enough.

But they didn't have enough because they were like, it's an unsinkable ship. Like, why would we even bother with lifeboats? But in this case, surely people learnt from the Titanic, ships are very sinkable. Yeah. And so you'd have enough. That is also such a funny attitude. Yeah. Like, it's unsinkable, why would you have more life?

Like, just imagine if you like got on a flight and the pilot was like well we've actually removed all the life vests because I'm a very capable pilot and this is a robust machine. Guys I actually won't be putting on the seatbelt sign for the whole flight. Get up

have a dance. Yeah. I am that good at my job. I don't mean to brag ladies and gentlemen, but... We're cruising at 30,000 feet. I'm not sure exactly the number, but I'm confident that's about right. Anyway, the seatbelt sign won't be on today because you really can trust me. This is the uncrashable plane. As we fly over the Andes in a storm.

But there's 200 people left. The boats can take 99 each. You need like two boats and then maybe get the other 20 people on where there were gaps. You needed two more boats. So it must be that people had taken them too soon or something. Yeah. That's terrible. So Lorraine and Julian went to the bridge to, quite frankly,

see what the fuck the captain was up to. Like, we've got most people off. Let's go fucking see what this guy's up to. Yeah, see if he needs a tug. And meanwhile, Moss went back inside to assess how much water the ship was taking on. He describes the entire dining room was under about one metre of water. Floating in this were chairs, trays, linen and various plants. As the ship rolled, the entire lake would crash to one side and stay for a moment

before crashing again to the opposite side which is a very good way of describing it yeah i like it being called a lake yeah it's really sloshing about yeah the furniture was now debris and every ornament and piece of glassware was smashed i could see to the far end of the dining room and noticed that that the main entrance was wide open this door was a fire and water resistant door and should obviously be closed to slow down the flow of water i attempted to cross the room by waiting for the water to move to one side and then i would run across the shallow side i made a few attempts but the water was moving too unpredictably and i realized that i would be crushed by the furniture and glass laden

water i returned to the upper decks a bit shaken because I now knew that most of the ship was flooded. Isn't that crazy though? He's like, I'll just run across. Yeah. Trying to time it. The glass thing was the thing, the most harrowing for me. Just these wave-covered glass coming at you from across the room. Yucky.

Yeah, that's no good. Yeah, I hate cuts. Yes. Even a paper cut. Yeah. I'm like, this has ruined my fucking day. Yeah, I hate them. I'd take a glass cut over a paper cut. Yeah. I'm like, this has ruined my fucking day. Yeah, I hate them. I'd take a glass cut over a paper cut.

Yeah. I'd be impaled over a paper cut. Fucking hate them. Impaled. Are we still doing sexy euphemisms? No. Oh, that's a good one. Edit that bit out.

And yeah, this sounds like he's really the only hero on the ship. He's like... And he was the only one working there who's like, I'm going to care about everyone. Yeah, well, you've still got Lorraine who's the cruise director. Okay, so there's two. There's Lorraine and then Moss's wife, Tracy, is there. Three.

And Julian and Robin are two entertainers. There's only five heroes. And it's Robin are two entertainers. There's only five heroes. And it's pretty much them. Wow. But Julian, Tracy, Moss and Robin are all, two of them are like magicians and comedians and then you've got Moss and Tracy. Comedians on the boat.

Hey, hey, hey, how do you? Here's an idea. Why don't these highly skilled magicians make the water disappear? Fucking hell, yes. Call yourself a magic man? Prove it. Prove it. Why don't you put these massive tidal waves, pop them back in your hat?

Why don't you ward this tempest away? Fucking hell, these magicians. I reckon these guys are frauds. I reckon they're frauds as well. At a minimum, I hope they never get booked for a bloody ship ever again. But one thing that is making me feel a bit better is that we're getting this first-hand account from Moss. Yeah.

Yeah, reliable witness. And Jess hasn't said whether it's from beyond the grave or not, but I'm hoping he said all this in human living form. I never thought about that until this podcast because you would often point that out and be like, okay, well, we know this because somebody's told us. So somebody survives. That's always your thing.

You're like, I know. Which just makes me feel a little bit better. Yeah. Imagine if Moss could only speak through Jess Perkins. Yeah. And just luckily you do this podcast and so the story can get out. He was like, tell my story. And I was like, okay, write the report, bitch.

Unfortunately, Moss was like, can you please tell it not in a sexy way? Yeah, I do not want any references to sex It was his final wish And we've blown it Yeah Blown it You too You pervs

So it was interesting too Because Moss was sort of like Fairly quickly All the passengers realised That the actual personnel had fucked off. And so they were listening and like responding. They were very engaged with whatever Moss was telling them to do. They're like, okay, yep, we'll do that.

But he also mentioned that some passengers asked him to, they were like, they were missing a family member. They're like, we don't know where Louise is. And he wouldn't let anybody go back to their cabins it's like it was better to have everybody in one place so he's like i'll go look so he goes to louise's cabin and she's in there seemingly unaware of what's happening which is baffling and he writes this kind of situation should never be allowed to happen the least the captain should have done was to sound the alarm and then make a clear announcement

over the public address system if he'd done this then all the passengers should have done was to sound the alarm and then make a clear announcement over the public address system. If he'd done this, then all of the passengers could have collected their own life jackets and gone straight to the muster stations to which they were assigned. So, essentially, he's just pissed off that he has to do this or that... He's like, what's the point of the drills we did? Exactly. Yeah, like there's a literal protocol.

Yeah. And muster stations, that's exactly what they're called on the ships I work on as well. Yeah. And that's what you do. If you listen and know not to just sling yourself overboard, then what you do is you pop your life jacket on, you go to your muster station and then somebody helps you onto a boat. Yeah.

And then off you go. Muster station. I love mustard. But see, which is just a nice touch. As you go on the boat, you'll get a little sachet of mustard, I guess. Oh, no. No, you can't just get mustard. You've got to have Tommy's sauce as well.

Yeah, and you've got to have a conduit to get it into your body. There's got to be some chippies. Chippies are the ultimate conduit. Why not call it a chip station? But it's all about, because mustard is something. The hero. Yeah, the hero. It's the hero of the dish.

I cannot believe this story. It sounds like maybe the crew knew that there weren't enough boats, so they're like, we're taking these for ourselves. We're not telling anyone or something. I just think they were gormless. Each and every one of them bloody gormless. Bloody gormless and bloody gorgeous. Hey, gorgeous, you're gormless.

It's not good when you do it. Go on. It's gross. Can you do it? No, I'm busy. Hello, gorgeous. No, I'm busy, busy getting ready to do it. Getting busy.

Get busy tugging. Yeah, so he finds this person who's just like, you know, hanging out, and he's like, get your life jacket, get out of here. So the cruise director, Lorraine Betts, she was the one who'd gone to the bridge to find the captain and they found the bridge unmanned, completely abandoned. So she and Moss went back to the bridge together, grabbed the radio, taking turns calling Mayday, Mayday

until another ship answered. We made and received various calls from the ships in the area and many times they asked for information that we just didn't know. Oh my God. profile under a stairway and just crouching there smoking he wouldn't come back to the bridge he was just like another passenger waiting to be rescued never a better time for a durry isn't that ridiculous spark up on the bridge i think this is greece in the 90s i think that would have been fine yeah when i was in in i remember being at athens airport like 10 15 years ago or something and the airport was just full of, it was just that, you know, air-conditioned smoke. Yeah.

Like the whole place. I'm like, this is, and Australia had had no smoking indoors for a couple of years by that stage. Yeah. So, it was just like, whoa, this is full on. Wow. I barely remember smoking indoors. Because when was that, 2000? 2006, I think is when they., is when they banned it in Melbourne.

That's too recent. But was it like allocated areas maybe? Because I don't really remember being in pubs and stuff where people were smoking. Yeah, I remember it. I remember when I was 18 and stuff and just waking up the next morning and clothes and hair just stunk of tobacco. But it was just normal.

But going back the other way is like, whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, when you've gotten used to that sweet fresh air. Yeah. What a bad idea. So he can't be convinced to go up and at least use his knowledge to give him coordinates or anything? Exactly.

He's having a durry under the stairs, mate. I'm not having a durry. I'll be up in ten. Help us all get saved. Do the fucking bare minimum. Yeah. Exactly right. So eventually Moss got through to Captain Detmar of the Ned Lloyd Mauritius

who asked Moss his rank after Moss wasn't able to answer a few of the captain's questions. Moss replied, I'm not any rank. I'm a guitarist. Yeah. So apparently then there was a pause on the radio and then Captain Detmar was like incredibly nice and really supportive and helpful because he's like,

what's your location? And he's like, I'm on the bridge. He's like, no, like your coordinates. And he's like, I don't know. Where do I get that information? And the guy's like, who the fuck? Who am I talking to here? what's your location? And he's like, I'm on the bridge. He's like, no, like your coordinates. And he's like, I don't know. Where do I get that information? And the guy's like, who the fuck, who am I talking to here? What's your rank? And he's like, I'm the guitarist.

I'm a Scorpio, I don't know. Yeah. He explains that like the captain's fucked off. And so Captain Detmar was helpful. So because the captain, who I haven't even mentioned, his name was Janus Avranus. Oh, that's a great name. It is pretty good.

I love a rhyming name. He was refusing to come back to the bridge. Moss was running back and forth across the steep, slippery, dark deck to ask the captain questions that Moss was, of course, not qualified to answer, so he could relay the information on to rescuers. Just come to the bridge. Yeah, exactly.

Janus. Hoda dragged him. Yeah. Dragged him back up to the bridge. Yeah, exactly. Giannis. I would have dragged him. Yeah. Dragged him back up to the bridge. Get up here. I would have told the mob, which is what they would become if you told the truth here. This is the captain cowering over here. Yeah.

Let's get him to the bridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to answer the questions to answer. I reckon I would have made things better. I reckon. A mob. Handed out some pitchforks. Yeah.

Get him. Yeah, they'd either get him up onto the bridge or beat him to death. Which would you prefer, Janus? What's it going to be? The ball's in your court. So other ships couldn't get too close to the Oceanus because of the harsh conditions. So the other captain was asking... Wait, sorry, Jess.

Just quickly, what's his full name again? Janus Avranus. Janus Avranus of the Oceanus. Yeah, what's his full name again? Yiannis Avranis. Yiannis Avranis of the Oceanus. Yeah. That's it. That is so good. That is good. That's how he got the job.

That's my favourite Doctor Seuss book. He doesn't know how to captain a ship. They're just like, your name rhymes with our name. You got the job. You're hired. You're hired, gorgeous. All right, gorgeous. All right, gorgeous. All aboard. You're hired. Alright gorgeous Alright gorgeous All aboard

You're hired All aboard gorgeous That's gross All aboard gorgeous All aboard gorgeous What a job gorgeous You're hired All aboard gorgeous It's're all head All yours gorgeous

All yours gorgeous Right this way sweetheart That's very stupid You alright darling? What a job darling? Alright All gorgeous You're all head

That bridge over there all yours gorgeous this feels like one of those episodes where i'm like at least we're having fun yeah yeah like the listeners are go, what are they on? What are you laughing at? Yeah, we're just having a really nice time chuckling. Just looking at each other and chuckling. It's fun to listen to. It's contagious.

Oh, yeah. Hopefully it is, yes. Yeah, I'm sure everyone's loving it. Hopefully all the listeners are also wild-eyed and wet. If this hasn't got you wild-eyed and wet, I think, you know. You'll see a doctor. You'll see a doctor.

Yeah, the ship sailed for you. Yeah, yes. So, yeah, the other ships can't get very close. So, the other captain, Captain Detmar, was asking for an indication of how long the ship had before it was submerged. He's like, how long have you got? Like, what's our window here?

So, of course, Moss has to run back to Captain Avaranus and be like, what do you reckon? And he said, two hours, maybe three. Why isn't he going to the bridge? This is the most baffling thing of all. He said, I reckon we've got 15 to 17 ciggies. Yeah. Do with that what you will.

Yeah, I've got a couple of decks left. I reckon, yeah, once i've got through these we're done then uh then yeah we'll call it yeah yeah we'll call it so this is about 4 a.m wow they got two three hours left 4 a.m i'm hearing pitch black pitch black pretty dark around 6 30 a.m rescue choppers arrived navy divers were winced down to the deck and said that the ship was sinking faster now and they'd need to hurry and get everyone off the ship. They said they needed help to get everyone off before the ship sank and Moss was given a five-minute crash course

on how to run a helicopter airlift. Moss is up for it, though. If anyone can do it, Moss can do it. I'm surprised Moss even needed the five-minute crash course. He was like, refresh my memory. Of course I know how to do it. He's like, I actually invented the helicopter rescue, but refresh my memory.

Refresh my memory. Go on, mansplain to me. I've been under pressure for the last ten hours, so please refresh my memory. Let's fucking go. If you could sing it to me in the style of Xavier Rudd, that would be helpful. Yeah, that's how my memory works.

Yeah, anything sort of acoustic. It's the only way I learn. John Mayer, can you John Mayer it to me? Well, just as he's saying it, if you could just tap on a tambourine, that would really help you commit it to memory. What key are these instructions going to be in? C sharp.

So the helicopters, they obviously can't land on the ship. So, yeah, it's going to be lowering down harnesses, two people at a time, lifting them up. Oh, two at a time and there's 200 and something. Yeah. That's 100 trips if my math serves me correctly. Oh, my God. You are filling in Dave's role very nicely.

Yeah, so quick. You're out, Dave. I'm in. The trial has gone very well. There's a new mathemagician in town. So they decided to set up a helicopter rescue station at each end of the ship, splitting the passengers in half so that each station had about 110 people they needed

to get off the ship. Get off. Get off. In total, about five helicopters joined the rescue mission, shuttling back and forth. They could carry 12 people at a time. And this is all happening as dawn breaks as well. So they've been, yeah, they've been, it's been like,

it's nearly 12 hours. It's like 10 hours that this has been going on for them. That's way too many hours. It's too many hours. So a Navy diver and Lorraine are set up on one side and Moss and Tracy are set up on the other side. and how they sort of did it was tracy organized the passengers um so the remaining women were first and then the oldest men first and then the youngest and fittest were last and then on moss's signal she would send passengers out to him two at a time because

remember like the boat's still rocking like crazy yeah Yeah. And so, yeah, he's like, Moss has, like, tied some rope around himself and a railing to keep himself in place. Wow. And then two at a time, he gets them out, puts it on. It's really full on. That is hectic. The helicopter harness was a double unit, and this became the routine for the next five hours.

Whoa. As you're going down. Wow. Just like every passing minute would just get more and more stressful. Because you get like it's 12 people, then that chopper has to go. Another one comes. But then every time you're getting 12 people off, that's the slightly lighter weight.

Maybe this ship's starting to come up again. Yeah, that's a slightly lighter weight. Maybe this ship's starting to come up again. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, those few hundred kilos would make a real big difference. Yeah, I think it could. I reckon by the time they only had like 20 people left on the deck, the ship would just be fully restored to its previous split. It's probably even floating in the air.

It's too light now. They actually winched the remaining passengers on the ship back to land. Pretty cool. They were like, hey, guys, while we fly this ship back, feel free to just wander around. Check out the captain's quarters or something. You deserve a little treat. And Moss has found his ukulele.

his ukulele. Baby, coming down to the rib turn. Do you think, I'm not so sure about this women first then old men then the fittest men.

Surely the fittest men go first. Who is it most important to get back to society? The fit men. Oh, Matt. Or the old men. Oh, the old men. Oh, Matt. Or the old men. Oh, the old men?

Really? What do they do? Okay, so they should have quizzed everyone. Okay. They should have had the presence of mind to have quizzed everyone. And if the old men are racist or sexist or homophobic or whatever, they're out. Get rid of them. They're out onto the helicopter?

No, no, no. There's positions of power back home. They've got to wait until the end. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. But everybody gets quizzed. You're going to make moral judgments, are you, Kirsty?

Yes. That's what I'm saying. You're going to say, oh, so these men who are racist and bigots don't deserve to live as much as everyone else? Yes. That sounds a little bigoted. You're last, Kirsty. Bang. You fell for my trap.

Well done. Let me on. He's honestly got some weird opinions. Help. And to be honest, we were already going through the most useful occupations and you were a fair way down the list, I'm afraid. Well, it's interesting that Matt is having me get onto the rescue chopper last because it actually reeks of homophobia.

Oh, no. We switched back. You guys are like, you're last and second last. Neck and neck and two people go at a time. But we're fighting so hard. We're fighting. We've killed each other by the time we and second last. Neck and neck the last. And two people go at a time. So we're fighting so hard. We're fighting. We've killed each other by the time we get to land.

And everyone's like, well. They've got to pry our lifeless eggs from around each other's throats. The final decider is Twitter followers. So... All right, you edged me out on this one, Kirsty. Fine. Twitter followers. Twitter followers. Twitter followers. I go, no, you're right.

That is fair. That is the only fair way to do it. I'm getting on the rescue chopper first, Matt. I've got more Twitter followers. Society wants me more. Please don't look at Instagram. Definitely don't pry into my TikTok account. I think we should wait TikTok heavier.

I'm crunching the numbers quickly. Twitter doesn't feel as relevant these days. You two are both going down the ship. So, meanwhile, Julian, one of the other entertainers and a Navy diver, then got into the last inflatable dinghy so that they would be in the water close to the ship in case they dropped any passengers into the sea. Whoa.

So you've got rescue operations happening on either side. And then you've got a Navy diver in Julian who's a magician. Like hanging about. A magician who hasn't been able to make the flood water disappear. I'm starting to think he's an illusionist. And the illusion is that he's magic. I think he's a bit of a delusionist. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? Hey, you know what's just disappeared? Your credibility, mate. But he is doing something quite brave. Make that reappear, I dare you. He is doing something quite brave. Yeah, no, he sounds like a legend. No, we understand that, Jess.

They saved a few people, actually. Hey, we're not taking that away from him, but... His magic is bullshit. He didn't make the storm disappear. He didn't make the storm disappear. That's so funny. As the other rescue station on the other side finished getting everyone off the ship,

Lorraine and the people helping her joined Julian in the dinghy. So it was essentially like all that was left to get the rest of the crew off the ship was this little rubber dinghy. So that was because I was assuming there were no more vessels at all. But there was one last very backup plan rubber dinghy. Yeah. I guess I would think it wouldn't last that long. And obviously couldn't get 200 and something.

Exactly right. People on it. So this is from Moss again. With the deck so steep and the ship rolling about, at least 10 or 12 passengers slipped and fell as I tried to attach the harness to them. Each time I would slide down the deck with the rope around my waist and pull them up.

Oh, my gosh. Because it's so steep. Moss is such a hero. Moss is insane. One of the great badasses we've ever talked about on this show. I love this guy. And this is almost, I think this might be my favorite part because it's very funny. Well, I'm already starting to fancy him, so.

He's pretty great. Is this the bit on the Titanic where it goes really vertical and someone falls and goes, ding? Which everybody finds funny. Yeah. But it's actually really sad. It's so sad. It's pretty funny. But it is pretty funny.

It's really, Like, okay. Jesse, it's pretty funny. No, Jesse's giving me the worst look. You're like, no. I thought I'm like, nah, shut up. It's funny. That was like proper year eight science teacher disappointed in me vibes then. You were like, I know that what you're about to say is rubbish.

You were like, do you really need to say it? Kirsty? Yes, I do. All right. Go on. All right. All I wanted to say is. You've got the class's attention.

Share with everybody, please. How funny would you find it if you were the one falling off? I wouldn't find it particularly funny. That's all I wanted to say. Probably because my spine would snap and I'd be instantly dead. Yeah. So that's all I wanted to say. So maybe just have a think like that next time

before you start chuckling away. Laugh it up right into your grave. Your wet grave. Your wild-eyed and wet grave. I guess the ocean is a wet grave. Yeah, it's David Jones' locker. Yeah, it's the wettest of graves. It's the wettest.

So, sorry. Anyway, what were you saying before I gave you a lecture in not being a piece of shit? I'm actually just water isn't wet. What it touches is wet. Well, you're insufferable. Anyway, I had a fun bit to share with you, but now I'm not sure that I want to.

No, please do. Please do. No, I don't know. Please do, gorgeous. Okay. Oh, go on, gorgeous. Yes. Lost our fucking minds so this is a little bit of classic moss this will make you love him and tracy so he says at one point i was trying to catch the swinging harness being lowered

and it snagged on the side of the ship there was immediate danger of the rolling ship and high winds causing the line to jerk tight and pull the chopper down before the wind chopper could free it without really thinking i jumped over the railing and hung across the side of the ship to free the harness i then crawled quickly back it was over in a flash however the real danger now came my wife saw what i had done and ran across the deck to yell at me. The real danger came. He just jumped off a boat to release the witch so it didn't bring a chopper down with it, climbed back over and then he's like,

oh, no, I'm in trouble. Here comes Tracy. She looks mad. I read her account as well and she was like, I saw red. Oh, really? Was it a good thing or a bad thing? It was a good thing what he'd done. I read her account as well And she was like I saw red Oh really She wasn't But was it a good thing Or a bad thing

It was a good thing What he'd done And she later Like she was like He totally Yeah but she loves him Yeah So she's like

What the fuck are you doing He was putting himself in danger Exactly Yeah Yeah right She's like if you If something happens to you We're all fucked

Because you're the one helping You know But it was also just She just cared It was like Don't do something so stupid Yeah I reckon she was just sad because she loves him. Yeah.

And to be fair, so do I. Yeah, so do I. I'd be livid if I thought that Moss was putting himself in harm's way. If they're up for it, I would do a three-way twist with them. Three-way twirl. Matt, I can say with great authority, they are not up for it. And stop calling. There was a few things in that little, I know you wanted to say it,

so I didn't interrupt, but there was a jerk. There was swinging harness, which also felt a bit sex dungeon-y. Oh, my gosh, he's going back. He's doing a list. Yeah. I just know there's people at home yelling at their iPods going, why didn't he mention this? They missed it.

They just missed the horniest section of the whole show. Listeners, we did not miss it. No, we did not miss it. We were being oddly respectful for once. So it's pretty, yeah. I just found that kind of funny Yeah that is funny The real danger was my wife

My wife But yeah But It's also good to remember That that is always The biggest danger Yeah Yeah big time

Oh apart from the mother-in-law If you do something Am I right? If you do something dangerous I'll kill you That's me It had a slight 90s vibe to me You know Yeah Just be like The real danger My wife I'll kill you. It had a slight 90s vibe to me, you know?

Yeah. Just be like, the real danger, my wife. Yeah, the old ball and chain. Take my wife. No, really. But she wrote later, she's like, what he did was totally the right thing. And, you know, he saved the day. But I was, just for a flash, she was like, what the fuck?

Just put, you're a guitarist but I was just for a flash. She was like, what the fuck? Just put it. You're a guitarist. You don't jump off ships. Eventually, we were almost finished. This is more still. When the helicopter crew signaled me to count up how many were left. There were 12 male passengers, Robin in the bridge, myself and Tracy, the only female left. That made a total of 15.

The chopper signaled to hold on and then left. So they've just coordinated an entire rescue operation with zero experience and now they're the last ones left on the ship and they're just stuck waiting right so there's two and two more choppers would do it i think so yeah yeah because then you've also got the people in the dinghy right so the dinghy's not gonna like make it all the way back but the um uh the chopper will winch them up as well. So a couple more choppers will come back. But after about 45 minutes, the chopper returned. 45 minutes they were there waiting.

Oh my God. But it couldn't pick them up from where they were, so they had to slip and climb carefully to the other side. Whoa. Which was like really hard and very scary. And they finally made it to the rear deck. Finally, the last of the passengers were off and it was their turn. They were hoisted into a helicopter and it was all over.

Holy shit. Did everyone survive? Yes. Holy fuck. That's so good. That is so good. 581 people on board. Wow, wow, wow.

That's amazing. Literally thanks to Moss. Holy shit. The guitarist. Yeah. And no thanks to the captain or the magicians who didn't make the floodwaters recede. Okay, you helped some people onto a helicopter. Could have helped a little sooner.

Okay? Yeah. And the whole crew. I'm seeing criminal charges coming. Correct. Criminal charges? Criminal. Oh, my God.

Got him. Oh, my God. Got him. Oh, my God. Whoa. That's good. Holy shit. Oh, my God. That is good stuff. Wow, wow, wow.

Criminal charges. I don't know what to do with that. That is something. Okay, there must be a gas leak in here or something. Crew man old. That is, holy fucking hell. Whoa. You are filling Dave's role so well.

He's the pun master. And I don't think I've ever seen a pun master quite so hard. Yeah. That pun was your bitch. That's like, that's a Herald Sun headline. Yeah, criminal charges. Criminal charges. You guys take your time.

I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm dizzy. Now you get it. Now I get it. It's easy. It's easy to get dizzy. It's easy to get dizzy. So the Oceanus, the ship, sank approximately 45 minutes

after the last person was airlifted from the deck, which is a little too close, isn't it? Yeah, that's one more trip. Yeah, in shipwreck terms, that is too tight. That is too tight. So they were really lucky. And yes, 581 people on board, all were rescued, not a single death. Wow.

Which is amazing. Captain Avranis claimed that he left the ship first in order to arrange for a rescue effort. Oh, my gosh. And then supervised it from a helicopter. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. That's so embarrassing. What do you mean?

I left to get help. He's like gaslighting them. But didn't he not leave first anyway? No, he didn't. But he left the ship. He wasn't last. Yeah. Wow.

He's like, oh, well, I had to get to the police station. I trust you'll understand. Sorry, I just remembered I've got an appointment. Oh, was that today? I have to go. Normally, I would definitely hang around. I love those sort of scenarios. This is where my best comes out. Oh, what. Normally, I would definitely hang around. I love this sort of scenario. This is where my best comes out.

Oh, what a day. What a day for it to happen. Just the timing. This is such a shame. So, according to the International Herald Tribune, Avranes said he had known when he left the ship that there were 170 passengers and crew still aboard, but this was the only way to ensure the safety of all those aboard,

him leaving. Furthermore, after checking the situation from the shore, he said he flew back to the ship on a helicopter intending to go back on board, but the weather was so bad that the helicopter crew advised against boarding. I wanted to, but the helicopter guy was like, nah, you can't.

Yeah, and also the ship was in pretty bad... Yeah, it was very wet. The ship was like... It you can't. Yeah, and also like the ship was in pretty bad. Yeah, it was very wet. Like the ship was like, it looked really bad. Yeah, it did. It didn't look very safe. Yeah. So the helicopter guy was like, nah, that ship doesn't look great. And I was like, no, no, no, but like I have to go.

I have to be a hero. I'm going. Yeah, I really want to help everyone. Nah, bro, I'm flying away. I want to preserve life. Yeah, and my girlfriend who I made out with, she was going to be here too, but she is at a school at a different country. She's in Canada.

She's real. Yeah, no, she's real. She actually is really hot. No, I don't have a photo right now because she's actually sensitive to the light so she can't do flash photography. Insatiable sexual appetite she is a wild cat apparently she's just got a regular libido but when she sees me just this animal instinct kicks in and yeah just inside anyway sorry to get off track but insatiable

sexual appetite she loves my big dick um but. Sorry, I was talking about this ship. But yeah, somehow it's just the perfect bigness. So, yeah. Sorry, I was talking about the rescue. Sorry. Sorry. It's just like both long and thick. Sorry, sorry. What are you talking about?

Anyway, I was trying to get back onto the ship. This is another, this is a great quote from him. He was quoting the New York Times as saying, the ship this is another this is a great quote from him um he was quoted in the new york times as saying when i give the order abandon ship it doesn't matter what time i leave abandonment is for everybody if somebody if some people want to stay they could stay that's incredible abandon ship you know that's your choice it's an option i would like a T-shirt with abandonment if for everybody. Yeah, is that good? Abandonment's for everybody.

Captain included, I get to abandon ship. It's for everyone. But he never said abandon ship. No, he didn't. When people asked, they were like, no, nothing's wrong. Nothing's wrong. He did say abandon ship, but he didn't put that on the PA or make it clear to any passengers. He opened up the cupboard in the any passengers He opened up the cupboard

Like in the bridge He opened up the cupboard and went Abandon ship Yeah Well I've announced it He did say it He definitely said it He never said that he publicly said it

He never said he said it to anybody else That's true He said it in his mind Yep And I think that's fine I think that's alright Why is he under the microscope for that? I think he seems cool.

Yeah. Having thoughts is the same as saying stuff anyway. Yeah, I reckon too. It's as good as. It's exactly the same thing. It's not better. What's the difference? No difference.

This is great as well. According to Robin Boltman, one of the entertainers, who had stayed on the bridge and assisted with the rescue, said, Later in the morning, Captain Avranis even contacted me from shore to ask how things were going. Yeah, I don't know how, but I could hear that he was drinking a martini. I could hear steel drums and cocktail shakers in the background.

I could hear him having a mojito. I could hear the little umbrella in his drink. And those knots in his shoulders were really being worked out by someone else's hands. He was relaxing with every stroke. Wow. Hooah. Hooah. Thanks for that stroke, gorgeous.

Stop it. It's not funny when you do it It's gross Sorry gorgeous Just a little bit of vomit The wedding only had a tiny bit of vomit Let's not go on about it Matt's English accent only had a tiny bit of vomit. Let's not go on about it. Oh, no. Matt's English accent only induced a little bit of vomit.

Just a little. You've got to expect some vomit at weddings and podcasts. You've got to expect a little bit of vomit, gorgeous. Oh, there it is. In her mouth and swallowed. Reached my limit with you. Okay, that's enough. Now we're both in trouble, Kirsty.

Kirsty's not in trouble. How come you wrote me in with you? You were before. I didn't realise you were out of trouble again. No, I've come good. I've come good. Back in the good books. Yeah.

I'll sit in the naughty corner. Yeah. Matt, you guessed at this before. In 1992, the captain and five other officers were convicted of negligence by a Greek board of inquiry for fleeing the ship without helping the passengers. But he was never incarcerated, and I'm pretty sure he remained a captain for the rest of his career. Oh, my God.

Imagine getting on his ship. Imagine hiring him. I know. Imagine being like the crew under him. You'd be like, this fucking guy. Well, it seems like a lot of them bailed too, so maybe they'd be like, yeah, he rules. So what would the, if you were reporting on that in a newspaper,

that story, what would you headline it, Kirsty? Story like that. Oh, I don't know. Maybe something along the lines of criminal charges have been laid. That is good. No, incursion. Chess have been laid. Oh, my God, that is good. No, it is.

It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. If you don't get a call from the Herald Sun this week, I will be very surprised.

Yeah, yeah. Do you think this is my big break? Yeah, I think this could be. Yeah. Sub-editor? Yeah. Is that who does the headlines? Yeah.

I'm excited. I'd love that job. Oh, you'd be a great sub. You'd be great at it. Yeah. Like, as long as I'm mostly in charge of, like, nautical. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, obviously, with your experience and background,

you'd be the nautical sub-editor. Naughty. Naughty nautical. The cruise ship comedian. With that killer pun about criminal charges. I think they'd still allow you to do your two gigs a year as well. I think that's the flexibility that a sub-editor can expect. Well, that's the flexibility that I'm looking for.

So that works out very well for me. So, yeah, just nautical stuff most. Like nautical crimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be my wheelhouse, I think. So you've got one pun. Yeah, I've got one. I've got one pun to wheel out fortnightly.

Your nom de plume would be Naughty Gal. Naughty Gal, the nautical subbie. Nope. Nope, absolutely not. No, no, I'm pretty sure. So a lot of what I've read from Moss today is from his website where he published his official statement of the events um which he wrote less than a month after the event so the memories are still pretty fresh for him and one of the most heart-wrenching parts was this he said when tracy

and i were alone on the bridge we discussed what to do when the ship actually went under we'd stick together and tie some extra life jackets together and make something to cling to we said over and over that we were glad that our 15 year old daughter amber and her 14 year old cousin shane had got off in durban a few days before if they'd been aboard we may have acted very differently of course yeah but they were just yeah and that was another reason why tracy was mad at him for doing something dangerous. She was like, you're a father. Like, you can't – both parents are coming home. Did you do it to save lives?

Yeah, yeah. But it was just in the moment. She was just protective. Yeah. I get that. Yeah, she was like, I don't want to do school drop-off. And pick-up. And pick-up.

And kids at boarding school, she was like, oh, God, twice a year I've got to drop her off. You're going to make me do that alone. That's so funny. Fuck, I've got to make lunches. Moss, you bastard. She's going to start going out with her friends soon. I'll be dropping her off in town.

And I've got to pick her up at 4 a.m. Some team. soon. I'll be dropping her off in town. And I'm going to pick her up at 4am. Some team. You're not much use in Davy Jones' locker, are you, Moss? He finishes by writing, my constant worry was that I had secured the harness incorrectly around

passengers. Before Gary left me alone was that I had secured the harness incorrectly around passengers. Before Gary left me alone, he said to make sure the harness strap was high under the arms and not low in the back. If it was too low, then the force of the chopper could break or damage the spine. No pressure. I know. This coupled with the fact that so many passengers slipped and fell and others struck the railing as they were hoisted aloft made me worried about the injury rate of the people I was rescuing.

When our chopper finally landed and people swarmed around to thank us, I saw that everyone looked okay and I was overcome with emotion. Oh, good news. Then I really felt like it was over and I just hoped that everybody was off and my friends and fellow staff

who had been on board were safe because they don't even know that they've got everybody off. Yeah. Got everybody off. But they don't even know that they've got everybody off yeah got everybody off but they had isn't that crazy this episode is like a carry-on film carry on the cruise this is why we need d now? He's pretty silly. He's into the innuendo.

Back on dry land, Moss was put on a drip because he was severely dehydrated. Remember that they'd played until dawn the day before and he just stayed up the whole time and just the adrenaline coursing through. He was just completely exhausted. So they put him on a drip, but he was fine. Everyone was okay. According to an article on the BBC, Moss and Tracy, who now live in liverpool continued working as cruise ship entertainers for many years even now three decades later tracy

prefers not to talk about the sinking or dwell on how close they all came to losing their lives but moss who's been asked about the oceanus many many times finds it cathartic to talk about he looks back on what happened with great relief i'm not invincible moss says but if i can get through that i can get through anything and according to the website oceanasinking.com which is looks like it's his website tracy is a jewelry designer now and moss still works on ships and he is now a cruise director oh wow so you'd feel pretty comfortable being on his ship i'm gonna say quite the opposite of the captain. Yeah. You'd be stoked to have him on board.

Totally. And I forgot to mention at the very start, this was suggested by Heidi Douglas from Brisbane. And I don't have it with me or in front of me, but the way that Heidi sold the story was like, a group of musicians save a sinking ship. And I was like, I'm listening. Yeah, yeah.

So a great pitch there, Heidi, and thank you for suggesting it. Heidi, I am so sorry about what we did to the episode. I know you wanted a compelling story, but we mostly talked about sex stuff. Urgh. Urgh. Sex. But, yeah, that's the story of the sinking of the MTS Oceanus

Fabulous story and well told I'm so stoked that it ended up with a happy ending I know Happy ending I know Jeez Louise I don't think I could have done it if it was like And everyone died

Yeah, yeah, yeah Well, it would have also like just made that episode in remarkably poor taste Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Well, it would have also like just made that episode in remarkably poor taste Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah I mean, that's happened in the past It has We don't know where our story is going Jess and I are going off on some It's quite recently we were having a great time fucking about

And it ended up being a massacre episode And we did not know But people listening see the title of the topic. Yes. So they know a lot of people are about to get killed and we're just like, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, a bit too light. But, yeah, this one was safe to have some fun because everyone's okay. Yeah.

You're real risk takers, aren't you? Yeah. Really rolling the dice. We're the bad boys of podcasting. Thanks so much for joining us this week, Kirstie. It was my pleasure. I had such a fun time. If people wanted to, and I'm not promising they do,

but if they did want to find you, where could they find you? They absolutely do want to find me. So my address is... I do that every week. How can people find you at my house? 17. Yes, go on. My website has

my upcoming live shows mailing list on it, kirstiewebeck.com. I am on every social media platform. I even joined TikTok recently. That one could really use a little boost, please, listeners. Get around my TikTok. Kirsty Webeck on every platform.

I'm really fun to hang out with online. So fun. And in person, if I can be so bold. Hey, you too. I had a really fun time. Thank you so much for having me. Next time we'll do it on Zoom and I'll turn my camera off. Dave, I'm so sorry for stealing your gig,

but you won't be needed anymore. Sorry, gorgeous. Thanks so much, Kirsty. Thanks, legends. And that brings us to everyone's favourite part of the show, the fact, quote or question. And, yes, it's Jess here alone again to do this special part of the show the fact quote or question and yes it's jess here alone again um to do this a special part of the show um look that episode went for like two hours we'd recorded another

three hour episode earlier that day so um you know we didn't have a lot of steam left in the tank do you put steam in a tank anyway there was nothing left for us to do these Patreons. Matt said, hey, should we do it? I said, nah, do it later. And now is later. So a pleasure to be here with you. As you know, if you've joined us before on Do Go On, this is the part of the show where we get to thank a bunch of people who support us over on patreon.com forward slash do

go on pod or at do go on pod.com you can also uh support us there as well so uh without further ado it's essentially just me saying shut up jess uh first and foremost what we like to do is a little section called fact quote or question and it has a jingle that goes a little something like this. Fact, quote, or question. Ding. I always remember the ding. And in this section of the show, people who support us on the Sydney Sheinberg Deluxe Memorial Rest in Peace level get to submit a fact, a quote, quote a question it can be a brag it can be um a suggestion it can be a recipe it can be anything you want it to be this is open for you uh and our first fact quota question comes from dan marshall dan has given themselves the title of tonight's guest which i love that dan very fun energy there and dan has given us a fact

Dan. Very fun energy there. And Dan has given us a fact. Dan says, hi crew. My fact is related to the wonderful Peaking to Paris report, in particular, the Mottori-Contal motorcycle tricycle slash car. If I've said that wrong, it's because I wasn't on that episode. So you can't be mad at me. Although I think, I don't know if it's come out yet or not but uh that you might hear a little bit more about that story very very soon a little bit of sizzle there for you um back to dan's fact the front seat for the navigator was so dangerous the cantal factory gave it a special name, Le Toubel Mère, which means the kill your mother-in-law seat. That is bleak. And Dan says, as a less grim fact, my old boss actually did the 2007 Peaking to Paris in a 1951 Riley.

Cool, which by chance is also the same car my uncle bought and completed a ground up restoration on during the melbourne lockdowns what is that's very cool your old boss 2007 wow still doing it there crazy that's very cool dan thank you so much for that fact our next fact quote or question comes from eleanor lacey sloan and Eleanor's given themselves the title Director of Hopefully Feeling Better Soon. Oh, okay. Does that hint at what Eleanor's fact-torture question is going to be about?

Let's find out. Eleanor has given us a question. It says, hi, guys. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and I'm really down about it. Eleanor, it does seem like your title was foreshadowing. I found that listening to old episodes of Do Go On really helps by distracting me and making me laugh, so thank you for that.

My question is, what else do you suggest to help me get over it slash feel better? Sorry to use the fact to quote a question, it's free therapy. Never apologize for using it as free therapy. It's not free. You are a contributor to our Patreon, and we appreciate you. Getting over a breakup, let me tell you.

Laughter, good call, yes. Distraction. Focus on you. It's all the wanky cliche shit, but it's true. Spend more time with your friends. Keep yourself really busy. And unfortunately the best remedy for it is just time. It will get easier every day. Um, sometimes it doesn't feel like it's getting easier every day, but it will. And, um, like try,

try new things, try stuff that you haven't, um, given yourself the space to explore. And don't get your head out of the gutter if you chuckled at that, you child. No, but like, you know, try new things and go to new places. And, you know, you can do the classic drastic haircut or a new outfit. Do all that stuff. Spend a lot more time with your friends and they will distract you and make you feel better. And I'm sorry, but he's probably a dick. He might've been nice. I don't know. However you feel, I feel that as well. So if you're like right person, wrong time, then I'm, I'm there with you. If you're like, he's a piece of shit,

then I fucking hate that guy and I'll kill him. So whatever, whatever your feelings are, I'm mirroring that to you. Uh, our next fact quarter question comes from Colin Wright. Colin's given himself the title senior inspector of honesty in all landlady slash tenant interactions. Oh my God. It killed me in that episode. how many times lying to a landlady really let uh ethel down ethel whatever uh colin's given us a fact colin says i'm always fascinated to find out the people i assumed died forever ago were actually alive surprisingly recently for example my distant relative orville wright one of the Wright brothers who helped invent heavier than air flight. So you're saying your distant relative is Orville Wright, one of the Wright brothers. Are you not then related to both? Anyway, maybe you'll explain. And Neil, first man on the moon,

Armstrong were alive at the same time for 18 years armstrong was born in 1930 and all the right didn't come to an end as all good things must until 1948 you might have mentioned that fact in either your apollo 11 episode or your episode on the race on the right brothers but i thought it was really interesting and pending jess's approval maybe even a little fun so the the thing that is fascinating to you is that some people that are quite famous in history were alive not that long ago. I get that. I've also just realized again that your surname is right. But yeah, how are you related to one of them? I understand, like, you know, maybe like a great-grandfather or an uncle or something, but, like, the other one's right there, you know?

You're basically related to both, I'm going to call that. That's very cool. I honestly don't know if that's a fun fact. Nah, I'll say it's a fun fact. Good stuff. And finally, for fact, quote, or question, Sophie Shooter has given Sophie, given herself the title Group Mum. If you want pudding, you need to finish your veggies.

I love that, Sophie. And we love your Group Mum energy. You love to organize the Patreons into all sorts of fun and wonderful things. So thank you. And Sophie has gone for a brag, but says, actually, I'm starting a new heading. Confession. I work in a kitchen of a supermarket feeding the staff. um and sophie has gone for a brag but says actually i'm starting a new heading confession i work in a kitchen of a supermarket feeding the staff i'm often asked to make a cake for a special occasion but my days are already busy so i use box mixes a lot of the time just mix it

up with some eggs milk and oil and whack it in the oven it's so much quicker yeah 100 in my defense i decorate all the cakes as well, as well as I can, but I do feel bad when people compliment me on the sponge. Nah, don't feel bad about that. You absolutely should not feel bad about that. It is outside of your job description. You are busy. You got a lot on cooking, especially like cooking in bulk like that, very time consuming. So then you're just adding a cake willy nilly. I mean, why did they invent packet mixers if not for convenience? And that's exactly what you need in this instance, Sophie. So you don't have to feel bad about that. And you're decorating them. That's the impressive part. sometimes when you have like really fancy looking cake the cake

itself is a bit shit so what's more important is the cake is edible and delicious and then cherry on top you've actually you've decorated and made it pretty no you're absolutely nailing it don't don't even think about feeling guilty about that. And thank you for your confession. This is a safe place. And similar to Eleanor, I've gone too hard, I think, and I've just immediately gone a bit nuts in supporting you. So thank you, Sophie. And also thank you to Colin, Eleanor, and Dan. Now, the next thing we like to do is shout out to a bunch of people who support us is a shout out to a bunch of people who support us over on patreon.com and yeah one of the benefits you can you can get what do you do with a benefit get is we will read out your name and thank you and we like to play a little bit of a game with this one I was thinking because we I mean god we

had a few pretty wild riffs through there but what I was thinking, cause we, um, I mean, God, we had a few pretty wild riffs through there. Um, but what I was thinking we could do is, uh, what song you would play on a guitar at a house party. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to look up acoustic or acoustic, chill, acoustic hits. I'm looking at playlists on Spotify. Let's go Acoustic Hits. Yeah, okay, there's enough in here. I'm going to go for Acoustic Hits. It's a Spotify playlist, so you know it's good. It's got 3.7 million likes.

That's bonkers. Anyway, so I'll be assigning you a song that there's a guitar at a house party. We're all at a house party together. There's a guitar there. And one by one, you're going, oh, is this a guitar? I might play a little ditty, but not in an insufferable way. Like everybody's loving it.

They're loving having a sing along. So without further ado first and foremost i would love to thank from deep within the fortress of the moles that's right location unknown i would love to thank peter mcwhirter oh that's good peter mcwhirter whirter mcwhirter oh shit that's good's good stuff. All right. Well, Peter's up first and straight away taken one of the big ones. So a few people, a few other people at the party groaned because they were like, that's what I was going to do. But Peter has pulled out Home by Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros. And it's probably a good one to start with because a good um sing-along ability you know what i mean

like everybody else is like ah yes and they sort of they're jumping in there they're doing the the chorus and yeah i think i think you've nailed that peter so thank you not only for your support and for listening but also for your acoustic hit uh i would also love to thank from Vancouver in Canada Neil McLean. Oh, another good name. What is it with you people and you fantastic names? Neil McLean's come in, landslide

Dixie Chicks or now just the Chicks. And bloody brings the house down. It's a real good one. Again, good sing song ability. Sing along ability. And bloody brings the house down. It's a real good one. Again, good sing-song ability. Sing-along ability. So loving that.

Thank you so much. Neil from Colorado Springs in the U.S. That is my boyfriend's work phone ringing. It's going to ring for a while. I'm just going to go decline that and put it on silent will I edit any of that out? absolutely not from Colorado Springs in the US I would love to thank

Aiden Luter Aiden Luter that's good Luter, that's good. Aiden has gone for George Ezra, Budapest. A fun song. And again, I would argue pretty fun to sing along to if you're me and you like that song. So thank you, Aiden. A great energy you're bringing to the party.

From Lewisham in the ACT Canberra Australia I would love to thank Rebecca Warnes Rebecca Warnes you not to take her song which is better together by Jack Johnson um nobody does it better than Rebecca so she's like don't even fucking think about I'll kill'll kill you. That's my song. And everybody at this party knows it. Sorry to bring the tone down, but I'm sick of people stealing my song. And some people at the party are like, God, this Rebecca, I don't know her that well. And this energy is crazy. And then Rebecca sings Better Together by Jack Johnson. And everyone's like, I get it. I get it. And I, yep, I support it. So thank you,

Rebecca Warnes. From Noble Park in Victoria, I would love to thank Rochelle. Great name. Beautiful. It's got some nice sounds in it. I like the shell part. Oh, beautiful. And Rochelle coming in, just scrolling down a little bit. Oh, of course, Ho-He from the Lumineers. Another one, very easy to sing along to. If there's a ukulele at this party as well, I'm jumping in. I can play that one on ukulele. So can I? I haven't played in like three years. Ah, it's like riding a bike. So Rochelle, pulling that one out. Everybody's having a good sing. It's really, it's quite beautiful. I gotta say, it's really nice. Next, another one from deep within the fortress of the moles location unknown. I would love to thank Brandon Teal. Teal is a fantastic surname. I like that

so much. Another, uh, ukulele kind of hit Riptide Vance Joy, which actually the other day I saw a TikTok that was like um here's a bunch of one hit wonders you never you you forgot about and Riptide from Vance Joy was on there and I was like I don't know if it's because I or I'm in Australia or I work in radio and I play Vance Joy all the time but I know I wouldn't say one hit wonder so I am interested if you're in like the UK or the US if are you getting new Vance Joy music it's arguably a lot of the same but it's good if you're not getting it bloody I mean Vance needs to chat to some of his people anyway got it got defensive there on behalf of a probably quite wealthy white man so who cares he's fine anyway i would also love to thank from lanook lanook lanook lanook in new

south wales i would love to thank acacia livock livock Livock. Bloody hell, what a name. Okay, Acacia, you are, of course, covering. I'm just having a little scroll through here. A lot of Mumford & Son on this list. A lot of Mumford & Son. Oh, Cannonball from Damien Rice. Again, bringing the tone down a tiny bit, but bloody beautiful. So good call on that one.

And thank you for that. From, what is this? Telfaner. There's Telfaner. There's going to be some sort of local way to say that. It's from Texas. Leroy Hines. Leroy Hines coming in.

John Mayer, Your body is a wonderland uh and everyone's sort of like but again leroy's rendition brings a whole new life and vitality to the song they're like actually this this fucking slaps this is great thank you leroy they say that's what they'll say, Leroy. So you just back yourself. And finally, I would love to thank from Southampton in Great Britain, Amy Butler. And Amy is coming in and covering. I chose one and then I've decided to scroll past it to see if I could do better. And I don't think I

can. Amy, you are covering Coldplay's Yellow. Obviously not everybody's favorite Coldplay song. Some of us love The Scientist, but a beautiful track, a timeless piece. So great choice there, Amy. Thank you to Amy, Leroy, Acacia, Brandon, Rochelle, Rebecca, Aiden, Neil, and Peter. You absolute legends. And finally, the only other thing I need to do is check to see if there's anybody being inducted into the TripDitch Club this week. And there is, there's a few. So all right, let's see how we go with this.

So what this is, the TripDitch Club, I like to think of it as like a very cool, exclusive airport lounge, right? So like once you're in, you're stuck there forever, but it's got everything you need. We've got food, we've got a bar, we've got little sleeping pods you can have a nap in. We've got, yeah, basketball courts. There's all sorts of recreational activities you'll want for nothing while you're there. And once you've supported the podcast for three consecutive years, you are welcomed into the club with open arms, I'm behind the bar. So, but I was going to do like a cocktail, right? Where there was like, essentially there was a little ship.

I would put a ship in every cocktail and it would sink. And it felt a bit insensitive. But Oceana. So everything is ocean colored. I got a lot of blue cocktails. Are they good? Not really. No. But it was too late for me to cancel the Tower of Sushi, of all things,

that is positioned in such a way that it's it's a it's half of a ship it's sort of sticking out of the table like it's sinking um and again it does feel a bit on the nose but nobody died on this ship sinking um and i am going to need you to start eating because it's sushi so it's it's going to go a bit gross so get on to that thank you so much and uh dave is always uh the one in charge of booking a band um what i have done is i have uh booked joey badass who's gonna play uh his uh absolute hit cruise. So that'll be good. And I've actually requested he doesn't play anything else. Just plays Cruise Control.

So I hope you like that song. Now to bring in a few of our wonderful, esteemed new attendees to the TripDitch Club, I would love to thank from isaac in washington i feel like i've heard that said before and it wasn't how i just said it but anyway i would love to thank david shields and he'll shield you from bad times and provide only good times thank you david shields from new plymouth in new zealand it's melissa peters and the party peters out until melissa arrives and she brings back and gives us everybody a second wind from packenham in victoria i would love to thank josh and we're packing them in tonight the dance floor is thumping.

It is at full capacity. Everyone wanted to be here because Josh is here. From Lancaster in Kentucky, I'm guessing. In the U.S. KY. It's got to be Kentucky, right? She stops to Google and ruins all of her momentum. Kentucky. Never doubt yourself, Jess, you beautiful bitch. I would love to thank Justin Nichols.

Only nickels and dimes here. That's all you need because Justin's got the cold hard cash. Oh, man, I'm bad at these. From Stanmore in New South Wales, I would love to thank Matt Rowe. Rowe, Rowe, Rowe, straight into my arms. Matt, it's been a long time. Haven't seen you, buddy. Park your canoe over there and help yourself to a blue drink and some sushi.

And finally, from Grimsby in Great Britain, I would love to thank Conker. Conker. Well, you're going to conquer the dance floor tonight, my friend. Absolutely. You're doing the robot. You're twerking. And it is working. We're having a great time.

So thank you so much, Conker, Matt, Justin, Josh, Melissa, and David. And I think that's about all we have to do. I've got to say I've done this in record time. Normally this takes ages. But even, you know, we didn't even have, we had one question today. Often it's the fact quote or question. It's the question part that derails us because we love to give thoughtful responses. But with just one of us here, there's a little less thought,

you know, I'm still thinking about it, but otherwise there'd be two other people think, you know what I mean? So anyway, yes, record time. Very pleased with that. Remember that anybody can suggest a topic. There's a link in the show notes. There's a link on our website where you can suggest a topic. So if you're like browsing through TikTok and you see something that's kind of interesting, or you stumble upon a documentary and you think it's a great story, let us know about it. And there's always a, there's an option to like, if you've read a really interesting article, you can just copy and paste that link into the resources. And that's a great place for us to start so yeah you can absolutely do that um you

can buy merch over on our website as well um hopefully have some new stuff coming up there in the next few months and until very soon um we will say we love you and we will say thank you and goodbye ladies bye Bye, lighters. Bye. Uber Eats. Get almost almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth.

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