Do Go On - 360 - Alan Turing & The Enigma

Episode Date: September 14, 2022

You may have heard the name, or seen the movie, but this week we learn a bit more about Alan Turing, and cracking the Enigma code. Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: dogoonpod.com or patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/suggest-a-topic/ Check out our new merch! : https://do-go-on-podcast.creator-spring.com/ Stream our 300th episode with extra quiz (and 16 other episodes with bonus content): https://sospresents.com/authors/dogoon Check out our AACTA nominated web series: http://bit.ly/DGOWebSeries​ Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader Thomas REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alan_Turinghttps://www.britannica.com/biography/Alan-Turinghttps://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/05/obituaries/alan-turing-overlooked.htmlhttps://www.iwm.org.uk/history/how-alan-turing-cracked-the-enigma-codehttps://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/what-imitation-game-didnt-tell-you-about-alan-turings-greatest-triumph/2015/02/20/ffd210b6-b606-11e4-9423-f3d0a1ec335c_story.html Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Just jumping in really quickly at the start of today's episode to tell you about some upcoming opportunities to see us live in the flesh. And you can see us live at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2024. We are doing three live podcasts on Sundays at 3.30 at Basement Comedy Club, April 7, 14 and 21. You can get tickets at dogo1pod.com. Matt, you're also doing some shows around the country. That's right. I'm doing shows with Saren Jayamana, who's been on the show before. We're going to be in Perth in January, Adelaide in February, Melbourne through the festival in April, and then Brisbane after that. I'm also doing Who Knew It's in Perth and Adelaide. Details for all that stuff at mattstuartcomedy.com.

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My name is Dave Warnke and as always I'm here with Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart. Hello Dave. Hello Jess. Hello Matt. Hello Dave. Hello. Great to be back Jess. Hello, Matt. Hello, Dave. Hello. Great to be back together. Isn't it? It's so good to be here at the Stupid Old Studios. What a lovely space this is.

That's right. The new studio. It's all happening here. Yeah. Absolutely loving it. Hopefully you can hear it at home that this is a good space. Hear that? That's silence.

That's good stuff. That's nice. That's crispy. Oh, that's crispy. Maybe too crisp crisp can we get the crisp crispiness down evan sorry evan's in the booth next door can we soften this soften that soften the crisp thanks thank you that's better yeah that's much better thanks evan evan monroe smith evan monroe smith everyone hey if evan was here i'd ask him to explain how the

show works but obviously doesn't have a mic in that next room. So Jess, instead I'm going to ask you. Why do I have to do it? To ask Matt to explain the show. Well, the way it works is one of the three of us gets a topic which we go away and research. We just lather ourselves up in it. We learn it, we take a deep dive, and we really get to know it. We get the ins, we get the outs.

We buy that topic a drink. We get to know it a little better. We get to buy that topic a second drink. get to know it a little better and then buy that topic a second and if things are going really well yeah then wednesday that topic back up to our hotel room we drop our hotel key in the margarita glass and say hey hey maybe i'll see you later i say why did you put this in my drink it's all that's all sticky that's disgusting i was drinking that and anyway so we learn about a topic and then we write that into a bit of a report usually somewhere between three and and 15 000 words and um and then we bring that back and we tell it to the other two

uh in report form and the other two just listen yeahally maybe go on a bit of a tedious tangent. No, they don't do that. They just ask questions that might also benefit the listener to hear the answer to. Exactly. But sometimes they'll do an awful riff that goes nowhere but they keep fucking chasing it down as if maybe it'll turn around soon. That's right.

And they, you know, if everything's working well, the editor will edit those out. And Jess will be editing this week's episode. She'll also be doing the report. But to get on a topic, Jess, do you have a question this week? I do. My question is, who? Mike Myers.

This is Al. Who did Benedict Cumberbatch portray in the 2004 film? Oh, the Code Cracker. Alan Turing. Turing. Turing. Turing. Now, who gets the point there?

Dave, you said the Code Cracker. I'm paying. I'm giving it to me. And you also interrupted me as I was reading the question, which is incredibly rude. Oh, do we not do that? Do we have to wait until the question's been read? You must wait until the question has been read.

Let's all go around the room and say if we've seen the film. Me, no. Me, yes. Me also yes because I was writing this report. Okay. And it's not a documentary, but I just thought maybe it would explain some of the complex maths a little better. Oh, gotcha.

That's right. In the kitchen before we were talking about how you have a maths-heavy report coming up and it now makes sense. Yeah, I was saying I wish Dave had done this report. Just because it is obviously maths heavy. Anyway, so yes, the topic is Alan Turing, which has been suggested by a bunch of different people, including Fred Whitehead, Katrina Goldman, Ben Johnson, Hannah Hemsley-Brown, Callum J. Burgess-Wiley, Braden, Ian Whitehead,

maybe connected to Fred Whitehead, probably. Miguel Acosta, Holly Hayden, Justin Goddely, and Dominic S have all suggested this as a topic. A beautiful bunch of names. Fantastic. Beautiful bunch of names. I'd crack their code any day. Would you?

I don't know what that means. But would you code their crack certainly not dave that is inappropriate please yeah you can only we're trying to do and save that we're trying to do an adult podcast here not an adult there's a difference yeah we're more easy listening than that sort of adult that's correct um yeah okay so you've seen the film matt do you remember anything no i saw it when i was at the cinemas. I have no idea. Was it 10 years ago or something?

But where were you? 2004. No, 2014. Okay. Because remember, you have a special ability to remember where you were when you first saw a movie. No, I used to have that, but my memory is fading. That one, I can't think of a picture.

I was in a cinema. I think I saw it by myself. I was killing time. He's closing his eyes and you can see the eyes. Bit of rapid eye movement. It's amazing. He's going back in time. Take me back. Take me back. Take me back. I was at the Melbourne Central Hoyts.

Okay. Wow. Shit popcorn. I hate Hoyts popcorn. It's no good. Jess actually, her secret talent, She can tell you Where the good and bad popcorn is Yeah village popcorn's better Village is better Absolutely

I didn't know that Hoyts is shit It's a bit cardboardy Yeah Are you eating the box? I tried to continue the riff there But that is fine Dave

We're not doing An adult podcast We're doing an adult podcast. Are you eating the box? Are you eating the box? Okay, so this has been suggested many times. Dave, you were very quick to pick who I was talking about. Yes, because I think I've put it up for the vote myself before

and I think it's come second at least once for the Patreon supporters. Yeah, well, that's really interesting. Because people, like you say, you go through the hat. There's a lot of suggestions. Well, I put this up. I put up four potential topics and this got 50-something percent of the vote. Wow. Nice.

Like it was a bit of a landslide. Cop that to the other three. Yeah. Were they duds? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was the history of little toes. Like he defeated Nazis with maths.

Yes. Is that how you pitched it? Because I'd vote for that. It's not how it was. Well, maybe it was how it was pitched. I remember it being pretty sad and grim. I don't remember leaving there feeling good about anything. Okay.

I can hardly remember this film at all. You remember the feeling. Yeah, I remember the feeling. Is that one of your great talents? You remember the feeling you have as you leave a cinema? Yeah. He's doing the eye thing again. So anyway, well, let me tell you about Alan Matheson touring.

Oh, my God. Nominative determinism. His middle name is Maths. I didn't. The whole time. Okay. I also said to Dave earlier that this has been one of the hardest reports for me to write because I don't understand 95% of it.

You don't even understand the word math. You used maths there to explain how much you don't understand maths. Oh, my God, I did. Look how good I'm doing. Alan Matheson Turing. Holy shit, that's good. He was born in June of 1912 into a rather well-off family of status. His father, Julius, great name, was a senior colonial administrator

with the Indian Civil Service and his mother was the daughter of Edward Wallace Stoney who was the chief engineer of the Madras Railway, so a railway company that operated in southern India. So this is during like British India. Alan's parents decided they wanted to raise their children in britain and moved to london before alan was born he had an older brother as well and during his childhood though his parents split their time between hastings in the uk

and india leaving their two sons to stay with a retired army couple when they traveled so they'd just sort of go back and forth i say i thought of it as well. Hastings. I say. I say. From the ages of six to nine years old, Alan attended St. Michael's, a primary school in the St. Leonard's-on-Sea. Nice. St. Michael's in St. Leonard's. Yeah.

Freaking hell. St. Michael's, St. Leonard's-on-Sea. How Christian are they going back then? They fucking love saints. Man, they love saints. Me too. You know when I loved the Saints the most? 1966. Because that is the year they won their one and only

Fairfell AFL Premiership. What an exciting time. Not counting the pre-season finals like the Wizard Cup. I mean, who does count that? Not many people. But I've got a Wizard cape. Even from a very young age, Alan showed signs of being an immensely academically gifted child.

The headmistress recognised his talent, noting that she has had clever boys and hard-working boys, but Alan is a genius. Whoa. Imagine that in your school report. Hey, I've had clever kids come through this school. He's a genius. I've had clever boys.

I've had hard-working boys alan is a genius boy i've had boys i've had them all hard work clever sporty boys little boys on bikes pimply boys naughty cheeky greasy little swiney boys But your boy is a genius. He's a genius. After St. Michael's, he was a student at Hazlehurst Prep School until he was 13, and then he went to Sherbourne School, a boarding independent school in the market town of Sherbourne in Dorset.

In Dorset. Dorset. An anecdote that I read said that the first day of school coincided with the 1926 general strike in britain it was like 1.7 million workers went on strike largely those working in transport but turing was so determined to attend school that he rode his bicycle unaccompanied 60 miles or 97 k's from southampton to sherbourne stopping overnight at an inn. What? Like any other kid would be like, oh, I can't get to school. Oh, so sad. I miss school.

Oh, no. But he's like, I'll get on a bike and I'll get to school. Remember when I mentioned in a report recently that my bus broke down on the first day of school? We were all like, I guess we're not going. Yeah. And then another bus turned up. We're like, boog.

It's sort of like when a teacher doesn't turn up, the teacher's late to class and you're like, and then they walk in and you're like, fuck, now we actually have class. He wasn't turning up. He's ridden overnight. So imagine his first day is now Tuesday. He gets there and he's the only student there

because no one else bothered. Yeah, but he rode his bike. At Sherbourne, Turing's interest and skills in maths and science continued to grow, although this was much to the disapproval of some of bike. At Sherbourne, Turing's interest and skills in maths and science continued to grow, although this was much to the disapproval of some of the teachers at Sherbourne, whose definition of education placed more emphasis on the classics, like studies in Latin and ancient Greek.

The important stuff, I think. Yeah, more of your practical stuff, stuff you could use later in life. Maths. What? It's just squiggles and numbers. Latin. Latin. That's good squiggles. Yeah. Once you finish school, you'll have an abacus

that'll do the maths for you. Exactly. But you can't carry your pocket Latin everywhere. Can you? How will you have a conversation with anyone if you don't know Latin? Yeah. Fortius Quo Fidelius. Fidelius. Fidelius. Strength through loyalty.

How will you read the saint's motto? Exactly. You'd have no idea. His headmaster wrote to his parents, I hope he will not fall between two stools. Don't know what that means. If he's to stay at public school, he must aim at becoming educated. He must aim at becoming slightly thicker than a piece of paper. He's too thin. He might fall between the two stools what if he gets lost i can't see him what if he flits out a

window i can see him if he's standing face on but as soon as he turns to the side he disappears he's butter wisp that is such what does that mean't know. But yeah, maybe it's sort of like he'll fall behind or something. Imagine if you're the parents, you're used to getting the reports that say your boy's a genius and now he's going to fall through the stools. He's got to learn. He's got to learn the classics. Oh, fall between two stools comes up when I start to Google it. Fail to be or take one of two satisfactory alternatives.

Right. Never heard that phrase, but I enjoy it. The work fell between two stools, being neither genuinely popular nor truly scholarly. Okay, so I still don't truly understand. It's because he's sticking with this fad of maths. Yeah, maths and science. If he is to be solely a scientific specialist,

he is wasting his time at a public school. We won't be teaching him maths and science. Thank you very much. I mean, they're doing maths and science classes. Over there, public school means private school, doesn't it? Is that right? Yeah, I think so. This is a fancy boarding school.

Right. Yeah, and it's the other way around for us. Despite this, Alan continued to demonstrate remarkable abilities and at 15 was solving advanced problems without even studying the specific subject. Like he hadn't done any calculus, but he was like quite easily solving calculus problems and stuff. Like it just came very naturally to him.

One of the biggest things. Can't wait to find out where he's going to laugh from this. This is going to be so funny. Here we go. Everybody set your expectations. Everyone shush, shush, shush. Shush, shush, shush. Go on, Dave.

I was just thinking, was he a calculator in another life? Reading comments. I laughed because it was the dumbest thought I've ever had. Was he a calculator in another life? Hey, what's this guy Hey was he a calculator Hey what's going on over here I say stupid stuff all the time It's so much weirder Coming from you.

I'd say something that stupid 10 times a minute. When you do it, it feels real weird. That's why I laugh at my own thought. You fucking idiot, I thought. I'll see a calculator in another one. That's good stuff. That is great. That's actually really good stuff, Dave. That's very good stuff that's actually really good that's very good that's actually really good i'm glad i'm glad we got that i'm glad we got that's yeah oh my god that is that is actually really good i am struggling to breathe. This must be so baffling, especially in someone's first episode listening to this.

I just wanted to hear about their maths hero. He's always interested in me. I love maths. I'm sure I'll understand this. Well, your hero was a calculator in another life. Like, imagine it. Imagine if he was actually a calculator in another life. But that means the calculator died and was reincarnated,

which means calculators have souls. Dave, this is a lot bigger than I think you realize. If you turn him upside down, he looks like poop. No wonder he was falling through stools. This guy's... If you turn a calculator on its side, that's a wisp. That's but a wisp. But a wisp.

Holy shit. That's... I mean, that's an early break. Yeah, we had a little breakdown pretty early in the podcast. That's a breakdown. That's not a break, that's an early break. We had a little breakdown pretty early in the podcast. That's a breakdown. That's not a break, that's a breakdown. Okay.

So he's at his fancy school. One of the biggest things for him to come out of his time at Sherbourne was his friendship with fellow student Christopher Morecambe, who has been described as Turing's first love. They bonded over mathematics and science and were inseparable at school. How much does he love math? I thought that was his first love. They bonded over mathematics and science and were inseparable at school. How much does he love math? I thought that was his first love. So true.

So true. Oh, my God, so true. That's a great point. So true. I mean, this is described by others, so maybe Turing would disagree and say maths was his first love. Sadly, Christopher Morecambe died in 1930 at the age of 18 from complications of bovine tuberculosis contracted years earlier

by drinking infected cow's milk. So he'd been sick for quite some time and he passed away at the age of 18. I've never heard of that and I'll just add it to the list of things I'm terrified of getting. Yeah, I think we're probably okay now. This was in 1930. We'll see. That's it.

I've given up milk. Morecambe's death was understandably a devastating blow to Alan, who stayed in contact with Morecambe's mother, Frances, for many years after Chris's death. In a letter to Frances, he wrote, I'm sure I could not have found anywhere another companion so brilliant and yet so charming and unconceited. I regarded my interest in my work and in such things as astronomy to which he introduced me as something to be shared with him and I think he felt a little the same about me. I know I must put as much energy if not as much interest into my work as if he were alive because that's what he would have liked me to do. So in a way he kind of coped with grief by

working that much harder on the topics of science and mathematics, the things that brought them together. After Sherbourne, Turing was an undergraduate at King's College in Cambridge and was awarded first-class honours in mathematics. At the age of 22, he was elected a fellow of King's College. He was granted this fellowship based on the strength of a dissertation he'd written in which he proved a version of the central limit theorem, which obviously I don't need to explain. Please don't ask me to. Maybe Dave should for the listeners who don't know it. As it turns out, this had already been proven 13 years earlier in 1922

by a Finnish mathematician. Turing didn't know that when he wrote his dissertation, but the committee was still impressed with his work, even saying that if Turing's work had been published before Lindenberg's, the Finnish mathematician, it would have been an important event in the mathematical literature of that year. So they were still like, oh, this kid's all right. I love that. Hey, if you'd somehow done this 15 years earlier,

it would have been important. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And even if this guy hadn't proved it 13 years ago, we'd be like, whoa, you know, so good job. And there would have been no doubt that he, like it wasn't possible he cheated or something? No, because it was like he'd proven it in a different way. Oh, right. Yeah. So it was different.

Yeah. This is from Britannica.com. In 1936, Turing's seminal paper called On Computable Numbers with an Application to the Ensheiden Problem was recommended for publication by the American mathematical logician Alonzo Church, who had himself just published a paper that reached the same conclusion as Turing's, although by a different method. Turing's method had profound significance for the emerging science

of computing. Later that year, Turing moved to Princeton University to study for a PhD in mathematical logic under Church's direction, which he completed in 1938. So he's brilliant and his work is profound and very significant. Was he a doctor by like the age of 26? Yeah. That's pretty awesome.

Had a PhD in 1938. Yeah, you're right. Wow. So I turn again to Britannica.com to also explain what the Ensheiden problem is. Let's see if you can follow this. What mathematicians called an effective method for solving a problem was simply one that could be carried by a human mathematical clerk working

by rote. In Turing's time, those rote workers were in fact called computers, and human computers carried out some aspect of the work later done by electronic computers. The Enshiden problem sought an effective method for solving the fundamental mathematical problem of determining exactly which mathematical statements are provable within a given formal mathematical system and which are not. It's pretty nice and clear, I think. A method for determining this is called a decision method. In 1936, Turing and Church independently showed that in general, the Enshiden problem has no resolution, proving that no consistent formal system of arithmetic has an effective decision method. That's from Britannica.com.

I mean, couldn't anyone have said that? For anybody who didn't follow, the New York Times sums it up a little simpler. It's the idea that there is no single algorithm that could determine the truth or falsity of any statement in formal logic. So there's no like one universal algorithm, I suppose. See, this is why I immediately regretted putting this up to the vote and it winning because I was like, I don't understand this.

But, I mean, it's one of those things where it's like, oh, it's great that they worked that out, but it would have been way more satisfying if they'd worked out a thing that did decide what's provable and what isn't. Yeah. What you can and can't say, but still, it can't be done. They've worked it out. Well, it was in the course of his work on the Enschieden problem that Turing invented the universal Turing machine.

It was an abstract computing machine that encapsulates the fundamental logical principles of the digital computer. An important step in Turing's argument about the Schaden problem was the claim now called the Church-Turing thesis was that everything humanly computable can also be computed by the universal Turing machine. It was essentially like he sort of theorised computers. This claim is important because it marks out the limits

of human computation. During his time at Princeton, in addition to his purely mathematical work, he also studied cryptology, also known as cryptography, and it's the practice and study of techniques for secure communication in the presence of adversarial behaviour. It's breaking codes. Right.

Gotcha. I was thinking cryptozoology. That's where mine went. Did your mind go to the lizard man? Absolutely. And his love of the butter beans. Something you must know about the lizard man. You must know that.

Because this would have been an amazing, like, main degree is, of course, mathematics. Yeah. But he minored in interpretive dance. Like that would be fun. Yeah, but that doesn't make sense. Puzzles and codes. Yes.

It's interesting that the human computers, the word computers and computing came from an old profession. Yeah, that's right. It was just people like doing maths. That's fascinating. Sitting there computing stuff. I did not know that. Yeah.

So after completing his PhD at Princeton, Turing returned to Cambridge in 1938. Of course, the following year World War II broke out and Alan Turing joined the Bletchley Park Codebreakers at the Government Code and Cipher School, working in makeshift huts clustered around a mansion in Bletchley in Milton Keyes. That's funny that there's a mansion right there but they're in a hut.

They're like, let's hop some huts around, okay? Let's just quickly put together some huts and get to work. Their greatest initial challenge was figuring out the method of encryption of the German Enigma device, which was invented 20 years earlier by Arthur Sherbius, a German electrical engineer who had patented as a civil machine to encrypt commercial messages so you've heard of the enigma yep well cambridge university has a video on youtube that explains the enigma machine well enough that even i could

almost understand it so i'm going to use that to try and explain as well it'd be very funny if i just put a video on now. Listeners can kind of hear it in the background and you guys going, ah. You get one of those screens you pull down. So that's what I'll be using now. So it's about the size of a typewriter and an Enigma machine has a second set of letters above the keyboard called a lamp board. So if you press a letter on the keyboard, the machine generates a different letter to represent it on the lamp board so you might press K but F

lights up think of typewriter keyboard and then it's flat on top and there's all the letters there and they light up inside the Enigma machine are three rotors which turn after pressing a key making the wires of the circuit rotate so this changes the circuit completely meaning that even if you pressed the same letter every time, you'd produce different letters in the code. Amazing. It's incredible. Encoded messages would be a particular scramble of letters on any given day that would translate to a comprehensible sentence when unscrambled. So Enigma operators received code books which specified which settings the machine would use every day and every morning

the code would change or I think it was like every night at midnight I think right so if you had one from a few days ago it's different it's different the codes are different today so you might you might somehow figure out a way to crack that code but the the settings are different today so it doesn't help you crack today's code that's so amazing it's incredible the standard enigma machine had over 150 million million million possible daily settings it's 150 with 18 zeros after it quintillion 150 million million million possible all you need is 150 million million chimps on a typewriter one of of them is going to write Shakespeare and crack a code, I guess. Manually, I think I heard that it would take them 20 million years

to do one message and they had to find a way to do 20 million years of work in about 20 minutes. Are they still doing it? They're still working on it now and they will be for quite some time. Now, as early as 1932, a small team of Polish mathematician Now, as early as 1932, a small team of Polish mathematician cryptanalysts led by Marian Rijovski had succeeded in introducing the internal wiring of the Enigma. They'd kind of figured it out.

And by 1938, Rijovski's team had devised a code-breaking machine they called the Bomba, which is the Polish word for a type of ice cream, which is a great thing to name really civilised technology after. If it was an Australian one, it would have been called Buffalo Bill. Obviously. The Gay Time. Gay Time. Buffalo Bill.

Gay Time. Gay Time Bill. Gay Time Bill. Yep. What about Splice Gay Time Bill? That's good. Cornetto. Cornetto, Drumstick, Splice, Gay Time Bill. Clippo. Cornetto. Cornetto. Drumstick. Splice. Gaytime Bill.

Clippo. Milo. Scoop. Shake. Sunny Boys. Crunchy. Sunny Boys. That actually is a good name.

Yeah. It's quite cute. Yeah. Almost named my dog Sunny. The bomber only worked based on German operating procedures and a change in those procedures in 1940 meant the bomber was now useless. Like they'd sort of figured something out but then the Germans changed how they were doing it and they're like, well, now we don't know.

So during the autumn of 1939 and the spring of 1940, Turing and others designed a related but different code-breaking machine that they called the bomb. It's bomber without the A. Oh. Bit of fun. That's quite confusing during the war though isn't it actually yeah how many bombs have we got yeah have you placed the bomb yeah that's it's not it's not a good idea and bringing it through an airport would it be a nightmare one time um have i told you this story one time on simply the jest uh

which is a segment i do on radio where we get people's stories somebody was told us a story about traveling they were coming home to australia after traveling around europe and their little brother said to their parents has anybody checked the bomb and they got taken into a room no and like interrogated but what the son had meant was the bureau of meteorology which people commonly call the bomb. Which we call the bomb. And he was an eight-year-old who was just asking, has anybody checked the weather at home?

No. That poor kid. Has anybody checked the bomb? And then someone just said to the security, this kid just asked if they've checked the bomb. Security had to like, they called to the Bureau of Meteorology in Australia and asked if- Oh, where was this?

It was overseas. It was overseas. Oh, right. Because they don't know. No. You'd be like, no, it's the weather. It's the weather. It's the Bureau of Meteorology, but it's also so funny

that a kid is asking that. Yeah. Anybody check the bomb? Am I dressed appropriately for our arrival home? Do I need a jumper? I just think that's very funny. So, yeah, it's confusing. Don't call things bombs.

Don't. But I'm going to say the word bomb quite a lot more now. Your bag gets pulled across and through the x-rays and they're like, sorry, can I look in here? What is this? Oh, that's just a bomb. Just a bomb. Yeah.

It would also be pretty stupid to admit that if it was an explosive, wouldn't it? You've got the entire Bureau of Meteorology in your bag? Yes. Actually, no. I've got it on my phone. That's an ad for the app. We've just written an ad for the app, for the BOM app.

Yeah? We should cut that and send it off. Cut that. Here you go. Here you go. There you go, BOM. Here you go, Bureau. Hopefully no one's listening to this on speakerphone.

As they go through the x-ray. BOM, BOM, BOM, BOM, BOM. La, la, la, la, la, la, BOMBA., bomb. La, la, la, la, la, bomba. Sex bomb. La, la, la, la, la, bomba. So. Sex bomb. Sex bomb.

The non-sex bomb searched for possible correct settings used. Oh, cop that, Alan. Oh, great. So he's not a sex bomb. He's not a sex bomb. Damn. He was played by Benedict Cumberbatch. Yeah.

Please. That's true. I feel silly now. The sex bomb searched for possible correct settings used for an Enigma message. So, like, the rotor order, the rotor settings, plug boards, there's a lot. It's winter and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. There's a lot. and we deliver that too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age.

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18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply. Using a suitable crib. A crib's a bit like a cheat. It's like an attack model for cryptanalysis where the attacker has access to both the plain text, which is called a crib, and the encrypted version. It's like, yeah, it's like having a little,

it's like when you're trying to figure out like what kind of code is and you have like this symbol means C and this symbol means K. Now figure out the rest. It's like having a little cheat. You've got a little bit of the information and can kind of work backwards from there or you can eliminate things from there. So the bomb essentially went through and it detected when a contradiction had occurred and ruled out that sitting setting moving on to the next so it's just kind of whirring through trying to get the settings right it's very strange most of the um possible settings would cause contradictions and be discarded leaving only a

few to be investigated in detail so essentially like it was a process of elimination it could rule out certain combinations therefore bringing the number of possible meanings down but it usually ended up sort of needing to like it would kind of figure out what settings and then people would have to go and like manually code break stuff anyway and but you were saying there's like a quintillion amount of which is a word i've never heard before 150 million million million but then they'd eliminate a bunch of those so they'd be easier to work out. Like 120 million, million, million. That's heaps. I should say, I haven't heard that word

since Ryan ruined the cotillion in season one of the OC. Which I don't know what that means either. But he ruined it. He ruined it. There was a cotillion there as well. Yeah, and he ruined the cotillion. What a bad boy. Such a bad boy. From the wrong side of the tracks. He ruined it. There was a cotillion there as well. Yeah, and he ruined the cotillion. What a bad boy. Such a bad boy.

From the wrong side of the tracks. Gene A. Chino. It's a long time since I've seen it, but that's another. Great song. California. Nailed it. Yeah, I can't like, I reckon that song isn't good, but I love it. No, I think it's good.

I love it. Oh, wow. Good double. Okay. Am I the deciding vote now? Yeah. Yeah, it's that riff. So good.

But maybe it's just been overdone. But now I'm like, nah, it sucks. Oh, okay. Sorry. Hey, we had a real little bear Goldilocks scenario. Yeah, that's right. It's just right. So in the case of the Enigma,

the German high command was very meticulous about the overall security of the Enigma system and understood the possible problems of Crib. So it was like we know people could sort of figure some stuff out. The day-to-day operators, the other hand were less careful the bletchley park team would guess some of the plain text based upon when the message was sent and by recognizing routine operational messages so for instance a daily weather report was transmitted by the germans at the same time every day the bomb the ball due to the regimented style of the military reports,

it would contain the words wetter, German for weather, at the same location in every message. So knowing local weather conditions helped Bletchley Park guess other parts of the plain text as well. So if they're like, okay, they're talking about the weather and they're talking about this place, so we can figure out what those words are. And so then kind of work backwards.

Yeah. They're figuring out bits and pieces of information. It's very interesting. Other operators too would send standard salutations or introductions. An officer stationed in the Quattara Depression consistently reported that he had nothing to report. Don't tell me that's what brought him down. Well, getting used to these sort of habits and quirks meant

that the code breakers had enough info. They could figure out other parts of the message. Like, oh, it's this guy and he always says I've got nothing to report so that we can figure out that's what these codes are. Heil Hitler occurred at the end of every message as well, so they also could sort of figure that out too. So just by them being consistent. It's such a clever system they've put together.

What was it called? The Enigma. The Enigma. a it's all such a clever system they've put together that what what was it called the the enigma so but yeah they're they're being so regimented and yeah isn't that like a yeah classic german thing is it where you're just sort of like you know precision and all that sort of stuff same time of day every day yep and that's what's bringing them down. Yeah. It's pretty funny. You'd think part of the system should have been and it probably has been since we go, we have to fluctuate when we send these out. Yeah, mix it up.

Mix things up in different ways. Phrase things differently. And don't just say nothing to report every day. Only report if you've got something to report. Yeah. Yeah. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Say some gibberish.

That'll actually make it harder. That'll be very confusing for everybody. The chicken clucks. That means nothing's happening. Yeah. Cluck, clucks is the chicken. It means send help, I'm in trouble. Yeah.

So at Blitley Park in World War II, strenuous efforts were made to use and even force the germans to produce messages with known plain text so they tried to sort of like sneakily get information out of them so for example when they were lacking in like cribs or those little cheats bletchley park would sometimes ask the royal air force to seed a particular area of the north sea with mines a process that came to be known as gardening. Just go plant some seeds. So they'd just drop a whole bunch of mines in there.

Then the Enigma messages that came out soon after would most likely contain the name of the area or the harbour threatened by those mines and that gave them little bits of information so that they could kind of work backwards from there. So they would purposefully like they'd force the Germans to talk about a particular place just so they could figure it out. Very clever. By late 1941, Turing and his fellow cryptanalysists nailed it.

Gordon Welchman, Hugh Alexander and Stuart Milner Barry were getting frustrated. Building on the work of their Polish colleagues, they'd set up good working system for decrypting Enigma signals, but the limited staff and bombs meant they couldn't translate all the signals. They needed more resources. And with any military or government project, there are a million steps and a lot of red tape to get money or resources. And they weren't successful in getting those things through the proper channels and this is from a world war ii website i found called wikipedia.org oh so it says so in october they wrote directly to winston churchill explaining their difficulties they emphasized how small their need was compared with the vast expenditure of men and money by the forces

and compared with the level of assistance they could offer to the forces. So they're like, hey, you know, like you're either going to lose a whole bunch of soldiers or you could give us a little bit of money, we could probably save some of those lives. As Andrew Hodges, biographer of Turing, later wrote, this letter had an electric effect. Churchill wrote a memo to General Ismay which read, action this day, make sure they have all they want

on extreme priority and report to me that this has been done so within a month the chief of the secret service reported that every possible measure was being taken the cryptographers at Bletchley Park they moved fast back then don't they within one month in one month wow they'd done something and the cryptographers didn't know of the Prime Minister's response, but one of them, Milner Barry, recalled, all that we did notice was that almost from that day the rough ways began miraculously to be made smooth. So things just got a little bit easier.

But they never got the thing being like, hey, we're taking care of this. Yeah, they never got that, but just things got easier and they're like, I think it worked. I think that letter worked. Wouldn't that be a morale boost to hear that the Prime Minister's on board? You would think that, yeah. So maybe tell them. Stiff upper lip in England.

Hey, we don't be proud. We don't share emotion. We just forge on. That's right. Keep on, carry on or whatever. So financial support for this department meant that by the end of the war, more than 200 bombs were in operation. We're talking about weather websites?

Weather websites. For a visual of the bombs as well, they were very big machines. They were about two metres wide and two metres tall, 60 centimetres deep. They weighed about a tonne. Wow. Each had 108 small drums on the front split into three groups of 12 triplets. So there's 36 of them in groups. Each triplet corresponded to the three rotors of an Enigma Scrambler.

So essentially these little drums, they look like little wheels, would mimic a human testing every possible combination and option but in a fraction of the time. In the early models of the bombs bombs the drums rotated at a speed of 50.4 rpm and later versions 120 rpm and were able to test 17 576 possible positions for one rotor order in 20 minutes so they're suddenly like working through stuff really quickly that's sick it's pretty it's very cool and it doesn't make sense in my brain but a lot of people say it's significant it's i mean it sounds incredible but if there's 120 million million

million combinations is it's is it making it that much easier it's it's significant but you've also got um how many of the machines working on at once it's not just one machine they had 200 by the end so if they're all working through one part, you get it fairly quickly. So Turing traveled to the United States in November of 1942 and worked with the U.S. Navy cryptanalysts. Why is that such a hard word to say? Cryptanalysts on the naval enigma and bomb construction in Washington. And he also visited their computing machine laboratory in Dayton, Ohio.

Oh, God's country. During his absence, one of his colleagues, Hugh Alexander, assumed the position of the head of Hut 8, which is where they were working, although Alexander had been the de facto head for some time because Turing had very little interest in the day-to-day running of the section. In the movie The Imitation Game, Hugh Alexander is depicted as like a kind of rival he's put in charge from the beginning and he tries to

get rid of turing and they all bully him and hate him it's one of those classic movie tropes of like enemies we don't understand or appreciate your genius oh would you look at that he's really smart oh you know what he's actually a good dude yeah i'm on his side and i'm gonna stand up from to the big bosses alan is my best friend it's that sort of enemies to friends but in actual fact they weren't enemies and the people who worked with turing were incredibly fond of him the movie really depicts him as like um you know one of those misunderstood geniuses and he's very like um takes everything very literally and he doesn't have the greatest interpersonal skills and stuff but everybody that actually worked with him is like no he's lovely he's really great that's annoying

yeah but it just had to be more interesting for the film isn't it funny because that's how so many people know the story yeah there's no it feels like there's not enough responsibility shown by movie makers sometimes yeah it's. You're actually sharing an important story and everyone thinks this is that guy. Yeah. I mean, if you just had him portrayed as a regular person who was probably, I mean, he is quite literally a genius. So he probably is maybe a little bit eccentric

or a little bit different or, you know, communicates in a different way or whatever. But, like, people didn't dislike him. little bit different or, you know, communicates in a different way or whatever. But like people didn't dislike him. In fact, Hugh Alexander wrote of Turing's contribution. There should be no question in anyone's mind that Turing's work was the biggest factor in Hut 8's success. In the early days, he was the only cryptographer who thought the problem worth tackling. And not only was he primarily responsible for the main theoretical work within the hut but he also shared with welchman and keen the chief credit for the invention of the bomb it is always difficult to say that anyone is absolutely indispensable but if anyone was

indispensable to hut eight it was turing the pioneers work always tends to be forgotten when experience and routine later make everything seem easy and many of us in hut eight felt that the magnitude of turing's contribution was never fully realised by the outside world. So that doesn't sound like somebody who hates this guy. Sounds like somebody who really respects him. And can I ask a question? The bomb, it now is able to decode completely

or still is it just bits and pieces? I think eventually it was decoding completely. Amazing. Which then they said, said like keep that secret right because you don't want the enemy to know that you can read everything they're saying anybody to know like even their own um like even other people within because there could be moles or whatever yeah so they're like nobody can know that we've cracked it which is incredible so the code breaking efforts at bletchley were exhausting they were difficult and they came with more ethical dilemmas

than one might expect. As they got better and better at intercepting messages, they often knew an attack was going to occur, but if they suddenly started moving every ship that was about to be attacked, it would give away to the Germans that they'd cracked the code. So often they had to just let things play out. Oh, that's a bit dodgy, isn't it? You're like, oh, we know your ship's about to get blown up

but we can't move you. Or you had to make decisions about which things you could intercept and which you couldn't because, yeah, if all of a sudden every single thing that Germany's planning on doing, if all of a sudden like that ship has disappeared or that everybody in that town has evacuated or whatever, then the Germans are going to be like, how do they know? And then they change their...

It's like a greater good sort of thing. Yeah, they change the way the enigmas work and so now we've got to start from square one. Brutal decisions to be made. Awful. Due to the problems of counterfactual history, it's hard to estimate the precise effect that their intelligence had on the war. However, official war historian Harry Hinsley estimated

that this work shortened the war in Europe by more than two years and saved over 14 million lives. Amazing. Pretty cool. That's a lot of lives. That's a lot of lives. That's a spicy meatball. And then shortened it by two years, which is kind of cool. That's a lot of lives. That's a lot of lives. That's a spicy meatball.

And then shortened it by two years, which is kind of cool. At the end of the war, a memo was sent out to all those who'd worked at Bletchley Park reminding them that the code of silence dictated by the Official Secret Act did not end with the war but would continue indefinitely. So they weren't allowed to talk about what they'd done in the war. They weren't allowed to mention it at all. Therefore, even though Turing was appointed an officer of the Order of the British Empire, he got an OBE,

in 1946 by King George VI for his wartime services, his work remained secret for decades. Oh, so no credit can be publicly given. That's right. What was his OBE? He said they gave it to him for? Just for wartime services. They just said like soccer.

Yeah. Goalkeeper. General wartime. Charity work. Yeah yeah goalkeeper charity work yeah it's often i say he just had a good attitude about the war and uh you know stiff upper lip yeah he was a cryptozoologist found bigfoot yeah pretty amazing pretty cool yeah and then king george is like winking when he shakes his hand yeah thanks for finding Bigfoot Wink Exactly, King George, not subtle But yeah, essentially like if anybody asked After the war You're just like, I worked in a radio shack

I worked in a radio Oh, are you a DJ? Yeah, I did Breakfast Radio Gals are brutal I'm the real hero of the war Some people in the trenches, yeah, I was I got up at 5am. Yeah, we played Beat the Bomb.

That's a classic call-in game. What's that smell? And sound, which is a lot easier to play on the radio. I'm describing a smell. Guess what it is. It's bad. It's a bit of pongs. That's a really bad pong, this one. It's got a big sort of

pong on this one. You can almost taste it. It smells a bit like dead. You know when something's died? Musty. It's a musty dead pong. Is it a possum in the wall? It is a possum in the wall.

Well done. Congratulations. You've won a square of a ration of chocolate. And, yeah, the Black Thunders will be by with a few icy cold cans of Coke. Should we do radio? Jess? Yes? This is from Britannica again.

This is post-war. In 1945, the war was over. Turing was recruited to the National Physics Laboratory in London to create an electronic computer. His design for the Automatic automatic computing engine, the ACE, was the first complete specification of an electronic stored program, all-purpose digital computer. He's often sort of seen as like one of the founding fathers of the computer.

Had Turing's ACE been built as he planned it, it would have had vastly more memory than any other early computer as well as being faster. However, his colleagues at NPL thought the engineering too difficult to attempt and a much smaller machine was built, which is called the Pilot Model ACE in 1950. So the plans that he had would have had more memory and been faster and they're like too hard that's so funny yeah i call it a macbook pro and uh there's no money in this you

can facetime you can fit all your your whole all your records everything can fit in this yeah who wants that you can talk into it and uh it'll take notes for you. Warcraft? What the fuck is that? Alan, you're crazy. What did you do in the war? Tell me. People, his colleagues are like, yeah, we got into this business to change lives. We're trying to make computers and stuff. Whoa, but yeah, steady on.

Yeah. We don't want to change lives too much. Get out, Alan. Chill out. Hey, we're just collecting a paycheck here, mate. Yeah, that's right. NPL lost the race to build the first working electronic stored program digital computer, an honour that went to the Royal Society

Computing Machine Laboratory. Fuck, I know the names. They lost the race because they didn't really want to enter. Yeah, that's right. It's because they were too busy typing out their letterheads. So many fricking words on their name. Am I right? I mean, what are these guys

up to yeah that's a bit that i might do on our breakfast radio show yeah great yeah like that what's the deal yeah uh what are they up to with matt hi okay this week on what are they up to we're talking about these computer companies from the olden days. Now, their names were long. Let me give you a few. The Royal Society Computing Machine Laboratory of the University of Manchester. What were they up to? And then like a siren or something plays. Schmig!

I think this could be good. That's pretty good stuff. No bad ideas. Call in if you know what they were up to. I don't know, making computers. That is correct. correct well done we'll send you a ration of chocolate it's still like the 40s so he was pretty discouraged by the delays at npl so he took the uh deputy directorship of the computing machine laboratory in that year there no director, but he was deputy director. What? No, no, no, no. Junior vice president.

His earlier theoretical concepts of a universal Turing machine had been a fundamental influence on the Manchester computer from the very beginning. And after Turing's arrival at Manchester, his main contributions to the computer's development were to design an input-output system using bletchley park technology to design its programming system he also wrote the first first ever programming manual and his programming system was used in the ferranti mark one the first marketable computer so he's just he's just like he's sitting in the back he's working on computers

now he's all about computing amazing it is really cool Sounds like a bit of a nerd all of a sudden. Yeah. What happened to you, Alan? You used to be cool. You used to, like, crack codes. Yeah. You used to beat Nazis with your bare hands. You used to ride 60 miles to go to school when no one else was going. Badass stuff.

That is pretty badass. That's pretty badass. Stopping overnight at an inn to go to school was pretty funny. And was he 12 years old or something? Something like that. He was like early teens. Hello, one night in the room, please. Hello, Ms. Throppett.

Only one half-born. I'm just a little boy. I'm just a little boy. I don't take up a whole bed. I'm just a little boy. Do you have any spare cupboards? I sleep in your cupboard. What's wrong with us?

This is also from Britannica. Turing was a founding father of artificial intelligence and of modern cognitive science. He was a leading early exponent of the hypothesis that the human brain is in large part a digital computing machine what is a computer what is our brain if not a computer oh my god oh my god have you ever thought about that whoa isn't that crazy what is a computer if not a brain what is the brain if not a computer oh my god don't hack my mind he theorised that the cortex at birth is an unorganised machine

that through training becomes organised into a universal machine or something like that. That's a direct quote. Or something like that. Turing proposed what was called the imitation game and subsequently became known as the Turing test. It was a test designed to determine whether a computer can think. So there are extreme difficulties in distinguishing original thought from sufficiently sophisticated

parroting. Indeed, any evidence for original thought can be denied on the grounds that it ultimately was programmed into the computer. So Turing sidestepped the debate about exactly how to define thinking by means of a very practical albeit subjective test so if a computer acts reacts and interacts like a sentient being then call it sentient okay that makes sense if a computer acts reacts or interacts like a sentient being then call it sentient but that's only if it can pass this test to avoid rejection of evidence of machine intelligence turing suggested the imitation game and here's how it works. A remote human interrogator with a fixed time frame

must distinguish between a computer and a human subject based on their replies to various questions posed by the interrogator. By means of a series of such tests, a computer's success at thinking can be measured by its probability of being misidentified as a human subject. So if a human is asking a bunch of questions and based on the answers goes that's a human but it's actually a computer, then you're like, well, then the computer is thinking. Computer is responding like a human.

It tricked you. You thought it was a human but it's a computer so it's sentient. He's saying give him the vote. It's learnt. Give them the vote. We should be able to marry computers. Is that what he was angling for all along? Does that sort of make sense?

Yeah. You're staring at me, Dave. But he's saying they are sentient. Has there been any sentient computers, especially back in his time? Definitely not back in his time. But I think just his argument is like. If looks like shit smells like it tastes like shit probably shit yeah that's exactly it if it's talking like a human it's responding like a human let's just say it's human if a computer can trick you into thinking it's a human. Like let's just call it human.

Let's say it's learning and it is sentient. Okay. Very interesting. But that's where the imitation game came from. As in the title? The title. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. So Turing was elected a Fellow of the Royal Society of London

in March 1951, a very high honour, yet his life was about to become very difficult. In 1952, he met and started a relationship with a man named Arnold Murray and in January, Turing's house was burgled. Murray said he knew the burglar. I mean, in some, like some resources say that Murray was the one who burgled him. Others say he just knew who the burglars were.

And in their line of questioning, detectives asked Turing what his relationship with Murray was and when they discovered that the men had a romantic, a physical relationship, both Turing and Murray were charged with gross indecency as homosexuality was a crime. Turing was later convinced by the advice of his brother and his own solicitor to enter a guilty plea, and he was convicted and given a choice between imprisonment

or a probation. Imprisonment would mean that he would be unable to work, and Turing chose the probation, which came with conditions. He had to agree to undergo hormonal physical changes designed to reduce libido, known as chemical castration. Gosh. He accepted the option of injections of a synthetic estrogen rendering him impotent causing breast tissue to form and just generally causing him to feel really unwell his conviction led to the removal of his security

clearance and barred him from continuing his cryptographic consultancy with the government communication headquarters but he was able to keep his academic job which is why he chose to take the probation because if he'd chosen imprisonment he would have lost both right and his life's work is his life exactly right i'm remembering why i left feeling sad yeah yeah it's awful sadly on the 8th of june 1954 a housekeeper discovered Alan Turing dead at his home. Cyanide poisoning was established as the cause of death, and an inquest determined that Turing had taken his own life. Although others have suggested alternate explanations, the members of his family also denied that

his death was self-inflicted. In August 2009, British programmer John Graham Cummings started a petition urging the British government to apologise for Turing's prosecution as a homosexual. The petition received more than 30,000 signatures. The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, acknowledged this petition, releasing a statement on 10 September 2009 apologising and describing the treatment of Turing as appalling. Thousands of people have come together to demand justice

for Alan Turing and recognition of the appalling way he was treated. While Turing was dealt with under the law of the time and we can't put the clock back, his treatment was, of course, utterly unfair and I am pleased to have the chance to say how deeply sorry I and we all are for what happened to him. So on behalf of the British government and all of those who live freely thanks to Alan's work, I'm very proud to say we're sorry you deserved so much better.

I don't know why he's so proud to say that. Yeah, he said that a few times, happy and proud. I'm so proud. That would have gone through so many script writers and checks. I'm like, why? It's too self-congratulatory. Yeah, I'm a hero for saying soz. Really stood out.

Soz, Alan. Soz, say. self-congratulatory yeah i'm a hero for saying soz really stood out oh yeah soz alan that must say i mean it was the law at the time and you were dealt with accordingly and appropriately based on your there must have been people going i don't want to apologize well we want to well all right yeah well if you're going to do it make sure it sounds like we're doing a great thing and make sure it's very clear that i mean that was the law at the time and it was actually quite fair what happened to him. But so sorry. On the 24th of December 2013, Queen Elizabeth II signed a pardon for Turing's conviction of gross indecency with immediate effect. Announcing the pardon, Lord Chancellor Chris Grayling said

Turing deserved to be remembered and recognised for his fantastic contribution to the war effort and not for his later criminal convictions the queen officially pronounced Turing pardoned in August of 2014 and the queen's action is only the fourth royal pardon granted since the conclusion of the second world war wow and and normally those pardons happen when it's proven that that person wasn't guilty of what they were charged with or something. Whereas by this incredibly outdated law, he was guilty of it, but she's still given a pardon.

So good for Queen Lizzie. But, yeah, a sad end. It's such a funny that who was the guy saying he should be remembered for the things he did, not for his criminal. Yeah. It's like, wait, what the fuck are you talking about? Exactly. Who was the guy saying he should be remembered for the things he did, not for his criminal. Yeah. It's like, wait, what the fuck are you talking about? Exactly.

No one's thinking poorly of him because of that crime. Yeah. That only reflects badly on. Hey, hey, hey, let's remember he did good stuff for the war, not the crimes he clearly committed. No one's saying that. But it wasn't until like the 60s that homosexuality was decriminalised in the UK. 67, I think I remember reading. So it was like, it was a long time later.

Yeah, and just one year after the Saints won their premiership. But you're absolutely right. How weird is that to be like, hey, hey, hey, hey. He did some great stuff. Incredibly smart person. Saved a lot of lives. Really like set the groundwork for some things that we use every day now and we should be really grateful to them we should respect that

maybe it needed yes he was a dirty criminal maybe it was needed maybe it was needed to be said at the time and people were thinking i don't know but it just seems weird like this is not what are you talking about yeah nah nah nah lock him up Lock him up. Lock him up. He deserved it. Absolutely wild stuff. So, yeah, a sad end but to a pretty amazing life and pretty amazing story. And I hope that the many people that suggested it feel some sort of satisfaction in that report. I'm sorry Dave didn't do it.

Is that what they were all saying? I'm sure he would explain. Everyone was saying, I hope Dave does it. That's what I'm saying the whole fucking time I was writing this thing. I was like, God damn it, Jess. No, I found that really interesting. I'm the one who knew the least about him because I haven't seen the movie. So, yeah, I did not know that that's sadly how he died.

That's awful. Yeah. Yeah, it's really sad. And he's only what? He was 41? Oh, my God. He's only 40, yeah. Oh, my fucking God.

He's done so much in his life. Yeah. And the logic, I mean, it's so bizarre, the logic back then. They're like, this is unnatural, homosexual. What we're going to do is pump you with estrogen. Yeah. Because it's unnatural to be homosexual. Yeah.

So we're going to fuck against your will, basically. We'll destroy your libido. Then you won't want to do this disgusting thing of, it's like what are you fucking talking about? I don't know. Like what are you thinking? And it was like in private. Not that it should have to be, but do you know what I mean?

Like it's, it didn't, it was only because he was burgled and in doing an investigation they sort of asked like, okay, this Murray person, who's that to you? And he was honest. Like apparently throughout his whole life he was pretty open about being gay. I wonder how much further computers would have developed

if he'd been allowed to work another 15 or 25 years. Yeah. With the thing he loved doing that he was a genius at. That's right. Yeah, I know. Like even if they were just being selfish, that would have been smart to let him keep working. Exactly.

Ah, people, huh? Not me. Not us. We're great. We always do the right thing at the right times. Yeah. But some people, I tell you what, they pee me right over. They pee you.

Yeah, I'm sorry you got P.O.'d. And what about the movie? Did you like the movie? Yeah, the movie's pretty good. Yeah, it's fine. Did you know the story before you? I'd already started. I think because I didn't know how, it's just so sad.

Yeah. What an awful. And the thing as well is so like these detectives who are looking through it, I don't know if there's an element of truth to this part of the movie, but the detectives turn up to like help him and he's not giving them a lot of information. He's like, no, nothing was stolen. And they think it's a bit odd.

They think he's a bit odd. And they're like sus on him because he's a professor from Cambridge and a couple of other professors from Cambridge ended up being spies. So they're like, what's he hiding? And that's why they dig a little deeper, but they suss on him and they're trying to find, like, they're trying to get records of his time in the military and it's empty. And they're like, what the fuck?

Because they didn't know what he'd done in the war. Because he's like, my clearance is way above yours, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's all been, like, scrapped. Let's just say I won the war. I basically won the war because he's like my clearance is way above yours guys yeah yeah and it's all been like scrapped like let's just say i won the war yeah i basically won the war okay let's just say you're welcome so they're going through all of this and they have no actual idea and it wasn't until like decades later i forgot to write down but it was something like yeah it was relatively recently that it was released and we found out exactly what he actually did quite recently.

Incredible. Ridiculous. So that is my report on Alan Turing and the imitation game. Fascinating. Fascinating. Great story. Obviously heartbreaking, but yeah. Yeah, sad ending, but pretty amazing middle.

Yeah. And there's more that he did as well, more sort of like stuff in AI and encryption and all kinds of stuff. Yeah, he did a lot after the war as well but, yeah, he could have done so much more if he had been treated a little better by a really stupid law and some nosy fucking detectives. You fucking dogs. Now that brings us to everyone's favourite section of the show

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It feels like it's a bit much, really. Bonuses. Bonuses. Gifts. Gifts. From our family to yours. Prezzies. What are some things people can get? Bopper? Yeah, some of. Prezzies. What are some things people can get?

Bopper? Yeah, some of the prezzies. Some of the prezzies you can get is three bonus episodes a month, access to our Facebook group, which is the kindest corner of the internet. You could scroll back and look at all the newsletters I used to write that I haven't for a good six months. But nobody's complained about the lack of newsletter.

I don't think they cared about the newsletter. No, I don't think they care or like the newsletter. They don't want to hear what we've been up to. No, I don't want to hear what we've been up to. It was always very dull. It's so boring. We have such boring lives, especially it was like two years of lockdown. It's like, what have you been up to?

Fuck all. Maybe I don't want to be like all salesperson here, but we should probably focus on the things that people do like early access to tickets to live shows the facebook group that's a lovely i said that oh sorry fucking hell it's like you don't even listen well i listen to all the things that people hate they really pricked your ears up did you mention three bonus episodes and one of the other things you can do if you sign up to the Sydney Schoenberg level or above is you get to give us a fact, a quote or a question in this segment, which we call fact, quote or question and has a little jingle.

It goes something like this. Fact, quote or question. She always remembers the jingle. And now with this part of the episode, what we do is read out one of the great names of these great supporters. They get to give themselves a title and then they get to ask a question, give a fact or quote a quote or anything really. Sometimes they'll do a suggestion. Sometimes it's brags.

We've had a recipe before. Recipes. It can be anything. Can I make a suggestion? Yes. Can either, because I'm now fixated on this, can you either take your coffee and put it on the ground rather than on the cream couch, or swap with Dave and have this little thing where you could put it on?

I can have that little thing, Dave. This is good content. I have not been listening for a good two minutes just thinking about that. Should I be wearing pants on this couch? It's a dangerous game. It's a cream couch, Dave. Of course you should be wearing pants. Always check the colour of the couch before you sit down on it pantsless.

That's a great rule. Thank you. Anyway, the first fact, quote or question of this week is Paul Mellor, aka lover of savoury puddings. Dave, where do you stand on this? Savoury pudding? What does that mean? What is a savoury pudding?

I don't know. Like savouring. Is Paul going to tell us? Oh, that's a good point. He's asking a question. Paul, I know Paul As a regular corresponder He's a science supporter in England And

It just feels like that could be an English thing Savory pudding They do things a little differently over there They're crazy Because is it You know how sometimes they refer to any dessert as pudding They say what's for pudding Yeah, true

Is it any savoury? Just anything savoury. I don't normally do this. I never normally read these out, so I read them out. But I just did do a quick skim and the word pudding is in here. Let's see what Paul has to say. Paul writes, hi guys, loving the pod and content as always. Thank you.

And now and... And content as always. Oh, that's true, and, and content as always. Oh, that's true. That's what it might be. Hi guys, loving the pod and content as always.

That sounds better. That sounds nice. And now, and now you treat us to a web series too, Artifacts. It's awesome. Oh,

that's very nice. Thank you, Paul. For people who don't know, we did a web series, a six-parter where we went around Melbourne to some of our iconic

museums and galleries and some street caught some street art as well and told the stories of different pieces of art in front of the art you can see it you can hear it you can lick it no we decided no we were told you cannot lick it uh that will happen on a very early episode luckily thank goodness uh so paul continues my question for you this week is have you ever been told a new name for something you eat that you just could not believe i cannot believe it but i do not believe it that's a famous bit of footy commentary and i like to think that that also applies to this like someone brings out like the cloche and they lift it up i see it but i simply do not believe

do we want to hear paul's um example first because and i love that paul's done this whenever someone asks a question we always encourage them to also answer the question do you want to hear his answer before you give yours yeah i think i do okay paul writes my example is we have a dish that is a bit of a northern favorite the steak and kidney pudding basically meat and gravy in a suet pastry saying that right uh it is almost like a soft upside down pie and they are steam cooked Yes, that is Babby, not baby. Turned out that was what him and all his friends and family called the pudding. I will put a link on here so you can see it, but it kind of looks like a baby's head.

Oh, my God. But it's called a babby's head. Babby. I've never heard that. Babby. Babby. I've never heard that since, and a pretty strange thing to call something you eat i don't know if you get

these in australia but if you do maybe uh maybe uh i don't know if you get these in australia but if you do you maybe know what i mean it's a bit of a sick name maybe snake and pygmy pigmy pudding is better oh my god i'm finding reading very hard early in this section of the show. And I've got to do a lot of reading. Dave, what are your thoughts there? Babby. Babby. I mean, is there a link so I can see an image of it?

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a good point. Because it does sound... It sounded great until he said it looked like a baby's head. Yeah, that's not as appealing. Not sure about that. He heard it, but he did not believe it. Oh, no.

You have to pay $8, put in your credit card details. I think there's a database error. This is good podcasting, I reckon. Yeah, this is fun. Dave, why don't you look up steak and kidney pudding and I'll move on to the next one. No worries. Which comes from Julian Wren,

aka the Disney villain defender. Okay. Julian's also asking a question, writing, What villain or bad guy in a movie or TV show do you root for every time? Oh, Loot and Plunder. Oh, yeah, Captain Pollution. Is that Loot and Plunder?

Oh, no, Loot and Plunder are the characters' names. Yeah. Captain Pollution's a different Captain Planet villain. Yeah. I'm Captain Pollution. That was great. So that's the full question? Yes, but Julian does answer.

Do we even answer Paul's question? No. I feel like we answered Paul's question before he asked the question because we were like, savory pudding? We couldn't get our head around it. I have Googled it. Steak and kidney pudding. That's what we're looking at.

It does look like an upside-down pie, more than a baby's head to me. Yeah, it looks delicious. That does look good. It looks like you cut it open and it just pours out. Yeah. Much like a baby's head. So Paul's question was, have you ever been told a new name for something you eat

that you just could not believe? It's such a specific question. I can't think of an example of that. People are like, oh no, that's cold. Such a specific question. I can't think of an example of that. People are like, oh, no, that's cold. I'm sure there might be some, but I can't access it in my brain right now.

Paul, great question. Babby's pudding. Babby's. Thank you for educating us on that. Love that. Back to Julian's question. Movie villain or TV show villain? Megamind. Oh, what's Megamind from?

You've seen Megamind? Oh, from the movie Megamind? Yeah. Wasn't he a villain? Yeah, that's good fun. Seems like it. That was fun. Megamind.

That's my answer. Who are you rooting for in it? What about the karate kid? It's a bad guy on that. Isn't he meant to be misunderstood? I haven't seen that movie in a long time. I mean, I love it when Darth Vader comes on the screen and just fucks them up.

Oh, at the end of that Star Wars story one? Yeah, when he just comes in and all the little wussies come in with their lasers and he's like, crush. The little wussies. You know, they're all little wussy boys. And then he comes in and obviously you're supposed to be like, oh, no, he's evil.

But you're also like, thank God, finally a lightsaber in this movie. Yeah. And then he just is really cool. He's cool. Yeah, it's cool. Sorry to step on your toes there, Matt. Yeah, that was pretty good. Yeah, that's actually one of my sounds.

Sorry to do it better than you right to your face. Yeah, so you can't do it. Yeah, that's on me. I love watching some villains like Dennis Hopper in Speed. Oh, yeah, he's great. Love it. So good. A scar. The Lion King. You evil, yeah, he's great. Love it. So good. Scar.

The Lion King. You evil, evil person. He's got great songs. Jeremy Irons. Yeah. Fantastic performance. So that's fun. Yeah.

Obviously Voldemort. What a great guy. Voldemort. Great guy. Ha ha. What's that blonde kid who says potter? Draco Malfoy. I only know him from a girl who says she looks like him on TikTok. She does quite a bit. Yeah. Draco Malfoy. I only know him from a girl who says she looks like him on TikTok.

She does quite a bit. Yeah, Draco Malfoy, great villain. Great villain. Yeah, I mean, so many. I mean, the harder question would be name a good guy that I root for. Yeah, don't care. Don't care for him. No.

Ooh, we're doing things by the book. Boring. Yawn fest. No. Ooh, we're doing things by the book. Boring. Yawn fest. Yes. By book. Thank you, Julie. Great question. Pete Holburton,

aka wannabe steely-eyed missile man. Wannabe steely-eyed missile man. Pete's coming in with a fact. Writing, The second moon landing, Apollo 12, was struck by lightning just after launch. The electrical surge knocked out its fuel cells and instrumentation, lighting up the control panel like a Christmas tree

and sending gibberish to the screens in mission control in Houston. Sounds like they had a little problem. But one of the controllers, John Aaron, recognized a pattern in the gibberish that he'd seen just once a year before. And he had the crew flick an obscure switch, try SCE to OX. The switch was so obscure,

even the commander of the mission, astronaut Peter Conrad, had never heard of it. His response was, what the hell is that? But his crewmate Al Bean recognized it, flipped it, and normality was restored. The mission was saved, and Peter and Al became the third and fourth men to walk on the moon a few days later. John Aaron's quick thinking and coolness under pressure earned him the highest possible praise from his NASA Is it NASA or Nasa? From his NASA colleagues.

He's known as Steely-Eyed Missile Man which may even top Cobra as the coolest nickname ever. Steely-Eyed Missile Man. And before you ask Dave, we are not calling you that. What about just either Steely-Eyed or Missile Man?

Steely-Eyed Missile Man. I think Missile Man. That's a mouthful, isn't it? Because I could probably put you in. I could probably shove you in a missile launcher and just send you off. Missile Man. Yeah. Missile Man.

Our little Missile Man. Hey. Missile Man. Like, we're saying it wrong, too. Missile Man, isn't it? Missile Man. Missile. Oh, Missile Man. Missile Man. Like we're saying it wrong too. Missile Man, isn't it? Missile Man. Missile. Oh, Missile Man.

Missile Man. Missile Man. Missile Man. That's bad. He's the Missile Man. To the tune of Brad's Guitar Man. Who's with me? Everybody.

He's a Missile Man. I mean, Rocket Man's right there. No, I don't see it I also like the name in that story of Al Bean Al Bean That's fantastic Can I be that? So close to Simpsons guy Al Jean

Oh yeah Fun fact Makes you think And the last Thanks very much for that one Pete Bloody hell makes you think And the last one this week comes from Lily Morley A.K.A. Tired IT Girl Thanks very much for that one, Pete. And the last one this week comes from Lily Morley,

aka Tired IT Girl. Definitely information technology IT, not it girl. Yeah, that's me. I'm a tired it girl. Honoured by that title though, Jess, if only it was true. You must have called her the it girl. I think I said IT girl and then said, well, it could be it girl. Oh, I love that.

I'm not that fucking stupid that I immediately would have said it wrong. I love it, Bob. Do you love it? I love it. Do you love me? I love you, Bob. And I love Lily and Lily writes a question here. A question a friend from work

always asks when there's a lull in the conversation. What is your favorite crisp or chip? Cheese and onion. If you're american inclined or australia we don't say crisps here what do we say chips we just say chips yeah we just say chips cold chips or hot chips there we use the same word don't we um but we always know you you don't

often have to actually clarify d it's only every now and then that you have to go oh hot chips yeah you don't say cold chips. Do Americans, are they the same? They say chips for both? No, they say fries. They say fries for chips. For hot chips. And what do they say for chips?

Chips. Okay. And in England, they say chips for chips, but crisps for chips. Okay. Yeah, it's just way easier. We say chips for chips and we say chips for chips. Yeah.

And you get the context. It's only sometimes when you're like, oh, I feel like chippies. And you go, hot chippies? Yeah, no, chips. Yeah. Or you say potato chips. Yeah, yeah. If you really want to clarify.

But otherwise, usually, based on the context, you know what's happening. Potato chips would mean crisps or chips. And hot chips would be hot potato chips. Yeah. It's actually quite simple. It is pretty simple when you put all of that. So the question is, what's your favourite crisps? What do you call a jacket potato?

A jacket potato. My go-to for a long time has been salt and vinegar. Oh, yep. Yeah, I love a salt and vinegar. I love an SMV. I love a light and tangy. That was my childhood favourite. Yeah.

They're hit and miss, though, to be honest. If you get a good packet with lots of flavouring, nothing like it. But more often than not, you get a pretty shit packet. Yeah. Very bland flavouring. You're like, well, this has ruined my day. So an S&V, I reckon, just for... It's ruined my day.

Ruined my day. It's pretty easy to ruin my day. If not my week. Yeah, something like that, I reckon. I had barbecue last night. We're so similar, Bob. You and I? You and I, we're the same. We're the same. Two peas, something American. I had barbecue last night. We're so similar, Bob. You and I? You and I, we're the same.

We're the same. Two peas, one pod. Cast. Oh, I like Red Rock Deli do like a honey soy chicken. Holy shit, they're delicious. That sounds good. I'm a big fan of the original, the plain, the salted. Of course you fucking are.

Love them. Oh, if I had to guess. Dave, is your only criticism that sometimes they're a bit too salty? Oh my gosh. My tongue is on fire. Oh, these are a bit spicy, these chips. I also like, you don't get them that often, but chicken. Chicken, oh, yeah.

Green packet. Chicken are everywhere. I love, pardon? Chicken, very accessible. They're everywhere. But you don't get them that often, do you? As in actually purchase them? Yeah.

What about chicken and twisties? Much better than cheese twisties, in my opinion. Oh, interesting yeah what about chicken and twisties much better than cheese twisties in my opinion i don't like twisties no i always i like the idea of them but yeah i bought a bag on occasion it takes me a few years to forget that they just make your mouth dry yeah yeah a lot of that uh well are you happy with your answers there because lily says that apparently you can tell a lot about people from their favourite crisp, which means chip. So I wonder what mine says about me.

Mine is pom bears. What? Not sure if they are an Aussie thing too but they are a little bear shaped crisp What? That are very light and a good little snack. This probably says I'm a five yearyear-old at heart.

Love the pod. Keep up the great work and I hope you all had great holidays. Well, I didn't have a holiday, but I thank you for that all the same, Lily. Dave and Jess had great holidays, didn't you? Oh, we had the best holidays. Didn't you, Dave? You have a great holiday? Separately.

Jess, you have a great holiday? Yeah. Separate holidays. And I was watching. Dave made that very clear when I said, can I come on your holiday? He said, absolutely not. Get your own holiday, he said. And you did.

And I did. I'm looking at pond bears. That sounds like it's right up my alley. Little bear-shaped crisps. That's wild that they have that technology over there. How do they make a potato and a wafting? It's like teddy bear biscuits. They're fun because you eat the head first,

put them out of their misery You know Oh that's a great question Lily I love I love The Cultural differences

That we have I like Yeah They come in three main flavours What flavours? Original Yep your fave Dave's

S&V Yep Yep mine Cheese and onion Jess I don't want cheese and onion. Sorry. One of my favourite things to do, and I did this on my recent holiday, is going and checking

out snacks and seeing that the crisp packets are different colours. Like salt and vinegar was blue. Whoa. I was like, what? That's original. Dave, that's a real minefield for Dave. But original was yellow. Right, which makes some sense.

I guess chips are kind of yellow. S&V is pink. Yeah, obviously. It's exciting. It was a real thrill. I love cultural differences like that. Yeah, I love it. I loved exploring the ABC stores in Honolulu.

So thank you very much to Lily, Pete, Julian and Paul for your facts and questions there. The next thing we'd like to do is thank a few of our other great supporters. Bob, you normally have a bit of a game that's related to the topic at hand. That's true. What are you thinking this week? Well, I'm thinking of pulling back the curtain and saying we recorded this episode several weeks ago and I don't remember any of it.

And I did the report. I remember something and it was the Turing test yes oh yeah code cracking what's their test or something like that okay yeah okay cool if you're happy with that yeah I love that that's the first thing that came to my mind thank you for listening intently to my report I remember it I loved it thank you enigma machine was another thing that I remember yeah yeah yeah yeah Hitler can you work him into the game? I don't think so.

Okay. How would you defeat Hitler? Yeah. Turing did it with a puzzle? How would you do it? How would you do it? Ninja stars. That was a good combo, actually, you and me.

Yeah, that was a bad. I'll pin him to the wall with the ninja stars and come in and cut off his head. Yeah, perfect. All right, so. You know, or something. If I can kick us off, I'd love to thank, from Newman in Western Australia,

Katie Clays. Katie Clays. The Clays test is a device that measures the temperature of bath water. Oh. That's good. And you might be thinking, oh, a thermometer?

No. You imbecile. Yes, obviously. It's way more complex than that. You just don, a thermometer? No. You imbecile. Yes, obviously. It's way more complex than that. You just don't have the scientific brain that Katie Clays does. Yes, because Katie, she's figured out, she can tell not just the temperature it is now, but the temperature it will be in three hours' time when you're getting out.

Yeah. And how much hot water you'll need to top up with your toe hitting the hot water tap. The Cl's Test. Revolutionary. Thank you very much, Katie, for your support. I'd also love to thank from Sydney in New South Wales, Australia, Brendan Fallon. Brendan Fallon.

So the Fallon Test. The Fallon Test. Okay. It's a – Yeah, go on. No, please. I'd love to hear where you're going. It's a... Yeah, go on.

No, please. I'd love to hear where you're going. It's a bit like a clapometer. Oh, yeah. You know, like where it's sort of... Oh, yeah. It judges how funny Jimmy Fallon's jokes are. Yeah.

Like, yeah. So, it's like an applause- Applausometer. But it's the Fallon test. Yeah. And Brendan came up with it. Yeah. Wow.

And does it peak? Well, yeah, there's like, it's got a bit of a dial. It's how funny he's being, not how funny he's finding things. Yeah, that's right. Because that'll be off the chart. That one broke. That one. That one, yeah.

Yeah, that one malfunctioned. Is he doing all right on the Fallon test? He's never quite hitting over into gut busting. Yeah, okay, fair enough. He's very pleasant. Yeah, that one malfunctioned. Is he doing all right on the Fallon test? He's never quite hitting over into gut busting. Yeah, okay, fair enough. He's very pleasant. Yeah, yeah. Very likeable. He's often sitting in pleasant.

The second level is ha-ha. Yeah. And then there's lol. And then there's ruffle. Yeah. And then there's gut busting. Gut busting. He never quite gets to gut busting.

Honestly, though. That's the dream. The day he hits gut busting, he retires. Wow. Then you have to evacuate the studio. Yeah, your guts. Your bowels. Yep, that's right.

Your bowels. But everyone else is evacuated their bowels. I would love to next thank Papillion, from Papillion in NA. New England? What's NA? North? No, NA. Nevada, maybe?

Nebraska? I'd love to think. From Papillion. It's Nebraska. In Nebraska, in the United States, it's ARIN. ARIN. The ARIN test. The ARIN test is a test that works out what the initials for the US state stand for.

Oh, fantastic. He's figured out the perfect way to remember you go i'll just do the aaron test you go any what's that nebraska what's that new england no that's not a state but he's got the perfect test where you go and it works out aaron's so great also his aaron test too is this test that he did where he had to figure out how many A's you have to put in your show title to be at the front of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival Guide. Absolutely. Every year it's getting more, isn't it? Yeah.

It's a comedy show. Bob, would you like to thank a few of our great supporters? Nothing would bring me more joy. I would love to thank, from Wheelers Hill in Victoria, Jamia Hempfill. Oh, fantastic. Wheelers Hill, is that sort of vaguely where you grew up? Yeah.

In the neighbourhood? Thank you. It's quite triggering. That's where my ex-boyfriend lives. Oh, my goodness. Still? Probably still. I don't know.

Jamia? Jamia is my ex-boyfriend. still i don't know jamia jamia my ex-boyfriend uh jamia uh the the hemp hill test is of course um it's a you know it's a marijuana related test i suppose uh i suppose and it's just what it does is that when you've got just a big hall of the old Mary Jane, and the cops come in and they figure out, the hemp hill test figures out how much they can skim off the top before being caught by the bloody toe cutters or whatever they call the internal affairs or whatever.

Toe cutters? Have I been watching too much Underbelly or something? I don't know what toe cutters are. they call the internal affairs or whatever. Toe cutters? Have I been watching too much Underbelly or something? I don't know what toe cutters are. Is that not the term? I don't know, but maybe. So essentially the hemp hill test is for dirty cops. Is that what you're saying? It's like a ratio to work out.

If there's a kilo here, we can probably skim off 200 grams. Yeah. That's a lot. Is that a lot? The term toe cutter is Australian slang for a person who lives by torturing other criminals, then robbing them. That's nowhere near what I meant. Wow, that sounds awful.

As the name implies, the torture usually involves painful removal of the digits, or in some cases, the complete foot. And what's the point of it? Oh, no, hang on. Here we go. Urban Dictionary. Australian police slang. Toe cutter refers to members of the Internal Ethical. Here we go. Urban Dictionary. Australian police saying toe cutter refers to members

of the Internal Ethical Standards Division. So it is what I meant. You haven't been watching too much Underbelly. They're two very different definitions. I haven't seen Underbelly in 10 years. It's your thing, mate. I swear. I don't support Australian TV.

I swear. I hate it. I would also love to thank from Reservoir in Victoria, Alida Trung. Alida Trung from Reservoir. You didn't say Reservoir, did you? No, I said Reservoir. Oh, fantastic.

You south of the Yarra types. Always pronouncing it wrong, but you didn't. So, oh, my God. Jess is, for the listeners at home, Jess is staring me down right now. I haven't heard an apology yet. Because I think, Matt, I've heard you refer to it as reservoir before. Yeah, I know. It's funny because a friend.

And I actually still haven't heard an apology. A friend up here in Sydney is looking to move down there. And he's saying. And still, the day goes on. And he's been saying, like, you can't. He's like, the locals, they don't like it if you call it reservoir. It's got to be reservoir. And I'm like, yeah, both sound right to me. I don't know. And I'm sorry,, like, you can't, he's like, the locals, they don't like it if you call it reservoir. It's got to be reservoir. And I'm like, yeah, both sound right to me.

I don't know. And I'm sorry, Bob. Thank you. What is the trung test? The trung test. The trung test. This is another marijuana one. You're never going to believe it.

I'm not going to believe it at all. I don't believe it. I don't believe it, Dave. It's a test. Stop talking. We don't believe you. Shut up, Dave. I don't believe that.

I don't believe it. I don't believe it, Dave. It's a test. Stop talking. We don't believe you. Shut up, Dave. It's when you work out how much you could get away with as personal use only. You know, when you get arrested. Oh, yeah.

Oh, this is for personal use. So, if you can get in there and like American film from the early 2000s style, prove that all 10 kilos is for personal use by smoking it in front of the police. Have you been watching a bit of Underbelly Day? All these lingo-type terms? That's the trung test. That's the trung test. And if you can prove it,

you get to keep it in your nose. That's fantastic. That's a great test. Well put together, Alita. Love that. Finally, for me, I would love to thank from King Ussy.

King Ussy. Kingussie. Kingussie. They put their whole Kingussie into this one. I honestly don't care if we're wrong. It's Kingussie. Kingussie. In Great Britain somewhere. Jack Maid.

Kingussie. Kingussie. Kingussie. Kingussie. Kingussie. Jack Maid. King-ussy. King-ussy. King-ussy. Jack May, that's the test where... The King-ussy test is where the test of... Oh, it's in Scotland.

The players that are left out of the national cricket team who should be in there for a long period. And this test figures out how instantly they will make their first turn. Oh, wow. Fantastic. Because Usman Khwaja was out of the Australian team for so long, came in and just dominated. He did two? Yeah.

King Yusi. King Yusi. King Yusi. King Yusi. Well, I think they're a bit wrong there. It's King Yusi. King Yusi. King Yusi.

King Yusi. That's a very important test because a lot of people that you feel like, they should be in the side. Get them in. Yeah, like Brad Hodge. Brad Hodge? Yeah. For ages he wasn't.

Yeah. Was his last ever innings a double ton or something? Go out on top. He just did not get enough goes. That's a king. Ridiculous. But that was because they didn't have the King Wussy test back then. No, they do.

But they do now. So that mistake won't happen again. Hey, I'd like to thank now from Columbia in a state that I will not recognize until I'm dead in the cold, cold ground, Missouri. It is Andrew Hutchinson. The Hutchinson test. What's a Hutchinson test, Bob? The Hutchinson test is a device that you run across surfaces.

You can use it on carpets, rugs, bedding, whatever, and it will tell you whether or not someone is pissed on you. I reckon, you know, as we're sitting in an Airbnb, I don't want that test done here. Yeah, but if you were an Airbnb host, wouldn't you want that? I don't know if I'd want to know or not. Well, you should know because then you'd need to clean it for your next guest. Oh, very good point.

Yes, very good point. I reckon on my Airbnb survey, I'd say, do you have a Hutchinson device? And if not, then I'm not going to bother cleaning. But if you do, I'll clean. Because I have pissed everywhere. I have pissed everywhere. I am like a fountain at night. I was sure it was going to be another

see how much marijuana residue has been there and if you can skim some off the top. I'm obsessed with that. Sorry to disappoint. No, piss was better. Piss was so much better. Honestly, I saw a picture of a rug on a Facebook ad. That's where it went.

You literally got your feet on a rug. I know. I was like, oh, carpeting this. You said carpet and rug and I went, I know what she's saying. How did she do it? How did she use that imagination? I just said bedding. Can't see any bedding in here right now.

That's true. Okay, so I have thought. That's very true. I've used my noggin. Dave, who else do you want to think? I'd like to think from Somersworth in New Hampshire. Somersworth. Somersworth.

It's not the same, but you know. Somersworth in New Hampshire. Angelo Del Guidis. Oh, fantastic name. Or Guiducci. So it's the Del Guiducci test. The Del Guiducci test. The Del Guaducci test. And that

is to work out whether fur in a coat is real or not. Ooh. So before you throw your red paint, you better do the Del Guaducci test. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Of course this isn't real. Or if you're the other way and you want it to be, go, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is real.

Get the paint. I want people to know that I can afford this. I can. I'm rich. A lot of death involved in this keeping me warm. Many cute little creatures died for me. I want people to know that. For me to look cool once or twice. I root in Disney movies for Cruella de Vil.

Yeah, Cruella's great. Get that jacket. Get it, girl. Hell yeah, you look great. You look amazing. If all those minks are going to be dying anyway, let's make the most of their skin and fur. What's a mink?

I don't know. Are they? Mink. They're tiny. They're like a mongoose. Mink. Takes a lot of mink. Oh, they're cute.

Oh, no. That felt like a real 90s thing. Yeah, mink coats. Mink coats. That was a real status thing 90s thing. Yeah, mink coats. Mink coats. That was a real status thing. Old, rich people had mink coats. They're cute as shit. Oh, my gosh.

They're so cute. They're so cute. I didn't need to hear that. They're like a little weasel. Oh, my God. They are like a little weasel. They're a little cute. It's Weasel.

It's Weasel. It's Weasel. Did we ever get to the bottom of that? We had about 10 explanations. I think it turned out that it was this niche one-off joke character from a Tailspin episode. Wow. That episode where Baloo's a pilot.

But people also found out there was a character in Frozen, which I was very flattered when people thought that came out of my childhood. And there was some newsies or something, but that was like a live action show from the 80s or something, but I hadn't seen that. So I think it must have been Tailspin. Dave, I think you've got one last person to thank. I've got one to go,

and I would love to thank from Wynmally in New South Wales. All one word. Ruby Road. Ruby Road. Ruby Road. Ruby Road. Jeez, that sounds like a beautiful spot. Now, the Ruby Road test, of course, is the test where you are able to,

and Jess, just take notice of how much my imagination goes beyond what's in the room. Oh, get fucked. I said bedding. And this test is.... Oh, get fucked. I said bedding. And this test is... That really threw me off when you said bedding. It tests roads to see how many rubies were in the mix of the bitumen. Wow.

He's good. Has it ever left zero, that scale? Yeah, they're still not fully sure if the test works or not because it's always come up as zero oh another none no it seems to be working no zero again ruby road that's good work if you can get it ruby road well done beautiful name for a boy or a girl and the last thing we like to do do is, I should just say, just recapping there, thanks so much to Ruby Road, Angelo, Andrew, Jack, Alita, Jamea, Aaron, Brendan and Katie. And the last thing we'd like to do is welcome a few people into the Triptych Club.

Now, for new listeners, the Triptych Club is a place, a very exclusive place, where listeners and supporters who've been on the shout-out level or above for three straight years are welcomed in. I'm on the door. I've got the clipboard. I've got the guest list, short guest list tonight, just the one name. Actually, I'm having a look ahead. Next episode's got like 20. Maybe I should do a few extra for next week's ones today.

What do you think? I reckon. Let's do it. So we've got a few names then, Dave. How many do you want me to do today? Why don't we do five today? Five. You're still leaving quite a few to do.

Is it legit 15? Yeah, it is legit 20. What did we do three years ago that made so many people jump on? I don't know. Wow. I'm not sure. Let's do 10, Dave. I reckon you've got it in you.

All right. All right. So, Jess, you're normally behind the bar as well. You've come up with a cocktail based on the Turing test. Yeah, it's called the Enigma. And I will not tell you what's in it. That's good. That sounds delicious.

Dave, you've normally booked a band for the after party. Yes, we have got an incredible actor now. Obviously draping himself in a snake. It is Alice Cooper. Holy shit. Can you believe it? The Prince of Darkness himself. Himself.

If that's the name he goes by. So, I'm going to read out the names. Dave is up on stage. He's emceeing the event. Once they come in, Dave will hype them up. And then Dave's a little bit sensitive. He doesn't always feel like he's done the best job. Often because he doesn't do a very good job.

How is this guy talking about? Then Jess is by his side or behind the bar, sort of his Paul Schaefer, just hyping him up. No, I stand right behind Dave. Do you? And I just whisper in his ear the whole time and one hand is on his butt. But he finds it very comforting.

That's why I feel uncomfortable. He loves it. He needs it. It soothes's why I feel uncomfortable. He loves it. He needs it. It soothes him. Fortunately, you are wearing a Madonna headset, Mike, so we can hear your whispers. Alright, so you're ready for this big list of ten names, Dave?

Absolutely. Are you ready, Dave? Are you ready? Grab my butt. See? He loves it. Grab my butt. Yeah, see? He loves it. All right.

From Ash in Great Britain, it's Wheat Wheatington. Wheat Wheatington. He's from Ash. But when I see him, I think cash. This guy's loaded. Yes. He's got money, money, money. He's money. This man is money.

Cold hard cash. Wheat Money Wheatington. I'd also love to thank and welcome into the club from Glasgow in Scotland. It is Lewis Gemmel. Oh, Glasgow on in, Lewis. Yes. Grab yourself a brisket. Lewis.

From Croydon in Great Britain, it's Keir Beals. Have no fear, it's Keir. That is good. I'm wondering, were we in Great Britain three years ago? Because there are a lot of Great Britain names here. I'd also love to thank from Birmingham in Great Britain, it's Kieran Darcy. Kieran Darcy keeps things classy. Oh my God, Dave.

Yes. And I'd like to thank from Dundee in Scotland, the famous stewards, Dundee Decanter, home of Haig Crookshank. Oh, I'd just like to thank, to say Haig Crook thanks for your support. Yes, and welcome in. Woo! I'd love to thank from Shirley in Great Britain, it's Jodie Thomas. Jodie Thomas, I'll make you a promise. Yes.

That you'll have a great time in there. Yes, Jodie! I'd love to thank from Atascadero in maybe California in the United States. It's Connor Seamer. Of course. Seamer on down. I thought you were going to say Seamer, so this really threw me off. Seamer down.

I'm looking ahead, Dave. You're going to be free-flowing here. Yeah, yeah. Connor, you make me want to have a great time. There we go. Nailed it. From Banstead in Surrey, Great Britain, it's William Townsend. Oh, more like Granstead.

Grand. Grand. It makes sense. From Grenoble in Inverglide. Inverglide in Great Britain, it's Scott Coventry. Oh, more like Hot Coventry. Oh, my God. Not your value.

Not your value, but your outfit's fantastic. You're looking stunning. And finally from Daventry in Great Britain, it's Lewis Williams. What was that? Daventry. More like Paddentry. Come on in.

Come on in. Is that something? Yeah, that's good. Thank you. Rare praise. You were on such a roll, I feel like I almost want to keep going. something yeah that's good oh thank you that's rare praise it's still uh you're on such a roll i feel like i just want to keep going that's enough all right thank you and welcome into the club make yourselves at home lewis scott william connor jody haig kieran kia lewis and wheat uh make yourselves at home enjoy an ever an enigma beverage. Get ready for Alice Cooper himself. We are not worthy. And yeah, anything to say before we head off for the day, Bop?

Just that we love you and that anybody can make a suggestion at any time. There's a link in the show notes. It's on our website, dogoonpod.com, and that's also where you can find merch. You can look up other stuff. You can see what we look like if you've never been on social media before. where you can find merch, you can look up other stuff. You can see what we look like if you've never been on social media before. And if you want to see what we look like, we are doing some shows and you can always keep in up to date with what we're doing now

and in the future, even if you're listening to this in the future. Do go on pod.com, there's live shows tab. See if we're coming to your town. And we hope we are. We love your town and we love you. Thanks so much for joining us. Dave, please boot this baby home. We'll be back next week with another episode.

But until then, I'll say thank you so much and goodbye. Later. Bye. Bye. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats, get almost almost anything.

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