Do Go On - 357 - Princess Diana; The People's Princess

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

This week we are joined by the very funny Dee Fidge, who gives us a comprehensive (read; long) look into the life of the People's Princess, Diana. Or, Diana, as Matt calls her.Follow Dee on Twitter and InstagramSupport the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: dogoonpod.com or patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/suggest-a-topic/ Check out our new merch! : https://do-go-on-podcast.creator-spring.com/ Stream our 300th episode with extra quiz (and 16 other episodes with bonus content): https://sospresents.com/authors/dogoonCheck out our AACTA nominated web series: http://bit.ly/DGOWebSeries​ Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader Thomas Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serengy Amarna 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. Hello and welcome to Do Go On. My name is Matt Stewart and I'm joined as always by the very, very good co-host, second banana. Jess Perkins, welcome, Jess. Matt, what a pleasure to be here as always.

Playing second banana to your number one banana? I'm not number one banana, no. Our guest this week will be number one banana. Jess, who have we got in the mystery seat? We have got for the very first time. and after many cursed attempts to get this person on the podcast, we have the incredibly funny, amazing writer, Dee Fidge. Thank you so much for having me.

What an absolute pleasure to have you. Such a pleasure to finally be here and to be first banana. Yeah, number one. It's a big deal. It's a big day for me. Yeah, actually, I always wanted to be a banana. So here I am. And you've gone straight to number one as well.

Straight to the top. And it's not even like 10 a.m. And this is your day already. I'm ready to go. Wild, isn't it? So exciting. It's good. Yeah, a little, I did mention that we've, this episode's been a little bit cursed before it's even happened.

So cursed. Because we've tried, what do we reckon, five, six times? Yeah. Probably. We've each had COVID. Yeah, everyone's had COVID. On one of the times we were due to do it. Yep.

There was lockdowns as well, I think. Did we start trying last year? Yes. It was literally last year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so funny. That's a. It was like eight months we've been trying on and off.

Yeah, because I had just moved into my new place, so it was like, yeah, eight, nine months ago. Wow. Quite honestly, if I was in your position and a podcast I'd been invited to come on for nothing, for like there's no benefit to me at all, and it gets cancelled like six times, I wouldn't, I would have given up. Just to confirm, so I'm not getting paid for this. No, no, no, nobody is. Interesting. No, we can talk about that.

I'm banana. though. I'm number one banana. Okay, we can pay you in bananas. Real ones or metaphorical ones? Ah, what would you prefer? Metaphorical. Yeah, okay, great. Absolutely, I can... Big bag of fantasy bananas. I can absolutely arrange that.

That's not offensive to pay a banana with bananas. You're okay with that? Oh, friends. Yeah, okay. Paying you in friends. Yeah, I'm not going to eat them. No, no, no. They'll just move in with you. I'm going to move in with me.

Well, I hope her new place is pretty big. Check it out, guys. You got a lot. You bananas come in this day. I picture you in living in the fruit bowl at home. Oh, that's nice. Yes. My entire house is just a bowl.

Big bowl. Pretty lonely in there at times. Yeah, I bet it would be. Pretty hard to get out of sometimes, I would imagine as well. It is a struggle. No arms, no legs. Just slipping around in there. It's flopping about.

Be fun if you're a skateboarding banana. Oh, yeah. That'd be sick. Well, I didn't know. I just was wondering if you could or you couldn't. I can't. Sorry to find out this. way.

So why? It's embarrassing. It's not the kind of thing that you just assume you'd be good at. You've tried and failed. Do I look like someone who'd be good at skateboarding? Yes. Really? Yeah, I reckon.

That is such a compliment. Yeah. You look like someone who'd be good at skateboarding. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, great. Skateboard energy is, that is a compliment. I would love to, I don't think I have skateboarding. That's the best bit of being a skateboarder.

You're wearing skate shoes right now. That's so true. I was just thinking that too. I'm wearing vans. Yeah, that's true. Maybe I could skate. Maybe I could skate. Yeah, I assume you could.

Wow. Matt, do you want to explain to new listeners how this show works? Sure. The way it works is one of the three of us, in this case D, goes away and research as a topic and then brings back that new knowledge in the form of a kind of an old school report and then delivers it like an oral presentation to the other two, in this case, Jess and I. And we sit politely and listen and don't interrupt and do not go on tedious riffs and tangents. Absolutely not.

Yeah. Because we pay the report, give it too much respect, if anything. Maybe today that stops. Do you reckon? Yeah, we've given them too much respect for too long. Okay. I might try a little tediousness today. You never interrupted before on the show.

So maybe today you can be, today's the day, interject. Normally we just sit quietly. It's weird that we even bother with the microphones. It's weird that you guys are even there normally. Yeah, it's true. It's really more of a moral support thing, I think. All three of us feel a bit silly sitting in a round. room alone. So the others just said, I'm usually on my phone, playing Tetris.

Yeah, great moral support. You know, when you look up and you're, you're telling, you're just telling your life story and the person you're saying to is on Tetris. Yeah. To be fair, it's a great game. It is a great game. It's a really good game. Good for your brain. Just keeping my brain fresh forever. Yeah, that is a fresh brain. Forever. And normally the topic's been suggested by a listener. I'll look it up because we, know what this topic is. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. You definitely do. I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not. No, no. We do. We do. And normally, there's a question to get on the topic. I don't know if you've got a question because we know the answer anyway, so I don't know if it would

really be necessary. What question are we posing? Well, not like, say, if the topic was that water bottle, for instance. I'm pretty good at imagination. And the question might be, which famous green makes water bottles. I see. I see, I see, I love this. Because it says Frank Green. I don't know if he's famous or not. Well, I mean, pretty famous for making the water bottles.

Yeah, that one in particular. And I got a little coffee cup next to it. And I've got two other Frank Greens at home. I've got too many Frank Greens. I saw someone describe Frank Green as being something a basic person would have on Twitter yesterday. 100%. I am a basic person. bitch and I think and we've talked about this I'm sure I had no idea but no but the like the idea

of the things that people say are basic are just popular things and it's usually that they're good it's like avocado on toast so basic yeah it's fucking delicious you're kidding me yeah and frank green great quality products great quality of keep your coffee hot and your water cold what more do you fucking want in your life you miserable fuck yeah I'm a basic bitch sue me I think you're an angry bitch and angry. It can be both. Yeah, I can be anything I want to be.

Were you looking up to see who has suggested this topic? Oh, thank you for reminding me why I opened this. So I know who suggested the topic. Oh, great. Is it you? It was me. Oh, that's right. That's how this all started.

Yeah. You message saying, oh, it'd be great if someone, if you did an episode on this topic. And I legit was not trying to say, put me on the podcast. Yeah, yeah. I should give you a little preamble. So during lockdown, I like went and listened to all of your guys back, catalog and I swear it saved my sanity. Wow.

Like I obviously went insane as we all do, but not on account of your podcast. Yeah. But I had been listening so much and I was like, this is great. They should do one on Diana and I suggested it and now here I am. That's the first time I think that's happened when someone suggested a topic and then done the topic. Yeah, that's true. But people have suggested this as well as you.

D, we've got Kayla Hodkowitz suggested it. Kayla from Tom's River in New Jersey. New Jersey. Alex P. from West Palm Beach, Florida. Oh, great. Thank you. She's big in America, apparently, Die.

Rachel Johnson from Melbourne. Thank you, Rachel. Who else? We got here. Zoe also from Melbourne. Geez, Princess Dyer's big in Melbourne. Yeah. Well, there's three fans minimum that we've got there.

Don's. Ronald from Sydney, Australia. Don's Ronald. Is that a name or the name of a shop? I think that. That's great. Unless the shop suggested it, I think that's the name of a person. I wish my name was Don's Ronald.

Don's Ronald. Don's Ronald. Let's say it again. Don's. Don's, though. Don's. Not Don's. Plural.

Don's. Maybe there's two of them. Got to be. That's right. The plural of Don Roberts is Don's Robert. Is that just so known? I've forgotten. Ronald's.

I got so focused on the don's. Disdracting. Crazy. Dean Walker from Lester in England. Who else have we got? Eric Kroes from Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Eric Kroles.

Nailing pronunciations. Nathan from Leiden in the Netherlands. Geez, a lot of people suggested her. Yeah, quite a popular topic and story. Kiarra or Chiarra Gifford from Perth. Because I hadn't, normally I would have this all lined up. Sorry, I'm searching. He's live searching in a dock.

Paul from Melbourne, there's now four of you. Oh my God, we can form a gang. Yeah, start a club. How do you say that again? Is that Sean? Kean. Keyen. Jeez, well done.

Did you look at the Google search I just made? No, no, no. Oh, wow. That came up and you said it. I'm like, that was so fucking smooth. Kean Griffin from Cork in Ireland. Sorry, Dee, this won't go for much longer. I love this personally.

I feel like I'm learning a lot about names. And you're just finding people who have similar interests to you. So that's nice. Yeah, I'm finding new friends. Yeah. And finally, Hussein Mertie from Belgium. Okay. So I got it.

National requests. I love it. Yeah. So the topic is, of course, Princess Dye. You might know her as Princess Diana. Yes. Or Diane. Or Diane is that said.

I forgot her name. Looking forward to hearing about Princess Diane. She's like a grouse Sheila. It didn't sound quite right. I couldn't put my finger on why. Diane. It's not her name, is it? No, that's why it didn't sound right, because he said the wrong name.

Oh, the wrong name. Is it because, like, does your mum get called die? Yeah. And so then maybe you're just associating like Princess Die. Die is just linked to Diane for you. Do you call your mum Princess Die? I do, yes. You should say nice.

That's nice. I call her Princess Die. I will be asking. my kids to call me Princess Dye. None of this mum bullshit. You can call me Princess Die or get out. You pay me the respect I deserve as a Princess die. As a Princess, thank you very much.

All right, Dee. I'm very excited. Princess D. Princess D, take it away. Thank you so much for saying that. I was waiting for someone to call me Princess and no start it. So great. I wanted to start by asking what each of you would say your relationship is.

You obviously, Matt, have never heard of this one until today. No, she's my mom. Oh, yeah, I'm actually doing a report about your mom. Yeah. When I say Princess Di, it's your mind. But, like, are you guys fans, not a fan, don't know anything? Oh, I think I know, like, I think I know a fair bit, bits and pieces. Yeah, I watched The Crown.

It was fair. I know the bits he was on in that. Which are the films? But I forgot. That was accurate as well, by the way, may I just say? That's good to know. That's good to know, actually, yeah. I remember where I was the day she died.

What do you? Yeah, at home. Okay, okay. But I, because I remember the Saints beat Port Adelaide that day to finish on top of the ladder. Right. So it was a real day of mixed emotions for you. No, no, I was all positive. Well, because I was mainly thinking about the footy.

I didn't, I don't think I understood, but you know how, like I, at that point, didn't know that when a celebrity died, I guess I was too young to realize how much it meant. Because even looking back now, like, I don't remember anything being that big when someone died. How old were you, do you, like, at the time? Well, I was in my hundreds, canonically. Yeah, canonicalically, he was a really old man. So I'd say, 300 and, you know, teens, 300 and 13. 313 or something?

Yeah, difficult to remember much when you... Yeah, well, no, I was 313, yeah. 313. Yeah. I think I was about seven. Yeah, I was eight. Yeah, okay, yeah. So that's where I'm beginning the report with...

At the death. My experience of remembering. I, too, remember the day. You were watching the footy. I was watching the footy. With you. We were both together. Yeah.

You didn't mention that. Yeah, yeah. No, I thought I didn't want to steal your thunder. No, so I was... So I grew up in Canada. So I don't know about like the time difference situation thing there, but it was the evening. It was about 7 p.m.

I was 8 years old, and my sister and I were watching TV while our parents had gone for a quick walk. That's cool you get the footie over in Canada. It's pretty good. Yeah, my mom's Australian, so she had it, I don't know, the streamed. Yeah, she probably had the international past. Yeah, yeah. So my sister and I'm watching TV, and a breaking news announcement came.

I remember feeling really shock. and for the first time in my eight years of life felt a sickening sense of unease one that we now know with pandemics and 9-11 let's bring up all the tragedies that have happened in our lifetime what about the Martin Square shooting that was pretty bad wasn't it yeah let's not do too much drama uh in this podcast despite what I just said I love how I just said that I was too young to to really understand

and you're you're like I was younger than that And I felt, I understood. I understood. I felt a sickening sense of unease. It was a weird, big feeling. For me, I think because she was always on newspapers, right? At the time. And so, like, I just knew her as this celebrity. And I remember bursting open the front door when mom and dad were coming up the driveway.

And as they were walking up to the driveway, me and my sister were standing there in our pajamas screaming, Princess Diana is dead. We just wanted to go for a quick. walk. And just a few months later, my parents divorced. Wow. Another tragedy. Oh my God.

Do you think the two were connected? Just kidding. They should have separated. It was the right thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah, similar to Charles and Dyer. Simple. 100%.

So similar. Yeah. Probably aren't really drawn to this story. Do you think that's why they were discussing on the walk? Probably. Yeah. If the walks were a new thing. Diana.

Yeah. They're like, how good is it that she's alive? That's the one thing keeping us together. Yeah. It's really going to keep this marriage together. Our love for the much alive and full of life, Princess Die. She would not be more alive. No.

Yeah. And then bang. Oh, wow. Yeah, that'll break a couple. So, look, a lot of people only really know about the tragedies of her life or the fact that she is dead. So I wanted to go through the story, obviously, about her life. Famously dead. She is famously dead.

Yeah, I think it's one of those ones where you know how sometimes people mention a celebrity and you go, they alive? I don't know. You know it was Princess No question. Famously dead. Famously dead. I'm always saying that to myself. And famously with short hair.

Do you remember that? She was a real trendsetter with the hair. Don't ask me, do I remember anything about Princess's time? Because you definitely do or definitely don't? She was a trend setter. Oh, yeah. Very stylish. I had a few aunties who definitely got on that trend.

So she always, she reminded me of an auntie. Yeah, big time. But like a cool, a very cool, great thing. She had the bike shorts. Yeah. How cool her bike shorts? She was cool. Yeah.

She's always ready to jump on a bike. She was always ready to go cycle away. And she would like, she would like break royal protocol and like touch starving children. On the elbow? Wow. Wow. Yeah. People were like, whoa, you're incredible.

Wow. Treated someone like a human. The royal's like, we don't, we don't do that. We don't do that. That's against protocol. Yeah. Do not treat them like humans. Don't treat them like humans.

How do you? You're above them. If you're touching them, touch them. Touch them with your boot. With your boot? Could be the toe of your boot or the soul of your boot. They would prefer the soul, I think. Stomping?

Yeah. You have a stomp and a touch, really. I was going for a very flat kick. That's because you're wearing skate shoes. That's right. I'm a skater girl. You're always ready to skate. You're probably more like a kick flip.

Yeah, that's it. That's what I'm thinking. So most of the material for this report slash novel comes from the Andrew Morton book, Diana, her true story, in her own words. Jeez, geez, that's a bit personal, isn't it? Drop in the princess. He obviously knew her pretty well.

Yeah, they were mates. Honestly, be formal in book form. Oh, I see. Give her the title she deserves. Well, I guess you could argue that by then she didn't want to be referred to as a princess. I'm on first name basis. I don't even have to call her a princess. All right, Mr. Mann.

But it's in her own words. Andrew Morton. Andrew Morton. It's in her own words. You think she's walking around saying, hello, I'm Princess Diana. She actually famously said a few times, call me Diana.

Don't call me Princess Diana. You know, like... I remember her saying, call me Diane. Call me Diane. I remember saying, call me Mum. Matt, stop calling me Princess Diana. Am I thinking of the right person still? No.

So this book, the abridged version, which I own because I'm very normal, contains transcripts from these like, ongoing interviews that she had with him and also that he had with her friends secretly and all of these conversations and films and stuff were like smuggled out of the palace. Wow. So when the book first came out. In someone's butt.

Oh my God. Yeah. That's not mentioned, but that's the only way to smuggle things out. Holy shit. Yeah. That is wild. Whoa. There's a lot of people with huge assholes in brief.

Palace is full of huge assholes. Yeah, that's how you get a job in there. Geez, you got a big cavity? Let's see what you got. That's the only interview. You got the job. Let's see how many things you can bring into the interview. Show us your resume.

Please take a seat. Don't worry, I brought my own. That took you a second to get. We're talking about shoving some up your eyes. I know. It's because you left me. I was thinking like, they're like, can we see your resume? And they pull out an iPad.

But you've gone straight to chair. A chair, yeah. Why not? Why not? Why not? Hey. Yeah, you're there to impress. You've got to be your best off in an interview.

Yeah, what kind of chair are we talking like maybe an ottoman or, yeah, not some sort of fold-out chair. No, I don't know. That's not going to get you the gig. A plastic rickety fold in the camera chair. I want to be comfortable. How dare you? No. Okay.

I like that. It makes sense that it is interviews with him. I thought, yeah. Because if it's called in his own words, in her own words. Well, if it was called in his own words, then yes. That would be insane. Diana, in his own words, mine. Diana.

It's in mine. In my honest opinion. He's just even going like, I reckon she's pretty good. It's just a bunch of him being like, oh, I reckon this. I reckon that. But it is like, it is, I will get serious at points here and I can't not. Sorry. But it is the closest thing we have to like an autobiography.

because she never wrote one and she was like famously silenced and stuff. So the book is the basis of a lot of stuff like the season of the crown and a few recent films that have been made and stuff about her. So that's sort of what I've gone on. Yeah, cool. I do need you to know this is a very abridged version. It's a very shortened version because my original report, because I wrote it like nine months ago, was also when I was like in insane lockdown mode and I went to town.

Yeah. Like, my original report was 16,000 words. Whoa, okay. I googled word counts of famous books because I thought maybe I had written one. Have I written a famous book? Yeah, I got really excited. Better double check. But it turns out 15,000 words isn't actually a lot in terms of like.

So Animal Farm by George Orwell. Yes. 30,000. Okay. And that doesn't feel like a really thick book. You wrote half an Orwell. I wrote half of like a communist horse. You could, so if you released it, you could have called it Diana by Andrew Murphett by D in my own words.

Yeah, that's good. I would definitely say Andrew Murphet in his, my own, her words. Yeah. That's what I would call it. That's good stuff. Because I don't know if there are any publishers listening, maybe a penguin or a puffin. A penguin or a puffin? Yeah.

Just the animals. The animals, yeah. Yeah. Or whoever works for the publisher. corporation um okay so you started with 15 16000 words um luckily you are a writer by trade um am and and have edited that i mean you've brought you've brought that you've brought that down you're like please tell me no i hope you don't have to see here all day i'm really comfortable i hope you haven't edited at all i hope you've edited i've added i've edited in terms of adding stuff

perfect yeah that's what i was hoping for no i did i did try to whittle it down but i cannot promise that this will not be long. That's okay. Where can people find your writing, by the way? Defidge.com? Forward slash Diana. Yeah. Oh, fuck.

I need a website or something. People often say, where do I find your work? And I'm like, I'm uncomfortable. And then I just walk away. If anyone listening as a web designer or a penguin or a puffin, please get in touch. Get in touch. Get in touch.

Even just follow D on Twitter's. Yeah, it's a real tree. De-figgled. Yeah, figled. Or just Figgled. Yeah, it's just Figgled. I've added the D. I'm sorry, too formal.

It's too formal. D Figgled's my mum's name. Call me Figgled. Call me at Figgled. Call me at Figgled. I'm going to have a go at not interrupting for a bit and just let you go. Oh, I like it. I'm going to try and edit this intro down because we normally, like Jess would have

finished some of her reports by this stage. We haven't even let you start it. That's my problem though. I need to get better at being like shut the fuck up and let me talk about this. wonderful woman. Yeah, that's the joy of being the report given. And I'm not good at that. So, again, I apologize.

It's not being more aggressive. Hey, you have our permission to tell us to shut the fuck up. Even that is like giving me a cold shiver. Yeah, that's stressful. Being mean. Okay. Sorry, this is our first time interrupting. Stop talking.

Stop talking. So I don't know how to. Jess, I did not give you permission to tell me to shut up. Okay, well, I'm saying it. Okay. Say the words, O'D. I feel like we're going to, okay, I feel like I'm, okay, I feel like I'm, Starting again.

We're starting at the start. The year, 1961. The month's... Oh, Matt. That's your first warning. How many do I get? I've had a sip of coffee.

You get a million warnings because it's me and I'm very passive and cowardly. The month is July. And the day, Numero Uno. Oh. On the 1st of July, 1961, Diana Francis Spencer was born. DFCC. DFS.

DFS. Not bad. Who knows what Zodiac sign that makes her. Start of July. I'm going to guess... Well, I know it's not Libran, because that's what I am. I'm a Libra too. We balance each other out.

We're so balanced and bad with money, but so nice. I think it's too early for Leo? Or is it Leo? No, Leo's later. Scorpion. But it's between Gemini and Leo. Oh, Pisces. Should I just say it?

Yeah, probably, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she was a cancer. Cancer, got it. Their traits, I don't even believe in horoscopes. Their traits are loyal, sensitive, compassionate, sociable, lover of the arts. Wow. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

So there's no negatives for cancers. I'm sure there are. Well, I mean, they're crabs. Yeah, I mean, got one big hand. Yeah. That's a fairly obvious negative. Yeah. Claw for a hand.

Yeah. Okay. Try and hold a cup. Can't do it. It's very complicated being friends with a crab. Yeah. I imagine. But the rest.

This is positive. All good. Loyal. They're loyal. Exoskeleton. They're big hands. Okay. So Diana came from a very noble family, lots of money, elite circles.

Her parents, Francis and John, had a lot of money. And good standing in elite circles. When she was born, it was a time when the main purpose of a woman was to give birth to a son. Okay. That was in the 1960s. In like this weird social circle stuff as well. Like they had that big history of being sheep farmers since the 1500s and stuff. So it was like, we need men to carry on the sheep.

Women can't do sheep. And I can say that as a feminist, but women can't, they just can't herd sheep. Famously, we can't. Babe, the pig, he was a little boy. He was a boy pig. You know, we can't do it. We can't. I'm so glad to hear that she had such.

such an underdog upbringing because we all know her as the people's princess. Because she was an outsider. She was just an... Anyone could have been her as long as they were from a family of rich sheep. Rich sheep. Rich sheep. Rich sheep. Who that sheep in that top hat.

Oh. That is a fancy sheep. He's got a monocle. Oh my God. I'm intimidated by that sheep. Great. Another group of people I have to be intimidated by rich sheep. Yeah, perfect.

Oh, it looks like it's wearing pure Marino wool. I guess the reason I'm giving a little bit of her background about her upbringing is for obvious reasons. Like it says a lot about who she was and childhood is obviously important to all of us. So for background, Diana's mom gives birth to two daughters. So Diana has two older sisters. How furious would everyone have been? Exactly. And then, this is sad, they have a son, but he dies almost immediately after childbirth.

And again, being in the 60s, he is just whisked away from Francis, and she doesn't even get to hold him or find out how he died. It's just horrible time. Awful. So there's a lot of trauma that no one talks about because British. And that wasn't to be cruel. They obviously thought that that was for the best somehow? I, yeah, I think it was the, we don't want to upset her or something.

Yeah, yeah. Let's not talk about it. Yeah, just everything under the rug, like, not even acknowledging. So she just goes home without a bit. It's just, yeah. So grim. It's really, really grim. She eventually becomes pregnant again.

And that is when Diana is born. Another girl. Yeah. Shit. Well, for real, her parents hadn't even thought of a girl's name. So she didn't have a name for a full week. That's why her middle name's Francis. Yeah, they were so desperate.

They were like, uh, Francis? I was surprised they didn't call her sheep. Like, yeah, it just, it says a lot of. about entering the world and just feeling like a disappointment. Yeah. And your family just didn't really want you. Like they didn't even think of a name for a week. She was just, I guess, baby.

Baby. Where's the baby? I got a like a hand-me-down name because my parents when they had my older brother were so sure he was a girl. So they had a name picked out for him and then they had him and were like, oh, we have to think of a name for a boy. Then seven years later they had me and like, we'll just use that name again. It's still like that. Ready to go.

Just use that. I'm like, okay. Well, no, it just means that you were the one they wanted all along. True. Yeah, they never wanted my brother. No. Yeah, and he's the disappointment. Yeah.

Do they tell him that all the time? Absolutely not. He's the golden child. But that's their guilt talking. Yeah, they're overconfident. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. He just built the house they live in.

But I can write little jokes. You sure can. And you can skateboard. And I can skateboard and they're like, look at her go. He was just a boy, but you're a girl who could have a boy. And isn't that in some ways? It's even more valuable. Exactly.

I could have a boy. Boy machine. Yeah. A creator. Oh, boys. I make boys. I make boys. That's good out of context.

So Dyer's mum by the stage has had three girls. Yep. If this was a different time and her husband was Harold or whatever his name, Henry the 8th or whatever, I think she might have been offed. Beheaded. Yeah. Probably. Yeah. Big old disappointment.

The opposite is my nightmare, though. Just having like three or four teenage boys. That's a nightmare. Oh, because they'd be so big. And how do you push them out? That would be brutal. Ouch. Imagine giving birth to three teenage boys at once.

At once. Insane. Yeah, they're all feet coming out at the same time. Picture it. That's a nightmare. And you're hiding with each other all the way out. You skip the stage where they think you're the best. They're just straightaway teenagers.

They're like, fuck off, mom. Can you drive me to the shops? And it's like, oh. You're like, I've got so many stitches. Like, can you drive me? Yeah, imagine, and like, all the wounds and how they'd be full of, like, lynx Africa, which would just, like, stink on the way out and they'd stink. Yeah.

So much Lynx Africa, but they still stink so bad. Well, that mix of B-O and Africa. Yeah, because they refuse to shower. Yeah, we all know that smell very well. Yeah. I never smelt it. I just dealt it. So you were the cause of it.

Okay, I use the different links, because I was pretty cool. Everyone used Africa, but I used Accelerate. And it's defunct now. You probably haven't heard of it, but. I definitely, I genuinely haven't. That's good. I'm going to find it. It was the superior scent.

Oh, okay. So. All right. So, this is me interrupting you. Yeah, good job. Yes, this is you interrupting us. Well done. That's the right way to frame it for sure.

I'm just so scared that we're going to be. for six hours. You're going to hate me? So basically, yeah, in interviews, Diana said, early memories from her childhood are basically of being treated like you should have been a boy. We didn't really want you. A couple of years later, though, Francis does give birth to a son. So his name is Charles, which could get confusing because she later marries Prince Charles.

So for context, if we ever need to refer to brother Charles, let's say brother Charles. Okay, great. Thank you. So she grows up. in this massive mansion in the country. It has like 10 bedrooms, lots of staff. She has a super privilege upbringing. The underdog, people's princess.

Yeah, underdog. She's just like us. But you know what was missing in the house? More boys. Love. Oh. That was good, Dee. That was good.

Thank you. I wrote it nine months ago. That's also not completely true. She got really well with their siblings. When you've got a small amount of love in such a big house, it's diluted in the space as well. It's like having a little heater in a big mansion.

Like you're not many people going to feel it. I don't know how you came to that analogy as we sit in this huge room with a small heater, but I like it. That I actively pointed to. And that I cannot feel the heat from. You can come sit next to me if you want by the way. No, it's fine.

Thanks. I'm fine. Talk about emotional. So, yes. She got on really well their siblings. It's just her parents did that classic upper class. British thing of being really formal and cold and emotionally neglectful while just like spending heaps of money on education.

Why have kids? You had to. I don't know. It simply wasn't acceptable to not have them. Well, you needed... Something about sheep? Who's going to take over the sheep company? That's kind of...

The sheep company? Yeah. The sheep mill. Yeah. Who's taking over the sheep mill? I don't even know if they ended up doing that. I should have researched that. I don't think Princess Dye did.

She certainly didn't. No. No. Never saw a photo of her with a lamb. But maybe brother Charles. As was his birthright. Yeah, I imagine he got whatever he wanted. Probably all the cool toys and stuff.

He was the only boy. Then they would have so much pressure on him to take everything over. Yeah, the babies are insufferable. The absolute worst. Little attention seekers. The princess die of middle child syndrome. Pretty much. Yeah.

Pretty much actually. So it was in a really rural area, hence the sheep stuff and her older sisters because there was an age gap they go to boarding school so for most of her childhood it's just diana and her younger brother charles kicking about in this empty mansion devoid of love uh their mom francis becomes quite depressed and her parents fight a lot um and her mom ends up moving to london and they separate and she's like see yeah and gets an apartment and dates and goes to cool parties and stuff. I love it.

But also, meanwhile, these kids aren't really getting, like, parenting. You're just thinking, like, yeah, she's, like, ditched to the zero. She's getting with a hero. She did a job. She birthed a boy. It's true, and I can sort of relate to that because she was 18. Diana's mom was 18 when she got married, right? And she's meant to just churn out these kids, which she's done.

And she's like, I'm exhausted. I want to have an actual life. So her mom moves to London. and actually starts dating this cool artsy guy who is described in multiple accounts as bohemian, which I feel back then maybe just meant like he owned a purple hat. Yeah, big time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or was gay.

Like, we don't really know what that means in this context. Yeah. He was somewhat open-minded and people like, oh, how very bohemian. Yes, he attended a gallery once. Yeah, and everyone's like, okay. Was not overtly racist. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's the bar.

pretty low for Bohemia. I think, yeah. He might have been from Bohemia. Oh, yeah? Maybe, yes, I've misinterpreted that completely. Yeah. That's on me. Yeah.

I will own that and issue a long apology via the notes app of my phone. Perfect. Thank you. If you could do that in your own words. In his, her own words. Okay, so at some stage, Diana's mom says, actually, no, I want the kids. So they're moving to London. Sick.

Diana sticks and her whole life gets kind of uprooted but becomes a bit more normal. They're living in an apartment in the city. She gets the train to school, get some friends. But after a year, Diana's dad sues for sole custody and wins. So she's yanked back to the countryside to be in this empty mansion without her mom. No, but he wanted the kids so badly that he went to court that I'm sure he's going to be a doading father from now on. Family court dads are famously amazing. If he really fought for the kids, then obviously he's just going to,

he's probably going to quit sheep work. I mean, like, why else would you do it? Just out of spite for your ex-wife? I certainly, I can't see any way that would be the case. It would just be because you miss your children so much and you think they should spend all of their time with me and never see their bitch mum again. Yeah.

Exactly. You know? Always be like calling her a bitch mom. Yeah, exactly. That's basically what he did. Well, because otherwise if you don't let a, know, they might try and have a relationship with her. And that's not on.

You got to make sure... Make sure the kids know that their mum's a bitch. Yeah. And what she did to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Embarrassed me. Yeah, humiliated. Yeah, in society.

Maybe get all your other divorced dad friends around and get your wives together. Yeah. Just so the kids understand. Yeah. Especially the girls. So they don't make the same mistakes. Exactly. And you can show them that you're cool now because you've got your car, your beds,

No car. Picturing... Millhouse's dead. No, I got it. I got it. A fun side note that I enjoy is that Diana never liked any of her nannies. Okay. And she used to play little pranks on them, which I think is fun.

So she used to leave little pin cushions on their chairs and, like, chase them out of the house. So she just kind of had this revolving door of nannies. Did the pin cushions have pins in them? Otherwise, that doesn't feel like a very good prank. I assume they did. But also, it's a really funny prank otherwise. It's like, oh, you put this little cushion on my chair. The cushion's too small for you.

It's made for pins. Yes, it's too small. You look like a fool. That's not for bottom. You're embarrassed. The nanny's screaming. Depending on the person, they might sit on that and swallow it a hole, you know? Yeah, that's right.

Knowing the English. We know about the English buttholes. Okay, Jesus, I need to move fast. Okay. I'm trying to skim through some of this form an instrument. I'll start biting my tongue more. You don't skim. Yeah, finish that coffee, Matt.

That'll occupy your mouth for a little bit and certainly won't have any other consequences. Did you just skull that and then put it down instantly? No, certainly not. Okay, so basically it sounds like neither of her parents really knew what it meant to be a parent, unfortunately. Like, not judgment, but they didn't really nurture these kids. Possibly from that was passed down from their parents. Oh yeah, big time, big time intergenerational sheep farming parenting style. Her parents would compete for her attention, but not actually give her attention.

They would compete with money. So, for example, one time they threw a party together and each of them separately gave Diana a dress to wear. And they said, you have to choose which dress you're going to wear. Like, how fucked is that? She's like eight. That's fucked. Yeah. That is awful.

She's got to wear two dresses. Yeah. The colours clash. Yeah. Blue and green should never be seen. What are they doing to her? If it was an Amanda Bynes movie though, right? What she would do is look at herself in the mirror and scrunch up her face a little bit,

take some scissors to it, combine the two dresses to make an even better dress. Oh, fantastic. Or if she was Mrs. Doubtfire, she would keep changing and saying, I'll be right back going changing and saying a day. She's also doing different voices for no reason. Yeah, like she's still talking. Hello. Hello there, Pop-Bos.

Yeah. So anyway, just a weird dynamic for a kid to grow up in. Yeah, very thought. As a child of divorce, I understand what a play. It's so funny to imagine the parents, like, competing for her attention as well. It's so strange. It's so embarrassing for them. Yeah.

Like that they are not humiliated by that kind of behavior. It's mortifying. What are you doing? I'm going to do a little play. Come and watch. I've rehearsed a dance for the new Spice Girl's song. She's like, what's a spice guy? So during meals, like we were saying about the dad wanting sole custody, he ate separately

in a dining room in the big dining hall and Diana and her brother and whichever nanny she hadn't tortured, they would all sit together in a room. So like they didn't even have family bonding time. Insane. Her dad threw a big birthday party for her, which was more to show off. Like there were no other kids there. It was just his mates drinking. He also arranged camels to be there, like a bunch of camels,

but no one was allowed to ride them? I mean... So just like have a look at some camels. I'm not sure he knows... I don't know if he knows how to show off. No. You're doing it wrong, mate. It all sucks.

Maybe this is how you show off back then in rural England in the 60s. Check it out. Hey, fellas, check it out. Look at them camels. Don't touch it. Don't touch them. Don't even think about riding. it. But just know that I got them here. Oh, P.S. It's my daughter's birthday. Yeah. Let's get

slashed. Yeah, pretty much. That's so impressive. Rich people are insane. Yeah. I actually wrote that several times. Long and the short of it, she grew up emotionally neglected. She was with a divorced dad for a few years and then like her older sisters went off to boarding school. And she, I guess you could say, thrives in this environment. She gets really involved. She joins an insane amount of sporting things, swimming, dancing, acting, netball. Like a lot of people, she says she felt like an outsider at school, but people who actually went to school with her were like, no, she was great. Like, we loved her.

She wasn't the popular girl, but she wasn't bullied. She was just really nice by all accounts. Oh, classic cancer. Is that right? Yeah, yeah, big time. Classic cancer. Oh, yeah, classic cancer. Yeah, absolutely.

As she gets a bit older, she wants to start volunteering. And so she volunteers at a hospital when she's a teenager, which not really many other people her age were doing, especially rich people. And the staff were like, she was great and warm and just genuinely loved connecting with people. It didn't seem to be like an ego thing or anything like that. And that's the kind of thing that you would, like,

people wouldn't lie about that, right? Normally people would love an opportunity to be like, yeah, she was here, but she was actually a real bitch. Yeah, and she volunteered mainly in like the aged, like the aged care wards and like not the fun. I don't know. She wasn't Patch Adams, you know? Yeah.

Like she, you know, it's for people. That's smart. Then the people that you've helped look after, they die. Nobody can tell you, tell what you're actually like. Maybe she was horrible. Yeah. Who cares? Don't make you doubt Diana.

They're long dead. She could have been awful to them. She would not. Could have stealing their wallets or something. Those old people in the 80s are now dead. Big time. Yes. Super dead.

Don't. Stop. Don't. Don't spoil the rest of it. She was probably incredible. That's what the nurses say. She said she was great, so that's what it was. I'd much prefer to hang out with old people than kids at, like, a hospital or whatever.

If I was on volunteering, old people are great. I love hanging out with old people. Yeah, you get to hear their stories and stuff. Yeah, they're so cool. What about the shoddy, racist ones, though? Yeah, I think that... That would be a struggle. I'd avoid them, I think.

Yeah, I reckon if you hear old people, there's two. things that come to you, two types of people. I think of the lovely old people. Yeah. If I think of old people, I think they're all lovely. But you're right. There are, like any other age. There's also awful old people. Yeah. Yeah, like they're just people, Matt. They're just people. That's so interesting. I didn't think we were going to, I was going to get such insight today, but you're all going to, you're already very old. Yes. I think I'm the oldest person on record. That's why you're describing everyone is lovely. Yeah, that's true. Because they're all kids to me.

Yeah, exactly. They're cute, adorable little 80-year-olds. Yeah. So cute. Yeah, I certainly wouldn't get into politics with some. Or any of them. I don't get into politics with most people. I think if I was volunteering at a hospital, I wouldn't really mention politics.

No, that's true. So who you're voting for? That's not only my opener when I'm volunteering at a hospital. Just some active debating. Who you got? Mine would be, what's the flavour of jelly today? You know, just keep it light. Keep it light.

Yes, I love that. Yeah. I'd be like, you know how they make jelly? Boiling hooves and bones. Yeah, what flavor of hooves and bones are you having? Strawberry. So this is why you're not allowed to volunteer at a hospital, that's what I'm hearing a lot from this side of the room. They gave me quite a few chances.

Too many, some would say. Anyway, right, despite doing well academically and socially, Diana did not get the grades. Her sister did, and she did fine, though, but she developed. a weird complex about this and would always call herself dumb. Like even in media interviews, there's a lot of footage of her being really self-deprecating about her intelligence and saying like, oh, I did warn you. That's the thing I did warn you. I can't do an accent.

But she says things like, oh, I'm as thick as a plank. Oh. Which is like a funny thing to say. But also like you don't have to talk down to yourself, girl. Yeah. Dee. Dee, a little bit of irony there as you. just said you can't do an accent talking down yourself when you nailed the accent oh my god thank

you maybe i can do accent you definitely can that was fantastic i think maybe you need to take a little bit of your own advice whoa whoa wow yeah this is now the princess d so around this time when she's finishing high school uh diana's dad gets remarried to a woman named and this sounds like a fake name McCorker Cale. First name, rain. Rain. McCorker Cale. There's a lot of C's and a lot of Cues.

Okay. That's a fantastic name. But it really did sound like you were making it up. In real time. This all sounds made up. I know. This will sound made up, guys. But believe me for sure.

That is a bonkers name. But what's weird is they get married without telling the kids. Cool. Or inviting them, of course, to any wedding. Because why would you want there to be any emotional connection? No, my children shouldn't be at my wedding. They throw a wedding party and they don't invite the kids. That's so weird.

What a missed opportunity for flower girls and ring bearers. And to show off. And to show the kids off. Camels. Give them two dresses. Two dresses. To the camels. For the camels, each the camels are stressing.

Which do I choose? Which one is more flattering for my house? My lovely lady lubs. The kids naturally, I'm ignoring you. The kids naturally grow a bit resentful at the dad, and they also don't get on with the stepmother and create a nickname Acid Rain. Oh, that's good. Which is fun.

That's fun. You know, pretty good little word. That's fun. So around this time, when there's all this weird family stuff happening, this is when Diana meets Prince Charles for the first time. Her brother. Am I right? That's brother Charles.

That's brother Charles. That's brother Prince Charles. This is Prince Charles of the royals. So there's three Charles. Brother Charles, Prince Charles and brother Prince Charles. No, no, there's two. But I don't know if you guys know this, but they met when Prince Charles was dating her older sister Sarah.

I know this from the crown. Yes, see you know. I did not know that. But I was confused by that scene. So Diana was 16. Going on 17. She meets Charles, who was, I think, 30 at the time. Oh, I didn't know that.

Her older sister, so I guess, I don't know how old her sister was, but there would have been at least less of a weird gap. Yeah. Maybe early 20s or something. Yeah. Still. Insane side note that I need to mention, Sarah, the sister at the time was experiencing a really bad eating disorder.

And her family used their connection to the Royals to control her food intake. So they would say stuff like, if you gain X amount of pounds, you can talk to Prince Charles on the phone. Like... Oh, gain weight. Yeah, to help her, like, encourage her to eat and stuff. But how fucked is that? No, I think that's clever to link...

Romantic relationships with weight. It just speaks to, I guess, again, this weird, unhealthy family dynamic that Diana already was coming from. Yeah. I did not know that he was dating her older sister. Yeah, so that's how they met. She was the 16-year-old younger sister. Wow. Oh, he was 29 and she was 16.

Oh, okay. Oh, my God, thank God. I thought it was going to be gross. That's a big gap. Calm your sheep farms, everyone. It's not that bad. That's a big gap. That's what they said in the interview process for the smugglers.

Oh, that's a big gap. That's an impressive gap. When someone has a gap in their resume in that scenario, it's a positive. It's a big plus. It's a huge positive. It's a benefit. So here's a quote from an interview from when they were asked about the day they met. The reporter asks, what was your first impression of Diana?

And Charles says, apologies again for this perfect. Please. Hey, Dave, no apologies. I can't do it. I remember thinking, what a jolly, amusing and attractive 16-year-old. Bouncy and full of life. Bouncy. Also, don't say her age.

Yeah, don't. Like, just say, oh, I thought she was a nice, young woman. Yeah. You know, I was dating her sister. I thought she was nice. Don't say, what an attractive 16-year-old. That's what I was thinking at 29. Yeah, first time I saw her, I was like, hubba-habba.

jabba ding-dong I want to put my Willie in that And you've got to assume that he was coached to say something like that as well That's what they They thought that was the good version of it That's what got approved

I want to see the drafts versions Far out Sickening Knowing how it all sort of goes It was probably more like He was like Yeah I didn't think much of her Yeah

Which is probably true Because he was Yeah So they were No make sure that you Know that he was a hot team Bouncy. Bouncy.

What does that mean? Was she leaping around? Yeah. Why? Why was she doing that? Pogo sticks. Oh, she was on a Pogo stick. She was on a space ball.

She was allowed on the Pogo stick, not allowed on the camel. She was alternating between the spaceball and the Pogo stick. She was very busy that day. And a jumping castle. She was, yeah. Good Lord. Wow. So not long after this, Charles goes to the Spencer family house for dinner, still as the partner of Sarah.

And he sidles up. to Diana, this attractive, bouncy 16-year-old. And he says, oh, can you show me the art upstairs? Oh, that's a euphemism of short. I don't know. Yeah, can you share me the art? I do call my tits. The art, though.

That was really good, Matt. Really? No. As Charles, yeah. I'm not. I'm not. That was good. Yay.

He's got a plan. Why are you patting me on the head as you're saying it? Because I got long arms. But Sarah overhires this, the sister. And she butts in, she's like, no, don't take my little sister upstairs to see this art. So I guess you could say Charles had a bit of a crush. Oh, he did have a crush on it. On Diana from the start.

You could also say he was a pervert. You know, we could say a lot of things. Yeah. Eventually, that relationship between Sarah and him fizzles out. Were they together for long, do you know? It was sort of one of those, like, weird on and off courtships for a few months, not long. Yeah. And courtships there were, it was sort of like just getting,

Are we going to get married? Like right off the bat. Exactly. That's so, like, the Royals are always like, Charles needs to get married. So it's like always searching for a wife. Well, if he's, yeah, 29, it's like, we need to get this boy married. Yeah.

And the reason their relationship ended is because the press found Sarah at one point and just said, like, oh, are you going to marry the prince? Like, are you guys going to get married? And she said, oh, we're not even thinking about that yet. Like, we're just dating casually. She was like super honest and upfront and didn't really think. And the royal family intervened and froze her out and said, you can't date this bitch anymore. Whoa.

Like, she is not being respectful. Charles does not date casually. It was like, not kind of a normal answer? A very normal. A very normal. But it's early days. And they were like, no. A very normal and very healthy response.

Not Princess material, apparently. Charles' first date is also the first day of engagement, okay? Yeah. Pretty much when it comes to with Diana, pretty much. So, anyway, at this time, there is obviously a few years that go on between Diana reconnecting with Charles. She's moving through life, graduating high school, not a girl, not yet a woman. She finishes school 18 and moves to London back in with her mum and tries to reconnect that relationship. Like a lot of women of her background, she had like a super top rate education,

but wasn't expected to actually do anything with it. Like school was more to enable you to have fancy conversations about poetry, not to actually have a career because you're still expected to just pop out babies. Yeah, right. No expectation to like go to university or, yeah, have a job or any kind of career. Don't make me vomit. They got great big textbooks, but not to learn from to balance on their heads. Yes, yeah.

Amazing posture. Diana had no specific qualifications or anything that she wanted to study, but she knew she wanted a job. So she actually got one at a temp agency, which I find very cool. Cool. And she worked random odd jobs doing reception, waitressing, teaching at a ballet school because she loved to dance. And she ends up moving into her own flat with some friends and has on many occasions described this as the only happy time in her life, which is sad and beautiful. and we all miss our 20s.

Oh, yeah, yeah. All been there, Diana. But it is, it's nice and kind of refreshing to hear. I didn't know that. So it's nice that she had like a bit of a normal life for a little bit. Yeah. Just she had just a little glimpse of a normal life. Yeah.

And her flatmates weren't super posh or anything. They were just girls that she had met in London and stuff. So they just were like in this sharehouse like four of them. Oh, she was so close to living a great life. Right? Yeah, she had that chance. Exactly. And it sounds like she didn't have much of a party lifestyle.

She, by all accounts, didn't smoke and barely drank alcohol, but she still just wanted to be out in the world. She would still just watch TV in the evenings, go to the pub, and eventually got a job at a childcare centre. In terms of relationships, she went on a few dates with guys, but it sounds like she didn't really vibe with them. Like even men who went on one or two dates with her were like, oh, no, she just clearly didn't like me very much and kind of.

ghosted. Yeah, nice. So there were no long-term relationships before she got married. And I have to mention this because this is a big part of why the royal family loved her at the start. She was probably a virgin when she got married. Pure. Pure.

Wow, and the royal family knew this and loved it. Loved it. Normal stuff. Real normal areas. Totally normal conversations in that place. You could even say they were obsessed with it. And nice to meet you, Diana. Have you boned?

How's your high man? Yeah. Intact? Good to hear. Good girl. Hi man. How's your high man? There it is.

Classic. That's classic Liz. That's classic Queen Lizzie. We've got a fair way into this episode D without finding out pro or not pro. Which does a word for that. Monarchist. Monarchy in Australia. Me?

Me? Yeah. Republican or monicus? I guess that's probably it. Do I strike you as a big royal family family fan? Well, hey look, sorry if this is too personal, I can see squirming in your seat. I'm wriggling around. It's so bad.

Deriggled more like it. Oh, that's nice. No, I hate them and I want to burn it all to the ground. Right. Because you love this topic, but I guess Diana is sort of an outcast in it as well. Yes, she's not a royal. Right. She's posh.

Yeah. Fine, except that. But she's not a royal thing. family and they as you will find out and as you probably know a little bit about they chewed her up and spat her out like the institution sucks yeah it's a very strange sorry if you were about to say that you love the royal family no i'm yeah i'm yeah well i'm glad to have you on because jess and dave are big monica so i'm in oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm really yeah love them love so you're actually outnumbered this episode yeah yeah yeah yeah which is yeah good which is yeah

not good for you none of us were old i mean i was old enough of course but i missed it none of us were around to a vote in the last republic vote for Australia. Hopefully there's another. When was that? The year 1999. Oh, wow.

A couple years after, you know, this report ends. We would you're busy stressing about the millennium bug. Yeah, exactly. Y2K. Scary stuff. Do you guys remember the lollies, the millennium bugs that came out for a limited time?

I think about them all the time. I don't remember them at all. They were really good. I remember Bertie Beatles. Of course. That's not a millennium bug. It's a bug-related treat. Yeah, okay.

So I'm giving you that. Because bugs don't make me hungry for a treat. No. No. Well, you're not an aunt eater. I'm not an ant eater. She's right. Okay, so back to Diana and Charles, reconnect when she's 19.

She's had maybe one or two years of fun London freedom. At this time, Charles is dating a woman you might have heard of and her name is Camilla Parker Bowles Right, I get her confused with Sarah Ferguson Fergie Fergie or is it Sarah? Well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, she also ends up in the royal family.

But she's with one of the other. Yeah, one of the other ones. Not the one that doesn't sweat. Yeah, I think so. Or the one that doesn't sweat. Yeah. So Charles and Camilla are like not even hiding the fact that they're dating and all this sort of.

of stuff having lots of sex um i don't want to mention too much about charles in this but i kind of have to because of the relationship with diana but i just hate him so his family are pressuring him to get married because at this stage now he's 30 oh my god yuck i know i'm sorry i'm actually sorry i didn't give you like a warning about that imagine imagine imagine being 30 and not married i would want to die. Yeah, like I'm 33 and like totally, I'm so mad. I'm so mad. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm 31 and mega married. So it's, everything's fine. I'm totally married. I had a, I know of a guy, cool guy who was 33 and unmarried. Um, he also did a little carpentry. And so I think it's still cool to be 33 and unmarried, okay? And you can start carpentry

whenever you want. Yeah. That's what I'm hearing. That man's name was of course. course, Jeremy Bilvenson or Bilvo to his friends. Bilbo. We're just making up names. What? Yeah, I love it. No, it's fun. No, no.

That's the point of this podcast, isn't it? Yeah, just make up names. That's what it's called, isn't it? Make up names. Yeah. Yeah. Please. Make up names.

Please. Make up names. God, that would have been so much better. A lot less work would have gone into it. A lot less reports. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We could just sit around making up names. Oh, that sounds like a lot of fun.

Half an hour. You would get even more Patreon subscribers from that. I think so. Maybe that could be a stretch goal for a next, like a bonus episode. We may as all call the Patreon read bit at the end. Make up names. That's true. Make up names.

So anyway, the Royals are like pressuring Charles to get married, but they definitely don't want him to marry Camilla because she's not a virgin. That's literally they are very open about that. That was the problem. That's the reason. She had had a brief relationship before Charles and now is dating. Charles and they've had sex and the family are like, that's disgusting. She's impure. She's a slut. It's crazy. They're not even hiding that. Wow. But Charles is also impure.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if boys have had sex. I don't think men can be impure. Oh, that's fantastic news. I think by being men, they are just great. Oh, self-cleaning. That's so handy. I mean, if anyone's self-cleaning, it's women, but we just don't have time to get into that. We don't have time to get into the biology. I don't want to get into that. Yeah. Teflon coded. Men. Men.

Have you tried men? Have you tried men? I didn't realize it. I knew. I think I knew. I mean, obviously, otherwise they would have gotten married back then. But I knew there must have been some sort of reason as to why they couldn't get married. But I did not realize it was just that.

And they were in love and stuff. They were really happy together. But still, both of them seemed to think it was fine to not do this. Because they stayed in each other's lives as like best mates. And Camilla ends up marrying some guy called Andrew. And they're all in the same friendship circle. Like, they all go along with these insane rules and don't question them. Yeah, right.

Which I just find wild. Yeah. But then there's also no conflict, I guess, because they're all just friends. So many lives would not have been ruined if they just let Charles marry Fergie. Exactly. Not Fergie. Camilla. Yeah, that's wild.

I don't think I could stay close friends and in the same circle as someone and their family who, had done that. Well, I mean, it's all very incestuous. So, like, friends, families, neighbours are all probably the same 12 people. Yeah, right. Slim pickings. It's hard to find a new friend group. The British royal family being incestuous.

Come on, Dee. Hearding. Groundbreaking. That's funny, because you're all saying you hate Charles. I found that the Crown made him quite a sympathetic character at times. I shouldn't say I hate him because it's true. He is a victim of the system and staff. But he also treated Diana.

I'm like shit. Yes, that's right. So in that way. It was one of those shows where there was episodes that was like, oh, fuck, Charles. What a brutal life you've had in other ones or you're like, fuck you, Charles. It's true.

And they all did sort of have a brutal life. Like, it's a cult, essentially. Yeah. If you don't call it a royal family and you call it a cult, it becomes really clear how, like, abusive and fucked all of these weird rituals and stuff are. It's absolutely wild as well, the way that the media and some people turn on, like, Prince Harry,

for walking away from it. And it's like, are you crazy? Yes. He's the smartest person of all of them. Would you want to be a part of them? No. They were awful and racist towards your wife. Yes.

Get the fuck out of there. Beaselessly. Yeah. A lot of the media are part of the cult, though. It's like anyone leaving a cult where you get outcasts and they try and cause a cast aspersions on your good name. Going back to like witchcraft. Yeah.

Salem. But there is a funny anecdote, though. So one night, Charles, Camilla, and all of their friends go out for drinks. And there's a dance floor and Charles and Camilla are making out on the dance floor. She's married. Okay. At this stage. Her husband's there.

Cool. And everyone's just like, all right, this is fine. It's the 60s or 70s probably now. Live a little. Making out on the dance floor. But that night makes the royals and the queen in front. particular, more motivated to get Charles a wife. They're like, he can't be out here slotting around on the D floor. And not long after that, Diana suddenly starts getting all these invitations to

social events. One of them is an invitation to a weekend away at their country home, which is also an insane thing, but she's part of this weird elite social circle. So she's like, I guess it's fine. I guess that's fine. The Queen's invited me for a weekend away. I know. Sure. I'll go for a week. I'm sorry, guys, I can't come to the pub on Saturday. I'm going away for the weekend with the Queen. Yeah. Baffling. Baffling.

She watches Charles play polo and... The most erotic sport. It sounds so boring. Yeah, yeah. It's so boring. And the two of them eventually do get some time alone together and get chatting. And during this conversation, Diana mentions to Charles that she recently saw photos of him attending his uncle's funeral, who he'd been really close to, and it was really awful when he did.

died and she said something along the lines of you looked so sad when you walked up the aisle at his funeral it was so tragic i thought this is so wrong you're very lonely you should be with someone to look after you oh empath yeah but also no girl like you don't have to be the person to yeah you don't you don't try and fix him i know but you know that shows like she was very sensitive yeah and saw him being sad and did see that he was this lonely kid in this weird royal institution cult thing. So odd. She's so naive, I think.

Yeah. And young. Just young and sweet. That's the thing. So even though she had aged from a bouncy 16 to a slightly less boisterous 19, Charles became super keen after that weekend. This is when their romance courtship begins. So after that weekend away, he invites her to the theatre.

And here's the interesting thing about their courtship, as you said earlier, earlier Matt. So they only meet 13 times before getting engaged. Wow. And not a single one of those 13 times, they are alone. Perfect. Gorgeous. That's how I like to date. Dreaming. Yeah, that's fun. I love a chaperone. Is this not a date? This is a date right now. And it's going very well. It's going very well. I'm on my own couch. Well, it's a date between you and I, but obviously I've brought Matt as a chaperone. Yes. Thank you so much. And he's a great chaperone. Great chaperone. That's why I've been slapping away your hands. No.

Don't you dare. I like the positive omen of 13. Oh, yeah, that feels good. Oh, yeah, the evil number. Yeah. Yeah, that's... And then they get engaged. Oh, that sucks.

Like her grandmother is the main chaperone for these events. Or his royal family. Oof. The whole family. Love that. Another disgusting thing is Diana never calls him Charles until they're engaged. She only refers to him as sir.

Oh. Yucky. Yeah, I don't like that. Yucky. I don't like that. But I guess this is all normal to them. That's the thing. Like, there's nothing weird about this to them.

Because he outranks her. Because he's a man. Oh, yeah. And he's a royal. And he's a royal. And so maybe she just has this. And maybe the time period, maybe respectfully, you do call older men, sir. It's so bonkers.

It is. But then they're engaged and she's allowed to call him Charles. Yes. That's the privilege of marriage. Exactly. That's the only benefit that I can see. So I don't know if you guys have ever dated a royal in the 70s, but the logistics is insane. I had a few wild flings, yes.

I thought you might. I thought you might. Probably shouldn't say too much. So the weird process is Charles has to tell his family in order to go on a date. Okay. this is the process. He says, I wish to see Lady Diana on this date, to the theatre or whatever. Then it gets sent through all these different channels of communication, eventually lands on the Queen's desk. She gets the final approval. That then gets circulated back to Charles to say, yes, you can do this.

That can take weeks because of how insane these people are. He can't just go to his mum. No. He can't book in a time to see his mum. What? You've taken bloody cuckoo bananas pills over there, Jess. Like, what are you talking about? That is bonkers. Imagine now, though, you could just text her. What's up?

Mum. WhatsApp, yeah. No, he'd have to text someone in the... Yeah. Pass up the text chain. Yeah, you'd have to FaceTime and associate. Yeah, right. They're probably a WhatsApp group chat for dates with the Queen in it.

Yeah, probably, yeah. Queen would not be in a group chat. She's like above. Oh, okay. There's a secondary chat. Yeah, yeah. A secondary secret chat. Yeah.

It's just her. What a fucking... And I'm, you know, I don't think Charles is the best. But what an awful life. And to think that that's normal as well. It sounds like he just, and understandably, I guess, like you just don't question that that's, most people don't question your own family unit and structure in general. And so for this kind of standing, everyone in the public is also saying this is normal.

Yeah. So why would you question it? And he'd kind of, from memory on the crown anyway, which I'd treat as a documentary, He was kind of bullied his whole life. Or like even from inside the family, they're like giving him sort of tough love, trying to make him toughen up by going to the school that he hates where he just feels like an outcast everywhere. Yeah, he had, by all accounts, he had no friends. His friends were his parents, like his dad's friends.

It's really sad. And his mom showed him no affection. Zero affection. I don't think any of them really did. It's a weird. So he didn't know how to treat. people. No, he had no idea how to interact with another human being, let alone a trial so that he's courting. Yeah. Somehow he got lucky, met a soulmate and his family said, well, you obviously can't

have a relationship with them. Yeah, obviously, this can't go on. Not to give too much sympathy for this guy, but it's a, we totally can. Yeah, it's all, it's all very sad. It is. It's sad for everyone. And so unnecessary. Yeah. Like you said earlier, like it's so unnecessary. All of this drama could have been skipped if he was just allowed to marry Camilla. Totally. And then somehow all of this, this weird cult family, they're the boss of Australia. It's so weird. I know.

And I think like we kind of accept and probably even more so like in the UK. Again, they're just kind of like, yeah, that's just how it is. That's how it's always been. But when you do step back a little bit and start to look at it, you're like, and they're in charge because, oh, they just were ages ago and they just kept it in the. the one family. Okay. And do they actually have any power in a political sense? Like, I don't think they really do. Maybe they do in the Britain, but they do, they've got the, I mean, they've got the, it's basically ceremonial, but I think they do technically still have the power to sack the prime

minister. Yeah. What, what, do we know what Queen thinks about Alba? Yeah. Can they, should do it to, or is it the Governor General that can do it here? Well, yeah, who's her representative? Yeah, that's right. So I guess she could be like, get him out of here. Yeah, but she never would. No. I think it's just weird that she could. Yeah. It is weird that she could.

It's weird that we have a Governor General. What do they do? Fly around. Yeah, they sort of just... What's ceremonial stuff, I think. They loiter. They got... I know the last thing I heard about our Governor General,

who I couldn't even name right now. Not even. Oh, no. Not since Quinton Bryce. That's exactly what I was thinking, which is like an old reference. Or the old... And there was the Army guy. Yeah, that's why I'm thinking of the Army guy.

But... But the current one, I think, recently had to apologise for being in a TikTok video, plugging a construction company. Oh, yes. Was that the, oh, that was the Governor General, yeah. I think so, yeah. I think you're right. That was our Governor Jack.

That's embarrassing. Yeah, it's so strange. Good Lord. He's like, I didn't know they were going to put it on TikTok or Instagram or something. What do you think when you filmed a video? You've got to be careful these days. Everyone's, I'm TikToking you guys now. Yeah, and Instagramming you.

Everyone's always TikToking. Always be talking. Always be talking. Always be ticking. ABT. ABT. ABT. So the press catch on to this courtship and they start visiting her at work at her child care center.

But at that stage, it's like one or two reporters. It's not crazy. She is very, very polite to them and doesn't hate it. She's very gracious and says, yes, I'm, you know, seeing Sir. Yes, sir and I. And it's fine. And then they just kind of. to let her go. They don't really hassle her too much at this stage.

That's nice. Isn't that so nice of the Papps? But they didn't like hound her. It was like one or two people loitering, asking for a comment and then she gets in her cute little car. Yeah, just a couple people loitering outside of a daycare center. That's cool. Yeah, like that's totally fine. You can see why that sort of perception of like the people's princess and she's just, she's in every woman. Because she's working in a child care center and she's living like a

pretty normal middle class kind of life, even though she comes from a, wealth. Yeah, exactly. And she is a lady. And the press cannot, and they try, to dig up dirt on her. Like, they can't find a single thing she's done wrong. There's no, like, again, maybe because this is pre-smart phones and TikToks. And she's hardly been outside.

And she hasn't really been outside of a sheep farm in 20 years. Yeah. But there's no, like, scandals or stories of her even, like, getting drunk. There's just nothing. She's just like this really innocent. And then probably because of her age. She has no life experience. She hasn't had time to have a feral.

But also like if the media can't find anything, that also means the royal family have looked and didn't find anything either. Yeah. And again, they of course have their connections with the media. So they're like, you bloody dig up some dirt on this young woman. She's a blank slate. We love this about her. Exactly. That's what they saw her at.

Yeah. But the thing about having no experience with relationships is that it makes it hard to notice when you're in a shit one, as Diana will find out. She happily and kind of naively went along with these family control. dates he was still always the center of attention and the dynamic sounds like diana who is still just 19 naive and quite sensitive has that childhood loneliness experience that she is bringing to the table and it sounds like she just thought he was this like sad dude in his 30s with no mates she was like oh you're kind of sad and your family are kind of cold to you i relate to that yeah like that's sort of the vibe.

But during this courtship of 13 dates, Charles starts sleeping with Camilla again. Cool. Well, I mean, that's a lot of time. If you don't nail him down within 13 dates, as if he's not going to have a wandering eye. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like normal.

Come on, ladies, you've got to give it up by date 12. Come on. I'm surprised they didn't have like a little, you know, cupboard woman in the... A cupboard woman. A cupboard woman, you know. Besat as, I'm going to shut up. I'd love, I have not, what is a cupboard woman?

You two look like, is this a thing that people know of? It's a woman thing, and we're not going to share with you. You're not allowed to know. Does everyone, do all women have a cupboard woman? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Some of us were one. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

You guys have to interrupt me. Okay, so Charles and Camilla are shagging again. You know, those two knew that they were doomed. romantically, Charles kind of shrugs, chooses Diana. So even Camilla herself was part of the, and she's admitted to this, part of this royal conversation to say yes, Diana's great for you. Wow. While she's watching him.

It is. And married to somebody else. And married to somebody else. Just, and everyone's like, this is a completely normal thing that we're doing. Hey, Dee, question. Yes. How did Camilla get the nickname Fergie? I'm not going to dignify that with a response.

It just seems like a bit of a leap to me. Yeah. Camilla Parker Bowles, how do you get Fergie out of that? Yeah, no, it's crazy. These are two separate women. You know, nicknames. Oh, Fergie was her cupboard woman. Oh, good Lord.

I'm ignoring you actively. And on February 6th, 1981, Charles proposes. Would you like to guess how he proposes? I'm going to say, indifferently, and in a not-romantic way at all. I'm going to guess. Pebbles at the window. Boom box over the head. Yeah, what song?

But what's 1981? What else could it be? But one of the hits from then. Yes, exactly. A gramophone? A gramophone. A gramophone song. A gramophone song. In 1981.

Yeah. Ancient times. Back when grammar phones were in. Did they have boom boxes, though? What was in between? In 1981, they would have been boom boxes. I know, but can't have been portable? Boomboxes were classic 80s stuff, surely.

81? Oh, okay, early 80s. I'm not sure. Yeah, I reckon, probably. So that's what you reckon. And I reckon that we're playing pseudo-echo's funky town. Yeah. That's the most romantic song, famously.

That's how I was proposed. So actually, Matt, you couldn't be more wrong. It was one of pseudo-echo's other songs. So here's a quote, a direct quote from Diana about the proposal. Oh God, my accent. No, you can do it. Thank you. I arrived at Windsor Castle around five o'clock.

He sat me down and said, I've missed you so much, but there was nothing tactile about him. He wasn't even looking at me. It was extraordinary. But I'd never had a boyfriend, so I didn't have anything to go by. And he said,

so, will you marry me? And I laughed. And I thought, is this a joke? And he said, he said he was deadly serious. And I said, oh, okay. And a voice said to me inside, you won't ever be queen, but you'll have a tough role.

So I said, yes, I love you so much. I love you so much, Charles. And he said, sure, whatever love means. Oh, a couple of red flags there. Okay, point him out to me because I'm not saying anything. Yeah. What do you reckon? Well, she thought he was joking.

That's rude. He just proposed to her. And if she laughs when I propose, it's off. Yeah, right. So I think Charles really missed a couple of red flags there. Okay. If someone proposed to me as a bit, I would laugh. Like, that's funny.

Okay, well, quick question. Will you marry me? I'm laughing. But it's legally binding. Oh, your heart, your heart. That's taken me so long to build up the courage to do that over an hour. Okay, so the thing is, there's an, like, That's not just Diana retroactively making this story up because there's an interview not long

before their wedding with the two of them. And they're asked about like, what's it like to be in love? You guys are going to get married. Like here's their opportunity to like do their PR stuff. Yeah. Yeah, we're great. And they're sitting there next to each other like zombies. No physical affection.

Neither of them are smiling. And Charles says this again in this stiff, weird way. Sure, whatever love means. He says it again. Like he actively is saying that he doesn't. doesn't love her? That is so odd. So weird.

He wants to know what love is and he wants her to show him. Maybe that was the song was played. That's probably it. That's what was playing, which is why she was laughing. Yeah. Because that's funny. She's like I'm not going to be able to do this. Yeah.

So, but she did in whatever reason seemed to care about him. They both had lonely childhoods. She had classic, I'll fix him complex and, you know, whatever, we've been there. So now they're engaged. Diana is almost officially. a part of the royal family. She starts planning her new life at the palace. But the thing is, nobody welcomes her or shows her around or says like,

hey, this is where the bathroom is and this is where we sit for afternoon tea. And like a single butler points and says, that's your room. And she's just left to like wander around this place that she's going to live in. There's no orientation. No orientation. And not Charles either. Like no one shows her around.

So she is, she's just there as like a, as a, a, a porn, isn't she? That's just an initiation. Yeah. Yeah, like a prop. She's, it's funny that even the, the butler, the single butler, he won't even. Yeah, he's like, over there, piss off. The married butlers were busy, but he was like, no, I'm not going to even give you any. Yeah.

It's so straight. Like, surely the butler's like, how cool. It's a new person. Yeah, let me show you around. She seems more normal than the weirdos that are here, but they're in the cult. But that's the thing. And she, like, over the years does try to talk to the staff who seem more normal, but they're told not to interact socially. So they're like running away from her.

She's like, I need a friend. It's really sad. She's like, just asking how your day's going. Okay. Don't worry about it. I mean, in the Royal Family's defense, do they need to show her the bathroom? They'd be like 300. Pick a door.

Have a piss. You know? And if you get it wrong, there's like a thousand staff members that will clean up your piss. Yeah, exactly. You got a 50-50 chance. And if you're wrong. You meet a cupboard woman. Yeah, you made a cupboard woman.

And she might tell you where the actual bathroom is. Yeah. After she cleans the pissing off her dress. Oh, God. So they have all these, as you would expect, bizarrely specific rules and rituals in terms of cutlery and clothing and how to act and even what to say and how to say it none of it seems real they have a specific spoon for soup yeah like they would hate improv so much they'd be like this is not right you got to eat soup a certain way yeah i forget if it's like it's a way i think it's a way

that's a good way for me to remember it there's a certain way it's a way but also i don't know if that's right i'm basing that on beauty and the beast when she ends up drinking it from the bowl. Yeah, because that's what I would do instinctively. As a beast. As a beast. As a beast. As a fellow beast.

Hey, I'm a beast. It's one of the best things about moving out of home is now I can eat soup however I want. My mom can't be like, away, put the spoon away. I'm like, I'm going to just shovel it into my face however I want. I'm going to use a fork. Shut up, mum. You can use a straw, a silly straw, one of those big wacky ones. I have a lot of fun, burn my mouth.

That's afflorn east for you telling you away. Away. Eat the soup away, Jessica. Yeah, that's how my mum sounds. So from the very start, she's an outsider, right? She doesn't know how to act or who to even ask for help. Again, there's no orientation manual in the book. There's no O week.

Yeah. There's no O week. You need O week. There's no, like, Airbnb, like, house rule manual. Yeah. There's none of that. No Wi-Fi password. I love it when you stay at Airbnb and they've got, like, a full-on folder with, like, cafe recommendations,

how to use the heater, you know? It can be a bit tricky. So what you want to do is you want to hold the on button for three seconds. then you're, you know, that's what you need. It makes you feel like, Me Casa Esu Kasa. That's right. Or however.

Me Castle a Sioux Castle is what should have happened. That's what should have been said, multiple times. I think where. Me Palace Esu Palace. I think we're behind America, I reckon with Airbnb. You see on Twitter they're talking about it like they've just lost the passion, Airbnb hosts over there. Yeah.

Where I think we still get the folders and stuff, but they're like, All right, you're not allowed to use this room after this time. Yeah. All these full on rules. Turn all the lights off by 10pm. Yeah. It's sometimes like that if you ever, like I'm not a rich person, but if you ever only stay in a room and Airbnb place,

like that kind of stuff is. That makes me very anxious to do that. I feel so uncomfortable doing that. I don't want to do that. Yeah. I automatically, first thing I do when I'm looking at ABB is tick entire place. Well, it must be nice. That must be very nice.

What's it like over there, Madam Princess? I can't hear you from my throne. Yes, and I'm sleeping in my car. I think I go right back to sharehouse days where it's only going out in the open areas when no one else is around. You can hear they've left and you're like, okay, great. I want to quickly make some toast. Yeah. Yeah, 100%.

Awful. I never want to live in a sharehouse again. Anyway, this is basically what she's moved into, like a cold sharehouse full of freaks. Full of freaks. Being there. Where's some, like, does she have a little, what, okay, what number on the phone does she press for room service? Well, that's the thing. You know, I don't know.

It should be in a manual. Again, manual. I'll stay in my room, but you've got to bring me food. Yeah, at least give me something. In that biography, in the book, Andrew Morton, the author. In whose words, though? In her own words. In her own words, okay.

He describes it essentially, which is a good summary, as she's been given this incredibly important job with no training. Yeah. And also during this time, pre-wedding, Charles keeps going off on like holidays. Like now he's locked her in. He's like, cool. We don't have to actually have a relationship. I can keep shagging Camilla, going hunting and shit.

Diana ends up chatting with the staff and he has whispers that Charles is sleeping with Camilla. And by whispers, one of those is literally a bracelet that Camilla gets sent to the house. And Charles opens in front of Diana. And the bracelets is engraved with, let's keep fucking. Yeah, thanks for the bones, sish. Thanks for the bones.

Not that different. It does have an engraving. It's, like, a nickname. Fuck, I should have written it down, but it's like an in-joke. Yeah. Between them. So he opens this thing in front of Diana and it's like, he-he-he. Right?

Yeah, that's messed up. He is awful. Yes, he sucks. That's what I mean by he sucks. And he just has no idea, I think, like you say earlier, Matt, like, of how to be a person. Yeah. And how to talk to another person and no idea of the consequences of this kind of behavior.

He's just like in a petri dish. Yeah. He's like a little freak. You wonder if they've learned it all because of the way Melissa Margle or whatever was welcome to the end of the family. He's so good with names. You're amazing with names. Melissa Margle.

Well, I know I know her because I've seen suits. Yeah, yeah. You know it's not Melissa though, don't you? Yes. Megan Markle. Megan Markle. Yeah. Megan Markle. What a great name.

Almost as good as Melissa Margle. Almost as good as Melissa Margleton. It's perfect for, I mean, it already sounds so posh. It's perfect for the posh accent. Megan Markel. Megan Markel. Megan Markle. Megan Markle.

Welcome Megan Markle. Welcome Megan. And Fergie. And she's like, no, it's Megan. But okay. Yeah, is it Megan? American say Megan. American say Megan.

Which sounds posher to me than Megan. Megan. Megan. It sounds weird. Megan. Megan. Craig's their best one. Oh, I hate Craig.

Craig. Craig is so funny. Your name shouldn't rhyme with egg. No name should. Stop that, Greg's out there. Oh, no, I'm sorry, Craig. Greg is fine. You've made your rules.

Greg's one of my favorite names. Greg and Gary, the two great names. Yeah, great names. Yeah, so Diane is just feeling super, super alienated by Charles, by the family. This is also when her eating disorder behaviour is. get really bad and I should flag. I'm not going to talk about any of the specifics because that's unhelpful. But it's really bad and it's very clearly a coping mechanism.

Charles just stops courting her and showing any interest in her. Now they're engaged. That's a thing. It's a done deal. That's where so many relationships start to fail is because, you know, you settle down. You might live together and you stop dating. You've got to keep dating each other. Interesting.

You know, do things together. activities, go to the movies, talk to one another. I think there's this weird thing in society where, I don't know, it's probably phasing out, but you sort of grow up thinking, you know, when you're an adult, you get married. And that's like seen as sort of the end. Yeah. You get married and have kids and that's seen as the end. So I guess that's what people go, all right, finish the relationship now.

We just sort of coast to the end. Yeah. Tick, I've gotten married and I've had kids. I don't have to do anything to nourish those relationships. chips whatsoever. No, no, no, they're just like there. I shouldn't, it's not like I need to work even harder now that things are way more full on. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's the opposite. No, no, no, you do less and less. Um, so in the days leading up to the wedding, actually, both Charles and Diana are freaking out. She is crying pretty much daily. He's panicking. Um, he's even saying to

friends, I don't know if I want to do this. She's saying to her sister, I don't know if I want to go through with this and her sister. The one who dated Charles? Yes. Incredible. Do you know what her response is? Well, your face is already on the teetails. Oh, for a good point actually, Sarah.

Yeah. No, that is a good point. It is a good point because how much pressure would you feel if you were engaged and there was already merch? Yeah. That is so funny. How tacky the royal family is that there's teetow merch. Yeah.

Yes. For a place with so much money in an institution, there's like every street corner is selling te towels with Diana's face on it to like. mop a dick. Yeah, it's very odd. Not even nice merch. Yeah. But I like to buy it when I see it in an op shop.

Oh yeah, you must. You must. You like to buy the die stuff? Oh yeah, I like to buy the die. You like to buy the die? I love to buy the die. Oh, my guy who likes to buy the die. We're writing a Seinfeld episode all of a sudden.

It feels more like a Dr. Seuss book, actually. Yeah, it's not good. This is a bad drop. I did buy the Megan Markle. Thank you. and her boyfriend. His name is. The Prince.

Yeah, that's right. Which one? Harry. Harry. His name is Henry. Which is short for Henry. My name is my favorite royal call. I love them.

But when we're in England last doing a tour for this show, at the airport I bought a box of tea that was Megan and Harry. Did you? That's cute. Did it have a pun? Was it like a pun? I can't remember. I'll have to dig it out. Did you just want tea or did you buy it?

No, it was so funny to have it. You accidentally bought the Royal Man. Yeah. Over there, that's all you can get. It's harder to get one that doesn't have the fucking Royals on its middle. Yeah, you think you've got a Lipton and you turn it around and there's the Queen. She's like, ah, another Queen tea. They've done that to our money over here, but over there it's everything.

Right. So while both of these, well, I was going to say children, she's a child, technically, she's 19. while they're both freaking out and not really wanting to do this, of course they go through with it, and the wedding happens on the 29th of July, 1981. And I'm interested, have you guys ever seen photos or videos from the wedding? Bits and pieces, but I'm imagining more like the, because it's always such a big procession, like into the church and out of the church.

That's what I'm imagining, people on the streets and stuff. Not so much the ceremony itself I can think of. But it's this enormous, like, parade. It's like a weird festival. she is wearing, it was the 80s, it's not the best. The big puffy shoulders, a quilted dress that was 30 feet long.

Like that's too long, in my opinion. How do you walk like that? You don't. At all. It's too much. It would be heavy. Yeah. And like you say,

just so many people, like packed around the palace, everything is huge. And it would have been super influential as well, right? Like everyone all of a sudden would have been going, I want the Diana dress for my wedding. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I have shoulders and it would have been like a grand final day. Everyone's lining up to attend this event. Our version. Australia's version of a royal wedding is the grand final parade, which happens the day before through the streets of Melbourne. Beautiful time. Yes, beautiful time. Bit of culture.

Bit of culture. Oh, you want to get a bit of culture? Yeah, well, you better go check out the grand final day parade where the players ride in the back of Uts down Swanson Street. And nea T-Tatel in sight. Yeah. One cool thing to note, though, is that Diana requested the vows be changed from love, cherish and obey to just love and cherish. Oh, that's sick.

Which is pretty cool, because even though she was young and intimidated, she was like, no, I still believe in this and kept a bit of part of... Oh, that's awesome. And they allowed that? Yeah. Wow. That's surprising. So that's pretty cool, I reckon. Yeah, that is pretty cool, especially, as you say, at a young age and it's hard to sort of speak up for yourself.

And she's like, no, I'm not saying obey. It feels like, you hear obey now and you'd be like, well, that feels gross. But back then, that would have, yeah, that feels like that would have been pretty bold. Yeah. Yeah, especially because she was calling him sir and stuff. She was, she was obeying. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But I'm not going to say it. But I'm not going to say it. I'll do it, but I won't say it. I won't get into it again, but Diana later reported that she hadn't slept or eaten for two days leading up to the wedding from stress. So I don't know actually how she did it, the big fan. The speeches, the after party, I think it's called a reception.

After party. Because she would have just been feeling awful. Yeah. And this is a fun guessing game. Do you guys want to guess how many people across the world watched the wedding? It was a big one. And don't say something like 750 billion or something. No.

Don't be like those people. We used to do that. I reckon occasionally like, oh, big number. Wow. 10 billion? Yeah. And they're like, oh, no. It's like 10,000.

No, I reckon what? 300, 400,000? You reckon half a mill? Wait, is this... Yeah, I'm just thinking that. Yeah, this is like worldwide, televised. Oh no, there's more people watch TV back then. I'm going like 2 or 3 million.

So when I said, don't say 750 million, that was the amount of people. 750 million people. What? We must have been so culturally deprived in the 80s. I reckon Australia back then only had. the three channels. True. And it probably was on every channel.

And they all would have been tuned in. Yeah, you're absolutely right. Wow. Love a simulcast. Mile. Like just. That's incredible. Bonkers.

Yeah, you're right. I think like, I think with like Harry and Megan's wedding got a lot of, I mean, I watched that. I watched it. But it surely was less because there's more on. There's more stuff to do. There's more people. True.

And we aren't as invested in the royals as well. I mean, I could not give a fuck, but I was at a party with it on the TV. So, like... Yeah, yeah, I was away for the weekend and got back to the house where we were staying and, like, put it on and watched it for the night. Yeah, I was at a mates for dinner and then we were like, oh, this is happening. Let's put it on. Let's put it on. Yeah, yeah. But it's not like we had gathered there for that.

Yeah, but then it's just a happy coincidence. A great coincidence. That's incredible. And it doesn't sound like the wedding was fun at all because, again, of these weird rituals and stuff, Charles and Diana. They were constantly like, right, it's now, it's this time. You have to sit in this chair and wear this thing. Like, there was no fun or spontaneity, and they look fucking miserable in the photos. Dee, I've just Googled Harry and Megan or Megan wedding viewing numbers.

Yes. According to EconomicTimes.com, an estimated 1.9 billion. What? I mean, they definitely pat out those sort of numbers, but... Billion. Billion? It's just because there's more people, I reckon. And maybe easier to stream it or something?

Yeah, probably. And here I am like surely less people watched it. I know. I was like, culturally we don't care about the royals. All three of us watched it. Yeah, no, that's what. If I'm watching it then.

Yeah. And I'm pretty sure I saw William and Kate's as well. And although I do bet a lot of people listening on it, I didn't fucking watch it. They're yelling at their iPods. Well, of course. 1.9 billion is on everyone in the world. Wow. Sorry, iPods?

Yeah. iPods, yeah. the listeners of this podcast. They listen on iPods. Listen on iPods exclusively? Yeah. And yeah, we made a bad deal a few years ago. And now when they disagree with us, they yell at their iPods. Yeah, you can only get this show on iPods.

Yeah. That's why I've never heard of either of you. Yeah, that's right. That's why I thought it was called Make Up a Name. Make Up an Name. Yeah, so terrible day, not fun. Diana later said, the day, oh, sorry, I'll do the accent. The day I walked down the aisle at St. Paul's Cathedral.

I felt that my personality was taken away and I was taken over by the royal machine. Whoa. Which was an actual machine? Wow. A robot. I am the royal machine. That's all it says. It's like, okay.

Yeah. It's quite useless actually. It doesn't show you where the toilet is. Nah. Can't make you food. Nah. Can't do anything. No.

But it looks cool. It does look really cool. It looks regal. It looks very futuristic as well. Yeah. And it's a little crown on it. Love that detail. Oh cute.

A little robot crown. That's pretty cute. Camels are terrified of it. Oh, my God, so scared. Laser beams in their eyes constantly. Okay, right, married life. Now that they're married, Diana becomes really focused on actually trying to make the relationship work. Bless.

Bless. But it's barely begun, and he's already off on holidays, seeing friends, meeting up with Camilla. And she talks about crying most days during their honeymoon because he was off just living a life like he wasn't on a honeymoon. Oh, crazy. So, like, is the belief that even once they were married, he was still sleeping with Camilla? 100%. Oh, that's unclear if she's married too. Yeah.

Perfect. Yeah. It's just, like, she just had no support network to be like, this is not on. Her support network was like, you're on the teetails. Just put up with it. Yeah. Yeah. And she did kind of fall out with her family as well.

Like, she hadn't spoken with her mom in a few years before she died and stuff. Like, she had kind of fallen out. So she really didn't have any support network, exactly. That's sad. And everyone around it was just like, no, this is fine. What about her old housemates? They sort of cut, like the normies she was living with. I think she stayed in touch with them, but given her now, like, weird obligations and stuff.

Yeah, it's not that easy to just meet your friends for brunch. No, she'd have to probably telegram the queen. Yeah. It's a long process. They're like, can I go for bottomless brunch? And six months later, they're like, no. No. They're like, no, you put on some pants, please.

That's what bottomless brunch should be. We do things differently. in the royal family. I would love that kind of bottomless brunch. Probably like at a friend's house, not at a cafe or something. Not at a cafe. But I would like that. It'd be so comfy and free.

You know what? You can do it, Jess. You can just begin your own little traditions. I'm going to do it. Just by myself. Yeah. I'll sit up. That's certainly fine.

If you put yourself, I think that is totally okay. That's certainly fine. I set up a whole big brunch on the table. Sit down. Have a great time. So you're organizing a buffet. A buffet for myself. for myself.

If I'm understanding. Yeah, there's a lot of food waste. A lot of food waste. Sounds like a lot. It's a bad. I'm going to revisit this like here at another time, I think. It's good. We can workshop.

Yeah. So these crazy kids have to do a royal tour as part of this post-wedding ritual, and they are just exhausted. Diana is exhausted, barely eating, barely knows her husband, and isn't really given the opportunity to, like, hang out with him even. Sounds like he wouldn't want to if he could. He wouldn't. want to. If anything, he was actively avoiding his wife. At this stage, this is when Diana

becomes a little bit more extroverted when she's traveling around and interacting more with the people of the country that she's visiting or with the press as well. So this is when the media start being like, hey, this woman has a personality and she's kind of cool. I think it's so funny that Charles gets bitter and jealous about it. He's giving her no attention. Yeah. Yeah, he totally neglecting her, but also deeply jealous. Yeah. You could totally use her to your advantage. Yeah, for his own image.

If you're not paying her any attention and you're treating her so poorly, how do you feel bad that she's talking, like, just talking to the press? She's desperate for social connections. She's just chatting and she's funny. Like, she's really funny and making all these, like, funny little jokes in the press. And they're like, oh, you're not like this stiff royal. Like, you're actually pretty cool and funny, but still nice and respectful. Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, so that's sort of where. when this people's princess thing, people start really liking her because she's just a normal person. And it's so true that if he was just doing it for putting up, you know, appearances and stuff, he would have been smart to just be like, oh wow, they hate me and they love her. This is good for me. Yeah, totally. You know, way too insecure for that.

Yeah, that's a good point. You know, like a comedy duo, the straight man's always like, they're never the popular one because they're doing the work in the duo. and the funny one, it gets all the love, he could have just been the straight man. Yeah. Let die be the funny one. Overall, everybody still likes the team.

Yeah. You got a job to do. Yeah. You set her up. She knocks them down. She's exactly right. Someone should have explained to them about like comedy duo dynamics. Yeah.

But alas. Now, we have to talk about bowel moral. I've written. We have to. We have to. We simply must talk about Balmoral. I've actually bolded that for some reason. Now, Balmoral, I know that word.

You would know this from the Crown. Okay. So this is the, actually, was it in the Crown? Or was it in the recent movie Spencer with Kirsten Stewart? I haven't seen that. I haven't seen that either. Oh, I loved it. Some little clips I've seen, I was like,

bloody hell, Kristen Stewart, you're doing pretty well. It was really good. It was more of like a psychological thriller than anything to actually do with Diana. Yeah, cool. It could have been about anyone in a way. Anyway, that's our movie review podcast. Balmoral is the Royal Home in Scotland That the Royal Family go to for six full weeks every year

And it sounds horrible Every minute of the day I was just thinking six week holiday How cool is that? The entire family I mean with that family I'd be I'd love to go away with my entire family For six weeks

Yeah be sick No way No three days max In a castle My own father says that Three days max. He goes, what's the fucking thing? Fish and guests start to smell after three days or something.

It's like three days is it. Is that true? Fish. Well, I don't know much about food preparation and storage. Yeah, I don't need fish, so I don't know. Yeah, he's leaving it out in the sun. Yeah, he's living the fish out for three days. I think in a small, like a place that, you know,

normal people could afford for a holiday for six weeks, that would be a nightmare. But in a big castle, if you're allowed to get out and about, then, but yeah, if every minute's planned, no. Yeah, yeah. Then that would be awful. Every minute is planned and scheduled and there's like itineries to the nth degree. It's every minute of the day is formal. You're never allowed to just chill and you have to change outfits multiple times a day. It's basically once every two hours you have to change your clothes.

Why? What's the same as the cutleries? Don't question this stuff. You know, well, you need to be wearing your lunch dress or your lunch suit. And yeah, the guys have different colour suits they need to wear. But nobody's there. It's just a family holiday. I know.

That's why it's so fucking. It's even more bonkers. Yeah, you think you go. You're doing it just for each other. Yeah. So strange. Is anyone enjoying it? Is anyone like, yay, I get to get changed again.

And what, I'm sure you can't outfit repeat. So it's how many, how much, how many clothes are you taking? This is how it has always been done. But that stresses me. No, that gives me anxiety. Imagining doing that all the time. I feel like you'd never. actually have time. You would just be getting changed by the time you come to the table.

They go next outfit. You'd go back. He'd slowly become a cupboard girl. He's just trying to figure out what a cupboard girl is. I still don't really know. Throwing out guesses. We'll never tell. So of course Diana has to go to the six-week outfit rotation thing and hates it. It's literally, she describes it as mainly her role was to sit silently and politely, while the queen has a rotating, sometimes she has guests over, who are usually rich old men who will stand up and just recite speeches about shit that they know, about poetry or politics or like nightmare. And yet it's cold in Scotland.

It's cold famously. Oh. So there's all these unspoken rules. For example, if the queen wants to go for a walk around the garden, first, Charles has to go out, and inspect the garden to make sure that there's no other guests or staff present so that she can be alone. Because she does it nude. Because it's a nudie run.

She has a bottomless bride. Every day at 3 o'clock, Charles has to inspect the grounds. And he has to do it nude as well. His mother's nude, nude, nude. You go nude and then I go nude. That's okay. Why does Charles have to do it? Why can't a staff member do it?

Well, before, well, D. He hasn't mentioned it, but first, a butler goes nude. Yeah. To make sure it's okay if Charles goes nude. To make sure it's okay if Liz goes nude. Oh my God. It's quite a process. Yeah.

At the end of the sun's set by the time she can't even have her garden walk. Yeah, she's like, I can't see shit out of here. Yeah. Nips would be hard as well. In the Belmaroica, hard as rocks. The queen with hard as rocked nips. Shuffling around in the world. The queen has nipples.

Yeah, I know. I'm just picturing it now. It's wild. That's so weird. The queen's got nips. I can't believe that. She has to put on a bra. And the other funny thing is she was as old then as she is now, I assume.

She was born old. Yeah. She's been old for about 90 years. Hello. Hello. Hello. She's been the same age for about 50 years. I was hard as rocks.

My nip, my royal nipples. Oh, my royal nips. Butler, please. Soften thy nips. Okay, so most of the time, Charles is off hunting, playing polo, doing stuff that he's allowed to do, that Diana's not.

And this is normal to him. There's six weeks is normal to him because he's like a little petri dish freak. And everyone is saying, no, this is totally normal to Diana who is internally freaking out. Ugh. Oh, yeah, so she tries to talk to the servants.

She's like, hey, at least can we have a chat? And they're like, I'm sorry, I'm not even. allowed to like socialize with you so she's alone constantly alone and another insane rule is that they don't turn the heating on oh no the richest people in the world richest people in the world in one of the freezing most freezing countries in the world no heating so she's and skinny so she is fucking freezing but they have heating yes why don't they turn it on one of those weird rituals seriously that's okay it's like one of those don't question it they're not sure it was

Because, no one knows. Yeah, all those things come from one time, the king was like, the king, he ran hot. He's like, I run hot. No, we don't have it. So everyone's freezing. That's just what we do. And that gets passed on. Before electricity.

Yeah. So it was like, don't light a fire when King Henry's around or whatever. And now the queen's like, we must all be freezing. Yeah. Because King Henry was. Why? I don't know. That's just how it's always been.

Oh, that sucks. It's crazy. Pump that heater. Uh, Diana keeps trying to bond with Charles. but by all accounts, including Charles's own autobiography, when he and Diana would talk in these early weeks as a married couple, he would lecture her about art and philosophy. Cool.

Oh, great. That's great. So he enjoyed sitting her down and telling her about the world. As a feminist, I love the idea of Diana getting an education in that way. I think that's so great because I think women should learn things as a feminist. I believe that. I think they should be allowed to know about art and literature. Who better to explain it to you than a man.

What an ally. Your husband. I never really thought of him in that way, but yeah, Charles is a feminist icon. He is the original feminist icon, I would say, actually. Yeah. Yeah. So there's this one story about them having a laugh together, a single story about them having a laugh. That's nice. I can't wait to hear this story.

This is going to be funny. This is going to be so... Notoriously a difficult laugh, Charles. This is going to be so funny. I can't wait. You're obviously seated, but prepare for your sides to split. Oh, no. All the Royals go to the Highland Games, which is this big sporting thing,

and the national anthem is being sung, and during this time, Charles and Diana are having a giggle. They're sharing, they find something funny, and they're just like, he-he, and the queen turns around and gives them a death stare, and from there, Charles doesn't talk to her for the rest of the day. Well, it was her fault, wasn't it? Glared at him for laughing with his wife. He has a very strange relationship with his mom.

She drew him into temptation. Yeah. The giggles. How dare you giggle. Yeah, it's so fucked. I love a giggle. Oh, if you can get on a real good giggle. A little secret.

I love a little sighing. I love a giggle when you shouldn't be laughing. They're the best ones. That's the best one. My brother and I cracked up at a funeral one time. It's one of my happiest memories. Once you start, you can't start. It was so funny.

I remember at primary school, they played the last post over the speakers. Oh, funny song. I mean, it's a bugle. Yeah. Tell me not to laugh. It's a bit fairly. Yeah. children.

Yeah. Bringing it back. So he didn't talk to her all day because they had a laugh and he got trouble. Well, in her defence, the song was about her. Pay attention. Pay attention to the song about me. They're telling God to save me. That's pretty good.

That's good. His queen is very good and I will say that. You know, you were doubting yourself. We've set a low standard if that's pretty good. That's pretty good. Don't you? Hey, don't you talk. down the day of yourself.

So there's no honeymoon period. It's doomed from the start. Great. So of course... They didn't really have an engagement period. There was no courtship engagement honeymoon. Maybe that one giggle was the honeymoon period. Yeah, that was it.

Oh, that was it. It was over before it began. The honeymoon period's different for everyone. For them, it was one fleeting giggle. That's true. We shouldn't judge. You know, every relationship is different. Exactly right.

So what do these crazy kids do? They get pregnant. But I'm curious as to how. And I don't, you don't have to explain. But I just mean like he avoids her like the plague. They never interact at all. You're telling me they fucking. No, what I think happened was...

I assume it would have been like a one time we need to make a baby. Very fertile. Strategic. I think Charles asked her to smuggle some semen into the castle. Oh. Every woman is a castle. I've always said that. Your body's a temple unless you're a woman, then it's a castle.

That's a castle. Boys are temples. Good Lord. Wow, okay. So I'm never sure where a line is, but I feel like I crossed yours there, D? Is that fair sense? No, I enjoyed it. I liked that.

I enjoyed it. I was like, I can't riff back on this and then be proud of myself, which is why I remain silent. So I'm wondering if there must have been like pressure from Lizzie to be like. 100%. Because he's the, Charles is the heir to the throne. Yes. So then he needs to make an air as well. Yeah.

There's no aphrodisiac like your mother-in-law pressuring you to bone. Yeah, constantly. Yeah. Diana has a really awful pregnancy. She's sick all the time, really bad nausea. She's still expected to go to all these dumb social events. So these royal doctors swoop in and help her by giving her Valium.

Cool. Classic crazy woman pills, which in Valium's defense are very fun. But she doesn't want them. She doesn't want to disappear and she doesn't want to be a zombie pregnant woman and disappear from herself. She uses the fact that she's pregnant as an excuse to not be essentially sedated. And it tries essentially to muddle through this pregnancy. And less than a year after their wedding, Prince William is born in June, 1982. Oh, too?

All these key events seem to happen in June and July. Were she born in June and July? Yes. They're married in June or July. I guess it's like a summer wedding. They're there when they get sun once or twice. Summer births are big. Summer births are big.

Which I guess means they're burning in autumn. Christmas time. They have 12 month gestation periods over there. No, six months. Oh, fuck. Whatever. Counting's hard. Counting is hard.

And at this time, Charles and Dinah fighting all the time. And this is when they start properly lashing out at each other. She, like, throws shit at him. He calls her Moody. But also, she's like a 20-year-old new mum. Yeah. With no support. Who wouldn't be Moody?

That's so funny. She's, oh, after all this has happened, she's now the old age of 20. I know. Fuck. Right? Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah, she's a baby.

It's awful. and basically has post-natal depression that's being ignored. Instead of trying to help her, Charles would do these weird things to lift her spirits and then walk away when it didn't work. And this is my favorite example. One time she was crying, and he literally walked her into a room

and put on a record of Super Tramp really loudly. Okay. That would help? Would it? Yeah. For me, yeah, love Super Tramp. Love Super Tramp. What's a...

Give a little bit. That Super Tramp. Wrong audience then. No, no, no, that's bad shit. So she didn't find that particularly useful. Okay. They fight a lot. She gets sassy saying things like, you'll never be king, you know, belittling him.

That's so funny to think that he's like played a song. She doesn't like and he's like, well, I've tried everything. Yeah, he's like, why aren't your spirits instantly lifted? Bitch? Yeah, you bitch. When I hear the tramp, I'm up and about. Yeah. Looks me out of any funk.

He sort of just stuffling. Bop a little bit. Hey? Look at that. You know, Super Tramp are grey. I'm not arguing that. Let's go on the record. We all love, we all love and adore Super Tram.

Super Tram. We know at least that one song. Yeah. Probably more. Probably more. Don't they do that? Take a look at my girlfriend. Oh, yeah, maybe.

If you play that, that'd be about Camilla. Yeah, that's brutal, actually. Don't play that, Charles. Don't play that one? Piece of shit. So all this time, she's trying to be a good parent, she loves being a mom. I mean, there's that.

She really wants to be a good mum. And the Queen is starting to notice that Diana is less poised and more conversational with people that she interacts with. And the media, she's funny and fun. And Lizzie does not like that. And tells her off and it's like you need to be more formal. It's so funny. It is as well for the Queen.

It's like, this is good for the whole family. You're making the people give a shit about you again. Yes. Although they obviously already did. Like positive press instead of just like neutral. like propaganda press. And the public, yeah, I'm loving her. She's a favourite.

She's becoming like a celebrity as opposed to this pristine, untouchable thing. And Charles notices, as we mentioned earlier, how much more popular she is than him. And of course, grows very resentful. And during this resentment period, they go on a royal tour to Australia when William was really little. You would have seen that in the Crown. Yeah. Again, bringing everything back to the Crown.

They filmed in somewhere that did not look like Australia. Yeah, it did not. It really didn't look anywhere like Australia. Not that, I mean, it doesn't really matter. They didn't have Sydney Harbour Bridge or the opera house in the background. Oh, they probably green screened that. Every time. DeGrave Street, DeGraperty.

That's what I was looking for. A tram. Hello. Ding, ding. No, they had, yeah, when they were meant to be in the Outback, it was clearly like Argentina or something. Oh, wow. Clearly Argentina? It was clearly Argentina.

Is your eye that good that you can clear? I'm like one of those TikTok map guys who goes, have you seen those guys on TikTok or like, they just get a photo of dirt and they go, okay, that's red dirt. Yeah, that's definitely in Iowa. I'm going to say in the west of Iowa. Yep, there we go. Three K's off. Wow.

You ever seen those guys? Well, no, but you clearly have, which is why you could identify Argentina or whatever. You're like, easy, Argentina. Wow, look, I'm lying. Whatever it was, I read an article later that said clearly was Argentina or whatever. And I said, yeah, yes. Clearly. Clearly.

Okay, here's a fun fact that I actually just learned last week. So this is actually an addition to the report. Great. But the Melbourne Art Center built a bathroom specifically for Princess Diana. What? Because they were like, you're too good to like piss with the commoners. And it was this enormous underground blue-tiled, like it had those bulbs on the windows. It was this insane like a backstage dressing room that cost them hundreds of thousands of dollars.

And Diana refused to go in it because she was like, this is so uncomfortable. If I want to pee, I just want to go to the bathroom. I don't, because all the staff were, like, excited for her and, like, standing there waiting. They definitely set up a camera in there. They totally would have. Oh, my God. Although, that's why they had the perfect lighting. They made her own special bathroom.

Like, if you're just wanting to pee and everyone's excited for you, like, what were they going to say when she came out? Yeah. How was it? How was it? Fine. It's fine, thank you. Why are you paying so much attention to my bowel movements? Yeah, so she was never interested in being treated.

Does it still exist? No. It doesn't. The Art Center was like, this was a waste of money. It was a pop-up toilet. It was a pop-up toilet. Nobody. Just give her a Port-a-Loo.

Yeah, give her a Port-a-Loo. It feels like, I mean, it was a waste of money, but if they kept it, it would be a fun thing to have now. Yeah. You'd almost think it was worth it for the ridiculous history of it. piss in that? That's what they wanted it to be apparently. That's what this article said. Like, they wanted it to be part of like the tour because you can go on like a backstage tour of the art centre and stuff. Piss where the princess pissed. And they wanted it to be like, look at this amazing

bathroom. But instead now I guess, I don't know, maybe they stored like weird torsosos of dummies in there or something. I don't know. I'm glad you're finished saying with dummies. Yeah. The torso room. Um, so the press. Great room at Comedy Festival. Yeah, I'm doing the torso room this year. Oh, nice. Yeah. So the press just keep loving her And just slowly are actually turning away from loving the royals

Not that they can actively hate them in the press But they're just like, we love this Diana chick She's way better And then of course, because everything happens so quickly She's pregnant again Pregnant again super quickly What was she, where was she trying to smuggle this scene into? This birth, however, happens in September

Oh, Harry, you little pricked I mean, he's close, but yeah. I mean, redhead. Red head, yeah. It was always dodgy. Excuse me. I'm right here. And Diana loves being a mom, but like last time is like super depressed.

The Royals may go see another doctor about her moods, try to put her on Valium and just ignore her. Oh, good Lord. Also, in case this wasn't clear, Charles and Camilla are still boning this entire time. Maybe. Is it possible that Camilla's the real mother? If Charles was burning her. We've already been here for two hours. We do not have time to explain how babies are made.

No. There's simply no time. You couldn't even grasp with a cupboard woman. I'll tell you off the pod, bud. We'll have a chat. I've got some diagrams. Yeah, I just think Fergie could have been involved. Fergie could have been involved.

How do we know? Like if Charles was having two relationships at once, how do we know who the real mother is? You're right. We don't know. I couldn't actually agree with you more about anything. Thank you. Anything at all.

Anything ever. It's like what you say to like a little kid. Yeah. Oh no, you're absolutely right. You're so right. Yeah. And then. Great call.

Do you want a sandwich? I'm quiet. You want a sandwich? A bit of apple. I'll cut up some apple for you. Oh, you want to be an apple. A bit of pineapple. A bit of pineapple too.

Okay. Yeah. Let's have some apple or banana. Okay. Okay. Here's a funny story though. So in 1985, Charles and Diana go to the ballet. I don't know if you've heard of this.

I've heard of ballet. I've heard of ballet. Have you heard of the ballet? A little bear. Yeah, yeah. Something they like to do together. It's like one of the few activities they enjoy doing is going to the theatre and going to the ballet. And during the intermission, Diana is like, oh, just for a sec, I've got to go to the bathroom.

And then suddenly Charles sees her on the stage. And she's wearing this, like, fun little dance dress. And what he doesn't realize is that as a surprise for his birthday, she's been secretly practicing. And she performs a dance routine for him to Billy Joel's Uptown girl. What? What? It was like a fun surprise to be like, look at this cute thing. Wow.

And he gets so mad. Of course he does. Because he's like, you're a showy little bitch. Yeah, and it's not appropriate. And it's not appropriate. But I would be like so touched if my partner was secretly taking dance lessons. That would be amazing. That was so brutal watching the crown.

That's like, you're like, oh, maybe this will, this will melt his cold. She's trying so hard. She loves to dance as well. He couldn't even be like proud of her. to be like, that's cool. Or even neutral. He was angry about it. How dare you embarrass us like this?

I know. The crowd was loving it, obviously, as well. Yeah, of course. Because they're like, you're so cool. Also, what a banger. Banger of a song. You're so not used to people liking something that you mistake it for something you should be embarrassed of. Yeah.

Oh, that's so true. It's like, what's this reaction? Cheers or laughter. They would just get like intimidated looks, which they interpret as joy and respect. Oh, it's so sad. Wow. I did not know that. It's, yeah, it's really sad. It's sad.

I have another story that, I'm sorry, I was going to cut this, but I just couldn't because it's so funny in terms of demonstrating how removed from reality Charles was and is. So I think that there's also like Diana not quite understanding him thinking that he would love a surprise. True. Yeah. Like to be like, this guy would love a surprise. Also, it's like at the ballet and she's big again, like. Like Billy Joel.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They don't know each other. Yeah. They don't know each other at all. But this, okay, so I love this story. So Charles is playing polo one day and he breaks his arm.

As you do when you come off a horse. And he has to go to hospital for rehab. And the media, for some reason, they must be really bored. And they're speculating like, what's the real reason he broke his arm and just tabloid shit? You know, like, the real reason he broke his arm. It's literally like he's so boring. It's polo. There's no scandal.

No ulterior emotions. They're saying stuff like he broke his arm so he could suck his own dick. Like, that doesn't make sense. We're all saying that. And Charles is like, what? You can do that? That's not how it works. Like, yeah, if you don't, if your arm can't touch your dick, then your mouth grows.

Your lips grow longer. You get more flexible, actually. So for some reason, Charles thinks that this is a good idea. He plans a press conference and he, buys a fake arm with a hook on the end of it. Oh my God. And what his plan is is to tell the press that he lost his arm, that it had to be chopped off,

and that now he has a hook hand. And he somehow thinks that this will make him like him, likeable in the public eye. I mean, that feels like he's having a crack at it. It's a good bit. Don't get me wrong. Hookhand. Can't go wrong.

Yeah. But in terms of a royal thing to do, so Diana finds out about this and she shuts it down. Good. She's like, your mom's going to hate this. But instead of saying that to him directly, she says to his staff, tell them, you tell him that you lost the arm. Say it's gone missing. Please don't do this. It will humiliate him and his family and everyone will be bad.

So that's what happens. I would totally let him humiliate himself. I know, but she's too nice. She's so nice. Oh, and he's such a dick to her. I want to know where the hook hand is. Yeah, I definitely want to know where that is. So it never happened.

And what did we find out about this in her own words or someone else's words? I think he even told the story. In his own autobiography, he's like, oh, I had this funny little scheme or however he would phrase it. Oh, my God. Yeah, because, yeah, I imagine people who've lost arms wouldn't have found that hilarious. No, not a prank. To do at a hospital. To bring all of the media to a hospital, it'd be like, oh, my arm had to be decapitated.

Just kidding. I'm just kidding. Don't worry. I've still got my arm. Yes. These losers might not, but I do. And it's not an impromptu thing. He's like planned it and invited the press. It's odd. It's so embarrassing. Yeah, it's very embarrassing.

Yeah. It's bad. It was like we did an April Fool's Day episode a while back and there was a prank with some sort of military guy. And he called a press conference and said there was a nuclear attack happening and all these people died. And then he's like, just kidding, April Fool's. Oh, my God. It's like, read a room, dude. People don't know what a prank is. No, no, no, no, no.

Prank is a whoopee cushion. Or a pin cushion. A pin cushion. That's funny. Pranks are cushion related. Yeah, that's right. That's how it has to be, it has to be done that way. All right, let's stamp the timeline.

It's mid-80s. Charles and Camilla shagging all the time. It is sometimes mentioned in the press, but in weirdly neutral terms because they love the royals. And it's described as, and I hate this. Extramarital chummery. Oh, I'm right on the edge of hate and love there. Chumery is very fun.

Chumarital chumery. It's so disgustingly British. Chumery. Chumery. So speaking of extramarital chumery, Diana, by this stage, is like, fuck it and starts her own affairs. Yes, queen.

Yeah, get it, girl. Yes, princess. She starts, sleeping with her bodyguard, whose name is Barry Manicke. Oh, great name. Later said she was in love with him, but when the Royals found out, he of course got fired. Now, we could do a whole other episode on the conspiracy theories because I had to cut all of that stuff out. Oh, no, people will be shattered.

That's a follow-up episode. We could do that, but this is where one of the conspiracy theory starts, because three weeks after he was fired, he died in a car accident that has a lot of mysterious circumstances. Holy shit, they off him, allegedly. Yes. Fricking hell. Seriously. Oh, that's awful.

But it's, yeah, it's really sad. Yeah. Because he was her friend as well. Yeah. Like he was a genuine, confident, someone that she really liked. So there's this awful death. She's now without physical production of a bodyguard and, you know, she's lost her friend. Oh, my God.

And she's scared. And that, I mean, luckily, that doesn't turn out to be some sort of a royal family M.O. for having people off in suspicious car accidents, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good. So it could have been an accident, because it's a one-off, you assume probably just an accident. Yeah, that's right. Just a one. If it would have happened again for a time, you'd be like, bang on a sudden. But, um, car accident, shame on me once. Yeah. That's the same. The Royal Family. Yeah, that's right. It's a conspiracy.

So the bodyguard to replace Barry was a man named Ken Wharf, who did a lot of his own interviews about this time with Diana. It said she was super down to earth. Everyone just says glowing things about. her. He said she was the best boss he'd ever had. And not long after he started, Diana said, do you know about the affair with Camilla? Like, am I a public joke? Like, does everyone know this really? Can you be honest with me? And he was like, yeah, look, yes. All the staff know. We're covering up for him all the time. This has been happening since you guys started dating. And it just kind of confirmed to her like, wow, fuck. Like people are laughing at me, my whole family. It would just be really humiliating. Even though she already knew it was happening. It was just like, this extra to know that all the staff were in on it and stuff is just yucky.

Not that, but it feels like no, would anyone have been laughing at her? It feels like everyone would have been like, this is unfortunate or were they? I think she would feel. Yeah. Oh, no, I understand that. She was right to feel that way, but they weren't actually going, Diana, you silly girl. No, no, no.

They were probably, if they were laughing at her, it's for probably being like, you think this is weird. Yeah, right. This is normal. But it just, yeah, it just sucks. And she just continues to feel really alone. There's one point in an interview with Diana where she's quoted as saying, I was in tears, sobbing, went to the top lady, which is what she calls the queen,

which I find really sweet. Top lady. I went to the top lady. Because she's normally bottomless the queen. Famously bottomless. But this time, top of her top. You've got to specify. Yeah.

Nips were not out. No. Not this time. Yeah. They were rock hard though. They were rock hard under knees. No bra. But, no, I don't think she would ever wear a bra.

No. Why would you? You're the queen. Too much. Let the corgis out. Which is what she calls her nipples. Let them swing. So Diana begged the queen.

Nipples are swinging. They would. Yeah, they would. I'm not body shaming. I'm not either. Yeah. I think it's beautiful. She's 95 years old.

She's 1905 years old. Yeah, she's 1905 years old. And has been for as long as I can remember. And has been since she was negative 100. That's right. Queen's age up in 390 years increments. Famously. Yeah.

So she said, what do I do about this affair? And the Queen said, I don't know and left the room. Cool. Basically, keep pretending everything's fine. You're weird for even asking. Right. So, timestamp again. We're in the mid-80s.

Sorry to bring up another tragedy, but AIDS is ripping through the world. And there is so much fear. and misinformation and stigma at this time. It is a new disease. People don't know how it's transmitted. There's homophobia associated with it. Racism. It's just fucked.

And Diana was absolutely the first public person to go to hospital wards and touch people who had the disease to, and she did this deliberately because at that time, people thought that being in the same room, like you could get it. They thought it was like an airborne thing. They thought it was COVID. Right. So that's what they like public thought that, but medical people knew. Right.

But they couldn't get the word out. It was so early days. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like remember like even COVID, like there's still misinformation about COVID and that kind of thing. Yeah, people saying it exists. Early days. And I don't think public health awareness was a priority for British people in general.

So she became really passionate about that and being photographed sitting on the beds of these AIDS wards people and talk just talking them like they're humans and that actually changed the perception of AIDS. Right. Hugely. Like all of these AIDS councils still are like, no, no, she was like a people person. Wow. Wow.

Just pretty cool. Save lives probably then. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. In a way. How cool. In a way? In a way.

Yeah. Yeah. So there's a famous photo of her sitting opposite and shaking the hand of a man who had recently been diagnosed with AIDS. He didn't want his face in the newspaper. for obvious reasons. So it was taken from like behind the back of his head. But a nurse on the ward told the media how moving it was that Diana entered the ward without any gloves on and was shaking people's hands.

And, you know, taking that back to her social circles to be like, you know what, this is not how the disease is spread and just, you know, I don't know. It's a pretty cool thing. Treating them like people. Breaking all sorts of protocols in the course of that. Treating them like people. You don't treat them like people. Not wearing her glass. Oh my goodness.

So around this time, this is now where Sarah Ferguson. Okay. Camilla, yeah. Oh, yeah, Camilla. Yeah. So she had a name change. Deedpole? Prince Charles's brother Andrew marries Sarah Ferguson, the original Fergie.

He's the one that doesn't sweat. Is he also the pedophile? Is he the pedophile? Yeah. Allegedly. Oh, sorry, allegedly. So allegedly the pedophile and fernic. is with Fergie.

They're not together anymore. No, no, no. Yeah. But I guess the reason I'm bringing her up is because Diana took her under her wing and showed her all these protocols and showed her around the palace and showed her how to act in Scotland and was like, you, this is all bullshit, but this is what you have to do. Yeah. And I just think it's nice. Because she was like, I didn't have anyone to show me the ropes. I didn't have an ally.

I was on my own and really lonely. I don't want you to feel like that. Yeah. That's awesome. So she told Fergie how it all went. Yeah, how it had. Oh, that's awesome. Because Sarah Ferguson was actually from a slightly lower class background as well,

which the press made fun of her for being, you know, like slightly overweight or slightly less posh and stuff. And Diana was like an ally to her. How funny is that that they're like, oh, you're a bit more regular. Let's make fun of that? Like gross. Not celebrate it? I know. Very strange.

So through Fergie, Diana met a minute. man named James Hewitt and started an affair with him. Charles was still off with Camilla. It was just obvious that this marriage is just a complete sham. Just weird that there were a few years of this. Just sham marriage. Was the bodyguard the red-headed guy? Who was the one that...

That's the James Hewitt, who I just mentioned. Oh, right. So he's the one that people used to say is Harry's real dad, but the timelines are matched. They got together later. Yeah. Harry was already born when she started, well, allegedly. Yeah, yeah. Maybe Sarah Ferguson.

is Harris. She's a redhead. Do we know? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Complicated. We could draw a family tree.

We won't do that. We won't do that. So after this affair and through Diana getting more of her own identity and being involved in charities and stuff, she cut her hair. This is when she cuts her hair. This is when she got the cool, fuck it, wine mom kind of attitude, which I kind of like. She went out more, took her kids. out, like just the three of them would take them to like theme parks and just basically was living

the life of like a single mom anyway. Well like Hollywood on the Gold Coast. Yeah, yeah, pretty much. A little log fest, photos of them doing like a little log rides. She get the three park super paths? Oh, you have to. Bloody hell. Be crazy not to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you going to pay individual prices at each place? That's true. You're dreaming. Uh, oh, right, jumping ahead to 1992. Things for the Royal Family reach a climax when that is not a sexual way either. And enormous fire breaks out in Windsor Castle. It was not suspicious. They have lots of shit and a curtain literally was ignited by a candle.

Oh, wow. Someone lit a candle. I thought no heating. In Windsor Castle you're allowed to. Oh, you're allowed to have one candle per room. One candle per room. Never in Scotland. And it can't be scented.

So they lost a lot of stuff. It was a big deal. It was very stressful. And this is all the while, Diana and Charles's, all of their affairs are in the press. Hey, Dee, can I just interrupt just for one second and say, we'll be right back after these messages. Hey, Dee, please do go on. I just wanted to start by saying I loved those messages. Aren't they good?

They're so good. Yeah, make you think. Yeah, make you think, make you laugh, make you cry. Yeah. Yeah, so all of the affairs are in the papers. The fire has just happened. The Queen at this point, unfortunately. is having a 40th coronation ceremony

and she starts her speech no shit by being really miserable and she essentially says I won't look back on this year fondly I won't wow she's just like everything's fucked yeah I've had a shit one yeah I've had a real shit one yeah interesting it's just yeah everything's kind of imploding

in terms of the royal family and to bring things back to Diana she's trying really hard to be a good mum and a good person in the world raise money for all these causes but in truth is she can't trust people. Her husband is cheating on her, her family, new family never cared about her,

and it ends up coming out that even her therapist was on a retainer with a newspaper for a set amount of money to give stories. Oh, heck. Like, you couldn't trust anyone anymore. That is horrendous. Insane. That's got to be, yeah, that's got to be against some sort of rules.

I think at least 10 rules. it is against, if not just a moral code. Yeah. And that's why like whenever I hear people, you know, talking about Diana being a little bit, you know, hysterical or crazy, I'm like, she was, to me, she was super composed, given all of this shit was happening. Totally.

I would be full bonkers. I'd be doing the Britney Spears with shaving the head and the baseball bat. Like, and fair enough. Yep. Like you're being treated, like, insane by everyone around you. Her version of that was getting slightly shorter hair. That is, wearing bike shorts. Pretty radical.

We're wearing bike shots going on a log ride. So not long after... Not a euphemism for said. Not never, never. So not long after that coronation ceremony in 1992, Diana and Charles gave up and denounce their separation. All the staff say that in some ways they feel a sense of relief. They don't have to keep pretending that things are fine when they're clearly not.

And Diana's secretary said he felt like he was being bullied into automatically always being on Charles's side when he was trying to defend her and stuff so he was like I don't have to pretend anymore and I don't at about this time Diana's quoted as saying every strong woman walks the same path is it it is the strength that causes fear why is she strong where is she taking this and where is she going to use it I don't know but I'll fight to the end wow is this around the time she also said there were three people in our marriage exactly that is coming that is coming up So she's now separated and free from this marriage, but again, back into a new form of sadness and torture.

As part of the separation arrangement, she is not given sole custody. Charles is. Oh, what? So she is only allowed to see her kids on the weekends. Oh, that sucks. That's when she wants to get out and party. Yeah. So she's like, you know.

So she wants to party on a Wednesday. He gets her on school days and she has to look after him all day. That's a doggy, doggy deal. That's a dog deal. That's a dog deal. That's a bloody dog deal. You're being dog by the judge, their dog. Oh, you're a dog.

That sucks. But, you know, surprisingly, she actually is not happy with this arrangement. She feels really lonely and she wants to raise her kids. And there's a quote from her, I want my boys to have an understanding of people's emotions, of their insecurities, of other people's distress and of their hopes and dreams. It's kind of amazing that through all this, she's come out understanding what,

she was missing and knowing that she didn't want to repeat those mistakes because it seems like everyone else in the royal family haven't understood it and have just passed it on generation a generation and even with now like not to jump around too much but even now with william and harry harry's gone off and he's doing his own thing and william's very much part of the royal family still in that weird cult so i always wonder what their relationship is like yeah how's their text because they seem like they were pretty tired at some point they were definitely But yeah, I think with Harry leaving, it's, it's, it's tougher now. It'd be weird.

It'd be strange. It'd probably be better once the Queen's dead. Oh, probably. We're all waiting for that day. Realistically. Really, you hope that the royal family learnt from this whole thing, Diana, that they're not, I mean, you would have thought they would have learned to not alienate outsiders and welcome them more. But obviously, they haven't quite done that, Matt, wouldn't you?

Surely they're not as bad. If there's one thing 90-something-year-olds are good at, it's change. Yeah. Old dogs, new tricks, they love that stuff. I love that. They love a new trick. So while she's separated, she still has her place in society with her charity work and ribbon cutting and whatever, but it is a lot less than it used to be because she's not accompanied

by this royal title anymore. But she still is the people's princess and loved by the everyday person, the common man. And this is when I said, yeah, she enters her wine. mom face, which I say with complete affection, because she has nothing else to do. She has oodles of time, udles of money, and can't see her kids. So she's like, fuck it, I'm going to get into bike shorts and go clubbing, date a whole bunch of cool people, which she does. I can't even list them all.

But they all seem pretty cool. It's like an art dealer guy, whatever. But all, I mean, going off what you said before, she's not enjoying herself still because her only good time in her life happened in the show house in her 20s. Is that right? Yeah, that is true. Or is she enjoying this a bit more? I think she's trying to.

Maybe she's trying to be like making the most of this awful situation, which is what you would do, I guess. Yeah. When you're still young, I don't even know if she's even 30 at this point. Yeah, she's like young. It's crazy. Yeah. But crucially, around this time, and I don't think it's a coincidence, her relationship with the press starts to sour. And it kind of sucks because she's single and allowed to be dating.

And now she's kind of painted as a slut and a bad mom and stuff, even though all of this stuff is out of her control. Are you wondering, is this because the... The power of the, you know, the Buckingham Palace, are they... Surely. Like, poisoning the well? I mean, I don't have evidence of this, but I suspect. Yes, they don't want, they want to freeze her out. Right.

And freeze out any association with her. And make sure no one else tries to follow the same path, probably. Yeah, be like, don't be outspoken. A Fergie, don't do this. Yeah. The classics. And this is when the paparazzi stuff really kicks off into horrible stuff. We talked about hidden cameras as a joke earlier,

but a man actually does that. He goes to her gym and he installed a hidden camera to film her in the changing rooms and while she's working out. And he sells the footage to the well-respected publication Daily Mail who print nine pages of it. What? And he goes to jail, I assume? No, they settle out of court.

But the fact that this was like a commonplace thing is. Like, I don't think, like, we're still pretty tabloidy and trashy, but I don't think you could get away with this shit anymore, hey. No. Like hidden cameras. No, I'm sure you go to jail for that. And blatantly printing nine pages of it. Yeah. And the headline wasn't even good.

Like, they didn't even have a pun. They just wrote die spy sensation. Oh. Dye spy is all right, I guess. But then just adding. Let's workshop it a little bit, guys. I know. And also.

That's horrendous. Dye spy with my little. Dye spy with my, yeah. Yeah. Getting there. Oh, I spy with my little die. Yeah, I spy with my little die. There we go.

Cute. We should email the editor. Yeah, let him know. So this is one of the only times that Diana is actually like this sucks. This is too far. And she does sue him. Settled out of court, which, again, is not really spoken about as though anything had actually happened. So her relationship with the press moved from a celebrity photo here and there to targeted harassment.

and the paparazzi are getting more and more aggressive. They shout things at her like the C word, which I shan't say. Crown. Crown. They say crowny. Coronation. Hey, coronation. Or bitch to get a reaction.

Do you think of bitch as a C word? I mean, it has a C in it. Yeah, it's close to it. A, B.C. Yeah. That's a family. Okay. So any word beginning with A, B and C is a C word.

It's a C word. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That works. Yeah, thank you, Jeff. Thank you. It's like anything from D.E.F.

is an F word. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, you dog. Don't drop the F word. Edit that out. Time stamp where that was and get rid of it. So, yes, the relationship with the press becomes really bad. Naturally, there are times when she loses her cool and shouts back at them.

And, of course, those photos are worth more because she's showing emotion and it sucks. Like, one horrible example is the week that her grandmother passes away, which the press definitely knew. just happened. Diana has custody of her kids that weekend and she takes them to see the movies to see Jurassic Park. Fun. Fun. Great movie. She's like, I'm going to try to do something nice for these kids, see an amazing film. And as she's trying to leave the cinema, the press is shouting abuse at her and one of them throws a paper cup at her. And Diana turns around and ends up shouting back, why don't you rape someone else? Which speaks to how violated, you know, Fuck.

She's a pretty fucking good comeback to shout back at someone, to be honest. Like, it's to really try to get them to understand how horribly violated she's feeling. Like, it's a horrible thing to say, but it's also like an accurate feeling. At such a vulnerable time. Yes. It's just like. A paper cup. Come on.

But just like screaming bitch and just like, yeah, it's just crazy. Like, don't you think it's also embarrassing for whoever it was that they threw a paper cup? They're like actively shoving her as well. They're like shoving her to get her reaction. It's awful. But it's just so funny that a paper cup, like the lightest, it would have been, she would have been like, what are you doing? Yeah.

What are you? Have you thought about how ridiculous? Yes. I mean, you're being awful, but you're also, like, this is. You're being pathetic. So pathetic. Yeah. Yeah.

But she even comes out. On every level. She even comes out and is embarrassed sometimes at yelling at them and says, I know it's just a job and they have to do it. But I do sometimes wish they. wouldn't. That is so classy. And I'm like, that's so fucking classy for people who are screaming at you and pushing

your kids in the cinema and stuff. Yeah, no one has to do that job. Exactly. Nobody has to. But, like, it is a real cultural thing that, like, in the UK, their paparazzi was crazy and still is crazier than ours. I can't, like, she just can't try. So she's being filmed in private places.

Her therapist is selling her innermost thoughts. It's unbelievable. I had no idea. year it was this bad. Yeah. Neither did I until I really did the deep dive. And I think that's when I was almost more impressed with her composure. Yeah.

Oh, absolutely. Like there are less, there are not as many photos of her yelling or anything than you would expect when you find out about these details. I don't remember any of those photos of her yelling. I just remember always being super chilled out. But inside she must have just been like, like I have no emotional regulation whatsoever. Like if one of you said a joke to me, I'd cry or whatever.

Like, I just am a little bit. baby. I don't know how these people do it 24-7 and they're being monitored. You'd just be a shell of a person. Yeah, you would. You'd get home and just sleep, I guess, all the time. And not in a cool way. Yeah, not a cool way. Not a cool way. Sad sleep.

And not a restful way. I remember being confused by what the obsession was with her. You know, you're ever at a supermarket, every magazine cover seemed to have her photo. Yeah. I just, I didn't get it. But do you reckon, do you understand going through it why people were so obsessed with her? Yeah, because of how she was in terms of being not like the royal family. Yeah.

And also a victim of an affair. Yeah. So there was all of that, you know, tabloids love a scandal. And then when they separated, they had more to go on because they're like, she's actually going out now. So I don't agree, of course, with the press. But when you think of it, unfortunately, like that, you know, they're there to make money. It's interesting. It's celebrity scandals.

People love them. Yeah. Ugh. So gross. So, okay. time stamp 9093 she's had enough of this harassment and announces a resignation of sorts which is something that harry did yeah and it's quite difficult to wrap your head around the logistics of it because she doesn't have to resign she doesn't she's not employed yeah but the reason she's doing it is to basically say back off yeah right

she's still doing a charity work and stuff but it's just a public statement to say please leave me alone yeah So she doesn't have to resign. There's no job. And she's still doing her charity work. Yeah. And she's not a blood royal either. No. No.

So it's not like, yeah, exactly. It's actually very different to Harry because she's not even leaving her family. It's just more saying like, so part of her statement, I won't read the whole thing. But she's saying, I was not aware of how overwhelming the attention would become, nor to the extent to which it would affect my public duties and personal life in a manner that's been extremely hard to bear. I hope you can find it in your hearts to understand and give me time and space that has been lacking in recent years. So it's more just a statement to be like back the fuck off. Very reasonably said too.

Just subtly saying, have a look at yourselves. Yeah. Think about what you're doing. I'm just a person. You're being weird. I'm just a gal with a great hair cut leaving alone. And bike shorts. And the bike shorts.

We cannot forget. Also worth noting is that they remain separated for many years. actually get properly divorced until 96. So it's this weird stretched out separation, which again fuels a lot of the media stuff because they're speculating like, what will the divorce look like, how much money will she get,

and probably just making all of this shit up. But it adds fuel to that fire. And just seemingly to get ahead of the press in 94, Charles has a one-on-one interview with the BBC and he confirms that he is now dating Camilla. Oh, he's met a, the lady. That early.

Yeah. So even before the official divorce. But it was definitely a PR thing. Because he's like, I just want everyone to know that we gave our marriage a good crack. It just didn't work out. You know, he's trying to get ahead of whatever Diana will say. Because she has actually remained completely silent this whole time. Is there any reason to believe that she's going to say anything or she's going to try and make him look bad in the press?

He will probably think that when the divorce is finalized, she'll kick off. Maybe. Is there anything to suggest that? Like, she's always been pretty... I mean, she... I mean, she has mood swings and... She might be honest. She's very moody.

Oh, yes. Well... I assume it's a standard PR thing that the Royals do. I just assume it's part of their weird deal. Right. So it's this big official interview that's really more of a propaganda thing. And I don't know if you guys have heard of the revenge dress. Oh, yes.

So the revenge dress is a thing where Diana knows that this BBC interview with Charles is going to be aired that night. And she goes, right, I have two options. I can stay inside and hide while he says all these lies about our marriage. Or I can pretend it's not going to happen. And that's what she does. She wears this super hot, black, off the shoulder number and goes to a party. And she looks hot as fuck. And she's like, I don't care.

So that's why that dress is sort of known as a revenge dress because she's like, I want you to know that whatever you say about me and whatever lies, I'm going to keep living my life. You know. And she said that. It's not just like she went out and wasn't really thinking about it. Oh, no. It's definitely all premeditated.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A premeditated dress. Big time. Big time. My goodness. And also, I wouldn't want to just be at home knowing that that was being televised and everyone was judging me. Yeah.

Is that in her own words, a revenge dress? I don't think that was her own words. I think that was the press called it that. But I think every woman should have a revenge. You've got to have a revenge dress in the cupboard. Of course. That's what she's there for to protect the revenge dress. Oh, okay.

Why don't you say that earlier? Try to get it and she goes, yeah, she hisses. Yeah, yeah, she'll bite. Yeah. It's pretty gross. It's pretty full on, actually, yeah. Important role.

The following year, Diana did her own interview with the BBC, and that's where she publicly stated that she felt the royal family were waging a campaign against her and that she felt unsafe. She, leading up to this interview, she'd been taking public speaking lessons, even though she was really eloquent and articulate, but she was so scared of saying the wrong thing. So she was really, really prepared. She says, I am a threat to the royal family because I don't go by their rulebook. And this is where she drops that famous line. There were three of us in the marriage, so it felt a bit crowded.

Wow. But here's a fun twist. Okay. Compared to Charles BBC interview, this one was very unethical. So this journalist, Martin Beshear, a former senior judge and well-established journalist, it turned out he lied a whole bunch to get Diana to agree to the interview and to reveal more stuff. So the BBC sat around and forged documents to make it look like everyone in her life was getting paid off. So they had a fake bank statement with her brother's details on it, her brother Charles, brother Charles.

What? What? that showed daily mail payments going in and they showed it to her and they said look even your brother wow that is awful the bbc fucked up it was only two years ago that they finally got in trouble about that and that's because harry was pushing for it whoa so this journalist a well-established yeah BBC journalist is sitting there saying look you can't trust anyone and she already can't but he's coming up with forged documents yack just a manipulator so yuck oh my God, I didn't know that.

And that interview won a BAFTA. Fuck off. Like, it's just insane levels of, yeah, deceit and just... It's so unethical, yeah. Yeah, so it was only two years ago that their BAFTA got revoked, and they issued a statement being like, ooh, we're so, oh, who's all we for doing that. Oh, whoopsie! Whoopsie!

Well, anyway, so... The BBC. The BBC. She's a C word, of course. Yeah, it's a triple C word. Triple C word. Beautiful C word. There's a lot going on.

Big corrupt Cs. What's the big corrupt corporation. Corporation. Thank you. Couldn't think of another C word. Corporation. There's not really a lot to say between the years of 95 and 97 because she actually is lying low and she's also dating a cool heart surgeon guy by the name of Hasnacht Khan, who is a

British Pakistani heart surgeon. It sounds like they were deep. in love and trying to just lay low but he actually ended it because he said to her we can never have a normal life because of who you are and i find that really sad that is really sad because it seems like that could have been an opportunity yeah all she wanted was a normal life all she wanted it's not it's not she's like actively avoiding the press and then he's like sorry i can't have a normal life with you i just want to go to bottomless brunch and we can't i know it's like we all just want to be bottomless yeah like just we should be like to be winnie the poo it's a human

desire. He knew that going in. I know. Yeah, why be together for a couple of years or, you know. I guess that's fair, you know, it's fair enough to change your mind and stuff,

but it does feel like, yeah. It's sad. I guess we never really know of, of course. Like the circumstances, but of course, in my eyes, Diana,

it's perfect. So June 1997. Okay, June. Another, this is obviously... June, another pivotal mom. Yeah. It's always June. In June 97, Diana starts dating a man named Doty Al-Fayed, who you might recognize that name.

So his upbringing, he's the son of a man named Muhammad Al-Fayed, who's a billionaire business guy and owner of Harrod's department store. Do you guys actually know Harrods? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So it's like a boogie David Jones. I think it's even posher than David Jones. Even posh of David Jones. Well, to me, we've established I can't even afford an awful airbus.

in being. Oh, no, look, I understand. That's posh to me. Yeah, no, it is, it's posh to me too, but it's funny to use that as a marker. That is the mark. Even posh. Even posh. And a very cool thing about Doty's dad, Muhammad, is that he hates the British upper class establishment and the royal family. So you assume that his son maybe also feels like that. And again, this is me totally speculating, but maybe they bonded over that. Yeah. Yeah, those guys suck. They suck. And they holiday together in France. They go yachting. It's like a really cute, hot, sexy romance. She would have been like, wow, you can do this on holidays? I thought you just had to sit in the cold.

I thought you had to just sit there in silence in the cold and watch the queen walk around naked. It's actually so much more you can do. It's a very intense romance. Diana is being flown back and forth from London to wherever he is in the world. Like he will fly his private jet tour and helicopter and be like, meet me in Paris and it's cute and hot and fantasy stuff. In August 10th, 97, exclusive photos are published in the tabloids of Diana and Doty having a smooch.

The photos themselves aren't even scandalous. They're just hanging out. But journalist Michael Hobbes, who I don't know if you know his podcast you're wrong about. Oh. He does a little of like myth-busting of popular staff. he did a deep dive series into Princess Diana he describes these photos of Doody and Diana

as being the ones that killed her not literally obviously but for the last few years photos of Diana hadn't been worth much because she had just been laying low she was in a sort of long term relationship and she wasn't doing much but these new ones of her with a billionaire's son

on a yacht they sell for two million pounds whoa wow and previously photos of Diana had been worth about one or two hundred so shit yeah it's big so paparazzi go wow diana's big again we need to start we need to chase her yeah we need to chase her yeah these photos are very valuable because more stories can be written and it can now be more scandals about her and now oh she neglecting her sons amazing that the tablets can make like make that money

back and make a profit off it that's so wild that it's yeah it's weird to think about handing someone a check for two million pounds in in the 90s for like two photos so you can put some photos in a magazine that how many magazines you have to sell based on them to at least 10 20 copies i mean i guess i don't know how much they cost back then hundred grand each or whatever probably i think yeah but yeah it's crazy it's crazy so they that really changes things that changes diana's relationship again the paparazzi start harassing her again which she had been able to avoid for the last couple of years So on the 22nd of August 1997, Diana leaves London for the last time to go on a cruise with Doty. And they cruise around France for a week.

And on August 30th, return to Paris via a private jet. So we are in her final days now, folks. I'm sorry. So the circumstances of her final days are as follows. Dode's family own the Ritz Hotel in Paris as well as a small apartment nearby. So they fly into Paris and from the airport are driven to the Ritz Hotel by a man named Henri Paul, who is head of security of the hotel. He's not actually a driver.

He's head of security, but they get him to do it. And they were only going to stay in town for the one night. It was William's birthday and Diana wanted to buy him a present. Oh, William's birthday. Yeah. I didn't know that. No, me either. And separately, Doty wanted to do his own shopping.

And he, when he was away from Diana for an hour or two, went engagement ring shopping. But by all accounts, the press were everywhere and paparazzi were like hounding them. So neither of them really got to do the little dumb errands that they wanted to anyway. Yeah. They had two little extra. I mean, it's already a, it's obviously a sad story, but what heartbreaking details. I know, I know. Her son, every birthday is reminded of this.

Yeah. She was maybe about to get engaged and start a new life. It's such a mundane thing that she wasn't able to do because there were literally crowds of cameras and stuff. Like just buying a gift. So Diana and Doty in the evening are like, we don't know what to do tonight. They go to the apartment and they thought that that would be more private than the hotel. but there are photographers everywhere. They're camped outside in chairs.

It's awful. They're throwing stuff. Yeah. And you can only assume they brought those chairs up the butt. That's the only way to carry a chair. Yeah, how is you going to bring them? Famously. Actually, this is France.

We don't know. Oh, I don't know how that dot over there. It might be a different orifice. Yeah. And it's around 7pm. This is, keeping in mind, these are normal people with appetites. They don't live in this apartment. There's no food.

And this is before Uber Eats. So they're like, We're hungry. We do need to leave this apartment, unfortunately. It wasn't before 13-1-1-6. Pizza Hut delivery. Wow, is that what the messages who were from earlier? Yeah, God. I hope so.

We wish we could get Pizza Hut. Oh, imagine. Getting that Pizza Hut point. So they had reservations to go to a nearby restaurant, but that is already packed with people. So they're like, fuck this. We're just going to go to the Ritz Hotel. At least your family owns it. Maybe we'll have a little bit more privacy.

And there's room service. And there's room service, but not totally the case because photographers are loitering. They eat really quickly. They have a couple of drinks and they're kind of stressed because they're like, we just want somewhere to sleep tonight and then go back to London tomorrow. After dinner, they're trying to work out how to go back to the apartment because by now the hotel is like just swarming with paparazzi. Wouldn't they all those, the paparazzi also be like, well, we're not all going to get two

million dollars. There's now going to be every scenario there's going to be like a hundred photos of it from different angles. So they're diluting their own thing. None of them would be worth much money. Their photo will be the one where you can actually see a face instead of just each other. They're actually just taking photos of each other's hair. You've got to be in it to win it.

And yeah, they've also, that's not making them all strive to go a step further and a step too far. Yeah. It's true. Yeah. Like literally weaseling their way in and stuff. It's awful. And here is a very interesting, important thing that I didn't actually know about.

Henri, the person who collected Doty and Diana from the airport, that guy I mentioned, the head of security, he's called back to work that evening to drive them from the hotel to the apartment. But he had clocked off. He'd done his duty for the day. He wasn't, like, rosted on, and he'd been drinking all after that. Oh, shit. He'd been at various bars. Like, fair enough.

He was allowed to. He clocked off. He picked up these celebrities in his eyes. dropped him at the hotel and then his duty was done yeah he's done but for whatever reason and it's still to this day unclear why dody called him he obviously just trusted him yeah trust probably he was head of security his family hotel yeah but he probably trusted him too much if he didn't say i'm not right to drive too much and again we don't know what that conversation looked like maybe again henri was like terrified of losing his job it felt like he couldn't say no we don't we

don't know. This is again me just speculating. Doty was like, hey, it's cool to drink drive. Don't worry about it. Hey, actually it's cool. It's actually really cool. It actually makes me want you to drive us even more. He's wearing sunglasses. I actually drive better when I'm drunk, so. It's actually totally fine. So, yeah, for whatever reason, Henri leaves the bar, goes to the Ritz Hotel to drive

them to the apartment. And while waiting for Doty and Diana to finish their drinks, he has two more drinks. Oh, my God. Just for a little more confidence. It's real bad. It's real bad. Oh, that's not a good decision. So at just after midnight,

Diana and Doty are quietly escorted out of the back of the hotel into a black Mercedes-Benz. And four people get into this car. Diana, Doty, Henri, the driver. And a paparazzi. They're like, what are you doing here? And a man, and Camilla Parkerball. And a man named Trevor Reese Jones,

who is Doty's bodyguard. So there are four people in the car, and this is how strategic they have to be about the press. A decoy car is already there waiting to drive out first. So they're hoping that people think that's the Mercedes-Benz that's in it. It's a decoy car, and that actually works for like a couple of meters. It's only five kilometres between the hotel and the apartment. So they think it's not even a long drive, even if this decoy thing doesn't work. It's five kilometers.

they leave out the back of the hotel and somehow the press realized that there's no one in the decoy car. It's a self-driving Tesla or something. They instantly go, well, the next one definitely is them, that next Mercedes. They realize no one's in it because it just rolls straight into a brick wall at like 5Ks an hour. Yeah, it's just like a veering on. I don't think there's anyone in that. Anyone at all? So the press rush around to chase the actual car.

It doesn't sound like there was much actual reckless driving for the first few minutes, but once they hit a red light, the press catch up to them, keeping in mind there's cars and motorbikes and flashing cameras, and it's midnight and the driver has been drinking. So when the light turns green, the driver guns it and speeds along the freeway towards a tunnel. and it's estimated he was driving around 100 miles an hour when he entered the tunnel, which is about 160 kilometers an hour. The press continued to chase him in the tunnel and Henri driving a speeding car at night and has been drinking, which we later discover, has been about nine to ten shots of scotch.

Oh my God. No food. I didn't know that either. There's so many details I didn't know. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't know that either. I think I knew that he'd been drinking. I didn't realize quite so much.

Like obviously the paparazzi is still part of it, but that is also part of it. Yeah, it's a fair part of it. So with all of these facts laid out, it's not really a surprise that the car did crash in the tunnel. And Diana, Doty and the driver, Henri, are dead at the scene. But the bodyguard, Trevor, manages to survive with a lot of injuries. Wow. So it's just a tragic. There's not much else I have to say because I don't want to get into conspiracies and stuff.

Right. Did Trevor survive long, like he's still alive? I think he's still kicking. So has he ever told his story? As Doty's bodyguard? Yeah. I don't know if he would have that much juicy information because they were, those two were only dating for a couple of months.

Right. But he, I mean, he could tell the story of that night. He could tell the story of that night. I haven't really looked into it. That would, yeah, I imagine that would be. really sad reading about. Yeah. I got real bummed out and I was like crying last night about it.

I was just thinking, it just feels like you've underdone this report a bit. You're not chasing down every angle. It's actually embarrassing. This is only going to be the longest episode we've ever done. I'm so embarrassed about that. That's not enough for me. I want more. This is insane.

I'm assuming soon you're going to talk about Darren Jarman in the 97 grand final. Obviously, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's coming. That's another 3,000 words. Now, that's when I truly get heartbroken. That's when you're going to tune in. No, that's when I'll tune out. I can't hear about that.

You can't go there. Understandable. Traumatic. So, look, the rest of my report is really just saying how sad it is, which doesn't really need to be said. She was just 36 when she died. I was thinking that the whole time. I was like I don't know how old she was. In my head, she was like 40s.

I know, yeah, 36. Wow. Yeah. Awful. And her kids are like, you know, early teens and. And she died on her. Yeah, 15 and 12. That sucks.

So every birthday. For Will, it's also his mum's death anniversary. Very close to. Yeah, a very close anniversary. So sad. That sucks. I just want to get one more like dig at the royal family. Sure.

Oh, yeah. While I can. Get in there. Which is that I don't know if you saw any photos from the funeral, but Charles and Harry and William are walking behind the car that has her casket in it. It's actually quite a long walk and it's slow and it's their children. And Harry has since said this. statement, which is, my mother had died and I had to walk a long way behind her coffin

surrounded by thousands of people watching me while millions more did on television. I don't think any child should be asked to do that. Yeah. And it was actually Charles. It was the dad that forced them to do that because of tradition. Isn't he, he's got great instincts, I reckon, Charles. A good daddy. He knows how people think.

Not a nice note to end on, I aware, but I just really want to drive home if it's not clear how fucked the royal family is. And that is a good point, that what they put those kids through is awful. And they've both talked about that. Yeah, how brutal that was. Yeah, how awful that was. They should have been hidden and protected and grieving, not like sitting there like little props. Grieve publicly, but not, don't be, don't cry or anything.

That's inappropriate. And isn't it so funny that even knowing all of that, the media still seem to be like, Harry, how dare you leave this family? Yeah. That's done so much for you. Well, he mentioned. her, of course, in the statement when he was resigning as well. He was like, I saw what happened with my mum and I don't want my kids to go through that.

Awesome. I love that. I reckon I would stick with it. The difference when you and me, Jess, I just feel like I stick things out sometimes whether I should or shouldn't. But you would be like, no, this is fuck. I quit. Matt, one of the things that Matt admires the most in me is my ability to say no to things. So good.

I am, maybe I'm a lot like you, Matt. I would stay in this weird cult for sure. Because I'd be like scared to speak about. I'd be like, maybe it's actually fine. Yeah. This is just how it is. Yeah. I'm jealous of people that can say no or yes.

Yeah. I have an opinion. I don't necessarily think I am someone who's great at saying no, but Matt admires it in me when I do. Yeah. So that's really saying something. Yeah. That every now that I say no.

We'll get into that later. Matt appreciates it. Hey, so knowing how this story ends, is that how she got her nickname Princess Die? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Matthew. She was just...

She was just Diane before that. Right. Diane. And then now she's famously... Dead. Dead. So she got the nickname. There you go.

Wow. I didn't know that. There was a lot in there I didn't know. So much bits and pieces I did. There was actually just too much in there. But I feel like I should apologize for it. No, please stop apologising, D. Michelle Brazier came on and summarized every Fast and the Furious movie.

There's so many. There's so many. There's so many. So you gave us an abridged life story of somebody who had a big life. Sad life. A big sad life. And people love the epic apps. They do.

Can I end with some words from Diana herself? Please. In her own words? These are Diana's words in her own words. These are Diana's words in her own words from my own voice. Oh, wow. Can you do her own voice in your own voice? I could do a different celebrity.

Okay. Who could you do? Adele? I'll do a day. Al-A-Lam Adele, what's how I go into Adele. I've had a nose job and I won't talk about it. No, but I... It's so weird.

Normally you should just talk about your nose jobs. You should. Why are you doing... You're doing to Adele what they did to Diana. Oh my God. Yes, just as bad. Just as bad. Just so you know Matt's pointing at me.

Very aggressively. Just as bad. Just as bad. I didn't realize you were a pappy. A pappy. Pappy D. Pappy D. That's what people call me.

now you know why. So I will end with these words and then you will be like, please leave. And it was actually hard to choose a little quote to finish on because she actually said a bunch of cool stuff. Yeah. I don't think she was full of shit. I'll end with this. She says, the biggest disease in this world is feeling unloved.

Every one of us needs to show how much we care for each other and in the process care for ourselves. Oh, that's so nice. So we've got to be kind and be good people. Hey, D. love you. Thank you. I've been waiting three hours for you to say that.

Thank you so much, guys. Thanks so much for coming on the show and telling us all about, I honestly didn't think I was interested in this at all, but I found that story fascinating. It's so grim and tragic. This is going to be a real slog. I know. It's hard.

It was obviously sad to write. So thank you for interjecting with humor where I was just going to probably cry and stuff. I appreciate it. I hope it was a bit cathartic to finally get that story. out after spending so much time nine months ago, writing it. I know it's been pent up inside of me. Oh my God. I didn't even connect that.

You've had this in 30 for nine months and you finally got it out of the world. I even like was going to message a friend and say, if I don't get to do this, can I just read it to you? Yeah. Like, that's objectively a more psychotic thing to do. Definitely, but you've got to get it out. Now it's out. I don't have to talk to my friend like that.

Yeah, you can just chat to your friend about normal friend stuff. I don't know what that is. Ah, we'll figure it out. I don't know what friendship is. You've got to come back in nine months or so and do an episode about the conspiracy theory. I will. In nine months, exactly, I'll have a baby. We really should do it in June or July.

We have to do it in June or July. We're all going to forget these references, though. Oh, 100%. Hopefully someone reminds us on Twitter. I hope so. Hopefully. And speaking of, where can Dugo and listeners find you if they want to, you know, follow you on across social media?

I spend too much time on the internet on Twitter at Figgle. and on Instagram at Fidge, which is my surname. Yep. And that's pretty much it because I don't know what a website is. Yeah, and again, if there's any web designers listening, if you wanted to help D-D-out, that would be greatly appreciated. Or just help me out in general. If anyone wants to be nice to me, help me out, help me move house.

Yeah. You've got a princess die. Tea towel. Maybe you could deliver that around. Great. That'd be good. But yeah, thank you, Dee. Thank you so much for being involved in this record,

what I assume is a record breaking up. episode. But it'll be close. It's right up there with Michelle's one about Fast and Furious Length. I love that. I love being on part with Michelle. Thank you so much, guys. Tuesday.

Thanks. And we're back in the room. Thank you so much. Once again to Dee Fidge for coming in, telling us all about, all about, comprehensively, about the life of Princess Diana. It was a very fun episode. D is an incredibly funny writer, just an incredibly funny person. So I mean when I say you should absolutely go follow her on Twitter.

She's so, so funny. She's a great writer. And it was an absolute delight to finally get her on the podcast after such a long time of planning it. Now, you might have been able to tell by now that it's just me, Jess, here with you, doing the Patreon alone in my study. at night. I'm standing this time because the last couple of times I've had to do this myself, I've felt really out of breath the whole time. So we'll just see how I go this time. But yeah, it's time for a very important part of our show. And that is where we get to thank a bunch of

our patrons who support us over at patreon.com forward slash do go on pod. And I've got a few things to get through. So the first thing that I would love to do is thank a few people on our Sydney Shineberg deluxe immemorial level and they get to give themselves a fact they get to give themselves a title and they like to ask us a fact quote or a question

and it has a little jingle it goes a little something like this fact quote or question and the first fact quote a question for this week comes from Kate Hopna Kate has given themselves a title acting director of always panicking about something

and Kate honestly so grateful that you hear. It's nice to have somebody in charge of panicking about something, because otherwise, I'm doing it myself all the frickin' time. So it is kind of nice to have that sort of that delegated to someone, if you know what I mean. Anyway, Kate has asked a question. It says, do you have a favorite song where your name features in the title?

Mine is Kate by Ben Folds 5. That's a good one. Love Benfolds 5. Where your name is in the title. The, oh, somebody, I'm going to check on Spotify and see if it triggers my memory. The first one I can think of is Regina Specter has a song called Jessica, which I do quite like, but it's also like, it's a sad kind of. Not sad, it's just not the most upbeat song.

Oh, Major Laser, and Ezra Cronick have a one called Jessica. You don't see heaps with just Jess, to be honest. And that was always a bit of a sticking point for me. You know how, like, as a kid, you'd want to get, like, a key ring with your name on it or like, I don't know, just anything personalised, little personalised number plates and stuff like that, little novelty ones, always said Jessica. You could never just get Jess. And as you know, Jessica makes me feel like I'm in trouble.

If I look up just Jess, of course, Jesse's girl comes up, just like Jesse James by Cher, Stacey's balm came up, which makes no sense. It doesn't have Jess in it at all. but yeah if you're a singer-songwriter out there can you just write a song called Jess please a lot of Jessica's but you know and oh

I found one from Trey Gruber don't know if it's good but it's my new favourite song Night Hikes also have one okay there's a few I don't know about Matt and Dave can't answer that question for you on their behalf so I apologise about that

if you want to you know at them and ask them directly but thank you, Kate, for answering your own question as well. Kate by Benfolds 5. Don't know if I know that specific song. I probably do, but I'll go listen to it. I promise. Our next fact, quite a question comes from Jessica English.

Now, Jessica, I just spent quite a long time saying, I didn't like being called Jessica. You probably do, given that's how you've written your name. And so, look, I was just saying, I just want to make it very clear that that was, entirely my feelings. You know, my parents named me Jessica specifically to call me Jess. So I've been Jess my whole life and got Jessica when I was in trouble. So really it's my parents problem. Anyway, Jessica English has given themselves a title. I don't know. I've never been

good at improv. It's pretty funny as well because what Jessica's actually written is I've never been good at improve. And that has that made me chuckle a little bit on the inside. Jessica's given a suggestion. Love a suggestion. Always welcome those. And the suggestion is, have been wondering for a while if you could all do a master episode post in the Patreon Facebook group similar to what you do on the public Facebook page. That way, all the comments, links, etc. People post specific to the episode are in one place. And when we, I, listen to old episodes or are catching up, we can enjoy the banter of the nicest place on the internet by finding the one post. Really appreciate everything you do. highlight of my weeks and new episodes and the highlight of my summer was Matt's episode on the

greatest beer run followed quickly by an awesome book cheat. Oh so good. That is a really good suggestion. I kind of have a very vague memory of us. Maybe doing that in the past and I don't really know why it disappeared but you're right. Why double up? As in for you guys you sort of have to like go between the public Facebook page and the Patreon Facebook group. Great suggestion. I am going to hopefully remember to message Matt and Dave that right away so that we remember because otherwise I'm seeing them in two days to record some podcasts. I'll forget. We know I'll forget. Thank you, Jessica, for your suggestion. Our next fact, quote, a question comes from Claire Norris. Claire has given themselves the title of onomestition of the pod, fun. And Claire has given

a fact. And this fact is. Hi all, not to brag, as this is a fact. But I think I found my favorite professional sports name in history. A big call. All right, let's see. John Oscar Dickshot, or better known as Ugly Johnny Dickshot, was a major league baseball player in the 30s and 40s, according to Wikipedia.org, which I assume is

some kind of baseball encyclopedia. he often referred to himself as the ugliest man in baseball. Choosing the all-ugly team for each league was an annual tradition in minor league baseball and Dick Schott was named to the Southern Association's All-Ugly Team in 1935. Jesus Christ. The next year, Dick Schott named the members of the International League's All-Ugly Team. He chose himself as the left fielder and team captain. Dick Schott was later named to the International League's All-Ugly Team in 1939.

brutal, but at least he's sort of like he's leaning into it. He's in on the joke. So that's nice. And Claire is finished by saying, thanks for everything you all do. Keep up the awesome podcasting. Oh, thank you, Claire. Appreciate that.

And a great, great fact there. Dickshot is an incredible surname. You don't hear of many dick shots. Not enough dick shots out there, if you ask me. And our next fact, quote, a question comes from Kelly Clark, who's given themselves a title, indentured non-Mole at Fortress of the Mole People. We love the Fortress of the Moles.

And Kelly's asked a question. Says, we know from the Julie Andrew Zep, how you'd infiltrate human society, were you a part of the glorious fortress of the mole people? My kind hosts would to know, where do you least expect mole kind to be? Okay. Okay, that I took a sec,

because Kelly has, every now and then, a letter is in brackets. And the letters in brackets spell out, help me. So Kelly, I'm going to, I'm just going to, where do I least expect Mollkind to be? I suppose, based on your clues, they could be anywhere. They could be all around us. Where do I least expect them to be? I don't know. in the doctor's office, the supermarket, in my very own home.

And I'll come, I'll come find you, Kelly. You just hang in there, then I'll be there soon. It's funny because Kelly probably wrote that quite some time ago. In fact, I can see when that was submitted, and it was, yeah, a couple of months ago now. So we can only assume that Kelly is dead, and long may Kelly rest in peace. Thank you to Kelly, Claire, Jessica and Kate. and the next thing I would like to do is give a little shout out to some of our supporters who are on the associate producer arse prod level I believe and what we like to do here is we usually play a little bit of a game and I've just realized I edited this podcast last week and I don't remember that many of the riffs um okay princess die princess die uh okay what about a song that you would do

a little dance to to impress Prince Charles Look, it's dumb Is it one of my dumbest? No So, okay, first and foremost I would love to thank From, oh my God, deep within the fortress of the moles, one of Kelly's captors

I would love to thank Kate Godorky What an incredible name if I've said that right, Kate. Incredible stuff. And Kate, I'm looking at Billy Joel. Obviously I know Billy Joel's songs I just sort of want like other stuff. Oh, well, okay, Kate was inspired obviously by one of our Patreon bonus episodes

where we, where Matt, I should say, went through every reference in We Didn't Start the Fire. So Kate is actually doing a dance, an interpretive piece to We Didn't Start the Fire. It's actually quite beautiful. Yeah. So thank you, Kate. I'd also love to thank from Wallaceburg in Canada, Rebecca. Rebecca is doing a dance to a Phil Collins track. You Can't Hurry Love.

One of his biggest songs. Could I have gone for any of the great Disney stuff? Of course, but that's not what Rebecca's chosen. Doing a dance to you can't hurry love. Prince Charles gave it a solid 8 out of 10. And that's just because he likes to always encourage people to believe that there's room for improvement. So Rebecca, that's a pretty high school. Congratulations.

Next, I would love to thank from Staten Island in New York, Michael Driscoll. Michael Driscoll has chosen to dance to a fellow Michael's song. He's doing a dance to Michael Jackson's Beat It. And it is, honestly, rivals MJ's dance moves. Everyone's like, whoa, we didn't know you could dance like that. And Michael's like, honestly, I didn't know I could dance like that. I think I've been possessed by the ghost of dance. And it's a truly, truly beautiful thing.

You've got to say it. From Pascovale South in Victoria, I would love to thank Alex. Pretty. Pretty is an incredible surname. I'm sure people probably make jokes about it. I fricking love it. That is great. And Alex is actually chosen to dance to Pretty Fly for a White Guy from the Offspring.

Yes, there is a lot of just jumping up and down in the chorus. But it's done in a way that evokes so much emotion, Alex. So thank you so much. It's truly, I'm getting a bit choked up just even thinking about it. It was incredible. Next, I would love to thank from Bremen in, Germany, Peter, Timple. Timple is fun.

And Timple reminded me of Timmy Trumpet. And Peter has done a dance to Freaks by Timmy Trumpet. A really beautiful, once again, evoking emotion that we just didn't know was possible from that dance track, which has amassed 403 million streams on Spotify. and that's about to be doubled because of Peter Timpels' incredible moving dance to freaks. What is wrong with me? Next, I'd love to thank from McLeod in Victoria, Jesse Edwards. Another, another Jess.

This one's a Jesse. So hopefully, you know, I mean, you probably don't get called Jessica because that's simply not your name. Jesse McCartney is who you've chosen to dance to. Did you choose to go for Beautiful Soul? Absolutely not. Too easy. You've gone for Levin. His second most popular.

And that one coming out, I think 2008. And Prince Charles, 7 out of 10. Just because he was like, oh, I heard Jessica McCartney. I thought it would be beautiful soul. I love that song. So really, that's just Prince Charles being petty. But a beautiful moving piece. Thank you, Jesse Edwards.

We're also love to thank from Matissee in White. Wyoming in the United States. Futon! Futon, you have done a dance to now. Missy Higgins has a song called Futon Couch, but you've gone for a different Missy Higgins song. You've chosen to dance to the special too. A beautiful, very moving, kind of slow piece.

So you've really, you've gone for more of like an interpretive ballet performance. And it is, it has paid off. It was a risky move. I was like, I don't know, but it was gorgeous. Prince Charles gave it 10 out of 10. Congratulations. From Newton in South Australia, Troy Partridge. Now, Partridge, obviously, Partridge family.

No, you've chosen to go for the monkeys. And you are dancing to, I'm a believer. Yeah, let's go, I'm a believer. I was going to go, me and Magdalena. But we're going to go with I'm a believer. But the Shrek version. So it's pretty current and cool. And Prince Charles hasn't seen Shrek gives you two out of ten.

I think unfair, Troy, I think it's unfair, but who am I to disagree with the monarch? And finally, I would love to thank from St. Orban's in Great Britain, David Eames. David Eames, you have chosen to dance to a song called Emerald. from Hope D. It's a good song. It's a new song, probably the newest one, most recent track,

that anybody has chosen. So Prince Charles definitely hasn't heard of it, but he was like, what's this? I actually quite like this. And he's given you five out of ten. Your dancing was a bit shit. But he liked the music,

and he liked, you just had a certain, how do you say, how do you say, Jeun Sequeue. So thank you so much. David, Troy, Fouton, Jesse Peter, Alex, Michael Rebecca and Kate.

And finally, something I forgot to check before I started recording, is yes, there's a few people to welcome into the Triptitch Club. Now, these are people who have supported us for three consecutive years, which is just incredible. We appreciate you so much. And when you do enter the Triptich Club, you are welcomed in with great fanfare. There's cocktails. there's food

it's essentially like a very exclusive I like to think of it as like an airport lounge like it has everything you could possibly need we've got like fancy bathrooms if you want to have a shower there's a day spa there's beds for snoozing and yeah we've got

food specials we book a band obviously I've just mentioned so many bands too many bands why did I mention so many freaking bands so usually usually you'll have Matt at the door. He's lifting the velvet rope. He's letting you in.

I'm at the bar. I'm making cocktails this week. We are having. What are we having? Come on, Jess. I tell you what, we're not turning the ovens on. We're not turning any heaters on or anything, just as an homage to the royals and their six-week holiday.

So everything is cold. We have a gazpacho. and cold drinks, of course. And in a bit of an exciting twist, I have booked every single artist. It's a bit of it, honestly, I've outdone myself because Dave's always the one who books the bands and he books like one band.

I've booked every band or artist that appears on the soundtrack for the Princess Diaries. So we're talking Michelle Branch. We're talking Avril Levine, Hillary Duff, Natasha Beddingfield, Lindsay Freckin' Low Hand. Why is that on there? That's not in that play. Anyway, and sixpence none the richer.

So it's going to be a pretty freaking sick time. Okay, get ready to enjoy some nostalgia. Obviously, that also links back to previous topic, Julie Andrews. So it's just an all. round good time. All right, so I would love to welcome in without further adieu. And look, I'll do my best to sort of hype you up as I go. I'm no Dave Warnocky. As much as Matt Stewart just doesn't seem to get Dave's style. I get it, but I'm just not as good at it. So I'll just do my very best. And I would love to welcome into the Trip Ditch Club from San Diego in California,

Todd. At a Sandy, heyo, Tio, Tia. you, Todd. Welcome, take a seat. Just chill out. Enjoy yourself. That wasn't too bad. Sandy Ayo is pretty funny. From Edinburgh in Scotland, I would love to welcome into the tributage club, Kia. And Kia! That's me doing a karate chop and getting rid of that velvet robe. I'm karate chopping the velvet robe. I'm so we don't need this anymore. Let's get rid of it. Get you in. Thank you so much. And I'd also finally love to welcome in from Masham. Oh, that's fun.

In Great Britain, Stefan Headley. And I've got a few different really fun songs to go together. Can I Mashem? Stefan can. Yes, absolutely. You know what? Like I did my best. So thank you so much.

Stefan, Kia, Todd. And welcome to the Tribute's Club. Congratulations. We're making it three years. You cannot leave the club now. And I will not apologize for that. Thank you so much, you absolute legends, and everybody else that we've shouted out today and for supporting us.

There's never any pressure from us to contribute financially to the Patreon. We appreciate so much those of you who can give a dollar, $2, $10, whatever. It's really, really greatly appreciated. If you are not in a position to do that, that is absolutely fine. Post about the podcast on Instagram. Tell some friends about it next time you're catching up for dinner. just getting the word out actually is absolutely huge and helps us a lot and that's how a lot of people have found our podcast so feel free to just spread the word that would that would mean the

absolute world to us okay well that brings us to the end then I think I've covered everything I needed to do I didn't get quite as puffed so that's something and we will all be back together again very, very soon, and by we will all, I don't mean every single one of you listening and us, I mean Matt, Dave and I are all going to be back together again soon. And then we'll probably have some guests because I think I'm going away on holiday. Don't, you know, like, let me have a freaking holiday. I just assumed you immediately got upset at me. But yeah, we'll be back together again soon. Got some great stuff coming up later in the year. And look, we just bloody love you. So if you want to suggest a topic, you can absolutely do that over on our website.

There's a link in the show notes as well. And until next time, I will say thank you and goodbye. Later's. Bye. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there. Wherever we go, we always hear six months later, oh, you should come to Manchester. We were just in Manchester.

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