Do Go On - 357 - Princess Diana; The People's Princess

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

This week we are joined by the very funny Dee Fidge, who gives us a comprehensive (read; long) look into the life of the People's Princess, Diana. Or, Diana, as Matt calls her.Follow Dee on Twitter and InstagramSupport the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: dogoonpod.com or patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/suggest-a-topic/ Check out our new merch! : https://do-go-on-podcast.creator-spring.com/ Stream our 300th episode with extra quiz (and 16 other episodes with bonus content): https://sospresents.com/authors/dogoonCheck out our AACTA nominated web series: http://bit.ly/DGOWebSeries​ Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader Thomas Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Just jumping in really quickly at the start of today's episode to tell you about some upcoming opportunities to see us live in the flesh. And you can see us live at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2024. We are doing three live podcasts on Sundays at 3.30 at Basement Comedy Club, April 7, 14 and 21. You can get tickets at dogo1pod.com. Matt, you're also doing some shows around the country. That's right. I'm doing shows with Saren Jayamana, who's been on the show before. We're going to be in Perth in January, Adelaide in February, Melbourne through the festival in April, and then Brisbane after that. I'm also doing Who Knew It's in Perth and Adelaide. Details for all that stuff at mattstuartcomedy.com.

It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a nice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Gold tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes.

Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. We can wait for clean water solutions.

Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Hello and welcome to Do Go On. My name is Matt Stewart and I'm joined, as always, by the very, very good co-host, second banana, Jess Perkins. Welcome, Jess. Matt, what a pleasure to be here, as always, playing second banana to your number one banana?

I'm not number one banana, no. Okay. Our guest this week will be number one banana. Jess, who have we got in the mystery seat? We have got, for the very first time, and after many cursed attempts to get this person on the podcast, we have the incredibly funny, amazing writer, Dee Fidge. Thank you so much for having me. What an absolute pleasure to have you.

Such a pleasure to finally be here and to be first banana. Yeah, number one. It's a big deal. It's a big day for me. Yeah, huge day. I always wanted to be a banana, so here I am. And you've gone straight to number one as well. Yeah, straight to the top. And it's not even like 10am and this is your day already. Ready to go. Wild, isn't it? Pack it in. Might as well just go home. It's big. Yeah, I did mention that this episode's been a little

bit cursed before it's even happened. So cursed. Because we've tried, what do we reckon, five, six times? Yeah. Probably. We've each had COVID. Yeah, everyone's had happened. So cursed. Because we've tried, what do we reckon, five, six times? Yeah. Probably, yeah. We've each had COVID. Yeah, everyone's had COVID. On one of the times we were due to do it. Yep.

There was lockdowns as well, I think. Did we start trying last year? Yes. It was literally last year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so funny. That's amazing. It's like eight months we've been trying on and off.

Yeah, because I had just moved into my new place. So it was like, yeah, eight, nine months ago. Quite honestly, if I was in your position and a podcast I'd been invited to come on for nothing, for like there's no benefit to me at all, and it gets cancelled like six times, I would have given up. Just to confirm, so I'm not getting paid for this? No, no, no. Is that what you're saying? No, no, no.

Nobody is. Interesting. We can talk about that. I'm banana though. I'm number one banana. Yeah, you're number one banana. Yeah, okay. We can pay you in bananas.

Real ones or metaphorical ones? What would you prefer? Metaphorical. Yeah, okay. Great. Thank you so much. Big bag of fantasy bananas. I can absolutely arrange that.

Thank you so much. It's not offensive to pay a banana with bananas. You okay with that? Yeah, okay. Paying you in friends. Yeah, I'm not going to eat them. No, no, no. They'll just move in with you.

They're going to move in with me. Well, I hope your new place is pretty big. Check it out, guys. You've got a lot of new bananas coming to stay. I picture you living in the fruit bowl at home. Oh, that's nice. Yes. My entire house is just a bowl.

Big bowl. It's pretty lonely in there at times. Yeah, I bet it would be. Pretty hard to get out of sometimes, I would imagine as well. It is a struggle. No arms, no legs. Just slipping around in there. Just flopping about.

It'd be fun if you're a skateboarding banana. Oh, yeah. That'd be sick. I'm waiting up something I can't do okay well i didn't know i just was wondering if you could or you couldn't i can't what a sorry to find out this way it's not the kind of thing that you just assume you'd be good at you've tried and failed do i look like someone who'd be good at skateboarding yes really yeah that is such a compliment yeah you look like someone who'd be good at skateboarding. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, great. Skateboard energy is, that is a compliment. I would love to have, I don't think I have skateboard energy. That's the best bit of being a skateboarder. You're wearing skate shoes right now. That's so true. I was just thinking that too. I'm wearing Vans.

Yeah, that's true. Maybe I could skate. Maybe I could skate. Yeah, I assume you could. Wow. Matt, do you want to explain to new listeners how this show works? Sure. The way it works is one of the three of us, in this case Dee, goes away and researches a topic and then brings back that new knowledge in the form of a kind of an old school report

and then delivers it like an oral presentation to the other two, in this case, Jess and I, and we sit politely and listen and don't interrupt and do not go on tedious riffs and tangents. Absolutely not. Because we pay the report, give it too much respect, if anything. Maybe today that stops. Do you reckon? Yeah, we've given them too much respect for too long. Okay.

I might try a little tediousness today. You've never interrupted before. No. On the show. So maybe today you can be, today's the day, interject. Normally we just sit quietly. It's weird that we even bother with the microphones. It's weird that you guys are even there normally.

Yeah, it's true. It's really more of a moral support thing, I think. That's fine. All three of us feel a bit silly sitting in a room alone. So the others just sit there. I'm usually on my phone playing Tetris. Yeah, great moral support. Yeah.

You know, when you look up and you're... You're telling, you're just telling a life story and the person you're telling it to is on Tetris. Yeah. To be fair, it's a great game. It is a great game. It's a really good game. Good for your brain.

Just keeping my brain fresh forever. Yeah, that is a fresh brain activity. Forever. And normally the topic's being suggested by a listener. I'll look it up because we know what this topic is. Yeah. That's good. Yeah, you definitely do.

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not. No, no. We do. We do. And normally there's a question to get on the topic. I don't know if you've got a question because we know the answer anyway. So I don't know if it would really a question because we know the answer anyway so i don't know if it would uh really be necessary what's the what question are we posing well not like say if the topic was uh that water bottle for instance i'm pretty good

at imagination and uh the question might be uh which famous green makes water bottles? I see, I see, I see, I see. I love this. Because it says Frank Green. I don't know if he's famous or not. Well, I mean, pretty famous for making the water bottles. Yeah, that one in particular. And I got a little coffee cup next to it.

And I've got two other Frank Greens at home. I've got too many Frank Greens. I saw someone describe Frank Green as being something a basic person would have on Twitter yesterday. Yeah, Matt, 100%. I am a basic bitch. And I think, and we've talked about this, I'm sure. I have no idea. But no, but the idea of, the things that people say are basic are just popular things. And it's usually that they're good.

It's like avocado on toast, so basic. Yeah, it's fucking delicious. Are you kidding me? Yeah, and Frank Green, great quality products. Great quality products keep your coffee hot and your water cold. What more do you fucking want in your life, you miserable fuck? Yeah, I'm a basic bitch. Sue me.

I think you're an angry bitch. Basic and angry. You can be both. Yeah, I can be anything I want to be. Were you looking up to see who has suggested this topic? Oh, thank you for reminding me why I opened my computer. So I know who suggested the topic. Oh, great.

Was it you? It was me. Oh, that's right. That's how this all started. You messaged saying, oh, it'd be great if you did an episode on this topic. And I legit was not trying to say, put me on the podcast. Yeah, yeah. I should give you a little preamble.

So during lockdown, I went and listened to all of your guys' back catalogue and I swear it saved my sanity. Wow. Like I obviously went insane, as we all do, but not on account of your podcast. Yeah. But I had been listening so much and I was like, this is great. They should do one on Diana. And I suggested it and now here I am.

So. You are. That's the first time I think that's happened when someone suggested a topic and then done the topic. Yeah, that's true. But people have suggested this as well as you. D, we've got Kayla Hodkiewicz suggested it. Kayla from Tom's River in New Jersey.

New Jersey. Alex P from West Palm Beach, Florida. Oh, great. Thank you. She's big in America, apparently, Di. Rachel Johnson from Melbourne. Thank you, Rachel. Who else have we got here?

Zoe, also from Melbourne. Jeez, Princess Di is big in Melbourne. Yeah. Well, there's three fans minimum that we've got there. Don's Ronald from Sydney, Australia. Don's Ronald. Don's Ronald. Is that a name or the name of a shop?

That's great. Unless the shop suggested it, I think that's the name of a person. I wish my name was Don's Ronald. Don's Ronald. Don's Ronald. Let's say it again. Don's. Don's.

Not Don. Plural. Don's. Maybe there's two of them. Got to be, yeah. That is Ronald. Let's say it again. Don's. Don's though. Like Don's. Not Don. Plural. Don's. Maybe there's two of them. Got to be. That's right. The plural of Don Roberts is Don's Robert. Is that his surname?

I've forgotten. Ronald's. I got so focused on the Don's. Distracted. Crazy. Dean Walker from Leicester in England. Who else have we got? Eric Kroos from Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

Eric Kroos. Nailing pronunciations today. Nathan from Leiden in the Netherlands. Geez, a lot of people suggested her. Yeah, quite a popular topic and story, I think. Chiara or Chiara Gifford from Perth. Because I hadn't... Normally, I would have this all lined up.

Sorry, I'm searching this one by one. He's live searching in a dock. Paul from Melbourne. There's now four of you. Oh, my God. We can form a gang. Yeah, start a club. How do you say that again?

Is that Sian? Kian. Kian. Jeez, well done. Did you look at the Google search I just made? No, no, no. Oh, wow. That came up and you said it.

I'm like, that was so fucking smooth. Kian Griffin from Cork in Ireland. Sorry, Dee, this won't go for much longer. I love this, personally. I feel like I'm learning a lot about names. And you're just finding people who have similar interests to you, so that's nice. Yeah, I'm finding new friends. And finally, Hussein Mehdi from

Belgium. Okay. That's an international request. I love it. Yeah. So the topic is, of course, Princess Di. You might know her as Princess Diana. Yes. Or Diane. Or Diane, as Matt said. I forgot her name. Looking forward to hearing about Princess Diane. Yes. Or Diane. Or Diane, as Matt said. I forgot her name.

Looking forward to hearing about Princess Diane. Diane. She's like a grouse sheila. It didn't sound quite right. I couldn't put my finger on why. Diane. It's not her name, is it? No, that's why it didn't sound right, because you said the wrong name. Oh, the wrong name.

Is it because, like, does your mum get called Di? Yeah. And so then maybe you're just associating, like, Princess Di. Di is just linked to Diane for you. Do you call your mum Princess Di? I do, yes. That's so nice. I call her Princess Di.

I will be asking my kids to call me Princess Di. None of this mum bullshit. You can call me Princess Di or get out. You pay me with the respect I deserve as a Princess Di. As a princess. Thank you very much. All right, Dee. Very excited.

Princess Dee. Princess Dee, take it away. Thank you so much for saying that. I was waiting for someone to call me princess and it started. So great. I wanted to start by asking what each of you would say your relationship is. Because you obviously, Matt, have never heard of this one until today. No, she's my mum.

Oh, yeah, I'm actually doing a report about your mum. When I say Princess Di, it's your mum. But are you guys fans, not a fan, don't know anything? Oh, I think I know a fair bit. Bits and pieces. Yeah, I watched The Crown. Yeah, it was The Crown. I know the bits she was on in that.

I watched other films. But I've forgotten a lot of it. That was accurate as well, by the way, may I just say. Oh, that's good to know. That's good to know, actually, yeah. I remember where I was the day she died. What do you? Yeah, at home.

Okay. Because I remember the Saints beat Port Adelaide that day to finish on top of the ladder. Right. So it was a day of mixed emotions for you. No, no, I was all positive. Well, because I was mainly thinking about the footy. I don't think I understood,

but you know how I at that point didn't know that when a celebrity died, I guess I was too young to realise how much it meant. Because even looking back now, like I don't remember anything being that big when someone died. How old were you at the time? Well, I was in my hundreds, canonically. Yeah, canonically he was a really old man.

So I'd say 300 and teens. 300 and teens? 313 or something. Yeah. Difficult to remember much when you... Yeah. No, I was 313. 313.

Yeah. I think I was about seven. Yeah. I was eight. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So that's where I'm beginning the report.

At the death. My experience of remembering. Because I too remember the day. You were watching the footy. I was beginning the report with at the death my experience remembering because I too remember you're watching the footy like a big I was watching the footy with you we were both together yeah you didn't mention that yeah yeah no I thought I didn't want to steal your thunder no so I was so I grew up in Canada so I don't know about like the time difference situation thing there but it was the evening it was about 7 p.m I was eight years old and my sister and I were watching tv uh while our parents had gone for a quick walk that's cool you get the footy over in Canada it's pretty good yeah my mom's Australian so she had it uh I don't know so streamed yeah she probably had the international pass. Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah, yeah.

So my sister and I were watching TV and a breaking news announcement came. I remember feeling really shocked. And for the first time in my eight years of life, felt a sickening sense of unease. One that we now know with pandemics and 9-11. Let's bring up all the tragedies that have happened in our lifetime. What about the Martin Square shooting? That was pretty bad, wasn't it? Yeah, let's not do too much drama in this podcast,

despite what I just said. I love how I just said that I was too young to really understand and you're like, I was younger than that. I understood. I understood. I felt a sickening sense of unease it was a weird i had no those words at that point for me i think because she was always on newspapers right at the time and so like i just knew her as this celebrity and i remember bursting open the front door when mom and dad were coming up the driveway and as they were walking up to the driveway me and my sister were standing there in our pyjamas screaming,

Princess Diana is dead. We just wanted to go for a quick walk. And just a few months later, my parents divorced. Wow. Another tragedy. Oh, my God. Do you think the two were connected? Just kidding.

They should have separated. It was the right thing to do. Similar to Charles and Di. 100%. So similar. Probably why I'm really drawn to this story. Do you think that's what they were discussing on the walk? Probably. Yeah.

If the walks were a new thing. Diana. Yeah. They're like, how good is it that she's alive? That's the one thing keeping us together. It's really going to keep this guy together. For the much alive and full of life Princess Di. She could not be more alive.

No. And then bang. Oh, wow. Yeah, that'll break a couple. So, look, a lot of people only really know about the tragedies of her life or the fact that she is dead. So, I wanted to go through the story, obviously, about her life. Famously dead.

She is famously dead. Yeah, I think it's one of those ones where you know how sometimes people mention a celebrity and you go, are they alive? I don't know. You know it was Princess Diana. Yeah, yeah. Famously dead. No question.

Famously dead. Famously dead. I'm always saying that to myself. And famously with short hair. Remember that? Yeah. She was a real trendsetter with the hair. Don't ask me do I remember anything about Princess Di.

Because you definitely do or definitely don't. She was a trendsetter. Oh yeah. Big time. Very stylish. I had a few aunties who definitely got on that trend. So she always reminded me of an auntie. Yeah big time. But like a very cool. Yeah cool auntie. She had the bike shorts. Yeah. How cool

are bike shorts? She was cool. She's always ready to jump on a bike. She was always ready to go cycle away. And she would like, she would like break royal protocol and like touch starving children and people would be like, wow, wow. Yeah. People were like, whoa, you're incredible. Wow.

She just picked up a child. You treated someone like a human. The royal was like, we don't, we don't do that. We don't do that. That's against protocol. Yeah. Do not treat them like humans. Don't treat them like humans.

How dare you? You're above them. If you're touching them, touch them with your boot. With your boot? Could be the toe of your boot or the sole of your boot. Whatever, however you...

They would prefer the sole, I think. Stomping? Yeah. You have a stomp and a touch, really. I was going for a very flat kick. That's because you're wearing skate shoes. That's right. I'm a skater girl.

You're always ready to skate. You're probably more like a kick flip than in the face. Yeah, that's it. That's what I'm thinking. So, most of the material for this report slash novel comes from the Andrew Morton book, Diana, her true story in her own words. Jeez. Jeez. That's a bit personal, isn't it? Dropping the princess. Yeah. He obviously knew her own words. Jeez, that's a bit personal, isn't it?

Dropping the princess. He obviously knew her pretty well. Yeah, they were mates. Honestly, be formal in book form. Oh, I see. Give her the title she deserves. Well, I guess you could argue that by then she didn't want to be referred to as a princess. I'm on first name basis.

I don't even have to call her a princess. All right, Mr. Man. But it's in her own words. Whatever your name was. Andrew Morton. Andrew Morton. It's in her own words. You think she's walking around saying,

hello, I'm Princess Diana. She actually famously said a few times, call me Diana. Don't call me Princess Diana. You know, like. I remember her saying, call me Diane. Call me Diane. I remember her saying, call diane call me diane call me mom yeah matt stop calling me princess diane am i thinking of the right person still no um so this book the

abridged version which i own because i'm very normal contains uh transcripts from these like ongoing interviews that she had with him and also that he had with her friends secretly and all of these conversations and films and stuff were like smuggled out of the palace wow so when the book first came out in someone's butt oh my god yeah that's not mentioned but that's the only way to smuggle things out holy wild. Whoa. Yeah, there's a lot of people with huge assholes in Britain. Palace is full of huge assholes. Yeah.

That's how you get a job in there. Jesus, you got a big cavity? Let's see what you got. That's the only interview.

You got the job. Oh, God. Let's see how many things you can bring into the interview. Show us your resume. Please take a seat. Don't worry, I

brought my own. That took you a second to get. We were talking about shoving some up your ass. I know. It's because you let me. I was thinking like, can we see your resume? And they pull out an iPad. But you've gone straight to chair. Chair, yeah.

Why not? Why not? It why not hey yeah you're there to impress gotta be best off in an interview yeah what's it yeah what kind of chair are we talking like maybe an ottoman or yeah not some sort of fold-out chair no no that's not gonna get you the gig a plastic rickety fold yeah come on i want to be comfortable how How dare you? No. Okay. I like that it makes sense that it is interviews with him. I thought... Yeah. Because if it's called in his own words, in her own words... Well, if it was called in his own words, then yes.

That would be insane. That would be... Diana, in his own words. Mine. Diana. It's in mine. In my honest opinion. He's just going like, I reckon she's pretty good it's just a bunch

of him being like i reckon this i reckon that but it is like it is i will get serious at points here and i can't not sorry but it is the closest thing we have to like an autobiography because she never wrote one and she was like famously silenced and stuff so the book is the basis of a lot of stuff like the season of the crown and a few recent films that have been made and stuff about her so that's sort of what i've gone on yeah cool um i do need you to know this is a very abridged version it's a very shortened version because my original report because i wrote it like nine months ago was also when i was like in insane lockdown mode and i went to town yeah like my original report was 16 000 words oh okay um i

googled word counts of famous books because i thought maybe i had written one um have i written a famous book yeah i got really excited double check but it turns out 15 000 words isn't actually a lot in terms of like so animal farm by george orwell yes 30 000 okay so i wrote that's not a doesn't feel like a really thick book you wrote half an orwell i wrote half of like a communist horse you could say you if you released it you could have called it diana by andrew murphitt by d in my own words yeah that's good i would definitely say andrew murphitt in his my own her words yeah that's what i would call it that's good stuff because i i don't know if there are any publishers listening maybe a penguin or a puffin yeah a penguin or a puffin. That's interesting, yeah. A penguin or a puffin? Yeah. Just the animals. The animals, yeah. Yeah.

Or whoever works for the publishing corporation. Okay, so you started with 15,000, 16,000 words. Luckily, you are a writer by trade. I am. And have edited that? You've brought that down? You're like, please tell me. Please tell me we don't have to sit here all day.

I'm really comfortable. I hope you haven't edited it at all. I hope you've edited it out. I've added. I've edited in terms of adding stuff, actually. Perfect. Perfect. Yeah, that's what I was hoping for.

No, I did try to whittle it down, but I cannot promise that this will not be long. That's okay. Where can people find your writing, by the way? DFIDGE.com? Forward slash Diana? Yeah. Oh, fuck. I need a website or something.

People often say, where do I find your work? And I'm like, am I comfortable? And then I just walk away. If anyone listening is a web designer or a penguin or a puffin, please get in touch. Get in touch. Get in touch. Okay. Even just follow Dee on Twitter is a real treat.

Dee Figgled. Yeah, Figgled. Or just Figgled is a real treat. Dee Figgled. Yeah, Figgled. Or just Figgled. Yeah, it's just Figgled. I've added the D. You added the D there. I'm sorry, too formal. Too formal.

Dee Figgled's my mum's name. Call me Figgled. Call me at Figgled. Call me at Figgled. I'm going to have a go at not interrupting for a bit and just let you go. No, I like it. I'm going to try and edit this intro down because we normally, like Jess would have finished some of her reports by this stage and we haven't even let you start it.

That's my problem though. I need to get better at being like, shut the fuck up and let me talk about this wonderful woman. Yeah, that's the joy of being in the report. And I'm not good at that. So again, I apologize for not being more aggressive. Hey, you have our permission to tell us to shut the fuck up. Even that is like giving me a cold shiver.

Yeah, that's stressful. The idea of being mean. Okay. Sorry, this is our first time interrupting. Stop talking. Stop talking. It's true. Stop talking.

Shut up. Jess, I did not give you permission to tell me to shut up. Okay, well, I'm saying it. Okay. Okay. Say the words, though, Dee. I feel like we're going to... Okay, I feel like I'm starting again. Okay. Okay. Say the words, though, Dee. I feel like we're going to... Okay, I feel like I'm starting again.

We're starting at the start. The year 1961. Oh, good year. Oh, Matt. That's your first warning. How many do I get? I've had a sip of coffee. I get a million warnings

because it's me and I'm very passive and cowardly. The month is July. And the day, numero uno. On the 1st of July, 1961, Diana Frances Spencer was born. DFS. DFS. Not bad.

Who knows what zodiac sign that makes her? Start of July, I'm going to guess. Well, I know it's not Libran because that's what I am. I'm going to guess Well I know it's not Libran Because that's what I am I'm a Libra too But it's too We balance each other out We're so balanced

And bad with money But so nice I think it's too early For Leo Or is it Leo No Leo's later Scorpion But it's not

It's between Gemini And Leo Oh Pisces Should I just say it Yeah probably yeah Yeah yeah yeah So yeah, yeah. So she was a Cancer. Cancer, got it.

Their traits, I don't even believe in horoscopes. Their traits are loyal, sensitive, compassionate, sociable, lover of the arts. Wow. Tick, tick, tick. So no negatives for Cancers. I'm sure there are. Well, I mean, they're crabs. Yeah, I mean, got one big hand.

Yeah. That's a fairly obvious negative. Yeah yeah claw for a hand yeah okay try and hold a cup can't do it it's very complicated being friends with a crab yeah i imagine but the rest is positive all good loyal they're loyal exoskeleton around behind you they're big hands um okay. So, Diana came from a very noble family, lots of money, elite circles. Her parents, Francis and John, had a lot of money and good standing in elite circles. When she was born, it was a time when the main purpose of a woman was to give birth to a son. Okay. That was in the 1960s in like this weird social circle stuff as well like they had that big history of being sheep farmers since the 1500s and stuff so

it was like we need men to carry on the sheep farming women can't do sheep and i can say that as a feminist but women can't they just can't herd sheep famously we can't babe sheep. And I can say that as a feminist, but women can't, they just can't herd sheep. Famously, we can't. Babe, the pig, he was a little boy. He was a boy pig. You know, we can't do it. Can't do it. We can't.

I'm so glad to hear that she had such an underdog upbringing, because we all know her as the people's princess, because she was an outsider. She was just an, anyone could have been her, as long as they were from a family of rich sheep. Rich sheep. Rich sheep. Look at that sheep in that top hat. That is a fancy sheep. He's got a monocle.

I'm intimidated by that sheep. Great. Another group of people I have to be intimidated by. Rich sheep. Yeah, perfect. It looks like it's wearing pure merino wool. I guess the reason I'm giving a little bit of a background about her upbringing is for obvious reasons. Like it says a lot about who she was and childhood is obviously important to all of us.

So for background, Diana's mum gives birth to two daughters. So Diana has two older sisters. How furious would everyone have been? Exactly. And then, this is sad, they have a son, but he dies almost immediately after childbirth. And again, being in the 60s, he is just whisked away from Frances. And she doesn't even get to hold him or find out how he died. It's just a horrible time.

Awful. So there's a lot of trauma that no one talks about because British. And that wasn't to be cruel. They obviously thought that that was for the best somehow. Yeah, I think it was the we don't want to upset her or something. Yeah, yeah. Let's not talk about it. Yeah, just everything under the rug, black, not even acknowledging. So she just goes home without it. It's just, yeah. It's so grim about it. Yeah, just everything under the rug, like, not even acknowledging.

So she just goes home without a bed. It's just, yeah. It's so grim. It's really, really grim. She eventually becomes pregnant again, and that is when Diana is born. Another girl. Yeah. Shit.

Well, for real, her parents hadn't even thought of a girl's name, so she didn't have a name for a full week. Well, that's why I met her name's Frances. Yeah, they were so desperate. They were like, Frances? I'm surprised they didn't call her Sheep. Yeah, it says a lot about entering the world and just feeling like a disappointment. Yeah.

And your family just didn't really want you. Like they didn't even think of a name for a week. She was just, I guess, baby. Maybe they called her baby. Baby. Where's the baby? I got like a hand-me-down name because my parents, when they had my older brother, were so sure he was a girl.

So they had a name picked out for him and then they had him and were like, oh, we have to think of a name for a boy. Then seven years later, they had me and like, we'll just use that name again. Still like that. Ready to go. Just use that.

I'm like, okay. Well, no, it just means that you were the one they wanted all along true yeah they never wanted my brother no yeah and he's the disappointment yeah do they tell him that all the time absolutely not he's the golden child but but that that's that that's their guilt talking yeah they're overcompensating yeah that's right yeah he just built the house they live in but um I can write little jokes. You sure can. And you can skateboard. And I can skateboard. And they're like, look at her go.

He was just a boy. But you're a girl who could have a boy. And isn't that in some ways even more valuable? Exactly. I could have a boy. Boy machine. Yeah. You're a creator of boys.

I make boys. I make boys. That's good out of context so diane's mom by the stage had three girls yep if she if this was a different time and her husband was harold or whatever his name was henry the eighth or whatever oh she i think she might have been offed beheaded yeah Yeah, big old disappointment. That's three chances next. The opposite is my nightmare, though. Just having like three or four teenage boys.

That's a nightmare. Kill me. Oh, because they'd be so big. And how do you push them out? That'd be brutal. That would be brutal. Ouch. Imagine giving birth to three teenage boys at once.

At once. Insane. Yeah, all feet coming out at the same time. Picture it. That's not fair. And you're fighting with each other all the way around. You skip the stage where they think you're the best. They're just straight away teenagers.

They're like, fuck off, mum. Can you drive me to the shops? And it's like, oh. You're like, I've got so many stitches. Like, can you drive me? Yeah, imagine all the wounds and how they'd be full of Lynx Africa, which would just sting on the way out and they'd stink. Yeah.

So much Lynx Africa, but they still stink so bad. Well, that mix of BO and Africa. Yeah, because they refuse to shower. Yeah, we all know that smell very well. Yeah. I never smelt it. I just dealt with it. So you were the cause of it.

Although I use the different links because I was pretty cool. Everyone used Africa but I used Accelerate. It's defunct now. You probably haven't heard of it. I definitely, I genuinely haven't. That's good. It was the superior scent.

Oh, okay. Alright, so this So. All right. So, this is me interrupting you. Yeah, good job. Yes, this is you interrupting us. Well done. That's the right way to frame it for sure. I'm just so scared that we're going to be here for six hours. You're going to hate me.

So, basically, yeah. In interviews, Diana said early memories from her childhood are basically of being treated like you should have been a boy. We didn't really want you. A couple of years later, though, Francis does give birth to a son. So his name is Charles, which could get confusing because she later marries Prince Charles. So for context, if we ever need to refer to brother Charles, let's say brother Charles. Brother Charles. Okay, great.

Thank you. So she grows up in this massive mansion in the country. It has like 10 bedrooms, lots of staff. She has a super privileged upbringing. The underdog, people's princess. Yeah, underdog. She's just like us. But you know what was missing in the house?

More boys? Love. Oh. That was good, Dee. That was good. Thank you. I wrote it nine months ago. That's also not completely true.

She got on really well with her siblings. When you've got a small amount of love in such a big house, it's diluted in the space as well. That's right. It's like having a little heater in a big mansion. Like not many people are going to feel it. I don't know how you came to that analogy as we sit in this huge room with a small heater, but I like it.

That I actively pointed to. Yeah. And that I cannot feel the heat from. You can come sit next to me if you want, by the way. No, it's fine. Thanks. I'm fine. Talk about emotional neglect.

So, yes, she got on really well with her siblings. It's just her parents did that classic upper class British thing of being really formal and cold and emotionally neglectful while just like spending heaps of money on education. Why have kids? Oh, you had to. I don't know. It simply wasn't acceptable to not have them. Well, you needed-

Like a sheep? Something about sheep? Something about sheep. Who's going to take over the sheep company? That's kind of- The sheep company? Yeah. The sheep mill?

Yeah. Yeah, who's taking over the sheep mill? Who's taking over the sheep mill? Who's taking over the sheep mill? I don't even know if they ended up doing that. I should have researched that. I don't think Princess Di did. She certainly didn't. No.

No. Never saw a photo of her with a lamb. But maybe Brother Charles, as was his birthright. Yeah, I imagine he got whatever he wanted. Probably all the cool toys and stuff. He was the only boy. Then they would have so much pressure on him to take everything over. Yeah, the babies are insufferable.

The absolute worst. Little attention seekers. The princess dive. Middle child syndrome. Pretty much. Yeah. Pretty much, actually. So, it was in a really rural area hence the sheep stuff and her older

sisters because there was an age gap they go to boarding school so for most of her childhood it's just diana and her younger brother charles kicking about in this empty mansion devoid of um love uh their mom francis becomes quite depressed and her parents fight a lot. And her mum ends up moving to London and they separate. And she's like, see ya, and gets an apartment and dates and goes to cool parties and stuff. I love it. But also, meanwhile, these kids aren't really getting, like, parenting. You're just thinking, like, yeah, she's, like, ditched the zero. she's like ditched zero she's well she did her job she she birthed a boy it's true and i can sort of relate to that because she was 18

diana's mom was 18 when she got married yeah and she's meant to just churn out these kids which she's done and she's like i'm exhausted i want to have an actual life. So her mum moves to London and actually starts dating this cool artsy guy who is described in multiple accounts as bohemian, which I feel back then maybe just meant like he owned a purple hat. Yeah, big time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or was gay. Like we don't really know what that means in this context.

Yeah. He was somewhat open-minded and people were oh how very bohemian yes he attended a gallery once yeah everyone's like okay was not overtly racist yeah yeah exactly it's the bar is pretty low for being i think yeah he might have been from bohemia oh yeah maybe yes i've misinterpreted that completely yeah that's that's on me. I will own that and issue a long apology via the notes app of my phone. Perfect, thank you. If you could do that in your own words. In his, her own words.

Okay, so at some stage Diana's mum says, actually, no, I want the kids. So they're moving to London. Sick. Diana's six and her whole life gets kind of uprooted but becomes a bit more normal they're living in an apartment in the city she gets the train to school get some friends but after a year diana's dad sues for sole custody and wins so she's yanked back to the countryside to be in this empty mansion without her mom no but he wanted the kids so badly that

he went to court that i'm sure he's gonna be a doting father from now on yeah family court dads are famously amazing if he really fought for the kids then obviously he's just gonna he's probably gonna quit sheep work i mean like why else would you do it just out of spite for your ex-wife i certainly can't say see any way that would be the case. It would just be because you miss your children so much and you think they should spend all of their time with me and never see their bitch mum again. Yeah.

Exactly. Always be, like, calling her a bitch mum. Yeah, exactly. That's basically what he did. Well, because otherwise, if you don't let them know, they might try and have a relationship with her. And that's not odd. You've got to make sure the kids know that their mum's a bitch.

Yeah. And what she did to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Embarrassed me. Yeah, humiliated. Use the word humiliated. In society. Maybe get all your other divorced dad friends around

and get your better wives together. Yeah, just so the kids understand. Yeah. Especially the girls. So they don't make the same mistakes. Exactly. And you can show them that you're cool now because you've got your bed, your car, picturing Milhouse's turn.

No, I got it. I got it. I got it. A fun side note that I enjoy is that Diana never liked any of her nannies. Okay. And she used to play little pranks on them, which I enjoy is that Diana never liked any of her nannies. Okay. And she used to play little pranks on them, which I think is fun. So she used to leave little pin cushions on their chairs and chase them out of the house. Okay.

So she just kind of had this revolving door of nannies. Did the pin cushions have pins in them? Otherwise, that doesn't feel like a very good prank. I assume they did, but also it's a really funny prank otherwise. It's like, oh, you put this little cushion on my chair. The cushion's too small for you. It's made for pins, not butts. Yes, it's too small.

You look like a fool. That's not for bottoms. You're embarrassed. The nannies scream. Depending on the person, they might sit on that and swallow it whole, you know. Yeah, that's right. Knowing the English. We know about the English buttholes.

you know. Yeah, that's right. Knowing the English. We know about the English buttholes. Okay, Jesus, I need to move fast. Okay, I'm trying to skim through some of this. No, no, I'll start biting my tongue more. You don't skim. Yeah, finish that coffee, Matt.

That'll occupy your mouth for a little bit and certainly won't have any other consequences. Did you just scull that and then put it down instantly? No, certainly not. Okay, so basically it sounds like neither of her parents really knew what it meant to be a parent, unfortunately. Like, not judgment, but they didn't really nurture these kids. Possibly that was passed down from their parents.

Oh, yeah, big time. Big time intergenerational sheep farming parenting style. Her parents would compete for her attention, but not actually give her attention. They would compete with money. So, for example, one time they threw a party together and each of them separately gave Diana a dress to wear and they said, you have to choose which dress you're going to wear.

Like, how fucked is that? She's like eight. That's fucked. Yeah. That is awful. She're going to wear. Like, how fucked is that? She's like eight. That's fucked. Yeah. That is awful. She's got to wear two dresses. Yeah. The colours clash.

Yeah. Blue and green should never be seen. Famously. What are they doing to her? If it was an Amanda Bynes movie, though, right, what she would do is look at herself in the mirror and scrunch up her face a little bit, take some scissors to it,

combine the two dresses to make an even better dress. Oh, fantastic. Or if she was Mrs. Doubtfire, she would keep changing and saying, I'll be right back. Yeah. Go and changing, then sing a dance. She's also doing different voices for no reason. Yeah, that's right. Hello.

Hello there, papa. Yeah. So anyway, just a weird dynamic for a kid Hello there, papa! Yeah. So anyway, just a weird dynamic for a kid to grow up in. Yeah, very odd. As a child of divorce, I understand what it's like.

It's so funny to imagine the parents competing for attention as well. It's so strange. It's very strange. It's so embarrassing for them. Yeah. Like that they are not

humiliated by that kind of behavior. It's mortifying. What are you doing? Di, I'm going to do a little play. Come and watch. Yes, probably. I've rehearsed a dance for the new Spice Girls song. She's like, what's a Spice Girl?

So during meals, like we were saying about the dad wanting sole custody, he ate separately in a dining room in the big dining hall and Diana and her brother and whichever nanny she hadn't tortured, they would all sit together in a room. So like they didn't even have family bonding time. Insane. Her dad threw a big birthday party for her, which was more to show off. Like there were no other kids there.

It was just his mates drinking. He also arranged camels to be there, like a bunch of camels, but no one was allowed to ride them. I mean... So it's just like, have a look at some camels. I'm not sure he knows... Like how rich I am, I guess. I don't know if he knows how to show off. No! You're doing it wrong, mate.

It all sucks. Maybe this is how you show off back then. Right. In rural England in the 60s. Check it out. Hey fellas, check it out. Look at them camels. Don't touch it. Don't. Don't touch them.

Don't even think about riding it. But just know that I got them here. Oh, P.S. It's my daughter's birthday. Yeah. Let's get sloshed. Yeah, pretty much. That's so impressive.

Rich people are insane. Yeah. I actually wrote that several times. Long and short of it, she grew up emotionally neglected. She was with her divorced dad for a few years and then like her older sisters went off to boarding school. And she, I guess you could say thrives in this environment. She gets really involved.

She joins an insane amount of sporting things, swimming, dancing, acting, netball. Like a lot of people, she says she felt like an outsider at school, but people who actually went to school with her were like, no, she was great. Like, we loved her. She wasn't the popular girl, but she wasn't bullied. She was just really nice by all accounts.

Oh, classic cancer. Is that right? Yeah. Classic cancer. Oh, yeah, classic cancer. Absolutely. As she gets a bit older, she wants to start volunteering. And so she volunteers at a hospital when she's a teenager,

which not really many other people her age were doing, especially rich people. And the staff were like, she was great and warm and just genuinely loved connecting with people. It didn't seem to be like an ego thing or anything like that. And that's the kind of thing that you would, like, people wouldn't lie about that, right? Normally people would love an opportunity to be like,

yeah, she was here, but she was actually a real bitch. Yeah, and she volunteered mainly in the aged care wards and not the fun, I don't know, she wasn't Patch Adams, you know? You know, it's for people. That's smart. Then the people that you've helped look after, they die. Yeah. Nobody can tell you, tell what you're actually like. Maybe she was horrible.

Yeah. Who cares? They're dead. Don't make me doubt Diana. They're long dead. She could have been awful to them. She would not. Could have been stealing their wallets or something.

Those old people in the 80s are now dead. Big time. Jess. Super dead. Don't. I'm heartbroken. Stop that. Or she might have been incredible. Don't spoil the rest of Dee's report. She was probably incredible. That's what the nurses say are now dead. Big time. Jess. Super dead. Don't. I'm heartbroken. Stop that. Or she might have been incredible.

She was probably incredible. That's what the nurses say. They say she was great. So that's what it was. I'd much prefer to hang out with old people than kids at like a hospital or whatever if I was volunteering. Old people are great. I love hanging out with old people.

Yeah. You get to hear their stories and stuff. Yeah. They're so cool. I think. What about the shouty racist ones though? Yeah. I love hanging out with old people. Yeah, you get to hear their stories and stuff. Yeah, they're so cool. I think... What about the shouty racist ones, though? Yeah, I think they're... That would be a struggle.

I'd avoid them, I think. Yeah, I reckon if you hear old people, there's two things that come to you, two types of people. I think of the lovely old people. Yeah. If I think of old people, I think they're all lovely. But you're right.

There are, like any other age, there's also awful old people. Yeah. If I think of old people, I think they're all lovely. But you're right. There are, like any other age, there's also awful old people. Yeah, like they're just people, Matt. They're just people. That's so interesting. I didn't think I was going to get such insight today. You're already very old, though. I think I'm the oldest person on record. That's why you're describing everyone

as lovely. Yeah, that's true because they're all kids to me. Yeah, exactly. They're cute, adorable little 80-year-olds.

So cute. Yeah, I certainly wouldn't get into politics with some or any of them. I don't get into politics with most people.

I think if I was volunteering at a hospital, I wouldn't really mention politics. No, that's true. So who are you voting for? That's normally my opener when I'm volunteering at a hospital.

Just some active debating. Who you got? The children? Mine would be, what's the flavour of jelly today? You know, just keep it light. Cute, yes. I love that. I'd be like, you know how they make jelly?

Hooves. Boiling hooves and bones. Yeah, what flavour of hooves and bones are you having? Strawberry. So this is why you're not allowed to volunteer at a hospital, Matt. That's what I'm hearing a lot from this side of the room. They gave me quite a few chances. Too many, some would say.

Anyway, right. Despite doing well academically and socially, Diana did not get the grades her sister did, and she did fine though but she developed a weird complex about this and would always call herself dumb like even in media interviews there's a lot of footage of her being really self-deprecating about her intelligence and saying like oh call me princess dumb i dumb anna that's the thing i did warn you i can't do an accent but she says things like oh i'm as thick as a plank. Oh.

Which is like a funny thing to say. But also like you don't have to talk down to yourself, girl. Yeah. Dee, a little bit of irony there as you just said you can't do an accent talking down to yourself when you nailed the accent. Oh, my God. Thank you. Maybe I can do accents.

You definitely can. That was fantastic. I think maybe you need to take a little bit of your own advice. Oh, my God. Thank you. Maybe I can do accents. You definitely can. That was fantastic. I think maybe you need to take a little bit of your own advice. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. This is now the princess deal. So, around this time when she's finishing high school, Diana's dad gets remarried to a woman named,

and this sounds like a fake name, Rain McCorkcale. First name Rain. Rain. McCorkcale. There's a lot of C's and a lot of Q's. Okay. That's a fantastic name.

That's incredible. But it really did sound like you were making it up. In real time. This will sound made up. I know. This will sound made up, guys. But believe me for sure. That is a bonkers name.

But what's weird is they get married without telling the kids. Cool. Or inviting them, of course, to any wedding. Because why would you want there to be any emotional connection? No, my children shouldn't be at my wedding. They throw a wedding party and they don't invite the kids. That's so weird. What a missed opportunity for flower girls and ring bearers.

And to show off. And to show the kids off. Camels. Give them two dresses. Put some flowers in the camels. To the camels. For the camels each. The camels are stressing.

Which do I choose? Which one is more flattering for my humps? My lovely lady lumps. I'm ignoring you. The kids naturally grow a bit resentful at the dad, and they also don't get on with their stepmother and create a nickname, Acid Rain. Oh, that's good.

Which is fun. That's fun. You know, pretty good little word is fun. That's fun. You know, pretty good wordplay. That's fun. So around this time, when there's all this weird family stuff happening, this is when Diana meets Prince Charles for the first time. Her brother.

Am I right? That's brother Charles. That's brother Charles. That's brother Prince Charles. This is Prince Charles of the Royals. So there's three Charles. Brother Charles, Prince Charles. This is Prince Charles of the Royals. So there's three Charles. Brother Charles, Prince Charles and Brother Prince Charles. No, no, there's two.

But I don't know if you guys know this, but they met when Prince Charles was dating her older sister, Sarah. I know this from The Crown. Yeah, see, you know. But I was confused by that scene. So Diana was 16. Going on 17. She meets Charles, who was, I think, 30 at the time.

Oh, I didn't know that. And dating her older sister. So I guess, I don't know how old her sister was, but there would have been at least less of a weird gap. Yeah. Maybe early 20s or something. Yeah. Still.

Insane side note that I need to mention. Sarah, the sister, at the time was experiencing a really bad eating disorder and her family used their connection to the royals to control her food intake so they would say stuff like if you gain x amount of pounds you can talk to prince charles on the phone like oh gain weight yeah to help her, like encourage her to eat and stuff. But how fucked is that? No, I think that's clever to link... Romantic relationships.

Romantic relationships with weight. It just speaks to, I guess, again, this weird unhealthy family dynamic that Diana already was coming from. Yeah. Oh, I did not know that he was dating her older sister. Yeah, so that's how they met. She was the 16-year-old younger sister.

Wow. Oh, he was 29 and she was 16. Oh, okay. Oh, my God, thank God. I thought it was going to be gross. That's a big gap. Calm your sheep farms, everyone. It's not that gross. That's a big gap. Calm your sheep farms, everyone. It's not that bad.

That's a big gap. That's what they said in the interview process for the smugglers. Oh, that's a big gap. That's an impressive gap. When someone has a gap in their resume in that scenario, it's a positive. It's a huge positive. It's a benefit. So here's a quote from an interview from

when they were asked about the day they met. The reporter asks, what was your first impression of Diana? And Charles says, apologies again for this perfect answer. Please. Hey, Dave, no apologies. I can't do it.

I remember thinking, what a jolly, amusing and attractive 16-year-old. Bouncy and full of life. Bouncy. Also, don't say her age. Yeah, don't. Like, just say, oh, I thought she was a nice young woman.

Yeah. You know, I was dating her sister. I thought she was nice. Don't say, what an attractive 16-year-old. That's what I was thinking at 29. Yeah, first time I saw her I was like hubba hubba yabba dabba ding dong. I want to put my

willy in that. And you've got to assume that he was coached to say something like that as well. That's what they thought that was the good version of it. That's what got approved. I want to see the draft version. Far out. Sickening. Knowing how it all sort of goes,

it was probably more like he was like, yeah, I didn't think much of her. Yeah, which is probably true. Because he was, yeah. Make sure that you know that she was a hot teen. So bouncy. What does that mean? Was she leaping around? Yeah, why? Why was she doing that?

Pogo sticks. She was on a space ball. She she was on a pogo stick. She was on a space ball. She was allowed on the pogo stick, not allowed on the camel. She was alternating between the space ball and the pogo stick. Yeah, she was very busy that day. And a jumping castle. Good Lord.

Wow. So not long after this, Charles goes to the Spencer family house for dinner, still as the partner of Sarah And he sidles up to Diana This attractive bouncy 16 year old And he says Oh can you show me the art upstairs Oh that's a euphemism

I don't know Can you show me the art upstairs I do call my tits the art though That was better That was really good Matt Really? No As Charles, yeah I'm not, I'm not That was good He That was really good, Matt. Really? No. As Charles, yeah. I'm not.

I'm not. That was good. He's got a weird look. Why are you patting me on the head as you're saying it? Because I've got long arms. But Sarah overhears this, the sister, and she butts in. She's like, no, don't take my little sister upstairs to see this art. So I guess you could say Charles had a bit of a crush. Oh, he did have a crush on me.

On Diana from the start. Oh. You could also say he was a pervert. You know, we could say a lot of things. Yeah. Eventually that relationship between Sarah and him fizzles out. Were they together for long, do you know? It was sort of one of those like weird on and off courtships

for a few months, not long. Yeah. And courtships there, it was sort of like just getting, are we going to get married? Like right off the bat. Exactly. That's so, like the royals are always like, Charles needs to get married. So it's like always searching for a wife.

Well, if he's 29, it's like, we need to get this boy married. Yeah. And the reason their relationship ended is because the press found Sarah at one point and just said like, Oh, are you going to marry the Prince? Like, are you guys going to get married?

And she said, Oh, we're not even thinking about that yet. Like we're just dating casually. She was like super honest and upfront and didn't really think. And the Royal family intervened and froze her out and said, you can't date this bitch anymore. Oh,

like she is not being respectful. Charles does not date casually. Was like, not kind of a normal answer. A very normal. We're not going to tell this company, but it's early days. And they were like, no. No. A very normal and very healthy response.

Not princess material, apparently. Charles, first date is also the first day of engagement. Okay. Yeah. Pretty much when it comes to with diana pretty much so but anyway at this time there is obviously a few years that go on between diana reconnecting with charles she's moving through life graduating high school not a girl not yet a woman she finishes school 18 and moves to lond to London back in with her mum

and tries to reconnect that relationship. Like a lot of women of her background, she had like a super top-rate education but wasn't expected to actually do anything with it. Right. Like school was more to enable you to have fancy conversations about poetry, not to actually have a career because you're still expected to just pop out baby yeah right no expectation to like go to university or yeah have a job or any kind of career don't make me vomit they were they got great big textbooks

but not to learn from to balance on their heads yes yes amazing posture diana had no uh specific qualifications or anything that she wanted to study, but she knew she wanted a job. So she actually got one at a temp agency, which I find very cool. Cool. And she worked random odd jobs doing reception, waitressing, teaching at a ballet school because she loved to dance. And she ends up moving into her own flat with some friends and has on many occasions described this as the only happy time in her life,

which is sad and beautiful and we all miss our 20s. Oh, yeah, yeah. All been there, Diana. But it's nice and kind of refreshing to hear. I didn't know that. So it's nice that she had like a bit of a normal life for a little bit. Yeah. She had just a little glimpse of a normal life yeah and her flatmates weren't super posh or

anything they were just girls that she had met in london and stuff so they just had like in this share house like four of them oh so she was so close to living a great life right yeah she had that chance exactly um and it sounds like she didn't have much of a party lifestyle she by all by all accounts, didn't smoke and barely drank alcohol, but she still just wanted to be out in the world. She would still just watch TV in the evenings, go to the pub and eventually got a job at a childcare centre. she went on a few dates with guys but it sounds like she didn't really vibe with them like even men who went on one or two dates with her were like oh no she just clearly didn't like me very much and kind of ghosted yeah nice um so there were no long-term relationships before she got married and i have to mention this because this is a big part of why the royal family loved her at the start she was probably a virgin when she got married pure pure wow and the royal family loved her at the start. She was probably a virgin when she got married. Pure.

Pure. Wow, and the royal family knew this and loved it. Loved it. Normal stuff. Real normal areas. Totally normal conversations in that place. You could even say they were obsessed with it. And nice to meet you, Diana.

Have you boned? How's your hymen? Intact. Good to hear. Good girl. Hi, man? How's your hymen? Yeah. Intact? Good to hear. Good girl. Hi, man. How's your hymen? There it is.

Classic. That's classic Liz. That's classic Queen Lizzie. We've got a fair way into this episode, Dee, without finding out pro or not pro. Which has a word for that? Monarchist. Monarchy. In Australia. Monarchist. Monarchy. In Australia.

Me? Yeah. Republican or monarchist. I guess that's probably it. Do I strike you as a big royal family fan? Well, hey, look. Sorry if this is too personal. I can see squirming in your seat.

I'm wriggling around. It's so bad. De-wriggled more like it. Okay, I've got to find that. Oh, no. No, I hate them and I want to burn it all to the ground. Right. Because you love this topic, but I guess Diana is sort of an outcast in it as well.

Yes. She's not a royal. Right. She's posh. Yeah. Fine. Accept that. But she's not a royal family.

And they, as you will find out, and as you probably know a little bit about, they chewed her up and spat her out. Like, the institution sucks. It's a very strange... Sorry if you were about to say that you love the Royal Family. No, I'm the only one. Well, I'm glad to have you on because Jess and Dave are big monikers. I'm the only one.

Oh, yeah. Really? Love them. Love them. So you're actually outnumbered this episode. Yes. Which is good. Which is good for you.

None of us were old. I mean, I was old enough, of course, but I missed it. None of us were around to vote in the last Republic vote for Australia. Hopefully there's another. When was that? The year 1999. Oh, wow. A couple of years, this report ends.

We were too busy stressing about the Millennium Bug. Yeah, exactly. Y2K. Scary stuff. Scary. Do you guys remember the lollies, the Millennium Bugs, that came out for a limited time? I think about them all the time.

I don't remember them at all. They were really good. I remember Birdie Beatles. Of course. That's not a Millennium Bug. It's a bug-related treat. Yeah, okay. So I'm giving you that.

Because bugs don't make me hungry for a treat. No. No. Well, you're not an anteater, so. I'm not an anteater. She's right. Okay, so back to Diana and Charles. Reconnect.

When she's 19, she's had maybe one or two years of fun London freedom. At this time, Charles is dating a woman you might have heard of and her name is Camilla Parker Bowles. Right. I get her confused with Sarah Ferguson. Fergie.

Or is it Sarah? Well, yeah. Yeah, she also ends up in the royal family. But she's with one of the other. Yeah, one of the other ones. Not the one that doesn't sweat. Yeah. I think so. Or the one that doesn't sweat.

Yeah. The one that doesn't sweat. So Charles and Camilla are like not even hiding the fact that they're dating and all this sort of stuff. Having lots of sex. I don't want to mention too much about charles in this but i kind of have to because of the relationship with diana but i just hate him um so his family are pressuring him to get married because at this stage now he's 30 oh my god yuck i know i'm sorry i'm actually sorry i didn't give you a warning about that. Imagine. Imagine being 30 and not married.

I would want to die. Yeah, like I'm 33 and I'm so married. Yeah, I'm 31 and mega married, so everything's fine. I'm totally married. I know of a guy, a cool guy, who was 33 and unmarried. He also did a little carpentry. I fucking knew it. was 33 and unmarried um he also did a little carpentry and so i think it's still cool to be 33 and unmarried okay and you can start carpentry whenever you want yeah that's what i'm hearing

that man's name was of course jeremy bilvenson or bilvo to his friends bilvo we're just making up names. What? Yeah, I love it. No, it's fun. No, no. That's the point of this podcast, isn't it? Yeah, just make up names.

That's what it's called, isn't it? Make up names. Yeah. Yeah. Please. Make up names. Please. Make up names. God, that would have been so much better.

A lot less work would have gone into it. A lot less reports. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We could just sit around making up names. Oh, that sounds like a lot of fun. Half an hour. You would get even more Patreon subscribers from that. I think so.

Maybe that could be a stretch goal for a next, like a bonus episode. We may as well call the Patreon read bit at the end. Make up names. That's true. Make up names. So anyway, the royals are like pressuring Charles to get married, but they definitely don't want him to marry Camilla because she's not a virgin.

Literally, they are very open about that. That was the problem. That's the reason. She had had a brief relationship before Charles and now is dating Charles and they've had sex. And the family are like, that's disgusting. She's impure. She's a slut.

It's crazy. They're not even hiding that. Wow. But Charles is also impure. Yeah, but it's fine. It doesn't a slut. Oh my God. They're not even hiding that. Wow. But Charles is also impure. Yeah, but it's fine. It doesn't matter if boys have had sex. I don't think men can be impure. Oh, that's fantastic news.

I think by being men, they are just great. Oh, self-cleaning. Self-cleaning. That's so handy. I mean, if anyone's self-cleaning, it's women. Exactly. But we just don't have time to get into that. We don't have time to get into the biology.

I don't want to get into that. Yeah. Teflon coated. Men. Men. Yeah. Have you tried men? Have you tried men?

I didn't realize it. I knew, I think I knew, I mean, obviously, otherwise they would have gotten married back then. But so I knew there must have been some sort of reason as to why they couldn't get married. But I did not realize it was just that. And they were in love. Yeah. They were really happy together.

But still. both of them seemed to think it was fine to not do this. Because they stayed in each other's lives as like best mates. And Camilla ends up marrying some guy called Andrew. And they're all in the same friendship circle. Like they all go along with these insane rules and don't question them. Which I just find wild. But then there's also no conflict i guess because they're all just friends so many lives would not have been ruined if they just let

charles marry fergie exactly not fergie camilla um yeah that's that's wild i don't think i could stay close friends and in the same circle as someone and their family who had done that. Well, I mean, it's all very incestuous. So, like, friends, families, neighbours are all probably the same 12 people. Yeah, you're right. Slim pickings. It's hard to find a new friend group. The British royal family being incestuous.

Come on, Dee. Heard it all. Crown breaking. That's funny because you're saying you hate charles i found that the crown made him quite a sympathetic character at times i shouldn't say i hate him because it's true he is a victim of the system and stuff but he also treated diana like shit yes that's right in that way it was one of those shows where there was episodes i was like oh fuck charles what a brutal life you've had and other ones where you're like, fuck you, Charles.

It's true. And they all did sort of have a brutal life. Like, it's a cult, essentially. Yeah. If you don't call it a royal family and you call it a cult, it becomes really clear how like abusive and fucked all of these weird rituals and stuff are. It's absolutely wild as well the way that the media and some people turn on like Prince Harry for walking away from it.

And it's like, are you crazy? He's the smartest person of all of them. Would you want to be a part of this? Fuck no. They were awful and racist towards your wife? Yes. Get the fuck out of there. Famously.

Yeah. A lot of the media are part of the cult, though. It's like anyone leaving a cult where you get outcast and they try and cast aspersions on your good name. Going back to like witchcraft days. Yeah, yeah. Salem. But there is a funny anecdote though.

So one night Charles, Camilla and all of their friends go out for drinks and there's a dance floor and Charles and Camilla are making out on the dance floor she's married okay at this stage her husband's there cool and everyone's just like all right this is fine it's the 60s or 70s probably now live a little making out on the dance floor but that night makes the royals and the queen in particular more motivated to get charles a wife they're like he can't be out here slotting around on the d floor um and not long after that diana suddenly starts getting all these invitations to social events uh one of them is an invitation to a weekend away at their country home which is also an insane thing but she's part of this weird elite social circle so

she's like i guess it's fine i guess that's fine the queen's invited me for a weekend away i know sure i'll go for i'm sorry guys i can't come to the pub on saturday i'm going away for the weekend with the queen yeah baffling baffling she watches charles play polo and the most erotic sport it sounds so boring oh yeah it's, yeah. It's so boring. And the two of them eventually do get some time alone together and get chatting. And during this conversation, Diana mentions to Charles that she recently saw photos of him attending his uncle's funeral, who he'd been really close to and it was really awful when he died. And she said something along the lines of,

you looked so sad when you walked up the aisle at his funeral. It was so tragic. I thought, this is so wrong. You're very lonely. You should be with someone to look after you. Empath. Yeah. But also, no, girl, like you don't have to be the person to fix him.

Yeah, you don't try and fix him. I know. But, you know, that shows like she was very sensitive. Yeah. And saw him being sad and did see that he was this lonely kid in this weird royal institution cult thing. So odd. She's so naive, I think.

Yeah. And young. Just young and sweet. That's the thing. So even though she had aged from a bouncy 16 to a slightly less boisterous 19, Charles became super keen after that weekend. This is when their romance courtship begins. So after that weekend away, he invites her to the theatre.

And here's the interesting thing about their courtship, as you said earlier, Matt. So they only meet 13 times before getting engaged wow and not a single one of those 13 times they are alone perfect gorgeous that's how i like to date dream yeah that's fun i love a chaperone is this not a date this is a date right now and it's going very well very well i'm on my couch. It's a date between you and I, but obviously I've brought Matt as a chaperone. Yes. Thank you so much.

And he's a great chaperone. Great chaperone. That's why I've been slapping away your hands. No. Don't you dare. I like the positive omen of 13. Oh, yeah. That feels good.

Oh, yeah. The evil number. Yeah. Yeah, that's... And then they get engaged. Oh, yeah, that feels good. Yeah, the evil number. Yeah, that's... And then they get engaged. That sucks. Like her grandmother is the main chaperone for these events. Or his royal family. The whole family. Love that.

Another disgusting thing is Diana never calls him Charles until they're engaged. She only refers to him as Sir. Yucky. Yeah, I don't like that. only refers to him as Sir. Oh. Yucky. Yeah, I don't like that. Yucky.

I don't like that. But I guess this is all normal to them. That's the thing. Like, there's nothing weird about this to them. Because he outranks her. Because he's a man. Oh, yeah. And a royal. And he's a royal.

And so maybe she just has this. And maybe the time period, maybe respectfully you do call older men. It's so bonkers. It is. But then they're engaged and she's allowed to call him Charles. Yes. That's the privilege of marriage.

Exactly. So you get to call people by their name. That's the only benefit that I can see. So I don't know if you guys have ever dated a royal in the 70s, but the logistics is insane. I had a few wild flings, yes. I thought you might. I thought you might.

Probably shouldn't say too much. So the weird process is Charles has to tell his family, in order to go on a date, okay, this is the process. He says, I wish to see Ladyiana on this date to the theater or whatever then it gets sent through all these different channels of communication eventually lands on the queen's desk she gets the final approval that then gets circulated back to charles to say yes you can do this that can take weeks because of how insane these people are. He can't just go to his mum? No.

He can't book in a time to see his mum? What? You've taken bloody cuckoo bananas pills over there, Jess? Like, what are you talking about? That is bonkers. Imagine now, though, he could just text her. What's up, mum? What's up, yeah.

No, he'd have to text someone in the, pass up the text chain. No, he'd have to text someone in the... Yeah. Pass up the text chain. Yeah, he'd have to FaceTime an associate. Yeah, right. There's probably a WhatsApp group chat for dates with the queen in it. Yeah, probably, yeah. Queen would not be in a group chat. She's like above.

Oh, okay. There's a secondary chat. Yeah, yeah. A secondary secret chat. Yeah. It's just her. What a fucking nightmare. And she says...

And I'm, you know, I don think charles is the best but what what an awful life in like a lot and to think that that's normal as well to never quit it sounds like he just and understandably i guess like you just don't question that that's most people don't question your own family unit and structure in general yeah and so for this kind of standing everyone in the public is also saying this is normal yeah so why would you question it and he'd kind of from memory on the crown anyway which i'd treat as a documentary he was kind of bullied his whole life or like even from inside the family they're like giving him sort of tough love trying to make him toughen up by oh yeah going to the school that he hates where he just feels like an

outcast everywhere yeah he had by accounts, he had no friends. His friends were his parents, like his dad's friends. It's really sad. And his mum showed him no affection. Zero affection. I don't think any of them really did. So weird. So he didn't know how to treat people.

No, he had no idea how to interact with another human being, let alone a child that he's courting. Yeah. He had no idea how to interact with another human being, let alone a child that he's courting. Yeah. Somehow he got lucky, met a soulmate, and his family said, well, you obviously can't have a relationship with them.

Yeah, obviously this can't go on. Not to give too much sympathy for this guy, but... No, I think we totally can. It's all very sad. It is. It's sad for everyone. And so unnecessary. Yeah. Like you said earlier, like it's so unnecessary. All of this drama could have been skipped if he was just allowed to marry Camilla.

Totally. And then somehow all of this, this weird cult family, they're the boss of Australia. It's so weird. We kind of accept and probably even more so like in the UK. Again, they're just kind of like, yeah, that's just how it is. That's how it's always been. But when you do step back a little bit and start to look at it, you're like, and they're in charge because, oh, they just were ages ago and they just kept it in the one family. Okay.

And do they actually have any power in a political sense? Like I don't think they really do. Maybe they do in the britain but they do they've got the i mean they've got the it's basically ceremonial but i think they do technically still have the power to sack the prime minister yeah what what do we know what queen thinks about albo yeah can she do it to in it or is it the governor general that can do it here well yeah who's her representative yeah that's right so i guess she could be like get him out of Yeah. Can she do it to, or is it the Governor-General that can do it here? Well, yeah, who's her representative.

Yeah, that's right. So I guess she could be like, get him out of here. Yeah, but no, she never would. No. But I think it's just weird that she could. Yeah. It is weird that she could. It's weird that we have a Governor-General.

What do they do? Fly around. Yeah, they sort of just. All the ceremonial stuff, I think. They loiter. They got, I know the last thing I heard about our governor general who i couldn't even name right now not anymore no uh not since quentin bryce that's exactly what i was thinking which is like an old reference or the old and there was the army guy yeah that's what i'm thinking the army guy but um he seemed all right the the current one i think recently i have to apologize

for um being in a like a t a TikTok video plugging a construction company. Oh, yes. Was that the... Oh, that was the Governor General. Yeah. I think so. I think you're right. That was our Governor General.

That's embarrassing. That's embarrassing. Yeah, it's so strange. Good Lord. He's like, I didn't know they were going to put her on TikTok or Instagram. What did you think when you filmed a video? You've got to be careful these days. Everyone's... I'm TikTok-ing you guys now yeah and instagramming you everyone's

always tiktoking always be talking always be talking always be tiktoking abt abt abtt so the press catch on to this courtship and they start visiting her at work at her child care center but at that stage it's like one or two reporters it's not crazy she is very very polite to them and doesn't hate it she's very gracious and says yes i'm you know seeing sir um yes sir and i and it's fine and then they just kind of let her go they don't really hassle her too much oh my god they let her go that's nice isn't that so nice of the paps but they didn't like hound her it was like one or two people loitering, asking for a comment, and then she gets in her cute little car.

Yeah, just a couple of people loitering outside of a daycare centre. That's cool. Yeah, like that's totally fine. You can see why that sort of perception of like they're people's princess and she's an every woman because she's working in a childcare centre and she's living like a pretty normal middle class kind of life even though she comes from wealth. Yeah, exactly.

And she is a lady. And the press cannot, and they try, to dig up dirt on her. Like they can't find a single thing she's done wrong. There's no like, again, maybe because this is pre-smartphones and TikToks. And she'd hardly been outside. And she hasn't really been outside of a sheep farm in 20 years. Yeah. But there's no like scandals or stories of her even like getting drunk.

There's just nothing. She's just like this really innocent. And then probably because of her age. She has no life experience. She hasn't had time to have a feral bite out. But also like if the media can't find anything, that also means the royal family have looked and didn't find anything either. Oh, and they would have loved that.

Yeah. And again, they of course have their connections with the media. So're like you bloody dig up some dirt on this she's a blank slate we love this about her exactly that's what they saw her as yeah um but the thing about having no experience with relationships is that it makes it hard to notice when you're in a shit one as diana will find out she happily and kind of naively went along with these family-controlled dates. He was still always the centre of attention. And the dynamic sounds like Diana, who is still just 19, naive and quite sensitive,

has that childhood loneliness experience that she is bringing to the table and it sounds like she just thought he was this sad dude in his 30ss with no mates she was like oh you're kind of sad and your family are kind of cold to you i relate to that yeah like that's sort of the vibe uh but during this courtship of uh 13 dates charles starts sleeping with camilla again cool well. Well, I mean, that's a lot of time. If you don't nail him down within 13 dates, as if he's not going to have a wandering eye. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like normal. Come on, ladies.

You've got to give it up by date 12. Come on. I'm surprised they didn't have like a little, you know, cupboard woman in the – A cupboard woman. A cupboard woman, you know. For satisfaction... I'm going to shut up.

I'd love... I have no... What is a cupboard woman? You two look like... Is this a thing that people know of? It's a woman thing and we're not going to share with you. You're not allowed, no.

Does everyone... Do all women have a cupboard woman? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Some of us were one. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. You guys have to interrupt me. Okay, so Charles and Camilla are shagging again.

You know, those two knew that they were doomed romantically. Charles kind of shrugs, chooses Diana. So even Camilla herself was part of the, and she's admitted to this, part of this royal conversation to say, yes, Diana's great for you. Wow. While she's watching him. It is. And married to somebody else.

And married to somebody else. And everyone's like, this is a completely normal thing that we're doing. Hey, D, question. Yes. How did Camilla get the nickname Fergie? I'm not going to dignify that with a response. It just seems like a bit of a leap to me. Yeah.

Camilla Parker Bowles, how do you get Fergie out of that? Yeah, no, it's crazy. These are two separate women. You know, nicknames. Oh, Fergie was her cupboard woman. Oh, good Lord. I'm ignoring you actively. And on February the 6th, 1981, Charles proposes.

Would you like to guess how he proposes um I'm gonna say indifferently and um in a in a in a not romantic way at all I'm gonna guess pebbles at the window boombox over the head yeah what song 1981. 1981. What else could it be? But one of the hits from then. Yes, exactly. A gramophone? A gramophone song. A gramophone song. A gramophone song.

1981. Yeah. Ancient times. Oh, yeah, yeah. Back when gramophones were around. Did they have boomboxes, though? Surely. What was in between?

In 1981, they would have had boomboxes. I know, but can they be portable? Boomboxes were classic 80s stuff, surely. 81? Okay, earlyboxes. I know, but can that be portable? Boomboxes were classic 80s stuff, surely. 81? Okay, early 80s, I'm not sure. Yeah, I reckon, probably. So that's what you reckon.

And I reckon they were playing Pseudo Echo's Funky Town. Gorgeous. That's the most romantic song, famously. That's how I was proposed to. So actually, Matt, you couldn't be more wrong. It was one of Pseudo Echo's other songs. So here's a quote, a direct quote from Diana about the proposal. Oh God, my accent. No, you can do it.

Thank you. I arrived at Windsor Castle around five o'clock. He sat me down and said, I've missed you so much. But there was nothing tactile about him. He wasn't even looking at me. It was extraordinary. But I'd never had a boyfriend, so I didn't have anything to go by. And he said, so will you marry me?

And I laughed. And I thought, is this a joke? And he said, he said he was deadly serious. And I said, was deadly serious. And I said, oh, okay. And a voice said to me inside, you won't ever be queen, but you'll have a tough role. So I said, yes, I love you so much. I love you so much, Charles.

And he said, sure, whatever love means. A couple of red flags there. Okay, point them out to me because I'm not seeing anything. Yeah, what do you reckon? Well, she thought he was joking. That's rude. He just proposed to her. And if she laughs when I propose, it's off.

Yeah, right. So I think Charles really missed a couple of red flags there. Okay. If someone proposed to me as a bit, I would laugh. Like, that's funny. Okay, well okay well quick question will you marry me i'm laughing but it's legally binding oh your heart your heart it's taken me so long to build up the courage to do that over an hour and um okay so the thing is there's an like that that's not just Diana retroactively making this story up because there's an interview not long before their wedding with the two of them. And they're asked about like, what's it like to be in love?

You guys are going to get married. Like, here's their opportunity to like do their PR stuff. Like, yeah, we're great. And they're sitting there next to each other like zombies, no physical affection. Neither of them are smiling. And Charles says this again in this stiff, weird way. Sure, whatever love means. He says it again.

Like he actively is saying that he doesn't love her. That is so odd. So weird. He wants to know what love is. And he wants her to show him. Maybe that was the song that was played. That's probably it. That's what was playing, which is why she was laughing.

Yeah. Because that's funny. She's like, I'm not going to be able to do this. Yeah. So, but she did, in whatever reason, seem to care about him. They both had lonely childhoods. She had classic, I'll fix him complex, and, you know, whatever. We've been there.

So, now they're engaged. Diana is almost officially a part of the royal family she starts planning her new life at the palace but the thing is nobody welcomes her or shows her around or says like hey this is where the bathroom is and this is where we sit for afternoon tea and like a single butler points and says, that's your room. And she's just left to like wander around this place that she's going to live in. There's no orientation. No orientation.

And not Charles either. Like no one shows her around. So she's just there as like a pawn, isn't she? That's just initiation. Yeah, like a prop. a pawn, isn't she? That's just initiation. Like a prop. Yeah, like a prop.

It's funny that even the butler, the single butler, he won't even. Yeah, he's like, over there, piss off. The married butlers were busy, but he was like, no, I'm not going to even give you any. Yeah. It's so strange. Like, surely the butler's like, oh, cool. It's a new person.

Yeah, let me show you around. She seems more normal than the weirdos that are here, but they're in the cult. But that's the thing. And she, like, over the years does try to talk to the staff who seem more normal, but they're told not to interact socially. So they're, like, running away from her.

And she's like, I need a friend. It's really sad. She's like, I'm just asking how your day's going. Okay, don't worry about it. I mean, in the royal family's defence, do they need to show her the bathroom? They'd be like 300. Pick a door. Have a piss.

You know? In the royal family's defence. If you get it wrong, there's like a thousand staff members that will clean up your piss. Yeah. You've got a 50-50 chance. And if you're wrong... You meet a cupboard woman. Yeah... You meet a cupboard woman. Yeah, you meet a cupboard woman.

And she might tell you where the actual bathroom is. She'd be the friendliest one of all. After she cleans the piss off her dress. Oh, God. So they have all these, as you would expect, bizarrely specific rules and rituals in terms of cutlery and clothing and how to act and even what to say and how to say it none of it seems real i have a specific spoon for soup yeah like they

would hate improv so much they'd be like this is not right you gotta eat soup a certain way i forget if it's like it's a way i think it way. Oh, that's a good way for me to remember it. There's a certain way. It's a way. But also, I don't know if that's right. I'm basing that on Beauty and the Beast when she ends up drinking it from the bowl. Yeah, because that's what I would do instinctively. As a beast.

As a beast. As a fellow beast. Hey, I'm a beast. It's one of the best things about moving out of home is now i can eat soup however i want yeah my mom can't be like away put the spoon away i'm like i'm gonna just shovel it into my face however i want i'm gonna use a fork shut up mom you can use a straw a silly straw one of those big wacky ones have a lot of fun burn my mouth that's affluent east for you telling you away away eat the soup away jessica yeah that's how my mom sounds so from the very start she's

an outsider right she doesn't know how to act or who to even ask for help again there's no orientation manual in the in the book there's no o-week yeah there's no o-week you need o-week there's no like airbnb like house rule manual yeah there's none of that no wi-fi password i love it when you stay in an airbnb and they've got like a full-on folder with like cafe recommendations. How to use the heater. It can be a bit tricky. So what you want to do is you want to hold the on button for three seconds.

That's what you need. It makes you feel at home. Exactly. Mi casa es su casa. That's right. Mi castle es su castle is what should have happened. That's what should have been said multiple times. I think we're... Me palace, Sue palace.

I think we're behind America, I reckon, with Airbnb. You see on Twitter, they're talking about it like they've just lost the passion, Airbnb hosts over there. Where I think we still get the folders and stuff, but they're like, all right, you're not allowed to use this room after this time and all these full on rules. Turn all the lights off by 10pm. Yeah. It's sometimes like that if you ever, like I'm not a rich person, but if you ever only

stay in a room at an Airbnb place, like that kind of stuff is. That makes me very anxious. I feel so uncomfortable doing that. I don't want to do that. Yeah. I automatically, first thing i do when i'm looking at abv is tick entire place well it must be nice yeah that must be over there madam princess i can't hear you from my throne yes and i'm sleeping in my car yeah i think i go right back to share house days where it's um only going out into the open areas when no one else is around. You can hear they've left and you're like, okay, great.

I want to quickly make some toast. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. Awful. I never want to live in a share house again. Anyway, this is basically what she's moved into. Like a cold share house full of freaks.

Full of freaks. Full of freaks. Been there. Where's some, like, Like Where Does she have a little What Okay What number on the phone Does she press for room service

Well that's the thing You know I don't know No one's telling her It should be in a manual Again Manual I'll stay in my room

But you gotta bring me food Yeah At least give me something In That biography In the book Andrew Morton The author

In Whose words though In Her own words In her own words. In her own words, okay. He describes it essentially, which is a good summary, as she's been given this incredibly important job with no training. Yeah.

And also during this time, pre-wedding, Charles keeps going off on like holidays. Like now he's locked her in. He's like, cool, we don't have to actually have a relationship. I can keep shagging Camilla, going hunting and shit. Diana ends up chatting with the staff and he has whispers that Charles is sleeping with Camilla. And by whispers, one of those is literally a bracelet that Camilla gets sent to the house and Charles opens in front of Diana. And the bracelet is engraved with, let's keep fucking.

Yeah, thanks for the bone, Sesh. Thanks for the bones. Not that different. Is it like a nickname? Fuck, I should have written it down. But it's like an in-joke. Yeah. Between them.

So he opens this thing in front of Diana and is like, hee hee hee. Right? Yeah, that's messed up. He is awful. Yes, he sucks. That's what I mean by he sucks um and he just has no idea i think like you say earlier matt like of how to be a person yeah and how to talk to another person and no idea of the consequences of this kind of behavior he's just like in a petri

dish yeah he's like a little freak i wonder if they've learned at all because of the way melissa margle or whatever was welcomed into the family. He's so good with names. You're amazing with names. Melissa Margle. You're a great call. Well, I know her because I've seen suits.

I used to watch suits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You love Melissa Margle's acting work. You know it's not Melissa though, don't you? Yes. Meghan Markle. Meghan Markle. Yeah.

Meghan Markle. What a great name. Almost as good as Melissa Margle. Almost as good as Melissa Margle. Almost as good as Melissa Margleton. It's perfect for, I mean, it already sounds so posh. It's perfect for the posh accent. Meghan Markle. Meghan Markle.

Meghan Markle. Introducing Meghan Markle. Welcome, Meghan Markle. Welcome, Meghan Markle. And Fergie. They'd probably say Megan, and she's like, no, it's Megan, but okay. Yeah, is it Megan? Americans say Megan.

Americans say Megan. Which sounds posher to me than Megan. Megan. It sounds weird. Megan. And she's like, no, it's Megan. Okay. Yeah, is it Megan? Americans say Megan. Americans say Megan. Which sounds posher to me than Megan. Megan. It sounds weird. Megan. Megan. Craig's their best one. How do I say Craig?

Craig. Craig. Craig. Craig. Craig is so funny. Your name shouldn't rhyme with egg. No name should. Cop that, Greg's out there.

Oh, no. I'm sorry, Craig. No, no. Greg is fine. No, you've made your rules. Greg's one of my favorite names. And I'm standing by them great names great names um yeah so diane is just feeling super super alienated um by charles by the family this is also when her eating disorder behaviors get really bad and i should flag i'm not going to talk about any of the specifics because that's unhelpful um but it's really bad and it's very clearly a coping mechanism Charles just stops

courting her and showing any interest in her now they're engaged that's the thing it's a done deal that's where so many relationships uh start to fail is because you know you settle down you might live together and you stop dating you gotta keep dating each other interesting you know, you settle down, you might live together, and you stop dating. You've got to keep dating each other. You know, do things together, activities. Go to the movies. Talk to one another. I think there's this weird thing in society where, and it's probably phasing out,

but you sort of grow up thinking, you know, when you're an adult, you get married. And that's like seen as sort of the end yeah you get married have kids and that seems the end so i guess that's what people go all right finish the relationship now we just sort of close to the end yeah tick tick i've gotten married and i've had kids i don't have to do anything to nourish those relationships whatsoever no no they're just like there i shouldn. It's not like I need to work even harder now. The things are way more full on.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's the opposite. No, no, no. You do less and less. So in the days leading up to the wedding, actually both Charles and Diana are freaking out. She is crying pretty much daily. He's panicking. He's even saying to friends,

I don't know if I want to do this. She's saying to her sister, I don't know if I want to go through with this. And her sister. The one who dated Charles? Yes. Incredible. Do you know what her response is? Well, your face is already on the tea towels.

Oh, good point actually, Sarah. Yeah. Nah, that is a good point. It is a good point. Cause how much pressure would you feel if you were engaged and there was already merch? Yeah. That is so funny. How tacky the royal family were engaged and there was already merch? Yeah. That is so funny. How tacky the royal family is that there's tea towel merch. Yeah.

Yes. For a place with so much money and an institution, there's like every street corner is selling tea towels with Diana's face on it to like mop a dish. Yeah. It's very odd. Not even nice merch. Yeah. But I like to buy it when I see it in an op shop.

Oh, yeah. You must. You must. You like to buy the dye stuff? Oh, yeah. I like to buy the dye. You like to buy the dye? I love in an op shop. Oh, yeah, you must. You must. You like to buy the dye stuff? Oh, yeah. I like to buy the dye. You like to buy the dye? I love to buy the dye.

Oh, you must buy the dye. I'm a guy who likes to buy the dye. We're writing a Seinfeld episode all of a sudden. It feels more like a Dr. Seuss book, actually. Yeah, it's not good. This is a bad draft. I did buy the Meghan Markle, thank you, and her boyfriend. His name is?

The Prince. Yeah, that's right. Which one? Harry. Harry. Well, his name is Henry. Which is sure for Henry. Melissa and Henry, my favourite royal couple.

I love them. But when we were in England last, doing a tour for this show, at the airport I bought a box of tea that was Megan and Harry. Did you? Yeah. That's cute. Did it have a pun? Was there like a pun?

I can't remember. I'll have to dig it out. Did you just want tea or did you buy it? No, I just thought it was so funny to have it. You accidentally bought the royal one. Over there, that's all you can get. It's harder to get one that doesn't have the fucking royals on its middle. You think you've got a Lipton and you turn it around and there's the queen.

Another queen tea. They've done that to our money over here, but over there it's everything. Right, so while both of these, well I was going to say children, she's a child technically, she's 19. While they're both freaking out and not really wanting to do this, of course they go through with it and the wedding happens on the 29th of July, 1981. And I'm interested, have you guys ever seen photos or videos from the wedding?

Bits and pieces, but I'm imagining more like the, because it's always such a big procession like into the church and out of the church. That's what I'm imagining, people on the streets and stuff. Not so much the ceremony itself I can think of. But it's this enormous like parade. Oh, yeah. It's like a weird festival.

She is wearing – it was the 80s. It's not the best. The big puffy shoulders, a quilted dress that was 30 feet long. Like that's too long. That's too long. In my opinion. How do you walk like that? You don't at all. It's too long. That's too long. In my opinion. How do you walk like that?

You don't. At all. It's too much. It would be heavy. Yeah. And like you say, just so many people like packed around the palace. Everything is huge. And it would have been super influential as well, right? Like everyone all of a sudden would have been going, I want the Diana dress for my wedding.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Big puffed shoulders. And it would have been like a grand final day. Everyone's lining up to attend this event. Our version. That's our version. Australia's version of a royal wedding is the grand final parade,

which happens the day before through the streets of Melbourne. A beautiful time. Yes, beautiful time. Bit of culture. Bit of culture. Oh, you want to get a bit of culture? Bit of culture. Yeah, well, you better go check out the grand final day parade

where the players ride in the back of utes down Swanston Street. And nay a tea towel inside. One cool thing to note, though, is that Diana requested the vows be changed from love, cherish and obey to just love and cherish. Oh, that's sick. Which is pretty cool because even though she was young and intimidated, she was like, like no i still believe in this and kept a bit of part of oh that's awesome that feels like they allowed that yeah yeah that's surprising so that's pretty cool i reckon yeah that is pretty cool especially as you say at a young age and and it's hard to sort of speak up for

yourself yeah she's like i'm not saying obey it feels like net you hear obey now and you'd be like well that feels gross but back then that would have yeah that feels like that would have been pretty bold yeah yeah especially because she was calling him sir and stuff she was she was obeying yeah yeah like in action but i'm not gonna say it but i'm not gonna say it i'll do it but i won't say um i won't get into it again but diana later reported that she hadn't slept or eaten for two days leading up to the wedding from stress. So, I don't know actually how she did it. The big fanfare, the speeches, the after party. I think it's called a reception.

After party. Because she would have just been feeling awful. Yeah. And this is a fun guessing game. Do you guys want to guess how many people across the world watched the wedding? It was a big one. Yeah, 300,000. And don't say something like 750 billion or something.

No. Don't be like those people. We used to do that. And I reckon occasionally like, oh, big number. Wow. 10 billion? No, it's like 10,000. Yeah.

No, I reckon what? 300,000, 400,000? You reckon half a mil? Wait, is this? Yeah, I'm just thinking that. Yeah, this is like 10,000. Yeah. No, I reckon what? 300, 400,000? You reckon half a mil? Wait, is this? Yeah, I'm just thinking that. Yeah, this is like worldwide televised. Oh, no. More people watched TV back then.

I'm going like two or three million. So when I said don't say 750 million, that was the amount of people. 750 million people. What? Tuned in. We must have been so culturally deprived in the 80s. I reckon Australia back then only had the three channels. True.

And it probably was on every channel. And they all would have been tuned in. Yeah, you're absolutely right. Seven, whoa. Love a simulcast. Mile. That's incredible. Bunkers.

Yeah, you're right. I think with Harry and Meghan's wedding got a lot of – I mean, I watched that. I watched it. But it surely was less because there's more on. There's more stuff to do. There's more people. True, but like – And we aren't as invested in the royals as well.

I mean, I could not give a fuck, but I was at a party with it on the TV. I mean, I could not give a fuck, but I was at a party with it on the TV. Yeah, I was away for the weekend and got back to the house where we were staying and put it on and watched it for the night. Yeah, I was at a mate's for dinner and then we were like, oh, this is happening, let's put it on. Let's put it on, yeah, yeah. But it's not like we had gathered there for that. Yeah, but then it's just a happy coincidence.

A great coincidence. That's incredible. And it doesn't sound like the wedding was fun at all because again of these weird rituals and stuff, Charles and Diana were constantly like, right, it's now, it's this time, you have to sit in this chair and wear this thing. Like there was no fun or spontaneity

and they look fucking miserable in the photos. Dee, I've just Googled Harry and Megan wedding viewing numbers. Yes. According to economictimes.com, an estimated 1.9 billion. What? I mean, they definitely pad out those sort of numbers, but. Billion? Billion?

It's just because there's more people, I reckon. Fucking hell. And maybe easier to stream it or something? Yeah, probably. And here I am like, surely less people watched it. They had stuff on. I know, I was like, culturally we don't care about the royals. All three of us watched it.

Yeah, no, that's what... That's true. If I'm watching it, then... Yeah, and I'm pretty sure I saw William and Kate's as well. And although I do bet a lot of people listening aren't. I didn't fucking watch it. They're yelling at their iPods. Yeah, probably.

Well, of course. 1.9 billion's on everyone in the world. Wow. Sorry, iPods. Yeah, probably. Well, of course. 1.9 billion's on everyone in the world. Wow. Sorry, iPods? Yeah. iPods, yeah. So the listeners of this podcast- They listen on iPods.

Listen on iPods exclusively? Yeah. And we made a bad deal a few years ago. Yeah. And now when they disagree with us, they yell at their iPods. Yeah. You can only get this show on iPods. Yeah.

That's why I've never heard of either of you. Yeah, that's right. That's why I thought it heard of either of you. Yeah, that's right. That's why I thought it was called Make Up a Name. Make Up a Name. Yeah, so terrible day, not fun. Diana later said, the day, oh, sorry, I'll do the accent. The day I walked down the aisle at St. Paul's Cathedral, I felt that my personality was taken away

and I was taken over by the Royal Machine. Whoa. Which was an actual machine. Wow. A robot, yep. I am the royal machine. Whoa. Which was an actual machine. Wow. A robot. I am the royal machine. That's all it says. It's like, okay.

Yeah. It's quite useless, actually. It doesn't show you where the toilet is. Can't make you food. Nah. Can't do anything. Nah. But it looks cool.

It does look really cool. It looks regal. It looks very futuristic as well. Yeah. And it's got a little crown on it. Love that detail. Oh, cute. Little robot crown. It's pretty cute. Camels are terrified of it. Oh, and it's got a little crown on it. Love that detail. Oh, cute. The robot crown.

That's pretty cute. Camels are terrified of it. Oh, my God. So scared. Laser beams in their eyes constantly. Okay. Right. Married life.

Now that they're married, Diana becomes really focused on actually trying to make the relationship work. Bless. Bless. Bless. But it's barely begun, and he's already off on holidays seeing friends meeting up with camilla and she talks about crying most days during their honeymoon because he was off just living a life like he wasn't on a honeymoon oh crazy so like is the the belief that even once they were married he was still sleeping with camilla 100 it's unclear

if she's married stopped. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. Like, she just had no support network to be like, this is not on. Her support network was like, you're on the tea towels. Just put up with it. She did kind of fall out with her family as well. Like, she hadn't spoken with her mum in a few years

before she died and stuff. Like, she had kind of fallen out. So, she really didn't have any support network, exactly. That's sad. And everyone around her was just like, no, this is fine. What about her old housemates? Were they sort of cut off? Like, the normies she was living with.

I think she stayed in touch with them, but given her now, like, weird obligations and stuff. Yeah, it's not that easy to just meet your friends for brunch. No, she'd have to probably telegram the Queen. Yeah. It's a long process. They're like, can I go for bottomless brunch? And six months later, they're like, no.

No. They're like, no, you put on some pants, please. That's what bottomless brunch should be. We do things differently in the royal family. I would love that kind of bottomless brunch. Probably like at a friend's house, not at a cafe or something. Not at a cafe. But I would like that.

It'd be so comfy and free. You know what? You can do it, Jess. You can just begin your own little traditions. I'm going to do it. Just by myself. That's certainly fine. If you do it by yourself, I think that is totally okay. That's certainly fine. Set up a whole big brunch on the table.

Sit down. Have a great time. So you're organising a buffet. A buffet for myself. If I'm understanding this correctly. Yeah, it's a lot of food waste. A lot of food waste. Sounds like a lot. Okay, I'm going to revisit this idea another time, I think. It's good we can workshop that.

So these crazy kids have to do a royal tour as part of this post-wedding ritual and they are just exhausted. Diana is exhausted, barely eating, barely knows her husband and isn't really given the opportunity to like hang out with him even. So it sounds like he wouldn't want to if he could. He wouldn't want to. If anything, he was actively avoiding his wife. At this stage, this is when Diana becomes a little bit more extroverted when she's traveling around and interacting more with the people of the country that she's visiting or with the press as well.

So this is when the media start being like, hey, this woman has a personality and she's kind of cool. I think it's so funny that Charles gets bitter and jealous about it. He's giving her no attention. Yeah, he's totally neglecting her but also deeply jealous. Yeah. You could totally use her to your advantage well you know just like an image if you're if you're not paying her any attention

and you're treating her so poorly how do you feel bad that she's talking like just talking to the press she's desperate she's just chatting and she's funny like she's really funny and making all these like funny little jokes in the press and And they're like, oh, you're not like this stiff royal. Like you're actually pretty cool and funny, but still nice and respectful. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, so that's sort of when this people's princess thing, people start really liking her because she's just a normal person. And it's so true that if he was just doing it for putting up, you know, appearances and stuff. He would have been smart to just be like, oh, wow, they hate me and they love her.

This is good for me. Yeah, totally. Way too insecure for that. Yeah, that's a good point. You know, like a comedy duo. The straight man's always like, they're never the popular one because they're doing the work in the duo. And the funny one gets all the love. He could have just been the straight man. Yeah the duo and the the funny one it gets all the love he could

have just been the straight man yeah yeah let die be the funny one overall overall the two of you still likes the team yeah you got a job to do yeah you set her up she knocks them down someone should have explained to them about like comedy duo dynamics alas. Now, we have to talk about Balmoral. I've written. We have to. We have to. We simply must talk about Balmoral. I've actually bolded that for some reason.

Now, Balmoral. I know that word. You would know this from The Crown. Okay. So, this is the, actually, was it in The Crown? Or was it in the recent movie Spencer with Kirsten Stewart? I haven't seen that. I haven't seen that either. Is it good? Oh, I loved it. From little clips I've seen, I was like, bloody hell, Kirsten Stewart. I haven't seen that. I haven't seen that either.

Is it good? Oh, I loved it. From little clips I've seen, I was like, bloody hell, Kirsten Stewart, you're doing pretty well. It was really good. It was more of like a psychological thriller than anything to actually do with Diana. Yeah, cool. It could have been about anyone in a way. Anyway, that's our movie review podcast.

Balmoral is the royal home in Scotland that the royal family go to for six full weeks every year. And it sounds horrible. Every minute of the day is planned. Six-week holiday? How cool is that? The entire family? I mean, with that family? I'd love to go away with my entire family.

For six weeks? Yeah, it'd be sick. No way. Nah. Three days max. In a weeks? Yeah, I'd be sick. No way. Nah. Three days max. In a castle? My own father says that. Three days max.

He goes, what's the fucking thing? Fish and guests start to smell after three days or something. It's like three days is it. Is that true? Very funny. Fish? Well, I don't know much about food preparation and storage. I don't eat fish, so I don't know.

Yeah, he's leaving it out in the sun. Yeah, he's leaving the fish out for three days. We're not doing six weeks. I think in a place that normal people could afford for a holiday for six weeks, that would be a nightmare. But in a big castle, if you're allowed to get out and about, then... But yeah, if every minute's planned... But you're not.

No. Yeah, yeah, if every minute's planned... But you're not. No. Then that would be awful. Every minute is planned and scheduled and there's itineraries to the nth degree. Every minute of the day is formal. You're never allowed to just chill. And you have to change outfits multiple times a day. It's basically once every two hours you have to change your clothes. Why?

And hair. It's the same as the cutlery. Don't question this stuff. Well, you need to be wearing your lunch dress or your lunch suit. And the guys have different colour suits they need to wear. But nobody's there. It's just a family holiday. I know.

That's why it's so fucking batshit. It's even more bonkers. You're doing it just for each other. Yeah, so strange. Just keeping everyone in line. Is anyone like, yay, I get to get changed again? And I'm sure you can't outfit repeat. So it's how many clothes are you taking?

This is how it has always been done. But that stresses me. That gives me anxiety imagining doing that all the time. I feel like you'd never actually have time. You would just be getting changed by the time you come to the table. They go, next outfit. You've got to go back. You'd slowly become a cupboard girl.

He's just trying to figure out what a cupboard girl is. I still don't really know. Throwing out guesses. We'll never tell. So, of course, Diana has to go to the six-week outfit rotation thing and hates it. It's literally, she describes it as mainly her role was to sit silently and politely

while the queen has a rotating, sometimes she has guests over who are usually rich old men who will stand up and just recite speeches about shit that they know about poetry or politics or like nightmare. And yet it's cold in Scotland. It's cold famously. So there's all these unspoken rules. For example, if the queen wants to go for a walk around the garden, first, Charles has to go out and inspect the garden

to make sure that there's no other guests or staff present so that she can be alone. Because she does it nude. Because it's a nudie run. She has a bottomless every day at three o'clock charles has to inspect the ground and he has to do it nude as well you go nude and then i go nude that's okay why does charles have to do it why can't a staff member do it well before well Dee hasn't mentioned it, but

first, a butler goes nude to make sure it's okay if Charles goes nude to make sure it's okay if Liz goes nude. Oh my god. It's quite a process. At the end of the film, it's set by the time she can't even have her garden walk. Yeah, she's like, I can't see shit out here.

Nips would be hard as well. In the Belmarca, it's rocks. see shit out here. Yeah. Nips. Nips would be hard as well. Hard as rocks. In the Balmoralca. Hard as rocks. The queen with hard as rocks nips. Shuffling around in the dark. The queen has nipples.

Yeah, I know. I'm just picturing it now. It's wild. Isn't that weird? Isn't that so weird? The queen's got nips. I can't believe that. She has to put on a bra.

And the other funny thing is she was as old then as she is now, I assume. She was born old. Yeah. She's been old for about 90 years. Hello. Hello. Hello, my nips. She's been the same age for about 50 years.

As hard as rocks. My royal nipples. Ah, thine royal nips. Butler, please,ine royal nips. Butler, please. Soften thine nips. Okay. So, most of the time, Charles is off hunting, playing polo, doing stuff that he's allowed to do that Diana's not. And this is normal to him.

This six weeks is normal to him because he's like a little petri dish freak. And everyone is saying, no, this is totally normal to Diana, who is internally freaking out. Ugh. Oh, yeah, so she tries to talk to the servants. She's like, hey, at least can we have a chat? And they're like, I'm sorry, I'm not even allowed to socialize with you. So she's alone, constantly alone. And another insane rule is that they don't turn the heating on.

Oh. One of the richest people in the world. Richest people in the world in one of the most freezing countries in the world. No heating. So she's... And skinny. So she is fucking freezing. But they have heating. Yes.

Why don't they turn it on? One of those weird rituals. Seriously. That's... Okay. It's like one of those don't question it. They're not sure. It was because...

Yeah, no one knows. Yeah, all those things come from one time, the king was like, the king, he ran hot. He's like, I run hot. No, we don't have it. So everyone's freezing. That's just what we do. And that gets passed on.

And this was probably before electricity. Yeah. So it was like, don't light a fire when King Henry's around or whatever. And now the queen's like, we must all be freezing. Yeah. Because King Henry was. Why? I don't know.

That's just how it's always been. Oh, that sucks. It's crazy. Pump that heater. Diana keeps trying to bond with Charles, but by all accounts, including Charles's own autobiography, when he and Diana would talk in these early weeks as a married couple, he would lecture her about art and philosophy. Cool.

Great. That's great. So he enjoyed sitting her down and telling her about the world. As a feminist, I love the idea of Diana getting an education in that way. I think that's so great. Because I think women should learn things as a feminist. I think they should be allowed to know about art and literature. Who better to explain it to you than a man?

What an ally. Your husband. I never really thought of him in that way, but yeah, Charles is a feminist icon. He is the original feminist icon, I would say, actually. Yeah. Yeah. So there's this one story about them having a laugh together,

a single story about them having a laugh. That's nice. I can't wait to hear this story. This is going to be funny. Oh, this is going to be so bad. Notoriously a difficult laugh, a single story about them having a laugh. That's nice. I can't wait to hear this story. This is going to be funny. Oh, this is going to be so... Notoriously a difficult laugh, Charles. This is going to be so funny. I can't wait.

I hope you guys... Well, you're obviously seated, but prepare for your sides to split. Oh, no. All the royals go to the Highland Games, which is this big sporting thing, and the national anthem is being sung. And during this time, Charles and Diana are having a giggle. They're sharing. They find something funny and they're just like, hee-hee.

And the queen turns around and gives them a death stare. And from there, Charles doesn't talk to her for the rest of the day. Well, it was her fault, wasn't it? Because his mum glared at him for laughing with his wife. He has a very strange relationship with his mum. She drew him into temptation. Yeah. The giggles.

How dare you giggle? Yeah, it's so fucked. I love a giggle. If you can get on a real good giggle. I love a giggle when you shouldn't be laughing. That's the best one. My brother and I cracked up at a funeral one time. It's one of my happiest memories. Once you start, you can't stop. It was so

funny. I remember in primary school they played The Last Post over the speakers. Oh, funny song. I mean, it's a bugle. Yeah. Tell me not to laugh. It's a bit funny. Yeah, and we're children. Yeah. Bringing it back. So he didn't talk to her all day because

they had a laugh and he got in trouble. Well, in her defence, the song was about her. Pay attention. Pay attention to the song about me. They're telling God to save me. That's pretty good. That's good. His clean is very good, I will say that. Yeah.

You know, you were doubting yourself. We've set a low standard if that's pretty good. That's pretty good. Don't you, hey, don't you talk down about yourself. So, there's no honeymoon period. It's doomed from the start. Great. So, of course, they didn't really have an engagement period. There was no courtship engagement honeymoon.

Maybe that one giggle was the honeymoon period. Yeah, that was it. Oh, that was it. It was over before it began. The honeymoon period's different for everyone. For them, it was one fleeting giggle. That's true. We shouldn't judge.

Every relationship is different. Exactly right. So what do these crazy kids do? They get pregnant. But I'm curious as to how. And don't... You don't have to explain. But I just mean he avoids her like the plague.

Yes. They never interact at all. You're telling me they fucking... No, what I think happened was... I assume it would have been like a one time, we need to make a baby. Very fertile. Strategic.

I think Charles asked her to smuggle some semen into the castle. Oh, Matt. Every woman is a castle. I've always said that. Your body's a temple, unless you're a woman, then it's a castle. Then it's a castle. Boys are temples. Good Lord.

Wow. Okay. So I'm... So is that... I'm never sure where a line is, but I feel like I crossed yours there, Dee. Is that fair to say? No, I enjoyed it. I liked that.

It didn't look like it. I was like, I can't brief back on this and then be proud of myself, which is why I remained silent. So I'm wondering if there must have been like pressure from Lizzie. 100%. Because he's the – Charles is the heir to the throne. Yes. So then he needs to make an heir as well.

Yeah. There's no aphrodisiac like your mother-in-law pressuring you to bone. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, constantly. Yeah. Diana has a really awful pregnancy. She's sick all the time. Really bad nausea.

She's still expected to go to all these dumb social events. So these royal doctors swoop in and help her by giving her Valium. Cool. Classic crazy woman pills, which in Valium's defense are very fun. But she doesn't want them. She doesn't want to disappear and she doesn't want to be a zombie pregnant woman and disappear from herself. She uses the fact that she's pregnant as an excuse to not be essentially sedated.

And it tries essentially to muddle through this pregnancy. It tries, essentially, to muddle through this pregnancy. And less than a year after their wedding, Prince William is born in June 1982. 1982. All these key events seem to happen in June and July. Was she born in June and July? Yes. They were married in June or July. I guess it's like summer weddings are big.

Right. They're there when they get sun, like once it's like a summer weddings a bit. Right, yeah. They're there when they get sun like once or twice. Summer births are big. Summer births are big. Summer births famously. Which I guess means they're boning in autumn.

Christmas time. Oh, Christmas time. They have 12 month gestation periods over there. No, six months. Oh, fuck. Whatever. Counting's hard.

Counting is hard. And at this time time Charles and Diana are fighting all the time and this is when they start properly lashing out at each other she like throws shit at him

he calls her moody but also she's like a 20 year old new mum with no support who wouldn't be moody that's so funny she's

oh after all this has happened she's now the old age of 20. I know. Fuck. Right?

Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah, she's a baby. It's awful. And basically has postnatal depression that's being ignored. Instead of trying to help her, Charles would do these weird things to lift her spirits and then walk away when it didn't work. And this is my favorite example.

One time he he she was crying and he literally walked her into a room and put on a record of super tramp really loudly okay that would help would it yeah for me yeah love super tramp love super tramp what's a little bit oh that's super tramp um audience no That's batshit. So she didn't find that particularly useful. Okay. They fight a lot. She gets sassy, saying things like, you'll never be king, you know, belittling him. It's so funny to think that he's like, played a song she doesn't like and he's like, well,

I've tried everything. Yeah. He's like, why aren't your spirits instantly lifted? Bitch. Yeah, you bitch. When I hear the tramp, I'm up in a bear. Look at me dance. Lifts me out of any funk.

He's just shuffling. Bop a little bit. Hey, look at this. Look at that. You know, super tramp are great. I'm not arguing that. Let's go on the record. We all love and adore super tramp.

Super tramp. We know at least that one song. Probably more. Probably. Probably more. Don't they do that, take a look at my girlfriend? Oh, yeah, maybe. That sounds similar to the one Jessica said.

If you play that, that'd be about Camilla. Yeah, that's brutal, actually. Don't play that, Charles. Don't play that one. Piece of shit. So all this time, she's trying to be a good parent. She loves being a mum. I mean, there's that.

She really wants to be a good mum. And the queen is starting to notice that diana is less poised and more conversational with people that she interacts with and the media she's funny and fun and lizzie does not like that and tells her off and is like you need to be more formal it's so funny it is well for the queen it's like this is good for the whole family you're making the people give a shit about you again yes although they obviously already did but like positive press instead of just like neutral like propaganda press uh and the public yeah are loving her she's a favorite she's becoming like a celebrity as opposed to this pristine untouchable thing and charles notices as

we mentioned earlier how much more popular she is than him. And, of course, grows very resentful. And during this resentment period, they go on a royal tour to Australia when William was really little. You would have seen that in The Crown. Again, bringing everything back to The Crown. Which they filmed in somewhere that did not look like Australia. Yeah, it did not. It really didn't look anywhere like Australia. Not that, I mean, it doesn't really matter.

They didn't have Sydney Harbour Bridge or the Opera House in the background? Oh, they probably green screened that. Every time. DeGraves Street, DeGraves Street. Yeah. That's what I was looking for, a tram. Hello. Ding, ding.

No, they had, yeah, when they were meant to be in the Outback, it was clearly like Argentina or something. Oh, wow. Clearly Argentina? It was clearly Argentina. Is your eye that good that it was clearly like Argentina or something. Oh, wow. Clearly Argentina? It was clearly Argentina. Is your eye that good that you can clearly spot Argentina? I'm like one of those TikTok map guys who goes, have you seen those guys on TikTok?

Or like they just get a photo of dirt and they go, okay, that's red dirt. Yeah, that's definitely in Iowa. I'm going to say in the west of Iowa. Yep, there we go. Three Ks off. Wow. You ever seen those guys? Well, no, but you clearly have, which is why you could identify Argentina. I'm going to say in the west of Iowa Yep, there we go, 3k's off Wow You ever seen those guys? Well no, but you clearly have

Which is why you could identify Argentina Yeah, yeah You're like, easy, Argentina Wow, look, I'm lying Whatever it was, I read an article later that said Clearly it was Argentina or whatever And I said, yes Yeah, clearly

Clearly You just soaked that up Okay, here's a fun fact that I actually just learnt last week So this is actually in addition to the report. But the Melbourne Arts Centre built a bathroom specifically for Princess Diana. What? Because they were like, you're too good to like piss with the commoners. And it was this enormous underground blue tiled, like it had those bulbs on the mirrors.

It was this insane, like a backstage dressing room that cost them hundreds of thousands of dollars and diana refused to go in it because she was like this is so uncomfortable if i want to pee i just want to go to the bathroom i don't because all the staff were like excited for her and like they definitely set up a camera in there 100 oh my god although that's why they had the perfect lighting. They made her her own special bathroom. Like if you're just wanting to pee and everyone's excited for you, like what were they going to say when she came out?

Yeah. How was it? How was it? Fine. It's fine. Thank you. Why are you paying so much attention to my bowel movements? Yeah.

That's odd. She was never interested in being treated. Does it still exist? No. It doesn't. The art centre was like, this was a waste of money. It was a pop-up toilet. It was a pop-up toilet.

Nobody. Just give her a portaloo. Yeah, give her a portaloo. It feels like, I mean, it was a waste of money, but if they kept it, it would be a fun thing to have now. Yeah. And you'd almost think it was worth it for the ridiculous history i'd go piss in that that's what they wanted it to be yeah that's what this

article said like they wanted it to be part of like the tour because you can go on like a backstage tour of the art center piss where the princess pissed and they wanted it to be like look at this amazing bathroom but instead now i guess i don't know maybe they store like weird torsos of dummies in there or something. Okay, I'm glad you finished saying with dummies. Of dummies, yeah. The torso room. Great room at Comedy Festival. Yeah, I'm doing the torso room this year. Oh, nice.

So the press just keep loving her and just slowly are actually turning away from loving the royals. Not that they can actively hate them in the press, but they're just like, we love this Diana chick. She's way better. And then, of course, because everything happened so quickly, she's pregnant again. Pregnant again, super quickly. Where was she trying to smuggle this scene into?

This birth, however, happens in September. Oh, Harry, you little prick. I mean, he's close, but yeah. I mean, redhead. Redhead, yeah. He was always dodgy. Excuse me. I'm right here.

And Diana loves being a mum, but like last time is like super depressed. The royals may go see another doctor about her moods, try to put her on Valium and just ignore her. Oh, good Lord. Also, in case this wasn't clear, Charles and Camilla are still boning this entire time. Maybe. Is it possible that Camilla's the real mother? If Charles is boning her...

We've already been here for two hours. We do not have time to explain how babies are made. No. Why? There's simply no time. You couldn't even grasp the cupboard woman. I'll tell you off the pod, bud. We'll have a chat.

I've got some diagrams. Yeah, I just think Fergie could have been involved. It's an offline chat. Fergie could have been involved. How do we know? Like if Charles was having two relationships at once, how do we know who the real mother is? You're right.

We don't know. I couldn't actually agree with you more about anything thank you anything at all anything it's like what you say to like a little kid yeah oh no you're absolutely right you're so right yeah and then great call do you want a sandwich you want a sandwich a bit of apple i'll cut up some apple for you a bit of pineapple a bit of nana too okay yeah let's have some apple and nana okay here's a funny story though so in 1985 charles and diana go to the ballet i don't know if you've heard of this i've heard of ballet particularly have you heard of the ballet it's a little bear yeah um something they like to do together it's like one of the few activities

they enjoy doing is going to the theater and going to the ballet and during the intermission diana is like oh just for a sec i've got to go to the bathroom and then suddenly charles sees her on the stage and she's wearing this like fun little dance dress and what he doesn't realize is that as a surprise for his birthday she's been secretly practicing and she performs a dance routine for him to billy joel's uptown girl what it's like a fun surprise to be like look at this cute thing Wow and he gets so mad because he's like you're a showy little bitch yeah it's not appropriate and it's not appropriate but I would be like so tight secretly taking dance That was so brutal Watching the crown That's You're like

You're like Maybe this'll This'll Cause she's trying so hard Melt his cold Fucking heart She loves to dance as well Yeah

He couldn't even be like Proud of her To be like that's cool Or even neutral He was angry about it Yeah How dare you embarrass us like this I know

The crowd was loving it Obviously as well Yeah of course Cause they're like You're so cool Also What a banger banger of a song you're so you're so not used to people liking something that you mistake it for something you should be embarrassed of yeah oh that's so true what's this reaction cheers or laughter they would just get like yeah intimidated looks which they interpret as joy and respect. Oh, so sad.

Wow. I did not know that. Yeah, it's really sad. It is sad. I have another story that, I'm sorry, I was going to cut this, but I just couldn't because it's so funny in terms of demonstrating how removed from reality Charles was and is. So I think that there's also like Diana not quite understanding him thinking that he would

love a surprise. True. Yeah. Like this guy would love a surprise. Also, it's like at the ballet and she's big again, like Billy Joel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They don't know each other. Yeah. They don't know each other at all. But this. Okay. So I love this story. So Charles is playing polo one day and he breaks his arm as you do when you come off

a horse and he has to go to hospital for rehab and the media for some reason, they must be really bored and they're speculating like, what's the real reason he broke his arm and just tabloid shit, you know like the real reason he broke his arm. It's literally like he's so

boring. It's polo. There's no scandal. No ulterior motive. They're saying stuff like he broke his arm It's literally like he's so boring It's polo There's no scandal They're saying stuff like he broke his arm so he could suck his own dick That doesn't make sense We're all saying that and Charles is like What? You can do that? That's not how it works If your arm can't touch your dick

Then your mouth grows Your lips grow longer You get more flexible So for some reason Then your mouth grows. Your lips grow longer. You get more flexible, actually. So for some reason, Charles thinks that this is a good idea. He plans a press conference and he buys a fake arm with a hook on the end of it. Oh, my God. And what his plan is, is to tell the press that he lost his arm, that it had to be chopped off and that now he has a hook hand.

And he's pranking them. And he somehow thinks that this will make him like funny or likable in the public eye. I mean, that feels like he's having a crack at it. It's a good bit. Don't get me wrong. Hook hand can't go wrong. Yeah. But in terms of a

royal thing to do so diana finds out about this and she shuts it down good she's like your mom's gonna hate this but instead of saying that to him directly she says to his staff tell them you tell him that you lost the arm say it's gone missing please don't do this it will humiliate him and his family and everyone will be bad. So that's what happens. I would totally let him humiliate himself. I know, but she's too nice. She's so nice.

Oh, and he's such a dick to her. I want to know where the hook hand is. Yeah, I definitely want to know where that is. So it never happened and what did we find out about this in her own words or someone else's words? I think he even told the story in his own autobiography he's like oh i had this uh funny little scheme or however he would phrase it oh my god yeah because yeah i imagine um people who've lost arms wouldn't have found that hilarious no not a prank to do at

a hospital to bring all of the media to a hospital to be like oh my arm had to be decapitated just kidding just kidding don't worry i've still got my arm. Yes. These losers might not, but I do. And it's not an impromptu thing. He's like planned it and invited the press. It's odd. It's so embarrassing. Yeah, it's very embarrassing.

Yeah. It's bad. It was like we did an April Fool's Day episode a while back and there was a prank with some sort of military guy and he called a press conference and said there was a nuclear attack happening and all these people died and then he's like, just kidding, April Fool's. Oh, my God.

It's like, read a room, dude. People don't know what a prank is. No, no, no. A prank is a whoopee cushion or a pin cushion. A pin cushion. A cushion related. Those pranks're cushion related. Those pranks are cushion related.

Yeah, that's right. That's how it has to be. It has to be done that way. All right, let's stamp the timeline. It's mid 80s. Charles and Camilla shagging all the time. It is sometimes mentioned in the press, but in weirdly neutral terms because they love the royals. And it's described as, and I hate this, extramarital chummery.

Oh, I'm right on the edge of hate and love there. Yeah, me too. Chummery is very fun. It's chummery. It's chummery. It's so disgustingly British. Yeah. Chummery. Chummery.

So speaking of extramarital chummery, Diana, by this stage, is like, fuck it, and starts her own affairs. Yas, queen. Yeah, get it, girl. Yas, princess. She starts sleeping with her bodyguard, whose name is Barry Manicky. Oh, great name. Later said she was in love with him, but when the royals found out, he of course got fired.

Now, we could do a whole other episode on the conspiracy theories because i had to cut all of that stuff out oh no people will be shattered that's a follow-up episode we could do that but this is where one of the conspiracy theories starts because three weeks after he was fired he died in a car accident that has a lot of mysterious holy shit they offed him allegedly yes freaking. Frickin' hell. Seriously. Oh, that's awful. But it's, yeah, it's really sad.

Yeah. Because he was her friend as well. Yeah. Like, he was a genuine, confident someone that she really liked. So, there's this awful death. She's now without physical protection of a bodyguard and, you know, she's lost her friend. Oh, my God. And she's scared.

And that, I mean, luckily that doesn't turn out to be some sort of a royal family M.O. for having people off in suspicious car accidents. Right? Yeah. Yeah, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good. So, it could have been an accident.

Because it's a one-off, you assume probably just an accident. Yeah, that's right. Just a one. If it would have happened again for you, you'd be like, oh, something a bit fishy all of a sudden. Car accident, shame on me once. Yeah. Car accident twice, shame on, that's the same. The royal family. Yeah, something a bit fishy all of a sudden. Car accident, shame on me once. Yeah. Car accident twice, shame on, that's the same.

The royal family. Yeah, that's right. It's a conspiracy. So the bodyguard to replace Barry was a man named Ken Wharf, who did a lot of his own interviews about this time with Diana, said she was super down to earth. Everyone just says glowing things about her. He said she was the best boss he'd ever had.

And not long after he started diana said do you know about the affair with camilla like am i a public joke like does everyone know this really can you be honest with me and he was like yeah look yes all the staff know we're covering up for him all the time this has been happening since yeah you guys started dating and it just kind of confirmed to her like wow fuck like people are laughing at me my whole family it would just be really humiliating even though she already knew it was happening it was just like this extra to know that all the staff were in on it um and stuff is just yucky not that but it feels like no would anyone have been laughing at her it feels like everyone would have been like this is unfortunate unfortunate. I think she would feel.

Yeah. Oh, no, I understand. She was right to feel that way, but they weren't actually going, Diana, you silly girl. No, no, no. They were probably, if they were laughing at her, it's for probably being like, you think this is weird. Yeah, right. This is normal. But it just, yeah, it it just sucks and she just continues

to feel really alone um there's one point in uh an interview with diana where she's quoted as saying i was in tears sobbing went to the top lady which is what she calls the queen which i find really sweet i went to the top lady because she's normally bottomless the queen, which I find really sweet. Top lady. I went to the top lady. Because she's normally bottomless, the queen. Famously bottomless. But this time, top lady. You've got to specify. Her nips were not out. No.

Not this time. They were still rock hard though. They were rock hard underneath. No bra. No, I don't think she would ever wear a bra. No. Why would you? You're the queen.

Too much. Let the corgis out. Which is what she calls her nipples. Let them swing. So Diana begged the queen. Her nipples are swinging. That's how big they are. Yeah, they would.

I'm not body shaming. I'm not either. I think it's beautiful. She's 95 years old. She's 195 years old. Yeah, she's 195 years old. And has been for as long as I can remember. For a very long time.

And has been since she was negative 190. That's right. Queen's age up in 390 year increments. Famously. Yeah. So she said, what do I do about this affair? And the queen said, I don't know, and left the room. Cool.

Basically, keep pretending everything's fine. You're weird for even asking. Right. So timestamp again. We're in the mid 80s sorry to bring up another tragedy but aids is ripping through the world and there is so much fear and misinformation and stigma at this time it is a new disease people don't know how it's transmitted there's homophobia associated with it racism it's just fucked and diana was absolutely the first public person to go to hospital wards and

touch people who had the disease to and she did this deliberately because at that time you people thought that being in the same room like you could get it they thought it was like an airborne thing um they thought it was covered right so that that's what they like public thought that but public medical people knew right but they couldn't get the word out it was so early days yeah do you know what i mean like this like remember like even covid like there's still misinformation about covid and that kind of thing yeah people saying it exists early days and i don't think public health awareness was a priority for british people uh in general so she became really passionate about that and

being photographed sitting on the beds of these aids wards people and talk just talking to them like they're humans and that actually changed the perception of aids hugely like all these council still are like no no she was like a typical person wow just pretty save lives probably then yeah yeah yeah definitely in a way how cool in a way you know uh in a way yeah um yeah so there's a famous photo of her sitting opposite and shaking the hand of a man who had recently been diagnosed with aids he didn't want his face in the newspaper for obvious reasons so it was taken from like behind the back of his head. But a nurse on the ward told the media how moving it was that Diana entered the ward without any gloves on

and was shaking people's hands and, you know, taking that back to her social circles to be like, you know what, this is not how the disease is spread and just, you know, I don't know. It's a pretty cool thing. Treating them like people. Breaking all sorts of protocols in the course of that. Treating them like people. Breaking all sorts of protocols in the course of that. Treating them like people.

We don't treat them like people. Not wearing a glove. Oh my goodness. So around this time, this is now where Sarah Ferguson. Okay, Camilla. Before mentioned. Oh yeah, Camilla. Yeah.

So she had her name changed. Deedpole? Prince Charles's brother, Andrew, marries Sarah Ferguson, the original Fergie. He's the one that doesn't sweat. Is he also the pedophile? Is he the pedophile? Yeah. Allegedly.

Oh, sorry. Allegedly. So allegedly the pedophile is with Fergie. They're not together anymore. No, no, no. Yeah. with Fergie? They're not together anymore.

No, no, no. Yeah. But I guess the reason I'm bringing her up is because Diana took her under her wing and showed her all these protocols and showed her around the palace

and showed her how to act in Scotland and was like, you, this is all bullshit but this is what you have to do. Yeah. And I just think it's nice

because she was like, I didn't have anyone to show me the ropes. I didn't have an ally. I was on my own and really lonely. I don't want you to feel like that. Yeah.

That's awesome. So she told Fergie how it all went. Yeah, how it happened. Oh, that's awesome. Because Sarah Ferguson was actually from a slightly lower class background as well, which the press made fun of her for being, you know, like slightly overweight or slightly less posh and stuff. And Diana was like an ally to her.

How funny is that that they're like oh you're a bit more regular let's make fun of that like not celebrate it so strange very strange um so through fergie diana met a man named james hewitt and started an affair with him uh charles was still off with camilla it was just obvious that this marriage is just a complete sham just weird that there were a few years of this just sham marriage um was the bodyguard the red-headed guy who was the one that that's the james hewitt who i just mentioned oh right so he's the one that people used to say is harry's real dad but the timelines they got together later yeah harry was already born when she started. Well, allegedly.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe Sarah Ferguson is Harry's father. She's a redhead. Yeah. Do we know? Redheads. In this circle. Okay. Complicated.

We could draw a family tree. No, we won't do that. We won't do that. So, after this affair and through Diana getting more of her own identity and being involved in charities and stuff, she cut her hair. This is when she cuts her hair. This is when she got the cool fuck it, wine mom kind of attitude, which I kind of like. She went out more, took her kids out, like just the three of them would take them to like theme parks and just basically was living the life of like a single mom anyway.

Well, like Hollywood on the Gold Coast? Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Wow. There's photos of them doing the little log rides. Should you get the three-park super pass? Oh, you have to. Bloody hell. It'd be crazy not to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, are you going to pay individual prices at each place? That's true. You're dreaming. All right, jumping ahead to 1992. Things for the royal family reach a climax when that is not a sexual way either. An enormous fire breaks out in Windsor Castle.

It was not suspicious. They have lots of shit and a curtain literally was ignited by a candle. Oh, wow. Someone lit a candle? I thought no heating. In Windsor Castle, you're allowed to. Oh, you're allowed to have one candle per room. One candle per room and never in Scotland.

And it can't be scented. So they lost a lot of staff. It was a big deal. It was very stressful. And this is all the while Diana and Charles, all of their affairs are in the press. Hey, Dee, can I just interrupt just for one second? Of course. And say, we'll be right back after these messages.

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I just wanted to start by saying I loved those messages. Aren't they good? They're so good. Make you think. Yeah, make you think, make you laugh, make you cry. Yeah, so all of the affairs are in the papers the fire has just happened the queen at this point unfortunately is having a 40th coronation ceremony and she starts her speech no shit by being really miserable and

she essentially says i won't look back on this year fondly. I won't. Wow. She's just like everything's fucked. I've had a shit one. Yeah, I've had a real shit one. Yeah, interesting. It's just, yeah, everything's kind of imploding in terms of the royal family. And to bring things back to Diana, she's trying really hard to be a good mum and a good person in the world, raise money for all these causes, but in truth is she can't trust people. Her husband is cheating on her.

Her family, new family never cared about her. And it ends up coming out that even her therapist was on a retainer with a newspaper for a set amount of money to give stories. Get fucked. Like you couldn't trust anyone anymore. That is horrendous. That's awful. Insane. That's got to be, yeah, that's got to be yeah that's got to

be against some sort of rules i think at least 10 rules it is against minimum if not just a moral code yeah um and that's why i like whenever i hear people you know talking about diana being a little bit you know hysterical or crazy i'm like she, to me, she was super composed given all of this shit was happening. I would be full bonkers. I'd be doing the Britney Spears with shaving the head and the baseball bat. And fair enough. Like you're being treated like insane

by everyone around you. Her version of that was getting slightly shorter hair. That is, wearing bike shorts. Pretty radical. Wearing bike shorts, going on a log ride. So not long after. Not a euphemism for sex. Not, never, never.

So not long after that coronation ceremony in 1992, Diana and Charles gave up and denounced their separation. All the staff say that in some ways they feel a sense of relief. They don't have to keep pretending that things are fine when they're clearly not and diana's secretary said he felt like he was being bullied into automatically always being on charles's side when he was trying to defend her and stuff so he was like i don't have to pretend anymore uh and i at about this time diana's quoted as saying every strong woman walks the same path is it it is the strength that causes fear why is she strong where is she taking this and where is she going to use it i don't know but i'll fight to the end wow is

this around the time she also said there were three people in our marriage exactly that is coming that is coming up so she's now separated and free from this marriage but again back into a new form of sadness and torture as part of the separation arrangement she is not given sole custody charles is oh what so she is only allowed to see her kids on the weekends oh which is sucks that's when she wants to get out and party yeah so she's like you know so to go to a party on a Wednesday. He gets her on school days and she has to look after him all day. That's a doggy deal. That's a doggy deal. That's a dog deal.

That's a dog deal. That's a bloody dog deal. You've been dogged by the judge, dear dog. Oh, dog, dog. That sucks. But, you know, surprisingly, she actually is not happy with this arrangement. She feels really lonely and she wants to raise her kids. And there's a quote

from her i want my boys to have an understanding of people's emotions of their insecurities of other people's distress and of their hopes and dreams it's kind of amazing that through all this she's come out understanding what she was missing and knowing that she didn't want to repeat those mistakes because it seems like everyone else in the royal family haven't understood it and have just passed it on generation to generation and even with now like not to jump around too much but even now with william and harry yeah harry's gone off and he's doing his own thing and william's very much part of the royal family still in that weird cult so i always wonder what their relationship is like yeah how's their text relationship?

Because they seem like they were pretty tired at some point. They were, definitely. But yeah, I think with Harry leaving, it's tougher now. It'd be weird. It'd be strange. It'll probably be better once the Queen's dead. Probably. We're all waiting for that day.

Realistically. Really, you hope that the royal family learnt from this whole thing with Diana that they're not – I mean, you would have thought they would have learnt to not alienate outsiders and welcome them more, but obviously they haven't quite done that. You would think that, Matt, wouldn't you? Surely they're not as bad at least. If there's one thing 90-something-year-olds are good at, it's change.

Yeah. Old dogs, new tricks. They love that stuff. They love that. They love a new trick. So while she's separated, she still has her place in society with her charity work and ribbon cutting and whatever, but it is a lot less than it used to be

because she's not accompanied by this royal title anymore. But she still is the people's princess and loved by the everyday person, the common man. And this is when I said, yeah, she enters her wine mom phase, which I say with complete affection because she has nothing else to do. She has oodles of time, oodles of money and can't see her kids. So she's like, fuck it.

I'm going to get into bike shorts and go clubbing, date a whole bunch of cool people, which she does. I can't even list them all, but they all seem pretty cool. Like an art dealer guy, whatever. But all, I mean, going off what you said before, she's not enjoying herself still because her only good time in her life happened in the share house in her 20s. Is that right? Yeah, that is true.

Or is she enjoying this a bit more? I think she's trying to. Right. Maybe she's trying to be like making the most of this awful situation, which is what you would do, I guess. Yeah. When you're still young. I don't even know if she's even 30 at this point yeah it's crazy yeah but crucially around this time and i don't think it's a coincidence her relationship with the press

starts to sour and it kind of sucks because she's single and allowed to be dating and now she's kind of painted as a slut and a bad mom and stuff even though all of this stuff is out of her control are you one is this because the the power of the you know the buckingham palace are they surely like poisoning the well i mean i don't have evidence of this but i suspect that they don't want they want to freeze her out right and freeze out any association with her and make sure no one else tries to follow the same path probably yeah be like don't want they want to freeze her out right and freeze out any association with her and make sure no one else tries to follow the same path probably yeah be like don't be outspoken hey fergie don't wear bike shorts yeah the classics um and this is when the paparazzi stuff really kicks off into

horrible stuff um we talked about like hidden cameras as a joke earlier but uh a man actually does that he goes to her gym and he installed a hidden camera to film her in the changing rooms and while she's working out and he sells the footage to the well-respected publication daily mail who print nine pages of it what and he goes to jail i assume uh no they settle out of court but the fact that this was like a commonplace thing is like i don't think like we're still pretty tabloidy and trashy but i don't think you could get away with this shit anymore hey like hidden cameras no i'm sure you go to jail for that and blatantly printing nine pages of it yeah and the headline wasn't even good like they didn't even have a pun they just wrote die

spy sensation die spies all right i guess but yeah then just adding let's workshop it a little bit guys i know and also that's horrendous die spy with my little die spy with my yeah getting there oh i spy with my little die yeah Yeah, I spy with my little die. There we go. Cute. We should email the editor. Yeah, let them know. So this is one of the only times that Diana is actually like, this sucks, this is too far. And she does sue him, settled out of court, which, again, is not really spoken about

as though anything had actually happened. So her relationship with the press moved from a celebrity photo here and there to targeted harassment. And the paparazzi are getting more and more aggressive. They shout things at her like the C word, which I shan't say. Crown. Crown. They say crowny.

Coronation. Hey, coronation. Or bitch to get a reaction. Do you think of bitch as a C word? I mean, it has a C in it. Yeah, it's close to it. ABC. Yeah. That's a reaction. Do you think of bitch as a C word? I mean, it has a C in it. Yeah, it's close to it. Yeah. A, B, C. Yeah.

That's a family. Okay. So, any word beginning with A, B, and C is a C word. It's a C word. Okay. Yeah. That's how it works. Yeah.

Thank you, Jess. Thank you. It's like anything from D, E, F is an F word. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, you dog. Don't drop the F word.

Don't drop the F bomb. Thank you very much. Edit that out. Timestamp where that was and get rid of it. So, yes. The relationship with the press becomes really bad. Naturally, there are times when she loses her cool and shouts back at them. And, of course, those photos are worth more because she's showing emotion and it sucks. Like, one horrible example is the week that her grandmother passes away,

which the press definitely knew just happened. Diana has custody of her kids that weekend and she takes them to see the movies to see Jurassic Park. Fun. Fun, right? Great movie. She's like, I'm going to try to do something nice for these kids, see an amazing film.

And as she's trying to leave the cinema, the press is shouting abuse at her and one of them throws a paper cup at her. And Diana turns around and ends up shouting back why don't you rape someone else which okay speaks to how violated you know fuck she's a pretty fucking good comeback to shout back at someone to be honest like it's to really try to get them to understand how horribly violated she's feeling. It's a horrible thing to say, but it's also an accurate feeling. At such a vulnerable time. Yes.

Such an arsehole thing to do. Yes. A paper cup. Come on. But just screaming bitch and just like, yeah, it's just crazy. Don't you think it's also embarrassing for whoever it was that they threw a paper cup? They're actively shoving her as well. They're shoving her to get a reaction and stuff.

It's awful. But it's just so funny that a paper cup, like the lightest, she would have been like, what are you doing? Yeah. Have you thought about how ridiculous? Yes. I mean, you're being awful, but you're also like this is. You're being pathetic.

So pathetic. Yeah. But she even comes out. On every level. She even comes out and is embarrassed sometimes at yelling at them and says, I know it's just a job and they have to do it, but I do sometimes wish they wouldn't. That is so classy. And I'm like, that's so fucking classy for people who are screaming at you and pushing

your kids in the cinema and stuff. Yeah. No one has to do that job. Exactly. Nobody has to. But it is a real cultural thing that in the UK, their paparazzi was crazy and still is crazier than ours. She just can't trust.

So she's being filmed in private places. Her therapist is selling her innermost thoughts. It's unbelievable. I had no idea it was this bad yeah neither did i until i really did the deep dive and i think that's when i was almost more impressed with her composure yeah like there are less there are not as many photos of her yelling or anything than you would expect when you find out about these details i don't remember any of those photos of her yelling i just remember always being super chilled out.

But inside, she must have just been like, like I have no emotional regulation whatsoever. Like if one of you said a joke to me, I'd cry or whatever. Like I just am a little baby. I don't know how these people do it 24-7 and they're being monitored. You'd just be a shell of a person. Yeah, you would.

You'd get home and just sleep, I guess, all the time. And not in a cool way. Yeah, not a cool way. Sleep in a sad way all the time. And not in a cool way. Yeah, not a cool way. Sleep in a sad way. Sad sleep. And not a restful way. I remember being confused by what the obsession was with her. You know, you're ever at a supermarket, every magazine cover seemed to have her photo.

Yeah. I just, I didn't get it. But do you reckon, do you understand going through it why people were so obsessed with her? Yeah, because of how she was in terms of being not like the royal family. Yeah. And also a victim of an affair. Yeah. So there was all of that, you know, tabloids love a scandal.

And then when they separated, they had more to go on because they're like, she's actually going out now. So I don't agree, of course, with the press. But when you think of it unfortunately like that you know it's interesting to make money it's interesting it's celebrity scandals people love them yeah so gross so okay timestamp 1993 she's had enough of this uh harassment and announces a resignation of sorts which is something that harry did yeah And it's quite difficult to wrap your head around the logistics of it because she doesn't have to resign. She doesn't, she's not employed.

Yeah. But the reason she's doing it is to basically say back off. Yeah. Right. She's still doing her charity work and stuff, but it's just a public statement to say, please leave me alone. Yeah.

So she doesn't have to resign. There's no job. She, and she's still doing her charity work. Yeah. And she's not a, she's not a blood Royal either. alone. Yeah. So she doesn't have to resign. There's no job. She, and she's still doing her charity work. Yeah. And she's not a, she's not a blood Royal either. So no, so it's not like,

yeah, exactly. It's actually very different to Harry because she's not even leaving her family. It's just more saying like, so part of her statement, I won't read the whole thing. Uh,

but she's saying, I was not aware of how overwhelming the attention would become, nor to the extent to which it would affect my public duties and personal life in a manner that's been extremely hard to bear. I hope you can find it in your hearts to understand and give me time and space that has been lacking in recent years. So it's more just a statement to be like, back the fuck up. Very reasonably said too.

Just subtly saying, have a look at yourselves. Yeah. Think about what you're doing i'm just a person yeah i'm just a gal with a great haircut leaving alone and bike shorts and the bike shorts we cannot forget um also worth noting is that they remain separated uh for many years they don't actually get properly divorced until 96 so it's this weird stretched out separation which again fuels a lot of the media stuff because they're speculating like what will the divorce They don't actually get properly divorced until 96. So it's this weird stretched out separation, which again fuels a lot of the media stuff because they're speculating like,

what will the divorce look like? How much money will she get? And like probably just making all of this shit up. But it adds fuel to that fire. And just seemingly to get ahead of the press in 94, Charles has a one-on-one interview with the BBC and he confirms that he is now dating Camilla. Oh, he's met another lady.

That early? Yeah, so even before the official divorce. But it was definitely a PR thing because he's like, I just want everyone to know that we gave our marriage a good crack. It just didn't work out. He's trying to get ahead of whatever Diana will say. Because she has actually remained completely silent this whole time. Is there any reason to believe that she's going to say anything?

Or she's going to try and make him look bad in the press? He will probably think that when the divorce is finalised. Yeah. She'll kick off. Maybe? Is there anything to suggest that? Like, she's always been pretty... I mean, she has mood swings and...

She might be honest. She's very moody. I don't... Yeah, I assume it's a standard PR thing that the royals do. I just assume it's part of their weird deal. Right. So, it's this big official interview that's really more of a propaganda thing. And I don't know if you guys have heard of the revenge dress.

Oh, yes. So the revenge dress is a thing where Diana knows that this BBC interview with Charles is going to be aired that night. And she goes, right, I have two options. I can stay inside and hide while he says all these lies about our marriage or i can pretend it's not going to happen and that's what she does she wears this super hot black off the shoulder number and goes to a party and she looks hot as fuck and she's like i don't care so that's why that dress is sort of known as the revenge dress because she's like i want you to know that whatever you say about me and whatever lies i'm gonna keep living my life you know and she said that it's

not just like she went out and wasn't really thinking about it oh no it's definitely all premeditated a premeditated dress big time big time my goodness and also i wouldn't want to just be at home knowing that that was being televised and everyone was judging me yeah is that in her own words a revenge dress i don't think that was her own words i think that was the press called it that but i think every woman should have a revenge own words, a revenge dress? I don't think that was her own words. I think that was the press called it that. But I think every woman should have a revenge dress. You've got to have a revenge dress in the cupboard next to the cupboard woman. Of course. That's what she's there for, to protect the revenge dress.

Oh, okay. Why didn't you say that earlier? Try to get it and she goes. Yeah, she hisses. Yeah, yeah. She'll bite. It's pretty gross. It's pretty full on, actually, yeah.

Important role. She'll bite. Yeah. It's pretty gross. It's pretty full on actually, yeah. Important role. The following year, Diana did her own interview with the BBC and that's where she publicly stated that she felt the royal family were waging a campaign against her and that she felt unsafe.

Leading up to this interview, she'd been taking public speaking lessons even though she was really eloquent and articulate, but she was so scared of saying the wrong thing so she was really really prepared she says i am a threat to the royal family because i don't go by their rule book and this is where she drops that famous line there were three of us in the marriage so it felt a bit crowded wow but here's a fun twist. Okay. Compared to Charles' BBC interview, this one was very unethical. So this journalist, Martin Bashir, a former senior judge and well-established journalist, it turned out he lied a whole bunch to get Diana to agree to the interview and to reveal more stuff. So the BBC sat around and forged documents to make it look like everyone in her

life was getting paid off so they had a fake bank statement with her brother's details on it her brother charles brother charles what that showed daily mail payments going in and they showed it to her and they said look even your brother wow that is awful the bbc fucked up it was only two years ago that they finally got in trouble about that and that's because harry was pushing for it whoa so this journalist a well-established yeah bbc journalist is sitting there saying look you can't trust anyone and she already can't but he's coming up with forged documents yeah Yuck. Just to manipulate her. So yuck. Oh, my God. I didn't know that. And that interview won a BAFTA.

Fuck off. Like, it's just insane levels of, yeah, deceit and just so yucky. It's so unethical, yeah. Yeah, so it was only two years ago that their BAFTA got revoked and they issued a statement being like, Oh, we're so sorry for doing that. Oh, whoopsie. Whoopsie.

Ugh. Anyway, so. so sorry for doing that. Oh, whoopsie. Whoopsie. Anyway, so. The BBC. The BBC. A C word, of course. Yeah, triple C word. Triple C word. Triple C word. There's a lot going on.

Big corrupt C's. What's the? Big corrupt. Corporation. Corporation. Thank you. Yes. Couldn't think of another C word.

Corporation. There's not really a lot to say between the years of 95 and 97 because she actually is lying low and she's also dating a cool heart surgeon guy by the name of Hasnat Khan, who is a British Pakistani heart surgeon. It sounds like they were deeply in love and trying to just lay low but he actually ended it because he said to her,

we can never have a normal life because of who you are. And I find that really sad. That is really sad. Because it seems like that could have been an opportunity. Yeah, all she wanted was a normal life. All she wanted. And it's not her fault. No, it's not.

She's like actively avoiding the press and then he's like, sorry, I can't have a normal life with you. I just want to go to bottomless brunch and we can't. I know. It's like we all just want to be bottomless. Yeah. Like just we should all be allowed to say that. We need the poo.

It's a human desire. He knew that going in. I know. Yeah. Why be together for a couple of years or, you know. I guess that's fair. You know, it's fair enough. You know at the start who she is. But guess that's fair, you know, it's fair enough to change your mind and stuff.

But it does feel like, yeah. It's sad. I guess we never really know. Of course. Like the circumstances. But of course, in my eyes, Diana is perfect. So, June 1997. Okay, June.

Another, this is obviously. June, another pivotal month. Yeah. It's always June. This is obviously June. Another pivotal month. Yeah. It's always June.

In June 97, Diana starts dating a man named Dodi Al-Fayed, who you might recognize. I recognize him. That name. So, his upbringing, he's the son of a man named Mohammed Al-Fayed, who's a billionaire business guy and owner of Harrods Department Store. Oh, yeah, of course. Yep. Do you guys actually know Harrods? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So it's like a bougie David Jones. I think it's even posher than David Jones. Even posher than David Jones. Well, to me, we've established I can't even afford a full Airbnb. Oh, no, look, I understand. That's posh to me. Yeah, no, it is posh to me too, but it's funny to use that as a marker.

That is the marker. Even posher than David Jones. Even posher. use that as a marker even posher and a very cool thing about dodie's dad muhammad is that he hates the british upper class establishment and the royal family so you assume that his son maybe also feels like that and again this is me totally speculating but maybe they bonded over that yeah like yeah those guys suck they suck and they holiday together in France. They go yachting. It's like a really cute, hot, sexy romance. She would have been like, wow, you can do this on holidays?

I thought you just had to sit in the cold. I thought you had to just sit there in silence in the cold and watch the Queen walk around naked. There's actually so much more you can do. It's a very intense romance. Diana is being flown back and forth from london to wherever he is in the world like he will fly his private jet to her and helicopter and be like meet me in paris and it's you know cute and hot and fantasy stuff in august 10th 97 exclusive

photos are published in the tabloids of Diana and Dodie having a smooch. The photos themselves aren't even scandalous. They're just hanging out. But journalist Michael Hobbs, who I don't know if you know his podcast, You're Wrong About. No. He does a lot of myth-busting of popular stuff. He did a deep dive series into Princess Diana. He describes these photos of Dodie and Diana as being the ones that killed her.

Not literally, obviously, but for the last few years, photos of Diana hadn't been worth much because she had just been laying low. She was in a sort of long-term relationship and she wasn't doing much. But these new ones of her with a billionaire's son on a yacht, they sell for two million pounds. Whoa. Wow. And previously, photos of Diana had been worth about one or two hundred. Shit.

Yeah, it's big. So paparazzi go, wow, Diana's big again. We need to start. We need to chase her. Yeah, we need to chase her. These photos are very valuable because more stories can be written and it can now be more scandals about her and now she neglecting her son amazing that the tablets can make like make that money back and make a profit off it it's so wild that it's

yeah it's weird to think about handing someone a check for two million pounds in in the 90s yeah for like two photos so you can put some photos in a magazine that how many magazines you have to sell based on them to at least 10 20 copies i mean i guess i don't know how much they cost back then 100 grand each or whatever probably i think yeah but yeah it's crazy it's crazy so they that really changes things that changes diana's relationship again. The paparazzi start harassing her again, which she had been able to avoid for the last couple of years.

So on the 22nd of August 1997, Diana leaves London for the last time to go on a cruise with Dodi. And they cruise around France for a week. And on August 30th, return to Paris via a private jet. So we are in her final days now, folks. I'm sorry. So the circumstances of her final days are as follows. Dodie's family own the Ritz Hotel in Paris as well as a small apartment nearby. So they fly into Paris and from the airport are driven to the Ritz Hotel

by a man named Henri Paul who is head of security of the hotel. He's not actually a driver. He's head of security, but they get him to do it. And they were only going to stay in town for the one night. It was William's birthday and Diana wanted to buy him a present. Oh, William's birthday.

Yeah. I didn't know that. No, me either. And separately. Dodie wanted to do his own shopping. And he. When he was. Away from Diana.

For an hour or two. Went engagement ring shopping. So. But by all accounts. The press were everywhere. And paparazzi were like hounding them. So neither of them really got to do. The little dumb errands. That they wanted to to anyway yeah um they had two little extra i mean

it's already it's obviously a sad story but what heartbreaking details yeah i know i know her son every birthday is reminded of this and she was maybe about to get engaged and start a new life yeah it's such a mundane thing that she wasn't able to do because there were literally crowds of cameras and stuff like just buying a gift so diana and dodie in the evening are like we can't we don't know what to do tonight they go to the apartment and they thought that that would be more private than the hotel but there are photographers everywhere they're camped outside in chairs. It's awful.

They're throwing stuff. Yeah. And you can only assume they brought those chairs up the butt. That's the only way to carry a chair. Yeah. How was he going to bring them? Famously. Actually, this is France.

We don't know. Oh, I don't know. We'll have to do it over there. It might be a different orifice. Yeah. And it's around 7 p.m. This is, keeping in mind mind these are normal people with appetites they don't live in this apartment there's no food and this is before uber eats

so they're like we're hungry we do need to leave this apartment unfortunately it wasn't before one three double one double six pizza delivery wow is this is that what the messages who were from earlier yeah i hope so we wish we could get Pizza Hut. Oh, imagine getting that Pizza Hut coin. So they had reservations to go to a nearby restaurant, but that is already packed with people, so they're like, fuck this. We're just going to go to the Ritz Hotel. At least your family owns it.

Maybe we'll have a little bit more privacy. And there's room service. And there's room service. But not totally the case because photographers are loitering. They eat really quickly. They have a couple of drinks and they're kind of stressed because they're like, we just want somewhere to sleep tonight and then go back to London tomorrow.

After dinner, they're trying to work out how to go back to the apartment because by now the hotel is like just swarming with paparazzi wouldn't they all those the paparazzi also be like well we're not all going to get two million dollars there's now going to be every scenario there's going to be like a hundred photos of it from different angles so they're like diluting their own yeah thing none of them would be worth much money their photo will be the one where you can actually see a face instead of just each other. They're actually just taking photos of each other's heads. You've got to be in it to win it.

That's making them all strive to go a step further and a step too far. It's true, yeah. Literally weaseling their way in and stuff. It's awful. Here is a very interesting, important thing that i didn't actually know about

um onri the person who collected dodie and diana from the airport that guy i mentioned the head of security he's called back to work that evening to drive them from the hotel to the apartment but he had clocked off he'd done his duty for the day he wasn't like rostered on and he'd been drinking all after oh shit he'd been at various for the day he wasn't like rostered on and he'd been drinking all after oh shit he'd been at various bars like fair enough he was just allowed to he clocked off yeah picked up these celebrities in his eyes dropped him at the hotel and then his duty was done yeah he's done but for whatever reason and it's still to this day unclear why dodie called him he obviously just trusted him yeah trust probably he was head of security his family hotel yeah

but he probably trusted him too much if he didn't say i'm not right to drive too much and again we don't know what that conversation looks like maybe again henry was like terrified of losing his job it felt like he couldn't say no we don't we don't know this is again me just speculating but he was like hey it's cool to drink drive don't worry about it hey actually it's cool it's actually really cool. That actually makes me want you to drive us even more. He's wearing sunglasses. Like, it's nice.

I actually drive better when I'm drunk. It's actually totally fine. So, yeah, for whatever reason, Henri leaves the bar, goes to the Ritz Hotel to drive them to the apartment. And while waiting for Dodie and Diana to finish their drinks, he has two more drinks. Oh, my God. Just for a little more confidence.

It's real bad. It's real bad. Oh, that's not a good decision. So, just after midnight, Diana and Dodie are quietly escorted out of the back of the hotel into a black Mercedes Benz. And four people get into this car. Diana, Dodie, Henri, the driver.

And a paparazzi. They're like, what are you doing here? And a man, and Camilla Parker-Ball. And a man named Trevor Rhys-Jones, who is Dodi's bodyguard. So there are four people in the car. And this is how strategic they have to be about the press. A decoy car is already there waiting to drive out first. So they're hoping that people think that's the Mercedes-Benz that's in it.

It's a decoy car. And that actually works for like a couple of meters. It's only five kilometers between the hotel and the apartment. So they think it's not even a long drive. Even if this decoy thing doesn't work it's five kilometers they leave out the back of the hotel and somehow the press realized that there's no one in the decoy car it's a self-driving tesla or something they instantly go well the next one definitely is them that next mercedes they realize no one's in it because it just rolls straight into a brick wall at like five k's

an hour yeah it's just like veering off i don't think there's anyone in that anyone at all so the press rush around to chase the actual car um it doesn't sound like there was much actual reckless driving for the first few minutes but once they hit a red light the press catch up to them keeping in mind there's cars and motorbikes and flashing cameras and it's midnight and the driver has been drinking so when the light turns green the driver guns it and speeds along the freeway towards the tunnel and it's estimated he was driving around 100 miles an hour when he entered the tunnel, which is about 160 kilometers an hour. The press continue to chase him in the tunnel,

and Henri driving a speeding car at night and has been drinking, which we later discover has been about nine to ten shots of scotch. Fucking hell. And no food. I didn't know that either. been drinking, which we later discover has been about nine to ten shots of scotch. Fucking hell. And no food. I didn't know that either. There's so many details I didn't know. Yeah, I didn't know that either.

I think I knew that he'd been drinking. I didn't realize quite so much. Like, obviously, the paparazzi are still part of it, but that is also part of it. Yeah, it's fair to say that's a fair part of it. So, with all of these facts laid out, it's not really a surprise that the car did crash in the tunnel. And Diana, Dodie and the driver, Henri, are dead at the scene. But the bodyguard, Trevor, manages to survive with a lot of injuries. Wow.

So it's just a tragedy. There's not much else I have to say because I don't want to get into conspiracies and stuff. Right. Did Trevor survive long? Like he's still alive? I think he's still kicking. So has he ever told his story? As Dodie's bodyguard?

Yeah. I don't know if he would have that much juicy information because those two were only dating for a couple of months. Right. But he could tell the story of that night. He could tell the story of that night. I haven't really looked into it. To be honest, I got really sad reading about it. I got real bummed out and I was like crying last night about it.

I was just thinking it just feels like you've underdone this report a bit. You're not chasing down every angle. It's actually embarrassing. This is only going to be the longest episode we've ever done. I'm so embarrassed about that. That's not enough for me. I want more. This is insane. I'm assuming soon you're going to talk about Darren Jarman in the 97 grand final.

Obviously, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's coming. That's another 3,000 words. Now, that's when I truly get heartbroken. That's when you're going to tune in? No, that's when I'll tune out. I can't hear about that. You can't go there no understandable traumatic um so look the rest of my report is really just saying how sad it is which doesn't really need to be said uh she was just 36 when she died i was thinking that the whole time i was

like i didn't i don't know how old she was and then i'm doing the math 40s I know. Yeah. 36. Wow. Yeah. Awful. And her kids are like, you know, early teens and. And she died on her. Yeah, 15 and 12. That sucks. So every birthday for Will, it's also his mum's death anniversary. Very close too. Or very close. Yeah.

Very close anniversary. So sad. That sucks. I just want to get one more like dig at the royal family. Sure. Oh yeah. While I can. Get in there.

Yeah. Which is that, i don't know if you saw any photos from the funeral but um charles and harry and william are walking behind the car that has her casket in it it's actually quite a long walk and it's slow and it's their children and harry has since said this statement which is my mother had died and I had to walk a long way behind her coffin surrounded by thousands of people watching me while millions more did on television. I don't think any child should be asked to do that.

Yeah. And it was actually Charles. It was the dad that forced them to do that because of tradition. Isn't he, he's got great instincts, I reckon, Charles. I think so, yeah. A good daddy. He knows how people think. Not a nice note to end on, I aware, but I I think so, yeah. Just... A good daddy. He knows how people think. Not a nice note to end on, I aware, but I just really want to drive home if it's not

clear how fucked the royal family is. Yeah, and that is a good point, that what they put those kids through is awful. And they've both talked about that. Yeah, how brutal that was. Yeah, how awful that was. They should have been hidden and protected and grieving, not like sitting there like little props. Grieve publicly, but don't cry or anything.

That's inappropriate. And isn't it so funny that even knowing all of that, the media still seem to be like, Harry, how dare you leave this family? Yeah. That's done so much for you. Well, he mentioned her, of course, in the statement when he was resigning as well.

He was like, I saw what happened with my mum and I don't want my kids to go through that. Awesome. I love that. I reckon I would stick with it. The difference between you and me, Jess, I just feel like I stick things out sometimes whether I should or shouldn't. But you would be like, nah, this is fucked. I quit. Matt, one of the things that Matt admires the most in me is my ability to say no to things.

So good. I am, maybe I'm a lot like you, Matt. I would stay in this weird cult for sure. Yeah. Because I'd be like scared to speak it out. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. I'd be like, maybe it's actually fine.

Yeah. This is just how it is. Yeah. Yeah. I'm jealous of people that can say no or yes. Yeah. I have an opinion. I don't necessarily think I am someone who's great at saying no,

but Matt admires it in me when I do. Yeah. So that's really saying something. Yeah. That every now and then I say no. We'll get into that later. Matt appreciates it. Hey, so knowing how this story ends,

is that how she got her nickname Princess Di? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Matthew. Too soon. She was just Diane before that. Right. And then now she's famously... Dead. Dead. So she got She was just Diane before that. Right. Famously.

And then now she's famously... Dead. Dead. So she got the nickname. There you go. Wow. I didn't know that. There was a lot in there I didn't know.

So much. There was actually just too much in there that I feel like I should apologise for. No, please stop apologising, Dee. Michelle Brazier came on and summarised every Fast and the Furious movie. There's so many. There'sious movie. There's so many. There's so many. There's so many. So you gave us an abridged life story of somebody who had a big life.

Sad life. A big sad life. And people love the epic eps. They do. Can I end with some words from Diana herself? Please. Because I want to end on my own words. In her own words.

These are Diana's words in her own words. These are Diana's words in her own words. These are Diana's words in her own words from my own voice. Oh, wow. Love that. Can you do her own voice in your own voice? I could do a different celebrity. Okay. Who could you do?

Adele? I'll do Adele. Hello, I'm Adele. That's how I get into Adele. Hello, I'm Adele. I've had a nose job and I won't talk about it. No, but I will end. It's so weird nose job and I won't talk about it. It's so weird.

Normally you should just talk about your nose jobs. You should. Why are you doing, you're doing to Adele what they did to Diana. Oh my God. Yes, just as bad. Just as bad. Just so you know, Matt's pointing at me very aggressively. Just as bad.

Just as bad. I didn't realize you were a pappy. A pappy? Pappy Dappy d pappy d that's what people call me and now you know why so i will end with these words and then you will be like please leave um and it was actually hard to choose a little quote to finish on because she actually said a bunch of cool stuff yeah i don't think she was full of shit i'll end with this she says the biggest disease in this world is feeling unloved. Every one of us needs to show how much we care for each other and in the process, care for ourselves.

Oh, that's so nice. That is nice. We've got to be kind and be good people. Hey, Dee, love you. Thank you. I've been waiting three hours for you to say that. Thank you so much, guys. Thanks so much for coming on the show and telling us all about i honestly didn't think i was interested in this at all but i found that story fascinating it's so grim and it's just gonna be a real slog i know

it's hard it was obviously sad to write so thank you for interjecting with humor where i was just gonna probably cry and stuff i hope it was you was a bit cathartic to finally get that story out after spending so much time nine months ago writing it. I know. It's been pent up inside of me. Oh, my God. I didn't even connect that, that you've had this inside you for nine months and you finally got it out in the world. I even was going to message a friend and say, if I don't get to do this, can I just read it to you? That's objectively a more psychotic thing to do.

Definitely, but you've got to get it out. Now it's out. I don't have to talk to my friend like that. Yeah, you can just chat to your friend about normal friend stuff. I don't know what that is. We'll figure it out. I don't know what friendship is. You've got to come back in nine months or so

and do an episode about the conspiracy theories. I will. In nine months exactly, I'll have a baby. We really should do it in June or July. we really should do it in June or July. We have to do it in June or July. We're all going to forget these references though.

Oh 100%. Hopefully someone reminds us on Twitter. I hope so. Hopefully. And speaking of where can Duggan listeners find you

if they want to you know follow you on social media? I spend too much time on the internet on Twitter at Figgled and on Instagram at Fidge, which is my surname.

Yep. And that's pretty much it because I don't know what a website is. Yeah. And again, if there's any web designers listening, if you wanted to help Dee out, that would be greatly appreciated. Or just help me out in general. If anyone wants to be nice to me, help me out. Yeah, do some dishes.

Help me move house. Yeah. If you've got a princess diet, tea towel, maybe you could, help me move house. Yeah. You've got a princess die. Tea towel. Maybe you could deliver that around. Great. Yeah. That'd be good.

But yeah, thank you, Dee. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for being involved in this record, what I assume is a record-breaking episode. But it'll be close. It's right up there with Michelle's one about Fast and Furious length. I love that. I love being on par with Michelle.

Thank you so much, guys. Cheers, Dee. Thanks. And we're back in the Michelle. Thank you so much, guys. Cheers, Dee. Thanks. And we're back in the room. Thank you so much once again to Dee Fidge for coming in and telling us all about, all about comprehensively about the life of Princess Diana. It was a very fun episode.

Dee is an incredibly funny writer writer just an incredibly funny person so uh i mean it when i say you should absolutely go follow her on twitter she's so so funny she's a great writer um and it was an absolute delight to finally get her on the podcast after such a long time of um of uh planning it now you might have been able to tell by now that it's just me, Jess, here with you, doing the Patreon alone in my study late at night. I'm standing this time because the last couple of times I've had to do this myself, I felt really out of breath the whole time. So we'll just see how I go this time. But yeah, it's time for a very important part of our show. And that is where we get to thank a bunch of our Patreons who support us over at patreon.com forward slash do go on pod. And I've got a few things to get through.

So the first thing that I would love to do is thank a few people on our Sydney Scheinberg deluxe in memoriam level. on our Sydney Scheinberg Deluxe Immemorial level. And they get to give themselves a fact. They get to give themselves a title. And they like to ask us a fact quote or a question. And it has a little jingle. It goes a little something like this. Fact quote or question.

Ding. And the first fact quote or question for this week comes kate hopner kate has given themselves the title acting director of always panicking about something and kate honestly so grateful that you're here it's nice to have somebody in charge of panicking about something because otherwise i'm doing it myself all the freaking time. So it is kind of nice to have that sort of that delegated to someone, if you know what I mean. Anyway, Kate has asked a question. It says, do you have a favorite song where your name features in the title? Mine is Kate by Ben Folds 5. That's a good one. Love Ben Folds 5, where your name is in the title. Somebody, I'm going to check on Spotify and see if it triggers my

memory. The first one I can think of is Regina Spector has a song called Jessica, which I do quite like, but it's also like, um, it's like, it's a sad kind of, not sad. It's just not the most upbeat song. Oh, Major Lazer and Ezra Kroenig have a one called Jessica. You don't see heaps with just Jess, to be honest. And that was always a bit of a sticking point for me. You know how like as a kid, you'd want to get like a key ring with your name on it or like, I don't know, just anything personalized, little personalized number plates and stuff like that, little novelty ones.

Always said Jessica. You could never just get Jess. And as you know, Jessica makes me feel like I'm in trouble. If I look up just Jess, of course, Jessie's Girl comes up. Just like Jessie James by Cher, Stacey's Mom came up, which makes no sense. It doesn't have Jess in it at all. But yeah, you know, if you're a singer-songwriter out there, can you just write a song called Jess please a lot of Jessica's but you know and and oh I found one from Trey Gruber don't know if it's good but it's my new favorite song Night Hikes also have one okay there's a few uh I don't know about Matt and Dave can't answer that

question for you on their behalf um so I apologize about that if you you want to, you know, at them and ask them directly. But thank you, Kate, for answering your own question as well. Kate by Ben Folds 5. Don't know if I know that specific song. I probably do, but I'll go listen to it. I promise. Our next fact quarter question comes from Jessica English. Now, Jessica, I just spent quite a long time saying I didn't like being

called Jessica. You probably do, given that's how you've written your name. And so look, I was just saying, I just want to make it very clear that that was entirely my feelings. You know, my parents named me Jessica specifically to call me Jess. So I've been Jess my whole life and got Jessica when I was in trouble. So really it's my parents' problem. Anyway, Jessica English has given themselves a title. I don't know. I've never been good at improv. It's pretty funny as well because what Jessica's actually written is I've never been good at improve. And that has, that made me chuckle a little bit on the inside. Jessica's given a suggestion. Love a suggestion.

Always welcome those. And the suggestion is, have been wondering for a while if you could all do a master episode post in the Patreon Facebook group similar to what you do on the public Facebook page. That way all the comments, links, et cetera, people post specific to the episode are in one place. And when we, I i listen to old episodes or catching up we can enjoy the banter of the nicest place on the internet by finding the one post

really appreciate everything you do highlight of my weeks and new episodes and the highlight of my summer was matt's episode on the greatest beer run followed quickly by an awesome book cheat oh so good that is a really good suggestion um I kind of have a very vague memory of us maybe doing that in the past and I don't really know why it disappeared but you're right why double up as in for you guys you sort of have to like um go between the public Facebook page and your Facebook group great suggestion I am going to hopefully remember to message Matt and Dave that right away so that we remember because otherwise I'm seeing them in two days to record some podcasts.

I'll forget. We know I'll forget. Thank you, Jessica, for your suggestion. Our next fact quota question comes from Claire Norris. Claire has given themselves the title of Onomastician of the pod. Fun. And Claire has given a fact. And this fact is, hi all, not to brag as this is a fact, but I think I found my favorite professional sports name in history. A big call. All right, let's see. John Oscar Dickshot, or better known as Ugly Johnny Dickshot, was a major league baseball player in the 30s and 40s,

according to Wikipedia.org, which I assume is some kind of baseball encyclopedia. He often referred to himself as the ugliest man in baseball. Choosing the all-ugly team for each league was an annual tradition in minor league baseball, and Dickshot was named to the Southern Association's all-ugly team in 1935. Jesus Christ. The next year, Dickshot named the members of the International League's all-ugly team. He chose himself as the left fielder and team captain. Dickshot was later named to the International League's

All Ugly Team in 1939. Brutal, but at least he's sort of like, he's leaning into it. He's in on the joke. So that's nice. And Claire is finished by saying, thanks for everything you all do. Keep up the awesome podcasting. Oh, thank you, Claire.

Appreciate that. And a great, great fact there. Dickshot is an incredible surname. you don't hear of many dick shots not enough dick shots out there if you ask me um and our next fact quota question comes from kelly clark who's given themselves the title indentured non-mole at fortress of the mole people we love the fortress of the moles and kelly's asked a question. It says, we know from the Julie Andrews ep how you'd infiltrate human society. Were you a part of the glorious Fortress of the Mole people? My kind hosts would to know, where do you least expect mole kind to be?

Okay. Okay. okay okay that I took a sec because uh Kelly has every every now and then a letter is in brackets and the letters in brackets spell out help me um so Kelly I'm gonna I'm just gonna where do I least expect mole kind to be I suppose based on your clues uh they could be anywhere they could be all around us where do I least expect them to be I don't know in the doctor's office the supermarket in my very own home um and I'm I'll come I'll come find you Kelly you just you just hang in there and I'll be there soon. It's funny because Kelly probably wrote that quite some time ago. In fact, I can see when that was submitted and it was, yeah, a couple of months ago now.

So we can only assume that Kelly is dead. And long may Kelly rest in peace. Thank you to Kelly, Claire, Jessica and Kate. And the next thing I would like to do is give a little shout out to some of our supporters who are on the associate producer ass prod level i believe um and what we like to do here is we usually play a little bit of a game and i've just realized i edited this podcast last week and i don't remember that many of the riffs um okay princess die princess die uh okay what about a song that you would do a little dance to to impress prince charles look it's dumb is it one of my dumbest no um so okay first and foremost I would love to thank

from oh my god deep within the fortress of the moles one of Kelly's captors I would love to thank Kate Godorki what an incredible name if I've said that right Kate incredible stuff um and Kate I'm looking up Billy Joel obviously I know Billy Joel songs I just sort of want like other stuff oh well okay Kate uh was inspired obviously by one of our Patreon bonus episodes where we where Matt I should say um went through every reference in We Didn't Start the Fire so Kate is actually doing a dance an interpretive piece to we didn't start the fire so it's quite it's actually quite beautiful yeah so thank you kate i'd also love to thank from wallaceburg in canada rebecca um rebecca is uh doing a dance to a Phil Collins track, You Can't Hurry Love. One of his biggest songs.

Could I have gone for any of the great Disney stuff? Of course, but that's not what Rebecca's chosen. Doing a dance to You Can't Hurry Love, Prince Charles gave it a solid 8 out of 10. And that's just because he likes to always encourage people to believe that there's room for improvement. So Rebecca, that's a because he likes to always encourage people to believe that there's room for improvement so rebecca that's a pretty high score congratulations next i would love to thank from staten island in new york michael driscoll michael driscoll uh has chosen to uh dance to a fellow Michael's song. He's doing a dance to Michael Jackson's Beat It. And it is, honestly, rivals MJ's dance moves.

Everyone's like, whoa, we didn't know you could dance like that. And Michael's like, honestly, I didn't know I could dance like that. I think I've been possessed by the ghost of dance. And it's truly truly beautiful thing you've got to you've got to say it uh from Pasco Vale South in Victoria I would love to thank Alex Pretty um Pretty is an incredible surname I'm sure people probably make jokes about it I freaking love love it. That is great. And Alex has actually chosen to dance to Pretty Fly for a white guy from The Offspring. Yes, there is a lot of like just jumping up and down in the chorus, but it's done in a way that evokes so much emotion. Alex. So thank you so much. It's truly, I'm getting a bit choked up just even thinking about it. It was incredible.

Next, I would love to thank from Bremen in Germany, Peter Timple. Timple is fun. And Timple reminded me of Timmy Trumpet. And Peter has done a dance to Freaks by Timmy Trumpet. A really beautiful, once again, evoking emotion that we just didn't know was possible from that dance track, which has amassed 403 million streams on spotify um and that's about to be doubled because of peter temple's incredible moving dance to freaks what is wrong with me next i'd love to thank from mcleod in victoria jesse edwards another another jess this one's a jesse um so hopefully you know

i mean you probably don't get called jessica because that's simply not your name jesse mccartney is who you've chosen to dance to um did you choose to go for beautiful soul absolutely not too easy you've gone for leaving his second most popular um and that one coming out i think 2008 uh and prince charles seven out of ten just because he was like oh i heard jess mccartney i thought it'd be beautiful soul i love that song um so really that's just prince charles being petty but a beautiful moving piece thank you jesse edwards i'd also love to thank from matizzi in wyoming in the united states futon uh futon you have done a dance to now missy higgins has a song called futon couch um but you've gone for a different missy higgins song you've chosen to dance to the special two a beautiful very moving kind of slow piece so

you've really um you've gone for more of like an interpretive ballet performance and it is it has paid off it was a risky move everyone was like i don't know but it was gorgeous prince charles gave it 10 out of 10 congratulations uh from newton in south australia troy partridge now Congratulations. From Newton in South Australia, Troy Partridge. Now, Partridge, obviously, Partridge family. No, you've chosen to go for the monkeys. And you are dancing to I'm a Believer. Yeah, let's go I'm a Believer. I was going to go me and Magdalena, but we're going to go with I'm a Believer.

But the Shrek version. So it's pretty current and cool. And Prince Charles hasn't seen Shrek, gives you two out of ten. I think unfair, Troy. I think it's unfair, but, you know, who am I to disagree with a monarch? And finally, I would love to thank from St. Albans in Great Britain, David Eames. David Eames, you have chosen to dance to a song called Emerald from Hope D. It's a good song. It's a new song, probably the newest one, most recent track that anybody has

chosen. So Prince Charles definitely hasn't heard of it, but he was like, what's this? I actually quite like this. And he's given you five out of ten. Your dancing was a bit shit. But he liked the music and he liked, you just had a certain, how do you say, how do you say, je ne sais quoi. So thank you so much, David, Troy, Futon, Jesse, Peter, Alex,

Michael, Rebecca, and Kate. And finally, something I forgot to check before I started recording is, yes, there's a few people to welcome into the Triptych Club. Now, these are people who have supported us for three consecutive years, which is just incredible. We appreciate you so much. And when you do enter the Triptych Club, you are welcomed in with great fanfare.

There's cocktails, there's food. It's essentially like a very exclusive, I like to think of it as like an airport lounge. Like it has everything you could possibly need. We've got like fancy bathrooms if you want to to have a shower, um, there's a day spa, there's beds for snoozing. Um, and yeah, we've got food specials. We book a band. Obviously I've just mentioned so many bands, too many bands. Why did I mention so many fr bands? So usually you'll have Matt at the door. He's lifting the velvet rope.

He's letting you in. I'm at the bar. I'm making cocktails this week. We are having, what are we having? Come on, Jess. I'll tell you what, we're not turning the ovens on. We're not turning any heaters on or anything, just as a an

homage to the royals and their six-week holiday so everything is cold we're having um uh gazpacho and um cold drinks of course and uh in in a bit of an exciting twist, I have booked every single artist. It's a bit of a, honestly, I've outdone myself because Dave's always the one who books the bands and he books like one band. I've booked every band or artist that has, that appears on the soundtrack for the Princess Diaries. So we're talking Michelle Branch. We're talking Avril Lavigne, Hilary Duff, Natasha Bedingfield, Lindsay fricking Lohan. Why is that on there? That's not in that play anyway. And Sixpence None the Richer. So it's going to be a pretty fricking sick time. Okay. Get ready to enjoy some nostalgia. Obviously that also links

back to previous topic, Julie Andrews. So it's just an all around good time. All right. So I would love to welcome in without further ado and look, I'll do my best to sort of hype you up as I go. I'm no Dave Warnke. Um, as much as Matt Stewart just doesn't seem to get Dave's style. monkey um as much as matt stewart just doesn't seem to get dave's style um i i get it but i'm just not as good at it so i'll just do my very best and i would love to welcome into the trip ditch club from san diego in california todd and sandy hey oh to you, Todd. Welcome. Take a seat. Just chill out. Enjoy yourself. That wasn't too bad.

Sandy Hay-o is pretty funny. From Edinburgh in Scotland, I would love to welcome you to the Triptych Club. Kia. And Kia! That's me doing a karate chop and getting rid of that velvet robe. I'm karate chopping the velvet robe. I'm saying, we don't need this anymore. Let's get rid of it. Get you in. Thank you so much.

And I'd also finally love to welcome in from Mashem. Oh, that's fun. In Great Britain, Stefan Headley. And I've got a few different really fun songs to go together. Can I mash them? Stefan can. Yes, absolutely. You know what? Like I did my best. So thank you so much, Stefan, Kia, Todd,

and welcome to the TripDitch Club. Congratulations on making it three years. You cannot leave the club now, and I will not apologize for that. Thank you so much, you absolute legends, and everybody else that we've shouted out today and for supporting us. There's never any pressure from us to contribute financially to the Patreon. We appreciate so much those of you who, you know, can give a dollar, $2, $10, whatever. It's, um, it's really, really greatly appreciated. If you are not in a position to do that, that is absolutely

fine. Um, post about the podcast on Instagram. Tell some friends about it next time you're catching up for dinner. Just getting the word out actually is absolutely huge and helps us a lot. And that's how a lot of people have found our podcast. So feel free to just spread the word. That would mean the absolute world to us. Okay, well, that brings us to the end then. I think I've covered everything I needed to do.

I didn't get quite as puffed, so that's something. And we will all be back together again very, very soon. And by we will all, I don't mean every single one of you listening. And us, I mean Matt, Dave, and I are all going to be back together again soon. And then we'll probably have some guests because I think I'm going away on holiday. Don't, you know, like, let me have a freaking holiday. I just assumed you immediately got upset at me.

But yeah, we'll all be back together again soon. Got some great stuff coming up later in the year. And look, we just bloody love you. So if you want to suggest a topic, you can absolutely do that over on our website. there's a link in the show notes as well and until next time i will say thank you and goodbye laters bye it's hockey season and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything.

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